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("THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS" PLAYING)
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♪ There's no business Like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
♪ Everything about it Is appealing ♪
♪ Everything the traffic Will allow ♪
♪ Nowhere could you get That happy feeling ♪
♪ When you are stealing That extra bow ♪
♪ There's no people Like show people ♪
♪ They smile When they are low ♪
♪ Yesterday they told you You would not go far ♪
♪ That night you open And there you are ♪
♪ Next day On your dressing room ♪
♪ They've hung a star ♪
♪ Let's go on with the show ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ On with the show ♪
Say what now?
Vaginas make his flesh creep.
What-- What class was this for?
PE.
Whose vagina is he talking about?
General vaginas.
So... Wait.
You went to PE?
It was a class on CPR. They were discussing anginas.
So, he thought they said vaginas!
Oh, I mean, he isn't exactly sexually active.
He hasn't even seen one. We talk about sex all the time.
- Usually during carpool. - Mr. Smart--
Which is why my mom drives us now.
In history class, Les was assigned
one page on Manifest Destiny.
Instead, he turned in
a nine-page Wizard of Oz musical
set in the French Revolution he calls "Les Wiz."
I'm sorry. I'm trying to understand.
Aren't nine pages better than one?
That wasn't the assignment.
Les, would you please step outside?
Like it's my fault vaginas make my flesh creep.
You haven't seen one yet!
It's because he hasn't seen one yet.
Mr. Smart,
you may need to consider the possibility that Les...
is homosexual.
That is a remarkable statement.
You know I'm in theater, right?
For a living. I produce regional theater.
I don't see what that has to do with--
Uh, just follow the plot.
Theater teaches empathy.
We don't care if someone's black or white--
Neither do we.
Don't care if they are gay or straight...
- Neither do we. - Rich, poor, thin, fat--
Neither do we!
We don't care who they happen to love,
or have sex with, Mrs. Franklin.
As long as they are talented--
Christian.
- Talented. - Christian.
(DOOR OPENS)
(MAN) You know, Les, I've always felt deeply sorry
for people who couldn't appreciate me.
(LES) Noël Coward, 1899 to 1973!
I was from Teddington, Middlesex, you see.
Have you ever played Teddington, Middlesex?
Not yet.
Well, if you do, just make the best of it.
My point is, Les, I was a boy actor like you.
You and I think differently than other boys and girls.
I'd like to fit in, Noël. But I don't know how, I guess.
It didn't bother me in the least.
I call bullshit.
I never cared who scored the goal,
or which side won the silver cup.
I never learned to bat or bowl.
But I heard the curtain going up!
(FATHER GROANS)
(CHUCKLES)
Come on, Les. Let's go pick up your mother and brother.
(BELL RINGS)
(DOOR OPENS)
I hate this school. No one gets me.
You're a weirdo. It's not their fault.
Wait till you get to high school.
You'll find your people.
Derrick likes high school.
Derrick likes pushing the button in elevators.
Well, you're more complicated than your brother.
You're an artist, like me.
But Derrick's popular. You gave Derrick a popular name.
You actually gave me a name with no value.
Les--
If dirt were a name, you would've called me dirt.
Nice. Clever and dramatic.
You'll be happy too. It's inevitable.
Were you popular in middle school?
(SCOFFS)
Five people are popular in middle school, Dirt.
I already knew I wanted
to produce shows on Broadway when I was your age.
Who wants to do that in middle school?
Talk about weirdos.
(CAR HONKS)
Does it bother you it never happened?
Things change on a dime in show business.
It could still happen, you'll see.
Come on.
Vaginas scared me too at first.
Don't worry about it. Vaginas will grow on you.
("GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY" PLAYING)
♪ Give my regards to Broadway ♪
♪ Remember me To Herald Square ♪
♪ Tell all the gang At Forty-Second Street ♪
♪ That I will soon be there ♪
Buddy, you need to talk with your son.
Why are they mine when they're in trouble?
Ernie Saracino wants to quit.
Les.
Why is it me? It could be Derrick.
He says Les just arbitrarily
sneaks into scenes during the show.
I didn't sneak.
I told him I really think I should be in more scenes.
You're not the director. You can't--
It's Fiddler on the Roof.
I'm pretty sure there were children in Anatevka.
Ernie Saracino is the best,
least expensive director we have.
We cannot afford to lose him.
And he's tired of you upstaging everyone.
Derrick almost lost his virginity.
- Hey! - Almost?
How almost?
- Her name's Annabeth Devine. - Shut up!
Maybe Anna Bess. (LISPING) She lisps.
Well, invite her over for dinner.
We'd all like to meet her.
(SCOFFS) No.
No? It's not like you're embarrassed by us or anything.
Dad, of course I am.
Well, then bring her by the theater on a matinee day.
She won't even know we're checking her out.
(SCOFFS) No one I know wants to go to the theater.
God, I don't even want to be at the theater matinee days.
I-I'd rather do football.
- Okay? They're having-- - That's just a phase.
I could easily make the team at this school.
It's not my rule, there are eight shows a week.
That's just the way it is.
I'm not doing any more musicals.
You are not the only 16-year-old
who has to work in the family business.
You don't even pay me.
Well, you're not very good.
Just bring her over for dinner.
Uh, no, better yet,
we'll be having auditions at the house
for Raisin in the Sun soon.
Bring her by then. She will love it.
She won't, Dad. She's normal.
She'll grow out of it.
(WOMAN) We'll stay with your Uncle Abram!
(MAN) We're staying with your Uncle Abrams!
We're staying with your Uncle Abrams!
The whole world has to know our business!
(CROWD LAUGHTER)
Stop yelling and start packing.
(MAN) I don't need your advice, Golde.
(LAUGHTER)
We have a train to catch, and a boat.
Children, put the bundles on the wagon.
Work hard, Motel.
Come to us soon.
(WOMAN) Go on. Do it!
Why go through life unnoticed?
(LES) Ruth Gordon, 1896 to 1985.
Which scene are you crashing?
I promised my dad I wouldn't.
Well, some days, you have to lie.
This next scene's the one I really wanna get into.
They're forced to leave their little village of Anatevka.
So they stand in a circle holding hands,
then let go and go their separate ways.
It's symbolic.
Terrific!
But I don't know how to get in the circle
'cause they're holding hands.
Just do it. You'll figure it out.
You gotta go out there and show 'em what you got.
(DISTANT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
Don't worry about Ernie Saracino.
What can he do?
Go on. Make it great.
Bring the scene up to your great level.
Go! Go!
What the hell are you doing?
(VOICE CRACKING) I'm leaving Anatevka!
(MOTHER) Honey, our electric bill
is killing us.
Couldn't we raise the temp in the theater a bit?
It doesn't need to be like a morgue in there.
(BUDDY) Cold keeps the audience alert.
And it keeps us in debt.
- Let's just go to sleep. - (SIGHS)
Seems to me the only thing we ever fight about is money.
Well, I'm an American. And I love money.
Honestly, though,
you know what I'm afraid of, Buddy?
Silence?
Look, we are rich in other ways.
And I've got some coals in the fire.
Big things are coming. (CLUCKS TONGUE)
- I saw Reverend Jackson. - Mace--
Millions of people find comfort in God.
You act like it's just me.
I just don't want to be associated with it.
I was raised by two of the meanest, churchiest women--
I'm not your horrible dead aunts, I'm your wife.
And if you loved me, you would at least be open to it.
But if you loved me, you wouldn't try to change me.
It's because I love you, Buddy.
It would break my heart to watch you die without God.
Sweetie, who says I'm going first?
- Mm. (LAUGHS) - Hmm?
Honestly, I thought I would've worn you down by now.
The thought of you in purgatory terrifies me.
(MACY SIGHS)
- Goodnight. - Oh. Stop talking.
