- ♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪
♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪
Downloaded from YTS.MX
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ I took a break last night ♪
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[mellow hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
♪ Had to get myself together ♪
♪ I took a--I took a ♪
♪ I took a break ♪
♪ Keep fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪
♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪
♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪
♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Cool.
Everybody sit down.
Thank you so much \hfor coming out.
\h\h\h\h\hGive it up for yourselves again.
Oh, my gosh.
[cheers and applause]
We’re all here. \h\hWe made it.
Oh, man.
It’s so great to be here \h\h\h\hwith all of you.
This is incredible.
This is absolutely amazing
’cause it means we did it.
We lived.
I’m not gonna lie.
\h\h\h\h\hI didn’t think-- I didn’t think I’d make it.
I didn’t even get COVID.
I’m just not a survivor.
\hThat’s not how anybody I know would describe me.
I’ll even tell you what, a year \h\hbefore the pandemic, right?
\h\hFully before the pandemic, I was just walking in New York
just looking up at the sky, \h\hloving my life, right?
Just looking up, being happy.
And I stepped off the curb.
That’s all that’s happened \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso far.
I stepped off the curb,
and I stepped on a bird, okay?
\hAnd here’s the thing. Not a dead bird, okay?
This bird was also \h\hwalking around
not paying attention, \h\hloving his life.
We just collided with nature.
Humanity at once.
And so I stepped on the bird.
The bird and I freaked out,
\hand the bird and I made the same noise.
\hThat is not somebody that survives a global pandemic,
all right?
If you can match the pitch \hof a pigeon out of fear,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthen no, no one is checking for you
in the "Mad Max" movie, \h\h\h\h\h\hall right?
\h\h\h\hYou died in the first five seconds in that montage
about what went wrong \h\h\hwith the world.
It’s just you and a bird like-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[squawks]
Like that’s how it ends.
This is insane, you know?
Global pandemic.
\h\h\h\h\h\hLast year was crazy ’cause this was the first thing
\h\h\h\hthat ever happened that happened to everybody.
That’s wild.
That didn’t even happen \h\hin the World Wars,
and they’re named after the world,
you know?
There were some countries like, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"We good.
\h\h"We’re just going to sit out this one.
\h\h"Y’all seem to be working a thing out over there, so...
"We kinda little.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe don’t need to be dusted up in that."
You know?
\h\h\h\h\hSome people thought it was the end of the world,
\h\h\h\hwhich is why I’m pretty sure that
in all that chaos,
in all that uncertainty,
in all that fear,
somebody somewhere, \h\h\h\hdefinitely
ate a person.
That happened, all right?
And we need to talk \h\habout it, okay?
It’s more likely that it happened
than that it didn’t happen.
You can’t tell me out of 7 billion people,
nobody was strong enough \h\h\h\h\hand dumb enough
not to eat somebody \htoo quick, okay?
This dude’s getting arrested \h\h\h\h\h\hthis year, like,
"Okay, I’m the only one \h\h\hwho ate somebody.
"A’ight.
"I’m going.
"How was I supposed \hto know next year
\h\h\h\h"there’d still be Cap’n Crunch, all right?
"I’m going.
\h"Can I just say something though?
"Can I just say something?
"Nobody even liked Dave, okay?
"That’s why it took y’all \h\hso long to catch him.
"Nobody was checking for Dave.
"Look, I’m going. \h\h\hI’m going.
"Nobody was checking for Dave.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Come on. Can I say something else?
"Can I just--can I just say something else real quick?
"He was a little gamey.
"He was a little dry, \h\h\h\h\hall right?
"So now I gotta go to jail off a meal
\h"that wasn’t even good off of a dude that nobody liked.
"Where’s the justice?
"He was a one-star meal and person, all right?
I’m going, I said."
- The thing that bothers me now
is that now that there's vaccines
and, you know, there's whole game plans
for how we're going to attack this thing,
there are people that want to act like they knew
it was going to be okay the entire time.
They wanna act like they were cool the whole time,
and that bothers me.
It makes me mad, you know?
Doctors were like,
"We've never seen anything like this before, all right?"
And you were like, "No, I think it'll be fine."
No, that's not true.
Everybody was at least a little bit panicked.
And you know how I know that?
Remember that food run in March?
Remember that food run where people thought
it was the end of the world?
And they ran past the food to the toilet paper.
They thought we were all gonna die,
and they ran past the cheese snacks
to what they were going to wipe their butt with.
There's never been a better ad for a bidet.
[cheers and applause]
There's never been a better ad for a bidet
than a soccer mom
punching an old lady in the face for some Charmin.
She hits the ground.
Lady's running with it under her arm.
Even the mascot bear's like, "Ooh."
You know?
But you knew it would be okay.
Come on.
I knew some people that were quarantined
with their whole family the entire time, you know?
Like seven people in, like,
a two-bedroom house.
Oof.
Let's say it happens.
Society crumbles.
The infrastructure fails.
It's time to start eating people.
There are people that were just looking
at their fattest cousin like, "It's gonna be you, all right?
"What you gonna do? Run?
"No, it's too late for that, all right?
Plus he diabetic, so I know he going to be sweet, okay?"
I like how that was a line for you.
We've been eating people for four minutes straight--
of eating people jokes,
and diabetic was where you were like, "Ooh.
Not if they taste like cake."
The pandemic definitely--
it definitely made me glad
that I...
grew up Black in America.
You know what I mean?
[cheers and applause]
'Cause nothing prepares you for a pandemic in America
like being Black in regular America.
You know what I mean?
Just sitting there like, what?
Wait, wait, wait. What's that you say?
Food is scarce,
medical attention is hard to come by,
and jobs in the community
are being lost by the thousands?
What is this? A Tuesday?
