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(upbeat marching music)
(fire crackling)
It was the Dark Ages.
And in the land of Britain, there lived a mighty queen,
adored by all her subjects.
Most of them.
Some of them.
Oh, just meet her. You'll understand.
- My Queen, enemy force... - Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!
How am I coming out?
My portrait. And give me the truth, unvarnished.
Don't think to flatter me, Leofwine.
Maybe the Queen should judge for herself.
(dramatic music)
Well done! (artist sighs deeply)
I'll not have your fingers hacked off today.
Thank you, my Queen (laughs).
- Now, how goes the war? - Ah.
Oh yes, the war.
Angered by Dagan's harsh reign,
the peasants had risen against her.
(fire crackling) From amongst the common folk,
a rebel champion rose, (ethereal music)
a woodcutter named Humble Joan,
and Joan had something the queen did not:
a secret of great might called flame-powder.
(cannons firing) (armies fighting)
But Dagan had a plan to crush the rebellion.
(cannon blasts)
The forest archers, the river clans,
the spearmen of the fens.
We... we muster them here. (explosion outside)
Are you listening?
We muster them here and they shall smash our enemies.
I- I don't know why you didn't think of this before.
My Queen, we can move the pieces on the map all we like.
It will not conjure them here.
The spearmen of the fens are fallen.
Well, let them get up again, the lazy tykes.
Humph!
I thought you were going to say they were dead.
Oh. (paper rustles)
The river clans are cleft in bits.
The forest archers turned and... fight for Humble Joan.
(large explosion) (building crumbling)
I know the illness which gnaws at your innards.
MAN: Ow, my fucking leg!
It's not Humble Joan, no.
- MAN: Where's it gone?! - It's fear.
So, let us lift our spirits with a - with a banquet!
(jaunty party music) (more explosions)
(soldiers roaring)
She tramples on the lions,
She tramples on her foes,
raises burdensome taxes on their howling widows.
Dainty, soft, soft.
Shut up!
Come.
What's this yellow stuff?
No, let me guess.
Tumery. Turmer -
- Meric. - Turmer...
BOTH: Turmeric. - You please me.
Bring me these eggs in all the banquets to come.
Yes, my Queen.
All eggs. Right.
(explosion)
(cannon ball whizzes, explodes)
(banqueters gasp) (pieces of the castle fall)
Humble Joan can't stop us from enjoying this, can she?
(men screaming in agony)
I am more than your queen, am I not?
I'm- I'm your friend.
(men laugh nervously) (explosion outside)
A toast, to friendship.
(big explosion)
SOLDIER: Fall back!
(helmets, swords clanging)
(marching music)
(trumpet sounds) (soldiers cheering)
The wall is breached.
(sighs)
Oh, dear.
(swords clanging)
Fighting in the passages.
(soldiers screaming)
Screams of the dying.
Yes, dying peasants, though, don't we think?
SOLDIER: Footsteps coming closer.
(ominous music) (squelch)
(blood dripping)
(sword zings)
They're at the door.
(soldier thumps) (dramatic music)
(loud crash) (people screaming)
(soldiers roaring)
(tense music)
Humble Joan.
Merely Joan.
I seek no fame, no titles.
Only justice.
Urgh.
As do I.
(gasps) (dramatic music)
Leofwine!
During any change of government,
some element of continuity is advisable.
No!
I am still the queen!
Thanes, I command you to seize them!
Is she serious?
Thanes, you are citizens of the new commonwealth.
Be free.
(treacherous music)
Thank you, Humble Joan, you heal our land.
You heal yourselves.
What?
Wolf Tail...
(groans) (sword clangs)
My father's blade. (grunts)
Humble Joan, I challenge you to single combat.
The victor wins the realm.
(giggling)
Duelling?
Oh. A sad habit of the wealthy.
We have no need for it now.
There are a dozen tongues in this hall.
More than one shall speak of the time
Humble Joan was afraid.
(axe swishes)
(dramatic music) If I can fell the tallest oak,
I can cut down a little queen.
Argh! (sword whooshes)
(Joan laughs)
(grunting) (weapons clang)
Oh!
Such pretty nails and such a soft foot.
You've lived as a queen.
Time to die as one.
Many people cry for their mothers at a time like this.
YOUNG DAGAN: Mum! No!
Not I! Argh!
Oh, a fighting queen at last!
Did I touch a nerve?
(frightened breathing)
(sword clangs)
See how the coward runs.
(door opens)
Now, bring her back. (men shouting)
Well, look at you.
(upbeat music) (people shouting)
(screams)
(chain rattles, clangs) (spiked ball hits helmet)
(banging of metal on metal)
SOLDIER: She went this way!
Oh, excuse me, corpse chap.
LEOFWINE: Dagan!
Oooh, D-D-D-D-D Dagan!
Boo! (panicked breathing)
My new master will be pleased.
(hitting sound) (screams)
(high tempo music)
This way, my Queen.
Oh. Oh, titting balls.
I've never gone this way before.
They're staff stairs, come on!
I remember you now.
You're one of the servants and you're called Turmeric.
- That's the spice. - Yes, I knew that.
(agonised scream from upstairs) (blade swishes)
Dishand me! A commoner may not touch a queen!
(head bouncing on stairs) Urgh!
- Why are we going up? - I know of a privy chute.
- A what? - A privy chute.
It's narrow, but steep and moist.
We'll slide fast.
Moist is a word for it, I can think of others.
(up tempo music)
At least consider it, my Queen.
Do you think to trick me and push me down?
(screams) (splash, plop)
(grunting)
That wasn't so bad, was it?
(wretches) (splashes in mud)
The Queen requires a shoe!
You look perfect. Now, run! (high tempo music)
SOLDIER: Find Dagan!
WOMAN: Find the queen!
Where are we going? And what's your name again?
Shulmay.
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay.
- We'll swim downstream. - We turn back.
Huh?
(fabric rips)
Quick, they're coming. In here.
(dog panting)
(dog growls)
SOLDIER: Hang on, what's this?
The Queen's colour.
She took to water.
She reckons we'll lose the scent.
Follow the river, boys!
The Queen had outwitted the rebels and escaped.
Maybe Shulmay helped a bit too.
But with her citadel taken, what would Dagan do now?
(owl hooting)
When I was a girl, I would watch my father punish traitors.
He would cleave off their arms.
And shove them up their arses.
- That's nice. - Hmm.
And then he would cleave off their arses
and shove those up whatever remained.
People didn't always get their own arses.
Arses were swapped about.
Now, Leofwine,
she will have all of this and more
when I take back the citadel tomorrow.
And do you have soldiers for that, Your Majesty?
You're making the queen feel bad.
Your throne is lost.
(scoffs)
But it can be yours again.
You may continue.
