Downloaded from YTS.MX
[triumphant music]
[cheers and applause]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Chris Redd!
- I don't know why I'm like this, nigga.
I'm trying to figure it out, bro.
I really am. I'm trying to figure out
why I'm like this shit, you know.
I'm in therapy right now.
I thought therapy was for White people.
I saw you trying to clap for therapy.
Go ahead, girl.
[cheers and applause] Go ahead, girl.
Oh, y'all late. Y'all late.
Nigga, stop. Y'all late.
You left this woman by herself.
She was clapping with confidence,
like, oh I'm the only one, bitch? Damn.
I thought therapy was for White people.
I ain't gonna lie to y'all.
I thought it was for you, White people.
I thought it was-- mm, triggered, y'all.
I thought it was you.
And then I got a little money.
I took my first vacation. I realized,
oh, it's for people with money and time.
White people just had that first.
Sneaky motherfuckers. I swear to God.
I knew I had a problem, I knew I needed something.
I needed somebody to talk to 'cause I was
living the best day of my life,
and I was having the worst time.
I always told myself if I made a little money,
I was gonna relive a day in my life
like Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'" video.
"Big Pimpin'" is about one man, Jay-Z.
He's out there with his best friends in Miami
or wherever the fuck they were at,
and they were having a blast.
They had boats, yachts,
money, champagne, booty everywhere.
And I love booty,
especially when it's everywhere.
I mean, champagne, yeah, everything dawg.
So I was like, I wanna do that, and that's what I did.
I got my first TV check, and I flew all my homies
out there dawg, and no one tells you
how expensive that is.
Jay-Z didn't rap about that shit one time, nigga.
You should have told me how much it cost to fly niggas
who are in between jobs to Miami.
I did it anyway. Regretted it so much.
But they got all out there. Man, we had money.
We had champagne.
We had booty everywhere.
Like, not as much booty as Jay-Z had.
He has a lot of money for a long time.
This is my first check, fam. Come on, chill.
I had half the booty everywhere.
I didn't have all of it.
And it wasn't half booties, though.
They were full booties, just half the people.
It wasn't like one woman was sitting there
with one cheek working on the next cheek,
you know what I'm saying?
Although we do support progress, so--
Anyway, we're having a great time.
We had a yacht. At least I think it was a yacht.
I'm from a landlocked state, bitch.
I don't know boats like that.
But it had yacht energy, nigga.
I called it a yacht
until somebody was like, this ain't a yacht,
it's a boat, and I was like, walk the plank, bitch.
You know? Nah, nigga, fuck that.
And I pushed his ass off. He ain't never been back.
I ain't never seen him again. He's in the ocean now.
Champagne, money everywhere, booty.
I'm crying hard, and that is not what
Jay-Z did in the video at all.
You don't even have to have seen the video
to know Jay-Z didn't do that.
I don't know if you've ever cried
next to a woman twerking with all her might,
but it's not cool looking.
[crying]
Go ahead, girl. [mimics smack]
Meanwhile,
what's wrong with him?
Soon as we docked, bro, I had to see what was going on.
I had to talk to my White friends.
I'm like, how you find a therapist?
They're like, well, sometimes you gotta go through a few
until you find the one that's right for you.
It's like dating. I'm like, OK,
well what if I find a Black therapist,
someone who can speak to my life experience,
you know what I mean?
And I tell them all my deepest and darkest shit
and then all of a sudden we break up,
'cause that's what happens in relationships,
and then I gotta see this nigga at a barbecue
or a kickback,
and he telling all the hoes
I'm crazy about a potato salad.
I don't need that kind of pressure.
So I picked Deborah,
White as hell, 75, hair on her chin.
She don't know nobody I know.
You can have all my secrets, Deborah.
I'm triggered as hell, my nigga.
We do not run in the same circles, me and Deborah.
My circle: rappers, degenerates.
Her circle: dead, probably. I don't know.
I don't know who that lady hanging out with.
Shit, she's 75, I don't know,
Joe Biden, Benjamin Franklin,
I don't know.
Deborah's my nigga, she just can't say it back.
I don't care how close we get.
I don't care how many breakthroughs I have.
Watch your mouth, Deborah.
Sometimes I like to end our sessions,
you know, just keeping her on her toes,
you know what I mean?
Sometimes I'm like, hey Deborah, hey, before you go,
you my nigga, dawg.
She's like, ha ha!
And you're my client.
Don't forget to Venmo, player.
Always about the money with this motherfucker, man.
All my therapy sessions have been over Zoom.
So I don't know if my therapist has legs.
Now I assume she has legs,
because everybody in my life has legs.
But I also know there's a legless community,
because I'm not ignorant.
Wake up.
I love telling White people to wake up.
Especially when they're already awake.
You ever try to tell somebody to sit down
when they're on their way to sitting down?
Me and my friends used to do each other all the time.
As soon as I was sitting down, they'd be like,
sit your ass down. I'm like, nigga,
I stand up forever! Fuck you!
'Cause I started therapy in the middle of the pandemic,
man, and it was crazy.
I'm glad we all get to kind of be in the same room
again to kind of get back to a sense of normalcy, bro.
[cheers and applause] For real.
And by normalcy, I mean getting back to remembering
there's other ways to die.
Because COVID had it locked down, my nigga.
Like, it was locked. For two years straight,
it was COVID death, COVID death,
to the point where I saw
a dude die from a car crash, I was like, good for him.
You know what I mean?
Truly, man.
There's no visual proof that Deborah has legs, dawg.
She's never walked into a Zoom ever.
That's not Zoom etiquette.
Everybody who got a Zoom starts settled.
That's Zoom etiquette. You start settled.
I've never started a Zoom with my dick in the camera like,
oh shit, my bad y'all.
My bad y'all.
Never.
I tried to trick her one time. I got smart one day.
I tried to trick her like somebody was in a house
so she'd get up to go check.
I was like, damn, ooh Deborah, somebody in your house.
She's like, ain't nobody back there.