You know what I mean?
Even now--even now that we have a vaccine,
and there's a light at the end of the tunnel,
there's a lot Black people that don't want to take it.
And I understand. I do get it.
They don't want to take it
'cause of history, you know what I mean?
Like, it's just not on science's side.
We've been experimented on before, and we remember.
But I will say I'm fully vaccinated.
[cheers and applause]
That's the first time anybody's clapped for my asthma.
That is incredible.
Okay. I'll take it.
But I am fully vaccinated.
And I would tell all the Black people
that I know in my life and out of it,
that this is the one to get.
And I know it's the one to get
'cause they didn't want to give it to us right away.
Don't get me wrong.
If you're just out playing basketball
and some white men in white coats just walk up like,
"Would you kids like some free medicine?"
Then yeah, no, no.
Back away.
But there were whole states that were like,
"Wait your turn, nigger."
That's how you know it's the good stuff.
I'm sorry about the truth.
I don't know what to tell you.
[cheers and applause]
But yeah, I--I know last year was scary.
It was.
'Cause some people's--
some people's worst fears came true last year.
There's some people whose worst fear
in their entire life
is losing their job
and not being able to provide for their family,
and that happened.
There's some people whose worst fear
in their entire life
is getting sick and being a burden
on the people that they love,
and that happened.
I had my worst fear in my entire life
come true last year.
I got a bee stuck in my hair.
I know it doesn't sound like it matches up,
but let me explain.
First of all, I am deathly allergic, okay?
I'm dea--if I get stung, I will die.
Me plus bee equals dead, okay?
That's the quick math for you.
And this thing came in hot, all right?
It shot in my hair like it belonged there.
And at first, I just tried to whip my hair back and forth.
Tried to get it out. That didn't help at all.
It just got it more stuck.
So now I am running up to people screaming for help,
but there is no quicker way to look schizophrenic
than running up to people screaming for help,
and they can't see the threat, all right?
So now I'm running up to white people
in the park ruining picnics, okay?
I am stepping in people's pesto.
I'm slipping in hummus.
I fell and snapped a whole charcuterie board.
And I know what I should have done.
I should have-- I should have run up,
and I should've been like, "Hey, I'm so sorry,
"but if I could get your attention
"for just a second, there's a bee in my hair,
"and I'm deathly allergic.
"If you could help me out,
that would be a literal lifesaver, okay?"
I was too panicked for any of that, all right?
So I just ran up on 'em like, "It's in me!
"Can't you hear it?
It's gonna kill me!"
And I forgot to mention up top
that when I slipped in the hummus,
I rolled my ankle, so...
I didn't even get to run up on the regular.
I was running up, I'm like, "It's in me!
"Can't you hear it?
It's gonna kill me!"
People were running away from me.
It was terrible.
It was absolutely horrible.
And this is the thing--thing that bothered me the most--
the thing that really stressed me out--
even broke my heart a little bit--
was this was the one time-- the one time
in my entire life
that I needed white people to touch my hair,
and they were nowhere to be found.
I wasn't asking. I was begging.
I was like, "I'm gonna die!"
And they were like, "No, no, I know better.
"I learned about this, all right?
"I went to Vassar.
"You're not going to get me canceled.
"I took a sensitivity class.
Where's the Twitter?"
- Oh.
I developed a lot of pet peeves
in the pandemic, you know?
A lot of things that didn't bother me before
that definitely bother me now.
Really upset me.
Like, um...
I'm done with horoscopes.
You can read yours but don't read me mine, okay?
And I say I'm done because
they're too esoteric for me, you know?
"You'll find love in love's place
when love's ready to do love's thing."
You think?
Wow.
You basically just said
something's going to happen eventually.
That's your prediction.
I would just rather horoscope with less words.
That would make me happier.
I would rather open up a newspaper,
go down to where it says Pisces,
and it just says, "Don't."
I'm sure I was going to do something dumb that day.
The other reason I'm done with them
is because, you know...
[scoffs]
Everybody here was born.
Everybody here's got a sign
whether you believe in it or not.
Everyone has one, right?
How did everybody's horoscope miss a global pandemic?
It was coming whether you were, like, a Leo or a Libra
or, like, the scales or the--the--the dolphin
and the--the dog, whatever it is.
It was coming no matter what.
So I still have people who have the nerve
to read me my horoscope and, like,
"It says something very special is on the way for you."
Really?
It couldn't have said, "Mask up March 15th?"
That would have still been mysterious.
I...
I had a hard time in lockdown.
I really did. In quarantine, it was hard.
It was really, really hard because it--
it made a liar out of me.
It did.
'Cause I've always said, my entire life...
If I just had the time.
Oh, if I had the time,
I'd learn another language.
I'd get ripped.
I'd learn how to build a house.
Turns out, if you lock me in my room for nine months,
I won't do any of those things.
I would just rather watch TV
until I fall asleep in succession.
I watched TV and fell asleep so many times
that the only way that I knew if I ate
was if I woke up with Dorito dust on my collar.
I was just waking up middle of the day just--
[gasping for air]
Oh. Oh, thank God.
Oh.
My--that became my life.
My life just became screens nonstop.
It was either my phone
or my computer or my TV nonstop.
I was either on the internet or I was watching something.
And it got to be a lot.
It got to the point where I knew I needed
to take a break, you know?
So I decided to do it. I put--I put everything down.
I turned everything off, and I just sat in my room
and I would just sit, and I would think.
Just try to be alone with myself in a quiet place.
Like suss myself out,
get to know what I'm really about in here.
And that...
was a terrible mistake.
It was.
It was a terrible-- it was the--
one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life.
First of all,
I'm just sitting, thinking.
I'm not thinking after reading.
I'm just thinking raw-ass thoughts.
