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(80s music)
(explosion)
- [Narrator] Meet Mark Valentine.
The number one homicide detective in all Los Angeles.
Who thinks he's still in 1985.
And he is just a little crazy.
(phone rings)
[Narrator] No, he is not bushy.
- Captain.
- Mark!
Where the hell are you?
[Captain] We need you now.
There's a 10 71 in progress.
- Oh shit.
- Get your ass here now!
- I'll be there asap.
Chikitito, I gotta go.
You are the man of the house now.
Don't hump my girlfriend.
Okay.
Hey, I got to go.
Talk to you soon, OK.
(festive music)
Hello Hello Hello.
(high energy music)
(door opening)
(door closing)
Hey baby. How are you? I missed you so much.
Okay, duty calls. Let's go.
(engine starts)
(engine revving)
(80s music)
- Hey.
Hey. I'm here.
- Finally you're here. What took you so long?
- People are being shot and you're eating grapes.
Are you serious?
- I didn't have time to eat my breakfast.
We need to go in. No, I'm I'm, I'm gonna go in. Shut up.
- [Captain] You can't go in.
- Why not. I'm a cop!
- You've lost your damn mind.
- Move.
- What the hell's wrong with him?
- We are gonna get killed.
- Yes, we are.
(tense music)
- How are you amigo?
Are you ready for some action?
Me too.
- [Captain] Who are you talking to?
- aah... Nobody.
Okay. Let's go.
(door squeaking)
(80s music)
(gunshot)
- LAPD. Are you okay?
- Please help me. I've been shot.
- We're gonna get you out of here. Okay?
- Thank you. You're my hero.
- Good boy.
- I hate you. All of you!
Get up.
I see you're still alive you immigrant pig.
- Why are you doing this?
- I'm coming from Texas to clean the city up
from people just like you.
- Hey, hey, hey. Drop it.
Let the poor bastard go.
(soft music)
[Mark] Don't do it.
(gunshots)
(bullet casing hitting the floor)
(grunting)
(drums)
- Come on.
(screaming)
(thud)
You are next!
(thud)
- Welcome to California Cabron.
(70s music)
- [Narrator] Meet Murphy Jackson.
The number one narcotics detective in Los Angeles.
Smooth.
- Words on the street is you got the best of the best
and I can get 50 kilos of it?
(paper falling)
- Whatever you want amigo.
I got it.
- Normally don't trust a man with wrinkled pants,
but I like your perm.
- Open it up.
[Tony] Is it all there?
- Yes is here.
If you like fucking fake money.
- Fake money. What?
What the fuck?
Is this a fucking joke, huh?
You want to die today Huh? Cabron!
Kill this piece of shit.
(thud)
- Nope, nope, nope.
Put your gun down. I'll shoot that perm off of your head.
Drop the gun, huh? Turn around.
Get yourself a damn iron.
- [Tony] This guy is pretty funny, huh?
He thinks he is Will Smith.
(dramatic music)
(clanging)
- The big boss is coming.
Can you dig it!
- [Big Boss] Dios mio.
Mark Valentine and Murphy Jackson.
Those two maniac cops are driving me crazy.
If it's no Mark Valentine, it's Murphy Jackson.
If it's not Mark, it's Murphy. Not Murphy, not Mark.
Murphy. Mark.
[Big Boss] We have to do something about this.
Those two little ratones, they're costing me millions.
They're the biggest headache.
- They're the best in the city
and we need to do something about it.
- [Lynn] We don't want them to get in
the way of the big plan. Sir.
- Do it.
Use your imagination.
(rock music)
- You know? You are so beautiful
like your mother and strong like your father.
- Thank you.
When I grow up, I want to be just like my Dad.
- Yeah.
(engine reviving)
- [Agent Suffering] We are here for the girl.
We don't want to
Hurt you.
- Don't do that.
(action music)
- Come here.
(grunting)
Come over here.
Get in there!
(soft music)
- Hey Mark.
You've seen the captain.
- What? No, not yet. But you know, I don't want to see him.
I'm sure he's in the restroom watching porn.
But look, I want to show you this picture.
I need some likes.
- Likes?
- Yeah, likes. That's what I mean. Come on.
I need a lot of likes.
- What are you doing?
[Captain] Are you looking at your fan page again?
Well, the five likes that you have.
When I was your age, the only thing a fan was for
was blowing cold air up your ass.
And that's what these people are doing.
Now look, your new partner's coming.
- You know, I don't need a partner. I work alone.
- Oh no. I don't want you working alone.
This is a very important case.
And I need the two of you together.
Alright, here comes your partner.
(sexy music)
- [Mark] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe having a partner
is not such a bad idea. Capi.
- No, no, no, no. She's not your partner. It's him.
The fresh prince.
(record scratch)
(70s music)
- [Mark] This guy. - [Captain] This guy. Yeah.
- Thank you for breaking my heart. Capi.
- Hey, you guys know each other?
Now you know each other.
I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna do.
You're gonna be partners. Hello? Say something.
You like being a partner.
(crickets)
- Yes. I never had a partner before.
- [Captain] And he never had a partner before.
In the power invested in me.
From that little sign that's on my desk that says, captain.
You guys are now man and partner.
You understand?
[Captain] Now, come into my office.
I'm gonna tell you exactly what you're gonna do.
- If we're gonna work together.
We might have, we'll start to.
- Let's go.
- You gonna leave me hanging?
- Gentlemen, I'm gonna be brief.
My daughter's been kidnapped and I've picked you two.
Because you guys are the best in your department.
You're the big kahunas, the big pie.
You guys are gonna go find her.
Now actually, I don't like either one of you.
(record scratching)
- Captain, you're hurting my feelings.
- [Captain] I don't care about your feelings.
I care about my daughter.
Now, you guys go out and find her.
- Yes, Sir.
We will. Don't.
- Worry.
- Oh, how cute. They finish each other's sentences.
Just like a married couple. Get the fuck outta my office.
- Hey, don't do that, man.
- And you are the one who did that.
- Shit.
(soft music)
- Oh, the mayor.
- Sir. She wants to talk to you about your daughter.
- Oh my God. I know what happened to your daughter.
Sorry.
And you!
Detective Murphy!
Great job.
(video game beep)
- Thank you Mayor.
- And you. I will deal with your crap later.
(out of tune drum)
- Madam Mayor, come into my office.
- Hey, where you going? You're coming with me.
- You're not my boss.
- I'm the man here. Okay.
Let me tell you something about this department.
We have the crazy Asian partners.
- We heard what you did.
- We have the sexy partners.
- What are you looking at?
- The gay partners.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Who is this sexy piece of man?
- Well, well. Now I like what I see here. Who are they?
- Oh, I was dating the blonde girl. Okay.
- She dated you?
- of course!
But, now she's dating this muscular thing.
- Okay.
She went the other way.
- Yeah, all the way.
- Hello.
- Hey!
How are you?
- What are you working on?
- We're working on a very top secret mission.
but I cannot tell you anything.
- Oh, really?
- Who's this?
(ahem, ahem)
- The name is
Detective Murphy Jackson.
His temporary new partner.
- Nice to meet you. Good luck working
with this crazy annoying man.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I, okay, relax.
Hey, are we getting together tonight?
- Maybe. I will think about it.
- Okay.
- Leave her alone!
And you too!
- Jesus Christ.
(trumpet)
- Hey, como estas?
Do you know anything about the
Captain's daughter Kidnapping?
- [Jack] Yeah, a very powerful drug lord. Kidnapped her.
If you find the informant, you will find him.
