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Good morning, residents of Los Angeles.
Hi, I'm Ry.
First, I wanna say I'm really excited about this contest.
This is what I've always wanted.
Computer on.
A little bit about myself.
I live in LA.
I guess it'd be cool if that mattered.
Here's what can kill you today.
Downtown is experiencing deadly heat.
The west side is experiencing deadly cold.
As always, please do not leave your home.
Like everyone else, I have a job.
I enjoy a good challenge.
As for hobbies, I like to cook.
Ah.
I love to eat.
And I get some pretty sick views
out of my window.
But I spend most of my time and money on CNKTR.
If I'm being real, it's the thing I want most in life.
I wanna find the one-
Hi, I'm Dallas from CNKTR.
Do you wanna live life like you've never lived life-
No. Let me change that.
I need to find the one.
Good morning residents of Los Angeles.
Hi, I'm Ria.
Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing this.
What are the odds of me winning? One in a trillion?
A little about me. I live in LA.
I just love all the beach and sun.
Computer on.
Here's what can kill you today.
Downtown is experiencing deadly-
I am Deputy Vice Director
of software development at Voyanox.
Yup. That Voyanox.
One of the biggest companies in the world.
You could say I have a dream job.
Sure, I'll do it,
even though it's your job
and then you'll probably get promoted before me, fuckhead.
One thing I do love
is being a mom to my beautiful babies.
I have Sandy, Andy, Cornelius, and Todd.
Yes, I'm talking about my plants.
Don't judge me.
So why am I entering this contest
if my life seems so perfect?
Well, if I'm being honest,
I'd say something's missing-
Hey, do you wanna live life the way people used to?
I need a change.
Now it's time to answer the prods.
Prod number one.
The last time I truly connected with someone was,
well, I thought I connected with someone a while ago,
but it didn't work out.
Hey, do you ever think about meeting someone?
In person?
I haven't found that spark since then.
The last time I connected with someone?
Is it controversial to say
that connecting is a little bit unnecessary?
I'm perfectly fine on my own, thank you. Next question.
Prod number two.
I think I should be chosen for this contest because,
well, finding the one would give my life real meaning.
I could finally have someone to share my life with.
Why should I be chosen for this contest?
Because I want to win,
and I'll do whatever it takes.
Yeah, I mean, I could hardly believe it myself.
Prod number three.
I'll know I've connected with someone when,
I don't know, when she connects with me too.
That's so funny.
Well, I mean, it's true.
You're funny.
Right?
Ah....
Hey, you know,
I think this is actually going pretty well.
Do you wanna maybe keep doing this
like, everyday?
You know, as boyfriend slash girlfriend or something?
Well?
Ry, we just met.
That's a lot to put on someone you just met.
Oh no.
We could be friends though?
Do you wanna be friends?
Yeah...
Okay, bye.
You can ignore me,
but you can't escape me, alright?
Because, why would you want to?
We have the opportunity of a lifetime.
If you miss it, oof.
It's not coming back, baby.
That's right.
You could win our first ever true love contest.
You get to spend three full days in an actual house,
just like the old days!
And you won't be alone,
because one other person
selected by our state of the art algorithm will join you.
If you prove to be truly compatible with this other person,
you get to live in that house forever.
So what are you waiting for. Who knows?
You might just meet the one.
So that's my story.
And if I win this contest and do meet the one,
I know this sounds cheesy,
but I think my life will be complete.
So let's do this.
Bro. She said that?
Yeah, and I thought that things were going well.
Bro, that sucks.
But there's still a lot of lovely ladies out there.
Yeah, I just don't why it keeps happening to me though.
What am I doing wrong?
Speaking of ladies, you check out that link I sent?
I can't stop watching it.
And you know what else I do?
Hey, Culver?
Yeah, Ry Ry?
Can we switch off friend mode?
What? No. Friends talk about jacking it.
I need counselor mode tonight.
Oh.
Very well.
The link I sent. Do you plan on masturbating to it?
You're still talking about that?
Sexual release is very important for mental health, Ry.
Well, I think I've been doing just fine without it.
Very well. Let's talk about your loneliness.
Whoa. Loneliness?
I'm not lonely. I'm just trying to find the one.
There's more to life, Ry.
Why not try seeking a non-romantic connection?
Well, I have you.
Non-romantic and non-paid.
Wait, weren't you just telling me
to look for other ladies?
Well, what I said or did not say
during friend mode is immaterial.
You wanted to know what's wrong? Here it is.
You're seeking external fixes instead of looking inside.
Can you truly find the one
if you haven't found yourself?
Can we switch back to friend mode?
Oh, that's time.
Oh, check out that porn though, brah.
Cheer up, Ry!
Hi, Ria. Counselor mode or friend mode today?
You're entering the contest.
Ria, I am so proud of you.
So what caused this change?
Change?
You starting to look for people.
By entering the contest, I'm assuming that means
this is the start of a new journey.
Oh, sure.
You are doing this to meet people, correct?
That is one of the requirements.
Ria, I'm gonna switch to friend mode for a moment.
