Downloaded from YTS.MX
[man 1] Ms. Pat, you've been a mom since you were 14 years old,
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
literally since your first period.
[Ms. Pat] Fuck you, Dion.
Chris, why does Dion look better than you today?
Dion, you look like a Black Ken on crack.
[all laughing]
[man 2] You're about to shoot your first special.
How do you make people laugh through all you've been through?
I don't dwell on shit I don't have control over.
-[objects clatter] -[girl screams]
But I do have control over this ass-whooping
I'm about to give these kids right now!
Let's take a break.
[audience cheers and applauds]
[announcer] Atlanta, show your love for your hometown hero.
Make some noise for the one and only, Ms. Pat!
["Bad Girl" by Siryuz playing]
All right, goddamn it.
[cheering]
Yeah!
All right.
[chuckles] All right, shut the fuck up.
You letting a bitch know she done made it.
[audience laughing]
So glad to be here. So glad to be here.
Atlanta, finally fucking home.
Home of the only place you can get a PPP loan
and ain't got no fucking business.
[audience laughing]
All you niggas going to jail.
[audience laughing]
I'm on the phone the other day, talking to my girlfriend, y'all,
complaining about these damn kids, these crack babies I'm raising. I'm…
Yeah, I'm raising my fucking niece's crack babies.
I'm on the phone complaining,
"These motherfuckers getting on my goddamned nerves."
My friend was like, "Why you always calling them kids 'crack babies'?"
"Were they really born on crack?"
I'm like, "Bitch, I don't know."
[audience laughing]
But I do know the baby was born on cocaine.
She was like, "Cocaine? Oh my God. How did you get her off cocaine?"
I'm like, "Bitch, I stopped giving her cocaine."
[audience laughing]
I'm a fucking convicted felon.
She act like I can go to the hood and get the baby a bump or some shit.
[audience laughing]
I get pulled over by the police,
now I gotta explain to the officer, "Officer, this is not my cocaine."
"It's for the baby back at the house."
[audience laughing]
The fucking mama ran off with the breast milk.
And this is my third set of crack babies I've raised, y'all.
And I told God, "This is it."
I'm 49 years old with a fucking seven-year-old at my house
that's talking me to fucking death.
Let me tell y'all something. My periods still come on, I'm ovulating,
and I'm going through menopause.
These kids done fucked up my equilibrium.
[audience laughing]
My niece is on the fucking phone the other day,
running her fucking mouth, lying her ass off, talking about,
"Everybody know I love my kids."
I'm like, "Yeah, bitch, everybody but your kids."
[audience laughing]
"Bitch, let me end this conversation."
[audience laughing]
Talking about, "Everybody knows I'd die for my kids."
I'm like, "Don't do that, bitch. You ain't got no life insurance."
[audience laughing]
Fuck around and die, now I gotta bury you,
take care of your kids, and buy cocaine.
[audience laughing]
Fuck is wrong with you? How much money you think I got, crackhead?
These some bougie-ass crack babies too, y'all.
They do shit I would've never done as a kid.
They walk in the room the other day, don't even knock on the door.
And if you're raised by a Black parent, you better knock on that fucking door.
You better knock, peek around that corner,
and make sure you don't see where your mama hiding 'em good snacks at.
My mama didn't have no front teeth, and she's used to love them Moonpies.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] But she didn't give us none.
She made us eat them fucking gingersnaps.
[audience laughing]
You know, them hard-ass cookies
you gotta soak like beans before you eat 'em?
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
Not these fucking crack babies.
They walk directly up in my fucking room, y'all.
And the little boy is always leading.
And I don't trust them first two,
'cause they remember being at the crack house with their mama.
So, I always keep me a small pocketknife in case I gotta joog one of them niggas.
[audience laughing]
Fuck y'all. I'm a hood-bitch. I stay ready.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
The little boy walk up in a room, "Auntie."
I'm like, "What do you want, Raymon?"
He's like, "We would like to know if we're gonna eat dinner tonight."
I'm like, "Y'all some bougie-ass crack babies."
"Using words like 'dinner' and 'tonight' together."
[audience laughing]
Nigga, I would've never walked in my mama's room
and said no shit like that.
I would have walked in my mama's room like this. "Mama."
-[audience member] Right. -"We gonna eat today?"
[audience laughing]
"'Cause it's almost tomorrow."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
My mama would be like, "Get your Black ass downstairs
and go eat you a water sandwich."
[audience laughing]
Y'all niggas ain't never had no water sandwich?
Know how you bite that Sunbeam bread and chase that shit with a glass of water?
And all that shit gets stuck in the top of your mouth.
And you got a butter knife in your mouth, looks like you're sucking dick.
[audience laughing]
Don't play with me. How quickly we forget.
[audience laughing]
Because I remember waking up one day, I'm hungrier than a motherfucker,
and that damn water sandwich wore off,
and I'm sitting there watching my favorite cartoons, The Smurfs.
-Y'all remember The Smurfs? -[audience] Yeah.
Oh my God, I used to love Smurfette 'cause I knew she was a ho.
[audience laughing]
You know ain't nobody got that many damn brothers.
[audience laughing]
And I'm watching that shit on our floor model TV
with another TV on top for sound.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
[chuckles]
And I'm sitting there and the fucking water sandwich wore off
and the shit goes to a commercial.
I'll never forget, it was a Burger King commercial.
Remember when they show them toasted buns
and all that water falling off that lettuce, tomatoes, and onion,
and all that fucking heat coming off that beef patty?
And I'm sitting there, my stomach growling,
then my fucking mind playing tricks on me.
My mind said, "Bitch, go get that burger."
