Downloaded from YTS.MX
(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] Many things have to come together
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
to make a delicious pizza.
You need fresh ingredients handled
with care by skilled hands.
And don't forget the most important ingredient of all,
the finest marijuana known to man, Jamaican goddess.
The goddess becomes purified
and liquified until it's just right.
That's right.
It's in the sauce, bitch. (record scratching)
- Listen, slut, I can call you that, right?
- Your fucking face is like a car accident.
It's just so grotesque and tragic
but I cannot fucking stop looking away.
- Fuck you, bitch! - Oh!
- [Narrator] This is Ariel
and today's her first day at Phu King Pizza.
- Oh hell no! - Oh, hey!
(chairs rumbling)
(mellow music)
- Hi.
Welcome to Phu King Pizza.
I'm Gus.
I'm the manager. (celery crunching)
So our business is growing faster
than we could have ever expected.
And we need a little bit of help around here.
You have to be able to adapt to all kinds of things here.
We go through everything.
Wanna test your problem solving skills.
Dammit, come on, get in there!
Say you're stranded on a desert Island.
A little bit of food, probably gonna die
and you actually are gonna die really soon.
You got a boat, but it's a piece of shit.
What you gonna do to get off that Island?
- Well, first, probably get on the boat.
- You're gonna have to talk up.
I can not hear you. (celery crunching)
- Hi. (mellow music)
- Yeah.
(applicant farts)
You're probably gonna starve.
- Well, I would gather what I could
from the Island in order to fix the boat.
- I think I'm just gonna die, bro.
- All right, final question.
Why do you want to work at Phu King Pizza?
- Weird, I already work here.
What's a matter with you? (celery crunching)
- Are you kidding me? For the free pizza, man.
So I can get fucked up every night.
- Well, I, I think pizza makes everyone happy
and I mean everyone says that you guys have the best pizza
out there and I just, I think it'd be fun to work here.
- Well, I can go with my instincts on this one.
I got a hunch.
Ariel, I know you've never had a job before
but I'm gonna give you a chance.
Can you start tomorrow?
(upbeat music)
(alarm clock buzzing)
(shoe slapping)
- What the fuck dad?
Get your crotch out of my face.
- [Dad] Hey, I'm up.
You should be up too.
Learn it, let's go.
(upbeat music) (buttons clicking)
- Good morning, sleepy head.
- Hey.
- Are you hungry, sweetie?
- I'm good, thanks. - Yeah?
- Yeah, I'll just have some coffee.
- I'm gonna make you some coffee.
- Okay.
'Sup?
- [Stepmom] Here you go, sweetie.
- Thanks.
- Sweetie, it's been three months since the wedding,
you can call me mom.
- Right, mom.
It's not weird at all.
(hand slapping) Ow!
So, still looking for work?
- Yeah, absolutely.
And once I find a job, you can go back to college.
My son, the doctor.
- I like that.
- Anyway, I don't know,
I might change majors when I go back.
I was thinking of switching to botany.
- Oh no son.
You don't wanna be that kind of doctor.
Olga had that down to her face
and she can't express emotions anymore.
Before she was all natural, and now she's all stiff.
- I think you're talking about Botox.
Botany is the study of plants and who the hell,
who the hell's Olga?
- Olga was a town whore back home.
- Yep, all right, well, I gotta go guys, so, catch ya.
- Bye.
- Okay, thanks for showing up today guys.
I know you're gonna have some questions for me
but please try and hold, save for the end.
I know it's very confusing,
it's a big deal, but you guys just wait till the end, okay?
First of all, what's your name?
- I'm Will. - I'm Chad.
- Okay, Chad and Will.
- I'm Chad that's Will.
- Are you sure?
Oh, oh, okay.
- Am I sure what?
- That's your name? Chad?
I never met nobody with-
- Right, right, right.
- Chad and Will.
Today is gonna be kinda like an audition.
This is a big deal.
I want you guys to know that both of you are gonna get paid
for today, but only one of you can keep your job,
kinda like an audition, okay?
You guys are gonna be battle royaling
for your lives and your jobs.
Whoever does the best job gets to stay.
You got a job for the rest of your life
here at Phu King pizza. (Chad laughing)
- Okay? - Bam!
Huh, huh, huh? - Oh, hell no.
- Phu King bullshit marketing plan is this?
- Best Phu King marketing ever.
Go do your job, see what you can do to make it happen.
Impress me, guys, I'm gonna be watching you
throughout the day.
I wanna see some serious spinning guys.
Fucking idiot amateurs.
(water running)
(pots clanging)
(lady speaks in foreign language)
- I don't know.
- Yes, mom, I'm up.
Hi, I love you too by the way.
(lady speaks in foreign language)
Can you tell her to relax please?
- Phu, calm down. (speaks in foreign language)
(lady speaks in foreign language)
- Man, what's her problem?
- Does she know about your money problem?
- I told you, dad, I got that taken care of, okay?
I just had to change some things around,
but it's all good now.
- I hope so, Thomas,
I know about you, you're gonna shut me down.
- I got this, all right?
All right.
That dough looking kinda dry, dad,
you might wanna add some cream or I don't know.
Siri, call me daddy.
- [Siri] Okay, but I already call you daddy, daddy.
- Hell yeah.
- Hey, do I know you? - No.
- Lucero, the milkman.
- No, that's not me. - Yeah.
Do your fucking job! (man barks)
- What the fuck?
- Do your fucking job, bitches.
- Oh, hell.
That was one scary fuck, just. - Yes.
- Motherfucker, I got kids and shit on my head later.
(curious music)
- Hey, Gus. - Hey, what's up, my homie?
- Gus, we've been over this man.
Can't just go around and call someone homie all right?
Not unless you're in a gang. - Right.
Sorry. So I hired a new trainee.
Why don't you go train? - Seriously?
- Yeah, she's over in the dining room.
Just show her the ropes.
Go slow with her though.
This is her first job.
- Her first job? - Yeah.
- Why would you hire someone with zero experience, man?
- I had a feeling she'd be a good addition
to the team, you know?
- I guess.
- Damn you.
Damn you straight to hell,
don't fucking question me, asshole.
(romantic music)
- So, you're the new hire, huh?
- Yeah, hi, I'm Ariel.
- Oh, hi.
I'm Anthony.
I'm the assistant manager here.
And I'll be the one training you today.
- Okay. - Yeah.
So Ariel like the like "The Little Mermaid?"
- Yeah, my parents were huge fans of the movie.
- Ah, like it. - Thanks.
- So is it fucking pizza?
- It's a, it's actually pronounced Fu King, Phu King Pizza.
But, I mean it's cool,
people do that all the time, it's whatever, you know?
- So, what's first boss?
- Just have you scrubbing toilets for the rest of the day.
You know?
It's basically what you'll be doing every day forever.
I'm fucking with you. - Okay.
- That's cool.
No, I'm just gonna take you out back
and introduce you to, to the rest of the team.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Cool. - Yeah, so let's,
let's pull out, you know, let's dance, let's.
("Jones Dub" by Common Jones)
Yeah, and the dustbins for the trash is back over there.
And, oh, what's up guys?
Speaking of trash.
- 'Sup. - 'Sup, dog, 'sup, dog.
Oh everybody, this is our newest team member.
This is Ariel. - Hi.
- Ariel, this is our notorious
and infamous delivery driver group.
This is Jasmine.
Charlie.
That's that's Cujo.
- Why do they call you Cujo?
- Glad you asked.
They call me Cujo because I only like to do it doggy style,
exclusively doggy style.
I also tend to foam at the mouth when I'm about to cum.
Psh.
- You fucking dip shit.
Have some manners.
- What? She asked.
- Stupid. ♪ Yeah ♪
- It's relaxing, therapeutic because you know,
My mom says it's good for facial.
(Gus humming)
- Morning, Thomas. - Hey, fuck you, Gus.
- Asshole. ♪ Less of the world ♪
(door squeaking)
- What's up, freaks?
- Oh, hello, sucker.
- How's it going, dog?
- How are you? How are you?
- Man, nope, you know what? Don't touch me.
I don't know where your hands have been, bro.
Oh, hello.
King, Thomas King.
And who might you be a cutie pie?
- Ariel. - You called dibs already?
That's not fair, I just got here.
- Oh man, stop screwing around.
All right, do we have a deliveries today?
