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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Bill: THANK YOU, MIAMI. WOW!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I APPRECIATE THAT MORE THAN I
CAN TELL YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
THANK YOU.
I... I APPRECIATE THAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH
ALL THE, UH, PROTOCOLS THAT WE
HAVE TO DO, BUT STILL THAT'S WHY
I FUCKING CAME TO FLORIDA TO GET AWAY FROM THAT SHIT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS, WELCOME
TO THE SHOW.
BUT HONESTLY, THANK YOU FOR
CHOOSING TO LIVE, TO COME OUT OF
YOUR HOLE AND LIVE LIFE, YOU
KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THAT.
AND WE CAN... CAN WE BE A LITTLE
HAPPY?
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A VACCINE NOW.
NOBODY WHO HAS THE VACCINE DIES,
NOBODY.
IT'S LIKE, UH, CAN'T... CAN'T WE
JUST TAKE OUR VICTORY AND GO
HOME?
I MEAN, I STILL SEE SOME MASKS HERE.
I SEE IT ALL OVER WHEN I WORK ON
THE ROAD.
PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH MASKS,
AND I KNOW THEY'RE VACCINATED.
I MEAN, DO YOU KEEP THE CONDOM
ON AFTER YOU FUCK?
NO, I'M NOT...
AND SIR, ENJOY THAT MASK.
IT'S NOT... I'M NOT MAKING FUN
OF YOU IN PARTICULAR, BUT I KIND
OF AM.
BUT... BUT I OFTEN... MAYBE THIS
IS JUST L.A., I STILL
SEE YOUNG PEOPLE, ALONE, WALKING
OUTSIDE WITH A MASK, I WANNA
FUCKING PUNCH THEM AND BREATHE
ON THEM.
I... YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE
YOUNG, YOU'VE GOT THE GOOD IMMUNE SYSTEM.
IT'S OUTSIDE.
PLAY THE ODDS A LITTLE BIT, YOU
FUCKING PUSSIES.
I MEAN... WE'RE... NO REALLY,
WE'RE RAISING A GENERATION OF
HOWIE MANDELS.
[BOOS]
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
WE INDUCED MASS HYSTERIA IN
THIS.
I SEE PEOPLE IN THE CAR, ALONE,
WITH A MASK.
YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT FROM
THE RADIO?
I MEAN, AND LOOK, I HAVE IT IN
PERSPECTIVE.
I CERTAINLY GIVE NO QUARTER TO
THE NUTS WHO THINK THAT, YOU
KNOW, BILL GATES PUT A TRACKING
DEVICE IN THE VACCINE.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE THOSE NUTS
OUT THERE, RIGHT?
LIKE WE COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
TRACKING YOUR FAT ASS TO THE
PIGGLY WIGGLY.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT, YOU KNOW, IN GENERAL,
EXCUSE ME, HEALTH IS STILL A
MYSTERY FROM BEGINNING TO END.
WHAT, HOW IS TRUMP STILL ALIVE?
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW, DICK CHENEY HAS A
HEART THAT PLUGS INTO THE WALL.
REALLY?
HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT TRUMP,
UNLIKE LIKE EVERY OTHER
PRESIDENT, DID NOT AGE IN
OFFICE?
WE DID.
[LAUGHTER]
WE AGED A LOT.
THIS GUY LOOKS THE SAME.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW. I, JUST THE PSYCHIC RELIEF,
RIGHT?
I MEAN, JOE ISN'T PERFECT, BUT,
YOU KNOW, JUST NOT TO HAVE TO
WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND LOOK AT
YOUR PHONE LIKE, OH, FUCK, WHAT,
OH, THE... THE HEAD OF HOMELAND
SECURITY IS IVANKA'S WEDDING
PLANNER NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT,
THAT KIND OF SHIT, I...
PRICELESS IS WHAT.
IT'S FUNNY.
FOX NEWS ALWAYS IS LIKE, "WELL,
JOE BIDEN, UH, PRESIDENT BIDEN
HAS A DIFFERENT STYLE."
DIFFERENT STYLE.
YEAH, LIKE HE SIDES WITH
AMERICA, UH, YOU KNOW, LITTLE
THINGS LIKE THAT, LIKE HE'S,
WHEN THERE'S A WAR WITH RUSSIA,
HE'S ON OUR SIDE AND NOT
PUTIN'S.
[APPLAUSE]
SHEESH.
SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT BILL
CLINTON, BUT FOR ALL HIS FAULTS,
HE WAS BLOWN BY AN AMERICAN,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN
AMERICAN.
[LAUGHTER] IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME AND
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS NOT
GONE.
HE'S JUST NOT PRESIDENT NOW.
I MEAN, I WAS SAYING FROM
THE VERY BEGINNING, YOU KNOW,
THAT I WAS TRYING TO ALARM
PEOPLE THAT HE'S RIGHT NOW
BEHIND THE SCENES TRYING TO FIX
IT, SO HE CAN DO WHAT HE
COULDN'T DO LAST TIME TO THIS
NEXT ELECTION.
I SAID FROM THE BEGINNING HE WAS
NEVER GONNA CONCEDE IF HE LOST.
EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "OH, BILL,
YOU SMOKE TOO MUCH POT."
WELL, APPARENTLY, I SMOKE JUST
THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF POT.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DO YOU
DO?
HERE'S THE QUESTION OF THE
NIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN, LIKE A LOT
OF THE PEOPLE IN THE GOVERNMENT
DON'T BELIEVE IN OUR FORM OF
GOVERNMENT?
YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE
REPUBLICANS DID NOT CONDEMN
JANUARY 6, YOU KNOW, TED CRUZ,
JOSH HAWLEY, YOU KNOW, THESE
PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT STUPID.
THEY'RE HARVARD AND YALE.
AND THEN THERE'S MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE, THE STAR OF "THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF KAREN COUNTY."
[LAUGHTER]
THIS CHICK IS ABOUT A MOOD SWING
FROM GETTING NAKED IN A TARGET.
HOW IS SHE NOT A MIDDLE SCHOOL
TEACHER IN FLORIDA, WHO'S
FUCKING HER STUDENTS?
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S WHAT I... OH, I LOVE YOU,
FLORIDA. YOU KNOW I FUCKING LOVE FLORIDA.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
BUT YEAH, I MEAN, I WORRY ABOUT
THE ONES WHO ARE NOT THE
STUPID... BUT I WORRY ABOUT THE
TED CRUZ, YOU KNOW, THE
AMBITIOUS ONES.
HE'S BEEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
SINCE HE WAS THREE, CALCULATING
WHEN HE RAN IN 2016, THEY ONCE
ASKED HIM A SOFTBALL QUESTION OF
ALL TIME ON "THE TODAY SHOW."
THEY HAD SAID, "WHAT MUSIC DO
YOU LISTEN TO?"
NOW, A HUMAN WOULD JUST TELL
YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
TED CRUZ SAID, WELL, BEFORE
9/11, I USED TO LISTEN TO
CLASSIC ROCK, BUT AFTER 9/11, IT
JUST FELT MORE RIGHT TO LISTEN
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
WHY?
WAS THE WORLD TRADE CENTER
ATTACKED BY THREE DOG NIGHT?
[LAUGHTER] WHAT?
IT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT THAT
THE REPUBLICAN WHO TURNED OUT TO
HAVE THE MOST RESPONSIBILITY WAS
MIKE PENCE, WHO DID THE
RIGHT THING ON JANUARY 6, RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I MEAN, COME ON, YOU GOT TO.
AND MIKE PENCE IS NOW... HE'S
TALKED A LOT ABOUT JANUARY 6
SINCE THEN.
HE SAYS "DONALD TRUMP AND I WILL
NEVER SEE EYE TO EYE ON THAT
DAY."
BUT HE WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW HE
STILL SUPPORTS DONALD TRUMP AND
HE WILL NOT LET THE MEDIA USE
ONE TRAGIC DAY TO DISCREDIT THE
ASPIRATIONS OF MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS, WHICH WAS TO KILL
MIKE PENCE.
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE THIS.
HE ALSO SAYS HE WANTS TO STAY
FRIENDS WITH TRUMP, BUT RIGHT
NOW IT'S DIFFICULT.
DIFFICULT... YES. OH, YEAH.
I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A
GUY, BUT ALWAYS THAT AWKWARDNESS
LINGERING IN THE BACKGROUND
ABOUT THE TIME HE TRIED TO HAVE
YOU KILLED WHEN YOU WOULDN'T
HELP HIM OVERTHROW THE
GOVERNMENT.
AM I RIGHT?
IS THAT NOT RELATABLE?
HONESTLY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT
THE ENABLERS?
YOU KNOW, TRUMP DIDN'T GET THERE
BY HIMSELF, A LOT OF PEOPLE
ALONG THE WAY, AND STILL THERE.
THE ONES AT THE BEGINNING, ALSO.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW THIS WAS GOING
TO GO SOUTH THE FIRST WEEK WHEN
HE SAID McCAIN WASN'T A WAR HERO
AND THE REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I WAS LIKE, OH, FUCK.
AND HE'S... AND THEN HE KEPT
MAKING FUN OF McCAIN EVEN AFTER
HE DIED.
AND McCAIN'S WIDOW, LINDSEY
GRAHAM, SAYS NOTHING.
[LAUGHTER] NOTHING.
I MEAN, HOW DOES HE... TRUMP...