You don't always get to have the last word, you know?
- You're right. - Then stop talking.
- I am. - I mean it.
- I know. - Don't say any more. (CHUCKLES)
- I won't. - Oh...
(LAUGHS) I have to sleep.
I have to get up early to make the boys' lunches.
(BUDDY SIGHS)
- Sweet dreams. - I knew you were gonna do that!
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
(MACY) Hey!
Hey!
Honest to Betsy!
Do you have to play that thing where we can hear it?
Mom, I have to practice, or I'll never sound good.
You'll never sound good 'cause you're playing a bagpipe.
Bagpipes sound like a mistake.
Well, who were we bothering? We're making music.
That is not music!
Those things sounded lousy on stage.
They sound worse in life.
Les, come in and get ready for school.
(BAGPIPE TOOTS)
I will call the police on you myself, I swear it.
(BUDDY) Can you at least take joy
in the fact of knowing that any minute we might stop?
On with the show.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
(DOGS BARKING)
(SIGHS)
(STUDENT) Hey.
I was just wondering,
how come you never play sports after school?
I work at my parents' theater.
Theater?
I thought theater's just for fags.
Not just.
Are you a fag?
Actually, are you a boy or a girl?
You know you're going to hell, right, faggot?
You and all of your AIDS-y fag friends are gonna burn in hell.
♪ Sodomy ♪
♪ Fellatio ♪
♪ Cunnilingus ♪
♪ Why do these words Sound so nasty? ♪
Hair, 1967.
Galt McDermot, James Rado, Gerome Ragni, asshole.
You tell 'em, Les.
It's the age of Aquarius, man.
Let the sunshine in, you turd.
You are so fucking weird.
Yes, I am!
(SIGHS)
(BELL RINGS)
For what we are about to receive,
may the Lord make us truly grateful.
Amen.
Uh, I have an announcement.
Two words.
You ready?
Were those them?
No.
New Jersey.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
I haven't even said what's in New Jersey.
Les, what-- what are you doing?
Just being supportive.
Uh, okay.
So, I talked with Ed Monroe.
The Barn Theater in New Jersey is ours if we want it.
Now it's a family decision. We all get to vote--
No, we're not moving to New Jersey.
That's actually a good theater! Like, 1100 seats.
- How much are they paying us? - Well--
No, I-I-- Dad, I like it here. Okay?
I-I like my friends. I like my school.
I have a girlfriend, okay? I can't like...
What's the point of doing anything
if we always have to start over?
Derrick, The Barn is a summer theater.
We'd be back in the fall.
- Ding, ding, ding! - So, I got plans this summer.
- Les. Can you... - What?
You didn't even let me get to the fun part.
Milwaukee!
- Oh, my God! - (SIGHS)
Ed also owns
the Players Theater in Milwaukee.
Now if we do enough business this summer,
he's going to offer us
a five-year contract for both theaters.
No more season to season!
That sounds too good to be true.
- (LAUGHING) Yes! - Wait.
What if we don't do enough business at The Barn?
Well, then we're screwed.
If we all decide to go to The Barn,
then I have to give notice here so they have time to replace me.
And if we don't do
enough business this summer, then we end up with...
(POPS) ...nothing.
Of course. When is it ever easy?
I-I-I vote no. Okay?
Enough.
I... All I wanna do is play football
and lose my virginity.
That's not asking a lot.
And I can't do either of those things
if I'm constantly moving around.
I like it here.
Okay? Please, just...
Les, how do you vote?
I vote...
that we leave this ugly town.
Okay, so we have one voting to stay, one to leave.
You little shit.
Don't say "shit" when we're eating.
Nobody likes me here, okay?
Derrick, and you can play football anywhere.
You can do better than Annabeth Devine.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
but she told me her favorite Marx brother was Curly.
Guess what? I don't give a shit who
- her favorite Marx brother is. - Derrick.
Curly isn't a Marx brother. He's Three Stooges!
That's very telling.
What do you think, Mace, huh?
I mean, no pressure.
This is just our entire future.
Well, I know how you're gonna vote,
and I know how you want me to vote.
(MACY EXHALES)
You're quite adorable when you get keyed up.
Oh! I know it.
You're the biggest liar. You only ever think of yourself!
No. That's not true.
Just last night, I was up late
imagining what it must feel like to be you.
But then, I got so bored.
- (SHOUTS) - (YELPS)
- Five years? - Yeah.
We could have real lives.
Yes!
- Wow! But... - (LES SCREAMS)
You little asshole!
- No, uh-uh, no, Derrick! - Come here!
I'm just, I'm so afraid to be hopeful.
This could be the biggest mistake we've ever made.
But Milwaukee could lead to bigger cities.
Our name could finally mean something.
This is what we've been waiting for.
But if it doesn't work, I mean... (GASPS)
Honey, we'd be living in the car.
That's a new low, even for us.
Mace, it could be great.
Well... (SIGHS)
Great is the way I like it. (CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
(CHEERS AND LAUGHS)
Yes!
(BOTH CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
Mwah! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
- (MUFFLED MUSIC) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(BUDDY) Derrick?
(MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES)
I know you're upset.
I'm not upset.
- I'm not going. - (MUFFLED MUSIC STOPS)
I'll stay here with Annabeth's family.
That is never going to happen.
I got a job at Foot Locker.
I'll stay with her family, pay her family rent.
I'll stay in school. I'm almost 18 anyway.
You're 16.
I'm happy here.
You're gonna be happy there too.
I'm happy here.
Okay? I hate always saying goodbye to everyone.
Well, you won't have to say goodbye for five years.
If we even make it there!
This is yours, Les and Mom's dream.
Theater, it's all right,
except it's bullshit. It's not real.
Real is so overrated, Derrick.
I-I-I have a girlfriend here. You--
You'll have a dozen girlfriends.
And that's life. You don't-- You don't stop at the first one.
So I should just sleep around? Is that what you're telling me?
- Yes. - (SCOFFS)
I wish someone would've told me.
Look, Derrick, you're a great looking kid...
You're not listening.
That's the last thing I think about, you know?
Did you know that more Playboy Playmates
come out of Milwaukee than any other town?
Dad, you can't just make things up
and then think that they're true.
Derrick, you have to dream things into happening.
You have to dream bigger than you are.
And you have to find work that you love,
and then you bring that love into work with you.
(STAMMERS) Who would rather work at the Foot Locker
when you could work in the theater?
Me!
(SCOFFS)
("WALK OF LIFE" BY DIRE STRAITS PLAYING)
Thirteen, fourteen. All bags are accounted for.
You gonna be okay there, Annabeth?
- (SOBS) - Okay then.
Goodbye, Akron. I will not be back.
There are places I like better.
Derrick, come on. Chop, chop. Get the show on the road.
("WALK OF LIFE" BY DIRE STRAITS CONTINUES)
(HORN HONKS)
♪ Here comes Johnny Singing oldies goldies ♪
♪ "Be-Bop-A-Lula" "Baby What I Say" ♪
♪ Here comes Johnny Singing "I Got a Woman" ♪
♪ Down in the tunnels Trying to make it pay ♪
♪ He got the action He got the motion ♪
♪ Oh, yeah The boy can play ♪
♪ Dedication Devotion ♪
♪ Turning all the night time Into the day ♪
♪ He do the song About the sweet lovin' woman ♪
♪ He do the song About the knife ♪
(MUSIC MUFFLES)
♪ They do the walk ♪
What's our address out there?
- Hmm... - We're not exactly sure.
Remember Dee Baskin, who played Anybodys in West Side Story?
- In real life too. - (CHUCKLES)
She sells real estate in New Jersey now.
We are going to stay in empty houses Dee Baskin's selling.
(SCOFFS) Do the owners know?
- (BOTH GROAN) - Great. We're squatters.
