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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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CALL THE POLICE
Hello! Wow!
Thanks! You're so nice!
Damn, there is so many of you.
Damn!
We haven't really been waiting for this…
We had to rebook a couple of times.
We chose the smaller venue for today, so to speak.
Damn, it's nice to be here. I have been touring this fall.
I have been to places like Falun,
Kristianstad,
Borås.
Me and Borås aren't the best of friends, you could say.
So, it's nice to be back in Stockholm again. At Aviici Arena!
Wow.
So, we had to move this show quite a few times.
Because of the ongoing pandemic.
Wasn't that great?
I'm not going to talk about the pandemic, but most things were shut down.
The clubs were shut. There was no place to do stand-up.
Restaurants and shops were shut. So, most things were shut,
apart from Spy Bar…
They were open during a short period.
And I ran at it, so to speak, at full throttle.
Drunk as a skunk, I stood there with a champagne bucket on my head…
…and someone was filming.
This was spread in media.
I became the face of partying during the pandemic.
I was the only one who got slammed.
My agent calls me. "Don't bring it up in the podcast."
So, I bring it up in the podcast.
You know that famous press conference that Stefan Löfven held,
the "no more partying" press conference…
It's about me.
Just say my fucking name, Stefan.
That's not how you want your prime minister to see you.
You'd like him to see you winning the UN Peace Prize or some shit like that.
No, he sees me throwing all caution to the wind.
So, my only hobby, which was drinking, went up in smoke before my eyes.
So what do you do in a pandemic? Do I need a new hobby now?
People got new hobbies during the pandemic.
People have started playing padel and having kids and stuff like that.
I thought, "What the hell should I do? What now?"
I ended up standing on a stage…
…wearing a dragon costume…
I don't deserve any applause, I must say.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I hope you don't…
I was in Masked Singer, season one.
Wow, thanks.
Absolutely the worst thing I've done in my entire life.
I never agreed to do it.
I met the producer the other week. She said, "I don't recall you saying yes."
"No!"
"Because I fucking didn't! Suddenly, I was just there."
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
But I've never felt as skinny as when people thought I was Anja Pärson.
"Fuck yeah!" I took a look in the mirror…
I mean… "Okay. I've lost some weight."
Thinking that I'm Anja Pärson
is like thinking that Leif GW Persson will ever not be tired.
It's never going to happen.
Poor Anja.
She got a comment on Instagram,
"Wow, you're the dragon in Masked Singer."
There's a fucking heffalump on stage.
To think that I am her… It's like saying your best quality is being kind.
She feels horrible about this. She's posting content on YouTube.
It was completely horrible.
But I think I did it because I had, and still have, a bit of an identity crisis.
I think I've been kidnapped.
Strange reaction.
I think my parents kidnapped me. I'll tell you why.
A few years ago, a friend of mine had been prescribed a new medication
and wanted to check her medical records.
I was in hospital as a kid. I'm allergic to different things and I take medication.
So I know there's stuff about me in the records.
So, I thought I'd have a look, just for fun.
I logged into the online healthcare platform. There's nothing there.
Not one single fucking record. I immediately got suspicious.
I called my mom. I'll give that old hag a piece of my mind, I thought.
So, I called her. "Hi, darling, how are you?"
I was like, "Well, hello…
…Anette.
Hope all is good with you.
Just one little question…
My medical records. Let's talk about them. Where are they?"
My mom works in healthcare,
so, she said, "You have to request your medical records."
So, I believed her. I called the healthcare advice line.
I spoke to this super nice woman, Birgitta. We clicked immediately.
Finally, I said, "Hey, Birgitta…
Don't you think I should just… get those records?"
She said, "Of course you should have your medical records."
So, I gave her my personal identification number,
but suddenly it went quiet.
I said, "Hello? Birgitta? Are you still there?"
Then she said to me, "Johanna, I'm sorry, but you don't have any records."
