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(investigator clears throat)
- So, Mr. Hartman,
maybe you can explain to us your relationship
with one Darren Mitchell.
Mr. Hartman, it's imperative that you cooperate.
- It all started with Professor Zardonicus.
- [Investigator] With Professor who?
- Zardonicus.
(soft guitar music)
- All right, just.
Go. Go, please.
Go, go, go. Thank you.
Okay.
Hello, this is Greg Hartman of comm three.
Hello, this is Greg Hartman of comm 4328--
- [Neighbor] Well maybe if you weren't
cheating on my with my fucking brother
we wouldn't be in this fucking mess!
- Hi, this is Greg Hartman of comm 4328
and this is my thesis video
on how to be an asshole.
Fuckin'.
Hello, this is...
That was weird.
Hello, this is Greg Hartman.
Hello, this is Greg Hartman of comm 4328
presenting my thesis video for--
- [Rachel] Hey babe, where'd you put my computer?
- I gave it back to you.
- [Rachel] No, you didn't.
- I'm still doing the video.
- [Rachel] I have a paper due tonight.
- Okay, well I, I, um...
- [Rachel] I need to find it
and I'm pretty sure you didn't give it back to me.
- If I told you that it was right next to me,
how would that,
how would that be?
It was, um...
Actually, can I borrow it again tonight?
- No. - Okay.
Hello, this is Greg Hartman of comm 4328
with my thesis video for our final project.
Since the assignment was to make a documentary
about one of our fellow students,
I made a post on the university's official social media page
and I got a variety of responses.
Some with more compelling stories than others, obviously.
But then I was personally messaged
by a student named Darren Mitchell
and this is what he had to say.
Hello, my name is Darren Mitchell.
I'm responding to your Facebook post.
Cutting right to the chase,
I am the survivor of a violent assault
that took place here on campus.
After struggling to cope with this,
I am finally ready to share my story.
Intrigued as I was by that message,
I met with Darren personally,
a meeting that changed the basis of the project
quite dramatically.
So, here we are now.
This is the game plan, all right.
I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna be polite,
I'm gonna be courteous, and yeah.
I'll get his trust and he'll get me an A.
Yeah, maybe just cut that out.
So Darren has just asked me
to go back and refilm our introduction.
So I have to walk back up there
and pretend like I didn't meet him
just like five seconds ago.
Okay.
Second time's the charm.
(knocking on door)
Hello?
(knocking on door)
Um.
Okay, I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed to do right now.
Maybe I should-- - Hey man, hey!
How's it going?
Greg, right?
(Darren chuckles)
- [Greg] Yeah.
- Oh, pleasure to meet you, man. I'm Darren.
- [Greg] Yeah.
- I didn't keep you waiting for too long, did I?
- [Greg] No, actually I just got here.
- Perfect. Would you like to come inside?
- Sure. - Great.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
I was volunteering at the homeless shelter.
Things went overtime.
- [Greg] Okay.
- Was that good?
- [Greg] Was what good?
- Was that take good?
Like me coming up there
and saying the thing about the homeless shelter?
Make me look good? - Yeah that was perfect.
- Cool, you don't wanna do it again in case or?
- [Greg] No, we can just go inside.
- [Darren] Hey, so this thing is on, right?
Like it's recording?
- [Greg] Oh, the mic? Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
Well, here you go.
Welcome to my home. (chuckles)
Sorry I didn't have much of a chance to clean up.
- [Greg] Oh, it's all good.
Yeah, do you live here with a roommate?
- No, just me and the voices in my head.
Oh, (chuckles) that was a joke.
It's completely a joke.
- [Greg] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no. I could tell.
- Okay, good 'cause sometimes I say it
and people think I'm serious.
They can't tell when I'm joking.
It causes some awkward interactions.
- [Greg] Oh, that's weird
'cause I could definitely tell you were joking.
- Oh, well good.
I'm glad you could tell.
Do you want anything to drink?
- No, thanks. - Okay.
- [Greg] Yeah, so how do you wanna approach this?
