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So shaken as we are, so wan with care
find we a time for frighted peace to pant
and breathe short-winded accents of new broils
to be commenced in strands afar remote.
No more the thirsty entrance of this soil
shall daub her lips with her own children's blood
nor more shall trenching war channel her field
nor bruise her flowerets with the armèd hoofs
of hostile paces: those opposèd eyes
which, like the meteors of a troubled heaven
all of one nature, of one substance bred
did lately meet in the intestine shock
and furious close of civil butchery
shall now, in mutual well-beseeming ranks
march all one way
and be no more opposed
against acquaintance
kindred
and allies.
The edge of war, like an ill-sheathèd knife
no more shall cut his master.
Therefore, friends
as far as to the sepulchre of Christ
forthwith a power of English shall we levy
whose arms were moulded in their mothers' womb
to chase those pagans from those holy fields.
But this our purpose now is twelve month old
and bootless 'tis to tell you we will go
therefore we meet not now.
Then let me hear from you, my noble lord and loyal friend
what yesternight our council did decree
in forwarding this dear expedience.
My liege, this haste was hot in question
and many limits of the charge set down
but yesternight: when all athwart there came
a post from Scotland, leaden with grave news.
On Holy-rood day, the gallant Hotspur there
and the Earl of Douglas
that ever-valiant and approvèd Scot, at Holmedon met!
Ragh!
Rrr-ragh!
Lay on!
Lay on ya wee and scrawny thing
I've fought grandmothers with more strength than ye!
Those two did spend a sad
and bloody hour
ten thousand bold Scots, two and twenty knights
did our rider see on Holmedon's plains.
If Harry Hotspur wins
it would be conquest for a prince to boast of.
Ragh!
Raaagh!
Yea, there thou makest me sad and makest me sin in envy
♪ that my Lord Northumberland
should be the father to so blest a son
a son who is the theme of honour's tongue.
Whilst I, by looking on the praise of him
see riot and dishonour stain the brow of my young Harry.
On your feet, Prince Hal!
These wars make men of us. Are you a man?
A spent one!
O, I cannot match thy pace, my lungs will burst!
Would I had never come from
cosy London to this damnèd place!
Then get thee to thy tent, I say, go to!
We have no use for women on the field.
O that it could be proved
that some night-tripping fairy had exchanged
Northumberland's child with mine when they were born
then would I have his Harry, and he mine.
It seems then that the tidings of this broil
brake off our business for the Holy Land
and for this cause awhile we should shake off
our purpose for Jerusalem.
Bring any word you hear, my noble friends
of how the battle at our border stands.
With Hotspur at its head I do not doubt
that soon we shall have victory and peace.
I didn't understand a bloody word of that!
What's going on?
It's okay, it's okay, you're all right!
What is this? And who was that? And...
Who are you?
You're safe, it's okay!
I'm a friend.
Here, have some water.
Right, I'm going to need you to remain calm, okay?
Just take a deep breath. Come on.
There you are. So, think very carefully and calmly.
Can you tell me, what is your name?
Portia.
I'm Portia. I'm Brutus' wife, I have to...
You've ungently, Brutus
stole from my bed: and yesternight, at supper
you suddenly arose, and walk'd about--
Hello!
Musing and sighing, with your arms across
and when I ask'd you
what the matter was--
No no no, stay with me, stay with me!
I grant I am a woman; but withal
a woman that Lord Brutus took to wife.
I grant I am a woman; but withal
a woman well-reputed, Cato's daughter--
Snap out of it!
Who are you?
Just stay calm and think very carefully and clearly
and can you tell me, what is your name?
Portia?
I'm Brutus' wife.
Are you sure it's Portia?
Are you sure you're married to Brutus
as in Ancient Roman Brutus
as in best mates with Julius Caesar Brutus?
Yes. I'm Portia.
I'm Brutus' wife.
What kind of bottle is that?
Diet Coke.
So, if you're from Ancient Rome
how do you recognise Diet Coke?
What the fuck?
It's okay! It's okay--
No no no no no.
Jen!
Jen?
Jen! My name is Jen!
Oh, Jen! Jen, Jen, Jen!
Oh my God, I completely believed I was an Ancient Roman!
Well, that's right. I rescued you.
I'm Sam.
Or Sammy or Samantha, whichever you prefer.
I'm from Liverpool and I'm a manager in a care home
which is all arse holes and noses
wiping arse holes and wiping noses all day!
Oh, but don't worry, I've washed my hand since then.
Where am I?
Well, right now we're somewhere between 'in the shit'
and 'in harm's way.'
Just...
Keep your head down and do what I tell you.
That was Scene One. It's about to change.
Change? Into what?
1402, Northumberland.
The Battle of Holmedon Hill!
God's wounds, I thought my sword fell hereabout!
Good nephew, in this battle smoke and marsh
I fear to find it is impossible.
I had it of my father years ago!
That wayward blade hath done our noble cause
great service, there's comfort.
The Thane of Fife
is taken as our prisoner, and Menteith.
I dare believe we may have victory!
The Earl of Douglas yet evades our grasp.
He slipped by me when last our armies met
at Otterburn, and left my brother dead.
Good nephew, our knights returning from their charge!
The Scottish lines are broken; we have won!
Yet where is Douglas?
- I cannot make him out. - But here's a friendly face!
My brother Northumberland.
My boy, my boy!
Father! How stands the day?
My boy, the day is ours.
While watching from my horse I saw thee fight
all glinting in the sun like mailèd Mars
thy voice like thunder shook the startled birds
from every tree!
The rabbits hereabout
did dive into their burrows as in fear
that they beheld a second Hercules!
A knight who rode beside me did exclaim
the courage of, 'That warrior who strides
into a battle like the foaming sea
and parts it with defiant manly will!'
I with laughter
proudly turned and cried to all
'He is my son!'
Thou hast brought honour to our family name!
Enough! These gilded garments fit me not.
What of the Earl of Douglas? Where is he?
Accursèd Scot!
Thou villain! Thou base thing!
Good morrow, Harry Percy.
And my lord?
I am Sir Thomas Percy, Earl of Worcester
the brother of the elder Henry here.
Oooh.
I see the landscape of Northumberland
makes Percys grow like dandelions: weeds
that are cut down and then sprout up again.
You cut my brother Ralph down.
Aye, I did, when you were but a stripling, years ago.
And now I am your prisoner.
Not for long.
Father, lend me your sword.
Send me to meet my cousin Archibald
who you dispatched today, and we'll make hell
hold three prime places for the Percy boys!
Come, make it quick.
Make way there! In Prince Henry's name make way!
Which of you untaught knaves, unmannerly
to top the basest varlet, ranks enough
among what out of London generously
are flattered with the name of gentlemen
to parlay with the issue of a King?
These untaught knaves, my prince, have won the day
and at a Kingly cost vanquished the Scot!
Or were about to.
Nay, put up that sword!
Deliver any other prisoners
that you may have without ransom or delay.
I shall escort them South with every speed
to give them up unto my father's court.
It seems I am reprieved.
Not him: he's mine.
Read you this letter that a messenger
placed in my hands just moments hence.
The King, my father
gave this urgent task to me
charging that I instruct Northumberland.
The Scots surrendered not unto the King
but me! This is my field of victory!
Can I surrender for a second time?
I do accept.
No!
He has no command.
I have command by this crown that I wear
and by the blood I carry in my veins!
You have no knights on this field, no army
you are no soldier, have not stained your sword--
I marched from London to be here with you
to oversee your lumpen, awkward war
braved villainous clouds of salt-petre and soot
made blacker by egregious soldiers' oaths
and pricking marshland flies which steal my blood
by pints and gallons!
Not so, my precious prince
you did not march here, rather were you dragged
with lumpen awkward feet and dainty hands
sweet breath and neatly polished fingernails
to sit in womanly idleness on your arse!
Then as the solider here, you surely know
a soldier's duty is obedience!
And my duty shall I discharge at once
in taking of your prisoners.
One word more and I shall count you with my prisoners!
This girlish tempest temper quite exceeds
your savage reputation.
- Girlish? - Ay.
Good nephew
cool the fire of your rage!
Have we not spoken many times of calm
and all the virtues that it brings a man?
There is my gauge!
Your hand would be advised
to sooner touch a venomous viper's tail
than such a certain seal of vengeful death.
