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(wind blowing gently)
(voices whispering)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(thunder crashing)
(thunder crashes)
(electrical humming)
(in English) Hello.
We are Impaled Rektum,
and we are here to play...
(heavy metal theme playing)
...um, dance music.
(band playing "Prisoner of Flesh" humpaa style)
♪ Incarcerated ♪
♪ Chained to this floor ♪
♪ This forsaken dungeon ♪
♪ I must endure ♪
♪ Behind these bars of torment ♪
♪ My spirit yearns to soar ♪
♪ A prisoner of existence ♪
♪ Craving something more ♪
♪ The world outside beckons ♪
♪ A place I'll never see ♪
♪ Bounty a stone and mortar ♪
-(lock beeps) -♪ My spirit can be free ♪
♪ Like a fly in need of shit ♪
♪ I need to fly once more ♪
♪ If only my wings had... ♪
(playing death metal)
♪ Yeah! ♪
(singing death metal indistinctly)
Stop it! Now!
(whistle blows)
(Turo laughs)
(in Finnish) We almost made it to the chorus!
Into the Rektum!
BAND MEMBERS: Into the Rektum!
(wheel squeaking)
(men yelling intermittently in distance)
WARDEN (in English): Ah, Mr. Xytrax. Heh.
XYTRAX: Warden.
Listen, having the biggest library
of metal in Europe is wonderful, really wonderful.
I even write about it in our PrisonAdvisor page, but...
(electric guitar riffing)
(yells indistinctly)
(guitar stops)
Are you okay?
(guitar continues)
(grunts affirmatively)
(guitar stops)
(whistles)
Anyway, as I was saying,
some of our inmates have been...
rather vocal about the music selection,
and, um, I was just wondering,
is it possible to maybe try other genres?
No.
No?
No. Okay.
Good talk!
LOTVONEN: Hey.
(in Finnish) What do you think of this solo?
(plays three notes)
No...
(playing discordant notes)
(Oula yells)
-(stops playing) -(Oula grunts)
I agree with Oula.
LOTVONEN: How do you do it?
(washer thumping rhythmically)
(metal guitar playing same rhythm)
(drum beat joining in)
(crowd cheering)
XYTRAX: Turo.
(washer thumping rhythmically)
We booked the last gig of our Northeastern Finland tour.
-A festival? -Barfie's Basement.
Is it
a big venue?
No, it's Barfie's Basement.
Only true metalheads know it.
This tour is going to be for the chosen few.
Mm-hmm.
And we might even have to turn some of them away.
(slow metal theme playing)
Maybe our lawyer is coming.
He made it pretty clear he's not coming back.
Maybe your parents are coming, Lotvonen.
They can't afford to visit here.
(door lock buzzes in distance)
I hope it's Satan.
I've been calling him.
(door opens, closes)
(in English) Gentlemen.
(in Finnish) Hello.
(in English) Please allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Maxwell Efraim Fisto.
(in English) Nice to meet you.
Wow.
Impaled Rektum.
Your reputation precedes you.
You're the most dangerous band in the world right now.
Nice.
Yet, you don't seem like
the usual suspects.
Serving a prison sentence for...
causing an armed conflict
between Finland and Norway,
grave robbing, kidnapping.
I was in a mental hospital.
Anger issues.
All in the past, though.
(chuckles) I represent and manage
the biggest bands in metal music.
Maybe, I don't know if you've heard of some of my clients.
Vomit Distributor, Corpse Kisser.
-Bloodmotor. -Bloodmotor?
The reason why I'm here is
because I have a proposition for you.
A concert.
In Wacken. Germany.
Wacken is the biggest, loudest, hardest,
most amazing metal music festival in the world.
A hundred thousand people gather together
to celebrate the world's greatest metal music bands.
Is Dave Mustaine going to be there?
Everyone is going to be there.
(chuckles)
Okay.
Sounds good.
Your compensation.
I know it's not much, 50,000 euros,
but a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
to melt faces on an epic scale.
And after Wacken...
-(thumps on table) -...I promise you
all your dreams are gonna come true.
So, what do you say?
(laughter)
No.
Why no?
Wacken is an overcommercial festival
for wannabe metalheads.
And we already have our own tour planned.
But it's a big opportunity.
We could think about it.
FISTO: What a shame.
Maybe this is not for you, after all.
No!
I mean, yes!
We could...
Also, we are still in prison then.
FISTO: Sorry to hear, Xytrax.
That's unfortunate.
Maybe we could play another gig.
Later.
Turo, this is a one-off opportunity.
Unfortunately.
Thank you for your precious time, gentlemen.
Enjoy the rest of today.
And good luck.
(door slams shut)
(in Finnish) We just said no to Wacken.
And to 50,000 euros.
That's metal.
(sheep baaing)
You're next.
(heavy metal theme playing)
LOTVONEN SLAUGHTERHOUSE
What the hell...
