[Music]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Hi, Kelly McFarland? My name's Corey.
I got your name from Leah Colson down the street.
Jim from the Rotary Club sent me. You know Jim, right?
Yeah.
I came by today, taking a moment of your precious time, because your friend
did not want you to miss out on a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The Sebi 570.
I can read your face. Great.
Another door to door salesman.
I already have a vacuum cleaner, Corey!
I know what you're thinking.
All vacuum manufacturers are the same,
and there's no real difference between their products, right?
- I guess. - Well, actually,
that's true.
But Sebi's not a vacuum manufacturer.
It was founded by three rocket scientists
at NASA who built a prototype during their lunch break.
They skipped lunch for four years
until they had a product that they were not only happy with,
but they could deliver to you for the remarkable low price of only $279.99.
The Sebi 570 is not simply a vacuum.
It's an investment in a more promising future,
where the world's problems are solved.
When we all work together.
So Kelly, are you interested?
[door slam]
- Would you take a check? - Absolutely.
- All right. Great!
Wait. I'll be right back.
[jazz music]
So, how'd you do?
Three. Stuck on triples.
How about you?
Four. Almost five.
Man. You're so hot right now.
I'm locked in, brother.
What's your secret?
I don't know.
It's just coming easy.
It's like I see the sale before it even happens.
Like Rajon Rondo reading the 'D.'
I know they want to buy it, and I'm just helping them out.
That's really what it is.
You're just helping them out?
I'm facilitating their future.
You don't believe me, but it's true.
Look who it is over here.
America's favorite salesman coming in here!
Is that my buddy? Is that C-Rod?
- Boom! - Look at that face.
- Look at that smile.
Somebody had a good day.
Man, you know I had a good day.
I always have a good day.
Let's start. I have one order.
Two orders.
Three orders.
Umm, actually... I just had three.
You actually really had me there.
I was feeling bad about myself.
Yeah, man. Hey man, let's get a table!
So you probably noticed that I haven't been
hanging out after work on Thursdays recently?
- No. -No.
Really??
Well, I haven't.
I've been taking a poetry class.
[Corey and Will laugh]
For real.
My first reading is tomorrow night.
You're both invited.
Why didn't you tell us before?
I don't know.
I thought I might quit to be honest.
Poetry?!
Yeah, I've been getting into it.
I've been looking for something.
Something more than just making sales and drinking beer, you know?
[Will scoffs]
So I figured I'd try poetry.
And it's been hard,
but good. Finding words you believe in... Express how you feel?
It's way harder than making a sales pitch.
I'm going to be nervous.
So I appreciate it if you guys both came.
Man, you know we'll be there.
Uhh, will the poems rhyme?
No.
So this is like a real cultural experience type thing?
You're not going to understand everything.
Just do your best.
What pentameter you gonna be in?
OK, now, just stop.
Acting like he knows what a pentameter is.
You don't know anything about a pentameter!
- I know haikus, baby! - What is it?
5-7-5.
OK.
I'm proud of you.
We'll be there with bells on. To honor our friend--
The next Shel Silverstein!
Yeah, let's go man!
[sounds of laughter]
I'm starving!
[more laughter]
I'll see you all tomorrow, alright?
Alright man. Later.
See you tomorrow!
[music]
Fuck.
[TV plays]
Will? Is that you?
Yeah, ma.
I'm glad you're home, honey.
I missed you.
Thanks, Mom.
[TV plays] [music fades out]
Today's product: Blade Co. knife sets.
These things are great.
They chop, they cleave, they dice.
Your goal is to sell one an hour.
But before we get into all that,
you may have noticed we have a new member of the team.
Hi, I'm Tooky. Excited to be here.
Well, introduce yourselves!
[they all talk over each other]
Great, OK.
Now, which one of you are going to take her out for training?
You like this job?
Why?
'Cause sales has been great to me.
Whether you make it or not in this business... All depends on you.
You control your own schedule.
Your hours.
There's not a lot of places like that anymore.
Plus, I get to work with my best friends.
How about you?
What got you into it?
This is the only job that brought me in for an interview.
Hmm.
I was going to New England School of Design for college.
Oh yeah? Never heard of it.
They don't exist anymore.
They folded my junior year, so I have a lot of student loan debt and no degree.
Damn.
I figure if I could start paying them back now,
the loan companies will try and keep me alive,
until I give them everything I owe.
Which should be about the time I turn 93.
At least you got a plan, right?
Yeah, I got it all figured out.
How you doing today, ma'am?
Get lost.
[door slams]
It happens.
So you went to New England School of Design?
Yeah.
So you're like an artist?!
I don't know. I guess.
Cool.
I've been getting into art myself lately.
Taking a poetry class.
Oh, good for you! I love poetry!
Really?
My class is having its first reading tonight,
If you're interested.
Uhh,
nah, I'm good.
Okay.
Can I help you?
How are you this morning? My name is Orlando and this is Tooky.
Orlando??
Your last name is Baxter.
Landy!!
It's me, Sharla Paige!
Let's go.
Oh, no no no...
Come on in.
Please do come in.
So.
What are you selling?
I'm not selling anything.
What I do have is an opportunity that might suit your needs.
How often do you cook meals at home?
I'm sorry. This is hilarious.
See, me and Landy used to date in high school,
and he used to always say he was gonna be the best salesman in the country.
Ain't that right?
And I was like, babe, that's great.
But maybe you should sell your self on doing your homework from time to time.
Come to class before lunch, maybe??
As you can see, I've done quite well for myself.
I've done well for myself, too.
I didn't mean it like that.
I was just explaining to her the situation.
Tooky, would you like a glass of iced tea?
No, thank you.
No?!
Clearly he's training you.
Listen, saying no to a potential client?!
Bad technique. Not good.
I insist.
Hector.
Yes, dear.
Three iced teas.
Okay.
Anyways, as I was saying--
You know something funny?
I worked the trading desk at Goldman Sachs
for 20 years, so I guess in a sense, I became a salesman too.