Okay.
What is your problem, bitch?
Excuse me?
You're really only entering this contest
to win a fucking house?
Hey, I tried to get one the regular way.
But clearly, I'm not getting a promotion anytime soon, so.
Is that all that fucking matters to you?
A god damn promotion and a motherfucking house?
Now you're just getting abusive.
Fine. Counselor mode it is.
Ria.
If you're selected for this contest,
will you at least give the person a chance?
I will be so nice to him.
But you know how I feel about relationships.
You need connection.
No house or job or plant
will be satisfying if you are totally and completely alone.
Oh, and that's time.
So in conclusion, I really think this contest
will give me what I need.
Yeah. Right.
Congratulations, Ria, you've been selected.
Ugh
Wait.
Did you say my name?
Of course I did. You know why?
Because you've been selected to be our first participant
in the contest.
I know what you're thinking.
Can I meet this other selectee?
No.
We want it to be like the old days
when people met first in person.
Also, that's gonna help you win the contest.
And I really, really want you to win.
So let your imagination run wild
and soon it will become reality.
Holy-
Tell me, how did you two meet?
I met Olympia-
On CNKTR.
She had this profile and it was all about knitting.
I love knitting.
And I had this profile and it was also all about knitting.
Lowell loves knitting.
So I knitted her a sweater.
And I knitted him a sweater.
And that was it.
We've been together for 12 years.
So, how often do you see each other?
See each other? Like, in person?
We've never met in person.
Here's what can kill you today.
North Hollywood is experiencing acid rain.
East Hollywood is experiencing acid air.
As always, please do not-
Ria, today's the day.
You cannot keep doing that.
Head on over to the door and open it up.
Do I really have to wear this helmet?
Potentially, but probably not.
The human shipping injury rate's only one in 14.
Oh.
Wait.
Welcome aboard, Ry.
Are you ready for the weekend of your dreams?
Hell yeah.
Better be.
Great. Strap in. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Oh!
Oh my god!
Ah!
I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.
You are now outside.
Outside?
No, don't worry.
Those sounds are perfectly normal.
Just sit back, relax.
It's all gonna be a little bit longer.
Approximately two hours.
Two hours? What if I need to pee?
Ah!
Get excited. It's that time.
Just remember to relax.
Have fun. And do not mess this up.
'Cause this is really, really important to me.
And you.
Thank you for choosing Personship Shipping.
- Oh! - Oh.
Oh fuck!
Uh.
Hi.
I'm, uh. I'm Ry.
Ria.
Oh.
What are you doing with your hand?
Oh, it's a handshake.
What is a hand shake?
You grab a person's hand and shake it.
It's what people used to do back in the day.
I researched.
Really?
Grabbing someone's hand as a sign of what, that you met?
Uh.
Guess when you put it that way,
it does sound kind of stupid.
What the hell.
Hey there, lovebirds.
Did I surprise you?
Well, that's weird.
You should be used to me by now.
You're here now too?
Yeah. Are you gonna be here the whole time?
Well, only if you want me to be.
I mean, you want me to be?
We don't.
Okay, fine. Whatever helps you win the contest.
Well, telling us how we can win this contest
will help us win the contest.
Yes, exactly!
The contest is designed to simulate
the start of a beautiful relationship.
The kind you'd have like, back in the old days.
So we've curated some old fashioned experiences
for you to do together.
And during each experience,
you'll accumulate compatibility points
to the CNKTR app, which will be on your phone.
It's gonna track your mood, your status,
your vital signs, stuff like that.
Yeah. But-
And if you get a hundred points,
you get this house and each other's company forever!
I mean, what more could you possibly want?
Maybe, I don't know, a live elephant
or your father's unconditional love.
Anyway, that's the contest.
On the living room table,
you'll find all the instructions you could possibly need.
Best of luck.
I really mean that. Please.
Uh. Pft.
Talk about complicated, am I right?
This should help.
Okay.
Let's see.
"Hey there, lovebirds."
Jesus. Did he write this too?
Yeah. Well at least he's not here.
But shouldn't we slow down for a second?
I feel like if we slow down, he's gonna come back.
All right, here's what's first.
Day one, experience one.
A coffee date.
Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah.
What's a coffee date?
Alright.
A coffee date is a quick get to know you
over a tasty beverage people once consumed for energy,
but now is unnecessary due to our caffeinated cake food.
Normally you'd start with small talk,
but since you're probably bad at small talk, we have prods.
Why don't we do our own small talk?
I feel like I'm good at it.
Okay. So.
Uh. Okay, so.
Ry, do you wanna blow it?
Didn't think so.
Okay. Prod number one.
"My name is."
Now, these prods are stupid.
Okay. Proceed with your own small talk.
Um. Well, can I first mention how weird this all is?
Oh my God, this is so weird.
Like, I have an actual person in person
right in front of me.
I can't even remember the last time
I saw an actual person in person.
Me too. It's kind of exciting.
It's also kind of terrifying.
Do I scare you, Ry?
No.
No. I mean, not you specifically, but just this-.
