(dramatic upbeat music)
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(soft sad music)
(suspenseful music) (indistinct voices chatter)
(music screeching) (indistinct voices chatter)
(water burbles) (bright upbeat music)
- (exclaims) I'm king of the world!
Oh shit! (thuds) (soft music)
- You moron.
(bright upbeat music)
- I king of world.
- I'm lord of the sea! (board clatters)
(water splashes)
(water burbles) (soft music)
- [Ed] (groans) Oh cold, cold, cold (groans).
(water splashes) (feet tread)
It's cold. (feet tread)
Hot tub, hot tub, hot tub. - Your king, has been slain.
Avenge me! - Hot tub!
(water splashes) - [Charlie] Avenge, avenge me!
Squire?
(upbeat music)
(water trickling) (upbeat music)
(water burbles)
- Why?
Why would you do that?
Why? (Charlie laughs)
(Ed groans)
- That was hilarious 'though. (laughs)
- [Ed] You're a joke. (soft upbeat music)
(water burbles) - What's that over...?
- What? (Ed groans)
(water splashes) (Charlie laughs)
(upbeat music)
- You're an asshole when you drink.
- I always drink.
- You're always an asshole.
- [Charlie] I'm much worse when I'm sober, I promise.
- [Ed] (groans) I do not wish that on anybody.
(upbeat music) (water burbles)
- [Charlie] Speaking of which, your king is out of booze.
So you know that means?
- What?
- It means, a quest!
- I'm going to bed. - [Charlie] No!
- Yeah. (water burbles)
- [Charlie] No you are,
we have been called by God, the almighty,
your precious Jesus on a sacred quest,
sanctum sanctorum, the holiest of holies,
the tabernacle itself.
Come on!
(Ed exclaims) (Charlie exclaims)
(drink fizzles)
One is B E D, (Ed giggles)
this is B A R, let's do it.
- (giggling) I'm going to bed, go get my clothes, please.
- My lord, you're at my house
and at my house is the king's castle,
my rules, you get my clothes.
- But you're here to make me feel better.
- But I am really cold,
and would you please go get my clothes?
Really cold? - I don't wanna get clothes,
go get the clothes.
- [Charlie] How about I entice you?
- What are you doing?
(groans) Get off me!
- [Charlie] I'm trying, to entice you squire!
- I'm enticed, I mean, get that off of me!
- [Charlie] Have fun! (water splashes)
Do you have a towel?
(soft music)
Hey, hey buddy?
Do you want something? - Stop.
- [Charlie] You're not feeling good?
- I'm feeling fine, just tired.
- I hope you feel better, what do you want?
What do you like?
You want a mojito?
- [Ed] No. - A Moscow mule?
- [Ed] Absolutely not. - A margarita?
- [Ed] No.
- [Charlie] Mexican breakfast, mint julep, Mumbai iced tea?
- You don't know how to make any of those.
- [Charlie] Would you know the difference?
- Water. (groans) - Okay, water.
Coming right... - Stop.
(object clatters)
You could probably use a water too.
- [Charlie] That's probably smart.
- [Ed] Where are you going?
- [Charlie] Water's in the kitchen.
- Ain't gonna let me go to sleep?
- [Charlie] Sleep is just practice for death, man,
(cupboard door creaks) don't embrace your weakness.
(clatters utensils) Come on, wake up!
- What are those for?
- [Charlie] For proper hydration.
- [Ed] Charlie.
- [Charlie] Rage against a dying inebriation.
- What are you saying?
- [Charlie] Don't sober up, it's the worst.
- [Ed] You never sober up.
- [Charlie] Well, if you're always drunk,
then you're never hung over,
I mean, that's just science, you know?
(drink splashing) (utensils clattering)
(soft music)
(feet tread)
(Charlie groans)
- What is that?
- [Charlie] Well, I need to keep you awake.
So, this is obviously an energy based drink,
but the problem is, is that I didn't have enough vodka,
so I added a little bit more, but then I added too much,
so I added a little bit more caffeine.
But I think now, this is the proper proportion,
but anyways, you might wanna drink this up real fast,
to get the best results.
- Oh no, it's not gonna happen.
- [Charlie] Come on man.
You're heartbroken and I promised I'd help you feel better.
- Mh mh. - [Charlie] Heartbroken,
not heartbroken, sad, happy,
sober and drunk.
You see the connection?
I'll make you feel better, come on.
(Ed groans)
I'm serious, (Ed groans)
No, seriously, (indistinct). - Okay, all right, stop.
- [Charlie] Take that hangover away, come on.
- (whispers) Fuck.
- [Charlie] Do not fall asleep on me.
- I don't wanna. (Charlie gulps)
(Ed and Charlie gulp)
(soft rock music) (insects chirping)
- (exclaims) Touchdown! (Ed and Charlie groan)
Get off me!
- Don't be a sore loser man. (screams)
(groans) Fuck you man.
- Fuck me?
Fuck you. (glass shatters)
(Ed and Charlie gasp) Holy, sh...
That was close.
(soft rock music)
- Yeah, sorry mom, do you need a refill?
- Yeah, you know it's pretty fucked up
that he keep her covered up like that, man.
- [Charlie] What?
- [Ed] She's your mom! - [Charlie] Shut up!
(soft rock music)
- [Ed] Seriously, seriously, seriously,
I'm not in the mood, I'm not in the...
(Ed and Charlie laugh) (shield and blade clatter)
- Off squire, you shall not take me off the path.
- (gasping) You're gonna kill yourself.
- I'm on my quest!
- (gasping) Don't, you're gonna kill yourself.
- No I'm not, I have the strength, a man of steel.
- Holy shit!
(soft rock music)
- (indistinct), a flesh wound.
- You almost cut a finger (indistinct).
- No, no, no, squire.
Squire, I have the medicine and knowledge to heal myself.
- You're gonna need stitches.
- Possessions yield (indistinct).
(drink trickling) (Charlie groans)
(Ed and Charlie groan)
(Charlie shouts indistinctly) - Stop, stop, stop!
(soft music) (crow caws)
(birds chirping) (insects chirping)
(Charlie whistling) (egg sizzles)
(utensils clatter)
(Ed groans)
(Ed speaks indistinctly)
(door clatters)
(Charlie whistling) (utensils clattering)
(egg sizzling) (utensils clattering)
(Ed groans)
(Ed coughs)
- [Charlie] How are you doing in there, buddy?
(Ed coughs)
Oh shit! (sings) (utensils clatter)
(fire crackling) (utensils clatter)
(Ed groans) (soft music)
(Ed coughs) (Ed groans)
(feet tread) (door knocks)
(fire extinguisher fizzles) (Ed speaks indistinctly)
No one's home, please leave a message.
