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♪ He wakes up in the morning
♪ Does his teeth, bite to eat and he's rolling
♪ Never changes a thing
♪ The week ends The week begins
♪ She thinks we look at each other ♪
Hi!
Uh, you guys must be new to town, right?
New to town, but not new to the country.
We just moved from California. We speak English.
Oh, that's wonderful! So do we!
- Um... Um...
We're just curious.
Um... are you Chinese?
- Yes. - Oh, great.
Uh, we just wondered if you would mind
if your daughter played with our daughter?
Why our daughter?
Oh! Oh, no, we just thought Audrey might like to meet her.
Yeah. - Audrey, say hi.
You wanna play slide?
Mmm-hmm.
Slide's off limits to Ching-Chongs.
Fuck you.
You wanna be best friends?
My grandpa's name is Joe, just like my dad's.
He loves model trains, and he has a gout.
Why don't you look like your family?
'Cause I'm adopted from China.
That's why I have a birth mom.
I'd be so mad if my parents gave me up.
Did you do something?
Her mom didn't want her, obviously.
Are you okay?
You know what? Fuck everyone else.
You don't have to prove anything to these losers.
♪ We can take turns
♪ Taking the reins
♪ Lean on each other
♪ When we need some extra strength
♪ And we'll never cave or we'll never waver
♪ We'll dance like nobody's there
♪ We'll dance without any cares
♪ We'll talk 'bout problems we share
♪ We'll talk 'bout things that ain't fair
♪ We'll sing 'bout things we don't know
♪ We'll sing to people and show
♪ What it means to be young and growing up ♪
Ten, four, let's go, boss.
You sure you're ready for China?
I got this, Frank.
They do things differently there.
I'll close the deal. Don't worry about that.
- You worried about that?
Oh, fuck!
Ah! Fuck!
Oh, Jesus Christ! Cover that!
- Hey.
God, this game fuckin' sucks.
- Good game. - Good game, boss.
- Thanks, Kevin.
Mike C. Mike D. Mike J. Michael.
Josh. James. Dave. Other Dave.
Michael again. Good seein' ya.
Uh, eleven to four.
Kicked my ass again, Sullivan.
- That's pretty good for a...
- Woman. - Asian.
No, I was gonna say "associate."
Wait, can we say "Asian" anymore or is that offensive?
We can't say anything anymore.
You're goddamn right, Kevin! So shut the fuck up!
I'm an ally. I shop at 99 Ranch Market.
Some of us are doin' the work.
Yes. I really appreciated
- that Mulan-themed office birthday party. - You're welcome.
So, uh, you excited for Beijing?
I didn't know you speak Chinese.
Well, I'm not fluent
but I have an excellent grasp of conversational Mandarin.
Yeah? How do you say,
"I have an excellent grasp of conversational Mandarin" in Mandarin?
NYou close ChinaWave this week, I'm puttin' you up for partner.
Took you long enough, ally.
Well, come on,
Ms. 3,000-Billable-Hours, you knew this was coming.
You know, if this works out, you're gonna have to move out to L.A.,
work out of headquarters.
That'd be amazing, actually.
You know, I've been thinking
it'd be nice to have a change.
- Oh, you're gonna love LA. - Yeah.
I mean, there's a Chinatown, a Thai Town, a Koreatown.
- I mean, it's basically Asia. - Sure.
That's me off of the dick.
Your dick is dust, you pussy motherfucker!
- Fuckin' dust! - Anyway,
close ChinaWave, make partner.
- Don't worry. I will. - You better.
It's a big account. Good thing you're fluent in Chinese.
- Yep.
You know, and I actually have a friend coming with me.
She offered to be my translator in Beijing.
Oh, you have a friend who's a professional translator?
Total professional.
Oh, what's up, landlord?
- Sorry for the mess. - Who are you talking to?
I'm sending an Animoji to Baron Davis
with this cute bear.
Look. Check it out.
Oh.
You have no idea what I'm saying.
No, I have an idea. Who is Baron Davis?
Basketball player. Two-time NBA All-Star.
Anyway, he's playin' in China now.
Since we're goin' to Beijing, I slid in his DMs.
He's learning the language, so I'm teaching him.
If you need help translating,
I talked to Kat, and she lives there now.
- Ah, yes. - So like if...
Katherine Huang. Your famous college roommate.
- Yeah. - Actress.
- Okay. - Spokesmodel.
Lolo two-point-worse.
- Don't...
You do understand it's really important
for me to be professional
- the entire time... - Of course.
Audrey, I got you. Look at me.
- You're thinking about a dick. - Damn it. You're right.
- But I'm a fellow profesh. - Yeah. I know.
Trust me. Oh, let me show you my latest work.
- Come on. It's at the restaurant. - Uh, it's... Okay.
Licky cat. Ooh.
See? It's like a lucky cat except...
- Yeah, no, I get it. - The tongue?
- I get it. - Ready for this?
The Look-Closer Lotus.
- Look-Closer at wha... Oh, wow. - Mmm-hmm.
- Vaginas. - Mmm-hmm. Pussy petals.
- There's a lot of 'em. - And this,
my piece de resistance...
"Adult Playground."
- Oh. Whoa! - Mmm-hmm.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Is this the playground we went to as kids?
Fuck yeah. Look, titty sandbox.
This is chaotic.
That's what my art is all about. Inspiring chaos.
Challenging fetishes that Asian people have to deal with
around sexuality.
I mean, it's just a lot.
I hope someone likes it.
I could really use a commission right now.
If you really need money, you could pick up some shifts here.
Your parents need the help.
I'm not tryin' to be a sell-out.
- I'm a starving artist. - Mmm.
I could bring one of my pieces to Beijing.
Lolo, this is such an important work...
- Work trip. Work trip. - Right.
- Or... And just hear me out. - No. No. No "or."
What if it's our first annual best friends trip? You and me.
Romy and Michele. Bert and Elmo.
- Ernie. - Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I love the idea of an annual trip
but you're gonna have to save some money.
- Yeah. - You're saving money by living with me.
And I'm so grateful.
And it's been really fun but I don't know,
like, maybe I don't wanna live in White Hills my whole life.
Why not? This is home.
Right, but...
Lolo... we told you to stop bringing your art in here.
I ran out of space at Audrey's.
Put it away. We have to go get ready.
- Okay, I'm coming. - We're coming.
- Do you wanna just...
- Are we gonna leave it here? Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm not a radiologist like Arthur.
- Okay.
To Audrey!
- To Audrey. Yes. - Thanks for coming over.
Oh. So proud of you.
Guys, you didn't have to throw a whole party.
We're gonna be back in, like, four days.
We wanted to give you a nice send-off. It's a big deal.
Going to your birth country.
It's a business trip.
And it's so great you're taking Lolo with you.
- Anyway, we brought Hong Dou Bing. - Oh, yes.
- These are red bean buns. Ooh.
Red bean. - Audrey first.
- Thank you so much. They look so good. Yes.
You got the blue one. Those are special.
Will I like these?
No, no. Probably not, to be honest.
- You're basically white. - That's not true.
You have a throw pillow that says, "Wine o'clock."
- Rose all day. - You own a picnic basket.
They're very useful.
Name every character on Succession.
Logan, Kendall, Shiv, Roman... Oh, you got me.
So, I thought it would be fun to look at some photos
of Audrey from the last time she was in China.
Oh, my gosh. No. The Chens don't wanna look at that.
- That's for us. - Yes.
- No, I...
- Oh. - Oh, honey, look, this is the first time
- you held her. Oh, God.
- Oh, my God. I'm gonna cry. - So am I.
- No, I know. It's cute. Who's this?
Look at that head of hair.
Oh. Oh, that's my birth mom.
How have you never shown me this?
I don't know. It's not a big deal.
Who was that actor? Yeah, she...
Your adoption agency's on the back.
Yeah.
Should we call them and maybe get
- information on your mom? - No. I don't wanna do that.
I mean, we used to talk about it all the time
when we were little, remember?
A grand adventure to find your birth mom?
No. No. That was because we were kids.
And we're adults now. We've moved on.
