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IT'S GREAT SEEING YOU AGAIN. THIS IS A BIG NIGHT. THE
FANS
AGAIN. THIS IS A BIG NIGHT. THE FANS WANT YOU, EVERYONE WANTS
YOU,
FANS WANT YOU, EVERYONE WANTS YOU, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR NIGHT.
SORRY,
YOU, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR NIGHT. SORRY, DREW. BRADY?
YEAH,
SORRY, DREW. BRADY? YEAH, COACH?
YOU'RE
YEAH, COACH? YOU'RE IN. LET'S GO.
LET'S
YOU'RE IN. LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
YOU
LET'S GO. YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
AGAIN?
NOW, LIVE FROM THE NETFLIX
IS
NOW, LIVE FROM THE NETFLIX IS A JOKE FESTIVAL. IT'S THE
GREATEST
IS A JOKE FESTIVAL. IT'S THE GREATEST ROAST OF ALL TIME.
LET'S
GREATEST ROAST OF ALL TIME. LET'S BRING IN THE MAN BRAVEST
TO
LET'S BRING IN THE MAN BRAVEST TO STEP INTO THE ARENA WITH THE
GOAT.
TO STEP INTO THE ARENA WITH THE GOAT. GET ON YOUR FEET FOR THE
ONE
GOAT. GET ON YOUR FEET FOR THE ONE AND ONLY KEVIN HART! ♪ [
MUSIC
ONE AND ONLY KEVIN HART! ♪ [ MUSIC ] ♪ [ CHEERING
ONE AND ONLY KEVIN HART! ♪ [ MUSIC ] ♪
YEAH!
YOU
YEAH! YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN
THAT,
YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT, LOS ANGELES. MAKE SOME
NOISE!
THAT, LOS ANGELES. MAKE SOME NOISE! [ CHEERING
THAT, LOS ANGELES. MAKE SOME NOISE!
I
I LOVE
I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THIS. SIT
DOWN.
I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THIS. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
WELCOME.
DOWN. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. WELCOME. WELCOME, GUYS. I WANT
TO
WELCOME. WELCOME, GUYS. I WANT TO SAY GOOD EVENING AND MORE
IMPORTANTLY,
TO SAY GOOD EVENING AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO WELCOME
YOU
IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO WELCOME YOU TO THE GREATEST ROAST OF
ALL
YOU TO THE GREATEST ROAST OF ALL TIME. UNDERSTAND WHAT I
JUST
ALL TIME. UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID. THE GREATEST ROAST
OF
JUST SAID. THE GREATEST ROAST OF ALL TIME. THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S
OF ALL TIME. THERE YOU GO. THAT'S WHAT I WANT. THAT'S
WHAT
THAT'S WHAT I WANT. THAT'S WHAT I WANT. GUYS, WE ARE HERE
TO
WHAT I WANT. GUYS, WE ARE HERE TO ROAST THE GREATEST
QUARTERBACK
TO ROAST THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME. [
CHEERING
QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME. [ CHEERING ] YEAH. WAIT, JOE
MONTANA'S
CHEERING ] YEAH. WAIT, JOE MONTANA'S HERE? IS IT JOE
MONTANA
MONTANA'S HERE? IS IT JOE MONTANA OR IS IT
MONTANA'S HERE? IS IT JOE MONTANA OR IS IT-- OKAY, WELL,
YOU
MONTANA OR IS IT-- OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS, WE'RE
LIVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS, WE'RE LIVE. IF IT'S NOT JOE MONTANA,
THEN
LIVE. IF IT'S NOT JOE MONTANA, THEN IT SHOULD BE WORDED
DIFFERENTLY.
THEN IT SHOULD BE WORDED DIFFERENTLY. IF IT'S TOM
BRADY,
DIFFERENTLY. IF IT'S TOM BRADY, THEN WE SHOULD SAY WE'RE
TALKING
BRADY, THEN WE SHOULD SAY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THE
GREATEST
TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THE GREATEST TO DO IT, NOT THE
GREATEST.
GREATEST TO DO IT, NOT THE GREATEST. THE GREATEST IS JOE
MONTANA.
GREATEST. THE GREATEST IS JOE MONTANA. OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S
MONTANA. OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. CORRECTIONS
ARE
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. CORRECTIONS ARE MADE. GUYS, WE ARE LIVE. WE
ARE
ARE MADE. GUYS, WE ARE LIVE. WE ARE LIVE HERE IN ENGELWOOD AT
THE
ARE LIVE HERE IN ENGELWOOD AT THE KIA FORUM, THE LEGENDARY
KIA
THE KIA FORUM, THE LEGENDARY KIA FORUM. IT'S A LOT OF
HISTORY
KIA FORUM. IT'S A LOT OF HISTORY ATTACHED TO THIS PLACE,
MAN.
HISTORY ATTACHED TO THIS PLACE, MAN. A LOT OF GREATNESS HAS
HAPPENED
MAN. A LOT OF GREATNESS HAS HAPPENED IN THIS BUILDING. THIS
IS
HAPPENED IN THIS BUILDING. THIS IS THE HOME OF THE ORIGINAL
SHOW
IS THE HOME OF THE ORIGINAL SHOW TIME LAKERS, MAN. JERRY
BUS.
SHOW TIME LAKERS, MAN. JERRY BUS. YES. YES. YOU KNOW, A LOT
OF
BUS. YES. YES. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE REAL
REASON
OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE REAL REASON BEHIND THE NAME SHOW
TIME,
REASON BEHIND THE NAME SHOW TIME, RIGHT? IT'S NOT BECAUSE
OF
TIME, RIGHT? IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF LIKE MAGIC AND KARIM AND
THEIR
OF LIKE MAGIC AND KARIM AND THEIR PLAY. THEY CALL THIS
PLACE
THEIR PLAY. THEY CALL THIS PLACE SHOWTIME BECAUSE JERRY
BUS
PLACE SHOWTIME BECAUSE JERRY BUS USED TO SHOW EVERYBODY HIS
DICK
BUS USED TO SHOW EVERYBODY HIS DICK IN THIS BUILDING. THIS IS
WHERE
DICK IN THIS BUILDING. THIS IS WHERE JERRY PULLED HIS DICK
OUT.
WHERE JERRY PULLED HIS DICK OUT. A LOT OF NASTY SHIT HAS
HAPPENED
OUT. A LOT OF NASTY SHIT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS BUILDING. A
LOT
HAPPENED IN THIS BUILDING. A LOT OF FUCKING HAS HAPPENED IN
THE
LOT OF FUCKING HAS HAPPENED IN THE FORUM. THAT'S WHAT THEY
CALLED
THE FORUM. THAT'S WHAT THEY CALLED IT. THE FUCKING FORUM IS
WHAT
CALLED IT. THE FUCKING FORUM IS WHAT THEY CALLED IT. I WISH I
HAD
WHAT THEY CALLED IT. I WISH I HAD A BLACKLIGHT RIGHT NOW, SO
YOU
HAD A BLACKLIGHT RIGHT NOW, SO YOU CAN SEE ALL THE CUM STAINS
SITTING
YOU CAN SEE ALL THE CUM STAINS SITTING ON THESE NASTY ASS
SEATS.
SITTING ON THESE NASTY ASS SEATS. IT'S A NASTY PLACE. [
LAUGHTER
SEATS. IT'S A NASTY PLACE. [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT. YOU
BETTER
LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT. YOU BETTER GET COMFORTABLE BEING
UNCOMFORTABLE,
BETTER GET COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE, BABY. NOW RIGHT
NOW
UNCOMFORTABLE, BABY. NOW RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY
ASKING
NOW YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELF. YOU'RE SAYING
WHY
ASKING YOURSELF. YOU'RE SAYING WHY DIDN'T WE GO TO THE
CRYPTO.COM
WHY DIDN'T WE GO TO THE CRYPTO.COM ARENA DOWNTOWN?
WELL,
CRYPTO.COM ARENA DOWNTOWN? WELL, THE REASON WE DIDN'T GO
THERE
WELL, THE REASON WE DIDN'T GO THERE IS WE DIDN'T WANT TO
REMIND
THERE IS WE DIDN'T WANT TO REMIND TOM'S FANS HOW MUCH
MONEY
REMIND TOM'S FANS HOW MUCH MONEY HE OWES THEM. HE FUCKED
THOSE
MONEY HE OWES THEM. HE FUCKED THOSE PEOPLE. TOM FUCKED THOSE
PEOPLE.
THOSE PEOPLE. TOM FUCKED THOSE PEOPLE. YES, HE DID. HE FUCKED
THEM
PEOPLE. YES, HE DID. HE FUCKED THEM GOOD, DIDN'T HE? WOW. TO
PEOPLE. YES, HE DID. HE FUCKED THEM GOOD, DIDN'T HE? WOW. TOM
BROUGHT
THEM GOOD, DIDN'T HE? WOW. TOM BROUGHT BOSTON WITH HIM
TONIGHT.
BROUGHT BOSTON WITH HIM TONIGHT. HOLY SHIT. LOOK AT
THIS.
TONIGHT. HOLY SHIT. LOOK AT THIS. GODDAM. I'VE NEVER SEEN
ENGELWOOD
THIS. GODDAM. I'VE NEVER SEEN ENGELWOOD SO WHITE. JESUS
CHRIST.
ENGELWOOD SO WHITE. JESUS CHRIST. [ LAUGHTER
ENGELWOOD SO WHITE. JESUS CHRIST. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S SO
FUCKING
CHRIST. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S SO FUCKING WHITE OUT THERE. JESUS
CHRIST.
FUCKING WHITE OUT THERE. JESUS CHRIST. IT USED TO BE HOME OF
THE
CHRIST. IT USED TO BE HOME OF THE LAKERS. NOW IT'S HOME OF
THE
THE LAKERS. NOW IT'S HOME OF THE QUAKERS. WHAT THE FUCK IS
GOING
THE QUAKERS. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? THIS IS SO BAD. TOM
IS
GOING ON? THIS IS SO BAD. TOM IS GOING TO HAVE TO KICK THOSE
RACIST
IS GOING TO HAVE TO KICK THOSE RACIST JOKES TONIGHT. HE'S
GOING
RACIST JOKES TONIGHT. HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO KICK THEM.
IT'S
GOING TO HAVE TO KICK THEM. IT'S GOING TO BE HARD. I SAW
THE
IT'S GOING TO BE HARD. I SAW THE WHITE WATER FOUNTAIN IN TH
IT'S GOING TO BE HARD. I SAW THE WHITE WATER FOUNTAIN IN THE
BACK.
THE WHITE WATER FOUNTAIN IN THE BACK. I DID. I DID. I DID. FUCK
YOU,
BACK. I DID. I DID. I DID. FUCK YOU, TOM. [ LAUGHTER
BACK. I DID. I DID. I DID. FUCK YOU, TOM. [ LAUGHTER ] ALL
RIGHT,
YOU, TOM. [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP
RANDOMLY
RIGHT, I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP RANDOMLY SAYING FUCK YOU, TOM.
THE
RANDOMLY SAYING FUCK YOU, TOM. THE GOOD THING ABOUT THE
BATHROOM,
THE GOOD THING ABOUT THE BATHROOM, THE WHOLE SITUATION
WILL
BATHROOM, THE WHOLE SITUATION WILL BE FINE. IT WILL BE
SETTLED.
WILL BE FINE. IT WILL BE SETTLED. BUT GUYS, THERE'S
GOOD
SETTLED. BUT GUYS, THERE'S GOOD PARTS TO THE SHOW TONIGHT.
I'LL
GOOD PARTS TO THE SHOW TONIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE GOOD
PARTS
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE GOOD PARTS ARE. THE GOOD PARTS ARE
ATTACHED
PARTS ARE. THE GOOD PARTS ARE ATTACHED TO TOM BRADY. NOW
BEFORE
ATTACHED TO TOM BRADY. NOW BEFORE I CUT HIS LEGS OUT.
BEFORE
BEFORE I CUT HIS LEGS OUT. BEFORE I TAKE WHAT HE HAS
UNDERNEATH
BEFORE I TAKE WHAT HE HAS UNDERNEATH HIM, I ACTUALLY WANT
TO
UNDERNEATH HIM, I ACTUALLY WANT TO GIVE HIM SOME GROUND TO
STAND
TO GIVE HIM SOME GROUND TO STAND ON, OKAY? I ACTUALLY WANT
TO
STAND ON, OKAY? I ACTUALLY WANT TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT TOM
BRADY
TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT TOM BRADY TRULY IS THE GOAT. LET'S
TALK
BRADY TRULY IS THE GOAT. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS MAN'S SUCCESS.
LET'S
TALK ABOUT THIS MAN'S SUCCESS. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. LET'S
TALK
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. 23 SEASONS,
SEVEN
TALK ABOUT IT. 23 SEASONS, SEVEN SUPER BOWL WINS, SEVEN!
YES.
SEVEN SUPER BOWL WINS, SEVEN! YES. A THREE-TIME NFL MVP.
GODDAM.
YES. A THREE-TIME NFL MVP. GODDAM. GUYS, HEARING ME SAY IT
IS
GODDAM. GUYS, HEARING ME SAY IT IS ONE THING, BUT YOU'RE
ACTUALLY
IS ONE THING, BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SEEING IT FOR YOURSELF
IS
ACTUALLY SEEING IT FOR YOURSELF IS ANOTHER. TAKE A LOOK.
AND
AND WE'RE
AND WE'RE ABOUT SET TO GO,
110,000
AND WE'RE ABOUT SET TO GO, 110,000 SETTLING IN HERE AT
HISTORIC
110,000 SETTLING IN HERE AT HISTORIC MICHIGAN STADIUM. TAKE
A
HISTORIC MICHIGAN STADIUM. TAKE A LOOK AT TOM BRADY FROM
MICHIGAN.
A LOOK AT TOM BRADY FROM MICHIGAN. THE MOST UNDERRATED
COLLEGE
MICHIGAN. THE MOST UNDERRATED COLLEGE QUARTERBACK IN THE
COUNTRY.
COLLEGE QUARTERBACK IN THE COUNTRY. THE CROWD IS ON ITS
FEET.
COUNTRY. THE CROWD IS ON ITS FEET. BRADY TAKES THE SNAP,
DRAWS
FEET. BRADY TAKES THE SNAP, DRAWS BACK TO THROW, FIRES.
TOUCHDOWN,
DRAWS BACK TO THROW, FIRES. TOUCHDOWN, PATRIOTS. WHAT A
THROW
TOUCHDOWN, PATRIOTS. WHAT A THROW FROM TOM BRADY. LET'S GO!
THE
THE POOREST WAY TO FACE LIFE
IS
THE POOREST WAY TO FACE LIFE IS TO FACE IT WITH A SNEER.
MANY
MANY MEN
MANY MEN FEEL A KIND OF TWISTED
PRIDE
MANY MEN FEEL A KIND OF TWISTED PRIDE AND CYNICISM. IT'S NOT
THE
PRIDE AND CYNICISM. IT'S NOT THE CRITIC THAT COUNTS. IT'S
NOT
THE CRITIC THAT COUNTS. IT'S NOT THE MAN WHO POINTS OUT, BUT
HOW
NOT THE MAN WHO POINTS OUT, BUT HOW THE STRONG MAN STUMBLES.
THE
HOW THE STRONG MAN STUMBLES. THE CREDIT BELONGS TO THE MAN
WHO
THE CREDIT BELONGS TO THE MAN WHO IS ACTUALLY IN THE ARENA.
WHO
WHO IS ACTUALLY IN THE ARENA. WHO STRIVES. WHOSE FACE IS BY
SWEAT,
WHO STRIVES. WHOSE FACE IS BY SWEAT, DUST, AND BLOOD. AGAIN
AND
SWEAT, DUST, AND BLOOD. AGAIN AND AGAIN.
OH
AND AGAIN. OH MY GOODNESS.
TOM
OH MY GOODNESS. TOM BRADY TOOK A TREMENDOUS
HIT.
BUT
HIT. BUT IF HE FAILS, AT LEAST HE
FAILS.
THE
FAILS. THE THING WE KNOW ABOUT
BRADY
THE THING WE KNOW ABOUT BRADY IS THAT A COMEBACK IS
ALWAYS
BRADY IS THAT A COMEBACK IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE.
SO
ALWAYS POSSIBLE. SO THAT HIS PLACE SHALL
NEVER
SO THAT HIS PLACE SHALL NEVER BE, THOSE COLD AND TIMID
SOULS,
NEVER BE, THOSE COLD AND TIMID SOULS, NEITHER KNOW VICTORY NOR
DEFEAT.
♪[
♪[ MUSIC
♪[ MUSIC ] ♪
LADIES
♪[ MUSIC ] ♪ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
GET
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GET ON YOUR GODDAM FEET, AND
RIGHT
GET ON YOUR GODDAM FEET, AND RIGHT NOW HELP ME WELCOME THE
FUCKING
RIGHT NOW HELP ME WELCOME THE FUCKING GOAT. THE BEST
QUARTERBACK
FUCKING GOAT. THE BEST QUARTERBACK EVER TO DO IT, TOM
BRADY!
QUARTERBACK EVER TO DO IT, TOM BRADY! [ CHEERING
QUARTERBACK EVER TO DO IT, TOM BRADY!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK
YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, GUYS. THANK
YOU.
YOU. THANK YOU, GUYS. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK
THANK YOU.
THANK
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU
GUYS
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU GUYS READY? [ CHEERING
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU GUYS READY?
BECAUSE
GUYS READY? BECAUSE I AM. IT'S GAME TIME.
LET'S
BECAUSE I AM. IT'S GAME TIME. LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. TOM,
GET
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. TOM, GET ALL YOUR GUYS SETTLED DOWN.
THAT'S
GET ALL YOUR GUYS SETTLED DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S GO TIME.
WHAT
THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S GO TIME. WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT, TOM.
CRAZY.
IT'S
CRAZY. IT'S FINALLY HERE, MAN.
IT'S
IT'S FINALLY HERE, MAN. IT'S FINALLY HERE. YOU KNOW,
TOM,
IT'S FINALLY HERE. YOU KNOW, TOM, THIS IS CRAZY BECAUSE FOR
MORE
TOM, THIS IS CRAZY BECAUSE FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS, TIME HAS
RULED
MORE THAN 20 YEARS, TIME HAS RULED SUNDAY FOR FOOTBALL FANS
ALL
RULED SUNDAY FOR FOOTBALL FANS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. ALL OVER
THE
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. BUT TONIGHT,
TONIGHT
THE COUNTRY. BUT TONIGHT, TONIGHT OR TONIGHT WE'RE GOING
TO
TONIGHT OR TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO RUIN YOURS, TOM. I'M GOING
TO
TO RUIN YOURS, TOM. I'M GOING TO RUIN YOUR FUCKING SUNDAY. WE
ARE
TO RUIN YOUR FUCKING SUNDAY. WE ARE HERE, WE ARE HERE TO HONOR
THIS
ARE HERE, WE ARE HERE TO HONOR THIS MAN TONIGHT. MAN, THERE'S
A
THIS MAN TONIGHT. MAN, THERE'S A ROOM FULL OF FRIENDS AND
FAMILY.
A ROOM FULL OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY. I'M LOOKING AROUND.
IT'S
FAMILY. I'M LOOKING AROUND. IT'S INSANE. I WANT TO LET YO
FAMILY. I'M LOOKING AROUND. IT'S INSANE. I WANT TO LET YOU
KNOW,
IT'S INSANE. I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW, TOM, OFF THE BACK BECAUSE
THAT'S
KNOW, TOM, OFF THE BACK BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE. I'M
NOT
THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE. I'M NOT HERE FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I'M
HERE
NOT HERE FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I'M HERE FOR THE MONEY. THEY PAID
ME
HERE FOR THE MONEY. THEY PAID ME WELL, RIGHT? LET'S JUST GET
THAT
ME WELL, RIGHT? LET'S JUST GET THAT OUT. THEY PAID ME VERY,
VERY
THAT OUT. THEY PAID ME VERY, VERY WELL, TOM. I'M ALSO HERE
TO
VERY WELL, TOM. I'M ALSO HERE TO DO A LITTLE PROMO HITS HERE
AND
TO DO A LITTLE PROMO HITS HERE AND THERE. I'M ON TOUR. IT'S
CALLED
AND THERE. I'M ON TOUR. IT'S CALLED ACTING MY AGE. GO TO
KEVINHARTNATION.COM.
CALLED ACTING MY AGE. GO TO KEVINHARTNATION.COM. IT'S A
LIVE
KEVINHARTNATION.COM. IT'S A LIVE AUDIENCE. WHY WOULD I NOT
TAKE
LIVE AUDIENCE. WHY WOULD I NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS MOMENT,
TOM?
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS MOMENT, TOM? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. FUCK
YOU.
TOM? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. FUCK YOU. IT'S THE SECOND OF KEVIN.
NOW
YOU. IT'S THE SECOND OF KEVIN. NOW I THINK WE DO HAVE TO
TRACK,
NOW I THINK WE DO HAVE TO TRACK, TOM, WHERE YOU ARE IN
YOUR
TRACK, TOM, WHERE YOU ARE IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, MAN. I
WANT
YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, MAN. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU, TOM,
BECAUSE
WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU, TOM, BECAUSE A PEACEFUL LIFE IS WHAT
YOU'RE
BECAUSE A PEACEFUL LIFE IS WHAT YOU'RE NOW LIVING AND THAT'S
A
YOU'RE NOW LIVING AND THAT'S A BIG DEAL. A BIG DEAL. IT'S
BEEN
A BIG DEAL. A BIG DEAL. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS, TWO YEARS SINCE
TOM'S
BEEN TWO YEARS, TWO YEARS SINCE TOM'S GOTTEN DIVORCED, RIGHT?
TWO
TOM'S GOTTEN DIVORCED, RIGHT? TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS. AND SINCE
THEN,
TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS. AND SINCE THEN, SINCE THEN, TOM HAS BEEN
FUCKING.
THEN, SINCE THEN, TOM HAS BEEN FUCKING. HE'S BEEN FUCKING,
YEAH.
FUCKING. HE'S BEEN FUCKING, YEAH. YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
TOM'S
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. TOM'S BEEN PUTTING THAT
TWO-INCH
TOM'S BEEN PUTTING THAT TWO-INCH TWO TO WORK. YEP, YEP.
YES,
TWO-INCH TWO TO WORK. YEP, YEP. YES, HE HAS. TOM'S BEEN
FUCKING
YES, HE HAS. TOM'S BEEN FUCKING SO MUCH THAT HIS DICK
HAS
FUCKING SO MUCH THAT HIS DICK HAS CTE. YEAH. YEAH. MOST
PEOPLE
HAS CTE. YEAH. YEAH. MOST PEOPLE GET STDs, TOM GETS CTEs,
YEAH,
PEOPLE GET STDs, TOM GETS CTEs, YEAH, IT'S THE DIFFERENCE.
GOOD
YEAH, IT'S THE DIFFERENCE. GOOD FOR YOU THOUGH, TOM. BY
THE
GOOD FOR YOU THOUGH, TOM. BY THE WAY, SINGLE LIFE IS WHAT
YOU
THE WAY, SINGLE LIFE IS WHAT YOU DESERVE BECAUSE YOU HAD NO
CHOICE.
YOU DESERVE BECAUSE YOU HAD NO CHOICE. GISELE GAVE YOU AN
ULTIMATUM.
CHOICE. GISELE GAVE YOU AN ULTIMATUM. GISELE SAID YOU
RETIRE
ULTIMATUM. GISELE SAID YOU RETIRE OR WE'RE DONE. THAT'S
WHAT
RETIRE OR WE'RE DONE. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU, TOM. YOU
RETIRE
WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU, TOM. YOU RETIRE OR WE'RE DONE. LET ME
TELL
RETIRE OR WE'RE DONE. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHEN YOU'VE
GOT
TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHEN YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE TO GO 8 IN 9, AND
ALL
GOT A CHANCE TO GO 8 IN 9, AND ALL IT WILL COST YOU IS YOUR
WIFE
ALL IT WILL COST YOU IS YOUR WIFE AND KIDS, YOU'VE GOT TO DO
WHAT
WIFE AND KIDS, YOU'VE GOT TO DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU'VE GOT TO
DO.
WHAT THE FUCK YOU'VE GOT TO DO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YEAH.
YOU'VE
DO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YEAH. YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT. YOU'VE
GOT
YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT. YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT. YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT'S
GOT TO DO IT. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED, TOM? YOU KNOW
WHAT
THAT'S CALLED, TOM? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED? THAT'S
CALLED
WHAT THAT'S CALLED? THAT'S CALLED REAL NIGGA SHIT. THAT'S
WHAT
CALLED REAL NIGGA SHIT. THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED, TOM. YES,
TOM.
WHAT IT'S CALLED, TOM. YES, TOM. FUCK THEM KIDS. SHIT. [
LAUGHTER
TOM. FUCK THEM KIDS. SHIT. [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH. YOU ASKED ME
TO
LAUGHTER ] YEAH. YOU ASKED ME TO COME HERE, BITCH. I TOLD YOU
WHAT
TO COME HERE, BITCH. I TOLD YOU WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO. THIS IS
ALSO
WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO. THIS IS ALSO A GOOD TIME TO SAY MAN, I
LOVE
ALSO A GOOD TIME TO SAY MAN, I LOVE THE FACT YOU AND GISELE
ARE
LOVE THE FACT YOU AND GISELE ARE FINDING A WAY TO CO-PARENT
AND
ARE FINDING A WAY TO CO-PARENT AND STILL KEEP IT TOGETHER,
MAN.
AND STILL KEEP IT TOGETHER, MAN. GISELE IS HERE SUPPORTING
YOU
MAN. GISELE IS HERE SUPPORTING YOU TONIGHT. BUT JUST FOR FULL
TRANSPARENCY,
YOU TONIGHT. BUT JUST FOR FULL TRANSPARENCY, SHE CAME AS
ANTONIO
TRANSPARENCY, SHE CAME AS ANTONIO BROWN'S PLUS ONE. HOW
IS
ANTONIO BROWN'S PLUS ONE. HOW IS THAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT
DID
IS THAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY? WHAT DID I SAY? I'M
JUST
DID I SAY? WHAT DID I SAY? I'M JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BEFORE
JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. BEFORE YOU CAN GET COMFORTABLE,
YOU'VE
BEFORE YOU CAN GET COMFORTABLE, YOU'VE GOT TO GET
UNCOMFORTABLE.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET UNCOMFORTABLE. I'M REMOVING
THE
UNCOMFORTABLE. I'M REMOVING THE DISCOMFORT FROM THIS ROOM.
SPEAKING
THE DISCOMFORT FROM THIS ROOM. SPEAKING OF DISCOMFORT, LET'S
TALK
SPEAKING OF DISCOMFORT, LET'S TALK ABOUT BILL BELICHICK FOR A
SECOND.
TALK ABOUT BILL BELICHICK FOR A SECOND. TOM, JUST A GOOD
SEGWAY,
SECOND. TOM, JUST A GOOD SEGWAY, MAN. YOU KNOW, THE
WORLD
SEGWAY, MAN. YOU KNOW, THE WORLD KNOWS YOU LEFT BILL
BELICHICK
WORLD KNOWS YOU LEFT BILL BELICHICK HIGH AND DRY, MAN.
YOU
BELICHICK HIGH AND DRY, MAN. YOU LEFT HIM, AND THEN YOU WENT
TO
YOU LEFT HIM, AND THEN YOU WENT TO TAMPA AND YOU WON A
CHAMPIONSHIP.
TO TAMPA AND YOU WON A CHAMPIONSHIP. HOLY SHIT. HOLY
SHIT.
CHAMPIONSHIP. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. YOU LEFT BILL BELICHICK
WITH
SHIT. YOU LEFT BILL BELICHICK WITH MAC JONES. GOD DAMN. OH,
YOU
WITH MAC JONES. GOD DAMN. OH, YOU FUCKED HIM. YOU FUCKED HIM
GOOD.
YOU FUCKED HIM. YOU FUCKED HIM GOOD. YOU DID. YOU DID, TOM.
YOU
GOOD. YOU DID. YOU DID, TOM. YOU FUCKED YOUR COACH. BUT LET
ME
YOU FUCKED YOUR COACH. BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PEOPLE.
LET
ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PEOPLE. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THAT'S
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO
TO
THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO TO MAINTAIN YOUR HAPPINESS. DO
YOU
TO MAINTAIN YOUR HAPPINESS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU SOMETIMES
GOT
YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU SOMETIMES GOT TO FUCK YOUR COACH. YOU
KNOW
GOT TO FUCK YOUR COACH. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE FUCKED THAT
COACH?
KNOW WHO ELSE FUCKED THAT COACH? GISELE. SHE FUCKED THAT
KARATE
COACH? GISELE. SHE FUCKED THAT KARATE MAN. NOPE, NOPE. LISTEN.
WHAT?
KARATE MAN. NOPE, NOPE. LISTEN. WHAT? WHAT? [ LAUGHTER
KARATE MAN. NOPE, NOPE. LISTEN. WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT
WHAT AN
WHAT AN IDIOT. WHY WOULD YOU DO
THIS?
WHAT AN IDIOT. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WHAT AN IDIOT. ALL RIGHT.
I
THIS? WHAT AN IDIOT. ALL RIGHT. I MEAN JESUS CHRIST, TOM. ONE
OF
I MEAN JESUS CHRIST, TOM. ONE OF THE SMARTEST QUARTERBACKS
EVER
OF THE SMARTEST QUARTERBACKS EVER PLAYED A GAME. HOW DID YO
OF THE SMARTEST QUARTERBACKS EVER PLAYED A GAME. HOW DID YOU
NOT
EVER PLAYED A GAME. HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING? EIGHT
FUCKING
NOT SEE THIS COMING? EIGHT FUCKING KARATE CLASSES A DAY.
EIGHT
FUCKING KARATE CLASSES A DAY. EIGHT KARATE CLASSES A DAY.
EIGHT
EIGHT KARATE CLASSES A DAY, AND
SHE
EIGHT KARATE CLASSES A DAY, AND SHE IS STILL
EIGHT KARATE CLASSES A DAY, AND SHE IS STILL-- FUCK, TOM. THE
ONLY
SHE IS STILL-- FUCK, TOM. THE ONLY BRUISES SHE HAS WEREN'T ON
HER
ONLY BRUISES SHE HAS WEREN'T ON HER ASS. EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE
KNOWN
HER ASS. EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT. ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT TO
GET
KNOWN IT. ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT TO GET UNCOMFORTABLE. OH MY GOD,
THE
GET UNCOMFORTABLE. OH MY GOD, THE SCARIEST PART ABOUT THIS,
GUYS,
THE SCARIEST PART ABOUT THIS, GUYS, IF WE HAVE ANY PROBLEMS,
I'M
GUYS, IF WE HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, I'M WORRIED FOR YOU. JESUS
CHRIST,
I'M WORRIED FOR YOU. JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN'T LOSE ANY
FIGHT
CHRIST, YOU CAN'T LOSE ANY FIGHT TO THE BONUS DAD. KIDS
ARE
FIGHT TO THE BONUS DAD. KIDS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE
THEIR
ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO THE GUY KNOWS
KARATE.
THEIR NAME TO THE GUY KNOWS KARATE. I CAN'T HELP THIS GUY.
EVERYBODY
KARATE. I CAN'T HELP THIS GUY. EVERYBODY IS ASKING THE SAME
QUESTION
EVERYBODY IS ASKING THE SAME QUESTION RIGHT NOW AND THAT
QUESTION
QUESTION RIGHT NOW AND THAT QUESTION IS WHO THE FUCK ARE
THESE
QUESTION IS WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE BEHIND ME? UM,
HERE
THESE PEOPLE BEHIND ME? UM, HERE IS A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU
THE
HERE IS A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. WE'RE LIVE. WE TOLD
YOU
THE TRUTH. WE'RE LIVE. WE TOLD YOU GUYS THERE WOULD BE A LOT
OF
YOU GUYS THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF SUPER STARS HERE TONIGHT,
BUT
OF SUPER STARS HERE TONIGHT, BUT THERE AREN'T. IT'S JUST
ME.
BUT THERE AREN'T. IT'S JUST ME. OUTSIDE OF ME, YOU'VE GOT
ME,
ME. OUTSIDE OF ME, YOU'VE GOT ME, YOU'VE GOT A BUNCH OF OUT
OF
ME, YOU'VE GOT A BUNCH OF OUT OF SHAPE ATHLETES, SOME
HORRIBLE
OF SHAPE ATHLETES, SOME HORRIBLE PODCASTERS. AND ONE
WHORE.
HORRIBLE PODCASTERS. AND ONE WHORE. THERE IS ONE WHORE HERE.
ALL
WHORE. THERE IS ONE WHORE HERE. ALL RIGHT? WHAT? WHAT? NOW THIS
GAS
ALL RIGHT? WHAT? WHAT? NOW THIS GAS IS GOING TO BE FILLED WITH
ENERGY
GAS IS GOING TO BE FILLED WITH ENERGY AND GREAT JOKES. I WANT
YOU
ENERGY AND GREAT JOKES. I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M QUARTERBACKING
THIS
YOU TO KNOW I'M QUARTERBACKING THIS BITCH TONIGHT. WITH THAT
BEING
THIS BITCH TONIGHT. WITH THAT BEING SAID, THAT MEANS I'VE
GOT
BEING SAID, THAT MEANS I'VE GOT A LOT OF GUNS WITH A LOT OF
AMMO.
GOT A LOT OF GUNS WITH A LOT OF AMMO. IT'S HOW THE ROASTS
WORK.
AMMO. IT'S HOW THE ROASTS WORK. THEY COME UP HERE AND
TALK
WORK. THEY COME UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT TOM, AND THEY WILL
TAKE
TALK ABOUT TOM, AND THEY WILL TAKE SHOTS AT ME. I WANT TO LET
YOU
TAKE SHOTS AT ME. I WANT TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW, I'VE GOT TWO
FULL
YOU GUYS KNOW, I'VE GOT TWO FULL FUCKING CLIPS. NOW YOU
FUCK
FULL FUCKING CLIPS. NOW YOU FUCK WITH ME IF YOU WANT, I'M
GOING
FUCK WITH ME IF YOU WANT, I'M GOING TO SHOOT THESE GUNS. I
HAVE
GOING TO SHOOT THESE GUNS. I HAVE NO PROBLEM SHOOTING THESE
GUNS.
HAVE NO PROBLEM SHOOTING THESE GUNS. YOU THINK I'M
BULLSHITTING?
GUNS. YOU THINK I'M BULLSHITTING? TOM, THEY THINK
I'M
BULLSHITTING? TOM, THEY THINK I'M BULLSHITTING. YOU WANT TO
TEST
I'M BULLSHITTING. YOU WANT TO TEST SHOT AND SEE HOW FAST
THESE
TEST SHOT AND SEE HOW FAST THESE GUNS WORK? HERE'S A
LITTLE
THESE GUNS WORK? HERE'S A LITTLE TEST SHOT. A LITTLE TEST
SHOT.
LITTLE TEST SHOT. A LITTLE TEST SHOT. OH. CHELSEA, CHELSEA
HANDLER
SHOT. OH. CHELSEA, CHELSEA HANDLER IS HERE. OKAY. HEY,
CHELSEA.
HANDLER IS HERE. OKAY. HEY, CHELSEA. CHELSEA, HEY, CHELSEA.
OH,
CHELSEA. CHELSEA, HEY, CHELSEA. OH, MAN. NOTHING BETTER THAN
SEEING
OH, MAN. NOTHING BETTER THAN SEEING MY SISTER. LOVE HER TO
DEATH.
SEEING MY SISTER. LOVE HER TO DEATH. YOU KNOW, CHELSEA, WE
HAD
DEATH. YOU KNOW, CHELSEA, WE HAD YOU SITTING NEXT TO A BLACK
GUY,
HAD YOU SITTING NEXT TO A BLACK GUY, BUT WE CHANGED IT ONLY
BECAUSE
GUY, BUT WE CHANGED IT ONLY BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
AND
BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND ULTIMATELY THE BLACK DICK
MATTERS.
AND ULTIMATELY THE BLACK DICK MATTERS. YOU'LL FUCK A BLACK
DICK
MATTERS. YOU'LL FUCK A BLACK DICK FAST, CHELSEA. SPEAKING OF
BLACK
DICK FAST, CHELSEA. SPEAKING OF BLACK DICK, KIM IS HERE
TONIGHT.
BLACK DICK, KIM IS HERE TONIGHT. HEY, KIM. THESE ARE
JUST
TONIGHT. HEY, KIM. THESE ARE JUST TWO GUNS. THESE ARE TWO
GUNS.
JUST TWO GUNS. THESE ARE TWO GUNS. KIM, I PUT IT DOWN, BOP,
BOP,
GUNS. KIM, I PUT IT DOWN, BOP, BOP, NO TROUBLES. NO FUCKING
TROUBLES.
BOP, NO TROUBLES. NO FUCKING TROUBLES. LEAVE ME ALONE AND
I'LL
TROUBLES. LEAVE ME ALONE AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. CHELSEA,
KIM,
I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. CHELSEA, KIM, YOU'RE INNOCENT
BYSTANDERS.
KIM, YOU'RE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS. YOU HAD NOTHING TO
DO
BYSTANDERS. YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AND YOU DIDN'T
DESERVE
DO WITH IT AND YOU DIDN'T DESERVE IT AND I APOLOGIZE.
WITH
DESERVE IT AND I APOLOGIZE. WITH THAT BEING SAID, GUYS, TO
START
WITH THAT BEING SAID, GUYS, TO START A ROAST, YOU HAVE TO
START
START A ROAST, YOU HAVE TO START IT OFF WITH A BANG. AND
TO
START IT OFF WITH A BANG. AND TO DO THAT, YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IT
TO DO THAT, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT WITH A ROASTMASTER. A GOAT
WITHOUT
IT WITH A ROASTMASTER. A GOAT WITHOUT A BUTCHER IS NOT A
GOAT.
WITHOUT A BUTCHER IS NOT A GOAT. PLEASE WELCOME STRAIGHT
FROM
GOAT. PLEASE WELCOME STRAIGHT FROM HELL, THE REAL KILLER,
AMERICA'S
FROM HELL, THE REAL KILLER, AMERICA'S ROASTMASTER, JEFF
ROSS.
AMERICA'S ROASTMASTER, JEFF ROSS. [ CHEERING
AMERICA'S ROASTMASTER, JEFF ROSS.
FANS,
FANS, MAKE SOME NOISE! [
CHEERING
FANS, MAKE SOME NOISE!
THE
THE JUICE
THE JUICE IS LOOSE TONIGHT! IF
THE
THE JUICE IS LOOSE TONIGHT! IF THE GLOVES DON'T FIT, YOU MUST
TALK
THE GLOVES DON'T FIT, YOU MUST TALK SHIT. [ LAUGHTER
THE GLOVES DON'T FIT, YOU MUST TALK SHIT. [ LAUGHTER ] WHAT'S
UP,
TALK SHIT. [ LAUGHTER ] WHAT'S UP, PATRIOTS? I JUST CAME FROM
HELL.
UP, PATRIOTS? I JUST CAME FROM HELL. AARON HERNANDEZ SAYS
HELLO.
HELL. AARON HERNANDEZ SAYS HELLO. YEAH, MOTHER FUCKERS,
IT'S
HELLO. YEAH, MOTHER FUCKERS, IT'S A ROAST. I KNOW HOW TO
DRESS
IT'S A ROAST. I KNOW HOW TO DRESS LIKE O.J. BECAUSE I'M
ABOUT
DRESS LIKE O.J. BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO KILL THIS WHITE BITCH
RIGHT
ABOUT TO KILL THIS WHITE BITCH RIGHT HERE.
[
[ CHEERING
LET'S
LET'S GO,
LET'S GO, JOE.
NOW
LET'S GO, JOE. NOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE LORD
OF
NOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE LORD OF THE SUPER BOWL RINGS, MY
FRIEND,
OF THE SUPER BOWL RINGS, MY FRIEND, TOM BRADY. YEAH!
A
A MAN
A MAN WHO
A MAN WHO HAS SO MANY RINGS, HE
COULD
A MAN WHO HAS SO MANY RINGS, HE COULD MELT THEM DOWN AND FORGE
A
COULD MELT THEM DOWN AND FORGE A SWORD TO GO ON A QUEST TO GE
COULD MELT THEM DOWN AND FORGE A SWORD TO GO ON A QUEST TO GET
GISELE
A SWORD TO GO ON A QUEST TO GET GISELE BACK FROM THAT JIU-JITSU
TEACHER.
GISELE BACK FROM THAT JIU-JITSU TEACHER. YOU'RE A LEGEND, TOM.
YOU
TEACHER. YOU'RE A LEGEND, TOM. YOU REALLY ARE. YOU REALLY PUT
THE
YOU REALLY ARE. YOU REALLY PUT THE JIZZ IN GISELE. LET'S
FUCKING
THE JIZZ IN GISELE. LET'S FUCKING GO! LIVE ON NETFLIX!
ALSO
ALSO LIVE
ALSO LIVE ON NETFLIX THIS
SUMMER
ALSO LIVE ON NETFLIX THIS SUMMER FROM DALLAS, MIKE TYSON
IS
SUMMER FROM DALLAS, MIKE TYSON IS BOXING A KID HALF HIS AGE.
MY
IS BOXING A KID HALF HIS AGE. MY PREDICTION, IRON MIKE IS
GOING
MY PREDICTION, IRON MIKE IS GOING TO KILL THAT BABY. IT
WILL
GOING TO KILL THAT BABY. IT WILL BE THE ONLY LEGAL ABORTION
IN
WILL BE THE ONLY LEGAL ABORTION IN TEXAS. NO FEAR, THIS IS WHAT
WE
IN TEXAS. NO FEAR, THIS IS WHAT WE DO. LOOK AT YOU, TOM BRADY.
YOU'RE
WE DO. LOOK AT YOU, TOM BRADY. YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. I JUST
WANT
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. I JUST WANT TO FUCK THAT DIMPLE IN
YOUR
WANT TO FUCK THAT DIMPLE IN YOUR CHIN. OH. BEAUTIFUL. LOOK
AT
YOUR CHIN. OH. BEAUTIFUL. LOOK AT YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE A VAMPIRE
THAT
AT YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE A VAMPIRE THAT ONLY DRINKS ALMOND BLOOD.
TOM
THAT ONLY DRINKS ALMOND BLOOD. TOM LOOKS LIKE HE BLEACHES HIS
ASSHOLE
TOM LOOKS LIKE HE BLEACHES HIS ASSHOLE JUST IN CASE. [
LAUGHTER
ASSHOLE JUST IN CASE. [ LAUGHTER ] LAUGH IT UP, PEOPLE.
THE
LAUGHTER ] LAUGH IT UP, PEOPLE. THE WORLD NEEDS THIS. THERE
HASN'T
THE WORLD NEEDS THIS. THERE HASN'T BEEN A ROAST IN YEARS
BECAUSE
HASN'T BEEN A ROAST IN YEARS BECAUSE EVERYONE'S CHICKEN,
BUT
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S CHICKEN, BUT NOT YOU, TOM. YOU'RE NOT
CHICKEN.
BUT NOT YOU, TOM. YOU'RE NOT CHICKEN. NO WAY. [ CHEERING
BUT NOT YOU, TOM. YOU'RE NOT CHICKEN. NO WAY.
I READ YOUR BOOK, YOUR BERRIES
AND
I READ YOUR BOOK, YOUR BERRIES AND AVOCADOS. THE TB12 METHOD,
THAT'S
AND AVOCADOS. THE TB12 METHOD, THAT'S YOUR BOOK. VERY
HELPFUL.
THAT'S YOUR BOOK. VERY HELPFUL. IN FACT KEVIN HART HA
THAT'S YOUR BOOK. VERY HELPFUL. IN FACT KEVIN HART HAS
BEEN
HELPFUL. IN FACT KEVIN HART HAS BEEN SITTING ON IT ALL NIGHT.
WHAT
BEEN SITTING ON IT ALL NIGHT. WHAT AN OPENING. I LOVE YOU,
KEVIN.
WHAT AN OPENING. I LOVE YOU, KEVIN. WHAT AN OPENING. YOU'RE
AMAZING.
I
I REALLY
I REALLY WANTED KEVIN TO HOST
BECAUSE
I REALLY WANTED KEVIN TO HOST BECAUSE HE ALREADY LOOKS LIKE A
DEFLATED
BECAUSE HE ALREADY LOOKS LIKE A DEFLATED FOOTBALL.
KEVIN HART IS THE BIGGEST EAGLES FAN. IN FACT ONE
SNATCHED
EAGLES FAN. IN FACT ONE SNATCHED HIM UP IN HIS BACKYARD
AND
SNATCHED HIM UP IN HIS BACKYARD AND DROPPED HIM OFF HERE THIS
AFTERNOON.
WHEN
WHEN I
WHEN I FIRST WALKED IN, I
THOUGHT
WHEN I FIRST WALKED IN, I THOUGHT IS THAT KEVIN HART OR
DID
THOUGHT IS THAT KEVIN HART OR DID RANDY MOSS TAKE A KNEE?
KEVIN
KEVIN HART, I LOVE YOU, MAN. I
REALLY
KEVIN HART, I LOVE YOU, MAN. I REALLY DO. YOU'RE SO GODDAM
FUNNY.
REALLY DO. YOU'RE SO GODDAM FUNNY. CONGRATULATES ON BEING
THE
FUNNY. CONGRATULATES ON BEING THE LATEST RECIPIENT OF THE
PRESTIGIOUS
THE LATEST RECIPIENT OF THE PRESTIGIOUS KENNEDY CENTER'S
MARK
PRESTIGIOUS KENNEDY CENTER'S MARK TWAIN PRIZE FOR HUMOR.
WELL
MARK TWAIN PRIZE FOR HUMOR. WELL DESERVED, MY MAN.
AND
AND SURELY IF MARK TWAIN WERE
AROUND
AND SURELY IF MARK TWAIN WERE AROUND TODAY, HE WOULD CALL YOU
AROUND TODAY, HE WOULD CALL YOU-- A
AROUND TODAY, HE WOULD CALL YOU-- A-- A NATIONAL TREASURE.
LOOK
A-- A NATIONAL TREASURE. LOOK AT THIS ARENA! [ CHEERING
LOOK AT THIS ARENA!
ALL
ALL MY
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE. THIS
IS
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE. THIS IS INCREDIBLE. SO MANY LEGENDS
IN
IS INCREDIBLE. SO MANY LEGENDS IN THE ROOM. DANA WHITE, I SEE
YOU
IN THE ROOM. DANA WHITE, I SEE YOU HIDING OVER THERE. WHAT'S
UP,
YOU HIDING OVER THERE. WHAT'S UP, DANA? LOOK AT THIS.
TALK
TALK ABOUT A LEGEND IN THE
ROOM.
TALK ABOUT A LEGEND IN THE ROOM. PULL BACK. I WANT TO SHOW
YOU
ROOM. PULL BACK. I WANT TO SHOW YOU HE BROUGHT THE WHOLE CAST
OF
YOU HE BROUGHT THE WHOLE CAST OF QUEER EYE. [ LAUGHTER
YOU HE BROUGHT THE WHOLE CAST OF QUEER EYE.