- My prince, take up your gauge: enough have died
we need not have more bloodshed.
Come, let's talk.
Come.
Why 'girlish'? Wherefore 'girlish' sticks in me?
I am a man, no girl, that's certain!
Raugh!
This is fucking coconuts.
Sh!
Sit. Sit down, sit down.
The orders from the King are genuine.
Specifically the Earl of Douglas' name
is set down to be made a prisoner
and not the instrument of our revenge.
There's worse news in the second letter here.
Thy brother in law, that's Edmund Mortimer
against the irregular and wild Glendower
was by the rude hands of that Welshman captured.
Alas, that we should weigh our victory
in equal measure with such dark defeat
that celebration lights up all the North
while funeral darkness shades the sullen South.
Then both my brothers now are lost to me.
Will neither be avenged?
Do not despair.
Our Ralph is gone, but taking our revenge
could never bid him walk out of his grave.
I miss him every day.
But I have found in time the wound of grief becomes a scar
no longer bleeding but an old complaint.
I have one son still breathing, and thy face
alive and smiling is more dear to me
than one more corpse left out to feed the crows.
And as for Edmund Mortimer, he lives!
So as he lives we work to set him free.
I council that we keep our prisoner here
until King Henry is of such a mind
to ransom home our cousin who is lost.
I am content. We shall exchange the Scot.
Unless you'd name Goliath as your second
the danger doth outweigh your pride, my prince.
You have yourself seen my nephew think not
of gralloching a Scotsman in a stroke
or mangling a Welshman so entire
that Welsh alone has words savage enough
to sound description in an English ear.
I am familiar with your nephew's wrath.
How deep the currents of passion run in him.
Your royal highness
we propose a trade.
We will gladly give you Douglas and the rest
if your father the King can make a vow
to ransom straight Edmund Mortimer
our cousin taken by the Welsh army.
I cannot promise on the King's behalf.
And yet I can on my own name, aye!
Yes!
This seems a friendly, even-handed suit.
I grant it, or I shall, yes, it is done!
I like it!
Silence, cur! Thou keep'st thy head but temporarily.
So do we all.
Then I suggest we draw up the details
not in the frigid air but in my tent
where we can all repose and ease ourselves.
Good nephew, we shall parlay with the prince
find you some other task or rest alone.
When we have reached a compact we will call.
Well fought today.
Our practise has borne fruit.
Thy swordsmanship is markedly improved.
I thank thee uncle.
The wounded cry for aid; I'll see them cared for
and retrieve my sword.
Make sure that Douglas is kept under guard.
I'll rest me in the warm tent for a spell.
My Prince!
In careless passion and faint breath
from many miles of marching have you let
your glove slip negligently from your hand.
I would we could be friends again, Harry.
This long campaign has been a taxing road
too often paved with bitter tears and loss and...
And yet I am glad I came, for I met thee.
Thou, soldier!
Help me find my missing sword.
When I pursued the Douglas as he fled
I slipped into a bog and dropped my blade.
I think it landed somewhere hereabout.
I'll search this way, and thou the other, so
we'll meet back in the middle.
Verily!
So uh, we're looking for a missing sword?
Is it special? Or um...
Generic sword-shaped?
What say'st thou? Hast thou found the blasted thing?
No, no, I'm still looking!
Um, I would hate for you to lose something like that.
Probably got lots of beheadings to do with it.
My father gave it as a gift to me.
It was to mark the day I came of age
the day that I became...
A man.
I found it!
There you go.
I felt not quite myself without it here.
The old familiar heft, the swing, the slice!
I thank thee, soldier! I am much relieved.
No worries, babe!
Uh, I mean, um, I sayeth...
Um, verily, there are...
No worries, my lord.
Where art thou from?
Thou hast a strange... Dialect.
I'm from Framlingham.
But I'm staying down the road with some friends, actually.
That's why I'm here on the battlefield.
I just popped out to have a shufty
and then you won, or we won
so, no worries.
Wherever thou art from, I thank thee, friend.
Can I ask a question?
Why do you talk like that?
Um, each syllable and word considerèd
all very grand, all very much controlled, or
'thee' and 'thou' and so on and so forth?
I speak but as I feel.
My passions are all regimented, so my thoughts, my words--
Do you speak that way
because it's genuinely how you think
or do you think that way
because it was how you were taught to speak?
Um...
I've always spoken this way: it is hard...
It, it...
It is hard to not do that.
In Framlingham, they do not speak like this
but let their thoughts spill out undisciplined?
Yeah. I mean, I guess, yeah.
I thank thee, soldier. Go and get some rest.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
My husband, are you hurt?
My..
What a fall!
I fell?
I fear thou hit thy head; come, let me see.
There is no blood.
Nay, do not try to stand
but rest a moment.
Let me see thy arm.
Can'st bend it? Good, it is not broken then.
I'm not sure what just happened.
Thou wert recounting the exciting tale
of battling Douglas up at Holmedon Hill.
Thou leapt up on the wall to demonstrate
some action and thy footing must have slipped!
When thou crashed down at once in somersaults.
Thou foolish thing.
We are most fortunate
thou did'st not land upon thy sword, my love!
My sword? This...
This is my sword.
And this, that I'm wearing, this is my armour.
All handsomely in mail you are arranged.
Was there a woman here a second ago?
I swear I was just chatting with someone.
I am the only woman here, my love.
Of course.
Of course
my Kate.
I'll try to keep my feet on firmer ground from now on
Thou wert just telling me of Edmund then?
Yes, Edmund!
We have asked the Prince of Wales
to intervene at court with his father
persuading King Henry to ransom him.
I know the Earl of Douglas vexes thee--
Aye, some! Thou let him stay in this, our home!
It is a temporary lodging, love.
With temporary longing shall I leave
thee soon to find a double remedy
for both thy woes: exchanging our Edmund for that same Scot.
Your horse is saddled
and we stay for thee.
Good morrow, Kate!
Good morrow, noble father.
I must away to London. Farewell, love.
I thought there was another woman here. How odd.
I would be mad if e'er I wished
to have another woman's company
when thou art fairest of the fairer sex.
Thy tongue produces surfeit of sweet words.
What other task then might I set it to?
What still more pleasing service might my tongue perform
my Lady Kate?
Thou naughty man!
My innocent ears shall not hear such things, sir!
Thy wit is like the sunshine: though it warms
in tarrying in't I fear I shall turn pink!
A pretty jest! Thy lips have talent too.
Would my tongue and thy lips worked hand in hand
what splendid poetry they might devise.
Thy lips and thy tongue, sayest thou?
And what else?
It is a pity I must ride away.
I'd rather I than thy horse under thee!
Peace, love! Wouldst lay me down on muddy grass?
The grass would be the luckiest in the world
if thou wouldst only be on top of it!
But I could spare thee from the mud and lie
between thee and the grass, if thou did wish!
Then go thou with my love.
I loathe these days!
Too frequent and too hastily announced
when we must part, thou out into the world
and I for Alnwick Castle's lonely spires.
It is my duty.
- Am I thy duty? - Aye.
My joy. The better half of all my life.
What would a husband be without his wife?
It's okay. Poor sausage.
Come here.
My whole arm's got pins and needles.
That's all right, don't you worry, Sammy's here.
Wiggle your fingers for me.
Yeah, I don't think anything's too badly broken--
It felt like sticking a fork in a plug socket!
Silly old sausage.
No.
What is going on here?
All right.
This might be a lot to process, my lovely, but...
You are inside a play.
What the fuck?
Actually a whole dimension of plays, a whole multiverse!
I don't know whether we're lying in a coma up there
or if we're sharing the same dream.
Last thing I remember from the real world
I was dropping off to sleep in the back of my car.
Well, next thing I knew
I was Cleopatra
ruling over Ancient Egypt.
Which had its perks
but it all seemed a bit weird.
So I looked inside my bag
which I still had with me.
I saw the Diet Coke bottle and I thought
that's funny, they don't have Diet Coke in Ancient Egypt.
And that's when it hit me.
It wasn't just Ancient Egypt.
This was Antony and Cleopatra.
As in the play "Antony and Cleopatra."
As in Shakespeare!
Oh, no! Bloody hell, I hate Shakespeare.
Well, I did a runner. I wound up in "The Tempest"
then "A Midsummer Night's Dream" and a bunch more.
