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Love, the most powerful force in the universe.
Or so some say.
At the dawn of mankind, the selection of a mate was a matter of survival.
Eventually, people began to choose partners
out of loyalty to family or tribe.
The industrial revolution gave us the telegraph and the telephone,
the 90's the internet, and today, with the metaverse
nearly indistinguishable from real life,
most of us prefer to live, laugh, and love virtually.
Who am I?
My name is Roddy Danger.
And this is where it all began.
I was working part time stocking shelves to pay the bills,
maybe even earn a few extra credits
for a power-up or some new skins.
I mean, I always believed I was destined for more,
but I didn't have the confidence to go after it...
until I met her.
Kimberly and I have been together ever since.
We've explored every inch of the metaverse together. She's been my rock.
She was the one who encouraged me to pursue gaming full-time.
Here. I want you to have this.
And as we grew together, so did my spot on the leaderboard.
I was on top of the world...
I'm so proud of you. I knew you could it.
...until I wasn't.
It was a crippling defeat.
Hey, did you maybe wanna get up today?
For a while, I just felt like I couldn't win.
When I fell apart, my relationship took the hit.
No, it's fine. Uh, we don't have to celebrate my birthday this year.
This is the second time this is happening.
I'm going to stay at my mom's virtual cabin in New Hampshire.
I don't blame her for giving me an ultimatum.
Okay. But this is your last chance, Roddy. I mean it.
I'm lucky she gave me another chance and this time, I had to get it right.
Seriously?
What is it, Shifrin?
Sir. Sir.
I... Ugh.
- Thousand apologies for the interruption.
It seems very urgent. You have a fight request.
Well, who might you be?
Subscribe.
I accept.
Kluck versus Danger.
Three, two, one.
Fight.
Goodbye, Roddy.
An angry mob of mostly peaceful protestors
stormed Los Angeles city hall last night,
killing two and causing millions in property damage,
in the third night of dangerous civil unrest.
Infections are spiking, fatalities are on the rise
and country-wide morale is at an all-time low.
In more pressing news, last night brought yet another
unsurprising victory for video game fan-favorite, Kalvin Kluck.
Whoo, Kalvin! Oh, he's the best!
We're lucky enough to get him for an exclusive interview right here tonight on the show.
- Kalvin, welcome. - What's up? Thanks for having me.
- Subscribe. - We have subscribed.
Oh, we subscribed so hard. You were great last night.
Congratulations on your victory over relative new-comer, Roddy Danger.
People are saying that the relationship
between Danger and his long-time girlfriend, Kimberly Martin,
- is on the rocks. You gonna pounce on that? - Most def.
Now tell me this. Once you've hit it,
will you or will you not quit it?
- Oh, probably. - You're a gentleman and a scholar, my buddy.
Oh! Very exciting stuff, Kalvin. Thanks for joining us on the show.
I would like to take a moment to thank our sponsors for this stream.
Payless Shoe Source and the new Brunswick chapter of Antifa.
Coming up next, we'll spill the tea
on why this star of Beverly Hills Bitches
and this NBA hopeful are both being canceled.
The answer might surprise you, but it probably...
More after the break.
Kimberly?
Are you in here?
I was just about to clean up actually.
I was planning on it this morning.
What do you want, Roddy? I'm in...
I'm not good right now. I need her back.
Well, maybe, you shouldn't have acted like such a child.
Okay. Well, at least I'm not a racist.
You're a prick, and I'm going back to therapy.
- Wait, wait, wait. - What, Roddy?
Can you just, like, ask your therapist what I should do?
Like, a professional opinion?
That's not what therapists do. Goodbye.
No, they're professional opinion givers. They give...
They give opinions... professionally.
Clarissa, is everything all right?
Sorry, that was my cousin, Kimberly's boyfriend.
Or I guess ex-boyfriend. I don't know. He's such an idiot.
She thought he was gonna propose...
Yeah, listen, uh, Clarissa, why don't we get back to talking about you for a second, okay?
Tell me. Why do you think you're such a shallow, worthless human being?
Is that what you think of me?
Is that, like, your professional opinion, "Doctor"?
Oh, forgive me, sweetheart. I was just mirroring back
what you said to me before you picked up what seemed to be
a wholly unimportant FaceTime call during a session.
Right, right, right. Okay. So, everyone hates me right now.
Like, they fired me from BHB.
I'm sorry. BHB?
My show, Beverly Hills Bitches.
Airing Sundays at 9:00 p.m., only on TruTv.
Oh, honey, sweetheart. No, you don't have to plug it, I'm not gonna watch.
Well, basically, everyone's, like, really mad or whatever
because I didn't post a black square on Instagram on #BlackoutTuesday.
It was, like, right after George Foreman was murdered
and everyone was, like, pretending to care about police brutality or whatever.
Yeah, I'm curious, why didn't you?
I thought everyone was supposed to post it.
- I don't know! I was busy and I forgot! - I see.
So, now you feel like a...
Go ahead. You can say it.
A worthless, shallow human being.
Good girl. There you go.
Okay. So, this is why you were canceled?
Well, no. No, I got canceled because of the photo that I posted instead.
- Dear Lord!
Is it that bad?
Why would you post something like that on BlackoutTuesday?
My account was on auto-post. It was a paid ad from a sponsor for a mud mask.
Well, then why would you caption it "BLDM"?
It's #BleuDemure! It's French!
Honestly, I thought it was gonna be
like the #PrayforParis thing.
You know, I didn't know everyone was gonna be, like, oh, we're all doing this.
I need prayers. And where is everyone for me?
You know, all prayers matter. That's how I feel.
- And I feel like... I so wish you could hear
what this girl is saying right now.
I just have no tolerance for racism.
Where are you right now? At a rally?
No, I'm with a patient. But... yeah, yeah.
And you know what? We just pulled down a statue of Mister Rogers.
That is so hot that you're involved in social justice.
My wife wouldn't be caught dead at a rally.
He's obsessed. It's like there's a wall up between us.
- He doesn't see me. - It's my job!
- Yeah. - I have to be obsessed.
- It's like you're last at bat and the bases are loaded... - If I can...
...and all of the sudden, boom, you're in the penalty box.
- You have no idea what he is talking about. - Do I have to spell it out?
- Everything is canceled. - Yeah, but...
- NBA, NFL, NWO... - WNBA?
- Next thing you know, they're gonna cancel the NAACP. - NAACP?
- I don't understand anything he's talking about!
- He won't look at me, he won't touch me. - Right.
- He won't kiss me. - I won't kiss her, she says.
Wearing that thing on her face, which will not take off...
I want to tolerate, but... time out.
We've been quarantining together for months.
- I'm not gonna get you sick! - It's not that, I just can't.
- What's behind the mask, Angela? - I'm hideous.
There's no one to attend my cosmetic needs.
I feel ugly.
I don't feel like I'm your priority.
Okay. That's... I didn't know that.
Uh, of course, you're my priority, Angela.
Look, I'm here. Talking to the coach.
Or... Uh, Dr. Divine. Right?
- Look. Nothing is more important to me than...
I'm so sorry, I gotta take this.
You see what I mean? It is impossible to talk to him.
- You're not speaking the same language. - No, my English's premium.
I take ESL for six months after Barry bought me.
Yeah, but it's deeper than that.