(groans)
(body thumps)
MERJA: Pekka.
Pekka!
WARDEN (in English): We are so extremely sad
to hear about your father.
Thankfully, he's in a stable condition.
And I'm sure we can make some kind of arrangement...
-(phone rings) -...for you to-- Sorry.
-Yes, hello? -HILDE (in Norwegian): Mr. Pettersen,
you asked me to let you know
when the guests from PrisonAdvisor have arrived.
(in Norwegian) Yes, great. Thank you, Hilde.
Make sure everyone is smiling.
Everything has to be perfect.
Okay. Great.
(in English) Uh, I'm so sorry.
I-- I need to-- to leave.
Ah, but our head of security, Mrs. Dokken,
she will take care of everything.
Um, yes, yes.
(exhales)
(in Norwegian) A big day.
(in English) Well, see you. See you.
(door opens, closes)
(in English) About the vacation.
Can you make it two weeks?
Losing someone is difficult.
I know. I lost a lot.
I was a colonel in the armed forces.
I had rifles, grenades, missiles.
And then, all this sissy talk started.
Suddenly, I was "prone to violence"
and "using excessive force."
I was a soldier, goddamn it!
Now I'm stuck guarding idiots like you in this joke prison
with nothing more than this stinking stick!
You will get what you deserve.
I'll promise you that.
(prisoners chattering)
(in Finnish) Why do we always have salmon?
They didn't let you go home?
This is just like prison.
Dad had a seizure
when they found out they need 30,000 euros
or they'll lose the farm.
They don't have that kind of money.
I'm going to escape.
You're not serious.
I have to see Dad while he's still alive.
Do you know how much more time we'll have to do for that?
We only have a couple of months left.
We could save the slaughterhouse with the money from Wacken.
Pekka is like a dad to me.
The farm is like a home to us.
I say we go play that gig.
A mainstream festival for metal posers.
But escaping prison would be cool, though.
(chuckles)
Let's go.
(laughs)
You can't be serious.
You're going to change your mind when you see my plan.
I planned this thoroughly.
Timing is really important here.
(in English) Is that an escape plan you have here?
Are you a complete idiot?
We don't have a helicopter.
The only way out of this prison is with this key card.
But the problem is
that an idiot like you
will never get his hands on it.
(giggles)
(screams)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in Finnish) Come help me!
(groans)
(in English) Come back here!
DOKKEN: Spit it out!
They're gonna stop serving the salmon buffet!
WARDEN: It has been called the best seafood buffet
in all of Scandinavia.
(grunts)
(all clamoring)
Heh. It is the...
riot reenactment club.
It's starting to look really authentic.
Very good, guys.
Great thrashing.
How about we check out the spa next.
Yeah? Heh.
(all clamoring)
(buzzes with each leap)
(buzzes)
(beeps)
TURO (in Finnish): We've been waiting an hour.
It takes a long time to do this.
TURO: Sometimes you could make a compromise.
Compromises are for amateurs.
(heavy metal theme playing)
(buzzing)
Try bareback.
(buzzing)
(in English) Stop!
(in Finnish) Let's get the hell out of here. Fast!
-(buzzes) -GUARD: Hey.
(alarm blaring in distance)
(in English) Let me guess.
You are the visitors from PrisonAdvisor.
Yes.
I knew it.
I'm really good at reading people.
Sorry you came on the riot day.
It almost never happens.
May I see your passes?
No.
Let me guess.
You lost it in the riot.
Yes.
What can I say.
It's a gift.
(keypad beeping)
(in Norwegian) Close the gate!
(in English) Sorry, guys, but I will have to close the gate.
Please move to the other side.
(heavy metal theme playing)
And don't forget to rate us!
(in Finnish) Why did you have to eat the key card?
I'll take care of this. My metabolism is fast.
(groaning)
Guys!
(guards chattering)
(flatulence)
(engine starts)
I have a librarian's keycard.
I get new records from the mainland once a week.
DOKKEN (in English): Stop!
(warden sighs)
WARDEN (in Norwegian): Oh, dear.
This is not good. Not good at all.
WARDEN: When PrisonAdvisor finds out prisoners have left us...
-We can be happy if they give us a six. -If they find out.
Huh?
Let's find them on our own. Nobody needs to find out.
-What do you mean? -Let's catch them.
Throw them into the sea.
What are you talking about?
(laughs incredulously)
I was just kidding.
I meant we should bring them back for rehabilitation.
I know the perfect person for the job.
Efficient. Motivated. Trained.
Me.
Are you sure you're not taking this personally?
Oh, no. Absolutely not.
I'm worried about the boys.
They're like children to me.
I'm a very motherly person.
Yeah.
(sighs)
I just want this to be
a prison people want to come to.
(heavy metal theme playing)
NORWEGIAN COD
(in Finnish) I'm bringing Mom fish so she doesn't always have to eat lamb.
