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[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Kim McVicar!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
[BASS DRUM BEATS]
♪ Let me see you dance
♪ Oh, boy You're looking right
♪ Your body's just my type
♪ Let's steam it up in here
♪ Let the song Tell you what to do
♪ Get down and rub your ooh
♪ Until you're sweating wet
♪ I'll make you all my pet
♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ It's not cheating When it touches ass
♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Part of the dance So I get a pass
♪ But we are on the stage
♪ So let's fuck it right!
♪ Lick them, stick them Make them, take them
♪ Pop them, drop them Swap them, cup them
♪ Because it's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Part of the dance So I get a pass
♪ Not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Shake those balls And smack that ass
♪ We... not cheating
[BLUBBERING]
♪ Not cheating
♪ Now twerk that dick Twerk that dick
♪ What? Twerk that dick Twerk that dick
♪ What? Twerk it, twerk it, twerk it
♪ Twerk it, twerk that dick Twerk that dick
♪ What? Twerk that dick Twerk that dick
♪ What? Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it, twerk it
♪ Not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ It's not cheating When I nub his shaft
♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Wait
♪ I choreographed it
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Too late It's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You can keep cheering for me. I'm gonna need a water break.
To get started right-- Yeah.
Mm-hm.
People... they're are always like, "Why do you dance in your shows?"
It's the only exercise I get, guys.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Today what you saw, is all my exercise.
Plus, I like having hot guys... grind on me. [CHUCKLES]
And I didn't want to deny you all my '90s dance moves.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, that's a Floss. That's not '90s.
Get it TikTok. What? No. I'm so hip.
No. I'm not.
So good to see people in a room.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, so nice!
It's crazy. I live in California.
-Mm-hm. Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. Yeah.
We were locked up for a year-and-a-half.
You guys were locked up for, what, 30 minutes?
-Right? Whoo, yeah! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Crush it!
Oh, yeah.
It did teach me what I value in life, though.
It really did, the lockdown.
The number one thing that I missed,
I realized, was hanging out with my girlfriends.
Yeah, I miss my girls! You have so many beautiful women here.
I missed-- Oh, I missed the girls.
But most of all, I missed catty bitch time.
Yeah, if you don't know what that is, guys,
it's when a bunch of women get together
and we talk a lot of shit about a lot of people.
It's my favorite thing to do.
But I didn't have that because I was trapped inside a house with my husband.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I had to go to the next best thing.
Instagram...
or, as I like to call it, "instant shame."
[CHUCKLES]
So I was on this bitch's page... she's also my best friend.
Yeah.
And she just had a baby.
And her post was a picture of her face
with two fingers pointing at it.
No baby.
And underneath it read, "Who just had a baby? I just had a baby.
Six hours of quarantine 'cause of Covid but I just had a baby."
And I was like, "No, this is not how you post the picture of your baby."
You show a picture of your goddamn baby.
I was so mad. I just swiped to see what this kid looked like.
And it wasn't even an ugly looking kid. It was a normal looking kid.
I was so mad. This is exactly what I would've had at catty bitch time.
Like, exactly.
But I didn't have that.
So I went over to my husband,
and I was like, "Babe, we've talked about this,
how this pandemic is forcing us to fulfill roles we've never had to fulfill before."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I'm gonna need you to man up right now
and be a bitch."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I showed him the photo.
And he was like, "Oh, what's wrong with that,
she just had a baby. You should say congratulations."
I was like, "No!"
This is not catty-b. Rule one of catty-b is be a "B".
He didn't get it.
He was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Let me try that again."
I was like, you can't apologize when you're in catty bitch time, right?
Well, it's L.A., we're not allowed to do anything.
So he was just like, "Ah, fine, here."
I showed it to him again, he was like,
"Oh, look at that fat, sloppy, dirty whore."
-I was like, "Wow!" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Wow, that is not catty bitch.
That's cunty bitch. Whoa!
My husband makes fun of my Instagram, uh, because I do selfies.
I'm one of those. I do selfies.
And he says that I make this like "ooh face",
this like, oh, like, puckered up lip, like,
"Ooh, do you know what I'm talking about?" Yeah.
And he's like, "Why? Why do you do that?"
I'm like, "Oh, it's just so that everyone who follows me online
knows what a tiny dick I can suck. I can suck such a small little dick.
So small, so small." [EXCLAIMING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Go to "Kim.McVicar" to see how small of a dick I can suck.
Trying to get those followers. No, I'm kidding.
Hm.
Instagram, what a fun thing. [CHUCKLES]
Do you guys just think it's people's vision board? I do.
'Cause none of it's real, everyone filters. It's stupid.
I was like, "I hope I look like I am successful."
Look at all the followers I bought." No, I'm kidding.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Please comment." Uh... [CHUCKLES]
My husband joined a band.
That's the appropriate response to that.
Whew. He joined a band,
and he was genuinely surprised that I wasn't excited about this.
He's like, "Babe, I joined a band."
Okay.
"I'm genuinely surprised you're not more excited."