For weeks, I feared Leofwine was playing both sides,
that there were letters she didn't show you.
Earlier in the fog of war, she left one on the table.
(treacherous music)
'To Chancellor Leofwine,
from King Ivarr of Jutland and King Guthrum of the Frisians.'
These are my cousins!
My cousins across the sea!
'By Fingerstone Rock -' (paper rustles)
Well, I had a moment, no more.
I could only take the first page.
Then we'll never know the rest!
I'm finished!
Strangle me.
But gently.
It said Ivarr and Guthrum
will give you sanctuary in their lands.
Then they'll muster armies and longships
all for you to take back what's yours.
Then I'm saved!
But what does 'by Fingerstone Rock' mean?
Fingerstone is a crag on the coast.
It marks the shortest passage to their lands.
Well, that's where we're going!
How far is Fingerstone Rock from here?
A hundred and forty miles.
One hundred and forty miles?
One hundred and - (upbeat marching music)
And so began their great journey, to Fingerstone Rock,
to the kings, to salvation.
(mud squishes) (Shulmay sighs)
Shulmay, your servant's shoe is not very watertight.
Add that to your things to fix list.
My Queen, you are conspicuous
with your red gown and your gold crown.
Just - - Hey!
My father's crown shall not be removed.
- If it's seen - - Well, then cover it.
Find me a nice hat.
Yep.
You're probably wondering why I'm helping you (laughs).
Why this servant who... could've slipped away hasn't.
Not especially, no. It's your job.
And, hey, stop walking before your Queen!
What is the world coming to?
(treacherous music)
Keep up, though!
We have no time for slackers.
Yeah. (marching music continues)
On they walked, with happy smiles and swelling hearts.
Until...
(sighs)
This is my morning song I sing,
in summer, winter, and in spring.
It's made from air that I breathe in,
(inhales)
and push it out my mouth again.
Some say the tune and words are wrong,
but it is not their fucking song.
When he leaves for work,
we'll search his hut for clothes and food.
Why wait?
This man is a loyal subject.
Look, any army would have him,
and yet he has not joined the rebels.
No purple flower.
- We cannot know who his loyal... - Greetings, peasant!
- Great. - I am your Queen, Queen Dagan,
and we noticed you do not wear the mauve bloom.
- Oh, it must've fallen off. - Oh!
- An enemy! - No, no, no.
I just like purple flowers.
Noticed, er, lots of people marching about wearing 'em.
Is it fashion?
No, it is not fashion, it is revolution.
Oh... well, been nice to meet you.
Your Queen needs clothes and food.
Please help us.
Alright, well, I'll see what I've got.
My name is Bobik.
- Okay. - Right.
Come in.
(dramatic music)
Here's where she took to water.
No sign of her yet. (Joan sighs)
There. Footprints.
Dagan lay here, and not alone.
Someone's helping her.
Someone clever. - But we thought -
Ha, what they made you think.
Keep searching the river. - Yes, Joan.
I'll go east.
I know Dagan's weaknesses.
She'll not hide long from me.
Thank you, Citizen Leofwine.
Take the soldiers and get to it.
Excuse me. Affairs of the state (chuckles).
(paper unfolds)
Off you go. Bring me Dagan's head.
There's a poppet.
So, we'll walk to Fingerstone Rock,
and then we'll sail a boat across the sea
to find new soldiers for the queen. (chuckles)
Splish, splash, splosh.
I've heard of the sea.
It's like a puddle, but much, much wider.
And it's salty, like when you lick your own armpit.
(laughs) How far is this walk of yours?
A hundred and thirty miles from here.
(whistles)
You're gonna need a horse.
They all died. In the great horse plague.
- A dragon, then. - Yeah, they're not real.
(laughs) Fuck off.
- Do you have any money? - Uh-uh.
Food?
Well, just these crusts you're eating.
And a lump.
A lump of what?
Lamb?
Or cheese? (sniffs)
The man I get it off never tells me.
What's your trade, Bobik?
I'm a shit spader.
I spade the shit.
Not a job that needs a long explanation.
No, there... there's more to it than most think, you know.
There are... countless different kinds of shit.
And no two spades the same.
You have your basic cow shit.
Um, you've got your runny shit,
you've got your compacted shit, crumbly shit,
glistening shit, young shit, old shit, frozen shit,
grassy shit, muddy shit, waxy shit.
You even have shit with bones in it.
- We understand. - Mouldy shit, mossy shit,
stringy shit, sandy shit, leafy shit, mystery shit.
Fizzy shit.
You get tasty shit too. - (gags)
Where are you going?
You have sacks.
Yeah, full of shit.
And they clothe you.
My Queen, we need disguises.
We can wear sack cloth and carry powerful spades
and pose as honest shovelers on our trek.
And it was at that moment Queen Dagan awoke
from her hideous nightmare.
(sighs)
This trek, I'll come with you.
No. No, Bobik.
It's bad enough having to walk next to a servant.
But you, I don't mean to offend you here,
but you are the lowest variety of human.
But if I come with you, you can make me a thane.
That's the second highest title.
BOBIK: Well, what's the highest?
- An earl. - Good, then I'll be an earl.
I like the shit and I...take a great deal of pride
in my spading of it, but...
I've always fancied being, um, one of those rich fellas.
Bobik is strong, and has skills we don't.
(laughs nervously)
SHULMAY: He could prove handy.
Alright.
Bobik, you may journey with us,
and when I'm restored to my throne,
I shall give you that earldom.
Yes! Thank you.
(giggles)
I'll never make an earl of Bobik.
(giggles)
Or you, or any lowborn.
But I don't think we need to tell him that now.
It can be our little secret.
(jaunty music)
(fabric ripping)
Yeah. (dramatic flute music)
And so, the two became three.
Queen Dagan, Shulmay, and Bobik,
names to echo down the ages.
As long as they didn't get caught.
You walk like a queen, my Queen.
You should walk like a Bobik.
There.
Oh, and I'll speak peasant too.
Once, I spoke peasant all day,
and it really did make the thanes chuckle.
(clears her throat)
'Shall I milk your herd for you, kind Sir?'
Okay, so when we meet someone, I'll do the talking.
- Will you now? - Yeah.
BOBIK: I'll talk too.
I know lots of words.
I know twenty words.
Shall we have a little practice, Bobik?
Okay, I'm a stranger.
Fine morning, fellow travellers.
Where are you going?
We are on a journey.
Shit spaders, I see.
I am, yeah. She's not, she's the queen.
We're off to meet some kings and - oh.
So, lies are required.
But lies are bad and wrong.
Let's just try this again.
Say, 'I am not Bobik.'
But I am Bobik.
Say it.
I am...n... not Bobik.
- And it's a great first go. - Pfft.
