[TV static drones]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
[bright tone]
[slow percussive music]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
♪ ♪
- I made my famous lemon squares.
- You did?
Oh, my goodness. - Oh, my gosh. What?
- And he bakes? - Oh, my God.
- Mmm, damn, these are so good.
- These are amazing. - Mmm, mmm.
What is the secret ingredient? - Lemon.
- [laughs]
- Let's go kill it out there, right?
- Mmm. - Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
[mellow music]
♪ ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
John Early!
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ Tell you what I did last night ♪
♪ I came home, say, around a quarter to 3:00 ♪
♪ Still so high, hypnotized ♪
♪ In a trance from this body ♪
♪ So buttery brown and tantalizing ♪
♪ You would have thought I needed help ♪
♪ From this feeling that I felt ♪
♪ So shook, I had to catch my breath ♪
♪ Ooh, there goes my shirt up over my head ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, there goes my skirt droppin' to my feet ♪
♪ Oh, my, oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, some kind of touch caressin' my legs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm turnin' red, who could this be? ♪
♪ I looked over to the left, mm ♪
♪ I was lookin' so good, I couldn't reject myself ♪
♪ I looked over to the left, mm ♪
♪ I was feeling so good, I had to touch myself ♪
♪ I looked over to the left, oh ♪
♪ I was eyein' my thighs, butter-pecan brown ♪
♪ I looked over to the left, ow ♪
♪ Comin' out of my shirt, and then my skirt came down ♪
♪ Ooh, there goes my shirt up over my head ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, there goes my skirt droppin' to my feet ♪
♪ Oh, my, unh ♪
♪ Ooh, some kind of touch caressin' my legs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm turnin' red, who could this be? ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Hello, Brooklyn.
[cheers and applause]
It's so nice to be back in the borough
of my wasted sexual prime.
Check, check. Check, check, one, two.
You guys can hear me, right?
Check, check.
I just want to make sure this is amplifying queer voices.
My name is John Early, and I solemnly swear
to make you feel so good tonight.
[cheers and applause]
I will drain you...
like a public pool
after a kid's taken a shit in it.
♪ Ooh, there goes my shirt up over my head ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, there goes my skirt droppin' to my knees ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, some kind of touch caressin' my legs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm turnin' red, who could this be? ♪
[imitates explosion]
[cheers and applause]
Make some noise for John Early and The Lemon Squares!
[cheers and applause]
You're damn right we got the drumhead.
It's official.
Can you believe this band?
[mellow music]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
- All right, guys, let's circle up for a prayer.
Will.
- Sorry, John.
- Dear God,
you know, it's easy to dismiss comedy
as purely silly or as just escapism.
But what we do up there tonight
has the power to change lives.
Just today, a little girl came up to me on the street,
and she told me that my videos and stuff
had given her the courage to come out
to her entire family.
And...
that little girl was me.
That little girl was me.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, I'm actually confused, too.
One more thing.
I promise, one more thing, and we're gonna get started.
And they're gonna hate me for saying anything at all
because they're very shy,
but my parents are here tonight.
[cheers and applause]
And it's really sweet.
And I just-- it's so sweet to me,
and I just want to acknowledge it.
And I promise not to call any more attention to them,
because they're very,
you know, modest and Presbyterian.
But, yeah. But...
[imitates explosion]
[cheers and applause]
Everybody get a real good look
at my stupid fucking parents.
What's it like being under the spotlight for once?
It feels nice, right?
Well, it's hell for me.
I have to live with that every day.
And, guys, it can all go away in a heartbeat.
Release.
[cheers and applause]
Fuck you.
I hated growing up.
Okay.
We're gonna start the show. Okay.
All right.
If we look back...
at the "Access Hollywood" tapes...
Not so bad.
If we look back soberly,
after stuff has died down just a little bit,
you know, he sounds less predatory in retrospect
and maybe a little more just like someone...
who's terrified of sex, you know?
Like, I think if we're really being honest with ourselves,
like, Trump is just not a sensual person.
