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[man laughs]
Well, ladies and gentlemen.
You have come to the right place
if you're looking for laughter to break your face.
Because we got people on this show tonight
that are gonna be earthquakian when it comes to laughter
and they're with us tonight.
Put it together, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause]
Trip's over, hoss. That's three large.
It'll be good to get out of this shithole.
Good evening, ladies.
Still funny now, funny man?
I don't know. Still an asshole, asshole man?
I don't know. Let me check.
There.
Oh, hold on.
[man] Step aside, juanito.
This ain't got shit to do with you.
Sir, listen, we don't want any trouble.
We're very sorry.
[gun cocks]
You got no idea where you are, homeboy?
[speaking foreign language]
The High Desert.
Ain't no law here.
Ain't nobody coming for you boys.
You don't want to do this.
Step aside, Twilight.
This is between me and that pendejo.
Put the gun down, Paco.
Shut the fuck up!
Ignore him. Listen to me.
I'm gonna count to three.
Three, two...
Please don't do this.
[gunshot]
[grunts]
That was a warning.
[Ethan] You missed.
[gunshots]
[gasps]
[suspenseful music playing]
[snarls]
[singer] ♪ Ooh, oh, Do me, baby♪
♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪
[singer] ♪ All right, Stop whatcha doin'♪
♪ 'Cause I'm about to ruin The image and the style♪
♪ That ya used to♪
♪ I look funny♪
♪ But yo, I'm makin' money, see♪
♪ So, yo, world, I hope you're ready for me♪
♪ Now, gather 'round♪
♪ I'm the new fool in town♪
♪ And my sound's laid Down by the Underground♪
♪ I'll drink up All the Hennessey♪
♪ Ya got on ya shelf♪
♪ So just let me Introduce myself♪
♪ My name is Humpty, Pronounced with a Umpty...♪
[woman] You got this, Pete.
Waddup, girl?
[singer] ♪ Oh, how I like To funk thee♪
♪ And all the rappers In the top ten♪
♪ Please allow me To bump thee♪
♪ I'm steppin' tall, Like, y'all♪
All right. Yo, Pete. Kill it tonight, man.
You know it, man.
[man] You're getting me on the list, Pete?
Hey. No.
[singer] ♪ I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy♪
♪ I'm sick wit dis, Straight gangsta mack♪
[cheers and applause]
[man] Hey, Pete.
-[cheers and applause] -[laughter]
So, she says, "Look, I understand
that you're unemployed, but can I ask?
How much are you typically spending
on a bottle of wine lately?"
I said, "Honey, no more than ten, fifteen minutes."
-[cheers and applause] -[laughter]
Folks, are you ready to spend some more time
with the next comedian?
Yeah?
Now, help me welcome July Alouise. Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Keep it going for Roy Shackleford!
[cheers and applause]
Yup, it's my birthday.
Thank you. Thank you.
When I was a little girl on my birthday,
I hated to be spanked.
Boy, have I changed.
[laughter]
Now, I have a birthday every week.
Yo, yo. Oh, look at him.
My man. Handsome.
-Look at you, son. -Look at you.
Hey, I got to ask you a question, brother.
Why in the world would you use the C-word at 6:00 a.m.?
Because it's funny all day. Hmm.
For sure, but that clerk was offended.
Who isn't these days, bro?
At least it went viral.
[Sandy] So, you're this week's comedian?
Can you tell me a joke?
Can I just have my room key, Sandy?
[Sandy] Not until you tell me a joke.
-You want a joke? -Yes.
What's the difference between a vagina
and a [bleep]?
You would think she would have
a better sense of humor, you know?
You know what?
Fuck the internet, okay?
And by the way, I'm offended
that you're putting on seven open mikers
in front of me tonight.
Do that on a bringer night.
Bro, they're just my fucking students.
Yeah, I get it.
They pay you, you give them stage time.
You Weinstein them.
I get it. Do it on another night.
No one ever gave the great Pete Brennan a shot?
Hey, hey, wasn't your first time onstage
headlining at The Improv?
That's right.
And I never sucked one dick or licked one ball bag.
-Oh, you didn't? -No.
[applause]
I asked my girlfriend to say something nice about me
and she said, "Well, you know your, uh,
your penis is bigger than all your friends'."
[laughter]
And you can always tell the woman in casinos
that are hookers because they're the ones
-that talk to you. -[laughter]
They say good things come in pairs,
which is a great way to get kicked out of the fruit market.
[laughter]
Danny, PJ's running a little bit late.
I was gonna stick Ethan on next.
Coolio.
Ooh, we got one of your pupils?
-Former alumni. Class of '97. -Makes sense.
That was the last time you wrote a new joke.
That you're still using, biatch.
It's a good bit.
[Pete] Yeah, that's right.
Hey. So, they let you out after storming the Capitol?
[Pete] You know what?
I had a note, okay?
-I never sat on Pelosi's desk. -Okay. Yeah.
Hey, uh, when can we see you in the new episode
of Doomsday Preppers?
I did a self-tape, still waiting.
Bummer.
Hey, do yourself a favor.
Take a look at the kid that I'm sticking onstage next.
Why would I ever do that?
[Roy] You've seen people bomb.
This kid next levels it.
Epic, right?
Yeah, Hiroshima.
This kid eats more dick than K-pop's mother, right?
-Yeah. -And plus, he's got this weird,
like, quirky thing.
It, like, totally draws you in. Trust me. Am I right?
-[Danny] True. -Okay. Let me guess.
He's never had one paid gig
and his social media all starts with,
"The official blah, blah."
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This dude is rich.
He does it for the love of the game.
-How papered up? -[Danny] Paper.
-Really? -Yeah.
Dude, fat money. It's--dude, it's crazy.
Like, uh, Waterboy said, man, he got something.
You should go check him out.
Yeah.
So, Fat Mike Pants,
you really should go gluten-free.
Look, how's this fucking crowd tonight, bro?
Okay. Put it this way.
The lady who threw the diamond off the front of the Titanic,
she's in the front row with her parents.
That's old.
-[laughter] -[Pete] Fuck!
Let's go. Let me see his fucking funeral out here.
Yeah, you got it.
-Oh, hey, Pete. -Yeah?
-Don't suck. -Damn it!
-[upbeat music playing] -[laughter]
You're slowing down, bro.
[upbeat music playing]
Oh, you're too kind, you're too kind.
Are you ready for some more comedy?
Let me tell you about this next kid coming to the stage.
He's ridden all the way from Hungary
and once opened for Sebastian Bach,
the pianist, not the heavy metal singer from Skid Row.
Please welcome, the very funny, Ethan Barr.
Come on, Ethan.
-[applause] -Yeah.
You'll be fine.
[clears throat]
Hello, everybody.
I am Ethan Barr...
and I am a vampire.
For the record, I'm neither Team Edward or Team Jacob.
I rooted for the sun.
On account of the daylight...
which is an urban legend anyways.
[man] Yeah, like your act.
[Ethan] Wow.
I haven't seen a crowd this tight
since the Venetians at The Siege of Corfu 1716.
[man] Like, you were there?
I was.
I believe we captured over 8,000 men that day.
Ha!
That was funny.
[Ethan] You'll have to excuse me...
-I told you he had something. -...I'm a bit tired.
That was definitely something!
[Roy] Hey, I told you [indistinct]
[Ethan] The [indistinct]
This is like a derailment, bro.
And, boy, are my arms tired.
How much time has he got left?
He's got like a minute.
[Ethan] And he pulls out a used tampon.
No, in his career.
[laughs] He's got like a minute.
Told you it was hilarious.
All right. Let me go abort this.
That is club's night in Texas.
[laughs] I'll light you at five.
All right.
-All right. Kill it, Champ. -[applause]
-Where are you going? -I think I just sharted.
[Roy] Folks, keep it going for Ethan Barr.
He's new. He's tired.
[man] [indistinct] right over here.
Wow, you're Pete Brennan.
It's a pleasure.
Hey, buddy. How are you?
I saw you in the back.
Okay.
I didn't realize it was you...
until I did.
Oh, yeah. I was the guy who laughed.
And again, thank you for that.
They say, "If you can reach just one person," right?
They do say that. Yeah.
Is that what they say?
I think so.
Bro, could you get closer or--
-I could. -I'd rather you not.
-Okay. -Jesus Christ, dude.
The real reason I came over here
was to see if...
-Yeah? -...you ever needed
an opener or even had any tips for me.
I'd be...
very thankful.
You're looking for a tip?
That would be incredible.
Here's a tip.
