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[smooth funk music]
Congratulations, Miles.
The job is yours.
[laughter]
Miles has a millimeter Peter.
Indians call it a "Teepee peepee!"
-[native American chanting] -What the hell? Hey!
Man, that's why your daddies don't want your asses!
["Never Wanna Grow Up" by Katrina Stone]
-Dylan! -Fuck!
-You got any Plan C pills? -It's Plan B?
Look, the girl from last night said there was a Plan C pill,
for the other raw-dog slip-up.
She has gonorrhea.
Oye Papi,'chu look good.
[sighs]
Hey, Google.
How do you say "bullshit"
in Spanish?
[Google] The pronunciation is"Mierda."
Mierda?
-Close!"Mierda." -Murda.
-Murda! -Damn, bitch!
Order somepinche Rosetta,guera.
While local law enforcement are reluctant to release any information,
I threatened to blackmail a few anonymous sources
down at the precinct, and found that the victim
was simply known as "Will."
An employee at Danrick Design,
of what many are calling the most horrific--
Sir, we are recording live.
-Thank you. -Oh, sorry. Sorry about that.
Yo! That's my son, ese!
Rick...
-That was an accident. -No. Fuck that, Al.
Rick, you know my name is Sanj? Who's Al?
You. Al-Qaeda!
Yeah! Terrorizing little kids.
[screams]
Get that ass in gear, Mom!
Oh, calm down, Lainee!
I'll give you calm, when I'm in a casket.
Today? Today's carpe-motherfucking-diem.
I'm on my grind, Mom, and unless you want to end up like those losers,
I suggest you do the same.
♪ Farther than our eyes have ever seen ♪
♪ I don't wanna grow up ♪
[horns honking]
♪ Lately, could we misbehave a bit more? ♪
♪ Never know what's in store ♪
♪ When we're rowdy and bored ♪
♪ Honey, can we catch some floating fireflies? ♪
♪ Let 'em light our way tonight ♪
♪ Through the Neverland skies ♪
♪ All the whole night through ♪
♪ 'Cause we don't wanna grow up ♪
♪ We just wanna be young ♪
[music fades]
Seriously, am I, like, the lost Kardashian or something?
If the dating scene weren't lame enough,
I post a few squat pics at the gym,
and there's Black dudes in my DMs,
like I was handing out child support pardons.
Come on. This used to be our norm.
I know, it's just--
[indistinct talking in background]
[shouting in background]
-Yo? -Yerp!
Will's wife could barely carry that box, like,
how the hell could she have let his body hang like that?
Man, all I know is, Mandy told me that Will's wife
was calling and talking crazy!
Will was scared as shit!
Hey, who do you think they'll tag for his position?
His seat still has his warm ass prints.
-They won't replace him that quickly. -[chuckles]
Did you forget who our boss is?
Press your index and thumb together as hard as you can?
That's how many fucks she gives.
Oh, her balls are bigger than yours.
You know, you'll probably be the first up to get promoted to his position.
That kind of power could be sexy.
[inhales]
[coughs violently]
Or Miles.
Hmm, God bless America with tetas.
Hey, guys. Great day, right?
-Wonderful. -[sighs] Hmm.
Yo, so who do you think they gonna tag for Will's job?
It might be you, dawg!
You or Dylan. Fuck that White boy, though.
Ami doesn't even know I'm an employee, bro.
Yesterday, I had on a brown shirt.
Why she hand me UPS Boxes, bruh?
[clears throat]
Thanks, Miles.
You know, if anybody else gets that promotion,
I think it should be you.
If our profits don't go up, you're going to get fired.
-"I can't, I have a family, and a house, and a--" -[phone rings]
-DanRick Designs, your hole is our goal. -Hello. Hey, this is José.
I... [coughs] I don't think I'm going to be able to make it in today.
-So you're calling off? -No, no.
I wish I could be at work, seriously.
-It's just, I'm really sick. -Right, right.
So, typically, when a person calls to say they need a day off,
those in the united human kingdom
refer to that as a "call off."
I'm not really into labels.
Thank you for covering.
-Gracias. -Oh, totally cool.
If only I could spend more of my internship
learning the valuable skill of phone answering.
I bet I could save a ton in tuition,
and maybe even skip college altogether.
[chuckles] You know, sweetie, being a receptionist,
there's more to it than just answering phones.
Oh, you mean, hanging them up is a different set of classes?
-Why, you little-- -When exactly does that fashion training kick in?
Ugh! Dresses like these
are muchocritically to the Latino culture.
-Then why are you wearing it? -Ugh!
Mier-- fuck!
♪ Living good I'm living great ♪
♪ Everything I do I do it in first place ♪
♪ I said I'm living good I'm living great ♪
♪ Everything I do I do it in first place, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, watch my money grow watch my money grow, like a-- ♪
♪ Watch my money grow like a proud parent ♪
♪ Yeah, my money ain't old and it's colder than a snow bunny ♪
♪ Happy getting money, honey ♪
-[sharp thud] -Perhaps I was unclear at our last meeting,
when I provided a simple set of goals
for this quarter. Lainee?
Double digit turnaround in revenue and profit margins,
by the time we're reconvened.
Super sorry I'm late, guys, I had some...
congestion in the network.
-This nigga was taking a dookie. -[laughter]
He done backed up the whole damn toilet.
Look, it's a lot of shit in that motherfucker,
and I don't get paid for all that.
You're a janitor.
That's exactly why you get paid. And, uh--
-Anyways, what makes you think it was me? -[chuckles]
I done seen them little broke-ass, Brooks Brothers wannabe shoes
-and your little feet just twitching under the door. -[all laugh]
Look, I don't get paid to kick people's asses either.
Don't make me go pro-bono.
[whimsical music]
I'm supposed to be IT.
-Not S-H-I-T. -[laughter]
["West Coast Thang" by Nipsey Hussle feat. KrsTQ & Ill Will]
[phone rings]
DanRick Designs, where your hole is our goal!
Hey, sis. Qué pasa en la raza?
María?
Oh, hey.
You cut out.
Qué haciendo?
I can't hear you, uh, bad signal!
Enough grab-ass!
Department reports! HR.
Uh, today we'll be honoring a couple of our esteemed colleagues.
First, we'll have a memorial for everyone's favorite co-worker, Will.
We have some--
We have some great video from the charities he helped. Spoiler alert!
There were plenty, so bring Kleenex. A little later, we'll lighten the mood,
as we celebrate Juan's b-day. Who doesn't love free cake?
-Just need a small donation from everyone. -I don't like it.
We don't like it.
-Uh, don't like which--- -Any of it.
[whispering] He may cry again.
You have ten minutes. 12:50 to 1:00 p.m. Make it work.
Next, IT.
[traditional Indian music]
I said, "I'm on my way to LA."
Going to surprise you and your new bae.
My new bae, right.
Um...
What's Señor Caliente's name, anyway?
-Um, uh... -[frantic clicking]
Juan Guapo Hungrod Martinez.
Oh, he sounds super south of the border.
Might be some Eas' Los sangre in you yet,chica.
Sí,major sí.
Uh, I thought about what you and Mom had said.
Dad and aunty Patricia, uncle Hector, our neighbors,
the old lady who does my nails.
Anyone could read Latin studies,
but not everyone could live the Latin culture.
Ay, mija,look at you!
When I get down there, I'm gonna swing over to trabajo.
So, este...
What did you say his name was again?
Juan Guapo Hungrod Martinez.
Juan Guapo.
Get him to meet us for lunch.