We're enterprising.
I'll just tell Annabeth to address her letters
to "Empty houses Dee Baskin is selling."
Derrick, you're handsome.
You'll be single for an hour wherever we go.
I don't give a red hot shit about how I look, okay?
I wish everyone would just shut up about how I looked.
- (LAUGHS) - What?
Oh, my God, you got lipstick all over your face!
- Shit. - (LAUGHS)
Is it gone?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. You got it.
("I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL" PLAYING)
♪ I am the very model Of a modern Major-General ♪
♪ I've information vegetable Animal and mineral ♪
♪ I know the kings of England ♪
♪ And I quote The fights historical ♪
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo In order categorical ♪
Ha ha!
♪ I'm very well-acquainted too With matters mathematical ♪
♪ I understand equations ♪
♪ Both the simple And quadratical ♪
♪ About binomial theorem ♪
♪ I am teeming With a lot o' news ♪
Oh, yes.
♪ With many cheerful facts ♪
♪ About the square Of the hypotenuse ♪
♪ With many cheerful facts ♪
♪ About the square Of the hypotenuse ♪
♪ With many cheerful facts ♪
♪ About the square Of the hypotenuse ♪
♪ With many cheerful facts ♪
♪ About the square Of the hypoten-potenuse ♪
- (ARPEGGIO PLAYS) - Mom!
♪ I'm very good at integral And differential calculus ♪
♪ I know the scientific names Of beings animalculous ♪
♪ In short in matters vegetable Animal and mineral ♪
♪ I am the very model Of a modern Major-General ♪
♪ In short in matters vegetable Animal and mineral ♪
♪ He is the very model Of a modern Major-General ♪
- (CHUCKLES) - Derrick!
(BUDDY) Derrick?
(MACY) Derrick?
- Oh, my God. - (SONG CONTINUES)
(ACTOR) ♪ I know our mythic history ♪
♪ King Arthur's And Sir Caradoc's ♪
♪ I answer hard acrostics ♪
♪ I've a pretty taste For paradox ♪
♪ I quote in elegiacs ♪
♪ All the crimes Of Heliogabalus ♪
♪ In conics I can floor Peculiarities parabolous ♪
(PERSON COUGHS)
♪ I can tell Undoubted Raphaels ♪
♪ From Gerard Dows And Zoffanies ♪
♪ I know the croaking chorus ♪
♪ From the frogs Of Aristophanes ♪
♪ Then I can hum a fugue ♪
♪ Of which I've heard The music's din afore ♪
Din afore? Din afore? Din afore? Ah.
♪ And whistle all the airs ♪
♪ From that infernal nonsense Pinafore ♪
♪ And whistle all the airs ♪
♪ From that infernal nonsense Pinafore ♪
♪ And whistle all the airs ♪
♪ From that infernal nonsense Pinafore ♪
♪ And whistle all the airs ♪
♪ From that infernal nonsense Pina-Pinafore ♪
(ARPEGGIO PLAYS)
♪ For my military knowledge ♪
♪ Though I'm plucky And adventury ♪
♪ Has only been brought down ♪
♪ To the beginning Of the century ♪
♪ But still in matters Vegetable, animal and mineral ♪
♪ I am the very model Of a modern Major-General ♪
♪ But still in matters Vegetable, animal and mineral ♪
♪ He is the very model Of a modern Major-General ♪
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
(WHISPERS) What the fuck!
(WOMAN) Bravo!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
- (BUDDY HUMMING) - (MACY SIGHS)
Is that the smile you're gonna wear?
Well, I don't have a poker face. You know that.
Come on, the show was great.
Yeah, but the house wasn't.
Seriously, Ed Monroe did not look happy.
What are we gonna say to Ed?
- Ed! Congratulations! - Ed! Congratulations!
Beautiful production, Buddy.
Well, if you're happy, we're happy.
- I'm not happy. - Oh.
- Where was the audience? - Oh, listen.
Wait until the reviews come out.
Word of mouth will spread.
We'll be selling out every night.
We better, 'cause this won't do.
(MACY) We hear you, Ed. We're on it.
(BUDDY) All over it. Don't worry about a thing.
Buddy, honey, I want you to meet Fred.
- I'll bring him right back. - (MACY) Please.
I will.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (SIGHS)
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
No.
No, the first time I kissed a girl,
she stuck her tongue in my mouth, moved it around...
I thought she was having a seizure.
Wow, Kyle. 'Cause, you know,
you look like you were born without your virginity.
(CHUCKLES)
So, uh...
how do you act sexy?
It's more like thinking. Hm?
You know, when I go up to a girl,
I'm not worrying, "How will I impress her?"
"What am I gonna say?" No.
You think one thing, very clearly,
over and over when you approach...
What?
"I have a foot-long penis."
And then just be whatever she wants you to be.
You're an actor. You could do that.
And it's sexy.
Oh, also, try and go for the plainer girls
who think you're out of their league.
Flattered sex is amazing.
Now you try. "I have a foot-long penis."
Oh, really? Just--
Yeah, no, really. It works every time.
Okay.
You're a very weird kid, Les.
Thanks.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES MUFFLED)
Tonight was fun.
How can you act like we're not in some serious shit right now?
All I said was tonight was fun.
Ed Monroe is not happy. We're about to lose everything.
Do you even care about your family at all?
This is just what we do, Macy.
What do we do?
We struggle, you freak. It works out, we repeat.
That is not our thing.
That is-- That's a terrible thing.
But it's ours.
Well, it's not the way I see it.
Well, how do you see it?
I see to it we scrape by, by any means possible
while you promise us this great future.
- Okay, okay, come on. - It's exhausting, Buddy.
I am lonely, and it's turning me into some kind of a shrew.
Macy, please. It's okay.
I'm actually repelling people now,
and I don't blame them.
I'm even repelling you!
We're about to lose everything,
and you're talking about what fun you had at a party.
(GROANS)
You know, it would be nice if just once
you showed a little faith in me.
Just a little.
You, you put so much faith in your invisible God.
Well, I'm actually here, and you have none in me.
Because you promised we'd make it in five years!
Wishing things won't work, Buddy.
This is my dream too!
I have given us a big life!
A unique one.
Don't treat that like it's nothing.
(MACY SIGHS)
And we're not doing so badly.
No, we're doing horribly!
- Oh, my-- - We have kids.
You wanted to wait so long
'cause you didn't wanna make the same mistakes
as your mean dead aunts,
but your mistakes are just as bad.
- We're living hand-to-mouth... - Ha! Jee-- I mean--
...in empty houses Dee Baskin is selling.
What's your plan B?
We are not living hand-to-mouth.
We are so rich in so many ways,
but the only thing you ever see is what we don't have.
Yeah, well, unless we get some butts in those seats,
I don't know where we're going. Where are we going, Buddy?
As I've said all along, we are either all in or we're not.
I will make this work!
All right? I promise.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(GROANS)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILS)
Come on, go to sleep.
Your mom and I were just rehearsing.
(WHISPERS) I don't know how,
but your mom will blame me if she knows you're still up.
How old were you when you married Mom?
You know we don't do age in this house.
(EXHALES)
(BUDDY SIGHS)
She was so much fun, your mom.
No, she really was.
But she couldn't say, "I love you"
unless she really felt it deeply.
I could say "love" like other people say "envelope,"
I'm so shallow.
So I admire that in her.
What was your mom like?
Oh, I really don't remember her.
She walked out when I was only four,
didn't even shut the door.
I had to live with my aunts, Astrid and Reliance.
God.
So, your mom could be anywhere in the world,
you'd never know it.
Yeah. People are shits.
But that's on them.
How you treat people is more important.
And, Les, you have a huge capacity for kindness.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I didn't learn anything about love
from Astrid and Reliance.