HOW DOES HE TURN THESE PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW, WHO USED TO BE KIND OF
NORMAL REPUBLIC... RUDY
GIULIANI, THE ONLY VAMPIRE
ATTRACTED TO GARLIC.
[LAUGHTER]
AND, YOU KNOW, HE COULD GO TO
JAIL.
THEY RAIDED HIS APARTMENT, THE
FBI, ONE OF THOSE NO-KNOCKS LIKE
6:00 IN THE MORNING.
HE WAS JUST GETTING INTO HIS
COFFIN.
[LAUGHTER]
DON JR. COULD GO TO JAIL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEY'RE LOOKING INTO THE TRUMP
FAMILY FINANCES NOW.
AND TRUST ME, WHEN HE DOES TRUMP
WILL GO "I KNEW HIM VERY
BRIEFLY.
[LAUGHTER]
HE WAS MY SON FOR A SHORT PERIOD
OF TIME.
I HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH A
LOT OF PEOPLE."
YOU KNOW, TRUMP, IT WAS SUCH A,
I DON'T KNOW, DELIBERATELY
TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING THAT YOU
COULD FORGIVE THE LEFT FOR LIKE
GOING A LITTLE CRAZY ABOUT HIM.
I DID.
WENT A LITTLE AND WOULDN'T
BELIEVE ANYTHING BAD.
NOT, YOU KNOW, NOW LOOK BACK.
SOME OF THE THINGS LIKE THE
THING ABOUT HE PAID TWO HOOKERS
TO PEE ON EACH OTHER IN A HOTEL
ROOM IN MOSCOW.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
I BELIEVE HE DID IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE HE PAID THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS, YOU
GOT SOME NERVE ASKING ME TO COME
OVER TO THE REPUBLICAN SIDE IF
YOU'RE STILL ENTHRALL TO THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE.
ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU KNOW WHAT?
I NEVER LOSE PERSPECTIVE.
THE REPUBLICANS DO NOT BELIEVE
IN THE EMERGENCY OF CLIMATE
CHANGE, AND THEY APPARENTLY NO
LONGER BELIEVE IN AMERICAN
DEMOCRACY AS LONG AS THAT'S
WHERE YOU ARE, THAT PARTY IS NOT
EVEN SAVABLE.
MAYBE I'M A COCKEYED OPTIMIST,
BUT I STILL THINK THE DEMOCRATS
ARE SAVABLE.
[APPLAUSE]
I MEAN, SOME DAYS THEY TEST ME.
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO PUT
THIS COUNTRY BACK TOGETHER.
I MEAN, ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT,
"A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF
CANNOT STAND."
[APPLAUSE]
OF COURSE HE'S CANCELED NOW, SO
FUCK HIM.
[LAUGHTER]
SEE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
I MEAN, LINCOLN WAS... I MEAN,
YEAH, THEY TOOK DOWN THE STATUES
IN SOME PLACES, TOOK HIS NAME
OFF HIGH SCHOOLS, INCLUDING IN
ILLINOIS, LAND OF LINCOLN.
LAND OF LINCOLN CANCELED
LINCOLN.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO
LIBERALS.
ATTENTION, WHOLE FOOD SHOPPERS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN WHAT YOU'RE DOING SOUNDS
LIKE A HEADLINE IN THE ONION.
STOP DOING THAT.
OKAY?
STOP DOING THAT.
[APPLAUSE]
THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT ALWAYS
REVISITING THE PAST AND
HISTORICAL PEOPLE WHO DON'T
SHARE YOUR CURRENT WOKE
MENTALITY, WHAT A CHEAP WAY TO
LOOK ENLIGHTENED AND BIG
YOURSELF UP.
FUCK YOU, ABRAHAM LINCOLN ISN'T
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT
WE EVEN HAVE TO QUESTION THAT
IS, DON'T EVEN START.
BUT LOOK, EVERY GENERATION.
EVERY GENERATION IS THE WHAT
WERE YOU THINKING GENERATION?
YOU KNOW, FIRST TIME I FLEW TO
THIS CITY, I SMOKED ON THE
PLANE.
[LAUGHTER] REALLY?
WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?
SMOKING.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY WAS COMPLETELY FINE WITH IT.
IT'S JUST WHAT WE DID.
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, DOCTORS.
DOCTORS USED TO DO CIGARETTE
ADS.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
YOU CAN LOOK... LOOK UP AN OLD
"LIFE MAGAZINE." A LUNG SURGEON NEEDS STEADY
HANDS.
[LAUGHTER]
I SWEAR YOU CAN FIND THAT.
THEY USED TO PUT HEROIN IN COUGH
MEDICINE AND COCAINE IN SOFT
DRINKS.
THAT WAS NOT A BAD IDEA.
[LAUGHTER]
WE USED TO, LIKE, JUST LITTER
OUT THE CAR WINDOW.
LIKE, WHATEVER WAS IN YOUR HAND,
JUST FUCKING THROW IT OUT THE
WINDOW.
[LAUGHTER] NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG.
AND THEN THEY MADE THE COMMERCIAL WITH THE CRYING
INDIAN, AND WE WERE LIKE,
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MADE INDIANS CRY.
I'M SORRY.
[LAUGHTER] WE DON'T HAVE TO THROW SHIT OUT
THE WINDOW.
AND WE STOPPED, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, MY MOTHER DRANK DURING
HER PREGNANCY, AND I CAME OUT
PERFECTLY NORMAL.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WAIT.
WHY IS THAT FUNNY?
AND I MUST SAY ON THAT SCORE, I
HAVE SEEN THIS A COUPLE OF TIMES
IN A RESTAURANT.
A PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING
DINNER, DRINKING A GLASS OF
WINE, AND SOME STRANGER WILL
COME OVER AND SCOLD HER, OKAY,
THIS BULLSHIT HAS TO STOP IN
AMERICA.
THE SNITCHES AND BITCHES COUNTRY
WE LIVE IN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
[APPLAUSE]
AND I BET YOU THE PERSON WHO'S
DOING THE SCOLDING WAS
PRO-CHOICE.
AND I'M PRO-CHOICE.
BUT I GET THE OTHER ARGUMENT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A FETUS
IS LIFE, BUT IT'S UNDENIABLY
BECOMING A LIFE.
SO WHAT, YOU'RE OKAY WITH
KILLING IT, BUT NOT GETTING IT A
LITTLE DRUNK?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE OKAY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SO YES, LINCOLN SAID SOME RACIST
THINGS.
SO DID EVERY WHITE PERSON IN
1860.
COLUMBUS HAD SLAVES.
SO DID EVERYONE IN 1492 WHO
COULD AFFORD IT, INCLUDING
PEOPLE OF COLOR IN OTHER
PARTS OF THE WORLD.
[APPLAUSE]
APPLAUSE FOR THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ARE WE APPLAUDING THERE?
SLAVERY THAT PEOPLE OF... PEOPLE
OF COLOR DID IT TOO.
THAT'S... I'M GLAD THEY WERE
REPRESENTED, SIR.
I AGREE WITH YOU.
NOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK, MY
FRIEND, BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD SLAVES?
EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE.
SHOULD WE CANCEL GOD?
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVE TRIED.
REALLY? AND THAT'S BOTH TESTAMENTS.
YES, BOTH TESTAMENTS, MY
CHRISTIAN FRIENDS.
[LAUGHTER]
BOTH TESTAMENTS HAVE LOTS OF
RULES AND LAWS ABOUT SLAVERY,
AND NONE OF THEM ARE, DON'T DO
IT.
THAT NEVER CROSSED THEIR MIND.
DON'T DO IT.
THERE'S A LOT OF LAWS, LIKE IF A
MAN KILLS YOUR SLAVE, YOU MAY KILL HIS SLAVE.
OKAY.
THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF
SLAVERY.
IT'S JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW,
WHATEVER AGE YOU LIVE IN, YOU
WOULD BE THE SAME ASSHOLE.
STOP FLATTERING YOURSELF THAT
YOU'RE NOSTRADAMUS AND YOU WOULD
HAVE KNOWN THINGS WERE WRONG AT
A TIME WHEN NOBODY ELSE THOUGHT
THAT.
LIKE IF YOU WERE LIVING 500
YEARS AGO, YOU'D BE LIKE, WELL,
SLAVERY IS WRONG AND GAY AND
TRANS PEOPLE SHOULD BE
REPRESENTED IN ALL OF
SHAKESPEARE'S PLAYS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] SHUT UP.
YOU'RE NOT BETTER.
YOU JUST CAME LATER.
YOU ARE THE iPHONE 11.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, YOU THINK IF YOU WERE
AROUND IN THE 1980s YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE WORN THE SKINNY
TIES AND THE JACKETS, JUST HUGE
SHOULDERS.
AND OF COURSE, YOU WOULD KNOW, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
YOU WOULD?
I FORESEE THIS WILL LOOK DOUCHEY
IN... NO. WE EVOLVED.
I THOUGHT LIBERALS WERE THE ONES
WHO BELIEVED IN EVOLUTION.
YOU KNOW, ONE GUY, LOOK, IT'S
LIKE WHEN I SEE THESE
DISCLAIMERS IN FRONT OF OLD
MOVIES NOW.
I DON'T NEED A DISCLAIMER TO
PREPARE ME.
IF HARRISON FORD LOOKS A LOT
YOUNGER AND THEY'RE USING A
PAYPHONE, TRIGGER WARNING,
THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME
SHIT WE DON'T DO ANYMORE.