Ariel, would you mind heading inside with them?
- Yeah. - Yeah,
I just, I need a second with Thomas.
- Okay.
(crate crashing) - Hey, baby.
♪ What type of the girls on the dance floor ♪
♪ Never like a sideway note ♪
(upbeat salsa music)
- Jamaican goddess.
- What the fuck, dude?
You gotta smell everything?
- Stop acting like a bitch to me, Jasmine.
- Don't call me a bitch.
- I didn't call you a bitch.
I said stop acting like a, bitch.
Man, what's your problem?
Ah, Jasmine, we only hooked up one time.
We were both stoned off our asses, come on.
Now technically speaking, you raped me
with your hungry hole and I liked it, but that doesn't mean
that you and I, come on now, girl.
- Fucking call me a girl.
You know, Cujo, shut the fuck up,
or I'm gonna throw your hairy ass into the oven.
- Fuck you! - You!
(pans clanging) Dick weed.
- Hey! - Okay, okay.
What's the name of the pizza again?
- [Cujo] Fuck you in your neck, Charlie!
- Are you sure that's what it's called?
No, no, no, I got it, please, hey.
- Hey, how can we help you? - Hi.
- This may sound stupid to you guys,
'cause it does to me, but my boss just told me
to order three space pizzas.
- No, they're actually called astronaut pizzas,
but your boss is quite right, they're very popular pizzas.
Three of 'em coming right up.
- Thank you so much.
Hey, what's your name?
- Ariel. - Hi Ariel.
Nice to meet you.
Did you ever see that one movie?
There was a mermaid in it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- That'd be $75.
- Sweet, here you go.
- Thank you sir.
- Gus, can I say one thing?
Your hairdo looks like it's from space.
- All right, thank you.
I appreciate that, you're very kind.
- One for you.
And one for you. - Thank you.
- Should probably use that towards a haircut, pal.
Thanks, Firefly.
- Yeah, you might want it back to go buy a personality.
- I think your hair looks nice.
- Thank you Ariel.
Thank you. - I mean, sometimes.
- And she's like, "You can go ahead
and eat the booty if you want."
I'm like, "We just met", you know,
and it was after the club.
So we're all sweaty and she's all-
- Neh. - Neh.
Nah. - Man.
- I only ever do that for people
that like I care about, you know?
- I've always wondered what booty tastes like.
- Not like groceries, I'll tell you that much.
(suspenseful music)
Hey, what the fuck?
- What's up?
- Are you fucking with me?
- No man, what's wrong?
- It's gone.
- The money? - No, your herpes medication.
Yes, the money, look.
Who could have taken the money?
- I, but you,
you think it was someone here?
- No, no way.
Gus isn't even that stupid.
- Security cameras,
security cameras would have caught it.
- That's not gonna, I didn't.
I never got the security cameras fixed.
- Why the hell not bro?
- I just, I never got around to it, dude, okay?
- Okay.
So we owe 20 grand to Playa Playa,
man that once killed his own uncle
over $20 and we don't know who stole the money?
- What the hell we gonna do?
- I mean, we, we don't tell anyone what happened
and we act normal for now until we,
until we figure something out.
- Well, we've better figure something out quick, dude.
'Cause Player, Player doesn't play.
That sounds stupid when you say it out loud.
- Does, does sound pretty stupid, but you're right, man.
He doesn't mess around.
He could actually kill us.
- Man, I don't know.
Last I heard he doesn't do that gangster shit anymore,
'cause he's legit now.
- So maybe he'll like give us a chance to pay it off
over time or something, you know,
like a payment plan.
- No, we're, we're dead.
- Good morning, thank you for calling Phu King pizza.
This is Phu King Gus, how can I phu King help you?
- I come here to be a great chef,
in my country, chef is like king.
- Where are you from?
- Slaw?
He's from one of those weird sounding ones.
Hoobastand, Shrekistan, Sasquatchestan, Chewbaccaville.
- [Gus] Thank you for calling Phu King Pizza,
this is Phu King Gus,
how can I Phu King help you?
- No, no, no, no.
My country is not weird.
You are weird.
- All right guys, it's about that time, y'all ready?
(all laughing) Hey, it's time, come one,
get me out. - Pizza, pizza,
Phu King, Phu King, Phu King, Phu King, Phu King
Phu King, Phu King- - Ah, come on, man.
- Gus, nice try.
- Asshole.
- Weird. (suspenseful music)
- Stay cool in there man. - I'm not gonna go crazy.
(doors banging) I'm chilling, man.
All I know is
that shorty motherfucker better not say shit to me.
I'ma beat his ass. - Thomas,
you can't even fight.
- Man, he don't know that.
I can fake it.
All I gotta do is hit some crazy kung fu stance.
Ooh, everybody gets scared
when an Asian man hits that stance.
Anyways, I say we go in.
- Whatever. - I can-
- Just chill, okay? - All right.
Hey, watch out!
Oh, okay. - Relax, you're good.
- Welcome gentlemen. - Hey.
- This way. - Okay.
So, you single?
- I'm not, stop flirting with me.
See, man, you gotta be careful with these girls, man.
- Gentlemen.
- What's up fellas?
Playa Playa, this is a nice room, man,
I haven't seen this one
- And you still haven't seen it, homeboy.
You see what the fuck I let you see, all right?
- It's a cool beanie, man.
- Yeah. It's 'cause I believe in the both of you
- Thank you.
- Business been good, yeah?
Where's the payment?
- That's actually what we came here to talk
to you guys about.
- What's up? Talk.
- Look man, we don't have the money all right?
We got robbed.
- Bullshit, you got robbed.
- Come on Shorty, you know I won't lie
about something like this.
- Boys Playa Playa doesn't wanna hear excuses.
I had to kill his own cousin last week
because he stole some money.
- Hey Shorty, I forgot to tell you about that, man.
My cousin wasn't the one who did it.
Family is pretty pissed off.
Make sure they get a card, says my bad on it.
Put some flowers in there.
- Flowers, got it.
- Thank you.
- Look, we're being real with you, okay?
We don't have the money, but we can get it though.
- When?
- Couple of weeks.
- Couple of weeks, huh?
- Yeah. (Playa Playa laughs)
That's funny. - Yeah.
(all laughing)
Yeah, it's couple weeks. - Yeah.
(all laughing)
- Man.
- Yeah. (speaks in foreign language)
(all laughing) - Shut the fuck up!
Let me tell you guys something, all right?
You guys don't tell me when you're gonna get it.
I tell you when you're gonna get it, all right?
You guys have my money
or else you won't see the other side
of Shorty you don't wanna see.
- I promise to make it slow and painful.
You'll be begging me to shuffle off your mortal coil.
- Shuffle off my whole,
you trying to touch my dick, Shorty?
- Shh. - Hey!
Let me translate what the fuck he said in simple English.
You guys don't have the money, he'll kill you.
- Kill us?
Look, man, we were hoping that like,
you had left that whole part
of your life behind, the killin' part,
'cause you are, you're a business man now, right?
You're professional now.
(Playa Playa laughs)
- Ah, you're cute, man. I am professional.
That's exactly why it's not personal.
Business is business.
You guys better have my 20 large by tonight
or I'll fucking have you both killed and that's it.
- Coming inside?
- Not yet.
- All right, well,
I have to get back on the floor.
Supposed to be training Ariel, so.
See ya, man.
- We about to die soon
and this man got pussy on the brain.
I'm so proud.
- - yes, I'll take one severe, please.
- [Gus] Great, that'll be $25.
- All right, thank you. - All right, thank you.
Have a good one.
Come back and see us.
Anthony, hey. - What, Gus, man, the hair.
- Oh, sorry.
Where's Thomas? - He's out back.
(dogs barking) (western music)
- I'm gonna do it.
Hey, Shorty,
man, what was all that shuffling coil talk
shit earlier, man?
- It's from Shakespeare's "Hamlet."
- Wow!
Shakespeare, you art the artist of hard to understand, man.
- It's not hard to understand.
Shakespeare is very beautiful and shit.
I like it.
You never know, I may become an actor one day
and perform Shakespeare.
(both laughing)
Did I say something funny?
- No, Shorty. - No, nothing funny at all.
- I didn't think so.
I must say I'm in a mood today.
Those two pizza boys are dead
no matter what Playa Playa says.