"Come on, darling Birgitta…
Call Lena at the hospital in Vasterås. I've been in hospital, I'm sure."
She said, "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do." And she hangs up.
This is when I start working for the Security Service.
I start an investigation.
I start calling up friends and family. I call my grandma.
"Don't you remember when I was in hospital?"
She's like, "No, Johanna. You've never been in hospital."
I'm sorry, but that little bitch
remembers when my sister got a tetanus shot,
but when I'm in hospital for three days she gets Alzheimer's.
I call my dad. "You remember when I was in hospital, right?"
"Johanna, you've dreamed this. It never happened."
"It did. You gave me candy.
I hope it was you, otherwise it was some other old fucker."
Suddenly, I get a text from my uncle. "Stop digging around in this, Johanna."
I'm quite sure I'll keep digging, just so you know, Mats.
The thing is, I've been in hospital my whole life.
No, of course not my whole life, but many times.
I am in the hospital right now actually, I have to get back right after the show.
I have an infusion drip backstage.
I've been in hospital many times. I've been allergic and on medication.
I've been allergic to tomatoes my entire life.
But no one has ever wanted to talk about that at home.
I'd ask my parents, "When did I become allergic to tomatoes?"
"Well…"
Totally psychotic.
But I remember going on vacation to Portugal. I had tomatoes there.
Big Portuguese tomatoes, tomato soup, ketchup…
I remember it so damn well. But after that trip, it just goes black.
On the tomato front.
Which means…
…that before you…
…stands…
…Madeleine McCann.
I am Madeleine McCann!
I think I look like her.
I have stood in front of a mirror making the same face.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Ow, ow, ow!
It's me, goddamnit!
I've been saying it since last fall, but the police haven't taken me in.
I can see there is something wrong with me, and I know what it is.
I've got a mirror, don't worry about that.
But I've always… I was a strange kid.
The only thing I ever wanted was pet fish.
That was the only thing. It's worse than stick insects.
But I got three fish. I was so happy.
I brought them home, gave them names
and sat and watched them, since they don't do much.
I bragged about them in school. I said,
"I've got pet fish."
"And we have dignity. Get lost."
When I got home from school, my three pet fish were on the floor.
They had jumped out of the fish tank.
But moms do as moms do… I mean, "Mom".
We went and bought three new pet fish. "Who cares about those fish?"
I'm so happy. I brag in school.
Someone throws rocks at me, I can't remember.
I get home from school.
Same thing again. My three new fish are on the floor.
Six pet fish committed suicide.
We know that murders and psychopaths
systematically torture and kill animals as kids.
So, I've been standing outside the Hinseberg Women's Prison: "Let me in!"
"I am one of you."
I think I'm the next Arboga woman. Seriously.
The thing is, a friend of me got a fish for his 18th birthday.
He wasn't very popular.
He's not from Stockholm, so, he was going to visit his parents.
He asked me, "Johanna, could you please…
…be my fish sitter?"
He had no idea about my fish problems.
I wasn't going to tell him.
And really, it's not such a hard task.
"You just have to feed it. You don't need to be there."
"Trust me, I'll be there."
So, I take sick leave for a week.
I sit there and watch the fish… I sit there and talk to the fish.
"Please don't jump, please don't jump, please…"
But the fish survived. It was the happiest day of my life.
I called my mom.
Oh, thank you.
Wow!
You set the bar pretty low for applause. You don't give me much credit, do you?
I called my mom and said,
"Mom, the fish survived. There's nothing wrong with me."
My mom said to me, "That's great to hear."
"But there's just one little thing that I need to tell you."
So, my mom told me,
"Your pet fish… They didn't commit suicide.
It was the cat."
"So, you thought it was better to say it was suicide than to say it was the cat?"
"Are you stupid?" After that I hate all cats.
No wonder the Palme murder is unsolved. It was a fucking cat.
That's why I'm so into the police.
Either I'll end up behind bars or as a police officer.
Those are my options.