Uh, try not to talk to the headliner's ear off
before he's about to take the stage.
Hear me?
Yeah.
Okay?
Fucking Chatty Cathy.
It's Ethan.
The Insurrectionist of Comedy,
Mr. Pete Brennan.
[cheers and applause]
[man] Don't [indistinct] bro.
Don't talk to comic.
Oh, my God.
Good stuff.
It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Uh, sorry. You'll get them next time, buddy.
Give it up for, uh, your host,
Roy Shackleford, everybody.
That's right.
[applause]
Give it up for Count Dracula, everybody.
He was, uh...
He was so scary.
He scared the laughs away, right?
[laughter]
When he's here, it's a two-pint minimum.
Yeah.
Good thing he sleeps in a coffin
because he died up here.
I mean, he was-- whew, he was so bad,
he made me wanna drive a stake through my own heart, right?
Even just, you know, just a bit.
[laughter, applause]
Oh, man. Hey, at least he remembered you.
[Pete] ...this Dracula guy?
Oh, come on. Let's get you a drink, all right?
How about a Bloody Mary?
Maybe for you, hold the Mary.
[laughter]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Roy.
I'm sorry I missed my set.
Whatever, man. Ethan covered it.
Of all the people, him?
Well, yeah. You weren't here on time.
He was the worst student in our class.
His stupid Twilight joke isn't even accurate, all right?
Everybody knows Edward sparkles in the sun
and frickin' Jacob is a frickin' werewolf, dude.
Come on, man!
This guy needs his own identity, you know?
He's just a Baby Bat poser!
-Beverage? -Oh, God. Perfect timing.
-[Pete] Yeah. -You buying?
I'm out of drink tickets.
-What the-- -Baby Bat.
Hmm.
How original.
PJ, you, my friend, are a cosplayer...
a bad movie reboot.
You crave eternity, yet mistakenly believe
it can be achieved through nihilistic posts online.
And to top it off,
for the rest of your short...
mortal life...
you have to walk around looking like Cher
face-fucked Marilyn Manson.
[electric guitar strums]
I'm not that ugly, am I?
Ugly as a motherfucker, but use it.
Is he serious?
Thanks for telling the audience you knocked me up tonight.
Really racked in the cash, almost cracked minimum wage.
I do what I can to get you more tips.
Come on. Plus, it's funny.
No. It's hack.
Customers were like, "When are you due?
Have you picked out a gender yet?"
Okay.
First of all, gender doesn't exist as a concept,
so you're cancelled, and "hack"? Really?
-Come on. -Is that all
that matters to you?
Well, it's important. I mean--
Hey, Ethan. Great set tonight.
Uh, I do, however, have some, uh, tips on that Grindr bit,
so we'll talk about it on Sunday, won't we?
Thank you, Steph. I appreciate that.
Hello, Pete.
I just wanted to say great set--
What's going on on Sunday?
Well, that's actually what I wanted to speak to you about.
Sunday evening, I am having a small to-do at my place
and I would love it if you could make it.
And you are gonna have Stephanie at this to-do?
Yeah, she will be there
as well as Roy, Danny, a few others.
Nothing crazy.
I wanted to formally invite you and Steph said
I should do it myself.
I understand if you're busy,
there's no pressure, but I'd love to have you there.
Okay. Let me tell you something, okay, bro?
First of all, I don't even believe that accent.
You're probably from Cleveland, okay?
Second of all, comics are only busy
when they're getting busy, you know what I'm saying?
Okay.
So, maybe you can come by
and give me some tips or something.
Oh, my God, dude.
What am I, Reddit? You're always asking for tips.
I've known you for eight minutes.
Okay. Here's a tip.
Never try to hit on the comedy club waitress...
Ooh, but Steph...
...when the comedy club waitress happens to be
the headliner's girlfriend at his home club.
Ah.
Yeah. Okay.
[Ethan] So, I'll see you Sunday.
Oh, I can't wait. We can talk about skin rubs.
When were you gonna tell me about this Sunday?
Oh, I wanted him to tell you.
Thank you, Steph.
Nope, not doing that.
-Doing what? -This whole jealousy thing.
-I'm not jealous. -Yes, you are.
-I'm not. -Uh-hmm.
No need two decades, Pete.
It wasn't cute then and it ain't cute now.
Besides, I thought we could actually go out for once.
I'm out every night.
Yeah, to comedy clubs.
-Yeah. -But, honey,
when was the last time that we actually went out?
You know I have other wardrobe besides
jaded cocktail waitress dress for a funeral, right?
. First of all, I think you look fantastic.
And second of all, you can't say the word cocktail
-without saying the word-- -Cock.
-Yeah. -Yeah. Got it.
Two k-sounds in a single syllable word.
How prolific.
Can you just turn it off for two seconds
and be real with me?
-[sighs] Okay. But look-- -[mumbles]
-I'm going to Ethan's. -Uh-hmm.
I'd want for you to join.
But if you don't, guess what? I'm still going.
[sighs] Fine.
I'll go for, like, an hour, all right, tops?
That's it. But I don't--
Maybe you'll actually have fun for once.
Oh, and, uh, maybe get some new material?
[clears throat intentionally]
I concur.
Lick my ass, guys.
Wax that thing.
Tongue punch my fart box.
[laughter]
Lick all around my ass
because even my taint is better
than the five minutes I saw you guys do tonight.
[phone ringing]
What's up, Chuck?
Ah! The timeless, old puke joke that never gets funny.
What are you even doing up it's 12:00 noon?
I'm--I'm actually writing new jokes,
not that you care.
Actually, I don't.
Now, listen up, my little meal ticket.
I have a commitment for you to open up
the brand new Russell Peters special
taping at the Sahara.
You know, international superstar Russell Peters.
All right.
I also added a few shitty gigs to your run,
so check your schedule.
What, another bowling alley or another taco stand?
Listen, Pete, as your friend...
you know, you wouldn't have to take all these shitty gigs
if we just stop paying for all those medical bills?
Come on, Chuck. No, don't go there, all right?
Look.
I'm just saying, there are some other ways,
some of them even legal for you to dig out of your hole.
There's nothing more American than filing bankruptcy.
Dude, I looked into it, okay? It's 2,500 bucks.
I don't even have enough money to claim I don't have any money.
[laughs] That's hilarious.
Please tell me you used that in the rotation.
It's not a joke.
Unfortunately, it's my life.
Well, your misery is hilarious.
Okay, look.
I'm only gonna do this Russell gig
because I wanna be seen by the network execs.
That's it.
I need you to schmooze the suits, Chuck.
Do your job, Chuck. No offense.
Huh. Tons taken.
By the way, duly noted.
Listen, do me a favor.
Pick an opener
or one's gonna be appointed for you.
Hold on. No, Chuck.
I'm not getting stuck in the road
with one of your social media influencers.
I don't need somebody who can't actually tell a joke.
What do you do with them, you pay for play?
All right.
Now, you can stop pretending like you're writing jokes,
and go back to watching porn.
Fire a little toddler juice
into a tissue of love, you weirdo.
I'm not--I'm not on porn.
[woman moaning]
[ominous music playing]
Wasn't there a helicopter in Scarface?
Remember the guy hanging?
This is kind of, like, a James Bond villain.
Holy.
My God, this is...
Okay. I think you should slow down.
Why?
You invite me out, the least I can do is get toasty.
You're toasty enough, trust me.
Get that--you promised.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna knock the door 'cause apparently,
chivalry is dead.
[Pete] I don't wanna chip my nails.
Like the fun cop is here.
-[door opens] -What the...
How can I help you guys?
Whoa! It's like Thanos in a sport coat.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
-Yeah. -I'm scared.
Uh, can Ethan come out to play?
[Ethan] It's okay.
-It's cool? -Uh-hmm.
Okay.
-Hey. -[Ethan] Thank you, Heegan.
Welcome to my home.
[Stephanie] Incredible.
Enthralled you both could make it.
This is for you.
Steph, thank you.
Pinot. Hmm.
Pete picked it out just like our outfits,
so if it sucks...
I thought it'd compliment the whole Renfield thing,
you know, and really go with your motif.
That is so thoughtful, Pete.
Though, Renfield was an assistant.
I was clearly a Baron.
But I appreciate the sentiment.
Please, do come in.
Do come in.
This dude really is committed to this.
[Ethan] Pete, would you mind closing the door, please?
[dramatic music playing]
[grunting]
[door creaking]
-Jackpot! -It's cool?
-I'd love to. -Yeah, yeah. It's my pleasure.
He might be single for the right girl.
And this is my game room.