I want to see what he's all about, qué no?
K, yes, but he's kind of a boss who--
El jefe?
So he shouldn't have any problem meeting with us, pues.
[whimpers]
Oh!
Next up, Innovations.
-New development today. -Really exciting news!
[tense dramatic music]
Well, this is some really exciting news.
And this is pretty cutting edge.
[Ami] Oh, I just remembered.
Will was great... but he's dead.
Silver lining, we'll be having open interviews for his position.
We've already narrowed down our finalists to Dylan and Miles.
[grunting]
Hey, hey... [chuckles]
Yo! It's going di-di-di-di down down, son!
Finally, move out of your parents' garage!
Yeah, bro! Still kind of surprised Ami even knows I'm alive.
[laughing] Hey, yo, hey, yo. I got to call my pops!
Dale!Go ahead, bro!
[salsa music]
I told you, I told you!
[inhales deeply]
Uh...
If I get this promotion,
I'm taking you out.
Get you all dolled up,
and then...
You know, if you...
If you ever wanted food or beverages...
ever.
Whatever.
Well, I do have
this manipulative red dress,
-I've been waiting to, um-- -Oh, manipulative.
Oh!
I've got to go call my mum real quick.
[phone rings]
Great minds, right?
I was literally debating if ten minutes
was enough time just to get--
Laurie Caldwell needs to be fired.
Oh, okay. I can start a paper--
-Today. -By noon.
That's all. Thank you.
Deuces, with a discount.
[whimsical music]
Look, I just need him to show up for a few hours.
I'm not even worried about the sex part.
Well, I mean, if it's that big, and it's part of the price...
[lock beeps and clicks]
Hey, Juan.
How come we've never gone out for some drinks?
Because my mom would kill me for dating a White girl.
But I'm not.
Hey, Sanj. Got a second?
[phone rings]
Hey, uh...
Congrats on the opportunity.
Yeah, yeah. You too.
[light dramatic music]
Hey, may the best man win.
Yep. And the best way we can honor Will,
is commit the same level of dedication and results
to his clients like you.
Sure!
I'd be honored to work with you.
If you could just let Ami know you'd prefer me
overseeing your portfolio...
[chuckles] Sounds good.
Hey-- not if I see you first.
[chuckles]
How did you know the victim, Will,
or any details of his crime?
Yo, this is Bron. Purp' n' gold gang all day.
R.I.P to my girl, Kathy tha--
Did you happen to know the victim, Will,
or any details in regards to his murder?
Oh, yeah. Yeah! For real, for-- for sure.
Yeah, Will be getting it in. [chuckles]
-Oh, "Will be getting it in"? -Oh, yes. Yes.
Will definitely be getting it in.
You feel me? He don't play.
I don't play.
-That's just the way we live. Yeah. -Oh, so--
so you two were well acquainted?
Wha-- what that mean?
You were close? You knew each other?
Uh, wasn't nobody humping around, if that's what that mean.
-[reporter] Oh, okay. Okay, well... -[Bron] Yeah.
...thank you so much for your time today.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Did I know Will? Technically, no.
-But, I do think-- No, wait one second. -Okay. Thank you so much.
-I do think that he copped my mixtape from the store... -No, thank you so much for--
-...downtown, Mr. PussyPatter. -Thank you so much for coming today, sir.
[coughing]
Hey, Ant. Uh...
How long you been under there?
I don't know.
Help your boy out.
See if you can get that third stall unclogged,
because one of you, ladies,
has been dropping some real gender neutral logs.
[fast banging]
Yeah...
Oh, yeah, baby!
Here I come to save the day!
Yeah, here I come, alright.
Come on, baby!
[inhales sharply]
-Somebody's getting fired! -It wasn't company Wi-Fi!
Like, when is firing part of my job?
Guys, it's safe sex!
I-- I update Norton's virus protection every week, mostly.
Oh, come on, Harry!
Rent's due, I have a few online subscriptions in collections.
I-- I just put the whole 50 Shadestrilogy
in my Amazon cart!
It was the Gold Box Deal of the Day!
[cries hysterically]
I'm trying to put a Russian co-ed through an American college, man!
And all she has are her precious entrepreneurial...
...booty videos.
[cries hysterically]
What are you talking about?
Wait. What are-- what are you talking about?
Laurie Caldwell. The boss says I need to fire her.
I've never fired anyone before!
Wait.
You're area HR, and you've never fired?
[laughs]
Well, got a real whale dick to bust your cherry.
[laughs] Yo!
Laurie, right? Laurie Loophole?
Yeah, they've been trying to fire her for, like, seven years.
Ami's been through eight area HR managers
who all, quote, "Fired Laurie."
But every time, she's come back with a lawsuit settlement
and a big-ass pay raise.
♪ Laurie Loophole finds a way ♪
♪ To get that, get that get that pay! Oh! ♪
You know, like the ruple?
[phone rings]
Mom, I have great news.
[Dylan's mom] Oh, that's wonderful, Dilly-Dilly!
Steve and I have good news too!
-Pop! -[Miles' pop] Boy, why is you yelling?
I got great news, pop.
Oh, I got something for you too!
-They selected me for a promotion! -I was selected for a promotion.
-Well, I mean, I'm a finalist, but... -Well, I'm a finalist,
-it's me and this Black guy. -...it's me and this White dude.
[Miles' pop] Ooh...
-What this mean, "Ooh"? -Come on, son.
Don't be ignorant. It means your Black-ass ain't got no chance.
Just because he's Black, doesn't mean that I--
[Dylan's mom] Oh, come on, Dilly-Dilly.
You know how they treat Blacks now!
All the reversed racism as is, and discriminated lawsuits.
Oh, God.
But I'm good at what I do.
[Miles' pop] Boy, you ain't shit!
I'm a gardener. Your granddaddy was a gardener.
Hell, it's probably some old slave, cotton fields DNA shit.
Word. That's how DNA works, Pop?
[Dylan's mom] You're the smartest cookie on the planet,
but minorities don't have to be as smart
or as talented to get ahead.
It's a colored man's world.
We're just lucky to get gravity.
But I'm good.
You're good, but you're not Black.
[Miles' pop] You're doing good, but don't fool yourself.
It's in the White man's garden.
And we just handle their manure.
[Dylan's mom] For my good news,
Steve and I are selling the house!
What do you mean, "Selling the house"?
Dad bought that land.
He built the house from the first brick.
Oh, I know, I know, but Steve wants to take me
to sail the Mexicos. We need the money.
I told him I am not eating chimichangas all day,
-but-- -Fuck Steve!
Hey...[scoffs]
Steve was there for me after your dad passed.
My dad.
Your husband!
30 years, remember?
[Miles' pop] Oh, Mr. Rubin from the center called.
Said the donations dried up and they have to close the doors.
What? When was this? If they close, those kids will be on the streets.
-Their biz, not mine. -My tech kids have been busting their asses
for the Robo-Tech Competition next month,
and they were building a kids' size Voltron.
He said unless you come up
with the entry and transport fees,
-y'all have to withdraw. -Those kids' future depends on this.
-I'll get the money. -I'm gonna get the money.
-I'm gonna get that promotion. -I'm gonna get that promotion.
[machine whirring]
-Have you been working out? -No.
-Been on any good dates lately? -Like with real women? Also no.
Well, what if I set you up with this spicy little Latin number?
Is this some sort of green card scam?
No, God, no.
She is super American.
-How American? -Like...
watching Pitch Perfectwith a cold slice of pumpkin pie...
[both] And a dollop of cinnamon whipped cream!