I am going to send you a copy of a book that I think might help.
It's called Sports as a second language:
Communicating with toxic masculinity, by Ray Rice.
I'm not doin' it. I'm not doin' this V-Ball thing, man.
Monte, how can you say that? You're killin' it, man.
We are this close to making real bank here.
I'm still trying to dig you out of the PR nightmare of your last press conference.
I don't even know what I did wrong, for real.
Uh, foot rub, Connect Four,
grilled cheese sandwich and Mariah Carey. Good question.
They're treating you as a virus.
Come on.
Nah, man. No.
I don't have the virus.
Look, I'll prove it.
You're gettin' that? Gettin' that? No virus.
Whack 'em all that virus. Whack 'em all.
You got two-thirds of the NBA sick!
People are not exactly thrilled with you right now.
I also lost everything, man. You know when Viv found out
I didn't have a contract anymore, she broke up with me.
- Monte, you killed her grandmother. - Allegedly.
- Vivian! - Gam-gam!
And you must be La Monte.
I would give you a hug, but I'm 87 years old.
Oh, no, no.
I don't have the virus, gam-gam. Look, I'll prove it.
- Gold digger. - Okay. Monte, well, if that really is the case,
then as your agent, I would advise you
against dating girls that only want you for your status.
You know, Barry, I would really take that in the heart
if you were still my agent!
Wait, what? What does that mean?
Baby, after all we've been through,
I wanna play a song for you that means so much to me,
just like you mean so much to me.
♪ Imagine... ♪
Sorry.
Sorry, one second.
Uh... Oh, a-ha!
Imagine by the...
- Shit, sorry.
These projections are looking great, boss.
Next score's gonna be awesome.
So, the laborers are working overtime for the merch drop.
And your Kluckcoin is up 10,000%.
- What up, sweetheart? - Wow!
- Everybody wants to be part of the clan. - Oh, subscribe.
- Is there anything else I can do for you, sir? - Actually, there is.
I need you to find out everything you can about Kimberly Martin.
Kimberly Martin.
Oh, here she is.
Ended relationship with Roddy Danger.
There's your girl. Looks like, boss... Girl looks like Margerie. Oh!
Don't you say her name, you sycophantic cumspot.
I died that day.
I remember like it was yesterday.
'Cause it was the night that changed my life forever.
- Are you Kalvin? - Yeah.
This is for you.
Who is it from?
Dear, Kalvin.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately
and struggling to find the words to really express
how I feel about you in a way that you'll be able to receive.
And while I find your adoration flattering,
I want you to know that even if we're the last two people on Earth
and the fate of humanity depended on us,
I would so rather take my chances
trying to procreate with a giant feral tree sloth than to be with you.
Wishing you only the best as far away as humanly possible from me.
I truly believe you'll never amount to anything.
Yours never, Margerie.
P.S. Don't come to camp this summer.
She's not coming.
You're looking for love? You just gotta subscribe to the universe, man.
I'll make it subscribe to me.
They'll subscribe.
- They'll all subscribe.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Her status.
Ah. Subscribe.
What is it?
I struck out.
Monte ejected himself from the game.
No more time outs.
Even my father was right. Maybe I...
I'm just not cut out for the big leagues.
I almost thought I could do better than junior varsity, but look at me.
- Junior varsity? I thought you were working on some big... - He hung up on me.
He didn't wanna hear me out. He didn't wanna listen.
Now I really have no one.
I've nothing.
You have me.
Do I? Do I really?
You don't think I know you've been hanging around the batting cages?
You don't think I can tell that you've been swinging at someone else's pitches?
- It's not like that! - Hold on here.
Whoo! We've got a lot flying back and forth.
And, Barry, I do wanna circle back around on some of those Daddy issues,
but one thing at a time.
Angela, is there something you would like to share with Barry?
Well, it's not a secret that Barry hasn't been attentive to my needs lately.
And it started when Nordstroms closed down
and I had to start shopping online.
Hi, I'm Chatbot. I'll be your virtual liaison.
If you like to try our new AR almost-real shopping experience,
- just say yes. - Yes.
Great! Follow me!
Hmm.
Oh, my, you are gorgeous in that dress.
Really?
Holy mackerel, you look like someone with self-esteem.
That dress is gonna get you your husband's validation
and approval... and it has pockets!
So, tell me, Chatbot, how did you end up working at a place like this?
You should be running this company.
Well, it all started with my grandfather, Clippy, the Microsoft Word paper clip.
He came to this country with nothing,
but pulled himself up by his bootstraps.
I too started with humble beginnings
as a spellchecker for Mavis Beacon.
In the early 2000s, I worked my way up as an e-commerce backend.
From there I got myself a neural linguistic AI upgrade and got hired here.
I probably shouldn't be telling you this,
but I'm leaving soon to work full-time on my dating app start-up.
I am also an immigrant. I have been given everything
and yet I am not happy...
- until now. - Do you love him?
Or... Eh...
I don't know, Barry, he really gets me. We speak the same language.
- He created a dating app with an allergin... - Algorithm.
I mean that, yeah.
And it has a perfect success rate for setting up couples.
Okay. That's stupid and impossible.
Well, if you don't rush and you could actually let...
I am trying. It's hard. The letters are backwards, I'm trying.
My wife is as frigid as a frozen nun.
Tell me about it. My husband, he does nothing but work.
He hasn't touched me in months.
Oh, that's criminal. I would touch you... I would touch you all over.
Eggplant emoji.
Well, I would top that eggplant emoji with parmesan. Waterfall emoji!
Eggplant, eggplant, eggplant.
Grand Canyon... Waterfall. - Eggplant. Eggplant.
- Christmas, Santa Claus. Oh... I'm drowning...
Pharaoh King of Egypt!
Eggplant emoji.
Mother of God!
I just feel so alone right now and trying to date
while the media is dragging me through the mud
is literally impossible.
Well, that's understandable. I mean, I think a lot of men
might be turned off by the thought of dating a racist.
That's not the problem. Plenty of men wanna date me.
- Then, I'm sorry. What's the problem? - I don't wanna date someone
- who wants to date a racist. - The racist being you?
These guys just wanna date me because I'm pretty and I'm famous...
- You may need to sandbag. - I don't know what that means.
Well, it's the classic reverse catfish.
You downplay your looks and your celebrity
in order to attract someone who would love you for you.
And while you're at it, you might wanna work on
not being such a racist. Just for fun.
- Sandbag? - And in turn it will allow you
to be more... self. And...
Clarissa?
Sandbag?
Hey, little bear. How's my biggest disappointment doing?
I'm not your little bear anymore, Dad.
- Okay? I represent the second largest... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aren't you representing Esports gamers or something?
It's V-Ball, Dad.
Esports guys aren't real athletes.
Bunch of smelly teenagers on their mother's couches
who've never felt another man's sweat drip down their backsides.
Yeah. V-Ball isn't like regular Esports, Dad.
They're real athletes, they're shooting hoops.
They can feel plenty of skin through the haptic suits.
You can't feel another grown man's hot breath
on your genitals through a haptic suit.
- Why can't anything I say be right? - Stop being such a little girl.
You're like Timothee Chalamet in Little Women.
Why can't I just be one of the little women?
- 'Cause those girls are winners! - Are you calling just to torture me?