- [Darren] Hmm?
- [Greg] You know, the interview and stuff.
- [Darren] Oh, um, I don't know.
What'd you have in mind?
- [Greg] Well, we could sit down
and you could talk to me about the incident,
how it's affected you,
and we can just go from there.
(Darren sighs)
- Actually, there's something I should tell you.
Now, I don't want you to think
I'm a bad guy or a liar or anything.
- [Greg] Wait, did you lie about getting assaulted?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I got assaulted. See?
- [Greg] Oh my God!
- [Darren] I know, it's nasty, right?
- [Greg] Jesus, that looks like
an animal attack or something.
- See, that's the complicated part.
Have you ever heard of Professor Zardonicus?
- [Greg] No.
What class does he teach?
Darren?
Hey, what's going on?
- Just...
Before you come in here,
I need you to,
I need you to be ready, okay?
- [Greg] Okay.
(soft guitar music)
Dude.
What is this?
Like, what am I looking at?
- [Darren] The kids on campus
thought he was an urban legend.
Honestly, so did I.
That is, until that night.
- [Greg] Wait, hold on.
You're saying this thing attacked you?
- I was on campus late one night.
I was working an all-nighter for a midterm.
As I was walking to my car
I heard this rustling in the bushes.
I thought maybe it was a squirrel.
But then...
Then it started growling.
I tried to run.
But I barely got two steps before he attacked.
But then I came home.
I came home and I started drawing.
I drew and I drew until I finally got the right one.
And now, (laughs),
now that I have the right one
and now that I have you, Greg,
I can do this.
- [Greg] Do what exactly?
- I can prove that I wasn't lying.
That Professor Zardonicus is real.
But I can only do this with you, Greg.
- [Greg] I'm going to help you prove this?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Greg] That's why I'm here?
- Absolutely. I mean, it's so simple.
If we just follow my plan exactly
we can prove that he was-- - Can I go to the bathroom?
Please, just real quick?
- Um...
Sure, yeah.
It's down the hallway.
- Thanks!
Holy shit, holy shit.
Okay.
So clearly we've shifted gears a little bit.
My subject appears to be under the belief
that he encountered an urban legend
named Professor something.
Now, obviously, given the scratches on his arm,
he must've been attacked by some kind of animal.
Now whether he believes that animal
to actually be his mystical professor,
that remains to be seen.
But what doesn't remain to be seen
is that this is going to make
for a much more interesting project than I anticipated.
So, yes.
This is what I'm going with.
Hey, Darren?
- Oh, hey.
I hope I didn't scare you off.
- [Greg] No, no, not at all.
Actually, I've come to the decision that, yes,
I will absolutely make this documentary with you.
- You will?
- [Greg] Yeah, man.
Somebody's gotta shed the light on the truth, right?
- Oh my God.
That's amazing. Thank you!
- [Greg] Oh, no, no. You're good.
- Thank you, man.
I really, really thank you.
- [Greg] Yeah, okay.
- You know what?
I'm gonna pour us a drink, hmm?
You wanna drink? - Yeah, go for it.
Yeah, sure.
- First and foremost, that camera you got there,
that should not be turned off.
That should be constantly rolling.
In an investigation like this,
you can't afford to miss a thing, right?
Next thing, we're on the search
for truth here, Greg, all right?
You know what that means?
That means we're gonna face trials and tribulations.
All sorts of nasty things, lots of tough stuff.
There's gonna be critics and cynics
that tell us we're wrong
and that what we believe isn't true.
Well you know what I say to them, Greg?
I say the truth will show them what's really going on.
And you know who's gonna find the truth, Greg?
Us.
- [Greg] All right.
Okay.
To Professor Zadromatis.
- Zardonicus. - Zardonicus, sorry.
- There you go. (glasses clink)
- Once I accepted Darren's offer,
I decided to become more acquainted
with the legend of Professor Zardonicus
and I did some research.
Hey, babe? - Yep?
- [Greg] Have you ever heard of Professor Zardonicus?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
Why are you asking about this?