- I'm kidding. - Whole.
Okay. Wow.
I don't think we could win this house if I scared you.
Yeah, well, we wouldn't want that to happen.
I mean, I am here for the house.
Wait, really?
No, I mean, this house is amazing.
It's so fucking amazing.
I've never even been in a house before.
I used to live in a house.
It was the most beautiful thing.
But I'm here to meet the one.
I've been looking for the one for a really long time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's a lot to put on a person you just met.
Especially when you haven't seen an actual person
in person in forever.
Shit, you're right. I blew it.
You did. Big time.
But you know,
I'm assuming we're both here to meet someone, right?
Actually, I'm just here for the coffee.
Wow. Is it really that bad?
It's so bad.
Well, they're similar names.
Right, right. Well actually my name's not even Ry.
It's Rainier Yosemite
after my parents two favorite places.
Back when you could go to places.
Mount Rainier and Yosemite National Park. Right?
That just became RY and then RY just became Ry.
Oh, so you're named after a place too?
Too? What's Ria?
Short for Victoria, Australia.
That's where my parents were born.
Australia. Okay. So that's why you talk like that.
Why do you think I talk like this?
You were bored.
Well, I'm not bored now, but-
Hey there, love drinkers.
Jesus.
Are you watching us?
I'm just here to say, it's time to get your scores,
which you can get on the CNKTR app.
Good luck.
Well, that was a coffee date.
Yeah. Well, do you think we nailed it?
Well, I definitely nailed it.
Let's see if you held up your end of the bargain.
"Held up my end of the bargain" is my middle name.
Your middle name is Yosemite.
Shit, you remembered.
I could never forget a Yosemite.
Okay, now get out your phone.
Alright, alright.
Lets check the scores.
Okay.
I have no idea what that means.
Hey, I should clarify.
While I'm not watching you,
I am watching your scores
and 21 is great.
Aw, with six total planned experiences,
you guys are already ahead of pace to get 100.
So don't mess it up, okay.
Are you ever gonna tell us why you care so much?
It's not Important. Bye.
Wow. We did good.
Well, I guess that means we're pretty compatible.
Yeah, but we are not done yet.
Okay. Well, tell me what's next, Victoria Australia.
Cooking dinner.
With real food?
Yeah. I've always wanted to cook for real.
Really?
Yeah. You know, it just seems fulfilling.
Okay. Well you enjoy cooking dinner
and I am gonna go check out
the rest of my future house. K, bye.
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. Come on.
You can't just let me do this alone.
You look plenty capable.
Fine. How can I help chef Ry?
Ah, so how long have you been on CNKTR?
That's a personal question.
Well, this is a personal situation.
How long have you been on CNKTR?
Hey, I asked first.
Not long.
Really? Wait, well,
how have you been meeting people?
At work.
Work?
Yeah. Hey, I am a workaholic.
Can't you tell from all of the work that I'm doing?
Yeah, I guess so.
And actually, I think we're done.
Wow.
So, what do you do for work?
Oh, hey there, love chefs.
Hope your meal's ready,
'cause it's time to check your score again.
But we haven't even tried the food yet.
Are you here to eat or are you here to win?
Then hit that calculate button.
All right, here we go again.
Yup. Okay. Let's see.
Is that good?
It's even better than last time.
Oh, well, like I said, compatible.
Uh huh...
But is the food good, Chef Ry?
Oh, okay.
I volunteer as guinea pig.
I mean, what if it's like the coffee?
What, is it bad?
Oh my God.
It's real food.
- Hey. - Oh, it's so crunchy.
Let me try. Whoa.
Holy moly.
I've never tried crunchy stuff-
But before we eat the food,
we have to prepare for the next experience.
Day one, experience three, our first real dinner date.
But don't rush into it.
You want to look your best.
And moving too fast might make the whole thing fall apart.
What happened to your face?
This is exactly how they used to do makeup
back in the day.
Oh, well, you know,
I think you actually look kind of great.
Oh, thank you.
You actually kind of look great too.
Except for your torn up face.
Uh. Well, you should see the shaver that did this to me.
Wait, what's that on your leg?
Nothing.
Let's go date.
Well, I, oh, oh, okay. Okay. Okay.
We ate so much real food.
We did.
Are we supposed to be talking?
In addition to eating?
Okay. Lemme check.
Ah.
Yes.
Ah, okay. Well-
Deputy vice director of software development at Voyanox.
You asked what I do.
That's it.
Oh, whoa.
What?
You know, Voyanox is huge.
And software development? That's pretty cool, and-
Deputy vice director? That sounds really important.
Yeah.
You're like, a huge success.
Yeah.
You don't think so?
I'm trying.
I'm not where I wanna be in the company.
I mean, you'll get there
and you're clearly smart and driven
and I'm sure you're great to work with.
And you know what? If if they don't see that,
then you can tell 'em to fuck off
and you could probably kill it somewhere else.
I know you would.
You don't just leave a company like Voyanox.
Well, what do you like about it there?
Um.
You know what? I think that is enough sharing
for our first real dinner date.