Maybe that was your influence.
I doubt it.
Sales at that level,
it's a whole different arena.
That's the big leagues there.
And I was like Blake Griffin just dunking on fools until I make partner.
You know, if you ever want a real challenge
for a change, do something important.
You should try it.
I am important.
I've been the top seller at my company for the last 11 months.
Cute. Selling what?
Diet pills? Tupperware? Big Mouth Billy Bass?
Honey, what you do is not important.
It just fills people's beautiful homes with junk.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm out.
Why? So soon?
Nice to meet you.
But you haven't made your pitch yet.
Here's my pitch.
And you better not have gotten me off my hot streak.
You've been off your hot streak.
Who's that, babe?
Oh, nobody.
But I'm going to need you to drink all three of those yourself.
OK.
Don't be wasteful.
I mean, this is not your average day-to-day knife set.
Yeah.
You know how I know?
The weight.
Mmhmm.
It's fantastic.
It's like a sparrow's wing.
Yeah.
This is, uh...
Japan--
Japanese steel?
Yeah. You're gonna take one, right?
Absolutely.
Great.
Let me get some cash.
Okay.
You know, Corey, I might actually have a little business proposition for you.
Come here.
Nah, man...
Come on. Come on, bud.
I'm all set, man.
I promise it's worth your time, Corey.
Okay...
It's gonna be worth your time, buddy.
I promise you that.
You know, it's funny, you are a very good salesman.
And I assume you need stuff to sell.
And here I am, with some very good stuff, and no clue how to sell it.
The Life Tendrils?
It's my book.
Bob Donnelly.
That's me.
What's it about?
Corey...
What's a map about?
Is it about anything, or does it take you where you need to go?
Inside this book, you'll find life observations,
The secret to living a fulfilling existence in an otherwise very dark world.
It's really good.
And I was hoping you would sell it for me...?
Oh no, I don't make decisions like that.
You got to talk to my boss, Tony.
Let's call him.
He's really busy.
He's busy.
- Yeah. - Well, you're busy. I'm busy, Corey.
We're all busy.
Yeah.
Too busy for the phone, though, huh?
How about this?
Give me his email.
No, man, I don't know about that.
You know, it's just--
Corey, I respect you too much to waste your time--
Okay.
I could tell when you walked in here: you're an alpha.
I'm an alpha. Okay?
- Yeah. - Alpha-to-alpha.
This is a good deal for you.
- Okay. - How about this?
I know what gets you going. 40 bucks?
40 bucks for what?
You give me his email.
40 bucks for an email.
Oh. Alright.
- Yes! - Alright, okay.
Alright, alright, alright.
We got a deal, my friend.
And listen to me, listen to this...
- Yeah. - Because you're such a good guy.
One free copy.
Listen, thank you. But no thank you.
- I appreciate the book. - Take the book!
- I appreciate your offer-- - And I appreciate you taking it.
- Thank you. - No, you should take it. Corey!
- Listen-- -Take the fucking book. Take the fucking book.
- Thank you. - Thank you!
Alright. Okay...
Let me get the cash.
Yeah, cool. Sounds good. Get off me...
It was Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe...To my heart!
Why do I fall for men in art?
[poem continues in background]
Yo!
Yo, what's up...
This is great.
I'm so nervous right now, man.
Look at my hands.
Put your hands away, man.
You'll be fine.
Yo, Will texted me.
He's not going to be able to make it.
His dad took a turn for the worse.
- Really? - Yeah.
Damn.
- So I think if, uh-- - [crowd begins to snap]
[crowd continues to snap]
Eva, thank you.
Truly moving words.
Next up, we have Chris Tabb.
[crowd snaps]
Orlando. Hey!
[romantic music plays]
So excited to hear you read.
He's never even shared in class before.
Hi, I'm Corey.
Hi. Nina.
Ah-hem!!
I think I'm going to be sick.
Yeah.
He's resting.
Thanks...
[labored breathing]
Dad?
- Who's there? - It's Will.
Will Smith?
No your son.
Oh.
I loved him in 'Men in Black.'
Yeah, me too.
So what are you doing here?
They said you took a turn for the worse.
I came as soon as I could.
Is there anything you need?
Come closer.
Yeah?
Closer.
What is it?
Keep breathing on me. It smells good.
Yeah, I had an Altoid on the way in.
Oh, it's nice.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
[breathing deeply]
I know why you're here.
Your mother sent you.
- No. -She's waiting for me to die.
She thinks she's gonna get a nice check.
[coughs]
No, Dad, I came here on my own, okay?
I know we haven't always been close, but I want to make up for lost time.
It's not too late for us to have a relationship, right?
I guess not.
Great. Now what can I do for you?
Is there anything you need to make yourself more comfortable?
Menthol lights.
Okay...
And better nurses.
The one they sent me... They're not...
Are the nurses here mistreating you?
No, they're not attractive.
Ask them:
if Rod Stewart was sick, what nurses would they give him?
So you want the Rod Stewart nurses?
Yeah.
Okay. I'll ask. Anything else?
I-- Nah, it's too big.
Come on, Dad. What is it?
I've been thinking about the firm.
When I die,
Billy Jenkins takes it over.
It's been in the Noonan family for a hundred years.
I always hoped... One day.... You know...
Dad, I'm a salesman, not a lawyer.
I've failed the bar 19 times.
We have law in our blood.
It was Noonans that tried Sacco and Vanzetti in 1921.
You always say that. No one knows what that means.
I knew it was too much to ask.
[door knocks]
Mr. Noonan?
- Billy Jenkins is here to see you. - Send him in.
Jenkins visits you here??
We watch 'Man vs. Food' together.
Alright. I'm taking the bar.
The menthols is fine. Billy!
No, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna study and I'm gonna pass it. For you, Dad.
I'd do anything for you!
You're going down, Jenkins.
Next up, we have Orlando Baxter.
[crowd snaps]
Let's go!
There's a lot of people in here.