He thought I was gonna be some groupie
of some middle-aged band with mediocre talent.
I've heard him saying, "It's not good."
I didn't say that to him, though. I didn't.
What I said to him was, "I know what we'll do.
We'll take all that money you're not gonna make in your band.
We'll put it with all the money you never made while you're an actor."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Or a writer or a blogger or a TikTok influencer."
This is what I'm getting at.
What does he think, one day he'll just buy me an imagination house?
It's all right. I'm giving him imagination blowjobs, ladies.
So, it's fair. It's fair.
It's fair.
Some of you might have heard that story before
'cause I do tell a version of it in my first special.
Ah, the reason I'm telling you this is, one,
go fucking watch it if you haven't, it's called, "Please Notice Me."
Shameless plug. Uh, but two...
my husband was at the live taping.
Mm-hm.
And after the show, he came up to me,
and he was like, "Really great job, baby, really great job.
Oh, it's just that I can't believe you told everybody I joined a band."
And I was like, "I can't believe you haven't heard that joke.
I've been telling it for three years. Come to the show!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He was like, "It's not that, it's not that. It's just that...
they kicked me out of the band."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[EXCLAIMING]
After one show, they kicked him out of the band.
[EXHALES]
For three years, I thought my husband was in a band.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because for three years I never asked him about it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
'Cause I didn't want to be invited to a "concert".
And for three years he never told me about it 'cause he knew I'd make fun of him.
I think we stumbled upon the success to marriage, everybody.
Just go with the military, "don't ask, don't tell."
That's how we do it.
No, we are in love. We are in love.
I feel like people are always worried about it.
We're in love, all right? I tell him he's in love with me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I think we're good.
"You love me!"
"Don't forget me."
-No, actually, we just got remarried. -[SCATTERED CLAPPING]
Oh, one clap. Great. Yeah.
It was a dude, too. The dude was like, "I believe in you."
Yeah. I just got remarried. Actually, for the eighth time. No, I'm not lying.
We just got remarried for the eighth time.
'Cause we get remarried every year.
Yeah, 'cause when he proposed to me,
I was like, "Forever... forever, ever, forever? Forever is too long.
It's too long. And I don't know what I'm gonna be like in ten years.
I can't do that. I can't.
So I was like, "How about we just do a one-year contract?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My marriage is like car insurance.
Basically it auto-renews every year.
But you do get an email that can remind you,
you get a new provider if you want.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Plus, then we never fail, right?
Someone's like, "I'm writing this down."
Yeah, we can't fail 'cause we can't get a divorce, right?
Because now it's just, "Oh, we just didn't renew our contract this year.
That's how it works. It's great.
I've gotten married in so many places. I've been married in Hawaii.
I've been married in Ireland in front of a castle.
I've been married in Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower
with a YouTube star on the phone.
And this year we got married in bumper cars.
Yeah, for real. I've got to say it was like one of my favorites.
There's something very beautiful about it,
like pronouncing your love to someone just ramming your vehicle into them.
It's very nice.
I'm gonna say something that's a little bit controversial
in certain parts of America.
Are you ready?
Thank you.
Uh, I think it's time for everyone to go back into work.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. And by everyone, I mean my husband.
-[CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He's been working at home all this period.
Like, I'm very thankful that he got to keep his job during the pandemic.
Very thankful. But it's getting annoying.
Every day he comes down the stairs and tells me about his job.
Humble brag. We have stair money.
What... [CHUCKLES]
He'll say something like, "Babe, I just fixed the RTMP stream
before the Zoom meeting."
"Okay."
"You don't understand how hard that is. You should say good job."
"Okay."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Good job."
Like, he's right. I don't understand how hard it is.
If I'm being completely honest with you,
I don't know what my husband does for a living.
I don't. I just know that he does it in our house.
I don't care what he does for a living, I don't.
As long as he's happy and doesn't talk to me about it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But he does every day. Every day.
Last week, he asked me if I liked his new e-signature.
I don't give a fuck how you sign your emails. Go back to into work!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I am not your work wife.
I'm just your wife-wife.
He needs to go back into work where his work wife Natalie is.
And she can praise him for all the things he's supposedly good at.
Again I don't know what he does for a living,
so I can't say he's good at his job.
Although at a Christmas party once, Natalie told me
how great my husband is at his job.
So, "hashtag believe all women".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I think I've stumbled upon...
I keep saying "stumble" but I really do think
that I have an idea that's going to work for people.
I think that after so many years of marriage,
your spouse should have to get partners
for all the things you don't want to participate in.
-[CLAPPING] -And I say "after so many years"-- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'd like that. Applause break from all the women.
I say that because I think you have to, like, earn the right
not to hang out with your loved ones.
Oh, my husband, he'd have a video gaming wife,
he'd have a sports watching wife.
And a "BJ" husband.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm not doing it. Someone who knows what they're doing, should.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
I used to live out here in Florida.
Cool, you guys don't care. Great. No, that's fine. It's fine.
It's fine.
I was saying I probably slept with half of you, but nope.
All the people I slept with are too scared to come.