Okay, but don't puff your cheeks out,
'cause it gives the game away. So, again.
I am... not Bobik.
- Don't look up. - (groans)
I am... not Bobik.
Getting worse now.
A traveller do come.
MAN: Pots, pans, kettles, and cans.
(whistling) (pots and pans clanging)
Bobik, you're a lifelong mute.
Without words thou be.
None of that.
Your Majesty.
(cart squeaks and rumbles)
Pots and pans, kettles and cans.
Good day, Mr Ironmonger.
Beautiful smithing there.
- Thank you. - Yes, and that one is lovely.
Love them all. - Obliged.
Yeah. We've no money to buy them, though,
as we are not wealthy.
I suppose so.
You're three shit spaders, that much is plain.
It is very plain that's what we are.
Yes, all day, just shovelling away.
Oh, my poor back!
Sure you've got no coin, pal? (treacherous music)
Can't tempt you with this lovely little shit pan,
just for the small shits?
Er, he was born without speech.
As was she.
Heard the big news from up the citadel?
SHULMAY: We have not, Sir.
It's all over for Queen Dagan.
Humble Joan holds the realm now.
What do you make of that?
SHULMAY: What do you make of that?
Glorious.
Absolutely fantastic.
It's, it's so good.
They say Humble Joan has some sort of dust
that goes boom! (bang and clattering)
Went through them walls like piss through a snowdrift.
Good job and all.
Dagan was a right old cow. (laughs)
Well, let's not be too hard on her.
She was a cow, mate.
Like, if I were to compose a ranking list
of my favourite evil tyrants,
she'd never make top twenty.
Well, we've delayed you long enough.
Nailed on bottom five. Bottom two, even.
SHULMAY: We really must be going.
This way is east, isn't it? - Last place is either Dagan or-
hmm, Magnus the Flagellator? (laughing)
And Magnus did a lot more charity work
than people remember.
It's sort of overshadowed, you know?
By the flagellations.
Well, it's been a pleasure.
She's not the queen. (treacherous music)
He speaks!
Mute all his sad life,
and now, here on this moor,
he magics whole phrases.
She's not the queen.
And he doesn't even know what they mean.
Well, farewell, good sir, and good munging.
Oh, hey, if you're heading east, beware a certain forest.
(creepy music)
What forest?
I just told you, a certain one.
Okay...
(pots and pans clanging) (cart squeaking)
If he looks behind, we have something to fear.
(tense music)
(sighs) All is well.
BOBIK: It was a nice little shit pan, that.
(upbeat music)
I should be sitting at my desk
having a cheeky midweek wine.
You know I collect goblets? - Do ya?
People think I work all the time,
but I've got loads of interests.
Socialising, giving orders. Mmm...
We don't even know if they came this way.
Bloody runaway monarchs!
So annoying! (sticks clanging)
I know this pattern!
They're close, Max.
They're close.
SHULMAY: Darkness gathers.
We'll dwell the night here.
I can't remember when I wasn't walking.
How long has it been?
All day, all night, another day.
Oh, my toes, they look like boxers' eyelids!
I'm- I'm rancid. I'm rotting.
My royal body requires a palace to rest in.
- Here? - Yes.
Make a palace happen around me.
A good stone one.
Okay.
I can't sleep without my anthem, Shulmay.
Harsh as a lion, she tramples her foes,
raises burdensome taxes
on their howling widows,
Queen, Queen Dagan.
While Queen Dagan slept,
Humble Joan was working late at the citadel.
Ultimate super weapons don't make themselves, you know.
Easy does it.
(tense music)
Beautiful.
It's kings and queens who yearn for portraits.
Oh, but Joan, you're the greatest woman of the age.
Alright, if you must, but it doesn't matter to me.
(soft music)
How will you do my hair?
(footsteps approach) A message from Leofwine.
'I'm pursuing the tyrant Dagan eastward.
Though she's proved elusive so far,
I expect to capture her very tremendously soon.'
(banging) Dagan's alive.
While her heart beats, I cannot rest easy.
(shivering)
DAGAN: It's damn cold out there.
It's toasty in this palace.
If a little... heavy.
Would you like us to remove some stones, Your Majesty?
DAGAN: No, no, don't be ridiculous.
Then I'd be cold, like you. (yawns)
Night-night.
Shulmay.
Bobik.
I'm in this to be an earl.
And Dagan's in this to get her kingdom back.
What's in it for you?
When I was a girl, I found myself with no family,
nor any friends to keep me.
So, I banged my little fists on the citadel gates
and I begged for a job. (dramatic music)
They made me table servant to Ur-Nammu.
The old king, Dagan's dad.
One night I'm sent to fetch his dinner,
citadel's a warren, I get lost.
Ur-Nammu's dinner comes late, and it comes cold.
(clanging)
So, he gives an order to feed me to his wolves.
(wolf snarls)
That's not very good, is it?
His wife, Queen Fritha, bargained for my life.
She made me a servant in her chambers.
And for five years I stayed with her there.
(dramatic music)
Fritha always wore a charm around her neck.
When the illness took her, she gave it to me.
And she said -
(whispers) If that girl is ever in trouble,
(haunting music) please look after her.
Queen Fritha always wore this.
It's Dagan's first baby tooth.
Fritha saved me, and I couldn't save her.
So, I'll save her daughter,
whether her daughter likes it or not.
Dagan doesn't know about this?
She won't hear talk of her mother.
That's just how it is.
You're a good person, Shulmay.
You deserve good things to happen to you.
Yeah.
Ni-night.
(claps) (snorts)
- Come on! - What?
Sun's coming up.
Time to get moving.
One of us has to have some discipline around here.
Looks like it's me.
Off we pop!
(light music) (birds chirping)
This is my morning song I sing,
in summer, winter, and in spring.
It's made from air that I breathe in,
and then push out my mouth again.
Shulmay, I seek your advice.
Lowly you may be,
but you're what's here, so, you'll have to do.
Hmm. Such an honour.
King Ivarr, King Guthrum.
I'll marry one of them to bind the alliance and make an heir.
But which one? (dramatic music)
Guthrum's warriors could lay waste to whole shires,
but Ivarr's fleets could ravage hell itself.
Choices, choices.
They both sound delightful,
but would your mother want you marrying either?
What I mean to say is... - You said nothing.
And you will never speak of that nothing, ever.
Do you understand? (tense music)
Yes, my Queen.
(up tempo music)
And all the while, the traitor, Leofwine, pursued them.
Unrelenting, unstoppable,
like a machine, but with great hair.
Yeah.
Up there.
Three of 'em.
And... halt.
Dinner time. (sighs)
Ooh, hello lump.
Rip.
- Thank you. - Hmm.
- It's lamb. - It's cheese.
It's all we've got to eat for the next ninety miles.