Went through all the Roman ones
saw you in "Julius Caesar" and my first thought was
'Gosh, I've got to get her out of here because she's...
You know...
Like me.'
Well, actually my first thought was
'Gosh, isn't she gorgeous!'
I imagined you had a very glamorous lifestyle
somewhere with uh, lots of friends
and a gazillion Instagram followers
who'd all be missing you!
I'm nattering, sorry.
No, that's all right
at least I can understand what you're saying.
We're inside Shakespeare?
Yeah.
The play, not the man.
Right, I'm calling 999.
It's dead?
Do you have a charger?
I've got something better.
Ta-dah!
I picked this up when I was down in "The Tempest."
Nicked it right out from under old Prospero's nose.
It's got everything on it, it's like magical Google.
What is it?
A map.
Although I did steal it from a wizard, darling.
It's not exactly Ordnance Survey.
Whoa...
Mhm! Trippy.
All the different plays--
all separated into their own little worlds.
They have their exits and their entrances--
Yet who would have thought the old man
to have had so much blood in him?
Sorry.
I'll help you.
And these, these are the doorways between them.
All you have to do is be in the right place
at the right time and you can jump through.
So um, what play are we in?
Well, that's the good news.
We are right at the beginning of "Henry IV" Part One.
I've been trying to get here for ages.
Look at this, this big doorway right at the top.
Read that, what does that say?
'Out.'
The doorways always appear at moments of choice
forks in the road, and at the end of this play
there's a great big one.
Prince Hal starts off a mess
but he puts aside his wayward youth.
He has to choose between his old life
and the role he was born to play
so!
If we can follow him, lurk in the background of his scenes
stick to him like glue, then eventually we'll come across
that great big beautiful doorway and that, that Jen
is 'Out!'
Can't believe it.
Hey, maybe we wanna ask some of the people
who are already down here about it?
I spoke to that girl, the one who lost her sword
and she seems like she would help--
No.
They're antibodies. Um, characters.
Down here is their home
and they like it just the way it is.
Can they hurt us?
They can do much worse than that.
If they sucked you into playing a role in their story again
then you might be stuck down here forever.
That's why I'd appreciate it
if you were a bit more ears open
when I'm giving you instructions, all right?
Wouldn't want you getting hurt again.
Sorry.
But for future reference, if they speak to me
what am I supposed to do?
Well, if you have to improvise, don't break rhythm.
If they give you six beats, for example
give them four back. So um...
Well, anyway, it always adds up to ten.
And as long as you're in rhythm
they see what they want to see.
It's changing!
Move. Move.
Those prisoners in your highness' name demanded
which Harry Percy here at Holmedon took
were, as he says, not with such strength denied
as is deliver'd to your majesty!
Either envy, therefore, or misprison
is guilty of this fault, not him, my King.
My liege, I did deny no prisoners--
How like a comet comes the Prince of Wales
amazing all and yet so seldom seen
that all our wisest sagest astronomers
can ne'er predict his visits to the court.
Good gentlemen, I beg your patience
I was detained upon an urgent...
Thing.
My liege, I did deny no prisoners
but I remember, when the fight was done
when I was dry with rage and extreme toil
breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword
came there, a certain lord
neat, and trimly dress'd
fresh as a bridegroom; and his chin new reap'd
show'd like a stubble-land at harvest-home.
And as the soldiers bore dead bodies by
he call'd them untaught knaves, unmannerly!
With many holiday and lady terms
he question'd me; amongst the rest, demanded
my prisoners in your majesty's behalf.
I then, all smarting with my wounds being cold
out of my grief and my impatience
answer'd neglectingly I know not what
he should or he should not; for he made me mad
to see him shine so brisk and smell so sweet
and talk so like a waiting-gentlewoman
of guns and drums and wounds
God save the mark!
This bald unjointed chat of his, my lord
was answer'd indirectly, as I said.
This lord who so provoked your heated words
what was his name?
I cannot recall, my liege.
Um...
The circumstance--
The circumstance consider'd, good my lord
whate'er Lord Harry Percy then had said
may reasonably die and never rise
to do him wrong or any way impeach
what he had said, so he unsay it now.
Well said, my noble knight.
Why, yet he doth deny his prisoners
but with proviso and exception
that we at our own charge shall ransom home
his brother-in-law, the foolish Mortimer
who, on my soul, hath wilfully betray'd
the lives of those that he did lead to fight
against that great magician, damn'd Glendower.
Shall we buy treason and indent with fears
when they have lost and forfeited themselves?
No--
on the barren mountains let him starve
for I shall never hold that man my friend
whose tongue shall ask me for one penny cost
to ransom home revolted Mortimer.
Revolted Mortimer!
He never did fall off, my sovereign liege
but by the chance of war!
Thou dost belie him, Percy, thou dost belie him.
Art thou not ashamed?
But, sirrah, henceforth
let me not hear thee speak of Mortimer.
Bring me your Douglas with the speediest means
or you shall hear from me in such a kind
as will displease you.
Look to it at once!
I thank thee that thou chose to overlook
my name when thou recounted Holmedon's fray.
I must express my earnest gratitude--
Your gratitude is worth nothing to me
whilst Mortimer my brother lies in chains
and we men of the North who won that crown
that your father so proudly wears are dogged
at every turn by his misgovernance!
Let not his wrathful mood affright your heart.
I am the cause of his distemperment.
He sees that I am yet to take a wife
and worries I am not...
The marriage type.
He loves thee well, and heartily desires
that I reform myself to be like thee.
Therefore, if it should please thee, stay at court
and join me in a hunt, or else at dice, or tennis.
Therein serve a double aim.
Convince my father that I spend my time
in company of which he doth approve
and by that feint we calm his stormy mood
thy suit for Mortimer may yet succeed!
And secondly we serve our private aim.
Which is, if I have read thy heart correct--
Is this the business that the Prince of Wales
finds suits his majesty, eh?
Tennis? Dice?
Are't so effeminate?
Are't so attuned to that degenerate company you keep?
Whose prince is this, who minces and who chats
more like a Princess than a royal heir?
I know you love your brother Mortimer
and for that love, and that which I bear you
I shall attempt to calm my father's storm.
Meantime, my lords, obedience is due.
Send us your prisoners, or you will hear of it.
An' if the devil come and roar for them
I will not send them: I will after straight and tell him so
for I will ease my heart, albeit I make a hazard of my head!
- What, drunk with choler? - Stay and pause awhile.
Remember calm, remember reason, think!
Soldier!
The old Earl of Northumberland
is waiting just outside; he was dismissed
in rage by King Henry.
Go fetch him in.
We shall obey at once, my lord Hotspur.
Wait.
Have we met?
Yes, quite possibly, perhaps
your lordship might have seen us here before.
We have been guarding this palace for years.
What is thy name, soldier?
Why, Jen, my lord.
Come, shake my hand.
Thy hand, my lord? What for?
In friendship or in enmity, choose one
I care not, simply do as thou art told.
Give me thy hand.
Okay. Yeah.
Here it is.
I thank thee.
No problem-o.
We'll fetch him
the man thou did request to see just now.
In fact I see him coming already, so
we'll see thee later, alligator...
Or!
Brother, the King hath forcibly denied
our pleas to ransom Edmund Mortimer!
What's happened? What was said when I was gone?
He will forsooth have all our prisoners
and when I--
And when we urged the ransom once again
of our dear cousin, then his cheek look'd pale
and on my face he turn'd an eye of death
trembling even at the name of Mortimer!
Is King Henry not my father's very twin?
How is't I never noticed it before?
They are as like as this hand to itself!
What, is God's highest so common in form
that Kings are found in twos?
And all alone.
Save for those guards, that Jen, whose face I think
I have encountered once before somewhere.
And Henry
Prince of Wales, that libertine
where was King Henry's retinue, his queen
his knights, his courtiers
or his people...
Shouldn't there be, like, more people here
or something?
Who the fuck are you?
Good nephew, give me audience a while!
And now
I will unclasp a secret book
and to your bluh bluh-bluh-bluh bluh-bluh
Bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh
bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh bluh.
Bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh bluh-bluh bluh bluh bluh.
Sorry, what did you just say?
De dum, de dum, de dum, the King de dum
de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum the crown?
Bluh bluh. Bluh-bluh bluh bluh bluh.
De dum de dum-de dum de dum-de King.