At least I have, okay? So let's not do that.
Anyway, why would I need more parents
when I have the two best parents in the world?
- Aw, honey. - Oh, we love you, sweetie.
- You're the best.
Sandwich!
White people.
You know what? Another toast.
To Audrey. To movin' on and movin' up.
- Moving up. - To the best daughter
and the best lawyer you could ever have.
And Lolo's gonna probably need a lawyer someday.
- Get the bail money ready.
Gonna need a lawyer.
Guess who's goin' back to the motherland?
So, if you're in Beijing and you have a juicy pene
or a vagine hit me up.
Audrey, say hi.
- No, Lolo. - Audrey, say hi.
Hey, so I kinda can't stop thinking
about the picture of your birth mom.
- Oh. - You sure you don't wanna look for her?
- Yep. - It could be something fun we do together.
Lolo, I just... I'm sorry,
but remember this is a work trip.
- Work trip. Work trip. - Thank you.
Deadeye's coming, by the way.
- What? - Deadeye's coming.
- Deadeye, your cousin? - She's visiting friends.
And her parents, you know, just didn't want her to fly alone, so I'm chaperoning.
A chaperone? For a grown woman?
Before you say anything, I know what you're thinking.
- Your hair grew back. - Not really.
This is why my part is this way.
Yeah. That was forever ago. And she's different now.
I promise. Deadeye has changed.
She's into music. K-pop. You know BTS. She's full army.
She's super cool now.
The energy has totally shifted.
Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, Audrey. - Whoa! Hi. Hey.
- Deadeye. - Hi.
- So...
- Oh, good. Hi! - Yeah.
Um, so you're... you're flying with us?
- Just flying? - Yeah, the pleasure's mine.
- Me, too. - Yeah. Um...
so, when we get to Beijing, you're gonna meet up
- with your BTS friends, right? - Yeah.
- Awesome. - Yes.
@Jinderalla88, @JHopesGirl, @SugaIsMyDaddy.
Oh, online people?
Yeah, they're my best friends.
I went to @Jinderalla88's wedding on Zoom.
- Awesome. - He married a pillow.
Okay.
Oh, oh, one second.
Those can't be real people.
She's just coming to hang out with us, obviously.
- Trust me. Right when we land, - Lolo...
Deadeye is gonna peace out and it's gonna be you and me.
Do you think I can bring these lighters onto the plane?
- I really think it's illegal. - Okay. Yeah.
- Oh, no. Oh, yeah.
- Not again. - Okay. I was wrong.
- My hair. My hair. Come on, it'll be fun.
- We should check the other two. Friends trip!
I'm gonna take these.
We're gonna priority board and we'll see you at...
- at the gate, okay? Yeah. Yeah.
You're gonna Venmo me for those or...
Lolo? - I'll sneak you some snacks.
I don't think I've ever been around only Asian people.
I mean, we look like everyone else for once.
I think we blend right in.
Yeah. But people here can tell Chinese-Chinese
from American-Chinese.
- What do you mean? - See?
Hong Kong-Chinese.
Bluetooth.
- Shanghai-Chinese. Bougie.
- Ooh, Taiwanese.
- Weird, but cute. Aw.
- What kinda Chinese are they?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Are you tryin' to get canceled? Those are Koreans.
- Oh. - That's Howdy Fun!
- It's a K-pop group! - Yeah,
they all have the same face. That's how you can tell.
Mmm.
I mean, why are they walking right though security?
- Because it's Howdy Fun! - Okay.
So, where... Where are we goin'?
Um, well,
we are going to visit my friend, Kat,
on her set of The Emperor's Daughter.
Oh, I love that show.
- Cool. Okay, let's go. - Oh.
Hey. I thought you said
it was just for the flight.
She's hanging out with us now?
I didn't even ask Kat if she can come to set with us.
Is Kat gonna make a big deal out of it?
- No. I mean, just no... - Fuck her.
Why do you have such a problem with her?
You know, you both actually have a lot in common.
I mean, you're both very sexually...
- Free? - Yeah.
She blew Nick and Joe Jonas.
Not Kevin? Not impressed.
She has a tattoo on her vagina.
What?
She has... She has a pussy tat?
- I shouldn't have told you.
Um... You know what? Forget I said anything.
Yeah.
Um, never, never gonna talk about it ever again.
What's it of? Like, is it in color?
Is it glow-in-the-dark? Big? Small?
Like, are pussy tats more common than I think?
Does she have one?
Do they?
Do you think she had, like, ideas going in,
or just pointed to the artist and said, "Dealer's choice"?
Horizontal. Vertical. Optical illusion.
It looks like a vase
- but then an old lady. - Stop talking about it.
I decided... Stop!
- You know, I thought about it. - Please.
I thought about it. I thought about it really, really hard.
- Yes. - And I decided I'm not gonna
- stop talking about it.
Let's go see this trash bag kitty cat pussy tat bitch.
Cut. Cut. Cut.
Bravo! Encore!
- Encore! - Audrey?
- Oh, my God! That was so good!
You're such a big shot!
Oh, come on. You are the big shot.
You big shot lawyer.
Best friends reunited.
Oh.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom
- ♪ Bom! - ♪ Bom, bom, ah!
♪ Deep in the night how I wonder
♪ Please make him real, how I'll pray, whoo! ♪
- Whoo!
What? That was so lame. What was that?
You know, Kat and I were part of the same
college a cappella group...
- The Tootles! - Tootles!
- Stop!
Right.
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
I hear that you're living in Audrey's garage
and... And drawing penises now.
Oh, no, I... Uh,
I told you, Lolo's an amazing artist.
- I do body positive art. - Interesting.
And remind me your name again.
My legal name is Vanessa. Call me Deadeye.
Oh, where did that... Come from?
You know, I think I get it.
- Come to my chair. - Are you serious?
Come to my chair.
Wait, wait. Oh, my Gosh, this is so cool!
- Okay.
So, when do we get to meet your fiance?
Oh. You just saw him.
- He's the leading man. - Uh...
- Wait, the human Mushu?
Oh, there he is.
♪ I'm a phreak
♪ I'm a trip
♪ It's the business
♪ That's what it is
♪ Has anybody ever told you got fresh, boss?
♪ I have to ask you, boss
♪ Ask you that question, God
♪ It happens to me daily I'm just so blessed because
♪ I'm the best there was Better than sexy ♪
Mmm.
- Hey. - Hi, honey.
Hey, I'm so sorry. I had to, uh, get outta my costume.
It's just so itchy and tight.
Clarence,
Audrey is my best friend from college.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Oh.
Hi. We're best friends, actually.
Clarence and I met on the set of the show.
He plays the military hero.
Oh, we just saw you. It was so good. You're really great.
And I play the good girl.
Played the good girl in my last two dramas too. It's...
I think it's kinda my brand.
She's an absolute angel, isn't she?
Kat and I thank God every day for bringing us together.
- Are you two Bible-thumpers? - What?
Oh, I... I have always been a woman of God.
I mean, remember that was one of the first things I told you
when we met, right, Audrey? That...
I am a good Christian girl
saving myself for marriage.
- Wait, what? - Wait, wait, wait. You two...
have never had sex.
Our connection is based on spiritual,
not physical intimacy.
Did you have a spiritual connection
when the Jonas Brothers were Eiffel towering you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That's so funny. I love Paris.
Right?
I gotta go. You good? You need anything?
I'm good, my love. Thank you.
- Okay, come here. - Mmm.
- Aw!
Oh. Uh...
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm, oh, oh.
- Ooh. Uh... - Leave some room for Jesus.
Yes!
Yeah.
- Nice to meet you all. So good to meet...
Okay.
Go away!
So, has Clarence ever seen your pussy tat?
I do confess that at one point I did have a tiny sunflower
on my inner thigh.
"Edgy."
But it doesn't even matter because, um, it's gone.
Lasers work miracles.
Okay? Gone.
- Prove it. Lolo.
Mmm. YOLO, Lolo.
You know, I used to be like you in college
but guess I just grew out of it.