(pig snorting)
Why just eat when we can feast?
(pig snorting)
Fine pork aplenty there.
More than enough to last us all the way.
And this is our bait.
Yeah, boars are nimble.
We'll need a bow to catch it.
I'm an incredible hunter.
(jaunty music)
My Queen, we used to hide in a ditch,
and release the animals as you came past.
Well, I still had to catch the things.
It's not as though you lamed them.
- Well... - Shh!
You'll startle our prey. (pig snorting)
(shouting) Surprise attack! (pig startles, squeals)
Yeah, maybe don't actually say, 'surprise attack'.
(upbeat music)
Here we go.
(pig snorts)
Good piggy.
(string snaps, twangs)
(pig snorts)
(stick breaks) (rock thumps)
(pig snorts happily)
(shouting) It's a bit fucking late now!
Ow!
He'll stay longer... if we leave the whole lump.
(upbeat music)
(pig snorts, snuffles)
(grass rustles)
She's gonna do it.
(thump)
(groans)
(pig snorts happily)
Urgh.
(sighs)
You're angry with me.
You know, if anyone's to blame here, Shulmay...
Really?
If anyone's to blame here, Shulmay...
it's me.
And it's my fault we've no food now.
And...?
And I'm... sorry.
An apology. Thank you.
Up we get.
No time for slackers, eh?
(soft music)
Shulmay, isn't it strange,
a few days ago I didn't even know your name,
or any servant's.
(uplifting flute music) And now here I am.
Here we are.
I did a table.
Tonight, we shall feast upon the rich flesh...
(table crashes)
(grass, leaves rustle)
LEOFWINE: Dagan's pretty crown.
This way.
DAGAN: Tell me about yourself, Bobik.
And I'll listen this time, I actually will.
I was born in a bin.
When we were little, we couldn't afford clothes,
so, we made our own out of nettles.
Ouch.
That was my first word.
Then there was the whole rest of my life.
And then there's now.
Which is the important bit, isn't it?
Yeah, he's actually right.
We fret so much about the future,
or I do, anyway.
And then when you get to the future, it's now.
Life is made of nows.
(ethereal music)
It's always now.
Such wisdom.
There's an invisible snail of time,
and he eats all your nows.
The day you see him is the day you die.
And he's called Big Liam.
It was going so well till then.
(upbeat music)
Ooh, I bet they've got good pies down there.
We've gotta eat sometime.
DAGAN: Well, we can't enter a town.
BOBIK: Got no money anyway.
Got these.
No.
No, I'm not shovelling turds for copper coins.
I'm just not.
I said I'm not shovelling turds for copper coins.
Did you hear me?
Guys?
(noisy market)
(chickens clucking)
(market sellers shouting)
Bread!
Only one quarter sawdust!
- Bread! - Finest wool!
Get your random geese!
(bell ringing) TOWN CRIER: Oyez, oyez!
News from the citadel.
MAN: Shh, shh, shh.
The siege is over.
The victor is Humble Joan!
(cheers) (upbeat flute music)
- (chanting) Humble Joan! - DAGAN: Shulmay.
Sorry, excuse me, sorry.
Hooray!
- Sorry. - Thank you.
(squidging)
DAGAN: Urgh. Yuck. (flies buzzing)
Shit spaders for hire, you said.
- Yeah. - You can spade shit.
- Thank you. - You can sort of spade shit.
But I've got no words for you.
Pick up the pace, or nobody gets paid!
Bobik, I need to improve!
It takes many, many years to master the way of the spade.
It's... it's not something you can just get across
in an afternoon.
Well, can we try?
What's your song?
Harsh as a lion...
No, no!
Your real song.
Come here.
Closer.
Bobik not gonna hurt Dagan.
Just close your eyes.
Please.
Now, I'm gonna need you to go deep inside yourself.
(tense music) Okay?
Now, just imagine for a second
that you're not a queen.
You're not a woman.
You're not a man.
There's no earth, there's no sky.
It's just you, and the spade,
and the thing what must be spaded.
Now open your eyes.
(whoosh)
What do you see?
(echoing) Me.
Spade.
And that huge pile.
BOBIK; Now, there's a song inside you.
Everyone has one, deep in their soul.
That's your spading song.
That's your rhythm.
No.
I can't hear any song, I'm sorry.
Well, that's odd.
Well, let's go even deeper.
Think about something from your past.
SHULMAY: Not a good idea.
BOBIK: It'll be fine. Bobik's got this.
SHULMAY: Well, does he, though?
DAGAN: Not helping.
BOBIK: Trust me. Close your eyes again.
(chanting music)
Go even deeper inside.
Deep as it goes.
(whooshing)
(humming)
(sludge squelching)
See? I told you.
YOUNG DAGAN: (screaming) Mum! Mum! Mum!
(screaming)
No!
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la - la-la-la...
(spade snaps)
What's the racket?
What shit spader breaks their own shit spade?
Leathermaker, we will redouble our efforts.
You'll redouble your efforts to fuck off.
- SHULMAY: Kind leathermaker... - Fuck off!
Brilliant.
How we gonna earn coin now?
DAGAN: My only talent is being a queen.
SHULMAY: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
Since the death of Ur-Nammu the Great,
you have been oppressed by his horrendous daughter,
the selfish, arrogant, stuck-up little child queen,
despised by all.
Now is the time for sweet revenge.
I present to you Queen Dagan.
(booing) DAGAN: You low, low wretches,
you poo gobbling serfs,
puss-encrusted bell-ends. (public laughing)
Who dares to defame your queen?
SHULMAY: Pelt the Queen with rocks.
One for a farthing, six for a penny.
What great value.
Here is a farthing.
(rock hits the target) (cheering)
DAGAN: Who threw that?
Suck my fat scorn, you maggoty churl.
I'll open your head and stab you in the fucking mind.
I'll hang your balls from a spike
so, everybody can see how tiny they are.
(laughing) Very, very, very tiny balls.
It's Bobik.
I heard her speak once and she sounded just like that.
Do her some damage.
Six for a penny. (cheers)
(coins jangling)
(rock hits the target) (cheering)
(coins jangling) (rocks pelting)
DAGAN: Is that all you've got, you cock-sucking witches?
(target smashes) (cheering)
I was a superb puppeteer, was I not?
Fantastic.
- How good was I, Bobik? - You were absolutely shit.
(laughing)
You're doing a jest.
That I am.
- And a great one at that. - Thank you.
Well, we've earned enough for food.
And beer.
And toenail paint, which I'm not convinced that we need.
I need it, Shulmay, I just do.
It's a queen thing, judge me not.
(clearing throat)
Help.
SHULMAY: She likes you. Smile back.
(growls)
SHULMAY: You flirted, Bobik.