- Yo, Playa Playa say we can't just kill 'em,
then we can't just go over there in the store,
blasting everybody away, taking brains out of people heads.
- By my sword, I swear there is no power in the tongue
of man to alter me.
Oh, come on, nothing? That's from "The Merchant Of Venice."
- I knew that shit, I knew it, Shorty, I got you.
- I knew that. - Shh.
I feel like leaving an ominous message
for our two favorite pizza guys.
- What, ominous, ominous? - Is that,
Is that like giving them a note of something, Shorty?
♪ Come to the show, then you know what I mean ♪
♪ Big cloud in the back ♪ (hand slapping)
- What, mom, I wasn't-
(mom speaks in foreign language)
Okay. (speaks in foreign language)
Okay!
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- [Client] Thanks for the straight pepperoni.
- Oh damn.
- Who's that?
- Sir Thomas's parents, yeah, they own Phu King.
This place is named after his mom.
They actually own the business,
but gave it to Thomas to run.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Hello, Mr. and Ms. King.
Nice of you to join us today.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Nice to see you, Gus, how's business?
- Oh, business is very good.
over the last couple months.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- How's Thomas been doing?
- Thomas, Thomas, Thomas has been great.
He's very, very pleasure to work for.
He allows me the space I need to run a tight ship.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- She says, "Thank you for your hard work, Gus."
- You're very welcome, thank you, thank you.
- She seems nice. (Anthony scoffs)
- Yeah.
She actually just called Gus an idiot.
(Thomas yells)
- Hey, dad. - Hi, Thomas.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- For what?
(mom speaks in foreign language)
Mom, things are better, okay? Just trust me.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Yeah, but it's only by like one month this time
instead of four or five, like before.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- You know, we used to do million dollar worldwide deals,
working with the most powerful.
And we took what we wanted.
Now look at us,
look at us, playing with pizza.
For chum change.
(Shorty sighs)
you know, for whatever reason, Playa Playa has a soft spot
for that stupid pizza joint.
And honestly, I don't give a shit what Playa Playa says.
It ends today.
- But we work for Playa Playa, right?
- Yeah, if he finds out, I mean,
you know how he is, Shorty.
Who's gonna deal with that? (suspenseful music)
- Well, tell me then what would you have me do?
(gun firing)
Seek for the patronage of some great man
and like a creeping vine and a tall tree crawl upward
where I cannot stand alone?
No thank you.
Eat a toad for breakfast every morning,
make my knees callous
and cultivate a supple spine
while my belly groveling in the dust?
No thank you.
Shall I labor night and day and build a reputation
on one song and never write another?
No thank you.
No, I thank you.
And again, I think.
(Shorty screams) (suspenseful music)
- Are you kidding me?
What the?
What are they fucking doing?
No. Are you serious? (suspenseful music)
(knocking at door)
- Come on in.
- All right.
- Just put the pizza down right there.
- All right.
- So do, the astronaut pizza is 25 bucks.
- All right, oh, just a second.
There you go.
Keep the change there, baby.
- Sticky, thanks.
- Sit down and chill with me for a minute.
- All right.
- You wanna hit this shit?
- Ma'am I always have time for a smoke break.
(both laughing)
- It's not as good as that Jamaican goddess
you guys are putting in them pizzas.
But it'll knock the booboo out of you a little bit.
- This shit is good though.
(client laughs) - Thanks, man.
- Yeah, shit.
What do you know about that Jamaican goddess?
(client laughs) - Shit, girl.
The stories I could tell you.
I used to live in Jamaica.
- No way. - Yeah, when I was younger,
firmer, and a whole lot tighter.
(both laughing)
- Well, how long was it?
- Man, it was just last summer.
- Well, good for you.
- So, seriously now, you got a man?
- You don't even wanna go there.
You don't fucking wanna go there.
There's this dude.
He's disgusting.
Just fucking gross, the dumb ass and you know what?
I like him, for some fucking stupid reason, I like him.
- Love never makes no sense, dear,
- You know he pisses me off though?
I try and give him hints, you know?
Like I liked him.
Motherfucker doesn't do anything, nothing.
Clues and hints?
Shit, girl.
If you want a man, you gotta reach out and grab him.
(Jasmine roaring)
(birds chirping)
(doorbell ringing) (elevator music)
- Nice shoes.
You're not the pool guy.
- Oh, is the my Phu King pizza?
Oh, thanks. (lady moaning)
Oh.
- Dude, is that your fucking wife?
She's fucking hot.
- Yes, she's my wife.
Go get some help, pervert.
(door slamming) (elevator music continues)
- What the fuck?
Yo, chief, you're blocking me here.
- That piece of shit?
Thought it was abandoned.
Look here, Pedro, can't get past the border,
stay on your side.
This is America. (pool guy grunts)
- Whatever David Duke.
- David Duke? That's a good one.
You got me there.
- Ondalay, dude.
- I'm just trying to do a job Americans Won't do.
- Hey, you guys in the movie business?
- Sorta, used to be.
Turns out they really sucked at it.
Man, they only give you one audition.
- Oh.
- You do kinda look like that Burt Reynolds
from that "Deliverance" movie.
- "Deliverance?" Yeah, think so?
- Well, no, not really.
You know, more like rich, new friends.
Screw like a pig.
- Fuck you, man.
Whatever.
Hey, I heard them fucking pizzas got drugs in them.
- No man. - You're still here.
- There's nothing illegal here, all natural.
- Fucking stoner.
- Vamanos, man, come on.
- The astronaut's really strong,
I would suggest for first timers a silky smooth,
it's a lot more relaxed and chill, you know?
Shorty, hey, what's up man?
- Where's Harold?
- Who?
- The Chinaman.
- Oh you mean Thomas?
He's not Chinese.
He's actually more like Filipino mixed with Tai.
- I don't care what the heck, Linus,
let's go get him and have a talk.
- Okay, okay.
You should stay with Gus.
I'll be right back.
Don't worry about it.
- Hey, chill out, man! Chill. - Chill, dude!
We had an agreement!
- Man, I'm taking your ass home.
- Go, go!
- Chill out, man.
Yo, what happened, dude?
What the hell, Shorty?
You can't come up here starting shit.
Wah!
- Come on, I want you to.
- I'm half Tai, bro, I know more Tai, what's up?
- Okay, okay. (Thomas heaves)
- Dude, damn, man!
(Shorty laughs) - My problem,
your friend has a big fucking mouth, so I shut it for him.
I don't believe you boys understand the severity
of the situation.
When you don't pay Playa Playa,
you're taking food away from all this baby mamas.
People die for that shit.
Get up. Get the fuck up! (men heaving)
You, you took what was supposed to be mine.
- Man, we ain't take shit from your bitch ass.
(Thomas heaves)
- You better not even think of skipping town,
because I'll find you.
See you later.
- Oh.
Oh.
My ovaries.
Shorty's punk ass, man, I hate him.
- What'd you think was gonna happen, Thomas?
You was talking shit, dude.
All right, man,
I've got a couple of grand saved at home.
I mean, it was supposed to be for college
but can't go to college if I'm dead.
How about you?
- If I empty out my accounts and then sell some of my stuff,
I'll probably get like another five GS on top of it.
- If we take the roughly like I dunno like two grand,
two, yeah, $2,000 that we made today in sales,
I think that's, shit, dude, we're still 10 grand short.
- Oh my God, we're fucked.
- Think maybe your parents can lend us some money?
- Hah! Dude, no, oh shit, my parents!
I forgot I'm supposed to get lunch with them and Chenae,
my mom's been on my ass about introducing them.
- Think they're gonna flip?
- My dad will be fine, but my mom,
my mom will trip, flip, double dip, all that shit.
I'll catch up with you later, man.
(siren wailing)
- I'm stopping right now.
Pick up, pick up, Nico, Areola,
I'm at the corner of Mike Rotch and Burgundy, sir.
Pick up. (spitting)
Is there a problem, officer?
- Shut the fuck up.
Are you the guy from that fucking pizza joint?
- Yeah. It's pronounced Phu King.
- We don't care.
We ordered two two silky smooth pizzas
over half an hour ago, son.
- Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I got them right here.
- Whoa! What're you reaching for?
- Whoa! Put your hands behind your back!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
No, no, no, no, no! (cops yelling)
No, no, no! - Put your hands up!
- Freeze! You got a gun? - Please don't shoot!