(gunshot)
I wonder if it was overripe.
(gunshot)
MERJA: Get the hell out!
I ain't trading with you!
I would've given it to you for free.
-Kristian. -(sheep baaing)
MERJA: Oh, Lord.
How come you're here?
I thought you were the guys from the bank.
I came to see Dad.
MERJA: Aw.
Turo.
Oula.
Hello.
Zyrtec.
-Xytrax. -Right.
The men in suits demand we invest money
in renovating the slaughterhouse,
but we don't have that kind of money.
The vultures are already waiting,
wanting to bulldoze the yard
and build a darn supermarket.
But we won't give up without a fight.
(slow metal theme playing)
The doctor suspects
the fear of losing the farm has caused a mental breakdown.
He's shed so much blood in this place
that they're tied together.
I'm going to lose my old man, home and job.
And our rehearsal space.
If we had money,
we'd help.
I know that. You're good boys.
But now we can only wait for a miracle.
We have a plan.
You were so young and excited in that picture.
-Jynkky was still alive. -Yeah.
(call ringing)
Shh.
It's ringing.
-(phone rings) -(in English) Yes. Pronto.
TURO (over phone in English): Yes. Ah-huh.
Hello, Mr. Fisto.
Uh, this is Turo.
Who?
Turo.
Turo Moilanen.
From Impaled Rektum.
Turo, Impaled Rektum.
How could I forget?
We changed our minds,
and, uh, we got out of prison, too.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks for letting me know.
But, unfortunately, your Wacken slot is long gone.
Oh.
Yeah, Turo.
The show must go on.
Of course.
Um, but hey, take care
and send my best wishes to the band.
Wait.
I need this.
We-- We need this.
We'll do anything.
Yeah?
There is this festival
in Vilnius in two days.
And lucky you, I have an open slot.
Now, nothing big, just a supporting act.
You show me what you can do and we take it from there.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
How do we get to Vilnius?
Ah, it will be great to see you.
-Gotta dash. Bye! -(phone beeps off)
(dial tone droning)
(in Finnish) Well?
We need a ride.
Is Dad's Saab still broken?
-(car approaching in distance) -What do you think?
OULA: Could we borrow that?
TURO: What?
(dramatic theme playing)
Darn it!
I think our ride is here.
(sheep baaing in distance)
(in English) All right, you had your fun.
Time to go back.
Come out!
Don't make me come in there!
Last chance.
I'm going to give you to the count of ten,
and then I am...
Smart move, hippies.
(sheep baas)
(in Finnish) Coffee and buns.
(in English) Oh, well, why not.
Mission accomplished.
You know, criminal minds are weak.
Thinks too much about itself.
Easy to fool.
Yes. Yes.
So...
(in Norwegian) No!
(heavy metal theme playing)
DOKKEN: Come back!
(Dokken screaming indistinctly)
(in Finnish) Guys, we're in deep shit.
OULA: I can't feel my ass.
(boat horn blares in distance)
We should cross the sea.
And we have no money.
Well,
we don't have passports, either.
(bus air brakes hissing)
(people chattering)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(screams)
Shit.
There's a dead person there.
(footsteps thumping above)
(in English) Whose stalkers are these anyway?
Hey, get the fuck out of there.
That space is reserved
for our technician.
Spazz, get your shit together.
SPAZZ: No, sir. She was alive when I left.
CHRIS: One day you're not gonna wake up.
Legends never die.
CHRIS: Uh-huh?
(in Finnish) Darn it.
OULA: Do you know who they are?
LOTVONEN: Bloodmotor.
The most brutal band in the world.
Five albums ago.
(in English) Anyone else seeing these people?
(in English) We are also a band.
Impaled Rektum.
From Finland.
Cool.
What the hell are you doing here?
We broke out of the prison to fight
the injustices of the financial sector
over small agricultural businesses in rural regions.
Yeah, that's... that's definitely something
that we should be worried about, yeah.
(deep vocalization)
(pipe hisses)
(deep voice) Where you guys heading?
Vilnius.
That's where we're going.
Have a seat, guys.
"Servants of Blood" is my favorite album,
all-time best.
Your vocals, so heavy.
You can really feel it in your guts.
(chuckles)
Well, we don't play that anymore.
We've evolved.
It took us a long, long time
to find our sound.
I think it's just getting worse.
What did you say?
I said, I think your music
is just getting worse.
The last record was especially loose and uninspired.
The lyrics have no context.
The guitar sounds are bland, and so are the melodies.
Compared to your old records,
the new one is just superficial radio pop.
Even the artwork is awful.
Yeah.
It's a really bad record.
(slams glass)
Well, I'll have to go cry
on my solid gold toilet
to get over this one.
(laughter)
C'mon, have a drink, guys.
(heavy metal theme playing)
(inhales pipe)
Rob.