(fire extinguisher fizzles) (door knocks)
(birds chirping) (groans) goddamnit.
(utensils clatter) (glass shatters)
(soft music)
(door clatters)
- [Duncan] Hey Charlie, pleasure to see you again.
- [Charlie] Oh, I don't remember an appointment.
- Probably because we don't have one, excuse me.
- [Charlie] No, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, just...
- Excuse me. - (giggling) What you doing?
You can't just come to my house...
Sit down, take a seat.
- I wish I could say, I was shocked to see
you still live under the illusion that this is your house.
- 'Cause it is my house.
- Your mother made her wishes very clear,
it's no longer your house,
and you're gonna have to vacate soon.
- My mother didn't know her head from her bosom,
so...(chuckles)
- Unfortunately, the court disagrees with you,
we need to go over a few items.
- [Ed] (groans) Charlie, what did I eat last night?
Duncan?
Hi, I did not know you were coming over.
- Yeah, good to see you again.
- Gimme one minute please. (feet tread)
- So what are you doing here?
- It's been eight months since your mother passed,
time's up, you need to get on with your life.
- Yeah, she delayed her death by like 200 years,
and you only giving me eight months?
- You need to watch your mouth.
That woman suffered because of her love for you.
- Oh yeah, believe me,
I know, she told me every single day.
- And I'm telling you,
you need to take contents in his house, which you still own
and self evict.
It's on the market and realtors will be here soon.
- (chuckles) She can't sell off my inheritance,
I mean, it's Christmas, or it was.
- (sighs) I know you're having trouble with this.
- Yes, you're damn right,
because she lived 20 years too long
and then she screws me out of my inheritance.
- She was trying to help you. (Charlie chuckles)
- This is a judgment, you understand what that means?
- No, (paper rustling)
can you bring me up to speed professor?
'Cause I left my J.D in my other pant's pockets.
So, I'm gonna need you to explain that to me.
- Remember the judge?
She was the one in the black robe, she gave me this.
It says, Charles, that's you,
needs to go bye bye, you get a check.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. (paper rustling)
I don't have time for this.
- [Ed] You leaving already?
- I'm getting a headache in here.
- Yeah, we had a bit of a good time last night.
- Mhm. (birds chirping)
- Walk me to my car?
- Yeah, go for a little track, have fun, have a blast.
Talk about whatever you want to, share your feelings,
everything, it'd be great.
- Relax, relax. (birds chirping)
(door slams)
(feet tread)
- [Ed] So, what brings you out here?
(birds chirping)
- The smell in there classifies as a health hazard.
- (sighs) I didn't notice, I've been in there all day.
- Ed? - What's wrong?
- Charlie hasn't responded to any of my phone calls,
texts, emails, letters.
- Well, what's going on?
- His mother didn't leave him the house, she left it to AA
and because they're selling it, he needs to get out.
- Oh. - By last month.
And if anybody from my firm saw the place like this,
Charlie'd be thousands of dollars in debt,
for diminished value, tens of thousands.
- It's not that bad.
- It needs to be fixed,
because he no longer owns this place.
He needs to accept that, this is disgusting.
He can't live like this and you're fricking helping him.
(birds chirping) - Get it.
- [Duncan] Good seeing you Edward.
- You too Duncan. (car alarm chimes)
You look good. (car door slams)
(soft music) (car engine revving)
(food sizzling) (utensils clattering)
Hey, did you know that--? - Man, that guy's a dick!
(utensils clattering)
- What happened? (utensils clattering)
How did you do this? (utensils clattering)
- [Charlie] Just a little fire, no biggie.
Anyways, what are you doing?
What's on the schedule for tonight?
(food sizzling)
- Are you cooking food?
- Yeah, smells great, huh? (utensils clatter)
(Ed speaks indistinctly) (food sizzling)
(Ed groans) (Ed coughs)
Amateur. (whistles) (Ed groans)
(Ed coughs) (Ed groans)
(Ed sighs)
(birds chirping)
(soft music)
(Ed sighs)
- Charlie?
What the fuck man?
How did this? (sighs)
(objects clatter)
(game soundtrack playing)
- [Charlie] Finally, I'm almost done with this level,
you wanna join me?
- Hey, you thought about what Duncan said?
- No, that really wasn't on my to-do list,
until later this week.
- I do not have enough energy to sit down.
- (groans) I can't help you there.
- But my body is too tired to keep standing.
- [Charlie] Have you ever tried squatting?
It's really big in Asia. (game soundtrack playing)
- Wait, how are you still fun?
- (exclaims) You moron!
See, God, that's why the world's falling apart,
people can't drive.
- (groans) And what happened last night?
- Well, it involved fireworks, a pool, you cried a lot.
We got into a fight with a pizza delivery dispatcher,
oh, and then you got on a unicycle
and you pulled these chainsaws out of the woods
and started juggling them and saying,
"I am king of the bears, sister!". (laughs)
- Did I embarrass myself?
- [Charlie] (laughs) Yes. (grunts)
- Did I cry about my ex?
- (laughs) I mean, no more than usual.
- How do you remember so much more than I do?
- [Charlie] Spirit genetic son!
- [Ed] You know this food,
looks both delicious and disgusting.
My body is so upset, I am never drinking again.
- [Charlie] Yeah, I remember when I used to say that,
I was 12 at the time, you'll grow up little puppy.
- What'd you do to your hand?
- Oh, it's just a flesh flute.
- [Ed] Are you, are you still drunk?
- [Charlie] Ah, it's an inside joke, don't worry about it.
- [Ed] Seriously, you can hardly hold the controller.
- I stabbed my finger,
you know, it was an accident, I'm an adult.
- [Ed] That happened last night?
- [Charlie] Geez, mom, why are you all up in my jet?
God! (feet tread)
- [Ed] So, did you hurt your hand before
or after I went to bed?
- Oh my God, geez, mom.
Would you stop cramping my style?
- I'm just trying... - Why you trying
to be all sneaky, sneaky creeper, stalker like?
- [Ed] All right, all right.
Just let me see your hand please?
- Oh, oh, daddy, (indistinct) long time, huh?
- (chuckles) All right, okay, okay.
I'm just trying to figure out what happened, Charlie.
- Lemme ask you something,
do you remember a few weeks ago,
when I had to do a huge favor
and dodged you to stop talking to your ex?
'Cause I would love for you to do that for me right now,
- Do what for you? - Stop talking.
(Blender buzzes)
- How are you so okay?
It's like you didn't even drink.
- What? (blender buzzes)
(Charlie groans)
Oh, perfect timing.
Now, what were your concerns, my friend?
- I'm just trying to figure it out Charlie.
- You know what?
We're almost out of booze.
So what I'm thinking is, we are gonna go get some,
and I'm gonna go shower, I'll be back.