Oh, oh, oh fuck! - Put your hands up!
- Just wait! - Put your hands up!
- Pulled out a gun! - Shoot him!
- Guns. (Cujo crying)
(cop laughing)
- You look so stupid right now.
- Just water.
- I peed in mine. - Gross.
Look, man, we just wanted to stop you and tell you
that we know what you guys are doing
over at that pizza joint.
- You do? - Hell yeah.
You have the best damn pizza we've ever had tasted.
- Woo!
Just some advice.
There've been a lot of local robberies at these stores.
So watch your six.
- Contact us if you need anything else.
Good day.
- Okay.
(siren wailing)
- Those guys are fucking crazy.
Patronizing me, man.
Nobody puts Cujo in the corner.
(Cujo cries)
(upbeat salsa music)
- I gotta do this right now, my Rambo's kicked me.
- What the fuck you doing?
Sit your ass down.
- You know, my Rambo's kicking right now, babe.
- Can't do this here- - This is your sliced pizza.
- Ah, thanks, sir. - There's yours,
there you go. - Yeah.
- Enjoy your trip. - Thank you so much, man.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- It's hard, man, we gotta go. - We gotta plan this shit out.
- So when we doing this? What's the plan?
- Thank you.
We gotta go deal- - We ain't doing this
like subway last week, man.
Thad boy in that makeup, that was stupid.
My skin is sensitive.
Couldn't take my cousin to the prom
'cause of the pimples from-
- All right, listen.
All right, so this is the wall right here, right?
- This wall.
- Now let's pretend it's napkin dispenser is the wall.
So put that wall right there.
- Yeah. All right. - Okay.
- The cash register, the salt, right here.
- The salt. - The cash register,
look, look, look.
- Oh, that's the salt.
- You a stupid motherfucker, dog.
- Gotcha, listening. - Yes, man.
So, at the end of the day,
so what they do is, they take the money
from the cash register to the back.
- How you know this?
- 'Cause man, the Jamaican goddess, man,
you here every motherfucking day-
- Oh yeah. - You hear the shit?
- Yeah, yes, I hear.
- I believe in this. - Okay, okay.
- They get it back.
- [ghostly Voice] The possibilities, go take a walk.
- Wow.
(heavy breathing)
- Do it properly. - Ask us to make new prices.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what're you two talking about?
Sounds like you're up to no good.
- He the feds, he the feds,
he the feds- - Come on, man, haven't you
ever had the pizza here?
The shit is out of this world.
- Ah, y'all, now hear.
- He on the astronaut! - That's what it is, yeah.
Yeah, I got you, brother.
- All right. - All right, good.
- Oh. - Holy shit,
what's, hey, you're back, hey.
- I'm back yeah. - It's a good pizza,
it's a fucking good pizza.
- This pizza is out of this world, bro.
I feel like,
I feel like, I don't know.
- [Gus] So, you're the one to watch.
- Yeah, bro, it was a amazing
Thanks for having me back, how you doing?
- [Gus] Ah, if I were any better, I'd be a twin, bro.
- Bro, if your twin has the same hairdo as you,
I'll love him too,
trust me, you're the man. - Oh, man, why.
- There you go. - Okay, thank you.
This one's yours, all right. - Perfect, thank you.
- Thank you, have a good day.
- Well, good afternoon. - Hi.
- Yeah. - You look.
What was your name again?
- I don't know.
Bill?
Yes. It's bill.
Bill I am.
Bill is me.
- What can I get you, bill?
- I need another one of those space pizzas.
That shit was out of this world.
It made me feel like Neil Armstrong.
- Do you mean an astronaut pizza?
- That one.
When I ate that thing, I felt like I landed
on the moon, ran around the ring on Saturn,
found life on Mars and then ended up on Pluto
with that other astronaut, Lance Armstrong.
- Okay, Armstrong is not a universal name for astronauts.
Do you another pizza?
- Fuck yeah, how much is it?
- $25. - Sweet, I got that.
Here you go, sister. You're the greatest.
- All right. - Nice hair.
(Bill whistles) - Fucking stoner.
Can I get one of them Lance Armstrong pizzas too?
(upbeat salsa music)
- She will be rubbing that, be rubbing shit, shit.
- Hey! - Ow!
- Why you no like Jasmine?
She very sexy woman.
♪ I'll take another like a heli-chopper ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪ - I like your red rocket.
- Oh, shit, yeah.
- Gonna show me your red rocket?
- [Cujo] Yeah.
- Or your (speaks in foreign language)?
Yeah, bot for me, motherfucker!
(both moaning)
(Jasmine speaks in foreign language)
- [Cujo] Just a little bit.
- What? Now yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Do it, you bad boy, you bad boy!
What the? (Cujo moaning)
What the, what the fuck, man?
What you looking at?
The fuck are you doing?
- What, come on!
- Have a real (speaks in foreign language) right here
and you're looking at porn?
- Gets, well, it gets me in the mood, come on.
- What mood? Just get the fuck out of my car.
- Ow! Come on.
My salami, come on.
- Yeah, your salami or yourself
out of my fucking car right now!
Out!
Doggy out! Bad boy!
- You seem like a fucking crack head.
- Fuck you!
Fucker! (Jasmine grunts)
♪ Because we feel all right♪ - Jasmine, Jasmine.
Yeah, she's cool and all, but,
but sometimes she can be a pain in the ass.
- Did you just call me a pain in the ass?
- No, no. - Seth.
- I know nothing about nothing.
- You motherfucker. - Oh, what the fuck!
Oh! (Cujo groans)
- You better not be telling nice about me.
Or I'll tell everybody how you lasted less than a minute
and ended up slobbering and foaming all over your limp dick.
Dick! - Ow.
- Is this for me? (upbeat salsa music)
- God.
I think I love that fucking bitch.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, I'm good, babe.
- Why are you so nervous? (dramatic piano music)
- Mom, but she's white!
No reason.
(Thomas exhales)
- Thomas.
- Hmm? - Are you gonna knock?
- Hey, how you doing? (knocking on the door)
(gong vibrating) - Hey!
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Mom! - Is everything okay?
- Yeah, no it's cool,
she said you're super pretty.
She's just, she's going through some things right now.
She has like ADD, she's like on her period,
her last period, she's going through menopause.
- Oh my God, should we come back when she feels?
- No, no, no, no, no, please, please come in.
Please come in.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
(Thomas laughs) - Don't be stupid mom.
Excuse me one second, you guys, okay?
- Please sit.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Ew, that's fucking gross,
why are you talking like that?
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Sorry. I put up with this everyday.
(mom speaks in foreign language)
- Thomas! - What, no!
(mom speaks in foreign language)
My pullout game is amazing, okay? Hold on.
Hello. - I teach him to pull out.
- [Anthony] I take it your mom met Chenae.
- How'd you guess? - Don't sweat it, man.
I'll send an astronaut your way.
Give me about 10 minutes.
- [Thomas] Okay?
(birds chirping)
- Oh, I thought you were another one of our guests.
I have your money inside.
You wanna come on in?
♪ Hey, hey, let's go home ♪
♪ Hey, hey, let's get fucked up ♪
♪ What, get fucked up ♪
♪ Shut down, fucked up ♪ - Pizza's here!
- [Everybody] Fucking pizza!
- Just love the name of the pizza place.
Fucking pizza, it just fits this group perfectly.
- Actually it's pronounced Phu King, but.
- it's 25, right?
- Yeah.
Are you guys-
- Swingers?
Yes.
- Wait, those actually happen?
- They do.
They actually happen.
They're a lot, a lot of fun.
- That pizza boy is hot.
I will fuck him when we're done.
- Ooh, goodie.
Care to join us?
Come on, yes you do, come on.
I have a live one! - Woo!
♪ Let's get fucked up ♪
- So mom, is this the best pizza you've ever had or what?
(mom laughing) - Oh yeah.
It's very good. (mom laughing)
- Your mom speaks English.
- Oh, yeah, she just doesn't like to
'cause she doesn't like white people.
Yeah, I know, I know. - Me neither.
(both laughing)
- Mom, so do you like my girlfriend?
- Oh, yeah.
She's very pretty.
- Oh, thank you Mrs. King.
You have a lovely home.
- Thank you.
- You know, my son look very happy lately.
- I am very happy right now. (mom giggling)
What? There's no more, I'm still hungry.