Like, I guess it sounded like "locker room talk,"
in that it sounded like me
at age 12 in the locker room...
trying to convince a group of straight guys
that I "like Lizzie."
You know, like...
You just grab 'em by the pussy.
Right?
I moved on her like a bitch.
These are direct quotes.
And my favorite of all time-- my favorite of all time is...
[clears throats]
I better get some Tic Tacs in case I start kissing her.
One of my least favorite pieces of advice
is "be yourself."
And here's why.
If there are eight billion people on this planet, okay--
eight billion apparently unique individuals
with some sort of authentic self lurking within--
then being yourself should technically look
about 8 billion different ways, right?
But when someone tells you to be yourself,
they want one thing, and they want one thing only,
and it's this.
There's a monopoly on the tone
of being yourself, right?
Like, everyone always wants this.
They want this.
So corny.
Another piece of advice that I hate
is "a watched pot never boils"...
but specifically in the romantic sense,
you know, when people are like,
"The second you stop looking, he'll come."
"Don't look, then he'll come," you know?
Because if the end goal of not looking, stopping looking
is still just to find someone, that he'll come,
then doesn't that make the not looking
just another form of looking?
How do you not look?
How do you not-- how do you not look?
What?
Like, this is me looking for love.
Ready? This is me looking for love.
That was it.
Because we're all constantly looking for love.
Now this is me--
this is me not looking for love, okay?
This is me not looking for love.
It's impossible is what I'm trying to say.
You know, what am I supposed to do
on the way to get coffee?
I'm supposed to, like, rock a messy bun
and wear a shapeless baggy T
that's like, "zero fucks given."
[nasal voice] I'm not looking. I'm not looking.
I'm not looking!
[normal voice] And then, boom, it's the barista.
But I hate when people are like,
"Just pour yourself into your work.
Just throw yourself into your work, and then it'll come."
You know, it's like, I'm an actor.
Like, the more I'm working, the more I'm looking for love.
You know?
Like, what am I supposed to do, turn to ceramics?
I become obsessed with, like, working with my hands.
I start making, like, folk art.
I'm like, can someone help me move my sculpture?
It's of a man, but he's made of different guitar parts.
I'm John.
Hi. [chuckles]
This is crazy. [chuckles]
[soft ethereal music]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
both: ♪ Ah, ooh ♪ - Hey, Dom, Princess.
- Yeah? - Hey.
- Do you mind scooting back for me a little bit?
- Oh, sure.
- Of course. How's this?
- Keep going back, actually.
- Oh, okay. - Keep going.
Yeah, don't stop till you feel
that curtain in front of you, okay?
- Oh.
- Keep scooching. Keep scooching.
- Okay. - Keep scooching.
- Uh...
- Yeah. - Right?
- That's pretty good. - Yeah.
So, Yazan, if you can scooch stage right for me.
And, Drew, can you scooch stage left?
Oh, Yazan, stage right is your right.
That's okay, sweetie. Keep scooching.
Keep scooching, both y'all.
Keep scooching. Keep scooching.
Yeah, keep scooching.
- I'm at the top of the steps.
- Well, then scooch on down those steps.
Keep scooching. Keep scooching.
Oh, okay, see how Drew is in that,
like, moody kind of shadowy light?
Let's lock that in.
Evan, let's lock that in.
Okay, so, Hess and Will,
can y'all hunch for me?
Hunch.
Yeah, yeah, keep hunching.
Keep hunching. Keep hunching.
Keep-- Okay, yeah.
See, so this feels dynamic to me.
Right? - I--yeah.
I agree.
[mellow music playing]
- Um...
Sometimes anal is so good.
[imitates explosion]
Buckle up, guys. This is a long joke.
And yeah,
unfortunately for you, I'm a sexual being.
Release.
I'm so sorry about them, you guys.
I literally didn't want them here.
Like, I wanted it to be just us.
Sometimes anal is so good.
It's so good that it makes me wonder--
it makes me think, like, it's not just some hack.
[laughs] Like, sometimes it's so good,
I'm like, oh, it wasn't just some, like, "sex hack"
invented by homosexuals, like...