Fuck!
Just tell me if you have legs bitch, damn.
I meet her in three weeks for the first time in real life,
and if she don't have legs, I have to act like I knew that.
And you know what that means. You know we've all been
in a situation where you show up and somebody
got some shit you ain't expect.
You know the rules.
Full eye contact. Don't look down.
Don't even use your legs until she uses her legs.
If y'all ordered chicken together--
breasts only, nigga.
And my therapist can't stand that joke.
And I think it's 'cause that bitch don't got legs,
you know what I'm saying?
Don't high five that!
What's wrong with you?
Wow! Wow!
Man, that's the equivalent of us
walking on a slave ship thinking it's a cruise,
you know what I mean?
Deborah's the first person to tell me I had anxiety.
I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression,
[audience member hooting] and I'm--
First of all, I didn't know we had a gang.
What a wild gang that would be.
ADHD, nigga! I can't focus on shit!
Nigga, you can never finish a fight, niggas can't focus.
Thank you for making me feel better about that.
Deborah was the first person to tell me
I had anxiety, first person.
She was like, Chris, after talking to you for a while,
I think what you suffer from is anxiety.
And then I said,
say something else about me, bitch!
Fuck you think this is?
Fuck you think this is, Deborah?
She said, deflecting.
I'm like, you right.
Damn, bitch, you good at this.
She told me one of my triggers was passive aggression.
I don't like passive aggression.
Mean what you say. Say what you mean.
I don't like passive aggression at all,
and I worked a lot of jobs. [applause]
A lot of victims of passive aggression.
A lot of office jobs--
Yes.
No, for real, and it runs rampant in office jobs.
White people, y'all know 'cause y'all the masters
of passive aggression.
Y'all love being the masters of stuff.
Anyway--
I didn't write history, nigga.
So I was working at this Office Max right,
and it got so passive aggressive.
At one point I stood up and I was like,
I'd rather go back to selling crack
than deal with this passive aggressive bullshit y'all on.
And I know that's crazy to yell at your job
or anywhere ever,
but for that brief moment I meant that shit.
'Cause, listen, there's a lot of risks to selling crack,
all right, like other gangsters selling crack,
police looking for people selling crack,
math, but--
the thing you do not ever have to worry about
is passive aggression.
I've never met a passive aggressive drug dealer
or gangster in my life.
I've never been selling drugs in a rival gangster's
territory and he walks up like,
[laughs derisively]
I guess we sell drugs wherever we want to these days.
Oh, no, do your thing, playa. [laughs]
Check your email, nigga.
I've never seen that a day in my life.
Is this your lady right here? - Yeah.
- How long y'all been together?
- 15 years. [cheers and applause]
I love love, man.
So, how'd y'all meet?
- So just to recap,
I asked this nigga, where'd y'all meet?
He's like, we met at a, uh...uh...
a party.
Sound like an orgy to me.
Hey girl, where you from?
Shit, you know where I'm from, brother.
Shit, we should talk later.
One second. [grunting]
Morphin' time.
I don't know why I thought when you cum
you yell like a Power Ranger.
My parents been together for 40 years.
I think that's the accurate number.
Thank you for clapping.
I'll let them know you did.
I had nothing to do with it.
I've been trying to break 'em up for years.
No, I'm playing.
No, it's cool. We just never
talked about mental health.
We never talked about that type of shit, you know.
So I knew I had a lot of resentment
and I knew I was gonna come back to them, right?
I had spent some time with Deborah.
I had to have tough conversations with my parents.
And I called them, and I just knew they wasn't
gonna be ready for this.
I was like, hey,
we gon have some tough conversations,
'cause I got a lot of built up resentment,
and we need to work through it.
So y'all better be ready.
You ever been mad expecting somebody to push back,
and they don't at all?
They were like, whenever you're ready to talk,
we're ready to listen.
I'm already mad, nigga.
I've decided I'm mad.
I'm like, what?
They're like, whenever you're ready to talk,
we're ready to have the tough conversations.
I'm like, nigga, what the fuck is going right now?
And I couldn't stop being mad, so now
we're just talking about regular shit
and I sound mad as hell.
I'm like, so what y'all cooking later?
You know what I mean, just--
I would always lose complain offs with my friends.
Always, 'cause I had two parents, you know what I mean?
If you don't know what a complain off is,
a complain off is when you're sitting in a circle with
your friends and all y'all are complaining about your life
until some sad motherfucker wins,
and everybody's like, yeah, nigga, that's fucked up.
You take it.
But they lose, too, 'cause they have to go back to that life
after the game over.
Don't know why we played this game.
I would always lose, man.
My cousin Trey would always come in like,
Chris you don't know shit about struggle, dawg,
you got two parents, my nigga.
Like, I ain't even know my dad, my nigga,
and my mom had to work three jobs and shit, dawg.
So it was me raising me and my fucking
sisters and brothers since I was 10 years old, Chris.
You don't know shit about that.
And I was like, fair.
We weren't even talking about that, dawg.
We were in here playing "Mario Kart"
'cause we are children.
But it ain't always sweet.
You ever have two people not believe in your
dreams equally?
You have one person like, you ain't going to be shit.
Somebody else already libs, sure ain't.
That's fucked up.
People think I'm living my dream right now.
Like, what was your dream as a kid?
What's your name?
- Carter, what do you do right now?
- You're a surgeon? - Wow.
[applause]
- Now are you a single surgeon?
- Not for long.
[laughter, applause]
As soon as this nigga said surgeon, pussy got wet.
Ooh!
Oh, damn.
I got a cut right here.
When you were a kid, what was your kid dream?
- You wanna do this? You wanna talk shit?
But your parents like you're a surgeon?
- You just sucked at this?
- So you were like, I'm gonna just
put people together, then.
He's like, knock, knock. Who's there?
A surgeon, I guess 'cause I suck at this.
That's fire, man.
I mean, your backup plan was an amazing job.
This nigga looking like he sad, nigga.