(shower water splashes)
(bottle clatters)
(Charlie groans)
(shower door rattling)
No. (shower door rattling)
Oh come... (shower water splashes)
Ed?
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
(soft music)
(suspenseful music)
- Okay. (paper rustling)
(bottles clatter)
(shelves clatter)
(bottles clatter)
(shower water slashes)
(bottles clatter) (suspenseful music)
(drinks glug)
(bottles clatter)
(soft music)
(bottles clatter)
(shower water splashes) (Charlie humming)
(cupboard door creaks)
(suspenseful music)
(bottles clatter)
(drinks glug)
(cupboard door creaks)
(suspenseful music)
(shower water splashes)
(suspenseful music)
- Hey, what'd you do?
Fall in?
- You're not my mum. (shower water splashes)
(Charlie humming) (suspenseful music)
(bottles clatter)
(suspenseful music)
(bottles clatter)
(drink glugs)
- Wo, wo, what you doing?
- I'm just finishing up. (bottles clatter)
- What you doing? - I'm just, I'm finishing...
Why don't you just take a seat?
- No, I don't wanna take a seat.
(bottles clatter)
Why are you stealing my shit?
- I am not stealing anything, just calm down.
- I am calm, I'm not, not even that mad.
It's not like, you're not gonna pay me back.
I'm just wondering, what gives you the right to do this?
- Because I'm your friend?
- (chuckles) My friend?
What, you had such a terrible hangover,
that the mere thought of booze made you sick,
so you had to throw all mine away?
- No, this is an intervention.
- You think you have a right to give me an intervention?
- [Ed] Well, no one else is, and you need one.
- [Charlie] Why now?
Why not years ago?
Few months ago, weeks?
I don't know.
- [Ed] Because you weren't safe last night
and this has cost you jobs, girlfriends, friends,
and now, a home.
- [Charlie] No, you being fucking ridiculous.
I drank because I lost my jobs,
because I lost my girlfriends, because...
And you remember how much of a controlling bitch
my sweet dear, wonderful mother was!
- This place is worth millions,
isn't that worth your sobriety?
- No, well, it's too late for that.
- (chuckles) Okay, what about our friendship?
- Don't be ridiculous.
- [Ed] Oh, I think that pretty much proves
that you're an alcoholic.
- [Charlie] Alcoholic?
No, that proves that I don't like you very much.
Which one of us is so obsessed with fucking sky daddy
and his little baby Jesus,
just because you can't maintain a relationship.
Which one of us is miserable?
Miserably, pining over some boy,
who doesn't even remember your fucking name?
(sad music)
I'll stop drinking, when you stop going to church
or, you know at least I'll pour out
a bottle of champagne in homage.
- [Ed] This isn't over Charlie.
- [Charlie] So you think I need to stop drinking,
and you think you're the one who's gonna do that?
- [Ed] No, I've seen, that you need to stop drinking
and someone needs to help you do that.
- So you've been reading them AA pamphlets?
- Yeah, I Googled around.
- Googled. - [Ed] Mhm.
- Do you know what the definition of addiction is?
- No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
- Addiction, is the inability to stop a chronic behavior,
despite adverse consequences.
Adverse means bad me.
Me, I'm happy when I drink, and when I'm sober, I'm sad.
You, when you start dating you're just sad,
because you're so pathetic and lonely,
no one even wants to be near you, but you keep trying.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again,
expecting different results.
And I'm happy, what about you?
- [Ed] Look, I'm just trying to help,
you don't need to be a dick.
- [Charlie] Oh, this is help, this isn't helping me.
This is you being so upset,
because you lost another boyfriend
and you're pushing down all of your problems on me,
just to distract from your own pathetic life.
- Okay, well you can say whatever you want,
but you're not leaving till I've detoxed you.
- How do you, how do you even think
that's gonna possibly work?
You don't think I'll out maneuver you?
- Do you know what friendship is?
It's sacrifice, and I don't know how this is gonna end,
but I want you to be fucking healthy.
- (groans) Yours is the patois of pathetic,
the preamble of the petulant,
the protestations of the (indistinct).
- [Ed] You know what?
None of those words telling me that I'm wrong.
- [Charlie] Yeah, you're wrong.
- [Ed] All right, well, then prove it.
Spend a week here with me sober,
if you prove me wrong, I'll never mention it again.
- I have no reason to do that.
- You're on winter vacation,
I own my own business, we're closed.
I got all the time in the world, prove me wrong.
- Why would I care to do that?
- (chuckles) 'Cause nothing,
nothing makes you happier than proving me wrong.
- I don't even like you enough,
to even wanna prove you wrong.
- We both know that's not true.
- And anyway, aren't you supposed to wait until,
I've hit rock bottom?
We're not there yet.
- Yeah, well, I'm getting tired of waiting,
so rock bottom's coming to you pal.
- I'm not kidding,
this whole God fetish thing just freaks me out.
You stop praying, is when I stop drinking.
- (groans) You're so manically addicted,
that you can't even stay in the same topic.
- [Charlie] You're literally addicted
to the opiates of the masses.
- Can't believe that I let you find out about that.
- You talked to a bearded man in the sky, it's no big deal.
- You don't even really have a choice
in the matter. (chuckles) - [Charlie] Excuse me?
- Oh, you don't remember that?
You don't remember yesterday, that's a shocker.
You threw your phone in the pool, (sniffles) mine's hidden
and the nearest store is about 15 miles away.
- So you're illegally kidnapping me?
- (chuckles) Oh, I'm legally detoxing you.
- All right.
All right, fine, I drink too much.
I'm not an alcoholic. - Okay.
- You think you're gonna keep me here,
well then, game on sister.
(seat rustling)
- You want some water?
Nice.
(suspenseful music) (birds chirping)
(feet treading)
(drink fizzles) (teeth chattering)
(feet treading)
(bottles clattering)
(clothes rustling)
(feet treading)
(tools clattering)
- Okay, all right, cool, okay.
I'm sorry, sorry about what I said about, about you.
It doesn't give you a right to take my alcohol
and throw it all away but, I'm sorry.
- [Ed] Okay. (tools clatter)
- It's just that, that was $500 worth of booze.
(Ed chuckles) (tools clattering)
What do you don't think it was that much?
- [Ed] Oh, I think the liquor and the pool house was,
but you're doing a terrible job of adding up
the rest of the house.
- Are you kidding me?
- [Ed] Hey, do you wanna fight?
- How much did you take?
- (sighs) Are we gonna fight
or can I get back to work please?
- [Charlie] Do you know the worst type of people
on this planet?
- [Ed] Oh I cannot wait to find out.
- People who recline their airline seats,
people who don't pick up the shit
after their fucking (indistinct)
and people who try to tell me how to live my life.