- Hey, mom, I can order another pizza, okay?
- Order two more son. - Okay, all right,
you got it, dad. (all giggling)
I love you guys.
- Oh man, it's so hot out today, huh?
- I know.
- Don't know why the hell I wear this stupid sweater
all the time. - It looks cute
on you though, so.
- Oh,
thanks. - Yeah.
So how're you liking it here so far?
- It's good, yeah. - Yeah?
- I mean, I like spending time with you.
You make things more fun.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
(both chuckling)
- Well maybe we should hang out sometime, you know,
get to know each other a little better.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd love that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- All right, cool.
- So I have a question.
What's the difference
between all the pizzas that you guys sell?
- Well, a couple of examples, we have a blast from the past
which gets people so high
that they like see their dead relatives and shit.
And then I know, I know.
And then you have the astronaut
which gets you so high, think you're up in space.
- Oh. (Ariel laughs)
So do you smoke a lot?
(inhaling) (whistle sliding)
(exhaling) - No. No.
I mean, not really.
I mean a little, a little, a little
a little more than usual, yeah, I guess you could say.
- You smoke a lot.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. - It's okay.
- Listen, I have to, I have to head out.
I have to run home for lunch.
- But just stick around for, with this for now
and then, yeah, I shouldn't be that long.
- Okay, well hurry back. - All right, cool, come on.
- Okay.
- Hey, got it.
Yeah, man. - Dude, what took you so long?
- I waited for Gus, he went in the bathroom.
- I didn't want him to see I'm taking shit.
- Man, what you doing?
You can't just dive in a pizza.
- Why not?
- This ain't no piece of plastic.
You just can't in it, this ain't no pool.
- I know what it is, all right.
- This got the Jamaican goddess up in here.
- That's right. - So you gotta pray
before you eat this pizza. - What the fuck?
- You gotta have some faith in it.
- You serious? - You, yes,
you got gotta have the Holy ghost
before you eat this pizza.
So let's do a prayer, I'ma let you start out, come on.
Let's pray before that naked mole rat come back out here.
- All right. - Come on.
- All right.
Oh, dear Jamaican goddess.
Thank you for shining your light on us.
- Well. - And giving us
these costumes and- - Well.
- giving us this appetite.
- Well. - And thank you
for making us high. - Hallelujah.
Thank you Jesus.
- Oh my God. - Oh my goodness.
- Thank you.
(both laughing)
- Once these two pizza boys miss their deadline tonight,
it'll be their last delivery.
- Hey, man, Gabby wants to know if you're hungry.
She can warm up some food for you.
- I'm not really hungry, thanks.
- You okay?
- Not really.
- What's, what's wrong.
Ah, Anthony, don't tell me, you got a girl pregnant.
- No. - Whew.
- It's not like that.
I owe a lot of money to that guy, Playa Playa.
- Damn, son.
Shit, and I hear Playa Playa doesn't play.
That sounded kinda weird.
- Yeah, when you say it out loud.
- I know I said it. - Yeah.
- Hey, you know when I look at you,
you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.
That's not what I meant.
What I meant was when I was your age I fell in love
with your mother, God, rest her soul.
She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.
And then your grandpa, he puts a shotgun in my face.
I'm like, whoa, dude, hold on, man.
I didn't screw you a goat,
(imitates bleating)
that doesn't spell (speaks in foreign language).
And if it does, prove it, better yet, check the semen on it.
It's not even mine.
As a matter of fact, I remember like it was just yesterday.
I met your mom. (voice distorts)
But it was after mass of course, it was after mass.
(voice distorts) I said, you know what,
to hell with the devil,
we're gonna get married now.
(dad chuckles)
Oh man, that's such a nice story, don't you think?
- I'm not gonna lie.
I wasn't really listening. (dad chuckles)
- Look, son, the point is,
sometimes it life, you just gotta roll with the punches.
I'm sure you'll figured something out.
(hand slamming butt)
- Okay, we gotta go.
The rolling pit, ah, dad, you are a freak.
(girl moaning)
- Yeah, behind her.
- You little fucker!
- [Cujo] Knew you'd like Cujo style, baby.
Cujo style! Yeah!
Ah,
aha,
ah, I knew you'd like Cujo style, baby, come on.
You know you love it, yeah.
- Get out!
- What? - What the fuck you doing,
man? - What?
- Gross! Ugh!
- Wait! Wait!
Fucking foot.
Hey, wait.
Wait!
I can't help it, it's a disease!
- Ugh, wipe your, ugh, fuck, gross.
- Sorry.
- You don't have to do that to yourself, man.
Just abuse yourself like that.
- I don't have the money to pay a hooker
to do it for me, come on.
(Jasmine scoffing)
Wait, where are you going?
- Fuck off!
- What about old faithful? (Cujo yelling)
Fuck!
- I hate working with stoners.
- Dammit, the fucker, Cujo, the dammit!
Cujo, what do I need to do to make you understand
that I like you?
Seriously, dude, how can I be more freaking clear?
Ugh! (Jasmine grunts)
You're crazy! Crazy. - Jasmine?
- What?
(lady laughs) - No.
That is mine. (both laughing)
What do you want? - More pizza.
How long have we been sitting here?
- Whoa, excuse me?
- Yes. - Is it tomorrow yet?
- No, but You two have been sitting here
for almost two hours. (both laughing)
- Grandpa Harry?
Grandpa, Harry, is that you?
- Aunt Chelsea
Is that really you?
- How? (both laughing)
- Did you two order blast from the past pizza?
(both laughing) - Really good,
but I need a moment.
I haven't seen my grandfather in 15 years.
And I would like to speak with him.
(both laughing) - Yes!
Hi. - Yeah,
sure, have fun.
(laughing continues)
- What's wrong?
- What is wrong?
You're asking me what's wrong.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Cujo, that is what's wrong.
- What did he do?
- What he do?
He call me hooker, a whore.
Do I look like a whore to you?
Look at me.
- Not at all.
Cujo needs a hooker, a whore, a woman of the night.
- I know.
I'm ready.
- Give the Jasmine.
Love, love is like a pizza, okay?
The crest is trust.
The sauce is communication.
Cheese, cheese is laughter.
The pepperoni, that's that good stuff.
That good lovin'.
What you wanna do is you wanna get
all of those together, okay?
You wanna put 'em in the oven, you wanna bake 'em
'til the cheese melts and that pepperoni soaks into that,
soaks into that crust.
- You wanna pin the box,
and take it out for delivery.
No, right now, you got a delivery.
- Oh.
- Awesome, thanks, Jasmine, high five.
Go get it.
- [Anthony] So dude.
- Oh, what's up doc.
Just chillin' man, trying to ease my mind,
get a tan, you know?
- So, what's up?
- Hey, what's up with you and the new girl?
- I really don't know yet.
What do you think of her?
- She seems cool, man.
Sexy, yeah. - She seems really sweet.
- Yeah. You gonna smash her or what?
- Ha! It's not like that, man.
- What you mean is not like that?
- It's different, you know?
- All right, man, well look,
whatever you do, just make sure you keep Isabella
as far away from her as you can.
That girl is a crazy psycho killer bitch.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
- Excuse me?
- Who are you?
- Excuse me.
- Ugh!
- Ariel.
- Ariel?
- Anthony, come quick, Isabella out front
and she 'cause big problems.
- Oh, Ariel like the bitch fish
from like the "Under The Sea" movie?
Oh my gosh, I thought that it, hey.
- What the hell are you doing?
Remember, you can't be coming up here.
- Why can't I be coming up here?
- Because you make Gus nervous with your crazy ass.
- I have 911 on speed dial.
- God you're a pussy.
So what up?
Are we getting back together or what?
- Or what.
- Shut your vagina, Thomas!
No, one's talking to you!
- We're not getting back together, all right?
- What?
Is it because of that bitch?
- The fuck you just call me?
- Hey, don't call her that.
- Did you get in her panties yet?
- It's her first day.
- Yeah, like I said, did you get in her panties yet?
She looks like the type that gives it away.
This girl had dick for breakfast.
(Thomas laughs)
Come on, baby, you know I can't get over you.
(explosion rumbling) - What have you done?
What've you done?
- Was it worth liking her picture?
(Isabella giggles)
- You know, the best way to get over somebody is to get
under somebody, bruh,
and she smashed everybody on the block.
- Can it, Thomas!