I can give you a photo and a map.
Hey man, I know who you can be, so good luck.
I know he's an ass sometimes.
Well, most of the time, really. But
- Thank you.
- [Jack] Good luck.
(80s music)
- This food is delicious. Try it.
- No thanks.
- Come on man, you know that tacos are
the best food in the world.
Guaranteed.
You can Google it.
- Listen, what we need to do is focus on
how to find this guy.
I mean, this city is so big. How are we gonna find him?
- Don't worry man. We'll find him. Trust me.
- Jesus Christ.
Take it easy on the tacos amigo.
[Murphy] Oh my God.
- [Mark] What?
- [Murphy] That's him.
- Who?
- The - The guy in the picture. That's him.
[Murphy] Damn.
- Holy chickenshit crap.
It's our lucky day, man.
- Excuse me, sir.
I want to ask you a few questions.
Suspect on the run. Suspect on the run.
- Hey, get in the car. Get in the car. Come on, let's go.
Let's take the car.
Man.
The renegade is dead. This is heavy.
- I knew it. This piece of shit is gonna ruin the case.
(grunting)
- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh, it worked in the movie, right?
Let's go on foot.
(video game beeps)
(80s music)
- [Man] I just paid for them!
- [Mark] LAPD, LAPD
- [Murphy] We have some change.
- We don't have time, we don't have time!
Come on, let's go Murphy.
- Let's go.
- Shit man.
Too fast.
Wait for me.
- Go! Go!
- He's getting away.
Now. What are we gonna do?
- Damn it!
- Shit.
- Hey, are you Jose?
- What?
- I'm your Uber driver.
- Cool.
- Follow that white car.
- I'm sorry. I don't just take
you wherever you tell me to go.
You gotta put the address in like everybody else.
I'm not a taxi.
- Come on.
Do you take lead? Go!
- What the Fuck!
- LAPD. Let's go.
- [Sean] What the fuck is going on here. What is this?
- I'm Detective Valentine. This is my helper Murphy.
- Helper! I'm your damn partner.
- [Mark] Hey, relax man.
You need to buy me a drink first
and then we'll see what happens.
Hey, right here. Stop!
Wait for us here. Okay?
- Hell no. I'm leaving dude.
- Okay, leave. But don't expect a good review from us.
- Screw you guys. You give me one star. I don't care.
- [Murphy] I'll give you half a star!
and I'm will write a complaint.
(rock music)
- [Ricky] Hey, you're finally here.
A little late, but it's okay.
We're gonna have some fun.
- Sir. We need to find a man
that is in this house. It's urgent.
- Relax my chocolate man.
I know you want to have fun with the man.
- Hey what the hell are you talking about?
Don't you see our big guns?
- I see the packages you got Latin lover.
I see them well.
You mean, you're not the porn
actors for our porn movie
In and out double meat please?
- What are you talking about? We are not.
- You need to get out of our way and let us work.
- [Criminal] Oh my God!
(Wilhelm scream)
(video game beeps)
- Let's go.
Don't move.
We need to save him. Come on.
- How?
- go, go, go.
Hold my gun.
- Oh, shoot.
Damn it.
- Come on man. Go. Go.
- Okay.
You know what?
Why don't you go?
- no, come on.
Come on man. Help me.
- Come on.
- Oh, damn it.
- Heavy!
Come on.
(grunting)
- Oh shoot.
- I think he's dead.
- Why did you have to kill him?
- He was shooting at us.
- Shoot him in the leg. I shot him in the leg.
Why didn't you shoot him in the leg?
- Well, I didn't shoot to his leg.
(funny sound)
- You know what? I'm getting tired of you
and your non-professional, childish behavior.
It's like all you're good for is eating tacos.
- What?
- Find yourself another partner!
- Hell out here.
(trumpet)
- Okay. Wait. We have time.
- [Mark] How are you? My two favorite senior citizens.
- Well, look who is here.
- [Mark] I'm here!
Hey Dad, I brought you that.
- That, that's fine. That's fine.
- Mom, I love you.
I brought you this kisses.
- Oh, kisses.
- Kisses.
So we were doing good until you showed up.
- Stop it. LOL. We are doing very well.
You know how your father is kidding.
- [Mark] Yeah, I know. That's why he love this
little white cotton head.
Because he loves to give me a hard time.
But he really loves me.
- I do?
- [Mark] Hmm. Well I hope.
- Why are you sad?
- Because, I just had a fight with my partner.
- That's because nobody likes you.
- That's what he said.
- It's a him?
- [Mark] Yeah.
- Are you gay?
- I mean, my police job partner.
The fresh prince of L.A.
- You're always screwing up anyway.
- Do you know that's not good for your heart.
- You are not good for my heart.
And you brought this to me, anyway.
- I gotta go because I have a new very important mission.
- Mission. What is it?
- Sorry mom. If I tell you I will have to shoot you
and then I won't go to heaven.
- You're going to shoot your mother.
Well, if I go to heaven
and I see you there, I'd be very surprised.
- Oh, stop it.
Of course he's going to heaven.
He's a cop. They're the good guys.
- Ugh. Don't even get me started on that one.
- Gotta go. Okay. Love you. Bye-Bye.
- Love you.
What is up with you?
Of course he's gonna go to heaven
and you'd be happy to see him there if you make it there.
- Well, we'll see. But, I kid with him
because I love him so much.
You know that.
- I do.
- You know that darling.
- right?
- I love him.
Mm.
- Little white cotton head.
- Oh, he's such an idiot though.
- No. Oh my God. It's our son.
- Don't remind me.
- Oh
(rock music)
- Howdy partner. How you doing amigo?
- Don't touch me. I'm not your partner.
- Yes you are. For better
or worse till death do us part.
Here, I brought you this. Eat it.
- I'm not hungry.
- Chilax. Amigo.
- [Detective Andrade] Valentine, Jackson.
Let's go. Captain wants to see you.
- What did you do now?
- What did I do?
I didn't do nothing.
[Murphy] Right now we're about to see Captain. Get serious
- Ladies first.
- [Detective Andrade] Go.
- Listen guys, the map that you gave us, was right on.
It was very accurate.
So you guys need to go back out there.
If you need swat, you need any kind
of support, you let me know.
Why are you dressed like idiots?
This isn't the fucking disco tech.
And what are you, are you like auditioning for
Miami Vice Makeover?
- Lemme tell you something.
This is how detectives dress in Europe right now.
You don't know anything.
- No, but I do know one thing.
We are in Los Angeles. Now get out
and make sure that you're wearing badges
because they might shoot you.
Go, go, go.
- [Mark] Yes sir.
- These two guys, I don't know
how they're gonna do it, but they better find her.
'cause I have to deal with an ex-wife.
(drums)
(rock music)
♪ Yeah ♪
(tense music)
- Shit.
- Drop the gun.
Start walking.
- Fuck!
Mierda!
- Fucking.
- All your fault.
- Man, your fault.
[Mark] What are you doing here?
(grunting)
[Mark] Fucking asshole.
- Who do you think set up the ambush?
- [Mark] You son of a bitch! I thought you were dead.
- [Agent Suffering] Well, well, well,
The dynamic duo is here.
The brownie and the chocolate.
- How did you know we were coming?
- Oh, let me give you an advice. Amigo.
Don't trust your girlfriend's girlfriend.
- I know she doesn't like me, man.
- Nobody likes you.
- Shut up!
- Now, you are going to go to the police heaven.
(grunting)
(out of ammo)
- Gimme five man! Let's go!