- [Ed] Well, I guess that makes me the worst then.
- What you doing to my truck?
- [Ed] I'm changing the oil.
- (sighs) Thank you.
- (sighs) Answer the question?
- We're friends, we're friends
and my mood is not dependent on alcohol,
so no, we're not gonna fight.
- Okay, then. (clothes rustling)
- (sighs) How much did you take?
- [Ed] How much of what? - Alcohol Ed?
- [Ed] None. - [Charlie] Really?
(chuckles) (Charlie speaks indistinctly)
Where is it?
(tools clattering)
- [Ed] I didn't take any, but I guesstimate
that I threw out roughly all of it.
(tools clattering)
(suspenseful music) (tools clattering)
(objects clattering)
(Charlie groans)
(suspenseful music)
(bottles shatter)
- Hey, you didn't even get half of my booze.
- You're shaking, I got all of it.
- No, I've got alcohol hidden all throughout the house,
so you didn't have time to search for a third of it.
- Yeah, except for the fact that
I've been coming here for years
and you had no reason to hide the drinking.
All I had to do was look in the obvious forts.
- What the hell are you doing to my truck?
- Changing the filters?
- (shivering) Thank you. (panting)
(suspenseful music) (tools clattering)
(Charlie groans)
(drink trickles)
(drink fizzles) (Charlie giggles)
(feet tread) (drink fizzles)
(Charlie groans) Fuck!
All right, challenge, challenge accepted.
- [Ed] Glad to hear it. (tools clattering)
- What are the stakes?
- I just want you to stop drinking.
- That's it?
- That's it. (tools clattering)
- Fine, I'm stronger than you are.
- [Ed] Certainly hope so.
(suspenseful music)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly) (drink fizzles)
(suspenseful music)
- Fuck, fuck!
(drink burbles) (dramatic music)
(suspenseful music)
All right, changing my mind. (panting)
- (sighs) No surprise there.
- Where are the keys?
- To the truck?
- I am really trying hard to be patient with you right now.
- In the ignition.
- Thank you, thank you.
I'm going to the store to grab a six pack.
Do you need anything? - No.
- Do you need a cold soda? - No, all right, all right.
I'll wait, I'll wait then. - Some bananas,
something thank you.
Finally, something's fucking going my way.
(car door slams)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
- Did you figure it out trucks work?
- No, I didn't forget, I didn't forget how a truck works.
Can you please just help me out?
I'm inside already, you're already outside,
please? - Yeah, all right, all right,
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
- [Charlie] Thank you so much. (sighs)
(Charlie whimpers)
- Have a safe trip, see you soon.
- Thank you.
And I understand what you were trying to do was to help me,
but this is definitely above your pay grade. (panting)
(keys rattling) - Okay.
(suspenseful music) - No, no. (sniffles)
(keys rattling)
You did not change the oil.
- I did.
- Then why won't it fucking start?
- I also took apart the engine.
(Charlie exclaims)
Fuck, fuck!
Fuck it, goddamnit!
You son of a, son of a bitch!
Fuck!
Fuck it!
God...Shit!
(suspenseful music)
(Charlie groans)
Goddamnit!
Fuck!
(Charlie pants)
(fire crackles) (feet treading)
This is so stupid.
- Fire's good for the soul.
- Not the fire dumb ass.
- Suit yourself.
- Seriously, a beer wouldn't kill me right now.
- I am starting to hope that I would.
- Just, just take the pain away.
- [Ed] Look, you're anxious, that's normal.
I'm just trying to help you relax,
bad stuff won't start till tomorrow.
- [Charlie] Yeah right, (indistinct) chance in hell.
- [Ed] I'm not giving up on this, Charlie.
- [Charlie] Oh, that worked out great
with your ex didn't it?
(insects chirping) (birds chirping)
(feet treading)
(soft music)
(drink glugs)
(bottle clatters)
(Charlie sighs) (clothes rustling)
(Ed snoring)
(whispers) Ed, Ed. (Ed snoring)
(clothes rustling)
(Ed snoring)
(objects clattering) (Ed snoring)
(ladder clatters) Damn it!
- You having a hard time sleeping?
- No, I'm looking for headphones, you snore like a hippo.
- How many hippos have you slept with?
- [Charlie] Don't ask. - Get back to bed.
- I can't asshole, I'm not feeling too hot.
- You know the cure for that?
- [Charlie] I'm looking for the cure.
- It's not the cure I was talking about.
- [Charlie] Oh, were you talking about God?
- [Ed] I could have. - You amaze me.
- (sighs) Thank you.
- Not a compliment.
- You won't find any booze.
- Oh, I'll find booze before you find God.
- Game on.
- Seriously, you talked to a man in the sky,
but me having a drink on earth, is a problem.
- Do you know what the difference between us is?
- About 25 pounds and 75 IQ points.
- (sighs) If 10 years ago, we both saw a man flying.
- Aha.
- I'm serious, this is a story.
- I'm listening.
- Do you want some soda water?
- 10 years ago, we saw a hallucination of a guy flying.
- The difference is, if we both saw man flying,
I'd still believe it and you'd have rationalized it away.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're glad that you're lying to yourself?
- Yes, because men don't fly.
- To you.
I felt God once Charlie, that was enough for me.
- I did too,
but my incarnation of God was a bottle of JW Blue.
- No, you feel it every time you drink
or at least you're searching for it.
I don't, I accept what it was
and that I was gifted to feel God's hand.
And I'm okay living without that feeling,
because I don't have to force myself
to pretend it wasn't there.
- Oh you're a regular Mother Teresa.
- (chuckles) Do you wanna pray with me?
- I wanna drink, I'm shaking,
I'm shivering, I could be dying,
you know some people die from withdrawal?
- Oh, so this is a withdrawal?
- No, I'm not, I'm not an alcoholic.
My body is dependent on alcohol,
like yours is dependent on caffeine.
It doesn't make me an addict,
it just means that you're toying with my physiology.
- Okay.
- (shouting) I am not an alcoholic!
- I believe you.
- Stop me from feeling like that.
- [Ed] You're killing yourself, I'm saving you.
- I've decided I don't have any desire to live like this.
- [Ed] You will, I'm giving you your sight back
and that hurts, I know it hurts Charlie,
but you're going to thank me.
- I'm more than likely gonna kill you.
- [Ed] Okay, I know you're in pain.
- Seriously, do you have any idea
how difficult it is to feel different from everyone else,
and not be special?
To just embrace your uniqueness?
To realize you have nothing to offer,
no talent worth your quirks, (sniffles)
nothing to mitigate the fact that you're just abnormal,
a Darwinian failure
and you don't even have anything to offer for it?
I don't wanna live a normal life
and I'm not capable of living an extraordinary one,
I teach math at community college.