Ugh. Okay.
So do we get our scores now?
It's optional.
What's the other option?
Keep the night going.
Are we supposed to be talking here too?
I thought the details of my job
blew your mind so much
that you couldn't handle anymore talking.
You're right. I'm still picking up the pieces.
Of, you know, my blown mind.
Right. Get it.
Oh, I got it.
In fact, here's another piece. You missed it.
Oh, is that right?
You're right. We should talk.
When was the last time you were on a date?
Never.
Never?
I'm a workaholic, remember?
When was the last time you were on a date?
When have I ever not been on a date?
Really? Then why are you still single?
Oh, sorry. I didn't meant to say that.
And, I guess this is why I don't date, huh?
No, you know what? Uh.
Fuck it, I'll tell this story.
Her name was Tulsa.
We had been dating virtually for about two months.
I know that's not that long.
And people go years or sometimes forever.
But I wanted to be different.
I really thought she was the one.
So I wanted to make a grand gesture.
I saved up three paychecks and I shipped myself to her.
Wow. That's bold and expensive.
So when I got in my shipping box,
I was video chatting with her.
She was acting weird and saying she wasn't sure about it.
And then when I got to her door,
she said that she couldn't do it anymore.
And she ended the chat. And then she blocked me.
I had to call customer service.
I was stuck in that box for six hours.
Never heard from her again.
Wow. That really sucks.
Yeah. Yeah, it did.
But it's also kind of funny.
What?
You were stuck in a box for six hours.
You can't give me that image and expect me not to laugh.
Uh. Yeah. I mean, I guess it is pretty funny.
You know, probably got a lot of frequent shipper miles.
What would you have done if you had gotten there?
Would you have-
No. Uh
No, I mean, I don't even think that it-
Same.
So what would you have done?
Uh.
Talked like we are,
ate like we did
and uh,
I always imagined a hug.
A hug?
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I haven't hugged anyone since my parents.
And even then it's been like, I dunno, 13 years.
Yeah. Same.
And those hugs were pretty cold.
Do you wanna hug right now?
Are you serious?
Well, why not? It might improve our score.
Yeah, you're right. Our score.
Oh.
Are we really doing this?
Shut up and just go with it.
Whoa.
Is it good?
It's really good.
It's so good, right. Oh my God.
Oh.
Hug me.
I am hugging you.
Hug me harder.
Oh.
I don't think I can go much longer.
Don't stop.
Yeah. Whoa.
Should we check our score?
Yeah.
Tell us your story. How did you meet?
Sam and I met-
Before the world went to hell.
It was only part way to hell.
Remember safe hours?
Once we stayed out after safe hours.
We were a hot couple.
Gross
And then when we got promotions,
we actually moved into this huge place.
It has rooms, plural.
We did a lot in these rooms.
Ew. Seriously.
It was so much space. Until we had Alex.
We love Alex so much.
And we love the fact that Alex's ass
moves out once school is over.
Don't say that.
Fine. We do love that fact.
I am right here.
Of course you are.
Where else would you be?
Good morning, resident of
Los Angeles outer reaches.
Lancaster is on fire.
Palmdale is underwater.
Please do not leave your home.
Hey.
Do you want breakfast?
Sure.
Maybe toast?
Why are you being so awkward?
Oh, sorry. It's on the schedule.
What?
Awkward morning after talk.
It is not on the schedule.
Well shit.
That coffee date was pretty good.
Yeah. Best one ever.
That dinner too. You know. Quite the chef.
Yeah.
Best chef ever.
That hug was super amazing.
Oh my God. That hug was fucking amazing.
It was better than I imagined.
I'd do it again.
Me too.
Not right now though.
Oh, yeah. Definitely not now.
Man, can I just say, I just,
I really feel like something amazing is happening here.
Right?
You know, there's so much that we've gone through
just in this one day.
I feel like-
Ry.
Something is happening.
You know, I know that,
I know it's only been one day,
but you know, it's whole other life-
I don't wanna be in a relationship.
Oh yeah. Me neither.
No, really.
I mean it.
What?
I know this is weird
because things are going really well here.
It's just, I had to say it now.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Why does this keep happening to me?
Ry, it's not you. I just don't want one at all.
That actually is pretty funny.
Ry.
Why are you even here?
The coffee.
Fine.
I'm here to win the house.
I lived in a house when I was a little kid,
but we lost it when my parents split up.
And then I saw this contest and I thought, why not?
Even if it means I have to live with a random guy
for the rest of my life.
No offense.
Yeah, and you decided not to tell that random guy
until now.
I wanted to.
I don't like to lie,
but yesterday, when I saw an actual other person
and we were having such a good time.
Yeah, we were.
Was that hug even real?
Yes, it was.
And it was really good.
It was amazing.
Ry, I understand if you don't wanna talk to me
or see me for the rest of the weekend,
but I had a really good time and I know you did too.
And it's not like you live in some palace either.
So maybe if you want,
we could band together and try to win this house.
I don't know. It's all up to you.
Good job making the awkward morning after talk awkward.
Ry
Why don't you want a relationship?