Really? Oh, 'cause you seem kinda tense
from all the no-boning.
You sure you're good? You sure you don't miss it?
No tongue until the wedding bell's rung, my friend.
Okay. Um, well, we should get going now, right?
So, um, we have to go to this place called Radiance.
It's crazy that a business meeting is happening at a club.
- But when in Rome, do what the Romans do. - Bathe together.
- Huh. Well, lucky for you,
I wrapped early, so I can come now.
I mean, you still need a translator, right?
- Actually Lolo offered... - Yeah.
What is that?
[IN ENGLISH] Okay.
- I like her. - No, you don't.
Okay, we gotta find the CEO.
Just remember, it's really important for me
to get him to sign tonight.
- Oh, shit.
Hi!
Hi, Mr. Lin. It's so nice to meet you.
I'm so excited to talk about the deal.
Oh. Oh.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Guys, what's he saying?
- Uh, Chunhwa? - Chunhwa. Yes.
Choo-choo!
- Oh.
Yes!
♪ Whoa, I'm a big bag hunter with the bow
♪ She got a big bad dumper Drop it low
Honestly, Chao's way younger
than I thought he was gonna be.
- Right? - And hot.
I'd smash.
Okay, please don't hit on him.
- Are you good? - Mmm.
You don't normally eat real Chinese food.
Yeah, and you don't have to drink everything either.
I heard that if you keep up with Chinese businessmen
they respect you more.
- What are these? Shit. Thousand-year-old egg shots.
So fucking good.
I don't know if you can handle it, though.
They're so black and gooey.
I love goo.
♪ Yeah, feel so hot like I'm chillin' on the beach
♪ Yeah, baby in the sun like the Teletubbies ♪
Audrey, you okay? - Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Swallow it.
Oh.
Let's play!
Oh, is this a drinking game?
What are... What are the rules?
Oh. Ah!
- Oh!
Okay.
You ready to lose to a celebrity?
Oh, I can't wait to slap the shit outta you.
Mmm.
Oh! Ah!
Oh, okay. Mmm.
- Mmm.
Oh.
Oh!
Audrey...
You and me? You and me?
- Yeah. Uh... - Yeah. Let's fucking go!
Yeah, you're evens, okay? Uh, you got this.
Close this fucking deal.
- That's my bitch!
I won? I won! I won, right?
I won!
I won! I won!
Audrey!
Oh, shit.
Audrey! Audrey! Yes!
You just nailed him like Mike fuckin' Tyson!
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, you're good.
Did I hit him? - Yeah, yeah, he's fine.
- Yeah! Yeah!
I'm just gonna... Yeah!
I'm so, so fucked.
No, no, you're good.
Oh, thank God for Kat. Look at her.
Chunhwa just schmoozing with those businessmen,
salvaging our night.
God. I love her.
- God, I'm gonna be sick again. - I'll get you a ginger ale.
Get me a new face or stomach, or something.
Are you feeling better? - I'm so sorry.
I... I usually don't, um, have eggs like that and...
Wait. Uh.
Do you speak English?
Many Chinese people speak English.
But most Americans do not speak Chinese.
It's always fun to pretend.
By the way, I appreciate that you would want to smash this.
Oh. Well, I would. I'd smash it really...
I can see it's your first time in China.
Yeah. You know what? I'm...
I'm usually not like this. I'm... I'm so sorry, I got sick.
But I'm... I'm very ready to go over the terms
of our business proposal.
You know, there's a saying in Chinese.
It means, you can tell a lot about a person
by their family.
Do you have any relatives in China?
Oh, uh, yeah, well, probably.
Uh, sure, yes. Definitely, probably.
Um, I... I was adopted, so...
Oh, well, if you do not know where you come from,
how do you know who you are?
Oh, God. No, no, I know where I'm from.
Actually, you know, I was born here, but I am American.
So, you have no contact with your Chinese family.
That's a shame.
Uh... What? What'd he say?
Well, she's actually really close with her birth mother.
- Yeah. Like that. Oh.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
We're actually meeting up with her this week.
My mother is celebrating
her 70th birthday this Friday.
- Oh, wow. - It's gonna be a big event.
Her favorite performer's gonna be there. DJ Tiesto.
We're gonna have gift bags, oranges, Teslas,
Bitcoin, that kinda thing.
I would love for you to come. Bring your mother.
My mother? Um, no... Oh...
Oh, you know what, uh, we couldn't impose.
- No, no, I insist. - You insist. He insists.
- Oh, yeah. This one. - How are we supposed to do business together
if we do not know each other's families?
We can't do business if we don't...
Come to the event, and we'll close the deal there.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh. Finally.
We'll be there. It's... It's a mom party.
So, it's settled then.
I... Just give me a minute.
Hell yeah, I'm not okay.
I can't feel my face.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck. That went so fucking terribly.
Not to me. Uh, I feel closer to you than ever.
- Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, no, no, no. I'm good. I'm good. Deadeye, I'm so...
I'm so sorry again that I threw up on you. We got...
We better clean you up.
Okay, I... I'll find something.
See, I knew this was gonna happen
if I brought you on this business trip, Lolo.
You're always doing shit like this.
What about a "thank you?"
I mean, you were sinking in there, and I saved your ass.
Well, whatever you were doing, you failed.
This is my job.
Why would you lie and tell Chao that I knew my birth mom?
- That's insane. - That is insane.
Are you her echo? Who the fuck asked for your opinion?
Well, what do you expect her to do now?
She could go find her birth mom.
Just like we always said we would.
That was hypothetical.
We don't even know where she is.
What, you want me to search all of China?
Give it to me!
- Great. - So, the other day,
I may have called the adoption agency
and pretended to be you.
- What are you talking about? Wow!
Apparently, at the time of adoption
she agreed to be contacted.
She's open to meeting you.
Her address is on there. She lives in Haiching,
which is super close to Nai Nai's.
And we'll just stay with them.
Oh, no, no, no. She can't handle it!
Wait, no. Why not? I can handle it.
Nai Nai's like, Chinese-Chinese.
Like, "super long hair coming out of a mole
"and refuses to pluck it 'cause it's bad luck" Chinese.
"Forces you to overeat,
"and then comments on your weight later" Chinese.
Like, literally, "take her bra off, wipe her under-boob sweat
"in the middle of a Buddhist temple
"and make you sniff it" Chinese.
"Has a plastic bag full of other plastic bags" Chinese.
Don't act like you know my family.
You don't know what we've been through. Look at Deadeye!
Look at me! Look at me!
It'll be fine. We'll take the train and...
And go straight to Haiching
and we'll be there tomorrow afternoon.
And I'm gonna close this deal.
And it'd be really nice to meet your birth mother.
Okay.
Okay, will you guys come with me?
Fuck yes, bitch.
- I'm here for you, Audrey. - Oh, my God, thank you.
Really? - I love a grand adventure.
- Thank you. Thank you. Okay.
Okay, so were gonna go to Haiching.
Okay, all right. Yeah, we're doin' it. We're doin' it.
- Haiching, baby! - Yes!
Guys, guys, I'm a boy.
Just so you guys know,
I have extra cash in my money belt.
And also, our passports are in there too.
- Why are you being paranoid? Don't worry.
I've got locks on my bag. Just put it in here.
- Really? - Of course.
Okay. Make sure your bags are zipped at all times.
See? Zip it. Zip it. Zip it.
We're in China. It's the safest place in the world.
I heard that if you're short,
you'll get kidnapped to go live on a gymnastics farm.
That's not a thing.
All I'm saying is that as foreigners,
we need to be extra vigilant, okay?
Just keep our heads on a swivel. And watch what
- we eat and what we drink. - Ooh, good call.
- Let's get some snacks. - Nom, nom, nom.
- Squid on a stick. - Okay.
Just come back here, okay?
- We have eight minutes. Okay, guess what?
Remember when I told you I auditioned for that movie?
Sweet Home Orange County?
- Well, I got the part. - You what?
I'm gonna be in LA next summer.
Oh, congratulations.
Isn't there a chance you're gonna be in LA too?
Yeah.