Uh, okay.
They're fine.
My friend knew that I was coming out here
and she called me and she was like,
"Kim, if you could go back and fuck all your exes, would you?"
No. Right? No.
She's like, "But you're much better in bed now. You're wiser.
You know what you're doing."
I'm way worse in bed now. Are you kidding me?
In my 20s, I had energy. I was a backup dancer.
My back hurts thinking about things I could have done.
Plus, my moans were on point back then.
"Oh, oh, yeah, Jimmy, harder, yeah!"
Now they're like, "Ow, ow, oh. You know what?
What is it? I need a water break."
Plus, in my 20s, I would lie to men.
I'm like, "Oh, yeah."
Like, if I have fucked you in my 20s, sir, I would be like,
"Oh, yeah, you're so hot. I fucking love that shirt.
Give me all those colors and patterns. Yeah."
Now I'd be like, "Oh, uh, okay. I guess.
Please don't mess with my hair. I just showered."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm really bad in bed, guys. I should tell you that. Really bad in bed.
Oh, so bad. Like the first time I ever tried to have sex with somebody,
I was, like, touching him all over his pants like this.
Just really nubbing the tip.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And he came.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, and he felt so bad about it.
And I was like, "I'm amazing, yeah!"
Check out these jazz hands.
What? Thanks, mom, for all those dance lessons.
Let's level up Flossy style. Oh, what? Oh, yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then we really tried to have sex.
Not the same day. He had had too big a day.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I go over to his house and there's a box of condoms out.
And one is open and out.
And I'm like, "What?" [CHUCKLES]
And he was like a virgin, too.
And he was like, "I just wanted to make sure that I knew what I was doing."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can't we all just time out and admit that this is the most disgusting position...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...a guy could be in
before he mounts somebody?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You look like a fucking ninja turtle without the pizza.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Leave the room, fix the problem.
Come back when you're ready.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I was so naive, so naive, because I was like,
"But how did you, like,
get it up to put on the condom without me in the room?"
Like, without my jazz hands present.
It never dawned on me that guys get erections
without other people in the room.
Because my thought process was like everything's more fun in a group, right?
You guys didn't lose your virginity in a gang bang?
Just me? Cool. Cool. Good to know.
I used to read Cosmomagazines.
Do you remember those?
Oh, yeah, and let me be honest. I didn't read them, I just looked at the pictures.
Probably upside down 'cause I'm dyslexic.
And there was a K-Y jelly ad in there.
-And it had a sample. -WOMAN: Yes.
And I did. This chick is on my '90s vibe.
Uh, and I walk into my mom's room
and I was like, "Mom, check out this new hair gel."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then she was like, "Kimberly, you didn't?"
And I was like, "Of course I did."
I still do. Check out this hold. What? It is so good.
Tampa weather is terrible for frizz.
Plus, I'm always ready now to have sex.
I can just wipe it and swipe it. Let's go!
-Ready! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I never got better at sex, guys.
My whole sexual career. I shouldn't call it a career.
I never made money in it. Uh...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One time I was having sex with a guy.
I don't know why I did it like this.
It's a big dick. Uh...
Yeah. Uh...
Okay, I was having sex with a guy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And uh, the condom broke.
Uh-huh?
I didn't know what to do.
I was on birth control because I've a good mom.
Thanks, Donna. [CHUCKLES]
Like, chanting, "Donna. Yeah, Donna."
Uh, I didn't know what to do. I knew that plan B existed.
But I didn't know much about what it was.
So I went to the emergency room in New York City to get plan B.
The emergency room in New York City.
There are real victims there
with, like, stab wounds, gunshots, like, car accidents.
And I'm just sitting in the waiting room, like...
[SOFTLY] "The condom broke."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The overworked receptionist was like, "Next."
I walk up. She's like, "What are you here for?" I was like, uh...
[SOFTLY] "The condom broke."
And she was like, "Oh, were you raped?"
I was like, "No, no, no! Longtime boyfriend. Longtime boyfriend.
I just I think I need that, like, plan B thing."
And then she looked at me, like, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
But then, like the beautiful Meg Ryan from City of Angels,
she just reached into her pocket and gave me plan B
like it was two women passing a tampon in a bathroom.
It was so beautiful.
I'm gonna start doing that.
Just carrying plan B on me.
Like, "You look sad. Here you go."
Here you go. That's not gonna work that relationship.
You're young. You're just a little 12-year-old.
You're gonna need this one day."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't do that. They're $50 a pop. Fuck you.
She probably never gave me a plan B, guys.
She probably just gave me a Tic Tac.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I probably never had sex, guys.
I don't know.
I have a song for you about it. Do you want to hear it?
-[CLAPPING] -Oh, yeah. Now you have to know
that I'm going back to my country roots.
You know, because I'm so country.
I am not country at all. If you don't know me.
I did a thing on Instagram, I was like, "Do you guys want a country song
on my next comedy special?" And people were like, "Yeah." I think they wanted me to fail.
Uh, it's okay. All right. Hit it, Kenny!