[both laugh]
Well, make sure she's got the spicy,
because I got the curry for sure-y.
-Chic-chica! -[distorted voice] Oh, yeah!
I don't fucking get it.
There's money and there's bullshit.
Which one do you think I prefer to talk about?
I'm not my dad.
[suspenseful music]
First things first. Lainee, crack run.
My usual. Don't make my day any worse.
[Lainee hums]
I don't have time for all the formalities.
So, I merged your two interviews together.
You have three words or less,
preferably less,
to tell me why you want the job.
No fake work bullshit, okay? Go.
Uh... Mom selling dad!
[music intensifies]
Center shut down!
First, second. Though, you were both so underwhelming.
You know what? I don't need another soft-ass Will.
I need a fucking killer.
Someone that's going to help this company hide a body...
if we need to.
-Maybe I misjudged-- -[phone buzzing]
Hey, Jim.
Good to hear from you too! You both failed.
That means get the fuck out!
Oh, so sad about Will.
Yeah, we're all still just reeling over here.
I can't stop crying... Yeah.
[whimsical music]
Okay.
It's okay, alright? Peop-- People get fired every day.
If the boss wants her fired... "You're out of here!"
Better her than me.
I do my job, and I do it damn good.
Ever since little Harry was second grade pencil sharpening monitor.
You think anybody had any pencil pokes that year? Any lead poisoning?
Not on my watch. Not on my watch!
-Brendan! -Gah!
Uh, your speech, it was inspiring,
it got my adrenaline pumping.
Um, you have something...
No, it's--
-Still? -Uh, it's more...
What, man?
[gasps]
You need to run harassment training today.
I need to mask up...
and then go fire a bitch.
[stapler clicks]
It couldn't be that bad.
Bad is driving your dad's car into the Whomping Willow.
I'd take that over this any day.
It's like Harry playing Quidditch without his Firebolt.
Damn! Seriously?
I could've done better selling Black Lives Matter shirts at a tea party rally.
If it means anything, Ami said I came in first.
Aight!
Nah, brah.
Bro! You know, when you have sex with a new female,
you don't even recognize your own cock anymore.
Yo, what the fuck are you talking about?
We got to get extra hard, papi!
Fuck being a field nigga! It's Birth of a Nation time, master!
And we're ready for all you motherfuckers!
We built this nation. It's time we take it back.
-What do you mean? -I mean, look at them.
Conspiring, thinking what else they can steal.
Not this time, Kunta.
Them ankles are mine, boy!
We're about to make this office great again.
Nigga...
White people have been playing dirty for...
Well, literally for fucking ever.
And that's why they have power everywhere.
Why do you think they're not in power anywhere?
Cheating and crying only gets you so far.
-But before he can steal from you... -We need to...
...sabotage him and get you back in the hunt.
-Huh? -You want to save...
...your dad's house, right?
-I don't know. -It doesn't seem right.
-Right ain't going to... -...keep the kids in the center and off the streets, papa.
Look, I'm not talking about killing the guy...
...unless you're ready to take it there, homie.
-I don't-- -No.
Just playing.
We're just going to kill any equal opportunity bullshit.
Little reparations for everything they did to our ancestors, dawg!
-Whip cracking reform! -[drawer slams]
Mental warfare, nigga!
Storm the beaches of their cerebral cortezzz.
We make him look bad at work...
...so you get another shot at the promotion, my G.
For your Dad.
Para los niños...
Yeah.
Okay.
[engines rumble]
[acoustic guitar strumming]
[coins jangling]
Hey, I'm not a starving artist.
I'm just nibbly.
[scoffs] Whatever, bro.
[gentle guitar music]
Bob! Peach bellini partini!
-Uh, it's actually Tom. -But don't forget to tip, Bob.
[clicks tongue]
-Laurie? -It's Lainee.
-Oh, it says Laurie on the cup. -Oh, "The cup says."
-What does my birth certificate know? -I don't know.
What the hell is this?
[suspenseful music]
[phone smashes]
I'll tell you what it's not.
It's not what my boss ordered!
Tell me. I was gonna look at your name tag,
but your identity isn't worth a single second of my life.
I'm just gonna call you, "Guy."
Got it, guy?
-Guy, do you hate me? -No...
-[both laugh] -Guy, do you want me to lose my internship?
Huh? Drop out of college. Inevitably end up with a crippling meth addiction.
That pushes me into selling this sweet ass
in some bottom-feeding corner in a redneck trailer park,
where drugs will end my precious little life, before I even drive a car,
or worse, kiss a boy for the first time!
Is that you want, guy?
Then make me the single shot, double drip, cream-dream supreme
with a triple pump, sugar free, fructose blend,
one half almond, one half lactose cream,
93 degree caramel macchiato, that I ordered!
[dishes clattering]
[intense music]
[steamer whirs]
Do you want whip on that?
-[whistling] -[sharp thud]
[robber] Not going to stop this, big boy.
Alright, everybody. Get your hippy bracelet hands in the air now.
I mean, get on the ground!
Now!
[western style music]
[stapler clicks]
[tape dispenser clicks]
Nice doing business with you, Mr. Zangang.
I'll see you tomorrow, at eight, okay?
[chuckles] All right.
What the fuck? The fuck wrong with this phone, man?
Get the fuck off my ear, man!
Hey, man! Hey, hey, hey!
Hey-- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not you, Mr. Zangang!
Oh, you still on the phone? [chuckles]
I didn't mean that shit, you know what I'm saying? I ju--
Did I say "shit"? I'm sorry, Mr. Zan--
Uh, yeah. It's just, you know, with a little more--
just a little business that I got to attend to.
It's all good, Mr. Zan-- how about you hang up first?
♪ I don't trust no hoe ♪
♪ I don't be trusting a hoe ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
["No Love" by XUAVE]
["No Love" by XUAVE continues]
[electric buzzing]
[music fades]
[electric buzzing]
[whimsical music]
[whooshing]
[heavy metal music]
[music fades]
Tyrone!
What's up, my nigga?
Nothing.
You see that?
Did you see that?
I was playing it cool. You dig?
Wasn't even trying to jive, my man!
But racially insensitive words...
"Insensitive words," write it down now!
No matter what tone, make people uncomfortable.
Makes them disengage and feel isolated.
Tyrone immediately retreated to Twitter,
begging for a hug.
Probably tormented with thoughts of his grandparents
being whipped on the plantation!
Or of his pops...
running out on his crackhead Mom,
only to be shot by some honky-tonk cop!
-All lives matter, Tim? -[glass smashes]
My parents are with my grandparents, on a cruise in the Bahamas.
[sighs] Slave ship genetics? I get it.
And that's why there's no room for racist,
-bigoted stereotyping... -[phone chimes]
...comments or jokes.
[Juan chuckles]
Oh... [stutters] Excuse me, homes.
You got a problem, Juan?
Because unless you Juan't one,
you better tell me what the fuck is up!
Nothing, man. It's just my little brother.
He's just talking shit, because he won his science fair
I won, like, seven years ago.
[laughter]
[laughing sarcastically] Science fairs...
Science fairs in Mexico?
What kind of pinche gringo do you take me for?
[tense techno music]
These motherfuckers really think they're resilient.
Okay. Time to step the fuck up.
I don't know. I'm getting some real guilty vibes.
I saw Malcolm X flipping me off before I passed out.
-I think we should just drop it. -Drop it?
[scoffs] You just want to drop it?
Did your father just drop the hammer,
when he built a house for his family to live in?