Excuse me.
[mic screeches]
You guys have to excuse me. I'm nervous.
But...
[lights buzzing]
[crowd gasps]
In short, what I'm saying,
your profession is the last gasp of a dying society.
You are what America is about.
You are commerce.
Are you even understanding any of this?
- Hi. -Can I help you?
Yes, I'm selling knife sets.
Hey, I know you.
- Corey, right? - Yeah.
- And your name was? - Nina.
Nina!
- How's Orlando? - Orlando? Oh, Orlando's fine.
We gave him some ice and told him to write some poems about it.
- Well, I'm glad he's okay. - Yeah.
What are you selling?
Knife sets.
But since I have you here,
I just want to say I felt like we had a really good connection last night.
The chemistry was real, and it's so random that I see you here
and we're having this free flowing conversation.
I just think we should go out sometime and have drinks together.
Like a date.
Yeah, sure. If you want to call it that.
And you just happened to be in the neighborhood?
I was just around.
Did you stop by the Johnson house before mine?
Yeah. The Johnsons. Nice people.
Well, that house has been vacant for six months.
Well, who was I talking to then?
Sure. OK.
No, I'm serious.
There's somebody in that house. We need to call the cops.
I don't trust smooth talkers like you.
I'm not a smooth talker. Bring a chaperone if you need to.
I'm not trying to trick you into anything. You bring a friend, I bring a friend.
We go out for a few hours, have some drinks.
What's the worst that could happen? At the end of the night,
you have a slightly boring evening?
That's your sales pitch?
Yep. And I didn't even use any great sales tactics either.
I just... If you let me do it over....
If I say yes, will you get off my stoop?
Definitely.
Then yes.
Cool.
I need you to go on a double date with me.
- With who? - Orlando's poetry teacher.
Why don't you just ask him to go?
Because he'll be all weird about it. I really don't want to let him know.
So just go with me.
What's my girl like?
I don't know.
When did you get picky?
I want a good Catholic girl.
- Oh God-- -The kind who likes pizza and brunch...
- Shut up. - Hey Orlando.
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing. What's up? How are you today?
Terrible.
- I was off. Felt discombobulated. - Discom-what?
Probably just all those poetry classes getting to your head.
Just mixing everything up.
No, no. It was Sharla.
Ever since I met her, it messed me up. Got me thinking,
What's the point of door-to-door sales? Does it even matter?
Or are we just filling people's homes with junk?
- [Will laughs] Shut up! - Yeah. I think you need a beer,
to clear your head and settle everything down.
Hey, can I get a beer, buddy?
- Tooky. - Hey guys.
How was your first day of sales? Sell any knives?
Yeah.
How many sets? Like 3? 4?
23, I think.
- [Orlando spits out his beer] - 23?!
Is that good?
Is that good?! That's like four off the record!
She's a natural! Boom!
Tooky, come on up here.
She had the best first day in history.
Give her a nice round of applause.
[they clap]
Tooky, you keep selling like that? You're gonna surpass this man.
Who's that?
That's Brad Mastrangelo!
The best saleman Boston's ever seen.
Legend!
Watching him work was like watching DaVinci
compose one of his operas right before your very eyes.
You keep it up and I'm going to start calling you Brad!
- No, you will not. - No, I will not, ma'am.
[music plays]
Dang it!
Wait, why is she wearing heels?
Hey assholes.
She needs bowling shoes.
Yeah, we're on it.
They smell funny.
Are you serious? I cleaned those shoes myself.
Well, then you did a bad job.
No, they're fine.
See?
Just please put those on.
Can we get another round of beers, please? Thank you.
I thought we were going out-out. Not bowling.
We are out-out.
It's an activity. Every first date needs an activity.
Nina, you're up.
So, I've been developing this new technique.
As soon as a person answers the door, I ask if I can use the bathroom.
Then I find reasons not to leave until they buy something.
Yeah. Can we not talk about work right now?
What do you guys do?
We offer customized retail solutions for everyday people
in the comfort of their own homes.
What does that mean?
We're door-to-door salesman.
What does that mean?
Your turn, Will.
Thanks.
You got a spare?
Wow, OK! You're not bad at this.
- I've dabbled in bowling. - Dabbled??
Yeah, one of my hidden talents.
Interesting. What other hidden talents do you have?
Hey! Take your arm away.
Excuse me??
That's my chaperone.
More like your attack dog.
GRRRRR!
Did you guys see that?
Perfect strike.
Nobody saw it?? OK, I see how it is.
Corey, you're up.
GRRRRRRRR.
REEEOW! REEEEOW!
MEOW!
[Will makes cat sounds]
Don't embarrass yourself. If I hit this: date number two.
You want to grab a drink?
I can't.
Why not?
I got to be up early tomorrow.
I'm teaching college freshmen at 8am.
College freshmen?? They're gonna be out later than you.
I'm telling you no, but we should meet up again. Soon!
Yeah??
Yeah. You enjoyed yourself, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Satisfaction guaranteed, or you get your money back.
That's my promise!
You know who else is having fun?
Who?
Oh! They're getting after it in there. My boy Will!
[they both laugh affectionately]
Oh my God...
Oh shit!
You're awesome.
Promise not to fall in love with me.
Okay.
[offscreen] Will??!
- Who's that?? - It's nobody. We're good.
[offscreen] Sweetheart, is that you?
Oh my God.
Will, honey.
- Oh my God! - [offscreen] Will, honey!
I'm so sorry. He did not tell me he was with someone.
Oh, Madison. Stop! It's--
- Mom!! - Who's that?
It was a girl.
She thought you were my wife. You scared her away!
I'm sorry, dear.
Come back. It was a misunderstanding!
[Madison makes sounds of panic]
[wolf HOWLS]
Did you get her number?
It's okay, Ma.
There's pork chops for you in the fridge.
Thanks.
I saw Dad the other day.
What's he want?!
He's not doing well.
And he wants me to take the bar exam again.