The conservatives want 3,000 more police officers.
Oh no. We need 3,000 new police officers. Out with the old, in with the new.
Have you seen the police officers we have?
We have police officers who are on TikTok.
This man roams our streets freely.
When I first saw this, I was clinically dead.
But I thought, "It's just one video. He was on break and he was bored."
No, there's more.
Look at that face.
How is he?
I'd rather have "Captain Skirt" come save me than this fucking idiot.
Imagine calling the police, and then this guy turns up.
"I just need to make a TikTok first."
Savage Love the killer to death.
I love crime shows. I like Beck. Do you like Beck?
Okay!
I love Beck. I watched it as a kid.
It wasn't as if dad put it on when I was two, Beck - The Girl in the Root Cellar.
"Gunvald would be nice to fuck."
I don't know what my real parents have showed me. But…
All my friends watched Disney and shit like that. Not me.
I mean, I watched Ariel.
I did.
I mean, I watched Ariel, but only because I liked Ursula so much.
She's the only character who realizes that Ariel is a bitch.
She's got some go in her.
And I love Mikael Persbrandt.
Mm.
He's my future husband. He is.
I know that and he knows it too.
I don't talk about anything else in interviews.
He's got protected identity now, and adress, which is a shame.
But I keep my spirit up.
I remember in second grade, we had to draw our idols.
All we did was drawing. I still can't even draw a circle.
And my classmates drew people like Marcoolio or Michael Jackson.
I drew Micke P.
I've never been so thorough in my entire life.
I sat there drawing carefully.
My teacher walked around looking at everybody's drawings.
E-Type and stuff like that.
Who would draw E-Type?
Likely idol…
My teacher walked up to me and said…
"Johanna,
what is this?"
I was like…
"It's Micke P."
"Doesn't he look good naked?"
It's not normal to draw Mikael Persbrandt naked in second grade.
I wasn't normal.
I was fucking awful in school. I was worse than "Hyper-Adam".
We all had a "Hyper-Adam" in our class.
I was worse than him. Get it?
I've thought about all the school subjects.
Like home economics. What the hell was that?
You ate. That's all you did. I had a teacher called Lisbeth.
She wore Birkenstocks, used the cookbook as an accessory
and was skipping between the classrooms.
And you could behave so badly in home economics without being told off.
I'd burn the scones. Lisbeth would say,
"Next time, just bake them for 10 minutes instead of 15."
"Okay."
I'd break the stove. Lisbeth would say,
"You'll just have to call the repairman."
I'd burn down the whole goddamned classroom.
Lisbeth was excited when the firemen came.
You could behave so badly without being told off.
But if you washed dishes under running water…
…all hell would be let loose!
The social services would be called in and you'd have to spend Christmas away.
And I think because I was such a strange kid myself,
I hate kids.
I hate kids. Period.
Partly because I was a strange kid, but also because of my first stand-up gig.
My first stand-up gig was for the Young Allergics Association.
It's social suicide, for sure.
My friend William Spetz
was asked if he could do stand-up at their conference.
They we're to be 18 to 35 years old, they would be drinking and in a good mood.
They asked him if he could do 40 minutes of stand-up.
He said, "No, I've never done stand-up. I can't do 40 minutes.
But a friend of mine would love to try. Maybe we could do 20 minutes each."
So, I said yes to this. May I add that this was in Örebro.
A fucking shithole.
I was excited about finally doing stand-up,
so write 20 minutes of material about how much I hate people who are allergic.
We go there, I walk in,
and I see 30 pairs of shoes in the size for 10-year-olds.
"What the hell is going on?"
William had just done the Swedish Eurovision, so kids are running at us…
"Move, fatso!" "What the hell is going on?!"
We had been duped.
We're at a camp for kids who don't have any friends.
Kids who say, "Are you allergic to flowers too?" That's where we're at.
I think, "I've written 20 minutes about how much I hate these kids."
"I can't say this. I just can't."