- Hotties in La La Land! - See,
this is why I have to close this deal and make partner.
It's gonna be so amazing
to have a friend there. I mean, you really...
You really know me.
- Yeah, I know. - You've seen a lot.
I've seen a little too much.
Do you think it's okay that I haven't told Clarence
everything about my past and...
Yeah, no, it's totally okay.
I mean, hey, can you...
- Okay. - ...not mention LA to Lolo?
I haven't really told her about it yet.
Is there an issue there?
Yeah, no, I mean, I'll tell her eventually.
But, uh, you know, she doesn't have as much going on as I do.
And I, I just think it might be
great to have some space.
I get it.
It's between you and me.
- Thank you. Zip. - Zip.
Where do we sit?
Find any car with open seats.
Those guys look shady.
Oh, there's room here. - I'm not really...
We'd have to squeeze.
I hate the smell of oranges.
Oh, hi, um, is anyone else sitting here with you?
No. Sorry. No. They're not sitting here.
Oh, amazing. Hey, guys!
Guys, guys, come on. I found one.
It's so nice to see an American.
Where are you visiting from?
Oh, um, I actually live in Beijing.
No way. She lives here.
Yeah. I moved here, like,
I wanna say, five years ago. I love it.
Also, looking like me here
- I get so much attention. - Totally.
Asian people with me,
it's just... They've... I... I'm Gisele.
Yeah. So, you like living here?
I love it. The people are great,
the food's incredible. And it's safe.
Is it safe? Because, I... I mean,
I just, I hear there's a lot of pickpockets here, right?
And Chinese youths are getting really into drugs.
Fuck yeah, they are.
Chinese kids are cool as fuck.
They fucking party.
You can get anything you want here.
I... It's... It's so unbelievable.
I mean, anything you want.
China White, benzos, bush, kush.
Uh, just curious, what do you do for work?
- Hmm? - Mmm?
Oh, I do import. I do import
- and then I... I also do export. - That's so cool.
So like, like furniture?
Sure.
I have my period. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Oh, shit. I'm bleeding.
Fuck.
- Oh, my God. She's so sweet! - Are you serious?
- That bitch is so suspicious. - What are you talking about?
- She's super nice. - Okay, I know you chose her
because she's American varsity blue corn-fed bitch,
but, like, no!
No, she's totally sus! There's something
- wrong with her. - Yeah, you're not my favorite,
- but I do agree. Shit! Fuck!
- Hey, are you... - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Are you okay?
Pox is gonna kill me.
- I know it's hot in here. Fuck!
- You can't open that window. - What are you looking at?
There's nothing to fucking see here.
Don't look at me like that.
- What is that?
It's the cops. They're doing a bag check.
Um, yeah, there's a drug dealer on the train.
- Oh, fuck! - Who do we think it is?
The family with the oranges?
Audrey, get a fucking grip! It's this bitch.
Oh, my God! You're a drug dealer?
Of course, I am. I was trying to sell you drugs.
Okay, you need to get rid of that now.
Get rid of it.
We need to get rid of that. 'Cause if I'm going down,
you little dipshits are going down with me.
We're American. They're gonna come after all of us.
If the cops ask, we'll just say we have nothing to do
- with her.
You're drug dealers now, bitches!
What the fuck?
Okay, that is good shit, by the way.
Yeah, I only sell the best.
Oh, fuck. Fuck.
No, no, no. - Oh, shit.
We can't get caught with drugs in China.
We'll get deported. Or jail, probably for life.
Oh, my God, is this what happened in Brokedown Palace?
That was Thailand!
Oh, my God. I'm gonna get disbarred.
I am too famous for jail.
You guys need to calm the fuck down
and you need to fuckin' listen to me, okay?
Since that window's not working,
we have two options. We hide the drugs in our body,
or we do them, okay? I need your help.
You look like you've done a lot of drugs.
- That's correct. - You look like you've
had a lot of things in your asshole.
Uh, not a lot of things. Just one thing.
But maybe different varieties of that one thing,
um, which is dick. I mean, no, no!
You don't understand. Cocaine makes me really horny.
- It could get really weird. - I know you two aren't
drug people and I know you're super scared right now
but you're gonna need to decide.
Are you gonna step up for your fellow countrywoman?
You gonna plug or you gonna play?
No. Neither.
- Is that a condom?
I'm not ready to have sex!
- Fuck! Group project!
Deadeye, get in there.
You know what, I'll handle this, okay?
I got it. I got it, guys. I got it, got it.
Attention, Chinese policemen.
Oh, shit. You're about to get lawyered.
Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi.
I know that you think that we have drugs,
and we do not have drugs. In fact, I'm a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer. I'm in fact, a very good lawyer.
And so I just want you to know that
we are citizens of Amer... America.
And that is why I rest my case.
- Bonk! Bonk! - Mmm.
- Mmm-mmm. - Okay?
And she took my suitcase. She took my suitcase.
Hey! This is mine!
Are you kidding? This is mine.
I've never done drugs in my life.
Okay, okay. We're good,
we're good, we're good, we're good. Okay.
Every... Everybody, calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
Oh, my God! What the fuck?
That American girl stole Kat's suitcase.
Our passports are in there.
Well, the bright side is, we just got kicked off the train.
We're not hanging by our nipples in a meat freezer.
No, no, no, no. If we do not have our passports,
then we can't go home. And if we can't go home,
then we can't go to our jobs. And if we don't have jobs,
we can't get more money to get more coke.
I want more coke. Oh, my God. Is anyone else itchy?
I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm fucking itchy.
Fuck. Fuck. Kat, honey, you good?
- Are they coming out? - Yeah, but only seven.
- And I think I put in eight. - If you get a clean one
could you just, um, keep me posted?
I hate you so much right now!
Just push. Pull. I mean, twist it.
It's not a Bop It, it's my asshole!
Okay, just stick your hand up there
like a claw machine tryin' to get the stuffed bear.
- Okay. - Deeper!
Okay. - Higher!
- Okay! - Get that bear!
I'm getting the bear!
- How are you so normal?
You did, like, twice as much stuff as the rest of us.
I think all the coke and molly just balanced out my system.
I just feel good.
Like, "just watched a child
"fall through a manhole cover" good.
You deserve it, little shit.
You're a beautiful silk kimono.
Is this a hot dog on a stick?
You know what? Maybe I just miscounted.
It's probably seven.
Deadeye! If you find coke, come back!
Guys, how have we walked for hours
and haven't seen one car?
It's all good. I DM'd Baron Davis.
Fuck. The next town is 27 kilometers away.
My basketball boo is on his way, okay?
Oh. Although, at this point,
I don't even wanna be rescued, okay?
I cannot be seen in public
- looking like this.
Yeah, you look like Hello Kitty
just got skull-fucked by Grobie.
Oh, my God, you're so funny!
- Fuck you!
This is all your fault.
How is it my fault?
I'm not the one who chose the train cabin
with the one obvious drug dealer
just 'cause I'm a wee bit racist against my own people.
- I'm not racist. - Hey, "not racist."
But you don't like boba
and you've never fucked an Asian guy, so...
- Damn. Still? - No, no. Remember that
foreign exchange student from Kazakhstan?
B... Bizi... Bizip? Uh, Bazid?
- David? - David. David.
Is Kazakhstan even in Asia?
They look kind of Asian sometimes.
Oh, my God! - Okay. Racist.
When I masturbate, I sometimes fantasize about Splinter.
- He's Asian. - He's a rat.
He's a good father.
Fine. Fine. I'm sorry, okay? It's my fault.
Oh, my God.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
My phone is dead.
We don't have any food or water.
God. I should have never come to China.
Wait, there's someone on the road.
No, there isn't. You're probably hallucinating.
Okay, maybe because I also see a giraffe
peeling off his spots
and throwing them like a frisbee.
Oh, shit!
Jeez.
Okay, but that's a bus, right?
Baron.
I knew you would come for me.
Ni hao, Lolo.
I heard y'all needed a ride.
Okay, so the team is going to give us a ride to Haiching
first thing in the morning.
- And then we can... Ooh, ooh.