(in English) Hallelujah.
My golden boy.
How was your trip?
Long and boring.
Luckily we picked up
these dudes on the way.
I guess they're looking for you.
Impaled Rektum!
Really?
You really made it?
Yes, sir.
Hey!
Welcome to Vilnius.
Truly wonderful to see you.
I-- I feel I'm getting goosebumps.
And look at you.
Look at them, Rob.
So young and full of energy.
Unlike us, old geezers.
Right?
Yes, sir.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get started.
Follow me, gentlemen.
-Chris. -Eh?
What's with the sucking?
Sucking?
Rob.
(sucks air)
Yeah. Rob's voice is so black
it sucks the light.
It's helium.
Fisto's idea.
The sales went up, you know,
when people figured out what he was singing.
I mean, not that the lyrics
make any sense, but anyway...
Uh, don't mention it, yeah?
It's a touchy issue.
-Okay. -See you.
The reality is, with all my love and respect,
nobody knows you, yeah?
So, first impressions are everything.
You've got to stand out.
You want to be remembered.
So, how do you feel
about playing on fire?
It's always a crowd pleaser.
XYTRAX: Sounds good.
Any allergies?
Snake venom?
Asbestos?
Cow blood?
We tend to use reindeer blood,
but we can be flexible.
Love it!
You gentlemen just keep on giving.
What's this?
FISTO: Ah. Music list.
(Fisto chuckles)
(in English) Covers.
Surefire hits.
We only play our music.
-Uh, we... -I know. It's fine, too.
You have to respect a man's conviction.
Really great seeing you again.
Safe travels home and good luck.
(in Finnish) We have to play this gig!
(in English) Sir!
-Mr. Fisto. -Uh...
I'm sure we can work this out somehow.
I need my band hungry and willing.
You have to take chances when they're given to you.
Obviously you're not such a band.
(slow metal theme playing)
(scoffs) But sir.
-(cell phone ringing) -Sir.
-(phone beeps) -FISTO: Yeah, hello?
Mr. Fisto.
Yeah? Oh, Fisto here.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
Absolutely.
(band playing heavy metal music)
(crowd cheering)
(in Finnish) I can't believe I'm feeling this shitty at a Bloodmotor gig.
I can.
(singing "In Death's Embrace")
Whoa!
(women scream)
(guitar solo)
(singing indistinctly)
MAN: Give me... chocolate.
(playing "Gimme Chocolate!!" by Babymetal)
OULA (in Finnish): Hey...
Turo's singing on the main stage! Come see him sing.
(woman singing heavy metal pop in Japanese)
What's this?
This is the worst thing you can do to metal.
What's wrong with them?
Well, just look at them.
They look ridiculous.
You don't have to look at them, do you?
I think you like them.
I definitely don't.
This plastic pop is just used for selling merchandise.
OULA: Right.
Okay, why don't you stay here and not like them.
I'm gonna go watch Turo melt faces.
(people chattering)
(grunts)
(in English) Not bad, kiddo.
Yeah, yeah, I gotta call you back.
What the fuck were you thinking?
No, I mean, you're clearly stupid, reckless,
and you have no regard for your own life.
Just kidding.
Call me impressed.
Big time!
Please.
Let us play in Wacken.
(laughs)
Easy, tiger, easy.
I got you and your Rektum amigos
an opportunity to perform here in Vilnius,
and frankly, you failed to deliver.
And now you want to take it straight to Wacken.
It's a big risk for me,
and I don't know if I can trust you.
You can trust us.
I promise.
We will deliver.
We just want to play our own music.
Please.
You think you got what it takes?
Yes.
Whatever it takes.
I won't let you down.
I'm counting on you, Turo.
OULA: Turo! Turo.
(in Finnish) Insane!
(in English) Listen up, gentlemen.
Turo Starshine just earned
Impaled Rektum a ticket to Wacken.
-(Turo laughs) -No covers.
(laughter)
Great! Yeah.
All right, this calls for a toast.
FISTO: Drinks, please!
(somber theme playing)
(boat horn blares in distance)
(in Norwegian) My love, Armando.
Everything's gonna be okay.
I'll get them for doing this to you.
(mechanical whirring)
(truck engine starts)
FISTO (in English): Ahh, the smell of fish and pilsner.
Gotta love it.
Show business, gentlemen.
Forget about the show.
It's all about business.
So, do you know where the money
in the music business comes from?
LOTVONEN: Uh, the music.
(laughs) You wish. Nope.
It comes from the little kids
in Cambodia who make the T-shirts.
So, today, we're gonna help them
by taking some pictures for merchandise.
Gentlemen, welcome to Fistoworld!
(heavy metal theme playing)
I don't know about this.
A lot of great artists
didn't start rocking until they found their thing.
Slipknot, Ghost, Lordi.
Look at Xytrax.
Fine.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Pretty, pretty good.
I like.