This nigga be cutting people up to Donell Jones.
♪ Where I wanna be ♪
[vocalizing]
People think I'm living my dream right now, man,
'cause I'm on "SNL."
People think I'm living my dream.
[cheers and applause]
I'm living White people's dreams.
See, I know I'm having a great time, but y'all love "SNL"
on a different level.
White people love "SNL" in a way
that, like, if there was a flag to put on your house
you would have it
with, like, the years that you actually watched the show.
'Cause only White "SNL" fans run up to me like,
ooh, you're living your dream, Chris!
And I'm like, first of all get off me.
Second of all, dream?
Chill.
I'm grateful. I'm very blessed.
It's changed my life,
but dream?
You think I be 5'6" in my dreams?
Nigga, no.
I be 6'10" with wings.
Same size dick, fucking in the sky.
That's a dream.
No, my first dream was to be a basketball player.
Do you know how good you gotta be
at 5'6" to make it to the NBA
only to be remembered as the little nigga that survived?
What kind of legacy is that?
Muggsy Bogues-- - Yup.
- Uh-huh, yup. You said yup.
You don't know one motherfuckin' stat
about Muggsy Bogues.
All you know is that little nigga made it.
And that's fucked up.
That's fucked up.
Now add on top of that the fact that I'm
not good at basketball.
Some would say it's an impossible task.
Then my parents gonna move us to the motherfuckin' suburbs.
So I'm in a White high school
playing with these racists who think I'm good
just 'cause I'm Black.
I felt like Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King.
Because the stereotype was niggas can play basketball.
Well, I was there to show them not every one of us.
[cheers and applause]
I swear to God I was sitting there bro,
and I was sitting there waiting to get picked.
They picked me first. They were like, you.
I'm like, you're going to regret that.
Right before the game started I was like, hike,
just to fuck 'em up, you know what I mean? Just to--
I was terrible at that shit, man.
I remember asking my dad for a basketball hoop.
He was like, nigga, for what?
Because I want to play basketball.
Nigga, for who?
The NBA. What that stand for?
No, Boy, Ah-uh.
The dream I chased a long time was being a rapper.
From 10 to 23, no one could tell me I wasn't
gonna be a rapper, bro.
Nobody could tell me except time.
Time told me pretty abruptly.
I appreciate it so much, 'cause I still write
and all that shit, but a lot of what I did there
helps me what I do now.
But some stuff doesn't cross over, you know?
Like how you hold the mic.
This is a very comedic way to hold
a motherfucking microphone.
Y'all know by the way I'm holding this mic
that some jokes is coming, but if I was to
hold the mic like this,
that's a different motherfucking energy, nigga.
You ever been to a Walgreens, bitch?
Like, no one needs that.
The other thing that's different
is the way we talk to our haters.
Now there's some similarities, you know.
Battle rap and roasting, pretty much aligned.
But rap is always cooler about shit, you know.
The first time I heard a rapper address a hater
was at the beginning of a song, it was Biggie.
He was like, this for the third grade teacher
who said I would never be shit,
and I thought that was dope.
I would do that all the time on my rap tracks.
Like, this is for the motherfuckers who said I
would never be shit in music.
But see my haters were right, and that's
a very different rap song.
You know, this is for all the people who said I
would never be shit in music.
Y'all nailed that, damn.
Crazy. I wanted to be a gangster.
Man, I asked my big cousin, Trey,
come on, cuz, I wanna be in the game.
He's like, all right, man, I'ma introduce you
to my homie Chino.
If he think you're good, he's going to get you some shit.
But if you don't sell all that dawg,
it's gon' be a problem.
I'm like, I could sell anything.
I can sell water to a whale.
This is a kid who has never seen a whale before.
So we get there to Chino's house, right.
We're sitting in Chino's house.
Chino has a gun all the time, you know.
And I was like, hey what's up, Chino, how are you doing.
He's like, ain't no shake hands, my nigga.
So you're trying to sell that shit?
I'm like, yeah.
Like, all right, I'ma give you this.
If you don't sell all that...
[imitates gunshot]
And I looked at my big cousin like, obviously you're
not gonna let him cap me
And he was like, mm? I'm like that's not the res--
No, wait!
But I was too confident, and I also had the shit to prove.
I lived in the suburbs. I had to commute to the hood.
That is not a gangster way to travel.
I was sitting on the train like, we gon'
be there in a minute.
And I went and sold crack for one week.
I sold a lot of drugs.
I sold weed. I was pretty good at that
till I started smoking most of it.
And I sold crack for one week.
You know, I had to get out the game.
You gotta like who you work with.
I don't know if you know this, but crack heads?
Unpredictable, you know?
I was in high school, nigga. I had homework.
I had shit to do.
These niggas don't have stuff.
I sold one bag to this crackhead,
and he was like, thank you.
I closed the door. This nigga said,
ding dong, nigga.
I'm like, dawg, I just sold it to you.
He's like, mm-mm, that was another man.
No, it wasn't.
It was you. Also, I don't have a doorbell.
Why are you just saying ding dong?
But I remember bringing that shit back to him.
I brought all the crack back.
And my nigga, from the trenches,
you know that's not how drug dealing works.
Crack don't come with a receipt, nigga.
You can't bring it back.
Bro, I brought that shit back.
I set it down on the table like, hey, Chino,
here you go.
I sold a little bit, and that's what I got from that.
I'm out the game, Chino.
There's not a piece of crack missing from that.
I didn't even talk like a nigger
who knew how to sell drugs.
He's like hey, yo, sorry, but, like, you know
what has to happen now.
He stood up. I stood up.
He showed me the pistol.
It was sitting in there.
I was like, uh, come on, Chino, it's right there.
You can just sell that shit yourself.
No, no, nigga. I told you. [imitates gunshot]
I'm like, but what if we don't [imitates gunshot], nigga?
What if we do something different?
He's like, no, turn around, nigga.
I'm like, no.
Absolutely not, 'cause listen. This is a tense moment.