- [Ed] I don't want you to live a short life
and deep down, neither do you.
- [Charlie] Yes, I do.
A sober life is a mundane life,
a life of grasping at caffeine
and gods and sex and toys to stay awake,
a life of submitting to the mundane and the supernatural.
Discussing paradox by the way,
it's a submission to the supernatural and the mundane,
to just slog through this phases of festive world
we parasitically inhabit.
'Cause I was happy yesterday,
where I (indistinct), but I'm happy
and you're just making me healthy and miserable.
What sorta hell demon are you?
- [Ed] This is going to be good for you, I promise,
you're gonna thank me.
- You already bet our friendship,
(indistinct) you're coming damn close to bet my life on it.
- You'd rather die than be sober?
- [Charlie] I'd rather have not been born,
but your God didn't give me a choice in that matter,
so yes, I'd rather speed up the trip to hell down below,
than soberly zombie through this life here applebaum.
- [Ed] I see a world where you're happy and sober.
You don't think you want it,
but I'm telling you that you do.
- Come on, you're wrong.
I'm smarter than you and I know you're wrong,
but you tricked me, and so now you're stronger than I am,
but you're torturing me.
I'm gonna be sober and miserable and then dead,
and that's on your soul Moses.
- Where are you going?
- [Charlie] To (indistinct)?
(Charlie groans) (soft music)
(Charlie pants)
(Charlie groans)
(window squeaks)
(Charlie thuds)
(insects chirping)
(Charlie panting)
(door creaks)
(Charlie panting)
(feet treading) (Charlie panting)
Fuck it, goddamnit!
Fuck!
(bottle shatters) Shit!
(Charlie gulps) (Charlie pants)
(bottle shatters) (Charlie panting)
(drink fizzles)
I don't really think you understand it,
you know I'm like,
on my best days, I'm really difficult (sighs) to handle.
- Yeah, I don't need to understand anything.
- No, you do, I could be mean (panting)
and I'm not just saying mean,
I'm talking about fucking vicious.
You know me on, you know me when I'm at my worst.
- Yeah.
- Or you think you do, but you don't.
'Cause once you take this away from me,
I, (panting) just un...
just a straight unholy terror, on you.
But it's not because...
It's not because I...
It's not because I hate you or anything.
It's, it's, you know, I think you're pretty swell,
I think you're decent. - Thanks.
- You're great, but I just don't wanna say anything,
that that could make you, that can make you run away,
just you know, disappear forever, you know?
- Not bothered.
- Do you understand how difficult I can be?
I think I'm charming,
I think I am just the funniest fucking person on the planet,
but you know Ed, I will fucking destroy you (sighs) is...
- You're being dramatic. - No, I'm not being dramatic.
I've just really tried,
I'm trying to hit it at home to you Ed,
and you're really not understanding it but...
- [Ed] No, what you're doing is you're trying to get a drink
and you're not gonna get one.
- [Charlie] No, I'm, I'm, I'm talking about
the immediate situation at hand.
That's what I'm worried about
and I'm a little stressed out
and I just need something to take the edge off.
That's it!
But I don't want to say something
that's gonna fucking hurt you.
(Charlie yells)
Come on, do you wanna hear things like faggot?
(dramatic music) Queer, cock sucker?
Do you want me to keep going?
Jesus freak. (fists crackle)
Faggot, faggot, faggot!
Do you want me to bring that up like the Catholic church?
How God is just nothing but a fucking disappointment?
(dramatic music)
You're talking to some invisible man,
this guy who doesn't even fucking listen
to what you fucking saying. (sniffles)
Huh?
- All right, let's go.
- [Charlie] Where are we going?
What are we doing?
I'm game I'm down, come on.
- [Ed] All right, it's... - [Charlie] Let's go, buddy.
Let's go, I just...
- [Ed] Let's sweat it outta ya.
- What are we sweating out?
Are we gonna run laps?
- [Ed] No, I was thinking something a little more primal.
(game soundtrack playing)
- Ed!
Started hallucinating, I see your twin, (indistinct).
- Let's go play paintball.
- That is almost as bad an idea as playing Russian.
- [Ed] The adrenaline will help with the detox.
- [Charlie] The only thing I needed detox from,
is your crushing pathetic personality.
- Come on, stop playing your life away.
Let's go outside, find some guns and masks in the garage.
- Cool, yeah.
I remember when I was 12...
It was back when I was 12.
- And we had fun, you need to be distracted.
- All I need to be distracted from, is you.
Can you please leave and let me sleep?
- All right, have it your way.
(soft music)
(drink trickles)
(liquid trickles) (Charlie exclaims)
- [Charlie] What the hell?
- [Ed] Come and get me. (feet tread)
- Where are you asshole run,
God where are my shoes?
(clothes rustling) (birds chirping)
All right. (pants)
Son of a bitch. (chair clatters)
(paintball gun pops)
I'm not playing! (feet tread)
I hope you have a good hiding spot.
Coming to get you.
(paintball gun pops) (birds chirping)
I'm really tired and man, I can still kick your ass
but, I mean like not right now man.
(feet tread) (Charlie panting)
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.
(groans) Son of a bitch!
(paintball gun pops)
(screams) Ed, you did that on purpose.
(feet tread) (Charlie panting)
I didn't mean to yell, I didn't mean it.
(birds chirping)
(feet tread)
(paintball gun pops)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. (leaves rustling)
(birds chirping)
You need to work on your aim, you missed!
(birds chirping)
(feet tread) (leaves rustling)
We've been friends for 20 years Ed, now you are free man.
(birds chirping) (leaves rustling)
Ed, I have (indistinct) so hard for this,
I'm not feeling well, Ed.
(leaves rustling)
(feet tread)
Where are you? (paintball gun pops)
Shit, you crazy bastard!
Hey man, I'm here, I'm trying to detox.
What is wrong with you?
Come on!
I'm here!
I got no mask on!
Woo whoo, you win!
Congratufuckyoulations you won, you win. (laughs)
(birds chirping)
We're going home. (feet tread)
Fuck it!
You be out here by yourself, I'll be in the house,
doing something more useful and much more fun.
This, (indistinct). (birds chirping)
(clothes rustling) (feet tread)
- (pants) Did he really just leave? (sighs)
(feet tread)
(birds chirping)
(feet tread)
(leaves rustling)
(paintball gun pops) (Ed groans)
- [Ed] (exclaims) Stop, stop, stop, stop,
no, no, no, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop.
- [Charlie] I got you crazy detoxy motherfucker!
(paintball gun pops)
- [Ed] Stop, stop, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop, stop!
(Charlie thuds)
- (panting) I beat you, don't you for once ever think
that you can beat me. (chuckles)
(paintball gun pops) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
sorry, sorry. (paintball gun pops)
- [Ed] (panting) We done? (leaves rustling)
(birds chirping)
- [Charlie] You know, some days you just wish your mom
woulda aborted you, you know?