Oh, I'll take my heel off and I'll shove it so far!
Why don't you wanna be with me?
- Seriously? You cheated on me like 14 times.
- 17.
- Seriously, dude? - Yeah bro.
I have it marked every day in my calendar
for every time that you called me up crying like a bitch
because she cheated on you.
Trust me, Isabella is a lying, dirty, funky, diseased ho.
- Shut the hell up.
Go smoke a Dick.
- I learned how to do it from watching you.
- What?
- That didn't sound right.
- Look, you need to go, all right?
Gus, call 'em now.
- You need to stop staring 'cause I will kick your ass.
- Try it. - Ladies, come on.
- Man, let 'em go. - Thomas.
- Listen, slut, I can call you that right?
Your fucking face is like a car accident.
It's just so grotesque and tragic
but I cannot fucking stop looking away.
- Fuck you, bitch.
- Oh! - Oh, hell no!
- Let her come at me!
(chaotic yelling)
- Get out of here, now!
- You're on a death watch!
- You're not gonna do shit, bitch!
- Fuck you, asshole!
Best Phu King pizza, my ass.
- Cops are on their way!
- Yeah.
- She is like sexy in a crazy way.
(everyone applauding)
- Hey, Gus, call the cops back man, tell 'em not to come.
- I never called 'em, I was bluffing.
(door squeaking)
- Hey guys, hey, hey, hey!
Listen, we need y'all in the office
for a quick safety meeting, all right?
You too, Seth.
Guys, y'all remember how we almost got shut
down a while back, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- But no matter how bad things got Thomas made sure
all of us got paid on time without fail.
Part of our deal with Playa Playa is
that we pay him 20 grand every month
for using his Jamaican goddess.
But last night someone stole our payment money.
- Don't look at me.
I didn't do it.
- I didn't do it either. - It wasn't me, man.
- Hey, what about Gus?
- Man, we all know Gus is too stupid
to try something like that.
Bottom line is me and Anthony gotta pay
up by midnight tonight or we get dealt with.
(Cujo laughs) - Holy shit.
I'm working with two dead guys.
- Shut the fuck up. - Ow!
- Boom. - Okay. Okay.
I thought Playa Playa was all legit now.
- So did we.
Look Thomas and I put our money together
and if I take the roughly four grand that we've made today
in sales, that puts us at about 16
but we're still four short.
- We are dead.
- Look, this is our fault, all right?
If things go bad, it's on us.
And if you guys wanna bail, we completely understand.
- I have about $200 saved up at home.
It's yours if you want it, man.
- Thank you, man, thank you. - Thank you.
- I have about 400.
- That's awesome, thank you. - Thank you.
- What? I got nothing, zilch.
All my porn subscription sites are expensive.
- You have a fucking problem, dude, you know that?
- That's okay, all right?
That gives us 600 more, right?
That means we're only $3,400 short.
Load up all your deliveries.
Remember to bring money in on the way back.
Thomas, you and me. - All right.
(edgy rock music)
(cat screeching) (edgy rock music continues)
- Phu King Pizza!
- Phu King Pizza.
- Good night, papa. (edgy rock music continues)
(boxes rumbling) (edgy rock music continues)
(cash register dinging) (edgy rock music continues)
(Cujo yelling) (edgy rock music continues)
- Woo! (edgy rock music continues)
- What's up?
Ah! (edgy rock music continues)
- I can bite you, come on now. (edgy rock music continues)
- A blowjob from a babe with three nipples.
My papa's gonna be so proud.
Yeah!
- Okay, send Thomas, put in a lights out, nice.
(edgy rock music continues)
(both yelling) - Oh, oh my God.
We have 10 more pizzas to make.
- No, no, don't, no, no more.
No more!
(Chad laughing) - Yeah,
I've got this sign all day.
- I can't even see it.
- Okay guys, listen up.
Chad. - I'm Will, he's Chad.
- Yeah, I'm Chad and that's Will.
- Whatever.
Look, today was really, really bad, guys.
- What? - What?
Hey.
What, our shit was solid.
- Yeah.
- You're kidding me, right?
- No, man, sign spin is a lot harder than you think.
- All right, you're joking, it's not hard at all.
- Have you ever tried it?
- No.
- Well, you should try it 'cause it's pretty hard.
- I don't have to,
I don't want, I don't have to try it, okay? I'm a manager.
See that? It says Gus, manager.
I'm the boss here, okay? - Okay.
- And you guys suck.
- You suck.
- [Chad] You must be blind.
- Look, you guys did horrible today, shitty.
- So, which one of us got the job?
- Neither one of you got the job.
I'm not hiring you, either one
of your sorry asses. - Man, that is fucked up, man.
- I had to wear this stupid shit all day for nothing?
- Hey, hey. - You said you was gonna hire
one of us.
- Well, you said one of you guys were gonna
actually work, okay? - Old naked mole rat.
- Turn your uniforms in, gimme your sign.
I'll be inside.
Thank you and goodbye.
(upbeat salsa music)
- Cujo, why is everyone in such a rush?
- I don't know nothing from nothing,
but we gotta come up with $3,400
or else Playa Playa's gonna kill Anthony and Thomas.
- Okay, Who's Playa Playa
and why is he gonna kill Anthony and Thomas?
- See, this is what happens
when Cujo doesn't release his cracking, you know,
they got me all running around,
a dog cannot release his nut,
Jasmine's all pissed off at me.
She wants me to go to sex therapy, fuck.
- Answer my question
or I swear to God I will kick the testicles
clean off your body. (Cujo whimpers)
(upbeat salsa music)
- You know, two dead guys, man,
that's like more money for us.
- Fucking kidding, man? - It's our space.
- Yeah, they're our friends, dude, what the fuck?
- Not my problem. - Fuck are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
- You know what? We should all throw our tip money.
Just for today, you know, just in case.
- No, I can't give my tip money.
I got monthly porn sites to pay, come on.
- For fuck's sake, Cujo, you know what?
If you give your tip money, I'll have sex with you.
All right?
- What is there to think about dude?
Get that boom, boom pow.
- But like paying Jasmine is like calling Jasmine my whore,
which is sexy and all, but.
- You motherfucker! - What?
- If you had half of a brain in that thick skull of you,
you will realize that I fucking like you,
you stupid (speaks in foreign language).
- Not okay, see, man.
- Hey, what's up? I'm back.
Need some help?
- I need to talk to you, but not out here.
- Okay.
What's up, what's wrong?
- Cujo told me that you were gonna be killed
because some drug dealer guy with a stupid name.
- Playa Playa isn't even a drug dealer anymore.
Wait, Cujo told you about that?
- That foamy mouthed, disg, ooh man, I should stick my foot
up his ass, but he'd probably like it.
- Why aren't you just asking me?
- Why should I have to tell you anything, huh?
This is your first day.
You know what, I don't even have time
for this right now, okay?
As you know I have a lot of pizzas to sell.
- Is he always like this?
- Don't be mad at him.
This is all my fault.
- You know, this reminds me of "Hamlet."
When sorrows come, they come not single spies,
but in battalions. (thug crying)
What's wrong with you?
- He read the end of "Romeo And Juliet."
- Everyone dies, Shorty.
And they were just kids, man.
- Man, see, I told him not to ruin it for me.
- I ruined it? I ruined shit, man.
- Yeah, you just told me how- - Yeah, but don't listen.
- Like, how am I gonna end that tootie, tootie
in my fucking ears? - Oh man, you'd say
you ain't gotta hear it. - You, shut up!
You should shut up and just drink this.
(mellow salsa music)
(phone ringing)
- What's up bro?
- Yeah. Can you do me a favor?
Can you meet me at the docks?
We're going down and I don't wanna get blazed
with you one last time.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm here bro.
Yeah. I'll see you in 10 minutes.
Okay.
- You look beat, are you okay, Seth?
Hey, at least you don't have to deal
with these crazy ass customers out there.
Can't be that bad back here in the kitchen.
- I make all pizza all day.
I pee myself 'cause I don't even go to bathroom.
- Well go to the bathroom now, I could, go.
- In my country we don't leave job unfinished.
- I can finish this for you, just go.
- No! You no touch my pizzas.
I break your fucking arm up to elbow.
Go, comb that fucked up hair or something like that.
- Fine, you do it, asshole.
Don't piss yourself anymore, that calls for violation.