If I'm about to get shot, I'm not
about to fuckin' turn around.
No, nigga you have to-- nigga, hit me.
Hit me, nigga.
Hope you can shoot a moving target, nigga.
So he's like, turn around. I'm like, no.
Turn around! No!
Then he pulled the gun out. It was just the handle.
I'm like, Chino. He's like, that's why
I wanted you to turn around, so I can go get my real gun.
He ran to get his real gun.
I ran home to my grandma house.
I got to grandma's house. He knocked on the door.
My grandma came out with a Desert Eagle.
She was like, Chino, take your little bitch ass home.
You better be in church tomorrow.
And that joke is about women's strength, really.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, man, I wanted to be a gangster so bad.
I love the way like weed is right now bro, edible-wise.
Like, I know Saint Louis, y'all in that gray area.
Y'all in that gray area right now, right?
It's jus--Chicago, we was in that gray area
a long time, the gray area is terrible for us,
Black people, because you gotta know where you stand,
and that gray area is weird.
It's like, it's decriminalized but illegal.
Then what the fuck do I do, nigga?
See, right now you could be like, whoop-whoop. Uh-oh!
Hide the weed, I think. You know what I mean?
Like, you-- ohh, you in trouble.
Am I going to jail? You're not not going to jail.
Can I go home? You can't.
Well--mm-mm.
It's a weird place to be at man, especially because weed
is the edibles game right now.
We in the Jetsons as far as edibles are concerned, dawg.
The technological advancements of weed is fire, bro.
Are you kidding me?
You can have any snack you like with weed in it.
That's crazy. Chocolate chip cookie--
tastes like a chocolate chip cookie.
Weed is in there. Nigga, how?
Surgeon?
Shit's amazing, 'cause I come from an era
where you had to buy weed cookies from a grown man
that does not bake.
Y'all ever had to walk in a trap house
and buy weed cookies from a grown gangster making cookies
for the first time?
Yo, these gonna be good as hell, my nigga.
No they not, Marcus. That's a macaroni pie.
That is not how you make cookies, dawg.
Yeah, I ate them. I'm paying for that weed.
Of course I'm gonna eat those cookies,
but they were terrible.
They taste nasty.
And like old macaroni.
You ain't cleaned the pot?
My teeth were green like I was eating lawnmower clippings.
I'm high, but at what cost, ma'am?
They taste good, that also causes a problem.
Because, see, a nigga like me,
I like to get high in the TSA line,
especially when it's busy, 'cause by the time
I get on the plane, they kicking in.
Plane taking off, I'm taking off,
we all getting high together,
you know what I'm saying?
[cheers and applause]
You know?
I'm building community.
So sometimes I finish my snack cookie.
I remember I was like, mmm, snack cookie done.
Reach in my bag, get my weed cookie.
Then I pulled out an unopened package of snack cookies,
and I was like, what?
How are y'all still here? Is this "Inception"?
'Cause I just ate you niggas.
And then I realized I was talking
to fuckin' cookies,
telltale sign you must be high as a motherfucker.
So I became a detective and I reached in my bag
to pull out the evidence, see how much
weed I ate by accident, and it said 550 milligrams.
Oh, some of y'all do weed math, too.
If you don't, it's a lot, motherfucker.
I lost my heartbeat for five minutes straight.
Could not find that bitch. Ohh!
Where's the beat, nigga? Where's the beat?
I was like a deaf rapper in the booth.
Nigga, where's the beat?
I can't find the beat.
I asked the dude behind me what my heart beat was, dawg.
Like, where's my heartbeat at, yo?
That boy was saying, huh?
It's 6:45 in the morning.
I turn back around like, he don't know
where my heartbeat at.
Like it was his fault.
I was losing my fuckin' mind, dawg.
I was getting higher by the second,
and I was just seeing shit.
I got all type of shit going on.
My ADHD got me paying attention to dumb shit.
I saw the motherfucking dawg come around.
I know this nigga sniffs for bombs,
but I'm thinking this thing's gonna get up
on two hind legs like, that nigga high.
Ruff. You know, like dogs do.
My anxiety is like, nigga what if they find out
about everything you ever did?
How?
And my depression's like, hey nigga,
remember the last time you cried in the bathtub?
Like, no.
I never cry in the bathtub. Nigga, I was crying
and I got in the tub eventually, nigga.
That's different.
But then I started talking to myself.
We've all been too high before, or the people that
are in here who've been high.
You know what it is.
You got to talk to yourself nigga, like an adult.
Like hey, hey, come on motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, nigga! Come on.
You are Christopher Redd.
You've been high before, thousands of times.
Get yourself together.
This ain't the first time, nigga.
Be normal.
Be normal!
You know what normal people don't do?
Yell, be normal, to yourself
in a fucking airport.
Because I thought I was thinking this shit, my nigga.
I thought I was really up here with it.
No.
I yelled, be normal, bro.
Be normal!
The dude in front of me was like, what?
I was like, me, me. Mm-mm.
I'm bugging, bro. I'm losing my shit.
Then the line starts moving, and my head goes crazy.
Oh, shit, line moving, nigga.
Walk normal. Walk normal!
Yo, say, hi. Good morning.
Hi. Good morning.
Hi.
Nigga, you are not a Nazi.
What are you doing?
But I did that for 35 minutes.
I said, what's up, good morning,
to the same motherfucker 35 times.
Yo, but the last time I said that shit bro,
last time I said this shit this motherfucker lost his mind.
He was like, it's not a good morning no more, dawg!
But I was too high. I didn't even know
I was the cause of his anger, nigga.
I saw him do that and I was like, damn, he stressed out.
He need a cookie.
I was high as shit. So normal things
that annoy me-- which is a lot of things--
were annoying me even more.
Plane was delayed. Fuckin' hate plane delays.
No, why I hate 'em? Not just 'cause you have to wait,
not 'cause it just pushes your schedule, because it's
the hypocrisy in it.
Like, if we all were late to our flights, what happens?