[Stephanie] Should have worn my cleavage.
Oh, shit, I haven't seen that dude
since Counting Crows broke up.
Hey, Pete Brennan! How are you, man?
[Pete] Yeah. I'm doing good.
Well, I'm, uh, free next two months if...
You know, come to a guest set,
they love to see you, just pop in.
Eight minutes?
Uh, well, give it ten minutes.
-Okay [indistinct] -All right.
-Take care, Pete. -Harry, you look great.
You too, buddy. Love you, man.
Man, back at you, dude.
[Stephanie] That went well.
[Chuck] Hey, what's up, monkey-tits?
What's up, Chuck?
[chuckle] Swing and a miss!
What are you doing here?
Checking out the new talent.
When you're saying new talent,
I hope you mean females
and not the emo kid who lives here.
Hey, I know you may find this tough to believe,
but you are not the only open miker on my roster.
-Hey! -Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, cockbreath, all right? I'm working for you.
Didn't you get my message?
I got you the cover of Middle Act Magazine.
-Oh! -Ho, ho. Hey!
Now, shut your chicken skimmer
and let's do another shot.
Ain't got to tell me twice.
Who wants another shot?
-Yeah. Always. -Oh, yeah. No.
I would absolutely love to, except it looks like
I'm designated driver tonight again.
Why are you even with this man?
Two words.
Baby arm.
Any questions?
Come on, Steph. We all know that baby
is gonna be asleep by 9:00.
[laughter]
Good point. Chuck, line 'em up.
Now, that's a fuckin' team player, boys!
All right. Round them up.
-Here you go, kids. -[Chuck] Let's go!
All right, guys. What are gonna we toast to?
Oh, apparently, we're toasting
to Pete's cream-filled flesh twinkie.
I think that Ethan should do the toast.
I don't know.
[all] Come on.
Ethan. Ethan.
[all] Ethan! Ethan! Ethan! Ethan!
Okay. Okay.
Come on, burgundy boy.
To a long life and a happy one.
To a quick death that escapes none.
Drink to good spirits, worthy amongst friends.
Drink that you may live,
and may you live till the end.
And for those who cannot,
it has often been said...
may we meet in heaven
before the devil knows we're dead.
I--I don't get it.
That's 'cause you take your IQ with a fuckin' tire gauge.
[man] Oh. Somebody said it. Holy shit!
-Cheers, guys! -[all] Cheers!
[indistinct chatter]
[Pete] Whoa.
She's mesmerizing!
She was mesmerizing.
Where did you come from, dude?
Damn. Yeah.
You bang her?
She was my mother.
You bang her?
Bangable.
What filter did they use to make her look old-timey?
That's pretty cool.
It's an original Poussin, actually.
Painted in 1621.
The summer before she died.
-Poussin? -Poussin.
[scoffs]
I bet she got a lot of Poussin.
No. This is my only one.
No, bruh.
This is a Poussin palace.
No, it's my palace. He simply painted one picture.
He was a family friend.
1621, a lot of people died in 1621.
Beheading.
Seriously?
It happens.
Aha. Aha.
"Let them eat cake!"
Something like that.
Yeah. "Off with their heads!
Give me liberty or give me cake.
Cake for them to eat
without their heads,
so they have no mouth to eat it!"
Even funnier the second time.
No fucking way!
Uh-hmm.
You sleep in this thing?
Well, before blackout curtains, sure.
It's mostly just for show now.
A few extracurricular activities.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Of course. Hmm.
You were amazing.
-You were incredible. -No. My pleasure.
I'm gonna take it those aren't your aunts?
-Oh. -What?
-Are you okay? -Yeah, man, I'm good.
-Okay. -Unless you put something
in this. You put something?
No, no.
You want to make this a Cosbypolitan?
-No. Thank you. -Thank you.
I had heard you might need an opener for this week.
From who?
-Chuck. -Chuck?
-Fuck Chuck! -He may have mentioned it.
And let me say, if you take me,
I will drive and I will pay for every expense.
-What? -I'll pay for everything.
-Booze? -Yes.
-Gas? -Yes.
Viagra?
If you need it.
Anal beads?
I don't know where to get those,
but I'll give you cash.
All right.
How about this, on top of all the expenses,
you can also keep all the money I will get paid for opening
as well as an additional 3,000
on top for the opportunity?
What do you say?
Why?
Money is fleeting, Pete.
Comedy isn't.
And I want to learn from the best, you.
Well, I'd be an asshole if I said no.
Yes.
Oh, thank you,
I am but your humble servant.
Ha! Servant.
Servant! You said it, Renfield.
I was right, that bottle of wine is on point.
Touche.
So, we're good?
Yeah, we're good.
-Wonderful. -Let me tell you something.
I'm not sucking your dick,
and more importantly...
you're not sucking my dick.
Look, just--I don't-- just no dicks, okay?
No dicks, okay?
No touching tips.
No, "Hey, show me yours, I'll show you mine."
It ain't fucking summer camp, okay?
Understood.
To our dickless adventure.
All right.
Dude, you win.
There's no way I would ever agree to take him with me.
Guy has a freaking coffin.
I'm almost sure that is mostly for show.
How do you know that?
Hmm, because he told me with his words, Pete.
You got to cut out this jealousy bullshit.
I'm not jealous.
But you're still my girlfriend, right,
or did I miss that memo?
-Girlfriend. Right. -[Pete] Yeah, girlfriend.
Hmm, more like pit stop when you drift into town
-every six weeks. -Oh, Jesus Christ.
-Come on. -[Stephanie] No. You come on.
Honey, you're always on the road,
which I understand, but you barely even text me
in between spells of inebriation
and hangover,
which is a very small window, by the way.
Okay. First of all, like my thumbs get tired, okay?
Second of all, I lose battery power.
And third of all, that's just not true.
It's abso-fucking-lutely true.
Oh, and irrelevant.
Ethan is my friend. Period.
He's a good guy and I want you to get to know him.
He's your friend?
Why?
He's like 12.
Ew!
Epstein much?
[Stephanie] Okay. Well, that 12-year-old
is wise beyond his years
and you could learn a thing or two.
Like what, how to hang upside down?
Stop being a titty-baby and look in the mirror.
-No. Yes.
-I don't wanna. -[Stephanie] Look in the mirror.
-[Pete] You can't make me. -Look in the mirror, Pete.
All right. I'll look. I'll look.
Jesus Christ.
Ethan is you when you first started,
when you were hungry and thirsty,
and willing to sacrifice anything for a laugh.
Do you even remember that, Pete?
Yeah.
Because that "anything" became me.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened all these years,
you know, just chasing a laugh.
But I never ever lost--
Lost sight of me. Yeah.
How'd you know I was gonna say that?
[Stephanie] Because I know you better
than you know yourself.
But, of course, you seem to have forgotten that.
No. I just--look.
But just...
you haven't been the same since Charlie.
But I promised you, I would always be there
for you and here I am.
But it's pretty clear that...
the old Pete isn't coming back.
But that's okay.
Maybe this is a chance at a new beginning.
You need this, Pete.
We both do.
Or maybe you just need someone to keep tabs on me?
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me right now?
-[Pete] What? -You don't think I'm aware
of the D-grade slags that cling onto you
in between truck stop towns and dingy-ass dive bars.
Hold on. D?
D, like double D.
Okay. What? I can't help who talks to me.
-What do you want from me? -I don't know.
But maybe I'll find the answer in your phone.
Maybe if I peruse through your text,
I'm gonna find a bunch of late-night conspicuous
belfies from your harlot fan club.
What's a belfie?
It's a butt selfie. Come on.
Get on it, grandpa.
I don't know. I'm--
That's besides the point, okay?
My loyalty only goes so far.
You know what? Fine. Whatever.
I'll take him, okay?
I don't have time for this.
Good.
You know what? It's right there.
-Knock yourself out. -I will.
-I have to pack. -Okay.
-Have fun. -I will.
-Go for it. -Great.
-Yeah. -Fun times.
-Enjoy yourself. -Uh-hmm.
-Good convo. -Yeah. Thanks.
[cell phone vibrates]
You got so lucky.
Hello?
Oh, hey, Roy.
Sounding extra manly today, dude.
What's up?
No. I don't wanna play a strip club.
That's disgusting.
Do you have any more man gigs?
Do you have any bachelor-er parties, but all dudes?
[Stephanie] We get it.
What? Perhaps an old folk's home?
-[Stephanie] Die! -That'd be fantastic.