De dum de dum de dum-de dum-de dum!
Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh bluh-bluh-bluh.
Wait, wait.
Look at this place.
Look at them, who are they?
Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh!
De-dum de-dum de-dum--
my son be so employed.
Rebellion is our aim, we shall seek out
a head of safety with the Archbishop of York
and Douglas, and Glendower
and Mortimer, to, to overthrow the... King.
- My lords, farewell: no further go in this
than I by letters shall direct your course.
Farewell, good brother: we shall thrive, I trust.
Brother, Adieu.
O, let the hours be short
till fields and blows and groans applaud our sport!
There they are. Mhm, mhm, mhm.
Aah... There he is, get down!
Good! We're right on track.
We'll be out of here in no time!
I think I'm getting the hang of this place.
Did you see that bit of improv back there?
Serving ten syllables every time, buh-bam!
Except for when you called Hotspur 'thou'
instead of 'you!'
In Shakespeare
calling someone 'you' implies respect.
Calling someone 'thou' implies familiarity and intimacy.
Are you having a laugh?
What?
Are you telling me that every two minutes
these fucking cis people change their pronouns?
I can see why people like this stuff.
Oh, and those two-- the prince and Hotspur, so adorable
like super tragic but, argh! So much drama, I love it!
Does it have a happy ending?
Well, it doesn't matter, my love
as long as we find that doorway out.
Right, but does it have a happy ending though--
Well, let's stay in the now, shall we?
If Prince Hal--
No, excuse me, if we're about
where I think we--
Prince Hal is about to have a massive row with his Dad.
What?
Yes, sit down.
My lords
give us leave awhile. The Prince of Wales and I
must have some private conference.
Be near at hand, for we shall presently have need of you.
Yet wait, my sovereign king!
Let us not go just yet, for we can be of some use to thee...
You, to you!
Um
don't argue with your son, he is a nice
boy and we have heard good things about him
that you will want to know, such as, um--
What are you doing?
I'm trying to help!
Hey, look at this!
I know you'd spare me from my father's words
and I am grateful for your efforts, friend
but they shall only spur his anger on.
Do as he says.
I can withstand his rage.
Are you sure?
Like this is super fucked up. What's his problem?
You're gay, so what?
Or 'not the marriage type'?
That's what this is about, right?
Hey, so what?
It's okay.
The Prince of Wales is all that I can be.
Yet I appreciate thy honest tongue.
Would honesty were all my role demanded.
We are accustomed, when we give commands
to having them obeyed, and promptly!
Go! Be there at the entrances, let none come in!
I know not whether God will have it so
for some displeasing service I have done
that, in his secret doom, out of my blood
he'll breed revengement and a scourge for me.
But thou dost in thy passages of life
make me believe that thou art only mark'd
for the hot vengeance and the rod of heaven
to punish my mistreadings. Tell me else
could such inordinate and low desires
such barren pleasures, rude society
as thou art matched withal and grafted to--
So please, your majesty, I would I could
quit all offences with as clear excuse--
The hope and expectation of thy time
is ruin'd, and the soul of every man
prophetically doth forethink thy fall.
Do not think so; you shall not find it so.
It has been found; why shall I not believe
that which is proved? Or canst thou summon up
some words to excuse thy vulgar choice
to live so far from all propriety?
What say'st thou?
- My lord-- - How canst thou
account for this?
Why dost thou set thy will so far from wisdom and prudence?
Why dost thou?
Indulging thy desires, deepening them
not reigning thyself in, as princes should?
I shall hereafter, my thrice gracious lord
- be more myself! - Thyself!
Hotspur hath more loyalty, more worthy interest to the state
than thou the shadow of succession.
But wherefore do I tell these news to thee?
Why, Harry, do I tell thee of my foes
which art my near'st and dearest enemy?
To squander years of true
paternal love
to show how much thou art...
Degenerate!
Yeah. Cool.
Sick. Cheers, Dad!
Hotspur's a legend actually. Just completely fair play!
He's like, 'I killed a dozen Scottish people today, huh-hah!
Huh-hah! Legend!
I have a sexy wife!
She's like, 'Oh Harry, how many hast thou killed today?'
and I'm like, 'Feed my horse, bitch!'
Grr! Oh, I must have my prisoners!
I must have Mortimer back King Henry--
I'm a very serious person!
Yes, Harry Hotspur
I take you very seriously!
This is the most dynamite shit I have ever seen!
Oh and by the way, congratulations on your very sexy wife!
Thank you!
I won her in a fight I had with a wolf.
A wife worthy of a Prince!
Oh, how I wish you were my son
and then I would have a sexy daughter-in-law!
I wish my son would obtain a sexy wife.
He seems to spend all of his time with men
for reasons that are somehow still a mystery to me!
Oh King Henry
your son is a nancy boy!
He has clean fingernails and he combs his hair
and he does not have a very sexy wife!
He knows nothing of the pussy!
He is unquestionably a faggot
of the most heinous disposition!
Take me as your son instead!
Yes!
That is absolutely a sensible reaction
to my son's homosexuality
and not at all likely to scar him for life.
Cheers Dad! Yeah, yeah!
Nice one!
I'm sorry.
Sorry's not good enough, to be frank with you.
We might really be in the shit here now
come on!
Sam?
Oh shit, Jen. You've porked it now, babes.
Um...
Okay, a magic map. A magic map.
Um, easy.
- Northumberland-- - Northumberland...
- Alnwick Castle-- - Alnwick Castle?
Several Weeks Later.
My gracious host!
I must express my thanks.
Your hospitality has been so mild
Your castle has been such a welcoming respite
I could almost believe that we had been friends
these last few years and not dire enemies!
Indeed, it seems mere minutes since we fought
a bloody battle up at Holmedon Hill.
I'faith I curse myself I was not ta'en
to be your lordship's prisoner before!
In gratitude I shall commit my strength
to topple Henry Bolingbroke, your king.
With Harry Hotspur fighting on our side
I have no doubt we shall find swift success!
Well said, and many thanks, my noble Scot.
Ah, um--
Lady Katherine!
My humble thanks for all thy golden generosity!
I'm glad I saw you ere we part to say
truly, by'm'heart thou art so becoming
truly, my heart breaks that I'll be-going.
We'll muster up our cousins and ride south
to join with you at Bangor by the ninth.
Thanks once again, old foe
and new-forged friend.
I'll ride out with you till our paths diverge.
Yet stay, my husband. We must talk.
I'll join you momentarily.
Good luck!
How now, my wife? Have you some suit to me?
A suit? Am I to make appointments to speak with thee now?
My hennin is upstairs.
Shall I put on my formal robes, my lord?
Nay, but speak quickly: I am called away.
'Tis true thou art, my husband, called 'away.'
'Away' should be thy middle name, i'faith
for when I call out 'Harry' these stone walls
repeat 'Away, ' 'Away, ' in echoing sobs.
For what offence have I these long months been
a banished woman from my Harry's bed?
No tenderness have I of thee enjoyed
no kisses, nor no touches, comforts, sighs
in weeks, nay months!
Unnatural spans of time!
I am thy wife; aren't not my husband too?
Am I not pleasing to thee anymore?
I must know, Harry, else thou love'st me not!
What is that carries you away?
Away, away, you trifler! Love!
I love thee not!
Do you not love me? Do you not, indeed?
I love thee infinitely.
But hark you, Kate
whither I must, I must; and, to conclude
this evening must I leave you, gentle Kate.
I know you wise, but yet no farther wise
than Harry Percy's wife: constant you are
yet constantly you are a woman, Kate
and so far will I trust--
Oh! So far.
Not an inch further!
But hark you, Kate
whither I go, thither shall you go too.
Today I will set forth, tomorrow you.
Will this content you, Kate?
It must, of force.
Are you all right?
What sayest thou, good maid?
I said are you alright?
I do not need attending at this time.
Okay.
Art married?
Uh, married? Me?
Yes. Art thou wed?
Uh, no.
Ah. Well.
You probably have to work at it, I imagine?
Yes! Thou art correct.
It is hard work.
I'm sure she loves you, really.
She?
Uh-uh, no no no no. Um...
he, him, your husband, Hotspur?
I'm sure he loves you really.
Sometimes I feel like I do not know the man.
I gaze rather upon a fixed portrait
a hollow suit of armour brought to life.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Has't thou experience with men? With love?