(video game beep)
Yeah, amigo back. Let's go.
- [Murphy] Give me my gun you broke bootleg wrestler.
(Wilhelm scream)
- Shit, lets go.
(gun loading)
- Interruptions, interruptions. Interruptions.
Yes!
Oh!
Pray, tell.
Who the hell are you?
- I'm Detective Valentine,
and this is my partner Murphy Jackson.
- You're under arrest!
- You got all the way up here
by yourselves, boys.
My people, my boys were not good enough to stop you.
Stupid.
Actually, to get to me.
There's one final little challenge.
Just one little challenge. Meet my little friend.
- I'm going to break you.
- Okay man, I will take care of him. You look tired.
- Yeah. Yeah. You take care of that.
- [Murphy] What do we need this for?
- Okay, buddy.
Fuck!
On a second thought.
Help me!
- [video game character] Finish him!
(trash talking)
- [Video game Character] Impressive!.
- Where's the girl?
- I am not going to give you the girl
until you pay me.
Bring the girl please.
Here she is.
- The entire LA police department is on its way.
What are you going to do about it?
- I'm going to kill you.
I am a very busy man, and I actually have another job.
- What is your first job?
- Well, my first job is a bit of a secret,
and I'm not gonna tell you.
- I hate you!
You traitor.
- I love you too, Papi.
- [Mark] Whatever.
You and us right now.
- [Professor Malevolent] Let me take the Versace off.
- You go first.
- Let's go boys.
(grunting)
(trash talking)
(video game beep)
- Okay. You!
Release the girl.
- In your dreams.
- Do it now!
- [Detective Romanov] I'll see you again.
(rock music)
- [Murphy] Hear those footsteps?
- They are here for you!
Arrest her, arrest her right now!
- [Detective Romanov] You will pay for it!
- You did it. I know
I could count on you. You're the best.
- I know.
- Thank you for rescuing me. I was so scared.
- Your dad will be here any minute.
Let's go
(sad music)
- You are alive!
You saved the Captain's Daughter.
- Yeah, I did.
- You saved us from the crime.
- Yeah. I did.
Like always.
hey, hey, hey,
relax Murphy!
Hey you!
- You so you didn't die.
- No, I didn't.
- [Murphy] She betrayed our whole department.
Damn.
Arrest her!
- Turn around.
- Let's go.
(Team of two song)
- Get off of me!
- Hey, what's wrong with you, man?
We almost died together today.
- Yeah. And you almost got killed
by a karate midget and a girl.
- You're fucking right man.
- Well, maybe you wasn't a bad partner after all.
But I can't work with you again.
- Why not?
- See my partner gotta know how to hoop.
My partner's gotta know how to ball.
You know what I'm saying? You got no skills.
- How do you know that? You know they call me the
Mexican Michael Jordan.
- Oh, okay. Mexican Michael Jordan. Bring it on.
- Let's go right now.
- Let's do it.
- Let's go. Don't push me.
- Don't push me!
- I'm going to dunk on you.
- I'm gonna teach you.
- Watch me. I'm gonna dunk on your head.
- [Mark] Yeah, whatever.
♪ Yeah ♪
(80s music)
- I thought you was gonna stay home crying.
Can't believe you made it.
- Come on, man.
Just because you're black doesn't mean
you're better player than me.
- Maybe.
- You know Mexicans can jump too.
Lemme show you something.
- What you got.
What you, what you got? Huh?
- [Murphy] Oh, dirty Mexican.
- [Trump impression] You sound like President Trump.
Terrific. You're fired!
I'm gonna dunk so hard on you
that your dog is gonna die. Man.
- I don't even have a dog.
- This is a Magic Johnson move.
(screaming)
(cellphone ringing)
Ah. Wait, wait.
(video game beep)
Detective Valentine. Okay!
- What happened?
- Crap.
Where are the keys? Let's go.
(rock music)
- Just put it at 88 miles per hour,
so we can make it in time.
- Okay. Yeah. I like that.
Okay. Let's go!
- What the hell is that?
- Hey, this is a low budget movie, man.
What do you expect?
(police siren)
- [Narrator] It looks like this is the end
of this fun adventure.
Would we see them again?
(phone ringing)
- Detective Valentine.
- Mark.
This is Captain Johnson from LAPD headquarters.
- What's going on?
- Captain Dupree and his daughter have disappeared.
His place was a mess, has blood everywhere,
so he just assumed he's dead.
(cigar falling)
Murphy's missing too.
We found his abandoned car on the street with it's gun,
and badge, but no sign of him.
- Murphy.
- Many more from your department are
also nowhere to be found.
It's a bad day for the precinct pal.
(gasping)
(tense music)
(dreaming harp)
- Oh, nobody likes you.
- Shut up.
Wish me luck, Michael.
(soft music)
(high energy music)
- Good job guys.
Good job.
(cellphone ringing)
Yes!
- Mark.
We need to meet as soon as possible to figure out
what the hell is going on.
Take some action. Alright?
- Yeah, I'll be there.
(gasping)
I guess I'm a team of one now.
(soft music)
(door opening)
Hey girl.
- Hello Detective.
- I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
I'm sure you heard what is going on with the captain
and everything else, and you know
you're very important to me, right?
- I think you are fake and you don't mean
any of that. Why don't you leave?
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Mark!
(whoosh)
- Yeah.
- You are important to me too.
- Yes! Do you want to go and get a drink? Something to eat?
Maybe shoot a bad guy.
- No right now I don't feel like shooting anybody.
But call me this week and I will have my gun ready.
- We are gonna have a date. Okay. Just you and me, girl.
- Bye.
(rock music)
- You two look alike. What? Are you related?
- Come on. No way.
- No.
- Captain.
- Thank you all for coming. I know it's been a tough time.
But we need to keep at to get the bad guys.
Now, some of you may not know yet,
but I'm the new Captain in this department.
(speaking portuguese)
- What happened to Captain Dupree?
- You don't want to know. We know he
knew all about the plan.
That's why his daughter was kidnapped and he was killed.
It's because he knew too much.
- Yeah. This is too dangerous now.
- Hey, has anybody seen my gun?
- Yeah, I think I saw it right over there.
- Oh, here it is. Nobody puts my baby in the corner.
- Who knows who might be next?
- Well, maybe you or you.
- What do we need to do?
- According to our sources, the man responsible
for all this mess is big boss tango.
This is him. Now we need to find him and stop him.
Before we are all history. This is the man.
As I was saying.
- [Officer Hernandez] Captain. What if they kill us?
- He is a police officer.
It's his job to know
that he can be killed in any moment of any day
in a heartbeat. It comes with the territory.
Am I right, detective?
- Alright. We're gonna have to start
by finding big boss's right hand man.
Tony. See what he knows.
But first we should pay a little visit to Carlos.
Maybe he can lead us to him.
- I want to introduce Detective Silver and Detective Kapani.
They're new here. You work on it.
You bring him to me. Okay.
- Okay, Sir. We're on it.
- Oh, by the way, I didn't tell you guys,
you're partners now.
- Thank you, captain. We won't let you down.
- [Captain Johnson] I want the two of you to
investigate the leather man case.
(speaking portuguese)
- No, not you.
You?
- The Mayor is coming.
The Mayor.
(trumpet)
- [Captain Johnson] Oh, Madam Mayor.
Such a pleasure.
- How are you? I'm very happy to be here with you.
And I want to ask you if you are going to vote
for me, for Governor.
Are you going to vote for me for governor?
- Of course!
- Yes!
- Don't forget it, please. Thank you. Thank you.