Bar?! You're a salesman.
I know, but I think I might do it.
Well, whatever you decide, I support you.
Thanks, Ma.
Go eat!
Today we have a new product.
Jesus.
This book was written by a local author
and he's agreed to give us a majority of the proceeds.
So if we sell a lot of these, we're going to make huge dough.
I met this guy. He's crazy.
No one's gonna buy them.
[mocking] No one's gonna buy him.
Are you salesmen or aren't you?
Brad Mastrangelo could sell anything:
shoe umbrellas, bags of sand, pre-peeled bananas.
He once sold an AK-47 to the Dalai Lama.
And you're telling me you can't sell a book?
You're right.
Look, I'm not asking you to read it.
We don't have all week.
But, I have written down some major talking points,
so you have something to say:
One: all celebrities are lizard people.
What?!
Two: lizards are using TikTok videos and vape pens to hypnotize our children.
Three: in nine years, the world will be destroyed by a tidal wave.
[Corey groans]
You're gonna do great.
Uhh... Let me show you this part:
And then the lizards remove their spaceships from the Earth's core
and they fly away just before the tidal wave hits...
Uhh...And destroys the planet.
What do you guys think about that?
Wow. That is really weird, right hun?
This can be a great gag gift. Something funny for your co-workers.
Please leave.
Okay.
Do you have anybody else in the area who'd be interested?
Because, neighbors-wise--
- Look we are a religious family. We're not into this sci-fi shit.
- Oh, I'm religious too.
Just anybody else around here you think would want to buy the--
- Don't ever come here again. - Wow.
Okay. Uhh...alright. Thank you for your time.
God bless you. Because--
[door slams]
Hey! Hey! Come here.
What?
Please! Come here.
I want to buy your book.
My wife, she's a little brain-washed. She doesn't get it.
She reads the news, she votes. I'll take a copy.
Uhh...I don't know.
Come on.
The world is fucked. You know it and I know it.
And if it's in print, it's proof.
Uhh...okay, let's do it.
Yes. Thank you, thank you.
This is perfect. You are waking up the world, man.
If you say so.
No, no, don't be humble.
Mmhmm.
You are a patriot. You're like Paul Revere and...
The other guys.
Please. I'm just an everyday door-to-door salesman...
Who does accept cash tips!
Yeah. Yes you do.
I'm not crazy.
It's the world that's crazy.
I'll take two.
Okay...
I want copies for all my grandkids.
Yo, this shit is dope.
Do you take cash?
There's no doubt in my mind, everything you just said is 100% true.
Really?
I saw a lizard person once, in the park over there.
It beckoned me to follow it.
I think it wanted to have sex with me.
[Will laughs]
What's so funny?
Oh! Nothing.
I'm sure it wanted to have sex with you.
Look, this is back when I was 25 pounds lighter. OK, asshole?
So you could take your fat-shaming and go fuck off.
I did not mean-- I will fuck off. I'm sorry--
Hey, but before you do, can I get two copies?
Yo, this book is crazy, man.
This is my best morning of sales ever.
It's like I barely even have to sell anything.
People are just putting money in my hands.
I already made $400 today - straight commission!
$432!
$440.
Damn. She got me, O.
How about you?
Twenty.
$420? That's not bad!
No. Twenty.
20 dollars??
That's like two books.
I'm cold.
There's cold, and then there's arctic.
Yeah, you trying to audition for 'Frozen 3'!
Yeah, what are you, like, uh...
Penguin or something out there in the North Pole, and...
This guy can't sell a book!
It's just not the Orlando I know, man.
It's like, you of all people...
I know. Just every house I go to, I feel the pressure.
And so if you buy this book, it's a really good book.
Umm... The, the--
Font! Is big...
And the pages are nice and...thick!
Are you feeling okay?
- Yeah! - You look like you're going to pass out.
No, no, I'm fine.
I just-- Oh, thank you.
I'll get my mojo back! You guys want to grab some beers tonight?
Uhh, I can't. I got a date.
With who??
A girl! I don't know.
Okay...
I'm studying.
Studying?? For what?
Just...studying.
Who are you guys right now? Tooky??
I have a yoga class and then I'm going to get groceries, pay some bills...
You know, normal adult activities that you guys never seem to bother with.
Fuck.
I guess I'll be drinking alone.
[music]
Wow.
We found another one of your hidden talents, huh?
[they laugh]
Any others you like to share?
Actually...
Check this out.
[Corey groans]
- What the fuck is that? - What do you mean?
It was for Halloween.
I did the costumes and the makeup.
Yeah, but why would you choose this? Why this one?
I did it because I wanted to.
I used to be really into horror makeup and costumes.
Like in the movies.
Yeah, look at the details on this one.
Yeah, I get it. You're talented. It's just...
Stuff like this... It gives me nightmares.
So... like you'll be dreaming about me?
[Corey laughs]
You and Freddy Krueger.
[Nina laughs] OK...
[Freddy voice] Hello Corey.
Oh, God.
Are we giving you nightmares?
Oh my God. You're ridiculous.
[TV cartoons play]
I'm taking the bar again, Dad.
Test is this weekend.
Bye-bye sales life.
I'll be honoring the Noonan family name from now on.
[clears throat] Objection, your honor.
Prosecution moves to acquit.
Hold on, uh...
Objection. Prosecution moves to acquit.
What do you think?
Television.
Yeah?
How do they do it?
It amazed me as a kid.
I figured I'd understand it when I get older.
Now, I'm grown,
I still don't have a clue.
What kind of meds do they have you on?
Ask my nurse,
Randy.
What's that, Mr. Noonan?
Nothing.
Last night, I dreamt me, Randy,
and Farrah Fawcett were doing each other's hair.
What's the difference between a salon and barbershop?
Is it the amount of gel they use?
Can we go back to what I was talking about a second ago?
- Farrah Fawcett? - Becoming a lawyer!
What do you want me to say?
That you're proud of me.
I even understand the picture screen.