Because people always let you down.
Well, opposed to your job, which is going great.
Hey, I'm trying.
Besides, why does everyone have to be with somebody?
Why can't I just be really successful?
Get the promotion I deserve.
Use that money to buy a house
and take really good care of my-
Fuck! My plants!
What? Ria.
I forgot my plants.
Ria, your plants are fine.
What?
Yeah. I saw them yesterday
before your shipping box went away.
So I set them up here and gave them water.
Sorry I forgot to tell you.
I wanted it to be a-
Whoa.
Wait. You gave them water?
Yeah.
How much?
Enough?
No, no, no, no, no.
What did you do?
I thought I was helping.
Well, clearly you weren't.
Ugh.
You know, I got them out of the shipping box.
Right. Because I fucked up.
Because I'm a fuck up.
But you could've told me,
instead of trying to make it into another grand gesture.
How can I fix this?
Oh, I don't know, Ry.
Can you go back in time
and find someone else for this contest
who's not gonna drown my plants
and then drown me in relationship talk.
Hey there. Is everything okay here?
You know, you should have checked your scores by now and-
You can get your score later. Yeah.
Oh, hey. Hey Ry.
Hey. This is an important-
Ria! Ria!
Okay. You need-
Shit.
Ry Ry.
Hey Culver.
You've literally never called me
outside of your work-sanctioned time slot.
I need to talk.
It's uh, it's pretty late, bro.
But I will give you five minutes.
Whoa.
You really did fuck up.
Wait, I thought you were on counselor mode.
I am. That's how much you fucked up.
Do I just leave?
Do you wanna?
Oh, good.
Because if you said yes, I was gonna have to kill you.
But what's the point if he wants something that I don't?
And she wants something that I don't.
The fucking point, Ria?
I'll tell you the point.
And look, I mean, I'll show you how serious I am.
Hang on a second.
You were having fun. Yes?
Yeah.
And you were connecting, right?
I mean, I guess we were.
Then keep going.
Keep connecting.
Keep learning about yourself in the process.
You never know where it's gonna lead you.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah!
That was a very
uncharacteristically enthusiastic yeah, Ria.
By connecting with her, I'll make her come around.
No, bruh, no.
I'm gonna make him drop the whole relationship thing.
Oh no, no. Ria, that's not what I meant.
This is great, Culver.
Ry.
Tomorrow, it's happening.
Ria-
I hear the two of you share an apartment.
I used to live in a house.
Here we go.
What?
I did.
Wait till you hear how it was really big.
867 square feet.
Then I was cheated on.
Turns out that piece of shit had another house.
953 square feet.
I've never lived in a house.
But then I met Ojai here.
A studio's perfect.
You got a bed, a desk,
a counter, a window.
What more do you need?
Now I live in 154 square feet
with another person.
But, the important thing is, I'm happy.
I'm actually the happiest I've ever been.
Actually, me too.
I do miss that house though.
Good morning, resident of
Los Angeles Outer Reaches.
Highland Park is experiencing locust swarms.
Silver Lake is just gone.
As always, do not leave your home.
Hi.
I'm sorry about your plants.
It's okay. They might survive.
I'm sorry for not telling you
that I didn't wanna be in a relationship.
It's okay. I might survive.
Where's Dallas when you need him?
"Hey there, lovebirds."
"You ruined everything,
but please keep doing the contest."
So, are you still in this contest?
Are you still in the contest?
I mean, I can stay.
Me too.
Okay.
We should probably check our scores then.
Gotta see where we are.
If we can get to 84 by day one-
We could definitely get to a hundred today.
Right?
We went down?
I didn't even know that was possible.
Yo. Hey there, lovebirds.
- Whoa! - What in the fuck?
This is nice.
Well, sorta nice.
Blorp me, Zorg.
So, I guess I owe you guys an explanation.
Yeah. Like 20.
Okay. Uh.
I...
Oh, god.
I want my dad to love me.
How's that an explanation?
Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. Context.
My dad is the CEO of CNKTR.
My boss.
Okay...
Well, he's never taken me seriously. Ever.
So finally I go in his office and I say,
"Dad, I've got this idea to take CNKTR to the next level."
'Cause we connect people online.
Why don't we connect people in person?
He said I'm an idiot.
And then I went out and cried a bunch.
And then I reminded him that I'm his only son.
So he let me launch it as a pilot program.
And that's-
That's supposed to get him to love you?
Yeah, maybe.
But if I fail, then I have to leave the company
and I get totally cut off, and uh.
Then it's, um, over.
Yeah.
Why don't you rig it so that we win?
No, he would know.
Yeah. He would know,
then he would think I'm even more of an idiot
than he already thinks,
which is,
I don't know if that's even possible.
That's a lot of idiot.
But you're allowed to come here?
But I'm allowed to come here and help you guys.
Yes, exactly.
So long as you guys are actually genuinely connecting
to get to a hundred points,
which, oh my god, you guys are doing really bad.
What?
We know.
I don't get it? You were doing so well. What happened?
No, no, no. Don't tell me.