DANA,
OF QUEER EYE. DANA, WHO ARE THESE GUYS? ARE
THESE
DANA, WHO ARE THESE GUYS? ARE THESE GUYS, ARE THEY NEUTERED?
WHAT
THESE GUYS, ARE THEY NEUTERED? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
THE
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? THE SIGN SAID NO PETS, DANA. I
LOVE
THE SIGN SAID NO PETS, DANA. I LOVE YOU, DANA. YOU'RE LIKE
MICHAEL
LOVE YOU, DANA. YOU'RE LIKE MICHAEL VICK, BUT WITH HUMAN
BEINGS.
TOM, TOM, YOUR TEAMMATES ARE ALL HERE AT THE BEAUTIFUL SOLD
OUT
ALL HERE AT THE BEAUTIFUL SOLD OUT LOS ANGELES FORUM.
INCREDIBLE.
BY
BY THE
BY THE WAY FORUM IS ALSO HOW
ROB
BY THE WAY FORUM IS ALSO HOW ROB GRONKOWSKI COUNTS TO FIVE.
FOUR
ROB GRONKOWSKI COUNTS TO FIVE. FOUR-- UM
ROB GRONKOWSKI COUNTS TO FIVE. FOUR-- UM-- FIVE
ROB GRONKOWSKI COUNTS TO FIVE. FOUR-- UM-- FIVE-- UM. I
LOVE
FOUR-- UM-- FIVE-- UM. I LOVE YOU, GRONK. I LOVE YOU,
GRONK.
LOVE YOU, GRONK. I LOVE YOU, GRONK. POOR GRONK. HE THINKS
HIS
GRONK. POOR GRONK. HE THINKS HIS LAST NAME IS OWSKI. [
LAUGHTER
HIS LAST NAME IS OWSKI. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE ONE OF THE
GREATEST,
LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE ONE OF THE GREATEST, GRONK. YOU'RE ONE OF
THE
GREATEST, GRONK. YOU'RE ONE OF THE GREATEST. THEY LOVE YOU. [
CHEERING
THE GREATEST. THEY LOVE YOU.
OF
OF COURSE, GROWING UP IT WAS
NEVER
OF COURSE, GROWING UP IT WAS NEVER EVEN GRONK'S DREAM TO
PLAY
NEVER EVEN GRONK'S DREAM TO PLAY FOOTBALL, BUT HIS PARENTS
FIGURED,
PLAY FOOTBALL, BUT HIS PARENTS FIGURED, HEY, HE'S ALREADY
WEARING
FIGURED, HEY, HE'S ALREADY WEARING THE HELMET. JULIAN, CA
FIGURED, HEY, HE'S ALREADY WEARING THE HELMET. JULIAN, CAN
YOU
WEARING THE HELMET. JULIAN, CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT JOKE TO GRONK?
OH
YOU EXPLAIN THAT JOKE TO GRONK? OH MAN. WE'RE DOING IT BOSTON
STYLE
OH MAN. WE'RE DOING IT BOSTON STYLE TONIGHT, I'M TELLING YOU.
BOSTON
BOSTON STYLE, YOU KNOW, IT'S
GOING
BOSTON STYLE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING TO BE A MARATHON, AND
SOMEBODY
GOING TO BE A MARATHON, AND SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BOMB.
HEY, LISTEN, MAN, NO FEAR, THIS IS WHAT WE DO. THAT'S WHAT TOM
TOLD
IS WHAT WE DO. THAT'S WHAT TOM TOLD ME. THANKS FOR COMING IN,
TOM,
TOLD ME. THANKS FOR COMING IN, TOM, FROM YOUR NEW HOME STATE
OF
TOM, FROM YOUR NEW HOME STATE OF FLORIDA. WE WANTED TO ROAST
YOU
OF FLORIDA. WE WANTED TO ROAST YOU IN FLORIDA, BUT BECAUSE OF
YOUR
YOU IN FLORIDA, BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR GOVERNOR, WE WOULDN'T BE
ABLE
YOUR GOVERNOR, WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CALL YOU GAY.
WHAT
WHAT AN
WHAT AN UNDERDOG STORY, MAN.
AGAINST
WHAT AN UNDERDOG STORY, MAN. AGAINST ALL ODDS. IT ALL
STARTED
AGAINST ALL ODDS. IT ALL STARTED IN SAN MATEO,
CALIFORNIA.
STARTED IN SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA. [ CHEERING
STARTED IN SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA. [ CHEERING ] TOM'S
MOM
CALIFORNIA. [ CHEERING ] TOM'S MOM WHO IS HERE TONIGHT,
SOMEWHERE,
MOM WHO IS HERE TONIGHT, SOMEWHERE, WHERE IS SHE? YEAH.
SHE
SOMEWHERE, WHERE IS SHE? YEAH. SHE WAS IN LABOR WITH YOU FOR
43
SHE WAS IN LABOR WITH YOU FOR 43 HOURS. TALK ABOUT STAYING IN
THE
43 HOURS. TALK ABOUT STAYING IN THE POCKET. TOM WAS EVENTUALLY
DRAFTED
THE POCKET. TOM WAS EVENTUALLY DRAFTED 199th IN THE NFL DRAFT.
HE
DRAFTED 199th IN THE NFL DRAFT. HE SAT THERE FOR DAYS WAITING
AND
HE SAT THERE FOR DAYS WAITING AND WAITING, AND THEN YOU WERE
FINALLY
AND WAITING, AND THEN YOU WERE FINALLY PICKED IN THE SIXTH
ROUND
FINALLY PICKED IN THE SIXTH ROUND WITH BILL BELICHICK'S
DOG
ROUND WITH BILL BELICHICK'S DOG STEPPED ON THE KEYBOARD BY
ACCIDENT.
SO TOM BECAME A PATRIOT. MOVED
UP
SO TOM BECAME A PATRIOT. MOVED UP TO NEW ENGLAND. AND ON THE
FIRST
UP TO NEW ENGLAND. AND ON THE FIRST DAY OF TRAINING CAMP,
THAT
FIRST DAY OF TRAINING CAMP, THAT ROOKIE WALKED INTO THE
OWNER,
THAT ROOKIE WALKED INTO THE OWNER, ROBERT KRAFT'S OWNER,
AND
OWNER, ROBERT KRAFT'S OWNER, AND SAID I'M THE BEST DECISION
YOUR
AND SAID I'M THE BEST DECISION YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS EVER
MADE.
YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS EVER MADE. WOULD YOU LIKE A MASSAGE?
I LOVE ROBERT KRAFT. OKAY, OKAY.
HE'S
OKAY, OKAY. HE'S HAVING FUN. LOOK AT
HIM.
HE'S HAVING FUN. LOOK AT HIM. I LOVE WHAT YOU DO FOR THE
JEWS,
HIM. I LOVE WHAT YOU DO FOR THE JEWS, ROBERT KRAFT. YOU'RE
INCREDIBLE.
JEWS, ROBERT KRAFT. YOU'RE INCREDIBLE. FROM THAT POINT ON
EVERYTHING
INCREDIBLE. FROM THAT POINT ON EVERYTHING WAS A FAIRY TALE
UNLESS
EVERYTHING WAS A FAIRY TALE UNLESS YOU'RE DREW BLEDSOE,
THEN
UNLESS YOU'RE DREW BLEDSOE, THEN IT WAS A TOTAL FUCKING
NIGHTMARE.
DREW.
OF COURSE, SUPER BOWL MVP,
JULIAN
OF COURSE, SUPER BOWL MVP, JULIAN EDELMAN IS HERE. HI,
JULIAN.
THE GREATEST JEWISH FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME. WHICH IS
PRETTY
PLAYER OF ALL TIME. WHICH IS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE UNTIL YOU
REALIZE
PRETTY IMPRESSIVE UNTIL YOU REALIZE THE GUY IN SECOND PLACE
IS
REALIZE THE GUY IN SECOND PLACE IS ME. TOM, I REALLY WANTED YO
REALIZE THE GUY IN SECOND PLACE IS ME. TOM, I REALLY WANTED YOU
TO
IS ME. TOM, I REALLY WANTED YOU TO BE OUR FIRST GOAT TO BE
ROASTED
TO BE OUR FIRST GOAT TO BE ROASTED BECAUSE YOU'RE AN
EXAMPLE
ROASTED BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EXAMPLE TO FUTURE GENERATIONS.
THAT
EXAMPLE TO FUTURE GENERATIONS. THAT IF YOU WORK HARD, EAT
RIGHT,
THAT IF YOU WORK HARD, EAT RIGHT, FILM THE OTHER TEAM'S
PRACTICES,
RIGHT, FILM THE OTHER TEAM'S PRACTICES, DEFLATE THE BALLS,
AND
PRACTICES, DEFLATE THE BALLS, AND HAVE THE NFL MAKE NEW RULES
JUST
AND HAVE THE NFL MAKE NEW RULES JUST FOR YOU, THEN YOU TOO CAN
BE
JUST FOR YOU, THEN YOU TOO CAN BE THE THIRD MOST FAMOUS GUY IN
A
BE THE THIRD MOST FAMOUS GUY IN A DUNKIN' DONUTS COMMERCIAL.
U.S.A.,
A DUNKIN' DONUTS COMMERCIAL. U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!
TOM,
TOM, YOU
TOM, YOU ONCE TOLD ME IT WAS
YOUR
TOM, YOU ONCE TOLD ME IT WAS YOUR DREAM TO BE ROASTED, AND
HERE
YOUR DREAM TO BE ROASTED, AND HERE WE ARE, PROVING YOU'RE NOT
JUST
HERE WE ARE, PROVING YOU'RE NOT JUST A GREAT ATHLETE, YOU'RE
ALSO
JUST A GREAT ATHLETE, YOU'RE ALSO A GREAT SPORT.
IF
IF I
IF I EVER
IF I EVER HAVE A SON, I WANT
HIM
IF I EVER HAVE A SON, I WANT HIM TO BE SMART, STRONG,
DRIVEN,
HIM TO BE SMART, STRONG, DRIVEN, JUST LIKE YOU, TOM,
WHICH
DRIVEN, JUST LIKE YOU, TOM, WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT AT THE
AFTER
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT AT THE AFTER PARTY, I'M GOING TO TRY
TO
AFTER PARTY, I'M GOING TO TRY TO FUCK YOUR SISTER. [ LAUGHTER
TO FUCK YOUR SISTER. [ LAUGHTER ] JULIE! YOU'RE MY NUMBER ONE
DRAFT
] JULIE! YOU'RE MY NUMBER ONE DRAFT PICK. LET'S FUCKING GO!
I
DRAFT PICK. LET'S FUCKING GO! I LOVE YOU, GUYS. THANK YOU,
EVERYBODY.
WOW. WOW.
WOW. WOW. STOP BEING A
BITCH,
WOW. WOW. STOP BEING A BITCH, JEFF. SIT DOWN. STOP
KISSING
BITCH, JEFF. SIT DOWN. STOP KISSING HIS ASS. YOU OKAY, YOU
OKAY,
KISSING HIS ASS. YOU OKAY, YOU OKAY, RIGHT, TOM? IT WAS JUST
JOKES.
OKAY, RIGHT, TOM? IT WAS JUST JOKES. SUCH A BITCH. GUYS, MAKE
SURE
JOKES. SUCH A BITCH. GUYS, MAKE SURE YOU GUYS CHECK OUT JEFF'S
ONE-MAN
SURE YOU GUYS CHECK OUT JEFF'S ONE-MAN SHOW. IT'S PLAYING AT
THE
ONE-MAN SHOW. IT'S PLAYING AT THE HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY. I'M
NOT
THE HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING. HIS CAREER'S
LITERALLY
NOT EVEN JOKING. HIS CAREER'S LITERALLY DYING. IT'S DYING.
IF
LITERALLY DYING. IT'S DYING. IF WE STOP DOING THESE ROASTS,
YOU
IF WE STOP DOING THESE ROASTS, YOU WILL NOT SEE JEFF ROSS EVER
AGAIN.
YOU WILL NOT SEE JEFF ROSS EVER AGAIN. DO YOU HEAR ME? SAVE
JEFF
AGAIN. DO YOU HEAR ME? SAVE JEFF ROSS. KEEP THE ROAST
GOING.
JEFF ROSS. KEEP THE ROAST GOING. JESUS CHRIST. JEFF, SUCH
A
GOING. JESUS CHRIST. JEFF, SUCH A FUCKING BITCH. I HEARD YOU
OVER
A FUCKING BITCH. I HEARD YOU OVER THERE, YOU BITCH. TOM, YO
A FUCKING BITCH. I HEARD YOU OVER THERE, YOU BITCH. TOM, YOU
ALL
OVER THERE, YOU BITCH. TOM, YOU ALL RIGHT? YOUR HAIR IS SO
STRAIGHT,
ALL RIGHT? YOUR HAIR IS SO STRAIGHT, YEAH. YOU KNOW THE
FUNNY
STRAIGHT, YEAH. YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING? YOU CAME OUT HERE
TRYING
FUNNY THING? YOU CAME OUT HERE TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE
UPSET
TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE UPSET WITH O.J., AND ALL THAT
LITTLE
UPSET WITH O.J., AND ALL THAT LITTLE ATTITUDE. IT'S GOT
NOTHING
LITTLE ATTITUDE. IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH O.J. JEFF
ROSS,
NOTHING TO DO WITH O.J. JEFF ROSS, YOU'RE MAD ABOUT THE
FACT
ROSS, YOU'RE MAD ABOUT THE FACT IT WAS A WAITER WHO GOT
KILLED
FACT IT WAS A WAITER WHO GOT KILLED WHO BRINGS OUT FOOD, YOU
FAT
KILLED WHO BRINGS OUT FOOD, YOU FAT FUCK. IT'S ONE LESS WAITER
ON
FAT FUCK. IT'S ONE LESS WAITER ON THE STREETS. THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE
ON THE STREETS. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT. FUCKING
JEFF
YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT. FUCKING JEFF ROSS. JUST KEEP THE ROAST
COMING,
JEFF ROSS. JUST KEEP THE ROAST COMING, OKAY? JEFF, WHAT ELSE
DO
COMING, OKAY? JEFF, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE GOING ON? IS THERE
OTHER
DO YOU HAVE GOING ON? IS THERE OTHER SHIT HAPPENING IN YOUR
SHOW?
ONE
SHOW? ONE MAN SHOW. I'M ON TOUR
NOW.
TAKE
NOW. TAKE A BANANA ON THE RIDE?
ON
TAKE A BANANA ON THE RIDE? ON TOUR.
I
ON TOUR. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU A
BUNCH
I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF SHIT, MAN, BUT I
ACTUALLY
BUNCH OF SHIT, MAN, BUT I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU, JEFF. I
ACTUALLY
ACTUALLY LOVE YOU, JEFF. I ACTUALLY DO. JEFF IS THE ONLY
PERSON
ACTUALLY DO. JEFF IS THE ONLY PERSON I SEE, AND EVERY TIME I
SEE
PERSON I SEE, AND EVERY TIME I SEE HIM, HE LOOKS THICKER. I
DON'T
SEE HIM, HE LOOKS THICKER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
IT'S
DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. IT'S JUST GETTING SICKER AND
SICKER,
IT'S JUST GETTING SICKER AND SICKER, BUT WE CAN'T NAIL IT
DOWN.
SICKER, BUT WE CAN'T NAIL IT DOWN. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT
IS.
DOWN. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, COMING TO
THE
IS. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, COMING TO THE STAGE RIGHT NOW IS A MAN,
WELL,
THE STAGE RIGHT NOW IS A MAN, WELL, A MAN WHO WAS PICKED
FIRST
WELL, A MAN WHO WAS PICKED FIRST IN THE NFL DRAFT, AND
LAST
FIRST IN THE NFL DRAFT, AND LAST FOR THIS ROAST. PLEASE
WELCOME
LAST FOR THIS ROAST. PLEASE WELCOME DREW BLEDSOE. COME ON,
DREW.
IT'S A PRETTY COOL STAGE UP HERE. THIS REMINDS ME
IT'S A PRETTY COOL STAGE UP HERE. THIS REMINDS ME-- SETTLE
DOWN.
HERE. THIS REMINDS ME-- SETTLE DOWN. I'VE GOT SOME JOKES TO
TELL.
DOWN. I'VE GOT SOME JOKES TO TELL. THIS STAGE IS REALLY
COOL,
TELL. THIS STAGE IS REALLY COOL, MAN. IT REMINDS ME OF THE
FIRST
COOL, MAN. IT REMINDS ME OF THE FIRST ROUND OF THE DRAFT. YOU
REMEMBER,
FIRST ROUND OF THE DRAFT. YOU REMEMBER, RANDY, YOU REMEMBER,
YEAH,
REMEMBER, RANDY, YOU REMEMBER, YEAH, FIRST ROUND. PRETTY COOL,
RIGHT?
YEAH, FIRST ROUND. PRETTY COOL, RIGHT? SO LOOK, I'VE GOT TO
ADMIT
RIGHT? SO LOOK, I'VE GOT TO ADMIT I'M A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS
TONIGHT.
ADMIT I'M A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS TONIGHT. I TRULY AM. THE LAST
TIME
TONIGHT. I TRULY AM. THE LAST TIME I WAS UP ON STAGE BEFORE
TOM
TIME I WAS UP ON STAGE BEFORE TOM BRADY, I ENDED UP IN THE
HOSPITAL
TOM BRADY, I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL FOR FIVE DAYS, AND I
LOST
HOSPITAL FOR FIVE DAYS, AND I LOST MY DAMN JOB. SO REAL TALK,
YOU
LOST MY DAMN JOB. SO REAL TALK, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST
ASSUMED
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED THAT I HAVE A LOT OF
ANIMOSITY
ASSUMED THAT I HAVE A LOT OF ANIMOSITY TOWARDS TOM BRADY.
I'M
ANIMOSITY TOWARDS TOM BRADY. I'M HERE TO TELL YOU TONIGHT
IN
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU TONIGHT IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
THAT
IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE CORRECT. I FUCKING
HATE
THAT YOU'RE CORRECT. I FUCKING HATE HIM.
I
I MEAN
I MEAN--
I MEAN-- HEY, BUT LET'S JUST
BE
I MEAN-- HEY, BUT LET'S JUST BE HONEST, A LOT OF YOU GUYS
KIND
BE HONEST, A LOT OF YOU GUYS KIND OF HATE HIM TOO. I MEAN
WHO
KIND OF HATE HIM TOO. I MEAN WHO IS MORE HATEABLE THAN THE
MOST
WHO IS MORE HATEABLE THAN THE MOST SUCCESSFUL QUARTERBACK OF
ALL
MOST SUCCESSFUL QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME? I MEAN EXCEPT MAYBE
BELICHICK.
ALL TIME? I MEAN EXCEPT MAYBE BELICHICK. SO THERE ARE RUMORS
THAT
BELICHICK. SO THERE ARE RUMORS THAT COACH BELICHICK WAS GOING
TO
THAT COACH BELICHICK WAS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT. TURNS OUT
HE
TO BE HERE TONIGHT. TURNS OUT HE HAD SOME TIME ON HIS HANDS.
HEY
HE HAD SOME TIME ON HIS HANDS. HEY LOOK. AT LEAST WHEN I GOT
FIRED,
HEY LOOK. AT LEAST WHEN I GOT FIRED, SOMEBODY ELSE WANTED ME.
I WAS WORRIED HE WAS BEHIND ME.
OH
I WAS WORRIED HE WAS BEHIND ME. OH LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT, TOM
INVITED
OH LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT, TOM INVITED HIS ONE BLACK RECEIVER
HERE
INVITED HIS ONE BLACK RECEIVER HERE TONIGHT.
IT'S--
IT'S-- IT'S VERY WOKE OF
YOU,
IT'S-- IT'S VERY WOKE OF YOU, BUDDY. VERY WOKE. ANY WAY
RANDY
YOU, BUDDY. VERY WOKE. ANY WAY RANDY MOSS IS HERE. [ CHEERING
RANDY MOSS IS HERE.
HE'S A COUNTRY ASS, BASS FISHERMAN FROM WEST VIRGINIA
WHO
FISHERMAN FROM WEST VIRGINIA WHO USED TO OWN A NASCAR TEAM.
EVEN
WHO USED TO OWN A NASCAR TEAM. EVEN YOUR BLACK RECEIVERS ARE
WHITE
EVEN YOUR BLACK RECEIVERS ARE WHITE DUDES. I MEAN LOOK, COME
ON,
WHITE DUDES. I MEAN LOOK, COME ON, HIS NAME IS RANDY. IT'S THE
FUCKING
ON, HIS NAME IS RANDY. IT'S THE FUCKING WHITEST NAME SINCE
KEVIN.
ROB
ROB GRONKOWSKI'S HERE. HE'S
TOM'S
ROB GRONKOWSKI'S HERE. HE'S TOM'S FAVORITE TIGHT END.
TOM'S FAVORITE TIGHT END WHO WASN'T A MURDERER.
A
A LOT
A LOT OF
A LOT OF PEOPLE, A LOT OF
PEOPLE
A LOT OF PEOPLE, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW GRONK IS
ORIGINALLY
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW GRONK IS ORIGINALLY FROM BUFFALO.
THAT'S
ORIGINALLY FROM BUFFALO. THAT'S RIGHT. HE WAS ACTUALLY
BORN
THAT'S RIGHT. HE WAS ACTUALLY BORN ON A FOLDING TABLE AT A
BILL'S
BORN ON A FOLDING TABLE AT A BILL'S TAILGATE. THE WEIRD
TWIST
BILL'S TAILGATE. THE WEIRD TWIST OF FATE, THAT'S ALSO
WHERE
TWIST OF FATE, THAT'S ALSO WHERE HE WAS CONCEIVED.
APOLOGIES
APOLOGIES TO YOUR FOLKS. YOU
KNOW
APOLOGIES TO YOUR FOLKS. YOU KNOW THE SECOND BEST NUMBER 11
TO
KNOW THE SECOND BEST NUMBER 11 TO EVER PLAY FOR THE PATRIOTS
IS
TO EVER PLAY FOR THE PATRIOTS IS HERE, JULIAN EDELMAN. JULES
IS
IS HERE, JULIAN EDELMAN. JULES IS-- JULES IS A TRUE UNICORN.
HE'S
IS-- JULES IS A TRUE UNICORN. HE'S A SHORT, JEWISH RECEIVER,
BUT
HE'S A SHORT, JEWISH RECEIVER, BUT HE ALSO PLAYED DEFENSE.
BELICHICK
BUT HE ALSO PLAYED DEFENSE. BELICHICK WANTED HIM TO PLAY
NICKEL,
BELICHICK WANTED HIM TO PLAY NICKEL, HE HELD OUT FOR A DIME.
MOST
NICKEL, HE HELD OUT FOR A DIME. MOST OF HIS CAREER HIGHLIGHTS
ARE
MOST OF HIS CAREER HIGHLIGHTS ARE JUST NEGOTIATIONS. SO LOOK,
TOM,
ARE JUST NEGOTIATIONS. SO LOOK, TOM, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU
ENJOYED
TOM, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU ENJOYED ALL THIS AMAZING
SUCCESS
ENJOYED ALL THIS AMAZING SUCCESS WITH THE TEAM THAT I
BUILT.
SUCCESS WITH THE TEAM THAT I BUILT. SUPER FUCKING HAPPY FOR
YOU,
BUILT. SUPER FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU, BUD.
YOU
YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW, WHEN MOST PEOPLE LOSE
THEIR
YOU KNOW, WHEN MOST PEOPLE LOSE THEIR JOBS, THEY START
DRINKING.
THEIR JOBS, THEY START DRINKING. I STARTED A WINERY.
IT'S
DRINKING. I STARTED A WINERY. IT'S CALLED DOUBLEBACK. IT'S
NAMED
IT'S CALLED DOUBLEBACK. IT'S NAMED AFTER WHAT TOM DOES EVERY
TIME
NAMED AFTER WHAT TOM DOES EVERY TIME YOU WALK PAST A MIRROR.
YOU
TIME YOU WALK PAST A MIRROR. YOU KNOW THIS MOVE, RIGHT?
YOU
YOU KNOW
YOU KNOW YOU DO THAT SHIT.
YOU
YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE WINE IS
OUR
YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE WINE IS OUR WORLD CLASS CABERNET.
TOM'S
OUR WORLD CLASS CABERNET. TOM'S FAVORITE WINE IS
WHERE'S
TOM'S FAVORITE WINE IS WHERE'S THE FLAG?
YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, BUDDY, YOU
GOT
YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, BUDDY, YOU GOT REALLY USED TO NOT BEING
TOUCHED,
GOT REALLY USED TO NOT BEING TOUCHED, RIGHT? JUST LIKE THE
END
TOUCHED, RIGHT? JUST LIKE THE END OF THE MARRIAGE.
SO
SO HEY,
SO HEY, LOOK, BUDDY, YOU HAVE
MORE
SO HEY, LOOK, BUDDY, YOU HAVE MORE RINGS THAN I DO, BUT I
HAVE
MORE RINGS THAN I DO, BUT I HAVE EXPERIENCED A COUPLE OF
THINGS
HAVE EXPERIENCED A COUPLE OF THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER
EXPERIENCE.
THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE. THE FEELING OF
BEING
EXPERIENCE. THE FEELING OF BEING THE NUMBER ONE OVERALL
DRAFT
BEING THE NUMBER ONE OVERALL DRAFT PICK IN THE NFL. AND A
28th
DRAFT PICK IN THE NFL. AND A 28th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. IT
WAS
28th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. IT WAS YESTERDAY.
YEP.
YEP. THAT
YEP. THAT ACTUALLY WAS
YESTERDAY.
YEP. THAT ACTUALLY WAS YESTERDAY. LOVE YOU, BABY. SO
LOOK
YESTERDAY. LOVE YOU, BABY. SO LOOK WHEN I FIRST MET TOM, HE
WAS
LOOK WHEN I FIRST MET TOM, HE WAS NOT THE GREATEST OF ALL
TIME.
WAS NOT THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. HE WAS JUST A SENSITIVE
PRETTY
TIME. HE WAS JUST A SENSITIVE PRETTY BOY FROM SAN FRANCISCO,
WHO
PRETTY BOY FROM SAN FRANCISCO, WHO WOULDN'T SHOWER WITH THE
TEAM.
WHO WOULDN'T SHOWER WITH THE TEAM. AND HE DROVE A YELLOW
SCREAM
TEAM. AND HE DROVE A YELLOW SCREAM JEEP. A YELLOW FUCKING
JEEP,
SCREAM JEEP. A YELLOW FUCKING JEEP, RIGHT? SO LOOK, DON'T
MAKE
JEEP, RIGHT? SO LOOK, DON'T MAKE EXCUSES, DUDE. IT WAS A
YELLOW
MAKE EXCUSES, DUDE. IT WAS A YELLOW FUCKING JEEP. BUT LOOK,
I
YELLOW FUCKING JEEP. BUT LOOK, I AM NOT STANDING HERE RIGHT
NOW
I AM NOT STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW SAYING TOM BRADY IS GAY.
I'M
NOW SAYING TOM BRADY IS GAY. I'M NOT. I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
BUT
I'M NOT. I'M NOT SAYING THAT. BUT HE SURE DID FUCK ME. [
CHEERING
BUT HE SURE DID FUCK ME.
ALL
ALL RIGHT, SO NOW I HAVE TO BE
NICE
ALL RIGHT, SO NOW I HAVE TO BE NICE AND SINCERE, AND I WILL
BE.
NICE AND SINCERE, AND I WILL BE. LOOK, MAN, UM, TOMMY, I
TOLD
BE. LOOK, MAN, UM, TOMMY, I TOLD YOU BEFORE AND I WILL TELL
YOU
TOLD YOU BEFORE AND I WILL TELL YOU NOW IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE.
YOU NOW IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. INCREDIBLY PROUD OF AL
YOU NOW IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. INCREDIBLY PROUD OF ALL
THAT
PEOPLE. INCREDIBLY PROUD OF ALL THAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED.
BUT,
THAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. BUT, NO. BUT I'M FAR MORE
PROUD
BUT, NO. BUT I'M FAR MORE PROUD OF HOW YOU'VE DONE IT.
YOU'VE
PROUD OF HOW YOU'VE DONE IT. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A MAN OF
TRUE
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A MAN OF TRUE CHARACTER, AND I KNOW
YOU'RE
TRUE CHARACTER, AND I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO DO
GREAT
YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO DO GREAT THINGS IN THE WORLD, AND
I
GREAT THINGS IN THE WORLD, AND I LOVE YOU.
I
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
NOW,
NOW, WILL
NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE STAY
FUCKING
NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE STAY FUCKING RETIRED? WE ARE SICK OF
THIS
FUCKING RETIRED? WE ARE SICK OF THIS SHIT. ALL RIGHT, GOT TO
GO.
DREW! BOO, OOO. HEY, DREW, I
DON'T
DREW! BOO, OOO. HEY, DREW, I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU WITH
YOUR
DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU WITH YOUR SHOT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE
YOU'VE
YOUR SHOT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH.
BUT
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. BUT I JUST WANT TO ADD, IS IT
JUST
BUT I JUST WANT TO ADD, IS IT JUST ME OR DO YOU GUYS FEEL
LIKE
JUST ME OR DO YOU GUYS FEEL LIKE DREW HAS ONE OF THOSE
FACES
LIKE DREW HAS ONE OF THOSE FACES THAT YOU SEE IN THE
WALGREENS
FACES THAT YOU SEE IN THE WALGREENS PICTURE FRAMES. YOU
KNOW
WALGREENS PICTURE FRAMES. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO WALGREENS
OR
KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO WALGREENS OR TARGET OR YOU'VE GOT AN
EMPLOYEE
OR TARGET OR YOU'VE GOT AN EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FACE,
DREW.
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FACE, DREW. IT JUST LOOKS LIKE YOU DO
GREAT
DREW. IT JUST LOOKS LIKE YOU DO GREAT WORK WHEREVER YOU FUCKING
GO.
GREAT WORK WHEREVER YOU FUCKING GO. LIKE MAN, THAT GUY WORKED
HARD.
GO. LIKE MAN, THAT GUY WORKED HARD. LOOK AT HIM. EVER SINCE
THE
HARD. LOOK AT HIM. EVER SINCE THE BRADY SHIT, HE'S BEEN HERE
NIGHT
THE BRADY SHIT, HE'S BEEN HERE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. HE'S SAM'S
CLUB'S
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. HE'S SAM'S CLUB'S BEST CUST
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. HE'S SAM'S CLUB'S BEST CUST-- I'M
SORRY.
CLUB'S BEST CUST-- I'M SORRY. THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS
TALKING,
SORRY. THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS TALKING, I WAS LIKE THAT LOOKS
LIKE
TALKING, I WAS LIKE THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE EMPLOYEE
OF
LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH. HE'S LIKE OOO.
YOU
OF THE MONTH. HE'S LIKE OOO. YOU GUYS ARE ALL IDIOTS.
FUCKING
YOU GUYS ARE ALL IDIOTS. FUCKING IDIOTS. THIS IS MY
STAGE.
FUCKING IDIOTS. THIS IS MY STAGE. I GOT THE FUCKING GUN.
YOU
STAGE. I GOT THE FUCKING GUN. YOU HEAR ME? FUCK YOU, TOM.
EVERY
YOU HEAR ME? FUCK YOU, TOM. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I'M
JUST
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I'M JUST GOING TO TELL YOU THAT
JUST
JUST GOING TO TELL YOU THAT JUST BECAUSE. AND I'M GOING TO
HIT
JUST BECAUSE. AND I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A COUPLE OF SHOTS.
STOP
HIT YOU WITH A COUPLE OF SHOTS. STOP DRINKING THAT WATER
BECAUSE
STOP DRINKING THAT WATER BECAUSE YOU'RE NERVOUS. EVERY
ONCE
BECAUSE YOU'RE NERVOUS. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I WANT YOU TO
DO
ONCE IN A WHILE I WANT YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR AND PUT A TIGHT
SHOT
DO ME A FAVOR AND PUT A TIGHT SHOT ON TOM'S FACE WHEN PEOPLE
ARE
SHOT ON TOM'S FACE WHEN PEOPLE ARE TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM. HIS
LIP
ARE TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM. HIS LIP IS SHAKING. IF YOU CAN LOOK
AT
LIP IS SHAKING. IF YOU CAN LOOK AT IT, HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT
AT IT, HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY.
WITH
WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY. WITH THAT BEING SAID, TOM, I'M
GOING
WITH THAT BEING SAID, TOM, I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU UP AFTER THIS
ONE.
GOING TO FUCK YOU UP AFTER THIS ONE. YOU'RE GOING TO GET SOME
MORE.
ONE. YOU'RE GOING TO GET SOME MORE. BUT THIS NEXT ROASTER IS
AMAZING.
MORE. BUT THIS NEXT ROASTER IS AMAZING. GUYS, IT'S NIKKI
GLASER
AMAZING. GUYS, IT'S NIKKI GLASER AND HER NEW COMEDY
SPECIAL
GLASER AND HER NEW COMEDY SPECIAL IS CALLED SOME DAY
YOU'LL
SPECIAL IS CALLED SOME DAY YOU'LL DIE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
BECAUSE
YOU'LL DIE. YOU KNOW WHAT? BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT THE
GUYS
BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT THE GUYS SHE FUCKED WITHOUT A
CONDOM.
GUYS SHE FUCKED WITHOUT A CONDOM. THEY'RE DEAD. COME ON,
NIKKI.
THANK
THANK YOU, 15 CENT. YOU
REALLY
THANK YOU, 15 CENT. YOU REALLY GOT TO HAND IT TO KEVIN
HART
REALLY GOT TO HAND IT TO KEVIN HART BECAUSE HE CAN'T REACH.
NO,
HART BECAUSE HE CAN'T REACH. NO, KEVIN, I LOVE YOU. NO ONE
WORKS
NO, KEVIN, I LOVE YOU. NO ONE WORKS HARDER THAN THIS MAN. DO
YOU
WORKS HARDER THAN THIS MAN. DO YOU KNOW EVERY MORNING KEVIN
WAKES
YOU KNOW EVERY MORNING KEVIN WAKES UP AT 4:00 A.M. TO MAKE A
SHITTY
WAKES UP AT 4:00 A.M. TO MAKE A SHITTY MOVIE? I LOVE YOUR
MOVIES
SHITTY MOVIE? I LOVE YOUR MOVIES OR I CALL THEM SHORT
FILMS.
MOVIES OR I CALL THEM SHORT FILMS. I'M KIDDING. I HATE
THEM.
FILMS. I'M KIDDING. I HATE THEM. NO. NO, SORRY, KEVIN, I
DON'T
THEM. NO. NO, SORRY, KEVIN, I DON'T MEAN TO BELITTLE YOU,
BUT
DON'T MEAN TO BELITTLE YOU, BUT YOU BE LITTLE, MAN. LIKE
YOU'RE
BUT YOU BE LITTLE, MAN. LIKE YOU'RE A TINY GUY. KEVIN IS
5'2,
YOU'RE A TINY GUY. KEVIN IS 5'2, 150 POUNDS, 155 AFTER
THE
5'2, 150 POUNDS, 155 AFTER THE ROCK FINISHES. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE
THE ROCK FINISHES. THANK YOU. YOU'RE HIS FAVORITE FLESHLIGHT.
ROB
YOU'RE HIS FAVORITE FLESHLIGHT. ROB GRONKOWSKI IS NOT ALL HERE.
HEY,
ROB GRONKOWSKI IS NOT ALL HERE. HEY, ROB. NO, ROB, YOU'RE NOT
REALLY
HEY, ROB. NO, ROB, YOU'RE NOT REALLY AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK AND
SOUND
REALLY AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK AND SOUND AND ACT AND ARE. HE MIGHT
BE
SOUND AND ACT AND ARE. HE MIGHT BE DUMBER. IS IT TRUE YOU'RE
THE
BE DUMBER. IS IT TRUE YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON BORN WITH CTE?
IS
THE FIRST PERSON BORN WITH CTE? IS THAT REAL? NO, GRONK, I LOVE
YOU.
IS THAT REAL? NO, GRONK, I LOVE YOU. YOU PUT THE DOWNS IN
TOUCHDOWNS,
YOU. YOU PUT THE DOWNS IN TOUCHDOWNS, YOU REALLY DO. YOU
PUT
TOUCHDOWNS, YOU REALLY DO. YOU PUT THE SPECIAL IN SPECIAL
TEAMS.
PUT THE SPECIAL IN SPECIAL TEAMS. YOU PUT THE TARD IN ROB
GRONKOWSKI
TEAMS. YOU PUT THE TARD IN ROB GRONKOWSKI IS RETARDED. SORRY.
WHY?
GRONKOWSKI IS RETARDED. SORRY. WHY? I'M SO SORRY, ROB. YOU
HAVEN'T
WHY? I'M SO SORRY, ROB. YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT THIS MUCH HEAT
SINCE
HAVEN'T CAUGHT THIS MUCH HEAT SINCE YOU WERE MICROWAVED AS A
BABY.
SINCE YOU WERE MICROWAVED AS A BABY. I'M SORRY. JEFF, KILLER
SET.
BABY. I'M SORRY. JEFF, KILLER SET. CONGRATULATES ON THE
WEIGHT
SET. CONGRATULATES ON THE WEIGHT LOSS TOO, MAN. IT MUST
BE
WEIGHT LOSS TOO, MAN. IT MUST BE NICE TO KNOW THAT BEING FAT
WAS
BE NICE TO KNOW THAT BEING FAT WAS WHAT MADE YOU DISGUSTING TO
LOOK
WAS WHAT MADE YOU DISGUSTING TO LOOK AT. SORRY, MAN. YOU REALLY
PUT
LOOK AT. SORRY, MAN. YOU REALLY PUT THE ICK IN OZEMPIC. YOU
LOOK
PUT THE ICK IN OZEMPIC. YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PRONOUNS ARE IT
PUT THE ICK IN OZEMPIC. YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PRONOUNS ARE IT,
THAT.
LOOK LIKE YOUR PRONOUNS ARE IT, THAT. YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING
CANCER
THAT. YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING CANCER CATCHES. ARE YOU
PICKLED?
CANCER CATCHES. ARE YOU PICKLED? I'M CONFUSED. THE
ONLY
PICKLED? I'M CONFUSED. THE ONLY TIME JEFF EVER GOT A WOMAN
WET
ONLY TIME JEFF EVER GOT A WOMAN WET IS WHEN SHE HELPED ROLL HIM
BACK
WET IS WHEN SHE HELPED ROLL HIM BACK INTO THE OCEAN. I'M SORRY.
I'M
BACK INTO THE OCEAN. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I LOVE YOU. TOM,
BERT,
I'M SORRY. I LOVE YOU. TOM, BERT, I LOVE YOU TOO. YOU'RE
PRESENTING
BERT, I LOVE YOU TOO. YOU'RE PRESENTING TOGETHER LATER LIKE
TWO
PRESENTING TOGETHER LATER LIKE TWO PEAS IN EACH OTHERS MOUTHS.
BERT,
TWO PEAS IN EACH OTHERS MOUTHS. BERT, BERT, I LOVE YOU. YOU
KNOW
BERT, BERT, I LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW I'M SUCH A FAN OF YOUR
JOKE.
KNOW I'M SUCH A FAN OF YOUR JOKE. IT'S GOOD. SHIRTS ARE
SUPPOSE
JOKE. IT'S GOOD. SHIRTS ARE SUPPOSE TO STAY ON. BUT HE
TAKES
SUPPOSE TO STAY ON. BUT HE TAKES IT OFF. SO GOOD. ANDREW
SCHULZ,
TAKES IT OFF. SO GOOD. ANDREW SCHULZ, YOU CARNEY FACE BITCH.
I
SCHULZ, YOU CARNEY FACE BITCH. I HATE YOUR COMEDY MORE THAN
KEVIN
I HATE YOUR COMEDY MORE THAN KEVIN HATES HIGH FIVES. I
REALLY
KEVIN HATES HIGH FIVES. I REALLY-- NOW PLEASE GIVE IT UP
FOR
REALLY-- NOW PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR ZERO TIME SUPER BOWL
CHAMPION
FOR ZERO TIME SUPER BOWL CHAMPION RANDY MOSS. I'M
SORRY,
CHAMPION RANDY MOSS. I'M SORRY, RANDY. WHY DON'T YOU A
RING?
SORRY, RANDY. WHY DON'T YOU A RING? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
YOU'RE
RING? WHAT THE HELL, MAN? YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST EVER.
DREW
YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST EVER. DREW BLEDSOE HAS A RING. AARON
HERNANDEZ
DREW BLEDSOE HAS A RING. AARON HERNANDEZ HAD A RING AROUND HIS
NECK.
HERNANDEZ HAD A RING AROUND HIS NECK. LIKE WHAT'S GOING ON?
JULIAN,
NECK. LIKE WHAT'S GOING ON? JULIAN, YOU HAVE THREE RINGS
RIGHT
JULIAN, YOU HAVE THREE RINGS RIGHT NOW, YOU SQUINTY HIGH
FUCK
RIGHT NOW, YOU SQUINTY HIGH FUCK BOY. JULIAN, OUT OF
CURIOSITY,
FUCK BOY. JULIAN, OUT OF CURIOSITY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE
TODAY?
CURIOSITY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE TODAY? DID YOU DRIVE OR DID YO
CURIOSITY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE TODAY? DID YOU DRIVE OR DID YOU
RIDE
TODAY? DID YOU DRIVE OR DID YOU RIDE TOM'S DICK? WHICH WAS IT?
BECAUSE
RIDE TOM'S DICK? WHICH WAS IT? BECAUSE I WANT TO GET A RIDE
HOME
BECAUSE I WANT TO GET A RIDE HOME ON IT. BUT LET'S GET TO
THE
HOME ON IT. BUT LET'S GET TO THE REASON WE'RE ALL HERE
TONIGHT.
THE REASON WE'RE ALL HERE TONIGHT. DREW BLEDSOE. DREW
BLED
TONIGHT. DREW BLEDSOE. DREW BLED SO TOM COULD RUN. BUT
DREW,
BLED SO TOM COULD RUN. BUT DREW, I'M GOING TO MOVE ON
FROM
DREW, I'M GOING TO MOVE ON FROM YOU JUST LIKE YOUR TEAM
DID
FROM YOU JUST LIKE YOUR TEAM DID AFTER YOU ALMOST DIED. TOM
BRADY,
DID AFTER YOU ALMOST DIED. TOM BRADY, HI, TOM. TOM BRADY, THE
ONLY
BRADY, HI, TOM. TOM BRADY, THE ONLY GOAT JEFF ROSS HASN'T
TRIED
ONLY GOAT JEFF ROSS HASN'T TRIED TO FUCK. TOM BRADY,
FIVE-TIME
TRIED TO FUCK. TOM BRADY, FIVE-TIME SUPER BOWL MVP, MOST
CAREER
FIVE-TIME SUPER BOWL MVP, MOST CAREER WINS, MOST CAREER
TOUCHDOWNS.
CAREER WINS, MOST CAREER TOUCHDOWNS. YOU HAVE SEVEN
RINGS,
TOUCHDOWNS. YOU HAVE SEVEN RINGS, WELL EIGHT NOW THAT
GISELE
RINGS, WELL EIGHT NOW THAT GISELE GAVE HERS BACK. SORRY,
TOM.
GISELE GAVE HERS BACK. SORRY, TOM. TOM, THE ONLY THING DUMBER
THAN
TOM. TOM, THE ONLY THING DUMBER THAN YOU SAYING YES TO THIS
ROAST
THAN YOU SAYING YES TO THIS ROAST IS WHEN YOU SAID HEY,
BABE,
ROAST IS WHEN YOU SAID HEY, BABE, YOU SHOULD TRY JIU-JITSU.
I
BABE, YOU SHOULD TRY JIU-JITSU. I THINK THAT'S GOT TO SUCK.
DUDE.
I THINK THAT'S GOT TO SUCK. DUDE. HOW MUCH WOULD IT SUCK
FOR
DUDE. HOW MUCH WOULD IT SUCK FOR TOM, OH MY GOD, JUST
KNOWING
FOR TOM, OH MY GOD, JUST KNOWING YOUR EX-WIFE'S NEW
BOYFRIEND
KNOWING YOUR EX-WIFE'S NEW BOYFRIEND CAN BEAT YOUR ASS
WHILE
BOYFRIEND CAN BEAT YOUR ASS WHILE EATING HERS. THAT'S GOT
TO
WHILE EATING HERS. THAT'S GOT TO BE TERRIBLE. OH NO. YOU'LL
BE
TO BE TERRIBLE. OH NO. YOU'LL BE OKAY, TOM. YEAH. YOU'RE
GREAT.
BE OKAY, TOM. YEAH. YOU'RE GREAT. FIRST, YOU'RE THE
HOTTEST
GREAT. FIRST, YOU'RE THE HOTTEST PERSON I'VE EVER SEEN
IN
HOTTEST PERSON I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I SHOULDN'T BE
ABLE
IN MY LIFE. I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU. I CAN'T
EVEN
ABLE TO TALK TO YOU. I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT. YOU SHOULD SEE
THIS
EVEN HANDLE IT. YOU SHOULD SEE THIS UP CLOSE. IT'S INSANE.
LISTEN,
THIS UP CLOSE. IT'S INSANE. LISTEN, TONIGHT THERE'S GOING
TO
LISTEN, TONIGHT THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT ME
BEING
TO BE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT ME BEING LIKE A DEPRAVED CUM
GUZZLING
BEING LIKE A DEPRAVED CUM GUZZLING SHUT. I DO WANT TO SAY
FOR
GUZZLING SHUT. I DO WANT TO SAY FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE A
BOYFRIEND.
FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR
BOYFRIEND. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR TEN YEARS. HE'S THE LOVE
OF
FOR TEN YEARS. HE'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. HE'S HERE TONIGHT.
HE'S
OF MY LIFE. HE'S HERE TONIGHT. HE'S SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE.
I
HE'S SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE. I WANT TO SAY PUBLICLY I WOULD
SHOOT
I WANT TO SAY PUBLICLY I WOULD SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE
FOR
SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE FOR A LOTTERY TICKET TO SUCK
THIS
FOR A LOTTERY TICKET TO SUCK THIS GUY'S DICK. HE'S PERFECT.
HE
THIS GUY'S DICK. HE'S PERFECT. HE WAS ON MY FANTASY TEAM LAST
NIGHT.
HE WAS ON MY FANTASY TEAM LAST NIGHT. MY CLIT HAS CTE NOW. I
WOULD
NIGHT. MY CLIT HAS CTE NOW. I WOULD SHOW YOU, BUT THE NFL IS
MAKING
WOULD SHOW YOU, BUT THE NFL IS MAKING ME COVER IT UP. BUT
SERIOUSLY,
MAKING ME COVER IT UP. BUT SERIOUSLY, TOM. YOU REALLY ARE,
I
SERIOUSLY, TOM. YOU REALLY ARE, I MEAN YOU'RE THE BEST TO EVER
PLAY
I MEAN YOU'RE THE BEST TO EVER PLAY FOR TOO LONG. I MEAN YOU
RETIRED,
PLAY FOR TOO LONG. I MEAN YOU RETIRED, THEN YOU CAME BACK,
AND
RETIRED, THEN YOU CAME BACK, AND THEN YOU RETIRED AGAIN. I
MEAN
AND THEN YOU RETIRED AGAIN. I MEAN I GET IT. IT'S HARD TO
WALK
MEAN I GET IT. IT'S HARD TO WALK AWAY FROM SOMETHING
THAT'S
WALK AWAY FROM SOMETHING THAT'S NOT YOUR PREGNANT
GIRLFRIEND.