That's pixels.
But how do they make it go through the air?
Dad!
Come back when you pass.
I'm tired now.
Okay.
Jenkins, the next time you see me, I'm gonna be your fucking boss.
[music plays]
[sing] Two lizard people, sitting in a tree--
L-I-Z-A-R-D.
Orlando.
Why aren't you working on your opening exercise?
Because the poems aren't coming for me.
Every word I think of feels...
Inefficient.
I mean, detrimental.
I mean, bed.
Just put something on the page.
You might surprise yourself.
Are you coming to our reading tomorrow?
Why not?!
I'm not ready.
Yes, you are.
You're just psyching yourself out.
Corey says that, too.
Corey is my friend that came with me to the last reading.
I know.
He's just like you. Tells it like it is.
- But for me sometimes... - Hold on!
Has he still not told you that we're dating?
Me and Corey have been on several dates. Five, in fact!
He talks about you all the time.
Says you're best friends.
- We are. - And yet he still hasn't told you about me?
Isn't that troublesome?
I mean, strange?
I mean, a little fucked up?
You got me in the doghouse, bro.
It's not cool.
You can't be mad at me. You didn't tell me you were a thing.
Yeah, because you turn it into drama.
I didn't turn it into drama! You turned it into drama.
Alright, let's just take a deep-
Roses are red, violets are blue, I love the teacher and she loves me too.
- Man, shut up! - Come on with that bullshit!
Break it up!
[they argue]
What the hell is going on here? Fighting??
We should be loving, not fighting.
Look what I got!
Munchies!
These are because we are having the best sales month in company history.
You guys are selling your asses off.
Well, most of you...
A lot of it has to do with Tooky.
She is having a rookie year paralleled only to Larry Bird.
You're killing it, Took.
And The Life Tendrils? Selling like hot cakes.
I've even seen people on the street with the outfits from the cover.
- Yeah, -Crazy, right?
So to show his appreciation,
Bob Donnelly has invited Corey and I to a little shindig tonight.
Oh, God. Pass.
No, you will not pass. It's not an option.
That dude creeps me out!
It's a party! There'll be regular people there. You're coming.
And now do you know what it's time for?
Munchies!
Show me the normal ones.
Hey, Bobby!
Tony! Corey! You guys made it.
I've got to show you around.
I need to grab a drink first.
- A little lush! - Yeah. Can be.
Well, you're in luck, because I make the best Moscow mules
this side of St. Petersburg.
- Alrigh then! Let's try 'em. - Let's try 'em!
Recognize these??
Hey, it's our knives!
They are unbelievable.
I use them for everything.
Bob, I got to say, I am really impressed with the turnout.
Tony, please. It is all thanks to you.
I mean, these books? People are loving them.
They're flying out of the boxes. I am making--
No. Don't do this, Bob.
This is not business time.
This is play time.
So I'm going to need you boys to grab your mules. And go mingle!
This is a very cool group.
Get out there. Come on.
And it was, like, so on the money...
So incredibly true. I can't even tell you. It was like--
Can I help you?
I was just trying to see if it was real.
Please! Continue.
I've always said you three? The best posture I've ever seen in my life.
I love to see you three together.
And by the end of the night?
We've all kissed.
Okay? If you haven't kissed each other and I haven't kissed you?
I'm going to be very upset.
Rihanna, Mariah Carey are definitely lizard people.
Beyonce? A lizard person. Kelly Rowland? A lizard person.
Michelle? Now you might find this interesting. Not a lizard person!
That's why Destiny's Child broke up.
Ever since reading the book? I gotta tell you:
I feel fantastic.
I mean, everything I read, it just feels so personal for me--
Are you from around here?
Yeah, I'm from Medford.
Seeing anybody?
Does that answer your question?
Five people!
The fuck you looking at?
- Is this the line for the bathroom? - Yeah.
There's gotta be somewhere else...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Oh shit!
What is this?
Corey??
- Hey. - What are you doing?
I was looking for the bathroom.
Well, then you are very lost, my friend.
All you're going to find here...
Is my cash!
How great is this?
I didn't even see any cash. That's crazy.
You want to know where I got it?
- Where? - It's the members' dues.
It's my whole model.
- Wow. - I sell the book at a loss.
Get the people in the door with the incredible ideas.
And then when their eyes are open to the truth and they want to stick around?
Well, then it's going to be a weekly members' due.
So how much are they paying you?
A lot.
And I'm selling supplements.
The cures for various maladies.
We're talking depression, anxiety, uhh...
- Diarrhea. - Diarrhea!
And very often, an extra loyalty fee proves necessary
when certain members are lacking in conviction.
All told, my friend, we're talking millions.
They're paying you?
No! These are my angels.
They don't have to pay.
This is Jordan.
And here we have... Hel-?
Heather! Heather Weintraub!
We were just...
Well, I'm mentoring them on the body.
Things of that nature.
You're welcome to stick around, Corey...
If you're free?
Yeah. No, no. Thanks man.
Come on, Cor!
- Corey? - That's nasty.
Bye Corey!
We shouldn't sell these books anymore.
Bob is a shady, shady scammer.
I like him.
He's running a cult or something and taking advantage of young women
and probably doing all other kinds of creepy shit.
- How do you know? - Because I saw it myself!
So we just take your word for it?
Because what I see is the money in my bank account.
If I keep paying off my student loans like this.
- I can go on vacation by the time I'm 45. - Where are you thinking?
- Jamaica. - Nice.
Jamaica, mon!
Will, will you get my back here?
Well, I like to think of myself as the type of guy
who takes the high road in these scenarios. But? I agree with Tooky.
We're making great money right now, and
legally speaking, we're not really doing anything wrong.
Seriously?? I'm not even gonna ask Orlando to get my back.
- He's still pouting about yesterday. - Correct.
But also you're my friend.
And in solidarity, I refuse to sell the books as well.
Solidarity!
- You were barely selling any to begin with. - Nevertheless!