[singer] ♪ Here we go At the top♪
♪ Of the class honor roll♪
♪ And it's time to run it up♪
♪ Yeah, you know♪
♪ Maxed out, put the pedal To the floor, ey♪
♪ On a roll, here we go, Here we go♪
♪ Yeah, we winning By a landslide♪
♪ Never see me coming, I'm a landmine, yeah♪
♪ I ain't taking orders In command, like, yeah♪
-[Pete] You fart? -[Ethan] Vampires don't fart.
[Pete] Then you're a werewolf because I smell a fart.
Welcome to East Bumfuck, Nevada, kid.
ZIP code EIEIO.
Where incest is a gym credit.
-That's funny. -I know.
-Are you going to use that? -No.
[Ethan] There are holes in the walls.
[Pete] Bullet or glory?
[Ethan] I'm afraid to ask.
I often sympathize with, uh, female reproductive system
as I myself am late for everything.
I mean, I once joined a Doomsday Cult.
By the time I got there, everybody was dead.
And worse, out of Kool-Aid.
They should've saved some Kool-Aid for that one, huh?
[laughter]
What's that?
-Nothing. -No. You said something, cowboy.
I said they should've saved some Kool-Aid for you
'cause you are out of jokes...
-[crowd] Ooh. -...cowgirl.
This coming from the mayor of Nevada Incest
Bumfuck EIEEO Cornhole?
-Next! -[man] Whoa.
I knew I'd catch something in here.
[Pete] Guys, I gotta tell you.
This is like the Radio City Music Hall
of strip club gigs. I gotta tell you.
Uh, we have open mike night here, uh, Wednesday.
Ladies, is it open leg night?
You know, some of these jokes work better with teeth.
You guys remember teeth?
[laughs]
Let's give one more round of applause for the, uh,
train wreck that is Ethan Barr.
No. His job as opener is to make me look better.
And he knocked it out of the park.
He--right. He was--
he killed that shit.
Next week, you guys can see me at a truck stop in Laughlin.
I'll be playing a parking structure in Reno.
I'm Pete Brennan. Goodnight!
[crowd cheering]
[man] Whoo!
[singer] ♪ [indistinct]♪
♪ Show that money click♪
♪ Since she got it, Make that money click♪
♪ [indistinct]♪
♪ All I got is money On my mind♪
♪ Dedicate this [indistinct]♪
Sorry about heckling y'all earlier.
Thought maybe it should help.
Guess what, it never helps.
Well, let me buy you a drink.
Guess what, that always helps.
All right
[speaking foreign language] Please. Everybody.
What did he say?
Uh, I'm gonna be right back.
Never say, "I'll be right back."
I'm just going to splash some water on my face.
Uh, ladies' room is that way.
We don't have one of those non-gender ones,
you'll just have to make do.
Your young fella there seems a bit touched.
Where did you find him?
He was a keynote speaker at a flat-earth convention.
-[laughs] -Oh!
You had us going there.
Ah? Ah?
Ain't that right?
[laughs]
Yeah, I'm gonna go check on the young buck.
You said the ladies' room was that way?
That, see, he's the funny one for sure.
-I try. I try. -Don't get lost.
Is that on your tab, Billy Ray?
[Billy Ray] Hell no. Separate bills.
But they pay for both.
What the fuck are you doing?
[Ethan] It's just blood, Pete.
Can you quit the fucking vampire routine.
It's not a routine. It's a necessity.
Don't worry. I don't need any of yours.
Okay. I may be a little bit buzzed, okay?
But I'm not a dickhead. Look, look, look.
If you're a vampire, how come you have a reflection?
Because that's a myth.
Like garlic or a stake through the heart,
that would kill anybody.
Well, how have I been outside with you
in the sun like three times?
I just can't be in direct sunlight for very long.
Pete, I have a very rare condition called Porphyria.
It affects my hemoglobin if I don't inject.
-Okay. I'm done. Stop. Stop. -Pete, listen to me.
No. You listen to me, okay?
I know I'm not one to give life advice, all right?
I drink too much. I eat like shit.
I haven't worn a condom since 1992.
But heroin--
I told you, it's blood.
I know people that I loved
who died on that shit, man.
Brilliant comedians. And it crushed me.
You think I wanna deal and watch your open mike ass croak?
And you think for goddamn sure
I don't wanna call your parents that you OD'd on my watch?
You won't have to report to anyone.
I never knew my father.
And as you've been told, my mother was behead in 1621.
Oh, my God. Your generation is so weird.
Look, I give you credit, okay?
You didn't demand a separate bathroom 'cause you "identify"
as a vampire, but come--
give me a fuckin' break, bro.
What the fuck?
Don't worry.
I would never bite you, Pete.
I got to quit drinking.
That's not a bad idea.
Whoa.
I'm not interrupting some kind
of Brokeback Mountainmoment, am I?
[laughing]
You mind while I unwind?
It's that big.
I got to lay off pills.
I might eat him.
[Billy Ray] What?
Morning, morning, morning.
Hello, hello, hello. I'm Carrie.
I'm the producer of Minky & Connie in the Morning.
I'm guessing by those droopy eyes
you must be our whacky comedians?
Busted.
You totally forgot the Visine, bro.
[chuckles] See? I can already tell you're funny.
Now, if I can just have you fill out these forms, please.
What's this?
Just a little background info with lead-ins for your skits.
You don't have to write the whole joke out,
just an idea of what you're gonna say.
Think of it like doing panel for a late night talk show.
-Carrie, is it? -Uh-hmm.
-You're new here? -Uh-uh.
We find it's better just to be spontaneous.
Pete, is it?
We find that, because you're on a D-List tour,
you D-List comedians consider this a D-List station.
Guess what, it's not.
We stream nationally online and satellite radio.
I'm well-aware that organic comedy generally works better.
However, most comics come in here hung over
whining about why they have to do radio at 6:00 a.m.
when the show they're plugging isn't until 9:00 p.m.
And it's true, most people listening this morning
probably won't go tonight.
But we have such a loyal fan base,
they might just follow you on social media.
Get your ten followers up.
Or perhaps they just enjoy watching clips of old cisgender
white male wash-up comedians,
vagina-shaming hotel clerks. Okay?
Who are you?
It was a joke.
Hmm, I saw. So funny, I forgot to laugh.
Anyhoo, I can tell you that
last week's guests were hilarious.
So, I highly suggest you bring your "A-game" today.
Understood?
Okay. Good talks.
I'll give you a minute to fill out your form,
and then I'll come back to bring you guys into the studio.
Okay? Okay.
Done?
Why, thank you.
[chuckles]
What's a blue waffle?
All right. They'll be ready for you after the break.
If you guys will just follow me.
Thank you.
Hmm. No. Uh-uh. Nope.
Ugh.
[Ethan] Seriously, what makes it blue?
Okay. When that light goes off, we're good to go.
Ready? In three, two, one.
-Good timing. -Oh, thank you.
Not bad for a newbie, huh?
Your father owns the station, doesn't he?
How's your hairline?
[man] Remember when getting away...
[Minky] Hey, guys. Take a seat. Give me a sec.
[man] ...the family and hitting the road?
So, we're back in 30. We're gonna do a quick wrap
then we'll bring you guys on,
take a few phone calls, give away a few tickets.
You guys will be back in bed before sunrise.
Oh, all right. Oh, that shit was good.
Those are your cans right there.
Put them on and make sure you get really close to the mic
like it's a big old "you know what".
[man] [indistinct]
-[man] Hey, folks. -[Minky] Hey, folks.
Welcome back to Minky & Connie in the Morning
where we put the Big O back in KBLO.
[Connie] All right. Who knows that better than you, Minky?
[Minky] Hey-oh.
It's 6:06 this dreary Tuesday morning.
But here to bring some sunshine,
we're talking to the comics
who are gonna be performing tonight at the Rusty Nail.
[Connie] Pete Brennan and Ethan Barr.
-Hey-oh. -Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
How are you boys doing this morning?
Uh, peachy.
Just--yeah, we're not as caffeinated as you guys.
You did cocaine.
[tape screeches]
That's hysterical!
[laughing] They got jokes.
-That is so funny. -You said it, Connie.
Now, Pete, it says here you're originally
from Pittsburg and have appeared on The Tonight Show?
That's right. Yeah. I...
I loved that show when Johnny Carson was the host.
He was the best, then Dave Letterman.
I miss Dave. Uh,
have you seen his new interview shows?
[Minky] I have it cued up and I haven't had a chance
to watch it yet. I'm still finishing up Ozark.
Shut up. I just binged that last week.
Don't spoil it, Connie.
Well, I--hmm.