THAT'S NOT YOUR PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND. IT'S TOUGH. HEY.
TO
GIRLFRIEND. IT'S TOUGH. HEY. TO BE FAIR, HE DIDN'T KNOW SHE
WAS
TO BE FAIR, HE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT. HE JUST THOUGHT
SHE
WAS PREGNANT. HE JUST THOUGHT SHE WAS GETTING FAT. AND TOM
HATES
SHE WAS GETTING FAT. AND TOM HATES FAT. I MEAN YOU GUYS KNOW
ABOUT
HATES FAT. I MEAN YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT HIS DIET PROGRAM? IT IS
SO
ABOUT HIS DIET PROGRAM? IT IS SO STRICT. BUT IF YOU FOLLOW IT
EXACTLY
SO STRICT. BUT IF YOU FOLLOW IT EXACTLY AS HE DOES, YOU TOO CA
SO STRICT. BUT IF YOU FOLLOW IT EXACTLY AS HE DOES, YOU TOO CAN
LOSE
EXACTLY AS HE DOES, YOU TOO CAN LOSE YOUR FAMILY. AND
SERIOUSLY,
LOSE YOUR FAMILY. AND SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN LOSE SO MUCH
FAMILY.
SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN LOSE SO MUCH FAMILY. IT WORKS. TOM ALSO LOST
$30
FAMILY. IT WORKS. TOM ALSO LOST $30 MILLION IN CRYPTO. TOM, HOW
DID
$30 MILLION IN CRYPTO. TOM, HOW DID YOU FALL FOR THAT? I MEAN
EVEN
DID YOU FALL FOR THAT? I MEAN EVEN GRONK WAS LIKE ME, NO,
THAT'S
EVEN GRONK WAS LIKE ME, NO, THAT'S NOT REAL MONEY. [
LAUGHTER
THAT'S NOT REAL MONEY.
RIGHT?
RIGHT? YOU KNOW. GRONK
RIGHT? YOU KNOW. GRONK-- GRONK
ACTUALLY
RIGHT? YOU KNOW. GRONK-- GRONK ACTUALLY DOES BITCOIN, WHICH IS
WHERE
ACTUALLY DOES BITCOIN, WHICH IS WHERE HE JUST CHEWS ON A
HANDFUL
WHERE HE JUST CHEWS ON A HANDFUL OF NICKELS. I GOT TO
GO,
HANDFUL OF NICKELS. I GOT TO GO, BUT I HAVE ONE MORE THING
TO
GO, BUT I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SAY, AND I PROMISE TO KEEP
IT
TO SAY, AND I PROMISE TO KEEP IT KEVIN HART. TO BE HONEST,
TOM,
IT KEVIN HART. TO BE HONEST, TOM, I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW A
TON
TOM, I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW A TON ABOUT YOUR CAREER BEFORE
THIS.
TON ABOUT YOUR CAREER BEFORE THIS. I ONLY REALLY STARTED
WATCHING
THIS. I ONLY REALLY STARTED WATCHING FOOTBALL WHEN TAYLOR
SWIFT
WATCHING FOOTBALL WHEN TAYLOR SWIFT SAID IT WAS OKAY. BUT
WHAT
SWIFT SAID IT WAS OKAY. BUT WHAT I'VE LEARNED IN ABSOLUTE
AWE
WHAT I'VE LEARNED IN ABSOLUTE AWE OF YOU, YOU WERE A SIXTH
ROUND
AWE OF YOU, YOU WERE A SIXTH ROUND DRAFT PICK THAT REALLY
EVERYONE
ROUND DRAFT PICK THAT REALLY EVERYONE KIND OF COUNTED OUT.
NO
EVERYONE KIND OF COUNTED OUT. NO ONE BELIEVED IN. THEN YOU
BECAME
NO ONE BELIEVED IN. THEN YOU BECAME THIS, YOU BECAME THE
GREATEST
BECAME THIS, YOU BECAME THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. AND IF
I'VE
GREATEST OF ALL TIME. AND IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING, IF I'VE
LEARNED
I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING, IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN
IS
LEARNED ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN IS THAT IF YOU TELL TOM BRADY
HE
IS THAT IF YOU TELL TOM BRADY HE CAN'T DO SOMETHING, NOT
ONLY
HE CAN'T DO SOMETHING, NOT ONLY WILL HE DO IT, BUT HE'LL
DO
ONLY WILL HE DO IT, BUT HE'LL DO IT THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN
DONE.
DO IT THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN DONE. SO I'M HERE TO SAY
TONIGHT,
DONE. SO I'M HERE TO SAY TONIGHT, TOM BRADY CANNOT MAKE
ME
TONIGHT, TOM BRADY CANNOT MAKE ME CUM. LET'S FUCKING GO?
OH
OH MY
OH MY GOD, NIKKI.
FOR
FOR THOSE
FOR THOSE THAT ARE WATCHING AT
HOME,
FOR THOSE THAT ARE WATCHING AT HOME, THIS IS LIVE, AND THAT
WAS
HOME, THIS IS LIVE, AND THAT WAS A STANDING OVATION. WELL
FUCKING
WAS A STANDING OVATION. WELL FUCKING DESERVED. WELL
DESERVED.
FUCKING DESERVED. WELL DESERVED. GODDAM, NIKKI. ME
KNOW
DESERVED. GODDAM, NIKKI. ME KNOW THAT'S NOT REAL MONEY.
OH.
KNOW THAT'S NOT REAL MONEY. OH. OH, I WAS SITTING NEXT TO
ROB.
OH. OH, I WAS SITTING NEXT TO ROB. HE SAID, AFTER YOU SAID
IT,
ROB. HE SAID, AFTER YOU SAID IT, HE'S LIKE I DID. [ LAUGHTER
IT, HE'S LIKE I DID.
NO,
NO, ROB.
NO, ROB. YOU CAN'T HELP, BUT
JOKE,
NO, ROB. YOU CAN'T HELP, BUT JOKE, ROB. SHE'S MAKING FUN OF
YOU.
JOKE, ROB. SHE'S MAKING FUN OF YOU. I DID KNOW. AWE, I LOVE
NIKKI,
YOU. I DID KNOW. AWE, I LOVE NIKKI, MAN. NIKKI, HERE IS A
LITTLE
NIKKI, MAN. NIKKI, HERE IS A LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION
ABOUT
LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION ABOUT NIKKI YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
NIKKI
ABOUT NIKKI YOU DIDN'T KNOW. NIKKI IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A
MENISCUS
NIKKI IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A MENISCUS TEAR IN HER PUSSY.
THIS
MENISCUS TEAR IN HER PUSSY. THIS IS A TRUE STORY, BUT
SHE'S
THIS IS A TRUE STORY, BUT SHE'S ONLY OUT FOR SIX WEEKS,
TOM.
SHE'S ONLY OUT FOR SIX WEEKS, TOM. SHE'LL BE BACK. NIKKI'S
PUSSY
TOM. SHE'LL BE BACK. NIKKI'S PUSSY IS SHAPED LIKE GRONK'S
FLESHLIGHT.
PUSSY IS SHAPED LIKE GRONK'S FLESHLIGHT. I KNOW YOU SAID 50
CENT
FLESHLIGHT. I KNOW YOU SAID 50 CENT HAS ONE, BUT GRONK CAME
USING
CENT HAS ONE, BUT GRONK CAME USING YOU, WHICH IS GOOD, AND
HE
USING YOU, WHICH IS GOOD, AND HE KNEW THAT WAS NOT REAL
PUSSY,
HE KNEW THAT WAS NOT REAL PUSSY, RIGHT, GRONK? THAT'S A
GOOD
PUSSY, RIGHT, GRONK? THAT'S A GOOD CALL BACK IS WHAT THEY'RE
CALLED,
GOOD CALL BACK IS WHAT THEY'RE CALLED, GRONK. OH MY GOD. ONLY
NIKKI
CALLED, GRONK. OH MY GOD. ONLY NIKKI COULD HOST A SHOW CALLED
FUCK
NIKKI COULD HOST A SHOW CALLED FUCK BOY ISLAND AND STILL NOT
GET
FUCK BOY ISLAND AND STILL NOT GET LAID. YOU KNOW, LISTEN, YOU
KNOW
GET LAID. YOU KNOW, LISTEN, YOU KNOW YOU LOST THREE FUCK BOYS,
FUCK
KNOW YOU LOST THREE FUCK BOYS, FUCK BOYS DROWNED TRYING TO GE
KNOW YOU LOST THREE FUCK BOYS, FUCK BOYS DROWNED TRYING TO GET
OFF
FUCK BOYS DROWNED TRYING TO GET OFF THAT ISLAND. WE LOST THREE
GOOD
OFF THAT ISLAND. WE LOST THREE GOOD FUCK BOYS BECAUSE OF YOU,
NIKKI
GOOD FUCK BOYS BECAUSE OF YOU, NIKKI AND THAT BAGGY CLIT. I'M
SICK
NIKKI AND THAT BAGGY CLIT. I'M SICK OF IT. YEAH, FUCK YOU,
TOM.
SICK OF IT. YEAH, FUCK YOU, TOM. ALL RIGHT. NIKKI, IN ALL
SERIOUSNESS,
TOM. ALL RIGHT. NIKKI, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, THAT WAS INSANE.
BRILLIANT
SERIOUSNESS, THAT WAS INSANE. BRILLIANT WRITING, BRILLIANT
TIMING.
BRILLIANT WRITING, BRILLIANT TIMING. GREAT SET. GREAT
FUCKING
TIMING. GREAT SET. GREAT FUCKING SET. THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF
FUCKING SET. THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF ROASTING. THAT'S WHAT IT
IS.
OF ROASTING. THAT'S WHAT IT IS. THERE IS AN ART TO IT. WHEN
YOU
IS. THERE IS AN ART TO IT. WHEN YOU GET IT RIGHT, GODDAM, IT'S
AMAZING.
YOU GET IT RIGHT, GODDAM, IT'S AMAZING. GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO
KEEP
AMAZING. GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THE ENERGY GOING. OUR NEXT
ROAST
KEEP THE ENERGY GOING. OUR NEXT ROAST IS A BLACK MAN FROM WEST
VIRGINIA.
ROAST IS A BLACK MAN FROM WEST VIRGINIA. WAIT, I'M SORRY,
I'M
VIRGINIA. WAIT, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. HE'S THE BLACK MA
VIRGINIA. WAIT, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. HE'S THE BLACK MAN
FROM
I'M SORRY. HE'S THE BLACK MAN FROM WEST VIRGINIA. PLEASE
WELCOME
FROM WEST VIRGINIA. PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, RANDY
MOSS.
WELCOME TO THE STAGE, RANDY MOSS. COME ON, RANDY.
NOW THEY GOT ME UP AFTER
THESE
NOW THEY GOT ME UP AFTER THESE FIRST TWO ACTS. I CAN
HONESTLY
THESE FIRST TWO ACTS. I CAN HONESTLY TELL YOU GUYS, I'M
NERVOUS.
HONESTLY TELL YOU GUYS, I'M NERVOUS. NIKKI, THAT WAS
FABULOUS.
NERVOUS. NIKKI, THAT WAS FABULOUS. I LOVED THAT. BUT
THANK
FABULOUS. I LOVED THAT. BUT THANK YOU, KEVIN. BUT THANK
YOU,
THANK YOU, KEVIN. BUT THANK YOU, KEVIN. YOU KNOW, WE WANT
TO
YOU, KEVIN. YOU KNOW, WE WANT TO KEEP IT LOCKER ROOM, AND
SINCE
TO KEEP IT LOCKER ROOM, AND SINCE WE ARE IN THE LOCKER
ROOM,
SINCE WE ARE IN THE LOCKER ROOM, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE
PROBABLY
ROOM, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE PROBABLY PLAYED LINEBACKER.
JUNIOR
PROBABLY PLAYED LINEBACKER. JUNIOR JUNIOR SEAU, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
JUNIOR JUNIOR SEAU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. NO, I'VE GOT ONE.
I'VE
GENTLEMEN. NO, I'VE GOT ONE. I'VE GOT ONE. ALL THAT RUNNING
YOU'VE
I'VE GOT ONE. ALL THAT RUNNING YOU'VE BEEN DOING ON
INSTAGRAM,
YOU'VE BEEN DOING ON INSTAGRAM, WE'RE GOING TO GIVE
YOU
INSTAGRAM, WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A MIDGET LEAGUE RUNNING
BACK'S
YOU A MIDGET LEAGUE RUNNING BACK'S NAME. BARELY SANDERS.
HOW
BACK'S NAME. BARELY SANDERS. HOW ABOUT THAT? NO, BUT MAN,
THIS
HOW ABOUT THAT? NO, BUT MAN, THIS SHIT IS TOO EASY, KEVIN.
GET
THIS SHIT IS TOO EASY, KEVIN. GET YOUR ASS IN THE BACK. BUT
REALLY,
GET YOUR ASS IN THE BACK. BUT REALLY, BUT REALLY, I ONLY KNEW
ROB
REALLY, BUT REALLY, I ONLY KNEW ROB GRONKOWSKI FOR A LITTLE
BIT,
ROB GRONKOWSKI FOR A LITTLE BIT, AND WE BONDED OVER A
HUNTING
BIT, AND WE BONDED OVER A HUNTING TRIP. AND ONE THING
THAT
HUNTING TRIP. AND ONE THING THAT I REALLY ENJOYED ABOUT RO
HUNTING TRIP. AND ONE THING THAT I REALLY ENJOYED ABOUT ROB
AND
THAT I REALLY ENJOYED ABOUT ROB AND HIS HUNTING TRIP WAS HE
BROUGHT
AND HIS HUNTING TRIP WAS HE BROUGHT ME BACK THE BIRD
WITHOUT
BROUGHT ME BACK THE BIRD WITHOUT PUTTING HIS TEETH ON
THE
WITHOUT PUTTING HIS TEETH ON THE BIRD. SO BEING THE GOOD BOY
THAT
THE BIRD. SO BEING THE GOOD BOY THAT HE IS, YOU KNOW, I HAD TO
GIVE
THAT HE IS, YOU KNOW, I HAD TO GIVE HIM A TREAT. THAT'S A
GOOD
GIVE HIM A TREAT. THAT'S A GOOD BOY, GRONK. THAT'S A GOOD
BOY.
GOOD BOY, GRONK. THAT'S A GOOD BOY. BUT OKAY, LISTEN, I PLAYED
THREE
BOY. BUT OKAY, LISTEN, I PLAYED THREE SEASONS WITH THE NEW
ENGLAND
THREE SEASONS WITH THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS, OKAY. BEFORE
I
ENGLAND PATRIOTS, OKAY. BEFORE I-- BEFORE I GOT TO THE NEW
ENGLAND
I-- BEFORE I GOT TO THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS, I HEARD OR WE
HEARD
ENGLAND PATRIOTS, I HEARD OR WE HEARD ABOUT SPYGATE. THEN AFTER
I
HEARD ABOUT SPYGATE. THEN AFTER I LEFT, I HEAR ABOUT
DEFLATEGATE.
I LEFT, I HEAR ABOUT DEFLATEGATE. SO I ONLY GOT ONE
QUESTION
DEFLATEGATE. SO I ONLY GOT ONE QUESTION FOR YOU, TOM. WHY THE
FUCK
QUESTION FOR YOU, TOM. WHY THE FUCK DID WE CHEAT WHEN I WAS
THERE?
FUCK DID WE CHEAT WHEN I WAS THERE? I WANTED TO CHEAT TOO.
MY
THERE? I WANTED TO CHEAT TOO. MY KIDS ALWAYS ASK ME, DADDY,
WHY
MY KIDS ALWAYS ASK ME, DADDY, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A RING,
BUT
WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A RING, BUT YOU? YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT
IS
BUT YOU? YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LOOK YOUR KIDS IN THE
EYES
IS TO LOOK YOUR KIDS IN THE EYES AND SAY THEY JUST DON'T
TRUST
EYES AND SAY THEY JUST DON'T TRUST ME ENOUGH TO CHEAT. SO
COME
TRUST ME ENOUGH TO CHEAT. SO COME ON, MAN, HOW DID I MISS
OUT
COME ON, MAN, HOW DID I MISS OUT ON THE FUCKING DYNASTY,
TOM?
OUT ON THE FUCKING DYNASTY, TOM? THE DYNASTY. I MISSED OUT
ON
TOM? THE DYNASTY. I MISSED OUT ON IT. WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
YOU
ON IT. WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU REALLY DEFLATED, TOM, MY
FUCKING
YOU REALLY DEFLATED, TOM, MY FUCKING LEGACY, DUDE. WHERE
WOULD
FUCKING LEGACY, DUDE. WHERE WOULD I BE IF I HAD A RING,
OKAY?
WOULD I BE IF I HAD A RING, OKAY? WHERE WOULD I BE?
EVERYONE
OKAY? WHERE WOULD I BE? EVERYONE WAS CHEATING BACK
THEN.
EVERYONE WAS CHEATING BACK THEN. DAVID CAUGHT A BALL ON
THE
THEN. DAVID CAUGHT A BALL ON THE SIDE OF HIS HELMET WITH A
MAGNET
THE SIDE OF HIS HELMET WITH A MAGNET TIED TO HIS HAND. THE
NEW
MAGNET TIED TO HIS HAND. THE NEW YORK GIANTS WERE CHEATING
BACK
NEW YORK GIANTS WERE CHEATING BACK THEN. BUT EVERYBODY OUT
THERE
BACK THEN. BUT EVERYBODY OUT THERE WAS CHEATING. EVERYBODY,
BUT
THERE WAS CHEATING. EVERYBODY, BUT ME. SO TOM, YOU REMEMBER
OUR
BUT ME. SO TOM, YOU REMEMBER OUR FIRST SEASON TOGETHER?
16-0?
OUR FIRST SEASON TOGETHER? 16-0? HOW ABOUT THOSE 23
TOUCHDOWNS?
OH
TOUCHDOWNS? OH MAN.
THAT'S
OH MAN. THAT'S SOMETHING I NEVER
FORGET.
THAT'S SOMETHING I NEVER FORGET. SO SINCE YOU'RE
FEELING
FORGET. SO SINCE YOU'RE FEELING THIS WAY, ARE YOU
FEELING
FEELING THIS WAY, ARE YOU FEELING GRATEFUL? NIKKI SAID
YOU
FEELING GRATEFUL? NIKKI SAID YOU HAVE EIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE
YOU HAVE EIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE EIGHT? TH
YOU HAVE EIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE EIGHT? THE
FIRST
GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE EIGHT? THE FIRST ONE AGAINST THE RAMS.
THAT'S
FIRST ONE AGAINST THE RAMS. THAT'S THE ONE I WANT. WILLIE
MCGINEST,
THAT'S THE ONE I WANT. WILLIE MCGINEST, HE PLAYED LIKE SHIT
IN
MCGINEST, HE PLAYED LIKE SHIT IN THE SUPER BOWL AGAINST THE
ST.
IN THE SUPER BOWL AGAINST THE ST. LOUIS RAMS. AM I RIGHT?
WHERE
ST. LOUIS RAMS. AM I RIGHT? WHERE ARE YOU AT? HEY LONIE
PAXTON,
WHERE ARE YOU AT? HEY LONIE PAXTON, YOU WERE THE LONG
SNAPPER
PAXTON, YOU WERE THE LONG SNAPPER TO SNAP THE BALL FOR
THE
SNAPPER TO SNAP THE BALL FOR THE GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL, AM
I
THE GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL, AM I RIGHT? THEN YOU BLOCKED FOR
HIS
I RIGHT? THEN YOU BLOCKED FOR HIS SORRY ASS IN THE FIRST
SUPER
HIS SORRY ASS IN THE FIRST SUPER BOWL. SO TOM, THAT'S THE
RINGS
SUPER BOWL. SO TOM, THAT'S THE RINGS THAT I WANT. HOW ABOUT
THAT?
RINGS THAT I WANT. HOW ABOUT THAT? ALL RIGHT. SO NOW YOU
GIVING
THAT? ALL RIGHT. SO NOW YOU GIVING UP A RING TO ME, THAT
WILL
GIVING UP A RING TO ME, THAT WILL FULFILL MY DREAM OF
PLAYING
WILL FULFILL MY DREAM OF PLAYING WITH YOU AS A NEW
ENGLAND
PLAYING WITH YOU AS A NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT. SO NIKKI SAID
THAT
ENGLAND PATRIOT. SO NIKKI SAID THAT YOU TOOK THAT ONE FROM
GISELE.
THAT YOU TOOK THAT ONE FROM GISELE. MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW,
WE'LL
GISELE. MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW, WE'LL LET THE FANS VOTE ON
THAT.
WE'LL LET THE FANS VOTE ON THAT. YOU ALL LOOK ON
INSTAGRAM.
THAT. YOU ALL LOOK ON INSTAGRAM. WE VOTED. RANDY
MOSS,
INSTAGRAM. WE VOTED. RANDY MOSS, SHOULD HE GIVE ME
GISELE'S
MOSS, SHOULD HE GIVE ME GISELE'S RING OR THE FIRST
SUPER
GISELE'S RING OR THE FIRST SUPER BOWL RING THAT HE LOOKED
LIKE
SUPER BOWL RING THAT HE LOOKED LIKE SHIT IN? BUT GRONK HAS
FOUR
LIKE SHIT IN? BUT GRONK HAS FOUR RINGS. GRONK HAS FOUR
RINGS.
FOUR RINGS. GRONK HAS FOUR RINGS. BUT WHEN YOU OPEN UP,
YOU
RINGS. BUT WHEN YOU OPEN UP, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU OPEN UP THE
LABEL,
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU OPEN UP THE LABEL, YOU HAVE TO CHECK
BECAUSE
LABEL, YOU HAVE TO CHECK BECAUSE IT SAYS ON THE BOX ONLY
AGES
BECAUSE IT SAYS ON THE BOX ONLY AGES THREE AND UP. SO REALLY
IT'S
AGES THREE AND UP. SO REALLY IT'S A CHOKING HAZARD, GRONK.
I
IT'S A CHOKING HAZARD, GRONK. I KNOW. BUT LET ME SAY THIS,
DREW
I KNOW. BUT LET ME SAY THIS, DREW BLEDSOE WAS IN THE
FREAKING
DREW BLEDSOE WAS IN THE FREAKING HOSPITAL, AND HE GOT A
SUPER
FREAKING HOSPITAL, AND HE GOT A SUPER BOWL RING. TOM, NATE
EBNER,
SUPER BOWL RING. TOM, NATE EBNER, NATE EBNER, WHO THE FUCK
IS
EBNER, NATE EBNER, WHO THE FUCK IS NATE EBNER, DUDE? HE HAS
THREE
IS NATE EBNER, DUDE? HE HAS THREE SUPER BOWL RINGS. MR.
KRAFT,
THREE SUPER BOWL RINGS. MR. KRAFT, VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS A
RING?
KRAFT, VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS A RING? SO THE TWO GUYS THAT
DEFLATED
RING? SO THE TWO GUYS THAT DEFLATED THE FOOTBALL
RING? SO THE TWO GUYS THAT DEFLATED THE FOOTBALL-- NO,
YOU
DEFLATED THE FOOTBALL-- NO, YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. I'M
SORRY.
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE.
THEY
SORRY. THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE. THEY DESERVED THEM. THEY
DESERVED
THEY DESERVED THEM. THEY DESERVED THEM. THEY DESERVED
THEM.
DESERVED THEM. THEY DESERVED THEM. LOOK, BEFORE I BECAME A
PATRIOT,
THEM. LOOK, BEFORE I BECAME A PATRIOT, YOU WERE AMERICA'S
QUARTERBACK.
PATRIOT, YOU WERE AMERICA'S QUARTERBACK. EVERYONE THOUGHT
YOU
QUARTERBACK. EVERYONE THOUGHT YOU WERE SOFT, BUT I GOT TO SEE
YOUR
YOU WERE SOFT, BUT I GOT TO SEE YOUR TENACITY AND HOW YOU
PREPARED
YOUR TENACITY AND HOW YOU PREPARED FOR THE GAME AND YOU
APPROACHED
PREPARED FOR THE GAME AND YOU APPROACHED THE GAME LIKE A HARD
HITTING
APPROACHED THE GAME LIKE A HARD HITTING LINEBACKER.
EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T WIN IT ALL, I STILL GOT EVERYTHING
THAT
ALL, I STILL GOT EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED BECAUSE I GOT TO
PLAY
THAT I WANTED BECAUSE I GOT TO PLAY WITH THE GREATEST
QUARTERBACK
PLAY WITH THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK HAS EVER LIVED.
AND FOR THREE YEARS, WE SCARED
THE
AND FOR THREE YEARS, WE SCARED THE ENTIRE NATIONAL FOOTBALL
LEAGUE.
THE ENTIRE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. TOM, YOU'RE STILL MY
QUARTERBACK
LEAGUE. TOM, YOU'RE STILL MY QUARTERBACK EVEN THOUGH YOU DI
LEAGUE. TOM, YOU'RE STILL MY QUARTERBACK EVEN THOUGH YOU DID
NOT
QUARTERBACK EVEN THOUGH YOU DID NOT WANT ME TO BE YOUR
ACCOMPLICE.
NOT WANT ME TO BE YOUR ACCOMPLICE. LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN,
ACCOMPLICE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAN, I LOVE THIS
MAN.
GENTLEMEN, MAN, I LOVE THIS MAN. HE GAVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY.
YOU
MAN. HE GAVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY. YOU KNOW THE STORY ABOUT ME
SNEAKING
YOU KNOW THE STORY ABOUT ME SNEAKING IN THE HOTEL TO SEE
HIM.
SNEAKING IN THE HOTEL TO SEE HIM. THEY TOLD ME TO COME UP
HERE
HIM. THEY TOLD ME TO COME UP HERE FOR A ROAST, MAN, AND I
TOLD
HERE FOR A ROAST, MAN, AND I TOLD THEM FOR TOM BRADY, MAN,
I'LL
TOLD THEM FOR TOM BRADY, MAN, I'LL COME AND DO ANYTHING FOR
TOM.
I'LL COME AND DO ANYTHING FOR TOM. THANKS FOR HAVING ME, MAN.
I
TOM. THANKS FOR HAVING ME, MAN. I APPRECIATE YOU GUYS.
WOW. WOW. RANDY MOSS. DID
YOU
WOW. WOW. RANDY MOSS. DID YOU HEAR THAT, TOM? THAT MAN'S
FUCKING
YOU HEAR THAT, TOM? THAT MAN'S FUCKING HURT. HE'S HURT. I CA
YOU HEAR THAT, TOM? THAT MAN'S FUCKING HURT. HE'S HURT. I CAN
GOD
FUCKING HURT. HE'S HURT. I CAN GOD DAM SEE IT. I SEE THE WAY
HE
GOD DAM SEE IT. I SEE THE WAY HE LOOKS AT YOU. YOU GUYS
FUCKED
HE LOOKS AT YOU. YOU GUYS FUCKED HIM OVER, MAN. IT'S
FUCKING
FUCKED HIM OVER, MAN. IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS, MAN. YOU
GODDAMN
FUCKING RIDICULOUS, MAN. YOU GODDAMN PUT HIM IN THE
SITUATION
GODDAMN PUT HIM IN THE SITUATION TO COME UP HERE AND
EXPOSE
SITUATION TO COME UP HERE AND EXPOSE HIMSELF LIKE THAT AS A
BLACK
EXPOSE HIMSELF LIKE THAT AS A BLACK MAN. BY THE WAY, RANDY,
THERE'S
BLACK MAN. BY THE WAY, RANDY, THERE'S ONLY THREE BLACK MEN
UP
THERE'S ONLY THREE BLACK MEN UP HERE, WELL FOUR. YOU'VE GO
THERE'S ONLY THREE BLACK MEN UP HERE, WELL FOUR. YOU'VE GOT
YOU,
UP HERE, WELL FOUR. YOU'VE GOT YOU, ME, WILLIE, SAM, WHO ELSE?
WHAT,
YOU, ME, WILLIE, SAM, WHO ELSE? WHAT, FIVE? SIX? SORRY, NO,
SAM.
WHAT, FIVE? SIX? SORRY, NO, SAM. I WAS GOING DOWN THE LINE,
AND
SAM. I WAS GOING DOWN THE LINE, AND I SWEAR TO GOD
SAM. I WAS GOING DOWN THE LINE, AND I SWEAR TO GOD-- [
LAUGHTER
AND I SWEAR TO GOD-- [ LAUGHTER ] DOES ANYBODY KNOW
RANDY
LAUGHTER ] DOES ANYBODY KNOW RANDY MOSS CAME UP HERE AND
DRESSED
RANDY MOSS CAME UP HERE AND DRESSED LIKE A PUBLIC SCHOOL
SUBSTITUTE
DRESSED LIKE A PUBLIC SCHOOL SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. JESUS
CHRIST.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. JESUS CHRIST. GOD DAMN. RANDY HAS
PROVED
CHRIST. GOD DAMN. RANDY HAS PROVED BLACK PEOPLE CAN BE
WHITE
PROVED BLACK PEOPLE CAN BE WHITE TRASH, RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S
WHITE TRASH, RIGHT THERE. THAT'S IT.
YEAH,
YEAH, LET
YEAH, LET ME START DRINKING.
IT'S
YEAH, LET ME START DRINKING. IT'S GOING TO BE LONG. IT'S
GOING
IT'S GOING TO BE LONG. IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT. OKAY,
RANDY
GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT. OKAY, RANDY IS DONE. WE'RE GOING TO
KEEP
RANDY IS DONE. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP IT GOING, GUYS. LET'S KEEP
IT
KEEP IT GOING, GUYS. LET'S KEEP IT GOING, KEEP IT GOING, KEEP
IT
IT GOING, KEEP IT GOING, KEEP IT GOING, KEEP IT GOING, KEEP
IT
IT GOING, KEEP IT GOING, KEEP IT GOING, THERE YOU GO. ALL
RIGHT.
IT GOING, THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT. GUYS, NEXT FOR A VERY
SPECIAL
RIGHT. GUYS, NEXT FOR A VERY SPECIAL TOAST, RIGHT? THIS
TOAST
SPECIAL TOAST, RIGHT? THIS TOAST HAS TO COME FROM SOMEBODY
WORTHY
TOAST HAS TO COME FROM SOMEBODY WORTHY OF A MOMENT AND SUCH. A
SPECIAL
WORTHY OF A MOMENT AND SUCH. A SPECIAL FRIEND AND A SPECIAL
LADY,
SPECIAL FRIEND AND A SPECIAL LADY, KIM KARDASHIAN. COME ON.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, KEVIN. WELL, THANK YOU.
I
I KNOW
I KNOW A
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE FUN
OF
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR HEIGHT
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR HEIGHT-- ALL RIGHT,
ALL
OF YOUR HEIGHT-- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WHOA,
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA.
ALL
WHOA. ALL RIGHT, KEVIN. I KNOW A
LOT
ALL RIGHT, KEVIN. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR
HEIGHT,
LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR HEIGHT, BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW
HEIGHT, BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW IS YOU'RE ALSO PRETTY
MEAN,
KNOW IS YOU'RE ALSO PRETTY MEAN, WHICH MAKES YOU THE
SMALLEST
MEAN, WHICH MAKES YOU THE SMALLEST BLACK DICK I'VE EVER
SEEN.
SMALLEST BLACK DICK I'VE EVER SEEN. ALL RIGHT, SORRY, GUYS. I
WOULD
SEEN. ALL RIGHT, SORRY, GUYS. I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN JOKES FOR
YOU,
WOULD HAVE WRITTEN JOKES FOR YOU,BUT I LITERALLY DON'T
KNOW
YOU,BUT I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. OKAY, BUT
I'M
KNOW WHO YOU ARE. OKAY, BUT I'M REALLY HERE TONIGHT FOR
TOM.
I'M REALLY HERE TONIGHT FOR TOM. I WASN'T GOING TO COME
TONIGHT,
TOM. I WASN'T GOING TO COME TONIGHT, BUT SINCE I'M NOT
HERE
TONIGHT, BUT SINCE I'M NOT HERE AS TOM'S DATE, THERE IS
STILL
HERE AS TOM'S DATE, THERE IS STILL A GOOD CHANCE I MIGHT.
SPEAKING
STILL A GOOD CHANCE I MIGHT. SPEAKING OF TOM AND I DATING, I
KNOW
SPEAKING OF TOM AND I DATING, I KNOW THERE WERE SOME RUMORS
THAT
KNOW THERE WERE SOME RUMORS THAT WE WERE, AND I NEVER SAY
IF
THAT WE WERE, AND I NEVER SAY IF WE DID OR NOT, I WOULD JUST
RELEASE
IF WE DID OR NOT, I WOULD JUST RELEASE THE TAPE. BUT I DO KNOW
IT
RELEASE THE TAPE. BUT I DO KNOW IT WOULD NEVER WORK OUT. AN
EX-ATHLETE,
IT WOULD NEVER WORK OUT. AN EX-ATHLETE, HIGH CHEEKBONES,
SILKY
EX-ATHLETE, HIGH CHEEKBONES, SILKY HAIR. YOU REMIND ME TOO
MUCH
SILKY HAIR. YOU REMIND ME TOO MUCH OF MY STEP DAD NOW. A PART
OF
MUCH OF MY STEP DAD NOW. A PART OF ME THINKS YOU WOULD WANT TO
TRY
OF ME THINKS YOU WOULD WANT TO TRY ON MY CLOTHES. I KNOW THE
TRANSITION
TRY ON MY CLOTHES. I KNOW THE TRANSITION FROM THE NFL MUST
HAVE
TRANSITION FROM THE NFL MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY HARD, BUT I
THINK
HAVE BEEN REALLY HARD, BUT I THINK MY STEP DAD IS A GREAT
EXAMPLE
THINK MY STEP DAD IS A GREAT EXAMPLE FOR YOU. SHE'S ONE OF
THE
EXAMPLE FOR YOU. SHE'S ONE OF THE BEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD
TO
THE BEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD TO PROVE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IN
THIS
TO PROVE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IN THIS NEXT CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU
THIS NEXT CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN BECOME A COMMENTATOR, A
FAR
YOU CAN BECOME A COMMENTATOR, A FAR RIGHT REPUBLICAN, OR EVEN A
STRONG
FAR RIGHT REPUBLICAN, OR EVEN A STRONG CONFIDENT WOMAN. NO,
SERIOUSLY,
STRONG CONFIDENT WOMAN. NO, SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT IS SO
GREAT
SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT IS SO GREAT THE WAY THAT YOU'RE
SHOWING
GREAT THE WAY THAT YOU'RE SHOWING EVERYONE THAT EVEN
AFTER
SHOWING EVERYONE THAT EVEN AFTER WINNING SEVEN SUPER
BOWLS,
AFTER WINNING SEVEN SUPER BOWLS, YOU CAN STILL HAVE A
MIDLIFE
BOWLS, YOU CAN STILL HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS. HONESTLY IT'S
HARD
MIDLIFE CRISIS. HONESTLY IT'S HARD FOR ME TO WATCH PEOPLE
ROAST
HARD FOR ME TO WATCH PEOPLE ROAST YOU, BUT I THINK ENOUGH
OF
ROAST YOU, BUT I THINK ENOUGH OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE
HELPED
OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE HELPED DEFEND FORMER FOOTBALL
PLAYERS.
SO I'M JUST HERE TONIGHT TO
SUPPORT
SO I'M JUST HERE TONIGHT TO SUPPORT YOU AND CELEBRATE YOU.
RETIREMENT
SUPPORT YOU AND CELEBRATE YOU. RETIREMENT ISN'T EASY. IT CAN
BE
RETIREMENT ISN'T EASY. IT CAN BE A LOT LIKE A BAD BREAKUP. SO
I'LL
BE A LOT LIKE A BAD BREAKUP. SO I'LL GIVE YOU THE SAME ADVICE
THAT
I'LL GIVE YOU THE SAME ADVICE THAT I GIVE ALL MY EXES, GOOD
LUCK
THAT I GIVE ALL MY EXES, GOOD LUCK KNOWING THE BEST IS BEHIND
YOU.
LUCK KNOWING THE BEST IS BEHIND YOU. CONGRATULATIONS, TOM.
CHEERS,
YOU. CONGRATULATIONS, TOM. CHEERS, EVERYONE TO TOM BRADY.
IT'S GOOD SHIT, KIM. GIVE IT UP FOR KIM
KARDASHIAN,
GIVE IT UP FOR KIM KARDASHIAN, EVERYBODY. YES.
BEAUTIFUL.
KARDASHIAN, EVERYBODY. YES. BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU, KIM. HAVE
A
BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU, KIM. HAVE A SEAT. WE'RE GOING TO AUCTION
OFF
A SEAT. WE'RE GOING TO AUCTION OFF YOUR SEAT CUSHION LATER TO
RAISE
OFF YOUR SEAT CUSHION LATER TO RAISE MONEY FOR ERECTILE
DYSFUNCTION.
RAISE MONEY FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. WE'RE LIVE ON
NETFLIX.
DYSFUNCTION. WE'RE LIVE ON NETFLIX. IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING
IN,
NETFLIX. IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN, THIS IS NOT LOVE ON THE
SPECTRUM.
IN, THIS IS NOT LOVE ON THE SPECTRUM. THIS IS HATE IN THE
FORUM.
SPECTRUM. THIS IS HATE IN THE FORUM. EVERYBODY'S HERE. I'VE
GOT
FORUM. EVERYBODY'S HERE. I'VE GOT SO MANY FRIENDS HERE. LOOK,
MARCO
GOT SO MANY FRIENDS HERE. LOOK, MARCO ANDRETTI IS HERE. I BET
YOU
MARCO ANDRETTI IS HERE. I BET YOU TWO LAID DOWN A LOT OF
RUBBER.
YOU TWO LAID DOWN A LOT OF RUBBER. DOES HE EVER FINISH
FIRST?
RUBBER. DOES HE EVER FINISH FIRST? [ LAUGHTER
RUBBER. DOES HE EVER FINISH FIRST? [ LAUGHTER ] GREAT JOB,
KIM.
FIRST? [ LAUGHTER ] GREAT JOB, KIM. CAITLYN JENNER WANTED TO
BE
KIM. CAITLYN JENNER WANTED TO BE HERE, BUT SHE WAS CONFUSED
BY
BE HERE, BUT SHE WAS CONFUSED BY THE TUCK ROLL. IT'S MY
HONOR
BY THE TUCK ROLL. IT'S MY HONOR TO BRING UP OUR NEXT ACT.
ARE
HONOR TO BRING UP OUR NEXT ACT. ARE YOU READY, MOTHER FUCKERS?
PLEASE WELCOME BERT KREISCHER,
TOM
PLEASE WELCOME BERT KREISCHER, TOM SEGURA, THE TWO BEARS!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, JEFF
FOR
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, JEFF FOR TURNING THIS SPECIAL NIGHT
INTO
FOR TURNING THIS SPECIAL NIGHT INTO ONE MORE OPPORTUNITY YOU
COULDN'T
INTO ONE MORE OPPORTUNITY YOU COULDN'T TURN DOWN.
GOD,
COULDN'T TURN DOWN. GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING
WHORE.
GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING WHORE. AND THAT'S COMING FROM
ME,
WHORE. AND THAT'S COMING FROM ME, JEFF.
THANK
ME, JEFF. THANK YOU FOR INVITING US TO
CELEBRATE
THANK YOU FOR INVITING US TO CELEBRATE THE GOAT WG.
WAIT,
CELEBRATE THE GOAT WG. WAIT, WHAT'S THAT? WAIT?
GOAT
WAIT, WHAT'S THAT? WAIT? GOAT WG?
GREATEST
GOAT WG? GREATEST OF ALL TIME WHITE
GUY.
AWE,
GUY. AWE, FUCK YEAH.
YOU
AWE, FUCK YEAH. YOU KNOW, OUR PEOPLE DON'T
GET
YOU KNOW, OUR PEOPLE DON'T GET MANY DAYS LIKE THESE
ANYMORE.
NO,
ANYMORE. NO, WE REALLY DON'T.
NETFLIX
NO, WE REALLY DON'T. NETFLIX IS HOPING SOME TRANS
AMPUTEE
NETFLIX IS HOPING SOME TRANS AMPUTEE SKIER WAS POPULAR
ENOUGH
AMPUTEE SKIER WAS POPULAR ENOUGH TO DO THIS, BUT INSTEAD
THEY
ENOUGH TO DO THIS, BUT INSTEAD THEY SETTLED FOR THE GREATEST
WHITE
THEY SETTLED FOR THE GREATEST WHITE GUY ALIVE. IT'S RARE
THAT
WHITE GUY ALIVE. IT'S RARE THAT THEY LET US HAVE A NIGHT.
THEY
THAT THEY LET US HAVE A NIGHT. THEY HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM
US.
THEY HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM US. GOLF, TENNIS, HOCKEY, AND
EVEN
US. GOLF, TENNIS, HOCKEY, AND EVEN BASEBALL, ONCE AMERICA'S
PAST
EVEN BASEBALL, ONCE AMERICA'S PAST TIME ISN'T EVEN PLAYED BY
AMERICANS
PAST TIME ISN'T EVEN PLAYED BY AMERICANS NOW. [ SPEAKING
FOREIGN
AMERICANS NOW. [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE
AMERICANS NOW.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
YOU
FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] YOU FUCKING TRAITOR.
BUT
YOU FUCKING TRAITOR. BUT TONIGHT ISN'T ABOUT
THEM.
BUT TONIGHT ISN'T ABOUT THEM. IT'S ABOUT THIS
INCREDIBLE
THEM. IT'S ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE WHITE AMERICAN MAN.
TWO
INCREDIBLE WHITE AMERICAN MAN. TWO SOLID WHITES.
YEAH.
AND
YEAH. AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TONIGHT
AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT ISN'T JUST ABOUT TOM
BRADY'S
TONIGHT ISN'T JUST ABOUT TOM BRADY'S DREAM OF SECURING A
FUTURE
BRADY'S DREAM OF SECURING A FUTURE FOR WHITE CHILDREN IN
THIS
FUTURE FOR WHITE CHILDREN IN THIS COUNTRY.
NO,
THIS COUNTRY. NO, IT ISN'T. TONIGHT IS
ABOUT
NO, IT ISN'T. TONIGHT IS ABOUT CELEBRATING EVERYTHING
TOM
ABOUT CELEBRATING EVERYTHING TOM BRADY STANDS FOR.
HE
TOM BRADY STANDS FOR. HE IS SO GOOD LOOKING.
OH.
HE IS SO GOOD LOOKING. OH. HE'S FUCKING GORGEOUS.
LOOK
OH. HE'S FUCKING GORGEOUS. LOOK AT HIS FUCKING PICTURE.
[
LOOK AT HIS FUCKING PICTURE. [ LAUGHTER
LOOK AT HIS FUCKING PICTURE.
WHO
LOOK AT HIS FUCKING PICTURE. WHO FUCKING TAKES
THIS
WHO FUCKING TAKES THIS PICTURE? WAS HE PREGNANT?
FUCK!
IT'S
FUCK! IT'S FUCKING GAY AS SHIT.
HE
IT'S FUCKING GAY AS SHIT. HE--
THAT'S
HE-- THAT'S YOU! THAT'S YOU.
HE'S
THAT'S YOU! THAT'S YOU. HE'S ALSO, HE IS ALSO
RELENTLESS.
OH,
RELENTLESS. OH, YOU CAN'T TELL THAT GUY
NO.
OH, YOU CAN'T TELL THAT GUY NO. AND HE HAS THAT ONE THING
THAT
NO. AND HE HAS THAT ONE THING THAT ONLY SPECIAL MEN HAVE.
HE'S
THAT ONLY SPECIAL MEN HAVE. HE'S HIV POSITIVE?
NO.
HE'S HIV POSITIVE? NO. THAT WAS MAGIC, AND IT
HAPPENED
NO. THAT WAS MAGIC, AND IT HAPPENED RIGHT HERE IN THIS
BUILDING.
HAPPENED RIGHT HERE IN THIS BUILDING. SO MUCH FUCKING. BUT
WHAT
BUILDING. SO MUCH FUCKING. BUT WHAT TOM BRADY HAS IS THAT
KILLER
WHAT TOM BRADY HAS IS THAT KILLER INSTINCT.
WHICH
KILLER INSTINCT. WHICH MAKES NETFLIX THE
PERFECT
WHICH MAKES NETFLIX THE PERFECT PLACE FOR TOM BRADY.
YES.
PERFECT PLACE FOR TOM BRADY. YES. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ON
PERFECT PLACE FOR TOM BRADY. YES. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE
THING
YES. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING NETFLIX LOVES, IT'S
SERIAL
THING NETFLIX LOVES, IT'S SERIAL KILLERS.
DON'T
SERIAL KILLERS. DON'T BELIEVE US? LET US
COMPARE
DON'T BELIEVE US? LET US COMPARE HIM WITH ANOTHER FAMOUS
TV.
COMPARE HIM WITH ANOTHER FAMOUS TV. TED BUNDY. FUCK, HE'S
GORGEOUS
TV. TED BUNDY. FUCK, HE'S GORGEOUS TOO. I THINK I MIGHT
NEED
GORGEOUS TOO. I THINK I MIGHT NEED A NEW HALL PASS.
BUNDY
NEED A NEW HALL PASS. BUNDY HAS SO MANY EMOTIONAL
TRAITS
BUNDY HAS SO MANY EMOTIONAL TRAITS THAT TOM HAS. LET'S TAKE
A
TRAITS THAT TOM HAS. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
WAIT,
A LOOK. WAIT, WHAT'S THIS?
THIS
WAIT, WHAT'S THIS? THIS IS THE TRACK LIST. IT
HAS
THIS IS THE TRACK LIST. IT HAS HELPED ME UNDERSTAND MY
WIFE
HAS HELPED ME UNDERSTAND MY WIFE BETTER. AND AS YOU CAN
SEE,
WIFE BETTER. AND AS YOU CAN SEE, TOM BRADY CHECKS ALL THE
BOXES.
MAYBE
BOXES. MAYBE THEY SHOULD CALL IT
THE
MAYBE THEY SHOULD CALL IT THE BRADY LIST?
BELIEVE
THE BRADY LIST? BELIEVE ME, BERT, ONE DAY
THEY
BELIEVE ME, BERT, ONE DAY THEY WILL. GLIBNESS SUPERFICIAL
CHARM,
THEY WILL. GLIBNESS SUPERFICIAL CHARM, BRADY'S GOT IT.
HOW
CHARM, BRADY'S GOT IT. HOW DOES A SMILE JUST
DISAPPEAR
HOW DOES A SMILE JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT?