(paintball gun pops) Oh, fuck, come on!
(leaves rustling) (feet treading)
Son of a bitch!
(Ed and Charlie thud) (water splashes)
(Ed and Charlie groan)
(birds chirping)
I'm too smart to have a drinking problem.
- [Ed] Oh, how predictable of you?
- Yeah, but if I did.
- Which you don't.
- [Charlie] Right, but if I did,
I'd be thanking you for all of the wonderful hard work
you've been doing for me,
doing what you think is best for my health.
- [Ed] Yeah. - That's what I'd be doing.
- [Ed] But you don't so,
what I'm doing is just a waste of time.
- [Charlie] Right, exactly.
- Glad we cleared that up.
- Well, that didn't really...
It didn't really accomplish anything, did it?
- Nope.
- [Charlie] All right, have you heard of Godel?
- Ah, he's a composer.
- [Charlie] What, no.
- Mh, then yes.
- [Charlie] Okay, well you've heard of Einstein?
- The bagel maker?
- [Charlie] Yeah, right.
Anyway, Kurt Godel was a friend of mine,
(indistinct) German guy left with a Nazi,
started acting like assholes.
- You know, I kinda wish I can leave right now.
- [Charlie] He created the most brilliant proof
of the existence of God ever, pure logic.
- [Ed] Oh, and that didn't convince you?
That's a shocker.
- Can't understand, it's way over my head.
- (chuckles) You're a collegiate math professor.
- [Charlie] Exactly, but that's not the point.
- [Ed] Please, please get to it.
- [Charlie] Okay, well,
these two carrots, these are parallel lines.
You know what that means?
- You know, I never understood the term mansplaining,
until I met you.
- I don't mansplain because I'm a man,
I mansplain because,
almost everyone I meet is a fucking idiot,
and I'm just operating on past experiences.
- I know what parallel lines are.
- [Charlie] Okay, and parallel lines never intersect.
Euclid told us that, but we can't prove it.
- Sure, we can.
- Have you gone into the infinity and checked?
- No, but-- - Yeah, but common sense
isn't a proof, a proof is the mathematical demonstration
of the infinite certainty of a claim.
- And you can't just prove
that parallel lines never intersect,
even though that's their definition?
- [Charlie] That's trippy, right?
Right, all the geometry is based on the number of rules
that Euclid called axiom.
The rules that we know to be true, but we can't prove.
- [Ed] Hmm, I'm starting to see
why your students like you so much.
- (chuckles) They only liked me
because I buy all the underage ones booze,
when they finish their homework.
- Take back any nice thing I ever said about you.
- [Charlie] Here is the point,
all the mathematics is based on the assumption
that parallel lines never intersect.
Euclid taught us that,
even though we don't actually know that.
- Honestly, you're not changing my day-to-day life here.
- [Charlie] But this will, thousand years later,
this guy Godel, Einstein's friend had an idea.
What if we take something that we know to be false,
like parallel lines will one day intersect
and we base our mathematics on that?
- It sounds like a really good way
to make an engine that doesn't work.
- [Charlie] Exactly, if you try to build something
off of false premises, they won't work, except they did,
that's how quantum computing was invented.
Assuming something that's false was actually true.
Case and my point is this, I'm not an alcoholic,
never was, never will be.
But for the sake of this experiment, and our friendship.
- Which doesn't mean anything.
- Right, exactly,
but because it matters a little,
let's pretend that I do have a problem with alcohol
and I'll stay sober for the next few days.
- Weeks. - Okay, whatever.
Just long enough to prove to you that I don't need it.
If I can stay sober for a week.
- Two weeks.
- Fine, if I can stay sober for two weeks
and it won't cause a problem at all, you'll back off?
- If you can stay sober for two weeks,
I will buy you a thousand dollar bottle of gin.
- Well, see there?
Math does a wonderful thing.
- Have you ever detoxed before?
- I've only ever been drunk once.
- Well, I saw a movie about it once and get ready.
Detox is not fun.
You're coming up on 48 hours
and that's when it gets really bad.
- Well, I mean, I'm tough and I'm smart,
I'm not dead yet, I can handle it.
- I certainly hope so.
(plate thuds)
(Charlie panting)
- Eat it.
- But I'm, I'm not hungry.
- You need the nutrients.
- [Charlie] So you made a pizza?
- It's a veggie pizza. (Charlie sighs)
- I'm trembling so much, I can't eat.
I'm sweating in my mouth too, it's funny.
I just really need a beer.
- [Ed] You're literally sitting
right next to a gallon of water.
- [Charlie] (groans) That's so much trouble.
- [Ed] Oh no, we should probably stop then, huh?
- [Charlie] (chuckles) Really getting sick of your attitude.
- I don't care.
- You don't care that you're stuck babysitting me
when he could be out there on a Saturday night,
with someone else?
- Nope. - That's good.
- Eat, it'll lessen the symptoms.
- [Charlie] Oh really, doctor?
- [Ed] I Googled it.
Do you... (sighs)
Do you really think he's out there with someone else?
- (sighs) Just saw it on a story.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, this was some like big dude.
- [Ed] Where, when?
- [Charlie] No, dude, I was joking just... (groans)
- Stomach pains.
- [Charlie] Oh brilliant deduction
and the least you could do is, be hell for me.
- [Ed] This is me helping you.
- (sighs) I hate to see when you're hurting me.
- [Ed] Would you rather, I go with hugs and kisses.
No, I'm speaking to you in your language.
(soft music) (Charlie whimpers)
- I had my first drink when I was eight years old,
my parents were fighting,
they were fighting because, 'cause of me.
They saw my broken face, (whimpers)
but I was sitting there watching them argue
and...
they were talking about, you know,
who should have been watching me (whimpers)
and, my mom
convinces my dad, starts telling him,
you know, you just take him outside,
just take him outside, take him outside.
So he takes me outside.
We finally get to my, my room (whimpers)
and he just looks at me
and he hits me in the stomach as hard as he can.
I literally threw up on the floor
and he freaked out, he panicked.
He was um... (whimpers)
he was trying to quiet me down
and, and get me, get me to help him clean it up.
(Charlie whimpers)
I mean, I know he didn't, he didn't really,
he was just the angry with...
He didn't really mean to do that.
But I just felt, I knew that they were,
they were fighting because my dad was cheating on my mom.
I just felt so bad for it,
so I was glad that she divorced him,
but, he's still my dad and I still miss him
and you know, loved each other, and they loved me.
They just weren't right. (whimpers)
(Charlie sighs)
Well, just something about that night,
it just really, really stuck with me.