But I did anyway.
The first thing I say is that I think peanut allergics should die.
Felix on front row starts crying.
Then I say, "You know when you suck cock…"
No!
They're 10 years old, Johanna. Are you stupid?
Also, we had to stay there overnight.
Imagine the atmosphere over breakfast. It wasn't great.
So, I'm not really fond of kids. Sue me.
Which isn't great, because my sister has two kids.
I thought one would have been enough.
But she decided to squeeze another one out.
Saying that, I like the new kid more.
She's five months old. She doesn't talk. It's brilliant.
The other one is 4,5 years. She doesn't get irony.
We just stand there looking at each other.
"Move."
My sister was crazy when she was pregnant.
She swallowed all the pregnancy myths.
She'd come to me and say, "Johanna… Check out my pregnancy glow."
"Yes, you're sweating.
You're dripping, I mean…"
"Look at my hair, it's so long and thick and shiny."
"It's greasy, Emelie.
You haven't showered for nine months."
"Look, my breasts are so big."
"You look like a milk cow."
Totally crazy. Now, she wants to become the new Greta and save the world.
I mean, we all have dreams and goals, but there has to be some limit.
She's started talking about joining the donor register.
Are you in the donor register? Clap your hands.
There's a few of you.
I can see you looking… I am coming for you.
How old are you? 23.
How long have you been in the donor register?
Three years. Why did you join?
You don't know?
Perfect.
What did you say?
"You are supposed to."
Is that how you decide on everything? "You are supposed to."
It's a pretty big decision to let people carve you up.
Have you been kidnapped too? It's like we have…
Oh well.
Is it mostly for the sake of your conscience…?
So, what else have you signed up for?
KP? WWF?
Do you donate money every month? No, you don't. I can tell.
To Bianca Ingrosso perhaps.
To CAIA.
Incredible. Thanks.
Thanks! Good to have you with us. I'm not in the donor register.
I'll tell you why I'm not in the donor register.
Research shows that the person who receives your organ
might inherit needs and emotions from the donor.
And I refuse to expose someone to my organs.
Imagine getting my liver.
You'd be screwed from the start.
Take someone else's. Take Jockiboi's.
He's got every diagnosis that exists and drops his baby down the stairs…
He won't hear this anyway. It's fine.
He's out chasing ghosts. With Laxton.
I can't donate, because I've got thoughts that nobody should have.
-For example, do you like seafood? -Yes!
I love seafood.
But I think eating seafood is a bit like having anal sex.
Hello?
I think it's quite a stretch from idea to action.
A lot of work…
…for very little pleasure. I mean…
Only women applauding.
"That's right, Anton!"
I'll be standing around in the evening and just…
"Can I be bothered tonight? Is it worth it?"
And your hands smell so bad…
You just want a wet wipe. A lemon-scented wet wipe.
"Got a condom?" "No, take a lemon-scented wet wipe instead."
Other thoughts that no one else should have, or it would be a danger for society.
People have amazing thoughts, but not me.
My matter of the heart is… the carrot…
…inside…
…the carrot.
There is actually a carrot inside the carrot…
…that is so fucking tasty! It's completely fucking insane.
You bite around the carrot, and a tiny little stem appears, so fragile.
"It's you and me against the world. Don't ever leave me."
It's so sweet. It's like a Kinder egg, for fuck's sake. It's the best concept.
The carrot inside the carrot is a bit like guys who are circumcised…
…in that they've removed the bad part…
…but kept the good part.
When you sleep with someone who's circumcised, you don't need to…
…pull it out, clean it…
…remove the dirt… I mean, you don't need to do that.
I also can't donate my organs becaus I was born in the 90s.
I take it there are more 90s children here.
That's right.
We 90s children, we're the worst…
…that was put on this planet.
We who were born in the 90s say, "I've got a French balcony."
And they're like, "It's a big window. Shut up."
90s children think Malala is Simba's mom. That's where we're at.