SO WHAT?
I WATCHED THE BEATLES
DOCUMENTARY AND JUST THE
BEGINNING.
"STRONG LANGUAGE AND SMOKING." SMOKING.
OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU FOR WARNING ME.
HERE TO WATCH THE BEATLES SMOKE IN 1969, GET ME A KLONOPIN.
[LAUGHTER]
YES.
WE EVOLVE.
I MEAN, IT'S IN... IT'S IN YOUR
EVERYDAY LIFE.
IT'S IN ALL MUSIC, YOU KNOW,
LIKE EARLY ROCK AND ROLL, '50s,
SHITTY MUSIC.
[LAUGHTER] BUT I NEVER LIKED IT.
BUT IT'S LIKE ALL ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS.
REALLY?
EVERY SONG, SHE'S 13.
SHE'S 16.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S 14.
AND THEN NOBODY GAVE A SHIT.
AND IT WAS JUST WHAT PEOPLE DID.
EVEN WHEN I STARTED LISTENING TO
MUSIC IN THE LATE '60s, IT WAS
I REMEMBER THERE WAS YOUNG
GIRL, GET OUT OF MY MIND.
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS WAY OUT OF
LINE.
YES, WAY, WAY, WAY OUT OF LINE,
AND YET I'M SINGING ABOUT
IT. NO ONE CARES.
NO ONE'S TAKING IT OFF THE
RADIO.
IT'S JUST WHAT THEY THOUGHT.
'90s RAP IS ALL BITCHES AND
HOES.
IT HAS NOT AGED WELL IN THE
#MeToo ERA. IT REALLY HASN'T.
BUT THAT'S JUST WHERE WE WERE.
AND BY THE WAY, I WILL PLAY
WHOEVER I WANT TO PLAY.
I'LL PLAY R. KELLY RIGHT NOW IN
THE MIDDLE OF A COMEDY SHOW.
THE MUSIC DIDN'T RAPE ANYBODY.
[APPLAUSE]
STRANGE APPLAUSE BREAKS HERE.
I JUST... BECAUSE I CAN KEEP TWO
THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD AT THE SAME
TIME.
YOU KNOW, "BEAT IT" IS STILL A
GREAT RECORD.
AND MICHAEL JACKSON WAS AN
UNCONVENTIONAL BABYSITTER.
LET'S JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ALSO, YOU KNOW, WE'RE DOING
THINGS RIGHT NOW, ALL OF US,
THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE
PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LOOK
KINDLY ON A LOT OF THINGS WE DO
NOW.
MURDERING ANIMALS IN THE WOODS FOR FUN.
I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LOOK
GOOD IN THE FUTURE.
[APPLAUSE]
BOILING LOBSTERS ALIVE, AND
REGARDING THE BIBLE AS SOME
GREAT FONT OF WISDOM TO SWEAR ON
AND ROYALTY, YOUR HIGHNESS, THAT
BULLSHIT I DON'T THINK IS GOING
TO LOOK GOOD.
BEAUTY PAGEANTS, GET OUT HERE IN
A BIKINI AND ANSWER A QUESTION
ABOUT SYRIA, RIGHT NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
IS THAT GOING TO LOOK GOOD?
YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK IT'S NOT GOING TO LOOK
GOOD, THIS WHOLE IDEA OF LET'S
ALL BE AMATEUR CAB DRIVERS.
[LAUGHS]
I DON'T... I DON'T SEE THAT
AGING WELL... I JUST...
AND OF COURSE, THE ONE I'VE BEEN
ROOTING AGAINST FOR THE LONGEST
TIME, HOPING IT WOULD GO AWAY.
IT NEVER GOES AWAY, TATTOOS?
NEVER BEEN A FAN.
[APPLAUSE]
OH, GOOD.
SOME PEOPLE WITH ME ON THAT.
YEAH.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, AND
IT JUST HAS GOTTEN WORSE.
IT'S LIKE A FUNGUS.
IT'S MOVING UP THE ARM, AND NOW
IT'S... IT'S ON THE NECK.
IT'S GOING UP TO THE FACE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S THE... THE ONES IN WRITING
TATTOO.
THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT REALLY
BUG ME.
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY?
YOU COULDN'T JUST REMEMBER THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, IT'S... IT'S FIVE WORDS.
IT'S YOUR LIFE PHILOSOPHY.
THERE ARE PEOPLE GOING AROUND,
OH, BOY, IF I CAN ONLY REMEMBER
WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE IS, I
COULD GET OUT OF THIS JAM, BUT I
JUST CAN'T, OH, YEAH.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S RIGHT.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING REALLY
STUPID.
[APPLAUSE]
BUT OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY IF
YOU HAVE... IF YOU HAVE THE
TATTOO IN THE FRONT SOMEWHERE.
WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO PUT THE
TATTOOS BACK?
WHAT ABOUT THAT POOR GUY?
[LAUGHTER] HE'S GOT TO GET A STRANGER TO
HELP. I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU... SORRY TO BOTHER
YOU, BUT MY LIFE PHILOSOPHY IS
RIGHT ABOVE MY ASS CRACK.
COULD YOU?
[LAUGHTER] IT WOULD BE SO HELPFUL IF YOU
WOULD JUST TELL ME ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.
I WILL.
I'M SORRY.
BEFORE YOU GO, MY KIDS BIRTH
DATES ARE UNDER MY BALL SACK.
[LAUGHTER] WOULD YOU JUST... MARCH 12 AND
DECEMBER 13.
I KNEW THAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT.
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT WHOLE,
YOU KNOW, WE DO THIS TO REMIND
US THING THAT PEOPLE DO WITH A
LOT OF RELIGION.
OF COURSE, THE NUMBER ONE THING
THAT DOES THIS, YOU KNOW, WE...
WE WEAR THESE FUZZY HATS
IN THE SUMMER TO REMIND US WHAT
THAT'S HOT.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CHRISTIAN
SECT CALLED CATHOLICS, I GUESS,
OPUS DEI.
YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE THEY
LIKE, THEY WEAR A SPIKED METAL
CLAMP AROUND THEIR THIGH ALL DAY
DIGGING INTO YOU TILL YOU DON'T
FORGET ABOUT GOD.
HE'S DIGGING INTO YOU.
[LAUGHTER] DIG IT.
DON'T FORGET HIM FOR ONE SECOND. HE'S DIGGING.
THERE'S GOT TO BE AN EASIER WAY,
PEOPLE.
I MEAN, HERE'S MY SUGGESTION TO
RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
EAT BEANS.
[LAUGHTER]
EAT BEANS AT EVERY MEAL AND LET
FARTING BE WHAT REMINDS YOU OF
GOD, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECT.
OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, GOD.
AND IT'S BETTER THAN THE HAT OR
THE CLAMP OR THESE THINGS,
BECAUSE THOSE ARE... YOU FORGET ABOUT THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE
ALWAYS THERE. THIS IS LIKE AN ALERT.
YOU KNOW, YOU JUST YOU DON'T
KNOW EXACTLY WHEN IT'S COMING
AND YOU'RE JUST FORGETTING
ABOUT GOD AND THE OH, THAT'S
RIGHT, GOD.
THANK YOU, ASS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE
TO MAKE FUN OF RELIGION.
I...
[LAUGHTER]
ME? OH, I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME
WITH ANOTHER COMEDIAN.
BUT NO, I HAVE MADE RELIGION A
THEME OF MY CAREER, ALTHOUGH I
WOULD HARDLY SAY I'M NOT AN
EXPERT IN CHRISTIANITY.
I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN ISLAM.
I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN JUDAISM.
ALTHOUGH I TRY NEVER TO PAY
RETAIL.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, ALL THESE
YEARS MAKING FUN OF RELIGION, I
KIND OF HAD IT WRONG BECAUSE I
ALWAYS WAS ASKING THE QUESTION,
HOW CAN OTHERWISE INTELLIGENT
PEOPLE LIKE WALL OFF A PART OF
THEIR MIND AND BELIEVE STUFF
THAT THEY MUST KNOW IN THE OTHER
PART OF THEIR MIND IS NONSENSE? AND I DIDN'T GET IT, FAITH.
IT'S NOT A BUG, IT'S A FEATURE.
THEY LIKE THAT.
THE STUPIDER IT IS, THE BETTER,
BECAUSE THAT PROVES THEIR FAITH
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL
GOOD.
THAT'S WHY AMERICANS, YOU KNOW
WHO THEY LOVE IN THE BIBLE OF
ALL THE BIBLE CHARACTERS THE
MOST, NOAH.
AMERICANS LOVE THEM SOME NOAH
BECAUSE... BECAUSE HE'S A
MAN OF FAITH.
BECAUSE HE IS GIVEN AN ORDER BY
GOD, GOD SAYS, I'M GOING TO
FUCKING KILL EVERYTHING IN THIS
PLANET.
[LAUGHTER] I'M GOING TO DROWN EVERY LAST
ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
AND NOAH DOES NOT SAY, THAT'S A
TERRIBLE IDEA.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S... NO.
NOAH'S LIKE, I'M ON IT, BOSS. GREAT IDEA.
LET'S BUILD A BOAT. YOU GOT IT.
40 CUBITS.
I AM ON MY WAY TO HOME DEPOT
RIGHT NOW, SIR.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M... YOU KNOW... HE JUST...
[LAUGHTER]
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST
FUCKED UP PART OF THAT BIBLE STORY.
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.