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
All right. This is my country song about why dicks are gross.
They're gross!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ I see you looking at me From across the bar
♪ I made you a drink Think we'll get real far
♪ But there's something You should know Before we get into bed
♪ I suck at sex And I don't give head
♪ I don't want a gross dick Gross dick, gross dick
♪ I don't want A gross dick at all
♪ So I'm gonna lay here Like a dead fish Dead fish, dead fish
♪ Till your dick Gets real small
♪ 'Cause the smaller The better
♪ I ain't getting nowhere
♪ Please just come and go home
♪ Guess I'll start to fake moan Ah, ah, ah
♪ But seriously Are you finished yet?
♪ I don't like a gross dick Gross dick, gross dick
♪ I don't like A gross dick at all
♪ So can you just make it Real quick, real quick real quick
♪ Imagine he had one big ball
♪ What? No, for real
♪ He had one giant ball One tiny testicle
♪ He had two balls This one was huge
♪ Because I don't want Your gross dick Gross dick, gross dick
♪ I don't want Your gross dick at all
♪ Hey, don't touch my hair
♪ Why is your dick square?
♪ It's a small, square dick Square dance, so sing with me
♪ I don't want your gross dick Gross dick, gross dick
♪ I don't want Your gross dick at all
♪ I don't want your gross dick Gross dick, gross dick
♪ I don't want your Gross dick at all ♪
♪ Gross
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
I'd rather dance than suck a dick.
[EXHALES]
Same amount of calories, right? I don't know.
I actually used to be a dance teacher if you couldn't tell.
I just taught little kids how to grind. I'm like, "Twerk it."
[GRUNTS] "Yeah, little kids."
TikTok is my fault.
I was really good at my job, teaching kids how to be sexy, so good at it.
I actually knew when it was time to retire or quit
because a little six-year-old girl came up to me
and she was like, "Miss Kim, do you have any kids?"
And I was like, "Gross. No! No, never. Ugh."
And she was like, "Well, I think you'd make a great stepmom."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She said stepmom!
Like, she looked at me and was like,
"Yeah, you don't look like you can take care of a human being 24/7.
But you do look like you could convince my dad to go to Legoland."
She's not wrong.
Either that or her parents are getting a divorce,
and she's just shopping around for a new mom.
Either way, smartest six-year-old I've ever met.
[EXHALES]
Like I said, California was locked down for, like, almost two years fully.
We weren't allowed do anything. No working--
Well, there was essential jobs, right?
I got so bored that I got an essential job.
I got a job at the Gap.
Why was that essential?
You sell khakis, order them online, nobody cares.
And I haven't had a retail job in a very long time.
Which means I haven't watched a training video
in forever.
They're so different now. Have you guys seen them? They're weird.
They're super woke. So woke.
They wanted to make sure that we knew to, like, identify people properly.
To make everyone feel inclusive, use the proper pronouns
as they came through the store.
And I was like, "Okay, I got this."
I was basically raised by my gay older brother in the '90s.
No problem.
Stand in front of the Gap. I'm in the store,
they're coming in, and I'm like, "Hey, welcome to the Gap.
The men's department upstairs and the women's is behind me."
There's no "them, they" sections at the Gap.
You're not woke. Stop lying to yourselves,
your a company!
And they had this thing called core values.
It's like, I don't know,
it's like a corporate thing where you, like, have to know these,
like, words to live by, I guess.
Number three was, "We always say yes."
I'm sorry.
As a woman, I have a hard time with that.
Law and order SVU taught me that my "no" has value.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was up in the men's department one day
and a guy asked for a BJ, and I did not say yes.
And they had mass training videos and I get we're in a pandemic, I get it.
But it was like what I remember old training videos to be.
It was like an over-chipper actor who just got his first job.
And you had to, like, get the right answer correct
in order to move on to the next thing on the screen.
So it was like, "Hey, what do you do if someone comes in
and they don't want to wear their mask?
Do you, one, block the entrance with your body?
Or two, let them know that we have disposable masks to offer them.
Or three, start videotaping them."
I was like, it's three. It's clearly three.
That's how we handle everything in this world.
I was videotaping that fucking training video.
So stupid.
And I'm sure you've all experienced bad service
in retail at some point in time in your life?
Yes?
I know why now.
It's because all those participation trophy kids
now have jobs,
and they're the managers.
My much younger manager than me came over and he was like,
"Hey, can I ask you to do something?"
"Can I?" I'm sorry.
I'm from a generation where a job
your boss tells you what to do and you do that thing for a paycheck.
That is a job.
He was like, "Oh, you don't have to if you don't want to."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Of course, I don't want to.
Nobody wants to work at the Gap.
What I want is the world to open up again.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I put on my actor panties, and I was like,
"What do you want me to do?"
And he was like,
"Uh, could you fold the shirts in the front of the store?"
Isn't that why you hire people for at the Gap?
Why are you asking me to do that?
I got paid $18 an hour
to do something I do for free at home all the time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Way too much money!
I should say I like their hoodies though.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I really like their hoodies. Gap, I'm really hoping you let me keep my discount.