Huh? Now you just don't care.
What? No, I...
think I'm just gonna go to Ami and tell her I was nervous.
Ask for a second chance.
[chuckles and slaps]
Young Dylan,
-you just don't get it. -[whimpers] Ow!
You don't get second shots.
Only those freeloading, half-assed minorities,
who ride the wave of equal opportunity
to get what they want.
So, here's what we're gonna do.
I don't know, bro. Just seems like I should ask Ami for another shot.
All this racial focus is starting to backfire.
Bro, the KKK was in the bathroom earlier.
Exactly, bro. Ex-fucking-actly!
These White motherfuckers still think they can tell us where to shit,
where to eat, how to vote.
Well, today, the whip cracks back. Wha-pssh!
But if I get a second shot and I crush it, it won't matter.
"Won't matter?" "It won't matter?"
[laughs hysterically]
Ha! "Won't matter?"
White people are fucking evil, bro.
Do you think they let the slaves go when they were crushing it in the field?
Do you think they let Martin Luther King live,
when he was crushing it with non-violence?
The only thing they're fucking crushing,
is our opportunity in this country, papa!
I get it, but sometimes hard work
-can really pay off, you just gotta-- -[chuckles]
The ironing.
Wait, do you mean irony?
No wonder you fucking tanked the interview.
Oh, the ironing. Like trying to smooth out a wrinkle situation.
Pshhh!
"The irony." Nobody "ironies" their clothes.
Pshh!
Dumb ass.
[chews loudly]
[suspenseful music]
[Harry] "Laurie, I know you're a hard worker. Maybe too hard.
The company decided to go into a new direction."
[grunts] No.
"This part of the job is always a struggle.
It's never easy to fire someone, especially when that someone
is the someone I'm talking to." Ugh!
"Laurie. You gots to go, bitch!"
[sighs] Yeah.
-Laurie... -Yes?
Hey, I--
I just, um...
Right? [chuckles]
What? So sad about Will, huh?
Who knew that part of the body could bend that much?
[suspenseful music]
Harry?
[water splattering]
[emotional uplifting music]
♪ I'm a man ♪
♪ Created fire with our hands ♪
♪ I'm a man ♪
♪ Stole and pillaged many lands ♪
♪ I'm a man ♪
♪ When I pee, I stand ♪
♪ I'm a man, yes, I am♪
♪ Yes, I am, I'm a man♪
♪ Eve took the first bite Adam still stood beside her ♪
♪ Y'all fight for equal rights but call us to kill a spider?♪
♪ You think childbirth is hard? We put a man on the moon ♪
♪ I'd have like 20 kids a year if you gave me a womb ♪
♪ So listen up, huh? Here's how it's going down ♪
♪ Laurie, you're fired get the fuck outta town ♪
♪ Oh wait, what? You don't know who I am? ♪
♪ Trick, looky here I'm a man, I'm a man ♪
♪ I'm a maaaaaaaaaaan...♪
♪ I'm a man♪
I'm a man.
[laughter]
Men, right?
According to the sign on the door.
-[laughter] -Yes, yes. Yes!
-Nigga, what the fuck? -What the fuck? N' sync n' shit.
[both sing] ♪ Bye, bye, bye! ♪
[robber] Let's keep this real nice and easy, everybody.
Guitar man, play me some robbery music.
Come on!
We're gonna take him down. Man up!
Actually, I've been considering a sex change for the past two minutes.
Our insurance place are surprisingly flexible and--
I'm gonna give you a Tijuana sex change if you don't shut it.
You distract him, I'll disarm him.
Don't freeze.
-[robber] Not the cheap stuff. -[dull thud]
-Who are you? -It ain't Laurie, motherfucker.
[keyboard clicking]
[uptempo techno music]
[groans softly]
[winces]
Shit!
-Please, please, don't go, please. -[squelching]
Oh, fuck! Ooh, it's on the tip.
Oh, that's poo poo water. That's diarrhea, baby.
Oh, God help me, please!
-Oh, man. Miles, thank God. -I'm sorry, Shayne. I really gotta go.
Don't laugh, but my shoe got stuck.
We have midday presentations in like, ten minutes.
-I have to go-- I have to go to the bathroom. -Please, please.
[sighs]
-There you go. -And there you go!
What? Oh, my G--
-Shayne! Shayne! -[handle rattles]
-[loud banging] -I'm trying!
-I think it's stuck! -Come on, Shayne!
Miles, it is stuck!
Stop embarrassing yourself!
[inhales sharply]
Damn it, Shayne!
[groaning]
[groans]
[panting]
[farts loudly]
[groans]
Look... [inhales sharply]
You're a professional trapped in a stairwell.
[groans] It's not like you jumped on some-- nigga, shit!
And opted for a stairwell over a legit bathroom.
You'll get Sanj to clean it up. That's it.
It's not like the stairs are up for a promotion, my nigga.
Oh!
-Woo! Woo! -[poop squelches]
-[groans] -[poop squelches]
Fuck you, shayne!
[panting]
Shit.
-Where you been at, bro? Middays! -I know--
-Oh, let me grab my-- -Thumb drive! Let's go.
["West Coast Thang" by Nipsey Hussle feat. KrsTQ & Ill Will]
-Bitch, I need a job! -[giggles]
[both giggle]
-Oi! -How are you?
Mira, bien y tú? Mira, muy bonito.
♪ María, María ♪
♪ She reminds me of a West Side... ♪
[sniffs]
♪ ...Story ♪
So this is the infamous Juan Guapo Hungrod Martinez?
-[grunts] -No way.
-Sí way. -Hmm...
[Latin music]
You don't look totally Latino.
-You mixed with something? -Maybe a little agave, jalapeño...
But other than that... todo Guadalajara.
Okay, well, if you're a real Chicano, answer me this.
-Where's the best place to party in TJ? -Hey, chica.
-I'm gonna stop you right there. -Oh...
Only gringos go to TJ to party.
Okay, let's get real then.
You're planning the guest list for your niece's quinceañera.
Which of the family members get reserved parking?
Backyard or event hall?
Backyard.
-Well? -Nobody.
They all park on the grass.
Well, okay. I guess you really are el jefe.
[chuckles] I told you!
So listen up, mm-kay?
I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Uh, um, uh...
Nanette! Okay.
Why not? Sure, come on up.
[sensual music]
Yeah. Oh, jeez--
Oh... [chuckles]
[sneezes] So, additional to racism,
there's, uh, sexual and religious her ass...
Her ass-- Harassment!
Harassment!
And obviously, I didn't call Nanette up here to read
The Bible.Am I right?
Good.
Can we speed this up?
Yeah...
So, we all watch sports, right?
What do all the teammates say when someone does a good job?
-Good job. -Right!
Righty-o. Natural athlete.
Three pointer, Tyrone!
And they always follow up with a little gesture...
just to solidify the compliment.
[slaps and moans] Hey, Nannette,
good job on unclogging that printer jam.
-[slaps and moans] Hey, Nanette. -[Juan] Did he just-- was that a slap?
Great job on that presentation today.
You see what's happening here?
We're a team!
Just like any sport, yes?
Sure, our arena is a little different, but...
are we still not trying to win it all?
So, that's why there's nothing wrong...
with cheering your teammates on.
Hey, Nannette.
Marksman-like accuracy on that calendar invite.
-[sighs] Oh... -[sharp thud]
[men] Oh shit!
-[Juan] Oh shit! -[Brendan grunts] Oh!
Right here. If we expand our target audience,
we could see a 45% jump
in overall revenue for that sector.