People who don't smell get to do that now and then.
So, we take the Great East Road from here,
and then it's a few days to Fingerstone Rock.
Then we're out across the sea.
We're halfway to salvation.
And I'm still wearing this little chap.
Boop. (giggles)
And it's safe so long as I have my friends.
I said that exact thing only a week ago to others.
And then they tried to murder me.
Urgh.
You two haven't murdered me, not even a tiny bit.
We're your friends.
Best friends, forever.
Even though you're both very, very common.
And when I'm back on my throne,
I shall rain riches and titles on you both.
You said that before.
Yes, but I was fibbing then. I mean it now.
To friendship.
(cheers)
Shulmay, what's your song?
I dunno. Don't have one probably.
Everyone's got one.
The tooth in the bottle.
I mean, there must be a story there.
(gasps) Let me guess.
Oh, it's the tooth of your long-lost sweetheart.
And we can help you win him back.
Bobik, that'll be our next adventure.
- It's just a tooth. (laughs) - It's your tooth.
Your mum, Queen Fritha, gave it to Shulmay,
and Shulmay made a promise to look after you,
'cau...'cause your mum saved Shulmay...
(laughs nervously)
Beer... beer made me say that.
Is that true, Shulmay?
(upbeat flute music)
You're not loyal to me.
You're not my friend.
You're just a friend of my mother's.
- She was a good woman, Dagan. - She locked herself in a tower.
She refused to see me.
I was abandoned, forsaken. - No, because...
Speak no more of that woman!
(pub falls silent)
(Bobik clears his throat)
Okay, we're getting attention. We need to leave, quietly.
Don't look.
(treacherous music) DAGAN: Leofwine.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
She doesn't know you. Distract her.
How?
LEOFWINE: You're not even looking properly. Look at it.
Oh God, your breath is like a badger's arse.
Hello.
Madame.
You are a super fine lady.
And this is me telling you that.
(beer pouring on floor)
That was beer, it wasn't a sudden gush of piss.
This is an interaction of some kind, but what exactly?
It's my new thing.
It's called flirting.
Is it going well?
(sword swishes) Whoa.
- Can it stop? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
You.
Have you seen this woman?
Is there a way east which isn't the Great East Road?
A way that's, er, much quicker,
but at the same time isn't used by anyone at all?
There is such a way.
There's a certain forest. (eerie sounds)
You don't wanna go through there.
SHULMAY: We've heard about this certain forest.
What's so bad about it? - The Man-Wolf. (bang)
Ur-Nammu the Great loved his wolves,
more than his own daughter even.
Story goes he tried to make a Man-Wolf companion
by unnatural means.
First, a fella was kidnapped,
then Ur-Nammu transformed this poor man
with hexes and the like.
DAGAN: And I'm guessing that went badly.
Or are you going to surprise me
and say it went really well? - No!
It was a monster made with magic only a king can undo.
And it dwells in those woods still,
feasting on the fools who take the forest path.
Them what don't believe the beast is real!
(people shouting excitedly) WOMAN: Humble Joan's here!
Oh no, not her as well.
MAN: Humble Joan is here!
WOMAN: It's Humble Joan!
(chanting) Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan...
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan...
(crowd falls silent)
Good citizens...
five days now since Dagan fell,
and with her the crooked laws,
which stole the wealth of this land from you, the people.
(cheering)
And yet Dagan lives.
She stalks our fields.
No! JOAN: Our lanes.
CROWD: No!
I have heard she lurks here, in the east,
and hopes to win her throne again.
CROWD: Never!
JOAN: To pillage and to murder.
And I've heard she's done poos in your wells.
(crowd cries)
DAGAN: She doesn't do that.
300 silver marks,
a lifetime's pay,
all for the one who brings me Dagan, alive or dead.
(cheers)
The people are the heroes now.
(loud cheering)
MAN: Put her head on a spike.
SHULMAY: Quick, Dagan, this way.
(people shouting murderously)
(drum beating)
Stop it! She's here.
She's here.
The little piggy princess.
Bobik!
- Yeah? No.
Is that woman gone? - Yes, come on!
Scary. But lovely hair.
So, they took the path where nobody goes,
(eerie music) into a certain forest.
SHULMAY: Man-Wolf. (laughs)
No. No, such thing.
Absolutely not, no.
No way.
Stay on the path. (laughs nervously)
Never leave the path.
Bobik, tell this woman she has us utterly lost.
You still not talking to her?
Well, I'll travel with her if I must.
But it's my mother she loves.
So, all former relations are severed.
I liked it when we were in the pub.
There was beer.
If it cheers you up, Bobik, you can have an extra county
on your earldom. - Whoa.
Hey, will there be ale in this county?
All the ale you can guzzle.
What, and pies?
- Pies too. - What kind of pies?
- All the pies you can imagine. - Wow!
Well, hey, I can imagine a great many
different kinds of pies.
I'm sure you can, but there's no need to list them.
You've got apple pie, mutton pie.
- Here we go. - Elderberry pie, venison pie.
- Yeah. - Rabbit pie.
- Rabbit pie's a nice pie. - Mm-hmm.
But then, of course, you have all the fish pies.
Imagine for a moment any fish in the river,
and then just say the word 'pie' after it.
- Got it. - Go on, have a go. Give me one.
- Trout. - Trout pie, yes.
Salmon pie. Now, eel pie is very...
(banging sound) What's that?
(eerie music) (wolf hows)
(Bobik shudders)
Are we standing in the lair of the deadly Man-Wolf?
I command you not to panic. But yes, yes, we are.
(Bobik cries) (stabbing sound)
(Dagan gasps) Hey, please don't leave me!
Circle of safety, circle of safety, circle of safety,
circle of safety! - Oh, God!
Oh, Gods, whatever!
LEATHERSMITH: Halt. (screams)
(tense music)
You were no shit spader.
That I could tell.
Then I saw that panting, you with the crown.
No, no, I'm Hilda.
I...I'm a travelling merchant.
Let's walk.
300 silver marks will buy me all the...
(stabbing sound)
(groans, thud)
Huh?
Saw him creep off with his long sword,
like he knew something.
And he led me all the way to you...
Your Majesty.
(whispers) Gods and ancestors, assist me now.
MAN: Don't waste your breathe.
My 300 silver marks will... (stabbing sound)
(groans)
(thud) Oh, my...
(pulling axe out)
Couldn't let him be the one to catch the great Queen Dagan.
And now, 300 silver... (stabbing sound)
(groans)
(thuds) Ludicrous!
That leathermaker tried to send us north.
But we figured out his game.
And those 300 silver marks... (stabbing sound)
(choking)
(Dagan squeals) (thuds)
(pulling sword out)
- Shall be mi... - Argh!