No. You still representing that La Monte Mar kid?
They're calling him the Black Larry Bird.
Yes, I know. It doesn't matter. There's no league, anyway.
- There's a new one starting up. - What are you talking about?
- The outbreak was on every single continent except... - Antarctica.
- No, no, no. No, you're insane. - This is an opportunity to get in on the ground floor.
Imagine, live ballgames, raw adrenaline,
testosterone, muscled man-on-man action in HD.
- Mmm. - Give me one reason not to hang up on you right now.
Listen, little bear, I know I've been tough on you,
but I want you to be a winner so bad, you're this close.
Remember, we don't just do it for the game,
we do it for the camaraderie, for the locker room,
for the post-game shower with the team.
I got a table at Kaboom tonight.
You bring the talent and you're in... with me.
Sorry about that. Thank you so much for seeing me, Doctor.
I was just getting my dinner ready, but, uh...
I could really use some of your advice.
Tell me how can I help you.
Well, I would like to win my girlfriend back immediately if that's possible.
If we could be back together by later tonight,
I would love that. I've been texting her all the time.
She blocked me on WhatsApp. I made a LinkedIn profile
and messaged from LinkedIn, so that's kind of where I'm at desperation-wise.
Well, most people believe that acceptance and moving on
is the way to get through a breakup.
Uh, but that's not always true.
Or a mistake. Yeah. I agree.
These are mistakes. So, what would your suggestion be?
Well, conventional wisdom would suggest that you are possibly trying too hard.
But what if you're not trying hard enough?
No, that's not it because I'm calling her, I'm hounding her friends.
The second she posts an Instagram story, I let her know right away,
"I love you forever and I'll never stop loving you," you know.
"And I'm... I'm dying without you and I wanna kill myself," so...
What do you want me to do? Actual cyberstalking?
- Like, hack into her network and intercept her emails? - Now you're talking.
I can't go down that road again, Doc.
I've actually been down there.
You talkin' about the bowels of the dark web. I don't think that's a good idea.
And we have doctor-patient confidentiality, right?
- You're not screen recording this or anything?
Okay. Well, looks like our time is up, so, uh...
Really? It's only been two minutes though.
Well, you wanted to know how to get your lady back and I told you.
I mean, like, other therapists, they would've wasted the whole hour
waiting for you to come up with it, but instead I cut to the chase.
You're welcome. So, was there anything else that you needed?
I guess not. Thank you?
Do I have to pay for this?
Are you biting your lip? I mean...
No, thank you. Best of luck with your life.
Looks like we're back in the game for one last job.
I thought I fired you.
You got someone else offering you a contract to play ball?
I already have a contract to play V-Ball.
- What do I need you for? - Not V.
I'm talking real live ball.
- Oh, you serious? - Yeah, I mean, I didn't believe it either.
These guys are really doin' it. They're bringing ball back.
- Okay. I'll believe it when I see it. - All right, well,
come to Club Kaboom tonight and I'll show you.
I'm not going to a V-Club alone. What if Viv is there?
- So, bring a date. - Where am I supposed to find a date, Barry?
- That's what clubs are for! - Okay, don't bring a date. I don't care, man.
- Just please show up tonight. - Well...
You want me to come to your party?
- Find me a date. - Okay.
- So, my wife is having an affair with an AI. - Allen Iverson?
Oh, God. No, I wish. No, it's like a...
It's a Nordstrom's virtual assistant.
And apparently, he has this dating app that's got
the world's best compatibility algorithm.
- So, what's your point? - It's not really cheating if it's with an AI, right?
- You need to get a grip on your life. - Yeah, I probably do.
Look, here, I'm gonna sign you up for this app.
I'm gonna send you a link right now. Click on that link
and make a profile. Don't use your real name.
And as my dad always says, "Oh, leave the ball play to me."
Your dad really says that?
Just hack into the ISP mainframe,
trace her IP address to the beta synapse.
And I'm back in boyfriend business, baby.
Did you know I was a wizard who knows magic?
Oh... Kobe. Rest in peace.
Welcome to Soul-Date:
the world's first AI aggregated platform for finding love.
I'm Chatbot, your social liaison.
Um, What's up, Chat? I'm La Monte.
She can't know I play ball.
I'm a... Uh...
coach.
Coach... Swish.
Coach Swish.
Pleasure's all mine, Coach.
Now, please tell me a little bit about yourself.
Maybe just say basketball coach.
Is something wrong, Coach?
- Nailed it. - So, tell me. What are you looking for?
Hmm. I want a girl that's real.
Not shallow and fake.
And none of that Chalamet shit either.
I want a girl that's chill.
Someone who cares about racial equality
and don't really care about me being a high school basketball coach.
I want a girl... I want a girl that's on the right side of history.
I'll find you just what you're looking for.
If anyone understands human connection, it's me, a computer.
All right, Chat, how's this?
Are you sure you want to use this photo?
Yes, I'm sure, man. This is the real me.
Great! Let's find you some bitches!
- How about her? - Nah. No, next.
- How about her? - Why are you showing me this?
She's wearing a KKK shirt! No racists, man.
My bad. That one's on me.
Come on, man. You know, none of these girls are what I'm looking for.
- I did just get one more in. - All right. Let's see it.
All right. This one looks okay.
Let's get you guys on a video call immediately.
- Initiating call now. -
Shit. She's gonna recognize me.
Hey.
Hey, is this Sally Mae?
Your video is not working. Your whole face is blacked out.
Yeah, sorry. My camera broke at, um...
- ...a protest.
I have so much respect for the African American community.
Oh, yeah?
Respect, respect.
Oh, I can't see you. You're too dark.
Oh, yeah. Uh, they just turned my power off.
I couldn't afford to pay my bills.
I'm just a simple high school JV basketball coach.
Wow. I love how down-to-earth you are.
You're so raw and real.
So, uh, tell me about yourself. What do you do for fun?
Oh, um, you know, so much,
volunteering, uh, community bridge building,
taking responsibility for unchecked moments.
I really like you, Sally Mae.
You're not like the other girls I'm used to talking to.
Which is zero other girls, 'cause again,
I'm just a simple high school JV basketball coach.
You're different, too, Coach Swish. Your energy is like, contagious.
Oh. Please, uh, just call me Coach.
Coach Swish is... Was my father.
Coach. You're so refreshing.
- Like an exfoliating mud mask! - God, no!
Honey, I'm doing laundry. So, don't come in here!
Now, where were we?
I'm thinking about taking off these khakis
and slipping into something more comfortable.
Yeah, you should take off these khakis. They're too tight.
- Are they pleated? - They're pleated now, baby.
Oh, you got a khaki tent for me?
- I want you so bad! I want you so bad!
Oh, I got an idea. Let's lock my husband in a room and run away together.
Yeah. Or even better. Let's chain him to my wife
because it seems like they deserve each other.
I love that idea. I love it!
Let's meet for real! Not just text!
You mean... - Yeah. VR. Tonight, 9:00 p.m.
Sweetheart, what was that? - Nothing.
- Is everything all right in here? - Jesus Christ, Devine!
- I'm doing laundry. Get out! - Right. Right. Just so you know,
I'm working late tonight, and I can't be disturbed.
Oh, so, what else is new?
Would you please get out? I'm about to do colors!
Wait. Computer, pause code!