-[Lady Fiya] Oh... -[gasps]
-Lady Fiya, we're going to cool you off. -Uh... This isn't mine.
Kind of hard to cool off a... hot girl!
-Uh... [chuckles nervously] -[rock music plays on TV]
-Uh, uh... [chuckles nervously] -What's wrong, boys?
-Too much ass-phyxiation? -Uh...
[sniffs] Smell like shit.
♪ Roll, roll, roll your blunt ♪
♪ Then you let it steam ♪
♪ Pass it over to your friend ♪
Oh, hell, no. They ain't getting none of this.
Mm.
-[dull thuds] -[all] Damn! Damn!
Here's one! When is it acceptable to touch a co-worker's privates?
When your shoe is turning his baby nuts into Gerbers!
-[dull thuds] -[man 1] Oh, damn son!
-[indistinct yelling] -[man 2] I told your ass! I told--
-Drink more protein! -[man 1] Woo!
[Tyrone] Dang!
Tim...
[sighs]
He did it.
When I left my office, he fucking did it!
What are you talking about?
-Besides, I'm more of a MILF chaser. -[laughs hysterically]
Great! One of my candidates is a porn junkie,
and the other is on CP time.
-She did it! She trapped me in the stairwell! -Moi?
Hey, guys. I'm sure that a virus just attached itself
to Dylan's presentation, and those stairwell doors,
-they get jammed all the time. We just need to fix them. -Enough!
-[both] But he did it! -[phone buzzes]
Hey, Jim!
My dad's cabin? Right now?
Sure, no problem. I'll send you the code.
Will's replacement...
The guys I told you about that--
Sure. I'll send them.
And if they screw up, they're done all together.
[water rushes]
Um, sorry about that, earlier, Laurie.
I'm a man.
[laughs hysterically]
And as such, there are certain responsibilities
that a man such as myself,
in a position such as mine must take.
Laurie, you've been with the company,
what, nine years now?
-And lately-- -Hold that thought, Harry.
-Cramps. -[pen clatters]
Uh, okay. Yeah, sure.
-Sure, sure. -[loud thud]
[exhales sharply] Halfway there.
Not so bad.
Whale dick... [blows raspberry]
I'm a man.
I will take that whale dick, shove it right in my mouth.
and just... [fast gnawing]
-[Laurie] Oh, my God. Harry, I'm pregnant. -[dramatic musical sting]
-Fuck! -Yeah, that's normally how it works with, uh...
[moaning]
Aah!
[gentle lullaby]
-Congrat-- okay. -Hi!
-Uh, be-- be right-- -Mama!
He-he! Hi!
[dramatic musical sting]
[gasps]
[frantic music]
I'm a ma--
[dull thud]
[birds chirping]
Man, these fuckers are scandalous.
This whole time, we were trying to get them,
they were getting us.
I was trying to be nice, but fuck that.
We need to rip these motherfuckers' hearts out.
Scandalous-ass White folks, always trying to hold somebody Black!
Man, they wanted a nigga? A nigga here now!
-[Lonzo] How here are you, bro? -Right here!
Shady-ass Black people, always trying to get over.
Okay, well, here come the colonizers.
[Shayne] Now you're talking, daddy. Big Dick style.
-[Lonzo] Are you sure you're ready, dawg? -What you got?
Papi,let's just say, by the time
you're getting cozy in your new office,
a celly is going to be getting cozy in Dylan's ass.
-How you gonna do that? -Wakanda forever!
What is every Black man's kryptonite?
Black and milds? Rims?
-Gold chains? Uh, Timberlands? -Okay, okay. Ssh.
Let's just hope Miles converts to prison ball sacks
as easily as you do to your new tax bracket.
-[lips pop] -I like it.
Go.
Go and take back our country!
[suspenseful music]
[birds chirping]
[door shuts]
Fuck! I already hate this fucking place.
Cabin in the woods...
-Damn it, man. No signal! -[chimes bell]
[door creaks]
[wood creaking]
Shit. Out of my way, racist!
-Your mom's a fucking racist. -What?
-Oh, hi, guys. -Mandy?
How'd you roll up here?
Freeze, dirt turkeys!
-Ready? -No.
-Too bad! -Aw!
-[robber] Ah! -[gunshot]
[muffled thud]
[ethereal melancholic music]
I told you your name wasn't important.
Rest easy, guy.
Who is this asshole?
He... was... guy!
[grunting and spluttering]
-That was my boss' drink! -[robber cries]
[groans]
Jim?
-Mandy! Hey! -Hey!
-[Jim] Ha-ha! -[Mandy giggles]
-Hey, Jim. -Dylan Kirkpatrick, pleas--
I'm Miles Fuller, Ami said--
-As your account repre-- -Hey, I really want to tell--
Let's cut the crap, fellas. This here is real simple.
-Let's rack... -[gun cocks]
...and track.
Sorry, Jim. No signal!
That's not the gear.
[whimsical music]
[loud gunshots]
[sighs]
Let's get one with nature.
[birds chirping]
We could have just turned them off.
[phone rings]
Okay, well, if you two are so lovey-dovey, let me see you kiss.
Un beso.
-Come on. -[chuckles nervously]
[nervous laughter]
[laughter continues]
A-ha!
[laughter]
[smooching loudly]
Sister, I've heard the most amazing things about you,
yet words aren't even a starting point.
-Your mustache is faker than your tongue! -[gasps]
-[whimpers] Ew! -Y esto qué es?[gasps]
Papiwould never forgive you.
Not only did you fake love, you--
you faked a whole Mexican!
[dramatic musical sting]
[chuckles] I don't believe it.
-You've got to be the biggest fraud in Latin culture. -[whimpers]
After Ariana Grande.
Hey!
That kiss wasn't fake.
-It wasn't? -It wasn't?
[upbeat pop music]
Did it feel fake to you?
N-- no, it felt really good.
[both giggle]
Qué?
You guys ever fired a gun?
-Call of Duty! -Call of Duty!
[loud gunshot]
[bird squawks]
I need someone with the instincts of a hunter
overseeing my account.
Kill or be killed.
It's real simple.
First person to kill something breathing
and get it back to the cabin, wins my account, but...
if I return first with the trophy,
I find a new company for my millions.
Yeah, I'm not really the "killy" type.
I was actually vegan, for a minute.
-[gun cocks] -Well, I'm not a little bitch, Jim.
-I'm game. -Wait, I thought Mandy was here to referee?
Oh, no. I asked Ami to send her.
-Me and Mandy go way back. She's great! -Fuck.
And once these loudmouths get the hell out of here
and stop scaring the wildlife with their whining,
I'm sure that a creature with a death wish will mosey on up!
That's the spirit, Mandy!
Hunting is 90% mental,
and we know Asians, when it comes to academics.
[birds chirping]
-Well, I never said I wouldn't. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-- I'll totally bust a cap.
Let's get started!
What are you doing?
We're going with you...
to murder.
This isn't a circle jerk, buddy.
It's every man for himself.
But, we don't have GPS.
No phones, no cars, no tech.
It's just you, mother nature,
and whatever's on the kill-end of that rifle.
[sighs] You can follow the high peak back to the cabin.
What the fuck does that mean?
He just abandoned us and--
["The Best Day" by Bobby Cole]
Fuck my life.
♪ Today is the best day ♪
♪ Of my life ♪
♪ And I'll sing it out a thousand times ♪
♪ Today is the best day ♪
♪ Of my life ♪
[bubbling]
[western style music]
[whimpers]
-[Harry grunts] -[screams]
[grunting]
What the hell happened to you?