THE MOST FUCKED UP PART IS AFTER
THE FLOOD, GOD TALKS TO NOAH
AGAIN, THIS TIME BECAUSE HE
FEELS BAD ABOUT KILLING EVERYBODY.
[LAUGHTER]
SO GOD IS THIS ORB OF PERFECT
ENERGY, THE SUPER UBER RULER OF
THE UNIVERSE.
BUT HE FEELS LIKE SHIT WHEN HE
FUCKS UP.
THIS IS SO INTERESTING, AND WE
KNOW HE DOES FEEL THIS WAY
BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS THIS WAS
THE MOMENT THAT GOD CREATED THE
RAINBOW.
BEFORE THIS, NO RAINBOWS.
GOD CREATED THE RAINBOW AS A
GIFT TO NOAH, A SYMPATHY
PRESENT, A KIND OF A... I'M NOT
MAKING... LOOK, IT'S IN THE BIBLE.
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
HE FELT BAD.
HE WAS LIKE, NOAH, I FEEL LIKE
I'M SUCH A DICK.
THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE.
[LAUGHTER] I... I DROWNED BABIES.
DIDN'T I?
I DROWNED BABIES.
I... I SHOULDN'T DRINK.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
[LAUGHTER] I SHOULDN'T DRINK.
I'M A NICE GOD. AND THEN I TURN INTO THIS
ASSHOLE.
ANYWAY, I FEEL TERRIBLE.
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
BRING IT IN, FELLAS.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
IT'S... I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS
BEFORE.
TILT IT.
IT'S A... TILT IT... IS THAT
GORGEOUS?
THAT'S A RAINBOW.
[LAUGHTER] THAT IS A RAINBOW.
YOU'RE GOING TO... IT'S GOING TO MAKE THIS PLACE POP.
YOU WERE GOING TO LOVE THIS
THING.
JUST NO... LET ME... I... LET
ME DO IT.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, ENJOY,
ENJOY, ENJOY, JUST DON'T DO
ANYTHING GAY WITH IT.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S...
[LAUGHTER]
OH, WE KID.
WE KID RELIGION IN A GOOD
NATUREDLY WAY.
NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARY THING
ABOUT RELIGION THESE DAYS
IS THAT IT'S SORT OF LIKE
CROSS-POLLINATING WITH POLITICS,
LIKE, THAT'S WHAT QANON IS,
RIGHT?
ANY QANON PEOPLE HERE?
YOU'RE WELCOME, AND... OH, SHIT.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
NO, NO.
EVERYONE IS WELCOME AT MY SHOW.
THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG THEMES.
EVERYONE IS WELCOME, INCLUDING
QANON PEOPLE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE DO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A CONSPIRACY THEORY PROBLEM IN
THIS COUNTRY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO DID NOT
HELP WITH THAT WAS THAT GUY,
JEFFREY EPSTEIN, I THINK, USED
TO LIVE HERE IN THIS AREA.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BY RUNNING A
PEDOPHILE RING FOR THE WORLD'S
ELITE, IT JUST YOU KNOW, IT JUST
LOOKED BAD TO THE PEOPLE... TO
THE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THAT
MAYBE THE WORLD'S ELITE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE RUNNING A
PEDOPHILE RING.
[LAUGHTER] I'M JUST... I'M NOT SAYING
THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON. IT JUST LOOKED BAD.
BUT CAN YOU... CAN YOU BLAME
AMERICANS, YOU KNOW, FOR BEING
TURNED OFF TO POLITICS?
I MEAN, HALF THE COUNTRY THINKS
THAT THE OPPOSITION PARTY EATS
BABIES, AND THE OTHER HALF WANTS
TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, WHERE DO YOU GO?
AND LOOK, I WORRY ABOUT THE
DEMOCRATS BECAUSE THE SHIT THAT
THEY DO THAT PISSES OFF VOTERS
STRIKES A LOT CLOSER TO HOME.
YOU KNOW, YOU HEARD ME.
I HAPPEN TO THINK THE TWO
BIGGEST ISSUES OF OUR TIME ARE
THE ENVIRONMENT AND DEMOCRACY.
BUT...
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD.
I'M GLAD I'M NOT ALONE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE
KIDS.
TO A LOT OF KIDS, TO A LOT OF
PEOPLE, RATHER, IT'S KIDS AND
SCHOOLS.
I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.
BROUGHT IT HOME TO ME, I WAS
CATCHING UP WITH THIS OLD FRIEND
OF MINE RECENTLY, AND SHE HAS A
SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER NOW.
AND FOR SOME REASON I WAS
TELLING HER ABOUT THE TIME WHEN
I WAS SEVEN AND I WAS SITTING IN
MY FIRST GRADE CLASS AND MY
FATHER SUDDENLY APPEARED AT THE
FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM.
I WAS LIKE, WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK
IS HE DOING HERE?
[LAUGHTER] WHAT...
BUT HE WAS THERE TO TAKE ME OUT
OF SCHOOL TO GO TO MY FIRST
BASEBALL GAME.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT WAS A GREAT MEMORY.
AND SHE SAID TO ME, OH, COULDN'T
DO THAT.
I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE SAID, I CAN'T JUST WALK INTO
MY SCHOOL.
WHAT?
SHE SAID, NO, YOU HAVE TO CALL
UP, MAKE AN APPOINTMENT, TALK TO
THE PERSON, PROVIDE A REASON FOR
YOUR OWN KID, HOW ABOUT SHE
CRAWLED OUT OF MY VAGINA AS A...
[LAUGHTER]
HOW ABOUT THAT REASON?
[APPLAUSE]
I MEAN, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN
CALIFORNIA WHO WANT TO REMOVE
SEX COMPLETELY FROM THE BIRTH
CERTIFICATE.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BOY.
YOU HAD A HUMAN WITH A PENIS.
WHETHER THAT'S A BOY IS... AT
BEST, A MAYBE.
[LAUGHTER] LET'S WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE THREE
AND LET THEM DECIDE FOR
THEYSELF. [LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, MARIO LOPEZ WAS ALMOST CANCELED FOR QUESTIONING THE
WISDOM OF LETTING THREE YEAR
OLDS DECIDE THEIR GENDER.
HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA.
MAYBE... MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T LET
KIDS MAKE BIG LIFE DECISIONS
WHILE WE STILL HAVE TO MAKE CHOO
CHOO NOISES TO GET THE FOOD IN
THEIR MOUTH.
[APPLAUSE]
DEMOCRATS JUST STOP BEING THE
PARTY OF NO COMMON SENSE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BERNIE SANDERS CAME OUT FOR THE
BOSTON MARATHON BOMBER TO HAVE
THE RIGHT TO VOTE. OKAY.
I CAN'T GO WITH YOU THERE.
JULIAN CASTRO SAID TRANSWOMEN
SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN
ABORTION.
OKAY.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THEY DON'T HAVE A UTERUS.
THAT'S GOING TO BE TRY SELLING
THAT IN THE RED STATES.
IF A MAN IDENTIFIES AS A WOMAN,
WE STAND WITH HER RIGHT NOT ONLY
TO IMAGINE THAT SHE'S PREGNANT.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT TO ABORT THAT IMAGINARY
CHILD BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING
SADDER THAN AN UNWANTED
IMAGINARY CHILD.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
WHAT'S THAT?
WE LOST AGAIN?
FUCK. I MEAN, THIS ALWAYS COMES FROM A
GOOD PLACE WITH LIBERALS, I
THINK.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M SURE THE
WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF
WE HAD A WICCAN ON THE SUPREME
COURT AND...
[LAUGHTER]
GAY SEX SATURDAYS AND UNIVERSAL
HOT YOGA AND CARBON NEUTRAL BABY
CHANGING STATIONS.
BUT AFTER A WHILE, PEOPLE JUST,
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD JUST
SATURATE THEM.
EVERY TIME THE... EVERY TIME THE
DEMOCRATS LOSE AN ELECTION, THEY
ALWAYS SAY, WELL, WE DIDN'T GET
OUR MESSAGE OUT.
NO, YOU DID.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
YOU DID.
[APPLAUSE]
AND THE MESSAGE IS WE NEVER
STAND UP TO THE PEOPLE WHO WAKE
UP OFFENDED AND LIVE ON TWITTER
AND...
[APPLAUSE]
AND AMERICA IS NOT TWITTER.
THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT LESSON YET.
I DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH TWITTER
ANYMORE.
I MEAN, WHY?
I COULD TWEET GOOD MORNING. AND THE FIRST TEN RESPONSES
WOULD BE, WELL, I'M SURE EVERY MORNING IS GOOD FOR YOU WITH
YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
I CAN'T.
AND YOU KNOW, THAT IS NOT
LIBERALISM.
LIBERALISM IS LIFTING UP THOSE
WHO HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN AND
FORSAKEN.
[APPLAUSE]
THIS THAT'S NOT... IT'S NOT
BEING PETTY AND SCOLDING AND
VIRTUE SIGNALING.
TRUST ME, FOLKS, I HAVEN'T
CHANGED.
I REALLY HAVEN'T.
I AM STILL THE SAME POT-SMOKING,
CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED, LIBERTINE
I ALWAYS WAS.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAVE MANY FLAWS, BUT YOU
CANNOT ACCUSE ME OF MATURING.
[LAUGHTER] NOT...
NOT THAT THERE AREN'T SNOWFLAKES
ON THE RIGHT.