Oh.
Audrey, are you eye-fucking an Asian guy?
No. No, no. Don't. No. Lolo, don't get us in trouble.
We're just, you know, just,
they're our ride, so let's just be cool.
- Let's be cool. - I'm cool. I'm very cool.
I'm gonna Jaws the fuck outta Baron Davis tonight.
Aah. Aah.
- Your mouth is so big. - Oh, my God.
I know. But, look, without teeth, not as big.
- Why is mine so tiny? - I'm all underbite.
Okay. Can everyone just close our mouths?
Let's just be adults, right?
Okay, they're just some normal, attractive men.
It's nothing to lose your minds over. It's...
- You okay? - Oh, my God.
It was eight coke bags.
It was eight. I just felt it burst.
Your mouth is pretty fuckin' big too.
Are you horny? Finger me twice if you're horny.
Kat?
Oh, shit. What's up, chica?
- Fancy seeing you here.
- I have no idea who you are. - Wait. Todd?
- What are you doing in China? - Hey, China!
- Oh, man, you know...
I'm just out here hoopin' professionally.
Why is Kat pretending like she doesn't know me?
Uh, my name's not Kat.
Yeah, no, that's not Kat.
That's... Hermione.
I'm Ron. This is Harry.
- Hagrid. - This...
Okay.
Just one sec.
Okay. Yeah.
Hey, not Kat. Um, mmm.
You know, sometimes I just find myself
thinkin' back to this time when me and someone who looks
so much like you rode out to the Grand Canyon
in my Ford F-150 pick-up truck. And then...
You used to bang this dude?
Yeah.
- No. I'm actually engaged now. - Whoa. Okay.
- So I have a... - Okay. Yeah. No, that's cool.
- I see that. - ...fiance.
Yep. That's okay. Great. Thank you. Wow.
I'm happy for you, Huang. That's awesome.
- Oh, man. Hey.
- I'm happy you're puttin' that
big ol' mouth of yours to good use, huh?
- Good seeing you.
- Oh, my God. - You all have a good night.
- Good seeing ya. - Yeah, you too.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Hoo-hoo-hoo.
So we know what's happening tonight.
No, no. I'm not hooking up with Todd, okay? Okay?
I am not horny at all.
The coke that literally just exploded inside my butthole
has no effect on me whatsoever.
Um, I am gonna go now.
Have fun DJing in between your legs tonight.
Oh, shit. Baron just texted me.
Okay. Promise me
- you'll have some fun tonight. - Okay.
All right, hit the bar. Let loose, okay?
Okay. Great.
- Linsanity!
Lin... Oh, Lin-Manuel Miranda?
So much to learn.
Finally, those two fuckin' losers are gone.
Now it's just two cool cats.
Dynamic duo. Thelma and Louise.
- We hangin' or what? - I actually have a lot of...
I gotta do some work.
Yeah. Study buddies. MVP of group projects.
I actually really need some alone time.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um...
No, but you should... You should have some fun.
- Yeah. - They seem really nice.
You should go... Oh, my God. Wait, look.
He has a BTS shirt on. You should go talk to him.
- Really? - Yeah.
No.
I... Okay.
Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Get some sleep.
Okay. See you.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't speak Chinese.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm Kenny. Uh, this is Arvind.
I think he wanted to buy you a drink.
- But he only speaks Chinese. - Oh.
And Hindi, which I'm assuming you don't speak.
Oh, no. I don't. Sorry, I'm...
I'm just a garbage American who only speaks English.
And a little Gollum.
"My precious!"
"They are filthy Hobbitses!"
- Do you guys have that here? - Uh, yeah, we have.
It's all over the world.
- Right. - Yeah. Um...
- Shit.
Hey.
Hello.
It's hot in here, huh?
The AC broken or somethin'?
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Lolo.
- Baron. - What's up?
One more round of Yobo, please.
And I know China is supposed to be my homeland but...
I don't know. Ever since I got here,
I just, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Firstly, there is no way to do Chinese wrong.
- Right. - But secondly,
what's the one thing you've been saying the most?
- I don't know. -"I."
You've been saying, "I can't eat the food."
"I am doing everything wrong."
It's not about that. The thing is, in China,
the collective is much bigger than the individual,
all right? It's like me and Arvind.
We're not from here.
But now we call this our home. Right?
See? He teaches me some Hindi,
I taught him how to fuck spiders.
What?
- It's an Australian thing. - Huh?
But you just gotta give it some time
and find your people.
That was really insightful.
Wait.
You and this Clarence dude have been dating
for over three years
- and never had sex?
Kat Huang I knew in college couldn't last three days.
That is all in the past.
I am different now.
Katherine Huang has got her shit together.
I get it.
I was bangin' so many random girls after every game.
- So many.
And I just thought to myself,
"Man, you gotta cut this shit out."
- Like...
...I gotta get serious
if I'm ever gonna find a real one, you know?
Kinda like what you and Clarice have.
His name is actually, uh, Clarence but...
- Oh! Ow!
- Fuck! - Are you okay?
Uh, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.
I probably just, uh... Uh, just pulled something.
Let's get you off. Come on. Hop up. Hop up.
Breathe. Breathe. Come on. Up, up.
Yeah. Okay. You're doin' great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Okay.
- Okay.
I actually have something that might help.
Okay.
May I?
Uh...
Yeah.
This is what I've been working on.
You're such a great artist.
How do you come up with this stuff?
I just want people to be more body positive.
You know, sex isn't shameful.
It's beautiful. Like, the noises?
- Yeah. - Come on.
- I'm into that shit too. - Look, at first,
I know my art seems like it's for shock value.
- But... - Mmm-hmm.
...I'm just tryin' to get the conversation going.
He says he really likes you.
Well, I like him too.
I like both of you.
God, I wish there were more of you guys
when I was growing up.
Maybe I would've had an Asian boyfriend by now.
Or two.
God, that's so hot.
He said he wants to make you scream.
Will you tell him I love that
but maybe it'd be better if his friend joined in.
- Tongue. Lips.
- Tongue. Faster.
Breathe with me.
You feelin' that?
Ah!
Let it in.
Do you like hair pulling?
I love it.
- Yeah, you like that?
- No!
- Now give me the basketball. - What?
Just give it to me!
Audrey, I just heard you haven't
closed the ChinaWave deal.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Hi, Frank. - Who the fuck is Frank?
Yeah, no, it's as good as done.
Um, I just need until Friday to make it official.
Okay, we're not payin' you to be on vacation out there.
Don't worry. I'm very... Very close.
Hell yeah, you are. You're about to finish,
so just keep grinding. Bend over backwards
- if you have to. - Yeah, okay. Okay.
- Whoa. - I want you to feel this too.
Ah!
Sugar, anyone? - I'll have some.
One lump or two lumps?
- Two.
- Oop.
So, how was everyone's night?
- Restful. I feel rested. - Mmm-hmm.
The beds are comfortable here.
Lolo! What the fuck happened?
Jiaying, torn hamstring.
Arvind, Ken, concussions.
Todd, shattered fucking pelvis!
Hello, kitty Kat.
You and your girls destroyed our team.
Now I have to go play the game by myself.
Get y'all ass on the bus.
Sorry.
Wait, you were supposed to be our ride, remember?
- Oh, shit. - What are we gonna do?
You know what? We've gotten this far.
We'll figure it out.
♪ How long can I leave
♪ The lights in the ceiling on?
♪ And the static from the TV
♪ Keeps me company 'til I'm gone
You think she's gonna fuck him too?
- Oh, yeah.
♪ 'Cause I rock back and forth
♪ Reciting words that I've said wrong
It is so beautiful here.
I love China.
Do you hear me?
Wo ai China.
Should we tell her that there's a bug on her jacket?
Mmm-mmm.
♪ What are you running from?
♪ Oh, maybe there's something in the midnight hours
♪ The midnight hours, you know?
♪ Or maybe there's something in the dead of night
How old is our driver?
Twelve, counting the Chinese way. So 11.
I don't understand, but I love it!