[audience laughing]
I jumped up off that couch and ran across that fucking shaggy carpet,
and I grabbed that floor model TV, and I licked the shit out of that TV.
[audience laughing]
And it shocked the fuck out of me.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "I guess you can't have it your way until you pay."
[audience laughing]
And I gotta tell you, this is the only set of crack babies I've raised
that I raised in an all-white neighborhood too.
One thing I realize about raising this set of kids
in an all white neighborhood,
I realized that white schools do not celebrate Black History Month
the same way Black schools do.
Mm-mm. White schools celebrate Black History Month
according to how many Black kids is at the school.
[audience laughing]
So if it's four niggas, it's four days.
[audience laughing]
Let's just say, at my kid's fucking school,
Spirit Week lasts longer than Black History Month.
[audience laughing]
And the few white people I see here,
I don't know if you know how important Black History Month is to us,
but we used to go all out.
-Didn't we, Black people? -[audience] Yes.
You had to dress up as a Black hero
and be that fucking Black hero for 30 fucking days.
[audience laughing]
I know you're thinking, "Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days."
Fuck you. We took them two days back.
[audience laughing, applauding]
So let me give you an example.
If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman,
your child had to be Harriet fucking Tubman.
Your child had to be smart, be able to lead,
be good at hide-and-seek…
[audience laughing]
…and be able to pistol-whip a nigga.
[audience laughing]
And have a strong-ass face.
[audience laughing]
Niggas, don't play with me.
[audience laughing]
You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute.
[audience laughing]
You know good and damn well Harriet looked like her uncle.
[audience laughing]
Now, don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying I don't appreciate Harriet, 'cause I do.
Without Harriet,
I'd be sucking some white dude's dick against my will.
[audience laughing]
Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet. Ain't a nigga here that would.
Would you fuck Harriet? You're a girl. I'm sorry.
[audience laughing, applauding]
You probably would fuck Harriet, but… [laughs]
I'm sorry. I didn't see you. My glasses ain't on.
You'd probably eat the shit out of her, but I'm sorry.
-[laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]
Ah, anything to be free. Ain't that right, bitch?
-[laughs] -[audience laughing]
Eat your way straight out of Master's house.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[cheering]
[chuckles]
[audience cheering, applauding]
My nephew's teacher called me. She was like, "Ms. Pat…"
"I wanted to let you know that Raymon made an A on his Black Hero essay."
I'm like, "I don't give a fuck. What you telling me for?"
She was like, "You should get him to read it to you."
I'm like, "Okay."
My nephew comes home, gets off the bus. No lie, he walked in the house.
I was like, "Yo, Raymon."
"Your teacher said you made an A on your Black Hero essay."
"Nigga, take it out so you can read the shit to the whole family."
[audience laughing]
I'm a Black mama. That's how I talk to my family.
He takes the shit out, no lie, he started, he said, "My Black Hero is my Auntie Pat."
[audience] Oh.
I know, right? I look over at my husband. "Nigga, you didn't make it."
[audience laughing]
His next line was, "She used to sell crack cocaine."
[audience laughing]
Like, "Hold on, bitch, it was just crack."
"The cocaine was for your little sister back at the house."
[audience laughing]
'Cause I grew up here in Atlanta, Georgia, during the '80s, the Ronald Reagan era.
Oh, my God. Y'all remember that shit?
Reaganomics, nigga. We were so motherfucking poor. No lie.
I had a dog named Pup-pup.
When Reagan got re-elected,
the nigga jumped out the back porch and committed suicide.
[audience laughing]
Don't look at me like that.
I didn't kill the nigga, he killed his damn self.
[audience laughing]
That's why I don't understand all this new shit.
People going around, putting their pets down and shit.
New shit. Putting your dogs down.
My friend called me, like, "Girl, I had to put my dog Coco Chanel down."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "For what, bitch?" "She had breast cancer."
I'm like, "How you gonna kill a dog who still got seven good titties to go?"
[audience laughing]
Ain't nobody trying to kill you when one of your fucking titties go out.
[audience laughing]
I don't understand that shit.
I'm like, "How do you know that dog didn't want to walk for a cure?"
[audience laughing]
Bitch, that dog wants a t-shirt that says, "I beat cancer," too.
[audience laughing]
That dog want to hear "Heart of an Angel" his damn self.
[audience laughing]
Look at all you pet lovers.
[audience laughing]
"How dare you, Ms. Pat?" Fuck you, you crazy.
[audience laughing]
And it's not cheap to put your pet down. It costs you $799.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay you 799 to put my fucking dog down.
Nigga, not when I got a barbecue grill in my backyard.
[audience laughing]
Fuck you. Heat is heat, bitch.
[audience laughing]
No matter who apply it.
Oh, are you judging me
'cause I'm not gonna put the ashes in a cupcake box with a picture on top?
Oh, fuck you.
[audience laughing]
I can't stand you fucking animal lovers.
I fly every fucking week, y'all.
And I'm so tired of getting on Delta,
seeing everybody with these fake-ass emotional support animals.
[scattered applause]
It can't be that many people out there that need a fucking friend.
[audience laughing]
Did y'all see the lady who tried to get on the plane with the short horse?
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Who the fuck out here writing prescriptions for short horses?"
"And what's the co-pay on this nigga?"
[audience laughing]
That's just their way of flying shit free.
I'mma do the same thing with my four crack babies.
I'mma show up at Delta with my four crack babies with them same vests on.
[audience laughing]
And I'mma tell 'em, "These are my emotional support niggas."
[audience laughing]
"Don't fuck with 'em 'cause they bite."
[audience laughing]
Can't stand you fucking animal lovers. Y'all went too far.
Let me just say that just because you like a football team
don't mean your fucking dog likes the same goddamn team.