300 million years ago or whatever.
Sometimes it's so good that I start to wonder
if, like, the original purpose of the anus
was to be a sex organ,
and that the... shitting--sorry--
is just some weird error...
That we have yet to phase out...
like the appendix, you know?
I think what I'm trying to say, like, on a science level--
because in this house,
oh, we believe in science--
If the anus is, in fact,
a highly functioning sex organ,
like any highly functioning part of the body,
it got that way because of the long, intricate process
of evolution.
So I think what I'm trying to say is--
I think--
the people who weren't having anal
died off.
One of my favorite parts about being gay
is when I'm no more than three words into a story
and the person across from me is like, "I can't."
[cheers and applause]
It's like, "How are you, John?" "I'm pretty good."
"I can't with you."
Where'd she go?
"You're insane."
"What?" [chuckles]
Something I love to do, and you guys can do this, too,
is when someone describes their apartment as prewar...
I'll go, "Name that war.
"Five, four, three, two, one.
"I'll circle back to ten, nine, eight, seven, six.
"Name that war in five, in four,
"and name that war in three, in two,
and name that war in one."
And they can never name the war.
They do not know the war of which they speak.
But neither would any of us, you know?
I mean, really, like, none of us here
know anything of war, right?
I guess the only war any of us can really speak to...
the streaming wars.
Which side are you on?
I enlisted at HBO Max.
[mellow music]
♪ ♪
- John, you better eat something before the show.
- Yeah. You got to get your energy up.
- Yeah, John. You didn't eat any lunch, man.
It's no joke.
- I guess I'm just not that hungry.
Whoa.
- John, seriously, you got to get you some protein.
- Thank you, sweetie, but I'm totally--
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Thank you, guys. Here I go.
Okay.
- Oh, my God. Okay, Okay.
- All right.
- Watch your head. Watch your head.
- Thank you.
- You okay, buddy?
- Yeah.
Thanks to you guys.
- Want something to eat, pal?
- No.
Still no.
- Some water? - Even that, no.
How do you let your boyfriend go to therapy?
And I don't mean in general.
I mean, how do you let them walk out of the front door?
Like, "Where are you going? Oh, therapy. Cool."
And, like...
"Oh, therapy, yeah, yeah. Have fun."
Like...
they're 100% ripping you
to shreds...
with the help of a licensed professional, hunty.
It's them and someone with a master's degree
taking a blacklight to your personality.
That's why whenever I knew my boyfriend had an appointment,
like, had a session that day, I'd be like,
"Breakfast in bed!"
[laughs awkwardly]
[sighs] You guys, I think just with everything
that's going on in the world right now,
we should do some Britney, right?
[cheers and applause]
Let's do Britney.
Yeah, okay.
Let's do Britney.
Okay, so here's the deal.
I'm going to take a request,
but I need order in the fucking court.
We have her whole catalog ready to go.
It might take a second to lock it in,
but I just need, like, one request.
Oh, yes, pick a Britney song you love.
- "Lucky."
- Any Britney song you want to hear.
Any Britney-- [babbles] bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
Any Britney song you want to hear.
- "Hold It Against Me."
- And I said-- it was a really simple prompt.
I literally said, pick-- [audience shouts]
Ah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. - "Toxic"!
- Shh!
I said--I quite simply said any Britney song
you want to hear. Yes.
- "Toxic."
- [sighs] Okay, so third album, third single.
Third album, third single.
Who wants to pick?
Yeah? - "Circus."
- [sighs]
It's just funny 'cause that's probably,
like, the fifth, sixth album.
So, when I say third album...
[laughing] I just have to laugh.
You know?
I'm just up here laughing.
Third album, third single.
[audience shouts]
- "Stronger."
- Oh, that's the second album.
- "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."
- Okay, we're closer. We're at the third album.
That was the second single.
- Okay, that's what I thought. - "In the Zone"!
- "Overprotected"! - Let's do "Overprotected."
[cheers and applause]
Do we have that? Do we have "Overprotected"?
♪ 'Cause my life has been-- ♪ Yeah.