(stabbing sound) (choking)
(pulling sword out) (thuds)
No, you don't.
You are a difficult person to track down and behead.
(treacherous music)
If you want to talk your way out of this,
now's your chance.
Leofwine...
I mean, we go way back, and I thought...
Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...
Carry on.
(treacherous music)
You know, maybe we could just...
- Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee... - (scoffs)
Dear sweet, stupid,
stupid, stupid
Dagan! - You won't escape this.
The mighty Bobik.
He'll be here any moment.
Circle of safety, circle of safety.
(owl hoots in the silence)
Nobody's coming for you. (wimpers)
Leofwine, listen!
Humble Joan, she'll just cast you aside as soon as she can.
She can't.
You don't think Joan's in charge, do you?
People like you and her, you don't actually govern.
People like me do that.
I gather taxes,
I pay the druids,
I burn the druids,
I hire cheaper, new druids.
I run the show, and I always did.
(dramatic music)
Urgh! (stabbing sound)
You...
You should have...
(thuds)
- She's dead. - ...joined me!
I had so many plans.
(gurgling) All dust now.
(chokes)
Dust... now.
(sighs)
- She's dead. - No!
I'm alive, Dagan, I'm still alive.
- Now... - (coughing)
DAGAN: Oh, for God's sake.
(dramatic music)
(women sighing)
I've actually literally wet my breeches.
The queen has moistened herself.
At least that man-wolf never showed up.
(wolf-man growls) (women screaming)
Shulmay!
I'm coming, Shulmay! (wolf-man snarls)
Get your hands off my friend!
(smashing, slashing, tearing)
Urgh!
(wolf-man gurgles, laughs) (babbles)
Relax.
It's broken.
Your crown broke the spell.
(both gasping)
I can return to my family.
Thank you for setting me free.
Hey, you alright, Clive?
I ain't seen you in years.
You're looking well.
Shulmay, are you hurt?
You came to save me.
You took off your crown for a lowly wretch like me.
Oh, but what a wretch.
What a wretch.
(laughs) (upbeat music)
(high tempo music)
With that huge bounty on your head, we won't get far,
but Leofwine's a close enough match for you.
We still have your scarlet robes.
If she's found in them, the hunt for the Queen ends.
But we have different faces.
Yes, but this is craggy country.
We'll find a cliff and drop her off a decent height.
I get it.
If Leofwine's head lands on a hard surface,
then her face will be all blown inside out
and splintered, crushed. (gagging)
SHULMAY: See? Put her in the gown, she's almost you.
Just the face to think about.
Hmm.
This here drop should do the job on that.
(grunting) Okay.
But she has to land correctly.
So, we... we've gotta drop her this way, then.
No, like this.
Legs first, 'cause she'll flip as she falls.
No, sideways, with a touch of spin.
- No, headfirst. - You haven't done this before.
Neither have you.
Alright, sideways with a touch of spin.
Okay.
You got her? - Yeah.
Ready?
One, two, three.
(gown flapping)
(loud thump)
Hmm.
Do we have to go down and fetch her up?
Yes. Yes, we do.
(upbeat flute music)
(grunting)
Okay, headfirst.
One, two, three.
(gown flapping)
(loud thump)
What?!
She flipped as she fell, I did say.
- He did say. - No, there was a sudden gust.
Yeah, one more time.
Alright.
Urgh, how are we gonna pick her up?
BOBIK: She's very slightly damaged.
(gagging)
I think I've worked something out.
Dagan often talks about nailing her foes to trees
and opening up their guts and other such japes.
When this kind of stuff happens in front of her...
- She doesn't much like it. - No, she doesn't.
Lies!
I am hard as horn.
In my youth, my father made me watch such things.
(treacherous music)
MAN: No! No, no, no, please, Your Majesty!
No, no, no! I beg you!
Please, no!
No! (sizzling) No!
No!
Alright.
I hated it.
I hated every horrid moment of it!
Are you satisfied?
And my mother did nothing.
(door clangs shut) YOUNG DAGAN: Mum! No! No!
Why won't you see me?
Shulmay, I feel we've opened the wax lid
atop a clay vessel of worms.
Your father thought your mother's love
would make you soft,
so, he locked her away in a tower,
and anyone who spoke of her again
would be pressed through a cattle grid.
She never abandoned you, Dagan.
My mother lo... loved me?
Always.
Why did nobody tell me?
(whispers) The cattle grid.
Oh.
Your father was a bad man.
And not worthy of your admiration.
But that is just the opinion of Bobik.
I've been so wrong.
(soft music)
Shall we have a third go then, or what?
I reckon we've got this.
Just let me do one thing.
(grunting)
Okay, feet first.
You ready?
One, two, three.
With the flip.
(thuds) Hmm.
Yay! (clapping)
Huh.
I'll see you again soon.
Promise.
(kisses crown)
Someone will find the body soon enough.
This is what they want
Why are you still here?
This is what they said
This is what you get
This is you feeling the same as you used to
(soldier gags)
Pay them the bounty.
Is Leofwine back from the forest yet?
(sheet swishes)
(laughs)
Hmm.
(fire crackles)
She's tougher than I thought.
I worried she wouldn't make it this far.
BOBIK: It's, what, a three-day walk to Fingerstone Rock?
To meet Ivarr and Guthrum.
Bobik.
- Yeah? - The thing is...
Yeah, we'll do that.
We'll do all of that.
(dramatic music)
And after a day's work at the new c-c-collective bakery,
I kept a few sweepings of flour for me and my family.
- Oh dear. - And I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again.
But I haven't had any wages since Freedom Day,
and the guards say there's no coin to pay us with,
and, and the kids, (laughs nervously)
they're so hungry.
- Witgar. - Hmm?
You can go back to your family.
(sighs) Thank you, Joan.
After a stay at the citadel, in a special room,
deep underground.
I...I, urgh... I love you!
This commonwealth cannot fail.
- WITGAR: I love you! - Will not fail.
SOLDIER: Humble Joan, a message from across the seas.
Hmm. (treacherous music)
And this letter gives us the means to do it.
Pack up!
I have somewhere to be.
(upbeat music)
And so, the long journey to the eastern shore
was nearly over.
Then, just a short trip across the sea
would take them to the great allies.
King Ivarr and King Guthrum.
(upbeat flute music)
SHULMAY: There it is.
(seagulls crying) (Dagan gasps)
Ah!
A hundred and two score miles, and here we are.
Fingerstone Rock!
BOBIK: It is big, though, the sea.
They weren't lying.
You'd need all day to drink that lot.
Is it salty, though?
I'm gonna lick it.
The only sure way to test anything is lick it.
Shulmay.
Where's our boat, Shulmay, to take us to the lovely kings?
My Queen, here's the thing...
(gasps) There's a boat!