90s children become influencers. That's what we are.
We have influencers who call themselves entrepreneurs.
Let that sink in.
They call themselves entrepreneurs when they make mobile phone covers
with Ideal of Sweden.
Marble on every single one of them.
What would you rather answer for, the Palme murder or a marble cover?
To call yourself an entrepreneur when you make phone covers with Ideal of Sweden,
is like saying that someone that works for Foodora works with spinning.
We have such high thoughts of ourselves.
I saw a show called Catfish.
It's about people who've been together forever without ever meeting.
There was a guy on the show. He'd had a girlfriend for ten years.
They were engaged but had never met.
Two guys came to help him find this person, and get them to meet.
They asked him, "Why haven't you met?"
He was like, "No, she's too busy."
Spontaneous reaction: in ten years?
I'm sure you'd be able to find a little gap in the schedule?
They were like, "Okay. But have you spoken over the phone?"
He was like, "No, but I've heard her voice."
They were like, "What the hell is this? Tell us who the girl is."
He says, "You won't believe me."
"It's Katy Perry." Sure…
Most likely to be with Katy Perry. Not.
We think so much of ourselves. If we're not influencers we'll do whatever else.
I met a guy at a party, and somehow he started talking about himself.
That never happens.
We started talking about work. I said, "I'm a comedian."
He said, "That's weird."
I said, "Thanks."
So, I asked him what he did.
He said, "I do beatboxing."
"I'm sorry? I didn't mean your hobby. What do you do for work?"
"That is my job."
"Okay, you play drums with your mouth. That's what you do."
He told me he sees an "air coach" once a week.
Because "breathing is important in the drop".
No one can hear the difference. He wanted to be the best in the world.
There are only two people doing it, it's not that hard.
Then he told me he was releasing a demo.
"Would you like to hear it?"
"No."
I didn't say that.
I said, "I haven't got any headphones. Sorry, dude."
Then he said, "I can do it live if you want."
Right.
So, for three minutes I stood there,
hoping that he would have an asthma attack.
How do you groove along to beatboxing?
I stood there… "I'll have to sway a bit. I'll sway a bit."
Then I thought, "I'll raise an arm." I raised an arm.
I thought, "I'm too quiet."
So I started going, "Yeah."
"Uh-huh."
"Skrrt." Yeah, you know.
I've never felt so white in my entire life.
I've never grooved along to beatboxing. It's like watching horseback riding.
What the hell are you supposed to say?
"Nice jump."
It was like a hostage situation without a gun.
I felt like a cobra coming up from a bucket. Seriously.
Get this. You have a son.
One day he comes home, "Mom, all I want for my birthday is an air coach."
"Do you know something, David?
I'll give you an air rifle so you can shoot yourself in the head."
But we had sex.
So, you know…
No, this was…
This was too…
So the curtains are red here? I see…
I'm actually struggling to look you in the eye.
I'm a bit ashamed.
But it went well. He followed me all the way home, which was nice.
We went inside and I locked the door.
I said, "You're not going anywhere."
"You can beatbox me to death for all I care."
We were going to have sex and so, you know, there's the foreplay…
You're supposed to suck cock.
There are things I enjoy more, just so you know…
…but I'm just human.
So I did it, I got down on my knees…
I won't look anyone in the eye now, just so you know.
I won't do that.
But I got down on my knees, prepared for the usual,
not being able to breathe,
throwing up, getting whiplash injury…
I was prepared for it all.
So, I sat down and…
…"got to work" doesn't sound right.
I got the party started. That's better. I got the party started.
After a while, I suddenly feel a hand…
…on…
You bet.
…my…
…head…
And it starts to knead.
I'm going like this and he's going like this. It's like this.
Like a fucking tornado. "What the hell is going on?!"
I didn't dare to say, "Stop! My body!"
I thought, "We're having such a good time."
So, it just keeps going. After a while I've got the rhythm down.
Play "La Macarena". Let's fucking roll!