I've got something for you to make it perfect.
If hats could talk, this one
would be a very traumatized hat.
Turo.
The hat of legends.
Okay, let's shoot!
Get everyone here.
FISTO: You heard the man.
C'mon! Energia!
C'mon!
(in Finnish) These stylists know what they're doing.
Speak for yourself.
I think that looks damn good.
-Who are you? -Lotvonen.
You had stylists?
-(camera flash loading) -Maybe this will look better in photos.
PHOTOGRAPHER (in English): Great.
Now I want to feel your danger,
your emotion, your sexual rage.
Yes!
Yes, more.
Perfect.
All right, give me more.
Yes.
Yes!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Yes!
Give me more.
(in Finnish) Let's try with the hammer.
(in English) Add the skull crushing to part C.
And turn up the sternums by three percent.
(heavy metal music playing over feedback)
(in Finnish) All right.
TURO: Wrap the song up.
LOTVONEN: I have a suggestion.
This won't take long.
(playing several notes)
No. Wait.
(playing discordant notes)
I think that's enough.
(stops playing)
TURO: What the hell was that?
LOTVONEN: I couldn't get it right.
I think I was thinking too much.
You weren't thinking at all.
We looked ridiculous.
(heavy metal music playing over feedback)
-(in English) It's perfect. -(laughter)
You heard the man!
-Bravo! -(music stops)
Great job, gentlemen.
Now, get the hell out of here.
FISTO: Helmut and I will wrap it up.
Thank you. Thank you.
(in Finnish) Thank you.
(in English) Here we go.
LOTVONEN (in Finnish): First time abroad.
We've been in Norway for the past five years.
Abroad for real for the first time.
This is so cool.
(laughs)
It's so different here from back home.
Guys, you think it's a good idea to be walking around here?
Let's get this thing over with and go back to prison.
And let's pray we don't have to sit there for the rest of our lives.
Let's enjoy now that we're not in prison.
(sniffs)
You smell that?
Stroetzels!
You think we could ask Fisto for an advance?
We haven't eaten in days.
Let's not be difficult.
(car approaching)
Run!
(heavy metal theme playing)
TURO: Get in!
(light dramatic theme playing)
Here's Lou Reed's old liver.
Who cares.
Let's get the hell out of here and fast. Where's the exit?
(folk music playing over headphones)
Oh, shit.
(dramatic theme playing)
Hide!
(door bell jingles)
(in English) Hey.
Have you seen four long-haired hippies?
-Yes. -(scoffs)
Our hippie hair collection is my life's work.
It's priceless.
I said, I'm looking for four men!
Please, sir.
We are not that kind of establishment.
(scoffs)
(low grunting)
(dog whimpers)
TURO: Hoo-hoo. Guys.
Hey, come!
(slow metal theme playing)
(in English) Read the sign!
You suck at everything, don't you?
TURO: Lotvonen!
(exhales)
(Turo grunting with jabs)
Come on, that's it. Ah!
(glass shatters)
(cymbal clangs)
(coughing)
(in English) No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no!
I'm a pacifist!
-You make me sick! -Don't!
(groaning)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(Oula screams)
(in Finnish) Easy now. It's me, Turo.
(Dokken groaning in pain)
TURO: Oula, easy.
TURO. Let's go!
What happened?
Well...
Not much.
What?
LOTVONEN: Dokken busted in,
and I almost took her down all by myself,
but then you came
and threw her across the room like a rag doll.
Darn brutal!
Not good.
OULA: I don't like this at all.
Let's go back.
We can't. We have to move forward.
We're in this together.
OULA: Obviously.
At least I don't have to be ashamed of those clothes.
Hey! I'll talk to Fisto.
Hey, guys!
What is it?
The guys are disappointed because the poster focuses on you.
It's like a Turo show where the rest of us
are mere shadows in the background.
I got it.
It's nice, but it's no band photo.
More like a solo artist's advertisement.
And the font...
(church bell ringing in distance)
(people chattering)
SECRETARY (in English): Can I help you?
Uh, I need to speak with Mr. Fisto.
Oh, no, no. Now is not a good time.
He's in the studio right now, and he's working.
-He knows who I am. -Please. Wait!
I can schedule you an appointment.
Hey. That's our song.
(heavy metal music playing over speakers within)
-(music stops) -FISTO: Now, add some more...
(vocalizes) You know what I mean.
(heavy metal music playing over speakers within)
(Fisto speaks indistinctly)
-What are you doing? -(music stops)
Oh, Turo, heh, what are you doing?
Um... Um, Helmut, can you step outside?
I need a few minutes.
Thanks.
C'mon, Turo, step forward.
Sit down.
What can I do for you?
You don't like our music.
Oh. It's just music.
What's behind it is important.
And the story of Impaled Rektum is legendary.
We don't want to play that.
Turo.
You broke out of prison,
you made it to Vilnius,
and we made a deal,
remember?