(gentle guitar music)
- [Thomas] 'Sup, man?
- 'Sup?
(Thomas sighs)
- It's one hell of a mess, huh?
- Yeah.
- Look, man, this, this is on me, all right?
If I hadn't messed everything up at the pizza joint already,
we wouldn't even be in any of this mess if I hadn't-
- Bro, hey, this isn't all on you, okay?
I mean there's no way you coulda expected someone to rob us.
That's some bullshit.
- Still man, my parents put me in charge.
And look what happened.
We're gonna be dead in a couple hours.
I'm just, I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this.
I just, you know, I should've listen, man.
- Bro, I've known you pretty much my entire life, you know?
I mean, you're the one who convinced me to try weed
for the first time, you remember that, you know?
I mean, if we die tonight, we're going down together, man.
Fuck that shit.
Gotcha. - Love you, bro.
- Here you go. - Last one of the night.
- Thank you, have a good night.
- Sir? - Oh, hey, what's up?
How's it going?
- Hey, I'm sorry, we're actually closing right now.
- Are you serious?
Houston, we have a problem.
I really need one of those space pizzas from earlier.
That thing is like intergalactic, mind blowing.
Isn't it you from earlier?
- I don't know, but I know another guy named Bill,
I can go get him if you want.
- No, don't do that, don't do that.
- No? - No.
So it's Bill?
- Oh wait, it is Bill. (Bill laughs)
What's your name?
- I'm Ariel.
- Ariel, wow.
You're like that princess from the movies.
You even look like her a little.
- You know, Bill, you look so different from this morning.
You know these pieces have like really strong weed in them.
Like really, really strong. - What?
That's fucking awesome.
I'll take 10.
- No, see, Bill, we're closing.
- Huge bummer, dude. - I know.
- What?
I will make you my weed princess Ariel from the movies.
- That's actually not a thing.
- Oh, have a good one kid.
- Okay.
- Yo, Shorty,
now why are we always watching this place, Shorty?
because I said so and who the hell are you to question me?
- Why you always got to be upsetting the man, bro?
- Man, I just asked him a question, all right?
- Yeah, but don't ask stupid questions.
- How the fuck am I supposed to know what's stupid
and not stupid? - It's common sense, bro.
- So now I'm the stupid motherfucker
for not knowing the difference.
- I ain't calling you stupid.
I said your questions- - well it sounds
like you're fucking calling me stupid.
- No, I said your question was stupid.
- Not knowing the difference, right?
I didn't say that shit. - Well, you, it sounds like-
- Yo, both of you shut up,
before I bounce both your heads off the wall.
(knocking on door)
- Anthony! - Damn, bro.
That's crazy Isabella, dude.
- Yo.
- Yo, I ditched her crazy ass one time, bro,
I thought she was gonna cut my dick off
after some other chick texted me.
- Yo, you hit that too, bro?
- Bro, come on, who hasn't?
- Crazy bitch killed my fish, man.
Yo, I loved that fish, man.
- Man, who the fuck does that, bro?
- I don't fucking know.
- Shorty, is that you?
You son of a bitch!
- Shorty- - That's enough, let's go!
Let's go. (suspenseful music)
- Never leave a dog behind with his fucking full load,
'cause his balls will explode.
Shit, you two looked blazed.
Got any left for me?
- Man, shut up.
All right? You're in no position to be asking for shit.
- What did I do?
- He knows you told me.
- But it wasn't my fault.
- Man, shut up Cujo or I'll mess you up SA.
- Bitch, I'll bite your dick off.
- Bitch, you know you want this dick in your mouth?
- Man, both of you shut up, all right?
Let's just go see how much money we have.
(melancholic music)
- Come on. (speaks in foreign language)
- Yeah, there it is. - Take it in deeper.
- I can't go any further.
- [Woman] Feels good?
- I don't know if I like it.
I like it. - I knew you'd like it.
- It's starting to hurt. - Pull your tongue for two.
- Yeah, yeah, it's in, oh yeah.
Oh. - Oh yeah.
- Gus, what the fuck?
- What're you guys doing here so late?
- You know what those things are?
They're meant to head up your ass!
- Nothing!
- Daddy's here, baby, show me that sweet.
- Hey, who are you and what did you do with Charlie?
(woman moaning)
- Hey, man, my eyes have been opened
to a whole new world. - Yeah, whatever.
Let's just do this.
- Well, what about- - Who cares, man?
All right, just do it.
(dramatic music)
- Christ on a bike, what's all that money for?
- It's long story, Gus.
Seriously man.
Okay, that's 10.
- No way.
- How short are we?
- We have $20,175, oh shit, man, we did it.
- What? - We did it!
- Oh, you did good! (upbeat music)
(knocking at the door) - Oh, we're closed!
(knocking continues)
We are closed!
(knocking continues)
I said we're fucking closed!
(knocking continues) - Dammit, I'll handle it.
- Handle it, dog.
- Dou feel better?
- Yeah.
- I threw in $800 from my savings account.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- You didn't have to do that.
- No, I wanted to.
Besides you owe me a date.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
(door opening) - Some of the last.
- Guys. - Ooh, shit fucking jazz.
Yes, I told you this place was vacant, baby.
- Yeah, you did say that shit,
your eyes are so big. - Put your cargo wearing ass
over there, put the damn money in the bag!
- Man, I ain't giving you shit.
- Oh. He say he ain't giving me no shit?
- I think he said- - Man it's so unfair.
- Look, you got two choices,
you can either put the cash in the bag
or you can give me that ass, sweetie.
- Man, what's going on with you?
- Pop off, man.
- Pop one? - Pop off.
- Two or one?
- Pop the fuck up. (gun firing)
- Shit, all you had to do is ask nicely, God.
And say please.
- And don't nobody fucking call the fucking police either.
- You took your mask off. - What the fuck?
- Yeah. - Get the fuck outta here.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, fuck the police!
Get the fuck out of here. - I penned your name.
- Ugh, did we just get robbed
by terrible hip hop cover artists?
- Dammit, man.
- They're gone.
I can't see 'em anywhere.
- Fuck. - Freaking gangsters.
- Who cares, man?
- What the hell are you doing man?
What're you doing?
- If I'm gonna die, I'm not dying sober.
- Why are you talking about dying?
- Hey, you know what? Forget all that.
How long have you been jacking off in my office, Gus?
- Four months. - Every day?
- Yeah.
- Dude, if we survive today, I'm firing you, okay?
- But I had the best intentions.
I, you wouldn't get the camera fixed
so I installed a motion detector camera.
And you know, I figured I'd use a channel on my girlfriend.
- Last week I thought somebody dropped a glaze donut
on my carpet.
Turns out the stain is from your dick juice?
- I said, I was sorry.
What do you want from me?
- Kiss my ass, Gus. - Wait, hold on, hold on.
Did you just say that the web camera records
once the motion detectors have been activated?
- Yeah, I can pull it up on my computer
or my phone either or.
- Dude, pull it out right now!
- Guys, come on. - Follow you.
- [Gus] Come on.
What are you guys looking for?
- Let me see that.
Who the fuck is that?
- Shit, man, it was Shorty this whole fucking time.
- Boy, I'm gonna break my foot off in his asshole.
- Does this still mean I'm fired?
(knocking at the door) (suspenseful music)
- What's up man?
- What's up fellas?
Looks like we meet again, huh?
Search them.
- What the hell man? - Arms up.
- Dude, language.
- Yeah, we thought we'd make it easy on you guys, man.
Where's the money?
- Look, man, we don't have your money.
- What do you mean you don't have it?
- Man, does he stutter? We don't have your money, all right?
Ow!
- [Altogether] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Look, we got robbed, okay? Again.
- You two idiots must take us for fools, huh?
Either you two pieces of shit are fucking liars
or you guys just got the worst luck in hell.
Which one is it?
- Look, man, we know Playa Playa doesn't play, okay?
(Playa Playa laughs) Player, Player, man,
still using that name, huh?
Letting it float around.
Let me tell you something, man,
that name's not on my birth certificate, you feel me?
Every time I hear that name,
man, it gives me this touchy feeling inside, you know?
From, from the gut.
- Oh, have you ever thought
about changing it up a little bit you know?
- Yeah, actually I have, you know, I own an Island.
It's about 350 miles off the coast.
It's a nice little Caribbean spot.