ALSO, BECAUSE THERE ARE WHO'S A
BIGGER CRYBABY COMPLAINER THAN
DONALD TRUMP?
BUT...
[APPLAUSE]
BUT YOU KNOW, THE DRIP, DRIP,
DRIP ON YOUR NEWS FEED OF CRAZY
SHIT, PETTY, JUDGY CANCEL
CULTURE SHIT DOES SEEM TO HANG MORE ON THE LEFT.
AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TIRED OF THIS.
THEY'RE TIRED OF FEARING THAT IF THEY MAKE ONE MISTAKE IN THEIR
LIFE, INCLUDING IN THEIR PAST, IT MIGHT NEVER BE FORGIVEN.
AND THEY'VE COME TO REALLY HATE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.
SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE DONE A SHOW
ABOUT THAT YEARS AGO.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT
IDEA.
GENDER MAY NOT BE BINARY, BUT
POLITICS IS.
YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS COULD WIN
EVERY ELECTION SO EASILY IF THEY
WOULD JUST STICK TO THE MEAT AND
POTATOES, JUST STICK TO MINIMUM
WAGE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION,
ENVIRONMENT.
[APPLAUSE]
YOU'LL REALLY...
STAY OUT OF THE... STAY OUT OF
THE BULLSHIT THAT GETS ON SOCIAL
MEDIA BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE
SEE.
BECAUSE, TRUST ME, THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE DON'T FOLLOW POLITICS THAT CLOSELY.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS
GOING ON.
YOU'RE A SOPHISTICATED AUDIENCE.
YOU CAME TO THIS SHOW.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN... YOU COULD
HAVE WATCHED FUCKING DOLPHINS OR SOMETHING TONIGHT, BUT YOU CAME
HERE.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S NOT MOST PEOPLE.
MOST PEOPLE... THEY HAVE.
FIRST OF ALL, THEY HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT'S IN THE BUDGET.
YOU KNOW WHAT AMERICA SPENDS
MONEY ON?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT AMERICA, OLD
PEOPLE AND AIRCRAFT CARRIERS,
THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY GOES.
NOW, I'M OKAY WITH THE OLD
PEOPLE.
FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE OLD.
THEY PAID INTO IT.
AND THAT'S WHAT A CIVILIZED
NATION DOES.
THEY TAKE CARE OF THE ELDERLY
PEOPLE IN THEIR POPULATION.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND ALSO, WE DON'T WANT THEM
LIVING WITH US.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S JUST... IT'S NOT PAT
OURSELVES ON THE BACK TOO MUCH
ON THAT ONE.
BUT... BUT HONESTLY, IF THEY
WOULD JUST STICK WITH THE
MEAT AND POTATOES STUFF AND OF
COURSE, THE OTHER ONE THAT COULD
GET DEMOCRATS EVERY ELECTION
JUST LEGALIZE POT NATIONALLY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SUCH LOW LYING POLITICAL FRUITS.
BECAUSE POT, IT'S ONE OF THOSE
ISSUES LIKE GUNS, IT IS FOR THE
RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, IT JUST GETS A LOT OF
PEOPLE OUT ON THAT ONE ISSUE
BECAUSE IT'S PERSONAL.
IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER ISSUES WHERE
IT'S ABSTRACT POT, JUST LIKE GUNS.
IT'S IN YOUR HOME.
YOU LIKE IT, YOU TOUCH IT, YOU
RUB IT AGAINST YOUR PENIS.
[LAUGHTER] NO, NO, NO, NO.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT.
I ALWAYS GO TOO FAR.
BUT REALLY, I MEAN, IF ONE SIDE
IN THIS COUNTRY HAS ALL THE GUNS
AND ONE SIDE HAS ALL THE POT,
YOU KNOW, LIBERALS, WHEN THE
CIVIL WAR COMES, YOU'RE GOING TO
GET YOUR ASS KICKED LIKE THE
WHITE KID AT A SPELLING BEE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THIS IS... THIS IS A BIG
COUNTRY, A VERY BIG COUNTRY WITH
LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK
LIKE YOU, NO MATTER HOW YOU
THINK, AND YOU CAN'T OWN THEM
OR DESTROY THEM AND THEY'RE NOT
GOING TO SELF DEPORT NO MATTER
WHO WINS ELECTIONS.
WE HAVE TO FIND OUR WAY BACK
FROM NOT LOATHING EACH OTHER.
I MEAN, WE HAVE THE PHENOMENON
NOW OF POLITICAL DIVORCES.
PEOPLE GETTING DIVORCES OVER
THEIR POLITICS ARE DIFFERENT.
SOMETIMES BROTHERS AND SISTERS
STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER,
WHICH MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT TO
GET LAID IN THE PANHANDLE.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, I ALMOST GOT THROUGH THAT.
I KID.
I KID THE REDNECKS.
I... NO, SEE BAD ME.
MEA CULPA, I KNOW I REALLY I
HAVE BEEN LESS THAN RESPECTFUL
IN MY CAREER.
I HAVE USED WORDS LIKE "REDNECK" AND "SHIT KICKER" AND "SNAKE
HANDLER" AND "MOUTH BREATHER,"
"FLAT EARTHER," "BIBLE THUMPER,"
"CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTOR,"
"RUBCRETE," AND "INBRED,"
"SLINGBLADE," "PAINT CHIP
EATER, " " TOOTHLESS SISTER
FUCKER, " AND " CHILDREN OF THE
CORN."
I HAVE, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE.
BUT YOU KNOW, IN MY DEFENSE,
IT'S SOMETIMES THEY MAKE IT VERY
HARD NOT TO DO THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS READING AN ARTICLE
RECENTLY ABOUT THE STATE OF
KENTUCKY IN 2019 OUTLAWED
BESTIALITY.
[LAUGHTER]
SWEAR TO GOD.
YES.
IN 2019, I SAY THEY DID THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE
SCARIEST PART OF THAT ARTICLE.
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF
PARAGRAPH THREE, WHICH SAID
OPPONENTS OF THE BILL.
[LAUGHTER]
OPPONENTS OF THE BILL.
PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T ROCK AND
MEDDLE IN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
GETTING IN BETWEEN ME AND THE
CHICKEN I MIGHT FUCK.
I SAID, MIGHT, I DIDN'T.
AND THAT'S THE THING.
I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT THE
PEOPLE OF KENTUCKY ARE CHICKEN
FUCKERS, BUT THEY WANT THE
OPTION.
[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE THING.
THEY WANT THE OPTION OF MY FREEDOM.
AMERICA, THEY LOVE THEIR
FREEDOM.
THAT'S WHAT FLORIDA HAS GOT
GOING FOR IT, RIGHT?
YOU FEEL IT'S A FREER FEELING
HERE, YOU KNOW, AND IT IS.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT'S A LOT OF FUCKED UP SHIT
HERE TOO, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT.
AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU THINK DESANTIS IS GOING TO BE THE
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR PRES.
[BOOS]
BECAUSE TRUMP TREATS HIM LIKE A
SON.
BUT TRUST ME, IF HE RUNS AGAINST
TRUMP, TRUMP WILL TREAT HIM LIKE
A DAUGHTER AND TRY TO FUCK HIM,
REALLY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
OH, GENTLE, GOOD HUMOR.
THAT'S ALL WE DO HERE.
LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE OF
THOSE.
I MUST TELL YOU ONE OF
THOSE. THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD, PEOPLE. IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T LIVED EVERYWHERE ELSE.
MAYBE IT IS.
MAYBE IT ISN'T.
IT'S THE GREATEST ONE FOR ME.
SHOULDN'T THAT BE ENOUGH? IT'S SO CHILDISH.
I LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY.
I WAS THINKING THAT, LIKE NOW,
LIKE WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD
BECAUSE I'M IN A HOTEL AND I
WANT FRESH AIR AND I CAN NEVER
GET IT BECAUSE THE WINDOWS DON'T
OPEN, BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE
GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.
BUT IF WE DON'T SEAL THE WINDOW
SHUT, THE PEOPLE WILL JUMP OUT.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, THAT'S WHERE WE ARE, GREAT
LANDIA, YEAH.
[APPLAUSE]
YEAH, I MEAN... JOE HAS NOT EXACTLY STUCK THE
LANDING ON EVERYTHING.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, TRUMP
WOULD BE PRESIDENT.
SO I DON'T CARE IF HE FARTS IN
FRONT OF THE QUEEN.
[APPLAUSE]
OR DOZES OFF AT A CLIMATE
CONFERENCE.
YES, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME SENIOR MOMENTS.
JUST GET OVER IT.
YOU KNOW, HE'S... HE'S GOING TO
SHOW UP SOMEWHERE WITHOUT PANTS
ON AT SOME POINT OR DRIVE THE
MOTORCADE THROUGH A FARMER'S
MARKET.
I DON'T KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GET TWO
CHOICES IN THIS COUNTRY.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE WOULDN'T EVEN
HAVE HIM IF THE AFRICAN
AMERICAN COMMUNITY IN SOUTH
CAROLINA HADN'T SAVED THE ASS OF
THE DEMOCRATS AND MADE SURE THAT
HE GOT THE NOMINATION.
[APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW.
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN, THE WHOLE
THING ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN
BECAUSE THE SECOND HE ANNOUNCED,
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS, A WOMAN
CAME FORWARD, HAD TO TELL US A
STORY ABOUT THE TIME HE KISSED
THE BACK OF HER HEAD.