So Pete, what's your skit like?
Well, I do mix of character. I do political...
It says--wait, wait. It says here
you have a really good joke about you losing your luggage
on the way here? What the hell is that about?
-Man, I hate when that happens! -Doesn't everyone?
Especially Pete because, y'all, he drove.
Oh. Pete, I gotta hear that joke.
Do the joke.
Do it. Do the joke.
Um, you just did.
She told you the punchline.
Right.
Ethan.
I am loving this whole
"emo" thing you have going on. Hmm.
Baby, I could just eat that ass up.
-Well, I am a vampire. -I know, right?
Especially with these late hours, it sure feels that way.
I know. We should just wrap this up
before the sun comes up, right?
Actually, that's a myth.
We can be on the sun just like--
Favorite vampire movie, I say
Dracula: Dead & Loving It.
Ooh. All my nieces got me sucked
into the whole Twilight craze.
"Sucked" being the operative word
as those films certainly did suck.
He's a comedian now.
Look at that, Minky.
See? It's not so hard.
You can do it. Good job.
So Ethan, back to us.
So, since you're part of that whole undead family,
which you're so freakin' sexy,
what is your favorite vampire movie, hmm?
Well, you see, the problem is,
they aren't usually historically accurate.
-But I suppose Bladeis-- -Come on.
Interview with the Vampire, they nailed it.
-Yeah. -They didn't.
Uh, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Dream team!
And that little girl, what was her name?
I don't know. She like
screwed Spiderman or something, like, dirt, dust.
-Kirsten Durst. -Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.
You--look, you cheated, Minky.
It's Kirsten Dunst.
I was looking up something else.
Oh, now you're gonna lie?
You're gonna lie to the people.
Okay. If you think Minky lied,
I want you to tell us on Twitter right now.
All right. Thank you so much, Pete and Ethan.
I appreciate y'all for being here.
Or as they should call themselves,
the comedy duo of A-bat and Costello.
[laughing] Good one, yeah.
Coming up after the break,
we're gonna open up the phone lines
and we're gonna be talking to the sexy girls
from the Rabbit Ranch who are gonna be showing up
to test out some new "adult products".
Ooh, my kind of talk show.
All right. You don't wanna miss that.
And if anyone wants some free tickets to tonight's show,
I want you to hashtag Ethan is a Vampire.
Also, #MinkyLies.
[Minky] We'll be back in five.
Oh.
That was great, guys. You're the best segment we've ever had.
I really appreciate you guys being here.
[Minky] You guys did really well. Thank you so much
for stopping by. That was wonderful work.
Yeah. I'm just so fucking high right now.
Can someone punch me in the face?
Just punch me square in the face.
No, Pete. Why?
You wanna do a shot?
I gotta go to my chiropractor this afternoon.
[Connie] You're such a square.
Fuck it. [sniffles]
All right. Come on in. We're so excited to have you.
Just go with it and be spontaneous.
We found it works so much better that way, okay?
Okay.
[singer] ♪ When I'm entering the convo♪
[Minky] Hey, hey, hey. Good morning.
How are you guys?
You sit over there [indistinct]
Does that girl have a bag of dicks?
Uh-hmm.
That's my career.
My career has been following a bag of dicks.
That's just where I'm at.
Wow.
That, um...
Ethan's a Vampire hashtag has over a thousand retweets.
Huh.
You're trending in Area 51.
Embrace it.
How so?
I don't know.
I haven't quite figured you out yet,
but you seem to be all-in with this whole vampire thing.
So, I think you should just run with it.
I am a vampire, Pete.
See? Now I believe you believe that, which is good.
It takes comics years to find their voice.
You did it in a few months.
[sighs]
I'm sorry. I--I--I don't follow.
Look.
I know my place in this business, okay?
I'm a cisgender
white male piece of shit, okay?
There's millions of "mes" out there, okay?
It's a different ballgame today.
It's not just about being funny anymore.
It's about how many social media followers you have,
what box do you check
or about a gimmick.
You know, like that thumb trick thing you do.
Oh, yes.
My Grandma Liz taught me many, um,
"tricks" when I was younger.
So good. I would exploit the shit out of that if I could.
Instead I was too busy trying to be a comic's comic.
What's a "comic's comic?"
It's when all the comedians stop talking in the back
of the room and they stop
to watch your set and they study you.
It's the ultimate form of flattery.
And how do you get that?
Truth, fearlessness, and time.
Time is overrated.
Sure, when you don't appreciate it.
I did the same thing when I was your age.
But time is precious.
You can never get it back.
I know.
I literally have all the time in the world.
I spent 200 years learning the harpsichord.
By the time I perfected it,
baroque music was obsolete.
Ha! Ha! See? Now that's funny, dude.
Come on.
Why don't you do that on stage tonight?
Look, when you go up there tonight,
I want you to be you.
And if you suck, at least, you'll be sucking as yourself.
Can you try--ah!
-Watch your feet! -Son of a cock!
Hey, hand me that mop bucket over there.
Some fuckwad puked all over the damn place.
Thanks.
Got it.
Oh, God.
[scoffs]
Living the dream, dude.
This what you want, Ethan?
Absolutely.
And she's why they call it beheading.
[laughter]
[bartender] Hey.
Hey.
Hey, you know this place is haunted, right?
No, I'll just have a beer.
And it was actually the entire fist.
[crowd] Boo!
Is it always this rowdy here?
Oh, God, no. Not mostly.
But see, most of these folks,
they heard y'all on the radio this morning.
So, uh, well,
they cannot see the undead.
No, I'm alive, okay?
I don't know what the hell he is.
Hmm, may I take your pulse to confirm that?
[crowd] Vampire! Vampire!
Vampire! Vampire!
[Heckler 1] Vampire!
I'm sorry, what's that you say?
-[crowd] Vampire! -Ah, yes,
vampires,
the immortal creatures of both mystery and myth.
[cheers and applause]
Hey, bite me!
You aren't worthy of my powers.
Then suck my dick!
My friend,
there isn't enough blood in that tiny thing
to keep me alive for an hour.
Say that to his face, ya pussy!
Technically, I just did, but okay...
Jesus, fuck!
[bartender] Hell did he go?
-Shh! -What the fuck?
[man groaning]
[woman screaming]
Is that mirrors? Is that mirrors?
-You got mirrors in there? -No!
That a special effect?
-[crowd] Whoa. -[applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have been delicious.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, if he broke that, he's fucking paying for it.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God.
I don't even know where to begin.
Do you believe me now?
How can I not?
I mean, the coffin is eccentric
but explainable. Okay?
The, the glowing eyes, contacts,
the teeth, fake, the shooting blood,
it's an odd lifestyle choice but hey, it's Vegas.
But dude, you turned into a bat, man.
A fucking bat!
Pete, I never tried to hide this from you.
I know but I thought you were, like,
method acting or trying to find your own identity.
Never in a million years that I'd think
this stuff is actually real.
I'm sorry.
Perhaps I should've made this clear before we left.
Wait, so do you--do you just go around biting people?
No, God, how barbaric.
I had to give that up in the '80s.
I almost bit Freddy Mercury.
-Dude, that's a close call. -I know.
But I do still need to feast off of fresh blood.
But now I just get it from a friend of mine
who works at the hospital.
Okay. Wait, start from the beginning.
Okay. I need to know everything, details.
Gladly.
Well, for starters,
my grandmother was the infamous Elizabeth Bathory,
a Countess who believed
she could retain her youth by drinking
and bathing in the blood of young girls.
You see, at the time, the life expectancy...
All clear. Everyone's gone
except for a, uh, couple of chicks who wanna meet you.
Are they hot?
Ridiculously hot,
but not you.
Vamp.
I don't even care about chicks right now, dude.
He just turned to a bat. Did you see that shit?
Yeah, it's fine. It's no Jeff Dunham.
And I got bats in the attic.
Have you seen Jeff Dunham?
His act is phenomenal.
Dude, I love Dunham.
But he didn't turn to a bat.
Dunham doesn't have a bat.
May I present to you
the exquisite Ms. Scarlett Drake
and Madame Darah.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go mop up some puke.
Hi.
-Hey. -Hi.
You were semi-funny.
You don't need to curse so much.
Appreciate the tip.
Pleasure to make your acquaintances.
Ethan, you look exactly the same.
I'm sorry, have we met?
-So-- -No.
Okay.
I'll just let you kids get reacquainted
and I'm going to light myself on fire.
I'll bring the matches.
Does this ring a bell?
[moaning]
Prague.
Chantel.
You were the model
for the Goddess Victoria statue.