You got it figured out.
None of my business. I'll just...
We figured it out.
Yeah, totally.
Great.
We just need to do one more big grand experience
to take us there.
A wedding.
A wedding?
Not like, legally binding though.
Yeah. I don't wanna question your methods,
but how does a wedding even make sense right now?
It doesn't, unless you think about
all the emotions you're gonna be feeling.
And according to our compatibility tech,
emotions equal points.
You guys, you guys need a lot of points
because you really messed up somehow.
I just don't get what happened.
- You we're going so- - But didn't you say
that if we moved too fast,
that would put things in jeopardy?
Let's not get hung up on who said what
and focus on the fact that this is an emergency.
Yeah.
Yeah what?
Let's do it.
Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Traditionally, the bride and groom
don't see each other beforehand,
but since separating you isn't gonna help your score,
we're gonna do something a little different.
This is quite the experience, huh?
Decorating our own wedding?
I just think Dallas didn't wanna do any work.
No. Just this whole thing.
It's interesting.
I don't know what you're talking about, Ry.
This is how I always pictured my wedding.
You really never thought about getting married?
No, not really.
Not even as a little kid?
I'm supposed to, because I'm a girl.
No, because you're a person.
My parents were...
Yeah, you don't need to hear the story.
Well, maybe telling this story
will make us more compatible.
Fine.
My parents despised being together.
They always told me, "People will always let you down."
But I didn't listen to them. Not at first.
I got a job at Voyanox right out of college.
Being a young woman in a company like that,
it was overwhelming.
But there was this guy, Eli.
He was really nice.
He started around the same time as me.
He was friendly, supportive, there for me.
I felt like we were friends. Maybe more than that?
He would listen whenever I had frustrations,
and I had a lot of frustrations.
And then one day a job opened up above us
and he told me that he wasn't going to apply
and that I should apply.
That I deserved it.
And that I was way more qualified than him.
And apparently he showed all my messages to our boss.
All the ones where I was complaining.
So he got promoted and I got stuck.
So yeah,
I did let someone in
and look where it got me.
Alright, who's ready
for the happiest day in their lives?
Lotta- what the hell's going on in here?
Is there a gas in here?
Whatever. No time for that crap.
You need to write your vows.
What in the hell are vows?
Vows are where you express your love
for the other person.
Love?
Love, like, tolerance.
It's all the same. Just write nice things.
You think this can support my weight?
I'm just kidding.
All right, now's the time.
Uh, first, we'd like to say thank you
to our esteemed guests and witnesses.
Hi, I'm Culver, Ry's counselor.
Hi, I'm Ash, Ria's counselor.
Ria, you can enter now.
♪ Wedding day ♪
♪ It's the day of the wedding day ♪
♪ She's coming on down the chute ♪
♪ She's walking with those nice little shoes ♪
♪ And he's all ready to say yes ♪
♪ And she's wearing that dress ♪
♪ Its what we call the ♪
♪ W-E double double D-I-N-G ♪
Ria, you look amazing.
Thank you.
Are you sure you wanna go through with this?
Ry Ry.
You sure you wanna do this, bro?
Shut up. Do not, I can shut you down.
Well, just, uhhh! Okay?
Hey everybody. Hi.
So this is a wedding.
Uh huh.
I've never officiated wedding before.
Real or fake, but I do know this.
We are here to celebrate two people's love.
We'll make this quick.
Back in the old days,
the only be reason people would go to a wedding
is for the free alcohol, so.
We'll just get right to the vows.
Ria, you're first.
Me?
It's alphabetical order. It's just kind of how they-
Like in the old days, right.
Okay.
Ry,
when I first got here, I didn't really care about you.
You were just some guy who was gonna help me win.
Oh, but then I got to know you.
I actually enjoyed talking to you
and experiencing things with you
and listening to your jokes.
Some of them.
Then there was that hug.
Hug?
You challenge me, Ry, in a good way.
You look at things in ways I don't.
You make me think about things I never did.
These past three days have been the happiest I've ever been.
I hope I...
I hope we win this contest.
Great. Really good.
Now, over to you, Ry.
Ria.
I've been looking for someone for as long as I can remember.
And then I saw you.
And from that moment, I knew you were special.
You saw the world differently, you questioned everything,
and you were so fun.
From our coffee day to our dinner to that hug,
which was really, really, really amazing.
What's with this hug?
I've enjoyed every minute.
I've had the time of my life,
and I wanna keep having the time of my life.
Ria, I truly think you might be the one.
Great.
Oh you're done, right? Okay.
That was really great.
Okay, now I get to the best part.
Please join hands.
Ry, do you take Ria
to be the person that you will live in this house with
forever?
Unless you sell it, or-
I do.
You do. Okay.
Ria, do you take Ry to be the person that you'll live with
in this house forever,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, you know?
Yeah, I do.
Amazing. Okay.
And now it's the part where we see if anyone objects,
but given there's only two witnesses,
I highly doubt any-
Wait.
Wait?
What's happening?
You just said I might be the one.
It's a fake wedding.