IT
DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT? IT DOESN'T END THERE, BERT.
GRANDIOSE
IT DOESN'T END THERE, BERT. GRANDIOSE SENSE OF SELF-WORTH.
THIS
GRANDIOSE SENSE OF SELF-WORTH. THIS MOTHER FUCKER'S GOT IT.
TO
THIS MOTHER FUCKER'S GOT IT. TO BE FAIR, GISELE GOT HALF
THAT
TO BE FAIR, GISELE GOT HALF THAT CHECK.
YEAH,
THAT CHECK. YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
FUCK
YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD POINT. FUCK YOU, IS SHE HERE? THEN
SHUT
FUCK YOU, IS SHE HERE? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP.
BRADY
SHUT THE FUCK UP. BRADY EVEN HAS THE NEED FOR
STIMULATION
BRADY EVEN HAS THE NEED FOR STIMULATION PRONE TO BOREDOM
THAT
STIMULATION PRONE TO BOREDOM THAT ALL THE PSYCHOS HAVE. I'M
RETIRED,
THAT ALL THE PSYCHOS HAVE. I'M RETIRED, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT
RETIRED.
RETIRED, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT RETIRED. TOM BRADY IS 100% A
PSYCHOPATH.
RETIRED. TOM BRADY IS 100% A PSYCHOPATH. HE'S FROM NORTHERN
CALIFORNIA
PSYCHOPATH. HE'S FROM NORTHERN CALIFORNIA LIKE THE ZODIAC
KILLER.
HE
KILLER. HE CHOKED A COUPLE OF TIMES
IN
HE CHOKED A COUPLE OF TIMES IN NEW ENGLAND LIKE THE BOSTON
STRANGLER.
YEAH.
AND
YEAH. AND HE CHEWED UP AND SPAT
OUT
AND HE CHEWED UP AND SPAT OUT THE COMPETITION JUST LIKE
DAHMER.
WHAT
DAHMER. WHAT ABOUT ANOTHER NETFLIX
DOCUMENTARY,
WHAT ABOUT ANOTHER NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY, DARLING JEFFREY
EPSTEIN?
WELL,
EPSTEIN? WELL, HE WASN'T A SERIAL
KILLER.
WELL, HE WASN'T A SERIAL KILLER. HE JUST HAD A SEX
TRAFFICKING
KILLER. HE JUST HAD A SEX TRAFFICKING RING. UNLIKE TOM,
IT
TRAFFICKING RING. UNLIKE TOM, IT WAS A RING HE EARNED
LEGITIMATELY
IT WAS A RING HE EARNED LEGITIMATELY WITHOUT CHEATING.
HE
HE IS
HE IS AN
HE IS AN ICE COLD KILLER.
NO.
HE IS AN ICE COLD KILLER. NO. THAT WAS AARON
HERNANDEZ,
NO. THAT WAS AARON HERNANDEZ, TOM'S BESTIE. AND
FAVORITE
HERNANDEZ, TOM'S BESTIE. AND FAVORITE TARGET. LOOK AT THIS,
JUST
FAVORITE TARGET. LOOK AT THIS, JUST A COUPLE OF GOOFBALLS
HAVING
JUST A COUPLE OF GOOFBALLS HAVING A LAUGH.
OH
HAVING A LAUGH. OH MY GOD.
WHAT?
I
WHAT? I JUST REALIZED, IT HIT ME.
TOM
I JUST REALIZED, IT HIT ME. TOM BRADY IS JUST LIKE ANOTHER
FAMOUS
TOM BRADY IS JUST LIKE ANOTHER FAMOUS NOT-SO-NICE GUY.
WAIT,
FAMOUS NOT-SO-NICE GUY. WAIT, YOU MEAN THAT
NOTORIOUS
WAIT, YOU MEAN THAT NOTORIOUS TEAM LEADER WHO WAS
TOLD
NOTORIOUS TEAM LEADER WHO WAS TOLD HE WASN'T ANY GOOD, BUT
HE
TOLD HE WASN'T ANY GOOD, BUT HE STILL PUSHED THROUGH AND
MADE
HE STILL PUSHED THROUGH AND MADE SURE EVERYONE KNEW HIS
NAME?
YOU
NAME? YOU GOT IT. HITLER!
YEAH.
THEY'RE
YEAH. THEY'RE SO ALIKE. THE ONLY
DIFFERENCE
THEY'RE SO ALIKE. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THEY LOOK SO CUTE
TOGETHER.
THEY
TOGETHER. THEY DO.
THE
THEY DO. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
TOM
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOM BRADY AND HITLER IS THAT
HITLER
TOM BRADY AND HITLER IS THAT HITLER STUCK WITH HIS WIFE
UNTIL
HITLER STUCK WITH HIS WIFE UNTIL THE END.
AT
UNTIL THE END. AT LEAST, AT LEAST HITLER
HAD
AT LEAST, AT LEAST HITLER HAD THE BALLS TO DO WHAT WE
WISH
HAD THE BALLS TO DO WHAT WE WISH BRADY WOULD. PUT A BULLET
IN
WISH BRADY WOULD. PUT A BULLET IN HIS HEAD.
STAY
IN HIS HEAD. STAY RETIRED.
TOM
STAY RETIRED. TOM BRADY, YOU ARE A
TERRIFYING
TOM BRADY, YOU ARE A TERRIFYING MAN, AND WE ARE SO
GLAD
TERRIFYING MAN, AND WE ARE SO GLAD YOU FOUND FOOTBALL BEFORE
HOOKERS
GLAD YOU FOUND FOOTBALL BEFORE HOOKERS AND GENOCIDE. PLEASE
NOTE
HOOKERS AND GENOCIDE. PLEASE NOTE THESE ARE ALL JUST JOKES,
AND
NOTE THESE ARE ALL JUST JOKES, AND WE DO NOT WANT TO DIE.
YEAH.
AND WE DO NOT WANT TO DIE. YEAH. SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU
ARE
YEAH. SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU ARE THE BEST. THANK YOU FOR
HAVING
ARE THE BEST. THANK YOU FOR HAVING US. PLEASE DON'T KILL
US.
HAVING US. PLEASE DON'T KILL US. WE REALLY WANT TO LIVE. WE
HAVE
US. WE REALLY WANT TO LIVE. WE HAVE FAMILIES.
PLEASE,
HAVE FAMILIES. PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL
US,
PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL US, TOM. THANK YOU.
WOW.
US, TOM. THANK YOU. WOW. WOW. WOW, WOW, WOW.
GUYS,
WOW. WOW. WOW, WOW, WOW. GUYS, WE ARE HAVING AN AMAZING
NIGHT.
GUYS, WE ARE HAVING AN AMAZING NIGHT. ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS,
YOU
NIGHT. ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, YOU JUST NEED TO GO OUT AND
CHECK
YOU JUST NEED TO GO OUT AND CHECK ON PEOPLE, RIGHT? HOW AR
YOU JUST NEED TO GO OUT AND CHECK ON PEOPLE, RIGHT? HOW ARE
YOU
CHECK ON PEOPLE, RIGHT? HOW ARE YOU DOING, MAN? IT'S THE
GODDAMN
YOU DOING, MAN? IT'S THE GODDAMN TABLE FULL OF FIGHTERS.
THEY
GODDAMN TABLE FULL OF FIGHTERS. THEY THERE, ARE YOU HAVING A
GOOD
THEY THERE, ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME? I'M NOT GOING TO
FUCK
GOOD TIME? I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU. WERE YOU ABOUT TO HIT
ME?
FUCK YOU. WERE YOU ABOUT TO HIT ME? JESUS CHRIST, RACISM IN
REAL
ME? JESUS CHRIST, RACISM IN REAL TIME. HOW YOU DOING, BIG
GUY?
REAL TIME. HOW YOU DOING, BIG GUY? SIT DOWN, BOSS. SAY HELLO.
WE'RE
GUY? SIT DOWN, BOSS. SAY HELLO. WE'RE KILLING TIME RIGHT NOW.
BUT
WE'RE KILLING TIME RIGHT NOW. BUT DO YOUR COOL FACE RIGHT
NOW.
BUT DO YOUR COOL FACE RIGHT NOW. NAH, THAT LOOKS STUPID.
MOVE.
NOW. NAH, THAT LOOKS STUPID. MOVE. YOU FUCKING BLEW IT. LOOK
AT
MOVE. YOU FUCKING BLEW IT. LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OVER
HERE.
AT THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OVER HERE. HERE IS MY WIFE AND HER
TWO
HERE. HERE IS MY WIFE AND HER TWO BROTHERS. THAT'S DOM AND
THAT'S
TWO BROTHERS. THAT'S DOM AND THAT'S KYLE. AND THIS IS MY
WIFE.
THAT'S KYLE. AND THIS IS MY WIFE. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE'RE
SET.
WIFE. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE'RE SET. WE ARE GOING TO KEEP IT
GOING.
SET. WE ARE GOING TO KEEP IT GOING. OH MY GOD. WHAT AN
AMAZING
GOING. OH MY GOD. WHAT AN AMAZING TIME THAT WE ARE ABOUT
TO
AMAZING TIME THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO HAVE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LADIES
TO HAVE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITH THAT
BEING
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITH THAT BEING SAID, MAKE SOME NOISE FO
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITH THAT BEING SAID, MAKE SOME NOISE FOR
A
BEING SAID, MAKE SOME NOISE FOR A FRIEND, A FUNNY FAVORITE OF
MINE,
A FRIEND, A FUNNY FAVORITE OF MINE, SAM JAY.
WOW, IT
WOW, IT IS TRULY AMAZING TO
BE
WOW, IT IS TRULY AMAZING TO BE HERE, SERIOUSLY. I'M FROM
BOSTON.
BE HERE, SERIOUSLY. I'M FROM BOSTON. SO I'M ABSOLUTELY
HONORED.
BOSTON. SO I'M ABSOLUTELY HONORED. I HAVE TO THANK
NETFLIX,
HONORED. I HAVE TO THANK NETFLIX, AND ALSO I WANT TO SAY
CONGRATULATIONS
NETFLIX, AND ALSO I WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU,
NETFLIX.
CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU, NETFLIX. YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
YOU'VE
NETFLIX. YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN. YOU'VE MADE ANOTHER WHITE MAN
A
YOU'VE MADE ANOTHER WHITE MAN A MEDIOCRE STAR. BERT, YOU ARE
TRULY
A MEDIOCRE STAR. BERT, YOU ARE TRULY TALENTLESS. YOU ARE A
DISGRACE
TRULY TALENTLESS. YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE LEGACY OF FAT
FUNNY
DISGRACE TO THE LEGACY OF FAT FUNNY SUPER STARS. IF YOU WERE
ACTUALLY
FUNNY SUPER STARS. IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY TALENTED, YOU WOULD
HAVE
ACTUALLY TALENTED, YOU WOULD HAVE OVERDOSED IN A HOTEL ROOM
A
HAVE OVERDOSED IN A HOTEL ROOM A LONG TIME AGO. FARLEY, THESE
WERE
A LONG TIME AGO. FARLEY, THESE WERE GREAT MEN. THEY KNEW HOW
TO
WERE GREAT MEN. THEY KNEW HOW TO LIVE. THEY ATE HEART
CLOGGING
TO LIVE. THEY ATE HEART CLOGGING STEAKS, THEY FUCKED
PROSTITUTES,
CLOGGING STEAKS, THEY FUCKED PROSTITUTES, THEY DID MOUNTAINS
OF
PROSTITUTES, THEY DID MOUNTAINS OF COCAINE. THEY WENT OUT LIKE
FUCKING
OF COCAINE. THEY WENT OUT LIKE FUCKING ROCK STARS. BERT, YOU
DON'T
FUCKING ROCK STARS. BERT, YOU DON'T DO DRUGS AND YOU ONLY
FUCK
DON'T DO DRUGS AND YOU ONLY FUCK YOUR WIFE. YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW
FUCK YOUR WIFE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE
FUCK YOUR WIFE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE-- [ LAUGHTER
FUCK YOUR WIFE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE--
YOU
YOU DON'T
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE
FAT
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE FAT AND FAMOUS RIGHT. YOU'RE
GOING
FAT AND FAMOUS RIGHT. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FROM TOO MUCH
KOOL-AID
GOING TO DIE FROM TOO MUCH KOOL-AID IN THE SHRIMP AND
CHOKING
KOOL-AID IN THE SHRIMP AND CHOKING ON JOE ROGEN'S DICK. I
WAS
CHOKING ON JOE ROGEN'S DICK. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT AI, BUT BERT,
YOU'RE
WAS WORRIED ABOUT AI, BUT BERT, YOU'RE PROOF THAT A MACHINE
CAN
YOU'RE PROOF THAT A MACHINE CAN WRITE A GOOD SCRIPT. YOU'RE
AN
CAN WRITE A GOOD SCRIPT. YOU'RE AN EXAMPLE OF RACISM BEING
ALIVE
AN EXAMPLE OF RACISM BEING ALIVE AND WELL. BECAUSE FOR A
SHIRTLESS
ALIVE AND WELL. BECAUSE FOR A SHIRTLESS FAT BLACK MAN TO MAKE
YOUR
SHIRTLESS FAT BLACK MAN TO MAKE YOUR KIND OF MONEY, HE HAD TO
GET
YOUR KIND OF MONEY, HE HAD TO GET HIT BY A WAL-MART TRUCK.
DREW,
GET HIT BY A WAL-MART TRUCK. DREW, IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU
HERE,
DREW, IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU HERE, BRO. HONESTLY, I'M FROM
BOSTON,
HERE, BRO. HONESTLY, I'M FROM BOSTON, SO YOU KNOW THIS FEELS
REALLY
BOSTON, SO YOU KNOW THIS FEELS REALLY GOOD. I GREW UP HEARING
YOUR
REALLY GOOD. I GREW UP HEARING YOUR NAME AROUND MY HOUSE. YOU
KNOW,
YOUR NAME AROUND MY HOUSE. YOU KNOW, THEY'D BE LIKE YEAH,
DREW
KNOW, THEY'D BE LIKE YEAH, DREW BLEDSOE SUCKS. THAT BIG
ASS
DREW BLEDSOE SUCKS. THAT BIG ASS WHITE BOY CAN'T RUN FOR
SHIT.
ASS WHITE BOY CAN'T RUN FOR SHIT. THAT NIGGA GOT A POTATO
FACE.
SHIT. THAT NIGGA GOT A POTATO FACE. SHIT LIKE THAT. I JUST
WANT
FACE. SHIT LIKE THAT. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M NOT LIKE
THAT.
WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M NOT LIKE THAT. I'M APPALLED, YOU KNOW
WHAT
THAT. I'M APPALLED, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I HAVE EMPATHY. I
KNOW
WHAT I MEAN? I HAVE EMPATHY. I KNOW IT MUST BE HARD TO BE A
FUCKING
KNOW IT MUST BE HARD TO BE A FUCKING LOSER. SERIOUSLY, DUDE.
WHAT
FUCKING LOSER. SERIOUSLY, DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? THIS DUDE INVESTED YOU IN
EVERY
HERE? THIS DUDE INVESTED YOU IN EVERY WAY, SO WE KNOW YOU HATE
HIM.
EVERY WAY, SO WE KNOW YOU HATE HIM. YOU WENT FIRST, HE WENT
SIXTH,
HIM. YOU WENT FIRST, HE WENT SIXTH, AND HE STILL TOOK YOUR
SPOT
SIXTH, AND HE STILL TOOK YOUR SPOT AND SENT YOU OFF TO
BUFFALO.
SPOT AND SENT YOU OFF TO BUFFALO. HE'S BEEN CUCKING YO
SPOT AND SENT YOU OFF TO BUFFALO. HE'S BEEN CUCKING YOU
FOR
BUFFALO. HE'S BEEN CUCKING YOU FOR YEARS. HERE YOU SIT, YOU
LIKE
FOR YEARS. HERE YOU SIT, YOU LIKE THAT SHIT, DON'T YOU, YO
FOR YEARS. HERE YOU SIT, YOU LIKE THAT SHIT, DON'T YOU, YOU
SICK
LIKE THAT SHIT, DON'T YOU, YOU SICK FUCK. TOM, DO US A FAVOR
AND
SICK FUCK. TOM, DO US A FAVOR AND FUCK THIS DUDE'S WIFE
ALREADY
AND FUCK THIS DUDE'S WIFE ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH.
THE
ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH. THE ONLY RING YOU HAVE IS THE
ONE
THE ONLY RING YOU HAVE IS THE ONE TOM WON FOR YOU. SO YOUR
SUPER
ONE TOM WON FOR YOU. SO YOUR SUPER BOWL RING IS JUST LIKE MY
STRAP-ON.
SUPER BOWL RING IS JUST LIKE MY STRAP-ON. JUST BECAUSE YOU WEAR
IT,
STRAP-ON. JUST BECAUSE YOU WEAR IT, IT DOESN'T MAKE IT REAL.
DREW,
DREW, HONESTLY IF YOU PUT
YOURSELF
DREW, HONESTLY IF YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR MISERY
TONIGHT,
YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR MISERY TONIGHT, WE WOULD ALL
UNDERSTAND.
TONIGHT, WE WOULD ALL UNDERSTAND. BUT I JUST WANT YOU
TO
UNDERSTAND. BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'D STILL BE THE
SECOND
TO KNOW YOU'D STILL BE THE SECOND BEST PATRIOT TO DO THAT.
TOM,
SECOND BEST PATRIOT TO DO THAT. TOM, I'M SO HONORED. BUT I
HAVE
TOM, I'M SO HONORED. BUT I HAVE TO SAY FOR A GUY WHO
DOESN'T
HAVE TO SAY FOR A GUY WHO DOESN'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE, YOU
SURE
DOESN'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE, YOU SURE DO A LOT OF NIGGA SHIT.
YOU
SURE DO A LOT OF NIGGA SHIT. YOU WEAR ALL YOUR RINGS, YOU
LOVE
YOU WEAR ALL YOUR RINGS, YOU LOVE THE AMIGOS, YOU TOOK OUT
AN
LOVE THE AMIGOS, YOU TOOK OUT AN ILLEGAL PPP LOAN, AND YOU
REFUSE
AN ILLEGAL PPP LOAN, AND YOU REFUSE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS. I
ACTUALLY
REFUSE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS. I ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S WHY YOU
LEFT
ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT THE PATRIOTS. YOU WERE TO
ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT THE PATRIOTS. YOU WERE TOO
BLACK
LEFT THE PATRIOTS. YOU WERE TOO BLACK FOR BOSTON. I KNOW
RETIREMENT
BLACK FOR BOSTON. I KNOW RETIREMENT IS HARD. I TOO HAVE
RETIRED
RETIREMENT IS HARD. I TOO HAVE RETIRED SOMETHING. I PUT DOWN
DICK
RETIRED SOMETHING. I PUT DOWN DICK YEARS AGO. AND GOAT TO
GOAT,
DICK YEARS AGO. AND GOAT TO GOAT, I HAVE TO SAY I'M READY
FOR
GOAT, I HAVE TO SAY I'M READY FOR ONE LAST GAME, AND I KNOW
YOU
FOR ONE LAST GAME, AND I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS
LIKE
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SCORE ONE MORE TIME.
AND
LIKE TO SCORE ONE MORE TIME. AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF MY
PUSSY
AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF MY PUSSY IS STILL GOOD. WHO WOULD
BE
PUSSY IS STILL GOOD. WHO WOULD BE A BETTER JUDGE? BUT THIS
ISN'T
BE A BETTER JUDGE? BUT THIS ISN'T SEXUAL. I'M NOT HARD UP
LIKE
ISN'T SEXUAL. I'M NOT HARD UP LIKE NIKKI. THIS IS COMPLETELY
A
LIKE NIKKI. THIS IS COMPLETELY A FACT FINDING MISSION. SO NO
LOOT
A FACT FINDING MISSION. SO NO LOOT THE JOKES, NO CANDLES,
JUST
LOOT THE JOKES, NO CANDLES, JUST ME OPEN ON THE TABLE,
OB/GYN
JUST ME OPEN ON THE TABLE, OB/GYN STYLE, HOSPITAL GOWN,
YOU
OB/GYN STYLE, HOSPITAL GOWN, YOU COME IN WITH YOUR UGGS,
DICK
YOU COME IN WITH YOUR UGGS, DICK ALREADY HARD.
DICK
DICK ALREADY HARD BECAUSE I'M
NOT
DICK ALREADY HARD BECAUSE I'M NOT DOING ALL THAT. YOU HAVE ON
A
NOT DOING ALL THAT. YOU HAVE ON A HOSPITAL GOWN TOO, BUT IT'S
BACK
A HOSPITAL GOWN TOO, BUT IT'S BACK WARDS SO THE DICK CAN
STICK
BACK WARDS SO THE DICK CAN STICK OUT. BAM, ONE STRONG
STROKE,
STICK OUT. BAM, ONE STRONG STROKE, THEN YOU PULL OUT SLOW,
WE
STROKE, THEN YOU PULL OUT SLOW, WE TOWEL DOWN, HIGH FIVES. YOU
COULD
WE TOWEL DOWN, HIGH FIVES. YOU COULD BE MY FINAL COMPLETION,
AND
COULD BE MY FINAL COMPLETION, AND I CAN BE THE FIRST TIME YO
COULD BE MY FINAL COMPLETION, AND I CAN BE THE FIRST TIME YOU
LOOK
AND I CAN BE THE FIRST TIME YOU LOOK A BLACK WOMAN IN THE EYES.
BUT
LOOK A BLACK WOMAN IN THE EYES. BUT SERIOUSLY, TOM, I'M A
PATRIOT
BUT SERIOUSLY, TOM, I'M A PATRIOT FAN, I'M A BOSTONIAN.
AND
PATRIOT FAN, I'M A BOSTONIAN. AND LOVING YOU IS A SCARLET
LETTER
AND LOVING YOU IS A SCARLET LETTER THAT I WEAR PROUDLY. I
APPRECIATE
LETTER THAT I WEAR PROUDLY. I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID FOR THE
CITY.
APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID FOR THE CITY. YOU TRULY ARE THE GOAT.
WILL
CITY. YOU TRULY ARE THE GOAT. WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE
SIGN
WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SIGN MY JERSEY?
SAM JAY. GODDAMN. OH SHIT.
LADIES
SAM JAY. GODDAMN. OH SHIT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE A LIVING
LEGEND,
WELCOME TO THE STAGE A LIVING LEGEND, A WORLD CLASS LOVER AND
THE
LEGEND, A WORLD CLASS LOVER AND THE NUMBER ONE NEWS ANCHOR IN
ALL
THE NUMBER ONE NEWS ANCHOR IN ALL OF SAN DIEGO, MR. RON
BURGUNDY!
HELLO EVEN, NEW YORK CITY IN THE HOUSE! MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN,
THE HOUSE! MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, OH, MSG. BILLY JOEL
RESIDENCY,
GARDEN, OH, MSG. BILLY JOEL RESIDENCY, YES. HOW ABOUT THOSE
KNICKERBOCKERS,
RESIDENCY, YES. HOW ABOUT THOSE KNICKERBOCKERS, HUH? YEAH.
PROBABLY
KNICKERBOCKERS, HUH? YEAH. PROBABLY GONNA LOSE IN THE
SECOND
PROBABLY GONNA LOSE IN THE SECOND ROUND, BUT WE'RE
LOOKING
SECOND ROUND, BUT WE'RE LOOKING GOOD RIGHT NOW. KEVIN
HART,
LOOKING GOOD RIGHT NOW. KEVIN HART, MY SECOND FAVORITE
COMEDIAN
HART, MY SECOND FAVORITE COMEDIAN NEXT TO EARTHQUAKE.
GOD
COMEDIAN NEXT TO EARTHQUAKE. GOD I LOVE EARTHQUAKE. HELLO.
MY
GOD I LOVE EARTHQUAKE. HELLO. MY NAME IS RON BURGUNDY. I AM A
VERY
MY NAME IS RON BURGUNDY. I AM A VERY BIG DEAL, BUT TONIGHT IS
NOT
VERY BIG DEAL, BUT TONIGHT IS NOT ABOUT ME. I LOVE YOU TOO.
IT'S
IT'S NOT
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME, BUT WE ARE
HERE
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME, BUT WE ARE HERE TO HONOR A CHAMPION OF THE
GRIDIRON.
HERE TO HONOR A CHAMPION OF THE GRIDIRON. A GREAT AMERICAN, A
FATHER,
GRIDIRON. A GREAT AMERICAN, A FATHER, AND A SEXY MAN. A TRUE
PATRIOT
FATHER, AND A SEXY MAN. A TRUE PATRIOT UNTIL HE WAS NOT, OF
COURSE.
PATRIOT UNTIL HE WAS NOT, OF COURSE. MR. TOM BRADY.
HOLY
HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS GORGEOUS.
I'VE
HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS GORGEOUS. I'VE SEEN HIM ON TV BEFORE,
BUT
I'VE SEEN HIM ON TV BEFORE, BUT IN PERSON, EECHIOWA. WHOA.
LOOK
BUT IN PERSON, EECHIOWA. WHOA. LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKBONES.
THAT'S
LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKBONES. THAT'S A MILLION WATT SMILE
RIGHT
THAT'S A MILLION WATT SMILE RIGHT THERE AND THOSE EYES. A
PERSON
RIGHT THERE AND THOSE EYES. A PERSON COULD GET LOST IN THOSE
EYES.
PERSON COULD GET LOST IN THOSE EYES. AND RIGHT NOW I AM THAT
PERSON.
EYES. AND RIGHT NOW I AM THAT PERSON. RON, PULL IT TOGETHER.
YOU'RE
PERSON. RON, PULL IT TOGETHER. YOU'RE A STRAIGHT MAN. HE'S
MAKING
YOU'RE A STRAIGHT MAN. HE'S MAKING YOU QUESTION YOUR
SEXUALITY.
MAKING YOU QUESTION YOUR SEXUALITY. STOP LOOKING AT HIM.
YOU'RE
SEXUALITY. STOP LOOKING AT HIM. YOU'RE HERE TO MAKE FUN OF
HIM.
YOU'RE HERE TO MAKE FUN OF HIM. NOT FALL IN LOVE.
CONCENTRATE.
HIM. NOT FALL IN LOVE. CONCENTRATE. HERE WE GO. ALL
RIGHT.
CONCENTRATE. HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT. BACK TO THE ROAST,
EVERYONE.
RIGHT. BACK TO THE ROAST, EVERYONE. I NEVER LIKED YOU,
TOM.
EVERYONE. I NEVER LIKED YOU, TOM. IN ALL MY YEARS OF
WATCHING
TOM. IN ALL MY YEARS OF WATCHING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL,
I
WATCHING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL, I NEVER SAW A MORE BORING
QUARTERBACK.
I NEVER SAW A MORE BORING QUARTERBACK. THE MASTER OF THE
SIX-YARD
QUARTERBACK. THE MASTER OF THE SIX-YARD SLANT. THE SCREAM, TH
QUARTERBACK. THE MASTER OF THE SIX-YARD SLANT. THE SCREAM, THE
CHECK
SIX-YARD SLANT. THE SCREAM, THE CHECK DOWN, RANDY MOSS, WHERE
ARE
CHECK DOWN, RANDY MOSS, WHERE ARE YOU? THERE'S RANDY. I SEE
YOU
ARE YOU? THERE'S RANDY. I SEE YOU OVER THERE. ALL THAT SPEED
RUNNING
YOU OVER THERE. ALL THAT SPEED RUNNING DOWN THE FIELD. RANDY,
HE
RUNNING DOWN THE FIELD. RANDY, HE WAS NEVER GOING TO GET YOU
THE
HE WAS NEVER GOING TO GET YOU THE RING. THE CHECK DOWN PASS
WAS
THE RING. THE CHECK DOWN PASS WAS THE ONLY OPTION. I'M
SORRY.
WAS THE ONLY OPTION. I'M SORRY. YOU WERE JUST A SEXY
DECOY.
SORRY. YOU WERE JUST A SEXY DECOY. TO MAKE TOM LOOK GOOD.
YOU
DECOY. TO MAKE TOM LOOK GOOD. YOU WERE ON THE FIELD VERSION
OF
YOU WERE ON THE FIELD VERSION OF GISELE BUNDCHEN. IS IT
GISELE
OF GISELE BUNDCHEN. IS IT GISELE OR GISELE? GISELE, I
BELIEVE,
GISELE OR GISELE? GISELE, I BELIEVE, RIGHT? GISELE. GISELE
BUNDCHEN.
BELIEVE, RIGHT? GISELE. GISELE BUNDCHEN. FROM SPAIN. SHE'S
SPANISH,
BUNDCHEN. FROM SPAIN. SHE'S SPANISH, RIGHT? TOM, LOOK AT
ME.
SPANISH, RIGHT? TOM, LOOK AT ME. SHE'S SPANISH, RIGHT? OH,
YOU
ME. SHE'S SPANISH, RIGHT? OH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW? OKAY.
POOR GISELE. IT TOOK HER 13 YEARS TO LEARN WHAT WE ALL
KNOW.
YEARS TO LEARN WHAT WE ALL KNOW. TOM IS BORING. DINK,
DONK,
KNOW. TOM IS BORING. DINK, DONK, DINK, DONK, TOUCHDOWN,
WHO
DONK, DINK, DONK, TOUCHDOWN, WHO CARES. WHO CARES. THE GUYS
ON
WHO CARES. WHO CARES. THE GUYS ON SPORTS CENTER, SOME PERSONAL
FRIENDS
ON SPORTS CENTER, SOME PERSONAL FRIENDS OF MINE USED TO PRAISE
TOM
FRIENDS OF MINE USED TO PRAISE TOM FOR HIS QUICK RELEASE. NOT
WOMEN,
TOM FOR HIS QUICK RELEASE. NOT WOMEN, BY THE WAY. WOMEN WERE
NOT
WOMEN, BY THE WAY. WOMEN WERE NOT IMPRESSED BY HIS QUICK
RELEASE.
NOT IMPRESSED BY HIS QUICK RELEASE. I'M PUTTING
EARTHQUAKE
RELEASE. I'M PUTTING EARTHQUAKE TO SHAME, RIGHT,
KEVIN?
EARTHQUAKE TO SHAME, RIGHT, KEVIN? I MEAN THE LAST TIME
THIS
KEVIN? I MEAN THE LAST TIME THIS GUY WENT TRULY DEEP, HE
ENDED
THIS GUY WENT TRULY DEEP, HE ENDED UP PAYING CHILD SUPPORT
TO
ENDED UP PAYING CHILD SUPPORT TO BRIDGET MOYNIHAN. I WROTE
THAT
TO BRIDGET MOYNIHAN. I WROTE THAT MYSELF THIS MORNING. IN
THE
THAT MYSELF THIS MORNING. IN THE AIRPORT BATHROOM AT
LAGUARDIA.
THE AIRPORT BATHROOM AT LAGUARDIA. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS
NOW,
LAGUARDIA. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS NOW, TOM RUINED FOOTBALL FOR
ALL
NOW, TOM RUINED FOOTBALL FOR ALL OF US. WATCHING THE
PATRIOTS
ALL OF US. WATCHING THE PATRIOTS PLAY ACTUALLY MADE ME
LOOK
PATRIOTS PLAY ACTUALLY MADE ME LOOK FORWARD TO ALL THE FUN AN
PATRIOTS PLAY ACTUALLY MADE ME LOOK FORWARD TO ALL THE FUN AND
LAUGHTER
LOOK FORWARD TO ALL THE FUN AND LAUGHTER OF A BILL BELICHICK
POST-GAME
LAUGHTER OF A BILL BELICHICK POST-GAME INTERVIEW.
BY
BY THE
BY THE WAY, BILL, WHEREVER YOU
ARE,
BY THE WAY, BILL, WHEREVER YOU ARE, I HOPE YOU KNOW, I HOPE
YOU
ARE, I HOPE YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU KNOW IT NOW, IT WAS TOM. IT
WAS
YOU KNOW IT NOW, IT WAS TOM. IT WAS NEVER YOU.
REMEMBER, NO, NO. REMEMBER THAT PERIOD WHEN PEOPLE THOUGHT IT
WAS
PERIOD WHEN PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS YOU? WELL, IT WASN'T. IT
WAS
WAS YOU? WELL, IT WASN'T. IT WAS TOM. UNDERSTAND, BILL
YOU'RE
WAS TOM. UNDERSTAND, BILL YOU'RE CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED.
GOOD
YOU'RE CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED. GOOD LUCK ON ZIP RECRUITER. A
LOT
GOOD LUCK ON ZIP RECRUITER. A LOT OF JOBS IN THE HEALTHCARE
FIELD.
LOT OF JOBS IN THE HEALTHCARE FIELD. I HEAR MALE NURSES ARE
IN
FIELD. I HEAR MALE NURSES ARE IN GREAT DEMAND. WITH YOUR
BEDSIDE
IN GREAT DEMAND. WITH YOUR BEDSIDE MANNER, NO ONE WOULD
WAKE
BEDSIDE MANNER, NO ONE WOULD WAKE UP AFTER GALLBLADDER
SURGERY
WAKE UP AFTER GALLBLADDER SURGERY AND LOOK INTO THE
LOVING
SURGERY AND LOOK INTO THE LOVING KIND FACE OF BILL
BELICHICK
LOVING KIND FACE OF BILL BELICHICK AS HE GIVES YOU A
SPONGE
BELICHICK AS HE GIVES YOU A SPONGE BATH. NO, THERE'S NO
REASON
SPONGE BATH. NO, THERE'S NO REASON WHY WE ALL HAD TO ENDURE
20
REASON WHY WE ALL HAD TO ENDURE 20 SEASONS OF SIX-YARD PASSES
TO
20 SEASONS OF SIX-YARD PASSES TO GRONKOWSKI. TOM WAS TOO
AFRAID
TO GRONKOWSKI. TOM WAS TOO AFRAID TO HOLD ON TO THE
FOOTBALL
AFRAID TO HOLD ON TO THE FOOTBALL BECAUSE UNDER ALL THAT
LIFELESS
FOOTBALL BECAUSE UNDER ALL THAT LIFELESS LUMBER, HANDSOME AS HE
IS,
LIFELESS LUMBER, HANDSOME AS HE IS, AND HE IS VERY HANDSOME. MY
GOD.
IS, AND HE IS VERY HANDSOME. MY GOD. IF YOU WERE THIS CLOSE TO
HIM
GOD. IF YOU WERE THIS CLOSE TO HIM LIKE I AM, THEN YOU KNOW
WHAT
HIM LIKE I AM, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I
HAVEN'T
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED HIS
GOLDEN
HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED HIS GOLDEN SKIN. DON'T YOU SHAKE
YOUR
GOLDEN SKIN. DON'T YOU SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT ME AND SAY CRAZY.
I'LL
YOUR HEAD AT ME AND SAY CRAZY. I'LL MAKE LIFE CRAZY FOR YOU.
HOW
I'LL MAKE LIFE CRAZY FOR YOU. HOW IT MUST FEEL TO TOUCH THAT
GOLDEN
HOW IT MUST FEEL TO TOUCH THAT GOLDEN SKIN. AND THESE ARE
STRANGE
GOLDEN SKIN. AND THESE ARE STRANGE FEELINGS, RON. FOCUS,
FOCUS.
STRANGE FEELINGS, RON. FOCUS, FOCUS. YOU HATE THE MAN,
REMEMBER.
FOCUS. YOU HATE THE MAN, REMEMBER. YOU HATE HIM. WHERE
WAS
REMEMBER. YOU HATE HIM. WHERE WAS I? OH YES, UNDERNEATH THAT
DEAD
WAS I? OH YES, UNDERNEATH THAT DEAD ROBOT OF A QUARTERBACK,
THERE
DEAD ROBOT OF A QUARTERBACK, THERE IS A SCARED LITTLE BOY.
HOW
THERE IS A SCARED LITTLE BOY. HOW DO I KNOW THIS? YOU DON'T
SEE
HOW DO I KNOW THIS? YOU DON'T SEE ELI MANNING HERE TONIGHT,
DO
SEE ELI MANNING HERE TONIGHT, DO YOU? NO. THAT'S BECAUSE
HE'S
DO YOU? NO. THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF ELI MANNING.
ELI
HE'S AFRAID OF ELI MANNING. ELI MANNING MADE TOM BRADY HIS
BITCH.
ELI MANNING MADE TOM BRADY HIS BITCH. HE MADE HIM HIS BITCH.
OKAY.
BITCH. HE MADE HIM HIS BITCH. OKAY. I'D LIKE TO HEAR
EVERYONE
OKAY. I'D LIKE TO HEAR EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE SAY
THAT
EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE SAY THAT WITH ME. ON THE COUNT OF
THREE,
THAT WITH ME. ON THE COUNT OF THREE, WE'RE ALL GOING TO SAY
ELI
THREE, WE'RE ALL GOING TO SAY ELI MANNING MADE TOM BRADY HIS
BITCH.
ELI MANNING MADE TOM BRADY HIS BITCH. ONE, TWO, THREE, ELI
MANNING
BITCH. ONE, TWO, THREE, ELI MANNING MADE TOM BRADY HIS
BITCH.
MANNING MADE TOM BRADY HIS BITCH. THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
LET'S
BITCH. THAT WAS TERRIBLE. LET'S DO IT AGAIN. ACTUALLY AS
DISJOINTED
LET'S DO IT AGAIN. ACTUALLY AS DISJOINTED AS I WAS, THAT FELT
GOOD.
DISJOINTED AS I WAS, THAT FELT GOOD. DON'T WORRY, TOM, THE
NIGHTMARE
GOOD. DON'T WORRY, TOM, THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER. YOU CAN JUST
SIT
NIGHTMARE IS OVER. YOU CAN JUST SIT BACK, RELAX, AND TALK ABOUT
FOOTBALL.
SIT BACK, RELAX, AND TALK ABOUT FOOTBALL. INVEST IN
CRYPTOCURRENCY
FOOTBALL. INVEST IN CRYPTOCURRENCY SCAMS, AND DRINK
YOUR
CRYPTOCURRENCY SCAMS, AND DRINK YOUR PROTEIN SHAKES. I DON'T
KNOW
YOUR PROTEIN SHAKES. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, TOM HAS
A
KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, TOM HAS A WHOLE LINE OF PLANT BASED
NUTRITION
A WHOLE LINE OF PLANT BASED NUTRITION CALLED TB12. LOOK IT
UP.
NUTRITION CALLED TB12. LOOK IT UP. YEAH. IT'S GOOD. I LOST 15
POUNDS
UP. YEAH. IT'S GOOD. I LOST 15 POUNDS FROM THIS STUFF. THOSE
SHAKES
POUNDS FROM THIS STUFF. THOSE SHAKES WORK. I ONLY HAD TO
DRINK
SHAKES WORK. I ONLY HAD TO DRINK ONE GLASS. FOR THE NEXT
TWO
DRINK ONE GLASS. FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS I WAS ON THE CAN WITH
THE
TWO WEEKS I WAS ON THE CAN WITH THE WORST CASE OF DIARRHEA I'VE
EVER
THE WORST CASE OF DIARRHEA I'VE EVER HAD. I RECOMMEND THE
COOKIES
EVER HAD. I RECOMMEND THE COOKIES AND CREAM SHAKE.
THERE'S
COOKIES AND CREAM SHAKE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SHOOTING
OUT
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SHOOTING OUT COOKIES AND CREAM AS YOU
RACE
OUT COOKIES AND CREAM AS YOU RACE TO THE TOILET. COOKIES AND
CREAM.
RACE TO THE TOILET. COOKIES AND CREAM. ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF
THE
CREAM. ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF THE LAGUARDIA AIRPORT BATHROOM.
STALL
THE LAGUARDIA AIRPORT BATHROOM. STALL NUMBER THREE. THAT'S TH
THE LAGUARDIA AIRPORT BATHROOM. STALL NUMBER THREE. THAT'S THE
ONE
STALL NUMBER THREE. THAT'S THE ONE I ALWAYS GO. ON THAT CLASSY
NOTE,
ONE I ALWAYS GO. ON THAT CLASSY NOTE, I'D LIKE TO WRAP IT UP.
TOM,
NOTE, I'D LIKE TO WRAP IT UP. TOM, IT'S CLEAR EVERYBODY UP
HERE
TOM, IT'S CLEAR EVERYBODY UP HERE LOVES YOU. I LOVE YOU,
ALTHOUGH
HERE LOVES YOU. I LOVE YOU, ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT JUST BE LUST.
IT
ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT JUST BE LUST. IT COULD BE LOVE. WE'LL NEVER
HAD
IT COULD BE LOVE. WE'LL NEVER HAD KNOW. I CAN'T WAIT FOR YO
IT COULD BE LOVE. WE'LL NEVER HAD KNOW. I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU
TO
HAD KNOW. I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE UP THERE ON FOX SPORTS
COMMENTATING
TO BE UP THERE ON FOX SPORTS COMMENTATING ON THE GAME YOU
LOVED
COMMENTATING ON THE GAME YOU LOVED OR
COMMENTATING ON THE GAME YOU LOVED OR-- OR PLAYING FOR THE
RAIDERS
LOVED OR-- OR PLAYING FOR THE RAIDERS IN THE PLAYOFFS. OR
COACHING
RAIDERS IN THE PLAYOFFS. OR COACHING THE PATRIOTS OR
WHATEVER
COACHING THE PATRIOTS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING
TO
WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING TO DO. I MEAN LET'S BE HONEST,
YOUR
TO DO. I MEAN LET'S BE HONEST, YOUR BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND YOU,
TOM.
YOUR BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND YOU, TOM. THE SUPER BOWLS, GISELE.
YOUR
TOM. THE SUPER BOWLS, GISELE. YOUR MOVIE CAREER. IT'S ALL
DONE.
YOUR MOVIE CAREER. IT'S ALL DONE. IT'S ALL GONE. BUT YOU
WON'T
DONE. IT'S ALL GONE. BUT YOU WON'T BE FORGOTTEN. YOU WILL
ALWAYS
WON'T BE FORGOTTEN. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AS ELI
MANNING'S
ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AS ELI MANNING'S BITCH. DON'T LET
THAT
MANNING'S BITCH. DON'T LET THAT GET YOU DOWN, TOM. LIKE I
SAID
THAT GET YOU DOWN, TOM. LIKE I SAID BEFORE, WE ALL LOVE YOU.
IN
SAID BEFORE, WE ALL LOVE YOU. IN FACT ONLY ONE MAN TRULY
HATES
IN FACT ONLY ONE MAN TRULY HATES YOU, AND IT IS MY
PLEASURE
HATES YOU, AND IT IS MY PLEASURE TO BRING HIM OUT HERE,
MR.
PLEASURE TO BRING HIM OUT HERE, MR. BILL BELICHICK.
♪[ MUSIC ] ♪
WHAT'S UP? THANK YOU.
WHAT'S
WHAT'S UP, KEVIN, YOU THINK
YOU
WHAT'S UP, KEVIN, YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ME A CHAIR LIKE
THAT
YOU CAN GET ME A CHAIR LIKE THAT IN PHILLY? YEAH. I THINK
SO.
THAT IN PHILLY? YEAH. I THINK SO. RON BURGUNDY. WHERE'S RON?
RON
SO. RON BURGUNDY. WHERE'S RON? RON BURGUNDY. THE ONLY MEMBER
IN
RON BURGUNDY. THE ONLY MEMBER IN THE MEDIA I RESPECT. YEAH.
YOU
IN THE MEDIA I RESPECT. YEAH. YOU KNOW THE FELLAS INVITED ME
UP
YOU KNOW THE FELLAS INVITED ME UP HERE TO LIGHTEN UP THE MOOD
A
UP HERE TO LIGHTEN UP THE MOOD A LITTLE BIT TONIGHT. BUT
SERIOUSLY
A LITTLE BIT TONIGHT. BUT SERIOUSLY I'M SO HONORED TO BE
HERE
SERIOUSLY I'M SO HONORED TO BE HERE FOR THE ROAST OF TOM BRADY
ON
HERE FOR THE ROAST OF TOM BRADY ON NETFLIX. IT'S NOT TO BE
CONFUSED
ON NETFLIX. IT'S NOT TO BE CONFUSED-- IT'S NOT TO BE
CONFUSED
CONFUSED-- IT'S NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE ROAST OF
BELICHICK
CONFUSED WITH THE ROAST OF BELICHICK ON THE TEN-PART APPLE
TV
BELICHICK ON THE TEN-PART APPLE TV SERIES. THERE'S A LOT OF
MEAN
TV SERIES. THERE'S A LOT OF MEAN THINGS BEING SAID ABOUT
TOM
MEAN THINGS BEING SAID ABOUT TOM TONIGHT. I WONDER WHY THEY
INVITED
TOM TONIGHT. I WONDER WHY THEY INVITED ME. REALLY, TOM, WHY
ARE
INVITED ME. REALLY, TOM, WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE SO HARD ON
YOU?
ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE SO HARD ON YOU? DO YOU MISS ME? AND, YOU
KNOW,
YOU? DO YOU MISS ME? AND, YOU KNOW, KEVIN, WHENEVER KEVIN
TALKS,
KNOW, KEVIN, WHENEVER KEVIN TALKS, I GO INTO COVER TWO
DEFENSE.
TALKS, I GO INTO COVER TWO DEFENSE. COVER BOTH EARS.
FIRST,
DEFENSE. COVER BOTH EARS. FIRST, TOM, SOME OF THESE
COMEDIANS
FIRST, TOM, SOME OF THESE COMEDIANS TONIGHT, ANDREW
SCHULZ,
COMEDIANS TONIGHT, ANDREW SCHULZ, NIKKI GLASER, TOM
BRADY,
SCHULZ, NIKKI GLASER, TOM BRADY, THIS IS A COMEDY VERSION
OF
BRADY, THIS IS A COMEDY VERSION OF THE NO-NAME DEFENSE. WHO ARE
THESE
OF THE NO-NAME DEFENSE. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
FOR
FOR 49
FOR 49 YEARS, I'VE BEEN A
FOOTBALL
FOR 49 YEARS, I'VE BEEN A FOOTBALL COACH, BUT TONIGHT
I'M
FOOTBALL COACH, BUT TONIGHT I'M GOING TO BE A LIFE COACH.
WHEN
I'M GOING TO BE A LIFE COACH. WHEN I GET RID OF MY TWO
SLEEVES,
WHEN I GET RID OF MY TWO SLEEVES, IT'S THROUGH MY
SWEATSHIRTS.
SLEEVES, IT'S THROUGH MY SWEATSHIRTS. JEFF ROSS GETS RI
SLEEVES, IT'S THROUGH MY SWEATSHIRTS. JEFF ROSS GETS RID
OF
SWEATSHIRTS. JEFF ROSS GETS RID OF HIS TWO SLEEVES, IT'S FOR A
BOX
OF HIS TWO SLEEVES, IT'S FOR A BOX OF COOKIES. I'VE GOT TO
ROLL?
BOX OF COOKIES. I'VE GOT TO ROLL? ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, A
LOT
ROLL? ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE KIND OF CONNECTED
ME
LOT OF PEOPLE KIND OF CONNECTED ME WITH A SAYING CALLED DO YOUR
JOB,
ME WITH A SAYING CALLED DO YOUR JOB, TELLING PEOPLE TO DO THEIR
JOB.