(screeching) It's them! They're here!
What now? No.
- DAGAN: Ivarr! - Dagan, wait.
Guthrum!
- I need to tell you something. - The two warriors bold!
They've crossed the sea themselves to pick me up!
(gasps)
- I'm saved! - That's not quite it.
- Cooee! I'm here! - Listen, Ivarr and Guthrum
are not here for you.
They're literally just there! (sea roaring)
SHULMAY: I haven't told you everything.
DAGAN: Wait, where are they going, the silly things? Huh.
The truth is, they did write to Leofwine,
asking to meet by Fingerstone Rock,
and pay gold for the secret of the flame-powder...
...once Humble Joan had taken the realm.
You mean they bet against me?
I had to think fast.
Get the queen to safety and tell the truth later.
(dramatic music)
DAGAN: You lied to me, all this time.
No ships, no armies.
But there is safety.
No one lives on Fingerstone.
So, we can live there, and no one will know.
Everyone thinks you're dead.
We'll eat seagulls' eggs and fish.
Fish pie.
That was kind of my plan all along.
We live on a rock.
That rock?
SHULMAY: That rock over there.
If we live on that rock, will I still be an earl?
Yeah.
Earl in a palace, or earl in a hovel?
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry, Bobik.
Look, I know it's a lot to take in.
Urgh! (kicking)
(hard slap) Oh!
I did all this for your mother!
You're a shit, Dagan!
A selfish, horrible shit!
After all I've done for you, all Bobik's done!
I killed for you! - A bad person...
who had it coming!
Real affection would be...
would be killing someone who didn't deserve it.
You sucked up my mother's love...
for years!
That was my love,
and you robbed it!
And then you promised me a kingdom,
and then you steal that too!
Some of us get by without kingdoms.
(screaming) Well, I need a kingdom!
I was going to be a better queen this time!
(sobbing) Just a, a, a fucking adorable queen!
The pain of it.
You don't know about pain!
You're a spoiled baby!
Do you know how hard it is being your friend?
You are not my friend.
Eat my jellyfish! (squelch)
(screams) It stings!
Nobody told me they sting!
I wish that man-wolf had scoffed your fucking tits!
Right, I'm done. (necklace clinks on sand)
- DAGAN: Good! - SHULMAY: Fine!
- Fine! - Good!
(melancholic music) Leave me then!
Everybody does!
Why don't you hand me in to Humble Joan,
get a nice big fat reward?
Yeah, maybe I should.
Bobik?
Nah.
Tell me how I should feel
How can this love
run out of here?
When should I believe the things you say?
(seagulls crying)
You change your mind from day to day
And I don't know if you can
take such a good thing
(waves lapping)
IVARR: What's the snack situation?
GUTHRAM: I hope it's good, I'm so hungry.
(dramatic music)
(kings grunting)
- Very good. - Ja.
Oh, God. Oh.
What a shit hole.
- Ja, it stinks. - Yes. (laughs)
GUTHRAM: We shall drive a hard bargain.
Ja, what other bargain would we wanna drive, man?
I mean, it's us, yeah?
We're hardcore, all the time.
I am.
You? I've heard otherwise.
You mock me.
I'll spill your sorry guts on the sand right here.
- You wanna go? - Right here.
- You wanna go? - On the sand.
- You wanna get crazy? - You want a piece of it?
You wanna get crazy? I'm gonna fuck you up.
Ja, you want?
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go...
(men squabbling)
(laughs)
She thinks we may fight now.
(laughs) She does not know that we are good friends,
whose mannish banter is unmatched.
Yeah, just a couple of kings fucking around.
You're bigger than I thought you'd be.
But you're still pretty small.
King Ivarr, King Guthrum,
welcome to the Commonwealth of the People.
Well done on the rebellion.
If you'd tried it in our lands, you'd be very dead now.
Yeah, very dead.
But you did it here, so, you know, we're cool with that.
Come this way.
IVARR: Thank you.
I don't trust her. - GUTHRAM: No. Me neither.
She's so small.
(high tempo music)
Do you think Humble Joan's around?
Well, Leofwine's not meeting the kings, is she?
Yes, Humble Joan's here.
We'll give her what she wants,
and then she can't deny us our silver.
We'll be wealthy?
You'll never have to shovel again, and I'll serve no one.
I'm sick of looking after the upper classes, Bobik.
I need to find my song.
Hey.
So, are we giving her Dagan?
Yes, we are.
Yeah. (treacherous music)
So, this commonwealth malarky.
Does it have legs?
I mean, what if Dagan gets back in, hmm?
(box opens, flies buzzing) Urgh.
These were found on her mangled corpse.
- GUTHRUM: That smells bad. - IVARR: Ja, that's hers.
Your Majesties will need a moment to mourn, I'm sure.
Eh.
It's no great loss.
Hmm.
Pagan Europe will just have to struggle on without her.
Let us talk the flame-powder.
- Ja. - Let's.
We've heard you're flat broke.
IVARR: I'm not. I just raided Latvia.
(laughs) Very raidable is your Latvia.
Ja.
GUTHRUM: So, this flame-powder, does it really work?
IVARR: I'm thinking maybe we can try out the flame-powder
on some peasants!
(sword swishes) No. Approach, friends.
We don't kill commoners for fun here.
Really?
What a bore.
- (scoffs) - I like slaying peasants.
Ja, you have the mad skills.
JOAN: How goes the day, travellers?
Humble Joan, we've come to tell you something.
To tell you that Queen Dagan...
(tense music)
Queen Dagan... - Have we met before?
Speak.
There's nothing to fear.
Queen Dagan...
Nothing to fear indeed.
For Humble Joan... protects us all.
Her steady hand guiding the great...
plough shed of this nation.
Indeed, here is a woman whose words you may trust.
(laughs)
Bye-bye.
(upbeat music)
Catch up with our friends and invite them to stay awhile.
You, search the dunes where they came from.
Something's going on here.
SOLDIER: Let's go.
(tense music)
Make haste.
(soldier coughing)
I hoped you'd come back.
Up you get... Dagan.
DAGAN: Ow! Get off!
I am still your queen! How ruddy dare you?!
Ow!
You know, even if you offered help to me now,
I would spurn it.
You don't happen to offer it, do you?
Dagan's dead, you said.
Fortune has offered us a subject for demonstration.
She is a queen, dress her as such.
(tense music)
(box opens)
(dramatic music)
Our subject thinks much of her dainty toes.
She is famous for her lovely feet.
- Ja. - We call this cord a fuse.
Simply light one end of it.
(flames burst)
(fuse sizzles)
(explosion) (Dagan screams)
JOAN: Bang.
(Dagan groaning)
That was a little bang.
We came for large bangs.
Large bangs.
Large bangs, large bangs, large bangs.