"Whatever it takes."
Your words.
C'mon.
You want to be on that stage more than anything.
I see that in you.
We broke out of prison to save the slaughterhouse.
And Lotvonen's father.
I respect that.
I'll tell you what.
Let's cancel our pact and Wacken.
I'll make a plea. No negativity. Yeah?
I'll still write you a check for 50,000.
You can go back where you need to.
Save Lotvonen's farm.
I'm sure it's going to be as great.
(heavy metal theme playing)
MAN: Rob could probably melt a face with that voice.
He can melt my face any day.
(lively chattering)
SPAZZ: You wouldn't guess how many times
Slash bailed Axl out.
Or Keith bailed Mick out.
It's our job to step in when the singer screws up.
OULA: It kind of inspired me. Maybe--
Maybe today you can teach me how the dance ought to look.
(Oula and Babymetal band members laughing)
Actually-- Xytrax!
(in Finnish) You won't believe this,
but these girls are from the band you dig, Babymetal.
Xytrax.
(in English) Meet Su-Metal.
Moametal.
Momometal.
Meet Xytrax.
SU-METAL: Nice corpse paint.
We're just talking about Forced Vomit.
They have the best war paints.
That's exactly what you said.
Their demos are so brutal.
The vocals sound like a goat screaming.
That's exactly what you said, too.
I said it sounds like a goat being buried alive.
(yawns)
Is he all right?
He's a bit eccentric,
but definitely a big fan.
(all giggle)
MAN: Hey!
That is not a sausage, sir.
(rock music playing over speakers)
Sorry.
Nice party.
Yeah, I like it when strangers
go through my panties.
I wanted to ask about Fisto.
Just go with it.
He knows his shit.
-It's just-- -You and me...
...we go on that stage for people to gawk at.
They don't care about who we are.
Or even what we play.
Before Fisto showed up,
nobody ever gave a fucking shit about us.
I liked your first albums.
They added fame.
What happens to the bands
who don't do what Fisto says?
Nothing.
They just disappear.
Go straight down the abyss.
One more thing, Turo.
If you ever touch my mic again,
you don't want to hear me get angry.
Capiche?
(inhales gas)
(people chattering)
(in Finnish) Turo, look!
(Oula laughs)
(heavy metal music playing over speakers)
(music stops)
Wow.
That turned out so much better
than I expected.
(in Finnish) Darn it.
(in English) What have you done to our music?
I made it better.
You're very welcome, Xytrax.
You made shit.
That's what people want to hear nowadays.
It's gonna be huge.
I can see and feel it already.
You know, posters, billboards.
"To Die For." The new song from Impaled Rektum.
Our song is called "Prisoner of Flesh."
"To Die For" is what you want it to be.
We won't play that.
It's very simple.
If you don't like it, you can leave.
(in Finnish) Let's go.
I think the sound is okay.
We can't be selfish.
We have to save the slaughterhouse.
And Pekka.
What do you think?
Dad needs me.
We have to play the gig.
You can't leave now, Xytrax.
Could you listen to other people's opinions, for once?
I listen to them. They're just not good.
Just this once.
(Fisto clears throat)
(in English) If the name of the song is the problem,
we can still change it.
I got it. Check it out.
"2 Die 4."
What do you think?
TURO (in Finnish): Wait.
Xytrax.
We don't all want to play for a handful of people.
Do you always have to be so inflexible?
You could make compromises sometimes. Pasi.
Say something.
You're gonna make a fine solo artist, Turo.
(somber theme playing)
Fine, go!
You're a mediocre bass player anyway.
(in English) A sad day for music history.
Behind me, one man's life's work of love.
A unique collection of musical history now lays in ruins.
The culprits behind this massive symphony of destruction
is a Finnish metal band recently escaped from prison.
We have an eye witness at the scene.
Please tell me what you saw here tonight.
I'm the monarch
of the kingdom of the dead.
Infamous butcher.
Angel of death.
DIRK: You heard it here first.
The police is interested in any inform--
(turns off TV)
You know you've made it when people want to kill you.
Well, I guess it's back to prison for us.
Prison? Have you ever seen
a rock star go to prison?
Just forget about it.
I really should be thanking you, yeah.
You simply cannot buy this kind of publicity.
Not cheap anyways.
I tell you.
You're just one concert away
from being the biggest thing in music.
(Rob mumbling deeply)
FISTO: What was that, Rob?
Sounded like an elephant farting.
You should be taking notes from these gentlemen.
They do more than just complain.
They make news.
And maybe you're not just hungry enough anymore.
A lack of desire.
I tell you what.
For this trip,
the entire serving will be done by you.
Taking orders.
Any drinks?
BOTH: No.
-FISTO: Turo? -Yeah?
C'mon. Don't be shy.
What are you gonna have?
Uh... a Coke.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're a star.