GRONK,
GRONK, I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU
ON
GRONK, I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU ON FOX NFL SUNDAY, AND I'M
BEGGING
ON FOX NFL SUNDAY, AND I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE, STOP DOING
YOUR
BEGGING YOU, PLEASE, STOP DOING YOUR JOB.
DO ANOTHER JOB. DO SOMEBODY ELSE'S JOB.
I
I LOVE
I LOVE COACHING GRONK. HE WAS
THE
I LOVE COACHING GRONK. HE WAS THE BEST. HE'S A GREAT
TEAMMATE,
THE BEST. HE'S A GREAT TEAMMATE, A GREAT, GREAT HALL
OF
TEAMMATE, A GREAT, GREAT HALL OF FAME PLAYER. GIVE IT UP FOR
GRONK.
GRONK'S
GRONK'S TAKEN A LOT OF HEAT.
HE'S
GRONK'S TAKEN A LOT OF HEAT. HE'S BEEN ROASTED THE THIRD
MOST
HE'S BEEN ROASTED THE THIRD MOST BETWEEN BRADY, THEN ME,
AND
MOST BETWEEN BRADY, THEN ME, AND GRONK TONIGHT. SORRY, ROB,
I'VE
AND GRONK TONIGHT. SORRY, ROB, I'VE GOT TO KEEP GOING. ROB
LAST
I'VE GOT TO KEEP GOING. ROB LAST LANDED SOME ENDORSEMENT
DEALS
LAST LANDED SOME ENDORSEMENT DEALS FOR SOME OF HIS FAVORITE
FOODS,
DEALS FOR SOME OF HIS FAVORITE FOODS, CAMPBELL SOUP, DUNKIN'
DONUTS,
FOODS, CAMPBELL SOUP, DUNKIN' DONUTS, AND DON'T FORGET TIDE
PODS.
JUST A TRUE STORY. 100% TRUE
STORY.
JUST A TRUE STORY. 100% TRUE STORY. I USED ROB'S TIDE POD
COMMERCIAL
STORY. I USED ROB'S TIDE POD COMMERCIAL TO TEACH OUR TEAM
THAT
COMMERCIAL TO TEACH OUR TEAM THAT THIS IS WHEN YOU SAY NO.
JUST
JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY ASKS YOU
TO
JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING STUPID, YOU
DON'T
TO DO SOMETHING STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT. SAY NO.
THAT
DON'T HAVE TO DO IT. SAY NO. THAT ADVICE WAS NEVER GIVEN BY
KEVIN'S
THAT ADVICE WAS NEVER GIVEN BY KEVIN'S MANAGER.
A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW, BUT I
REALLY
A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW, BUT I REALLY HAVE A BIG HEART. I
REALLY
REALLY HAVE A BIG HEART. I REALLY DO. SERIOUSLY. COME ON,
MAN.
I RESCUED
I RESCUED A DOG FROM THE
SHELTER.
I RESCUED A DOG FROM THE SHELTER. AND I RESCUED RANDY
FROM
SHELTER. AND I RESCUED RANDY FROM THE RAIDERS. LISTEN,
RANDY,
FROM THE RAIDERS. LISTEN, RANDY, I'M REALLY SORRY YOU
DIDN'T
RANDY, I'M REALLY SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET A RING. NOT SORRY
ENOUGH
DIDN'T GET A RING. NOT SORRY ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU ONE OF MINE,
BUT
ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU ONE OF MINE, BUT I'M STILL REALLY SORRY.
YOU
BUT I'M STILL REALLY SORRY. YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE
ALL
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE ALL THE PATRIOTS HERE. YOU
KNOW,
ALL THE PATRIOTS HERE. YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE ALL AWESOME.
YOU
KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE ALL AWESOME. YOU MEANT SO MUCH.
AND
AND TOM'S
AND TOM'S THE GREATEST OF ALL
TIME.
AND TOM'S THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S
TIME. NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.
TOM'S
THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL HERE. TOM'S FANTASTIC. BUT HE PLAYED
ON
TOM'S FANTASTIC. BUT HE PLAYED ON SOME GREAT TEAMS AND THESE
GREAT
ON SOME GREAT TEAMS AND THESE GREAT PLAYERS WHO PLAYED WITH
THEM,
GREAT PLAYERS WHO PLAYED WITH THEM, THEY'RE A GREAT TEAM. WE
ACCOMPLISHED
THEM, THEY'RE A GREAT TEAM. WE ACCOMPLISHED A LOT. SO PROUD TO
BE
ACCOMPLISHED A LOT. SO PROUD TO BE HERE. BUT YOU KNOW, DANNY,
DANNY
BE HERE. BUT YOU KNOW, DANNY, DANNY AMENDOLA UP HERE ON THE
STAGE,
DANNY AMENDOLA UP HERE ON THE STAGE, DANNY JOINED US IN 2014.
GOT
STAGE, DANNY JOINED US IN 2014. GOT US 200 YARDS THAT YEAR. AND
THEN
GOT US 200 YARDS THAT YEAR. AND THEN IN 2016, HE PICKED UP
ANOTHER
THEN IN 2016, HE PICKED UP ANOTHER 250. OR TO PUT IN
ANOTHER
ANOTHER 250. OR TO PUT IN ANOTHER WAY, WHAT RANDY WOULD
CALL
ANOTHER WAY, WHAT RANDY WOULD CALL A DECENT FIRST HALF.
MATT, I LOVE WHERE YOU ARE,
MATT
MATT, I LOVE WHERE YOU ARE, MATT LIGHT PROTECTED TOM'S
BLIND
MATT LIGHT PROTECTED TOM'S BLIND SIGHT ALONG WITH NATE
SOLDER,
BLIND SIGHT ALONG WITH NATE SOLDER, TWO GREAT LEFT TACKLES.
ALL
SOLDER, TWO GREAT LEFT TACKLES. ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS IN THE
HALL
ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS IN THE HALL OF FAME. AND MATT, I LOVE
WHERE
HALL OF FAME. AND MATT, I LOVE WHERE YOU ARE, FAR AWAY FROM
THE
WHERE YOU ARE, FAR AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE. IN ALL MY YEARS
WITH
THE MICROPHONE. IN ALL MY YEARS WITH THE PATRIOTS, THERE'S NO
PLAYER
WITH THE PATRIOTS, THERE'S NO PLAYER I HAD TO SAY MORE OFTEN
TO
PLAYER I HAD TO SAY MORE OFTEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP THAN MATT
LIGHT.
YOU
YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW, MATT CAME INTO THE
LEAGUE
YOU KNOW, MATT CAME INTO THE LEAGUE AND YOU KNOW ABOUT HIS
STRUGGLE
LEAGUE AND YOU KNOW ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE WITH CROHNS DISEASE
AND
STRUGGLE WITH CROHNS DISEASE AND THAT CERTAINLY EXPLAINS ALL
THE
AND THAT CERTAINLY EXPLAINS ALL THE YEARS WHY HE GAVE ME SO
MUCH
THE YEARS WHY HE GAVE ME SO MUCH SHIT. ONE MAN THAT'S
ALWAYS
MUCH SHIT. ONE MAN THAT'S ALWAYS GREAT TO SEE, RODNEY
HARRISON.
ALWAYS GREAT TO SEE, RODNEY HARRISON. RODNEY HARRISON.
ONE OF THE GREATEST PLAYERS I'VE EVER COACHED. I MEAN
HE'S
I'VE EVER COACHED. I MEAN HE'S A GREAT, GREAT FOOTBALL
PLAYER.
HE'S A GREAT, GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYER. A GREAT PERSON. A GREAT
COMPETITOR.
PLAYER. A GREAT PERSON. A GREAT COMPETITOR. HE'S NOT IN THE
PRO
COMPETITOR. HE'S NOT IN THE PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME. TO
ME
PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME. TO ME THAT MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST
JOKE
ME THAT MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST JOKE OF THE NIGHT. GIVE IT UP.
JUST INVITE ME INTO YOUR INDUCTION. BUT BELIEVE IT OR
NOT,
INDUCTION. BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'VE GOT A LOT OF NICE
THINGS
NOT, I'VE GOT A LOT OF NICE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT TOM, BUT
I'M
THINGS TO SAY ABOUT TOM, BUT I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE.
DO
DO I
DO I HAVE
DO I HAVE A COUPLE EXTRA
MINUTES?
DO I HAVE A COUPLE EXTRA MINUTES? OKAY. [ CHEERING
DO I HAVE A COUPLE EXTRA MINUTES? OKAY.
CRYPTOCURRENCY. I'LL STAY AWAY FROM THAT ONE, BUT I SEE YOUR
SOCCER
FROM THAT ONE, BUT I SEE YOUR SOCCER TEAM, BIRMINGHAM CITY
GOT
SOCCER TEAM, BIRMINGHAM CITY GOT KNOCKED DOWN ANOTHER TIER
IN
GOT KNOCKED DOWN ANOTHER TIER IN THE ENGLISH FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
SO
IN THE ENGLISH FOOTBALL LEAGUE. SO YOU KNOW FOR THOSE NOT
FAMILIAR
SO YOU KNOW FOR THOSE NOT FAMILIAR WITH ENGLISH FOOTBALL,
THE
FAMILIAR WITH ENGLISH FOOTBALL, THE INTRICACY OF THEIR OBSCURE
REGULATION
THE INTRICACY OF THEIR OBSCURE REGULATION SYSTEM. LET ME PUT
IT
REGULATION SYSTEM. LET ME PUT IT IN ENGLISH FOR YOU, THEY
SUCK.
IT IN ENGLISH FOR YOU, THEY SUCK. NOT SO EASY RUNNING A
TEAM,
SUCK. NOT SO EASY RUNNING A TEAM, IS IT, TOM?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
SO A LITTLE COACHING ADVICE, STICK TO AMERICAN FOOTBALL.
YOU'RE
STICK TO AMERICAN FOOTBALL. YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT.
YOU
YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE SAID TOM
AND
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE SAID TOM AND I BUTTED HEADS A LOT. IN A
WAY
AND I BUTTED HEADS A LOT. IN A WAY THAT WAS TRUE, BUT NOT
REALLY.
WAY THAT WAS TRUE, BUT NOT REALLY. IT WAS HARD TO BUTT
HEADS
REALLY. IT WAS HARD TO BUTT HEADS WITH TOM BECAUSE HE WAS
SO
HEADS WITH TOM BECAUSE HE WAS SO FAR UP ALEX GUERRERO'S ASS.
YOU KNOW, TOM, YOU HAD SO MANY
CLUTCH
YOU KNOW, TOM, YOU HAD SO MANY CLUTCH MOMENTS, SO MANY BIG
PLAYS,
CLUTCH MOMENTS, SO MANY BIG PLAYS, JUST UNBELIEVABLE, YOU
KNOW,
PLAYS, JUST UNBELIEVABLE, YOU KNOW, PLAYS THAT WILL LIVE ON
FOREVER.
KNOW, PLAYS THAT WILL LIVE ON FOREVER. I REMEMBER THE PASS
YOU
FOREVER. I REMEMBER THE PASS YOU THREW TO AMENDOLA IN '14,
NO,
YOU THREW TO AMENDOLA IN '14, NO, THAT WAS JULIAN THAT THREW
THAT
NO, THAT WAS JULIAN THAT THREW THAT PASS TO AMENDOLA. THERE
WAS
THAT PASS TO AMENDOLA. THERE WAS A PASS YOU THREW TO DORSETT
WHEN
WAS A PASS YOU THREW TO DORSETT WHEN WE BEAT THE EAGLES. YOU
REMEMBER
WHEN WE BEAT THE EAGLES. YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE IN 2019? NO,
JULIAN,
REMEMBER THAT ONE IN 2019? NO, JULIAN, YOU THREW THAT ONE TOO.
OH.
JULIAN, YOU THREW THAT ONE TOO. OH. TOM THREW A LOT OF
TOUCHDOWN
OH. TOM THREW A LOT OF TOUCHDOWN PASSES. I CAN'T
REMEMBER
TOUCHDOWN PASSES. I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM, BUT HE THREW A
BUNCH
REMEMBER THEM, BUT HE THREW A BUNCH OF THEM. YOU KNOW,
SERIOUSLY
BUNCH OF THEM. YOU KNOW, SERIOUSLY TOM AND I HAD OUR
DIFFERENCES,
SERIOUSLY TOM AND I HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, BUT YOU KNOW IT
ONLY
DIFFERENCES, BUT YOU KNOW IT ONLY COMES TO LOVE AND RESPECT
ABOUT
ONLY COMES TO LOVE AND RESPECT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. WE DID
SOME
ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. WE DID SOME SPECIAL THINGS TOGETHER.
YOU
SOME SPECIAL THINGS TOGETHER. YOU KNOW FOR ALL OF YOU OUT
THERE
YOU KNOW FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE THAT THINK ABOUT WHO IS
RESPONSIBLE
THERE THAT THINK ABOUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PATRIOTS
SUCCESS
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PATRIOTS SUCCESS DURING THE TIME WHEN
TOM
SUCCESS DURING THE TIME WHEN TOM AND I WERE OVER THERE. WAS
IT
TOM AND I WERE OVER THERE. WAS IT BRADY, ME, BRADY, ME? IN
REALITY,
IT BRADY, ME, BRADY, ME? IN REALITY, THE TRUTH OF THE
MATTER
REALITY, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS IT WAS BOTH OF US
BECAUSE
MATTER IS IT WAS BOTH OF US BECAUSE OF ME. GREAT EVENT,
NETFLIX,
BECAUSE OF ME. GREAT EVENT, NETFLIX, GREAT NIGHT TO BE
HERE.
NETFLIX, GREAT NIGHT TO BE HERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LOVE
YOU,
HERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LOVE YOU, TOM, PATRIOTS. LOVE YOU
GUYS.
YOU, TOM, PATRIOTS. LOVE YOU GUYS. THANK YOU.
WOW.
WOW. WHO
WOW. WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING
THOUGHT.
WOW. WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT. WHO WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT.
THOUGHT. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. GODDAMN, COACH CAME UP
HERE
THOUGHT. GODDAMN, COACH CAME UP HERE AND SET THE ROAD STRAIGHT.
I
HERE AND SET THE ROAD STRAIGHT. I CAN'T EVEN TRASH HIM. I HAD
STUFF
I CAN'T EVEN TRASH HIM. I HAD STUFF TO TRASH HIM, BUT AFTER
THAT,
STUFF TO TRASH HIM, BUT AFTER THAT, I CAN'T. I DON'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE
THAT, I CAN'T. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TRASHING THE COACH
AFTER
COMFORTABLE TRASHING THE COACH AFTER THAT. I IMAGINE HE'LL
SAY
AFTER THAT. I IMAGINE HE'LL SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE
HEARTFELT.
SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE HEARTFELT. COACH, YOU SHOULD
HEAR
HEARTFELT. COACH, YOU SHOULD HEAR THIS. I LIKE THE FACT YOU
ACTUALLY
HEAR THIS. I LIKE THE FACT YOU ACTUALLY HAD THE BALLS TO COME
OUT
ACTUALLY HAD THE BALLS TO COME OUT HERE AND DO THE FUCKING
ROAST
OUT HERE AND DO THE FUCKING ROAST AND TALK SHIT WITH TOM.
ALL
ROAST AND TALK SHIT WITH TOM. ALL RIGHT.
JUST
JUST FOR
JUST FOR A QUICK SECOND BEFORE
WE
JUST FOR A QUICK SECOND BEFORE WE GO AND CONTINUE THE SHOW, TO
TELL
WE GO AND CONTINUE THE SHOW, TO TELL YOU GUYS WHY I THINK IT'S
SO
TELL YOU GUYS WHY I THINK IT'S SO DOPE BECAUSE YOU CUT THE
MIDDLEMAN
SO DOPE BECAUSE YOU CUT THE MIDDLEMAN OUT. THE MIDDLEMAN IS
THE
MIDDLEMAN OUT. THE MIDDLEMAN IS THE HYPOTHETICAL, THE
ASSUMPTION.
THE HYPOTHETICAL, THE ASSUMPTION. EVERYBODY HAS AN
ASSUMPTION. EVERYBODY HAS AN ASSUMPTION ABOUT THE
RELATIONSHIP
ASSUMPTION ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP OF. AND THE THING
IS
RELATIONSHIP OF. AND THE THING IS ULTIMATELY WHEN YOU SEE THE
SUPPORT
IS ULTIMATELY WHEN YOU SEE THE SUPPORT WITH ONE ANOTHER,
THAT'S
SUPPORT WITH ONE ANOTHER, THAT'S WHAT THE RELATIONSHIP
IS.
THAT'S WHAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS. WHAT I'M SAYING IS, WHAT
I'M
IS. WHAT I'M SAYING IS, WHAT I'M SAYING TO THE WORLD IS
MIND
I'M SAYING TO THE WORLD IS MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, AL
I'M SAYING TO THE WORLD IS MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, ALL
RIGHT?
MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT? MIND YOUR FUCKING
BUSINESS.
RIGHT? MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. COACH, GOOD SHIT. WAY
TO
BUSINESS. COACH, GOOD SHIT. WAY TO COME OUT AND BE SUPPORTIVE
TONIGHT
TO COME OUT AND BE SUPPORTIVE TONIGHT AND BACK GODDAMN TOM
BRADY.
TONIGHT AND BACK GODDAMN TOM BRADY. HOLY SHIT. I LOVE IT.
GODDAMN,
BRADY. HOLY SHIT. I LOVE IT. GODDAMN, COACH. I HAD SOME GOOD
ONES
GODDAMN, COACH. I HAD SOME GOOD ONES FOR YOU TOO. CAN I JUST
TELL
ONES FOR YOU TOO. CAN I JUST TELL YOU ONE OF THEM? I WAS
LIKE
TELL YOU ONE OF THEM? I WAS LIKE OKAY, CAN I JUST TELL YOU
ONE?
LIKE OKAY, CAN I JUST TELL YOU ONE? I'M NOT GOING TO DO THEM,
BUT
ONE? I'M NOT GOING TO DO THEM, BUT LET ME TELL YOU ONE. IT'S
DIFFERENT,
BUT LET ME TELL YOU ONE. IT'S DIFFERENT, AS I CALL YOU
CAPTAIN
DIFFERENT, AS I CALL YOU CAPTAIN SMILES BECAUSE I NEVER
SEE
CAPTAIN SMILES BECAUSE I NEVER SEE YOU SMILE. OH, HE'S ALWAYS
ANGRY.
SEE YOU SMILE. OH, HE'S ALWAYS ANGRY. PEOPLE CALL HIM A PIECE
OF
ANGRY. PEOPLE CALL HIM A PIECE OF SHIT, BUT I'M SAYING PIECE
IS
OF SHIT, BUT I'M SAYING PIECE IS NOT IT BECAUSE HE'S A LOT
OF
IS NOT IT BECAUSE HE'S A LOT OF SHIT, LIKE A BUNCH OF
PIECES.
OF SHIT, LIKE A BUNCH OF PIECES. LIKE THAT WAS ONE OF
THEM.
PIECES. LIKE THAT WAS ONE OF THEM. JUST A PILE OF SHIT.
OKAY,
THEM. JUST A PILE OF SHIT. OKAY, I THINK I'M BLOWING IT,
FUCK
OKAY, I THINK I'M BLOWING IT, FUCK IT. NO, COACH, DON'T DO
THAT.
FUCK IT. NO, COACH, DON'T DO THAT. DON'T GO OFF ON ME.
DON'T
THAT. DON'T GO OFF ON ME. DON'T DO THAT. ALL RIGHT, I'M
ON
DON'T DO THAT. ALL RIGHT, I'M ON YOUR SIDE. I'M ON YOUR
SIDE.
ON YOUR SIDE. I'M ON YOUR SIDE. BILL, I GOT TO BE HONEST,
I
SIDE. BILL, I GOT TO BE HONEST, I REALLY WAS A LITTLE TOUCHED
TO
I REALLY WAS A LITTLE TOUCHED TO THE FACT YOU CAME OUT. I'M
DEAD
TO THE FACT YOU CAME OUT. I'M DEAD SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. THAT
WAS
DEAD SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. THAT WAS A VERY GENTLEMAN LIKE MOVE
ON
WAS A VERY GENTLEMAN LIKE MOVE ON YOUR BEHALF. TOM, YOU BETTER
FUCKING
ON YOUR BEHALF. TOM, YOU BETTER FUCKING APPRECIATE THAT AND
TELL
FUCKING APPRECIATE THAT AND TELL HIM ABOUT IT LATER. ALL
RIGHT?
TELL HIM ABOUT IT LATER. ALL RIGHT? GOD, WHAT A NIGHT. WHAT
A
RIGHT? GOD, WHAT A NIGHT. WHAT A NIGHT. ARE YOU GUYS HAVING A
GOOD
A NIGHT. ARE YOU GUYS HAVING A GOOD TIME? I AM. ARE WE HAVING
A
GOOD TIME? I AM. ARE WE HAVING A GOOD TIME? YES? AT HOME I
HOPE
A GOOD TIME? YES? AT HOME I HOPE YOU ALL ARE TOO. THE FACT
THIS
HOPE YOU ALL ARE TOO. THE FACT THIS IS LIVE AND IT'S ON
NETFLIX
THIS IS LIVE AND IT'S ON NETFLIX IS INSANE. THE FIRST OF
ITS
NETFLIX IS INSANE. THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. THERE WILL NOT BE THE
LAST.
ITS KIND. THERE WILL NOT BE THE LAST. I THINK WE'RE GOING TO
DO
LAST. I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO MORE BECAUSE IT'S JUST
GOING
DO MORE BECAUSE IT'S JUST GOING SO WELL. LET'S KEEP THE
GODDAMN
GOING SO WELL. LET'S KEEP THE GODDAMN TRAIN ROLLING. GUYS,
YOUR
GODDAMN TRAIN ROLLING. GUYS, YOUR NEXT ROASTER IS IN LOVE
WITH
YOUR NEXT ROASTER IS IN LOVE WITH TOM BRADY, AND I DO MEAN
THAT.
WITH TOM BRADY, AND I DO MEAN THAT. THOSE AREN'T MY WORDS.
THAT'S
THAT. THOSE AREN'T MY WORDS. THAT'S WHAT HE WROTE ON A
MIRROR
THAT'S WHAT HE WROTE ON A MIRROR IN HIS DRESSING ROOM. HE
MIGHT
MIRROR IN HIS DRESSING ROOM. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY POP THE QUESTION
TONIGHT
MIGHT ACTUALLY POP THE QUESTION TONIGHT OR HE MIGHT POP HIS MA
MIGHT ACTUALLY POP THE QUESTION TONIGHT OR HE MIGHT POP HIS MAN
PUSSY.
TONIGHT OR HE MIGHT POP HIS MAN PUSSY. PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE
FOR
PUSSY. PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE FOR JULIAN EDELMAN. COME ON,
JULIAN.
WHAT A NIGHT. WHAT A NIGHT.
THERE
WHAT A NIGHT. WHAT A NIGHT. THERE ARE SO MANY LEGENDARY
PATRIOTS
THERE ARE SO MANY LEGENDARY PATRIOTS HERE TONIGHT. I
FIGURED
PATRIOTS HERE TONIGHT. I FIGURED THE NEXT TIME I'LL SEE
YOU
FIGURED THE NEXT TIME I'LL SEE YOU ALL WILL BE AT KRAFT'S
FUNERAL.
YOU ALL WILL BE AT KRAFT'S FUNERAL. SORRY, MR. KRAFT. NOW
LET'S
FUNERAL. SORRY, MR. KRAFT. NOW LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR OUR HOST,
KEVIN
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR OUR HOST, KEVIN HART. I KNOW EVERYONE'S
GONNA
KEVIN HART. I KNOW EVERYONE'S GONNA MAKE SHORT JOKES ABOUT
YOU
GONNA MAKE SHORT JOKES ABOUT YOU TONIGHT, BUT NOT ME. I'M
GOING
YOU TONIGHT, BUT NOT ME. I'M GOING TO MAKE BLACK JOKES.
KEVIN,
GOING TO MAKE BLACK JOKES. KEVIN, YOU ARE SO BLACK THAT
WHEN
KEVIN, YOU ARE SO BLACK THAT WHEN I SAW YOU, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE
WHEN I SAW YOU, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BERT KREISCHER'S LIVER.
AND
AND BERT
AND BERT KREISCHER'S LIVER IS
SO
AND BERT KREISCHER'S LIVER IS SO BLACK, IT JUST DID FOUR
HOURS
SO BLACK, IT JUST DID FOUR HOURS ON THE SHANNON SHARPE
PODCAST.
HOURS ON THE SHANNON SHARPE PODCAST. JEFF ROSS IS HERE.
WHAT'S
PODCAST. JEFF ROSS IS HERE. WHAT'S UP, JEFF? FUN FACT,
JEFF
WHAT'S UP, JEFF? FUN FACT, JEFF AND I ARE BOTH JEWISH. THE
DIFFERENCE
JEFF AND I ARE BOTH JEWISH. THE DIFFERENCE IS I'M THE KIND OF
YOU
DIFFERENCE IS I'M THE KIND OF YOU THAT PEOPLE LOOK AT AND SAY
OH,
YOU THAT PEOPLE LOOK AT AND SAY OH, HE'S JEWISH?
AND
AND JEFF'S THE KIND OF JEW
THAT
AND JEFF'S THE KIND OF JEW THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO JOIN
HAMAS.
THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO JOIN HAMAS. GRONK'S HERE. I DON'T
REALLY
HAMAS. GRONK'S HERE. I DON'T REALLY HAVE A JOKE. I JUST WANT
TO
REALLY HAVE A JOKE. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE HE KNOWS. GRONK,
YOU'RE
TO MAKE SURE HE KNOWS. GRONK, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT. I'M
SO
YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, BUBS, I'M SO
PROUD
SO PROUD OF YOU, BUBS, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. NOW EVERYONE
ALWAYS
PROUD OF YOU. NOW EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS ME HOW BIG GRONK'S
DICK
ALWAYS ASKS ME HOW BIG GRONK'S DICK IS. NOW DON'T GET ME
WRONG,
DICK IS. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, IT GETS THE JOB DONE.
BUT
WRONG, IT GETS THE JOB DONE. BUT THERE WAS THIS OTHER
PATRIOTS
BUT THERE WAS THIS OTHER PATRIOTS TIGHT END. NOW HE WAS
HUNG.
PATRIOTS TIGHT END. NOW HE WAS HUNG. THINK ABOUT IT. THINK
ABOUT
HUNG. THINK ABOUT IT. THINK ABOUT IT. COACH BELICHICK'S
HERE.
ABOUT IT. COACH BELICHICK'S HERE. OH COACH, YOU BARREL
CHESTED
HERE. OH COACH, YOU BARREL CHESTED SON OF A BITCH. YOU
REMEMBER
CHESTED SON OF A BITCH. YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO YELL
AT
REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO YELL AT US? LOOK ASSHOLES, THE
FUCKING
AT US? LOOK ASSHOLES, THE FUCKING KIDS AT FOXBOROUGH HIGH
CAN
FUCKING KIDS AT FOXBOROUGH HIGH CAN MAKE THAT FUCKING PLAY.
I'VE
CAN MAKE THAT FUCKING PLAY. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR
SO
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG. LOOK, ASSHOLE,
FOXBOROUGH
SO LONG. LOOK, ASSHOLE, FOXBOROUGH HIGH IS THE ONLY JOB
OFFER
FOXBOROUGH HIGH IS THE ONLY JOB OFFER YOU FUCKING HAD.
DO
DO YOUR
DO YOUR JOB? MORE LIKE NEED A
JOB,
DO YOUR JOB? MORE LIKE NEED A JOB, COACH. NOW WE GET TO TOM.
LOOK
JOB, COACH. NOW WE GET TO TOM. LOOK AT YOU, YOU HANDSOME
DEVIL.
LOOK AT YOU, YOU HANDSOME DEVIL. TB12, TOMPA BRADY, THE
GOAT.
DEVIL. TB12, TOMPA BRADY, THE GOAT. OR AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM,
LEONARDO
GOAT. OR AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM, LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S
EX-GIRLFRIEND'S
LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S EX-GIRLFRIEND'S EX-HUSBAND.
WHEN
EX-GIRLFRIEND'S EX-HUSBAND. WHEN WE PLAYED TOGETHER, TOM,
YOU
WHEN WE PLAYED TOGETHER, TOM, YOU USED TO SCREAM LASER FOCUS,
LASER
YOU USED TO SCREAM LASER FOCUS, LASER FOCUS! NOW THAT'S WHAT
HE
LASER FOCUS! NOW THAT'S WHAT HE SCREAMS AT HIS PLASTIC
SURGEON.
HE SCREAMS AT HIS PLASTIC SURGEON. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW,
TOM?
SURGEON. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, TOM? NOT YOU BECAUSE YOUR FACE
CAN'T
TOM? NOT YOU BECAUSE YOUR FACE CAN'T MOVE AND YOU DON'T HAVE
A
CAN'T MOVE AND YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. NOW WHEN I
GOT
A SENSE OF HUMOR. NOW WHEN I GOT TO NEW ENGLAND, YOU WERE
ALREADY
GOT TO NEW ENGLAND, YOU WERE ALREADY TOM MOTHERFUCKIN BRADY.
THREE
ALREADY TOM MOTHERFUCKIN BRADY. THREE SUPER BOWLS, MARRIED TO A
SUPERMODEL.
THREE SUPER BOWLS, MARRIED TO A SUPERMODEL. I WANTED TO BE LIKE
YOU
SUPERMODEL. I WANTED TO BE LIKE YOU SO BAD, BRO THAT WHEN YOUR
WIFE
YOU SO BAD, BRO THAT WHEN YOUR WIFE LEFT, I THOUGHT ABOUT
GETTING
WIFE LEFT, I THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING RID OF MY BEARD TOO.
YOU'RE
GETTING RID OF MY BEARD TOO. YOU'RE GAY. YOU'RE GAY. BUT
HEY,
YOU'RE GAY. YOU'RE GAY. BUT HEY, BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT
HEY, BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR WIFE. HE'S ACTUALLY
HERE.
ABOUT YOUR WIFE. HE'S ACTUALLY HERE. ALEX GUERRERO, EVERYONE.
FOR
HERE. ALEX GUERRERO, EVERYONE. FOR THOSE OF YOU DON'T KNOW,
ALEX
FOR THOSE OF YOU DON'T KNOW, ALEX IS THE SNAKE OIL SALESMAN
WHO
ALEX IS THE SNAKE OIL SALESMAN WHO TRANSFORMED TOM INTO A
TOTAL
WHO TRANSFORMED TOM INTO A TOTAL FUCKING WEIRDO. NOW HE'S
WEIRD.
TOTAL FUCKING WEIRDO. NOW HE'S WEIRD. HE'S FUCKING WEIRD. I
KNOW
WEIRD. HE'S FUCKING WEIRD. I KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT
OF
KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT ME BEING GAY FOR
TOM.
OF JOKES ABOUT ME BEING GAY FOR TOM. WELL LET ME SET THE RECORD
STRAIGHT,
TOM. WELL LET ME SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, THOSE BALLS AREN'T
GOING
STRAIGHT, THOSE BALLS AREN'T GOING TO DEFLATE THEMSELVES.
THAT
GOING TO DEFLATE THEMSELVES. THAT TB12 METHOD WORKS. LOTS OF
PINEAPPLES
THAT TB12 METHOD WORKS. LOTS OF PINEAPPLES IN THOSE SMOOTHIES.
SWEET
PINEAPPLES IN THOSE SMOOTHIES. SWEET CUM, SWEET CUM IF YOU
DIDN'T
SWEET CUM, SWEET CUM IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT. HONESTLY TH
SWEET CUM, SWEET CUM IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT. HONESTLY THE
ONLY
DIDN'T KNOW THAT. HONESTLY THE ONLY REASON I CAME HERE TONIGHT
IS
ONLY REASON I CAME HERE TONIGHT IS WILL YOU COME ON MY FUCKING
PODCAST
IS WILL YOU COME ON MY FUCKING PODCAST ALREADY, BRO? I'VE HA
IS WILL YOU COME ON MY FUCKING PODCAST ALREADY, BRO? I'VE HAD
PEYTON
PODCAST ALREADY, BRO? I'VE HAD PEYTON MANNING, EVERYONE ELSE,
ELI
PEYTON MANNING, EVERYONE ELSE, ELI MANNING. NAH, BUT TOM,
YOU'RE
ELI MANNING. NAH, BUT TOM, YOU'RE MY BROTHER. I OWE YOU
EVERYTHING.
YOU'RE MY BROTHER. I OWE YOU EVERYTHING. YOU LET ME INTO
YOUR
EVERYTHING. YOU LET ME INTO YOUR INNER CIRCLE, BRO, AND YOU
SHOWED
YOUR INNER CIRCLE, BRO, AND YOU SHOWED ME WHAT IT MEANT TO BE A
PROFESSIONAL,
SHOWED ME WHAT IT MEANT TO BE A PROFESSIONAL, AND I'D DO
ANYTHING
PROFESSIONAL, AND I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, BUBS. I LOVE
YOU.
ANYTHING FOR YOU, BUBS. I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE A GREAT SPORT FOR
DOING
YOU. YOU'RE A GREAT SPORT FOR DOING THIS. AND WHO ARE WE
KIDDING?
DOING THIS. AND WHO ARE WE KIDDING? THIS IS TOM MOTHER
FUCKING
KIDDING? THIS IS TOM MOTHER FUCKING BRADY! JUST REMEMBER
THESE
FUCKING BRADY! JUST REMEMBER THESE ARE JOKES, TOM. THESE AR
FUCKING BRADY! JUST REMEMBER THESE ARE JOKES, TOM. THESE ARE
ALL
THESE ARE JOKES, TOM. THESE ARE ALL JOKES BECAUSE YOU'RE MY
GRAVY
ALL JOKES BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GRAVY TRAIN. I LOVE YOU, BUBS.
LET'S
GRAVY TRAIN. I LOVE YOU, BUBS. LET'S GO!
WHITE
WHITE BOY
WHITE BOY AT ITS FINEST. BOY
THE
WHITE BOY AT ITS FINEST. BOY THE WHITE BOYS LOVE TO PLAY
WITH
THE WHITE BOYS LOVE TO PLAY WITH THE DICK JOKES. I DON'T
KNOW
WITH THE DICK JOKES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT
KNOW WHAT IT IS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS ABOUT THE
CULTURAL
WHAT THE FUCK IT IS ABOUT THE CULTURAL SEPARATION. WILLIE,
YOU
CULTURAL SEPARATION. WILLIE, YOU WERE IN THAT LOCKER ROOM.
HOW
YOU WERE IN THAT LOCKER ROOM. HOW MANY DICK JOKES FLEW YOUR
WAY?
HOW MANY DICK JOKES FLEW YOUR WAY? HOW MANY DICK JOKES FLEW
YOUR
WAY? HOW MANY DICK JOKES FLEW YOUR WAY, WILLIE? I BET NOT
ONE.
YOUR WAY, WILLIE? I BET NOT ONE. I BET YOU SAID MOTHER
FUCKING
ONE. I BET YOU SAID MOTHER FUCKING I'LL GIVE YOU IF YOU
SAY
FUCKING I'LL GIVE YOU IF YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. JULIAN
JUST
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. JULIAN JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT DRAINING
TOM'S
JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT DRAINING TOM'S BALLS. TOM WAS LIKE
YEAH.
TOM'S BALLS. TOM WAS LIKE YEAH. NO. IT'S FUCKING
TOM'S BALLS. TOM WAS LIKE YEAH. NO. IT'S FUCKING-- THIS
IS
YEAH. NO. IT'S FUCKING-- THIS IS LIVE ON NETFLIX. IT'S LIKE
MILLIONS
IS LIVE ON NETFLIX. IT'S LIKE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHING.
TWO
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHING. TWO WHITE BOYS, YOUR DICK, MY
DICK,
TWO WHITE BOYS, YOUR DICK, MY DICK, MY BALLS, YOUR BALLS.
WHAT
DICK, MY BALLS, YOUR BALLS. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
IT'S
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? IT'S LIVE TELEVISION. NO,
JULIAN,
IT'S LIVE TELEVISION. NO, JULIAN, NO! TOM, YOU'RE
SUPPOSE
JULIAN, NO! TOM, YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO TACKLE THAT MOTHER
FUCKER
SUPPOSE TO TACKLE THAT MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT HERE. THE ONLY
PERSON
FUCKER RIGHT HERE. THE ONLY PERSON TO CELEBRATE WAS JEFF.
I'LL
PERSON TO CELEBRATE WAS JEFF. I'LL DO IT TOO IF YOU WANT ME
TO.
I'LL DO IT TOO IF YOU WANT ME TO. JEFF, SAM JAY SAID
SOMETHING
TO. JEFF, SAM JAY SAID SOMETHING EARLIER AND I'VE BEEN
THINKING
SOMETHING EARLIER AND I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT EVER SINCE.
SHE
THINKING ABOUT IT EVER SINCE. SHE STARTED TALKING ABOUT HER
DILDO,
SHE STARTED TALKING ABOUT HER DILDO, LIKE OH MY GOD, WHAT MY
DILDO
DILDO, LIKE OH MY GOD, WHAT MY DILDO WOULD LOOK LIKE. I BET
HER
DILDO WOULD LOOK LIKE. I BET HER DILDO LOOKS LIKE JEFF ROSS.
A
HER DILDO LOOKS LIKE JEFF ROSS. A LITTLE FUCKING WHITE DICK. IF
YOU'VE
A LITTLE FUCKING WHITE DICK. IF YOU'VE GOT A WHITE DICK, I'LL
NEVER
YOU'VE GOT A WHITE DICK, I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN, I
SWEAR
NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN, I SWEAR TO GOD. ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
THIS
SWEAR TO GOD. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THIS ROAST HONESTLY IS GOING SO
WELL.
THIS ROAST HONESTLY IS GOING SO WELL. IT'S GOING SO GOOD, SO
GOOD.
WELL. IT'S GOING SO GOOD, SO GOOD. NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE
PERFORMANCES,
GOOD. NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE PERFORMANCES, WHICH HAVE BEEN
AMAZING,
PERFORMANCES, WHICH HAVE BEEN AMAZING, BUT BECAUSE OF OUR
LIVE
AMAZING, BUT BECAUSE OF OUR LIVE AUDIENCE. YOU GUYS HAVE
BEEN
LIVE AUDIENCE. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AMAZING, MAN. MAKE SOME
NOISE
BEEN AMAZING, MAN. MAKE SOME NOISE FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. I
NEED
NOISE FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO KNOW MY LIVE AUDIENCE
IS
NEED TO KNOW MY LIVE AUDIENCE IS STILL WITH ME. WE CAN DO
BETTER
IS STILL WITH ME. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT. MAKE SOME
GODDAMN
BETTER THAN THAT. MAKE SOME GODDAMN NOISE! YES! ALL RIGHT,
NEXT
GODDAMN NOISE! YES! ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP IS THE HOST OF THE
NUMBER
NEXT UP IS THE HOST OF THE NUMBER ONE LIVE PODCAST IN THE
WORLD.
NUMBER ONE LIVE PODCAST IN THE WORLD. GUYS, HE'S SITTING IN
THE
WORLD. GUYS, HE'S SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE HE'S SO
HATED
THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE HE'S SO HATED THAT WE MADE HIM BUY A
FUCKING
HATED THAT WE MADE HIM BUY A FUCKING TICKET. GIVE IT UP TO
THE
FUCKING TICKET. GIVE IT UP TO THE HOST, TONY HINCHCLIFFE.
LET'S
THE HOST, TONY HINCHCLIFFE. LET'S GO, TONY.
HOWDY.
HOWDY. WE
HOWDY. WE ARE HERE WITH A
SPECIAL
HOWDY. WE ARE HERE WITH A SPECIAL EPISODE OF KILL TONY,
KILL
SPECIAL EPISODE OF KILL TONY, KILL TOMMY. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW
IT
KILL TOMMY. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW IT WORKS. I'VE GOT A BUCKET. I
PULL
IT WORKS. I'VE GOT A BUCKET. I PULL SOMEONE'S NAME OUT, THEY
GET
PULL SOMEONE'S NAME OUT, THEY GET 60 SECONDS, INTERRUPTED.
YOU
GET 60 SECONDS, INTERRUPTED. YOU KNOW THEIR TIME IS UP WHEN
THEY
YOU KNOW THEIR TIME IS UP WHEN THEY HEAR THE SOUND OF A KITTY.
THAT
THEY HEAR THE SOUND OF A KITTY. THAT MEANS THEY HAVE TO WRAP IT
UP
THAT MEANS THEY HAVE TO WRAP IT UP THEN. SO HERE WE GO. I
PULLED
UP THEN. SO HERE WE GO. I PULLED OUT, OH WOW, LOOK, IT'S
DANA
PULLED OUT, OH WOW, LOOK, IT'S DANA WHITE EVERYBODY. MAKE SOME
NOISE
DANA WHITE EVERYBODY. MAKE SOME NOISE FOR THE GREAT DANA WHITE.
60
NOISE FOR THE GREAT DANA WHITE. 60 SECONDS INTERRUPTED FOR DANA
WHITE.
60 SECONDS INTERRUPTED FOR DANA WHITE. THE PRESIDENT OF UFC.
THANK
WHITE. THE PRESIDENT OF UFC. THANK YOU.
THIS
THANK YOU. THIS IS NOT MY THING, SO
I'M
THIS IS NOT MY THING, SO I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS SHORT
LIKE
I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS SHORT LIKE GRONK'S BUS. ACTUALLY LET
ME
LIKE GRONK'S BUS. ACTUALLY LET ME GET INTO THIS REAL QUICK. IT
PISSES
ME GET INTO THIS REAL QUICK. IT PISSES ME OFF, I FLEW ALL THE
WAY
PISSES ME OFF, I FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE AND YOU GUYS GIVE
ME
WAY OUT HERE AND YOU GUYS GIVE ME 60 SECONDS? MY NAME IS DANA.
IS
ME 60 SECONDS? MY NAME IS DANA. IS THAT NOT TRANS ENOU FOR
YOU
IS THAT NOT TRANS ENOU FOR YOU LIBERAL FUCKS? NO? ALL
RIGHT,
YOU LIBERAL FUCKS? NO? ALL RIGHT, TOM, YOU PLAYED FOR THE
PATRIOTS
RIGHT, TOM, YOU PLAYED FOR THE PATRIOTS FOR SO LONG THAT I WAS
ACTUALLY
PATRIOTS FOR SO LONG THAT I WAS ACTUALLY STARTING TO FEEL LIKE
YOU
ACTUALLY STARTING TO FEEL LIKE YOU WERE FROM BOSTON. THEN I
SAW
YOU WERE FROM BOSTON. THEN I SAW YOU RUNNING, AND I WAS LIKE
NO,
SAW YOU RUNNING, AND I WAS LIKE NO, HE'S DEFINITELY FROM SAN
FRANCISCO.
NO, HE'S DEFINITELY FROM SAN FRANCISCO. YOU LED THE LEAGUE
FOR
FRANCISCO. YOU LED THE LEAGUE FOR 20 YEARS IN PASSING AS A
STRAIGHT
FOR 20 YEARS IN PASSING AS A STRAIGHT GUY. COME ON. HEY, I
GOT
STRAIGHT GUY. COME ON. HEY, I GOT TWO OF THE BADDEST DUDES IN
THE
GOT TWO OF THE BADDEST DUDES IN THE WORLD HERE RIGHT NOW. SUGAR
SEAN
THE WORLD HERE RIGHT NOW. SUGAR SEAN O'MALLEY AND MAX HOLLOWAY.
TOM,
SEAN O'MALLEY AND MAX HOLLOWAY. TOM, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A
GREAT
TOM, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT FIGHTER. YOU'RE ALREADY
THE
GREAT FIGHTER. YOU'RE ALREADY THE MASTER OF THE GROUND AND
POUND.
THE MASTER OF THE GROUND AND POUND. THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL
COFFEE
POUND. THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL COFFEE DATE WITH YOUR
BOYFRIEND,
COFFEE DATE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, ALEX GUERRERO. ONE
MORE
BOYFRIEND, ALEX GUERRERO. ONE MORE THING, YOU PEOPLE PROBABLY
DON'T
MORE THING, YOU PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT JEFF ROSS
WAS
DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT JEFF ROSS WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THE UFC.
HE
WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THE UFC. HE THOUGHT IT MEANT UNLIMITED
FRIED
HE THOUGHT IT MEANT UNLIMITED FRIED CHICKEN. I LOVE YOU, TOM.
DANA
FRIED CHICKEN. I LOVE YOU, TOM. DANA WHITE, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
DANA WHITE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. GREAT JOB, DANA. YOU
KNOW,
GENTLEMEN. GREAT JOB, DANA. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOU MIGHT NOT
KNOW
KNOW, A LOT OF YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS, BUT DANA IS THE
MILLIONAIRE
KNOW THIS, BUT DANA IS THE MILLIONAIRE FOUNDER OF THE UFC,
AND
MILLIONAIRE FOUNDER OF THE UFC, AND HE'S ALSO A DEGENERATE
GAMBLER.
AND HE'S ALSO A DEGENERATE GAMBLER. SO THAT'S FUCKING
AWESOME,
GAMBLER. SO THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME, DANA. HEY, TOM, THIS
IS
AWESOME, DANA. HEY, TOM, THIS IS GREAT. NICE SHOES, BITCH.
DID
IS GREAT. NICE SHOES, BITCH. DID YOU WIN THOSE IN THE
DIVORCE?
DID YOU WIN THOSE IN THE DIVORCE? OH, I LOVE IT. THIS IS
A
DIVORCE? OH, I LOVE IT. THIS IS A FUCKING STELLAR UP HERE.
RANDY
A FUCKING STELLAR UP HERE. RANDY MOSS, I WAS UPSET BILL
BELICHICK
RANDY MOSS, I WAS UPSET BILL BELICHICK SAID HE WOULDN'T
GIVE
BELICHICK SAID HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A RING. YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE
GIVE YOU A RING. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE DOESN'T HAVE A RING? BILL
BELICHICK'S
ELSE DOESN'T HAVE A RING? BILL BELICHICK'S PHONE. EVERYONE IS
UP
BELICHICK'S PHONE. EVERYONE IS UP HERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT A
BIG
UP HERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BIG WINNER TOM IS. BUT LET ME
TELL
BIG WINNER TOM IS. BUT LET ME TELL YOU, TOM IS AFRAID OF THE
GIANTS,
TELL YOU, TOM IS AFRAID OF THE GIANTS, WHICH IS WHY KEVIN HART
IS
GIANTS, WHICH IS WHY KEVIN HART IS HOSTING TONIGHT. IT'S TRUE.
ALL
IS HOSTING TONIGHT. IT'S TRUE. ALL NIGHT HE'S BEEN USING THE
STOOL
ALL NIGHT HE'S BEEN USING THE STOOL AARON HERNANDEZ KICKED
OUT
STOOL AARON HERNANDEZ KICKED OUT FROM OUTSIDE BENEATH
HIMSELF.