Your next Governor is the Queen Solecito Vazquez.
- Bravo. Bravo.
(phone ringing)
- Mark Valentine!
- Here!
- You have a visitation.
- Really? Okay. Thank you.
You! What the hell are you doing here?
- There's something you need to know.
- Are you getting a divorce again?
- Well, actually I'm moving to Holland
with my new boyfriend.
- Wow. That's so important. I'll try not to cry.
- Just one more little thing.
- What is it now?
- You have a son!
(funny trumpet)
(dramatic music)
- What?
Are you fucking kidding me?
- I'm serious. I got pregnant.
I did not know what to do and I decided not to tell you.
Because I hated you.
Because you are an asshole!
- Maybe I was a little bit. Where the hell is he now?
- That's him.
- No way. Him.
We had a moment the other day, like a very special moment.
I feel, I feel something, but, but why he's black?
(funny trumpet)
- Not him. Big dummy. Rico.
- Rico.
- Rico, come here.
- Hey mom, what are you doing here?
- Nothing.
- Did you know Detective Valentine is the coolest detective
in this department.
- Really? Anyway, I got to go.
- Okay, mom, I'll see you when I get back.
- Maybe, maybe not.
(phone ringing)
- Hey sport. How are you?
(phone ringing)
Somebody's calling me. I gotta go. I gotta go.
(news music)
- We have several videos
of a mysterious man involved in multiple crises.
We don't know who he is.
but he always seems to be wearing a black leather jacket.
People on the internet call him the leather man.
[News Anchor] The police want to interrogate him.
If you have any information about this man,
please call your local police department.
- Who the hell is that fool?
- I don't know who he is,
but he better don't mess up with us.
- Hey, you!
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, ladies and gentlemen...
for coming to this important meeting.
As you know, very soon there's going
to be a big plan.
We're going to be rich, very rich.
- What is that all about?
- Yes. We don't know all the details.
- Have you ever heard about creating a
problem and knowing the solution?
- Nope.
- It's the same thing the
governments do, but this time we are doing it to them.
- We are creating a virus.
That we can spread all around the world.
We creating a pandemonic.
And primero, we have the vaccine.
Segundo, we just sit back...
and charge the governments of the world.
Billions of dollars.
- That sounds so amazing, but it sounds complicated.
- [Doctor Agnar] Not at all. Not at all.
In this little suitcase, we have enough virus
to spread all over the city and in a few weeks, the entire
world!
- Get to work!
- [Mark] Hello, Hello, Hello. I'm here!
- Look who is here.
- Hey, great to see you. I love you.
- We love you too.
And we thank you for coming to visit us.
- Yeah. We're always so happy to see you, honey.
Okay, so I, I made enchiladas and spaghetti and bologna.
You are Mexican, Italian. You must not forget your roots.
- Speaking of bologna, I have something
very important to tell you.
I have a son who is an adult who's a detective,
and now we work together.
[Mark] What's new with you?
- Oh, that is baloney.
- What are you talking about? Why didn't you tell us?
- Well,
I didn't know. It's not my fault.
- Not your fault. You put your pipi in her vagini.
- [Mark] I've done that many times.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna have kids because I do that.
Hello!
- Oh.
- Well. How did you find out?
- [Mark] Well, his mother just showed up at work
and told me.
- And what are you going to do about it, bad father?
- I don't know.
- We are going to invite him here
and we will get to know him.
- I'll bring him soon. Maybe. I don't know.
(latin music)
- They are going to celebrate it.
- Dad, now you!
- No, no, no. No. I can't.
I can't dance. I can't dance.
- You know how to dance. You taught me everything.
(latin music)
- I love you, son.
- Okay, I gotta go. Okay.
- Bye son. Yeah.
- Love you. Love you.
- Bye adios. We love you.
- Pronto. And I mean it.
- Hey, Captain.
- Mark.
(phone ringing)
- How you doing?
- Mark. We're looking for a new partner for you.
I know you like working alone,
but this mission is very important
and you'll need all the help you can possibly get.
- You got it.
- You're gonna start tomorrow.
How do you feel about that?
- There will never be anyone like Murphy.
- You're right about that pal.
- He was the best.
- Irreplaceable.
- Okay, gotta go. Good to see you. I'll see you soon.
(80s music)
- Hello.
I am Detective Drummond. Nice to meet you.
- Are you senor Santana?
- Yes, I am.
- Santos my new partner.
(speaking portuguese)
- We're gonna wait here.
- First,
You get the money man.
(speaking portuguese)
- And then?
- We arrest that sucker.
- Say hello to my delicious friend.
(speaking portuguese)
- And then?
- We go home.
- And then?
- Then you get the power.
(speaking portuguese)
(snoring)
- Come on, man.
Fuck. We're cops. We don't do that shit in public.
(speaking portuguese)
- Never mind. Thank you.
(tense music)
- Let's get him.
(speaking portuguese)
(grunting)
- [Mark] You're fired.
(speaking portuguese)
- Fuck you, man.
- Wait for me, Valentine.
- Forget it, man.
- Who do I trust? Me!
(moaning)
- Oh shit.
- I wonder if that was supposed to be my amazing
and wonderful partner, detective Mark Valentine.
(80s music)
- [Detective Uft] Pss pss!
Well, hello Valentine.
Today is your lucky day. You know why?
- Why today is my lucky day?
- Because I'm here.
I'm your new partner, baby.
- Okay, get in the car.
Okay, baby. Let's hope you are the
right partner for me, okay?
- Hey, take it easy.
Slow down. You're going way too fast. Marky Mark.
I'm not that easy. We'll see how it goes.
But I am ready for action if you know what I mean.
- Well, actually, I don't know what you mean.
- Oh, are you telling me you built a police car
out of a DeLorean?
- Well, actually I didn't tell you anything, but yeah.
- This isn't as fun.
As when I used to be babysitter.
- Hey, there you go. That's why you look familiar.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Hey, you're that guy.
- No, I am detective Uft.
- Hi. Uft.
- Uft. Good.
Perfect.
- What kind of name is Uft?
- Oh, it's beautiful name.
- Are you ready?
- Yes. Are you ready?
- I'm always ready.
- Okay.
We wait.
(drums)
- Look. That's him.
- He is very sexy.
- Let's go.
(80s music)
[Mark] Let's go! Run like the wind!
(80s music)
- [Girl] What are you doing, let go!
He took the bag!
Go, do something.
- [Mark] I'll go this way.
- [Uft] Okay, I go that way.
- [Girl] Do something. Ah!
Oh my God.
- Eeee-yah! I got you Motherfucker.
Do you think that you could get away with this,
this bitch? This detective.
- What are you doing?
- Working these cuffs.
- Uftie. Look what I got us for breakfast.
- Great. Look. I got the son of a bitch who took
that nice lady's purse.
- Uft. That's the wrong guy.
Hey, this is yours.
- Thank you so much handsome, you're my hero.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Leave me alone.
- Oh no, dude. That's the wrong guy.
You are so stupid.
- Yeah, man. You got the wrong guy.
- [Man] Yeah. Let me go.
- Let me go.
- You shut up. Uft Let him go.
- I, I'm sorry. You look the same.
(groaning)
- And what's with that life jacket?
- Shut your hole, man. Let's go.
- [Girl] Good job, guys. Can I get a selfie?
- Okay, fast.
Let's go.
- [Robber] Let me go.
- [Mark] Shut up!
- I don't know what is wrong with you.
You had five partners in one day,
and they're either dead, retired, resigned, fired,
or in the freaking hospital.