I'm serious. I saw my neighbor the other day walking her dog.
The fucking dog had on a tutu, looked like she's selling pussy.
[audience laughing]
And let me just say that dogs ain't supposed to have on Levis jeans, okay?
Dogs are supposed to lick their own dick.
They can't lick their dicks if you got it zipped up.
[audience laughing]
I love this bit 'cause all the animal lovers just pull back.
I'm talking about your stupid ass.
[audience laughing]
Running around with hair bows in your dog's hair
because your fucking womb don't work.
[surprised reactions]
Oh, did I strike a nerve?
[audience laughing]
I'm serious.
I live in Plainfield, Indiana, y'all.
And no lie, my white neighbor asked me.
She's like, "Pat, come to my baby's birthday party."
I'm like, "Okay." I ain't never been to a white baby's birthday party.
I go up to the dollar store, and I buy her white daughter a Black Barbie doll.
Fuck you, I buy what looks like me.
[audience applauding]
And I figured they could use some diversity in their lives.
I get back to the house, y'all.
No lie, I walk in, this bitch got six dogs sitting at the table.
I'm looking at the dogs, the dogs looking at me, like,
"Can you tell this bitch we're dogs?"
[audience laughing]
Then she went on to say, "Blow the candles out, Buster."
"Blow the candles out."
I'm like, "Bitch, if that dog blows them candles out…
[audience laughing]
…we all gonna bite your stupid ass."
[audience laughing]
I miss the good old days, you know, when you could tie a dog up to a tree.
[audience laughing]
You can't do that shit no more, nigga. You'll go to jail.
You got a better chance of tying your ugly-ass kid up to a tree.
[audience laughing]
I grew up here in the city of Atlanta, and when I was a little girl,
we used to move a lot.
Well, we got evicted a lot.
[audience laughing]
My mama made sure that when we got evicted,
we got evicted in the same neighborhood so we wouldn't have to switch schools.
[audience laughing]
The bad part about being evicted was
my mama would always make us go knock on our old door and ask dumb shit,
like, "Did we get any mail today?"
[audience laughing]
"Knock, knock. Mama said we get any mail? Knock, knock. Mama said we get any mail?"
"She would like to know if she could borrow a pack of chicken and two tampons."
[audience laughing]
And my mama was very particular about the houses she rented, y'all.
She used to love to rent a house with a chimney.
I thought the reason why she wanted the house with the chimney
is because she wanted Santa Claus to come see her Black kids.
But that's not what it was. The reason she wanted a chimney
is 'cause we were poor as fuck, we couldn't afford light and gas,
so she would keep the fucking lights off
and we would have to cook in the fucking fireplace.
Nigga, you'd come to our house in the summertime, it's 100 degrees.
We got a Cracker Barrel fireplace going.
[audience laughing]
With a whole rack in there,
frying chicken on pine wood,
the walls sweating, we're sweating.
We're in our underwear, look like we just got off a fucking boat.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
My mama got the only fucking fan in her face,
watching The Young and the Restless.
[audience laughing]
Pine wood and grease back there popping on us.
We're back there, "Mama, it's hot!"
She'd be like, "Take it like a man." I'm like, "Bitch, I am a girl."
[audience laughing]
Couple days later, I get to school, and my principal comes up to me.
A big, old, tall man with thick-ass glasses.
Looked like if he couldn't read, he could've made it to the NBA.
[audience laughing]
[Ms. Pat chuckles]
He come up to me, and he was like, "Young lady, I need to speak to you."
So I walk in the office, and, no lie, the police are there,
the counselor's there, my teacher's there, and he's there.
All standing there looking at me. I'm like, "What the fuck's going on?"
'Cause I've been cussing my whole damn life.
[audience laughing]
And he looked at me.
He said, "We notice you got bruises and blisters and burns all on you."
"We want to know what's going on at the house. Are you a cutter?"
I'm like, "Nigga, no."
"I was frying chicken in the chimney."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
He looked at me and said, "Get your Black ass back to class."
[audience laughing]
"I thought you was being abused."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Bitch, I am being abused."
I shouldn't be frying no fucking chicken in no chimney in no fourth grade.
[audience laughing]
Couple days later, I'm sitting in the cafeteria,
my friend's complaining about her mama.
She's like, "My mama ain't shit." I'm like, "My mama ain't shit either."
[audience laughing]
My friend said, "I hear there's a better place we can go to."
I'm like, "A better place?"
[audience laughing]
"Where the fuck this 'better place' at?"
She was like, "It's called juvenile. We just gotta get there."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Well, how do we get there?"
She said, "What you gotta do is you gotta run away,
go to a convenience store and steal something,
and then they're gonna send this white car with red lights on top
to give you a ride."
[audience laughing]
The police.
[audience laughing]
Y'all, I get locked up for running away and stealing at the convenience store.
And no lie, I spent five days in juvenile.
But during that time, I learned a lot.
My first day there, y'all, they ring this bell, like, "Ding-a-ling-a-ling."
"It's chow time."
And no lie, y'all, my c… the lady walked me in this room,
and all these plates were already prepared with food and shit,
and I'm walking with her and I started looking at the plates.
And I noticed stuff I had never seen before.
And I'm like, "Ma'am, what type of meat is that?"
She was like, "Chicken." I'm like, "What type of chicken is that?"
She was like, "Legs and thighs."
And I had never had a leg and thigh, so I asked.
I'm like, "Y'all ain't got no ass and backs?"
[laughter and scattered applause]
'Cause, baby, that's all my mama ever cooked, ass and backs.
[audience laughing]
My mama didn't take us to McDonalds. She made us a six-pack McAss.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Think about it, some of y'all eat your ass unfried.