These aren't good thoughts.
These are just things I'd normally
be too distracted by TV to think.
And they were real dumb.
And that was heartbreaking.
It was.
I always thought if I just sat and thought,
I'd come up with a theory or something.
And I was just sitting there, like,
"Oh, my God. All of these things are dumb.
"Am I dumb?
"Is this how dumb people find out?
"'Cause that last thing was real dumb,
and I'm the only one talking."
That's what happens when you sit with your thoughts.
But I knew I had to take a break.
I knew it because
I got to the point where
I wasn't sure if I knew who I was
when there wasn't a screen in front of my face,
you know?
Because I know it sounds bad to say,
but there's an online me, and there's an in-person me.
And I know it sounds fake to say that,
but it's true, you know?
And I'm scared that the online version is better.
I am because online, I try to--
I try to educate people, you know?
I--I take up for people that I don't know.
I fight for causes that I believe in.
But in real life,
I saw my friend, Sean, get jumped,
and I was like, "He probably did something.
"Uh...
"I don't see how that's my business, you know?
"Honestly, it wouldn't be three of them
"if he didn't do it--if he didn't deserve it, you know?
"In fact, let me turn around.
"I don't like him screaming my name like that.
I don't want to be involved."
You know?
Online, I try to educate people
that I feel like are being ignorant.
But you know what I don't do in real life?
Read!
Like, I don't know where I get off
talking down to people.
'Cause I got a keyboard in front of me.
Online, I tell people I don't know
to keep following their dream, okay?
I tell them that they can do it.
I don't know if they can do it.
I keep telling them that they can do it, okay?
And in real life,
I gave a street performer money to stop.
I was online,
and I saw this guy
making fun of this kid for being too skinny
'cause he posted a workout video,
and there was this big dude making fun of him, right?
And so I told him, "Hey.
"If you want to get your ass beat,
come to this address."
And in real life, I gave him my buddy Sean's address.
See what I mean? Like...
how was I supposed to know
he was gonna bring two other people?
That's just unfair.
- ’Cause I’m also relearning
how to be in the world, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know?
\h\hI was awkward before, but I’m insufferable now.
I am.
\h\h\hI am almost a year out of practice from being weird.
Like, I go--I go-- \h\hI go on walks,
and I remember I left the house \h\h\h\h\hfor this walk, right?
And while I was on it, \hI bumped into a guy.
\h\h\h\hAnd we bumped into each other hard
’cause we both just weren’t \h\h\h\h\hpaying attention.
And when I--I bumped into him,
I immediately whipped around \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto apologize.
But when I turned around, \hhe was standing there,
and a...
a gun had fallen out \h\hof his waistband.
And so I--I looked at the gun,
and I looked at him.
And he looked at the gun,
and he looked at me.
And here’s the thing.
I was raised in the South, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright?
So I was raised to be polite.
\hI was raised to, you know, make people feel comfortable,
be affable and everything.
So out of pure instinct,
I--I almost--I knelt down
to pick up this man’s gun.
And about halfway down, \h\h\h\h\h\hI was like,
"Let me not put my fingerprints \h\h\h\h\h\hon this loose gun."
He doesn’t even have a holster.
I am sure he is gonna do \h\h\h\hsomething illegal
with this gun.
And so I just stood back up, \h\h\hand then he knelt down,
and he picked it up.
And he put it back \hin his waistband,
and we just stared \h\hat each other.
And then I went--
[stutters]
"Evening."
I’ve never in my life.
"Evening, sir."
\h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know why, but I felt like if I skipped,
he wouldn’t shoot me, you know what I mean?
I’m a moving target.
So as I was on a walk--
’cause that’s all I do now.
\h\hJust leave the house and walk till I get tired
\h\h\h\h\h\hand then come home and fall asleep and walk again.
I’m basically my own dog.
’Cause during lockdown, what else could you do?
That was all you could \h\h\h\h\honly go for.
Everything was closed, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know?
And so I was on this walk,
and I actually got to see \h\h\ha public proposal.
And I saw this guy stand \hin front of this woman,
and he took a step back, \h\h\h\h\h\hand he knelt.
He whipped a ring out.
He popped it open.
Asked her to marry him.
And then she
hit him in the head \h\h\hwith a rock.
And...
I am not a relationship expert,
but that seems like a hard no.
\h\hThat’s a fast pass right there, you know?
And I don’t know them.
I don’t know what’s going on \h\h\hwith them or anything,
so I just had to insert \hsomething for myself.
And if I’m being honest,
\hlast year, a lot of people moved in together real quick.
\hThey were like, "Listen, it’s the end of the world.
"I’m not paying two rents, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right?
"Let’s just live together.
I like you enough. \h\hWe’ll survive."
So people partnered up
\h\h\hand maybe that’s what happened to them.
They partnered up early \h\h\hin the pandemic,
and every day,
he fell more and more \h\hin love with her.
And every day...
\h\hShe got sicker and sicker of him,
you know?
Month two: they’re sitting \h\hat the breakfast table
and he’s just looking at her.
He’s just thinking.
He’s not saying anything \h\h\h\hthat’s out loud.
He’s just thinking.
"Wow.
"The world may never \h\hbe normal again.
"The world may be changed \hforever as we know it,
"and I get to be sitting across \h\hfrom this beautiful woman.
"This--this amazing woman,
"that she even eats cute.
"Look at her eating her cereal.
"Little--little bites.
\hShe is--she’s just too cute, you know?"
\hAnd then she’s sitting across from him thinking,
"Is this motherfucker \h\hwatching me chew?
"I don’t like him looking deep \h\h\h\hin my mouth like that.
"That is weird as hell.
Make me not even want \h\hmy food anymore."