Oh, my goodness.
How could I ever forget that?
I don't know.
I am enthralled to see you again.
And I am loving your new name.
What are you doing here?
You see this shit?
I'm the headliner.
What's he got that I don't got?
Two women, apparently.
You trying to make it three?
Maybe.
Okay.
I podcast, I'm a social media influencer,
I dabble in fashion.
Hot. [chuckles]
[laughs]
What's that smell?
Oh, perfect timing!
You know what? We should take a group photo.
-Yes. -Do you mind?
Sure.
Ladies.
Okay.
Closer, closer, work it.
You got to hit them angle.
Okay. Ready? And...
see you at the hotel, Ethan.
And, uh, I'll try to cut out
the fucking swear words out of my fucking act.
He turned into a bat,
an actual bat.
I'm losing my freaking mind.
Between the early 1600s mommy issues
and that coffin thing, I mean, I've had my suspicions.
What?
And you never said anything?
Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?
I know, but at least you could have told me something.
Now, this whole thing's gonna blow up.
It's gonna be a shit show
and I don't know where I'm at.
Whoa, I wasn't aware I was your vampire riddler.
-Okay. -Vampire.
[Stephanie] Honey, what are you looking at?
What? Oh, vampire research.
-Okay. And what do... -Wow.
...you hope to accomplish?
I'm getting deep into vampire
lingerie-- lore, lore, linge-lore.
Linge-lore. What?
Okay. Well, that's my time.
-You've been a great-- -No, no, no, don't hang up.
Come on, honey, no.
[Stephanie] No, no, no, you seem a little distracted
and I need to get this shit off my face
-because it's starting to burn. -No, I love you
-with shit on your face. -Bye.
I love your shitty face.
Don't hang up.
Operation Fake Out complete.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
-Hmm? -If we cross this threshold,
there's no going back.
Okay.
[Scarlett] Hey, gang, it's Scarlett,
your favorite sexy podcaster.
Let's get back to Fia.
Lastly, Fia, before we go,
what are the pitfalls of your gift as a medium?
Yeah. That's a good choice, a good one.
As a medium, I have to always deliver the messages.
Sometimes it's very tough for people
to hear those messages from their loved one.
[Scarlett] Thank you, Fia, so much--
Wait. Do you hear me?
I have always heard you.
No.
You can reach me on avid@voice.com.
[Scarlett] This is Scarlett Drake.
He is really trolling you.
What a surprise.
Let's have some fun with him.
Yes.
[singer] ♪ Got a big plan, This mindset maybe it's right♪
♪ At the right place And right time♪
♪ Maybe tonight And the whisper♪
♪ Or handshake sending a sign♪
♪ Wanna make out and kiss hard♪
♪ Wait never mind, Late night, and passing...♪
Oh, Pete, you're missing out!
-Fuck. -[singer] ♪ When she walked in♪
♪ He froze up, Believe it's the fright♪
♪ It's cute in a way, Till you cannot speak♪
-Oh, fuck! -♪ Your knees get weak♪
♪ An escape is just a nod And a casual wave♪
♪ Obsessed about it, Heavy for...♪
-Oh, God! -Vampire. Vampire. Vampire.
Are they saying "Let's go play" in there?
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, yeah, harder! Oh!
Fuck!
[singer] ♪ I want to hold you close...♪
I'm the headliner!
[singer] ♪ Lie still, And close your eyes girl♪
♪ So lovely, it feels so right♪
-♪ I wanna hold you close...♪ -You owe me, Ethan!
[Darah gasp, moans]
[Scarlett] Come on.
For old times' sake.
Bite me, Ethan, please.
I want you to.
[upbeat music playing]
[Darah moans]
[upbeat music continues]
[knocks on door]
[Ethan] Can I come in?
No!
Good morning, sir.
Jesus.
You got to stop doing that shit.
I'm sorry. I thought since now that you knew
I could... be myself.
Good job last night.
You're viral.
Thank you, Pete.
God, it felt good.
I just did what you said.
And I was really myself up there.
Where are your little girlfriends at now?
They've left.
Sad. Seems like they have a really good way with words
and they got great personalities
and probably amazing business acumen.
[Ethan] Yes. Well,
let's just say I remember why I'd forgotten.
Then why did you just have a fucking fuck fest
all night, dude?
[chuckles softly]
Probably for the same reasons we go to open mics,
to try new things.
How about you bite me?
Would you ever consider that?
I wanna try new things.
I would never bite you, Pete.
Scared of competition?
[Ethan chuckles]
Competition?
Pete, I'm already up 2-0.
[upbeat music playing]
They say, what do men do know
[indistinct] sweatpants for guys,
they put writing on the front, you know?
It just said, "dinner,"
[laughter]
"the other white meat."
[laughter]
[Carrot Top] I got to go.
Oh, oh. Dude, you're amazing.
-Me? -Yeah.
Mr. Top, I'm such a fan.
Thanks. Carrot.
Just Scott, actually that was weird.
Scott, the pleasure was all mine.
If you need a headliner, dude,
I'm right here six nights a week at the Luxor,
great gig, every night, boom, in and out,
sleep in your own bed, somebody else's bed,
but you're here in town, it's great, seriously.
Then mull it over, think about it.
It's tempting. Do you have a card that I can maybe--
A card? No, I don't think comics carry cards.
Do you have a card? That'd be weird.
Uh, DM, is that what they call it?
-Direct messaging. -Yeah.
I'll give you mine, you give me yours,
and you'll direct me back.
I'll follow you back.
Okay. We'll see.
Uh, I know there's people ask you,
could you show me that--the fire thumb?
Please, I won't share it with anybody, I promise.
I--I don't have any friends to share it with.
So, just--what the fuck?
It's really about timing.
I once jerked off lefty
and nearly burned the entire thing off.
It's kinda hot.
Do you wanna touch it? The thumb.
That was my--do, do, do. Uh-hmm, uh-hmm.
-There we go. -Jesus.
How the--how the fuck did...
Well, as we know, magic isn't real.
-Can I ask you something? -Yeah.
Does the Carrot match the drapes?
-I have no drapes. -Ah.
Oh, yeah, too much information, probably.
-Stained glass windows. Okay. -Yeah.
You shared with me, I share with you.
-Well, you look fantastic. -Thank you. Thank you.
It's the lighting. Hey, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go,
but, uh, thanks for chatting
and thanks for showing me the, uh, thing.
-Sure. -You're--dude, you're awesome.
-Thanks. -You're awesome. DM me, fucker.
-I got you. -Don't not fucking DM me.
I'm not going to DM.
[upbeat music playing]
[laughter]
[Ethan] If any of you ladies would like to buy me
a drink after the show,
I'll have a Bloody Mary. Hold the Mary.
[applause]
Thank you. You all have been incredible.
Now, if you would,
please keep that round of applause going
for the man who taught me everything I know about comedy.
Mr. Pete Brennan.
[applause]
Thank you. Woo.
Thank you for that warm round of indifference.
[laughs]
How about one more time for Ethan Barr, huh?
The love child of Bella and Nosferatu.
-Nosferatu. -Nosferatu.
You've been around that long? You know? Okay.
You know what they say, we needs more dildos. Wow.
No wonder why they're trying to ban straws. Jesus Christ.
These fish are gonna end up with porn stars.
My God. I don't know if you guys know this,
because they say it's good luck for one of the bridesmaids
to sleep with the comedian right after
the bachelorette party. I'm just saying.
[Dozer] Any of them putas will do you.
What--what was that, sir?
They're all a bunch of dirty sluts.
-Look at 'em. -[man] All right, Dozer.
It's time to go. Come on.
Sir, aren't you late for your job
at the truck stop glory hole?
[Sarah] He's just pissed 'cause he got himself
-a little 'ol dick. -Ooh.
Wait. Oh, ladies. Wait.
What don't you guys share that with the crowd, what?
Well, there's not that much to share.
Hold on. So you're saying
that his pee-pee...
[speaking foreign language]
All right, Dozer. It's time to go. Come on.
[speaking foreign language]
Did you see what that puta just said to me?
That shit ain't true.
Well, maybe so, but you got to go.
It's every week.
It's the same damn thing with you, man.
[speaking foreign language]
Sir, I don't know why you're upset.
Don't get all hung up over this.
Oops. I said hung,
but I guess we all know that's not the case.
You're fucking dead, funny man.
Oh, okay. Well, I'm dead, but you're gone. So...
♪ Na, na, na, na...♪
[all] ♪ Na, na, na, na♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey♪
-♪ Little wee♪ -♪ Good bye♪
[Dozer] I'm gonna count to three.