♪ Overprotected ♪ Yeah, yeah.
[sighs] Okay, thank you.
I love that.
Okay, so can we just lock in the key so I really--
[keyboard note plays]
Can we actually--
Sorry, can we build the chord so I really lock it in?
So can you all do--
♪ Bush ♪
all: ♪ Bush ♪
- And then-- ♪ Did ♪
all: ♪ Did ♪
- ♪ 9/11 ♪
One more time. One more time.
all: ♪ Bush did 9/11 ♪
- Okay, I'm ready.
I'm ready.
["Overprotected" playing]
♪ Say hello to the girl that I am ♪
♪ You're gonna have to see through my perspective ♪
♪ I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am ♪
♪ And I don't wanna be so damn protected ♪
♪ There must be another way ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe in taking chances ♪
♪ Who am I to say what a girl is to do? ♪
♪ God, I need some answers ♪
♪ What am I to do with my life? ♪
♪ You will find it out, don't worry ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know what's right? ♪
♪ You just gotta do it your way ♪
♪ I can't help the way I feel ♪
♪ But my life is has been so overprotected ♪
♪ I'll tell 'em what I like, what I want and what I don't ♪
♪ Oh, but every time I do, I stand corrected ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Things that I've been told ♪
♪ I can't believe what I hear about the world ♪
♪ I realize I'm overprotected ♪
♪ There must be another way ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe in taking chances ♪
♪ But who am I to say what a girl is to do? ♪
♪ God, I need some answers ♪
♪ What am I to do with my life? ♪
♪ You will find it out, don't worry ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know what's right? ♪
♪ You just gotta do it your way ♪
♪ I can't help the way I feel ♪
♪ But my life has been so overprotected ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I need time ♪
♪ Space ♪
♪ I need love ♪
♪ Need ♪
♪ I don't need nobody telling me just what I wanna ♪
♪ What I, what, what, what I'm gonna ♪
♪ Gonna do about my destiny ♪
♪ I say no, no, nobody telling me just what I wanna do, do ♪
♪ I'm so fed up with people telling me ♪
♪ To be someone else but me ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know what's right? ♪
♪ You just gotta do it your way ♪
♪ Oh, I can't ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ Overprotected ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Can you talk a little about how you all
started playing together?
- We used to do this show in fucking basements, man,
for anyone who would fucking listen.
People used to storm out.
They had seen comedy, sure.
They had seen music, yeah.
At the same time, interwoven?
No.
- Does anyone want me to roll them a joint?
- For sure. - Yeah.
- I'm good.
- Puff, puff, pass, man, right?
- That's just tobacco.
- Oh.
Bowling is hell.
I'll go there. I'll go there. I'm not afraid.
It's so vulnerable.
You know, like, the ball is literally too heavy
to pretend to be too cool.
You can't be like, pfft, you know?
It would hurt your wrist, you know?
You have to use your whole body.
It's very gay.
You have to go--
[grunts effeminately] You know?
And by the way, when you're coming up to do it,
suddenly everyone you came with is now behind you...
[imitates snickering]
Staring at your thick Mark Zuckerberg ass.
The staff's having a ball. They're like--
[imitates laughing]
Okay, so after all that, say you do well.
It's even worse,
because I feel like there's really no--
there's no way to, like, sincerely celebrate
your victories as a bowler unless you're a professional,
unless you're in a league,
you know, where you can fully do it, and, yeah, you know?
Wah! You know?
But we all bowl at children's birthday parties.
That's not part of the social contract.
You know, you look crazy if you--wow--
if you do what you really wanted to do.
And so you have to immediately press it down.
You have to immediately suppress it.
And this is what you have to do, and I know you know.
Okay, so I'll do it for you.
You do well,
and then you turn around, and you're like...
You have to do a little dance.
It sucks.
And you literally have to pretend to forget
what you just accomplished.
And you're literally-- you're trying not to smile.
You're like, should I get us more beer?
You guys want more beer?
The corners of your mouth are quivering
from trying not to smile, and you're 35.
And you're like, who's next?