You will have one.
For now, we put our powder in a tube of iron.
(cannon wheels squeak)
BOBIK: You said she knew nothing of pain.
I know I did.
I think she does now.
Her foot is quite badly fucked up.
Yeah, it really is.
I'm going to work my way around your body, Dagan.
But first, tell me.
Is that the pair you travelled with?
(gulps)
I don't know who they are.
JOAN: Well, whoever they are,
they're about to watch you suffer very, very much.
Nice.
She could try to bargain with our peasanty lives,
and yet she still doesn't give us away.
JOAN: Primed and ready.
Let's see what it will do to the human...
(tense music)
knee. (cannons squeaks)
Again, we light the fuse.
SHULMAY: Hold.
We, the common people, wish to avenge ourselves
on the tyrant. (treacherous music)
Amuse us.
Give the peasant a go.
Nice and messy, please.
Chunks everywhere.
Dagan, let this show you where we stand.
(flames burst)
(tense music)
(stick whirls through the air)
(flame fizzles out on the sand)
I think she meant to hurl it into that chest.
Treachery!
Shulmay's a rotten throw, but I'm not!
(thunk) (laughs)
SOLDIER: Close it!
(lid bangs shut)
Ha! The powder needs air to burn.
Starved of air, it cannot catch...
(huge explosion)
(everyone coughing)
GUTHRUM: Bang, bang! IVARR: Ja! (laughs)
That was a large bang!
JOAN: Guards!
BOBIK: Argh!
(punching) (high tempo music)
(slap) (Bobik choking)
(sword swishes)
(swords clang) Argh!
(Joan laughs)
Oh, Dagan.
I've bested you once already,
now you're all starved and leaking.
I fought for myself back then. Now I fight for something else.
Argh! (swords clang)
- Ladies, fighting with swords. - Ja.
Argh! (swords clanging)
(kicking sound) (thump)
(Bobik choking)
Let me tell you a secret, Dagan.
(tense music)
I've begun to enjoy it at the top of the tree.
I can tell you that, 'cause you'd understand.
(crown clangs on sword)
I was going to melt this down for gold coin, but...
wouldn't it look fine on Joan's most humble head?
'Take the crown, Joan!
You're the people's queen!'
'Oh, but I mustn't.'
'Oh, but we wish it!'
'Well, if I must.' (laughs) (sword falls to the sand)
Oh!
(laughs evilly)
(ethereal music) BOBIK: There's no sky.
It's just you...
(screams) No!
BOBIK:...the spade.
and the thing what must be spaded.
(squelching) (menacing singing)
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la...
(repeated stabbing sound)
(blood spurting)
(dangerous music)
(thump)
(crown clangs softly)
(dramatic violin music)
Humble Joan,
for eternity your memory will...
(hard thump)
Oh, that was magnificent! (applause)
- Outstanding! - Ja!
- High funf! - High funf!
Queen Dagan, we wanted you to win all along.
I really enjoyed that.
- GUTHRUM: Right. - IVARR: That was so good.
- GUTHRUM: Ja. - IVARR: Ja.
(chatter fades out)
(Dagan groans)
My blood is falling out.
(blood drips)
My life ebbs away.
Dagan.
This land will need a ruler when I'm gone.
I was a bastard.
Joan.
Leofwine.
Ivarr, Gunthrum.
We're all bastards.
Maybe countries need leaders who aren't bastards.
Shulmay...
will you be queen?
I can't be queen.
Can I?
You were made for it.
Trust me.
Shulmay...
Do you promise to rule with wisdom and kindness?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Queen Shulmay.
I don't want to die on the ground.
Help me up, my Queen.
(dramatic music)
(groans)
Uh, Queen Shulmay.
Any chance you could give us the recipe
for the bang-bang powder?
No.
Just asking.
Yeah, no need to be snippy.
Come on. Let's go.
GUTHRUM: Which way is the boat?
IVARR: It was your job to remember that.
GUTHRUM: Erm, it was close to a very distinctive pebble.
IVARR: Oh ja, by that big, sort of, sandy-coloured section.
(coughs)
(tense music)
Uh...
I see a snail.
Come, Big Liam.
I'm ready.
(ethereal music)
No.
Come.
Cease your approach, Big Liam.
I've had an idea.
This will stop the bleeding.
Just a tiny pinch of the powder.
DAGAN: Liam, I see you, Big Liam. I'm ready.
That'll burn the wound shut. Stand back.
(sizzling)
Ouch! Fucking hell!
The bleeding's stopped.
Saved your life.
Come.
Thank you...
Earl Bobik.
I'm an earl!
Hey, I'm an earl!
A ruddy earl!
Oof.
Where are you off to?
Why, off to the citadel.
We have a coronation to arrange!
(upbeat marching music)
SHULMAY: I'm the Queen!
BOBIK: You're the fucking Queen!
SHULMAY: I'm the Queen!
Shulmay, you found your song!
(laughing)
I'm the Queen!
The fucking Queen!
DAGAN: And the crown stayed on the right head.
The head it was meant for all along.
Hooray for Queen Shulmay, the people's queen!
(cheers and applause)
What about Bobik? (laughs)
DAGAN: I moved to a palace.
And I found my beloved countess.
Here you are, dear.
DAGAN: And everybody lived happily ever after.
The end.
Sorry for all the swearing. (cheers and applause)
Thank you! Thank you so much!
Many thanks!
Don't forget the puppeteer.
(coins jangling) Thank you.
- GIRL: Thank you. - DAGAN: Thanks.
Is it true what the grown-ups say,
that you're the other queen in the story?
What?
She was so mean and angry.
Nobody would want to be her friend.
Do I look like her?
No, you don't.
So, it can't be me, can it?
(coins jangle)
Or at least it hasn't been for a very long...
Oh, for goodness sake!
Seize them!
(upbeat music)
Shall I milk thy herd for you, kind sir?
Hey, I'm in love.
My fingers keep on clicking to the beat...
He locked her away in a tower.
And anyone who spoke of her again
would be pressed through a cattle grid.
Ebony and ivory and dancing and in the street
Hey, it's 'cause of you the world...
I've heard she's done this: poos in your wells.
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga, dung, dung, dung...
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
...like a jungle drum
What, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.
...the moment between the striking and the fire
- A dragon, then. - SHULMAY: They're not real.
(laughs) Fuck off.
...kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss
No one ever stopped
My hands are in the air, yes, I'm in love
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga, dung, dung, dung
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga, dung, dung, dung
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung...
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung...
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung...
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung...(repeated)
My heart is beating like a jungle drum
My heart is beating like a jungle...
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung, gung...
(upbeat marching music)
LEOFWINE: I'm alive, Dagan!
I'm still alive! (gurgles)