[audience laughing]
He grew up poor as fuck. You see how he's laughing?
Nigga having flashbacks like, "Damn, Ms. Pat."
[audience laughing]
He's going to check his bank statement to make sure he's all right.
[laughs]
Thank you, brother, for feeling this shit.
[audience laughing]
The next thing I noticed on the plate, it was this rolls-looking thing.
And I pick it up, and I'm like, "Ma'am, what is this?"
She was like, "It's wheat bread."
And y'all, I had never fucking had wheat bread.
I had never seen wheat bread.
So I pick it up. I'm like, "Y'all got nigga bread?"
[audience laughing]
Don't be scared to laugh, white woman. Everybody eats nigga bread now.
The shit is good for you.
You can open your pantry tonight and say, "I got nigga bread."
[audience laughing]
And so do I, goddamn it.
[audience laughing]
I didn't really know how fucked up my life was as a kid, y'all. No lie.
Y'all gotta cut this out, I gotta get these things out my ass.
-[laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]
Nigga, I feel like I got a dildo between my legs.
-[laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]
I'm trying.
And the Blacks are like,
"Look at your pants, Ms. Pat. You got a fat pussy." No, I don't.
-[laughs] -[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Don't worry, they'll cut that shit out.
[audience laughing]
It's TV, goddamn it.
[laughs]
Like, "What the fuck is crawling up my leg?"
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
[chuckles]
I didn't really know how fucked up my life was
until I'm on the phone one day talking to my girlfriend.
We're talking about getting baptized.
I'm like, "Yeah, girl, I've been baptized 25 times."
[audience laughing]
She was like, "25 times? Who the fuck baptized you 25 times?"
I'm like, "How many times you been baptized?"
She was like, "Once, in the name of Jesus."
I'm like, "Well, damn. My mama must have baptized me in her boyfriends' names."
[audience laughing]
Come to find out, y'all, back in the day when I grew up in Atlanta,
if you were having financial problems,
all you had to do was go to your local churches
and join the church and get the kids baptized,
and they would write you a check for your financial problems.
Yeah, but my mama turned that shit into a scheme.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
Nigga, she started getting us baptized two, three times on a Sunday.
[audience laughing]
I remember showing up one time already fucking wet.
[audience laughing]
The pastor was like, "Why are they wet?"
She was like, "Mind your fucking business, we got an appointment to get to."
[audience laughing]
But finally, the Black churches realized my mama was running a scheme,
so she had to go to white churches.
And let me tell you all this.
When my mama discovered white churches and white people and white guilt,
she used the fuck out of your ancestors.
[audience laughing]
My mama would pull up out there with her '64 Chevy,
with all of our five Black asses on the backseat.
She'd turn around, like, "Look here."
"We're going in this church and get these crackers' money."
"Put your slave face on."
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
We'd go in that bitch and rack up.
And my mama knew as soon as they write her that check,
she was going straight to the fucking weed man.
But I liked getting baptized at the white churches, y'all.
'Cause they treat you better.
After you get baptized, they would always take everybody downstairs to the pantry.
But at the white churches, they would give all five kids their own box
and let 'em shop.
Nigga, my mama used to be like, "Fuck 'em up."
-[audience laughing] -[laughs]
The whole time we got our slave face on.
-[laughs] -[audience laughing]
You didn't get that fucking treatment at no Black church, nigga.
You got one box per family.
And it was always that ugly bitch with that synthetic wig on her head
standing at the pantry door, looking at you up and down.
Like, "You ain't gonna say thank you, nigga? I'll take that fucking sugar back."
[audience laughing]
And my mama was part-time handicapped too, y'all.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, she was part-time handicapped.
Her neck was fucked up.
No lie, her neck would just fall over like this.
She'd be like, "Bitch, pick my neck back up."
So we would have to be there to pick her neck back up at all times.
I don't know what was wrong with my mama's neck,
but when I met her, her neck was doing that.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
And I hated my mama's neck, y'all.
'Cause as kids, we couldn't go outside and play
'cause we was always on fucking neck-catching duty.
[audience laughing]
I remember riding in the car with my mama one day.
We were on the way to cash a social security check.
My mama would keep my sister in the back seat and me in the front seat
so she would have 360 neck-catching position.
[audience laughing]
So we're riding in the car on the way to cash her social security check,
and she come up to a railroad track.
And she's like, "Fuck, this fucking train gonna make me miss the goddamn bank."
And she's like, "I'mma beat this train."
I looked at my sister, like, "No, she ain't."
[audience laughing]
No lie, y'all, my mama took that '64 Chevy,
and she hit that fucking gas and hit that first track.
Nigga, her neck fell back…
[audience laughing]
She was like, "Bitch, pick my neck up, the train's coming!"
[audience laughing]
My sister slapped the shit out of that neck.
[audience laughing]
But she hit it too hard and it went into the steering wheel.
[audience laughing]
I lifted my mama's head back up. I didn't position it right, it fell back.
My sister hit that bitch again.
[audience laughing]
Hold on, bitch, this is not baseball.
[audience laughing]
So, finally, I held my mama's head up and we went across the tracks.
My mama pulled over. She's like, "Why you bitches hit me so hard?"
[audience laughing]
Bitch, the train was coming.
[audience laughing]
Let your weak-necked ass get us killed.
[audience laughing]
You wanna hear something crazy?
My fucking sister's neck do the same shit.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I'm not making this shit up. It's called "wry neck." I'm ser--
W-R-Y, you can google it on the internet.
The only other thing to have this shit is chickens.
-[audience laughing] -[laughs]
I don't know if we got it from frying that fucking chicken in the fireplace.