Was thinking about putting in Italian restaurant.
(Shorty whispers) Yeah, whatever.
Let me tell you guys something, man.
Business is business and money's money.
- Woo.
- Been waiting all day for this.
- Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait man.
Okay, we know who stole your money, okay?
We know who stole your money.
- Who the fuck stole it then, huh?
- This karate pirate motherfucker you got
as a sidekick, that's who.
- What you talking about man, is that true, Shorty?
- Hell no.
- Dude, we have it on video.
Okay, Gus. - Right here.
- Man, get that shit, man.
- Password two, two, three, five.
- Hey, this is bullshit.
- Now, shut the fuck up, relax man.
Let me check it out for myself, man.
Push play.
What the fuck, Shorty?
- Fuck you.
That's what it's about.
You're getting soft.
My turn to run the show.
You ain't running shit, man.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Be not afraid of greatness.
Some are born great.
And some have greatness upon them.
- This is how it's gonna be, huh, Shorty?
This how want the final chapter?
Then go ahead and make your fucking move, man.
You think it's the first time I've-
- Everybody, freeze!
Get your hands up!
- See what's happened here!
- My boys! - Yeah!
- Woo, taking you to jail!
You 'bout to get raped in the butt, Shorty!
- Yeah. (western music)
- Don't worry, backup's on the way
to get the rest of your crew.
- Who's the rat who called you?
- Some anonymous tip, Cujo.
Shit, you didn't hear that, got me?
(door closes) (mellow music)
- Morning, Thomas. - Hey, fuck you.
- And Ariel, before I forget I had this made for you.
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ Get your hands up ♪
- I don't know if you've decided to stay or not
but we want you to know that you're officially part
of this crazy pizza joint family now.
And we welcome you. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I'll hold onto it. - Cherish that.
♪ Because we feel all right ♪ - I'll see y'all at the party.
- Thank you, Gus, hey, good job, man,
you really saved our asses today.
- Thank you, Anthony, later, man.
- Man, crazy first day, huh?
- A little, little bit. - Little? Oh.
- Just a little bit.
- Are you sure? (mellow music)
♪ Phu King, welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
- So then she forced my baby.
(all laughing) - Babe!
- No, but look, that's how I knew I was in love,
because it didn't stink.
- That's right, the nose knows.
- The nose knows, man, that's how you know.
- Just like the heart.
It's connected, the heart and the nose.
- How you guys doing, huh?
Mean to break it up, man, you guys having a good time?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah?
All right, all right.
Well look, I just wanna tell you guys,
my house is your house, right?
Anything you guys need, it's on me.
All right, you guys do your thing, make some babies,
catch a child support case,
do what you guys do.
- All right. - All right, have a good one.
- Thanks, Playa Playa. (girls laughing)
♪ Playa Playa don't play ♪
♪ Shorty is the heavy ♪
♪ He gonna blast the kids away ♪
♪ Always quoting Shakespeare ♪
♪ This man he wears a sage ♪
- You Thomas, got one rolled and ready to go?
- Oh man, you already know. Babe.
See, like that, like that, baby, real quick.
- You got air.
- Back that, back that.
- Gimme that shit. - Oh shit.
Oh.
Well damn.
- You said I'm not fired, right, Thomas?
- No, you're not fired, Gus,
but we're not gonna pay you to sit around
with your thumb up your asshole anymore, okay?
- Oh. - That ain't funny.
Stop it.
- And since when do you smoke?
- Just smoking my regular?
Just not on the market.
- Oh, well I guess you're not as lame
as I thought you were, man.
- Thanks Thomas.
So I was thinking, (Gus blowing)
since I, you know, I helped you guys get the money and all,
I should get a raise.
- You know I should give you a raise.
So you can buy a hairpiece.
- Ooh, I love a man with a bald head.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- What's your name?
- Morgan, what's yours?
- Gus.
- Nice to meet you Gus.
- You too Morgan.
(Anthony laughing)
- Oh damn.
- Yeah.
- Looks like they finally hooked up.
- Jesus, it's about time.
- Yeah, finally I'm getting the real thing.
- Shut the fuck up you idiot.
- Yeah, but whose idiot am I?
- You're my idiot.
(Anthony laughs)
- Get a room you two.
- Seth, take a selfie.
It'll last longer. - Damn.
- And don't jerk off.
Saskatchewan motherfucker.
- Boy, glad day is over.
- So, today was crazy, but it's only my first day.
- Does that mean you're coming back tomorrow?
- Is it gonna be like today?
- Probably.
- I feel like you're gonna talk me into it.
(foreign music) (both laughing)
(edgy upbeat music)
(edgy upbeat music continues)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ New flavor ♪
♪ True status ♪
♪ Ace, ace ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ Ace, ace ♪
♪ Now, let's get fucked up ♪
♪ I don't feel fucked up ♪
♪ Shut, get fucked up ♪
♪ Swallow, get fucked up ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ Let's go, hit foot on patrol ♪
♪ We're taking shots to the dope ♪
♪ We got the bling and the flavors ♪
♪ They got you feeling some dope ♪
♪ So go ♪
♪ Now up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up on the train girl ♪
♪ Get, get, get, get, get stoned and you can't even stand up ♪
♪ Do the fucked up dance, the fucked up dance ♪
♪ Five, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine ♪
♪ Cups in your hand, hand, hand ♪
♪ We sip, sip, sipping on their booze ♪
♪ Long island iced tea ♪
♪ We got them drinks ♪
♪ That make grenades look like a time piece ♪
♪ We pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-party 'til we fall down ♪
♪ True Status got the bottom sections 'cause we fall out ♪
♪ Now get, get, get, get crazy on the dance floor ♪
♪ Then lose control ♪
♪ Like it's your ♪ (man burping)
(man groaning)
♪ So, shall I get fucked up ♪
♪ Swallow, get fucked up ♪
♪ Let's go, hit foot on patrol ♪
♪ We're taking shots to the dope ♪
♪ We got the bling and the flavors ♪
♪ They got you feeling some dope ♪
♪ So go ♪
- [Cujo] Such a big pain in the ass.
- [Jasmine] You just called me a pain in the ass?
- Mission control, this is YY1,
come in, mission control.
Yeah, Houston, looks like you got a problem.
You're gonna have to clean your own damn pools today,
you lazy sons of bitches,
'cause I'm in space doing space stuff.
So.
- [Radio] Byron, is that you?
Goddammit, man, what's going on now?
Get back to work.
You're mangled all morning.
♪ What's wrong with all you crazy kids these days ♪
♪ Hey, what you talking about ♪
♪ All you wanna do is party and bullshit ♪
♪ You're damn right ♪
♪ Let's get fucked up ♪
♪ Bottles, get fucked up ♪
♪ Shots, get fucked up ♪
♪ Swallow, get fucked up ♪
♪ Let's go, get your foot on patrol ♪
(blowing raspberry) - Bring me my money,
bring me my money, bitch,
Bring me an audition.
Make me a movie star.
Dammit, the only thing I'm bringing you
is a big bag of space dicks.
Let's get fucking back to earth.
♪ To the dome ♪
♪ And serve the body traps, body traps ♪
♪ Don't you do nothing to beat ♪
♪ Yeah, look, I know you're dating men ♪
♪ Take shots ♪ - Weird.
I already work here.
What's the matter with you?
- You got a girlfriend? ♪ Get fucked up ♪
♪ Shots, get fucked up ♪
♪ Swallow, get fucked up ♪
♪ Let's go, get your foot on patrol ♪
♪ We're taking shots to the dome ♪
♪ We got the bling and the flavors ♪
♪ They got you feeling some dope ♪
♪ So don't ♪ - My Phu King Pizza.
(upbeat music) - That your wife? She's hot.
- Yeah, she's my wife.
Get some help, pervert.
- [Playa Playa] You guys just got the worst luck in hell.
- [Shorty] I swear there is no power in the tongue of man
to alter pain. (mellow music)
♪ Welcome to the Phu King ♪ - Oh my.
♪ Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪ - Oh, it's not even my car.
♪ Welcome you to Phu King ♪
♪ Phu King Pizza, Phu King ♪ - Night.
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
♪ Phu King ♪ (man crying)
♪ Welcome you to Phu King, Phu King Pizza ♪
- Cujo!
Cujo, I miss you, oh. (man crying)
- [Director] Cut, that's it.