Month four:
they’re laying down watching \h\h\h\h\h\ha movie together.
He has both of her hands \h\h\h\h\h\hin his hands.
And he’s just thinking, like,
\h\h\h\h\h"Look at these-- look at these little hands.
\h\h\h"Look at these dainty little hands.
She has the cutest hands \h\h\h\h\hin the world."
And then she’s thinking,
"This clammy bitch.
\h\h\h"How did he even get his hands this wet?
"Did he wash his hands
\h\h"before he sat down and watched the movie?
"My hands are soaking wet \h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now.
"I am sopping wet.
"I got a cup of water in my hand right now
"from his weak fingers
rubbing up against my hands."
Month eight:
maybe they--maybe they’re \hon a walk or something.
Maybe they’re actually \h\h\h\hable to go out
and do a thing, you know?
\h\h\h\h\hNot much is open, but maybe they go to, like,
a Froyo place or something.
They’re eating it together, \h\h\h\h\h\hand he’s like--
[whimpering]
"Look at her eating \hher little Froyo.
"You know what? \hI can’t wait.
Tomorrow, I’m gonna do it." \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, no.
\h\h- "I’m going to ask this beautiful woman to marry me.
"I’m going to get down \h\h\h\h\h\hon one knee
"and ask this angel to make me
the happiest man in the world."
\h\h\hAnd then she was sitting there thinking,
"If his head was just \h\h\ha little lower,
"I bet I could knock it \h\h\h\h\h\hclean off.
"I bet I could crack \hhis damn cerebellum
if he gave me the chance."
Cause I should mention--I don’t know if I mentioned it up top--
\h\hbut when she hit him in the head with a rock,
she didn’t pick up the rock.
She just had a rock on her, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hokay?
She was just as ready
to hit him in the head \h\h\h\h\h\hwith a rock
as he was to propose.
Both just walking all day
\h\h\h\h\hwith a rock in their back pocket,
and hers was just bigger.
’Cause I should point out
\hI wasn’t the only one who saw this, you know?
Like, with any public proposal, \h\h\ha crowd gathered around.
\hPeople were aww-ing. People started to clap.
This proposal got claps.
But it only got two claps
’cause people saw him kneel.
And they even started--they’re \h\h\hlike, "That is so beau--
We should mind our business. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hLet’s just go."
- When I was trying to take a break from my phone,
you know what I really missed?
My phone.
I did. It was like--it hurt.
It--it was weird.
It's hard to even explain, you know?
And it's when-- it's when it occurred to me
that no one will ever love anyone
as much as you love your phone.
I know it sounds sad to say, but it's true.
It is.
You know?
I've had conversations with people,
deep, long conversations where I was like,
"Wow, right now in this moment,
"I think I'm making a friend for life.
"I've opened up to this person
more than I've opened up to anyone in years."
And eventually, they do just pull out their phone and start,
like, checking something.
And that's supposed to be rude, but it's not rude.
The phone is better.
It is.
You can do anything you want on the phone,
and I'm just yapping about my parents' divorce.
They pull out the phone like,
"This is way better than what was happening two seconds ago.
"Oh, my God.
Oh, he's still going. He is a mess."
You know?
I drop my phone sometimes.
I don't know if anyone else here does.
But think about the noises you make
when you almost drop your phone.
The true heartbreaking noises that you make.
It hadn't even hit the ground yet and you're like--
[shrieking]
That was just it slipping through one finger.
It's still--it's still in your hand, but you--
[shrieking]
And you mean it.
It's coming from deep in here.
It's coming from the heart.
You couldn't mean it more.
It's biological in you to make that noise
when you're dropping your baby.
Now think of the noises we make
when we see actual car accidents.
"Ooh, that's messed up. I hope everybody okay.
That looks terrible."
You see how those should be reversed?
'Cause truly, I drop my phone,
and I go through all five stages of grief.
I really do.
You know?
I drop it.
It hits the ground.
Denial. [scoffs]
"That's--that's--that's-- that's not a crack.
"That's just a hair, all right?
"That's just a hair, and as soon as I wipe it,
"I'm gonna be gucci, okay? My phone is fine.
"I did not just mess up my phone just now.
I'm good. I'm good."
Anger. "Fuck!
"I can't believe
"I just dropped this phone
"right outside the Apple store.
"I am standing-- I bought it six seconds ago.
"Cashier is still looking at me in the face.
"He waving at me, and I dropped this phone
through these brittle fingers."
Bargaining. "That's just the case.
"That's the ca-- that's the case whole job
"is to be like the Secret Service of the phone
"and take the hits for the phone.
"So that's where it's just like a little soldier.
"It took that hit. It cracked.
My phone is fine though."
Depression. "My ex was right.
"I don't handle responsibility well at all
"and that's why she left.
And honestly, I think she made the right move."
Acceptance. "You know what?
"I just don't deserve nice things, okay?
"I don't know where I get off getting it.
I should've got a Nokia like I deserve."
I've been visiting more people now,
now that things are opening up and stuff.
And I went to visit
one of my friends who I haven't seen
since before any of the pandemic, you know?
I haven't seen him in a whole year,
and he lives with his mom,
his dad, his grandma,
and his cousin.
And it was so good to see all of them,
hang out a little bit,
catch up and stuff, but while I was there...
I--
not sure how to--
while I was--basically,
my boy's grandma got a crush on me,
and I don't know what to do about it.
And I heard a couple "awws."
This is not a Hallmark crush, all right?
This woman has carnal intentions
towards my body, okay?
She's not messing around.
Okay?
I was--I was--I was hanging out there, and first of all,
she wait till everybody leave the room to hit on me.
That's how you know she a predator, okay?
She wait till she can make it he said, she said, right?
So then everybody left the room for a different reason,
and she got right up on me, just in my face all over me.