KISSED THE BACK OF HER HEAD?
YES.
THAT WELL-KNOWN EROGENOUS ZONE.
[LAUGHTER]
I TELL YOU, WHENEVER I'M FEELING
REALLY FREAKY, I GO RIGHT FOR
THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
SOME GUYS LIKE THEIR BALLS
TICKLED.
SOME GUYS LIKE THE ASS.
NO, I'M THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
JUST GIVE ME THE BACK OF THE
HEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, REALLY, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?
WE HAD TO LIVE THROUGH THIS
WHOLE SCANDAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
IT WAS A FUNDRAISER.
HE WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT.
HE SHOWED UP TO HELP SOMEBODY.
THE WOMAN WHO WAS INTRODUCING
HIM, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW
SOME SUPPORT.
SMELL THE BENGAY.
[LAUGHTER] IT'S JUST... SHE WAS ABOUT TO...
SHE WAS WAITING IN THE WINGS,
AND HE CAME UP BEHIND HER.
"YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT,
HONEY." [LAUGHTER]
THAT'S IT.
I MEAN... HERE, LET ME RECITE TO
YOU, THESE ARE HER EXACT WORDS
BECAUSE SHE WROTE A BLOG ABOUT
IT FIVE YEARS LATER.
SHE SAID, "I FELT TWO HANDS ON
MY SHOULDERS AND FROZE."
OKAY, YOU'RE AUTISTIC THEN,
THAT'S ALL LIKE...
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S AN AUTISTIC PERSON.
WHY IS THE VICE PRESIDENT
TOUCHING ME?
I DON'T KNOW.
BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN.
SOMETIMES HUMANS DO THAT.
I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO RUN AND
GET THE RAPE KIT JUST YET, YOU
KNOW?
[APPLAUSE]
HE KISSED THE BACK OF MY HEAD.
MY BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS WHAT
WAS HAPPENING.
[LAUGHTER]
REALLY?
YOU COULDN'T.
YOUR BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS
THAT, LIKE STRING THEORY OR
WORMHOLES.
I WAS EMBARRASSED, SHOCKED,
CONFUSED.
OKAY, THEN THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS
NOT FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S... I'M NOT... I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN.
DON'T GET IT TWISTED.
THIS IS NOT A CRITIQUE OF WOMEN.
THIS IS A DEFENSE. BECAUSE I DON'T THINK MOST WOMEN
ARE LIKE THIS.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE REPUTATION THEY WANT OR DESERVE.
YOU KNOW.
[APPLAUSE]
I THINK THEY'RE MADE OF STERNER
STUFF. BERNIE SANDERS HAD THE EXACT
SAME THING HAPPEN TO HIM.
AS SOON AS HE ANNOUNCED, HIS
CAMPAIGN WAS ALMOST DERAILED
BECAUSE A WOMAN CAME FORWARD TO
TALK ABOUT THE TIME ON THE
CAMPAIGN WHEN SHE WAS ASKED TO
SPEND A NIGHT ONCE WITH THREE
MALE MEMBERS OF THE CAMPAIGN.
OKAY, IT'S A CAMPAIGN.
IT'S A REVOLUTION.
IT'S A SHOESTRING BUDGET.
NOT EVERYBODY GETS A SUITE AT
THE RITZ.
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID, LITERALLY
WORD FOR WORD.
SHE SAID, I WAS SHAKING WITH
FEAR, LITERALLY.
I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF,
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
GO TO SLEEP.
[LAUGHTER]
LITERALLY GO TO SLEEP.
I MEAN, THERE ARE THREE NERDS ON
THE BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN.
THEY'RE NOT ESCAPED CONVICTS.
IF YOU CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM
WITH JUST A BRA AND PANTIES ON, THEY'D PROBABLY SHIT THEIR
PANTS.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, WHO RAISED THESE
JELLYFISH?
THIS CANNOT BE THE IMAGE WOMEN
WANT OR DESERVE.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YES, IT'S
GREAT.
WE HAD A RECKONING, BUT SOME
STUFF WOMEN, I'M SURE, AND I
KNOW MOST WOMEN CAN'T JUST
HANDLE YOURSELF.
IF AN OLD MAN COMES UP BEHIND
YOU, INSTEAD OF WAITING FIVE
YEARS AND WRITING A BLOG,
HOW ABOUT JUST TURNING AROUND?
"EXCUSE ME, MR. VICE PRESIDENT,
I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO MAKE A
SPEECH.
I'M GETTING MY HEAD TOGETHER.
YOU CAN KISS THE BACK OF MY HEAD
LATER, YOU KNOW?"
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
RIGHT.
I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE GOING TO INSIST?
NO, BITCH.
THEY'RE GETTING BACK AT THE BACK
BACK OF THE HEAD KISS,
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT. TAKE ALL OF IT.
I KNOW YOU LOVE IT.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
AND ALSO THE SALIENT POINT ABOUT
THIS SCANDAL IS THAT JOE BIDEN
WAS NOT TRYING TO GET LAID,
DOING THIS, RIGHT?
ANDREW CUOMO WAS TRYING TO GET
LAID, BADLY, BY THE WAY.
I MEAN, ONE OF HIS BIG PLOYS WAS
HE WOULD HAVE HIS PRETTY
ASSISTANTS COME UP TO THE
GOVERNOR'S MANSION AT NIGHT TO
SHOW HIM HOW TO DO SOMETHING ON
HIS PHONE.
YEAH, YEAH.
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING HOTTER
THAN AN OLD GUY WHO CAN'T WORK
HIS PHONE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS KRYPTONITE FOR THE
PUSSY.
[LAUGHTER] LET ME TELL YOU, JUST THE
PANTIES ARE WET BEFORE THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR JUST THINKING
ABOUT THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
MAN, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME
IN AMERICA.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN, ASIDE FROM THE HORRORS
THAT WOMEN ARE PUT THROUGH, I'M
ALWAYS THINKING, WHAT MAN THINKS
THIS SHIT IS GOING TO WORK?
ONE OF THE FIRST #MeToo CASUALTIES, WELL DESERVED, I
MIGHT ADD, WAS THIS JOURNALIST,
MARK HALPERIN, REMEMBER HIM AND
YOU KNOW HIS M.O. AS ALWAYS,
WITH THESE CASES, YOU KNOW, LIKE
MANY WOMEN COME FORWARD, IT'S
ALWAYS THE SAME STORY IN THE
SAME THING.
A GUY HAS A THING, AND HIS WAS
TO LIKE, AT THE OFFICE, CORNER
YOU SOMEWHERE AND JUST RUB HIS
BONER AGAINST YOU.
[LAUGHTER] WHEN HAS THIS EVER WORKED IS MY
QUESTION?
[LAUGHTER]
HAS THERE EVER BEEN A WOMAN WHO
WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WASN'T
EVER REALLY THAT INTO BOB.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THEN HE DID THAT THING THAT
DOGS DO TO THROW PILLOWS, AND I
JUST MELTED.
[APPLAUSE]
NO, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME IN
THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ANY TIME...
ANY TIME MEN CAN'T GET WOMEN,
PRIESTS, TALIBAN, INCELS IN THIS
COUNTRY, YOU KNOW WHAT INCELS
ARE?
YEAH, IT'S A WHOLE MOVEMENT.
IT STANDS FOR INVOLUNTARILY
CELIBATE.
YEAH, I USED TO BE AN INCEL. WE JUST DIDN'T HAVE A NAME FOR
IT.
[LAUGHTER] I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK
ABOUT IT WITH THAT.
THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO IS
JOIN A GROUP OF OTHER FUCKING
LOSERS WHO COULDN'T GET LAID.
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS
WITH GUYS WHO COULD GET LAID,
MAYBE GET A LEFTOVER OR
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT... THAT WAS NOT MY STRATEGY WHEN I COULDN'T GET
LAID. MY STRATEGY WAS TO MASTURBATE
AND PLOT.
[LAUGHTER] THAT WAS MY STRATEGY,
MASTURBATING AND PLOTTING.
AND I CAME UP WITH THIS.
NO.
[APPLAUSE]
NO, NO, NO, NO, I DO THIS FOR THE LOVE OF COMEDY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, COMEDY.
BUT YOU DO REALIZE THAT ALL THE
#MeToo STUFF IS WEAPONIZED
AGAINST ONE SIDE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE
REPUBLICANS DON'T CARE.
LOOK AT ALL THE MANY, MANY, MANY
DOZENS OF WOMEN TRUMP ABUSED.
THEY NEVER CARED.
THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE.
THEY DIDN'T CARE.
THEY RAN A FUCKING CHILD
MOLESTER IN ALABAMA.
THEY DON'T CARE.
DEMOCRATS, WE GOT RID OF AL
FRANKEN, RIGHT?
BILL CLINTON, NOT ALLOWED TO
MAKE A SPEECH ANYMORE.
ELIOT SPITZER, I THOUGHT, WAS A
REALLY GOOD PROGRESSIVE
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.
HE HAD TO GO AWAY BECAUSE HE HAD
A HOOKER SCANDAL.
AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN A POLITICIAN
GETS BLOWN BY A HOOKER, IT TAKES
A JOB AWAY FROM A LOBBYIST. SO...
[LAUGHTER]
THAT CANNOT HAPPEN.
BUT REALLY, YOU LOOK AT THE
#MeToo CASES, IT'S ALWAYS A LOT
OF LEFT STUFF.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF BALLET,
PEOPLE GOTTEN CONDUCTORS, YOU
KNOW, OPERA.