Who's next? Who's next?
It's hell.
There's this thing that happens on the iPhone now
when you download an app.
It is a pop-up, and it asks a question.
It's not really a question.
They put a little question mark on it,
but if you look at the--
on a sentence level, it is a command.
Okay?
And it says--it's like...
allow app to track activity
across other apps and websites.
It's so confusing. It's so confusing.
There are two options.
One of the options is "allow."
Allow.
It's one word. It's a beautiful word.
You know, there are no plosives, no...
[beat boxes] You know what I mean?
Like... [imitates crackling]
Like, it's just allow, allow.
Allow.
It's so pillowy.
Allow.
It's like a Clearasil comm-- It's...
Allow, you know?
Neutrogena maybe. I don't know.
Okay, that's one option.
The other option--
the other option is...
"ask app not to track."
Ow. Ow. You know?
A-ask...
ask app not to track.
Ask--
Wait.
It's so, unh, unh, unh.
Ask app not to track.
Ah, ah. It's like, ask app not to track.
[chokes] It's--
You know Apple poured billions of dollars into researching,
like, what is the single most suicidal sequence
of monosyllabic sounds?
[grunting oddly]
Ya!
Ask app not to track.
Ya!
[grunts]
[grunting oddly]
It sucks.
It's like-- it's like the birds.
You're like, ask app not to track.
Because this is the thing.
It's the first option of the two, and that's by design.
So you're reading the question.
You're like, it's so confusing.
Allow app to track-- to track activity.
And you see it, like, poking up
because it's just under the question.
It's poking up through. You're like, no, no!
And you're trying to make your way.
It's like, ask app not to track.
And you see allow, and you're like...
[sobs]
[sobbing] Allow. Allow.
[sobbing]
[sighs]
And by the way, I do think that Apple's primary tactic
is just to scare you.
I think it's to terrify you.
But I also think they're doing something
more kind of subliminal and social.
Like, imagine someone ever saying that to you,
you know, like, just at a party, across the room.
Ask app not to track.
Like, ask app not to track.
Like, you can't wrap your mouth around it.
It's so, like, you know--
I'm trying to put it in other voices,
like, ask app not to track.
Like, it--
Ask app not to track.
Like, you can't even say it.
Like, if someone said that to me, I'd be like...
fucking dork.
We're gonna be over here, allowing.
Aren't we, girls?
By the way, they could have just said no.
Don't allow. No.
[mellow music playing]
♪ ♪
- Wait. So Paul was left-handed?
- He's actually right-handed.
He just played a left-handed bass.
- Wow. That's so amazing. - Yeah.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah, that's one of my favorites.
- Me too.
- Did you guys see the documentary?
- I haven't seen it yet.
- Can I try? - Yeah, sure.
- Cool.
Can you hold this?
So how do you do, like, a D chord or whatever?
- See the fifth fret here? Just...
- You know what?
Can you just come around from behind and show me?
You know, like in golf, when someone's
trying to teach someone to swing
and they're, like, fully wrapped
around the other person.
- Sure. - Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
So just put your hand here.
- Here? - Mm-hmm. Yep.
And then just here.
Yeah, it looks good.
- I feel like I'm not doing it right.
Okay, wait. So it's...
paradiddle. [drumming]
Paradi--
Oh, I can't do it.
- It's right, left, right, right.
Left, right, left, left. - Will you just show me?
But use my hands like they're your hands, like in golf.
- Yeah, sure. - Okay.
[drumming]
[giggles]
We did it. [laughs]
And so jazz is more kind of--
[cymbal playing]
- Yeah.
- I thought that was jazz.
Don't be shy.
- There.
And then-- [chord plays]
- [giggles] So cool.
[soft indistinct chatter]
- [clears throat]
[soft piano music playing]
♪ ♪
Do you guys ever feel like we didn't learn
anything real in school?
♪ ♪
I feel that way sometimes.
[giggles]
But really, I do.
I really do feel that way sometimes.
I hate to, like, average us out to the same generation,
but I'm going to
for the purposes of this next bit.