[audience laughing]
But my sister's neck do the same shit, but her neck just lay on her shoulder.
When she lifts that bitch up, it takes off like a water sprinkler.
"Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick."
I'm riding in the car with her one day, me and my daughter,
and my sister's running her mouth and lifted that head up,
and it took off across her shoulder while she's driving.
My daughter's screaming, "Aah!"
[audience laughing]
"Calm down, bitch, she's using her peripheral vision."
"It's gonna come back around."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I can't make this shit up. [chuckles]
I remember when I was little, I heard my mama talking to my aunt on the phone.
She had that long-ass phone cord, and she'll go into the room,
and she closed the door, and she's like, "Girl, I suck good dick."
[audience laughing]
I'm standing outside the door, like, "She's lying."
[audience laughing]
"Mama, stop lying. You go down, who's gonna help you up?"
[audience laughing]
Dick gonna be stuck in your mouth like a thermometer.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
[laughs]
I grew up in a bootleg house the earlier part of my life, y'all.
With my granddaddy.
He sold moonshine and single cigarettes.
That's individual, for white people.
[audience laughing]
And in this house, we saw everything as kids.
I mean, from gambling, to prostitution, to niggas getting shot.
Nothing was off-limits to us as kids.
Two things I remember the most.
One, my mama used to love to shoot craps.
But before she could start craps, she would take her fake leg off
'cause she said a short leg hanging like a soft dick was good luck.
[audience laughing]
Plus, if she threw the dice too far, she'd use her foot
to pull them bitches back in.
[audience laughing, applauding]
The other thing I remember, I had an uncle named Uncle Cecil.
And my Uncle Cecil used to sit by the bootleg house door
and say the same thing to everybody.
"Hey, girl. Give me two nickels. Two nickels make a dime."
But he didn't like dimes.
If you gave him dimes, he'd choke the fuck out of you.
[audience laughing]
Let me explain something about my Uncle Cecil.
My Uncle Cecil suffered from seizures,
he was crippled, and he was also retarded.
Now, calm the fuck down and let me tell you why I use the word "retarded."
He was born in 1932. There was no special needs back then.
He was fucking retarded, okay?
[audience laughing]
So, Atlanta, I'm gonna need you to open your mind with me on this one.
[audience laughing]
My uncle would have two or three seizures a week, y'all.
My granddaddy got tired of that shit, so he came up with this good idea.
He thought if he bought my uncle pussy every Saturday,
it would calm down the amount of seizures that he would have during the week.
Come on, y'all, don't cock block on my Uncle Cecil.
[audience laughing]
He needs love too.
-[audience laughing] -[woman] Yes!
So every Saturday, no lie, it was me and my sister's chores.
We had to go in there and help him get started.
[audience groans]
Shut the fuck up. This is my story, and I'm gonna tell it.
[audience laughing, applauding]
We would walk in the room,
and the prostitute would already be in the bed
with a whole Jackson Five afro on her vagina.
[audience laughing]
Open your mind and you can see it. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
"How you doing today, Miss Betty? We're about to get him ready for you."
[audience laughing]
My uncle would be over there in the corner smiling like a motherfucker.
[audience laughing]
We'd walk up to him, he always had on two belts,
'cause at any time this nigga would have $50 worth of nickels in his pocket.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
We would take them pants off, y'all,
and no lie, they would hit the floor, sound like you working on a chain gang.
[audience laughing]
And no lie…
No lie, my uncle's dick would pop out.
He had the biggest uncircumcised dick I ever seen in my life.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
That he could not control.
[audience laughing]
And a lot of times, that extra skin would hit me and my sister upside the head.
[audience laughing]
We'd be like, "Hold on, Uncle Cecil. Your tip dry, nigga."
[audience laughing]
So we would walk him over to the bed because he was crippled, right?
And by him being crippled, to me, he looked like he walked like a kangaroo.
[audience laughing]
This story is not gonna send you to hell, baby.
[audience laughing]
And we'd throw him in the bed on top of the prostitute,
because he can't get on his knees like regular people can.
'Cause if he do, he gonna look like Free Willy from the back.
[audience laughing]
Me and my sister would get on each end of the bed
while he laid on top of the prostitute.
We would grab him by his ankles and yank his legs apart.
And no lie, the dick would go straight up in the prostitute.
But since he was retarded, we had to motivate him, right?
So we started screaming, "Kangaroo that pussy, Uncle Cecil!"
[audience laughing, applauding]
He'd get about three, four pumps in, we'd go tell Granddaddy,
"Granddaddy, he's back there kangarooing the pussy."
"Can we get our 50 cents so we can go play Pac-Man now?"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
But I gotta keep it real to y'all.
That shit did not help my uncle with his seizures.
[audience laughing]
He still had two, three seizures a week, and my granddaddy would get to screaming,
"Goddammit, Cecil's having another seizure."
"Somebody go get a spoon and stick it in his mouth."
"But not my good spoon, 'cause he gonna chew it up."
"And make sure you set two cold Pepsis by his head,
'cause when he gets through shaking, he'll be thirsty as hell."
And I remember sitting there as a kid thinking to myself,
"They are killing this fucking man."
"He shouldn't have this much pussy and Pepsi in his diet."
[audience laughing]
I don't know who the fuck y'all think y'all came to see.
[audience laughing, applauding]
[cheering and applause]
He passed away when I was 19 years old.
I remember talking to my brother, "How they gonna bury Uncle Cecil?"
He was like, "I don't know." I said, "Me either,
'cause when he lay on his back, his legs be in the air like a bridge."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
My brother was like, "You so stupid."
I said, "I know how." He's like, "How?" I was like, "Duh."