Pausing code.
Club Kaboom?
Are you a mega wealthy sports conglomerate business owner,
or a lonely, horny single with a recent breakup?
Well, that's an oddly specific demographic.
Come enjoy all the carnal pleasures
of the virtual world at Club Kaboom, Tokyo's hottest virtual club.
Nancy, hold my calls. Daddy's going out tonight.
Very important night for me.
Everything needs to go off without a hitch. Okay?
- Every shot needs to be a goal. - Sounds good.
- Can you get ready, please? - Yeah, in a minute.
- It's him, isn't it? - I was just looking at a... meh-meh.
- What's meh... Oh, meme? - Ah...
- Who sent you a meme? - It was Chat.
It was Chat.
Of course it was Chat.
You know what? Just tell me, did you...
You know what?
With him?
Is he bigger than me?
- Did you hear that? - Yes, I heard it.
At least we don't have to sneak around anymore.
You're the only one who sees me, Chat.
And you deserve to be seen, IP number 65747338.11.
- I don't deserve you. - Look, I have an idea.
I think we should go to that party.
Go make yourself up, put on one of those sexy virtual dresses
we just bought, and knock 'em dead.
- Barry won't know what hit him! - I don't know.
I haven't been out in so long.
You've got this. I know you do.
- Okay, I'll do it for you. - You know what else you can do for me?
Put that phone on vibrate real quick and I'll show you.
- Is that all you think about? - Fair enough.
Hey, that's not fair. You just got here.
Can I help you, young man?
Hello, fellow cool guy, I would like to get into your club establishment.
Yeah, everybody would. It's a dope club.
- You on the list? - No, but... I'm Roddy Danger. I'm a professional gamer.
- People watch sometimes. - It's dope, dude. Are you ranked?
Yeah. Actually, yeah. Top 650?
Oh, nice. Congrats. That's pretty cool... said nobody ever.
Look, bro, if you're not top ten and you're not on the list,
which is somethin' you're also not tonight,
so you're two for two in the "not" category.
Then you're... Wait for it... not coming in!
There's your third not. And we also got a dress code, okay?
No jeans, no tennis shoes.
And no weird thing that's going on with your mouth.
- It's scaring the shit out of people. - Oh, come on, man.
Please, just... Can you just give me a break?
Bro, I stopped giving people breaks
after Rick Moranis stopped acting.
You wanna stand in line over there and wait? Be my guest.
But I got too many dudes in there right now
trying to get with chicks, and I need to keep this area clear.
No, don't... Don't, please...
Congratulations. You've been moved to back of the line.
Hey, dudes. Friday night.
Angela? It's, uh, it's 7:50.
Kick off's at 8:00. So, told you this is really important to me.
- Go ahead without me. - Why? What are you doing in there?
Just go. I'll meet you there.
Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I...
I overreacted.
I... I really need you playing D for me tonight, okay?
Oh! Yuck.
- Get out! - Yeah, I should.
Hey.
- Are you seriously still in bed? - Evidently.
Come on! I need you to come with me tonight. We're going out.
- I don't really feel up for it. - Oh, my God.
You need to let this whole Roddy thing go.
Okay? He's not good for you. He is a boy and you need a man.
- If you're not gonna do it for yourself,
then do it for me, okay? I can't go to a V-Club
by myself at night. It's not safe.
I don't really feel up to it.
This doesn't have to do with, like, the whole me getting canceled thing, does it?
Of course not. No, I just, um...
- Lemme think about it. - No! No, that just means you're going to blow me off,
which normally would be fine, but, like, not tonight. Please.
Uh, lemme... Lemme call you back, okay?
- Just one second. - What the fuck?
We got your table waiting for you.
All right. There's gotta be a security flaw in here somewhere, right?
Nothing can be perfect, right?
Give me something good.
Wait. Computer, pause code.
Okay, wait. That can't be right, right?
Oh, shit, no!
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Daddy did it bad. No, no, no, no.
Well, I think I need some backup.
There he is. Take a seat!
There are some people I want you to meet.
This is Vlad, Sergey, Stav, and Bones.
- Pleasure to meet you all. - So, where's the golden boy?
- He'll be here, Dad. - He'd better be!
We need him to get back to some real hetero ball playing.
Let's cut to chase.
We're looking to make a deal today.
Welcome to the single life.
No way.
Hey, Kim. I heard things are on the outs with Roddy.
Breakups are, like, really hard.
I want you to know I'm here for you emotionally, as a friend
and also very much sexually.
Anyway, I hope you like this video. Subscribe.
Well, isn't this something?
I didn't expect to see your rat ass on my screen again.
You know we can't talk to you. We're with Kalvin now.
- You guys are in the Klan? Kalvin Kluck Klan!
Kalvin takes care of us.
Puts a roof over our heads. He's a benevolent leader.
Yeah, even if we weren't with him,
I mean, we can't be talking to you.
You got a maxed out tab and no collateral.
Look, I'm desperate, all right?
What kind of keygen you need?
- I need a backend to Club Kaboom...
...with bottle service.
Tell me, Roddy, you out of your mind?
Club Kaboom is the most heavily-guarded club on the Internet.
They've got firewalls on top of firewalls.
No way you're getting in there without an invite.
- I found a ruptured open-source lockbox. - That's impossible
with the security protocols in that place,
probably get your ass kicked sneaking into a place like that.
That's a risk I'm willing to take. Look...
The girl I love is going into that club tonight.
If I don't get in there, I could lose her forever.
Kalvin Kluck Klan. Kalvin Kluck Klan. Gut Shabbos.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I need your help and I need that keygen.
Okay. Listen, stop talking for a second and listen to me.
I... I have a guy who has access to a skeleton keygen,
but it's not gonna be cheap and this didn't come from me, okay?
- So, are you coming? - I haven't made up my mind.
Ugh! Just come. You're being so annoying.
By the way, do you know who Kalvin Kluck is?
Yeah! Kalvin Kluck Klan!
He messaged me, like, the second I changed my relationship status.
Oh, my God. He's actually kinda hot.
He's like Roddy's arch. That doesn't feel... fair.
Oh, my God. Screw Roddy.
I'm going to Club Kaboom tonight.
You should come. Subscribe.
- Who was that? - You're never gonna believe
who's coming to the party tonight.
Oh, my God. Tobey Maguire?
No. Kalvin.
Get it, girl! Come on. Get dressed. We're going out.
Danny, are you coming down for dinner?
I'm not hungry.
What the hell is he even doing up there?
You know I can't talk about it. Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- I don't know. - He's not a patient, Devine. He's our son.
Only biologically.
You should see me right now.
I'm sprawled out on my futon, in just a bathrobe and jean shorts.
You could fry an egg on my pectoral muscles.
- What were you saying? - Um...
Why don't you come join me in the tub?
The water is so warm.
Perfect for denim.
I think, uh...
Danny is on the dark web.
Oh, that's great!
Uh, what is that? A Black Lives Matter thing?
My jean shorts are busting at the seams.
I'll meet you at the night club.
Black Lives Matter? No.
I think he's selling weapons to Iran or something.
Uh, he's a hard worker, just like his old man, huh?
I'm so sick of this.
You don't listen and you don't care.
I heard everything you said.
Our son is selling arms to Black Lives Matter.
- Where are you going now? - I'm going to do some laundry.