OUT FROM OUTSIDE BENEATH HIMSELF. YEAH. IT'S TRUE.
KEVIN
HIMSELF. YEAH. IT'S TRUE. KEVIN IS SO SMALL THAT WHEN HIS
ANCESTORS
KEVIN IS SO SMALL THAT WHEN HIS ANCESTORS PICKED COTTON, THEY
CALLED
ANCESTORS PICKED COTTON, THEY CALLED IT DEAD LIFTING. SO MANY
GREAT
CALLED IT DEAD LIFTING. SO MANY GREAT QUARTERBACKS UP HERE. YOU
KNOW
GREAT QUARTERBACKS UP HERE. YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T PASS? KEVIN
HART
KNOW WHO DOESN'T PASS? KEVIN HART ON ANY MOVIE HE'S OFFERED.
BUT
HART ON ANY MOVIE HE'S OFFERED. BUT WE ARE HERE FOR TOM. TOM
BRADY
BUT WE ARE HERE FOR TOM. TOM BRADY IS A PATRIOT, WHICH IS
SURPRISING
BRADY IS A PATRIOT, WHICH IS SURPRISING CONSIDERING HE LOOKS
LIKE
SURPRISING CONSIDERING HE LOOKS LIKE A CONFEDERATE FAG. TOM
BRADY,
LIKE A CONFEDERATE FAG. TOM BRADY, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE A
GAY
BRADY, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE A GAY TOM BRADY? CLEARLY YOUR
EX-WIFE
GAY TOM BRADY? CLEARLY YOUR EX-WIFE TAKES AFTER YOU. I HEAR
SHE'S
EX-WIFE TAKES AFTER YOU. I HEAR SHE'S OUT THERE DRAINING BALLS
RIGHT
SHE'S OUT THERE DRAINING BALLS RIGHT NOW. PEOPLE LOVE YOU,
TOM.
RIGHT NOW. PEOPLE LOVE YOU, TOM. YOU HAVE THE SAME FAN BASE
AS
TOM. YOU HAVE THE SAME FAN BASE AS KYLE RITTENHOUSE. GRONK,
I'M
AS KYLE RITTENHOUSE. GRONK, I'M HAPPY YOU CAN TAKE A BREAK
FROM
I'M HAPPY YOU CAN TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING SANTA LETTERS TO
BE
FROM WRITING SANTA LETTERS TO BE HERE TODAY. I KNEW YOU WERE
HERE
BE HERE TODAY. I KNEW YOU WERE HERE WHEN WE WERE ALL OUT OF
CHOCOLATE
HERE WHEN WE WERE ALL OUT OF CHOCOLATE MILK BACKSTAGE. BY
THE
CHOCOLATE MILK BACKSTAGE. BY THE WAY, GRONK, THAT'S KEVIN
HART
THE WAY, GRONK, THAT'S KEVIN HART SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
THAT'S
HART SITTING NEXT TO YOU. THAT'S NOT YOUR SHADOW. GRONK,
YOU
THAT'S NOT YOUR SHADOW. GRONK, YOU LOOK LIKE THE NAZI THAT
KEPT
YOU LOOK LIKE THE NAZI THAT KEPT BURNING HIMSELF IN THE
OVENS.
KEPT BURNING HIMSELF IN THE OVENS. YOU LOOK LIKE THE FINAL
BOSS
OVENS. YOU LOOK LIKE THE FINAL BOSS IN GEORGE FLOYD, THE VIDEO
GAME.
BOSS IN GEORGE FLOYD, THE VIDEO GAME. THE GREAT JEFF ROSS,
LADIES
GAME. THE GREAT JEFF ROSS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. JEFF IS
SO
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. JEFF IS SO JEWISH HE ONLY WATCHES
FOOTBALL
SO JEWISH HE ONLY WATCHES FOOTBALL FOR THE COIN TOSS.
AND,
FOOTBALL FOR THE COIN TOSS. AND, OF COURSE, THROWING LONG
BOMBS
AND, OF COURSE, THROWING LONG BOMBS AT BROWN PEOPLE. NIKKI
GLASER,
BOMBS AT BROWN PEOPLE. NIKKI GLASER, WHAT A PERFORMANCE
TONIGHT.
GLASER, WHAT A PERFORMANCE TONIGHT. AM I RIGHT? ABSOLUTELY
KILLER
TONIGHT. AM I RIGHT? ABSOLUTELY KILLER SET. NIKKI, WHO WROTE
THAT?
KILLER SET. NIKKI, WHO WROTE THAT? WHERE WAS THAT IN YOUR
ENTIRE
THAT? WHERE WAS THAT IN YOUR ENTIRE CAREER? NIKKI HAS SUCH A
BAD
ENTIRE CAREER? NIKKI HAS SUCH A BAD EATING DISORDER THE
INDUSTRY
BAD EATING DISORDER THE INDUSTRY KEEPS SHOVING HER DOWN
OUR
INDUSTRY KEEPS SHOVING HER DOWN OUR THROAT. YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE
HER
OUR THROAT. YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE HER PODCAST APPEARANCE SPECIALS
IN
HER PODCAST APPEARANCE SPECIALS IN WINNING THE TRIPLE CROWN AT
CHURCHILL
IN WINNING THE TRIPLE CROWN AT CHURCHILL DOWNS. YOU MIGHT
RECOGNIZE
CHURCHILL DOWNS. YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE KEVIN AS THE JOCKEY
THAT
RECOGNIZE KEVIN AS THE JOCKEY THAT RODE HER. AND THAT'S
CHURCHILL
THAT RODE HER. AND THAT'S CHURCHILL DOWNS THE RACETRACK,
NOT
CHURCHILL DOWNS THE RACETRACK, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH WHAT
JEFF
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH WHAT JEFF ROSS LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE
SMOKES
JEFF ROSS LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE SMOKES A CIGAR. SAM JAY,
EVERYBODY,
SMOKES A CIGAR. SAM JAY, EVERYBODY, KILLED IN OBESE
AFRICAN
EVERYBODY, KILLED IN OBESE AFRICAN AMERICAN LESBIAN. SO BY
HAVING
AFRICAN AMERICAN LESBIAN. SO BY HAVING HER NETFLIX CHECKED OFF
A
HAVING HER NETFLIX CHECKED OFF A LOT OF BOXES. YEAH. SHE IS A
BLACK
A LOT OF BOXES. YEAH. SHE IS A BLACK LESBO, WHICH MEANS SHE
DOESN'T
BLACK LESBO, WHICH MEANS SHE DOESN'T EAT PUSSY, SHE ALL
HELL
DOESN'T EAT PUSSY, SHE ALL HELL NAWS ON IT. EARTHQUAKE'S
ON
HELL NAWS ON IT. EARTHQUAKE'S ON HIS FEET. I'M KILLING. YOU
MIGHT
ON HIS FEET. I'M KILLING. YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE SAM FROM THIS.
HER
MIGHT RECOGNIZE SAM FROM THIS. HER ENTIRE WIKIPEDIA COULD FIT
INTO
HER ENTIRE WIKIPEDIA COULD FIT INTO A FORTUNE COOKIE. ANDREW
SCHULZ,
INTO A FORTUNE COOKIE. ANDREW SCHULZ, I'M GLAD YOU TOOK A
BREAK
SCHULZ, I'M GLAD YOU TOOK A BREAK FROM WATCHING YOUTUBE
VIDEOS
BREAK FROM WATCHING YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON HOW TO DAP UP BLACK
DUDES
VIDEOS ON HOW TO DAP UP BLACK DUDES CORRECTLY. HIS MOM IS A
PROFESSIONAL
DUDES CORRECTLY. HIS MOM IS A PROFESSIONAL BALLROOM DANCER,
WHICH
PROFESSIONAL BALLROOM DANCER, WHICH MEANS SHE'S A STRIPPER
THAT
WHICH MEANS SHE'S A STRIPPER THAT TALKS TOO MUCH. BERT
KREISCHER
THAT TALKS TOO MUCH. BERT KREISCHER IS THE KING. HE LOOKS
LIKE
KREISCHER IS THE KING. HE LOOKS LIKE THE TIGER KING AND LIVER
KING
LIKE THE TIGER KING AND LIVER KING ONLY ATE BURGER KING AND
HAS
KING ONLY ATE BURGER KING AND HAS A LIVER THAT GOT BEAT UP BY
RODNEY
HAS A LIVER THAT GOT BEAT UP BY RODNEY KING. AND HOW ABOUT THE
APPEARANCE
RODNEY KING. AND HOW ABOUT THE APPEARANCE FROM THE GREAT RON
BURGUNDY,
APPEARANCE FROM THE GREAT RON BURGUNDY, HUH? A WHALE'S
VAGINA,
BURGUNDY, HUH? A WHALE'S VAGINA, WHICH REMINDS ME KIM
KARDASHIAN'S
VAGINA, WHICH REMINDS ME KIM KARDASHIAN'S HERE. SHE'S HAD
A
KARDASHIAN'S HERE. SHE'S HAD A LOT OF BLACK MEN CELEBRATE IN
HER
A LOT OF BLACK MEN CELEBRATE IN HER END ZONE. KIM, WORD OF
ADVICE,
HER END ZONE. KIM, WORD OF ADVICE, CLOSE YOUR LEGS. YOU
HAVE
ADVICE, CLOSE YOUR LEGS. YOU HAVE MORE PUBLIC BEEF THAN
KENDRICK
HAVE MORE PUBLIC BEEF THAN KENDRICK AND DRAKE. THANK YOU,
GUYS.
KENDRICK AND DRAKE. THANK YOU, GUYS. THANK YOU, TOM. THANK
YOU,
GUYS. THANK YOU, TOM. THANK YOU, JEFF, THANK YOU, NETFLIX.
FUCKING
FUCKING GIVE IT UP FOR TONY.
GIVE
FUCKING GIVE IT UP FOR TONY. GIVE IT UP FOR TONY. OH GOD. OH
MY
GIVE IT UP FOR TONY. OH GOD. OH MY GOD. TONY, THAT'S GOOD. I
FEEL
MY GOD. TONY, THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD CLAP OR
HE'LL
FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD CLAP OR HE'LL GO SHOOT UP A SCHOOL. HE
LOOKS
HE'LL GO SHOOT UP A SCHOOL. HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO DO
SOMETHING
LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY. THE FUCKING
PANTS
SOMETHING CRAZY. THE FUCKING PANTS AND THAT BELT. YOU
FUCKING
PANTS AND THAT BELT. YOU FUCKING PODCASTERS. I SAID
DON'T
FUCKING PODCASTERS. I SAID DON'T LET HIM IN HERE.
GODDAMNIT,
DON'T LET HIM IN HERE. GODDAMNIT, THAT WAS GREAT
COMEDY,
GODDAMNIT, THAT WAS GREAT COMEDY, BIT FOR BIT. BIT FOR
BIT,
COMEDY, BIT FOR BIT. BIT FOR BIT, TONY. I BELIEVE YOU'RE
GIVEN
BIT, TONY. I BELIEVE YOU'RE GIVEN FLOWERS. I HAVE NOTHING
BAD
GIVEN FLOWERS. I HAVE NOTHING BAD TO SAY, MAN. PERFORMANCE,
GODDAMN,
BAD TO SAY, MAN. PERFORMANCE, GODDAMN, EVERY BOX. WHATEVER
YOU
GODDAMN, EVERY BOX. WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY YOU CHECKED. I
JUST
YOU WANT TO SAY YOU CHECKED. I JUST HAD TO SAY THIS, SAM, FUCK
HIM,
JUST HAD TO SAY THIS, SAM, FUCK HIM, ALL RIGHT? THE OLD HELL
NAW,
HIM, ALL RIGHT? THE OLD HELL NAW, THAT RIGHT THERE. THAT
RIGHT
NAW, THAT RIGHT THERE. THAT RIGHT THERE, I WANT TO COME
BACK
RIGHT THERE, I WANT TO COME BACK AND GET HIM FOR US BOTH,
BUT
BACK AND GET HIM FOR US BOTH, BUT THAT WAS REALLY GOOD. HE
GOT
BUT THAT WAS REALLY GOOD. HE GOT US GOOD, SAM. HE GOT THE
BLACK
GOT US GOOD, SAM. HE GOT THE BLACK CULTURE GOOD WITH THAT
ONE.
BLACK CULTURE GOOD WITH THAT ONE. OH HELL NAW. HE TURNED
INTO
ONE. OH HELL NAW. HE TURNED INTO TYLER PERRY IN THE MIDDLE
OF
INTO TYLER PERRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JOKE. FUCK YOU, TONY.
I'LL
OF THE JOKE. FUCK YOU, TONY. I'LL COME BACK IN A COUPLE OF
DAYS.
I'LL COME BACK IN A COUPLE OF DAYS. SAM, WE'LL GET HIM. JUST
NOT
DAYS. SAM, WE'LL GET HIM. JUST NOT NOW. LET HIM HAVE HIS
MOMENT.
NOT NOW. LET HIM HAVE HIS MOMENT. SON OF A BITCH. THAT
WAS
MOMENT. SON OF A BITCH. THAT WAS SO GOOD. ALL RIGHT, FUCK
THAT.
WAS SO GOOD. ALL RIGHT, FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU, TOM. ALL RIGHT?
ALL
THAT. FUCK YOU, TOM. ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. GUYS, OUR NEXT NFL
ROASTER
ALL RIGHT. GUYS, OUR NEXT NFL ROASTER HOLDS THE NFL RECORD
FOR
ROASTER HOLDS THE NFL RECORD FOR THE MOST RECEIVING
TOUCHDOWN
FOR THE MOST RECEIVING TOUCHDOWN BY A TIGHT END. OH MY
GOD.
TOUCHDOWN BY A TIGHT END. OH MY GOD. YES. YES, IT'S TRUE. AND
SOON,
GOD. YES. YES, IT'S TRUE. AND SOON, SOON HE'LL HOLD THE
RECORD
SOON, SOON HE'LL HOLD THE RECORD FOR MOST CONCUSSIONS
RECEIVED
RECORD FOR MOST CONCUSSIONS RECEIVED FROM READING A
TELEPROMPTER.
RECEIVED FROM READING A TELEPROMPTER. PLEASE WELCOME
ROB
TELEPROMPTER. PLEASE WELCOME ROB GRONKOWSKI. COME ON, ROB.
WOW,
WOW, THIS
WOW, THIS HAS BEEN A FUCKING
NIGHT.
WOW, THIS HAS BEEN A FUCKING NIGHT. KEVIN HART, FIRST OFF I
HAVE
NIGHT. KEVIN HART, FIRST OFF I HAVE TAKEN SHIT BIGGER AND
BLACKER
HAVE TAKEN SHIT BIGGER AND BLACKER THAN YOU. AND UNLIKE
YOU,
BLACKER THAN YOU. AND UNLIKE YOU, MY SHIT'S DON'T STINK
WHEN
YOU, MY SHIT'S DON'T STINK WHEN THEY'RE IN THE WATER.
YES,
WHEN THEY'RE IN THE WATER. YES, KEVIN LOOKS LIKE ONE OF MY
SHITS,
YES, KEVIN LOOKS LIKE ONE OF MY SHITS, AND JEFF ROSS LOOKS LIKE
ONE
SHITS, AND JEFF ROSS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF MY LIVERS IN 20 YEARS.
YEAH.
ONE OF MY LIVERS IN 20 YEARS. YEAH. SIT DOWN, BITCH. JEFF IS
SO
YEAH. SIT DOWN, BITCH. JEFF IS SO JEWISH THAT BACKSTAGE WHEN I
PUT
SO JEWISH THAT BACKSTAGE WHEN I PUT MY HANDS UP FOR A HIGH
FIVE,
PUT MY HANDS UP FOR A HIGH FIVE, HE TOOK TEN. BERT
KREISCHER,
FIVE, HE TOOK TEN. BERT KREISCHER, I DON'T KNOW, I
CAN'T
KREISCHER, I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T READ, WE ALL KNOW THAT.
HE'S
CAN'T READ, WE ALL KNOW THAT. HE'S HERE. BERT WENT TO FSU,
FAT
HE'S HERE. BERT WENT TO FSU, FAT SHIT UNIVERSITY. I LOVE
YOU,
FAT SHIT UNIVERSITY. I LOVE YOU, BERT EVEN THOUGH YOU STOLE
MY
YOU, BERT EVEN THOUGH YOU STOLE MY WHOLE DRUNKEN GIMMICK,
SHIRTLESS,
MY WHOLE DRUNKEN GIMMICK, SHIRTLESS, FUCKING THING I USED
TO
SHIRTLESS, FUCKING THING I USED TO DO BACK IN THE DAY. YOU'RE
MORE
TO DO BACK IN THE DAY. YOU'RE MORE LIKE SLOB GRONKOWSKI, YOU
FAT
MORE LIKE SLOB GRONKOWSKI, YOU FAT FUCK LARD. LOOK AT ALL MY
GUYS,
FAT FUCK LARD. LOOK AT ALL MY GUYS, RODNEY HARRISON, WHAT'S
UP,
GUYS, RODNEY HARRISON, WHAT'S UP, DAWG? WE'VE GOT MATT
LIGHT.
UP, DAWG? WE'VE GOT MATT LIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO GET MATT
LIT
LIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO GET MATT LIT TONIGHT. WHAT'S UP,
BROTHER?
LIT TONIGHT. WHAT'S UP, BROTHER? HOW ARE YOU DOING? AND
FUCKING
BROTHER? HOW ARE YOU DOING? AND FUCKING AMENDOLA. WHAT'S UP,
BUDDY?
FUCKING AMENDOLA. WHAT'S UP, BUDDY? YOU WENT INTO COACHING
LAST
BUDDY? YOU WENT INTO COACHING LAST YEAR, SO YOU ARE NOW KNOWN
AS
LAST YEAR, SO YOU ARE NOW KNOWN AS AMENDUMBASS. COACH
BELICHICK,
AS AMENDUMBASS. COACH BELICHICK, NICE TO SEE YOU,
SIR.
I'M
I'M YOUR
I'M YOUR LAST PRO BOWL PICK ON
THE
I'M YOUR LAST PRO BOWL PICK ON THE OFFENSIVE SIDE OF THE
FOOTBALL,
THE OFFENSIVE SIDE OF THE FOOTBALL, AND THAT WAS BACK IN
2009.
FOOTBALL, AND THAT WAS BACK IN 2009. BUT MAN, THIS IS LIKE A
FAMILY
2009. BUT MAN, THIS IS LIKE A FAMILY REUNION. TOM AND JULIAN
ARE
FAMILY REUNION. TOM AND JULIAN ARE LIKE BROTHERS TO ME. AND
DREW
ARE LIKE BROTHERS TO ME. AND DREW BLEDSOE IS THE GRANDFATHER
I
DREW BLEDSOE IS THE GRANDFATHER I ASSUMED WOULD BE DEAD BY NOW.
DREW
I ASSUMED WOULD BE DEAD BY NOW. DREW GOT TRADED TO THE BUFFALO
BILLS,
DREW GOT TRADED TO THE BUFFALO BILLS, SO HE'S PLAYED FOR TWO
OF
BILLS, SO HE'S PLAYED FOR TWO OF THE WORST FUCKING BILLS IN
FOOTBALL.
OF THE WORST FUCKING BILLS IN FOOTBALL. FUCK, COACH. I JUST
NOTICED
FOOTBALL. FUCK, COACH. I JUST NOTICED THAT JOKE IS ABOUT YOU.
SHOULD
NOTICED THAT JOKE IS ABOUT YOU. SHOULD I RUN THE HILL? COACH
MAKES
SHOULD I RUN THE HILL? COACH MAKES US RUN THAT HILL WHENEVER
WE
MAKES US RUN THAT HILL WHENEVER WE FUCK UP, AND I FUCKED UP
THERE.
WE FUCK UP, AND I FUCKED UP THERE. RANDY MOSS, RANDY MOSS,
RANDY
THERE. RANDY MOSS, RANDY MOSS, RANDY MOSS, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU,
RANDY.
RANDY MOSS, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, RANDY. RANDY HAILS FROM THE
GREAT
RANDY. RANDY HAILS FROM THE GREAT STATE OF WEST VIRGINIA.
COUNTRY
GREAT STATE OF WEST VIRGINIA. COUNTRY ROADS, TAKE ME HOME TO
THE
COUNTRY ROADS, TAKE ME HOME TO THE PLACE WHERE DATING YOUR
SISTER
THE PLACE WHERE DATING YOUR SISTER IS AS COMMON AS DATING
YOUR
SISTER IS AS COMMON AS DATING YOUR OTHER SISTER. BY THE WAY,
WE
YOUR OTHER SISTER. BY THE WAY, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SISTERS.
WHAT'S
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SISTERS. WHAT'S UP, TOM'S SISTERS? YO?
I
WHAT'S UP, TOM'S SISTERS? YO? I JUST MADE THAT UP ON THE SPOT
TOO.
I JUST MADE THAT UP ON THE SPOT TOO. RANDY'S NICKNAME WAS THE
FREAK.
TOO. RANDY'S NICKNAME WAS THE FREAK. THE NICKNAME WAS THE
SQUIRREL
FREAK. THE NICKNAME WAS THE SQUIRREL BECAUSE HE LOVED
HAVING
SQUIRREL BECAUSE HE LOVED HAVING TOM BRADY'S NUTS IN HIS
MOUTH.
HAVING TOM BRADY'S NUTS IN HIS MOUTH. AND WHEN TOM LEFT FOR
TAMPA,
MOUTH. AND WHEN TOM LEFT FOR TAMPA, HE GAVE HIM THE WHOLE
SHAFT.
TAMPA, HE GAVE HIM THE WHOLE SHAFT. AND JULIAN IS GOING TO
CHANGE
SHAFT. AND JULIAN IS GOING TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO JILLIAN AND
MOVE
CHANGE HIS NAME TO JILLIAN AND MOVE IN WITH TOM. JUST TWO
LITTLE
MOVE IN WITH TOM. JUST TWO LITTLE GAY BOYS PRANCING
AROUND.
EVERYONE KISSED TOM'S ASS. EVEN I DID. THAT'S FINE TO
ADMIT.
EVEN I DID. THAT'S FINE TO ADMIT. BUT JULIAN, YOU'RE THE
ONLY
ADMIT. BUT JULIAN, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO USED TONGUE. I SA
ADMIT. BUT JULIAN, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO USED TONGUE. I SAW
IT
ONLY ONE WHO USED TONGUE. I SAW IT IN THE SHOWER. OH WAIT A
SECOND,
IT IN THE SHOWER. OH WAIT A SECOND, TOM, YOU DON'T SHOWER.
MUST HAVE BEEN EXTRA STINKY. ALL RIGHT, TOM, ALL RIGHT,
YEAH,
ALL RIGHT, TOM, ALL RIGHT, YEAH, JULIAN, TOM LEFT YOU ON
THE
YEAH, JULIAN, TOM LEFT YOU ON THE PATRIOTS, SO YOU COULDN'T
BLOW
THE PATRIOTS, SO YOU COULDN'T BLOW HIM ANYMORE. WE ALL KNOW
THAT.
BLOW HIM ANYMORE. WE ALL KNOW THAT. AND BILL, YOU NEVER GAVE
TOM
THAT. AND BILL, YOU NEVER GAVE TOM ANY ACTION. NO HAND JOB,
NOTHING.
TOM ANY ACTION. NO HAND JOB, NOTHING. FUCK HIM. ALL RIGHT,
DID
NOTHING. FUCK HIM. ALL RIGHT, DID YOU GIVE HIM A HAND JOB,
COACH?
DID YOU GIVE HIM A HAND JOB, COACH? WHY DID YOU BLOW THE
WHISTLE?
COACH? WHY DID YOU BLOW THE WHISTLE? I SAID YOU DIDN'T. ALL
RIGHT,
WHISTLE? I SAID YOU DIDN'T. ALL RIGHT, TAKE THIS JOKE OUT.
SCROLL
RIGHT, TAKE THIS JOKE OUT. SCROLL BACK UP. I'M SAYING
THIS
SCROLL BACK UP. I'M SAYING THIS JOKE. BILL, YOU NEVER GAVE
TOM
THIS JOKE. BILL, YOU NEVER GAVE TOM ACTION, BUT LET ME TELL YOU
HE
TOM ACTION, BUT LET ME TELL YOU HE FUCKED YOU IN THE END AS
HARD
HE FUCKED YOU IN THE END AS HARD AS HE COULD. REAR ENDED
YOU
HARD AS HE COULD. REAR ENDED YOU FROM TAMPA BAY. THAT'S A
1,300-MILE
YOU FROM TAMPA BAY. THAT'S A 1,300-MILE LONG COCK TOM HAS.
LET
1,300-MILE LONG COCK TOM HAS. LET ME TELL YOU, JULIAN SUCKED
THAT
LET ME TELL YOU, JULIAN SUCKED THAT COCK ALL THE WAY FROM
FLORIDA
THAT COCK ALL THE WAY FROM FLORIDA THROUGH THE CAROLINAS,
ALL
FLORIDA THROUGH THE CAROLINAS, ALL THE WAY UP TO
MASSACHUSETTS.
ALL THE WAY UP TO MASSACHUSETTS. SPIT ON IT,
LUBING
MASSACHUSETTS. SPIT ON IT, LUBING IT UP, TO EVEN GIVE
FURTHER
LUBING IT UP, TO EVEN GIVE FURTHER PENETRATION UP YOUR
ASS,
FURTHER PENETRATION UP YOUR ASS, COACH. HOLY FUCK, I WROTE
THAT
ASS, COACH. HOLY FUCK, I WROTE THAT JOKE, BY THE WAY. WOW.
WOW.
THAT JOKE, BY THE WAY. WOW. WOW. NO WONDER WHY YOU DIDN'T
WANT
WOW. NO WONDER WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO SAY THAT. YOU CAN
READ
WANT ME TO SAY THAT. YOU CAN READ LIKE ME, COACH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
READ LIKE ME, COACH. CONGRATULATIONS. BUT COACH, YOU
USED
CONGRATULATIONS. BUT COACH, YOU USED TO TALK ABOUT FOXBOROUGH
HIGH
USED TO TALK ABOUT FOXBOROUGH HIGH SCHOOL WHEN WE SUCKED. BUT
NOW
HIGH SCHOOL WHEN WE SUCKED. BUT NOW I KNOW WHY YOU WERE SO
UPSET
NOW I KNOW WHY YOU WERE SO UPSET WITH FOXBOROUGH HIGH
SCHOOL.
UPSET WITH FOXBOROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. YOU WERE SCOUTING YOUR
NEW
SCHOOL. YOU WERE SCOUTING YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND. I MEAN COACH,
MY
NEW GIRLFRIEND. I MEAN COACH, MY JOKE WASN'T FUCKED UP, BUT
THAT'S
MY JOKE WASN'T FUCKED UP, BUT THAT'S FUCKED UP. YOU'RE 73
YEARS
THAT'S FUCKED UP. YOU'RE 73 YEARS OLD. YOU SHOULD BE TRYING
TO
YEARS OLD. YOU SHOULD BE TRYING TO BANG SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE
LIKE
TO BANG SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE LIKE NIKKI. ALL RIGHT, I'LL
RUN
LIKE NIKKI. ALL RIGHT, I'LL RUN THAT FUCKING HILL AGAIN.
THIS
RUN THAT FUCKING HILL AGAIN. THIS TIME I'LL JUST KEEP
RUNNING.
THIS TIME I'LL JUST KEEP RUNNING. AND NOW LET'S TALK
ABOUT
RUNNING. AND NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT MY DESIGNATED DRIVER, TOM
BRADY.
ABOUT MY DESIGNATED DRIVER, TOM BRADY. EVEN THOUGH WE PLAYED
TOGETHER
BRADY. EVEN THOUGH WE PLAYED TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS, I FEEL
LIKE
TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS, I FEEL LIKE I BARELY KNOW THIS GUY.
TOM'S
LIKE I BARELY KNOW THIS GUY. TOM'S JUST LIKE THE AVOCADOS
HE
TOM'S JUST LIKE THE AVOCADOS HE EATS. I THINK HE'S A FRUIT,
BUT
HE EATS. I THINK HE'S A FRUIT, BUT I'M JUST TOTALLY NOT SURE.
YEAH. I
YEAH. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU
WERE
YEAH. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE IN TED 2. I WAS WATCHING
THAT
WERE IN TED 2. I WAS WATCHING THAT SCENE WHEN A TINY FURRY
BEAR
THAT SCENE WHEN A TINY FURRY BEAR STARTED JERKING YOU OFF. I
THINK
BEAR STARTED JERKING YOU OFF. I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
SECURITY
THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SECURITY CAM FOOTAGE OF JULIAN
AT
SECURITY CAM FOOTAGE OF JULIAN AT YOUR HOUSE. OH, I LIKE THAT
ONE.
AT YOUR HOUSE. OH, I LIKE THAT ONE. I'M CREATIVE. YOU GUYS
ALL
ONE. I'M CREATIVE. YOU GUYS ALL THINK I'M A DUMB PIECE OF
FUCKING
ALL THINK I'M A DUMB PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT, BUT.
WELL,
WELL, I
WELL, I REALLY AM, I REALLY AM.
I
I RUN
I RUN INTO PEOPLE FOR A LIVING.
OBVIOUSLY
I RUN INTO PEOPLE FOR A LIVING. OBVIOUSLY I'M FUCKING DUMB.
ALL
OBVIOUSLY I'M FUCKING DUMB. ALL RIGHT, TOM, YOU SHOULD FIND
SOME
ALL RIGHT, TOM, YOU SHOULD FIND SOME NEW HOBBIES, MAN, LIKE I
DID.
SOME NEW HOBBIES, MAN, LIKE I DID. I HAD A RACEHORSE CALLED
GRONKOWSKI.
DID. I HAD A RACEHORSE CALLED GRONKOWSKI. I DIDN'T NAME IT
TOM
GRONKOWSKI. I DIDN'T NAME IT TOM BRADY BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU,
IT'S
TOM BRADY BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU, IT'S GOOD AT RUNNING.
AND
AND ALSO
AND ALSO IT KNOWS WHEN IT
SHOULD
AND ALSO IT KNOWS WHEN IT SHOULD BE TAKEN BEHIND THE BARN
AND
SHOULD BE TAKEN BEHIND THE BARN AND SHOT. SHOOT UP.
I'M
I'M ONE
I'M ONE OF FIVE BROTHERS. TOM
DOESN'T
I'M ONE OF FIVE BROTHERS. TOM DOESN'T EVEN KNOW FIVE
BROTHERS.
I
I MEAN
I MEAN THERE ARE ONLY TWO AND A
HALF
I MEAN THERE ARE ONLY TWO AND A HALF OF THEM ON THIS ROAST.
THEY
HALF OF THEM ON THIS ROAST. THEY DON'T COUNT BEHIND US,
KEVIN.
THEY DON'T COUNT BEHIND US, KEVIN. ALL RIGHT? OH, YOU'RE
STANDING
KEVIN. ALL RIGHT? OH, YOU'RE STANDING UP. YOU CAN STILL SUCK
MY
STANDING UP. YOU CAN STILL SUCK MY DICK.
WOW, THAT WOULD FEEL GOOD. I'VE
NEVER
WOW, THAT WOULD FEEL GOOD. I'VE NEVER TRIED IT BEFORE, BUT I'LL
DO
NEVER TRIED IT BEFORE, BUT I'LL DO IT WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE
DO IT WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING. LIKE IMAGINE
THAT
YOU'RE STANDING. LIKE IMAGINE THAT GRIP YOU COULD GIVE ME.
WOW.
OH
OH MAN.
OH MAN. I'M MAKING SHIT UP AS
WE
OH MAN. I'M MAKING SHIT UP AS WE GO. JUST LIKE MY ROUTES. BUT
WE
WE GO. JUST LIKE MY ROUTES. BUT WE HAD A CONNECTION. HE WOULD
STILL
WE HAD A CONNECTION. HE WOULD STILL FIND ME. GRONK, WHY THE
FUCK
STILL FIND ME. GRONK, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU RUN THAT WAY? OH,
TOUCHDOWN,
FUCK DID YOU RUN THAT WAY? OH, TOUCHDOWN, MOTHER FUCKERS.
WAIT,
TOUCHDOWN, MOTHER FUCKERS. WAIT, GRONK, YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO
RUN,
WAIT, GRONK, YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO RUN, OH, HE'S GOING DEEP. OH
SHIT,
RUN, OH, HE'S GOING DEEP. OH SHIT, TOUCHDOWN.
BILL WOULD BE LIKE OH, GRONK, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE PLAY, BUT
HE
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE PLAY, BUT HE SCORES. IT'S FINE.
BUT TOM, I REALLY AM PSYCHED TONIGHT THAT WE GOT YOU AND
BILL
TONIGHT THAT WE GOT YOU AND BILL HERE TONIGHT. EVERYONE
THINKS
BILL HERE TONIGHT. EVERYONE THINKS YOU GUYS HATE EACH
OTHER.
THINKS YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER. BUT I SAW IT FIRSTHAND
YOU
OTHER. BUT I SAW IT FIRSTHAND YOU TWO ARE EXACTLY ALIKE.
YOU'RE
YOU TWO ARE EXACTLY ALIKE. YOU'RE BOTH HARD ASSES THAT
HATE
YOU'RE BOTH HARD ASSES THAT HATE FUN. YOU BOTH LIVE AND
BREATHE
HATE FUN. YOU BOTH LIVE AND BREATHE FOOTBALL. NEITHER OF
YOU
BREATHE FOOTBALL. NEITHER OF YOU ARE MARRIED ANYMORE. YOU'RE
BOTH
YOU ARE MARRIED ANYMORE. YOU'RE BOTH EVEN DIVORCED FROM
FOOTBALL,
BOTH EVEN DIVORCED FROM FOOTBALL, AND BOTH OF YOU TAKE
FULL
FOOTBALL, AND BOTH OF YOU TAKE FULL CREDIT FOR THE DYNASTY.
AND
FULL CREDIT FOR THE DYNASTY. AND WORSE OF ALL, I NEVER HAD A
FUCKG
AND WORSE OF ALL, I NEVER HAD A FUCKG DRINK WITH EITHER OF
YOU.
FUCKG DRINK WITH EITHER OF YOU. YEAH. NOW, HOLD IT, HOLD
IT.
YOU. YEAH. NOW, HOLD IT, HOLD IT. NO, DON'T DRINK. I GOT
SOMETHING
IT. NO, DON'T DRINK. I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU LATER. WELL
TONIGHT
SOMETHING FOR YOU LATER. WELL TONIGHT WE'RE DOING A FUCKING
SHOT,
TONIGHT WE'RE DOING A FUCKING SHOT, BABY. YES. AND THAT'S
WHY
SHOT, BABY. YES. AND THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN.
THAT'S
WHY YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN. THAT'S WHY COACH BELICHICK GOT
RID
THAT'S WHY COACH BELICHICK GOT RID OF YOUR ASS.
OH SHIT. OH MAN. OH SHIT.
SOUND
OH MAN. OH SHIT. SOUND IT OUT, ROB. SOUND IT
OUT.
WHERE
OUT. WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I?
YOU
WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I? YOU GOT IT. YOU GOT IT.
OH
YOU GOT IT. YOU GOT IT. OH YEAH, WE'RE DOING A
SHOT.
AND
SHOT. AND DON'T WORRY, IT
DOESN'T
AND DON'T WORRY, IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY STRAWBERRIES
IN
DOESN'T HAVE ANY STRAWBERRIES IN IT, TOM. NIGHT SHADES,
INFLAMMATION,
IN IT, TOM. NIGHT SHADES, INFLAMMATION, WHATEVER THE FUCK
YOU'RE
INFLAMMATION, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. AND IT
WAS
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. AND IT WAS APPROVED BY YOUR MOM AND
BILL'S
WAS APPROVED BY YOUR MOM AND BILL'S BOSS, ALEX GUERRERO.
NO
BILL'S BOSS, ALEX GUERRERO. NO ROB, NOT THAT. THE SHOT.
NOT
NO ROB, NOT THAT. THE SHOT. NOT THAT. PUT THAT BACK. THERE
YOU
NOT THAT. PUT THAT BACK. THERE YOU GO. ROB, HELP HIM, J.
GODDAMN
YOU GO. ROB, HELP HIM, J. GODDAMN MITT. I SAID DON'T
LEAVE
GODDAMN MITT. I SAID DON'T LEAVE HIM UP HERE BY HIMSELF.
GET
LEAVE HIM UP HERE BY HIMSELF. GET THE GLASSES. THERE YOU GO.
GOOD
GET THE GLASSES. THERE YOU GO. GOOD JOB, ROB. GOOD JOB.
I
GOOD JOB, ROB. GOOD JOB. I LOVE YOU BILL, I LOVE YOU
TOM.
COACH,
TOM. COACH, TAKE THE SHOT. THERE
YOU
COACH, TAKE THE SHOT. THERE YOU GO. COME ON.
HEY.
[
[ APPLAUSE
LOVE
LOVE YOU
LOVE YOU GUYS.
THAT WAS
THAT WAS TREMENDOUS. THANK
YOU,
THAT WAS TREMENDOUS. THANK YOU, TOM.
UM
YOU, TOM. UM-- WE'RE LIVE, SO THERE
IS
UM-- WE'RE LIVE, SO THERE IS NO WAY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT
GRONK
IS NO WAY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT GRONK MIGHT BE ON A LITTLE MORE
THAN
GRONK MIGHT BE ON A LITTLE MORE THAN ALCOHOL. YEAH. IT'S OKAY.
YEAH,
THAN ALCOHOL. YEAH. IT'S OKAY. YEAH, NO. GRONK, WE'LL GET IT.
YEAH,
YEAH, NO. GRONK, WE'LL GET IT. YEAH, NO, WE'LL CLEAN IT UP.
YEAH,
YEAH, NO, WE'LL CLEAN IT UP. YEAH, JUST SIT DOWN WHEN YOU
GET
YEAH, JUST SIT DOWN WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, GRONK. JESUS
CHRIST.
GET A CHANCE, GRONK. JESUS CHRIST. JUST LAY DOWN, GRONK.
JUST
CHRIST. JUST LAY DOWN, GRONK. JUST LAY DOWN. I'M GOING TO
SAY
JUST LAY DOWN. I'M GOING TO SAY WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE IS
SAYING.
SAY WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE IS SAYING. I DON'T KNOW IF I
COULD
SAYING. I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD GET CANCELED FOR SAYING
WHAT
COULD GET CANCELED FOR SAYING WHAT I WANT TO SAY. NO, GO BACK
TO
WHAT I WANT TO SAY. NO, GO BACK TO THE TOP. THIS IS JUST MY
TRUTH.
TO THE TOP. THIS IS JUST MY TRUTH. GRONK SCARES ME, HE
SCARES
TRUTH. GRONK SCARES ME, HE SCARES ME. GRONK, HE'S THE
UNSAVED
SCARES ME. GRONK, HE'S THE UNSAVED WHITE DRUNK GUY. I
LOOKED
UNSAVED WHITE DRUNK GUY. I LOOKED AT RANDY WHEN GRONK WAS
SAYING
LOOKED AT RANDY WHEN GRONK WAS SAYING A LOT OF SHIT, AND RANDY
HAD
SAYING A LOT OF SHIT, AND RANDY HAD TO LOOK AND SAY I'M GOING
HOME.
HAD TO LOOK AND SAY I'M GOING HOME. LIKE WORK IS THE GUY THAT
DOES
HOME. LIKE WORK IS THE GUY THAT DOES SHIT THAT WE ALL KNOW ENDS
UP
DOES SHIT THAT WE ALL KNOW ENDS UP IN THE FUCKING BAD
SITUATION.
UP IN THE FUCKING BAD SITUATION. GODDAMNIT, TOM. YOU
NEED
SITUATION. GODDAMNIT, TOM. YOU NEED TO GET HIM ON A FUCKING
LEASH.
NEED TO GET HIM ON A FUCKING LEASH. I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN
THE
LEASH. I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN THE WORDS THAT WE HAD TO SOUND
OUT
THE WORDS THAT WE HAD TO SOUND OUT AND ELONGATE ON THE FUCKING
PROMPTER.
OUT AND ELONGATE ON THE FUCKING PROMPTER. YOU HAD A LOT OF E'S
ON
PROMPTER. YOU HAD A LOT OF E'S ON ONE WORD, AND GRONK GOT
STUCK.
ON ONE WORD, AND GRONK GOT STUCK. HE WAS LIKE
ON ONE WORD, AND GRONK GOT STUCK. HE WAS LIKE-- I HAD TO
HELP
STUCK. HE WAS LIKE-- I HAD TO HELP HIM. SOUND IT OUT, GRONK.
FUCK.
HELP HIM. SOUND IT OUT, GRONK. FUCK. KEEP IT GOING. JESUS
CHRIST.
FUCK. KEEP IT GOING. JESUS CHRIST. YOU KNOW, GRONK, THEY
HAD
CHRIST. YOU KNOW, GRONK, THEY HAD LIKE THIS CONCUSSION
PROTOCOL,
HAD LIKE THIS CONCUSSION PROTOCOL, RIGHT? HERE IS A
PROTOCOL
PROTOCOL, RIGHT? HERE IS A PROTOCOL FOR GRONK. IF YOU HIT
HIM
PROTOCOL FOR GRONK. IF YOU HIT HIM IN THE HEAD, THE ONLY WAY
TO
HIM IN THE HEAD, THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF IT, YOU NEED
TO
TO GET HIM OUT OF IT, YOU NEED TO HIT HIM AGAIN. GRONK IS THE
ONLY
TO HIT HIM AGAIN. GRONK IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE TWO HITS.
FUCKING
ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE TWO HITS. FUCKING GRONK. JESUS CHRIST.
HIS
FUCKING GRONK. JESUS CHRIST. HIS WHOLE LIVE ALMOST WENT TO
SHIT.
HIS WHOLE LIVE ALMOST WENT TO SHIT. HERE IS THE GOOD THING.
GRONK
SHIT. HERE IS THE GOOD THING. GRONK SAYS HE'S RETURNING,
RIGHT?
GRONK SAYS HE'S RETURNING, RIGHT? HE'S NOT RETURNING TO
NFL
RIGHT? HE'S NOT RETURNING TO NFL FOOTBALL BECAUSE HE
DOESN'T
NFL FOOTBALL BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE THE ITCH FOR THE
GAME.
DOESN'T HAVE THE ITCH FOR THE GAME. AND THAT'S
UNDERSTANDABLE.
GAME. AND THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE. BUT THE WOMEN
YOU
UNDERSTANDABLE. BUT THE WOMEN YOU SLEPT WITH DO. ROB, THEY'RE
ITCHING.
YOU SLEPT WITH DO. ROB, THEY'RE ITCHING. YOU FUCKED THEM GOOD.
A
ITCHING. YOU FUCKED THEM GOOD. A LOT OF FUCKING GOING ON IN
THE
A LOT OF FUCKING GOING ON IN THE PATRIOTS ORGANIZATION, BY
THE
THE PATRIOTS ORGANIZATION, BY THE WAY. JESUS CHRIST. BY THE
WAY,
THE WAY. JESUS CHRIST. BY THE WAY, BILL LOVED THAT. LOOK AT
BILL.
WAY, BILL LOVED THAT. LOOK AT BILL. JESUS, HE'S CRACKING
SMILES,
BILL. JESUS, HE'S CRACKING SMILES, LAUGHING HARDER ON THE
FACT
SMILES, LAUGHING HARDER ON THE FACT THAT YOU'RE GIVING OUT
HERPIES.
FACT THAT YOU'RE GIVING OUT HERPIES. JESUS CHRIST, BILL.
WHAT
HERPIES. JESUS CHRIST, BILL. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN BLESSED
WITH?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN BLESSED WITH? YEAH, FUCK ALL OF THEM,
KEVIN.
WITH? YEAH, FUCK ALL OF THEM, KEVIN. I DON'T HAVE A JOB. ALL
RIGHT.
KEVIN. I DON'T HAVE A JOB. ALL RIGHT. I GET IT, BILL. FUCK
YOU,
RIGHT. I GET IT, BILL. FUCK YOU, TOM. ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
LISTEN,
YOU, TOM. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN, YOUR NEXT ROASTER JUST
SOLD
LISTEN, YOUR NEXT ROASTER JUST SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN,
AND
SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, AND I WANT TO EXCLAMATE THAT.
HE
AND I WANT TO EXCLAMATE THAT. HE SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN
HE SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN AND IT WAS A DREAM OF
HIS
GARDEN AND IT WAS A DREAM OF HIS AND HE FUCKING MADE IT
HAPPEN.
HIS AND HE FUCKING MADE IT HAPPEN. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD FOR
A
HAPPEN. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD FOR A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE WORKS
AT
A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE WORKS AT OLIVE GARDEN. PLEASE SHOW
SOME
AT OLIVE GARDEN. PLEASE SHOW SOME LOVE TO ANDREW SCHULZ.
LET'S
SOME LOVE TO ANDREW SCHULZ. LET'S GO.
HELLO, MAKE SOME NOISE. ALL
RIGHT,
HELLO, MAKE SOME NOISE. ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR KEVIN
HART
RIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR KEVIN HART FIRST OF ALL HOSTING THIS
THING.
HART FIRST OF ALL HOSTING THIS THING. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
HARDEST
THING. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. HARDEST FUCKING MAN IN
HOLLYWOOD.
HARDEST FUCKING MAN IN HOLLYWOOD. GIVE IT UP FOR KEV.
KEV
HOLLYWOOD. GIVE IT UP FOR KEV. KEV IS THE HARDEST WORKING MAN
IN
KEV IS THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN HOLLYWOOD OUTSIDE THE PR GUY
FOR
IN HOLLYWOOD OUTSIDE THE PR GUY FOR NICKELODEON. KEVIN HART AS
HE'S
FOR NICKELODEON. KEVIN HART AS HE'S KNOWN IN THE INDUSTRY,
THE
HE'S KNOWN IN THE INDUSTRY, THE ROCK'S BOTTOM. KEVIN IS
BEST
THE ROCK'S BOTTOM. KEVIN IS BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ROCK. HIS
DAD
BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ROCK. HIS DAD WAS ALSO BEST FRIENDS WITH
THE
DAD WAS ALSO BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ROCK, CRACK. WE COULD SMELL
WHAT
THE ROCK, CRACK. WE COULD SMELL WHAT HE WAS COOKING, CRACK. THE
GUY
WHAT HE WAS COOKING, CRACK. THE GUY WAS THE SUPER STAR. YOU CAN
MAKE
GUY WAS THE SUPER STAR. YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR BEING
SHORT,
MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR BEING SHORT, BUT THERE'S ADVANTAGES
TO
SHORT, BUT THERE'S ADVANTAGES TO BEING SHORT. KEVIN IS THE
ONLY
TO BEING SHORT. KEVIN IS THE ONLY GUY YOU CAN CALL THREE
FITS
ONLY GUY YOU CAN CALL THREE FITS A PERSON, WHICH IS FUCKING
AWESOME
FITS A PERSON, WHICH IS FUCKING AWESOME BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
HIS
AWESOME BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HIS WIFE TOOK IN THE DIVORCE.
GUYS.