But I don't know.
I feel like sometimes we missed the cutoff
for a quality education, you know?
I can't count.
I mean, I can count. I can count.
But, like, when I get to, like, 12...
13, 14...
I mean, a panic really starts to set in.
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you know?
Like, I don't know anything about history.
I know nothing about history.
Like, I do not know what happened, y'all.
I don't know what happened.
I never read any great literature,
you know, like-- even the practical stuff.
Like, we didn't have home ec, you know?
Like, here's what it boils down to for me.
Like, I don't know how to do my taxes.
But I do know how to, like...
be a badass.
♪ ♪
You know what I'm saying?
I feel like they just churned out a bunch
of, like, total badasses.
♪ ♪
But the shells of badasses, the shells of badasses
with no, like, discernible worldview, you know,
or skills, you know.
Like, no one wants to be a locksmith anymore.
You know?
Everyone just wants to make cake pops...
or make videos of themselves making cake pops, you know?
I feel like the only thing we were really taught
as a generation is just to vamp.
Just hold the floor.
Just keep holding that floor.
Keep talking. Keep talking. Keep talking.
You know, in the boardroom, in the classroom,
on your fucking podcast,
just keep stringing those words together.
It does not matter if you don't know what they mean.
Keep talking. Just keep talking, you know?
We're just a bunch of used-car sales folks...
A bunch of disruptors and creatives just...
bumping up into each other...
a bunch of doers and makers roaming the streets at night.
Mm.
Okay, yeah. No, I'll give you that.
We're makers. We're good at making.
Making shit up.
I feel like now when people are like, "Oh, my God,
it's such a small world,"
it's like, is it?
Or did we both just go to private school
and now work for Vulture?
I feel like modern online life
is just kind of toggling between two emotional states.
One is being so full of rage and pointing the finger,
you know, scolding someone.
And the other is being so full of rage
and pretending your friend is hot.
And I want to talk about the second one...
'Cause there's plenty of literature on the first.
We all know the post. We all know the post.
It's like-- it's always something like,
"Growing up gay, I was taught not to take up space."
♪ ♪
As a gay man, I was told not to celebrate myself.
So this won't come naturally to me!
Bear with me, gang.
But here is a picture of me with cum gutters.
♪ ♪
Whoo!
And, you know, it's so outwardly meek,
that post, you know, like...
But the subtext of that post--
the subtext is this...
And we're all so miserable,
but we just line up anyway, you know?
We're like--we're like...
Fire emoji. Fire emoji. Fire emoji.
♪ ♪
Yas, mama!
I wish you all could see me
at home with my dead-ass eyes, like, "Yas, mama."
Go all the way off.
You better work.
We have to break free.
[scoffs] We have to break free
from this, like, fire-emoji death pact.
I feel like the only...
only kind of form of community I have these days
is my Grindr Grid.
And I don't mean the people on the Grid.
I mean the Grid itself.
You know, it's getting to the point
where I'm, like, tucking in at night,
like, turning on the app,
absolutely no intention of going out
and hooking up or whatever, you know?
And I'm literally--I'm like, good night, you guys.
[smooching]
Good night, John. Good night, John.
♪ ♪
'Cause, you know, I've lived in the same neighborhood
for, like, seven years or something.
Like, it's the same 30 gay guys,
like, in a mile radius,
all of us in our little boxes
like some depraved Brady Bunch.
Like...
♪ ♪
I've never asked a neighbor for sugar.
I've never so much as even waved at a neighbor.
But I do know that he's uncut.
♪ ♪
I feel like there's no small talk anymore.
You know, like...
no one talks about the weather anymore.
Like, I feel like now, when you step on to an elevator
with a complete stranger, moment one, they're like,
"My dad was largely absent."
"And I think that's why I freeze up sexually."
And you're like...
okay.
Okay.
♪ ♪
What the fuck happened to dance?
We used to have Bob Fosse.
You know, his choreography--
it was so kinky and mysterious.
And he was a household name. He was on talk shows.
A choreographer in America was on talk shows.
That can't happen anymore.