Civil rights.
You?
I think I fired Laurie.
-Oh, my God! [giggles] -So excited! I can't believe it!
-I'm so happy for you. -Thank you!
You sure about that?
Damn it. Okay, all right.
Think, Harry, think.
[singing] ♪ W-W-H-D ♪
♪ What would Harry do? ♪
♪ To keep it, Harry, true ♪
[clears throat]
♪ True... ♪
[coughs]
-♪ Ooh-ahh-- ♪ -Oh, you're flat!
-It centers me, okay? -[groans]
What type of lawsuits did Laurie Loophole file?
Um, unlawful termination,
gender discrimination, reverse gender discrimination.
-What is that? -When they rehired her after the gender discrimination suit,
she filed another suit that said they wouldn't rehire a man.
She sued, because they rehired her?
She once sued that the splash of the toilet gave her herpes!
That's it! I'm just gonna go to Ami,
I'm-- I'm going to tell her, you know...
Something! Give me something, Brendan!
I don't know what to tell her!
That sounds like a you problem.
[laughs and splutters]
Ow, my face.
-What's up, man? -Hey.
-Dude, pecs are a little-- pecs are a little small, man. -Yeah?
Um, masturbate twice a day, boost the testosterone levels.
-All right? Catch you on the track, boy. -All right, cool.
-[Brent] Hey, hi! -Thank you, Brent!
[whimsical music]
[fridge rumbles]
Ugh!
[groaning]
-José? -Lainee?
Because if you are, you've got the wrong guy.
-I'm not José. -You called off today!
-I don't call off! -[Ant] You're not calling anybody!
[dull thud]
[ethereal music]
It's all right, little mama.
Even bosses have bad days.
[chuckles]
[uptempo techno music]
Damn! Chill! Wit' yo' overly aggressive-ass!
He's literally knocked the fuck out, Larry.
-Relax, NYPD. -Hey, hey. He was robbing the place.
Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
This is one bad hombre.
Well, ain't this a whale's dick?
[spiritual folk music]
Oh-- oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, oh!
Dick chafe! Dick chafe! Aah!
[Miles] Oh, I can't do this.
I mean, damn! Do I look African?
Did I put "tribesman" on my resume?
[sighs loudly]
[panting]
I'm not Man vs. Wild.
Oh, fuck... [panting]
My balls didn't drop until I was four!
[echoes]
[tense dramatic music]
[birds chirping]
-You... -You...
This is all your fault!
How convenient, man.
Even in the middle of nowhere,
you find a Black man to blame for your bullshit.
This isn't about Black or White. This whole stupid challenge
is because you and your buddy have been fucking with my chances.
What you say there, White privilege?
I was too busy shucking
and jiving, and getting fucked over,
by you and Susie side-chick, all fucking day.
I didn't do that because you're Black!
-But you did them. -You and la Raza did the same!
Always blame the White man when shit doesn't go your way?
Take responsibility for your failure.
Easy for you to say when you guys are always holding us back.
Name one time.
That's different, man. I didn't do that because you're Black, I--
Man, I need this job!
I need this job to save my dad's house.
It's all I have left of him.
I would have fucked over anybody.
[chuckles] Lowkey, me too, man.
I mean, I would have voted Trump over Obama,
to help keep the center open.
I just wanted the kids in my hood, man,
to have an easier path than what I had.
I don't have anything against y'all White boys.
You signed the Emancipation Proclamation.
I still wouldn't have voted Trump over Obama.
[laughs]
Not that piece of shit.
Hey, it looks like Handy Mandy got a leg up now.
[both laugh]
-[dramatic musical sting] -[laughter]
Yeah, yeah. She'll be able to roll right in.
[both laugh]
-You got that right! -[gun cocks]
Mandy?
Why do your feet work?
Shut the fuck up, both of you.
Drop them, now.
[music intensifies]
Hey, Ami. You got a second?
For you? No.
Uh, okay.
[emotional uplifting music]
I'm a man.
You know what, Ami? Unless you want to lose a quarter million dollars,
I suggest you make a second.
No, fuck that! Make two seconds,
because in case you haven't been paying attention,
that's exactly what trying to "fire"
Laurie Loophole has cost you.
I did some research. She has cost you 260k in lawsuits,
and now she's saying she's pregnant,
which could easily double that amount,
if we don't have a solid game plan.
So, why exactly are we firing her?
-Performance? Attendance? -I don't like her.
Okay. What exactly has she done that you don't like?
Her perfume.
It's whore-ish.
Okay, not the most legal reason.
My company, my reason.
Damn it, Ami! If you're gonna fire me anyway,
then fuck it, fire her yourself.
And when you get hit with a multimillion dollar lawsuit--
[slaps]
Move her to the back office.
I even catch a whiff of that bitch's scent,
and you're both fired. Got it?
You ever tell me "no" again,
it had better be over a billion dollars.
[slaps]
And cover your face. I don't want our clients
thinking we're having an outbreak.
Actually, Ami, this is who I am.
I'm a man, and--
And I have a great beige remoulade
I have been waiting to try.
You know, I thought for sure that this position
was going to be mine, after I got rid of Will.
What?
-You killed Will? -With that "Look at me, I'm Mr. Nice Guy"
dipshit out of my way, my tracks covered,
I just thought that this job was gonna be mine.
-Mandy, this is crazy shit-- -No!
What's crazy is the fact that you think it's easy
rolling yourself around in a wheelchair for three years,
gaining sympathy, increasing likability,
all the while trying to plot how to off
the next person up on the food chain.
Oh, and by the way, it was a perfect plot.
You know...
Will probably deserved it, with--
with all that "Ooh, look at me, I'm so helpful" crap.
Yuck! Right?
And I won't even hate on that primo handicapped
parking spot you've been milking, I mean, that's innovation!
-[applauds] -The promotion is yours.
-Take it. -Oh, yeah. I'm gonna take it.
You see, you guys, you helped me realize that between the entitled White man
and the equal opportunity Black man, that the Asian woman
is just going to have to take an "any means necessary" approach.
Oh, and Jim said to bring back something dead, right?
Well, I'm banking on your dead asses getting me a bigger salary.
-[gun cocks] -Say hi to Will.
[Miles] Oh, oh! Shit!
-This way! -[Miles] Is this the way back to the cabin?
-[Dylan] Is it? Oh, shit. -[gun cocks]
Oh, shit. Damn! She's gaining on us!
-[loud gunshot] -Three years of latent leg energy!
-[Mandy] Ha! Will thought he could get away, too. -[loud gunshot]
[uptempo rock music]
-[loud gunshot] -[Dylan] Shit!
[microwave rumbles and dings]
Man, coming back to work after lunch is like having sex with your ex,
-that you know has an incurable STD, bro! -[laughs]
Every fiber in you knows that you shouldn't,
-but here we are again, drenched in sex sweat... -[grunts loudly]
...on our way back to the free clinic.
-[grunts loudly] -[chuckles] What the fuck...
-[loud grunting] -Shit...
Bros, come on!
It's simple. It's a thrust,
-calf raise, thrust, calf raise. -Oh, my God!
-There we go! [grunts] -[phone ringing]
[loud grunting]
-Yo, you hearing this guy? [laughter] -What's so funny, guys?
Come on. Chicks don't like sticks.
What, y'all see my live stream last night,
of me sharting on the squat rack?
-[Juan] Oh, my God! -I deleted it! What? No!
-Come on! -[all] Happy Birthday!