And I tried to let her down easy.
I try and make it scientific about the pandemic, you know?
I was like, "Ma'am, ma'am,
"we should social distance...
"because, you know, right now, I'm not vaccinated.
"You're not vaccinated, okay?
"And you're in a high-risk demographic.
I would hate for something to happen to you, all right?"
That's what I said.
And then she went...
[laughs] "Oh, sweetie.
I'm high risk and high reward."
I was like--
[cheers and applause]
So I just stuck to my buddy like glue.
Anywhere he went is where I went in the house.
Just--I was--I was right behind him everywhere he went.
I just didn't want to be left alone with her again
'cause that mean she's aggressive, okay?
And I'm not gonna lie.
She old, but I think she faking it
'cause she's old, but she's fast.
'Cause if we would leave the room,
and she wouldn't be in the room with us at all,
and I would turn around, she'd just be right behind me.
Like, are you running? How are you doing this?
But she was behind me, and she pinched my butt.
And pitching butts is that old lady sexual harassment
that nobody cares about, you know?
Even if I tell people like, "She got me, all right?"
They're like, "Well... [scoffs]
"She's 85.
"You should've been faster, okay?
Honestly, just move."
But she did.
She pinched my butt and then whispered in my ear,
"You firm like my mattress."
It's like, "Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God.
I am going to leave."
And so I left, and I don't know how, but she got my number.
I think she got it out of my buddy's phone
when he wasn't paying attention.
And she has been sending me
nonstop thirst traps, okay?
But they're granny thirst traps
so it's just pictures of food that she cook.
But still--still,
there is innuendo involved, you know?
She sent me a picture of a cobbler
and then text me under it,
"I could break you off some if you want to come on through."
I was like,
"I am going to throw my phone in the river.
I hate this way more than I love my phone."
- I just want people \h\h\h\hto be happy.
\hI feel like we can be happy if we get out of our own way.
Like I--I--I have friends
who are dating,
\h\h\h\htrying to date in New York and stuff.
\hAnd especially my female friends
\h\h\hwill talk to me about their troubles
trying to date in, like, \h\ha metropolitan city--
\htrying to date in the age of the apps and everything.
\h\hAnd I even had one friend, she came to me with this list.
And it was the list \h\h\hof everything
\h\hthat she wanted in a guy, you know?
\hAnd I told her honestly ’cause I care about her,
"I need you to take that list
"and throw it in the trash, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right?
"Burn it if you have to \hif that will help you
forget the memory."
\hI’ll tell you right now, there’s only three things.
There’s only three attributes \h\h\hthat you could hope for
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin a guy that you’re gonna make a partner.
There’s only three.
You need to pick two, okay?
You need to pick two \h\h\hof those three,
whichever two you can live with
and move on ’cause you’re not gonna get all three.
\h\h\h\hI hate it for you, but it’s not gonna happen.
I’ll go over ’em right now.
There’s good dick,
good person,
got his shit together.
\hYou need to pick two of those three.
Whichever two work for you
and move on.
And if he has one, leave.
Don’t let a one ruin your life.
Just one! \h\h\hMm.
I honestly--I have friends
\hcomplain to me about their ones,
and I’m falling asleep listening to the story
’cause it’s just boring.
It’s like, "Well, you told me \hyou had one to begin with,
so what are we really \h\h\htalking about?"
If he’s just a good person,
doesn’t have good dick,
doesn’t have his shit together,
just a good person?
That’s a friend.
Like, that’s...
\h\h\h\h\h\hY’all can hang out on the weekends, go to museums.
I don’t know why you trying \hto force more, you know?
If he’s just good dick,
just good dick,
not a good person,
doesn’t have his shit together,
just good dick?
That’s literally a dildo.
That’s what a dildo is for.
Why are you stressed over him?
Make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave!
Nobody puts their vibrator \hback in the drawer, like,
"He forgot my birthday."
Like, that’s...
It’s not gonna happen \h\h\hif you treat it
like what it’s for.
\h\h’Cause you’re not gonna get all three.
And I hate it for you.
I really do. \hSincerely.
\h\h\h\h\hAnd every time I have this conversation
with--with my friends,
sometimes they--they get upset.
\h\h\h\h\h\hNot every time. Sometimes they do get upset
and they’re like, "No.
"No, he has all three.
"No.
"No, he has all three.
"I know it.
"I feel it.
\h\h"I feel it here and here and here.
"No.
He has all three."
If you really think \hhe has all three,
he’s going to kill you, \h\h\h\h\h\hall right?
\h\h\h\hThat is a murderer putting on a facade, okay?
I’m sure all 33 women \h\hthought Ted Bundy
had all three, you know?
Like, "No, Ted is just nice.
"You know, it’s just nice to meet a guy that, like,
\h\h"has his shit together, is a lawyer and everything,
"and, like, knows how to-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\hknows his way
"around the bedroom, knows how to listen.
"Why are you looking at me \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that?
[yelps]"
\hLike, that’s how it went every time.
You know what--you wanna \h\hknow what bothers me?
What really upsets me?
What even scares me \h\h\ha little bit?
I don’t know which two I am.
\h’Cause I don’t get to decide, you know?
That’s another person’s \h\hdecision about me.
I’m scared I’m going \h\hto be laying back
\h\h\h\h\hwith my girl years from now, right?
\hYears from now just laying back.
We’re talking about this, and I lean over to her, and I’m like,
\h\h\h\h"I’m--I’m good dick and a good person, right?"
And she’s like, "You have a great job, all right?"
[cheers and applause]
- Last year was tough because
I also lost people, you know?
We all did to a certain degree.
We lost people, and some of the people that I've lost,
like, I--I had a friend who passed away.