I got all that from your mother.
Yeah.
And you two monsters.
Can you imagine your mother's face
when the money comes in?
Wow. (LAUGHS)
Oh, that would be something.
I wish I knew how to do it.
We will.
I know.
- (BAGPIPES PLAYING) - (DOGS BARKING)
(GROANS)
(DISTANT TRAIN HORN BLARES)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Yeah?
- Hey. - Hey.
I told Les I'd drop these off to him.
Did he tell you I was coming by?
No, of course not. (CHUCKLES)
Books on acting.
Oh, I don't know if I should thank you or throw them at you.
I tell you what, you wash, I'll dry.
Then I got to get to rehearsal.
Deal. (CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you.
(EXHALES) So, what's your story?
Where you from, anyway?
Arkansas City, Kansas. You ever hear of it?
- No, never will. - (CHUCKLES)
So what do you do for fun in Arkansas?
(MACY LAUGHS)
Oh, think of ways to get out, mostly.
But looking back, I was happy then,
and didn't even know it.
Maybe that's just being young.
But I was Queen of the Arkalala Festival.
Oh, I knew you looked familiar.
(MACY LAUGHS)
My nickname growing up was Bigfoot
'cause I was six feet by the time I was twelve.
So you could've knocked me over when I got that crown.
It sounds like an honor,
but pretty slim pickings in Arkansas, I admit it.
- (LAUGHS) - Is that where you met Buddy?
No, we met at a theater party.
I think he always thought
I was gonna be that kind of party happy.
And I let him. We married a week later.
Mm.
It was like there was a spotlight on him
anywhere he'd go.
And he chose me.
Hmm.
It's hard being the plus one
in your own life sometimes, though, you know?
I've never felt like a plus one before.
(LAUGHS) No.
- What? - No.
(LAUGHS) Well...
- What? - Nothing.
- (LAUGHS) - (CLEARS THROAT)
I don't see him going anywhere.
No. Mm-mm. He's not.
I am.
Rehearsals.
(MACY CHUCKLES)
Thanks for the books.
And in the future, when Les is on unemployment,
we'll think of you.
(QUIRKY UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
(BUDDY) Thank you for the tour.
I've been looking for a really nice place to worship.
You're very welcome here.
- Oh. - Anytime.
Thank you. How many parishioners do you have here?
I would say 120.
Oh...
Well, it's a start.
Very nice.
Rabbi, how many members are there
in the temple's congregation?
The masonry itself is just spectacular.
As the newest member
of the Ascension Greek Orthodox Church,
I would love to organize
a theater party for all our parishioners.
So Catholics can come to our productions
at a much reduced rate...
seeing that I'm one of you now.
Buddy, that's horrible.
How many churches did you join?
Eleven.
What? You're always after me to join the church.
Buddy, it's a sin to lie to a man of the cloth!
Who lied?
I said I wanted to join the church, I joined.
Well, you're sending yourself to hell.
I hope you know that. Straight to hell.
I'm doubling our subscriptions.
- Seriously? - (DEVIOUSLY) Yes.
(POPS MOUTH)
(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)
I bet I could get us a balcony full of Episcopalians then.
(LAUGHS) Yes!
Holy cow!
(LAUGHING AND GROANING)
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, you look exactly like the girl I married.
Wow.
Or maybe we always see the people we love
the way they looked when we first fell in love with 'em.
I'm not like that girl.
Oh, you're not?
You said, "Holy cow!"
Maybe you don't see it, but I do.
You just want to see it.
I told you I was gonna make this happen, Macy.
You're very sexy when you get all self-starty.
Wow, get used to that.
What? What are you doing?
- Come here. - What?
We have just enough time for a quickie.
(LAUGHS) What?
(MACY) Come on, right here on the counter.
We'll turn off the lights. Save on the electricity bill.
Macy? We can't, we don't have time.
- Five minutes, tops. - No. Look,
Les could be here any second with--
with Fritzi and Loud Sue and the rest of the gang.
When is Les ever on time?
Oh, my God!
(LAUGHS)
You are my favorite wife ever!
Ooh!
I'm gonna go to the store to get beer for everyone.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Macy, this is the best brownie
I've ever had in my entire mouth.
(LAUGHS)
Dad, can we do On Borrowed Time when we get to Milwaukee?
If we get to Milwaukee.
Honestly, Les. You only ever want to do plays
with parts for you in it.
Well, you got to audition like everybody else, sport.
(WOMAN) Barbra Streisand made me her Brooklyn brownie
when I was with the Broadway company of Funny Girl.
(CHUCKLES) It doesn't compare to this.
They always make me audition. I hate auditioning for them.
(WOMAN) Kyle, you're the first person
who didn't look impressed when I happen to mention
I worked with Barbra.
And they always say the same thing
after every audition.
(BOTH) Thank you, Les. We'll call you.
You know, and they never call.
I have to audition again tomorrow.
Brighton Beach Memoirs. It's the lead.
I was the first replacement,
Mrs. Strakosh, in the original show. (LAUGHS)
Does that make me too old for you?
No. It's your age that does.
(RINGING)
That's my beeper.
Oh, I gotta check my answering service.
- Oh, maybe it's your big break. - Yeah.
Hey, Macy, can I use your phone? Whoa.
- Of course. - Thanks.
Relax, dear. He plays for my team, not yours.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(BUDDY) There you go. You got it.
(QUIRKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
Les Smart.
It's Lester.
(BUDDY CLEARS THROAT)
Whenever you're ready, Lester.
Oh, yeah.
- (BUDDY) * One... ♪ - (LES) Two, shoulders up.
(BOTH) * Singular sensation Every little step she takes ♪
(LES) Point and point. And step.
Hat to the head. Three, four.
- * One ♪ - Elbow right, down.
♪ Brilliant combination Every move that she makes ♪
Step, brush, three, four.
♪ One smile And suddenly nobody else ♪
Step, flick, step, up, step and step, slow.
♪ You know you'll never Be lonely ♪
(LES) Kick, step, brush.
♪ With you-know-who ♪
- Five, six. Back, back! - (BUDDY CONTINUES SINGING)
Yes, Tiffany, find your light, pop, good.
♪ And you can forget the rest ♪
♪ Diddla-diddla-do ♪
♪ For the girl is second best ♪
♪ To none, son ♪
♪ Ooh, sigh ♪
♪ Give her your attention ♪
♪ Do I really have to mention ♪
♪ She's the one ♪
(HUMMING)
When do we hear about Milwaukee?
Shouldn't we have heard something already?
Derrick, what are you gonna do when the money comes in?
Hmm?
- When the money comes in? - Yeah.
I'm gonna get Green Bay season tickets
right at the 50-yard line.
I mean, everyone's writing them off,
but I don't know.
Well, what are we gonna do if Milwaukee doesn't happen?
Oh, it will happen. Everything's gonna be great.
But, I mean, like, do we have a place to go?
Because eventually Dee Baskin's gonna sell a house.
No, we are all in on this one.
But, the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.
(SMACKS LIPS) The bigger the loss.
I mean... (STAMMERS) how will we even pay for food?
- Theater tickets. - Theater tickets.
(SCOFFS)
You gotta have a little faith, Derrick.
You might ask yourself, "Why can't I be more like Les?"
'Cause I'm more like me.
He's got a positive attitude.
He has faith that we're going to end up in Milwaukee.
- Don't you, Les? - Nope.
Thanks.
Very funny.
- Watch out for the pothole. - Hmm?
- The pothole, right-- - (METALLIC THUD)
- Sorry. - Really?
Derrick?
I need to talk to you about all the girls
that you've been kissing on lately.
No, no, you don't.
Yes, I do. Your mother and I think you're being a slut.
No, look, you-- you told me to sleep around. Okay?
It's exactly what you said, word-for-word.