♪ One night, one night
♪ Where it's just me alone ♪
So you're sure it's okay for us
to stay at your grandma's house?
Of course. But just know that they're a lot.
Very good.
Okay. Wait.
- What, what's he saying? - They think
you're very beautiful.
And any mother, uh,
would be lucky to have you as a daughter.
Thank... Thank you.
Uh, Xie... Xiexie.
Oh, have some chocolate. This a favorite.
This is the chocolate of "Chinese" Chinese people.
Shit. This means she likes you.
If you see Russell Stover, you're fucked.
[IN ENGLISH] Okay.
In this house, you are family.
Ganbei!
Whoa. Okay.
So, is this a Chinese card game?
No, I just made it up to win their money.
I tell them it's an American game.
Ah?
Hey, Deadeye.
Why you so grumpy?
You should smile more.
- Like Audrey. - Oh.
It's nice that you have such a big family.
I'm not really like my family.
Well, you and me, both.
Really?
I feel like you and your parents are kinda the same.
I mean, you're basically white. No offense.
I'm Chinese, I'm not white.
I'm sorry. I say so many stupid things.
That's why my family thinks
I'm socially awkward and too weird.
You think I am too.
- No, I don't. - I heard you in the airport.
No, I, I didn't mean that. It...
It... It's okay.
I'm used to it.
You know why I like K-pop?
No. Why?
Because it likes me back.
Yeah, it's not just awesome songs,
it's about what we created because we love the music.
It's about us.
I've never thought about it that way.
- The... The community. - But it's not real.
I haven't met any of them.
I just talk to them online. I don't have any real friends.
- Well, we're friends. - Really?
'Cause we're gonna be home in a couple of days.
Do you actually think we're gonna hang out?
- Yeah, we could. Of course. - I don't know.
Everyone likes you. You're cool.
Your hair smells like a cookie.
- Your life is perfect.
Well, it's not.
But sometimes even I feel like...
You... You know, I don't really belong either.
You know?
So, so what kind of music do you like to listen to?
I mean, I love Mumford Sons.
Uh, The National.
- Maroon Five. The best. - Yes.
- T Swift is my... - Uh-huh.
I've really been liking Cardi B.
- I love Cardi B. - Oh, cool.
Yeah. You know, K-pop owes so much to hip-hop.
Suck it, Bao Bao!
Bao Bao!
- You in that thing yet? - Almost.
It's nice of Nai Nai to let me borrow this.
Yeah. You're lucky she likes you.
- She doesn't like anyone. - Well, I like her, too.
I like your whole family, Lo.
It's funny, all night I kept thinking about
what it'd be like if I'd grown up here.
- Mmm. - I'd be like everyone else,
you know?
People wouldn't stare at me at the grocery store.
Or ask my parents where they got me from.
I wouldn't always just be the Asian girl.
You know, I could, I could be the smart girl.
Or... or the nice, funny girl.
I wonder if I'd still feel like I had to be perfect
all the time just to belong.
I don't know. Maybe my whole life would be different.
I don't think it'd be that much different.
Wow, bitch.
It's nice, right?
China looks good on you.
I kind of love it.
- Hey, thanks. - For what?
I'm so grateful that you pushed me to do this.
I don't think I could have done it without you.
- I got you.
Ooh. Wow!
You look gorgeous.
You know, I wore that dress the night
I was deflowered by the love of my life.
- Aw. Grandpa? - No.
Oh.
That's it.
You ready?
Okay.
Hey!
Oh. Hi. My, my name is Audrey.
I'm... I'm looking for my mother.
You brought the picture?
Yeah, I just...
thought it would be nice to have in China.
She knew you.
Does she know my mother?
What is she saying?
Okay, what's, what's going on?
Does she know where my mom is?
You, Korea girl.
Uh...
Your mom's name is Min Park.
That... That's a mistake.
I'm... I'm Chinese.
I... I went to Chinese school for a year.
I... I... We... We celebrated Chinese New Year's. I...
But Korea's great. I mean, there's... There's mukbang,
soju, Hyundai, Gangnam Style,
half of Hines Ward, half of Charles Melton,
all of Randall Park.
I want my dress back.
Stop being so racist!
My whole life has been wrong.
It hasn't.
We're only friends because my parents were, like,
"Ooh, another little Chinese girl."
In everyone's defense,
we were the only Asian people in town.
So we still would've been friends.
White people don't know the difference.
- My parents are white. So what if you're Korean?
We all end up in the same place.
Walking around town with our hands
behind our back, like this.
That's enough. That's enough.
Fuck this.
I mean...
This whole birth mom journey is bullshit.
You know what?
I only wanted to find her
to close this fucking business deal.
I don't actually give a shit
if I'm a Korean lawyer or a Chinese lawyer
or a fucking German lawyer, because I'm a lawyer.
And I'm goin' to finish this job.
This is all a lot, you know?
You don't have to think about work right now.
This says she's in Seoul, right?
- That's what you said earlier? Uh, yeah.
Okay. So, if we go to Seoul right now,
I could still find her and bring her back in time
- to go to Chao's dinner. - But there are probably, like,
ten thousand Min Parks in Korea.
Yes, but we have all of her info right here.
We can hire a private investigator
- to track her down. - I'm so in.
Thank you. Thank you, Deadeye. You're an amazing friend.
Lolo, are you in?
I mean, this is what you wanted, right?
- I'm in. I'm in, yeah. - Yes. Thank you.
Thank you. Let's go.
Passports. Passports. Where are our passports?
Oh, they are in my suitcase that got stolen.
We don't need fuckin' passports. Let's go.
Let's think. No bad ideas. Let's go.
We could flash our titties and just
- hitchhike the whole way. - That's a bad idea.
We could take a rocket to space
and then try to land in Korea. No customs in the atmosphere.
I feel like that's worse.
Okay, uh, we become mail-order brides,
uh, and then we... We find a really big envelope
and then we could just...
I fuckin' love that spirit, Deadeye.
- Just keep thinking. - We take coke again
- and we just sprint. - No more coke!
Let's go. Let's go. Come on. Come on, guys.
- We could swim there. - Okay.
Yeah. How, how long can you hold your breath?
That's it! That's it! I can't do it anymore!
Not long enough. Okay, look. Ready? Ready? Ready?
You know who can bypass airport security?
- The Obamas. - Yes. And K-pop stars.
We are not K-pop stars.
Not yet, we aren't.
So, are we sure this is gonna work?
BTS Army always comes through.
@Jinderalla88 said we should be good to go.
Just act confident. We're Brownie Tuesday.
We're a brand-new group.
We just did our debut in Shanghai.
Our first single has nine million downloads.
Everyone remember their names?
- Sassy. - Cutie.
- Lisa. - Lisa "two".
- We got this. - We got this.
Where are your passports?
- We're Brownie Tuesday. - Yeah. We signed with
Hit Bang Entertainment last week. That's our jet.
Where are your travel documents?
Do you even know the name of your booking?
Yeah. Uh, @Jinderalla88.
Please leave.
I thought you said your friend set this up.
I knew it.
They're just online friends. They're not real friends.
No, no. It's okay.
We'll figure something else out.
No, no. This always happens to me.
I make friends, but they never come through.
No one wants to be my friend.
This is all so
- fucking stupid.
Deadeye, look.
Deadeye?
@Jinderalla88?
Yes, honey. The one and only.
Okay, slay.
You'd make V very proud.
I'm pretending to be your manager.
We even brought you fans!
Give it up for Brownie Tuesday!
Hi.
Can they get on their jet now?
I don't believe these girls are singers.
I can assure you that these are
professional idols. And they've been training
since they were 14 and 15 years old.
Girls, show them.
Um, what, what?
- Show them what? Uh, just show 'em.
Well, just show them.
Hello? What are supposed to show?
You're a fan of Cardi B, right?
Yeah, but is she here?
Just pretend that you're back in the Tootles.
Trust me.
This is gonna be hot. Livestream this.