What's happening? [scoffs]
I feel like the only remaining form of dance--
it's the pitch choreography on "Shark Tank."
It's, "Sharks, I have three words that you want"--
da, da, da--
And this guy to my right-- da, da, da, da.
[vocalizes]
Try one. Try one. Try one.
Try one. Try one. Try one. Try one.
♪ ♪
I was in a coffee shop recently, and...
I saw what I hesitate to describe as a piece of art.
It was an illustration of Rick Moranis.
And he was holding a piece of pepperoni pizza.
And that was framed.
And I thought...
is that all there is?
You know?
Like, when we're loading up the time capsule
for future inhabitants of Planet E,
is this what the millennial shall put forth?
You know?
Or will it be--will it be an illustration of a taco?
'Cause I'm sure still seeing a lot of that.
Still.
Or will it be a little dancing cheeseburger?
♪ ♪
Or will it be a video of one of the chefs
from the hallowed halls of "Bon Appétit"...
Making a lemony, garlicky, crispity-crunchity,
jammy cacio e...
e-e-e-e-e-e...
pepe-e-e-e-e-e-e...
cacio e pepe?
♪ ♪
Or will it be an infographic...
you know, with a kind of
cloudy-rainbow gradient background
that talks about why your allyship
is actually performative?
Calling all allies!
Performative, performative, performative, performative.
Where are my allies at? That was performative.
What are we doing?
[sighs]
Or will it be one of our many contributions
as a generation to the world of advertising?
I don't know if you guys remember
this Postmates campaign.
It was, like, three, maybe four years ago.
It had a very kind of millennial tone,
millennial affect, like, kind of, like...
[blows raspberry] No.
[giggles] Oh!
[blows raspberry] You know?
There was one that was like,
"Don't let breakfast bully you into putting your pants on."
"We get it. Postmates."
♪ ♪
And in the same campaign, there was one that was like,
"When you want omakase but your bra's off."
♪ ♪
"We get it. Postmates."
And then there is one, and I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding. It was in the same campaign.
I was driving down highways. It was on giant billboards.
Like, it was--
by the way, mass shootings everywhere--
on skyscrapers, giant skyscrapers,
painted on huge buildings.
It literally said, "Hate people?"
"We get it. Postmates."
♪ ♪
Are we like that?
I mean, are we really just a bunch of, like, hot mess--
Like, I'm such a mess. [blows raspberry]
I'm such a--
I ordered cupcakes again!
I took a nap by accident!
Oops! Oops!
I'm all tangled up in the cord.
See?
[blows raspberry]
Are we really a bunch of hot messes,
or do they just need us to be that way?
♪ ♪
Our contributions to language--
as a generation, we should be tried at the Hague.
The hyperbole alone, I mean--
By the way, I just said it.
"We should be tried at the Hague."
I'm talking about myself here, too, y'all.
But I really do feel like we lean a lot on hyperbole
as a generation.
Like, you know, something like, you know--
Did you see "Tár"? My jaw was on the floor.
I had to hire a TaskRabbit to come pick it up.
♪ ♪
I really feel like we lean on hyperbole
to compensate for the utter emptiness
of being alive right now.
It's not our fault. It's not our fault.
But other slang, like, you know--
like, "all the feelings,"
all the things, all the things, all the feels.
Um, I'll have all the things. [chuckles oddly]
I want grant money.
I want grant money
to trace the origins of all the things.
And I don't think you guys are going to be happy
with what I find out.
"Human"-- such an amazing human.
One of my favorite humans.
Fuck off.
Garbage person, dumpster fire, dick biscuit.
I mean, I can barely say it. I can barely say it.
I didn't know I needed-- I didn't--
Like, this is the collaboration
I didn't know I needed.
I hate the word moist. Ah.
Moist. Yeah, I can barely say it.
Moist. I hate the word moist.
An entire generation of people
pretending to hate the word moist.
♪ ♪
We have to get serious, you guys!
We have to get serious before it's too late
and our gravestones are like...
"Because cancer."