And he passed away
during the height of infection, so we couldn't gather,
we couldn't go all be together
and mourn him properly.
And so we, uh...
we had to have a Zoom funeral.
I don't know if you've been to a Zoom meeting,
but this had all the awkwardness
of a Zoom meeting
but added as a funeral.
It was terrible.
'Cause at least at a funeral, at a real funeral, right?
We're all facing the body.
We're all collectively facing the same direction,
looking at the body.
And on Zoom, we are all facing each other.
And I'm not going to lie.
Not everybody looks upset enough for me, okay?
There's some people whose screens are blue.
I'm like, "You playing 'Cyberpunk.'
"I could already tell.
Why are you blue, and nobody else is blue?"
There was one dude that was just eating chips,
like, how are you gonna let him eat the chips?
He just eating chips and they'd take it off
'cause he's making noise eating the chips
completely unmuted.
It's just preacher, Pringles,
preacher, Pringles, preacher, Pringles.
I know you at your house, but this is a funeral.
No, it was horrible.
People didn't know they weren't muted.
There was one dude that was like,
"It's a funeral.
"No, it's a funeral.
"Willy died.
"I told you Willy died.
"Look, he on the screen right here.
"Come look. Come look.
"They got him all messed up though.
"They messed up that last haircut.
"I wouldn't let 'em bury me like that.
"That's terrible. Oh, my God.
I'm not muted. I'm not muted!"
Preacher got on there.
And here's the thing; there was at least one family member
that was allowed to be at the funeral home with the preacher
with the body and everything,
and they said that he preached
a--a really uplifting sermon, you know?
Especially if you, you know, grew up Christian or something.
He used all the--
all the things we've all heard before, you know?
Got up there, acted like it was a full church house,
even though it was just a webcam and one person.
And he was like,
"See, see, see, see, see, Willy, Willy,
"Willy may be dead. We already know that.
"We know Willy dead, okay?
"But his body is dead.
"His soul! His soul!
"His soul is up there with the Redeemer, all right?
"His soul is with the one that ascended, all right?
"It's with the one that ascended!
"Willy out there doing-- doing moonwalking with Jesus
"right now.
"Don't mourn for Willy, all right?
"Willy having a good time up in the clouds.
"No pain, no suffering, okay?
"Willy in a better place now.
"Willy may be dead, all right?
But he is not gone, all right?"
Sure.
[sighs]
But his connection had a lag.
So all we heard on our end was,
"Willy.
"Ass.
"Dead.
Gone."
I'm like, "That--that about sums it up,
but that's pretty rude."
It's really good.
It's for the best
that I'm gonna die.
Not now.
I wanna live a long life and everything and all that stuff.
But still, like, eventually, mm--
we're done.
And I say that because here's the thing.
I--I feel--I feel at least-- I don't know.
But I think that I'm a good person,
and I do the best to make the world as good of a place
as I can for the people that I meet, you know?
If I hurt someone, I try to fix it.
And if someone is hurt already,
I try and make them feel better, you know?
I just want to help.
And I think--I think I'm as progressive as you could get.
I don't know, maybe.
But give me 80 years.
I'm sure I'll hit a wall somewhere.
It happens to everybody.
Everybody hits a wall.
They act like there's this huge, like,
there--there-- there's this huge battle
between the generations, and there's not.
It's just medicine got too good.
So people that were nice and then should have died
are still alive and very upset, saying terrible things.
And I'm not better than anybody.
I could be one of them, you know?
I know people
who marched in the Civil Rights Movement, right?
For equality.
Just be able to have what someone else has
by virtue of being a person, you know?
And they got dogs sicced on 'em,
and they got the shit beat out of them, okay?
And even with some of them-- just some--
but even with some of them,
if you bring up marriage equality,
they're like, "Let's not get crazy."
Let's not get crazy?
What were you--what were you
doing it for then, you know?
The '60s, you're over there holding hands,
holding the lines,
sitting in, singing, "We Shall Overcome."
Who would have thought your grandson
would have to overcome you, you know?
What?
Tell me I'm wrong.
It's true.
And I want to find out what my line is.
I'd like to just be that dude that was nice to everybody,
and then he died.
Sounds like a pretty good life.
'Cause I'm a super progressive guy now,
but give me 80 years.
I'll--I'll find a thing.
I won't even do it on purpose.
I just won't get it, you know?
I won't be a bad person.
I just won't understand.
I don't know what it is now, but it's coming.
In fact, I bet I can--I can take a guess at what it is.
It's going to be robots.
It will. AI is getting too good.
It's not too long before they put it in a body, all right?
And then they're just walking around
amongst us and everything.
And then, years later,
my granddaughter brings home a robot to Thanksgiving,
and I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
And now I'm that old racist at the table, you know?
Nice young man.
Couldn't be more respectful in my house, right?
But I'm sitting there saying all the racist stuff,
leaning over my granddaughter like...
[scoffs]
"You can fuck him, but don't marry him, all right?"
"Grandpa." "What?"
20 minutes into dinner, I'm like,
"Hey, Siri, pass the salt.
[laughs]"
"Grandpa." "What?"
"You can't say that. That's their word, okay?"
"I invented the word. I think I get to say it."
You know?
Hour into dinner, "What, is--
"so what, your--
"your grandpa like a blender, or something?
[laughs]"
"Grandpa." "What?"
"His grandfather was a blender, okay?
"And they kept him in the house,
"and they worked him to death,
and then they threw him out when he got old."
"Nah, at least he was in the house, you know?
"Wasn't one of these outside robots.
"He wasn't like--it wasn't like
"he was a lawnmower or something.
He didn't have it that hard."
You know?
"Haven't we'd done enough for you people?
"Gotta watch you every day. We didn't do anything.