There is no need to blush
I do not ask to wring confession from thee for thy sins.
I know how pretty maids can turn men's heads
I know attention has a double edge.
In nine parts loathsome irritation
and in one part a begrudging flattery.
Ooh, yeah! I know what you mean there.
I have some experience with men, with guys, they're...
Generally fine.
If that's what you're into.
I'm actually mostly a lesbian.
A lesbian? What sort of thing is that?
It is a religious order, like a nun?
Well, you could say it's a calling.
Sometimes I feel like I've taken a vow of celibacy.
I took a solemn vow before God too.
I promised to love, honour and obey.
I gained so much - this castle, servants and
all of the respect and admiration
that suits a lady of my birth.
I was the eldest child - my parents did not know
that they would have my brother after me
being advanced in years when I was born.
And so I was taught to think, to shoot, to write
to manage an estate: my parents planned
to make me their inheritor!
But then my brother Edmund was born.
And do not think that I do not love him, or that I am
ungrateful for these things that I've gained.
A husband well respected, gallant, strong
advancing into the world, as he withdraws from me.
But I...
Some days I feel the lack
of that which I have lost, most principally
the future I imagined for myself.
I am a wife. Now just a wife.
Nay, no, not 'just, ' I do not mean to make it small.
It is a joy, it is a duty, I am blessed.
And yet--
It's tough when people see you only in relation to men.
Yes! That is what I mean, those are the words!
I read Protagoras - for I can read.
He wrote, 'Man is the measure of all things.'
But why 'man, ' why not 'woman?' Why say 'man?'
When hast thou seen a smith or a carpenter
decrease in skill by practising his craft?
Why then do men insult the work of God
claiming all heavenly attributes for Adam
and leaving none for Eve, His second made?
Was Athena the lesser for her sex?
Hippolyta not roused by that same Sun as Hercules?
Would Cleopatra's reign have been more golden still
had she possessed that which she lacked?
Yes!
Oh sorry, not 'yes' as in it would have been better
'yes' as in, yeees!
It's tough. Like, I guess women in the 14...
Women now... Don't have loads of options.
Like, you can think all that stuff and say all that stuff
but you still do sort of have to get married.
And it does have to be to a man.
Yeah, knowing your situation is cool
and I don't think you're bad or sinful or whatever
for feeling frustrated.
But yeah, you can't just fix the world
by changing your attitude.
I guess that's what I'm trying to say.
It's a bit of a fucking shitter, innit?
Hah! I like the way thou speak'st.
Yes! it's interesting.
It's less... What am I trying to say?
Always have to...
Well, there is much to do
much to attend.
I thank thee for thy sympathetic ear
and I charge thee, on thy order
do not to speak to any other of what I confessed.
Keep thou my words in total secrecy
as if I spake them in that sacrament.
Be like a priest, be like a lesbian!
Like a priest, got it. Um...
Yeah, I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Go to thy duties then. And me to mine.
Come, show me the map.
Oh heck.
Let's carve up land!
I have divided England equally.
All land from Trent and Severn hitherto -
by south and east to Mortimer is assign'd.
All westward, Wales beyond the Severn shore
to Owen Glendower: brother, to you
the remnant northward, lying off from Trent
which someday you will hand down to your son.
So our indentures tripartite are drawn
which being sealèd interchangeably
tomorrow we set forth to Shrewsbury
where we shall gather together tenants, friends
and neighbouring gentlemen into one power.
And after that, alea iacta est!
The die is cast and we shall win or lose.
Which nobles likely head the king's forces?
The Earl of Stafford, and of Westmorland
perhaps Prince John.
Perhaps the Prince of Wales?
I hope he drinks his courage deep enough to face me!
Has he given you some offence?
His every step, his every word offends
in breathing, nay, in looking he offends.
His cringing, whinging nature breeds--
Lord Hotspur, um sorry to interrupt. Can I've a word?
Verily it 'tis important.
See to it that you do return him straight!
Thou hast thy audience: what is the news?
Uh, hello?
You met me at Holmedon Hill, then in London?
I'm the girl from Framlingham.
Okay, I shook your hand and something happened.
I think we might be connected, maybe
- because we're both-- - Go to!
Do not approach me, get thee hence!
I just need to speak to you.
I care not who thou art or whence thou came
but get thee back there with expedience.
Thy face portends unwelcome happenings.
Strange sights and painful shocks
I say go to!
- I'm trying to go to. - I'm going and I'm to-ing!
I thought maybe you'd like to go too?
I have a kingdom that I must o'erturn.
A mission to fulfil, a crown to win!
But your Dad keeps calling you his son.
An-and your uncle calls you his nephew.
Your wife calls you her... Husband. Do you...
Do you really not know?
Know what?
- There you are, sugarspice. - Found you at last!
Where the bloody hell have you been?
Oh, we got caught on opposite sides of a transition.
Too right.
Look, what's supposed to happen in this scene?
Ah, thank you.
Looks like the rebels are planning the attack.
Hotspur and Worcester do some negotiating.
Kate comes in, they have another argument
and then
that's it, we're into the interval.
Why is Douglas here, he's not in this scene?
And where are Mortimer and Glendower?
I don't know, I don't even know who Mortimer
and Glendower even are.
What did you do?
Nothing! Nothing, I didn't do any--
Give me that map!
Oh no, no, no! This is all wrong!
Mortimer and Glendower are supposed to be here!
Glendower has to exit and then come back on with Kate.
With--
All right. Well, we can skip
- this part, come on. - No, Sam! Just watch this.
Come on.
Good morrow, wife.
Good morrow, my husband.
I feared you would not deign to meet us here
for what I said and how I spoke to you.
Such warring words are poor ground indeed
to build a marriage on't.
I know none else.
Forgive me that I said I loved thee not
and called thee trifler, and raised my voice.
I hear thy heartfelt plea, my noble lord
and it has pierced my woman's breast as if...
Uh, I feel like I'm supposed to forgive you
but I don't want to.
I gave up who I was to become your wife.
That wasn't trifling.
But I don't want to look at the things I left behind.
I want to look at the things we could have, together.
I am most moved by your words, good my wife
and I...
Fuck it! Um...
I'm really sorry.
I'm really, really, really sorry.
And...
I love you.
I love you too.
Did you feel that?
I did!
I think I've felt this way once before
when I met this girl, up at Holmedon.
Did you kiss her too?
No! No, I-- I shook her hand.
When was this?
It was months ago.
Although it feels like it wasn't that long?
Do you know something weird?
I don't know how I got here.
I was just in Alnwick, and now I'm here.
But you don't remember the journey?
- No! - Neither do I!
I went from Holemdon to Alnwick to London and now Wales
but I don't think I've spent any time on the road
or if I have, then I don't remember it.
What was that?
Do you know something else?
When I was in London, I thought my father
looked exactly like King Henry...
They do look similar!
No no no, like they had the same face.
I didn't even recognise my Dad at first.
Ah! What's this?
I've never seen this before!
I think something's wrong here?
So do I. And do you know what else?
I feel like we're being watched.
I've just had a thought.
Here we are, planning to overthrow Henry Bolingbroke
and install Edmund Mortimer as King
but have either of you ever stopped to ask like...
Why we even have a hereditary monarchy in the first place?
I've just had a thought as well.
I wonder if my military offensives
over the last several years
although profitable in the short-term
have perhaps contributed
to a decreasing geopolitical stability in the border region
that actually hampers my long-term goals?
See, I think I'd have more success
pursuing a more cooperative and peaceful foreign policy
rather than one which requiring constant military victory
and which relies so heavily on projecting an image
of toxic masculinity.
My lords, my Lady Katherine, your beds are ready for you!
♪ Look, the hour grows late.
Will you come in?
Tomorrow you must ride for Shrewsbury
and you shall need your strength
if you are to repair those grievous wrongs
that Henry Bolingbroke has done you all.
Indeed, well said, good knight.
Let's all to bed.
This heavy business must have dulled my mind
for I was briefly carried quite away
by philosophic contemplation.
But there are many real things to attend!
Indeed!
Shortly we shall rush unto the field
all harnessed with our weapons borne aloft!
O what a glorious victory we shall win!
Somewhere King Henry watches that same sun
and in its slow descent foresees his fall
for sure he knows he shall not see it rise
more than a dozen times again in life.
I shall see my son rise to topple him.