But it made me dizzy, you know. I was like, "Where have I ended up?"
"Am I with my real parents?" I was starting to…
After a while I thought, "I need to know what's going on down here."
I realized that I was sat down there with my mouth full…
…getting a hair massage.
We're not in a fucking spa.
If I had jerked him off, my other hand would have gotten a hand massage.
The 69… "Could I have some foot massage, please."
This has marked me for life.
So, now when I go to the hairdresser and they start shampooing my hair…
Afterwards, I found out that I had either chlamydia or a UTI.
As it turned out, I had both.
I had to order a chlamydia test, because I refuse to see a gynecologist.
I won't look her in the eye and tell her I've been partying. I refuse.
So, I ordered a chlamydia test and received it in a plain white envelope.
One chlamydia test and one condom.
No note.
What a bloody statement.
"Here you are, little hooker."
But stupid as I am, I spilled the contents of the test tube,
so I had to order a new one.
Same thing again: a plain white envelope, one chlamydia test and three condoms.
Can you imagine how they must have fucking talked?
Next time I'll get a dildo.
With a note, "Stop sleeping around."
It's like selling Christmas magazines. The more you sell, the better the rewards.
Next time I will get a "Satisfy Pro". It will be great.
The timing wasn't great.
I don't know if the timing is ever great to get Chlamydia.
But I was going to Costa Rica…
…to learn how to surf.
I had been really busy with work, I was really tired.
I needed to find the calm, find myself, and so on.
It takes 34 hours to travel to Costa Rica.
The calm was gone already in London.
When I arrive, the girls are wearing tank tops and shorts.
They're having muesli for snacks.
"Perfect. I've got two minutes to lose 40 kg. This is going to be wonderful."
The first thing they ask is, "Have you been surfing before?"
"What do you think? I look like a bowler."
On the first day we wake up at 05.30 to do yoga.
Yoga for me is sleeping,
lighting a candle and juggling mangoes.
We had to stand in downward dog, the plank with your bum in the air,
for 45 minutes, and breathe.
I can tell you I was gasping for air.
There was a surf guarantee.
"100% chance that you'll learn how to surf."
It was on the website. "100% chance that you'll learn how to surf."
They've had to change it to 99%.
Surfers are the worst people I've ever met.
They would get up in the morning… "Today, I took some green waves."
"And I took ecstasy. Shut up."
It was horrible.
I went there to find myself. I didn't have a clue where I was.
When I got home, I was like, "What do I do now? Read the horoscopes?"
Anyone read the horoscopes in here? Clap your hands.
Yes. 3,000 retards.
Thanks for coming.
I read the horoscopes too.
I'm with you, although I'm not sure you want to be in my category.
I love horoscopes, I love the idea that something good will happen at some point.
Somebody just got sacked.
I love horoscopes, but not when they're about planets and shit.
I don't care. I want to know, one, does anyone fancy me?
Two, will I get rich?
Three, will my real parents ever find me?
That's the only thing I really want to know.
I went to a fortuneteller a few months ago.
And the first thing she tells me is…
"I can see…you sitting in a house…
…alone."
"I've paid for an hour. This is going to be fun."
"No, no. You'll like it."
"I guess I haven't got a bloody choice, do I?"
Then we got to the fun bit where I had to ask yes or no questions.
"I have the answers…" No, she said, "I can talk to the angels."
How easy.
I'm not sure you can make a Wi-Fi call up there.
She said, "Ask a yes or no question and I'll answer it."
I took it seriously. "Okay, I'll ask questions that I really want answered."
So, I said, "Will I ever be a police officer?"
She got her tarot cards out. "Oh, are we playing Uno now?"
She said, "I'm going to lay the cards out.
If there are 13 cards, that means no.
Less than 13 cards means yes."
"Okay, whatever. Go ahead. Do your thing."
She lays the cards out and goes, "Hmm."
"Yes. There are 13 cards…
…so that means no."