Act like one.
Um...
A Coke with ice.
-And? -Uh...
Lemon.
Exactly!
Now, Rob, you go
and get Mr. Turo Starshine here
a Coke with ice and a slice of lemon.
FISTO: C'mon.
Go on, Rob.
(tense theme playing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
TURO: Wait.
You forgot the lemon.
(heavy metal theme plays)
Hey, Xytrax.
Hello.
You need a ride to Wacken?
I'm not going.
Don't you have a gig there?
No, I'm not in the band anymore.
Oh. We feel you.
SU-METAL: You can still come hang out with us.
We're listening to...
(heavy metal music plays)
Angels Necropolis?
Yes. It's the only copy
that survived the purge.
-Have you heard it? -I thought no one has.
-C'mon. -C'mon.
I can't.
Oh. Okay.
-(car engine starts) -See you later.
Yes.
(car departing)
(ominous theme playing)
(in Finnish) Satan.
(heavy metal theme playing)
Blow off some steam.
Shooting a few pucks cheers me up every time.
Okay.
What if I hit the driver?
DRIVER: Don't worry, sir.
Not my first rodeo.
Plexiglas.
Unbreakable.
What the hell?
(in Finnish) Cops!
(grunts)
(tires screeching)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in English) Wake up! Wake up!
(screams)
(grunts)
Where are they?
Don't know.
(in German) There!
MALE COP: Shit!
(all grunt)
(exclaims)
Ah! Ugh!
(grunting)
TURO: Lotvonen!
TURO: Are you okay?
Saturday.
He's good.
OULA: Nope, we're going this way.
TURO: Get in.
Oula, let's go.
(car engine starts)
Are we stealing cars again? Is that it?
What next?
LOTVONEN: A dead body.
On our way to a festival with a dead body in the trunk, again.
He's not in a hurry to go anywhere.
What. Has. Happened. To. You?
Nothing.
Ha!
Someone's gotta take responsibility here.
(dry chuckle) Responsibility? Turo, you just want to play the gig.
You don't care about anyone but yourself.
I've done all the work!
-You've just tagged along. -Ooh, you're welcome!
-OULA (laughs): Uh-huh! -LOTVONEN: Oula.
You wouldn't have gotten anywhere without me.
Oula.
Oula!
TURO: Oula!
(heavy metal theme playing)
(car horn blares)
TURO: Oula, no!
Oula!
Oula, calm down!
LOTVONEN: Oula, listen.
(quietly whistling)
Oula!
Let him go.
The drums will be playback anyway.
TURO: Are you coming?
(insects buzzing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(crowd cheering)
(in English) Hello.
Uh, we are Im...
(band playing heavy metal music in distance)
...potent.
Can't help you with that.
And, uh, we are...
delivering, uh, this dead body.
WORKER: Let's see.
Yup, got it right here.
One backstage corpse for Abbath.
Okay.
(heavy metal guitar playing)
(people chattering)
(in Finnish) Darn it.
(in English) Mr. Mustaine.
Sorry. Not him.
I met him once, though.
-Really? -After a concert.
He just played the best guitar solo I'd ever heard.
It was like a sonic attack on the senses.
I was bleeding from my holes for days.
-Wow. -But it was worth it.
Heh. I met him backstage and I told him
he just played the best goddamn solo that's ever been played.
Know what he told me?
I wrote it down just so I'd never forget.
Made me see the man he really is.
A goddamn genius.
(in Finnish) C'mon, let's go.
(in English) Remember...
don't give a fuck!
Fuck...
(crowd cheering in distance)
I'm going to make it up to you.
Yes, and I know Lars doesn't want to talk to me ever again,
but please, send my love to him and enjoy that fruit basket.
Yeah?
Oh, and James, um, I gotta go.
Huge fan. Love you!
Call you back.
We lost Oula.
No. What a tragedy.
Oh, no.
But you're here, my Turo Starshine.
That's all that matters.
This is your moment.
Your golden ticket.
Personally, I'm so proud of you
you decided to do this concert
and not just take the money.
What?
Oh.
Seriously, you didn't know?
I offered Turo the 50,000
to save your papa's slaughterhouse, farm, whatever.
And of course he said no.
Performing here in Wacken is so much more important.
Yeah? He chose the band.
Very honorable.
(in Finnish) I did it for us.
Uh-oh.
(Lotvonen screaming)
(in Finnish) Darn it!
(in English) Honestly, Turo...
he was holding you back
because you're going places.
And I've got guys lined up for you.
Finest top musicians
who actually appreciate you and your talent.
Unlike your friends.
Turo, my starshine.
I'm so excited to see you perform.
(cell phone ringing)
Sorry.
Lars?
I thought you didn't want to talk to me ever again.
(people chattering)
Fisto.
(in German) Thomas. What are you doing here?
(in German) I'm taking a big risk. I hope you know what you're doing.