I am no sun.
I am the moon, reflecting but a light you shine on me.
Not so, the country's eyes do look to thee.
In all the towns we pass through the men cry out
'It's Harry Hotspur!' Not Northumberland.
I heard it rumoured that the Prince of Wales
fled straight to France the moment thou rode out!
He does not have a reputation
for great prowess in military scenes.
Indeed.
In truth, I pity his father.
The Prince of Wales cancels all filial bonds
by heaping ignominy on himself
and I am sure his father takes it hard.
To lose a child to war or accident
or any deadly shock, that is a hell
that I pray thou wilt never fall into.
But losing a child because they bring you shame
must be a deeper still infernal pit.
The shameful child reminds one
of their transgression every day and in consequence
their face becomes a murder or a rape.
A violation written in that flesh
which once was smiling, bouncing in your arms
now unwelcome and unfamiliar.
One's mourning clothes are worn invisibly
for shame is hidden in the empty heart
and speaking shame aloud doth triple shame.
False smiles hiding tears fill up all the days
until, I am told, by most unfortunate friends
the parent wishes their own child were dead.
I am proud of thee, Harry
I thank God thou art my son.
I am relieved
to see a bloom of strength and fortitude
in thee that in myself I have felt fading
as my own sun sets.
- Dad-- - I will not always be here.
None can choose the hour which they must depart this life.
Before we ride for Shrewsbury I will sign
the deeds of thy inheritance.
Thy name shall be inscribed and thou shalt take possession
of all legal property, including Alnwick Castle
and its grounds
that our great ancestors, and thy father
have handed down the ages for thy hands.
I make an early gift of this to thee.
What happens at the end?
Give that back! You don't know what you're doing!
What happens at the end of "Henry IV" Part One?
Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death
the memory be green, and that it us befitted
to bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom
to be contracted as one brow of woe
yet so far hath discretion fought with nature
that we with wisest sorrow think on him
together with remembrance of ourselves.
Therefore our sometime sister
now our queen
have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy
with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage
taken to wife.
Nor have we herein barr'd your better wisdoms
which have freely gone with this affair along.
For all, our thanks.
Now follows, that you know, young Fortinbras
holding a weak supposal of our worth
or thinking by our late dear brother's death
our state to be disjoint
and out of frame
colleaguèd with the dream of his advantage
he hath not failed to pester us with message
importing the surrender of those lands
lost by his father, with all bonds of law
to our most valiant brother.
So much for him.
Oh Christ!
Now for ourself
and for this time of meeting
thus much the business is: we have here writ
to Norway, uncle of Fortinbras
who, impotent and bed-rid, scarcely hears
of this his nephew's purpose - to suppress
his further gait herein; in that the levies
lists and full proportions
are all made
- out of his subject-- - Give me the map.
- and we here dispatch-- - Give me the map.
- you, good Cornelius-- - Give me the map.
- our loyal friend-- - Give me the map.
for bearer of this greeting to old Norway
giving to you no further personal power
to business with the king more than the scope
of these delated articles allow.
Farewell--
Give me the map!
and let your haste--
Give me the map, give me the map!
commend your duty.
Give me the map! Give me the map!
In that and all things I will show my duty.
We doubt it nothing: heartily farewell!
And now, Laertes, what is the news with you?
You told us of some suit; what is't, Laertes?
Your leave and favour to return to France
- from whence-- - Give it! Give it!
though willingly I came to Denmark--
To show my duty
in your coronation, yet now, I must confess, that duty done
my thoughts and wishes bend again toward France
and bow them to your gracious leave--
Give me the map!
Have you your father's leave?
He hath, my lord: wrung from me my slow leave.
I do beseech you, give him leave to go.
Take thy fair hour
Laertes; time be thine
and thy best graces use it at thy will!
And now, Hamlet, our cousin, and our son
how is it that the clouds still hang on you?
Not so, my lord; I am too much i'the sun.
Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off.
Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die.
Passing through nature to eternity.
Ay, madam
it is common.
If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?
Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'
'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother
together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief
that can denote me truly: these indeed seem
for they are actions that a man might play.
But I have that within which passeth show.
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.
For your intent in going back to school in Wittenberg
it is most retrograde to our desire.
And we beseech you, bend you to remain
here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye
our chiefest courtier, cousin, and son.
Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet.
I pray you, stay with us; go not to Wittenberg.
I shall in all my best obey you, madam.
Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply.
Be as ourself in Denmark.
Madam, come.
O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
thaw and resolve itself into a dew.
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter.
O God.
God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
seem to me all the uses of this world!
Whoa. Moood.
Fie on't! ah fie!
'tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed.
Things rank and gross in natur--
Ow! What the fuck!
Sorry! Hi.
Do you remember me?
I am glad to see you well!
Horatio!
Or I do forget myself!
Oh bloody hell.
But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg?
I didn't come from chuffing Wittenberg.
I'm from Framlingham!
Look, my name is Jen, okay? We spoke about 20 minutes ago.
And I've come here. I've come here to
tell you something really important--
I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student.
I think it was to see my mother's wedding.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Thrift, thrift, Horatio!
The funeral baked meats
did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables!
My father!
Methinks I see my father.
Where?
In my mind's eye, Horatio.
Okay, right, let me save you about five hours here.
Hm, your Dad's dead, your uncle killed him.
Oh! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are wronguns
don't be mean to Ophelia
don't stab anyone through a curtain
uh, watch out for the Norwegians
and stay away from fencing tournaments.
Now this place, this world? It's not what you think it is.
And you're not who you think you are.
Look, I know this gonna sound unbelievable
but I think you're really--
Hail to your Lordship!
Marcellus, hello!
What make you from Wittenberg, my worthy friend?
A truant disposition, good my lord!
Oh, I would not hear your enemy say so
nor shall you do mine ear that violence
to truster your own report against yourself.
I know you are no truant.
What are you doing?
My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.
I saw him once; he was a goodly King.
He was a man, take him for all in all
I shall not look upon his like again.
Sorry, excuse me, Prince Hamlet
could I please borrow, um...
What's your name supposed to be?
Marcellus.
Can I borrow her? I'll bring her right back!
No!
What are you doing?
I'm trying to fix your bloody mess!
No, Sam, you said these characters are just antibodies.
They're not, she's trapped here just like us!
Don't pretend you have the slightest idea
what's going on down here
when 90 minutes ago you still believed
you were married to an Ancient Roman!
You need to sit down
and think about your behaviour, duck egg.
Everything was going fine up there until you broke it.
Now we've been kicked all the way down to the bottom!
So what?
Look, let's just tell her and we can all
find a way out together.
The only way out is back up there
at the end of "Henry IV" Part One
which we now can't get to
because one of the major characters
is having an identity crisis!
You're lucky we ended up in "Hamlet."
If we'd fallen into "Titus Andronicus"
we could have been baked into pies!
I checked the map. I know what happens to her at the end.
Well nothing happens now
because you've derailed the whole thing!
What's meant to happen is Prince Hal
proves himself worthy of the crown
by saving his father's life and defeating Harry Hotspur.
She dies!
Hotspur ends up as the tragic foil
for Prince Hal's transformation--
But she dies!
Dies nobly.
Dies giving a beautiful speech
about time and life and honour.
Would you take that away?
Would you say, 'Hey, actually, all those things
you think you did, all those accomplishments
that was all a lie.
Those people that love you, they don't really love you
they just love this character you're performing.'
Do you think it's right
to inflict that kind of knowledge on someone?
To rip them out of their life?
Cheat them out of their death?
They are here because they want to be.
Do you? Do you want to be stuck down here
like one of these dead-eyed zombie cunts?
I've been down here a long time.
A really, really fucking long time.
And I need to get out.
I wasn't Cleopatra.
When I woke up in "Antony and Cleopatra" I wasn't Cleopatra.
I was Messenger Number 7.
I had one line in Act III.
'The emperor calls Canidius.'
That was my whole character. My whole world, one line.
It's not even ten syllables.
Even if you really milk 'emperor' it's still only nine.
I said that line until I was sick to death of it.
I wanted to bash my brains out or jump off a building.
I was so, so, tired of being a minor character.
You at least got to be Portia.
You got to stand up there being beautiful
and clever and have loads of lines, it...
It broke my heart.
One line was all of everything I ever got.
Until one night I realised
I'm bigger than this!