Alright, I'll stop selling the book too.
- In solidarity. - Solidarity!
Whatever.
Tooky will keep selling the books and we'll give you something else to sell.
We must have some old inventory around here somewhere.
Ah.
Coolers. 35 cents commission for every one you sell.
Enjoy!
[music]
I got coolers, ya'll. Anybody home?
Anyone? They're orange coolers...
Dammit!
So let me get this straight.
You need water coolers?
6 to 8 of them, probably.
And everybody in here wants more water?
They're dying of thirst.
But you're not interested?
I want water coolers.
I just don't want them from you.
Really?
Is this seat taken?
What does it look like?
[she scoffs]
See ya.
You're Brad Mastrangelo.
Greatest salesman alive.
What are you doing down here amongst the common folk?
Field research.
Most people today, they need the boob tube or some fancy video games
to get their entertainment.
But me? I just go where the people are and watch.
Look at this.
Isn't this wonderful?
I guess.
And as a bonus? Whole bowl of bar nuts: 50 cents.
Hey, I'm a salesman too.
Just on a cold streak right now.
Do you have any tips?
Of course.
Beat it.
What's the trouble?
I've just been stuck in my head.
I was out for nine hours today.
I didn't sell one cooler.
Let me guess.
You're starting to think about things like,
what's the point of door-to-door sales?
- Yes! - Does what we're doing even matter?
Or are we just filling people's houses with worthless crap?
- Exactly. - I've seen this before.
You're having so many thoughts that you're losing sight of the big picture.
You've got to remember,
we're just here to help people!
We're just trying to make their dreams become reality.
Right! We're just helping!
It's like hypnosis.
The only people that get hypnotized are the ones that are willing.
Our customers are the same.
They're hoping we convince them to buy what they want.
And they're Americans, so they want everything.
You're just looking for that simple little push to get them there.
Take my friend Chet, the bartender.
Chet likes his life. Good hours.
Plenty of women.
Free bar nuts.
But things could always be better.
What do you think Chet hates most about his job?
- People who drink too much. - Correct. What else?
Sticky fingers?
No. Chet?
People that don't tip.
He's the only guy behind that bar.
Constantly making drinks.
Anytime that drink doesn't lead to cash, it's taking money out of his pocket.
- Make sense? - Sure.
Now there's a common situation which Chet's two least favorite things
threaten simultaneously.
Chet, tell me if this sounds familiar.
Two drunk people walk up and they order water.
You know you're not gonna get a tip, but you want to keep them hydrated.
You don't want them to get too shitfaced.
So you go over and you pour them the free glasses of H2O
while other orders are standing by.
- Does this ever happen? - Mmhmm.
It might not sound like much, but imagine that happens a few times a night.
Six shifts a week.
It's over a thousand times a year.
It's pretty goddamn annoying, right Chet?
- Well, yeah. - You're a professional.
Why should you have to take care of these self-destructive people?
Not just for free, but at your personal expense?
I shouldn't.
Chet, what if I told you I could alleviate this problem forever-
at the cost of maybe two cocktails?
I'm interested.
Have a barback fill this up.
Set it up down the end of the bar.
Not bad. How much?
$20.
Sold.
Hey, that's my cooler.
Yeah, but I made the sale.
Don't worry, kid. I think your cold streak is coming to an end.
Enjoy my nuts.
You wanna see the biggest houseboat in Boston?
[she laughs]
Wow.
My name is Sasha.
I like to eat fudge.
I love my mommy and my turtle named Fudge.
Very good.
I rhymed "fudge" with "Fudge."
Great! Who's next?
Umm... Okay, Colin, go ahead.
First of all, this one doesn't rhyme.
[the class groans]
I feel like a real dope.
The truth is, I've never been in love before.
That's not an excuse. I'm just saying.
I didn't know that tingle that runs down your spine when the other person looks at you.
Those goose bumps when you wake up, see them asleep at your side,
and realize this is real.
What we have is special.
I was afraid to mess it up because it was powerful.
So I acted like a child.
No offense...
And messed up anyway.
You don't owe anything, but I just had to let you know how I feel.
So if you're not interested, just shut the window and I'll go.
What?
The window.
Oh.
I wrote that poem about me and you.
Yeah, I get it.
Hello?
Oh. Colin helped me with the words.
Don't just stand there.
Are you gonna take him back or not?
I...
I guess I'll give it another try.
[class says 'awwww']
I love love.
I'll give that clown six weeks.
At 9am, I get the call whether I passed the bar.
My whole life could change in three minutes.
Will?
Yeah Ma?
When you're a high-powered, fancy lawyer,
do you think you'll still live with your mother?
Of course, Ma!
[cell phone rings]
8:58! They're early.
Will Noonan speaking!
What?
No.
I'll be there.
Did you pass?
It's Dad.
I'm here. How is he?
His vitals are all over the place. It does not look good.
But, you know...
We knew this was going to happen eventually.
He was a tough, old son-of-a-gun.
If I talk to him, will he understand me?
I don't know.
You should try.
Thanks, Randy.
[Dad is mumbling to himself]
Dad.
Dad, what are you saying?
[he continues to mumble]
Dad on the way here, I got the call that I passed the bar exam.
When they told me, all I could do is picture your face and...
What it might look like if you were proud of me.
I really hope you can hear me, Dad.
I'm gonna take over Noonan & Noonan...
[strange sounds as we disappear into Dad's dreams]
Whoa.
This Schick Styler works so fast. You know what they call it?
The Speed Styler.
And look what else it has.
A concentrator for those tough-to-dry places.
And it's fast!
Farrah Fawcett! I must be in heaven.
Mom?
Are we having spaghetti?
Oh, Mom... And Uncle Larry!
Oh...What--
What are you?
No, stop this. Stop this!
I'm gonna tell Dad! Wake me up! Someone wake--
Come on, Mr. Noonan. Hey, Mr. Noonan!
Mr. Noonan! Come on buddy...
Mr. Noonan. Hey!