♪ There's some whores in this house
♪ You'll go whore Cha, cha, cha
♪ There's some whores in this cha
♪ I'm a certified freak
♪ Seven days a week
♪ Wet ass pussy Hear this AZN speak
♪ Yeah, you fuckin' with some
- ♪ Wet ass pussy - ♪ Wet ass pussy
♪ Gimme everything you got for this wet ass pussy
♪ Wet ass pussy
♪ Beat it up, Lolo, catch a charge
♪ Kumon smart and Kumon hard
♪ Put this pussy on a girl named Grace
♪ Who got them A's on a report card
♪ Hop on top, I wanna ride
♪ In a rice rocket that's a Hyundai
♪ Cut up that duck, don't cut up the eyes
♪ This pussy is wet, we know how to dive
- ♪ Olympics - ♪ Thai me up
- ♪ Like I'm tea iced - ♪ Let's go play
♪ Just not on the slide
♪ I want you to park that plastic couch
♪ Right in this dusty garage
- ♪ Out in public - ♪ Don't make a scene
♪ I don't cook I don't clean
♪ I will fuck you up if you call me Ching
♪ There's some whores in this house
♪ House, house, house
♪ Take off your shoes in the house
♪ For this wet ass pussy
♪ Now drink a soju and a Hite
♪ For this wet ass pussy
♪ Ask my permission just to kiss me
♪ On this wet ass pussy
♪ It's an honor to be Asian with this wet ass pussy ♪
Ow.
What the fuck is that?
Nothing. I'm...
Your pussy's the devil?
That is way bigger than I expected.
No wonder you won't have sex with Clarence.
- That thing is massive. It's huge.
The artist did really impressive work, Kat.
You don't understand. I've tried lasers,
I've tried skin grafts and,
and nothing... Nothing will take.
My vagina is the devil.
And she is here to stay.
Kat, it's gonna be okay. It'll be okay.
It will not be okay. It's on the inside too.
Oh, Clar.
Clarence.
I came for you.
- Wait, no, I can explain. - No, I...
Who are you?
Clarence, no.
Clarence, no!
Fuck! What am I gonna do?
You have caused a public disturbance!
And committed an indecent exposure!
- We know. - You must leave. Now!
Okay.
Okay. Not to worry. Not to worry.
Plan B. Plan B.
Do you guys have another jet?
♪ Ayo, lil' bitch Get the fuck outta here
♪ We just wanna have a good time
Those chickens have to stop.
♪ That is not your open invitation ♪
Deadeye, did you just kill the chicken?
- No.
Okay, the agency's right down that way.
Coffee in cute bear cups?
My treat?
Oh, finally. There's good Wi-Fi here.
- All my emails are coming in.
I can see if Clarence texted me back.
- I did...
Oh, I didn't know I had fans here. That's kinda nice.
Wait, they love you here.
So, um, I think maybe some people
picked up my livestream.
- What? - It... It's okay.
I'm sure it's not going viral or anything.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I am fucked!
There's already a meme with Tweety Bird saying,
-"I thought I thaw..." - Don't say it!
- Weird. Chao's calling me.
Hi, Chao. So good to hear from you.
My mother and I were actually just talking about you.
- Do not bother coming. - What?
I saw the video of you and your friend's
- devil vagina. - Let me explain.
It's actually, it... It's so hilarious.
You're gonna love this story. It's...
- Um... - You lied to me.
You told me you're in Beijing with your mother.
But that's clearly not true.
I cannot do business with someone
who's not who they say they are.
Please. Just... Just hear me out.
No, I've already made up my mind.
I will tell your boss that we are not
- going to sign. - But, when you talk to Frank
can you please just not mention
- the whole video thing? - I already saw it.
- Shit! I didn't know
you were this shady, Audrey.
I mean, that is the last time that I take a chance
on someone like you.
Again, I mean associate, not an Asian.
- Anyway, you're fired. - What?
Frank. No... I... I can fix this.
I'm still an ally though.
I fired a white guy earlier this week.
Did the exact same thing.
Okay, Frank. Frank? Frank, don't hang up.
I'm gonna get fired from my show.
And my movie.
And I'm never gonna go to LA.
It's okay. It's not the end of the world.
No, it literally is the end of the world.
Clarence and I were gonna rent a house in Malibu.
And we were gonna be one of those couples
who meditate every single day and tell people about it
because that is what people do in Los Angeles.
- It's okay.
And Audrey was gonna hang out with us
all the time when she moved there.
Audrey was gonna move out to LA?
Once she closed the deal and got promoted.
Why didn't you tell me about LA?
- Lolo, I can't right now. - What was your plan?
Were you just gonna move out and never say anything?
It's not happening anymore.
I just got fired.
What? - Chao saw the video.
- Your video. - Yeah, well, whatever.
Fuck them. You'll get a new job.
- It's not that easy. - For you, it will be.
Just go to the country club where you play squash at.
I'm pretty sure one of those white guys will give you a job
- in, like, two seconds. - What the fuck?
I worked hard for that job.
You know what? This is all your fucking fault.
Four bears for four best friends.
Cappuccino is for Audrey
because she doesn't like to try anything weird.
- She's the best. - You're a fucking idiot.
Telling Chao that I knew my birth mom.
Dragging us all over the Chinese countryside.
I was doing this for you.
No. You were doing it for yourself.
You still think we're kids on some dumb grand adventure.
Well, grow the fuck up, Lolo. The rest of us are adults.
You're still a fucking child. Okay, my life is ruined.
Your life is ruined?
My life is ruined, okay?
You can always find another fucking desk job, okay?
I can never find another Clarence.
And whose fault is that?
Maybe you should've been honest with him
from the beginning instead of lying every single day
for the past three years.
Whoa, what the fuck? That's her business.
And since when are you the spokesperson for honesty?
Okay, so are... Are you two best friends now?
What, like Lilo and Stitch?
You fuckin' suck at impressions.
Go fuck yourself!
I'll knock your teeth out, bitch!
I am an actress.
And even I am less self-involved than you are.
Huh.
- Kat. - You know what? Kat's right.
You've been a shitty friend.
This entire time, I was helping you
so you could get promoted and leave me?
- I was doing it for my career. - Why?
I mean, you're always talkin' about how you feel like
- you don't belong there. - I don't belong anywhere.
I'm clearly not white,
but you're always telling me that I am.
And I'm also not Asian enough. At least not for you.
That's all in your head! Your life is perfect!
How is my life perfect
when I spend all my time babysitting a grown-ass
- 29-year-old woman? - I'm babysitting you!
I've been saving your ass since we were kids
- on the playground. - You've never, ever
applied yourself, Lolo.
You wanna be a real artist? Then grow up!
Right now, you're just a barnacle with a cute hobby!
Yo, I may be a barnacle, but at least I know who I am.
You know what?
If we didn't grow up
as the only two Asian girls in town,
we never would've been friends.
- Sorry. Thank you so much for waiting.
- We found the record
- of your birth mother. - Oh, my gosh.
I... I can't read this. Um...
So do I call her or...
I... I'm sorry, I'd... I don't know how this works.
I'm so sorry to tell you that...
she's passed away.
I have the address of where she was buried
if you would like to visit her.
No. I'm, uh, um...
Do you have friend here?
- Someone you can call? - No. Uh, it's okay. Thank you.
Thank... Thank, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you.
♪ If I could let you in my skin
♪ Then you would know
♪ The state I'm in
Hi.
Hi, Dad.
♪ Every end
♪ Sometimes it's hard for me to see
♪ Anything else but stormy seas
Hey, it's Clarence.
Jesus loves you. Leave a message.
- Uh, hi.
I know you never wanna talk to me again, but, um...
I hope you will listen.
I wanna be 100% honest about everything and...
and, well, everyone I've ever done.
I guess we'll start with the A's.
♪ I didn't know it was fine
♪ To be quiet
♪ Quiet
♪ To be quiet
♪ Quiet ♪
Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
I don't... I don't speak Korean.
That's okay.
My name's Dae Han.
I'm Min Young's husband.
You must be the daughter.
Wait. Are...
Are you my...
No.
But I'm glad to finally meet you.
We were only married a few years before she fell sick.
I'm so sorry.
They were good years.
We never had kids of our own though.