- [Greg] Oh, it's for a project.
So, he's like an urban legend right?
- Yes.
Yeah, around campus I think.
We were at orientation
and they made this joke about,
remember to watch out for Professor Zardonicus
when you're walking out at night
or something like that.
- [Greg] Okay, um.
Is he like something that you would take seriously?
(Rachel chuckles)
- Do you want me to ask him out for coffee,
to get a feel for who he is?
- [Greg] I mean, like, if I told you
that I think there might be something
to this whole Zardonicus thing,
how would you react to that?
- (laughs) You're joking right?
- [Greg] No, it's for a project.
- On a scale-- - This is worth
like a fourth of my total grade, Rachel.
So please take this seriously.
- I didn't realize that we were being serious.
- [Greg] Okay, yeah. You're, yeah.
- What? - Fuck, whatever.
- I'm participating! - Okay.
From this interaction it became clear
that in order to uncover any kind of real truth
behind the Zardonicus legend,
I would really have to dig.
So I decided to go straight to the source
and ask the student body directly
what they know, if anything,
about this mysterious legend.
Mysterious fucking legend.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Hey, hi. Excuse me?
- Yeah? - What?
- [Greg] Could you tell me what you know
about Professor Zardonicus?
- Well, I know he was a professor here in the '50s.
He was a chemistry professor.
- None of his students really liked him.
They thought he was mean and terrible or whatever.
- [Greg] Do you have any idea of where he comes from?
- Uh.
Texas?
- He worked in the old science building
and there was like something with a fire?
- [Greg] Hey, could you tell me about Professor Zardonicus?
- Man, fuck off, man.
- [Greg] Okay.
This is kind of an expensive camera.
- A senior of class, I don't remember which one.
- Decided to play a prank on him.
- And that prank set the fire in that old science building.
- Apparently, a lot of people got out and everything,
if not everybody.
- [Greg] Did he get out?
- No, except for Zardonicus
and there goes the legend.
- [Greg] So what happened with that?
- Oh well, like, people say that his body was never found.
- If you go in the building or something,
he's supposed to attack you or, I don't know.
I don't know. (chuckles)
- [Greg] Do you think you've ever seen him?
- Uh.
I think I ran into him at Walmart the other day.
- He's like this weird like monster thing.
The fucking ears of a bear,
the snout of a wolf.
- Sounds like a-- - He's got fucking
scales on his arms.
- Dude, there's like multiple people
in my lab that look like that.
- It's just turned into this big thing
that's lasted for, since 1950, Jesus.
- [Greg] Yeah, so if somebody were
to try to prove that he were real,
what would it take, I guess,
to convince you of that?
- Just footage, man.
Just footage. Like anything else.
- [Greg] With my research providing no results,
I had to imagine that there was no Professor Zardonicus
and that the only connection to reality
that this story has,
is the fire that took place in the old science building.
However, I also discovered
a 1961 film titled "Mr. Sardonicus".
The timing being too coincidental,
it became clear how this legend began and spread.
That being said, I do not know
how Darren plans to prove himself or this legend
but I cannot wait to find out.
- Hey, man.
- [Greg] Hey, how's it going?
- Going good. You ready for this?
- [Greg] Yeah, yeah I think so.
What about you?
- I mean, honestly I'm a little nervous,
but yeah I think I'm ready.
- [Greg] Why are you nervous?
- I mean, we're hunting down the truth, Greg,
and that doesn't come easy to anybody.
- [Greg] Well, uh...
Well, that's a cool jacket.
- Oh, really?
Thanks, man.
It was my dad's.
He fought in Vietnam.
- [Greg] Oh, seriously?
- Yeah.
I guess I have warrior's blood running through my veins.
Anyway, I don't know what kind of equipment
we were planning on working with,
but I went ahead and got us a couple of those just in case.
- [Greg] Wait, GoPros?
You got GoPros?
- You heard of them?
- [Greg] Well, yeah, Darren.
They're really expensive.
- You know what comes cheap, Greg?
Denial.