"Have a big life," you said. You wished someone had told you.
That doesn't mean you sleep around
with every girl from Secaucus to Paramus.
I mean, there's horny, and then there's pervy.
Watch out for the pothole. Do you see it?
- Right there. - (METALLIC THUD)
- Dad, he's doing it on purpose. - Shut up!
Hey!
If you have sex without a condom,
your mom's gonna cut your balls off.
I think this talk went well.
(LES) Derrick, can you drop me off at the theater?
(BUDDY) All right, Lester, have fun.
(WOMAN) Les, darling.
How did you know I'd be here?
(LES) Tallulah Bankhead, 1902 to 1968.
You look ghastly, Les darling. What's the matter?
I'm just waiting to see if I got a part and...
It's a long story, Tallulah,
and I'm not sure how I come out at the end of it.
Champagne?
I meant for me. (LAUGHS)
You know, plus, Derrick's making out like a bandit,
and it's got me thinking--
I don't know what to tell you.
I've been with many men, and I've been with many women.
And, darling, there has got to be something better.
(DISTANT RATTLING)
Did you hear that?
(RATTLING CONTINUES)
(MOANING)
- Oh! - Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't see anything.
Oh, shit.
Les...
(WHIMPERS)
(CRYING)
Les, wait, please! Les, Les, no...
Buddy?
What-- What happened? What's wrong?
What did-- What do you-- Who's on the phone?
(STAMMERS)
We got Milwaukee.
I got the call.
Milwaukee!
Five years!
We are set for the next full five years!
Oh, my God!
Champagne. We need champagne. Lots of it!
We're celebrating big time. You know why, Les?
It's not just because of the phone call.
Les...
I should probably go through your people,
I know, but I can't wait.
You got the role.
What?
What? The role.
Brighton Beach Memoirs. You got the role.
You were the best actor. Truly.
There was no nepotism involved.
Oh-oh-oh.
There you go. Yes, let it out. You deserve it.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
(BUDDY LAUGHS)
Congratulations. You wanna go to the store with me?
No, it's okay, it's okay.
You know what?
This is a turning point for our family.
(CHUCKLES)
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
(WHISPERS) Les...
(DISTANT BELL TOLLING)
Alcohol...
(DOOR CHIMES)
Do you have any decent champagne?
(CLERK) Indecent only.
Everyone's a comedian.
(HUMMING)
There we go.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Mm.
No, no, no.
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
No.
(DEEP RUMBLING)
(MUFFLED THUD)
Welcome in the name of Jesus,
we are gathered to worship, to proclaim Christ crucified
and reason to remember before God,
our brother Buddy Smart.
To give thanks for his life,
to commend him to our merciful redeemer
and to comfort one another in our grief.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ
and the communion of the holy spirit
all gather grace and glory, we remember before you today...
(VOICE GROWS DISTANT) ...our brother Buddy.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUFFLED VOICE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC SWELLS)
(MUFFLED VOICE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(OVERLAPPING WHISPERED SPEECH)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Do you remember Mr. Paterson?
Son, sorry for your loss.
Oh, doctor.
(GRUNTS)
Boys, I'm so sorry for your loss.
And, Macy.
He lived life exactly the way he wanted.
It's a gift. No one could ever tell Buddy what to do.
I could. And did. But he didn't listen anyway.
(CHUCKLES)
Clearly, I couldn't.
Dr. Kannengiser, thank you for coming all that way.
I'm just so overwhelmed by how many people showed up.
I wish Buddy could've seen it.
He loved a packed house.
(LAUGHS) That he did.
Doctor... what couldn't you tell Buddy to do?
Well, you know. Retire. 'Cause of his heart.
(BUDDY, ON RECORDING) You've reached the Smarts.
If you were trying for someone else,
we beg your pardon.
I will recite a poem if you leave a message.
(CLEARS THROAT)
There once was a woman from Devizes,
whose breasts were of different sizes.
One was quite small. It was nothing at all.
The other was huge and won prizes!
- Your turn. - (MACHINE BEEPS)
("IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND" BY GORDON LIGHTFOOT PLAYING)
♪ If you could read My mind, love ♪
♪ What a tale My thoughts could tell ♪
♪ Just like An old-time movie ♪
♪ 'Bout a ghost From a wishing well ♪
♪ In a castle dark Or a fortress strong ♪
♪ With chains upon my feet ♪
♪ You know that ghost is me ♪
♪ And I will never Be set free ♪
♪ As long as I'm a ghost You can't see ♪
- Mom? - (MACY) Hmm.
Did he talk to you about me playing football in Milwaukee?
He said I could.
He, uh, said if we got there, that there'd be security
so I wouldn't have to work at the theater anymore.
He promised.
You don't have to work at the theater anymore, Derrick.
But what about the theater in Milwaukee?
(SIGHS) Look, I really tried,
but your father had a contract there, not us.
We're not going to Milwaukee. We're going home.
- Home? - Yeah.
You can play football in Kansas.
My brother said we could stay with him on his farm.
- On his farm? - (PENCIL SCRIBBLING)
We're living on a farm?
What are we, cowpoke?
What am I supposed to do in fucking Kansas?
Hey.
You can start by watching your mouth.
It's physically impossible to watch your mouth.
We don't have options.
You might even like it there, Les.
It'll be like living in The Wizard of Oz.
In the black-and-white section of The Wizard of Oz.
No one wants to live in that section!
Just keep an open mind.
Kansas is famous for twisters and being white.
We don't have any place else to go!
I am doing the best I can for us.
You're just gonna have to accept it, Les.
(BIRDS CAWING)
The motto of the state of Kansas is...
"To the stars through difficulties."
Seems to me you've all had your share of difficulties.
What do you boys like to do for fun? Huh?
- Um... - Les loves theater,
- like his dad. - Mm-hmm.
Uh, I don't know about theaters much, but...
we have a Renaissance Fair
with costumes, mermaids, and fire spitters.
(CHUCKLES)
The church puts on a nativity tableaux each year.
And, that's... you know, kinda theater-y, and...
That's not even amateur theater.
Um, what about football?
Oh, well, we love our football in Kansas.
- And we're really bad at it. - (LAUGHS)
But we got national parks, national forests, and, uh...
Macy? What do you say I take the boys hunting tomorrow?
Really? Arming them? I--
Well, I know the girls never wanted to go,
but I bet your boys would.
I'm not some psycho serial killer
shooting and killing things.
- My dad just died. - (FORK CLINKS)
Les...
I know that, but people here feel differently.
Out here... gun control means hitting what you aim at.
People out here, they love their guns.
- People followed Hitler, too. - Jesus.
Oh, yeah, you think that's a fair comparison?
I don't give a shit about being fair.
- Les! - Well...
You know, suit yourself.
You're free to stay, and you're free to go.
No one's holding you prisoner.
But we clear our own plates in this house.
What part of "We don't have anywhere else to go"
was unclear?
(OWL HOOTING)
You all right?
No.
I don't think I'm me anymore without my dad.
I'm never gonna find my people in Kansas.
You haven't even been here a day.
This is an opportunity.
You start a new school next week. High school.
Just try fitting in. Huh?
Having a normal life isn't a sin.
Les...
Y-You need to let me explain.
- I loved your father-- - Just go away.
I just want to unsee it.
But for the longest time,
everybody looked at me like I was...
dull and serious, and not worth knowing.
And-- And I-I never used to be any of those things.
Even you looked at me like that, Les.
Your dad, he saw someone that didn't exist anymore.
And I just...
I just wanted to be seen. And Kyle saw me.
Saw you with his penis?
(INHALES SLOWLY)
I made a really bad decision,
and I made it deliberately.
And I wish to God it was just my secret and you didn't know.
I'm so sorry, Les.
I love you, sweetheart.