"I saw you counting them! I'm not stupid!"
Then she says to me, "You're dating the wrong guys."
"Thanks, I know! I dated a guy who lived in a trailer. Please…"
It's true. I dated a guy who lived in a trailer.
This was when I lived in Västerås, my hometown.
I was out in a bar. He came up to me and said,
"Wanna come back to my place?"
I thought, "I won't get that question again.
So, here's me saying yes to life."
So, we get on a bus.
Number 309 towards Höganäs, never heard of the fucking bus.
We travel for 20 minutes, 30 minutes…
If you invite someone back to your place, you have to live in the city.
You can't expect me to cross the border to have fun in a week from now.
So, we're on the bus, we reach a dirt road. It's dark.
He says, "We're getting off here."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Get off."
"Okay, great. I'm going to be kidnapped again. How wonderful."
-l love you! -Thanks.
That's probably him.
Thank you for coming.
So, we get off the bus. It's pitch black.
I realize there's no point even trying to run away from him.
Do you know how slow I run?
A trot is my fastest pace.
It's pitch-black.
He gets a flashlight out of his coat pocket.
He brought a flashlight to the bar!
Sends off a red flag if anything.
There we are like two blind people. "What's going on?"
We get to the trailer park. He says, "This is where I live."
Okay…
"Maybe you could have said that before."
But we continued seeing each other, weirdly enough.
It was a bit hard telling my parents where he lived.
I don't know why, maybe it had to do with pride.
One night, my parents asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm going to Felix' place."
"Felix, he lives in the countryside, right?"
"Sort of. It's a bit further out."
"Do you want a ride?"
"Hell, no! I'll take the bus towards Höganäs."
"Does he live in a villa, or…?"
"Well, it's not really a villa… There's only one floor."
"Okay, a bungalow?" "Well, I wouldn't say that…"
"Okay, a row house?"
"There are definitely houses in a row."
"So, it's an apartment? Come on, what…?"
"It's an apartment on wheels, what can I say?"
"You're dating a homeless person. Well done. Congratulations."
This guy had so many red flags. He also loved rosehip soup.
Why not break up at that point? Seriously.
One evening I was going to his place and he wrote to me,
"Johanna, could you please…
…buy some rosehip soup on the way?"
"Of course my guy is getting rosehip soup!"
I don't usually go to actual food stores,
because people working there are too engaged in us shoppers.
And I suck at finding stuff and don't like to ask.
But I went in and tried to find the soup.
I haven't a clue. Is rosehip soup hot or cold?
Is it with dairy, or jelly?
I search like crazy, but I can't find it. Okay, I'll just have to ask.
I just have to ask.
I see a girl working in the store.
I go up to her and say, "Why, hello there…"
I definitely didn't say that. Why would I say that?
I guess I said… "Hello." "Hi."
And she said, "Hello."
The conversation definitely wasn't this long.
I said, "May I ask you a question?"
She said, "Yes of course, ask me anything."
So I said, "Well…"
"The rosehip soup, where is it? Just tell me the isle."
"Right! Let's go to the rosehip soup!"
She's walking 15 meters ahead of me. It's a walk of shame in the store.
"You don't have to drag me to Narnia. Are you stupid?"
Just tell me which aisle it is! It's such a brag.
And I also hate going to Systembolaget.
I just want the booze to come to me.
But I was going to a dinner, probably with this bloody trailer guy.
And when you turn 20,
you need to bring wine or flowers or some crap like that.
So I go into Systembolaget to buy some wine.
I go to the wine shelf.
I don't know wine, I go for the nicest bottles, the most expensive.
I'm looking at a bottle, and a lady comes up beside me.
She's like… "Hmm. I was just looking at that wine."
"Oh?"
"Do you know if it goes well with meat?"
I have no clue. I drink Red Bull and vodka in the weekends.
It's like Penny Parnevik asking her parents about birth control.
She's got fifteen million siblings.