- They were just not my type. You know?
- What am I gonna do with you, man?
- I want the boy.
- What boy?
- Rico. The guy with the long hair.
- [Captain Johnson] Rico?
Why?
He doesn't have any experience.
He will get killed by a hard wind.
- I'll protect him and I will train him.
- What, do you think you're Mr. Miyagi or something?
Whatever. It's your choice, but just do me a favor.
Don't get the bastard killed.
- I will try.
- Good.
Rico!.
Hey little buddy.
I got some bad news for you.
You are Detective Valentine's new partner.
- What? Yeah. Really? Mark's partner. This is amazing.
Thank you, Captain.
- OK, OK, take it easy.
- This is gonna be exciting.
- Get the hell outta here.
(trumpet)
(laughter)
- So, tomorrow at seven, just you. Yeah, but this sucks.
Don't bring your boyfriends.
(cleaning throat)
- Mr. Carlos, LAPD.
We need to ask you a few questions. Hey ladies.
- Ladies, we need you to help us find this person.
- Hey, that's Tony. I know him, if you know what I mean.
- Wait a second. You're gonna have to catch me.
- God dammit.
- Shit.
- Is he a criminal? I thought he was a doctor.
- He told me he was a lawyer.
(speaking french)
(hillbilly music)
(Wilhelm scream)
(hillbilly music)
- [Detective Silver] Shit!
Latino looking fucking Fabio.
Why'd you start running you piece of shit?
- Let's take this bitch in.
- [Detective Silver] Fucking asshole.
(soft music)
- Tell us what the plan is and where the big boss is.
- I don't know where the big boss is, but if
you wanna know, you can ask Tony.
He know where he is and where you can find him.
- How's it goin dudes?
- hello hello!
- [Detective Silver] He's telling us some crazy story
about some virus or something like that.
- What? Maybe he doesn't know anything.
- Yeah, well listen to him and tell us what you think.
- The big boss is planning to spread this kind of virus.
And he will get millions of people sick,
and then it will be a pandemic.
And then they will sell the vaccine for billions of dollars.
It's just all about money!
- You see?
- Come on, man. This is madness.
- Last pandemic we had was over hundred years ago man.
- That's impossible. Come on man. Tell us the truth.
- If you don't believe me, fuck you then.
- Come on man.
I don't believe that shit. How about you?
- I guess anything can happen.
- We'll take him to take us to Tony. Let's go Keanu.
- Okay. Antonio Banderas.
- Here.
Put this on you. Look homeless, pathetic, and disgusting.
(80s music)
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- We don't care.
- Okay.
(engine starts)
- Let's go.
(car beeping)
Okay. Carlos, tell us
where we can find Tony.
- Tony.
I told you he owns a club on Wilshire Boulevard.
- You think he's there right now?
- Possibly. I'll take you there.
- Dudes, I have bad news and good news.
- What's the bad news?
- I'm the mayor of hungry town right now.
If I don't need anything,
the Hulk is gonna come out and that's not pretty.
And I know the right place where we can go.
- What's the good news?
- Well, the good news is...
we're already here.
Hey, get me a veggie burger and a soda.
- You think this shit is healthy?
- Hey dude, my buddy my choice. You want anything?
- Nah, nah. I'm good. You want anything Carlos?
- No, man, I rather get shot.
I don't eat that shit.
- Whatever.
- Okay, gimme money.
- Oh, sure. No problem, son.
- What did you just say?
- I said, sure no problem, son of a bitch. I'm so hungry.
Can you get me the money in the glove compartment.
Today!
(pill bottle shaking)
- What's this?
- Huh What?
- Biakra?
(trumpet)
- I don't know. Not mine.
(laughing)
Hey.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- You're gonna break it.
- Not my car, right?
(soft music)
- Ay Güey! Where's the food?
(funny sound)
- Dude.
Where's the guy?
- He was here a minute ago.
- Why did you leave him alone?
- Because I wanted to tell you about the jalapeno.
- Why did you call me or text me?
- Because I was checking my fan pagebook face on Facebook,
besides, I locked the fucking doors.
This is radical.
- Come on man.
- You want some? Take one.
Hey, by the way.
Why you talk like Keanu Reeves?
- This is how I talk.
- Okay, Neo.
- That is the most not excellent.
- Whatever. Bill and Ted.
- Shut up. Mark.
- Hey, take a chill pill, dude.
- [Rico] Fuck you!
- Whatever.
(door squeaking)
- Hey girl. Do you know that the time has arrived?
- Yes. Let's go have some fun.
- Yeah, let's go.
(happy music)
Oh, you are so sweet.
- I just hate seeing things go to waste.
- I had such a great day with you today. Thank you.
- Do you really mean it?
- I do.
You are very important to me. You wanna come inside?
- Well, actually I'm on duty right now,
but I will soon, if you know what I mean.
(happy music)
- He is amazing.
- Rico, tell us about yourself.
Mark says that you work together.
- Ah, yes ma'am.
I love what I do and I've always wanted to work
for the police, just as my father was a police officer.
- Oh, I see, your father. Is he still a police officer?
- I don't know. I've never met him
and my mother never liked to talk about him.
- Well, I heard that Mark has something to tell us.
- You heard?
- Tell us what you wanted to tell us.
- I humm... Have you seen the
movie Star Wars?
(light sable)
- Of course I have.
- [Mark] Okay.
- Remember the scene where Darth Vader is gonna kill Luke?
(light sable)
- The one in return of the Jedi episode six.
- No. Is the one, the one there in the Death Star.
Then Darth is gonna kill Luke,
and then he cut his hand and everything.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's episode five Return. The Empire Strikes back.
- Remember the scene where Darth tells Luke
that he's his father?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm your father.
- Yes. I remember that line.
It was an epic and important line in the saga.
- Yeah, but I'm your father.
- Yes. The, the line from the movie.
- No, I'm your father!
- Yes. Just like the movie.
- Okay. Remember?
- Okay, stop. Already. You two are so much alike.
What he's saying to you is
that he is your father in real life.
- What?
- What you father, what, what Mark is trying to say to you,
is that he is your father, your actual father.
Yeah. In real life. Like he said.
- Is, is this true?
- Yes, son. It's true.
- Now, look what you did.
- What?
I didn't do anything.
- Yes, you did. You put your pipi in her vagini!
- Shouldn't he go get him.
- Go be a good father. Go.
Come on.
- Go, keep your food for later.
- But, I'm hungry.
- Oh my God.
- We can't move him in here.
There's, we just got rid of that stupid cat.
- Don't call that cat stupid.
[Margaret Valentine] Go get him.
That's your job. Okay, go get him.
- Okay, mom.
- Shall we dance?
(trumpet)
(sighing)
(cellphone vibrating)
- Rico, this is your, you know who.
- How can I help you?
- Son?
Sorry, I just don't know what to say.
- I would like an explanation why you left me.
- I didn't leave you. I didn't know about you.
But you know, we'll talk later.
Right now we need to go on train.
So I'll pick you up and we'll talk, okay?
- Okay. Fine.
(video game beep)
- What a bitch.
(tense music)
- Okay. Stop guessing. I'm just telling you.
Why do you need to guess?
I can't wait to talk to you. Stop guessing.
(screaming)
What is happening?
- Where is Mark?
- My kid.
Screw you. I wouldn't tell you, a big fucking gun.
- Ugh.
- [Marc Valentine Sr.] Hey!
Who the fuck are you?
And what you are doing in my house?
- [Agent Suffering] Where's Mark?
- Tell us where he is.