I just, that was the first time I ever felt powerless
and you know, I snuck downstairs
and, I went into the 'frigerator
and I grabbed a beer and I didn't know any better.
I just thought, you know, it was a soda,
I just wanted to do something different.
I just wanted to be bad for once, you know?
Irregardless, that's what happened.
- We're gonna get you better. (Charlie sniffles)
- I just wanna go to sleep. (sniffles)
- Okay, I'm gonna go downstairs,
I'll be waiting.
(clothes rustling)
(Charlie whimpers)
(soft music)
(door creaks) (soft music)
(suspenseful music)
(Charlie panting)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
(objects clattering)
- Ah (indistinct) alcohol. (suspenseful music)
(Charlie gulps)
(Charlie coughs)
(Charlie groans)
(bottle clatters) (Charlie groans)
- [Ed] Charlie, I thought you said you were going to sleep.
(Charlie groans)
(door creaks) (Charlie whimpers)
(exclaims) What the hell did you do?
(Charlie whimpers)
You idiot, you just got halfway through detoxing,
now we're gonna have to start over.
(Charlie speaks indistinctly) Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, do I need to call an ambulance?
Do I need to call an ambulance?
How much did you drink?
(Charlie groans)
Do you have any ipecac?
- No.
- Look, you need to puke.
- If only there was some drug I could take (indistinct).
(Charlie chuckles)
- (panting) I'm not giving you any booze.
- So you do have some? (panting)
- No, (Charlie panting)
sleep it off asshole. (Charlie whimpers)
Let's go get you some more clothes.
(Ed sighs) (Charlie whimpers)
(insects chirping) (Charlie groans)
(Charlie tapping nervously)
Charlie, shut up!
- I can't. - [Ed] Try, I'm tired.
Going somewhere?
- I'm leaving.
- [Ed] Okay.
- Shoulda parked the car, right?
- [Ed] Yup.
- I shoulda got the keys to the ATVs.
(clothes rustling) (feet tread)
(insects chirping)
(car parts rustling)
Come on baby, don't do this to me.
(car parts rustling) Fuck!
Why won't you start you stupid son of a bitch?
Fuck! (Ed groans)
What the shit does that mean?
I don't knows any fuel something,
what the hell did he do to it?
(car parts rustling) Goddamnit!
(utensils clattering)
- You doing all right in there?
(Charlie panting)
- Die a slow death faggot!
(objects clattering) (Ed sighs)
(insects chirping)
(door lock clattering)
(door creaks)
(Ed sighs)
(bicycle creaks)
(Charlie thuds) (feet tread)
(leaves rustling)
(drink glugs)
(soft music)
(insects chirping) (feet tread)
(glass shatters) (soft music)
(suspenseful music)
(car engine roars)
(suspenseful music)
(car engine roaring)
(suspenseful music)
(Charlie wails) (car engine roaring)
(feet treading)
(Charlie cries)
- Okay, okay, it's okay. (Charlie sobs)
It's okay.
- [Charlie] I'm sorry mummy, (sobs), I'm sorry mum.
- [Ed] Sorry Charlie. (Charlie wails)
(camera clicks) (Charlie wails)
- Come on, let's get you up.
Come on, let's get you outta here.
(Charlie wails)
Come on, just gotta get up. (Charlie wails)
No, no, it's okay, it's okay, (Charlie wails)
Charlie it's okay, Charlie it's fine.
Charlie please, come on, come on, come on, it's okay.
(Charlie wails) It's okay.
(Charlie wails) It's okay, it's okay.
(Charlie wails)
Come on, come on, we gotta get home, let's go.
(Charlie wails)
It's okay, it's gonna be all right.
(Charlie wails) (feet tread)
Let's go home. (feet tread)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
- [Charlie] I have nothing.
- You have me, it's okay, you have me.
- I'm better myself and I've done really poorly.
- Just let me help-- - No leave me alone!
(Charlie whimpers)
- I brought you a jacket.
- I'm not cold, I'm not cold.
- [Ed] Let's go back.
- [Charlie] I can't.
- Yes you can.
- (indistinct) but it's getting smaller,
it's eating itself, it's getting smaller (indistinct).
It's hot, it's cold,
I don't know what's going on, (whimpers)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
- The hard part's almost over, you doing this.
- No, I'm dying.
- No, you're not, you just wish you were dying.
(Charlie whimpers) Come on.
(car roaring smoothly) (insects chirping)
Cha...
It's puke?
(insects chirping) (soft music)
(water trickling)
(Ed groaning)
(Ed pants) (water trickling)
Okay,
all right. (clears throat)
All right, let's go.
(Ed groans)
Okay, (Charlie groans)
careful, watch your head.
(clothes rustling)
(Charlie groans)
Okay, all right,
okay, okay, all right.
Okay, okay.
There we go. (Ed groans)
(clothes rustling)
Okay,
all right.
Okay, now come on. (Charlie groans)
Come on, come on, come on.
Okay.
Okay, okay, let's go, come on.
(feet tread)
I gotta get the door.
(door creaks)
Come on, we're almost there.
Around the couch.
Ready, here we go. (Ed sighs)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
Imm'a be right back. (panting)
(suspenseful music)
(utensils clatter)
Goddamnit! (drink glugs)
(Ed panting)
(Ed coughs) (bottle clatters)
All right, all right, all right.
Let's get your head up, get your head up,
come on, come on, come on, up, up, up.
I got what you want, I got what you want, come on.
Come on, yap. (Ed and Charlie panting)
(Charlie gulps) Easy, easy, you good.
Very good. (Charlie pants)
(soft music)
(Ed sighs) (soft music)
(Charlie whimpers) (soft music)
(Ed sighs)
(suspenseful music)
Charlie?
(suspenseful music)
(Charlie gulping)
What the hell do you think you're doing?
- I'm having a nightcap, Eddie old chap.
- What made you like this?
What is would this need to escape reality for 20 years?
What was so tragic and so horrible
that you needed to be medicated out of your existence,
every single second of every single fucking day.
- Yeah, so tragic, so tragic.
Hey Freud, fucking genius.
If you recall, in our last discussions, in my memoirs,
I am perfectly ecstatically happy with my mode of existence.
You seem to be the only person that has a problem with it.
- This, this is happiness to you?
Look at it.
- No, you know, you know this,
have you even considered that this is probably your fault?
Who was the first person I got drunk with?
You were the first person that I ever got drunk with.
Oh yeah, yeah, it's gonna be great,
we're gonna get drunk and then we'll get sober
before my parents even come and you know what happened?
It didn't happen all like that,
because I was the one that just got fucking hammered.
(Ed speaks indistinctly)
Did that happen to you?
No it didn't, 'cause your parent fucking loved y'all!
You're so great!
Just the golden fucking child!