As you've understood, I have been single most of my life.
Now, I've found myself a guy, I don't know how.
Oh, thank you.
He is gonna leave me soon but that's ok.
I'll stay put.
I was single for a very long time.
I am really bad at dating. Do you have Tinder?
Not so many out of ten thousand.
If I find out later you have Tinder, I'll kill every single one of you.
Because what I'm about to tell you now is pretty rough. I had Tinder…
I had Tinder Gold.
That was a sneer. I heard that.
Tinder Gold lets you see who's liked you, letting you choose.
And you can go abroad.
In the app. I'm not an escort.
Tinder Gold costs 200 kronor a month. It costs more than electricity.
I could've saved five kids a month, according to Unicef.
No, that's not for me.
My reason for getting Tinder Gold was that I would save a lot of time.
Yeah right, saving time by swiping around in Australia.
But when I started dating my current boyfriend I was crazy.
I get completely crazy when dating.
If he didn't reply for ten minutes…
I went bananas.
Completely bananas. I could be standing with a friend, and like…
"Okay."
"Okay!"
"Okay, then!"
"It's over. That's the end of that. Oh well."
And my friend was like, "Here we fucking go again."
And she was like, "Johanna, have you spoken today, or…?"
And I was like, "Yes, we have spoken.
But are we talking now? No, we aren't talking now., are we?"
"Okay, but if you have spoken today, you might know what he's doing."
"Yes.
He's at a fucking funeral.
Felicia's gone and died.
And he's bought flowers for her.
Will he buy flowers for me? No. But for Felicia, yes.
He's fucking her right now.
He's fucking her in doggy style in the coffin. I just know it."
And my friends, "I think you would've known if he wanted to fuck corpses."
"You never know.
I would've fucked Micke dead or alive. It makes no difference to me."
Thank you, you're all so nice.
Before I met my boyfriend,
I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with someone who's got asthma.
People always have asthma up until you have sex.
You've never heard anyone say, "I've got the inhaler with me."
You've never heard that.
I didn't know my boyfriend has asthma,
but when you're gonna have sex with someone you like,
you want it to be good.
I went all in. I shaved my entire body.
I moisturized. I ate pineapple for weeks.
I ran to the pharmacy and found… Well, I didn't run.
I walked, rather, to the pharmacy and found something called coochie deodorant.
No it's not, it's called intimate spray.
I bought a few bottles. I used the first one.
"No, I'll take the second one too." I took the third one…
But what I didn't know was that people with asthma…
…have difficulties with scents…
…and perfumes.
So, he…
…went down on me…
…and I suddenly felt how he started to shake.
Which was the greatest thing I've ever felt in my entire life.
You know air pressure vibrators? I thought, "He's done a course.
He's learned to do it with his mouth.
We've all evolved differently, and you've evolved perfectly for me."
So, I let him continue until he started coughing.
Which was something out of this world.
Guys, if you haven't coughed in your girlfriend's pussy, go home and do it.
Corona is the best thing that ever happened to me.
The first Corona outburst, I was there in a heartbeat.
If someone's coughing on a bus, "You're coming home with me."
Anders Tegnell, "Everyone needs to get vaccinated."
Fucking misogynist.
I also think I'm heterosexual because I've got a phobia called trypophobia.
It's a phobia where you have a fear of holes.
I hate holes.
It feels like things will be coming out of them.
Like the TikTok cop.
It feels like if I went down on a girl and saw it all I would be like, "No!"
She could threaten me with her pussy.
"If you don't take the trash out, you know what will happen."
I hate holes, all types of holes.
I came home to my mother and sister to tell them.
"Sit down. This is important."
I said, "Okay. Um…
I've got trypophobia.
And it's really difficult for me.
And my sister said, "Johanna.
I've also got trypophobia.
I think it runs in the family."
"Well, I'm from Portugal, so, I don't know about that."
Thank you, Avicii Arena! Thank you for coming! You're wonderful!
Thank you!