I like your hoodies and your sweats and leggings, okay.
I have a transgender cat.
Thank you. I'm so brave to tell you how woke I am.
So brave.
No, I do. I have a transgender cat.
Mr. Kitty Kitty.
He's now the cat formerly known as Mister.
I shouldn't have assigned him a gender, that is on me.
I didn't know that at the time, I really didn't.
Uh, but what happened was, he couldn't pee.
Took him to the vet, and he had crystals in his dick.
This is a real thing, a real problem.
And the only way to save my cat's life
was to cut off his dick, and turn him into a woman.
That's a real thing my vet did to my cat.
He cut off his dick and turned him into a woman.
I now have my very own Cat-lyn Jenner.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
I do. I have a Cat-lyn.
I will say that having a transgender cat
is a lot like being raised by a gay older brother.
In that, nobody cares. [CHUCKLES]
Nobody cares, nobody cares if this cat is trans.
It's not like this cat came out in a little lady dress
like my brother Patrick did at my eighth grade graduation.
People noticed that one.
He didn't change up his walks or his meows.
He didn't even change what litterbox he goes to.
And I have another cat who has been female her whole life.
And she has no problem with him switching bathrooms or going back and forth.
What I'm trying to say is cats are way more woke than people.
Way more woke!
And they've never hit somebody with their car and killed them.
My mom says I can be gay now.
Married to man, by the way.
But now I can be gay.
And growing up in the '90s,
I was under the impression that there was only one gay allowed per family.
And that spot was already filled by my brother Patrick.
Very fabulously, by the way. He was so good at it.
And we were very accepting, very, very accepting when he came out.
Like, my family was the house
that other people who weren't accepted in their families would come and live with us.
It was very nice.
I actually think my mom enjoyed the street cred it gave her.
Yeah, people would come over, and the suburban moms would be like,
"Oh, Donna, I love your kitchen's backsplash."
And she'd be like, "Oh, my gay son Patrick did that."
"Donna, I love your outfit."
"Oh, my gay son Patrick picked that out."
"Donna, I love your cheese platter."
"Oh, my gay son Patrick did that."
She didn't call him her gay son, that'd be really fucked up.
She wasn't like, "This is my gay son, this is my straight son,
and this is my daughter, Kimberly."
I only like saying that
'cause I never mention that I also have a sister named Tammy.
Ha-ha! I got you again, Tammy. Ha! Suck it!
She'll never get a joke.
[GIGGLES]
Brings me so much joy, guys. You have no idea.
Such a rivalry. [CHUCKLES]
Anyways, we were like, driving to high school, my mom and I,
and she leans over to me and she's like,
"You know we already have a gay kid, right?"
And I was like, "Yeah, but I'm not gay, mom."
And then it was dropped, right?
And then, years later, my brother died, we'll get into that.
So now, I can be gay, right?
Like, my mom is completely fine with all four of her children being gay.
We just can't be gay at the same time.
Right? Like, her generation is like, one gay kid, super woke,
two gay kids, it's your fault. I don't know.
Maybe that's your generation.
Either way, I have the gay baton right now.
I'm supposed to twirl it over to my brother, Sean,
and he's been in prison, so let's face it,
he's probably already used that stick.
Yeah.
[SIGHING]
I'm just-- I'm debating on--
Do you guys want to get into like, dark comedy?
-AUDIENCE: Yes! -Are you sure? Do you like--
It's so Los Angeles of me to be like, "Do you guys want rape jokes?"
I should be like, "Just take these rape jokes!
It's a rape joke. Don't ask permission!"
I don't have rape jokes, guys.
This was just a test to see if you actually wanted dark comedy.
Half of you passed.
The other half just jumped on board. [CHUCKLES]
Or not, we'll see.
Like I said, my brother passed away of A-I-D-S.
I find it's easier for people to digest it if I spell it for you.
It's actually more fun if we chant it.
-Give me an "A"! -AUDIENCE: "A"!
-Give me an "I"! -AUDIENCE: "I"!
-Give me a "D"! -AUDIENCE: "D"!
-Give me an "S"! -AUDIENCE: "S"
What's that spell?
AUDIENCE: AIDS!
-What was incurable? -AUDIENCE: AIDS.
-What did he have? -AUDIENCE: AIDS.
Where did he go? Nobody knows because I don't believe in an afterlife.
Patrick would've fucking loved you for doing that, by the way.
He would've loved you.
And if you didn't, you're never gonna get the opportunity to again.
You missed it.
You're not gonna go out on the street and someone's like,
"Give me an 'A'".
It's such a word that people are so afraid to talk about.
That's why I like chanting it, 'cause everyone's so afraid
of all of the STD words, right? And AIDS is like the...
And I think it's stupid, okay.
Because there's like actually really beautiful moments that happened.
Like for one, we knew it was coming.
So we got to say goodbye. We got to have closure.
Not everybody gets that with their loved ones.
We also got to sit down and talk to him
and he told me he was going to stick it to all the people that he hated.
Which is nice to know you can leave that way, right?