♪ ♪
♪ Well, I dreamed I saw the knights in armor coming ♪
♪ Saying something about a queen ♪
♪ There were peasants singing and drummers drumming ♪
♪ And the archer split the tree ♪
♪ There was a fanfare blowing to the sun ♪
♪ That was floating on the breeze ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Look at Mother Nature on the run ♪
♪ In the 21st century ♪
♪ Look at Mother Nature on the run ♪
♪ In the 21st century ♪
♪ I was lying in a burnt-out basement ♪
♪ With the full moon in my eye ♪
♪ I was hoping for replacement ♪
♪ When the sun burst through the sky ♪
♪ There was a band playing in my head ♪
♪ And I felt like getting high ♪
♪ I was thinking about what a friend had said ♪
♪ I was hoping it was a lie ♪
♪ Thinking about what a friend had said ♪
♪ I was hoping it was a lie ♪
♪ Well, I dreamed I saw the silver spaceship ♪
♪ Lying in the yellow haze of the sun ♪
♪ There were children crying and colors flying ♪
♪ All around the chosen ones ♪
♪ All in a dream, all in a dream ♪
♪ The loading had begun ♪
♪ Flying Mother Nature's silver seed ♪
♪ To a new home in the sun ♪
♪ Flying Mother Nature's silver seed ♪
♪ To a new home ♪
♪ ♪
[light jazz music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
[singers vocalizing]
- I'm sorry. Can I hear more of Dom and Princess
in my monitors?
[singers vocalizing]
♪ ♪
And just a little more of Hess, too, the keys.
Thank you.
- One more time. - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
[singers vocalizing]
Hi. Who is that?
- They're from HBO. - Max.
Leah, Max, Max, Max, HBO Max.
- They're from HBO Max HR.
- They want to talk to me? - Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi, John.
- Hi. Hi.
- We have received multiple complaints today
about unacceptable conduct.
So we're going to need to talk to you
and other members of the cast and crew, okay?
Hopefully this won't take up too much of your time.
My assistant, Ann, could head up
the predator team, and...
- "Predator team"? - The predator team, yes.
The highest priority really, as you know, here at HBO is...
[continues indistinctly]
[soft music plays]
- I think we should--I think we should end the show.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you guys so much for coming.
["I Feel Love" playing]
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ It's so good, it's so good, it's so good ♪
♪ It's so good, it's so good ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows ♪
♪ Heaven knows, heaven knows ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I feel love, I feel love, I feel love ♪
♪ I feel love, I feel love ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I feel love ♪
Okay, Dominique...
can you do what I just did to that melody line?
Is that cool?
And then, I'll kind of hop on top for that harmony.
Okay, cool. Let's do that. Let's do that.
Here we go.
both: ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Fallin' free, fallin' free, fallin' free ♪
♪ Fallin' free, fallin' free ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ You and me, you and me, you and me ♪
♪ You and me, you and me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I feel love, I feel love, I feel love ♪
♪ I feel love, I feel love ♪
- Oh, Dominique!
both: ♪ I feel love ♪
- Okay.
Let's add Princess. Let's add Princess.
Okay, so, Princess, it'll go Dom again, right?
Then, Princess, you'll kind of do what I just did.
And then I'll come up on the highest part.
Let's go!
all: ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I got you, I got you, I got you ♪
♪ I got you, I got you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ What you do, what you do, what you do ♪
♪ What you do, what you do ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I feel love, I feel love, I feel love ♪
♪ I feel love, I feel love ♪
♪ I feel love ♪
Make some noise
for Michael Hesslein on the keys...
[cheers and applause]
Drew Hart on that nasty bass...
[cheers and applause]
Will Lawrence on the drums...
[cheers and applause]
- Princess Fortier on the soprano line...
[cheers and applause]
Dominique Toney
on the alto line...
[cheers and applause]
Yazan Fahmawi on guitar...
[cheers and applause]
My parents!
[cheers and applause]
Release.
Give it up for Roulette.
Tip your bartenders.
Thank you so much. I'm John Early.
This has been heaven on Earth. I love you!
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
[bright tone]