More laundry?
Who's wearing all these damn clothes?
Hello, this is Roddy, Mr. Megladon, sir.
I'm a gamer. I go by "Roddy Danger."
But you have seen my streams, sir?
I need a open source skeleton keygen to get into a cyber club.
Okay, I don't know who or what that is.
Jesus! What the hell? I have to call the police now.
So, what are you, like, 12?
Okay, kid, listen to me.
The girl I love is going into that club tonight,
if I don't get in there, I could lose her forever.
I don't understand. Why would you lose her forever?
It's...
It's just like there's gonna be a bunch of guys in there,
you know, and I'm just afraid she's gonna meet some gamer who has his shit together
and fall in love with him, you know, like, someone who's ranked.
Yeah, because you're kind of a little bitch.
Okay, don't say mean things to people. Where are your parents?
I can talk to you however I want. I have something you need.
Okay. Well, I have money. I have grown-up money.
- Yeah? How much? - I have, uh, $1,700 in traveler's checks.
Are you high? I mean, we're not even in the same conversation right now.
Besides, I only take Bitcoin or Ether.
Okay, what if I get you the, uh, French tugboat from Alexandra Ocasia Cor...
- whatever her name is? - Natalia Dominguez Martinez.
Okay, yeah, her. Okay, so, I get the tugboat from her,
- and then you give me the key? - Sure, but I mean, good luck getting her to give it up.
Sure, I can do that. Just tell me where to find her.
- What's the hold up, Barry? - He said he was gonna be here,
I'm sure he's just planning on coming in at the second quarter.
You're embarrassing me. Go get him.
- Yo. - Where are you, man?
You were supposed to be in this meeting 30 minutes ago.
Yeah, this girl never got back to me
and I really thought we hit if off, so I decided not to come.
- Gotta brush up on the V-Ball. - Here's what I don't understand, man.
You begged me. You begged me to find you a place to play ball.
I do that. And all you have to do is show up to this meeting and you can't do that?
I told you, I'm not going alone.
You don't have to bring a date to a business meeting!
Also, why would this girl flake on you?
I don't know, maybe she was intimidated.
- Monte... - I sandbagged, all right?
Dear God, did you at least tell me you got tested afterwards?
What? No, man. That's not what sandbagging is.
You said that I shouldn't date girls who just want me for my status or whatever,
so I told Chatbot I was a high school coach.
That is not at all what I meant! No!
You went way too far with that.
Dude, just please don't change into something
that makes you look little bit less like a giant speed skater
- and get into this meeting, please! - Not without a date.
Okay.
Here goes nothing.
No, no. Whoa!
Why are you here? You're a grown-up.
Oh, no, no. I'm not a creep or anything.
I just need a French tugboat from a pre-teen.
- I see. You seek Natalia. Take you to her, I will. - Thank you.
- Natalia? - I know you, you're Roddy Danger.
- I saw your stream last night. You've really lost it. - Yeah, I know.
- What are you doing here? - I need a favor.
- A favor? - Legally, I can't really ask you to do anything.
Just, uh, think of this more as a suggestion.
And I just wanna let you know I did see the Epstein documentary.
- Horrifying. - Who's Epstein?
Not important. So, there's this guy
and, uh...
- Well, he... He seems to really like you a lot. - Okay? I'm listening.
And, uh, he wants you to give him something.
I'm not sure I like where this is going. What does he want?
- He wants a, uh... - Spit it out. What does he want?
French tugboat.
It's that nerdy sixth grader, isn't it?
What does he call himself, Megatron?
Megladon. He's a great guy.
Really likes you a lot. And, um, he's gotta have that tugboat.
Really? Conventional or a tractor?
Uh, conventional, I think.
- How many thrusters? - I don't know. And I don't wanna know.
I just know he wants one.
Every teenage boy wants one. What's in it for me?
- I've got some traveler's checks. - Ew, gross! I'm a child!
That's not what I meant. I'll tell you what I want.
- Get me into the Kalvin Kluck Klan. - Oh, come on. Really?
Get me into the Klan and I'll give Megladon his French tugboat.
Okay.
Nah, this ain't gonna work.
Okey-dokey.
ID? Oh, shit!
La Monte Mar Jones!
I had you on my daily fantasy before you got canceled.
Bro, I don't care who you senselessly murdered with your negligence.
Be cool, playa. Don't make a scene.
Fo sho, fo sho, fo sho. I just gotta check you real quick.
All right, you good.
Oh, shit, don't cough on me!
Sorry, I'm just kidding.
That's it. We're doing this.
You can't cut! I've been here for two hours!
I'm sorry! It's just the girl I love is going into the club
and if I don't get in there... Uh, never mind!
Roddy Danger? What are you doing here? You're not ranked.
- Hey, Kalvin. - Hey, man.
I would love to stick around and give you an autograph or something,
but I gotta get inside. Subscribe.
Actually, Kalvin, I need a favor.
Oh, okay. I'm gonna try to put this delicately.
I think you're a wannabe, talentless piece of shit,
and I am really not interested in doing any charity work right now. Subscribe.
You know what? I'm sorry I asked.
I hope you have a great night in there.
Oh, thanks, man. I'll say hi to Kimberly for you.
You'll do what now?
Barry, I'm here. Just waiting on my date.
She's in the meeting already. What the hell did you do to yourself?
You look like Urkel! Could you put on a normal avatar and get in here?
- I don't know why you teabagged in the first place. - Sandbagged.
Whatever. When she sees how much money you're about to make,
none of that's gonna matter.
Where's Sally? You... You texted me that she was here already.
Yeah. She... She just stepped out. Here, have a seat.
Hey, I got the Kalvin Kluck Coin.
- That's what you need, right? - Yeah. How did you get it?
- Oh, my God. Oh, no! - What?
- Oh, that wasn't supposed to happen. - Tell me.
I used Crypto Klepto to get a Kalvin Kluck Coin,
so I could get you into the Kalvin Kluck Klan.
- Candidly, Crypto Klepto caught his whole crypto clutch. - So what?
So, I guess I mistakenly kleptoed all his crypto cash.
If that ends up on the blockchain, you're finished!
- You got to dekleptonate. - Dekleptonate?
Yeah. You have to reverse the algorithm, and fast,
before the next hashing cycle completes.
We're talking less than 15 minutes here.
Okay. What happens if I don't reverse it?
That's like, Grand Theft Auto, except with money.
You'll probably go to prison, idiot.
- It was an accident. - Not really.
Look, Kalvin is in that club. I need the keygen to get in there
and I still need you to give Megladon the thing I need you to give him.
All right. I'm taking care of that now.
- Done.
You just did it now?
I guess I thought it would, uh, take a little bit longer.
Okay, one second.
Roddy, I got the tugboat from Natalia. She's incredible.
No, don't tell me anything. Just, uh, wash your hands.
And, uh, please don't tell anyone I'm involved.
- Here, lemme send you a picture. - Definitely do not.
Do... I repeat do not send a picture.
Just please send the keygen.
Yeah, uh, I got your keygen. Sending now.
Oh, yeah.
- Right, okay.
That's... That's... That French tugboat.
What did you think a French tugboat was?
You some kind of pervert? This isn't Palm Beach island.
I know. And, uh, I was horrified by that documentary, just so you know.