"They gonna cut a hole on each side of the casket,
stick his feet halfway in, and let his legs down."
My brother said, "Bitch, you stupid as fuck."
[audience laughing]
"That is not what they're gonna do."
I'm like, "What are they gonna do?" He was like, "Duh. He was crippled."
"They're gonna lay him on his side and put him in an L-shaped casket."
[audience laughing]
But that's not what happened.
What happened was they broke his legs and laid him straight.
[audience laughing]
That's fucked up a nigga had to die to walk straight.
[audience laughing]
I've been thinking about my Uncle Cecil a lot
'cause as a kid, we helped him get laid a lot, y'all.
I was thinking a couple weeks ago, I was like, "Damn, you know what?"
"All the pussy we helped my Uncle Cecil get,
not one time did my granddaddy ever give us a condom to put on this man."
He was just out here raw-doggin' bitches.
[audience laughing]
All them times he was smiling, we thought he was happy.
He was probably trying to say, "Bitch, my dick's on fire!"
[audience laughing]
I can tell you something.
I've raised four kids and three sets of crack babies,
and two things you cannot stop kids from doing these days.
It's smoking weed and being gay.
[audience laughing]
They love their fucking edibles.
[audience laughing]
I have a 21-year old son who loves to get high, y'all.
He's stupid as fuck when he gets high, too.
I came in the house at 2:30 in the morning.
This nigga is so high, I'm in the doorway, he don't even see me.
He's just standing there with a Chef Boyardee apron and hat on.
[audience laughing]
I don't even know where the fuck he gets this stupid shit from.
And he's got a whole pan of grease on the stove.
Ain't but two damn buffalo wings in the grease.
[audience laughing]
He's flipping the shit like he's cooking for a whole family.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
And I don't say nothing to him
until he started fucking yanking my paper towels off the roll.
And I'm like, "Hold on, nigga. That is not Great Value."
[audience laughing]
"Bitch, that's the quicker picker-upper."
[audience laughing]
You know Brawny, the nigga with the lumberjack shirt on?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
'Cause to me, y'all, that shows you how ungrateful my kids are.
When I was coming up, we didn't have no fucking paper towels.
When my mama fried our chicken backs and ass, she put that shit on newspaper.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
You know how many times I picked up my ass and backs
and all the headlines was on the back of that shit?
[audience laughing]
"Nine niggas killed in Chicago last night." [chomps]
[audience laughing]
Shit like that make me want to vent.
Other shit like that make me want to vent,
and I gotta keep it real 'cause I love everybody.
White women, I love you to death,
but you gotta stop doing nigga shit.
[audience laughing]
Y'all gotta stop going out here buying these nigga-lips, white women.
[audience laughing]
They're too big for your fucking face.
[audience laughing]
If you gonna buy these nigga-lips, you need this African cheekbone.
You're running around with heavy-ass nigga-lips on your face.
Now your eye socket's hanging down. Bitch, you got dry eye.
[audience laughing, applauding]
[chuckles]
Stop that shit!
And they don't look good on your face. They look like swollen pussies.
[audience laughing]
And I'm here to tell you, white men don't like you
sucking their dicks with nigga lips either.
White men like Thin Mints on their dicks.
[audience laughing]
They don't like the lips to be bigger than the dick.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
Stick to the shit you know, white women. Your shit is fake titties.
You've been getting that shit since middle school.
[audience laughing]
I'll tell you somebody who will fuck up some fake titties is Black women.
'Cause, nigga, whoever do our hair is gonna do our titties.
[audience laughing]
Wigs and titties for $89.
[audience laughing]
But I'll tell you what I do love.
I love when white people adopt Black kids.
I think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world
to bring that type of diversity into your household.
But I gotta keep it real with you.
White people, some Black people get mad when they see you with them Black kids.
And I tell 'em, "Shut the fuck up, bitch. You ain't know that nigga."
[audience laughing]
You probably ain't got your own fucking kids.
[audience laughing]
And I will admit, I do get a little upset
when I see you white women at Target with your new Black babies in the buggy,
and the fucking baby's mouth is so ashy, it looks like he just ate a cocaine cake.
[audience laughing]
But me being the Black mama I am,
I know exactly what to do with that Black baby.
I just walk up to him…
[grunts]
[audience laughing]
Knock the ash off that nigga.
[audience laughing]
But it made me think, right. I'm like, you know what?
White people always go on out here and adopt Black kids.
But let me ask you something, the few white people that are here.
[audience laughing]
I ain't trying to pick on nobody, but let me ask you.
Have y'all noticed that we don't fuck with y'all kids?
[audience laughing]
Not because we're racist or no shit like that.
We don't fuck with white kids because it costs too much.
We're not about to go out here and adopt no white child.
Now we gotta start buying Lubriderm lotion.
[audience laughing]
Nigga, cocoa butter costs three dollars.
You can't put that greasy shit on no white kid
and send him outside in the sun.
[audience laughing]
He'll catch on fire.
[audience laughing]
Now you're in jail for a hate crime.
[audience laughing]
All you were trying to do is just oil Timmy Tim's ass up.
[audience laughing]
But it made me think. I said, "You know what, Black women?"
"If we would start adopting more white kids,
we could solve a problem in this country
that the government acts like they don't know how to solve."
Which is…
school shootings.
Now, get our crimes right.
We do drive-bys, we don't fuck with schools.
[audience laughing]
'Cause you can't shoot up no school when you got no Black mama.
She'll come up to that bitch and interrupt that school shooting.
[audience laughing]
A Black mama will come to that fucking school
with a bonnet on her head…
That's a hair wrap. [chuckles]
…and that crop top shirt on,
with them fucking jogging pants with "Juicy" on the back of her ass.