Will.
Yeah?
Your mom called your friends and told them what happened.
They came.
Yo. Will.
Thanks for coming, guys.
- I'm so sorry, man. - We love you, bro.
Will?
Who's that??
- Jenkins! - Gentlemen.
Now, I know we're gathered here under unfortunate circumstances,
so my condolences.
But I would also like to say: Congratulations! Because,
once you sign this paperwork,
you become the sole proprietor of Noonan and Noonan.
Just sign here.
And here.
And there.
Initial here... And there... And there.
And one more time here.
And there.
- That was a lot of signatures! - Noonan and Noonan!
Now your father has instructed me to play you this short video.
This is AV club!
Hello, son.
If you're watching this, it means you passed the bar.
Wow.
- Yeah he did! - My boy Will!
Shhh!
You and I didn't talk much when I was alive.
Now, there's so many things I wish I knew.
Like, what's your favorite color?
Blue.
And if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?
I think so.
It's pointless to answer that since I'm dead.
So I'll move on to some things I want to tell you.
First, I'm proud of the man you become.
Second, the firm is under investigation
from the feds, and you're probably gonna go to jail.
Our legal position that taxes are technically "optional"
has not held up like I thought it would.
I guess we should have paid,
any of the several times that the government offered to settle.
Instead, whoever owns Noonan and Noonan after me is really screwed.
I could have let Jenkins take over,
but, you know, he and I have been through so much together.
All those years, you weren't around. Jenkins was by my side.
In the courtroon...
And later, when we partied like there was no tomorrow.
We consumed nightlife like a toothless hobo sucking off a chicken bone.
We have the battle scars and the blood transfusions to prove it.
Right, Jenk?
I bet he's blushing.
I couldn't send Jenkins to prison, son.
So I made you the fall guy instead. I'm sorry.
You're my blood. But Jenkins? Jenkins is my family.
I guess that covers it.
Proud of you... Chicken bone... Fall guy...
Yeah. Best of luck, Will.
Go Pats.
Okay. So. Any questions?
What the fuck??
- You're angry. - We're angry!
Okay, let me explain.
- Your firm has been evading taxes. - My firm?!
Excuse me, let me finish.
Your firm's been evading taxes, which is a very serious offense.
Now you owe 3 million dollars.
3 million dollars?! Are you crazy?
Excuse me! Let me finish.
Due by the end of this week, or you will be arrested.
Oh my God! I'm gonna be sick.
Mr. Jenkins? The movers are here.
Your father has generously arranged to sell his house and assets
to help cover the cost.
Now, this should produce about 1.8 million dollars.
But you're still short 1.2 million dollars.
Do you happen to have 1.2 million dollars?
- No! -Come on, man!
I'm really just talking to Will here.
Maybe, like, 1.1 million?
- No, I only have 100 bucks. - Zero millions.
That's what I guessed. But I did want to assume.
Well, I guess you're fucked.
How is this legal?
I mean, it's all right here in the paperwork.
I'm surprised you didn't read it before you signed it.
You are a lawyer now.
Fuck!
- Can we look at the paperwork again real quick? - No.
You're going to try to rip it up or eat it.
I can't go to prison, man. I'm too pretty for prison.
Legally speaking?
You're not.
It's been nice knowing you, guys.
Promise not to replace me with another token white dude?
Nah, man. We have high standards for our white guys.
Thanks.
He'll need references.
Hold on.
We can't just give up.
So we need a million dollars.
We're salesmen!
Getting money is what we do.
Do you think Brad Mastrangelo would be out drinking right now? No!
He'd be trying to figure out what we need to sell, and who we need to sell it to.
Now who do we know that has that type of money?
Mark Cuban!
I love that guy on Shark Tank!
Someone we actually know.
Mr. Wonderful from Shark Tank!
You don't know him either.
I feel like I do.
Wait!
Bob Donnelly!
I saw it in his bedroom.
He has stacks of cash!
Yes, that's right, Corey!
Listen.
How do we help Bob?
What do you mean?
Sales is like hypnosis.
Bob wants to spend that money,
but he needs us - the professionals! - to point him in the right direction.
Bob's a weird guy.
How do you find out what's worth a million dollars--
to a dude that believes in lizard people?
That's a really good deal on Modelo.
What? We're brainstorming.
You just never see it that low. I'm going to get one after.
Wait, wait, wait. I have an idea. OK?
Lemme-- Can I use this?
Wait a second...
...This side here and we work our way all the way around...
And we have-- Yes!
Every time!
Okay. Alright.
I got an idea. It's crazy, but it could work.
So what we need is the three of us...
Nina!
and one more badass, hall-of-fame...
salesperson.
This is the craziest plan I've ever heard.
Thank you.
It's not a compliment.
You're not selling anything. You're just stealing.
Wrong. We're selling an idea.
Ideas run the world, Tooky.
We can't do this without you. You're the best salesman we know.
Any extra money we make goes towards your student loans.
Think about it: in a few years, when you're a famous designer,
vacationing with your friends in Jamaica, this will be your crazy story
about your days working in sales!
Okay, I'll do it for Jamaica.
[they cheer]
Let's get crazy.
Corey!
Hey! Bob!
- Alright. - Good to see you.
You look so good.
Yeah, thank you. You too!
- Mmm, Corey. - OK, yeah...
You know, when I designed the garb, in my mind's eye--
this is exactly how I pictured it.
Yeah, it feels good.
Well, when the model's perfect.
I'm sorry, is this your friend?
Yeah, this is Will.
- Hi. -Where are my manners?
Will...
- These are very strong bones. - Thanks.
Will, I'm sorry. Do you mind me asking?
Did you ever play water polo?
I always wanted to!
You got the shoulders for it!
Thanks.
This is so fortuitous because we are thinking of starting a water polo team.
And we could use a captain.
- I could be the captain! - You could be the captain!
Let's talk about it over some Moscow mules.
Those mules that you make.
Two captains! Two Moscow mules!