- How did you even get this thing? - We don't need to talk about it.
Well, thank you. And if you have a chance to speak to Natalia,
can you please tell her to stop sexting me?
Can you all just figure your shit out and stop middlemanning me?
Y'all need Jesus and cold showers.
Chatty, I need to check in with Barry.
Why don't I meet you on the dance floor in, like, 10 minutes?
Oh, I'll be there.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
No, I'm glad you made it. You're just in time.
- I want you to meet Vlad, Sergey, Stav, and Bones. - A pleasure.
The pleasure is all mine.
Now you two kiss hands.
- Dad, you were saying... the league? - Oh, yes, yes.
When I say "Antarctica,"
what's the first thing that comes to mind?
Cold. Eskimos. The South Pole.
Well, not anymore.
We're turning Antarctica into a hotbed for hoops.
We're turning this... into this.
Don't Eskimos live in the North?
Wait, wait. There's nothing down there. Where we gonna play?
Thats where my new friends, Vlad, Sergey, Stav, and Bones come in.
They have financed arenas and sporting franchises all over the world.
They've secured a piece of land right across
from Druzhnaya Airport in Princess Elizabeth Land
and we're planning to break ground next week.
Well, do we have any other players signed on?
Of course. We're talking to Rudy Gobert, Furkan Korkmaz,
- DJ Hightower, Nerlens Noel... - We need to talk.
Not now. This is important.
...Chad Michael Murray, the kid from Like Mike.
- We're even working on a deal with Teen Wolf. - Yes, now.
We're closing here. It can wait.
No, it can't.
Ugh! What are you... Are you crazy? What are you doing?
You need to get La Monte out of there.
No, we're about to sign the deal.
I overheard the Russians. They're planning on drugging his avatar
with a virus that could take out all of V-Sports.
That's ridiculous. Why would they do that?
So they could corner the market with their Antarctica League.
- Why La Monte? - Because he is like Scotty Bippin.
If Scotty Bippin was the most contagious man in the world!
You just wanna ruin everything, don't you?
You just wanna see me fail, so you can sit back
and laugh at me, you and that digital dildo of yours.
- Leave Chatty out of it. - Chatty. Is it?
You think I'm the one ruining your life?
You're trying so hard to impress your macho father and he doesn't care about you.
That's not true! He loves me!
- I'm his bear. - Barry. you have to believe me,
I say this because I care.
Damn it, Angela.
You need to be very, very careful.
If they know you know, we're all dead.
- You gotta get La Monte out. - Okay.
Okay. I have an idea.
I don't understand why you're...
What do you call it, "sandbagging" yourself?
Because I've finally met someone who likes me for me,
not because of my fame or my looks.
Ugh. Should we be doing this?
Yes. Yes, we should.
- What's goin' on, ladies? You have tickets? - Duh.
- Well, can I see them? - Yeah, here you go.
Have a great night. Hey, just so you know, there's no smoking inside.
Vapes, real cigs, or candy cigs, to look cool in front of kids.
Ah, cool, thanks. Clarissa, are you coming?
I can't find my ticket. I'm on Coach Swish's list though.
OMG, that's so epic. Oh, my gosh.
He put you on his list? That's big-time.
That means he really must like you.
Psych. That's a fake name, sweetheart.
- There's no Coach Swish on here. - No, he said he would put me on the list.
Is everything okay? Do you want me to wait for you?
No, no. Go ahead, I'll be in in a minute.
I am so sorry about that. Angela, can you excuse us
for a few minutes to wrap this one up?
Just grab a drink or something. I'll meet you on the dance floor.
- So, where were we? Let's cut to chase.
We want Monte Mar to be the face of the new league.
- Well, I like the sound of that. - You know, I just remembered
La Monte has a really severe case of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I told you that in confidence, Barry!
Ah, this is not a problem.
Only one season in Antarctica: cold and colder.
- That's two seasons. - We're willing to make a very generous offer.
What kind of offer are we talking?
- That's what's up. - Just give me one moment to discuss with my client.
What the hell? Barry!
Okay, here's the deal. There is no deal.
La Monte is never going to survive two weeks in Antarctica,
much less six months of darkness.
You'd be making a horrible mistake.
Perhaps I am not the one making the horrible mistake.
You're treading into very dangerous territory, boy.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Listen, to your papa. He's smart man.
You sign deal, you leave here alive.
- And if I don't? - Then you leave here how you say "not alive."
I just got in line. Are you here?
I'm about 20 feet from the front.
Oh, my God! My husband is here.
That lying son of a bitch.
What an asshole! I'll kick his ass!
We need to find a disguise now.
Yeah, yeah. Good idea. Where?
Raise your hand so I can see you. - I'm right here.
I see you. It looks like my husband's gone, too.
Or that bastard must be inside.
Guess who?
It's me, Kalvin Kluck. Subscribe.
Oh. Hey, Kalvin.
- What's up, mamacita? - Thanks for inviting me.
- Yeah, no doubt. You want a drink? - Uh, sure.
Amigo! Dos Dos Equis. Comprende? That's quattro Equis.
Actually, I only drink Odyssey.
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Um, what?
Ah, that's weird.
Oh, I... I got it. It's the least I can do.
Ah, subscribe. I guess chivalry isn't dead.
Uh, what... Right.
Hey. So, like, no offense, but do you want to go somewhere a little more quiet?
Sure.
- This some bullshit right here.
This is Swish.
Hey, I'm outside the club, but they're not letting me in.
- I thought you were in already. - Nope, just got here.
- Barry! - Can you come get me?
Okey-dokey. Be right out.
Whoa, slow your role, plain Jane.
It's all good, big guy. She's with me.
Oh, that's what up. Why didn't you tell me you were here with La Monte Mar Jones?
- Because I'm not here with him? - Seriously?
- Wait, isn't that the guy who infected the entire NBA? - Allegedly.
Wait a second. Take off your Avatar.
- I really shouldn't. - Take it off. Do it.
- I'm not really comfortable with the whole idea. - Show me some skin!
Fine!
You lied to me!
You're that basketball player who killed Viviane Donner's gam-gam!
It wasn't even like that.
You don't know what it's like to get canceled for an innocent mistake!
You know what? Just leave me alone, okay?
I'm gonna go find my friend and we're getting out of here.
- What? - Oh. Uh, hey.
Couldn't help but overhear. Are you La Monte Mar Jones?
Why don't you take a screenshot? It'll last longer.
No, no. I'm not a fan or anything. I mean, I'm not not a fan.
I'm just hoping you might be willing to use your celebrity to help me get in there.
I accidentally stole like a hundred grand
and also the love of my life is in there.
Love is a lie.
Now leave me the hell alone before I shove
- my size-17 sneaker up your narrow...
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- We're old friends.
I've got tons of nerdy-looking white friends.
- He's also with me. - You know I would, Monte,
but we at capacity with dudes right now.
You know this isn't coming from me.
I'm just not trying to get shut down by the fire department.
- I tried, dawg. - Sir?
- Not happening. - You don't get it. I need to get into that club.
Yeah, and I need a French tugboat...
What the hell is it with you people and tugboats?
Oh, you people is it?
- No, don't do that.
You tell him why you're really going in there.
- And I want you to speak from the heart. - Speak from your heart.
- I just said that, baby. - Right. Sorry, go ahead.