[audience laughing]
And them dirty-ass UGG boots on.
Screaming to the top of her lungs, "Charles Craig Junior the Third!"
"I know you ain't up here wasting my motherfucking bullets."
[audience laughing]
"Do you think bullets grow on trees?"
"You an old selfish-ass white nigga."
[audience laughing]
"Knew you was full of shit when you walked out this morning
with that damn trench coat on."
[audience laughing]
"And I know you didn't think I was gonna read that shitty-ass manifesto
you left behind."
[audience laughing]
They write down why they kill.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
But I want y'all to think about this, Black people.
They're always going out here and adopting our fucking kids,
and they end up with some good shit.
Like The Blind Side.
[audience laughing]
The Blind Side, the big nigga walking down the street,
the white woman pick him up, turn him into an NFL player.
All I'm saying is, don't y'all want an Eminem?
[audience laughing]
Better take your ass to a white trash auction.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Yeah, I said it. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I'm going to me one with a hockey stick in my hand.
[audience laughing]
Walk up on me a white kid. "Hey, white nigga, can you rap?"
[audience laughing]
"Let me hear you sing 'My Name Is.'"
[audience laughing]
"Can the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
[audience laughing]
"Oh, fuck it, you can't… you can't rap. Can you play hockey?"
[audience laughing]
"Can you drive fast?"
[audience laughing]
NASCAR.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
You always have one white kid stand up, "I can play basketball."
-I'll be like, "Sit your ass down." -[audience laughing]
Y'all ain't been shit since Larry Bird.
[audience laughing]
Larry Bird, that white Michael Jordan.
[audience laughing]
Come on, goddammit, we ain't that young.
[audience laughing]
[sighs]
My oldest daughter is gay as fuck, y'all.
[cheering]
[scattered applause]
She'll eat everybody in here.
[audience laughing]
I ain't gonna lie, y'all, my baby eats so much pussy, we call her Ms. Pac-Man.
-[audience laughing] -[laughs]
But I should have known she was gonna be different, y'all,
the day my baby daddy's wife knocked on my door.
[audience laughing]
She knocked on the door and asked for me by name.
I'm like, "That's me."
She's like, "I'm here to tell you you're sleeping with my husband."
That fucked me up.
I'm like, "Hold on, how am I sleeping with your husband?"
"He gotta be your boyfriend first,
so technically, you're sleeping with my man."
[audience laughing]
She was like, "How old are you?" I'm like, "13."
She was like, "Come outside, let me talk to you."
So I walk outside, I'm talking to her,
we're standing on the corner, I'm five months pregnant by her husband.
The ice cream man comes down the street. She was like, "You want ice cream?"
I'm like, "Hell yeah, me and your step-child are hot."
[audience laughing]
Open your mind, this shit is funny.
[audience laughing]
She went on to ask me to have an abortion.
I'm like, "For a Bomb Pop, bitch?"
[audience laughing]
All she bought me was one fucking Bomb Pop.
I'm like, "You ain't gonna buy me no box of Bomb Pops, bitch?"
[audience laughing]
I said, "Fuck it." I kept my child.
And now my kids' father acts like he don't remember the age difference.
When I met him, I was 12 and he was 21 and he was married.
Fuck you. Mind your business.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
He wants to tell me, "You know damn well I didn't know you were that young."
I'm like, "Oh, nigga, you got amnesia now?"
"'Cause, bitch, you was picking me up at an elementary school."
[audience laughing]
"The fuck you thought I was? The cafeteria lady?"
[audience laughing]
The only motherfucker in elementary whose boyfriend got a car.
[audience laughing]
I'm looking around at my friends, like,
"Y'all boyfriends need to get the fuck off these bicycles."
[audience laughing]
[applause]
My friend was like, "No, that old nigga needs to stop picking you up so much."
[audience laughing]
So I get pregnant at 13, and I go into labor at 14.
I wake my mama up one morning about four o’clock in the morning.
I'm like, "Mama, my damn stomach is hurting."
My mama jumps out of bed, out of a deep sleep.
She's pissed off, her little short leg hanging like a soft dick.
[audience laughing]
She started screaming, "A nigga can't get no sleep around here!"
She goes over and wakes up my sister.
She was like, "Get your ass up and go up to the payphone,"
we didn't have a home phone,
"and call 911 so they can come get her ass and I can go back to sleep."
[audience laughing]
Fuck, y'all. Don't judge my mama. She didn't feel like riding that night.
[audience laughing]
My sister goes up to the payphone, she calls 911, she comes back.
Within five minutes, they're beating on the door, "Bam, bam."
"Is the baby born?" I'm like, "The baby born?"
This bitch done told the people the baby came out.
[audience laughing]
I open the door. I'm like, "No, sir, I'm just having pains."
He was like, "Can you walk to the ambulance?" I'm like, "Yeah."
I walked to the ambulance. No lie, y'all.
He opened the door, it's another nigga already on the stretcher.
What happened was, he said, around the corner from me,
somebody got stabbed in the shoulder.
And when my call came in, they swooped around and got me.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
But since I was in more pain than him,
they made him get up and put me on the stretcher.
[audience laughing]
On the way to the hospital, I get a contraction.
This nigga gonna grab my hand, "Breathe, baby, breathe."
-I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?" -[audience laughing]
I get to the hospital, y'all. I give birth to a nine-pound little girl.
And I gotta keep it real with you. I was not trying to have no fucking baby.
All I wanted was a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid
with a real birth certificate.
[audience laughing]
This old nigga done put a whole baby off in my ass.
I give birth. Two hours later, the nurse came back.
She was like, "Ma'am, you need to feed the baby."