I'm very sorry I wasn't able to introduce you
to a little brother or sister today.
It's okay.
She always talked about you though.
You know, she was just a teenager
when she got pregnant.
Her boyfriend didn't want to get in trouble,
and he denied it.
So, her parents sent her to China until you were born.
They're the ones who forced her to give you up.
But she never stopped thinking about you.
If I tried to find her sooner
maybe she and I could...
But it's too late.
There's something you should see.
When she got sick, she wanted to throw a party.
So, we rented a boat
and we sailed out to Yeouido Park.
Uh, that's right along the Han River.
Several of us got seasick
- on the way...
...which she thought was pretty hilarious.
But it was beautiful.
She got to say goodbye to everybody she loved.
Except for you.
So she made you this.
Hi. I'm Min.
Sorry, my English is not good.
What are you talking about?
Your English is very good.
I am sorry
I could not be part of your life.
I want to very much.
But when you were baby,
you smile so big.
And you cry so big.
I wonder what you are like now.
Are you doctor?
- Lawyer? Teacher?
But it doesn't matter.
I'm proud to be your mother.
It doesn't matter?
- That's not what you told me.
I hope this message find you.
And...
My daughter...
I love you.
I'm sorry.
Well, glad we got a chance to spend some time together.
Me, too.
Really have to go so soon?
Yeah, but I'll be back.
Um...
Thank you so much again for everything.
And honestly, I'm just so lucky that you
happen to be at her grave that day.
Well, I appreciate that, but, uh, it wasn't quite luck.
Your friends messaged me.
Uh...
Lolo, Kat, and... I know I'm gonna get this one wrong.
Uh, Deadeye?
Yeah. Oh, um...
Yeah, my... My parents must've told them.
Yeah, they told me that you were actually in Korea
and that I might find you if I went to the graveyard.
They didn't tell you any of this, did they?
Oh, no. We, um...
It's just, we got into a little bit of a fight.
And, uh, I...
I lost my job and I said some...
really terrible things to all of them and, uh...
It may not be any of my business,
but it seems to me that what matters the most
is if your friends love you enough to forgive you.
- Well... - And if they went through all this trouble,
I think they would.
Where are they now?
Hey, Kat.
Listen, I... I'm sorry about everything that happened. I...
No. No. No, no, no, no, no. I...
I listened to your voicemail.
The whole three hours of it.
I appreciate the honesty.
Truth of it is, I kind of figured
that you'd had sex before.
You know, you're just so sensual, and worldly
and one time I saw your browser history and...
It's not like I didn't wanna have sex.
I was just so worried
that I wouldn't live up to your expectations.
And then when I saw your tattoo,
I just got crazy intimidated and...
Look, Kat, when we kiss,
I have to leave space for Jesus.
I gotta leave that God gap
because I'm gonna ruin my pants.
Every time.
That's why I wear three pairs of underwear.
Oh, honey. I love you so much
that I gave up the thing I love second most for you.
- And I love dick.
I can be dick.
And I can love you. I can do both.
So, should we have sex right now?
- Ah. Ooh. Ooh. Oh. - Ah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
what's happening? What's happening? What's happening?
Ha... Save... No...
Saved it.
- Saved it. - Mmm.
Thanks, Jin Ho.
Heard you got into med school.
So proud.
Here you go. Hot and steamy.
Let me know if you want hot sauce.
I'll get you the Chinese kind.
Pretty sure you can handle it.
- Hi. - You had me at "Hi."
Oh.
Hi.
I didn't know you worked here now.
I don't. I'm just covering 'cause Jing's out sick.
I'm trying to match her vibe. What do you think?
Number 32! Number 32!
Party of two!
Yeah, that's good.
- Lolo. - Sorry. I'm so sorry. Um...
She doesn't wanna talk to you.
Yeah, I figured when I left her, like,
ten messages and she didn't call me back.
Sorry.
Family first. Have to do it. Respectfully, of course.
Yeah, no, I know. I know.
- Good to see you. - Good to see you, too.
Lolo! Lolo! No, no, no. Lolo! Stop.
No, no, no. Hey! Hey! Break! Break! Stop!
- Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sorry, everyone.
Enjoy your meal.
Um, it's, it's just that everything's a mess
and it's all my fault.
Ever since we were kids,
I was this scared little girl
who always felt like she had to prove herself to everyone
except for you.
You were always looking out for me.
With you was the only time I felt safe to be me.
Even though I didn't know who the hell I was.
But you've always been comfortable being you.
And you tried to make me feel that way too.
You know me better than I know myself.
I...
You were right. I hated working at that law firm.
But... Thanks to you, I can do something more meaningful.
Start my own practice.
Because I know that I'm brave enough now.
Hell yeah.
She had a devil's threesome in China.
Huh? What?
- I did.
Lolo, it's so great
that you are working here.
And I'm so proud of you for that
but you are an incredible, true artist.
You cannot give that up just because
I am a lying, hurtful, stupid failure of a friend.
Audrey, I haven't given up. Look.
My wall of licky cats.
I just sold one yesterday.
I'm only waiting tables for now so I'm not such a barnacle.
You've always been a better friend to me
than I have been to you. And I'm so, so sorry.
Just shut up. Okay?
You're the best friend I could ever ask for.
The biggest support system.
And I'm sorry. I'm the one that's fuckin' sorry.
I took you for granted.
So, does that mean you forgive me?
Come here, bitch.
Friendship.
Party of three?
Oh, my God. Get in here.
Deadeye.
We're back, baby!
Wait, are we all back?
Have you and Kat started talkin' again?
Yeah, I called her to apologize.
But wait, does that mean you and Kat were talking?
We've been in touch.
- We're like this. Mmm.
So, we should all go on a trip again, the four of us.
To beautiful South Dakota. Home of the Corn Palace.
Yeah. - Bookmark it.
Kat and I actually had a place in mind.
Bonjour!
Look at us! Look at us!
Our second annual best friends trip.
This is gonna be iconic.
Let's start with some art and culture.
Oh, I love Roldan.
I gotta say, the French know how to sculpt a titty.
I love art.
Oh, that's gonna be so much fun.
Art. Art. Art.
So, is anyone hungry?
- Yes. Please. - I am.
I want to try escargot.
You know, we don't have to eat French food.
- This is so good. I love this bulgogi.
Mmm. Mmm.
Okay, okay. A toast.
To Audrey. Badass boss bitch
- starting her own firm. - Yes, she is!
To our dearest Deadeye.
Because they host the most incredible game night
specifically so I can crush them at Catan.
- And to Kat
who's in a movie directed by the Greta Gerwig.
- Yes, she is!
Okay. And to our very own Frida Kah-Lolo...
- Aw.
...whose lotus collection is finally at the MOCA.
Well, it's not the Museum of Contemporary Arts
but it is a cafe in Snohomish. So ganbei to that.
Ganbei!
Mmm. - I don't wanna hijack
our second annual best friends trip
but Clar-Bear and I looking at fall dates for the wedding
and I was just wondering...
will you all be my bridal party?
Really? Of course. - Of course, we will.
Duh! Ooh!
The bridal party should all get matching tattoos like Kat.
Okay, very funny.
- Very funny. Ha-ha.
Ganbei!
Mmm.
Mmm. Or we could get a tattoo of the Chinese flag
to commemorate the motherland.
Or Princess Peach. I haven't decided.
I think I'm gonna get an Eiffel Tower.
Because Paris? No, the...
Hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, like you all are gonna get tattoos.
What if I already got one?
I already got one.
You did not. What?
Wanna see?
It lights up.
Ooh!
♪ What cha think you're doin', baby?
♪ Speed up
♪ I'm gonna take you high
♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate
♪ Come on, come on, baby
♪ Now come and get this
♪ Baby, I know, I know you really want it
♪ I'm gonna take you high
♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate
♪ Come on, come on, baby
♪ Now come and get this
♪ Baby, I know, I know you really want it
♪ So can you take me high
♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate
♪ Come on, come on, baby
♪ Now come and get this
♪ Baby, I know, I know you really want it ♪