(MAN) Hey, Les. Can I tell you something?
Kansas was my real inspiration, you know.
(LES) William Inge, 1913 to 1973.
If you look at my plays, Les, they're all about my life here.
Kansas turned me into a real artist. (CHUCKLES)
You could be an artist too.
You could be as happy as I was here if you just give it a try.
Didn't you kill yourself?
Well... (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Run, run, run, run Run away now ♪
♪ Got to run away from me ♪
♪ Whistle-blowin' Pistol-packin' ♪
♪ Gun-slingin' showdown ♪
♪ Is what you're all About to see ♪
(MUSIC FADES)
- Nice shirt. - Thanks.
Listen to Dr. Feelgood yet?
Pretty good. Better than Girls, Girls, Girls.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Alex. - Derrick.
- Johnny. - New?
- Yeah. - Cool.
Seriously?
(CHATTERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- My mom, you know, she just-- - (CHUCKLES)
This is, uh, my brother Les.
Yo.
(ANNOUNCER) The chess club in room 104
has been canceled.
Am I seeing things,
or did Selena Roach get, like, totally hot over break?
Oh, man, look at her.
- She looks kind of slutty. - Right?
Right. Yeah, I love sluts.
She is totally third base, man.
You know, when I pick up girls, I think one thing.
- Very clearly, over and over. - What?
- "I have a foot-long penis." - (SNORTS AND LAUGHTER)
Yeah, watch.
No way.
(LAUGHTER)
What's so funny? What are they saying about me?
My brother thinks you're a fox.
He's the guy you're watching like a TV set.
Yeah, I'm so sure.
Not really my type.
What kind of girl does he like?
New.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm Les.
Hmm. Okay. Selena.
Oh, you shouldn't be drinking like that.
I'm using a glass.
- No, I meant-- - No.
I should absolutely be drinking, okay?
I yelled at Buddy over and over to have a Plan B.
I have no plan.
I was an awful wife. My kids are miserable.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be drinking.
I meant you shouldn't be drinking alone.
(BANGS TABLE)
My mistake.
(GRUMBLES)
Why'd you stop talking to me?
Why, I'm pretty sure we're talking now.
You stopped returning calls, you stopped writing...
- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.
Well, you look terrible.
Well, I feel terrible, Walter.
Well, you...
You look it.
- (GLASS CLINKS) - (SIGHS)
Look...
I read three different articles this week about...
food allergies.
Three. That can't be a coincidence.
They say, what you eat directly contributes to how you feel.
You can be allergic to something.
And-- And it-- And it causes--
it causes mood swings, and you aren't aware of it.
That's not this.
Look, there's a man in Enid, Oklahoma
who cut his wife up in a salad bowl
'cause he was allergic to dairy.
All three articles talked about him.
Walter...
No, all I'm saying is... aside from Buddy...
The uncertainty?
The overwhelming emotions?
Yeah?
Could all be tuna.
Yeah.
(SELENA) Glad you could ditch with me.
(LES) I always ditch PE.
How long have you lived here?
God, too long.
I know everything everyone's gonna say before they say it.
Intolerable.
I'm moving to LA first chance I get.
If Debbie Gibson can be a rockstar...
I'm giving myself five years to make it in New York.
I'm going to an acting school
where they don't just teach acting...
but how to become rich and be fascinating.
My dad said they have those in New York.
Wait, you're gay?
What?
Mm. All actors are just a little bit gay.
Do you wanna touch my boob?
Yeah.
Uh, under the shirt.
Oh.
Hey, your brother seems way cool.
- Mm. - He have a girlfriend?
- Uh-uh. - Hmm.
Okay, it doesn't screw off, Les. That's enough.
I saw Hair when I was eight 'cause...
my dad said he'd rather I learn about sex in the theater
than the street.
People here are obsessed with sex.
You know, I'm in AP Calculus.
But no one ever talks about that.
I know what the guys here say about me.
But I'm not doing anything they're not doing.
Anything they wish they were doing.
Exactly.
Intolerable.
Yeah, it just really upsets people here
that I have a working brain, and a working vagina.
(GAGS)
Intolerable.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ On a hill far away ♪
♪ Stood an old rugged cross ♪
♪ The emblem Of suffering and shame ♪
(SINGING MUFFLES) ♪ And I love that old cross ♪
♪ Where the dearest and best ♪
♪ For a world of lost sinners Was slain ♪
Thank you so much for coming today.
- Pastor Ellis, I'm Macy Smart. - Oh, hi, Macy.
I hear the church is looking for a bookkeeper.
Yes, actually,
our Miss Rowbottom's leaving us to get married.
I have over 15 years experience in bookkeeping for my husband.
- Okay, and your husband is-- - Dead? Yes.
Oh.
His number came up, as we say in bookkeeping.
I see.
Look. Apparently, I'm a control freak
with control over absolutely nothing in my life.
And I'm also seemingly dull and uninteresting,
so perfect for the job.
I'll see what we can do, Macy.
It was a lot of this, watch... Double take.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Triple take.
- (LAUGHTER) - It was so... Oh, my God!
It was like serving time in thespian jail.
And the more I tried to escape,
the more musicals they'd put me in.
That's bizarre, dude.
I know, and I'm fantasizing about football and tackling
and for real, this is what they have me doing.
On stage, in front of everyone.
Eight shows a week. Triple time step!
- (TAPPING) - (LAUGHTER)
It wasn't actually like that.
It was actually really great.
Come on! "Moon, June, croon, tune"
and the "feelings" bullshit.
It was so corny and embarrassing.
I never told any of my friends what I was doing
'cause I know I'd never live it down.
It wasn't corny.
It was corn right off the cob, Les.
You just weren't good at it.
Everything's different up there.
The energy, the intensity.
You connect with everybody simultaneously
and bring them together.
That's the opposite of corny.
- We were good. - No.
We were terrible, Les.
Dad told you we were good, and you believed him.
And we were a joke.
And Dad picked that joke over us.
And he died for it.
(SCOFFS) I mean, he wanted to be good,
but you gotta face the truth,
Dad was the joke.
Dad was fucking tragic.
- Take it back! - (CROWD) Whoa.
Dad went after what he loved 100%, and that's brave.
We were special, and you weren't.
That's not Dad's fault.
You're just a boring, ordinary asshole, Derrick.
Dad wasn't tragic!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
We were special.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES)
What are you and Derrick fighting about?
I'm not talking about it with you.
Okay.
Why not?
Because you cheated on Dad.
Is that what you and Derrick were fighting about?
You know...
I'm gonna be so famous.
Everyone's gonna piss themselves wishing they were nicer to me.
When the money comes in...
I'm gonna make Kyle my assistant and treat him terrible.
No matter what he does, it's not good enough.
And when it's time to give him a raise, I'm gonna fire him.
Okay, you wanna join me here
- in reality for a second? - No.
Reality sucks. It's better in my head.
But it's not real.
- It's better. - It's not.
It's braver to face things head on.
Artists appreciate truth.
You're not an artist.
Your dreams never happened, so now you don't dream at all.
That's the opposite of brave.
No, you don't dream when you're just trying to survive, Les.
That's exactly when you do.
No, you face facts and you deal with them.
Dreams are fine, but dreams can also destroy you.
I am trying...
to protect you, Les.
That's my job.
- You're limiting me. - No.
You want me to pick the safest, smallest life possible.
Honey...
I'm giving myself five years to make it in New York.
I'm not gonna be small and simple like you.
I'm going after what I want.
And I'm dreaming fucking big, just like my dad.
You're not ever gonna forgive me, are you?
- (EXHALES) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You have everything you need?
(CHUCKLES) Really?
(CHUCKLES) Uh, you know what I mean.
I'm fine.
Really?
You know what I mean. Come in.