I'm like, "With what?"
-[audience laughing] -She's like, "With your titty."
I'm 14 years old. I don't know shit about no damn breastfeeding.
So I just picked my whole titty up and dropped it in my daughter's face.
[audience laughing]
About to smother the shit out of her.
[audience laughing]
I look up at the nurse, I'm like, "Nurse, I don't think she likes titties."
[audience laughing]
The nurse was like, "What are you doing?"
"You gotta put the nipple in the baby's mouth."
I was like, "Oh. Okay."
I put my nipple in my daughter's mouth, y'all,
and she clamped down on that bitch.
I'm like, "Uh, nurse, I ain't gonna be able to do this shit."
[audience laughing]
She was like, "Why?" I said, "Shit."
"You suck my titty, that's my hot spot. You gotta fuck me."
[audience laughing]
[applause]
Do y'all know my daughter ain't stopped sucking titties yet?
[audience laughing]
Breastfeeding made my baby gay.
[audience laughing]
She's gay as hell. Every time I go over to her house, there's a new girl.
I try to tell these hos,
"Don't fuck with my daughter. She's gonna eat you and leave you."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I'm like, "Bitch, she's gonna treat you like takeout."
-[audience laughing] -[laughs]
My daughter's like, "Mama, you need to mind your business."
"Me and my girlfriend gonna go to the store. Wait at the house."
And I'm sitting at her house, and I'm thinking to myself,
"My daughter is gay as fuck."
"What these two carpet-crunching bitches be doin'?"
[audience laughing]
And the reason why I call them "carpet-crunching"
is 'cause I assume when two Black vaginas get together,
it sounds like you're stepping on a bag of Doritos.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Can you spread some of that shit over here, sir?
[audience laughing]
That's what it sounds like when I got an afro down there. "Rrrrr."
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
So I decided to be nosy, right?
And I go to her closet.
And that day, I learned that all gay women got the same shit in their closet
on the top shelf, on the left-hand side.
[audience laughing]
And it's called a dick box.
[audience laughing]
Y'all, and I fucked around and knocked that dick box down,
and all them dicks fell out with them suction-cup nuts on 'em.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Nigga, that shit hit that linoleum floor.
I look back, them dicks just waving side to side.
[audience laughing]
Like they're at a fucking used car lot.
[audience laughing]
Do you know how hard it is to pull suction cup dicks
up off a linoleum floor?
[audience laughing]
You can't just pull them dicks up. I had to slide 'em to the carpet.
[audience laughing]
Like dead bodies.
[audience laughing]
Gay as hell. [chuckles]
No lie, we went on a mother-daughter trip to New York one time.
Just me and her, come back in from shopping all day.
I'm looking in her book bag for my keys, right?
At the bottom of her book bag, on a mother-daughter trip,
I pull out her strap-on connected to a karate belt.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Why the hell would you bring your strap-on on a mother-daughter trip?"
She gonna look at me, "Mama, in case I gotta dick these bitches down."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "But it's just me and you."
[audience laughing]
"You gonna fuck your mama?"
[audience laughing]
Scared the shit out of me. I slept with one eye open.
[audience laughing]
Oh baby, ain't nobody about to take advantage of me with no cold dick.
[audience laughing]
[scoffs] I don't even like my food cold.
I like to feel them hot nutsacks hit the back of my ass.
[laughter and scattered applause]
Shit. I'm a grown-ass woman.
I like them grown nuts that come up between your legs.
You gotta hit 'em back like tennis.
[audience laughing]
Mm-mm.
One thing I know about being a gay parent,
you gotta have them fucking gay parent conversations when they come out.
And the first thing they say is, "I was born gay."
I say, "Look here, I love you to death, I don't know how the fuck you got gay,
but if you eat pussy like your real daddy do, you are a hero!"
[laughter and scattered applause]
"Mama, you're always making jokes. I was born gay."
I said, "Look, bitch, you was not gay on that fucking ultrasound."
[audience laughing]
"I don't have one picture of you doing this shit. Not one."
[audience laughing, applauding]
[cheering and groaning]
[audience member] Oh shit.
[audience laughing]
But I ain't gonna lie, y'all. As a gay parent, it do make you think,
"How the fuck did my baby get gay?" You know?
Did I eat too much hot sauce?
[audience laughing]
Did I fall down some stairs?
[audience laughing]
Did she lick me on the way out?
[laughter and scattered applause]
That was a strong one. I'll give you a second.
[audience laughing]
I'm just wondering. [chuckles]
But I can tell you this, y'all.
I can talk about my gay child all the fuck I want to,
but can't nobody else talk about my fucking gay baby. That's my gay baby.
Thank you. Thank you, gay people.
[audience cheering, applauding]
And I ain't even gonna lie 'cause I'm an honest motherfucker.
When she first came out, y'all, I was embarrassed.
My girlfriend came over,
"Oh my God, Pat, your daughter is gay? I know you're embarrassed."
"I'd be embarrassed. I know how you feel. You're embarrassed as shit."
I'm like, "Bitch, your daughter is a ho."
[audience laughing]
"At least my daughter knows where her dick's at."
"On the top shelf, on the left-hand side."
[audience laughing, applauding]
If you don't take shit away from this show tonight, I hope you take one thing.
Learn how to take the darkest shit in your life
and turn that shit into laughter.
'Cause when you can laugh at it, that means you got control of it.
I don't give a fuck if somebody stuck their thumb up your ass
when you were little.
If he didn't get past the knuckle, nigga, you won.
[audience laughing]
Atlanta, thank you so much. I've been Ms. Pat.
Thank you.
[audience cheering, applauding]
["Bad Girl" playing]
Oy vey. And up.
Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it.