I never thought about just being an asshole to that bitch I hate.
Like, what?
Hopefully, he wore a condom, but that's on him.
And I sat down with him
to talk about his afterlife.
And at first, I was afraid.
I was petrified.
Kept thinking-- I'm not singing, you guys.
That song... Not singing it.
No, my brother, he didn't want a funeral.
He wanted a celebration of life.
So gay!
Hm. Yes! So gay. Celebration of life! Yes!
And we gave him everything that he wanted. Everything that he wanted.
I mean, he's my brother, I love him to death.
Okay. I didn't love my brother to death,
AIDS loved my brother to death.
I just loved my brother.
He wanted to have his celebration of life
at his favorite gay karaoke bar in Toronto.
And if you've never been to a place like this,
there's like a bunch of men
on go-go stands up here, go-go dancing in G-strings,
while other men test the merchandize, if you know what I mean.
It's one of those places.
And we rented out the back room,
no pun intended, that's just really what we did.
And I go in with my mom,
who is obviously upset, her son just passed away.
We get into the back,
and there are giant dick statues everywhere.
Like, I'm talking down to the floor all the way up to the ceiling--
Huge dick statues, and I just lose it.
I start laughing. I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha.
Oh! I see what you did here, man! I see what you did."
He had his funeral at a place people had to go to.
My mom's suburban friends had to go to support my mom.
These are people who have never been to a gay bar before.
I was just taking pictures with Connie with a giant dick behind her.
Like, ha-ha! Gotcha! Ha-ha.
Yes!
Like, the only way I could beat my brother at a funeral
is if I had mine at an orgy.
Right? My uncle will be like, "Yeah, let's go!"
And my aunt will be like, "I don't know, I guess I'll bring flowers."
Why do we do that? Why do we bring flowers to funerals?
Here's something that's gonna pass away in two weeks
to remind you of what you've just been through.
Stop doing it! Stop! Just Venmo them, it's fine.
And like I said, we knew that he was going to die.
So he gave me all his passwords to stuff.
So I created a Facebook e-vite.
And this was back when Facebook was called Facebook.
[CHUCKLES]
And I invited everyone
in his thing, called it a "Celebration of Life",
'cause there's probably people I don't know in his life, so I invited everybody.
So we're at his funeral, and this guy comes in.
And he comes up to me and he goes,
"Where's Patrick, where's the birthday boy?"
Celebration of Life.
Before I could say anything to him,
he was like, "I was talking to him online,
and he stopped talking back to me two weeks ago,
I thought he was ghosting me."
[EXHALES]
I am not the right person in this moment.
My brother just passed away, I'm upset.
Also, I'm me, you know me now. [CHUCKLES]
I looked at him and I was like,
"You were ghosted.
You might say you were ghosted,
you were like, originally ghosted, ay!
Patrick passed away, I'm so sorry, here's two drink tickets."
I just walked away 'cause that's how I handle everything in life.
I'm like, "Just drink! It'll be okay, forget about it!"
Also, that was how Patrick was too.
So if you have a drink right now,
have a drink for Patrick, let's do it!
Yeah, put your glasses up for Patrick.
[APPLAUSE]
Man, he loved to party. So do I.
So let's party! Hit it, Kenny!
-[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] -Yeah! [GRUNTS] What!
♪ Drink, drink, drink Drunk, drunk, drunk
♪ Everybody It's time to get...
♪ Get loose, get sloppy Let's dance a little floppy
♪ What!
♪ Flop-flop
♪ Get floppy Flop, flop
♪ Drink, drink, drink Drunk, drunk, drunk
♪ Everybody It's time to get...
♪ Get loose, get sloppy Let's dance a little floppy
♪ Flop-flop
Get floppy ♪
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Whoo!
Flop it out!
[EXHALES] Like I said, I like drinking a lot.
And I've been watching a lot of old '90s Disney movies.
We all watch weird shit during the pandemic, right?
I think that all the old Disney movies
just set women up for what their drinking lives are gonna be like.
They do!
Take a classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, right?
Clearly, all the dwarfs are the men you're gonna meet at the bar.
Right?
Doc. Mansplainer.
Dopey's the guy who doesn't realize you're not into him.
Bashful is the creepy guy in the corner who just stares at you.
Grumpy is the guy who just lost his dodgeball game so he's at the bar.
Happy is the guy with too much MDMA in his pocket.
Sleepy is the guy who's passed out.
And Sneezy is the guy with late stages of gonorrhea.
That's a real symptom, be afraid.
Watch out! [CHUCKLES]
But then there's also the Queen, right?
The Queen. That's the bitch at the bar
who can't handle when anyone is talking about anything other than her.
We all know who that is.
If you don't, it's you. [CHUCKLES]
But then, what do women do when we go out, ladies? What do we do?
We go to the bathroom.
What's in the bathroom? The fucking mirror. Right?
That thing will tell you you're not the fairest of them all,
that there's a much younger, prettier version of you out there,
and your mascara's running down your face, maybe it's time to go home.