We're gonna kill you and the old lady too.
- Oh, okay. Okay, alright. Take it easy. Take it easy.
I will tell you who you need to know.
Take it easy.
- Ah, tell your stupid son,
to stay away from our business,
or we will return.
- Stupid... there's someone.
Don't kiss me. Bitch!
Sweet heart. Oh, okay. Hold on.
- They got me. Those fucking Russians.
- Oh my God.
Help!
Here, I'm gonna get it. Call 9 1 1. I hope works.
(rock music)
♪ I wanna taste the pain ♪
♪ I think I'm seeing all red ♪
♪ Two bullets in the gun, one shot to the head ♪
♪ I need a blank space ♪
♪ 'Cause everything is a threat ♪
♪ But I never backed down, ♪ man. I'd rather be dead
♪ I'm making love to face ♪
♪ You look better in now walk this life ♪
♪ till I take my last breath ♪
♪ I wanna make a change, I got one life ♪
♪ So I'm gonna go death swing it. ♪
♪ Don't you forget, everything ♪
(punching bag)
- Wait! Tell me three names of eighties movies right now.
- God!
Frozen, Lion King, Princess and the Frog?
♪ I want taste the pain ♪
♪ I think I'm seeing all red, two bullets in the gun ♪
- Are we're going talk now?
Hey,
are we going to talk now?
- What?
- Oh, Jesus.
♪ Till I take my last breath ♪
♪ I wanna make a change, I got blown like that ♪
♪ So, I'm going to go down swinging, don't you forget ♪
♪ I've gotta find a new purpose ♪
♪ Something actually worth it ♪
♪ I wanna look in the mirror and like what I see ♪
♪ I wanna taste the pain ♪
♪ I think I'm seeing all red ♪
♪ Two bullets in the gun, one shot to the head ♪
♪ I need a blank space ♪
♪ I need, but I never backed down, man ♪
♪ I'd rather be dead. I love to she look... ♪
- Are we going to talk now?
Are we going to talk now? Are we going?
What a fucking bitch!
- Tell me three eighties movies names right now.
- Blood Sport, ET, Back to the future.
(video game beep)
(cellphone ringing)
- Mark!
- Hello Mama. How are you?
- They shot him.
- Who?
But why? What the hell happened?
- Your father, they came here and he tried to stop them,
and they just shot him.
And they said it was about you.
You have to stay away from them.
- I'll find those son of bitches and make them pay.
- No, no.
- Fuck!
- Mark. No.
(instrumental music)
- What the hell are we doing here?
- They told us that the leather man was seen here.
I guess we wait.
- Okay. Whatever.
(woman screaming)
- What the hell was that?
(woman screaming)
- Shit! Let's go.
- Somebody help!
- [Leather Man] Hey, hey, hey!
Let her go, or else!
- What problem you have got?
(action music)
(blades)
(triumph music)
- The hell are you, man?
- I'm the Leather Man!
- It's the leather man!
- I'm going to make you as ugly as a fried nugget.
Wait, wait.
You already look ugly enough.
- Wait.
I got two beautiful kids, man. Relax. Calmado cabron.
- I'll make sure you don't have anymore.
- Mis huevos!
- You are welcome!
- What was that? Move!
(woman screaming)
I'm going to kill you, fucker.
(bullets bounce back)
Fuck.
(out of bullets)
(thud)
- It's OK, no problem. Trust me.
I'm one of the good guys.
You can go home now.
- Thank you so much. You saved my life.
- You are welcome.
(rock music)
- What's happening?
- Relax man.
And we still need to go and catch the bad guy. Remember?
Besides, we know where Tony is now, let's go.
- Okay, let's go.
Where's the DeLorean?
- DeLorean?
Dude, why drive a DeLorean?
If we can drive a freaking Lamborghini. Look at that.
- No way.
(engine revving)
But, isn't this the captain's Lambo?
- Yeah, but who cares man.
You know why?
- Why?
- Because we're just gonna borrow it for a little bit.
Hop in Johnny Utah.
- OK, Ricky Ricardo.
(video game beep)
(engine revving)
- Let’s go.
(80s music)
- [Rico] Housekeeping!
- We're looking for Tony.
- [Rico] Hey, there he is.
- Hey, wait a minute. You can't come in here.
You don't look like a cop.
You look like a teenager. Get back.
- Touch him again and I'll break your hand.
- I said get back.
- Whoa, whoa,
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, Detective, come join your party.
Come on.
(club music)
- How you doing?
- Hey, handsome, dance with me.
- Sure.
- You!
You said you would call.
Why didn't you?
- This is Mark?
- Ewww!
- Hey girl. Sorry, I'm kind of busy right now,
but I'll call you later. Okay?
- My name is Kim.
You ugly, yucky, dirty clown.
- Forget about him.
- Are you okay man, that was mental!
- Hey! It looks like Kim doesn't like you.
(laughter)
- Get my girlfriend's name out of your fucking mouth!
- I'm not your girlfriend, asshole.
- Come on Kim.
- You wish.
- Why did you do that?
- You know man, love will make you do crazy things.
- Let's go.
- Tony!
- Hey!
- LAPD.
We're here to ask you a few questions.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- I suppose. You want to ask me about the virus, right?
- Where can we find the big boss?
- Cement factory down the street.
Okay.
- That shit easy man.
Let's go.
- Hey, wait!
There's one more thing.
They are gonna release the virus today, so you don't have
that much time, amigo.
(laughter)
- We'll come back for you later.
(club music)
- You two bitches are not gonna leave
this fucking place in one piece.
- We're gonna rain on you detective.
- What you think man?
Feel like working out?
- I don't know. There's too many of them.
Okay, fine. Let's do it.
- You don't want guns?
No guns. No guns, no badges.
- [Man] No badges.
(clapping)
(slow motion scream)
- Excuse the interruption.
But due to time constraints, we're unable to show you
that amazing fight scene.
So let's get back to the rest of the movie.
- Oh my God. I thought We were gonna die.
- Not today, son.
Thank you. Let's get the hell outta here.
- Oh my God. Did you guys see that?
That was the best fight ever!
[Girls] So hot. So hot, so hot.
- We need the whole department to come with us.
- No, no, no, no. We don't have time. We don't have time.
We need to do it now.
- Lemme call him.
Listen, Captain, this is Rico.
- Where the hell are you? Are you with Mark?
Where is that son of bitch?
I need to talk to him.
- Listen Cap, we know where the virus is.
Mark will text you the address
and we'll see you all there as soon as possible.
We need all the force you could bring.
- Are you crazy?
Wait for us. Don't screw this up.
- Yes, we don't have time, but we'll see you all there.
- Let's go!
- Man.
(hanging phone)
(paper notepad falling)
- Okay, Magnum, let's go.
- Son. Are you sure you want to do this?
This is gonna be very dangerous.
- Let's fucking do it, dad.
I've always wanted to be like you.
And now's my opportunity to be like you and to be with you.
- That's my son. I'm proud of you.
Come here. Let's fucking do it.
- Let's do it.
(video game beep)
- This is special, for when the fat lady sings.
- That is so nineties. Dude.
- You are so nineties.
- Of course I was born from the nineties.
- Yuck.
(80s music)
(dramatic music)
- Listen up. We have the most important
mission of our lives.
- Okay, we're ready. Where should we go?
- Well, Marco and Rico are gonna text us the address, so...
We wait.
(out of tune drum)
(phone ringing)
(trumpet)
(western music)
- Where is the car?
- Where is the car, dude?
- Where is the car?
- Where is the car, dude?