And I deserve to have a bit of recognition
and self determination in life, don't I?
I worked hard to get that map
and to get you out, and now...
I don't have anything left to give anymore.
I'm sorry.
Sam, I-I'm sorry, I got caught up in it.
Okay, let's go.
It might not be too late.
Maybe you can still get up there and get to that door.
Okay?
Yeah.
Prince Hamlet?
Um, I'm sorry to have interrupted.
I just thought maybe you'd like to come with us
rather than stay here.
To be
or not to be
that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
or to
take arms against a sea of troubles
and by opposing end them?
To die: to sleep.
No more.
And by a sleep to say we end
the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep.
To sleep: perchance to dream.
Ay, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
when we have shuffled off this mortal coil
must give us pause: there's the respect
that makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time
to grunt and sweat
under a weary life
but that the dread of something after death
which makes us rather bear those ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all
and thus the native hue of resolution
is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought
and enterprises of great pith and moment
with this regard their currents turn awry
and lose the name of action.
Harry?
Kate?
Thy uncle charged me that I bring thee this.
He bids thee put on thy armour at once.
Your powers are arranged at Shrewsbury
and soon King Henry's army will be here.
Wait...
I just said that because I'm supposed to.
I don't know how I got here, or how you got here.
Harry, what's going on?
It's okay.
You've been dreaming.
I'll tell you what you need to do.
Give me that, then get on a horse and ride back to Alnwick.
I don't even know how to ride a horse.
There's none back there anyway!
Of course you do, how else did you get here?
I don't know!
I don't know.
I don't remember anything except when I'm with you.
My whole life just exists just to facilitate you!
Something's wrong, don't you remember that conversation
we had at Alnwick and that noise?
It was just a dream.
Give me that and ride home, Kate.
Are you even listening to me? Stop ordering me around!
That is thy role! That is thy calling, Kate!
It is what God and Nature hath assigned.
It is not Woman's place to give commands.
It is not Woman's place to rule thyself.
I would be softer with thee if I could
but this our war is forged of swords and mail.
No weakness nor no womanly gentleness
can we allow to creep into our hearts
and so thou must away.
Thou must.
Just go!
Fine.
It's impossible to be around you
when you're like this anyway.
I don't know how I've ever managed to tolerate it.
Love, I suppose.
I love you.
One of you: the one who actually communicates.
But this one
I'd rather walk into that darkness
and find my way through than stay here with you.
Look at me! You've cut me in two as well.
I'm discarding the Kate that's been acting as your spinoff.
I'm throwing her away.
And so I say goodbye
and I say good luck
but I'm saying it to other Harry
because this character that I'm looking at right now
other Kate might have loved you, but I don't.
Good morrow, nephew!
I just saw thy Kate come by me
with her eyes all veiled in tears.
I sent her home.
Her woman's heart did break in being parted from me
but t'was right.
My heart doth burn to charge into the field!
The red hot breath of action roars in me!
Five hundred Cheshire yeoman have we, yes?
We shall arrange them up by Harlescott
Better to look down upon the field
and rain their missiles on King Henry's power!
The cavalry from Wales--
Yea, yea, but first--
This letter comes from old Northumberland.
A letter from him. Why comes he not himself?
He cannot come: he says he is grievous sick.
I prithee, tell me, doth he keep his bed?
He did, his rider said, four days ago
and at the time of his departure thence
he was much feared by his physicians.
We must amend our plans: I say withdraw.
Yet all goes well, yet all our joints are whole!
I loath to crush that Spring in you, my lord
with further winter words but here's further news.
The Earl of Westmoreland, seven thousand strong
is marching hitherwards; with him Prince John.
No harm: what more?
And further, I have learn'd
the king himself in person is set forth
with strong and mighty preparation!
He shall be welcome too.
Where is his son, that nimble-footed madcap Prince of Wales
and his comrades?
All furnish'd, all in arms.
All plumed like estridges that with the wind
baited like eagles having lately bathed.
Glittering in golden coats, like images
as full of spirit as the month of May
and gorgeous as the sun--
Let them come on: they come like sacrifices in their trim
and to the fire-eyed maid of smoky war
all hot and bleeding will we offer them!
We'll fight with him tonight.
Good nephew, be advised; we must withdraw!
You speak but out of fear and a cold heart.
Do me no slander, Douglas: by my life
I hold as little counsel with weak fear
as you my lord, or any man that lives!
The number of the king exceedeth ours.
For God's sake nephew, we must withdraw!
Thy father's sickness is a maim to us
a perilous gash, a very limb lopped off.
Before we rode from Bangor father gave
all deeds and rights of my inheritance to me.
All powers and authority.
He trusted me to be our family.
I am the latest in that line of sons
that stretcheth back through centuries long gone.
Each drop of blood in me doth bear that debt.
I'll play the part of old Northumberland
and you shall see his manly strength in me
reflected as a blade reflects the sun.
My Lord of Worcester, is this not Hotspur?
Why doubt you his prowess in leading us?
Have you no pride in him? Have you no faith?
If Hotspur says that we can win this fight
then I shall stand beside him and not quail.
Pray, do not take my caution as a sign
that I am not proud of thee.
I am. Thy life has run by in so small a span.
Why I recall, but yesterday it seems
a little boy who stood not three feet high
and could not mount his horse.
I picked him up, I sat him in the saddle, gave him reigns.
He galloped off.
And now he has returned
though I and that boy both have been transformed
by time, and I see now
thou art a man.
Your love doth make me twice the man I am.
And if I fall, so falls the man you know
with all these honours you bestow intact.
How now, my rebel lords!
It is not well that you and I should meet upon such terms
as now we meet.
You have deceived our trust
making us doff the easy robes of peace
to crush our old limbs in ungentle steel.
It is not well, my lords, it is not well.
For mine own part, I could be well content
to entertain the lag-end of my life
with quiet hours; for I do protest
I have not sought the day of this dislike.
You have not sought it? Hah!
How comes it then?
It pleased your majesty to turn your looks
of favour from myself and all our house!
If Hotspur's good deserts have been forgot
we bid you name your griefs and with all speed
you shall have your desires with interest
and pardon absolute for yourself and these
herein misled by your suggestion.
Do not believe this snake, this King of smiles
who knows but how to promise, not to pay!
This must be Douglas, Scotland's hairy thane
though out of orbit, Heaven knows you're further south
than he has a right to be!
Your majesty should check the map again.
Put muzzles on your dog before he bites
or you shall answer to the
crown for him.
We gave you that same royalty you wear.
And when you were not six and twenty strong
sick in the world's regard, wretched and low
my father gave you welcome to the shore.
And when the lords and barons of the realm
perceived Northumberland did lean to you
the more and less came in with cap and knee!
In short time after, you deposed the king.
Soon after that, deprived him of his life.
Disgraced me in my happy victories
rated mine uncle from the council-board.
In rage dismissed my father from the court.
Broke oath on oath, committed wrong on wrong
and in conclusion drove us to seek out
this head of safety; and withal to pry
into your title, the which we find
too indirect for long continuance!
These things indeed you have articulate
with some fine colour that may please the eye
to face the garment of rebellion.
In both our armies there is many a soul
shall pay full dearly for this encounter
if once they join in trial.
Therefore Hotspur: I do not think a braver gentleman
more active-valiant or more valiant-young
more daring or more bold, is now alive.
For my part, I may speak it to my shame
I have a truant been to chivalry
yet this before my father's majesty
I will, to save the blood on either side
try fortune with you in a single fight.
You cannot offer this in earnestness.
Presume not that I am the thing I was
for God doth know, so shall the world perceive
that I have turn'd away my former self.
In thy image I now create my life.
An image, nothing more, a thin shadow
a mere player dressing as a man.
So much art thou, a fake, a counterfeit!
I'll rip thy honour from thee at the root!
I'll drag thee 10 times round the walls of Troy
and make a trophy of thy battered corpse!
♪ This quarrel lies not just
on your heads alone.
Therefore, I say
to arms!
Sound every drum!
Rebuke and dread correction wait on us!
We offered fair, yet now we'll set on you
and God befriend us, as our cause is just!
To arms, gentlemen, to arms and steel yourselves!
Raugh!
It's close!
The doorway's close, we're almost there!
Hold up thy head, vile Scot, or thou art like
never to hold it up again.
It is the Prince of Wales that threatens thee!