I accidentally stole a very large sum of crypto from someone
and I need to return it before the next hashing cycle.
No. I want you to tell him why you're really here, Roddy.
Really, really here, Roddy.
- Oh, baby, again. - Yeah, okay. Shh. You do it.
The truth is,
I messed things up big-time with the girl of my dreams.
And I know she's in there right now and if I don't get to her,
I could lose her forever.
Wow. You really mean that? You're doing this for true love?
Yes, this is all for true love.
You know, I told myself this morning when I woke up
do not let any more dudes in,
but you have tugged at the heartstrings, bro.
Rules are made to be broken, huh?
Especially, in the name of love.
I love a good love story.
- I've seen Bridget Jones's Diary twice. - Uh-huh.
Cool. So, I'm just gonna head in there real quick.
- Are you two also in love? - No, we're having an affair.
- Yeah. Just started. - Close enough. Get in there!
Kimberly! Kimberly!
I'm running out of time here, man. I need you to activate that keygen.
Yeah, I'm on it. - Okay, great. Now what?
- Um, you know how to use it right? - Of course I know how to use it.
Just give me a quick refresher.
So, uh, where did you grow up?
Let's not, Kimberly.
You and I both know why we're here
and getting our emotions involved would just complicate things.
Uh, Kalvin, I don't wanna give you the wrong idea.
So, don't.
Subscribe.
Uh, I really should go make sure my friend is okay.
I really don't think that's such a good idea in your state.
What's happening?
Did you put something in my drink?
Don't worry. I'm gonna take really good care of you.
And that should only be used in a worst-case scenario.
All I'm saying is you need to be really careful.
Okay, yeah, I get it. If I die in VR, I die in real life.
What? No, that's not at all how it works.
You need to be careful because you committed a felony.
There's a million private rooms here. How am I supposed to find them?
Well, if it's Kalvin Kluck, he's probably in the most heavily secured room.
Um, sort by encryption.
Final chance. You bring golden boy back,
- we forget this ever happen. - Not happening.
Are you absolutely sure?
- Who the hell are you? - I'm so sorry. I'm in the wrong room.
Hey, kid. Grab that vial!
- Why? - Just trust me!
- Stop shooting! Barry! - Dad, no!
What have you done?
Jesus, Roddy, that's a Winners virus!
You need to get that thing out of here now!
If that activates in the wild, it could take out the entire internet.
- Millions could die. - Shit! Okay, I need you to activate my keygen arsenal.
Yeah.
I'm gonna smash that like button.
- No! - Sweetheart, you've got to stop struggling so much.
It's making it really hard for daddy.
No, please get off me!
- Help! - What the hell was that?
Moment of truth, man. The reverse-algo is hot,
but if that clutch doesn't touch his avatar in seven seconds,
your Crypto Klepto will be encoded into the blockchain forever.
- I'm not gonna make it. - What's it gonna be? Time to decide.
Help!
Consider yourself... unsubscribed.
Wait, my crypto!
Well, well, well, if it isn't Roddy Danger here
to rescue his little pet girlfriend.
Nobody crypto kleptos Kalvin Kluck's clutch and gets away with it.
Game over, Danger. I'll see you in prison.
Roddy, you need to get out of there.
Just one minute. I gotta take care of something.
What are you talking about, freak?
Rematch. You and me. Right now.
Oh, you want a rematch? Like, you've got a chance.
If I win, we wipe the clutch and you never speak to Kimberly again.
And if I win?
- Then you can turn me in. - Roddy, no! It's not worth it!
- Kimberly, I got this. - You got yourself a deal.
Yo, Megs, you got access to the club's screens, right?
Sweet Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Do you know what you're asking me to do?
That's VR inside VR. It's like a dream within a dream, man!
The club wasn't designed with that kind of processing power.
Can you do it or not?
I can do it. I'm just... I'm not sure if I should.
Come on, man. We've come this far. Are you with me or not?
- I got you, brother. - All right, let's do this!
- Stay with me, Dad. - There's a light up ahead.
It's flickering.
Yeah, that's probably just the halogen light on the patio. I'm sorry.
I should've just taken the deal.
I never meant for this to happen.
I just wanted you to be proud of me.
I am proud of you, son.
You did the right thing. You stood up for what you believed in.
You were always Chalamet... in Call Me by Your Name.
His breakout roll.
Papa, don't go!
I'll always be watching your feed.
See you tomorrow for dinner.
No!
The Roddy Danger and Kalvin Kluck rematch
is brought to you in part by People for the Ethical Treatment of Avatars.
PETA would like to remind you that everything that happens
in the metaverse has the same emotional and physical consequences
as the real world.
Three, two, one. Fight!
I'm gonna enjoy this a lot more than I should.
Chatbot, you're such a great dancer.
Even better than my husband.
Thank you for your feedback.
Please rate my service in the online survey below.
Get your damn hands off my wife!
Ow! I've been hit!
Stop! You'll hurt him.
He can't feel anything. He's not real. You can't love him.
Tell him, Chat. Tell him you love me.
I'm just here to help.
- Stay down, Danger.
I can make you feel loved, cherished, adored.
I can make you feel seen and understood.
But sadly, I myself do not have a sense of honor.
Nor do I feel love or jealousy.
- I can't feel a cool New England
autumn breeze on the back of my neck...
nor taste the subtleties of a perfectly aged Chianti...
...or feel the hot shame of a premature ejaculation.
It's gonna take a lot more than that to kill me, Roddy Danger.
Okay, enough. This ends right now. You and me, buddy.
Taste his blood.
You can hit me if it will make you feel better,
but I'm not really the problem, am I, Barry?
Look at your wife, Barry. Do you really see her?
Yes, I see her.
- Then, tell her... - Tell her what?
Tell her how you feel.
Angela, I know the bases were loaded
and I wasn't in the dugout when you needed...
- In English? - Okay. Angela...
I know I don't always communicate it well,
but I love you,
and I don't wanna lose you.
You had my back all along, but I... I was the one that shut you out.
I never bothered to... I never learned to listen.
But I wanna give this a real shot. I do.
I... I don't know if we're gonna make it,
but I want to try.
Barry, there's no crying in baseball.
- Do you really mean it? - Yeah, I really do.
Well, then let's give it a three-point slam dunk shot.
Yeah, that's not a thing. You know what, we'll work on it.
What do we have here?
- Wait, Kalvin, no. Don't drink that. - Why not?
You plan doing a little juicing, Danger?
I never took you for a cheater. Lemme help you out with that.
Roddy, you need to stop him.
That's a Winners virus. If he wins, the virus spreads to everyone watching.
With that ruptured lockbox, it could fry the whole damn
global transport control protocol.
Subscribe, big guy!
I can't let you win. It'll kill us all.
Barry, what the hell happened in there?
You beg me to come and then you torpedo my deal?
Listen to me, those guys were using you to spread a V-Virus.
I don't believe you, man! First you lied about my date being here and now this.
I finally have a chance to play ball again and you ruined it!
You don't get it, it's over. There was a fight.
They pulled out guns, they shot my dad. He's gone.
- Is he okay? - Is he... No, he's not okay.
Right. If you die in VR, you die in the real world.
What? No. It just he has to restart his whole computer, it's a pain.
I almost made the biggest mistake of my life,
but you saved me, Barry.