- Dude, where is the car?
- Where is the car, dude?
- Dude.
Where's the car?
- Did I park it here?
- Yeah.
I think so.
Dude. Where's the car?
- Okay, enough already. This is not funny anymore.
Fuck.
- Did somebody steal the car?
- No way!
Son of a bitch!
Ah, sorry son. Not you.
Well, I have good news and bad news for you.
- What's the bad news?
- Look, we don't have a fucking car.
- Oh!
What's the good news?
- We have badges and we have guns and...
we're lucky.
Get in the car little fella.
(80s music)
- Take us to 2116 Vermont Avenue Pronto.
- No. What the hell is going on here?
You need to use the app to request for service.
- LAPD. Let's go.
- Hey, I know you.
You're the crazy cop who kidnapped my cousin last month.
- I am?
- Nah. How do you know that?
- You're all over the internet.
- Really?
(laughter)
That's not me, dude.
- Well, guess what? We're going to kidnap you now!
- What the hell happened to you
guys in the police department?
You do not have cars? Or what the fuck?
- The truth is, we couldn't rent the DeLorean
for one more day,
because of the budget.
Well, that's not important. Go!
(gunshot)
Hey, be careful, Mark!
- Oops, my bad. Sorry.
- Who's gonna pay for that?
- What?
That's not important right now. You know why?
- Why?
- Because you're gonna help us.
You're gonna be a cop for a day!
- What are you doing?
- Relax. We need help. Trust me.
Keep going.
Right here.
(laughter)
- What? a drive through.
- Hey, you're not hungry? Come on man.
(soft music)
- I hate my job.
- These are good. I told you guys.
- It's okay.
- How far are we driver?
Oh, sorry Detective.
- We're almost there.
(tense music)
- Let's go.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Did you text the address to the captain?
- What? I thought you were gonna do it, man.
- Oh no. I said you were gonna do it.
- Okay, do it then.
- Okay.
- Did you do it already?
- Oh, I'm doing it right now.
- I got it! I got it!
- [Detectives] Yeah!
- [Captain Johnson] Everybody, let's go.
(screams)
- Wait, gimme that. You are ready for this gun.
You don't need this anymore. You're ready for this one.
You're a man now.
You ready?
- Ready.
- Let's go, son.
- Hey assholes. What about me? I thought we were partners.
- Hey man. Are you ready? This is your gun.
This is your badge.
- The fuck is this? Are you kidding me?
- Let's go.
(rock music)
- [Rico] This shit just got real.
- I'll be damned.
Detective Mark Valentine.
Detective, I've been waiting for you for a long time.
You are late!
What is your excuse?
- The car was stolen.
- Yes. I can attest that as they kidnapped me,
because they never seemed to have a car.
- If you're here to stop my plan, you'll have to go
through us, through us.
(laughter)
Look to get to the boss. You need this. You need this key.
(sighing)
I'm tired of this girls. Let's get rid of this clown team.
I pay a lot of money to these people.
- Girls.
- You want to fight us or you a chicken?
- Nobody calls me a chicken.
- My name is Ramona.
You killed my father, prepare to die.
- What the hell is she talking about?
- [Mark] The fuck I know!
- You want a piece of me? I'll break your legs right now.
- [Professor Malevolent] That's what I'm talking about
- [Lilly] Girls, let's kick this ugly man ass.
- Let's get them.
- Wow.
Not in the face.
(grunting)
(whoosh)
(grunting)
(screaming)
- Bitch!
(screaming)
(whoosh)
- [Ramona] Asshole!
(primal scream)
(whoosh)
(primal scream)
(grunting)
(screaming)
(laughing)
(screaming)
- Ahhh!
(police radio)
- [Mark] You look like shit, man.
- Guys, it's been fun, but I really gotta get back to work.
My bills aren't gonna pay themselves.
- Thank you for your help, man.
- Alright.
- You did great.
- Anytime. Anytime.
- Look, keep this, thanks for the adventure man amigo.
(tense music)
- Help is here.
- Yes, son.
- What did you leave us?
- Just buddies.
- What about the others?
- Stuck in traffic.
- Valentine. Let's see how tough you are. Valentine.
(drum roll)
- [Referee] Ready.
Go! Bend off. Go!
Ready!
(whoosh)
- Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh!
(whoosh)
(drums)
[Referee] Ready? Fight!
(whoosh)
- [Mark] Eeee-yah!
(video game beep)
- Point Valentine!
(tense music)
- Fight!
(grunting)
- [Rico] Okay.
(whoosh)
(video game beep)
(screams)
(video game beep)
- [Mark] Yeah!
- [Rico] You can do it. Yeah.
- [Professor Malevolent] My nose! See, it's broken.
(groaning and moaning)
Oh, hey, he broke my nose.
- Sweep the leg.
- But you are the referee.
- Sweep the leg!
- Okay.
(drum roll)
- Ready? Fight!
(whoosh)
(screaming)
(tense music)
(grunting)
- [Professor Malevolent] Throw the towel bitch.
- Can you go on?
- I'm okay.
- [Maxine] Good job Mark!
- I'm gonna get you this time Valentine.
I'm gonna get you. Let's go!
- [Rico] You are the best Mark.
- What's he doing referee?
Come on Valentine!
Let's fight. Turn around.
Fight like a man Valentine. What's the matter with you?
- Ready?
Fight!
- I'm gonna get you Valentine!
- Finish him!
(drum roll)
- [Referee] Ready? Fight!
(tense music)
- Did you see that? What did you put in my mouth?
What'd you put in my mouth? Bastard.
- I heard you got erectile problems. Sorry.
I'm just trying to help you buddy. With your pipi.
- I'm feeling funny. There's something moving down here.
- Oh crap.
- I feel a little faint. I feel a little faint.
(cymbal and funny sound)
(tense drum)
(whoosh)
- My dick. You motherfucker. My dick!
- [Mark] Yeah!
(triumph music)
- The winner!
Valentine!
- Yeah motherfucker!
Yeah!
In your face!
(screaming)
- You win!
- Yeah!
(triumph music)
- [Mark] OK, let's go.
(explosion)
(tense music)
(laughter)
- Well, well, Well.
If he's not the great detective, Mark Valentine,
and his useless son.
This little case is going
to change the world.
and this person, this is patient zero.
Just a great hero.
- Well, we think the virus is already all over.
Is the racism, bullying, discrimination, all the crime.
- And you know there is not a vaccine for that shit.
- [Big Boss] Bestia, bestia, not yet.
(laughter)
- What? You think you're some kind of beast master
of something? please.
(mumbling)
- Guess who?
- Murphy! You are alive.
- Oh, I'm more than alive.
- Yeah!
- So good to see you too.
Turn around.
- What the fuck are you doing Murphy?
(guns cocking)
- [Murphy] Oh, I'm doing the right thing.
(laughter)
- Well, you know.
Sometimes doing the right thing,
for the right price, is the right choice.
(spitting)
- You betrayed your best partner for money.
Your filthy animal.
- Mark. It ain't just about money.
I dislike your ass too.
- Shut up! Get this son of a bitch.
(speaking chinese)
- Come many closer and this person will suffer.
- [Lynn] You three.
Gimme your guns.
(dramatic music)
- I think I'll finish this now.
- So what going to do?
You going to save your girlfriend? Your son? Yourself?
Maybe thousands of people.
Maybe you will shoot your partner. It's very difficult.
- No. Fuck!
- It's impossible.
- My head is boiling. What the fuck?
(drums)
- I think we have a classical standoff right here.