That's a fairy tale, which means there's a prince.
That's the one nice guy at the bar.
One.
He might pretend to listen to you.
Shit, he might even give you eye contact.
Dream, what a dream.
He's also the first guy to make out with you as soon as you pass out.
What a nightmare! They're all nightmares.
They're all nightmares, right? Cinderella,another one,
teaches you that you can go to the bar all hot,
as soon as it strikes midnight,
you lost a shoe, you're limping around,
you're a sweaty mess with half your tampon hanging out.
Ariel.
That one teaches you that you can get so shit faced you can't speak.
But as long as you're hot, you will still get laid.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And can we just admit that Ursula is not a villain?
She's not. Ariel asked for legs.
Ursula gave her fucking tan-a-thigh gap beautiful long legs.
She could've given her fucking chicken nugget chub-rub legs.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's a nice person.
Those-- I wish...
Right?
Sleeping Beauty.
Another one where a man makes out with a woman as soon as she passes out.
What I'm saying, our bars are a nightmare for women! They're nightmares!
For single women.
As a married woman,
it sounds like a dream.
Right?
If my husband gave me a kiss while I was asleep... that's so sweet.
Shit. I'd let him fuck me while we were asleep.
I would. He'd be happy he got to have sex,
I'd be happy I didn't have to participate.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's what dreams are made out of.
But if he wakes me up, that's rape.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I did get a rape joke in there. You're welcome.
-Hey! Yeah! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah!
My mom's out here tonight.
She lives in Florida, towards Orlando, and she lives in, like,
this 65-and-over community half of the time. You know, like most retirees.
And she called me and she was like, "Kim, a woman got arrested."
I was like, " What? In a 65-and-over community?"
She's like, "Yeah, a woman got arrested.
She got caught doing a guy in the rec room."
I was like, "More like rocky room, right, mom?"
She's like, "Kimberly."
Turns out... she's a prostitute!
A 67-year-old prostitute!
She is my hero!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
67!
Are you kidding me? That is not a job you start in retirement age.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You start that job when you're 15 and your dad leaves
or your uncle tickles you too much.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, they say you're a master at something after 10,000 hours, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I did the math.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If she started at 17...
We'll give her the benefit of the doubt of almost graduating high school.
If she started at 17, and she did 25 billable hours of prostitution a week...
times 56 weeks, 50 years. That 70,000 billable hours of prostitution!
-She's a super master! What? -WOMAN: Yes!
Yeah, and she's so smart economically.
She lives in a 65-and-over community at 67. That is like, freshman puss.
She figured it out.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So smart.
Genius.
And I was like, "Mom, I have questions."
And my mom is a single mom of four kids. She would do anything for us.
So she's like, "My daughter wants to know...
what did you do in your 50s?"
Right? Like, what did she do when she wasn't the young, hot thing on the street?
But she also couldn't work this economic genius that she has going on right now.
Turns out she bought a house.
And she did it through her house because she had all these repeat customers.
All these fans.
And this is before OnlyFans.
This is like OG OnlyFans like boots on the ground,
but off the bed fans, you know what I mean?
Before the apps. This is word of mouth about her mouth.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I was like, "But what does she do?
Like, I'm so bad in bed. Like, what does she do?"
Turns out... she's just really nice to the guys.
Yeah, she says, "Good job."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And she listens.
Something I've never done to my husband.
[CHUCKLES]
I never will. In case he's here.
Uh, I don't know.
I don't know if he's here, guys. I should. I don't. Uh...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So my mom, I love her. She's here tonight, guys. Whoo-hoo! Donna.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
My mom is my favorite person in the world.
She's my favorite. She's-- Oh, what a gem.
She did a Zoom meeting with all of her kids.
Uh, because she wanted to go through her afterlife.
You know, just in case something happens. So that we knew what to do.
Passwords... It was so smart.
And she had, like, a fucking spreadsheet of everything. Like such a CEO.
And I just hit record because I knew I wasn't going to remember any of it.
Uh, and then she goes, "Okay...
now it's time to get to the practice funeral."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"What the fuck is a practice funeral, Mom?
What the fuck is a Zoom practice funeral?"
She was like, "Well, you know, I'm not going to be there to hear your eulogies."
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
This was my response. She was like, "I just want to hear them,
you know, I want to make sure that they're good."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My mom is going to be a stage mom in the afterlife.
What? People are like, "You have a stage, Mom?"
Yeah, I wasn't a successful dancer at ten without one.
Crazy. I was like, "All right.
Uh, we're all gathered here today..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...on Zoom...
to celebrate my not dead mother, Donna McCleary,
who is a completely healthy 72-year-old.
And praise her because she's so amazing.
She really is. She did so much for all of us
that we love her so much, that we're willing to do
the stupidest things online for her."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And my mom was like, "Ha-ha-ha. Okay, but you forgot to mention..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...I used to be one of the highest ranking females in corporate America."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I was a-- You know what? I'll just do it for ya."
And then my mom performed her own eulogy to us.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I recorded this shit.