But the truth doesn't come cheap.
That's priceless.
- [Greg] Okay, so uh,
what are we gonna be doing today?
- Ah, we're actually gonna be doing this.
- [Greg] Whoa.
We better get started then.
- Yeah. Come on, hop in.
- [Greg] Jesus.
- Oh, hey man, you want some coffee?
- [Greg] No, thanks. I'm good.
- I envy you.
I can't function without at least
three cups in the morning.
- [Greg] So, Darren, what's your intention for today?
- Well, my intention for today
is to spread awareness, you know?
Lay the groundwork for the whole project.
Now, I'm not naive.
I don't think that I'm gonna be able
to find this fantastic creature on my own.
This is gonna be a whole student affair.
We're gonna need the entire student body on our side.
We have attended this campus
completely blind to reality for years
and the reality we do receive
we mock and sneer at with this postmodern cynicism.
But we're gonna break through that, Greg.
That camera you got there?
That's the battering ram.
You have the argument being made
that in a more scientifically advanced society
such as our own,
something like Professor Zardonicus
would've been disproved by now.
The fallacy in that statement
is that, as we grow as a scientific society,
we become more knowledgeable.
When, in fact, I believe the opposite.
- [Greg] Wait, you're saying that science
makes us more ignorant?
- Well, not exactly.
Let me rephrase it for you.
Before the scientific advancements,
we were far more inclined as a society
to believe the highly fanciful.
We would use these fantastic ideas
to justify expressions beyond our grasp.
Now, science has devolved into this confirmation bias game.
We try to disprove theories that differ from our own.
When our realities don't coincide,
we tend to believe the one that we're most comfortable with.
We, as a society, have turned into these snide cynics
of ideas that differ from our own.
We are inclined to only believe
what is directly in front of our eyes.
For example, if I were to tell you
that at one point the world was overrun by giant lizards,
now that'd be a hard pill to swallow, right?
It doesn't matter that it's true
or that I'm right.
The fact of the matter is
that because it's not directly in front of your eyes,
you're gonna have a hard time believing it to be true.
- [Greg] Hey, so when Professor Zardonicus attacked you,
how did you escape?
It seemed, you know, pretty vicious.
- Well, see, I've been thinking about that a lot
and from what I can figure,
I must've just ran away quick enough
before he really got his claws into me.
But when he came out,
his huge claws were just swinging everywhere
like some kind of beast, you know?
But it's weird
because it didn't seem like he wanted to kill me.
- [Greg] Like he just wanted to scare you?
- I don't know. It's hard to explain.
Maybe in his warped mind,
this campus is like his home.
You know, his territory.
- [Greg] So, do you think there's humanity left in him?
- I don't know. It's hard to say.
How do you define humanity?
Is it more of a-- - Yo!
The fuck is this? - What?
- This shit serious?
- No, I'm just going around
hanging up these posters ironically.
What do you think?
- Y'all got some off the wall shit going on right here.
I don't really know what it is but thank you
'cause you made my fucking day.
- Oh, well that's great,
'cause it's not hard to make an imbecile's day, huh?
- Uh, Darren? - Imbecile?
What the fuck does that mean?
- [Greg] Uh, okay guys.
- No, no, no, no, I get it!
This is some kind of fucking joke, isn't it?
- What? A joke?
Oh, that's great, you know,
because I'm sure Christianity seemed
like a joke at the time too, right?
- Hey bro, what the fuck!
- [Greg] Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey!
He's just messing...
We're just messing around.
Yeah, it's just a joke.
And actually, we're done.
We're done for the day.
- Man, fuck y'all.
- [Greg] Darren, what.
- I'm sorry things had to get so ugly
so quickly back there, Greg,
but I guess that's people for ya.
- [Greg] Well, you didn't really seem fazed by it.
- Well, yeah, I mean that kinda stuff
happens to you enough times,
you kinda get used to it.
- [Greg] That happens to you a lot?
- Well, yeah, Greg.
I mean, when I went to the police
and told them about Professor Zardonicus,
they laughed in my face.