-[applauding] -Who wants cupcakes?
Wait! I never got a cake for my birthday.
-When was your birthday? -March 15th!
Maybe we missed March this year. When was it last year?
-Guys, let's take 87 seconds... -[emotional uplifting music]
...to honor our fallen comrade Will,
and the value he brought to DanRick.
Can we finish my birthday cupcakes first?
-Will... -[crying]
Yes, yes, we all should feel comfortable
shedding a tear or two for Will.
-He was a great man. -[crying continues]
A decent coa--
-[upbeat hip hop music] -Woo!
-[laughter] -Woo!
[panting]
Oh!
[Miles] Small bitch can run, man.
I'm not trying to be racist or anything, man, but...
couldn't you grab a gun? Aren't there a ton
-of shootings in South Central? -Oh, please.
You guys the ones always shooting up the schools.
-I kicked leaves, what did you do? -I pissed myself.
I was so scared.
[spiritual folk music]
[Miles] Man, you were crying like a fucking baby.
[Dylan] Of course I was, she had a gun in my face!
-You didn't fear for your life? -[man] Fear!
-Oh, shit! -False Evidence Appearing Real.
-Who are you? -He's with Mandy, bro. Come on!
-I don't belong to a Mandy. -You ain't hear those gunshots?
I heard your friend say he was scared.
I am here to clear my mind of the fear,
or False Evidence Appearing Real.
False? Those were real bullets!
Some people die from bullets, but most... die from living.
Come on, man. We don't have time to listen to his Socrates
and his forest philosophies. Come on--
Hey, man, let-- let's see what he has to say.
You know, he might have some water.
You got any water?
Drink.
Man, this that shit where, White people always curious.
[panting]
[owl hooting]
So, I have this new app that's supposed to launch tonight,
but we have this... glitch.
and I think it's because, we are all more afraid of making a mistake.
We focus so much on the success, that we don't allow ourselves
to fail gracefully.
Fear... False Evidence Appearing Real.
Exactly.
-What's the app? -It's called...
-"Clone." -[musical fanfare]
You can post tasks that you need to be done.
Qualified people bid on the task.
And you pick the person, at their cost.
Grocery shopping list, pick up kids from school,
work spreadsheets, sperm donations.
-Anything? -Anything.
Come to your house and cook dinner naked,
then clean up after? [blows excitedly]
Domestic categories.
-Find me a girlfriend? -Uh, long term?
Or for a brief encounter?
-Ooh! -[laughter]
-Hey, man. I'm feeling pretty good. -[sparkling chimes]
[chuckles] Dude, like, such a good vibe!
-[applauds] -Yeah. Yeah.
Awesome, right? [chuckles]
Wait, are you guys talking about my app, or about the peyote water?
Because, you never know what you're gonna get with that.
What the fuck?
[echoes] What the fuck?
-Relax, guys. -I've never done drugs in my life, man.
Oh, man! Oh, man! It feels like my soul
is gonna crack out of my chest plate!
Oh, wow, man! You guys need a distraction.
Loo-- look, zero in, man.
Say, do you guys know tech?
Okay, so my cloud server is having issues,
because of the memory that's allotted to it.
[upbeat Spanish pop music]
But if your core network is slowed with the inter-latent packet loss...
Then you have to reset the security model functions.
-Your problem isn't-- -Your problem isn't a--
-You go ahead. -Floor is yours.
It looks like it may be bogged down by a central server...
Where, with peer-to-peer compression, your data transfer
will be much more efficient.
It won't be cheap, but not only will it
fix the issue with the S.A.T. framework...
Your sustainability will improve an additional...
-five years. -Start a crowdfunding.
-35k will do. -Wow!
You guys are either tripping balls or geniuses.
[chuckles]
[bird squawks]
-Crap! -What?
-High peak! -Gotta go!
Wait, guys!
[uptempo rock music]
[pants] Oh shit.
-This way? -Yeah, that way.
Miles, I'm White. You got to slow it down!
Come on, man. Let's go!
[panting]
We're almost there, man. Come on!
[panting]
[Dylan] Oh, shit!
That bitch!
Agh! She blocked us in!
He shot our phones.
-What are we gonna do? -We're stuck.
[loud gunshot]
Ah, shit!
-[gun cocks] -Yes, Mandy. That's the spirit!
[loud gunshot]
Well, you're just full of will power.
-[chuckles] -[gun cocks]
[keys jangle]
[whimsical music]
[Dylan blows raspberry]
-What are you doing? -I saw it on a movie once.
It's an old school Uber.
You put your thumb up and a car picks you up.
-How does it work? -I imagine, the body puts out
some sort of cosmic beacon.
You're the secret to jacking off.
[engine rumbles]
-Kinetic energy! -[chuckles]
We don't have to pay him in blowjobs, do we?
[engine rumbles]
-We need to talk! -We need to talk!
Well, I'll let you guys get to it.
I hope I helped.
Hey, guys. Can I talk to you for a sec?
[engine rumbles]
[intense dubstep music]
[dramatic musical sting]
Are you fricking kidding me?
Rape, embezzlement, attempted murder!
-What? -What? What are you talking about?
We didn't try to rape Mandy! Ew!
No, you just tried to kill her!
-She tried to kill us! -Oh, sure.
She tried to run you over in her wheelchair.
Roadkill, right? Cool story, bro.
She was shooting at us!
And her legs aren't useless, bro.
They just pale! Look, just look.
-Oh, come on. What are you doing? -[man] No, Miles!
[people screaming]
[Dylan] No, no, no, no. No, really.
-What? -See!
[people screaming]
No, no, come on! Look, she stands! See! See!
[tense dramatic music]
That-- that's mierda!
-I just said it! -It's okay, Harry.
They don't call me "Handy Mandy" for nothing.
Dance...
-[man] Jesus Christ. -[Tyrone] You seeing this?
It's a diversion!
And the money you've been embezzling!
What you did to Shayne!
I wasn't even working here then!
Are you kidding me? Man, I don't date White girls!
I'm not racist, though, all right?
We were gonna promote one of you!
We trusted you guys and you repay us with slander?
Okay, okay. He didn't rape Shayne.
She set him up, to get me promoted.
-Well, that's a reach-around! -And the money wasn't stolen.
-Lonzo faked it to take him out of the running. -Hmm, no, bro.
-Leave me out of this one! -Oh... [chuckles]
What happened to good, old-fashioned hard work?
Fucking end this already!
Harry, this isn't even a company report.
These pictures are obviously photoshopped on Microsoft Paint.
There's no need to call the cops.
Uh-- I need to make a call.
-Hold, but she really tried to kill us, man! -Oh, sure.
I mean, you guys just admitted you're willing to break
all morality and principles for a job,
but now we're supposed to believe that...
the woman in the wheelchair, in the woods,
attempted to murder you?
[chuckles] You guys are more fucked than I am.
Oh, fuck me.
Let's make this easy.
-You're both fired. Leave the key fobs. -But-- but--
but what about the kids' size Voltrons?
What about my dad's house?
-I said, "Fired!" -But-- but come on!
[dramatic musical sting]
[Miles sighs]
[Dylan sighs]
-Congrats on staying alive. -[keys jangle]
Job's yours.
[indistinct chatter]
Congrats, Mandy.
My bad, G. Guess we took it a little too far, huh?
[chuckles] Right... Well, fuck them crack-ass crackers!
-Right? -'Zo, do me a favor.
Yeah, I got you, man. Anything.
Fuck off!
[uptempo hip hop music]
[scoffs] So fucking typical.