She was like, "Oh, thank you, everybody, for coming..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...to celebrate me...
Donna McCleary."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I raised four beautiful children by myself, without a man.
That's right. No child support.
But don't worry, he died before me, so I'm winning."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I was one of the highest ranking women in corporate America.
I was a BC Lions dancer, and I still teach line dancing on the Zoom.
Don't know how to use it, but I do know how to teach it.
And, Crystal, your husband did try to hit on me.
That's right. I still got these moves."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's my mom's go to move.
I love it.
And you would think that, that would be the craziest part of the Zoom meeting.
You would think,
but then we got to the will. My portion of the will, right?
And I'm the only one who lives in America,
so I'm only one who can collect the good stuff.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And in my mother's will, she has written down
that I have to tap dance at her funeral.
In a legal document, that I have to tap dance... at her funeral.
She was like, "Well, you know, I just...
I love watching you tap dance, and I want to see it."
I had to explain to my mom
that funerals are sad.
That when she dies, I'm going to be sad.
I'm not tap dancing at her funeral. Tap dancing is a happy thing.
Right? Plus, tap dancing on your grave?
A little bit on the nose. Okay, don't you think?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hey, Mom, I'm not doing it. I'm not.
There's no way I'm doing it. It's crazy. It's insane.
But I will do it for you all right now.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Right? May I get that chair. Thank you so much. My tap shoes.
This is so embarrassing by the way, guys.
This is just to prove-- Thank you.
Look at how tall and hot he is? Hey!
Yes!
Very, very strong man, and I think he's single, ladies.
Uh. I don't know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I didn't ask when I touched him. I'm kidding.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm doing this just to prove to my mom how much this shouldn't be done.
Okay? Like, I am doing this for you guys.
Oh, I should've brought the stand over here. Okay.
Okay. Now I look like that guy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'll fix ya.
This is literally what my first sexual experience looked like!
Just trying to figure out how to put that condom on.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm getting a cramp in my calf.
I'm too old for this shit!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Success.
Whoo!
All right.
You may take the chair back, hot man.
Yeah. Oh, he's skipping. Guys? He's fine.
Yeah. Thank you so much.
Yeah. Okay.
This is really embarrassing.
All right, here we go.
-[CYMBALS PLAYING] -All right.
So you guys have to imagine we're at my mom's funeral, right?
The casket is going down.
People are sad.
There's a piece of tap wood out in front, and I'm on it.
[CYMBAL PLAYING]
♪ A five, six, seven, eight Tap, tap dancing On my mother's grave
♪ Full lap ball changing On my mother's grave
♪ Everybody's watching you Everybody's watching you
♪ This is so sad
♪ I love my mom
♪ Don't forget to smile Don't forget to smile
♪ Tap, tap dancing On my mother's grave
♪ Full lap ball changing near My brother's grave
♪ Why are they together? Wait, they'd be together
♪ Tap, tap dancing On my family's plot
♪ Sorry, mom, this is a lot
[SIGHING]
♪ Is there an afterlife?
♪ I think there is
♪ I'm going to get bullied The day I get in
♪ Everybody's watching you Everybody's watching you Even my dead dad
♪ Wait, do they let you watch This kind of thing from hell?
♪ My dad's in hell My dad's in hell
♪ Tap, tap dancing 'Cause my dad's in hell
♪ Big finish now
♪ Wings
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ This is so emotional
♪ Toe stands
♪ Why the fuck am I doing this?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ I love you, mom
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ Why is this in your will?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I'm not even gonna be able to cry. I'm gonna be so tired.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can't do that, guys.
I'm almost 39. I can't do that!
I'm not...
I'm not doing it.
There's no way. It's Insane. That's insane.
Crazy.
I'm not gonna do it.
But I will do this for you, Mom.
I'll do this.
Hit it, Kenny.
[EXHALES]
-[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick
♪ Twerk that dick On my mother's grave
♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick
♪ Twerk that dick On my brother's grave
♪ Patrick would fucking love this shit
♪ Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it ♪
Let's hear it for the dancers.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you, guys, so much for coming tonight.
And remember, life is meant to be lived!
Have a good time. Thank you, guys, so much.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[DRUMS PLAYING]
♪ Let me see you dance
♪ Oh, boy, you looking right
♪ Your body's just my type
♪ It's steaming up in here Ah, ah, ah
♪ Let this song Tell you what to do
♪ Get down and rub your ooh Until you're sweating wet
♪ I'll make you all my pet
♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ It's not cheating When it touch his ass
♪ It's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Part of the dance floor Get a pass
♪ But we are on the stage
♪ So let's fuck it right!
♪ Lick him, stick him Make him take a pop And drop him
♪ Swap him, cuff him
♪ 'Cause it's not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Part of a dance So I get a pass
♪ Not cheating If it's choreographed
♪ Shake those balls And smack that ass
♪ Not cheating
♪ Now twerk that dick Twerk that dick What?
♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What?
♪ Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it, twerk it
♪ Twerk that dick Twerk that dick What?
♪ Twerk it, twerk it Twerk it, twerk it ♪