That motherfucker is gone.
But if the pilot's late, we just
sitting in there eating chips on a dirty fucking carpet.
And I've never seen a pilot rush.
I've never seen a late pilot be like, oh,
I'm so sorry, y'all. [panting]
I slept in. My bad.
Never. They always walk calmly,
like, thank you for your patience.
Bitch, I'd knock your ass out if you
don't fly this goddamn plane.
Thank you for your patience. I don't have a choice.
So I remember they came through.
We finally got on the goddamn plane, man,
and the pilot get on,
uh, thank you for choosing Delta Airlines.
Uh, just spoke to tower, says we're 10th in line to take off.
It's gonna be about an hour and a half wait.
Sorry for the further delay, and thank you
again for your patience.
If we have any updates, we'll update you.
Thank you again for choosing Delta.
And I was upset. I was high.
So the first thing that came out was, fuck tower, nigga.
Fuck that nigga, tower, dawg.
Now I know that's the job, you know what I'm saying?
But for once, I want a pilot for the people.
I want a pilot to get on the intercom,
be like, uh, thank you for choosing Delta Airlines.
Uh, this is your captain speaking.
Just spoke to tower.
We're about 10th in line to take off.
It's gonna be about an hour and a half wait.
Tower doesn't realize I'm a real nigga
and I do real things all day.
We'll be in the air in five minutes
'cause I don't play that shit. Fuck all that.
West Side! Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh!
He's hanging out the plane.
Move, motherfucker, I'm next.
Sometimes he don't even land all the way.
He just hover like, yo, jump out.
You're going to Kansas.
That's the pilot I wanna die with.
Oh, you die with that nigga.
- Try United! - Say what?
- United? Who said that?
You said try United?
Do you think that was my problem?
Do you think I just never switched up airlines, nigga?
Like, oh, Delta, please do right.
But I'm not in a bad relationship.
Delta, do right by me.
Delta!
When you were a kid, what'd you want to be?
- She ain't have no dreams.
- First of all, what's very funny about this is
I asked her that, and before she could answer it
this nigga here said, she ain't got no dreams.
Whoo!
That's the kind of hate I can get behind, nigga.
That's lewd.
What?
I ain't never heard a nigga, from afar,
hear somebody say some shit and be like,
that bitch ain't got no dreams.
The only thing that would make that better
if I asked you what you do,
you was like, a sleep doctor.
What do you do, bro?
- You're an admissions counselor?
- Yeah.
- You must be fucking--
Hey, hey, hold on.
You must be brutal, nigga.
Hey, what's up man?
So what you coming to college for, man?
I wanna be a lawyer. Mm-mm.
No, you don't.
You ever tried janitor?
So the plane's taking off, right?
Yeah we're having fun in here for sure.
So the plane's taking off. I'm taking off.
'Cause we all know if you've ever been too high,
there's a moment where you start to come down.
You think you're coming down right before it gets
way the fuck worse.
So I'm having that moment as we're taking off as I
planned, so I'm feeling good.
I feel like I'm floating, dawg, you know?
I'm like, oh man, this is amazing.
But I was doing this in real life.
I don't know if you've ever done this shit
next to a person on a plane, but they don't like it.
Dude sitting next to me was the same dude
lost his mind in the TSA line.
He's like, yo what is wrong with you, man?
And I couldn't be nothing but honest.
I was like, damn nigga, you can see that?
I thought that was how I felt, nigga, my bad.
But that wasn't even the highest thing
I did on that flight, bro.
Because at one point I stopped the flight attendant
to ask her where the plane is landing.
Do you know how high you gotta be
to ask a flight attendant
where the plane is landing, casually,
like you're asking for peanuts?
'Cause I did it. I stopped like,
hey, excuse me ma'am.
Where's the plane landing?
And she looked at me for a long time.
She's like, what?
Then I clarified.
The plane--where is it landing?
I clarified the plane, like that was
the problem with the question.
And she was like, Utah, sir.
Nigga, for what? Who's there?
And I was scared for real, niggas.
I ain't know what the fuck a Utah was.
As a Black man that travels the world,
you gotta know what kind of White people
are gonna be in a place because
of history at any point ever.
Read a book, you know?
So then I hit my friend up.
I was like, yo, I'm going to Utah to do some shows man.
What's the vibe like out there?
And then he was like, don't give up.
Fuck are you talking about? I'm going to do shows.
He's like, nigga for who? Who's out there?
So he didn't help.
So I got out there and I realized who's out there,
you know what I'm saying?
I met different types of people that I had never met
in my life before in person.
Meth heads, and I had never seen a meth head in person.
Only in "Breaking Bad" and Netflix documentaries,
which I think was just "Breaking Bad."
Very different for me.
Chicago, we have some of the best crackheads in the world.
If there was an Olympic games for crackheads,
we'd win every year for events like
leaning but never falling.
You know what I'm saying?
You ever seen a crackhead almost fall for 15 minutes?
That shit is amazing.
Nigga, look at the nigga ankles.
Oh, the strength in that nigga ankles, he going for the gold.
A meth head was a completely different experience.
First of all, they were mostly White.
I was like, whoa. Second of all,
it was a different high.
He was like, yo, give me a dollar brother.
And before I could get the dollar out
he took off running full speed.
I was confused.
I'm like how do you get the dollar, fam?
Are you gonna lap back around the block?
I don't understand.
And then I saw him later trying to lift
a Nissan Altima with his bare hands.
So it's a different kind of drug.
And Mormons and like--what?
Like, I know they got a book on Broadway,
but them niggas different.
That shit crazy to me.
OK, so a Mormon comic came
to pick me up from the airport, right.
So we had a good conversation about Mormonism,
'cause I had never cared before.
Oh, I know you all care about everything, nigga.
I can't.
I ain't got the time.
We had a good conversation about it man, you know?
And he was like, well we can't have sex until marriage.
I'm like damn, that sucks 'cause sex is dope.
And he's like, well there are loopholes.
And that's when I said,
what?