Here we go, boys. Cheers.
Drink up!
Tell me that is not the best mule you've ever had in your mouth?
This mule kicks!
You. Are we having fun?
We're having a great time. I think we're having so much fun--
We should mingle and see what's going on in the rest of the party.
You are so right.
Catch up with you boys later.
Have fun!
This is the basement. Circuit breaker's down there.
Text me when you're in position.
You sure you still want to do this?
What do you mean I'm sure? Yes I'm sure.
I really like Bob. He makes me feel really good.
Bob's a creep!
You want to go to jail? Or you want to go home?
Home.
OK. Let's do it.
Come on, man!
Shut the door.
Shut the door!
[kissing sounds]
You are so hot.
Your tongue is, like, way bigger than my wife's.
Where have you been my whole life?
Medford.
Medford!
[more kissing]
Come on, Will.
Hey, guys.
Why don't we filter in?
It's almost time for our weekly reflection
Come on.
Come on. Don't be shy.
Very good. Hi.
Jodi, hello.
So, how was everybody's week?
Goooood!
Wonderful.
Why don't we begin with our pledge?
The tendrils of life are immaculately designed,
and I am grateful for them.
With Bob's guidance, we shall find our way--
I feel ridiculous.
Don't worry. You look good.
I can't believe I'm gonna break this damn window.
I never committed a crime before my life.
Relax. Tooky just texted--
She's going in!
Now,
how about a big round of applause
for Patti Gould, who got second place in her town's bakeoff this month.
Come on.
Let's hear it for her.
Why don't you tell us, Pat: how many contestants were there?
More than two, I hope...
[everyone laughs]
Patti, we're fucking around.
[knocks at the door]
Hello? Is anyone there?!
Who could that be?
Is anybody in there?
Hello?
Shut the door!
Are you alright?
Thank- Thank- Thank you.
I rang on five doors, but nobody...
- Nobody-- I ran for my life. - What happened?
There's two of them! I didn't...
I didn't see them at first, but I heard them.
They weren't talking. They were making hissing sounds.
And I was walking down the street.
And one of them got up on me and grabbed me and I screamed.
I ran-- I ran, but they followed me.
They're right outside. They looked so terrible.
They had forked tongues and long tails...
and green scaly skin.
Lizard people!
[everyone screams]
Hello?!
- Who's there?? - It's them.
[GROWL]
[everyone screams]
Get out while you still can!
Take me Daddy.
Oh no!
Is it because I'm fat??
[Orlando GROWLS] [the crowd screams]
Orlando! Where's Bob?
[Bob SCREAMS]
Is that blood?
This is bad.
Lizard people!
Hey Corey! We gotta go.
Alright. Coming!
Also, Orlando passed out and Bob needs an ambulance.
What?!
Did I...
Did I get him?!
Uhh...
No.
Fuck!!
Where's Corey?
Don't worry about that right now.
Where is he?
Is it gonna be okay?
Of course it is.
Yeah?
They're going to stitch you right up and give you some nice painkillers.
You're gonna be high as fuck.
That sounds good.
In a couple weeks it'll be like nothing even happened...
This poem is called:
"Wow, that shit was crazy."
[audience snaps]
Blood.
So much blood.
Red, purple, maroon, ochre blood.
In that moment, color seemed crazy.
So vivid and unreal.
Then again,
what is reality?
If you ask 10 people, you'll get 10 answers...
or more, if you let them talk long enough.
Maybe that's what I was thinking
about when I saw the blood.
I don't know.
I felt discombobulated and passed out.
But right before I hit the ground,
I remember wondering,
Why am I lizard?
[the audience snaps and cheers]
Orlando.
Great performance.
I really enjoyed the fact that it didn't rhyme.
Now, before we go over today's products, I have a few bits of housekeeping.
First, I think you noticed that we have a new hire,
now that Will's off lawyering.
Hey, I'm Zach.
Just got my associates from Middlesex CC, excited to get to know you.
Well? Introduce yourselves.
[they all talk over each other]
Great!
Now, Corey, I believe you have an update on Bob's recovery.
Oh yeah, I saw him the other day.
Thank you for the visit, Corey.
But I hate for you to see me like this.
How are you doing?
I'm in agony, Corey.
I can't even feed myself.
Luckily, I was blessed,
with an athletic, powerful physique.
But I've stayed
in peak physical condition.
- Yeah. - So the body?
The body will mend, Corey.
But my ego?
Well, that'll take some time to heal.
You know that cash in my room?
Cash?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cash.
It was stolen the night you were here.
Do you know who stole it?
I've got a pretty good idea, Corey.
Who?
It was those goddamn lizards!
Probably on their spaceship right now,
laughing at me.
Sucking and fucking on top of my money.
Drinking reptile cum and using 20 dollar bills that I earned--
as napkins.
It's enough to make a man sick, Corey.
But they thought they could stop me.
Now that the world knows the lizard menace is real--
now that they know those goddamn scalebacks are out there,
threatening to steal our children?
Well, our membership--
is through the roof.
And the most exciting part?
What do you think, girls? Should we--
Should we show him?
Give him a little sneak peek?
The Life Tendrils 2--
Resurrection.
So it all worked out for Bob?
It all worked out for--
Will?
Hey.
Why aren't you at Noonan and Noonan?
I can't take it anymore.
I've been stuck in an office for two days.
- Ugh. - Yeah!
It's just constantly emails I don't want to answer.
Meetings where nothing gets done.
Long conversations about Netflix shows I've never watched.
Maybe there's more to life than selling stuff and drinking beer. I don't know.
But at least it's an honest living.
Last night, I had a dream about the people in our neighborhoods.
I missed their smiles, their stories,
even the creative ways they tell me to go fuck myself.
That's when I realized:
dammit,
I'm a salesman.
And proud of it, too.
That was poetry.
Bravo, good sir.
Hey, who's that guy?
He's history now that you're back.
What?
Now, let's get out there and have the best sales day ever!
[end music]