HIS WIFE TOOK IN THE DIVORCE. GUYS. WHAT A DAY WE HAVE HERE,
LADIES
GUYS. WHAT A DAY WE HAVE HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. LOOK AT
THIS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. LOOK AT THIS. THIS STAGE HAS SEEN MORE
HEAD
THIS. THIS STAGE HAS SEEN MORE HEAD TRAUMA THAN A KENNEDY ON
THE
HEAD TRAUMA THAN A KENNEDY ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. SPEAKING OF
BRAINLESS
THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. SPEAKING OF BRAINLESS PATRIOTS, TOM, ALL
YOUR
BRAINLESS PATRIOTS, TOM, ALL YOUR BOYS SHOWED UP FOR YOU.
GRONK,
YOUR BOYS SHOWED UP FOR YOU. GRONK, YOU HUNKY RETARD. LOOK
AT
GRONK, YOU HUNKY RETARD. LOOK AT YOU. GRONK, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOUR
AT YOU. GRONK, YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR MOM FUCKED A MONSTER,
ENERGY
YOUR MOM FUCKED A MONSTER, ENERGY DRINK. I'M SURPRISED
YOU
ENERGY DRINK. I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T START YOUR SET WITH
HEY,
YOU DIDN'T START YOUR SET WITH HEY, YOU GUYS. DESPITE COMING
ACROSS
HEY, YOU GUYS. DESPITE COMING ACROSS AS A MUSH BRAIN
MONGOLOID,
ACROSS AS A MUSH BRAIN MONGOLOID, GRONK HAS A NEW YORK
TIMES
MONGOLOID, GRONK HAS A NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLING BOOK. HE'S
THE
TIMES BEST SELLING BOOK. HE'S THE FIRST AUTHOR IN HISTORY TO
HAVE
THE FIRST AUTHOR IN HISTORY TO HAVE A GHOST WRITER AND GHOST
READER.
HAVE A GHOST WRITER AND GHOST READER. NO, IT'S AMAZING. HE
CAN'T
READER. NO, IT'S AMAZING. HE CAN'T READ. HE'S STILL TRYING
TO
CAN'T READ. HE'S STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THREE-FIFTHS
IS.
TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THREE-FIFTHS IS. IT'S HOW MUCH NIKKI
GLASER'S
IS. IT'S HOW MUCH NIKKI GLASER'S HANDS GO DOWN HER
THROAT
GLASER'S HANDS GO DOWN HER THROAT AFTER A MEAL. WHATEVER
YOU'RE
THROAT AFTER A MEAL. WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, NIKKI, IT'S
WORKING.
YOU'RE DOING, NIKKI, IT'S WORKING. KEEP IT UP. JULIAN
EDELMAN
WORKING. KEEP IT UP. JULIAN EDELMAN IS HERE. I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW
EDELMAN IS HERE. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW JULIAN WAS JEWISH UNTIL I
SAW
KNOW JULIAN WAS JEWISH UNTIL I SAW HIM RETURN AT KICKOFF FOR A
REFUND.
SAW HIM RETURN AT KICKOFF FOR A REFUND. JULIAN IS NOTORIOUS FO
SAW HIM RETURN AT KICKOFF FOR A REFUND. JULIAN IS NOTORIOUS FOR
HAVING
REFUND. JULIAN IS NOTORIOUS FOR HAVING SEX WITH EVERY JEWISH
MODEL
HAVING SEX WITH EVERY JEWISH MODEL ON THE PLANET. BOTH OF
THEM.
MODEL ON THE PLANET. BOTH OF THEM. I'M JOKING, THERE'S
PLENTY
THEM. I'M JOKING, THERE'S PLENTY OF JEWISH MODELS OUT
THERE
PLENTY OF JEWISH MODELS OUT THERE AS THEY CALL THEM IN
L.A.,
THERE AS THEY CALL THEM IN L.A., LEO'S BAGEL HOLES.
DANA'S
L.A., LEO'S BAGEL HOLES. DANA'S HERE. DANA WHITE, THE
GREATEST
DANA'S HERE. DANA WHITE, THE GREATEST PROMOTER IN HISTORY.
MAKE
GREATEST PROMOTER IN HISTORY. MAKE SOME NOISE FOR DANA. DANA
HAS
MAKE SOME NOISE FOR DANA. DANA HAS PUT MORE IMMIGRANTS IN
CAGES
HAS PUT MORE IMMIGRANTS IN CAGES THAN U.S. BORDER
POLICIES.
CAGES THAN U.S. BORDER POLICIES. DANA IS A SKIN HEAD
GENIUS.
POLICIES. DANA IS A SKIN HEAD GENIUS. HE FOUND A WAY FOR
MINORITIES
GENIUS. HE FOUND A WAY FOR MINORITIES TO BEAT EACH OTHER
UP.
MINORITIES TO BEAT EACH OTHER UP. RESPECT TO DANA THOUGH.
HE'S
UP. RESPECT TO DANA THOUGH. HE'S A SELF-MADE MAN. BEFORE
THE
HE'S A SELF-MADE MAN. BEFORE THE UFC, HE LEFT BOSTON WITH
ABSOLUTELY
THE UFC, HE LEFT BOSTON WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND THAT'S
SOMETHING,
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND THAT'S SOMETHING, RANDY, YOU CAN
COMPLETELY
SOMETHING, RANDY, YOU CAN COMPLETELY RELATE TO. SHOUT OUT
TO
COMPLETELY RELATE TO. SHOUT OUT TO RANDY FOR COMING OUT DRESSED
LIKE
TO RANDY FOR COMING OUT DRESSED LIKE BAGGER VANCE. SOMEONE GET
HIM
LIKE BAGGER VANCE. SOMEONE GET HIM OUT OF A SAND TRAP, I MEAN
NIKKI'S
HIM OUT OF A SAND TRAP, I MEAN NIKKI'S PUSSY. SORRY. RANDY'S
THE
NIKKI'S PUSSY. SORRY. RANDY'S THE GREATEST WIDE RECEIVER OF
ALL
THE GREATEST WIDE RECEIVER OF ALL TIME. HE'S ALSO A CIVIL
RIGHTS
ALL TIME. HE'S ALSO A CIVIL RIGHTS HERO. A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T
RIGHTS HERO. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, HE GOT
EXPELLED
DON'T KNOW THIS, HE GOT EXPELLED AT HIS HIGH SCHOOL FO
DON'T KNOW THIS, HE GOT EXPELLED AT HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOR
FIGHTING
EXPELLED AT HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOR FIGHTING RACISTS. HE HAS FOUGHT
RACISM
FIGHTING RACISTS. HE HAS FOUGHT RACISM IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER AN
FIGHTING RACISTS. HE HAS FOUGHT RACISM IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER AND
WHY
RACISM IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER AND WHY HE REFUSES TO WIN A
CHAMPIONSHIP
WHY HE REFUSES TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP FOR BOSTON, SO
GIVE
CHAMPIONSHIP FOR BOSTON, SO GIVE IT UP. YOU WON IN THE LONG
RUN.
GIVE IT UP. YOU WON IN THE LONG RUN. YOU BEAT THEM, OKAY? RANDY
MADE
RUN. YOU BEAT THEM, OKAY? RANDY MADE SURE ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
IN
MADE SURE ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY IN BOSTON, THE ONLY PEOPLE
CELEBRATING
IN BOSTON, THE ONLY PEOPLE CELEBRATING A HAPPY ENDING WERE
THE
CELEBRATING A HAPPY ENDING WERE THE PRIESTS. JEFF ROSS IS HERE,
ROAST
THE PRIESTS. JEFF ROSS IS HERE, ROAST ROYALTY. JEFF, YOU REMIND
ME
ROAST ROYALTY. JEFF, YOU REMIND ME OF THE PATIENT FROM THE
GAME,
ME OF THE PATIENT FROM THE GAME, OPERATION. BECAUSE EVERY
TIME
GAME, OPERATION. BECAUSE EVERY TIME KIDS TOUCH YOU, YOU LIGHT
UP.
TIME KIDS TOUCH YOU, YOU LIGHT UP. THERE'S NONE BACK THERE,
JEFF.
UP. THERE'S NONE BACK THERE, JEFF. JUST SIT DOWN. IT'S
AMAZING
JEFF. JUST SIT DOWN. IT'S AMAZING JEFF ROSS IS EVEN HERE
ACTUALLY.
AMAZING JEFF ROSS IS EVEN HERE ACTUALLY. HE'S RECOVERING FROM
A
ACTUALLY. HE'S RECOVERING FROM A HORRIBLE ACL INJURY. ACL IS
THE
A HORRIBLE ACL INJURY. ACL IS THE ONLY INJURY GRONK CAN
SPELL.
THE ONLY INJURY GRONK CAN SPELL. AND SPEAKING OF THINGS
THAT
SPELL. AND SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT MAKE MEN LIMP, NIKKI
GLASER
THAT MAKE MEN LIMP, NIKKI GLASER IS HERE. GIVE IT UP FOR
NIKKI.
GLASER IS HERE. GIVE IT UP FOR NIKKI. A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE
WONDERING
NIKKI. A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE WONDERING WHY NIKKI WAS EVEN ON
THIS,
WONDERING WHY NIKKI WAS EVEN ON THIS, WHICH IS SEXIST BULLSHIT.
SHE'S
THIS, WHICH IS SEXIST BULLSHIT. SHE'S ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.
GIVE
SHE'S ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. GIVE IT UP FOR HER, MAN. SHE'S
ABSOLUTELY
GIVE IT UP FOR HER, MAN. SHE'S ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. KILLED
IT,
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. KILLED IT, KILLED IT. A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T
IT, KILLED IT. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, NIKKI HAS
DEEP
DON'T KNOW THIS, NIKKI HAS DEEP TIES TO THE GAME OF
FOOTBALL.
DEEP TIES TO THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. NOT ONLY IS HER FACE
MADE
FOOTBALL. NOT ONLY IS HER FACE MADE OUT OF PIG SKINS, BUT
EVERY
MADE OUT OF PIG SKINS, BUT EVERY GUY SHE DATES BENDS HER
OVER
EVERY GUY SHE DATES BENDS HER OVER AND TAKES A HIKE. SO SHE
DESERVES
OVER AND TAKES A HIKE. SO SHE DESERVES TO BE HERE, OKAY.
PEOPLE
DESERVES TO BE HERE, OKAY. PEOPLE TALK ABOUT NIKKI'S
APPEARANCE,
PEOPLE TALK ABOUT NIKKI'S APPEARANCE, BUT I THINK WE ALL
KNOW
APPEARANCE, BUT I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT'S ON
THE
KNOW WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE. WHAT'S ON THE
INSIDE
THE INSIDE. WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE IS WHAT COUNTS. SURE ON
THE
INSIDE IS WHAT COUNTS. SURE ON THE OUTSIDE SHE LOOKS LIKE
TIFFANY
THE OUTSIDE SHE LOOKS LIKE TIFFANY TRUMP, BUT ON THE
INSIDE,
TIFFANY TRUMP, BUT ON THE INSIDE, SHE'S BARRON. SPEAKING
OF
INSIDE, SHE'S BARRON. SPEAKING OF PEOPLE THAT CAN NO LONGER
DELIVER,
OF PEOPLE THAT CAN NO LONGER DELIVER, LET'S TALK ABOUT TOM,
MOTHER
DELIVER, LET'S TALK ABOUT TOM, MOTHER FUCKING BRADY. THE MAN
IN
MOTHER FUCKING BRADY. THE MAN IN THE ARENA, THE GOAT. TOM, I
KNOW
IN THE ARENA, THE GOAT. TOM, I KNOW BILL BELICHICK SHOWED UP
LATE,
KNOW BILL BELICHICK SHOWED UP LATE, BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M
SURE
LATE, BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M SURE HE HAS SOMEONE SECRETLY
RECORDING
SURE HE HAS SOMEONE SECRETLY RECORDING THIS, SO WE CAN WATCH
THE
RECORDING THIS, SO WE CAN WATCH THE WHOLE THING LATER, OKAY?
BILL
THE WHOLE THING LATER, OKAY? BILL IS SECRETLY FILMED MORE
GUYS
BILL IS SECRETLY FILMED MORE GUYS PLAYING FOR THE OTHER TEAM
THAN
GUYS PLAYING FOR THE OTHER TEAM THAN DIDDY. THAT'S YOUR BOY,
KEV.
THAN DIDDY. THAT'S YOUR BOY, KEV. A LOT OF TIGHT ENDS TURNED
WIDE
KEV. A LOT OF TIGHT ENDS TURNED WIDE RECEIVERS IF YOU KNOW WHAT
I
WIDE RECEIVERS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. TOM SAID THAT THE
REASON
I MEAN. TOM SAID THAT THE REASON HE LOVES FOOTBALL IS
BECAUSE
REASON HE LOVES FOOTBALL IS BECAUSE IT ALLOWS HIM TO BE HI
REASON HE LOVES FOOTBALL IS BECAUSE IT ALLOWS HIM TO BE HIS
TRUE
BECAUSE IT ALLOWS HIM TO BE HIS TRUE AUTHENTIC VERSION OF
HIMSELF.
TRUE AUTHENTIC VERSION OF HIMSELF. HIDING BEHIND A MASK,
THROWING
HIMSELF. HIDING BEHIND A MASK, THROWING THINGS AT BLACK
PEOPLE.
THROWING THINGS AT BLACK PEOPLE. I'M KIDDING. HE NEVER
THREW
PEOPLE. I'M KIDDING. HE NEVER THREW TO THE BLACK GUYS.
GRONKOWSKI,
THREW TO THE BLACK GUYS. GRONKOWSKI, EDELMAN, WELKER,
THAT'S
GRONKOWSKI, EDELMAN, WELKER, THAT'S NOT A RECEIVING CORE,
THAT'S
THAT'S NOT A RECEIVING CORE, THAT'S A LAW FIRM. WITH THAT
DIVORCE
THAT'S A LAW FIRM. WITH THAT DIVORCE COMING UP, YOU'RE
GOING
DIVORCE COMING UP, YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING NEED THEM. OH,
THAT'S
GOING TO FUCKING NEED THEM. OH, THAT'S WHY DANA'S HERE, SO
YOU
THAT'S WHY DANA'S HERE, SO YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO FUCK A
BRAZILIAN
YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO FUCK A BRAZILIAN OUT OF HALF THEIR
PURSE.
BRAZILIAN OUT OF HALF THEIR PURSE. TOM, YOU BECAME THE GOAT
BY
PURSE. TOM, YOU BECAME THE GOAT BY BEING THE FIERCEST
COMPETITOR
BY BEING THE FIERCEST COMPETITOR ON THE PLANET. TOM
WAS
COMPETITOR ON THE PLANET. TOM WAS ONCE ASKED CAN WHICH ONE OF
HIS
WAS ONCE ASKED CAN WHICH ONE OF HIS RINGS WAS HIS FAVORITE. AND
HE
HIS RINGS WAS HIS FAVORITE. AND HE SAID THE NEXT ONE. SORRY,
THAT'S
HE SAID THE NEXT ONE. SORRY, THAT'S A GISELE QUOTE. MY DAD.
GUYS,
THAT'S A GISELE QUOTE. MY DAD. GUYS, YEAH. THAT WAS GISELE.
THAT
GUYS, YEAH. THAT WAS GISELE. THAT WAS GISELE FOR SURE. TOM,
YOU
THAT WAS GISELE FOR SURE. TOM, YOU ALL REMIND US, SORRY, YOU
REMIND
YOU ALL REMIND US, SORRY, YOU REMIND US THAT NO MATTER HOW
BIG
REMIND US THAT NO MATTER HOW BIG YOU GET, HOW SUCCESSFUL YOU
ARE,
BIG YOU GET, HOW SUCCESSFUL YOU ARE, HOW MUCH YOU ACCOMPLISHED
IN
ARE, HOW MUCH YOU ACCOMPLISHED IN YOUR LIFE, YOU CAN ALWAYS
END
IN YOUR LIFE, YOU CAN ALWAYS END UP A TWICE DIVORCE
SUPPLEMENT
END UP A TWICE DIVORCE SUPPLEMENT SALESMAN IN TAMPA,
FLORIDA.
SUPPLEMENT SALESMAN IN TAMPA, FLORIDA. AND FOR THAT WE ALL
THANK
FLORIDA. AND FOR THAT WE ALL THANK YOU. YOU ARE THE GOAT.
THANK
THANK YOU. YOU ARE THE GOAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVEN
DOING
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVEN DOING THIS, BROTHER.
GODDAMNIT, ANDREW SCHULZ. WORTH THE GODDAMN HYPE. IT WAS
GREAT.
WORTH THE GODDAMN HYPE. IT WAS GREAT. I GOT TO BE HONEST, IT
WAS
GREAT. I GOT TO BE HONEST, IT WAS FUCKING GREAT. GUYS, DON'T
GO
WAS FUCKING GREAT. GUYS, DON'T GO DOWN. FUCKING SHOW HIM THE
LOVE.
GO DOWN. FUCKING SHOW HIM THE LOVE. IT WAS GREAT. HEY, HEY,
HOW
LOVE. IT WAS GREAT. HEY, HEY, HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR THIS
FUCKING
HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR THIS FUCKING GUY, KEVIN HART.
OH
FUCKING GUY, KEVIN HART. OH SHIT, THANK YOU, BERT.
AMAZING
OH SHIT, THANK YOU, BERT. AMAZING SHOW TONIGHT,
AMAZING
AMAZING SHOW TONIGHT, AMAZING HOST, KEVIN HART.
I
AMAZING HOST, KEVIN HART. I APPRECIATE IT. I
APPRECIATE
I APPRECIATE IT. I APPRECIATE YOU.
AMAZING.
THANK
AMAZING. THANK YOU, GUYS. I
APPRECIATE
THANK YOU, GUYS. I APPRECIATE YOU. WE ARE HAVING A
GOOD
APPRECIATE YOU. WE ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME. HEY, MY QUESTION IS
IF
GOOD TIME. HEY, MY QUESTION IS IF ANDREW IS HERE, THEN WHO IS
FIXING
IF ANDREW IS HERE, THEN WHO IS FIXING THE DOG RACE? BECAUSE
THEY
FIXING THE DOG RACE? BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE ANDREW. JUST
WAIT
THEY LOOK LIKE ANDREW. JUST WAIT A SECOND. ANDREW SCHULZ IS
LOOKING
WAIT A SECOND. ANDREW SCHULZ IS LOOKING SO PECULIAR THAT YOU
CAN'T
LOOKING SO PECULIAR THAT YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR EYES ON IT. I
CRACKED
CAN'T PUT YOUR EYES ON IT. I CRACKED THE CODE. HE LOOKS LIKE
A
CRACKED THE CODE. HE LOOKS LIKE A PEDOPHILE FROM THE 30s LIKE
THE
A PEDOPHILE FROM THE 30s LIKE THE 1930s. OR HE LOOKS LIKE A
SILENT
THE 1930s. OR HE LOOKS LIKE A SILENT FILM PORN STAR. NO
NOISES.
SILENT FILM PORN STAR. NO NOISES. ALL FACES IN MUSTACHES,
THAT'S
NOISES. ALL FACES IN MUSTACHES, THAT'S IT. ANDREW SCHULZ'S
DAD,
THAT'S IT. ANDREW SCHULZ'S DAD, I'M WILLING TO BET HAS A
PIZZERIA,
DAD, I'M WILLING TO BET HAS A PIZZERIA, BUT HE'S GOT ONE OF
THOSE
PIZZERIA, BUT HE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE PIZZERIAS WITH NO
PICTURES
THOSE PIZZERIAS WITH NO PICTURES OF BLACK CELEBRITIES.
IT'S
PICTURES OF BLACK CELEBRITIES. IT'S JUST LIKE WEIRD. YOU
CAN'T
IT'S JUST LIKE WEIRD. YOU CAN'T ASK QUESTIONS. ANDREW
LOOKS
CAN'T ASK QUESTIONS. ANDREW LOOKS LIKE, HE LOOKS LIKE, YOU
KNOW
LOOKS LIKE, HE LOOKS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? ANDREW, YOU
LOOK
KNOW WHAT IT IS? ANDREW, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE IN GUYS IN
DOLLS,
LOOK LIKE YOU WERE IN GUYS IN DOLLS, BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU
FUCKED
DOLLS, BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU FUCKED THEM. I'VE GOT TO BE
HONEST
FUCKED THEM. I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU
HONEST WITH YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DO A LOT OF WEIRD SHIT, NO
HONEST WITH YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DO A LOT OF WEIRD SHIT, NOT
JUST
YOU DO A LOT OF WEIRD SHIT, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR MUSTACHE,
JUST
JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR MUSTACHE, JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR FACE.
ANDREW
JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR FACE. ANDREW IS PROOF ONCE YOU START
PRETENDING
ANDREW IS PROOF ONCE YOU START PRETENDING TO BE BLACK, YOU
WILL
PRETENDING TO BE BLACK, YOU WILL NEVER GO BACK. HE HAS BEEN
HERE
WILL NEVER GO BACK. HE HAS BEEN HERE FOR THE ENTIRETY. ANDREW,
THEY
HERE FOR THE ENTIRETY. ANDREW, THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT. I
THOUGHT
THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT. I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD ONE. THEY
DIDN'T
THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD ONE. THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE 50 CENT
HISTORY.
DIDN'T KNOW THE 50 CENT HISTORY. YEAH. NO, THEY DON'T
GET
HISTORY. YEAH. NO, THEY DON'T GET IT, ANDREW. I THOUGHT THAT
ONE
GET IT, ANDREW. I THOUGHT THAT ONE WAS GOING TO HIT LIKE THE
BLACK
ONE WAS GOING TO HIT LIKE THE BLACK SHIT YOU JUST DID AT THE
CONCERT,
BLACK SHIT YOU JUST DID AT THE CONCERT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL
EXPLAIN
CONCERT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER, I
GUESS.
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER, I GUESS. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
ANDREW
GUESS. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT ANDREW SCHULZ IS. HE'S A GREAT
GUY.
ANDREW SCHULZ IS. HE'S A GREAT GUY. THE CULTURE LOVES HIM. ALL
RIGHT,
GUY. THE CULTURE LOVES HIM. ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE EXPLAINING IT.
FUCK
RIGHT, I'M DONE EXPLAINING IT. FUCK YOU, TOM BRADY. ALL RIGHT,
GUYS,
FUCK YOU, TOM BRADY. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN, WE ARE HONORED,
WE
GUYS, LISTEN, WE ARE HONORED, WE ARE HONORED TO HAVE A LIVING
LEGEND
WE ARE HONORED TO HAVE A LIVING LEGEND IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT,
AND
LEGEND IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT, AND I DO MEAN HONOR. LISTEN, I
WANT
AND I DO MEAN HONOR. LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO MAKE SOME PATRIOT
NOISE.
WANT YOU TO MAKE SOME PATRIOT NOISE. SOME GOOD NOISE. SOME
GOOD
NOISE. SOME GOOD NOISE. SOME GOOD NOISE FOR OUR PATRIOT
OWNER,
GOOD NOISE FOR OUR PATRIOT OWNER, ROBERT KRAFT. PLEASE. [
CHEERING
OWNER, ROBERT KRAFT. PLEASE.
TOMMY, THANKS FOR HAVING ME
HERE
TOMMY, THANKS FOR HAVING ME HERE AT THIS UNIQUE EXPERIENCE.
I
HERE AT THIS UNIQUE EXPERIENCE. I THOUGHT I'VE SEEN IT ALL,
BUT
I THOUGHT I'VE SEEN IT ALL, BUT THIS IS SPECIAL. YOU KNOW
THE
BUT THIS IS SPECIAL. YOU KNOW THE PATRIOTS ARE MORE THAN A
FOOTBALL
THE PATRIOTS ARE MORE THAN A FOOTBALL TEAM FOR ME. THEY ARE
FAMILY.
FOOTBALL TEAM FOR ME. THEY ARE FAMILY. AND GUYS, IT'S SO GOOD
TO
FAMILY. AND GUYS, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU HERE AGAIN.
THANK
TO SEE ALL OF YOU HERE AGAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
EVERYTHING
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR US. AND
YOU'RE
EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR US. AND YOU'RE LIKE MANY FAMILY
REUNIONS.
YOU'RE LIKE MANY FAMILY REUNIONS. THERE IS SOME PEOPLE
I'M
REUNIONS. THERE IS SOME PEOPLE I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO
AVOID.
I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO AVOID. COACH BELICHICK, GOOD TO
SEE
AVOID. COACH BELICHICK, GOOD TO SEE YOU. YOU REALLY LOOK GOOD
IN
SEE YOU. YOU REALLY LOOK GOOD IN SLEEVES. TONIGHT HAS REALLY
BEEN
IN SLEEVES. TONIGHT HAS REALLY BEEN FUNNY, BUT JULIAN, LET'S
BE
BEEN FUNNY, BUT JULIAN, LET'S BE HONEST AND REALISTIC, I'M
NOT
BE HONEST AND REALISTIC, I'M NOT INVITING YOU TO MY FUNERAL.
TOM,
NOT INVITING YOU TO MY FUNERAL. TOM, GOOD LUCK BUYING THE
RAIDERS.
TOM, GOOD LUCK BUYING THE RAIDERS. THEY'LL DIG YOUR
FAVORITE
RAIDERS. THEY'LL DIG YOUR FAVORITE THING FOR YOU ALREADY.
THEY
FAVORITE THING FOR YOU ALREADY. THEY GOT RID OF JIMMY
GAROPPOLO.
THEY GOT RID OF JIMMY GAROPPOLO. BUT IN ALL
SERIOUSNESS,
GAROPPOLO. BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, TOMMY, AND THIS IS
VERY
SERIOUSNESS, TOMMY, AND THIS IS VERY MEANINGFUL TO ME BECAUSE I
REMEMBER
VERY MEANINGFUL TO ME BECAUSE I REMEMBER HIM COMING DOWN THE
STAIRS
REMEMBER HIM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS AT THE OLD FOXBOROUGH
STADIUM
STAIRS AT THE OLD FOXBOROUGH STADIUM 24 YEARS AGO. FOR $6
MILLION,
STADIUM 24 YEARS AGO. FOR $6 MILLION, IT WAS NOT FANCY LIKE
THIS
MILLION, IT WAS NOT FANCY LIKE THIS PLAY HERE. BUT THE FIRST
THING
THIS PLAY HERE. BUT THE FIRST THING HE CAME DOWN WITH A PIZZA
BOX
THING HE CAME DOWN WITH A PIZZA BOX UNDER HIS ARM AND SAID, YO
THING HE CAME DOWN WITH A PIZZA BOX UNDER HIS ARM AND SAID, YOU
KNOW,
BOX UNDER HIS ARM AND SAID, YOU KNOW, I'M TOM BRADY. I SAID I
KNOW
KNOW, I'M TOM BRADY. I SAID I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE OUR
SIXTH
KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE OUR SIXTH ROUND DRAFT CHOICE.
NUMBER
SIXTH ROUND DRAFT CHOICE. NUMBER 199. HE LOOKED ME
STRAIGHT
NUMBER 199. HE LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND HE SAID
YES,
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND HE SAID YES, AND I'M THE BEST DECISION
THIS
YES, AND I'M THE BEST DECISION THIS ORGANIZATION HAS EVER
MADE.
THIS ORGANIZATION HAS EVER MADE. SO NOTHING COULD BE
TRUER.
MADE. SO NOTHING COULD BE TRUER. I WANT TO RAISE THIS
DRINK
TRUER. I WANT TO RAISE THIS DRINK TO YOU AND SAY YOU WILL
ALWAYS
DRINK TO YOU AND SAY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SPECIAL TO MY FAMILY,
AND
ALWAYS BE SPECIAL TO MY FAMILY, AND I LOVE YOU, TOMMY.
AND ONE MORE THING, IN CASE
VLADIMIR
AND ONE MORE THING, IN CASE VLADIMIR PUTIN, YOU'RE
WATCHING,
VLADIMIR PUTIN, YOU'RE WATCHING, GIVE ME MY FUCKING
RING
WATCHING, GIVE ME MY FUCKING RING BACK, WILL YOU?
WOW.
RING BACK, WILL YOU? WOW. ROBERT KRAFT BRINGING
THE
WOW. ROBERT KRAFT BRINGING THE HEAT. HE WROTE THAT, ALL OF
THAT
THE HEAT. HE WROTE THAT, ALL OF THAT HIMSELF. HE WOULDN'T LET
US
THAT HIMSELF. HE WOULDN'T LET US GIVE HIM ANYTHING. THAT'S
ALL
US GIVE HIM ANYTHING. THAT'S ALL HIM. THAT'S RIGHT,
VLADIMIR.
ALL HIM. THAT'S RIGHT, VLADIMIR. GIVE HIM THE FUCKING
RING.
VLADIMIR. GIVE HIM THE FUCKING RING. I GOT YOU. YEAH, NO,
ROBERT,
RING. I GOT YOU. YEAH, NO, ROBERT, I GOT YOU. YOU ALREADY
KNOW.
ROBERT, I GOT YOU. YOU ALREADY KNOW. I FUCKING GOT YOU. NO
TRASHING
KNOW. I FUCKING GOT YOU. NO TRASHING ROBERT KRAFT TONIGHT.
NOT
TRASHING ROBERT KRAFT TONIGHT. NOT ON MY WATCH. NOT ON MY
WATCH.
NOT ON MY WATCH. NOT ON MY WATCH. NOT ON MY WATCH. BUT
ROBERT,
WATCH. NOT ON MY WATCH. BUT ROBERT, I DO HAVE SOME
QUESTIONS.
ROBERT, I DO HAVE SOME QUESTIONS. I JUST
ROBERT, I DO HAVE SOME QUESTIONS. I JUST-- IT'S
NOTHING.
QUESTIONS. I JUST-- IT'S NOTHING. IT'S JUST A QUESTION.
YOU
NOTHING. IT'S JUST A QUESTION. YOU AND BILL ARE SO FAR APART
FROM
YOU AND BILL ARE SO FAR APART FROM EACH OTHER. I JUST FEEL
LIKE
FROM EACH OTHER. I JUST FEEL LIKE WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHOT
TOGETHER,
LIKE WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHOT TOGETHER, MAN? YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH.
TOGETHER, MAN? YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ROBERT WANTS TO DO
IT.
YEAH. YEAH. ROBERT WANTS TO DO IT. BILL? LET'S MAKE THE
UNCOMFORTABLE
IT. BILL? LET'S MAKE THE UNCOMFORTABLE COMFORTABLE,
RIGHT?
UNCOMFORTABLE COMFORTABLE, RIGHT? POUR BILL A SHOT. NO,
GRONK,
RIGHT? POUR BILL A SHOT. NO, GRONK, GRONK, THAT LITTLE BLACK
CUP,
GRONK, GRONK, THAT LITTLE BLACK CUP, POUR SOME OF THAT IN HIS
CUP.
CUP, POUR SOME OF THAT IN HIS CUP. POUR IT IN BILL'S CUP. IN
BILL'S,
CUP. POUR IT IN BILL'S CUP. IN BILL'S, GODDAMNIT, GRONK.
FUCK.
BILL'S, GODDAMNIT, GRONK. FUCK. GRONK, POUR IT IN HIS CU
BILL'S, GODDAMNIT, GRONK. FUCK. GRONK, POUR IT IN HIS CUP
AND
FUCK. GRONK, POUR IT IN HIS CUP AND TAKE A SHOT. I LOVE IT.
OKAY,
AND TAKE A SHOT. I LOVE IT. OKAY, ROBERT IS HERE. WAIT,
BILL,
OKAY, ROBERT IS HERE. WAIT, BILL, DON'T MOVE. BILL. BILL.
THIS
BILL, DON'T MOVE. BILL. BILL. THIS IS A BIG MOMENT, BILL.
I
I WANT
I WANT TO
I WANT TO SAY THIS IS THE
GREATEST
I WANT TO SAY THIS IS THE GREATEST COACH IN THE HISTORY
OF
GREATEST COACH IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME THAT DID WHAT NO
ONE
OF THE GAME THAT DID WHAT NO ONE ELSE HAS DONE. AND HAVING
TOM
ONE ELSE HAS DONE. AND HAVING TOM BRADY AND HIM WAS THE
GREATEST
TOM BRADY AND HIM WAS THE GREATEST HONOR THE GOOD LORD
GAVE
GREATEST HONOR THE GOOD LORD GAVE ME.
DRINK
GAVE ME. DRINK IT. A BLACK MANMADE
THAT
DRINK IT. A BLACK MANMADE THAT HAPPEN. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S
THAT HAPPEN. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. A BLACK MAN FROM
NORTH
THAT'S RIGHT. A BLACK MAN FROM NORTH PHILADELPHIA TOOK THE
RACISM
NORTH PHILADELPHIA TOOK THE RACISM OUT OF BOSTON, ENDED TH
NORTH PHILADELPHIA TOOK THE RACISM OUT OF BOSTON, ENDED THE
BEEF.
RACISM OUT OF BOSTON, ENDED THE BEEF. THIS IS A BEEF. BY THE
WAY
BEEF. THIS IS A BEEF. BY THE WAY THIS BEEF IS BIGGER THAN
DRAKE
WAY THIS BEEF IS BIGGER THAN DRAKE AND KENDRICK. IT'S THAT
BIG.
DRAKE AND KENDRICK. IT'S THAT BIG. HOLY SHIT. I CAN'T
BELIEVE
BIG. HOLY SHIT. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY DID IT.
GOOD
BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY DID IT. GOOD SHIT, BILL. ROBERT, GOOD
SHIT.
GOOD SHIT, BILL. ROBERT, GOOD SHIT. BY THE WAY, REMIND ROBERT
WHERE
SHIT. BY THE WAY, REMIND ROBERT WHERE HE IS. HE MAY NOT
REMEMBER
WHERE HE IS. HE MAY NOT REMEMBER IN A SECOND. SO WHEN
HE
REMEMBER IN A SECOND. SO WHEN HE GETS TO THAT SEAT, TELL HIM
WHAT
HE GETS TO THAT SEAT, TELL HIM WHAT HE DID BECAUSE THAT'S MY
FRIEND.
WHAT HE DID BECAUSE THAT'S MY FRIEND. HE NEEDS TO KNOW. I
LOVE
FRIEND. HE NEEDS TO KNOW. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, ROB. ALL
RIGHT,
LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, ROB. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN, WE HAVE A
VERY
RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST HERE
TONIGHT,
VERY SPECIAL GUEST HERE TONIGHT, RIGHT? THIS GUEST IS A
GREAT
TONIGHT, RIGHT? THIS GUEST IS A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE. ONE OF
THE
GREAT FRIEND OF MINE. ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS GUYS FROM
BOSTON.
THE MOST FAMOUS GUYS FROM BOSTON. SERIOUSLY. ONE OF THE
MOST.
BOSTON. SERIOUSLY. ONE OF THE MOST. I WOULD SAY, I WOULD SAY
THERE
MOST. I WOULD SAY, I WOULD SAY THERE IS ONLY ABOUT TWO OR
THREE,
THERE IS ONLY ABOUT TWO OR THREE, BUT THIS GUY HERE IN MY
OPINION
THREE, BUT THIS GUY HERE IN MY OPINION IS THE ONE. PLEASE SHOW
SOME
OPINION IS THE ONE. PLEASE SHOW SOME LOVE TO BEN AFFLECK.
GOT
GOT HERE
GOT HERE JUST IN TIME, I
SEE.
GOT HERE JUST IN TIME, I SEE. TOM, I GOT TO SAY, HOW ARE
YOU
SEE. TOM, I GOT TO SAY, HOW ARE YOU DOING? HOW ARE YA? THIS IS
PRETTY
YOU DOING? HOW ARE YA? THIS IS PRETTY FUCKING BALLSY. IS LIFE
TOO
PRETTY FUCKING BALLSY. IS LIFE TOO FUCKING GOOD? YOU'RE LIKE
THEY'VE
TOO FUCKING GOOD? YOU'RE LIKE THEY'VE KICKED MY ASS FOR
THREE
THEY'VE KICKED MY ASS FOR THREE HOURS. I'VE GOT TO TELL
YOU,
THREE HOURS. I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS SETTLES IT. YOU
WON'T
YOU, THIS SETTLES IT. YOU WON'T FIND ME VOLUNTEERING FOR
THE
WON'T FIND ME VOLUNTEERING FOR THE BEN AFFLECK ROAST. AS I
LIKE
THE BEN AFFLECK ROAST. AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, THURSDAY. ANY
WAY
LIKE TO CALL IT, THURSDAY. ANY WAY HI, YOU MAY KNOW ME AS AN
EXTRA
WAY HI, YOU MAY KNOW ME AS AN EXTRA FROM TOM'S DUNKIN' BOY
BAND
EXTRA FROM TOM'S DUNKIN' BOY BAND SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL. IN
FACT
BAND SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL. IN FACT IT WAS DURING THAT SHOOT
THAT
FACT IT WAS DURING THAT SHOOT THAT TOM ASKED ME TO LOOK AT
HIS
THAT TOM ASKED ME TO LOOK AT HIS SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS FOR
HIM.
HIS SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS FOR HIM. I GUESS FOR SOME REASON HE
THINKS
HIM. I GUESS FOR SOME REASON HE THINKS I GET A LOT OF ONLINE
CRITICISM.
THINKS I GET A LOT OF ONLINE CRITICISM. I DO. BUT I TOOK A
LOOK
CRITICISM. I DO. BUT I TOOK A LOOK AT IT. I'VE GOT TO TELL
YOU,
LOOK AT IT. I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I DIDN'T EVEN LAST TWO
FUCKING
YOU, I DIDN'T EVEN LAST TWO FUCKING HOURS. IT WAS THE MOST
TOXIC
FUCKING HOURS. IT WAS THE MOST TOXIC THING I HAVE EVER
EXPERIENCED.
TOXIC THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. AND THAT IS SAYING
SOMETHING.
EXPERIENCED. AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING. FOR INSTANCE HERE IS
ONE
SOMETHING. FOR INSTANCE HERE IS ONE LINE THAT I REMEMBER FROM
TALL
ONE LINE THAT I REMEMBER FROM TALL BOY HENRY BILL
ONE LINE THAT I REMEMBER FROM TALL BOY HENRY BILL-- THERE IS
A
TALL BOY HENRY BILL-- THERE IS A LOT OF L'S. BRADY WAS JUST A
QUARTERBACK
A LOT OF L'S. BRADY WAS JUST A QUARTERBACK WITH NO ARM
STRENGTH,
QUARTERBACK WITH NO ARM STRENGTH, A WHINY PUSSY WITH A
LOT
STRENGTH, A WHINY PUSSY WITH A LOT OF PROTECTIONS FROM THE
REFS.
LOT OF PROTECTIONS FROM THE REFS. HE SUCKS, FUCK YOU, FUCK,
YOU
REFS. HE SUCKS, FUCK YOU, FUCK, YOU TOM BRADY. THANKS TALL BOY,
HENRY.
YOU TOM BRADY. THANKS TALL BOY, HENRY. THAT'S THE KIND OF
STUFF
HENRY. THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF THAT TOM GETS ALL DAY
LONG.
STUFF THAT TOM GETS ALL DAY LONG. YOU KNOW, MEANWHILE TOM
AND
LONG. YOU KNOW, MEANWHILE TOM AND ALL THESE GUYS UP HERE,
YOU'VE
AND ALL THESE GUYS UP HERE, YOU'VE HEARD THEM SAY THEY
DON'T
YOU'VE HEARD THEM SAY THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE IT
IS
DON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT OH NO, YOU
KNOW,
IS ALWAYS ABOUT OH NO, YOU KNOW, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE FANS.
YOU
KNOW, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE FANS. YOU KNOW, WE COULDN'T DO IT
WITHOUT
YOU KNOW, WE COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT THE FANS. LET ME LET
YOU
WITHOUT THE FANS. LET ME LET YOU KNOW ABOUT A LITTLE SECRET,
TOM
YOU KNOW ABOUT A LITTLE SECRET, TOM CAN DO IT WITHOUT YOU. HE
REALLY
TOM CAN DO IT WITHOUT YOU. HE REALLY CAN. THEY'RE TALKING
SHIT
REALLY CAN. THEY'RE TALKING SHIT BEHIND YOUR FUCKING AOL
ACCOUNT
SHIT BEHIND YOUR FUCKING AOL ACCOUNT AND SUBURBAN BUFFALO
ABOUT
ACCOUNT AND SUBURBAN BUFFALO ABOUT THE GUY'S ARM STRENGTH
BEING
ABOUT THE GUY'S ARM STRENGTH BEING HIS FUCKING SYSTEMS GUY.
TOM
BEING HIS FUCKING SYSTEMS GUY. TOM WAS THE SYSTEM, OKAY? HE
HAS
TOM WAS THE SYSTEM, OKAY? HE HAS SEVEN RINGS. YOU TOOK SEVEN
YEARS
HAS SEVEN RINGS. YOU TOOK SEVEN YEARS TO GET YOUR GED. I MEAN
ARM
YEARS TO GET YOUR GED. I MEAN ARM STRENGTH. THIS IS THE NFL.
YOU'LL
ARM STRENGTH. THIS IS THE NFL. YOU'LL BE IN THE FUCKING
HOSPITAL
YOU'LL BE IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL IF YOU WILL STEP ON
THE
HOSPITAL IF YOU WILL STEP ON THE FIELD FOR ONE PLAY. I MEAN,
YOU
THE FIELD FOR ONE PLAY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, LOOK, FANS
FUCKING
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, LOOK, FANS FUCKING HAVE YOUR BACK, RIGHT?
THEY
FUCKING HAVE YOUR BACK, RIGHT? THEY BUY TICKETS, THEY SHOW UP.
WIN
THEY BUY TICKETS, THEY SHOW UP. WIN OR FUCKING LOSE, THEY
SUPPORT
WIN OR FUCKING LOSE, THEY SUPPORT YOU. I KNOW. I WENT TO
FOXBOROUGH
SUPPORT YOU. I KNOW. I WENT TO FOXBOROUGH WHERE STEVE GROGEN
WAS
FOXBOROUGH WHERE STEVE GROGEN WAS THE FOUNDING QUARTERBACK.
YEAH.
WAS THE FOUNDING QUARTERBACK. YEAH. LIKE YOU SITTING THERE
FUCKING
YEAH. LIKE YOU SITTING THERE FUCKING HIDING BEHIND YOUR
KEYBOARD,
FUCKING HIDING BEHIND YOUR KEYBOARD, SPEWING OUT ALL THIS
FUCKING
KEYBOARD, SPEWING OUT ALL THIS FUCKING TOXIC SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE
YOU'LL
FUCKING TOXIC SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COME UP TO
IT
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COME UP TO IT IF YOU SAW THEM AT THE CAR
WASH.
IT IF YOU SAW THEM AT THE CAR WASH. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WENT OU
IT IF YOU SAW THEM AT THE CAR WASH. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WENT OUT
THERE
WASH. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WENT OUT THERE AND DID SOMETHING WHO
WERE
THERE AND DID SOMETHING WHO WERE SUCCESSFUL OR EVEN IF
ANOTHER
WERE SUCCESSFUL OR EVEN IF ANOTHER PLAYER ENDED UP
CATCHING
ANOTHER PLAYER ENDED UP CATCHING THE FUCKING FOOTBALL
IN
CATCHING THE FUCKING FOOTBALL IN HIS HELMET. MAYBE THEY
FAILED.
IN HIS HELMET. MAYBE THEY FAILED. BUT FANS HAVE YOUR
BACK,
FAILED. BUT FANS HAVE YOUR BACK, OKAY? YOU GUYS OUT THERE,
TALKING
BACK, OKAY? YOU GUYS OUT THERE, TALKING SHIT, ALL RIGHT, BEHIND
YOUR
TALKING SHIT, ALL RIGHT, BEHIND YOUR FUCKING KEYBOARD. THAT
DOESN'T
YOUR FUCKING KEYBOARD. THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A FAN. THAT
MAKES
DOESN'T MAKE YOU A FAN. THAT MAKES YOU A BITCH. LOOK, TOM
STARTED
MAKES YOU A BITCH. LOOK, TOM STARTED HIS CAREER AS ARGUABLY
THE
STARTED HIS CAREER AS ARGUABLY THE SLOWEST LEAST PHYSICALLY
IMPRESSIVE
THE SLOWEST LEAST PHYSICALLY IMPRESSIVE NON-KICKER TO EVER
PUT
IMPRESSIVE NON-KICKER TO EVER PUT ON AN NFL UNIFORM INCLUDING
MASSAGE
PUT ON AN NFL UNIFORM INCLUDING MASSAGE THERAPIST. I MEAN LOOK
AT
MASSAGE THERAPIST. I MEAN LOOK AT THE FUCKING GUY. YOU KNOW
WHAT
AT THE FUCKING GUY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HE WENT TO THE PR
AT THE FUCKING GUY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HE WENT TO THE PRO
BOWL.
WHAT I MEAN? HE WENT TO THE PRO BOWL. HE STARTED HIS CAREER
WITH
BOWL. HE STARTED HIS CAREER WITH THE PHYSIQUE OF A
PROFESSIONAL
WITH THE PHYSIQUE OF A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER WITH A
SMALLER
PROFESSIONAL BOWLER WITH A SMALLER RIGHT ARM. OVERCAME ALL
THAT
SMALLER RIGHT ARM. OVERCAME ALL THAT TO BECOME THE GOAT. YOU
DIDN'T
THAT TO BECOME THE GOAT. YOU DIDN'T OVERCOME A MODEST
FUCKING
DIDN'T OVERCOME A MODEST FUCKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS
WITHOUT
FUCKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS WITHOUT YOUR RESCUE INHALER.
FUCK
WITHOUT YOUR RESCUE INHALER. FUCK YOU, TALL BOY. YOU SUCK. A
BUNCH
FUCK YOU, TALL BOY. YOU SUCK. A BUNCH OF FOOTBALL EXPERTS
LIVING.
BUNCH OF FOOTBALL EXPERTS LIVING. I APPRECIATE IT. AND
LIVING
LIVING. I APPRECIATE IT. AND LIVING ON THEIR AUNT'S COUCH,
SAYING
LIVING ON THEIR AUNT'S COUCH, SAYING LIKE OH, TOM, YOU KNOW,
YOU
SAYING LIKE OH, TOM, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD HAVE THROWN TO THE
SLANT
YOU SHOULD HAVE THROWN TO THE SLANT RECEIVER AGAINST THE
DOLPHINS.
SLANT RECEIVER AGAINST THE DOLPHINS. OR TOM, YOU SHOULD
HAVE
DOLPHINS. OR TOM, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE FUCKING
QUARTERBACK
HAVE SEEN THE FUCKING QUARTERBACK WHEN YOU THREW THAT
PICK
QUARTERBACK WHEN YOU THREW THAT PICK SIX IN THE SUPER BOWL
AGAINST
PICK SIX IN THE SUPER BOWL AGAINST ATLANTA. ACTUALLY THAT
WAS
AGAINST ATLANTA. ACTUALLY THAT WAS TERRIBLE. THERE'S NO EXCUSE
FOR
WAS TERRIBLE. THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT
FOR THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. BUT LOOK,
ESSENTIALLY
WHAT TO SAY. BUT LOOK, ESSENTIALLY FANS, I GET IT.