Three, two...
Please don't do this.
-[gunshot] -Whoa.
[groans]
That was a warning.
[Ethan] You missed.
[gunfire]
Ha!
[suspenseful music playing]
You guys better get out of here and get out of here fast!
He's dead. What about the cops?
Cops? Ain't gonna be no cops, man.
This guy had it comin'. Besides, who's gonna miss him?
It was self-defense, Dale. You saw it.
I saw the whole doggone thing.
You guys wouldn't even hear it, you're ghosts man.
Let me get a few of the guys to come down here
and clean this mess up now.
You won't have to.
Are you bringing him back?
As if.
Do you have a leaf-blower?
I'll take that as a no.
We should go.
[dramatic music playing]
[singer vocalizing]
[dramatic music playing]
Bro, you...
you killed a guy.
I know.
And I'm sorry.
And drank his blood.
Again, I'm sorry you had to see that.
Then you asked for a leaf-blower?
What the hell? It's crazy.
Not--not--not because he's Mexican.
The ash.
That's funny.
That's--that's--yeah, okay.
That's--that's good. You can use that.
It's good instinct.
I learned from the best.
Thanks.
Wait a minute, can--
I got--I got to ask you something.
-Of course. Anything. -Okay.
I thought the rule was if you got bit by a vampire,
then you turn into a vampire?
Not necessarily.
It's--it's quite complicated, really.
But... I suppose the short version
is that you could choose.
You can either turn someone or you can let them die.
Let them die?
You disintegrated that guy.
Yeah.
He was an asshole.
Okay. Hypothetically speaking, if you bit me,
could you choose to make me immortal?
Hypothetically, yes.
But as I've told you, I would never do that.
Well, hold on, dude, we're not done.
-I told you. -Why? We got to talk.
I did--hold on.
What if I wanted you to?
You don't. Trust me.
Why not?
What do I have to lose?
My career's nowhere. I'm broke.
I'm on the wrong side of 40.
What do I have left,
20 or 30 years tops?
I want more time.
Immortality is not that simple.
I mean, do you have any idea what it's like
to be emotionally dead inside?
Have you met me? I'm a comedian.
No. You see that right there, shows you don't.
I mean, you are cloaked in apathy and bitterness.
Thank you?
It's not a compliment.
You might not like the way you feel,
but the fact is, you do still feel.
And if you truly hated your life so much,
why on earth would you want it to continue?
'Cause I'm a nobody.
I'm just an old road bum.
Just played dive bars and bowling alleys
my whole life.
Never got the shot.
But with this,
I can have more time.
Ethan, please.
I'm asking you as a friend.
Please bite me.
With all due respect, no.
Why?
Because nothing changes, Pete.
I'm still the same naive boy I was in 1613.
Yes, I've--I've adapted to my surroundings,
sure, because I've had to.
But I haven't changed.
Nobody does.
What makes you think you'd be any different?
I don't know. But why not try?
Because there's no going back.
You will taste death.
Or--or appreciate its worth.
You'll only lose yourself in an infinite loop
while you watch everyone around you die.
Is that what you want?
Is it?
Maybe that's already happened.
Oh, has it?
Mr. Comic's Comic?
You're the one playing lonely road dog,
pretending you're above loving anyone else
above yourself,
or God worse than loving you.
It's not fair to the very few people
who do give a shit,
especially Stephanie.
This has nothing to do with Steph, okay?
You know, you really are an ungrateful prick.
She sticks by you, no questions asked,
and you're willing to let that fade away
like everyone else simply because what?
You feel the time that you do have left isn't enough?
Now, who's playing the victim?
She knows what she signed up for.
She knows that there's only one person
that I ever loved unconditionally.
Who I watched die.
[dramatic music playing]
He didn't have the luxury of time.
He died without ever understanding
the benefits of it
or the value of it.
You know why?
Because eight year olds usually don't.
You--you had a child?
Yeah.
I had a son.
[Ethan sighs]
The universe took care of that real quick.
So, don't lecture me on the value of time, okay?
Because you have no fucking clue
what you're talking about, kid.
Pete, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Now, you do.
[dramatic music playing]
I'm still not going to bite you.
I don't want you to bite me anymore.
Pussy.
You forgot your shit.
[Chuck] Hey, Pete. It's your favorite manager.
You got to give me a call when you got a chance.
I got bad news on the Russell Peters club.
[upbeat music playing]
[singer] ♪ Ooh, let's go!♪
Chuck, you fucking slimy snake,
10% piece of fucking horseshit.
Hey, ass-nugget.
They wanted your protege, not you.
What does it even matter, dude?
It's a fucking warm-up spot.
A baby could do it.
Russell's never gonna go for this.
Charlie, it's out of my control.
Look, you still get to open the show,
but instead of Russell, you bring up Ethan,
and Ethan brings up Russell.
That's messed up, man.
See? He even gets it.
And he's not even finished Rosetta Stone yet.
Fuck you, Chuck!
You know he killed a guy the other night?
Oh, nice. Did you film that too?
With his teeth. Fang.
Listen, ass-munch.
I don't know what the fuck is going on with you.
This is bullshit, Chuck. It's not right.
What did I tell you
when we first started this business?
Okay, nothing is fair.
And you can't take anything personally.
Heck. Are we good?
No. We're far from good.
Heegan, finish him!
[Ethan] Wow.
Pete, this place is incredible.
[Pete] Thanks.
It was once featured on
Lifestyles of the Broke and Anonymous,
where caviar dreams don't exist.
Hmm, you jest, but I find it quite chic.
How are you feeling?
Honestly, I haven't been this nervous
since the Anti-Habsburg Uprising.
I wouldn't open with that.
No, of course not.
Look, you're nervous.
It's totally normal to be nervous.
It's--anybody would be.
No, of course.
How are you?
Fuck, no. I'm dead inside, remember?
But for you, it's more normal.
Wait, what?
I remember not long ago when you were vampsplaining
how immortality is a hollowed existence.
But here you are filled to the brim with emotion.
It's quite a paradox,
isn't it, Clarice?
What's the matter?
Bat have your tongue?
[car horn honks]
Our ride is here.
That makes me so happy.
You?
I don't sound like that.
I know.
That was Anthony Hopkins
but you kind of are in the same neighborhood.
Let's go make a memory, cuh.
[singer] ♪ You know, I'm built for it♪
♪ You ain't gotta ask twice♪
♪ You ain't about That fast life♪
♪ Huh, hundred on the dash With the cash like♪
♪ You ain't about That fast life...♪
Holy shit. Ethan,
you're big time!
Oh, yeah. He's huge.
That's why he's riding "bitch,"
in the backseat, of this shitbox.
Hey, whoa.
At least, Roy doesn't have a boot on his car
from unpaid fines.
And I will see them in court
because those signs were clearly not marked handicapped.
All right. Kids, kids, kids, that'll be $37.50.
I accept cash, hash, or gash.
-No one rides for free. -Okay.
Maybe you can, uh, deduct it
from the ten years of comp tickets
that Pete's got you.
What about you, Steph?
Uh, obviously, the girlfriend discount.
So, you mean girlfriend's "dicks-count."
Oh. [laughs]
If anyone's dicks count, it would be her.
Oh, God.
Apparently, Roy's jokes even need to be marked handicapped.
[Roy] I'm getting heckled by Ethan.
It's not bad.
Hey.
I want you to know how proud I am of you.
For what?
Really?
It's my ride.
Not anymore.
-Thank you, Roy. -It's my car. My car.
Honey, you know, before a show I'd only tell you maybe save it.
Be caressed like this?
-No, I just-- -Like this?
It's a prize fighter.
Really? Be serious for a second.
What you did showed a lot of class.
Or stupidity?
I don't know, maybe a friendly combination of both.
You're gonna do great tonight.
You are great.
I love you too.
Why are you so good to me?
Because you deserve it.
Sometimes, you know?
Now, get out there and be Pete Fuckin' Brennan!
It's an order.
Somebody's gotta do it.
Yeah!
[upbeat music playing]
-[DJ Minky] Heegan. -What's up?
You wanna learn how to DJ?
Well, please show me, I will do, do amazing.
You teach me jujitsu,
I'll teach you how to cut and scratch.
Well, it's a good trade. I'm in. Let's go.
[speaking foreign language]
[upbeat music playing]
You blowing a ghost?
Holy shit bro!
You can't sneak up on a guy mid-chew.
When did you start eating vegetables?
I read this interview
with Peter North who's a porn star.