(BOTH GROAN)
(EXHALES) You think you're gonna stay?
I don't know what to think.
I'm just...
Well...
Questioning everything.
Yeah.
I can't even pray.
Why would I pray to a God that let Buddy die without faith?
Plus, Buddy knew he was sick.
He pretended he was fine. He never let on.
Mm.
I didn't know Buddy well, but...
I guess he didn't want you to worry--
They warned him.
Buddy and his big dreams.
That's what killed him. And I-I...
I must've known on some level because I kept begging him...
I don't know how to forgive him.
I can't forgive myself.
- Mm. - And I don't know how to...
live my life now without God.
You know, growing up, uh...
I always wanted to protect you.
But you never needed it.
Who knew I'd be so bad at it?
- (LAUGHS) - No...
What do you suppose Buddy'd say about all this?
On with the show.
Hm.
(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS)
I know what you've heard about me.
- (EXHALES) - I don't, you know.
They all just say they've been with me
because they don't wanna be the only one who hasn't.
- (EXHALES) - All of 'em.
(CAN CRINKLES AND CLINKS)
It's all good.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You know, I don't say anything because, uh...
you do what you have to when your last name's Roach.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I mean, I don't care, it doesn't bother me, I--
I'm leaving town anyway.
I'm moving to LA to become a singer.
Don't-- Don't go. I just got here.
(LAUGHS) You're messed up, huh?
Wha-- I'm not messed up.
Uh-huh. No? (LAUGHS)
- No, no siree-- - Yeah.
No, I'm--
- Okay, yeah, I am. - Yeah.
- I'm messed up. - (BOTH LAUGH)
- Okay, slow down. - Hey.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yep, LA.
Actually, we, um-- We moved here from Milwaukee.
Mm.
Yeah, my dad's in manufacturing.
He worked at the Maybelline cosmetics factory
until it shut down there.
I didn't even get a fucking lipstick outta it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wha...
Did you know that more Playboy Playmates
come from Milwaukee, than...
Shit!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS) Oh, Dad...
What's wrong?
It's just... I don't even miss my dad.
I-I don't miss him.
(SOBS)
Fuck.
My--
It's just, my dad, um...
(INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY)
Okay, well, um...
I still want to, so...
- you can if you want. - (ZIPPER ZIPS)
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, Derrick. Off.
I have to get home.
What happened?
You don't remember?
- (ZIPPER ZIPS) - What?
Whatever, just take me home.
Wait. We didn't...
I-I lost my virginity, and I don't even remember?
You-- You were a virgin?
You couldn't tell?
(QUIRKY UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(QUIRKY UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
(DOOR OPENS)
Macy, everything all right?
(SIGHS)
Everything's sunshine and Santa Claus, Pastor. Why do you ask?
Well, the high school just called.
They wanna know if you'd come in at 1:00 to talk about Les.
Oh, well...
he's having a little trouble adjusting.
You know, the church has a pretty big outreach, so...
You know, you don't have to do all this alone, Macy.
Well... I'm taking a vacation from church.
Well, you're literally working... for a church.
(LAUGHS)
Well... I'm not working very hard.
Look, I just meant that I know how messy it all is.
And, you know, if you needed help,
I'm sure the church could spring for an analyst.
I do not need an analyst.
I face things head on.
That's what I do. You know what?
I hide in the background and keep my mouth shut
and get things done.
If anything, I am too sensible, too safe.
As a matter of fact, I resent this entire conversation.
I keep a tight reign on things.
I am managing just fine. Thank you very much.
I know, I was talking about a financial analyst.
I was talking about the books, Macy.
(SIGHS AND GROANS)
I'll let you finish up.
(MACY) He said what now?
God doesn't exist.
What class was this for?
PE.
PE?
Coach Gifford was saying
that it would take an act of God for Les to pass PE
if he continues the way he is.
And he responded with--
Did the coach ask him what he does believe in?
'Cause I'd like to know.
That is a pretty bold statement.
What-- What do you believe in, if not God?
I don't know, just...
Me, I guess.
(SCOFFS)
You're 14. You're 14 years old.
I-I know.
(MACY STAMMERS)
I second guess myself every 15 minutes!
That's an extraordinary statement
- for a 14-year-old to make... - Mrs. Smart...
Who thinks like that at 14?
I don't think you understand--
His dad had trouble with God too. Les takes after him.
(WHISPERS) And he hates the hell out of me right now.
(SCOFFS)
But God bless you, Les, if you'll excuse the expression,
'cause I know how you feel about Him.
But it's a little like having his dad back.
I don't think you understand, Mrs. Smart.
If he continues this way there's a good chance
that Les will fail PE.
Oh, he's failing PE! Just wrap your head around that.
But, he'll make it up in another way, it'll be fine.
He could be the football team's mascot maybe.
We're-- We're still, um...
Um...
- What are we? - The Beavers.
Beavers! Dress him up like a beaver.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS HARDER)
Whoo!
Mom, are you drunk?
Do not talk to me like that.
(GASPS) No, you don't!
Can you believe he's...
This is not about me. This is just...
(VOICE FADES AND ECHOES)
(WALTER) You probably like lox for breakfast.
But there's no salmon fishing near here.
Now, bass toast...
is an undiscovered meal you're gonna love.
Say... how do you like your school?
They don't get me here.
(MURMURS)
You think I give a shit if people get me?
You are who you are, that's it.
Maybe they'll, uh... they'll get you tomorrow.
Maybe they'll catch up.
The thing of it is, by the time they do...
you won't give a shit either.
Hmm.
How come you stopped seeing each other?
You and Mom.
'Cause we're idiots.
I was so pissed off...
when she left town with your dad.
She was engaged to my best friend,
and I couldn't understand how she turned her back on all of us
for a guy she'd known for, like, a week.
Nobody saw it coming.
Oh...
We fought and just, uh...
measured and doled out the exact amount of love and affection
we thought the other was giving and gave that exact amount back.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Stupid shit.
Hey, you want, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)
You want butter or cream cheese?
On bass?
Yeah.
Butter.
I stayed put here all my life.
Freakin'... Kansas, man.
I don't know, maybe she was smart.
You should make up with your brother.
She's falling down a rabbit hole,
and I don't know how to help.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, For God's sake. You would all make the worst spies ever.
(WALTER LAUGHS)
- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!
Oh, yay!
(SIGHS) Another year older.
Here's to the decay of my body and growing old alone.
Here, this came in the mail a few days ago.
Derrick...
Would you open it up? Your mother is hung.
That's a line from Auntie Mame.
It's just a line from life now. You can forget all that.
It's a Bible.
It's probably from one of the many churches in Jersey.
Let me see it.
Nice Bible.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYS)
I don't understand.
Who's it from?
Buddy.
Let me see the postmark.
Really? You think it's going to say "Kingdom Come?"
Akron, Ohio. Yeah, it was forwarded from our last address.
I... I remember him getting it.
It's engraved.
Leather bound, he spent money on this.
We were in the book store.
It was... kind of random.
But...
the effort he went to...
It made him really happy.
Then...
I mean, on, I-I...
on some level...
for him to give me this, I mean...
Maybe he accepted God a little.
Maybe even just for my sake, right?
Yeah.
(GASPS) Okay.
Okay, wait, wait, wait. (EXHALES)
We're going to church. Now. All of us. Let's go.
What? Really? We're going to church? Now?
(SIGHS) He's not gonna be in purgatory.
I can make it up to him.
I-I was just laying here thinking...
Buddy died never having found faith, but I was wrong.
He had so much faith in us.
What're you all standing there for?
- Move! Go! - All right.
- Church? - Go!
- Church...
Yay. Happy birthday.
(SCREEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
So...
you really think he found God all of a sudden?
Maybe he did.
In what reality?
I don't buy it.