I was just saying what I thought I was supposed to.
Really, Ry?
You're totally fine with just staying in this house
with no relationship?
What, no relationship?
Is this really the best time to get into this?
- Yes. - Get into it.
Ry, I don't think you're gonna be okay
with this arrangement.
You literally only care about finding the one.
What? That's not true.
Name one other thing.
Cooking.
Did you ever actually cook before two days ago?
Right. It's all about me,
and not because you're too scared.
Oh, fine.
Let's go through with this.
I unobject.
Okay, great.
I now pronounce you-
Well, now I object.
Oh, come on.
People will always let you down.
That's the philosophy that you live your life by?
Well, have I been wrong?
Look at you right now.
You're the one who objected!
After you called me the one.
That's because I-
You just run full speed at everyone, don't you?
Look at Tulsa.
She showed no interest in seeing you in person,
yet you shipped yourself to her anyway.
And then when you saw me, you just couldn't help yourself.
You even drowned my plants
because you didn't know when to stop.
I said I was sorry, okay?
Okay. Is that it?
But lemme just say something.
Damn it!
At least I run to things instead of away from them.
And I'm sorry about your parents, and I'm sorry about Eli.
But you can't just hide behind these experiences
and never do anything ever.
I hide?
You clearly hate your job.
Why don't you do something else?
I don't wanna do something else.
I wanna be appreciated for what I already do.
Then leave.
What would happen if you even tried
to look outside the company?
What would happen if you did literally anything
outside of trying to find the one?
Am I really the one,
or am I just the only one left willing to still talk to you?
Do you really like this house, huh?
Or is it just something to distract you
from the emptiness of your repetitive life?
Well, sorry for trying to fill it!
What do you think I'm trying to do?
That was some great personal work.
Fucking did it, bro.
Maybe want take a little break, huh?
Shut the fuck up, Dallas!
So that's all this is, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
That's it. Get the fuck out!
You have 30 minutes to vacate the premises
or you will be arrested.
What?
Guess my dad's never gonna love me now.
Do not attempt to hide.
Your net worth will be cut in half
every minute past the deadline.
Please leave all Old Days clothing behind.
It will be sanitized and then burned.
What about the rest?
They didn't make it.
I'm sorry.
So this is it?
Why wouldn't it be?
Why don't you tell us
how you and Cooper met?
Cooper and I met on CNKTR.
It was after my first husband and I split up.
Some younger ladies at work told me to sign up.
I refused.
But they did it for me anyway.
And one day before you knew it,
this man was sending me nudes.
It wasn't unsolicited on his part.
My colleagues put in my profile,
"Please send nudes."
He had some good nudes and a good personality,
but he was a little irresponsible.
He'd be late to our dates.
He'd skip work sometimes.
He was always eating too many pizza cakes
and then exercising too hard
to make up for it.
He'd get hurt all the time.
And it did make for good nudes though.
But it also meant it took him a while
to save up the money to come see me.
When he did, I was so excited.
His drone crashed into a wall
and his shipping box fell 200 feet
onto an abandoned parking lot.
He wasn't wearing his helmet.
They say he didn't feel anything, but I felt it.
Still do.
At least I still have those nudes!
Good morning, resident of Los Angeles.
Everything's just fucked.
Computer on.
Finding the one is literally all you care about.
Name one other thing.
You know, if your job's not giving you what you want,
you should just tell them to fuck off
and kill it somewhere else.
Shut up.
And put down my plant.
What would happen
if you did literally anything
that wasn't related to finding the one?
What would happen if you tried to look
outside the company?
Okay, fine.
No, no.
I can't believe they actually promoted that guy.
I can't believe they didn't make him CEO.
You know, my company is small,
but we're mighty and we're gonna be expanding soon.
That is awesome. Congratulations.
But you're at Voyanox and Voyanox is a big company
and we can't compete with Voyanox,
but a girl could dream, right?
Yeah. A girl can dream.
Oh God. I'm sorry. I gotta go.
I gotta put out a fire.
Startup life. Am I right?
Well, don't forget about us though.
No more CNKTR?
Guess not.
I don't even know who you are anymore, man.
And I love it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ria, you've dropped your obsession with success
and are finally going after something more fulfilling.
Yeah, I guess so.
Did you check out that link?
Again with the masturbation stuff?
It's a recipe.
I figured I'd send some inspiration your way.
It's in your messages.
Oh, cool. Thanks.
You know it's funny,
I think our work here might be done.
It is?
Oh, no, no. Not even close.
But for the first time in forever,
I feel like we're making progress.
Wait, what mode is this?
No modes, Ria. This is just me.
This, it's Culver, your actual friend.
You know what, I'm gonna go check out that link.
Enjoy that cooking, bro.
I don't know how to cook.
Shit, wrong link.
Hi, sir.
Ria, I'm gonna level with you. I'm not very happy.
With me?
With you, with my life, with my marriage.
But right now we're talkin' about you.
I thought-
What? You thought we were giving you a promotion?
Of course you thought we're giving you a promotion.