"I didn't do anything to you. They--they liked the work.
"They didn't complain, you know?
"Now, every--every weekend, can't go anywhere
"without you guys marching,
talking about how 'bot lives matter,' whatever."
And then I die, and nobody's sad.
The thing that I love about telling that joke
is that in it,
I actually make up a form of bigotry,
but this is so Brooklyn, some of you were like,
"You need to check your organic privilege, all right?
"Just because he's made of nuts and bolts
does not diminish his personhood, all right?"
I made it up. It's not going to happen.
I promise you.
Here’s the thing.
We’re in a time--
[sighs]
Where as a--a comic,
\h\h\h\h\hit feels like there’s another level.
It feels like you have \h\h\hto do two things.
You have to both
give people permission to laugh
and make them laugh
\h’cause we’re in a very tense time
where a lot of terrible things \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hare being said,
but a lot of people don’t mean \h\h\h\hto say terrible things.
And a lot of people are worried \habout what people will think
if they say something and it’s--it’s tense.
And so you have to both--
\h\h\h\hyou have to give people permission, like,
\h\h\hhey, here, right now, we might as well be family.
We’re having a good time,
\h\h\hand I’m sharing my thoughts with you,
and I hope you enjoy them.
And if you don’t, I understand.
But I want to open up the floor
\h\h\h\hand give you permission to have the best time possible
\hwith the things that I’m saying.
\h\hAnd then you have to give people something good enough
to laugh at.
I say that
because this next thing...
I’m telling you I want you
to have a good time with it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h’cause I did.
\h\hI was visiting one of my friends.
And over the pandemic, he--
he got a bird,
which is weird.
I don’t know. \h\h\hIt is.
Like, he--he lives in a studio.
It’s the biggest bird \h\h\hI’ve ever seen,
and now his apartment \his a quarter bird.
It’s just--it is cumbersome.
It is a reverse Maya Angelou \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin there.
Just bird upset.
Nobody’s having a good time.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s weird because it was odd of him
to see a majestic creature \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand be like,
"Well, if I can’t be outside, \hneither can you," you know?
\h\h\h\h\h\hBut he did. He got his--this bird.
And it’s a parrot.
\h\h\hI know it’s a parrot, but it’s the biggest parrot
\h\hI’ve ever seen in my entire life.
And while I was hanging out \h\h\h\h\h\h\hat his place,
\h\h\h\h\h\hat one point, he went to the bathroom.
\h\h\h\h\hAnd when he went to the bathroom, I think--
I don’t know,
I can’t be certain, but I’m almost sure
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat while he was in the bathroom, the parrot...
Said the n-word.
And I don’t know. \h\h\h\h\hI did--
\hI wasn’t sure if I had picked up on it at first
because it didn’t say it \h\h\h\h\h\hlike a dude.
It said it like a bird.
You know I’m just sitting there \h\h\hon my phone, and I hear,
"[high-pitched] \h\h\h\hNigga."
And I’m like...
That--that wasn’t it, \h\hbut it was clear.
It had all the notes.
That might’ve been it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know?
\h\hBut I was like, "No, I’m tripping."
I just went back to my phone,
and then I heard, "Nigga."
And I’m like, "That was slower.
"That one might’ve been \h\h\h\h\h\h\hspot-on.
\h\h\hI think he trying to tell me something."
\h\hBut even if he is, what am I going to do?
I’m gonna fight a bird?
I went back to my phone, \h\h\h\h\h\hshook it off,
and then the third one--
third one had some stank on it.
The third one was like, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Nigga."
And I’m like, "That’s..."
And when I turned around, \h\hhe was looking at me.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m like, "He is clearly doing this."
\h\h\h\hBut it was weird. I didn’t know what to do.
I was frozen because
\h\hsaying "cracker" is their whole thing,
and he went fully left.
[cheers and applause]
- I've talked a lot about being on my phone.
And I've only mentioned the internet a couple times.
I think--I think it's important to point out that the internet,
all it is is an amplifier, you know?
When it--when the internet came along, it changed everything.
It changed the world as we live in it.
It changed what we care about.
It changed our priorities. All that stuff.
But all it really is, deep down, is a transformer.
It's an amplifier.
And if you want to do good,
it's going to help you do more good
than you've ever done in your entire life.
You're going to reach people
that you never could have otherwise.
And if you want to do evil, it is gonna take you
to a darker place than you could ever imagine.
Like for the good things, right?
As a good example, there was a little girl--
some of you may have even seen the story.
There was a little girl that was eight years old,
and she had brain cancer,
and her parents didn't have a lot of money,
and they didn't have the best insurance.
So as Americans,
we were gonna let her die.
That is what we do here, all right?
She, obviously,
being eight and having a bad brain
and not having money was irresponsible.
She should have pulled herself up
by her seven-year-old bootstraps
and made enough money
to support her dumb cancer brain, right?
That's American dogma, okay?
So we were gonna let her die, but she said,
"No--no, I'm not going to die, all right?
Not without a fight, okay?"
And so she decided to sell lemonade.
She was going to sell lemonade to raise money
for her surgery, right?
Which is adorable but, sweetie, that's not gonna cut it.
Unless you are charging
champagne levels for this lemonade
or have child soldier factory levels of it
being pumped out and produced, you're not gonna make it.
I'm sorry.
But as she was selling the lemonade,
every person that she sold a cup of lemonade to,
she told her story.
She told them why she was selling the lemonade.
And then those people started to tell people.
And then through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
someone started a GoFundMe for this little girl.
And then she blew the amount of money
that she needed for her surgery out of the water, right?
Which is great. That's amazing.
That's the power of the internet.
That's the ability for us to connect.
When we all have access to each other,
we can make an impact.
We could change each other's lives, you know?