(drums)
- No, we have a Mexican standoff.
- Everybody get the fuck down!
(screaming)
- [Rico] Mark, are you okay?
- [Detective Chang] Mark. Are you okay?
You okay?
- I think I'm just gonna lose my arm.
But I don't have time to bleed.
(dramatic music)
(gunshot)
- Say your prayers!
- No! Die motherfucker!
- Shoot him! Shoot him!
(grunting)
(gunshot)
(Wilhelm scream)
(scream)
- Aww Ow!
- I hate you motherfucker.
- Me?
(virus case hitting the floor)
(dramatic music)
(sighing)
- Rico. Rico son. Are you okay?
- [Rico] I'm fine.
- [Mark] Tell me you're fine.
- I'm fine. I'm not going to the dark side yet.
- Okay.
- Literally.
- Get up!
- Damn you cop.
You're not gonna ruin our plan.
- Don't do it.
- I'm not gonna allow that to happen.
(grunting)
- [Chang] Are you okay?
- [Maxine] Oh my God.
(out of ammo)
- Hey, the party's here.
- No, Bella, you don't want to do that.
No one else has to be killed.
(thud)
Except you.
(moaning)
(soft music)
- God. Mark, - Come on.
We need you.
Please don't leave us!
- I'm fully injured.
I'll see you all in the next life.
You! Don't date anybody, okay?
- No. Please don't die.
We love you please. Mark.
(whoosh)
(heavenly music)
(whoosh)
(heavenly music)
- Hello. My name is Angel.
And welcome to your welcome to Heaven Party.
- What?
- Listen very carefully.
This is not a dream, you are
in heaven!
- No, no, no. You guys made a mistake. Call your manager.
I want to talk to your manager.
- That's impossible.
God does not make mistakes.
- No fucking way. Dad.
Michael?
- Oh!
Elvis, I'm a huge fan of you. I love you very much.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
- Join us and party for the eternity.
(singing)
- No, no, no. I can't. I cannot be here.
I'm in the middle of something very important
right now.
- You are welcome to go back.
- So, you are telling me I can choose what to do?
- Yes. We give this option to all people who come to heaven.
- Cool. Is that God's idea?
- Darling
Everything ever is God's idea.
- Hey George. I've always loved your
song Careless Whisper.
Is that a personal story?
- Of course, my friend. I do with Faith! Faith! Faith!
Woo!
- Do you have alcohol in heaven?
What else do you have here?
- Of course, all the good stuff.
That's why most people decide to stay.
- No way, how come?
- They didn't wanna to go back to their
jobs and stressful lives
and traffic, viruses, wars, and crime.
So they just decide to stay here and party for the eternity.
Also, God can answer all the questions you ever have.
Like, who killed your favorite celebrity?
Or is it okay to eat meat?
Or if the elections were rigged,
or if heaven is flat, earth is flat,
or answers to any conspiracy theories you believe in or not.
- Well, it doesn't sound that bad after all.
- Just one little thing. Angel.
If you cross this line, you would never be able to go back
to the living area.
So make the right decision.
- Ah God. What should I do?
- [God] Do, what your heart tells you!
(heavenly music)
- Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go back to earth.
You know, there's still a lot of things I need to do.
- Okay? Either way, we'll be waiting
for you when you'll be back.
They're not going anywhere.
- Okay. Excellent. See you later OK.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Do you know when I'm gonna be back here?
- Ah, we'll see you next week.
- Okay? What? What did you say?
- Joking.
- You better be joking. Not funny.
(dramatic music)
- Where do you think you're going? Motherfucker.
- Please don't curse in Heaven.
- You, you're a piece of shit.
What the fuck are you doing here?
- I was asking the same thing.
- You know what? I'm out of here.
- No, you're not going anywhere.
You're staying here forever.
- Son of bitch.
- No guns in heaven.
- It ain't gonna work here.
Punch him!
- Please not fighting in Heaven.
- Punch him.
Punch his ass!
You ain't going nowhere!
- Do something!
- I don't know what to do. I'm an accountant.
(dramatic music)
- No, I cannot believe we're fighting in heaven. Man.
- Shat up and go to hell!
- You go to hell! I'm staying here in heaven. No.
- Hey, let my son go!
- No way old man.
- I said let him go.
(drums)
- You better listen grandpa! Old man.
(soft music)
(laughter)
- Thank you Papa.
- Now you can go.
- No, I want to stay here with you.
- No, it's not your time. Go, do good for people.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure. Take care of mama and Chikitito!
- Okay, I'll do that.
You know I love you and I'll be back here.
I don't know when. Hopefully not soon,
but for sure I'll be here.
- I love you.
- Wow.
- Go and do this for me too.
- I will. Take care.
- You too.
- Hey, we'll keep the party going for you. Huh?
- Please do. Okay.
- [God] Be good Mark!
- I will. God, thank you for everything.
(gasping)
- Oh my! You are back!
Oh my gosh. You're alive. You're alive. You're alive.
- I'm back baby. Never give up.
You didn't date anybody, right?
- No. I'll always love you.
- Did you see God Mark?
- Did you see Michael Jackson?
- I'll tell you later. Thank you. God.
(soft music)
(police siren)
(soft music)
- Mark. Mark. Hey, wake up. Mark, wake up.
Hey. Hey. Wake up. Wake up.
- Hey, what the!
- How are you dad?
- Where am I?
- They brought you to a hospital buddy!
- A hospital?
What is it?
- A big building with patients.
But that's not important right now.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Detective Chang. We work together. Remember?
- I don't know you.
- We brought you something that'll make you feel better.
Surprise!
- [Dancer] Surprise!
(techno music)
(music stops)
(music continues)
- [The Mayor] Oh!
- What is this?
What's going on here?
- I don't know.
- I see you feeling better.
- Oh, we know that today
is your birthday.
Wow. Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
- Look, we have the whole police department here.
(sneezing)
- Are you okay?
- I thought I caught a
virus or something from a
patient next door.
(sneezing)
- Yes sure.
I bet he wears a mustache and his name is Big Boss Tango.
- How did you know that detective?
- [Mark] What?
No way. I need to arrest him.
- He disappeared earlier today.
- Oh shit.
- Jesus.
- No way. This can't be happening.
- Hey, let's take a picture.
(triumph music)
(camera shutter)
(rock music)
- [audience person] Hey, we want to know what happened
with the real actors for the porn movie.
You know, in and out double meat, please.
(record scratching)
- [Narrator] Excuse me. What kind of a question is that?
- [audience person] Come on.
We really want to know what happened.
- [Narrator] Very well.
Only because all you perverts want to know.
- Keep sucking that up. Yeah.
like there's no tomorrow.
- We're are Looking for a bad man.
- You gotta be kidding me, again?
- We're the gay actors for the gay movie.
- Wonderful.
Here, put this on.
- You got it.
And I'll see you in a little bit.
Okay?
Okay. Okay.
- I am Professor Malevolence.
Actually, you can call me Malevolence Dick.
- Here.
Put this Vaseline on.
Start losing it up and I'll see you in a little bit.
Get the camera ready.
- What?
(80s music)
(laughter)
- With my badge!
(laughter)
- Cut!
(Wilhelm scream)
(thud)
- 'cause I was checking my fan page book face.
(laughter)
- Fuck!
- Mark you alive. I love you. You didn't say any I love you!
- She doesn't love you!
(laughter)
- Besides I close the locked the fucking doors.
(laughter)
(soft music)
- Are you OK Chikitito? Are you okay?
(cat purring)
Stupid pandemic.
(80s music)