Now look, I wanna be honest with you,
my bosses are swimming around my ass
over the fact that you're looking for a job
outside of this company.
Well-
Which is why we are giving you a promotion.
How does VP of Undersight sound?
Wow.
Oh, sorry, what's undersight?
It works under the VP of oversight.
Now look, this is gonna be a huge step up
in your responsibility, okay?
Your duties will increase,
and my bosses will be swimming around your ass too.
Swimming?
But you'll have an impressive title.
Your salary will be moderately higher,
and I think you'll really enjoy the house.
So when you say swimming, do you...
Did you just say house?
Yes. Yes.
We're throwing in a house as a token of our appreciation
for you not leaving the company
and making us look bad.
You're giving me a house?
Yes, yes. It's a dream come true. Okay?
And you're gonna be just as happy as I am.
But I thought you said you weren't happy.
How can I not be happy?
I have a house, okay?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go.
My bosses are swimming again, around my ass.
Soon you're gonna be getting a shipping box
and you can tour your new place.
Congratulations on your success.
Sorry.
Does that mean I start when-
They're swimming!
Oh my gosh.
We-
Did you hear that?
We're getting a house.
We're getting a house!
Hi, Ry.
Hey, Tulsa.
Wow. You look great.
Oh me. Well, I woke up like this.
You're so funny.
Oh, you always were so funny.
Thanks. So why are we-
Oh, why am I here?
Well, that's a fair question after what I did to you.
That's why I was so sad to read about you in that contest.
Wait, read about me?
It was all over the tech news.
I mean, they didn't say much,
but they did say that you failed
and that you were doing so well.
I know, I know.
What happened?
You know what? Don't tell me.
What I mean is, I just felt so bad for you,
picturing how sad and lonely you must have been,
searching for a relationship and then failing like that.
I mean, it was-
But then I realized, I had a relationship in my hands,
and then I pushed it away.
I don't wanna make that mistake again.
What are you saying?
I want a relationship, Ry.
I know that's a lot and I know that it's sudden,
but I feel like maybe it's what you want too.
Is that a yes or?
I...
Are...
Am I really the one?
The one?
Yeah. Or am I just someone who said yes to you?
I mean, there had to have been a reason
you didn't want me to ship myself to you.
And besides, is the relationship
just for the sake of a relationship,
really what's best for us?
Oh my God.
I'm sorry, Tulsa. It's not-
You're exactly right.
Wait, what?
I don't need to find the one.
I need to find myself.
I mean, I've known all of this deep down. It's so obvious.
I just needed to hear it from someone else.
Is that what happened to you?
You just needed to hear it from someone else one time?
Something like that.
I'm gonna go figure myself out.
I'm glad you've got yourself figured out too.
Okay, bye!
What the hell?
Hey, Ry, is that you?
Ria? What are you doing here?
Making a grand gesture, obviously.
But I just, I can't get the door to open.
It's stuck!
Wish you liked lifting weights instead of cooking.
That's hilarious.
Ria, why are you here?
I needed to see you.
I got offered VP, and a house.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
So you just came to brag about
how everything worked out for you?
I'm not gonna take it, Ry.
A promotion and a house is not gonna make me happy.
Ry?
No, it's funny.
I had something like that just happened to me too.
You got offered VP?
No, I got offered to be in a relationship,
but I turned it down.
You were right, Ria.
A relationship won't make me happy.
Oh, there's an unlock switch.
Nice helmet.
Hey, the injury rate is every 1 in 14. Okay?
Why are you here?
I think you should be in my life, Ry.
Well, didn't you just hear what I said
about relationships?
Hey, I didn't say anything about relationships.
Plus, don't act like you're the one
who invented avoiding relationships, okay?
That was all me, baby.
I think I want you in my life too.
I just don't know in what way.
Why do we have to decide that now?
I mean, it's not like
we've got this whole life thing figured out, Ry.
Maybe we can help each other figure it out.
It'll be a journey.
What do you think?
Okay.
Hold on.
Someone sent me a plant?
Oh yeah, that...that was me.
That is your grand gesture?
It's perfect.
So, what do we do now?
Hi, I'm Ria.
This is how they used to do it back in the day.
I researched.
Easy. It's not one of those hugs.
So how did the two of you meet?
At a wedding.
A fake wedding.
We were holograms.
He was the cutest hologram I ever saw.
Cutest hologram I ever saw.
After the wedding, I just had to find this guy.
And I had to find this lady.
We messaged each other at the exact same time.
The wedding itself was a bust.
But not for us.
Yeah, it was meant to be.
What happened to the two people
from the wedding?
Well, they're clients of ours.
That's privileged information.
But we can tell you that they're good.
Yeah, they're good.
CNKTR.
It's not just for romantic relationships anymore.
It's for all kind of connections.
That's right, son.
Because the most important thing in this world:
Connection.
Yes.
I love you, dad.
Let's not get carried away.
We're not gonna get carried away, but we are CNKTR.
We're not actually a couple.
It's just sex for us.
Real sex too, not that VR stuff.
But do you want more sex details?
We can give you lots of details.