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY?
MEATPACKING HAS A PERFECT
RECORD, YOU KNOW, NOTHING EVER
HAPPENED AT A TRUCK STOP?
[LAUGHS] FRACKING IS FILLED WITH NOTHING
BUT PERFECT FEMINISTS.
I MEAN.
NPR FIRED EIGHT PEOPLE.
NPR IS THE SEED OF PREDATION IN
AMERICA? ONE OF THEM WAS GARRISON
KEILLOR.
YOU KNOW GARRISON KEILLOR.
NO, I HAVE NO DOG IN THIS FIGHT.
HE'D NEVER BEEN ON MY SHOW. I'VE NEVER HEARD HIS SHOW
BECAUSE I DON'T OWN A CANDLE
SHOP IN VERMONT.
[LAUGHTER] WHAT'S ALWAYS STRUCK ME AS SOME
CORNY SHIT, BUT I GOT IT THAT HE
WAS, LIKE, ICONIC BECAUSE THEY
NOT ONLY FIRED HIM, THEY
SCRUBBED THE ARCHIVES, COULDN'T
EVEN HEAR HIS OLD SHIT.
I'M LIKE, WHAT DID THIS
MOTHERFUCKER DO?
[LAUGHTER] I'M READING THE STORY, AND IT'S
VERY, YOU KNOW, AND HE WAS
BULLYING AROUND THE OFFICE.
WELL, THAT'S VAGUE, YOU KNOW.
AND REMEMBER, AND ON ONE
OCCASION, I THOUGHT, OKAY, HERE
IT IS.
AND ON ONE OCCASION THAT THE
DICK CAME OUT AT THE CHRISTMAS
PARTY OR WHATEVER.
[LAUGHTER]
NO.
AND ON ONE OCCASION, HE POSTED
AN OFF COLOR LIMERICK ON THE
DOORWAY OF HIS BOOKSHOP.
REALLY?
WE'RE GETTING PEOPLE FOR
LIMERICKS NOW? [LAUGHTER]
SEE, THIS IS THE PROBLEM WHEN
YOU START LUMPING... NO LUMPING
THE REALLY BAD PEOPLE WITH LIKE
SOME PEOPLE JUST HAD A BAD DATE.
AZIZ ANSARI HAD TO GO TO JAIL
WOKE JAIL FOR TWO YEARS. HE JUST HAD A BAD DATE.
IT'S A ONE SIDED STORY.
WE ONLY EVER HEARD HER SIDE.
EVEN BY HER SIDE, NOTHING HAPPENED.
NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.
I'M SORRY.
[APPLAUSE]
I'M SORRY YOU HAD A BAD TIME ON
A DATE WITH A GUY WHO WAS TRYING
TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS.
THAT'S LIFE.
YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE YOU
HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS?
WELL, YOU CHOSE TO KISS THIS
ONE.
AND BY THE WAY, YOU CHOSE TO LET
HIM EAT YOUR PUSSY BY YOUR
ACCOUNT.
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S IN THE ACCOUNT.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T LIKE A DATE,
LEAVE.
THAT'S WHY RESTAURANTS HAVE
BATHROOMS WITH WINDOWS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT NO, SHE FINISHES DINNER AT
THE RESTAURANT, GOES BACK TO HIS
APARTMENT, I ASSUME VOLUNTARILY.
HE'S 5'4". I DON'T THINK HE DRAGGED HER.
[LAUGHTER]
HAS HIM EAT HER PUSSY AND THEN
IS MIFFED BECAUSE HE EXPECTED
INTERCOURSE, WHICH I DON'T THINK
IS AN UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T.
IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE AT A
DINNER PARTY AND THEY SERVE A
SALAD COURSE.
[LAUGHTER]
AM I CRAZY TO THINK SOME CHICKEN
OR FISH IS GOING TO COME OUT OF
THAT KITCHEN AT SOME POINT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
SHE WAS PISSED OFF BECAUSE SHE
SAID HE MISSED THE SIGNALS.
OH, YES, HONEY, IT'S SO HARD TO
HEAR THE SIGNALS WITH MY HEAD
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU KNOW?
WILL [LAUGHTER] I'M SORRY, I... MY EAR IS
PRESSED UP AGAINST YOU.
LOOK, I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING
HERE.
I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE SHOULD
BE SUCH A WORD AS SLUT AT ALL. THANK YOU, SLUT.
[LAUGHTER]
NICE TO SEE THAT.
SLUTS ARE ALWAYS IN THE BACK AT
COMEDY SHOWS.
MUSIC, THEY'RE RIGHT UP FRONT.
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT
THAT, BUT... NO, A SLUT IS
SOMEONE WHO'S HAVING MORE SEX
THAN YOU ARE.
THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF A SLUT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SO I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING HER.
BUT COME ON, HONEY.
YOU DID LET A GUY YOU KNEW FOR
THREE HOURS PUT HIS TONGUE IN
YOUR COOCH.
SO MAYBE STICKLER FOR THE RULES
ISN'T YOUR BEST PERSONA.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, I JUST WONDER WHO ARE
THESE THESE PERFECT PEOPLE THAT
WE HAVE IN AMERICA NOW, SO MANY
PERFECT PEOPLE WHO NEVER MAKE A
MISTAKE, NEVER DO ANYTHING
WRONG, GET TO JUDGE YOUR DATE.
I DON'T LIKE THE DATE YOU WERE ON.
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU LIKE?
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, HE DID NOTHING WRONG.
NOTHING COERCIVE, NOTHING
IMMORAL, NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN
THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS
FUMBLED TOWARD GETTING LAID.
IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.
I AM ALWAYS JEALOUS OF GAY MEN,
YOU KNOW.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO TALK ANYBODY
INTO IT, YOU KNOW? THEY JUST...
[LAUGHTER]
I LIKE IT.
YOU LIKE IT?
LET'S DO IT.
[LAUGHTER] WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE THE
BAR.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, ALL MY LIFE, I'VE HEARD
THIS TERM "A SURE THING."
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, FOLKS,
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A
SURE THING, AND I CAN PROVE IT.
I WAS ONCE WITH A WOMAN SOME
YEARS AGO, AND I WAS FULLY
NAKED AND FULLY ERECT.
GOODNIGHT, LADIES.
[LAUGHTER]
I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE ON A HIGH
NOTE, BUT NO, I WAS FULLY NAKED,
FULLY ERECT.
SHE WAS FULLY NAKED AND FULLY
ERECT.
[LAUGHTER] I'M TELLING YOU THIS.
THIS SHIT WAS HOT. AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST ABOUT
...
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE SPACE
MOVIES, YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU...
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE PLAYING THE
CLASSICAL MUSIC AND IT'S ABOUT
TO DOCK.
AND THEN AT THE LAST SECOND, SHE
CHANGED HER MIND, AND I HAD TO
TAKE MY BALLS AND GO HOME.
AND THAT'S WHEN I LEARNED DATING
IS LIKE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY.
I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN IT'S IN THE
CAN.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S... THAT'S
LIFE.
YOU KNOW THAT PROBABLY THE MOST
AWKWARD, DIFFICULT TRANSITION
ANY TWO HUMANS CAN EVER MAKE IS,
I LIKE YOU.
YOU LIKE ME.
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ACTUALLY
INSIDE YOU.
I'M... I'M ASKING NOW IF I COULD
BE INSIDE YOU.
[LAUGHTER] IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU COME TO
SOMEBODY'S DOOR AND THEY'RE
LIKE, CAN I COME IN?
AND THEY'RE LIKE, LET'S JUST
TALK RIGHT HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
IN FACT, I'M GOING TO COME OUT
ON THE PORCH, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S
HARD TO CROSS AT LEAST THE
HETEROSEXUAL DIVIDE.
LET ME TELL YOU THIS, I'VE
NEVER, NEVER MET A WOMAN WHO
I'VE KNOWN FOR ANY AMOUNT OF
TIME WHO DIDN'T HAVE SOME
VERSION OF A STORY WHERE THEY
WERE INTRODUCED TO A GUY, MET
THEM ONLINE, ACROSS THE ROOM, AT
A BAR, WHATEVER.
AND THEY WERE LIKE, OH, HE SHE'S
CUTE.
HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PSYCHO.
THEY THOUGHT SOMETHING GOOD
MIGHT HAPPEN AND THEN THEY ALL
HAVE SOME VERSION OF, AND THEN
HE OPENED HIS MOUTH, AND I LOST
INTEREST.
EVERY WOMAN HAS THAT STORY...
[APPLAUSE]
AND NO MEN.
[LAUGHTER]
NO MEN.
MEN DO NOT HAVE THAT STORY.
I WAS THE WORST WHEN I WAS
YOUNGER.
A WOMAN COULD SAY ANYTHING.
SHE COULD SAY, "I'M A NAZI."
[LAUGHTER]
AND I'D BE LIKE, SO WERE YOU
ALWAYS INTERESTED IN GERMANY, OR
WAS IT MORE OF A POLITICAL...
[LAUGHTER]
SO, LOOK, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY.
NOT SO MUCH MEN, BUT, YOU KNOW,
WE'RE TRYING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
100 YEARS AGO, MEN DIDN'T EVEN
THINK WOMEN HAD SEXUAL FEELINGS.
NOW WE KNOW THEY ACTUALLY HAVE
BETTER ONES.