But there's also a bad side.
We all know it.
When I was in high school,
there was this group of kids
that they were cool, and I liked them,
and I liked that they liked me, but they terrified me
because all they ever did was prank each other.
And it was, like-- it was, like, too hardcore,
and it was really mean,
and it weirdly always brought them closer together,
but it terrified me, you know?
'Cause they were heinous to each other,
but it somehow just strengthened their bond.
So I was glad that they liked me,
but I didn't want to be in the group.
And it was four of them.
It was two guys, and it was two girls.
And normally, like, the coming-of-age story
would tell you that they're all gonna hook up,
but that's not what happened.
Everyone in the group had a different
significant other outside the group except for one girl.
Her name was Beth.
And it was hard for Beth to find somebody
'cause she was too intense.
She was a lot.
You know, she just--she always felt the need to up the ante.
Take things further than they should go, you know?
Until she met a guy.
She met a guy on the internet,
and they hit it off immediately.
She thought he was cute.
They had the same sense of humor.
They--they wanted to go
and travel the same places.
And every day, she would come to school,
and she would tell us about this.
She would tell us, like,
"Oh, you know, he's so cool. I like him so much.
And here's what we talked about and everything."
And then Friday came,
and on Friday, she told me
that he wanted to meet on Saturday.
And I told her, "Oh.
"Don't do that.
That is a terrible idea."
Because I should point out--
this isn't online dating in 2021.
This is online dating in 2008, okay?
In 2021, there's bios. There's mutual friends.
There's pictures from multiple angles.
In 2008, all you are getting with online dating
was a description that was hopefully accurate enough
to give the police.
And so I told her, "No, don't go."
Because I should point out
this guy didn't give her an address to come to.
He said, "Meet me in this neighborhood
through this alley through this door."
And I was like, "You honestly making it too easy to kill you.
"Do not go.
That sounds like a murderer, okay?"
But she--she was young, and she was in love,
and so she went.
She went to that neighborhood
through that alley through that door.
And when she walked through that door,
it was a funeral home.
She was so confused.
You know, she was looking around at everything.
She walked around the whole funeral home,
and she saw that there was only one funeral,
and it was his.
And she was so confused. She was looking at him,
looking at his family and everything.
She couldn't understand it.
And then she got a call on her phone,
and it was her friends.
And they had pranked her.
You see, they found this dude's picture in the obituary.
And so they took it, and they made
an online profile with it, and then they found her,
and then they just chopped it up.
They just chatted, and they--
because they know her so well,
they obviously could make her fall
instantly in love with this guy.
They know all of the things that she likes.
They know her sense of humor.
They know the places that she wants to travel
when she gets out of high school, you know?
And so they had her come there on a Saturday--
Valentine's Day, by the way.
To come see the dead body
of this dude she had fallen in love with.
- That's terrible.
- That is how dark the internet can be.
That is what happens
when we all have access to each other.
We can change each other's lives for the worse.
I know right now you feel bad for Beth.
Don't. Okay?
She got 'em back.
Over the course of a decade, she...
banged all of their dads.
[cheers and applause]
I told you she was intense.
She felt the need to up the ante
'cause that's not all she did.
She married one.
And we honestly don't know if that's still part of it.
Maybe she loves this man, or maybe she's like,
"You got me good in high school,
"and now, I'm your mom.
"I'm going to write you out of the will.
Ha, ha-ha-ha, haha-haha, haha."
Guys, I'm Josh Johnson. Thanks so much.
You have a great night.
Thank you so much for coming out.
I can't believe we did it. We did it!
Give it up for yourselves again.
Thank you all so much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
One second, one second.
[stammers] I feel like I would--
I would be--
I'd be making a huge mistake
if I didn't say an extra thing right now.
So a lot of you can't know.
This thing was supposed to happen a year ago.
And because of the pandemic,
we had to hold it and hold it, and we wanted to do it
in a way that made everybody safe
and everybody could still have a good time.
And so I--I'm not--I'm not-- I know I'm up here,
but I'm not the only one that put a lot of work
and a lot of sweat and tears of people
who couldn't even be here tonight.
They have to, like, Zoom in from LA,
so I hope I don't have a lag.
They'll think I was bombing.
But, like--but please, I want you to give it up
for Comedy Central, give it up for Viacom,
give it up for your director,
David Paul Meyer.
[cheers and applause]
Give it up for all the amazing people
that have kept us safe tonight,
every person that has kept your mask on.
All the stuff. Please.
And--and one last thing.
I--this has been so important to me.
It's been one of the most important things in my life.
I grew up watching Comedy Central.
I grew up watching specials.
And so now to have one is absolutely insane.
It's--it's a dream come true, and you were all part of that.
And I wanna thank you so much for being here
and for being part of it.
You mean the world to me. You really do.
And honestly,
if last year taught us anything,
it is to do whatever it is that you want.
Whatever it is, if you think you can't do it,
if you think you won't be able to do it, you will eventually.
You just give it time, and--and I promise you,
if you don't give up,
I promise you you can make things happen, okay?
A couple people have said that I inspired them to do comedy
and everything, but I hope I can inspire you
to do whatever it is that you want.
So important, especially now.
Life is precious,
and it's not promised, you know?
I've had people ask me
what I feel like my life would be like
if I didn't follow my dreams, you know?
If I didn't get on a plane from Louisiana
and move to Chicago to start doing comedy
and just be dirt poor and doing open mics,
until I--I finally got comfortable in Chicago
and then I was scared to move to New York,
but I did that too.
And people asked me what--what I think my life would be like
if--if I didn't get on those planes,
if I didn't take those chances,
if I didn't meet Trevor Noah.
And I have to tell them
I guess we'll never know.
Thank you so much. You guys have a great night.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
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