He's like, there are loopholes. Oh, I heard what you said.
I just don't know what that means, fam.
And he was like, well, Jesus says
you can't have sex with a vagina,
but no one said anything about the butt.
And then that's when I said, whose Jesus is this?
Not my Jesus. You got a ratchet Jesus, sir.
Your Jesus is from New Jersey.
Your Jesus came back on Monday,
a day late, with an open robe and some frantic energy.
Whoo! It got crazy up there, saints.
Sorry about that. Anyway, water to wine.
Fuck that butt. See you on Christmas, all right?
It's your boy!
How long have y'all been together?
- 10 months?
Oh, that's fresh as hell.
I don't fuck with couples under a year,
you know what I'm saying?
Anything can break you niggas up.
How did y'all meet?
- Your friend's Tinder?
- It was your face, but her Tinder?
So your friend was catfishing with your face,
and she tried to catfish this nigga and you were like,
mm, I got this bitch.
Move out the way.
I love love. I really do, man. I really love love a lot.
I think about my parents all the time.
It's probably why I love love, because I've seen two people
in love, you know what I mean?
And I think you ask anyone in love, they're like,
well, the thing is communication and loyalty.
But I also think a major part of being in love
for a long time is pettiness.
You need a masterful amount of pettiness
in a relationship in a good one.
Because I've seen good couples outside.
Only good couples can do shit like fight in the morning
and still go out that same day 'cause you
already bought tickets.
You know what I'm saying?
We've seen these couples outside at Olive Gardens
and Olive Gardens,
mostly Olive Gardens.
I worked at an Olive Garden.
But you always see 'em-- Fuck you! Fuck you!
Table for two, please.
It's my only day off. Don't embarrass me in here.
Shit's real, bro. I really think that.
I think the worst love story of all time is "Romeo and Juliet."
I think that's the worst, Whitest
love story of all time.
My family doesn't like your family.
Let's kill ourselves. Nigga, what?
That's some bullshit. I've been in real love, man.
Families don't get along all the fuckin' time.
You don't go home and end it.
That's insane, you immature motherfucker.
I've been in real love. My girl had to come home
like, let's kill ourselves for love.
I'd be like-- [chuckles]
You go first.
I'm right behind you. The poison's right here. Ahh!
That wouldn't work out.
I'm Black in America you know what I mean?
Cops show up. She dead, I'm not.
How that look?
You're saying she killed herself, sir?
For love, Officer.
Heard of it?
Why you ain't kill yourself?
Someone has to tell our story.
I will not be forgotten.
In this story, I do have hair.
You should never hit a woman. Transition.
Smooth as shit.
I believe that firmly. You should never hit a woman.
I've been raised to believe that,
and I agreed when I grew up.
Another thing I agree with we don't understand,
though, is my dad always said, now, Son,
when you walk with a woman outside after a date you walk
on the outside closest to the street,
she walks on the inside.
Because that's what gentlemen do.
Because just in case a car jumps the curb,
you can stop it with your love or some dumb shit.
It don't make no sense.
Even if I was getting robbed on the street,
they're not coming from my side to be polite.
That's insane.
But I do it anyway. I don't understand.
But that's how raising works, right?
Your parents instill some shit, and you get older
and you're like, mm-hmm, I still agree.
I would never do that, not built like that,
I would never even think about it,
even though I have met some women where I was like,
I get it.
But I would never do it.
I would never do it.
I promise you, I've thrown people out of my life
for this shit, bro, for real.
Like I had a cousin and one of my best friends
I had to throw out my life, bro.
I had to pull him off his girlfriend several times.
Our last conversation I was like,
dawg, if you keep doing this shit I can't be around you,
can't associate myself with you at all.
He was like, Chris I know I got a problem, man.
It's just sometimes she just makes me so mad, dawg,
and so I throw her in traffic.
Nigga, what?
You wanna throw her in traffic?
That's crazy, my nigga.
Because traffic is still.
You not even hurting her, nigga.
She's just in the way.
How you bad and dumb?
Get the fuck out of my house, dawg.
I hate that shit, bro.
I'll tell you the story. So we were in Chicago.
Negative 20 degrees,
broad nighttime.
We were both drunk. I was driving.
Shouldn't have been. It was illegal.
What you gonna do, go back in time, "Minority Report" me?
Shut the fuck up.
I'm deflecting, I'm sorry.
Deborah would say I'm deflecting.
So we're having a fight.
I'm trying to get her back in the car.
And I was like, yo, just get in the car.
We'll talk about this at home.
She's like, nuh uh, fucking get away from me.
I'll smack the shit out of you, Chris.
I'm like, no you won't. Then she did it
because she's goal oriented.
Also I was high as hell,
cocky about it, and real slow to react.
Like, I saw the smack coming I was like,
we got more time.
No, we don't.
Also, who is we?
I'm sitting there with a freshly smacked face.
She's like, you ain't gonna do nothing Chris,
'cause you was raised right.
Like, what the fuck kind of shit is that to say?
That's attacking all my ego.
Now I gotta kill this bitch, you know what I'm saying?
Obviously I didn't do that.
That'd be crazy to fucking kill someone
and then do a tour about it.
What am I, a '90s rapper?
No.
So I obviously didn't do that, you know what I'm saying?
Then she started getting cocky.
If you ever hit somebody, you know, once you hit somebody,
it connects, you start getting fuckin'--
You think you Mayweather.
She swung again, this time hard as hell,
and I could see it coming.
And I ducked, and she twirled and the sound
she made when she twirled is a sound I've never
heard from anyone again.
She twirled, it was like, whoa!
This is a grown Black woman from Chicago.
Whoa! Yeah, that's--
The fuck is that, dawg?
That's Porky Pig cumming, dawg.
That's what that is.
Whoa! That's all folks.
And she twirled around, she fell in the bushes
right behind her, dawg.
And I loved every second of that.
'Cause I can't hit her, I won't hit her.
But that bush, whew.
It was negative 20 degrees.