They had to go pull some bullshit Rooney Rule.
But you had real dick, Dylan.
You deserve that manipulative red dress.
[figurine rattles]
You know, I'd rather paper-slice my dick hole
and stick it in a tank full of piranhas,
than fuck with a racist bitch like you.
He is such a hung dick right now.
[soft moan]
[door creaks]
-Grab a beer? -I was gonna say shots.
But-- wait, wait, wait. The office closed early today?
No, they're having a little party.
What-- a party? Hey, and they best be
cleaning up after they self, too.
Why do you both have boxes? Who got the promotion?
Yeah, now y'all moving on up! [chuckles]
-No, we're moving on out. -Hmm?
What? No promotion?
No job.
Hey, Lainee.
Don't be afraid to be a kid for a little while.
Yeah, a long while.
Deuces, Ant.
-Fuck this place. -[elevator dings]
[soulful melancholic music]
[indistinct background chatter]
Oh, sorry, guys. This spot's actually reserved,
but I have another great spot free over by the bar.
[blows raspberry]
-[sighs] -Hey, dudes.
Usually I'll say a double, but you guys look like you need a triple.
Got you.
Profiling over here, because my boy's wearing a White tee.
-Can't get VIP? -Look, man.
I'm really sorry for everything.
I respect you for trying to save your pop's crib. I mean...
My sister is in real estate, I can hit her up for options?
I appreciate it, man, but I don't know how much
that's gonna do for me, with no money.
I'm sorry for you, too, man.
If I could help out those kids in any way, I would.
You didn't try to end my life today, man.
-It was that fake crippled bitch. -Mm-hmm.
-See, that's what's wrong with this country. -Mm-hmm.
-Scandalous people. -Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Ahh!
[coughs]
I mean, there's always freelance,
but I need a consistent paycheck.
-I hear that. -[chuckles]
Now, I live with a roommate who steals my shit
and sells it on eBay.
-Well, at least you have your own space. -[sighs]
Man, I still live in my parents' garage...
where they still park at, man!
-Another round! -Another round!
[glasses chink]
[uptempo techno music]
Come on. One, two, three!
Ahh!
Woo! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
-[groans] -Woo!
-We got a handy from Mandy. -[groans] Man!
I don't know what sucks more, us getting shafted,
or us losing to Mandy, man. I'm not a loser!
And I never lose!
I only have a found box, because I've never lost anything.
Oh, watch this.
I never had sex!
[laughter and jeering]
Because I didn't want to lose my virginity.
[both giggle]
[laughs]
We should open our own firm.
With no money, imagine that.
I'm trying to imagine how we're gonna pay these bills!
Uh, I'm playin the black card... [chuckles]
-Imagination is a state of being. -[sparkling chimes]
Man! You are everywhere!
-Wait, wait, wait, wait. Huh? -[chuckles]
-Are you a Clone app? -[all laugh]
-Drink, guys. -Huh?
-Enjoy! -Oh-- Oh.
-The drink. I know what you like to drink! -[laughter]
-Peyote. -[chuckles] It's my specialty.
But today we are celebrating.
-Huh? Huh? -Come on over, guys.
-You're a big part of the reason. -Okay.
[clears throat] Transfer their check to mine,
-double everything on this table. -Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-I want these guys passed out, in an hour? -Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-[chuckles] Come on. -Yes, yes. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go, free drinks, man! Come on, come on!
-Get your ass up, let's go drink beer. -[groans]
-[loud clanging] -Oh, shit! Sorry about that, ladies.
-Ha-ha! Oh-- oh! -I'm not sorry.
-Yep. -Hi, I'm Dylan!
["Bounce" by Don Lennon]
♪ Everybody bounce ♪
[laughter]
[music fades]
-So, the launch went great? -Well...
We didn't actually launch.
After I heard your recommendations,
I was feeling so good about the demo.
I made a couple of calls, and sold the app for 30 mil.
-[coughs] -[chuckles]
That deserves a salute!
-At least one of us made it out nice today, man. -[chuckles]
So, you guys were over there, talking about opening a firm.
-What type? -Software.
-Like we do now. -Well, if you are half as good
as that problem solving in the woods...
you're hired!
Specifically, what are you saying?
Because I'm very intoxicated.
I owe you guys.
I... will... invest...
In us?
Say in us, please say in us!
-In you. -[whimpers]
-[screams] Oh! -[screams] Yeah!
-Hoo-hoo! -Hey, Brandy,
have legal draft up contracts for these guys.
-[Brandy] Welcome aboard! -[chuckles]
So, you guys start thinking of names for the new company.
We're gonna need a leader, man.
-You're hired! -Oh, Dylan, man.
I need a strong co-lead by my side, man!
You hired, bro!
[Brandy] I think that deserves a toast!
-[laughter] -Congratulations!!!
-[all] Cheers! -[glasses chink]
-You're so pretty... [chuckles] -Thank you, stop!
All right. Cheers.
[giggles] Mmm!
[both giggle]
And I would have gotten away with it,
if it weren't for you, Captain White Dick,
and Black Panther Cock.
[rock music]
[regal music]
-[man 1] We know... -[man 2] What you've been doing...
-[man 1] ...On company... -[man 2] ...Time!
-[moans] -Say hi to mother Russia, Brendan!
-[Brendan] I can't-- I can't go! I c-- let go! No! -[indistinct shouting]
[man 1] Your stripes are running, because you're a faketriot!
-This is harassment! No! -[indistinct shouting]
-[copier whirring] -[scoffs]
[blows raspberry] Pshh!
Don't work up a sweat and get your back all wet.
What did you say, Ann Coulter wannabe?
[scoffs] You got a problem, ese?
-Yeah, Nazi snowflake. -Ugh!
-[hip hop music] -[rapping] ♪ Put her in a box put her in a box ♪
♪ Put her in a box put her in a box ♪
♪ And throw away the keys to the lock ♪
But, Harry!
[door slams]
Well, well, well.
-If it isn't my old pal, Handy Mandy. -[handcuffs jangle]
-Or should I say, Murder Mandy? -[gun cocks]
-How the fuck did you find me, Sanders? -Oh, it wasn't easy.
Some might even say, "Not so simple."
Those three men you decapitated in Tennessee.
The little old lady's hand you cut off.
Jackson Hole.
Seattle.
Houston, we have a problem.
-And finally-- -No, until finally,
I left behind a clue so obvious,
that even your blind ass couldn't miss it.
-Replacing Will's eyeballs with testicles? A little sloppy. -[chuckles]
Why stop, hmm? Why stop at 100 bodies?
Well, maybe I'm tired, Sanders?
Tired of all the blood and all the running, or...
you know, maybe I'm not!
-[loud gunshots] -Do you hear that?
No, no, no, no... Mmm... [inaudible]
Or maybe I just set your bitch-ass up.
-[dull thud] -[grunts]
I mean, don't flaunt it, if you're not gonna throw it.
-[hip hop music] -Will be getting it in!
Will be getting it in!
He don't play. I don't play.
That's just the way we live.
Will be getting it in!
W-- Will be getting it in!
He don't play. I don't play.
That's just the way we live.
That-- that's just the way we live.
[cuckooing]
[uptempo hip hop music]
-Bro, we're business partners now! -Bro!
Hey, man.
Now that we're business partners.
Can I say the N word?
Dude, you gave me the smallest room in your dad's crib!
At least there's no car there! And I'm gonna make
the biggest donation to those kids' tech thing.
All right, one free pass, yeah?
One free pass. All right?
What's up, my n--