The Douglas is pursued!
Nay, 'tis not him!
It is, I saw him through the smoke, it is!
Our allies need our aid, come, mount your horse!
Nay, where is Hal? Where is the Prince of Wales?
I saw him even now! The Prince must die!
Your rivalry can wait, they need our help!
Without it I am nothing!
Go, I'll stay, and if I cannot find him I will come.
Hal!
This is it!
Get out of here!
We can't stay, it's too dangerous!
This is the spot!
- There's nothing here! - Sam, we have to leave!
This is where the doorway will be!
Go to! I'll cut you down!
I say go to!
But this is where you die!
I know where I'm supposed to be!
Girl, I don't think you do!
We've made it.
We've made it!
Who are they?
People.
Real people!
Hi. I'm Sam.
What's your name?
Angie.
Angie! Hi Angie!
I'll see you on the other side, Angie!
Come on!
I'm coming home!
Are you coming?
Where?
Out.
No!
Why not? She did it.
My father, my uncle, Kate
my whole life is here.
It's just a performance.
Prince Hal. Prince Hal is here, I have to...
It's just a performance.
It's your line.
If I mistake not, thou art Harry Monmouth.
Thou speak'st as if I would deny my name.
My name...
My name is Harry Hotspur!
No. No no no, wait, please--
I am a son, I am a nephew
I... Am princely
I am mighty.
I am loved. And I am happy!
Nay, do not shake thy head
I say I am the happiest man on earth
for I have all that men could ever wish!
Go thou thy ways, foul thing, and nevermore I beg thee
nevermore to visit me.
I say again I am the happiest man!
I'll find you. You look out for me next time.
But we will go together. I will find you--
I am the Prince of Wales
and think not, Percy
to share with me in glory any more.
Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere
nor can one England brook a double reign
of Harry Hotspur and the Prince of Wales.
Nor shall it, Harry; for the hour is come
to end the one of us; and would to God
thy name and glory were now as great as mine.
I'll make it greater ere I part from thee
and with the budding honours on thy crest
I'll crop, to make a garland for my head!
Raaaugh!
You have a speech now.
You're supposed to give a beautiful speech about honour
and pride and death.
And then you go out nobly, and I get to be magnanimous.
Thus ever did rebellion find rebuke.
When that this body did contain a spirit
a kingdom for it was too small a bound.
But now
two paces of the vilest earth
is room enough: this earth that bears it dead
bears not alive so stout a gentleman.
Well done, my boy.
I am proud of thee at last.
No, foolish thing--
Lay on--
Lay on ya wee and scrawny thing--
Do you not love me--
So shaken as we are, so wan with care
find we a time for frighted peace to pant
and breathe short-winded accents of new broils
to be commenced in strands afar remote.
No more the thirsty entrance of this soil
shall daub her lips with her own children's blood.
Nor more shall trenching war channel her fields
nor bruise her flowerets with the armèd hoofs
of hostile paces: those opposèd eyes
which, like the meteors of a troubled heaven
all of one nature, of one substance bred
did lately meet in the intestine shock
and furious close of civil butchery
shall now, in mutual well-beseeming ranks
march all one way
and be no more opposed
against acquaintance, kindred
and allies.
The edge of war, like an ill-sheathèd knife
no more shall cut his master.
Therefore, friends, as far as to the
sepulchre of Christ
forthwith a power of English shall we levy
whose arms were moulded in their mothers' wombs
to chase those pagans from those holy fields.
But this our purpose now is 12 month old
and bootless 'tis to tell you we will go.
Therefore we meet not now.
Then let me hear from you, most valued loyal friend
what yesternight our council did decree
in forwarding this dear expedience.
My liege, this haste was hot in question
and many limits of the charge set down
but yesternight: when all athwart there came
a post from Scotland, leaden with grave news.
Harry Hotspur, or so you call her
fought valiantly against the Earl of Douglas.
Because war makes men of us
or so she'd been told
and her father loved her for it.
Raugh!
Lay on!
Lay on ya wee and scrawny thing
I've fought grandmothers with more strength than ye!
Raugh!
And she wasn't alone.
She had Prince Hal with her
who had trudged all the way from London
to see if he could kill a part of himself
as easily as Hotspur killed Scots.
Yea, there thou makest me sad
and makest me sin in envy
that my Lord Northumberland
should be the father to so blest a child
a...
daughter
who is the theme of honour's tongue.
Whi-whi-whilst I, by looking on the praise of...
see riot and dishonour stain the brow of my young worry.
I mean Harry.
I worry.
I don't want him to miss out
on everything I've set aside for him.
On your feet, Prince Hal.
- These wars make men of us. - Are you a man?
A spent one.
O that it could be proved
that some night-tripping fairy
had exchanged Northumberland's child with mine
when they were born
then would I have his Harry, and he mine.
I don't mean that.
My boy. I don't mean that.
Are you Northumberland or Henry?
I'm Dad?
I'm Dad!
Where are we?
Hi!
Do any of you recognise this?
Hey.
Hey, hey!
I'm really sorry I'm late.
The train it just decided to stop in Hayward's Heath
for 15 minutes for absolutely no fucking reason.
Bloody Thameslink, hey?
How are you?
I'm good, how are you-- oh! Oh.
You're looking well.
Yea-- thanks! Yeah.
Good to see you.
Could have picked a nicer day for it mind.
Yeah, yeah, the Boardwalk's usually really nice in summer.
I guess the cold weather's still clinging on.
Yeah, the weather those couple of days last week though
when it was gorgeous, but yeah, I guess winter's back now.
So you've been up to anything?
Um, yeah. I'm all over.
I'm London based
but I've just got back from Belize last week.
- Belize? - Yeah!
It's gorgeous, I went on this huge hike to this huge lake
called Five Blues, 'cause it's got five rivers
running into it, and then some howler monkeys
chucked poo at me.
I thought that was made up but it turns out wild monkeys
actually really do throw shit at you.
It was fine! I just washed it off in the lake.
Well, I don't think I could do that.
Where else have you been?
All over, um...
I did the Caribbean first, as soon as I got out
and got my life together.
And I really needed some sun
so I got a job on a cruise ship, believe it or not!
Really?
Yeah! Really interesting people.
Quite a lot like us actually.
We had a little on-board community.
Yeah, there was this one girl from Glasgow
who'd been stuck inside "The Taming of the Shrew"
and this Dutch guy who'd played Duke Frederick
in "As You Like It"
and um, oh!
One of the chefs had recently escaped from a dimension
that was entirely "Phantom of the Opera."
Just "Phantom of the Opera?"
No "Cats" or "Jesus Christ Superstar" or--
Apparently not, no.
Apparently there's no interconnected
Lloyd-Weber-verse down there, it's just "Phantom."
For 35 years.
What about you?
Oh yeah, I'm good. I'm um, I'm directing a play.
Yeah, in Brighton. At the Brighton Fringe.
Yeah, yeah.
No.
No, sorry. That was a lie.
I just um...
I came here.
That's nice. Peaceful.
The seaside?
Yeah, it's tough.
It's like... Now what, y'know?
I'm really glad to see you again.
Thank you for reaching out.
Of course.
I mean, it's whatever.
You got out; I got out. All's Well That Ends Well.
Do not talk to me like Shakespeare. Blegh!
Oh my god, sorry.
I genuinely didn't even realise I was doing it.
I got you a present actually.
Turn around.
Ta-dah!
It came in handy.
It's not magic anymore.
I just thought it might look cool on a shelf or something.
Well
thank you.
I'm meeting some old friends for lunch. Do you wanna come?
I'd better get ready for work.
You sure? What time's your shift?
Um, it's not till this evening but um...
I've still got some stuff to sort out in the flat, so.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, good to see you, yeah?
Oh yeah.
I-I'll message you sometime
maybe next time you're in Brighton.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah!
You take it easy, yeah?
Hey.
Hey gorgeous!
You're looking good, girl!
Thank you!
Where's the others?
They're just catching up. Is Sam coming?
Uh, no, I don't--
Oh, is she in?
Oh, no.
Did you give her the map back?
Yeah, I um... I invited her to come with us.
It does take some people a little bit longer.
Remember what Dad was like?
It's not your fault. You offered.
It is hard to get used to playing a new role, as it were.
That's life though, isn't it; that's everything.
All the world's a stage.