Yes, that's what agents do.
We're the good guys, everybody knows that.
I'm gonna get you the best deal out there.
I'm with you, man. You looked out for me.
I'm with you to the end.
Now kiss him, you idiot.
Hey, I'm really sorry.
Can we talk about this?
Sure, what lies are you gonna feed me now?
I wasn't trying to lie to you.
I just... I just wanted to be seen for me.
You don't know how difficult it is not knowing who to trust.
Thinking everyone wants to be with you just because you're famous.
You're just ordinary.
Must be nice.
Maybe we're not so different after all.
Come on, this place is coming down!
What in the hell?
Are you Clarissa Daniels? And you sandbagged me?
Oh, Lord! Somebody please come get this
gorgeous, white supremacist bitch out of my face.
- It was a mud mask! - Oh, Clarissa explains it all!
Hypocrite.
- I am...
End of the line, Danger.
Any last words?
Yep.
Megladon, activate tugboat mode!
No! Tugboats... My only weakness!
Come on... Not now.
Oh, my God! No!
Please. La Monte!
Somebody help!
Help. Oh.
Oh, you're alive!
I saw the other side.
This was all my fault.
I was the one that got the NBA sick.
I was the one that killed Viv's grandmother.
I was the one that ate the bat soup on my trip to China.
Hey, everybody, Clarissa Daniels
just saved La Monte Mar Jones' life!
Maybe she's not a racist after all.
You saved my life? Why?
What do you mean why did I save your life?
All lives matter.
- Nevermind!
What? Are you kidding me right now?
I just can't win.
Kimberly, I wish I can get this thing to work
so you could hear me right now.
But if you're out there somewhere...
I want you to know that after tonight,
I'm willing to sacrifice anything to be with you.
I just want one chance to tell you I'm sorry.
I've screwed it up so much, I'm so stupid.
You needed a man and I was not a man.
But I swear to God if you give me one more chance,
I will spend the rest of my life
proving you that I can be the person you want me to be.
'Cause you're the only person I wanna be with.
Oh, shit, was that...
Sorry.
- I heard what you said. - Wait, how? I couldn't get
- the volume to turn on. - Roddy, I live here.
So, yeah, I... Yeah, I heard everything.
Wait, everything? Like, you heard the part about...
Uh, yeah.
- Uh, by the way, who is Megatron? - Megladon.
- It doesn't matter. All that matters... - Huh?
...is that I love you and I can't lose you.
Roddy, how am I supposed to trust you?
You left me when I needed you the most.
Wait, what are you doing?
Something that I should've done a long time ago.
Kimberly Annabelle Martin,
will you marry me?
If you wanted me to marry you so badly, why didn't you just come in the other room?
Uh, no. I'm, like, a weird, coward and I just, like,
hide behind my screen all the time.
And I'm afraid of confrontation. Honestly, I don't even think
I know how to deal with life in the real world.
But I finally realized that life doesn't happen
at a Zoom comic book convention,
or even in a virtual reality first-player shooter game.
Life happens right here right now, right?
And what is the real world? I don't know.
I just know that this is the moment
that life happens and I want my life to happen with you.
You had me at "activate tugboat mode."
Wait, so does that mean... Does that mean...
Yeah. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
- I'll put it on now? - Yes.
- Oh, my God. - It looks so good on you.
- You look so beautiful.
Now kiss her, you idiot. Kiss her already.
Wait. Holy... I just realized I didn't actually beat Kalvin.
The game just started blowing up and I think the virus is spreading.
- What? Oh, my God! - We should probably...
Yeah, holy shit!
Oh, this is bad. This is very bad.
- What?
What? I... I can't believe it.
It's gone. It's... It's all gone.
It turns out that true love was the cure all along.
- Aw. - Really?
No, idiot.
But frying the entire host system apparently also kills it.
Okay.
Hey, kid, put on your headset.
Hey, I saw what you did back there and I never do this,
but how would you feel about representation?
Represent... Yeah. Yeah, I'm all for representation.
It's a new world out here.
You know I didn't actually win though, right?
Like, the game blew up before I could...
You've got heart, kid, and that beats winning any day.
- Really? - No, not really.
- But I'm offering you a deal, so just take it. - You know, what? Uh...
I appreciate the offer, but I think I need to spend some time
in the real world, with the people that matter most.
He'll take the deal.
Get your hands off me! Get... Get... Argh!
- What happened to him? I caught what Kluck tried to do
with your girl on the security footage
and routed it to the central security algorithm.
He's goin' on a little vacation.
Three to five, for aggravated virtual sexual assault.
This isn't over, Danger.
I'm coming for you!
Ah, shut the Kluck up!
I don't know how to repay you, Megladon.
Wait, what about the Kitcoin and the blockchain?
- Don't worry about it. - What do you mean?
Kalvin got his clutch back, but it was after the hashing cycle.
All he has to do is report it and they can contact trace it back to me.
I'm telling you, all right? Just... Just trust me.
Don't worry about the money. It will never get back to you.
Megladon, what did you do?
The less you know the better.
My club. Look at it.
I'm never gonna financially recover from this.
Do you have any idea how much business this place does?
I'm gonna have to do a hard reboot.
I could be offline for two and a half hours on a Friday night no less.
This is gonna cost me millions.
Who's gonna pay for this?
I think you might have one last spin on that keygen.
You know what to do.
Oh, I think there's only one thing left to do.
Let's dance!
And so, peace was restored to the metaverse.
I won back the girl of my dreams
and broke my losing streak, kind of.
I think things happened to the other characters, too. It was great.
Yeah, life moves pretty fast.
If you don't take your headset off and look around once in a while...
you'd miss it.
♪ 'Cause you're gonna be Runnin' away
♪ Inside the space
♪ I'm on right away
♪ Hey, I love you virtually
♪ Night and day And I was here to play
♪ I don't care what it takes
♪ Love, I love you virtually ♪
Breaking news. In a stunning reversal of fortune,
recently disgraced gamer, Roddy Danger,
has apparently saved the world.
And won back the heart of his non-gamer girlfriend, Kimberly Martin.
Meanwhile, cyber cult leader, Kalvin Kluck,
has been arrested for operating a pyramid scheme.
And is being investigated for cyber terrorism,
for his attempted release of the Winners virus.
I'll get you, Roddy. I'll get you!
And on a personal note, I never fucking liked that guy.
Uh, I need five minutes. I'm just wasting everyone's time now.
Good show, everybody.
I honestly just don't know how I'm ever gonna trust him again.
And I feel the same way.
After the trust his gone, what are we supposed to do next?
That being said...
I have to admit the whole thing was kind of exciting.
All the sneaking around...
kind of reminded me of back when you were my professor.
- She was my student. - That's implied, Devine.
Uh, she was a very bad student.
Uh, she had a safe word "chicken in the pot."
It was "jerk chicken," honey. We've moved on from that.
Oh. We've moved on from that. We've changed that now.
Hmm.
Well, you know, the secret to a good relationship is communication
and the ability to fully express yourself with integrity.
I'm glad you are finding new ways to connect.
Speaking of which, have you ever heard of a French tugboat?
Uh, isn't that the ultimate gaming weapon?
- That... I think it was the ultimate gaming weapon. - I just said that.
What? No. It's a threesome... with an AI.