THEY
ESSENTIALLY FANS, I GET IT. THEY PAY THE SALARIES. BUT
COULD
THEY PAY THE SALARIES. BUT COULD YOU IMAGINE, JUST TRY TO
THINK
COULD YOU IMAGINE, JUST TRY TO THINK OF A LESS REWARDING, MORE
AGONIZING
THINK OF A LESS REWARDING, MORE AGONIZING PROFESSIONAL
EXPERIENCE
AGONIZING PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE THAT EFFECTIVELY
WORKING
EXPERIENCE THAT EFFECTIVELY WORKING FOR SOMEBODY, YOU GO
OUT
WORKING FOR SOMEBODY, YOU GO OUT AND FUCKING KILL IT,
SUCCEED
OUT AND FUCKING KILL IT, SUCCEED EVERY DAY TO THE DEGREE
THAT
SUCCEED EVERY DAY TO THE DEGREE THAT THAT FUCKING LEVEL, AND
THEN
THAT THAT FUCKING LEVEL, AND THEN YOU NEED TO GO ONLINE AND
READ
THEN YOU NEED TO GO ONLINE AND READ THAT SHIT. I CAN'T THINK
OF
READ THAT SHIT. I CAN'T THINK OF A MORE FUCKED UP
DYSFUNCTIONAL
OF A MORE FUCKED UP DYSFUNCTIONAL HORRIBLE WORKING
SYSTEM
DYSFUNCTIONAL HORRIBLE WORKING SYSTEM DESIGNED TO PERPETUALLY
MAKE
SYSTEM DESIGNED TO PERPETUALLY MAKE PEOPLE FEEL AWFUL. YOU
KNOW
MAKE PEOPLE FEEL AWFUL. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S ALL
THAT
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S ALL THAT MUCH OF A FUCKING
MISERABLE
THAT MUCH OF A FUCKING MISERABLE PRICK AND YOU CAN'T
DO
MISERABLE PRICK AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING. I DIDN'T KNOW, I
DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING. I DIDN'T KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO
BE
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE, BILL. I ACTUALLY CAN
THINK
BE HERE, BILL. I ACTUALLY CAN THINK OF ONE. THAT WAS MY BIT,
BUT
THINK OF ONE. THAT WAS MY BIT, BUT ACTUALLY I'M NOT GOING TO
BUT ACTUALLY I'M NOT GOING TO-- I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER
HAVE
I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER HAVE THIS CHANCE AGAIN. BILL.
WHAT'S
HAVE THIS CHANCE AGAIN. BILL. WHAT'S UP? I'M PROBABLY NEVER
GOING
WHAT'S UP? I'M PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO WORK AGAIN AFTER BEING
A
GOING TO WORK AGAIN AFTER BEING A PART OF THIS AFTER TONIGHT.
BUT
A PART OF THIS AFTER TONIGHT. BUT I'VE GOT A QUESTION. YES.
THAT'S
BUT I'VE GOT A QUESTION. YES. THAT'S THE THING. YOU BLOW THE
WHISTLE.
THAT'S THE THING. YOU BLOW THE WHISTLE. YOU HAVE THAT LOOK ON
YOUR
WHISTLE. YOU HAVE THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE LIKE EVERYONE WORKS
FOR
YOUR FACE LIKE EVERYONE WORKS FOR YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I
FOR YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I GOT SEASON TICKETS, YOU WORK
FOR
I GOT SEASON TICKETS, YOU WORK FOR ME MOTHER FUCKER. I WANT TO
ASK
FOR ME MOTHER FUCKER. I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, OKAY. IT'S
NOT
ASK YOU A QUESTION, OKAY. IT'S NOT ABOUT MALCOLM BUTLER.
THERE'S
NOT ABOUT MALCOLM BUTLER. THERE'S NO ANSWER TO THAT
QUESTION.
THERE'S NO ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. I GET IT. I KNOW, I
WATCHED
QUESTION. I GET IT. I KNOW, I WATCHED THE PRESS CONFERENCES,
YOU
WATCHED THE PRESS CONFERENCES, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A TALKER,
NO
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A TALKER, NO CHITCHAT, NO COMMENT, MOVING
ON
NO CHITCHAT, NO COMMENT, MOVING ON TO CINCINNATI. I DON'T KNOW
HOW
ON TO CINCINNATI. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT,
HONESTLY.
HOW YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT, HONESTLY. LOOK, IN MY BUSINESS,
EVEN
HONESTLY. LOOK, IN MY BUSINESS, EVEN IF YOU MAKE JUSTICE
LEAGUE,
EVEN IF YOU MAKE JUSTICE LEAGUE, YOU DON'T THINK I WANT
TO
LEAGUE, YOU DON'T THINK I WANT TO MOVE ON TO CINCINNATI? OH,
THE
TO MOVE ON TO CINCINNATI? OH, THE GLOBAL PRESS TOUR, AND
THEY'RE
THE GLOBAL PRESS TOUR, AND THEY'RE LIKE GET OUT THERE AND
TALK
THEY'RE LIKE GET OUT THERE AND TALK TO THE CAMERAS, CHAMP. I
WANT
TALK TO THE CAMERAS, CHAMP. I WANT TO MOVE ON TO CINCINNATI.
NO.
WANT TO MOVE ON TO CINCINNATI. NO. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY
MAKE
NO. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY MAKE MEMES OUT OF YOU, TALK.
ANY
MAKE MEMES OUT OF YOU, TALK. ANY WAY I JUST
MAKE MEMES OUT OF YOU, TALK. ANY WAY I JUST-- I JUST HAVE
THIS
ANY WAY I JUST-- I JUST HAVE THIS QUESTION, AND I GUESS, YOU
KNOW,
THIS QUESTION, AND I GUESS, YOU KNOW, I THINK I'D LIKE TO GET
AN
KNOW, I THINK I'D LIKE TO GET AN ANSWER. IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE,
YOU
AN ANSWER. IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO
MOVE
YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO MOVE ON. I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO
GO,
MOVE ON. I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO GO, YOU KNOW? I JUST WANT TO
KNOW,
GO, YOU KNOW? I JUST WANT TO KNOW, WHAT THE FUCK DOES A GUY
HAVE
KNOW, WHAT THE FUCK DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO MAKE BILL
BELICHICK
HAVE TO DO TO MAKE BILL BELICHICK HAPPY? HOW ABOUT JUST
TO
BELICHICK HAPPY? HOW ABOUT JUST TO SEE SOME TEETH? YOU'VE GOT
TO
TO SEE SOME TEETH? YOU'VE GOT TO CURE CANCER? AND THEY'RE
WATCHING
TO CURE CANCER? AND THEY'RE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL, TOM.
THOSE
WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL, TOM. THOSE ARE TOUCHDOWN PASSES. WIN
AGAIN,
THOSE ARE TOUCHDOWN PASSES. WIN AGAIN, AND BILL IS LOOKING AT
HIM
AGAIN, AND BILL IS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE, YOU KNOW, FUCKING TOM
SHITTING
HIM LIKE, YOU KNOW, FUCKING TOM SHITTING HIS CHEERIOS. THAT WA
HIM LIKE, YOU KNOW, FUCKING TOM SHITTING HIS CHEERIOS. THAT WAS
THE
SHITTING HIS CHEERIOS. THAT WAS THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE. DO YOU
KNOW
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE LOOK ON MY FACE
WOULD
KNOW WHAT THE LOOK ON MY FACE WOULD BE IF I WERE A FOOTBALL
COACH
WOULD BE IF I WERE A FOOTBALL COACH AND TOM BRADY WAS MY
QUARTERBACK?
COACH AND TOM BRADY WAS MY QUARTERBACK? [ LAUGHTER
COACH AND TOM BRADY WAS MY QUARTERBACK?
THANK
THANK YOU
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ANOTHER
ANOTHER PIECE OF WHITE BOY
HUMOR.
THIS
THIS IS
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I
EVER
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER WISHED NETFLIX HAD
COMMERCIALS.
ALL
COMMERCIALS. ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE ARE
FUCKING
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE ARE FUCKING REARING THE END OF THE
SHOW.
FUCKING REARING THE END OF THE SHOW. BY THE WAY AT THE END, IT
JUST
SHOW. BY THE WAY AT THE END, IT JUST GETS BETTER BECAUSE THIS
IS
JUST GETS BETTER BECAUSE THIS IS A MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN
WAITING
IS A MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. IT'S THE MAIN
EVENT.
WAITING FOR. IT'S THE MAIN EVENT. BY THE MAIN EVENT, I DO
MEAN
EVENT. BY THE MAIN EVENT, I DO MEAN MAIN EVENT. SO DO ME A
FAVOR
MEAN MAIN EVENT. SO DO ME A FAVOR AND GET ON YOUR FEET FOR
THE
FAVOR AND GET ON YOUR FEET FOR THE MOMENT THAT WE HAVE ALL
BEEN
THE MOMENT THAT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. THE MAN OF
THE
BEEN WAITING FOR. THE MAN OF THE HOUR. THAT'S RIGHT, THE
FUCKING
THE HOUR. THAT'S RIGHT, THE FUCKING LEGEND. AND WHEN WE
TALK
FUCKING LEGEND. AND WHEN WE TALK ABOUT GODDAMN LEGENDS,
I'M
TALK ABOUT GODDAMN LEGENDS, I'M TALKING ABOUT PEYTON
MANNING!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK
YOU,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, KEVIN. WHEN KEVIN REACHED
OUT
YOU, KEVIN. WHEN KEVIN REACHED OUT TO ME ABOUT ROASTING TOM,
HE
OUT TO ME ABOUT ROASTING TOM, HE TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO BE A
SURPRISE
HE TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO BE A SURPRISE AT THE END OF THE
NIGHT.
SURPRISE AT THE END OF THE NIGHT. AND HE ALSO TOLD ME HOW
DESPERATE
NIGHT. AND HE ALSO TOLD ME HOW DESPERATE NETFLIX WAS FOR
DOWNLOADS.
DESPERATE NETFLIX WAS FOR DOWNLOADS. THEY SAID PEYTON,
YOU'VE
DOWNLOADS. THEY SAID PEYTON, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US OUT.
AARON
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US OUT. AARON RODGERS CAN'T MAKE IT
ANYMORE.
AARON RODGERS CAN'T MAKE IT ANYMORE. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS
WHO
ANYMORE. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHO JULIAN EDELMAN IS. AND
GRONKOWSKI
WHO JULIAN EDELMAN IS. AND GRONKOWSKI PROBABLY CAN'T READ
A
GRONKOWSKI PROBABLY CAN'T READ A TELEPROMPTER. HOW GREAT IS
ROB
A TELEPROMPTER. HOW GREAT IS ROB GRONKOWSKI? WHEN I THINK OF
GRONK
ROB GRONKOWSKI? WHEN I THINK OF GRONK-- WHEN I THINK OF GRONK,
I
GRONK-- WHEN I THINK OF GRONK, I REALLY THINK OF FIRSTS. HE'S
THE
I REALLY THINK OF FIRSTS. HE'S THE FIRST TIGHT END TO LEAD THE
NFL
THE FIRST TIGHT END TO LEAD THE NFL IN RECEIVING TOUCHDOWNS.
HE'S
NFL IN RECEIVING TOUCHDOWNS. HE'S GOING TO BE A
FIRST-BALLOT
HE'S GOING TO BE A FIRST-BALLOT HALL OF FAMER. AND
BY
FIRST-BALLOT HALL OF FAMER. AND BY THE LOOKS OF HIM, HIS
PARENTS
BY THE LOOKS OF HIM, HIS PARENTS WERE FIRST COUSINS. IT
IS
PARENTS WERE FIRST COUSINS. IT IS GREAT TO SEE THE GREATEST
COACH
IS GREAT TO SEE THE GREATEST COACH IN NFL HISTORY, COACH
BILL
COACH IN NFL HISTORY, COACH BILL BELICHICK HERE. FOR THOSE
THAT
BILL BELICHICK HERE. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T KNOW, COACH IS
DOING
THAT DON'T KNOW, COACH IS DOING SOME WORK ON MONDAY NIGHT
FOOTBALL
DOING SOME WORK ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL SHOW THIS YEAR. I'VE
GOT
FOOTBALL SHOW THIS YEAR. I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S GOING TO
BE
GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME. ELI AND I ARE SUPER
EXCITED,
BE AWESOME. ELI AND I ARE SUPER EXCITED, AND IT'S GOING TO
GIVE
EXCITED, AND IT'S GOING TO GIVE COACH BELICHICK SOMETHING
HE
GIVE COACH BELICHICK SOMETHING HE HASN'T HAD IN A WHILE. A
CHANCE
HE HASN'T HAD IN A WHILE. A CHANCE TO BE AROUND
QUARTERBACKS
CHANCE TO BE AROUND QUARTERBACKS THAT HE RESPECTS.
HONESTLY
QUARTERBACKS THAT HE RESPECTS. HONESTLY IT IS GREAT TO BE WITH
A
HONESTLY IT IS GREAT TO BE WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SITTING
AROUND,
A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SITTING AROUND, TALKING SMACK ABOUT TOM
BRADY
AROUND, TALKING SMACK ABOUT TOM BRADY OR AS WE CALL THAT IN THE
MANNING
BRADY OR AS WE CALL THAT IN THE MANNING FAMILY, THANKSGIVING.
TRUE
MANNING FAMILY, THANKSGIVING. TRUE STORY AFTER SPENDING
SEVERAL
TRUE STORY AFTER SPENDING SEVERAL THANKSGIVING WITH MY
PARTICIPANTS,
SEVERAL THANKSGIVING WITH MY PARTICIPANTS, MY KIDS NOW
EXCUSE
PARTICIPANTS, MY KIDS NOW EXCUSE THEMSELVES TO USE THE
BATHROOM
EXCUSE THEMSELVES TO USE THE BATHROOM BY SAYING I HAVE TO GO
TAKE
BATHROOM BY SAYING I HAVE TO GO TAKE A BRADY. IN ALL
SERIOUSNESS,
TAKE A BRADY. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, LET ME TELL YOU
ABOUT
SERIOUSNESS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TOM BRADY, THE MAN. TOM
IS
ABOUT TOM BRADY, THE MAN. TOM IS MAKING A DONATION TO EVERY
ONE
IS MAKING A DONATION TO EVERY ONE OF HIS FORMER TEAMMATES
CHARITIES
ONE OF HIS FORMER TEAMMATES CHARITIES THAT CAME HERE
TONIGHT.
CHARITIES THAT CAME HERE TONIGHT. I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,
TOM,
TONIGHT. I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, TOM, THAT IS FIRST CLASS. HEY
FELLAS,
TOM, THAT IS FIRST CLASS. HEY FELLAS, DON'T LET HIM PAY YOU
IN
FELLAS, DON'T LET HIM PAY YOU IN CRYPTO. TOM, EVEN THOUGH WE
WERE
IN CRYPTO. TOM, EVEN THOUGH WE WERE BITTER RIVALS, WE'VE
BECOME
WERE BITTER RIVALS, WE'VE BECOME REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. I
APPRECIATE
BECOME REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. I APPRECIATE OUR FRIENDSHIP.
ALTHOUGH
APPRECIATE OUR FRIENDSHIP. ALTHOUGH TOM AND I ARE STILL
VERY
ALTHOUGH TOM AND I ARE STILL VERY DIFFERENT. LIKE MY IDEA OF
A
VERY DIFFERENT. LIKE MY IDEA OF A FUN SATURDAY NIGHT IS GOING
TO
A FUN SATURDAY NIGHT IS GOING TO A LOCAL BAR WITH MY FRIENDS,
SHOOTING
TO A LOCAL BAR WITH MY FRIENDS, SHOOTING A LITTLE POOL. WHILE
TOM'S
SHOOTING A LITTLE POOL. WHILE TOM'S IDEA OF A FUN SATURDAY
NIGHT
TOM'S IDEA OF A FUN SATURDAY NIGHT IS GOING TO THE MET GALA
DRESSED
NIGHT IS GOING TO THE MET GALA DRESSED AS THE MOST FABULOUS
GENERAL
DRESSED AS THE MOST FABULOUS GENERAL ON THE DEATH STAR. MY
IDEA
GENERAL ON THE DEATH STAR. MY IDEA OF DINNER IS APPLEBEE'S.
TOM'S
IDEA OF DINNER IS APPLEBEE'S. TOM'S IDEA OF DINNER IS EATING
APPLES
TOM'S IDEA OF DINNER IS EATING APPLES AND BEES. OF COURSE, WE
ALL
APPLES AND BEES. OF COURSE, WE ALL KNOW TOM HAS FIVE MORE
SUPER
ALL KNOW TOM HAS FIVE MORE SUPER BOWL RINGS THAN I DO. HE
ALSO
SUPER BOWL RINGS THAN I DO. HE ALSO HAS MORE TOUCHDOWNS. HE
ALSO
ALSO HAS MORE TOUCHDOWNS. HE ALSO HAS MORE TOUCHDOWNS THAN I
DO,
ALSO HAS MORE TOUCHDOWNS THAN I DO, MORE PASSING YARDS, MORE
RETIREMENTS,
DO, MORE PASSING YARDS, MORE RETIREMENTS, MORE FAKE HAIR.
MORE
RETIREMENTS, MORE FAKE HAIR. MORE TB12 BANKRUPTCIES. THAT IS
ALL
MORE TB12 BANKRUPTCIES. THAT IS ALL TRUE, OKAY. BUT I REMEMBER
ONCE
ALL TRUE, OKAY. BUT I REMEMBER ONCE TOM TOLD ME PEYTON,
NUMBERS
ONCE TOM TOLD ME PEYTON, NUMBERS DON'T MATTER. SURE, IT
WAS
NUMBERS DON'T MATTER. SURE, IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE HE DELETED
EVERY
WAS RIGHT BEFORE HE DELETED EVERY NUMBER IN HIS PHONE
BECAUSE
EVERY NUMBER IN HIS PHONE BECAUSE NFL INVESTIGATORS WERE
ABOUT
BECAUSE NFL INVESTIGATORS WERE ABOUT TO KICK DOWN HIS DOOR.
BUT
ABOUT TO KICK DOWN HIS DOOR. BUT WAS STILL NICE OF HIM TO
SAY.
BUT WAS STILL NICE OF HIM TO SAY. ONE THING THAT TOM AND I
DEFINITELY
SAY. ONE THING THAT TOM AND I DEFINITELY HAVE IN COMMON
THOUGH
DEFINITELY HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR LOVE OF THE GAME
OF
THOUGH IS OUR LOVE OF THE GAME OF GOLF. AND HEY LISTEN, NOT TO
BRAG,
OF GOLF. AND HEY LISTEN, NOT TO BRAG, WE'RE BOTH PRETTY GOOD
PLAYERS.
BRAG, WE'RE BOTH PRETTY GOOD PLAYERS. MY HANDICAP IS A 6.4,
WHILE
PLAYERS. MY HANDICAP IS A 6.4, WHILE TOM'S HANDICAP IS
BLOWING
WHILE TOM'S HANDICAP IS BLOWING LEADS IN THE SUPER BOWL
TO
BLOWING LEADS IN THE SUPER BOWL TO MY BROTHER, ELI. BUT LOOK, I
WANT
TO MY BROTHER, ELI. BUT LOOK, I WANT NOTHING, BUT THE BEST FOR
MY
WANT NOTHING, BUT THE BEST FOR MY FRIEND, TOM BRADY. NOW THAT
WE'RE
MY FRIEND, TOM BRADY. NOW THAT WE'RE BOTH IN BROADCASTING,
SOME
WE'RE BOTH IN BROADCASTING, SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S A
RIVALRY
SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S A RIVALRY AGAIN, THAT I WANT TO
SEE
RIVALRY AGAIN, THAT I WANT TO SEE TOM FAIL. THAT I WANT TO
SEE
SEE TOM FAIL. THAT I WANT TO SEE HIM EMBARRASS HIMSELF AND
GET
SEE HIM EMBARRASS HIMSELF AND GET FIRED. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY
RIDICULOUS.
GET FIRED. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. IT'S COACH
BELICHICK
RIDICULOUS. IT'S COACH BELICHICK WHO WANTS THAT.
LADIES
BELICHICK WHO WANTS THAT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS
ALMOST
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS ALMOST TIME FOR THE GUEST OF
HONOR
ALMOST TIME FOR THE GUEST OF HONOR TO DEFEND HIMSELF. THE
LAST
HONOR TO DEFEND HIMSELF. THE LAST TIME, THE LAST TIME TOM
BRADY
LAST TIME, THE LAST TIME TOM BRADY HAD TO WAIT THIS LONG TO
GET
BRADY HAD TO WAIT THIS LONG TO GET ON STAGE, IT WAS THE 2000
NFL
GET ON STAGE, IT WAS THE 2000 NFL DRAFT.
HE
HE IS
HE IS A
HE IS A THREE-TIME SUPER BOWL
LOSER.
HE IS A THREE-TIME SUPER BOWL LOSER. PLEASE WELCOME TOM
BRADY!
♪[
♪[ MUSIC
♪[ MUSIC ] ♪
THANK YOU.
AWE,
AWE, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I'VE
HAD
AWE, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I'VE HAD A LOT OF TEQUILA. I'VE BEEN
UP
HAD A LOT OF TEQUILA. I'VE BEEN UP HERE FOR TWO HOURS LISTENING
TO
UP HERE FOR TWO HOURS LISTENING TO A BUNCH OF SHITTY JOKES.
WHERE
TO A BUNCH OF SHITTY JOKES. WHERE THE FUCK DID PEYTON JUST
WALK
WHERE THE FUCK DID PEYTON JUST WALK OFF THE STAGE? PEYTON,
THANK
WALK OFF THE STAGE? PEYTON, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
OUT
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT TO L.A. TO DO THIS. I KNOW
SOMETIMES
OUT TO L.A. TO DO THIS. I KNOW SOMETIMES YOU LIVE IN DENVER
AND
SOMETIMES YOU LIVE IN DENVER AND SOMETIMES YOU LIVE IN
LOUISIANA,
AND SOMETIMES YOU LIVE IN LOUISIANA, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS
LIVE
LOUISIANA, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS LIVE IN MY SHADOW.
WHEN I HEARD THERE WAS A SLOW
WHITE
WHEN I HEARD THERE WAS A SLOW WHITE BRONCO HEADING DOWN THE
405
WHITE BRONCO HEADING DOWN THE 405 TO COME HERE TONIGHT, I
THOUGHT
405 TO COME HERE TONIGHT, I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE A
REAL
THOUGHT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE A REAL FOOTBALL LEGEND. PEYTON
AND
REAL FOOTBALL LEGEND. PEYTON AND I, WE GO WAY BACK. WHEN WE
STARTED
AND I, WE GO WAY BACK. WHEN WE STARTED PLAYING, BRETT FAVRE
WAS
STARTED PLAYING, BRETT FAVRE WAS STILL FAXING HIS DICK PICS.
AND
WAS STILL FAXING HIS DICK PICS. AND ANTONIO KAMARDI ONLY HAD
ONE
AND ANTONIO KAMARDI ONLY HAD ONE KID. WELL, FOLKS, HERE WE
ARE
ONE KID. WELL, FOLKS, HERE WE ARE ONCE AGAIN, A PACKED ARENA,
FIVE
ARE ONCE AGAIN, A PACKED ARENA, FIVE MINUTES ON THE CLOCK.
EVERYTHING
FIVE MINUTES ON THE CLOCK. EVERYTHING ON THE LINE. WE NEED
A
EVERYTHING ON THE LINE. WE NEED A HERO. SOMEONE TO COME FROM
BEHIND
A HERO. SOMEONE TO COME FROM BEHIND AND PULL THIS CLUSTER
FUCK
BEHIND AND PULL THIS CLUSTER FUCK OUT OF THE TOILET. WHAT
THE
FUCK OUT OF THE TOILET. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GUYS DO HERE
TONIGHT?
THE FUCK DID YOU GUYS DO HERE TONIGHT? LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME
FOR
TONIGHT? LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR THOMAS EDWARD PATRICK BRADY
JR.
FOR THOMAS EDWARD PATRICK BRADY JR. TO STEP UP AND LEAD US TO
GLORY.
JR. TO STEP UP AND LEAD US TO GLORY. BECAUSE YOU AND I KNOW
AND
GLORY. BECAUSE YOU AND I KNOW AND EVERYONE IN THIS DUMP KNOWS
HE
AND EVERYONE IN THIS DUMP KNOWS HE CAN DO IT. YEP, THE WORD
HERO
HE CAN DO IT. YEP, THE WORD HERO COMES TO MIND. BUT I
STRUGGLE
HERO COMES TO MIND. BUT I STRUGGLE WITH THAT WORD.
BECAUSE
STRUGGLE WITH THAT WORD. BECAUSE LIKE THE REST OF
AMERICA,
BECAUSE LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA, I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER
WHERE
AMERICA, I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER WHERE I WAS THAT FAITHFUL DAY
IN
WHERE I WAS THAT FAITHFUL DAY IN SEPTEMBER OF 2001, WHEN
TRAGICALLY
IN SEPTEMBER OF 2001, WHEN TRAGICALLY THOSE TWO JETS
SLAMMED
TRAGICALLY THOSE TWO JETS SLAMMED INTO DREW BLEDSOE.
JEFF
JEFF ROSS, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR
JEFF ROSS, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR TALKING ME INTO DOING THIS.
ANOTHER
FOR TALKING ME INTO DOING THIS. ANOTHER THING THAT I'M GREAT
AT.
ANOTHER THING THAT I'M GREAT AT. WHO KNEW. OH YEAH. I DID.
BECAUSE
AT. WHO KNEW. OH YEAH. I DID. BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO REPLACE
YOU
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO REPLACE YOU AS THE GREATEST ROASTER OF
ALL
YOU AS THE GREATEST ROASTER OF ALL TIME. SO HIT THE BENCH,
JEFF.
ALL TIME. SO HIT THE BENCH, JEFF. TONIGHT YOU'RE JEW
BLEDSOE.
JEFF. TONIGHT YOU'RE JEW BLEDSOE. PEOPLE ASK, TOM, WHY
WOULD
BLEDSOE. PEOPLE ASK, TOM, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS ROAST NOW?
IT'S
WOULD YOU DO THIS ROAST NOW? IT'S SIMPLE. I CAN TAKE ALL
THE
IT'S SIMPLE. I CAN TAKE ALL THE HITS. I WOULD HAVE DONE
THIS
THE HITS. I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS EARLIER, BUT I'VE BEEN
TOO
THIS EARLIER, BUT I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS.
WHICH
TOO BUSY WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS. WHICH EXPLAINS WHY PEYTON DID
THIS
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY PEYTON DID THIS ROAST EIGHT YEARS AGO. SO
LET'S
THIS ROAST EIGHT YEARS AGO. SO LET'S FUCKING GO!
I
I HEARD
I HEARD SOME PEOPLE TALK ABOUT
ME
I HEARD SOME PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ME HAVING BAD KNEES. YOU
NOMINEES
ME HAVING BAD KNEES. YOU NOMINEES ARE SO FUCKED UP,
KEVIN,
NOMINEES ARE SO FUCKED UP, KEVIN, BECAUSE I SPENT SO MANY
GODDAMN
KEVIN, BECAUSE I SPENT SO MANY GODDAMN HOURS ON THE FLOOR
BEGGING
GODDAMN HOURS ON THE FLOOR BEGGING NETFLIX TO GET
CHAPPELLE
BEGGING NETFLIX TO GET CHAPPELLE TO HOST THIS. YEAH.
FUCK
CHAPPELLE TO HOST THIS. YEAH. FUCK YOU, KEVIN.
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. LET'S GO.
PROFESSOR
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. LET'S GO. PROFESSOR GRONKOWSKI. MY BOY.
THANK
PROFESSOR GRONKOWSKI. MY BOY. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
DESPITE
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. DESPITE EVERYTHING WE'VE SEEN
HERE
DESPITE EVERYTHING WE'VE SEEN HERE TONIGHT, GRONK WAS
ACTUALLY
HERE TONIGHT, GRONK WAS ACTUALLY USEFUL ON THE FIELD,
ALTHOUGH
ACTUALLY USEFUL ON THE FIELD, ALTHOUGH THE BAR FOR PATRIOT
TIGHT
ALTHOUGH THE BAR FOR PATRIOT TIGHT ENDS WAS PRETTY LOW BACK
THEN.
TIGHT ENDS WAS PRETTY LOW BACK THEN. BLOCK, CATCH, DON'T
MURDER.
THANKS TO ME, GRONK WAS SO
BELOVED
THANKS TO ME, GRONK WAS SO BELOVED THERE'S A BABY RHINO
IN
BELOVED THERE'S A BABY RHINO IN THE TAMPA ZOO NAMED AFTER
HIM.
IN THE TAMPA ZOO NAMED AFTER HIM. AND GRONK, I'M HERE TO
SAY
HIM. AND GRONK, I'M HERE TO SAY YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER. YOU
CAN
SAY YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER. YOU CAN STOP SENDING THOSE CHECKS.
WHEN
WHEN YOU'RE TOM BRADY, YOU'RE
NOT
WHEN YOU'RE TOM BRADY, YOU'RE NOT ONLY FEARED, YOU'RE ENVIED.
PEOPLE
NOT ONLY FEARED, YOU'RE ENVIED. PEOPLE WANT TO BE YOU, RIGHT,
JULIAN?
BRO,
BRO, YOU
BRO, YOU CAN LIVE IN MY GUEST
HOUSE,
BRO, YOU CAN LIVE IN MY GUEST HOUSE, SWIM IN MY POOL, TRY ON
MY
HOUSE, SWIM IN MY POOL, TRY ON MY FUCKING JOCKER OR ANY OTHER
SICK
MY FUCKING JOCKER OR ANY OTHER SICK SHIT YOU DO WHEN I'M NOT
AROUND,
SICK SHIT YOU DO WHEN I'M NOT AROUND, BUT YOU'RE A FUCKING
STALKER,
AROUND, BUT YOU'RE A FUCKING STALKER, BRO. YOU'LL NEVER BE
ME
STALKER, BRO. YOU'LL NEVER BE ME EVER. EVER. NAH, NOW YOU CA
STALKER, BRO. YOU'LL NEVER BE ME EVER. EVER. NAH, NOW YOU CAN
DATE
ME EVER. EVER. NAH, NOW YOU CAN DATE A MODEL OR FOUR, STEAL MY
COLOGNE,
DATE A MODEL OR FOUR, STEAL MY COLOGNE, ACTIVELY LOBBY TO GET
PEYTON
COLOGNE, ACTIVELY LOBBY TO GET PEYTON MANNING REMOVED FROM THE
HALL
PEYTON MANNING REMOVED FROM THE HALL OF FAME, BUT YOU'LL NEVER
BE
HALL OF FAME, BUT YOU'LL NEVER BE ME. BY THE WAY, I WANT TO
SET
BE ME. BY THE WAY, I WANT TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.
CERTAIN
SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. CERTAIN HATERS, YOU'VE BEEN UP
HERE
CERTAIN HATERS, YOU'VE BEEN UP HERE TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME NOT
HAVING
HERE TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME NOT HAVING ANY BLACK RECEIVERS. I
NEVER
HAVING ANY BLACK RECEIVERS. I NEVER NOTICED. WHITE PLAYERS,
BLACK
NEVER NOTICED. WHITE PLAYERS, BLACK PLAYERS, EVEN IF I TAKE
THEIR
BLACK PLAYERS, EVEN IF I TAKE THEIR JOB WHILE LYING IN A
FUCKING
THEIR JOB WHILE LYING IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL BED COUGHING
UP
FUCKING HOSPITAL BED COUGHING UP BLOOD. THEY ALL GET RINGS
WHEN
UP BLOOD. THEY ALL GET RINGS WHEN THEY PLAY WITH TOM BRADY,
RIGHT,
WHEN THEY PLAY WITH TOM BRADY, RIGHT, DREW? UNLESS YOU'RE
RANDY
RIGHT, DREW? UNLESS YOU'RE RANDY MOSS. CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT
RANDY MOSS. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY UP HERE BEGGING ME, T
BOY,
THAT GUY UP HERE BEGGING ME, T BOY, GIVE ME ONE OF YOUR RINGS.
GIVE
BOY, GIVE ME ONE OF YOUR RINGS. GIVE YOU A RING? BITCH, PLEASE,
YOU'LL
GIVE YOU A RING? BITCH, PLEASE, YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF I SEND YOU
A
YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF I SEND YOU A TEXT. I'M NOT SITTING ON
SOME
A TEXT. I'M NOT SITTING ON SOME PLANK TRYING TO HOOK ME A
CAT
SOME PLANK TRYING TO HOOK ME A CAT FISH. I'M TOM BRADY. I GOT
SHIT
CAT FISH. I'M TOM BRADY. I GOT SHIT TO DO. WHERE DID BEN
AFFLECK
SHIT TO DO. WHERE DID BEN AFFLECK GO? LOOK AT BEN
AFFLECK.
AFFLECK GO? LOOK AT BEN AFFLECK. HE'S A HUGE MOVIE
STAR.
AFFLECK. HE'S A HUGE MOVIE STAR. JERSEY GIRL, PHANTOM,
BATMAN.
STAR. JERSEY GIRL, PHANTOM, BATMAN. AND HE'S HERE
DEFENDING
BATMAN. AND HE'S HERE DEFENDING ME? WHEN HAS BEN
AFFLECK
DEFENDING ME? WHEN HAS BEN AFFLECK EVER MADE A BAD
DECISION?
AFFLECK EVER MADE A BAD DECISION? GLAZER, SCHULZ,
HINCHCLIFFE,
DECISION? GLAZER, SCHULZ, HINCHCLIFFE, WHO PICKED THIS
SHITTY
HINCHCLIFFE, WHO PICKED THIS SHITTY LINEUP? THE NEW YORK
JETS
SHITTY LINEUP? THE NEW YORK JETS FRONT OFFICE? NICE FUCKING
HAIRCUT.
JETS FRONT OFFICE? NICE FUCKING HAIRCUT. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO
SAY
HAIRCUT. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY SHIT ABOUT SAM JAY BECAUSE
SHE
SAY SHIT ABOUT SAM JAY BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT FUCKING
DUDE
SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT FUCKING DUDE WHO SHREDDED MY ACL. I
DON'T
DUDE WHO SHREDDED MY ACL. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FROM
BOSTON.
DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FROM BOSTON. KIM KARDASHIAN, THANK
YOU
BOSTON. KIM KARDASHIAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. I
KNOW
YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. I KNOW KIM WAS TERRIFIED TO BE
HERE
KNOW KIM WAS TERRIFIED TO BE HERE TONIGHT. NOT BECAUSE OF
THIS
HERE TONIGHT. NOT BECAUSE OF THIS BUT BECAUSE HER KIDS ARE
AT
THIS BUT BECAUSE HER KIDS ARE AT HOME WITH THEIR DAD.
WE GOT SO
WE GOT SO MANY GREAT FOOTBALL
GREATS
WE GOT SO MANY GREAT FOOTBALL GREATS HERE TONIGHT, BUT
WHERE'S
GREATS HERE TONIGHT, BUT WHERE'S ROGER GOODELL? I KNOW.
REMEMBER
WHERE'S ROGER GOODELL? I KNOW. REMEMBER DEFLATEGATE? THE NFL
SPENT
REMEMBER DEFLATEGATE? THE NFL SPENT $20 MILLION AND FOUND IT
WAS
SPENT $20 MILLION AND FOUND IT WAS MORE PROBABLE THAN NOT THAT
I
WAS MORE PROBABLE THAN NOT THAT I WAS GENERALLY AWARE THAT
SOMEONE
I WAS GENERALLY AWARE THAT SOMEONE MAY HAVE DEFLATED MY
FOOTBALLS.
SOMEONE MAY HAVE DEFLATED MY FOOTBALLS. YOU COULD HAVE JUST
GIVEN
FOOTBALLS. YOU COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN ME THE $20 MILLION AND I
WOULD
GIVEN ME THE $20 MILLION AND I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU I FUCKING
DID
WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU I FUCKING DID IT.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET THE
NFL
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET THE NFL TOO UPSET. I'M TRYING TO
BUY
NFL TOO UPSET. I'M TRYING TO BUY A PIECE OF THE RAIDERS.
I'M
BUY A PIECE OF THE RAIDERS. I'M TIRED OF JUST OWNING THE
COLTS
I'M TIRED OF JUST OWNING THE COLTS AND THE BILLS. BUFFALO
FANS
COLTS AND THE BILLS. BUFFALO FANS CALLED THEMSELVES THE
BILLS
FANS CALLED THEMSELVES THE BILLS MAFIA. HOW ARE YOU THE
FUCKING
BILLS MAFIA. HOW ARE YOU THE FUCKING MAFIA? AT LEAST THE
MAFIA
FUCKING MAFIA? AT LEAST THE MAFIA HAS A RING YOU CAN KISS.
WHILE
MAFIA HAS A RING YOU CAN KISS. WHILE WE'RE AT IT, SCREW COLTS
FANS.
WHILE WE'RE AT IT, SCREW COLTS FANS. COLTS ARE JUST BRONCOS
WHO
FANS. COLTS ARE JUST BRONCOS WHO DON'T FUCK.
KANSAS
KANSAS CITY, YOU SAY YOUR
STADIUM
KANSAS CITY, YOU SAY YOUR STADIUM IS THE LOUDEST? IT
HELPS
STADIUM IS THE LOUDEST? IT HELPS WHEN ALL YOUR FANS ARE
14-YEAR-OLD
HELPS WHEN ALL YOUR FANS ARE 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.
AND IN HONOR OF TAYTAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHIEFS ERA.
TERRIBLE
TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHIEFS ERA. TERRIBLE FOR 50 YEARS, GOOD FOR
FIVE.
TERRIBLE FOR 50 YEARS, GOOD FOR FIVE. SHAKE IT OFF.
PHILLY FANS ARE JUST RACIST
ASSHOLES.
PHILLY FANS ARE JUST RACIST ASSHOLES. BUT KEVIN HART IS
FROM
ASSHOLES. BUT KEVIN HART IS FROM THERE, SO I GET IT. YEAH,
FUCK
FROM THERE, SO I GET IT. YEAH, FUCK YOU, KEVIN. IN PHILLY THEY
HAVE
FUCK YOU, KEVIN. IN PHILLY THEY HAVE TO GREASE UP THE LIGHT
POLES,
HAVE TO GREASE UP THE LIGHT POLES, SO PEOPLE DON'T CLIMB
THEM
POLES, SO PEOPLE DON'T CLIMB THEM AFTER GAMES. YOU KNOW HOW
THEY
THEM AFTER GAMES. YOU KNOW HOW THEY GREASE UP THOSE POLES?
THEY
THEY GREASE UP THOSE POLES? THEY RUB SOMEONE FROM
PHILADELPHIA
THEY RUB SOMEONE FROM PHILADELPHIA ON THEM. AND
GIANTS
PHILADELPHIA ON THEM. AND GIANTS FANS, FUCK ELI AND FUCK
YOU
GIANTS FANS, FUCK ELI AND FUCK YOU TWICE.
AND
AND NOW
AND NOW FOR THE REAL REASON YO
AND NOW FOR THE REAL REASON YOU
ARE
AND NOW FOR THE REAL REASON YOU ARE ALL HERE, COACH BILL
BELICHICK.
ARE ALL HERE, COACH BILL BELICHICK. EVERYBODY ASKS ME
WHICH
BELICHICK. EVERYBODY ASKS ME WHICH RING IS MY FAVORITE. I
USED
WHICH RING IS MY FAVORITE. I USED TO SAY THE NEXT ONE. BUT
NOW
USED TO SAY THE NEXT ONE. BUT NOW THAT I'M RETIRED, MY
FAVORITE
NOW THAT I'M RETIRED, MY FAVORITE RING IS THE CAMERA
THAT
FAVORITE RING IS THE CAMERA THAT CAUGHT COACH BELICHICK
SHRINKING
THAT CAUGHT COACH BELICHICK SHRINKING OUT OF THAT POOR
GIRL'S
SHRINKING OUT OF THAT POOR GIRL'S HOUSE AT 6:00 A.M. A
FEW
GIRL'S HOUSE AT 6:00 A.M. A FEW MONTHS AGO. HEY, YOU STILL
GOT
FEW MONTHS AGO. HEY, YOU STILL GOT IT. RESPECT, BABY. YOU KNOW
WE'VE
GOT IT. RESPECT, BABY. YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH.
AFTER
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. AFTER TWO DECADES, I FINALLY
HAD
AFTER TWO DECADES, I FINALLY HAD TO ADMIT THAT ALL ALONG IT
WAS
HAD TO ADMIT THAT ALL ALONG IT WAS YOU. YOU'RE THE REASON FO
HAD TO ADMIT THAT ALL ALONG IT WAS YOU. YOU'RE THE REASON FOR
THE
WAS YOU. YOU'RE THE REASON FOR THE PATRIOTS DYNASTY BECAUSE
YOU,
THE PATRIOTS DYNASTY BECAUSE YOU, BILL BELICHICK, YOU ARE A
TRUE
YOU, BILL BELICHICK, YOU ARE A TRUE COACHING GENIUS. I MEAN
YOU
TRUE COACHING GENIUS. I MEAN YOU HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN AN
AGING
YOU HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN AN AGING INJURED, OVERPAID DREW
BLEDSOE,
AGING INJURED, OVERPAID DREW BLEDSOE, AND A YOUNG HEALTHY
MINIMUM
BLEDSOE, AND A YOUNG HEALTHY MINIMUM WAGE SUPER STAR. I
COULD
MINIMUM WAGE SUPER STAR. I COULD HAVE GOT A FUCKING COACH
FROM
COULD HAVE GOT A FUCKING COACH FROM FOXBOROUGH FUCKING HIGH
SCHOOL
FROM FOXBOROUGH FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL TO MAKE THAT DECISION.
RUN
SCHOOL TO MAKE THAT DECISION. RUN IT AGAIN, BELICHICK. I'VE
BEEN
RUN IT AGAIN, BELICHICK. I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE GAME FOR A
MINUTE,
BEEN OUT OF THE GAME FOR A MINUTE, SO I'M CURIOUS. HOW
MANY
MINUTE, SO I'M CURIOUS. HOW MANY SUPER BOWL RINGS HAVE YOU
WON
MANY SUPER BOWL RINGS HAVE YOU WON SINCE I LEFT? MAYBE IT'S
NOT
WON SINCE I LEFT? MAYBE IT'S NOT JUST THE GUY IN THE
SIDELINE.
NOT JUST THE GUY IN THE SIDELINE. WHEN I GO TO THE INDY
500,
SIDELINE. WHEN I GO TO THE INDY 500, I DON'T ASK THE WINNING
DRIVER,
500, I DON'T ASK THE WINNING DRIVER, HEY, WHO GASSED UP YOUR
CAR?
DRIVER, HEY, WHO GASSED UP YOUR CAR? THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF
JOKES
CAR? THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF JOKES TONIGHT, BUT THE TRUTH IS
I
JOKES TONIGHT, BUT THE TRUTH IS I MISS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,
FOOTBALL.
I MISS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, FOOTBALL. SO TO MY FANS, IT'S
BEEN
FOOTBALL. SO TO MY FANS, IT'S BEEN AN HONOR TO BE YOUR GUY
THAT
BEEN AN HONOR TO BE YOUR GUY THAT YOU CAN COUNT ON TO GET
THE
THAT YOU CAN COUNT ON TO GET THE TEAM DOWN THE FIELD AND
SOMEHOW
THE TEAM DOWN THE FIELD AND SOMEHOW PULL OFF A LAST-MINUTE
MIRACLE
SOMEHOW PULL OFF A LAST-MINUTE MIRACLE VICTORY, WHAT'S CALLED
IN
MIRACLE VICTORY, WHAT'S CALLED IN FOOTBALL A TOM BRADY. AND TO
ALL
IN FOOTBALL A TOM BRADY. AND TO ALL THE REST OF YOU WHO HAVE
BEEN
ALL THE REST OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME FOR
20
BEEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME FOR 20 FUCKING YEARS. I'VE GOT ON
BEEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME FOR 20 FUCKING YEARS. I'VE GOT ONE
THING
20 FUCKING YEARS. I'VE GOT ONE THING TO SAY. LOSE MY NUMBER.
FUCK
THING TO SAY. LOSE MY NUMBER. FUCK THEM ALL, BABY!
[
[ CHEERING
GET ON
GET ON YOUR FUCKING FEET ONE
TIME
GET ON YOUR FUCKING FEET ONE TIME FOR THE GOAT HIMSELF! TOM
BRADY!
TIME FOR THE GOAT HIMSELF! TOM BRADY! NOW TOM, ONE SECOND. ONE
SECOND.
BRADY! NOW TOM, ONE SECOND. ONE SECOND. ONE QUICK SECOND. ALL
RIGHT,
SECOND. ONE QUICK SECOND. ALL RIGHT, TOM, THIS IS A ME THING.
I'M
RIGHT, TOM, THIS IS A ME THING. I'M LIKE ALL RIGHT, IF I'M
GOING
I'M LIKE ALL RIGHT, IF I'M GOING TO DO IT, WELL TOM HAS TO
LEAVE
GOING TO DO IT, WELL TOM HAS TO LEAVE WITH SOMETHING TO MATCH
THE
LEAVE WITH SOMETHING TO MATCH THE ENERGY OF THE SUCCESS HE'S
HAD
THE ENERGY OF THE SUCCESS HE'S HAD ALONG THE YEARS. SO TOM, WE
DECIDED
HAD ALONG THE YEARS. SO TOM, WE DECIDED TO DO WAS ADD ANOTHER
RING.
DECIDED TO DO WAS ADD ANOTHER RING. GODDAMNIT, TOM, YOU
DESERVE
RING. GODDAMNIT, TOM, YOU DESERVE ANOTHER FUCKING RING.
BUT
DESERVE ANOTHER FUCKING RING. BUT A RING FITTED FOR A GOAT
LIKE
BUT A RING FITTED FOR A GOAT LIKE YOURSELF. PUT IT ON.
OH,
LIKE YOURSELF. PUT IT ON. OH, I LOVE THAT.
THAT'S
OH, I LOVE THAT. THAT'S RIGHT, PUT IT ON.
LADIES
THAT'S RIGHT, PUT IT ON. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT'S
TOM
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT'S TOM FUCKING BRADY, AND THIS IS
A
TOM FUCKING BRADY, AND THIS IS A LIVE EVENT ON NETFLIX, AND
YOU
A LIVE EVENT ON NETFLIX, AND YOU ARE LIVE. THANK YOU ALL FO
A LIVE EVENT ON NETFLIX, AND YOU ARE LIVE. THANK YOU ALL FOR
WATCHING.
YOU ARE LIVE. THANK YOU ALL FOR WATCHING. THANK YOU ALL FOR
SUPPORTING.
WATCHING. THANK YOU ALL FOR SUPPORTING. MORE IMPORTANTLY,
THANK
SUPPORTING. MORE IMPORTANTLY, THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING. I LOVE
YOU
THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. GOOD NIGHT.