- That was 20 years ago!
(whimpers) Look at you, man, you're deluded.
Get the fuck over yourself.
(bottle clatters) (feet tread)
(insects chirping)
- [Charlie] Will you listen to me?
Stop, turn around goddamnit, it was your fault!
You don't remember that?
It was all your fault.
You're the one who set the wheels in motion.
- If you're talking about a game of spin the bottle
we played when we were 13, you need to grow the fuck up.
I read up on it once.
Once I realized that I was gay
and it's completely normal experimentation.
I thought maybe that night started it all for me,
but it didn't.
It's a rite of passage,
so in the grand scheme of thing, it didn't mean anything.
It meant nothing.
I was already gay and you were already straight
and an alcoholic and an asshole.
- You shut the fuck up, you faggot!
You have no idea what you're talking about.
- (chuckles) Charlie, you wanted to play too asshole.
(chuckles) You wanted your dick touched, you asked for it.
Literally. - No, damn. (groans).
(water burbles)
- You wanna play?
Okay - Yeah.
- Let's play, let's play, let's play.
(water burbles) (suspenseful music)
(water splashes) (suspenseful music)
- Do you kiss me?
- No, you have to kiss me.
- Yeah, no.
- Yeah, yeah, that's how it works.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
- Okay. - Okay, let's do this.
(water burbles)
(suspenseful music)
(water splashes) - [Charlie] Fuck!
Oh God, fuck. (groans)
Oh God. (whimpers)
Damn it Ed! (whimpers)
Fuck, fuck Ed! (crying)
Goddamnit!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. (feet tread)
(suspenseful music)
(Ed gasps)
(Ed screams) I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Eddie I'm sorry!
- [Ed] Get the fuck away from me. (whimpers)
Get the fuck away from me (indistinct).
(Ed and Charlie argue indistinctly)
- [Charlie] I'm sorry, come here.
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
I'm sorry, I can't believe I did that, I didn't want to.
Oh my God I almost killed you. (wails)
I'm sorry I didn't wanna remember that,
I didn't wanna remember it was like it was 20 years ago.
(crying) I'm so sorry.
(suspenseful music)
- You're abnormal, you're not special,
you're not anything.
Every other adult in the world
was born into something they couldn't deal with.
Why can't you get the fuck over yourself?
- I'm so sorry. (wails)
(Charlie speaks indistinctly)
(Charlie cries)
- There is a bottle of gin under your mum's pillow,
go drink yourself to death.
(suspenseful music)
(soft upbeat music)
(birds chirping)
(feet tread) (soft music)
(door bangs) (suspenseful music)
(Charlie whimpers)
(Charlie groaning)
Charlie? - [Charlie] Ed? (panting)
I'm sorry Ed. (panting)
(soft music)
- (sighs) What are you doing?
- I'm detoxing, I'm... (soft music)
I promise I will detox, then I am...(pants)
- Okay, good luck.
- [Charlie] No, no, wait, wait, where are you going?
Where are you going?
- I'm going home, Charlie.
- No, no, no, No, you can't go home.
You can't go home, you can't leave me here please, Ed.
(soft music)
- You need a professional. (soft music)
You need someone that's not me.
- [Charlie] No I don't, I need my friend.
(soft music)
I need my friend Ed.
(soft music)
- I'm not your friend, Charlie.
- [Charlie] Yes we are friends Ed, please?
Don't leave me here.
(soft music)
Please?
- I don't care Charlie. - [Charlie] Please Ed?
- You have plenty of booze and water here.
- [Charlie] What would Jesus do Ed?
He would stay with his friend, please?
Please Ed, come on! (pants)
(soft music)
Please don't leave. (pants)
(soft music)
Ed what would Jesus do?
(soft music) (Charlie panting)
(Charlie groans)
Ed please, (pants)
please don't go, please don't go.
(Charlie whimpers)
(Charlie panting)
(drink fizzles)
(soft music)
(glass shatters)
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
Don't do it.
(dramatic music)
Please don't do it.
(dramatic music)
(birds chirping) (car roaring)
(soft music)
(suspenseful music)
(bottle clatters)
(dramatic music)
(water burbles) (dramatic music)
(water burbles)
(Charlie screams)
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(water burbles)
(drink fizzles) (suspenseful dramatic music)
(birds chirping)
(car roaring)
- Hey, go ahead, you can make it up (indistinct).
- Sorry I'm late, (keys rustling)
my phone lost service about 20 miles back.
- Yeah, that's why they call it country.
We're in the middle of nowhere,
it's a selling point though, right?
- This is it, she's beautiful.
I don't think we'll have any problems.
- Oh, we'll have problems, all right.
- Well you mentioned something about the son on the phone.
- Yeah, the son, is an alcoholic
and the mother passed away and left the house to AA,
so he trashed the place.
- Well, it looks pretty intact to me.
- That's what worries me and I haven't seen him yet.
- Oh out of sight, out of mind.
Why don't you give me a tour?
This will not be a problem,
getting it on the market and off again.
- Yeah, you brought your face masks?
- (chuckles) I have sold houses that belonged to hoarders,
addicts, even one that was literally a meth lab.
I can handle this.
- Oh, let's find out, come on.
(Sherri chuckles) (birds chirping)
- Wow!
- Disgusting, huh?
- Not what I was expecting.
- Tell me about the property.
- Oh, it was a nunnery.
- Like, with real nuns?
- Yeah, it traded hands a few times before and after but,
still has that homey feeling.
- Real granite countertops.
- A hundred percent, lemme show you the master bedroom.
- Oh, what a beautiful door.
- This is the master bedroom, the mother lived here.
Come to think of it, she also died here.
I hope that's not a problem, is it?
- As long as she's not still in there?
(both chuckle)
- I hope not. (both gasp)
- Oh, let's find a key before I show the home
to any potential buyers.
- We'll come back to it, lemme show you the living room.
- Beautiful.
- Think you could sell it?
- Please, I can sell anything,
and this, this I could do in my sleep.
- (chuckles) Wait till you see the pool house.
(birds chirping)
- [Duncan] The property is 47 acres,
in the main house, the pool and a lot of space.
- Wow, I might just have to buy this place for myself.
(Sherri giggles)
(Duncan speaks indistinctly)
- Not your style?
- Bad memories.
- Oh, you knew the mother.
- Yeah, I knew the mother and the son and,
he's a little hard to deal with sometimes.
(birds chirping)
- My sister was an alcoholic, I'm sorry.
- Was?
- Yeah.
- Sorry to hear that. (birds chirping)
- This nice, (giggles) it's very nice.
(Sherri gasps) (suspenseful music)
(Sherri speaks indistinctly)
(suspenseful music)
(Duncan speaks indistinctly)
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
(soft music)
(bright upbeat music)