He said, celery is the key
to a robust and meaty money shot.
And at my age, I need all the help I can get.
I have a tough enough time clearing my own thumbs.
You also have a tough enough time clearing my checks.
Well, one time.
Hey, are you available for weddings?
[Russell] And bar mitzvahs.
-[Pete] What's up, buddy? -[Chuck] How are you?
-Ethan. -Ethan.
Nice to meet you, buddy.
For the record, this wasn't my idea.
The suits, they got all excited when something new
and shiny comes along
and jump on whatever keeps the kids moist.
Well, Pete has told me so much about you.
Truly an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
[laughs]
Truly an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir."
Where the fuck did you find this kid?
Only Fangs.
[Russell] Who taught you how to speak?
Fucking Mr. Belvedere?
"It is truly an honor and privilege to meet you, sir."
I'm just fucking with you, kid.
I saw your thing for real,
that Chris Angel magic trick you did, it was good.
Not my cup of tea but, you know, kudos to you.
Well, thank you.
[Russell] So, here's what's gonna happen.
Pete's gonna go and do 20.
He's going to kill it.
And you're not gonna be able to follow him
but you're gonna go on after him anyway.
Okay. I--I can handle that.
[Russell] This fucking kid a rescue or something?
You teach him how to roll over, fetch your slippers?
[Pete] He's fine. He's just being nervous.
Remember our early shitty gigs
we did up in Toronto in '95, was it a stupid beer fest?
It was some beer fest. It was shitty.
[Pete] And they had that statement.
-What was I saying? -[Russell] Oh, it's, uh...
[both] "That's what beer is all about."
-Yeah. -It was stupid.
What?
Hey, uh, Ethan,
I want you to know that all this ass kissing
and fuckin' brown nosing is all bullshit, all right?
It's not gonna last forever.
So, don't forget your place and time.
[speaking foreign language]
I won't.
We all know this is Pete's spot
and whether me being here was your decision or not.
I won't let either of you down.
Why does he talk like that?
He watched a lot of Harry Potter as a kid.
I'm probably the Harriest Potter he's ever met.
[man] Pete, you're on in three minutes.
Okay. Any last minute advice?
Yes!
Oh, my God. This is very important.
Don't suck.
[laughs]
Got him.
Thank you.
[Chuck] He's nervous.
Kid's shaking like a dog trying to shit a peach seed.
[laughs]
You an actress?
You wanna be?
How about an over the pants hand job with no eye contact?
No?
[upbeat music playing]
[singer] ♪ We on a world tour With Muhammad, my man♪
♪ Going each and every place♪
♪ With the mic in their hand, New York♪
[indistinct]
like imagine if I did that to people.
And I was like, "Oh, shit. What's up Bed, Bath & Beyond?
[laughter]
Smoothy King, where you at?
"Chik-fil-A."
[laughter]
-[cheers and applause] -All right.
Wow!
And I'm just your "fluffer."
Wait till the pizza man gets here,
you know what I'm saying?
Delivering that peckeroni.
Um, all right.
Guys, you ready for your next comic?
[crowd] Yeah!
Your next comedian is 27 years old
but he's a legit quad-centennial.
That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together
for Mr. Ethan Barr.
[rock music playing]
[applause]
Wow.
This is incredible.
Though I have to be honest, I haven't been this nervous
since the Anti-Habsburg Uprising of 1740.
What the fuck?
[clears throat]
You know... my mentor said
not to open with that joke.
He was right.
He usually is.
He's a true comic's comic which is why I believe
we should bring him out for another bow.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me reintroduce
your first headliner of the evening,
Mr. Pete Brennan!
[crowd cheering]
What the fuck?
-What the fuck? -What the fuck?
What the fuck.
Come on.
[crowd cheering]
-Seriously, dude, what the fuck? -Look, I have no fucking idea.
I'm sorry.
The guy just went rogue. I don't know.
He's going down like an Iraqi fighter pilot.
I knew he wasn't ready. He's your protege.
-[Danny] Yes. -My protege?
You're the guy who booked him.
-[Chuck] I didn't book him. -Yes, you did.
When you were rolling on the fucking ground
with Heegan Mitch out on the backyard
who said, "He's gonna be on camera, remember?"
What? Did Heegan squeeze your fucking brain too tight?
[Ethan] Help me give a warm welcome to Russell Peters.
Is that how you're trying to revive your career?
Who said my career's in the shitter?
[singer] ♪ Can I kick it?♪
Give it up for, uh, Pete Brennan
and his beautiful daughter Ethan Barr,
my favorite vampire.
[crowd laughing]
Never understood the name, Ethan, and all of a sudden,
too much, like, methane to me.
Which makes sense because his breath smells like shit.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, you got two Asian girls with you, huh?
What happened? Double clicked on the check out?
[laughter]
[rapper] ♪ I mean, this is The best times of my life♪
[upbeat music playing]
[Pete] This is it, my friend.
This is what it's all about,
the moment, after the moment
when we shared a moment.
Wow. That is--that's deep.
[laughter]
Ah, that ain't shit, homeboy.
Dude, you're going, like,
55 in a 65, bro.
Come on!
Punch it, live a little.
Pete, I know it should've been you and not me.
Not your fault.
I'm sorry.
This is business.
Shit's uptown, reward's mediocre.
But I'm actually really proud of you.
I know I'm not as funny as you.
And you never will be.
Ever.
But... it doesn't matter
because you got something I don't.
What?
You have... a presence.
Open this motherfucker up!
Fine. You want me to go?
Woo!
Woo! Woo! Gas it.
Yeah! Yeah, man.
Woo! Yeah.
Pete. Pete, get inside!
What is the matter with you?
Woo!
Yeah.
Pete. Get in--Pete, Pete!
[crash]
[dramatic music playing]
[panting]
[coughs]
Pete!
I'm fine.
Bite me, Ethan.
No, I won't have to.
You're going to be okay.
[Pete] How bad is it?
Um...
I've seen worse.
[breathes heavily]
Well, this is it.
This is the way it ends.
No, hey. Hey. Hey.
Save your energy, okay?
They're on their way. You're going to be fine.
-I'm fine. -[Ethan] Hey, come on.
The ambulance is almost here, all right?
Just hang on.
[Pete] Here's my boy.
[Ethan] Yes. I'm your boy.
No. No, my son.
My son is here.
-Yes. -[Pete] My son is here.
Yeah, they're almost here.
Just hang on, okay?
I don't know, Ethan.
I can't.
He just came in the light.
No, Pete. Come on, stay, stay with me.
Stay with me, Pete.
I got to get up now.
Hey, you're gonna cry, cry.
That's my time. Goodnight.
[siren wailing in distance]
Pete. Pete. Pete.
Come on. Come on, stay with me, Pete.
Please. Please, Pete.
[dramatic music playing]
[Sandy] Good morning.
Do you have a reservation with us today?
-Yes, I do. -Fantastic!
Um, and what is the last name of the traveler?
Barr.
Ethan Barr.
Ooh! So, you're this week's comedian?
So, are you funny?
Can you tell me a joke?
I--I just love jokes.
Okay. Here's what I think you'll like.
What's the difference between a vagina and a cunt?
Until you bring it back and that's called the callback.
Now, remember what I said earlier
about the "rules of threes"
and also, the "K" Sound.
Ooh.
Look who we have here!
Please give it up, the great Keith Ray.
Yo, I'm the pimp with the limp, you're the shrimp with the limp.
Yeah, you know it, baby.
Look, what he said is correct.
Which is why when used correctly,
the "C-word" is always fun.
Dude, is this show and tell?
-What? -Um, okay.
So, in your humble opinion then,
like, what do you think
the best thing that a comedian can do,
like, while they're on stage or whatever and stuff?
-Is that a real question? -I don't know, Pete.
But you take a shot at it.
Oh, my God.
Two words.
Don't suck.
[singer] ♪ Let's do it♪
[upbeat music playing]
[singer] ♪ Working all week♪
♪ 9:00 to 5:00 for my money♪
♪ So, when the weekend comes♪
♪ I go get live with the hunt♪
♪ Rollin' down the street♪
♪ I saw a girl When she was pumping♪
♪ I winked my eyes She got into the ride♪
♪ Went to a club And we're jumping♪
♪ Introduced myself, Hello she said you're a liar♪
♪ I said, I got it going on Baby doll♪
♪ And I'mma flyer♪
♪ Took her to the hotel♪
♪ She said, you're the king♪
♪ And so, be my queen If you know what I mean?♪
♪ Let's do the wild thing♪
♪ Wild thing♪