- [Greg] But what'd they say about the wounds on your arm?
- Thought they were self-inflicted.
They thought I was trying
to get a lawsuit out of the school.
- [Greg] A lawsuit?
I don't get it.
- Well, think about it this way, Greg.
There's a 50 year old monster
roaming around campus attacking college students.
How's that look for campus PR?
- [Greg] What do your friends think about this?
(Darren coughs)
- Sorry, that's really watered down.
What were you saying?
- [Greg] I was just wondering what your friends
think about all this.
- Oh, you know, I don't burden myself
with the issue of companionship.
So it's not really a problem what they think.
- [Greg] Oh, okay.
- What about you?
What do your friends think?
- [Greg] Well, I've only told my girlfriend.
- Oh, well what did she say?
- [Greg] Well, she's uh...
She's skeptical by nature, I'd say, so.
- Does she go to school here?
- [Greg] Yeah, yeah.
She's a civil engineering major.
- Oh, that must be interesting,
engineering civility and all.
- [Greg] Right.
Well, I mean, it pays a lot.
It's like one of the highest paying degrees out there.
It's a lot more lucrative than film,
I can tell you that much.
- Yeah, well she does support your film making, right?
- [Greg] Yeah.
Well, there's not a whole lot to support right now
just 'cause I'm mostly focused on my vlogs.
- Oh.
Wait, vlogs or?
- I know guys are really into twins.
I don't really get that whole thing.
I mean, yeah, there are two of them.
Yeah, I have like 500 subscribers, actually.
So it's pretty cool.
- That's good. You do that by yourself?
- [Greg] For the most parts,
just 'cause everybody's busy with school and stuff.
- You see, Greg, that's...
That right there's the problem with school, okay?
There's people like you and me
who are out here trying to achieve our dreams,
trying to show the world our truths,
and what are our friends doing, hmm?
They're getting degrees,
they're getting careers, making money.
It makes me sick to my stomach, Greg.
(Darren laughs)
But that's why you and I gotta stick together, right, Greg?
Just you and me.
And that is just as disgusting as it was before.
I'm gonna go get another drink.
Do you want something?
- [Greg] No, I'm good. Thanks.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
(Greg sighs)
- [Greg] So I think that was a pretty solid first day.
We got some good stuff.
Yeah, let's just figure out when we're gonna--
- No, no, no. We're not done, Greg.
- [Greg] Uh, okay.
Well, what are we gonna do?
- We're gonna find him.
(Greg laughs)
- [Greg] What?
How are we gonna find him?
- From up there.
- [Greg] Wait.
Um...
I'm sorry. Are we allowed to go up there right now?
- (chuckles) That's funny.
I think that's what the Washington Post asked
before they published the Pentagon papers, Greg.
- What? - Come on.
If anything else, it'll make for good footage.
- [Greg] That was in like 1972.
See anything?
- No.
Do you?
- [Greg] Nah, just some illegally parked cars.
- Of course.
I come out here in search for the truth
and find a bunch of misdemeanors instead.
Hey, you...
You believe me, don't you, Greg?
- [Greg] What, about Professor Zardonicus?
Well yeah, of course I believe you.
I wouldn't be doing this project if I didn't.
- Good.
That's good.
The only thing worse than monsters
are the people who exploit them.
- [Greg] Well, couldn't some people say
that you're exploiting him,
you know, for publicity maybe?
- See, I've thought about that, Greg.
I really have.
But I can't let that cloud my judgment.
I can't let it get in the way of our investigation.
We're on the search for truth.
The people of this campus,
they deserve to know the truth
even if they choose to reject it.
- [Greg] I don't know, man.
You just seem so righteous about the whole thing.
- Only the discontent would see that
as a criticism, Greg.
Some people might say it's harsh.
But you know what I would say is harsh, Greg?
I would say turning your chemistry professor
into a mythological beast is a little harsh,
wouldn't you say?
- [Greg] I would call that overkill, yeah.
- Yeah, it's overkill.