That bush-- no leaves, all sticks.
[audience oohs]
You heard the whole fall.
[imitates branches cracking]
Man, I love that bush.
Every time I go back to Chicago, I drive by that bush
and I salute that motherfuckin' bush.
Only Bush I would have voted for, to be honest with you.
[applause]
And I looked up to my cousin Trey.
He was the coolest, like I told you all before.
I gave you a little sample of that nigga.
But he was the dopest, he was the most gangster, cool.
He had the most money, girls, cars, all that.
He was also mean as hell, and he definitely did
rob all of us at one point.
He was the type of guy that robbed his family
before he took his talents to the streets,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Take your $100, make you look for it with him.
Like, it's weird, you know?
But I looked up to this man because he was
the toughest dude, and I was like, come on Trey,
let me be down, like, nah, nah,
you fucked up the shit with Chino, nigga,
you ain't even ready for this.
Like, no, come on man, you know what I'm sayin',
I'm older now. Let's go.
He was like, all right you gotta be ready for whatever.
I'm like, when that day come, when whatever come,
I'ma be fuckin' ready, cuz.
Three weeks later, we walk into the corner store
you know, just get some fucking candy
or whatever the fuck I'm getting,
and then all of a sudden my cousin pushed this dude.
Dude turn around, who the fuck pushed me?
And I was like, I'm about to see my cousin get it in.
This is dope. And my cousin was like, he did.
And I was like--
Oh, whatever is here, nigga.
You know, he was like, I'ma to fuck you up,
motherfucker.
And I didn't know what to say,
so all that came out was, nah!
I thought that was a good place to start.
I don't see the outcome you see.
I don't know anybody that starts a fight like,
I'ma fuck you up. Yeah you are!
Make it quick, you know, I don't know that.
I'm not that guy.
I said nah, but I knew that nah wasn't enough.
I could tell by the faces of everyone who
was watching the altercation.
My cousin's like, uh-huh.
I was like, oh, OK. [clears throat]
So I just said what he said, I'm like, no I'm a fuck you up.
Here's the thing about me saying it,
is that I didn't make it to "up," um--
So what I said to this grown man was,
I'ma fuck you!
Which is a very different message,
I think.
Now, the reason I didn't get to "up" is because
he hit me so fast in the throat.
I mean, directly in the middle, and I farted right after that.
I don't know if you know anything about the body,
but these two things ain't connected at all.
You shouldn't get hit here and--[imitates fart]
That shouldn't happen to you, dawg.
Bro, it was crazy. Did you ever sneeze
and fart at the same time, and realize
you're not in control of your life? You ever--
Achoo. [imitates fart] What the fuck?
That has to be Jesus. That's crazy.
I farted, bro, and it was wild.
Like, it pissed my cousin off.
He grabbed me from under my arm,
dragged me all the way home.
And it was crazy. I was being heckled
by the crackhead across the street
'cause he saw a very different fight
than the fight that went down.
He was like, that's right!
Don't let nobody fuck you!
You know, man, I was like no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And my cousin threw me in the house.
Motherfucker, see, I told you you ain't built for this shit.
Nigga, you out here getting hit in your goddamn throat
and tootin'? I'm like, tootin'?
This is a grown gangster, killer for sure.
Tootin'?
Like a choo-choo train, nigga?
He's like, you tootin'!
It wasn't the right time to make fun of the man,
but I kept it in here.
He ain't talk to me for about half a year.
I thought my gangster career was over with, truly.
And then he called me, right. I put it on speakerphone,
'cause I had been talking to my friends
who I play video games with.
I was like, I'ma tell you, my cousin
gon' to call me, man, and he's gonna let me
come back and prove myself.
Shit's gonna be dope. Then he finally did.
I saw the call coming, so we all
gathered around the speakerphone,
put on speakerphone, like what's up, cuz?
What's good? I'm sittin' there frontin'
and then he says, first line, he was like,
Hey, I found the nigga you farted on.
I didn't fart on the nigga.
So I picked up the phone like, hey, nigga,
you could say, hi, bro.
That works, too.
He's like, listen, yo, you wanna roll with me
and my niggas, man, so you go ahead and prove yourself?
I'm like, hell yeah, cuz, I'm ready to redeem myself.
He was like, you are not a coupon, nigga,
shut the fuck up.
I was like, right, right. And then I got in the car.
I was in the middle in the back seat.
It was two grown ass motherfuckers that I just
knew rolled with my cousin, there,
and my cousin was in the passenger side,
and my other cousin was driving the car.
And he's like, yo, they right up the street.
So we gonna roll up on these motherfuckers,
pop out, knock they ass out, then we gonna
to go to McDonald's for whatever reason.
So we riding for a while.
I'm like, yo, so they right up the street?
He's like yeah, they right up the street.
I'm like, all right, it's a long street, nigga.
And then I had to pee, so I had to ask him.
I was like yo, yo, hey cuz, can we stop
so I can piss real quick?
He's like, hell no! Only bitches pee.
I'm like that's not true at all.
I know we gangsta, nigga, but come on.
But the dude next to me was so scared of my cousin.
He was like, I ain't never peed a day in my life.
Like, who the fuck is this idiot?
I'm like, come on, cuz, stop so I can pee.
I ain't stopping, dawg, so piss yourself.
What a terrible outfit to wear to a fight.
They already know me as fart boy.
Now I gotta show up and waddle up in piss pants.
I'm not doing that.
I was like, come on stop. He's like, we're not stopping,
and neither was this piss, so I had to figure something out.
I saw this cup that was sitting right there for a long time.
Nobody was drinking out of it.
I watched it for five more minutes.
Nobody drank out of it again, so I grabbed it.
It was pretty empty.
I made a wall with my coat.
A pee wall, if you will.
And I pissed in it, put the cap back on, put it back
in the middle, and I watched it to make sure
nobody drank out of it.
Also, if someone did,
I wasn't gon' say shit.
because I was terrified, nigga, what?