Of course.
(in English) Ready when you are.
Thank you. Looks beautiful.
(crowd chanting in distance)
-How do you feel? -Good.
I feel good, too.
You go out there now
and set the crowd on fire.
Always remember, you're a star.
(exclaims)
(crowd cheering)
(dramatic theme playing)
(band playing heavy metal music)
(singing "To Die For")
FISTO: Turo, what's wrong?
I need to go.
I need to go save my friend.
I'll get you new friends.
Even better friends.
C'mon. Please.
Get back out there.
Thanks for the opportunity, but this is more important.
Who the fuck do you think you are, you little fuckface?
Get your shiny little leather ass
back onstage now.
(gagging, coughing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(crowd booing and jeering)
You're gonna pay for what you've done to Armando.
Who's Armando?
-(exclaims) -(all groan)
(grunting)
Ow! Ow!
-(metal snaps) -(Dokken gasps)
(metal clangs)
(heavy metal theme playing)
I would like to go back to prison now.
Fucking bird.
(in Finnish) I came to save you.
We were doing fine on our own.
Guys.
I'm so sorry.
(dramatic theme playing)
I know I screwed up.
I just wanted to do the gig so bad.
It's just so cool to be onstage.
I just wanted everyone to like me.
It wasn't worth it because you weren't there.
It was a shitty gig.
Do you have the money?
-The money? -We still have time to save Dad.
Let's get the money.
Together.
Into the Rektum.
(rumbling)
Oh, Lord.
How many cans do we have to collect?
A hundred and twenty thousand.
I have 16 already.
(man singing heavy metal vocals in distance)
Can you hear that?
OULA: I see.
(singing heavy metal vocals)
(man grunts)
(crowd booing)
Turo found a better way to collect cans.
He just wants attention.
Where you going?
To make a compromise.
(in English) Good luck.
(Dokken yelling and screaming)
(screams)
No one touches Armando!
Madam Dokken.
You and I share
a common interest.
For dead metalheads.
The cage is open, but they locked the door!
(speaks indistinctly)
(playing heavy metal guitar)
(in Finnish) Nice solo.
It had a little bit of Necrofilius Christ Puncher's scales,
but mostly it was original.
I don't care what you think of it.
-This was just for me. -That's the way.
You came.
We came to save the farm.
That's all.
Right.
OULA: It looked like you needed us.
Where did you get the instruments?
These are from Xytrax's new favorite band.
Well, it's not my favorite band.
They're number seven on my list, between Goreyhole and Vominatrix.
But they might move up when their new record comes out.
Let's play the most brutal gig in the world.
(in English) We are Impaled Rektum.
And we are here to play
symphonic-postapocalyptic- reindeer-grinding--
For Armando!
Lotvonen!
FISTO: Boom.
(laughs) What a tragedy.
We better stock up on the merch now.
They're going to make a killing.
(Fisto laughs)
What? What's with you,
sour face gargoyle?
(vocalizes indistinctly)
You know I can't understand
you fucking murmuring.
Suck your pipe, yeah.
(vocalizing indistinctly)
You tell him, Rob.
FISTO: That's it, yeah?
Nice speech, Chewbacca.
Whatever.
Now, piss off.
Or you might get shot next.
(roaring)
(skin liquifying)
Shit.
(in Finnish) No.
(breathing)
Lotvonen!
(grunts)
Are you all right?
I'm okay.
-I just have a little headache. -(skin squishes)
(all gasp)
-Does it look bad? -OULA: Yeah... No...
A bullet went through your head.
There's a nasty-looking hole.
Oh.
Darn it.
(light metal theme playing)
Yeah, well,
I guess it didn't hit anything important.
You might want to put a bandage on it anyway.
You saved me.
It's the guitarist's job.
(clanging in distance)
(keys rattling in distance)
(footsteps approaching)
(somber church organ theme playing)
(sighs)
WARDEN (in English): It's time.
(somber theme continues)
(crowd cheering)
INMATE 1: The guitarist got shot in the head
in the middle of the gig, and he got up,
and he played the concert anyway.
He's a legend.
That's a lousy shot.
I was aiming for the other guy.
(warden laughs)
(warden vocalizes)
(in Norwegian) People commit all kinds of crimes just so they can see the show.
It's great.
(yells)
(band playing heavy metal music)
(in English) We are Impaled Rektum,
and we are here to play symphonic-postapocalyptic-
reindeer-grinding- Christ-abusing-extreme-war-
pagan-Fennoscandic metal!
♪ Yeah! ♪
(heavy metal song continues)
(Turo singing "Prisoner of Flesh" )
(music stops)
(sighs)
(in Finnish) Pekka!
Come down from your throne, King.
There are so many holes that need to be filled!
Keep your pants on.
I'll fill my missus's holes.
All is well in the kingdom.
(heavy metal music playing)
(playing "In Death's Embrace")