I don't see what's so great about reality.
It just doesn't work for me.
How'd you get it postmarked from Akron?
What?
That was genius.
I didn't.
You didn't?
I didn't.
I got Ernie Saracino to.
There it is.
It got her out of bed, didn't it?
So what?
Now we just spend the rest of our lives
pretending Dad found God?
Who's it hurting?
Ruth Gordon said, "Some days you have to lie."
You pretend you don't know me in school.
You're good with that lie.
Look.
You're gonna move to New York, and you'll fit in there.
And you're gonna be really successful.
I'm-- I'm not.
I need to fit in here, and...
I just can't with you around.
You think I'm going to be successful?
I'm-- I'm not talented like you, Les.
Shit, I'm not even talented for Kansas.
Dad thought what people don't like about you in school,
they're gonna love about you on the page.
I mean, he thought you were gonna be a writer.
And I'm never really gonna get to know him now.
'Cause I'm an idiot.
You're not just an idiot, Derrick.
No one's just one thing.
You're also selfish and unfair.
(SCOFFS) Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
I think we treat each other terribly 'cause we're family.
And we know we can.
(SNIFFLES)
Wanna hear something funny?
I tried out for the football team here.
I didn't make it.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
(GIRL SINGING) ♪ O holy night ♪
♪ The stars Are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear Savior's birth ♪
♪ Long lay the world ♪
♪ In sin and error pining ♪
♪ Till He appeared ♪
♪ And the soul felt its worth ♪
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
♪ Fall ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ O hear ♪
♪ The angel voices ♪
♪ O night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ O night ♪
♪ When Christ was born ♪
♪ O night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ O night ♪
♪ O night divine ♪
(ORGAN CONTINUES)
- Thank you. - Thank you, Macy.
Look, I've been thinking.
I never wanna hear you say you only have five years to make it.
I played that card with your father,
and it made us both miserable.
It's like starting a race with 100 extra pounds on your back.
You're either all in or you're not.
- You hear me? - Yeah.
And don't get so comfortable here.
We're leaving.
Come on, let's go.
- You wanna take a break? - Hmm?
I mean... You let me know if I'm working you too hard, okay?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Seriously, Les, give me a hand.
Oh.
- Well... - (DERRICK SIGHS)
...you still look terrible.
But I don't feel terrible.
Anyway, you oughta see what I'm looking at.
(LAUGHS)
Are we staying in empty houses Dee Baskin's selling again?
(GRUNTS) I negotiated a better deal than that.
Especially after I heard Joe Henley,
who took over for Buddy,
tanked in Milwaukee doing
Death of a Salesman, of all things.
If we get our shot in Milwaukee,
we're gonna do a full season of nothing but Neil Simon.
Money in the bank.
(DERRICK) What if we don't get Milwaukee?
We'll get it.
Anyway, I've got a couple of tricks up my sleeves.
Good things are coming, boys. I can feel it in my bones.
Mm.
Maybe that's arthritis.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Feels weird doing this without Dad.
Well, I guess that makes us weirdos again.
Derrick, step it up. If you make me late for Ed Monroe--
Seriously? I'm literally the only one doing work here.
Talk back and I'll put you center stage
in every dance number this summer.
No, no, way. I'm not doing another musical.
Triple time step under the spotlight.
No, uh, you-- you can't-- You can't make me do it.
I'm a woman drunk with power. I will make you do mime.
(CHUCKLES)
Come on, let's go. Say goodbye to Walter.
- Bye. - See ya.
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - Thank you, Walter.
Anytime.
(WHISPERS) Hey.
(WALTER GRUNTS)
(HONKS HORN)
- (DERRICK) Come on, Mom. - Yeah, I'm coming.
(ENGINE STARTS)
God.
(GRUNTS)
When I was 29, I joined the U.S.O.
I had no particular talent, but I didn't let that get in my way.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You felt it was your patriotic duty?
I was single. I was 29.
I went for the boys.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Keep that swagger, remember to smile and have fun.
Off you go.
Sparkle!
Could you put these at stage-left prop table for me?
Thank you so much.
Places, guys, have a great show.
- Good show, good show. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Uh-- You!
You did good in your one scene.
But you're done, one and done.
You take another step toward that stage,
it'll be your last step, Lester Smart.
Mom, I'm nowhere near the stage.
Mom. Can we have the keys to the car?
(SIGHS) If I can find 'em.
Go, go, go!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC FADES)
(BUDDY) How's the house?
What are you up to, Les?
- Just-- Just watching. - Hmm.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS)
Go.
(SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES)
(INTRO TO "ONE" PLAYING ON PIANO)
(MEN) * One singular sensation Every little step he takes ♪
♪ One thrilling combination Every move that he makes ♪
♪ One smile and suddenly Nobody else will do ♪
♪ You know you'll never be Lonely with you-know-who ♪
♪ One moment in his presence And you can't forget the rest ♪
♪ For the guy is second best To none, son ♪
♪ Ooh! Sigh! ♪
♪ Give him your attention ♪
♪ Do I Really have to mention ♪
♪ He's the one ♪
♪ She walks into a room And you know ♪
(WOMEN) * She's uncommonly rare Very unique ♪
♪ Peripatetic Poetic and chic ♪
(ALL) * She walks into a room And you know ♪
♪ From her maddening poise Effortless whirl ♪
♪ She's a special girl ♪
♪ Strolling ♪
♪ Can't help ♪
♪ All of her qualities Extolling ♪
♪ Loaded with charisma Is ma ♪
♪ Jauntily sauntering Ambling shambler ♪
♪ She walks into a room And you know ♪
♪ You must shuffle along Join the parade ♪
♪ She's the quintessence Of making the grade ♪
♪ This is whatcha call Traveling ♪
♪ Oh strut your stuff! ♪
♪ Can't get enough of her ♪
♪ Love her! ♪
♪ I'm a son of a gun She is one of a kind! ♪
(MEN) * One ♪
(WOMEN) ♪ She walks into a room ♪
- ♪ Singular sensation ♪ - ♪ And you know she's ♪
(WOMEN) * Uncommonly rare Very unique ♪
♪ Peripatetic Poetic and chic ♪
(MEN) * One ♪
(WOMEN) ♪ She walks into a room ♪
- ♪ Thrilling combination ♪ - ♪ And you know from her ♪
(WOMEN) * Maddening poise Effortless whirl ♪
♪ She's a special girl Strolling ♪
(MEN) * One smile and suddenly Nobody else ♪
- ♪ Can't help ♪ - ♪ Will do ♪
(WOMEN) * All of her qualities Extolling ♪
(MEN) * You know You'll never be lonely ♪
- ♪ With you-know-who ♪ - ♪ Loaded with charisma ♪
♪ Is ma jauntily sauntering Ambling shambler ♪
♪ She walks into a room And you know ♪
♪ You must shuffle along Join the parade ♪
♪ She's the quintessence Of making the grade ♪
♪ This is whatcha call Traveling ♪
♪ Oh, strut your stuff! ♪
♪ Can't get enough of her ♪
♪ Love her! ♪
- ♪ I'm a son of a gun ♪ - (MEN) * She's the... ♪
- ♪ She is one of a kind! ♪ - (MEN) * One ♪
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALL) * One! ♪
♪ Singular sensation Every little step she takes ♪
♪ One! Thrilling combination ♪
♪ Every move that she makes ♪
♪ One smile and suddenly Nobody else will do ♪
♪ You know you'll never be Lonely with you-know-who ♪
♪ One! ♪
♪ Moment in her presence And you can't forget the rest ♪
♪ For the girl Is second-best to none ♪
♪ Son ♪
♪ Ooh! Sigh! ♪
♪ Give her your attention ♪
♪ Do I really have to mention ♪
♪ She's the ♪
♪ She's the one! ♪