But I was watching it like I was gonna say shit,
but I wasn't gonna say shit, though.
And no one touched it, though. I was so glad.
Until the very end of the ride, right before we got
to where we was going, man.
It was slow motion.
My cousin rolled the window down, threw out the blunt,
then he did this.
[smacks lips]
The driest mouth in the county, nigga.
Then he grabs it and takes the biggest swig of that shit
I ever seen in my life.
Y'all acting like y'all were there.
Shit was nasty, bro.
And he was like, ugh, what the fuck?
He threw that shit out the window like
who the fuck put warm beer in my cup, bro?
And that's when I knew for sure that my cousin
had never drank piss before.
[cheers and applause]
I'm glad y'all proud of him, too.
I was gonna take that shit to the grave with me, man,
but then my cousin got locked up, so I feel safe.
I'm just playing. I'm just playing.
I told him for real.
He did get locked up for stuff he definitely did.
Now I'm not snitching, it's public knowledge
at this point.
He's gone for a minute, but we still fall for him.
And I don't know if you know how fucked up
it is to know someone's guilty but still
be out there with "Free Trey" shirts, knowing he did it.
Free Trey! Knowing that nigga guilty.
Free Trey! He was definitely there.
Free Trey! Planned the whole thing.
Because that was like my family motto.
We ride for each other regardless of the fact,
and that might put us in some difficult situations,
but that's what we do.
And we're out there, free Trey!
But in the back of my mind, I was like,
take your time, though.
I was there when his house got raided.
I didn't wanna be there, you know what I'm saying?
They don't warn you when they come in.
It's kinda they thing.
They pop up, surprise party you never wanted.
All I know is it was, like, the fifth time I was
ever high, playing "Call of Duty."
And "Call of Duty" got real IMAX 3D on a nigga.
'Cause as I was swinging in a house with a gun on the game,
they swung in our house with guns.
And I was like, damn.
PS2 is on some new shit.
Oh, these niggas are real.
I got on the ground. They pushed my cousin
Trey to the wall, they were like,
freeze, Trey Johnson, you under arrest.
And that's when Trey said the wildest thing
I've ever heard anyone say to the police to their face.
He looked him dead in their eyes
and he was like,
about time.
And everyone was confused immediately.
what? I think a bird stopped flying.
Like, nigga what?
He's like, you should have caught me last year.
We was like, shut up!
You still gotta go to court, fam.
It's gonna be a slam dunk case.
And it was. I've never seen somebody
go to jail that fast.
I think the prosecutor wore sweat pants.
Nobody tried.
Even the cops were gonna help this nigga out.
They were like, you do have the right to remain silent,
my nigga.
Like, you won't silence me.
It was a confusing part of Trey's takedown,
and I remember when he went to jail,
a lot of people wrote him off, you know.
I still put money on his books and went to visit him,
'cause I just don't like the thought of my fuckin' family
being alone, no matter if they bad or not.
So I would go visit him, right?
And he was definitely still an asshole about it.
I went to visit him he's like, oh, look at this bitch ass
nigga Chris, coming up seeing me.
Oh, bitch ass nigga. [imitating farts]
Who am I?
I'm like, dawg, it wasn't even that kind of fart, dawg.
You gotta chill.
And he's like, nah you're the bitch that fart.
[imitating farts] Look at your ass.
So I'm impulsive, so I lost it.
And I was like, that's why you drank my pee nigga!
All right, here's the thing about this
is, yes I did do that weird ass
Morphin' time Power Ranger shit,
but also, I definitely forgot people
heard that out of context.
And it was so weird for the room.
Everybody was like, oh, we're done for the day, uh--
But what was fucked up about it,
is as soon as I said that, the look on his face,
he knew the exact day I was fuckin' talking about.
It had been years.
The second I saw it, he was like, I knew
that wasn't warm beer!
That nigga punched out a guard. [imitates blow landing]
That guard didn't do anything.
We ain't talked for months, man.
I thought we would never talk again.
Then he hit me, you know, to come visit him.
So I did.
And it was different, you know?
I pulled up, and he had a whole different vibe.
He was like, hey cuz, come sit down, boy.
Hey man, it's good to see you, my nigga.
You look good.
So already I'm like, what the fuck is this?
He's like, hey man, I just wanna say, dawg,
like, man, I got my GED in here.
You know, I got a job and shit. I've been going to counseling.
Started working through my shit, you know?
I'm a Muslim now.
I'm like, oh, congratulations.
He's like yeah, dawg, I read the Bible every day.
I'm like, that's the wrong book, um--
He in there a long time.
I ain't about to fuck up his progress.
And he's like, yo, I just wanna say, man, like
I know you looked up to me, dawg,
and I didn't do right by you as your big cousin, man,
and I apologize for that shit, dawg, you know?
It was weirdly a sweet moment.
But I had to ask him, though, I was like, yo, man,
when you got arrested, though, cuz, like,
and you said, "About time,
should have caught me last year."
Why did you say that?
And he was like, look man, I only had two options.
I had a lot of guns upstairs, could have lit that shit up,
went out like Scarface, you know what I'm saying?
But you and my sister and my brother was downstairs.
I couldn't put you all through that shit,
so I knew it was my time to go.
But I wanted all them niggas in that room to know.
All them cops. I want the all them cops to know
they are very bad detectives.
And that's the level of petty I want
in my relationship, nigga.
Because that's petty.
That's petty. [cheers and applause]
My man went to jail for life only to have cops
going to bed like, last year?
What did we miss? You know?
[applause]
Hey, thank y'all so motherfuckin' much!
I love you, St. Louis! Peace!
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- As a kid, what was your kid dream?
- To party.
- To party?
That was your childhood dream?
Nigga's like, I wanna be a basketball player.
I wanna be Superman.
I wanna party right here.
Turn it up, nigga, I can't hear the beat.
Can you imagine seeing that kid?
Recess is over. It ain't never over, bitch!
♪ ♪
- ♪ Why am I like this? ♪