THE CLITORIS HAS OVER 8,000
NERVE ENDINGS.
IT'S ALMOST AS SENSITIVE AS
MILLENNIALS.
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE MINE.
WHERE ARE MY MILLENNIALS?
I LOVE MY MILLENNIALS.
THEY GOT ME THROUGH THE
PANDEMIC, AND THE KIDS MY
AGE WOULDN'T GO OUT TO PLAY.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHY BOOMERS AND
MILLENNIALS, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS FEUDING?
THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, YOU RUINED THE WORLD.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RUINED THE WORLD.
TAKE IT.
YOU'RE OVER 40 NOW.
THE OLDEST OF YOU.
YOU'VE HAD FIVE ELECTIONS TO VOTE IN.
TAKE THE WORLD.
NO ONE IS JUST GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
THAT'S A PROBLEM.
YOU GREW UP STEALING MUSIC AND
NOW YOU THINK EVERYTHING SHOULD
BE FREE.
[LAUGHTER]
TAKE IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND GEN Z ARE EVEN WORSE.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING.
I MAY NEED THEIR BLOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
NO. I LOVE THE KIDS TODAY.
I DO.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST... THEY
JUST SEEM TO BE LOCKED INTO
CHILDHOOD AS A WAY OF LIFE.
YOU KNOW, THEY EVEN HAVE A WORD
FOR WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING THAT
ISN'T CHILDISH, ADULTING.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, #Adulting. I SCRAMBLED AN EGG TODAY,
ADULTING.
#Adulting. [LAUGHTER]
I MADE A DENTAL APPOINTMENT, ADULTING.
I WIPE MY OWN ASS. I GUESS I'M TURNING INTO MY DAD.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, THEY TALK A LOT ABOUT
FRAGILITY NOW IN THIS FRAGILITY.
IT'S WITH THE YOUNG.
LAST TIME I WENT TO USE UBER,
THE SCREEN CAME UP AND SAID,
WOULD YOU LIKE CONVERSATION WITH
THE DRIVER?
[LAUGHTER] OH, I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S JUST FUCKING WING IT
TODAY, SHALL WE?
LET'S JUST GO NUTS AND SEE WHAT
HAPPENS.
REALLY, WE HAVE TO PLAN FOR
THAT?
AND I HAVE TO BE RATED, I DON'T
WANT TO BE RATED BY A FUCKING
CAB DRIVER, AND I DON'T WANT TO
WASTE A NANOSECOND RATING HIM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER
I GET OUT OF YOUR CAR, YOU CAN
KILL THE NEXT PASSENGER.
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT YOU KNOW, I MAY NEED UBER,
SO I DON'T WANT A BAD RATING.
SO I WIND UP TALKING TO THE GUY
AND HE DOESN'T WANT A BAD
RATING.
SO HE TALKS TO ME, PROBABLY
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME EITHER.
SO WE'RE BOTH PUTTING ON THIS
KABUKI DANCE FOR EACH OTHER.
[LAUGHTER] AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH AN
EPITOME OF WHAT MODERN LIFE IS.
PEOPLE FAKING THEIR LIFE, FAKING
WHAT IS INSTAGRAM, BUT FAKING
YOUR LIFE.
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GETTING BLOWN
UNDER A PALM TREE OR DRINKING
MAI TAIS AT SUNSET.
NO ONE'S EVER DUCT TAPING THEIR
SIDE VIEW MIRROR BACK ONTO THEIR
'88 TERCEL, YOU KNOW, IT IS
YOLO.
[LAUGHTER]
VIRTUAL IS WORSE.
OKAY.
CAN WE JUST PUT IT OUT THERE?
VIRTUAL, WORSE THAN REAL.
REAL AND ACTUAL IS BETTER THAN
VIRTUAL AND FACE. THAT'S WHY YOU KIDS HAVE SO MUCH
ANXIETY.
YOU KNOW, JESUS CHRIST, JUST LET IT GO.
LIVE YOUR LIFE. ENJOY IT.
IT GOES FAST.
TRUST ME, IT GOES FAST.
I'M 66.
OF COURSE, I LOOK FUCKING
AMAZING.
SO...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M FUCKING KIDDING WITH YOU.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK
LIKE.
NO, WHEN PEOPLE... BELIEVE ME, I
KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOU LOOK
GREAT, I ALWAYS SAY, YES, THE
UNSPOKEN PART IS ALWAYS FOR YOUR
AGE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU LOOK GREAT FOR YOUR AGE.
BECAUSE REALLY, IF I WAS 30 AND
I WALKED IN HERE LIKE THIS,
YOU'D BE LIKE, OH MY GOD, WERE YOU IN A FIRE?
[LAUGHTER]
REALLY?
WHEN YOU'RE 66, YOU'RE DYING IN
THE MIRROR EVERY DAY.
EVERY DAY.
I'M LIKE, FUCK CORONA, DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I THINK
THE SECRET TO AGING, I HOPE, IS
YOU HAVE TO THROTTLE BACK ON
WHAT YOU USED TO BE ABLE
TO DO AND HOW MUCH YOU COULD
PUNISH YOUR BODY.
YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP DOING IT AT
THE RATE YOU USED TO DO IT.
I THINK I'VE DONE THAT PRETTY
WELL PLEASE, JESUS.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHEN I NEED HIM.
[LAUGHTER] BUT... BUT I THINK I HAVE YOU
KNOW, I USED TO SMOKE
CIGARETTES.
THAT WAS STUPID, BUT I STOPPED.
I USED TO DRINK IRISHLY, SHALL
WE SAY, STOPPED DOING THAT.
I STOPPED EATING POT.
[LAUGHTER]
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
BECAUSE I HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE.
I'VE ACTUALLY HAD... I HAD TWO
BAD, BAD EXPERIENCES.
AND LOOK, YOU KNOW ME.
I LOVE POT.
I HAVE SEEDS IN MY URINE, I...
[LAUGHTER] BUT I HAVE HAD TWO BAD
EXPERIENCES.
ONE, OH, THIS WAS ABOUT, I DON'T
KNOW, 12 YEARS AGO, SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
I WAS HERE, WELL, NOT EXACTLY
HERE, BUT ON STAGE DOING THIS.
AND I WAS TOO HIGH.
I MEAN, I SAVED MY HIGH FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] BUT I DO... BUT I DON'T KNOW.
SOMEONE SPIKED MY DOPE THAT NIGHT.
SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I WAS TOO HIGH ON STAGE.
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
THAT FIRST HALF HOUR OF THAT
SHOW, I GOT THROUGH IT, BUT I
WAS JUST HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE AT ONE
POINT WHEN I SAID OBAMA AND THEN
THOUGHT, IS THAT HIS NAME?
[LAUGHTER]
OBAMA.
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
THE OTHER TIME WAS EVEN WORSE
WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO.
AND OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BEFORE DISPENSARIES, YOU KNOW.
SO YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH POT
IF YOU WERE EATING IT BECAUSE
YOU ATE IT IN A BROWNIE OR A
COOKIE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY PUT INTO IT.
HOW MUCH OF IT?
OH, MY GOD. I WAS HOME.
IT WAS A SATURDAY.
I HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'M GOING TO
GET A LOT OF WORK DONE TODAY.
I HAD THIS SHIT CALLED EPHEDRA.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? IT WAS LEGAL.
THEY SOLD IT IN THE HEALTH FOOD STORE.
IT WAS SPEED.
IT WAS SOME NUT FROM BRAZIL, AND
THIS NUT FROM NEW JERSEY TOOK IT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'LL TAKE
THE EPHEDRA FOR ENERGY.
I'LL TAKE THE BROWNIE FOR
CREATIVITY.
OH, FUCK.
ABOUT A HALF HOUR INTO THIS, I
WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, THIS IS
GOING TO BE THE WORST.
AND IT WAS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY
LIFE.
I MEAN, I WAS FROZEN SITTING AT
MY DESK.
MY HEART WAS BEATING A TRILLION
TIMES A MINUTE.
I THOUGHT IF I MOVED, I WOULD
DIE.
[LAUGHTER]
AT ONE POINT, I THOUGHT MAYBE I
DID DIE AND THIS IS WHAT HELL
WAS LIKE.
[LAUGHTER]
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT REALITY WAS.
SO FINALLY, OR AFTER TEN SECONDS
IT COULD HAVE BEEN TEN
SECONDS, HONESTLY.
BUT I FINALLY... THE PHONE WAS
RIGHT THERE.
I COULDN'T MOVE TO GET TO IT.
I FINALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE
AND CALLED SOMEONE TO HELP ME.
THE SECOND I PUT THE PHONE DOWN,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER I HAD
ACTUALLY DONE THAT OR JUST
THOUGHT I HAD DONE THAT.
SO I CALLED SOMEBODY ELSE.
[LAUGHTER]
AN HOUR LATER, THERE WERE LIKE
20 PEOPLE IN MY LIVING ROOM,
WOMEN I HAD WORKED SO HARD TO
KEEP APART MET EACH OTHER ON
THAT NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER] I'M SO GLAD WE MET EACH OTHER ON
THIS NIGHT.
YOU WERE AN AMAZING AUDIENCE.
LOVE YOU, MIAMI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I WANT TO THANK HBO.
THEY SAW SOMETHING IN ME IN 1989
WHEN THEY GAVE ME MY FIRST
SPECIAL, AND THIS IS THE 12TH
ONE WE'VE DONE TOGETHER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
♪ ♪