It's really overkill
especially when you kill a man's humanity
by turning him into some beast.
Have you seen those lifeless eyes?
- [Greg] So you actually know his intrinsic character
after one encounter?
- I'm not talking about his intrinsic character.
I'm talking about his spirituality.
The essence around him in that moment.
I saw him. I looked him dead in the eyes, Greg.
And you know what I saw in there?
Nothing that resembled a human
except for the torn lab coat
and once pinkish skin.
- [Greg] Once.
What does it look like now?
- It's disfigured and torn.
Like he was trying to
claw his way out. - So anybody who's not
the same color as you doesn't have humanity?
- No, Greg.
Don't make this about race.
He is not a race.
He is a creature, okay?
- [Greg] It just sounds kinda like you're saying
people without my skin color are like a creature.
- Oh Jesus Christ, Greg.
I don't wanna sound like one of those
discontent people but-- - You have to be prepared
for these kinda things, right?
- I'm not racist, all right?
I mean, eventually we're gonna have to move
beyond just posters, right?
- [Greg] Sure.
- I don't know much about this whole documentary thing
but do you think that Sundance might be...
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, did you see that?
- [Greg] See what?
- [Darren] I mean, it was just a blur
but it definitely looked like him.
- [Greg] I can't see anything
back there, man. - It looked like
Professor Zardonicus, Greg.
- [Greg] What are you talking about?
- I saw him go around that corner.
- [Greg] Darren, you're not thinking
about going back there?
- Well yes, I'm thinking about going back there.
I just saw him!
Plus, he's not gonna attack
if there's two of us. - Dude, look how sketchy
that place is, man.
What?
- He won't attack if there's two of us, Greg.
- [Greg] Yeah, a guy with a gun might.
So, maybe just call it a day.
- Fine. Yeah.
Let's call it a day, that'd be great,
when we saw him just around the corner.
I'm just...
- [Greg] Darren?
No fucking way.
Darren!
Fuck.
Darren?
Okay.
Good.
Calm down, calm down.
He's gotta be here somewhere.
Fuck.
Just put the fucking switch on.
- Hey. - Darren, oh!
- Did you see anything?
- [Greg] What?
- Did you see anything?
- [Greg] No!
- Shit.
I didn't see anything either.
It was definitely worth a try though, right?
(Darren chuckles)
Right?
- [Greg] Just...
Can we go?
- Well, yeah. I mean, sure.
It's kinda creepy back here anyway.
Are you coming or are you just gonna stand there?
- [Greg] Yeah, I'm coming.
- Come on, let's go.
Honestly, today was a little slow
but tomorrow we're gonna hit the ground running.
The whole flyer thing, big waste of time.
I say we go straight to the press.
Go to the campus media outlets,
see if we can't get some good--
- Wait, Darren! I think I saw something!
- What?
- I don't know but I think it went into the fountain.
- The fountain, of course.
That's the last place I'd think to look.
- Exactly. - Of course he'd go there.
All right, come on.
Start recording now.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Start recording, Greg!
Come on!
(soft music)
- [Greg] Wait, wait.
Sorry, I forgot my light.
- You said he went in there?
- [Greg] What? The fountain?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
- So Professor Zardonicus might be aquatic.
- [Greg] Uh, you know, I'm not really too sure.
- You know what? I am.
- [Greg] Wait, Darren.
You're not thinking of going in there.
- No.
I'm gonna lose Professor Zardonicus
because I'm scared of a little water.
What do you think, Greg?
- [Greg] But wait, wait.
We can't do that.
No, no, wait, Darren, Darren!
No, come back here. Darren!
(tense guitar music)
- So, I mean, at least tonight
wasn't a complete waste, right?
- [Greg] No, not at all.
- Now we know Professor Zardonicus is at least buoyant!
- [Greg] He's extremely buoyant!
- [Security] Come back here!
- Oh shit!
See?
The campus doesn't wanna know the truth.
Fuck you!
(Greg laughs)
- [Rachel] Wait, you made him do what?
- Oh, I had to.
I had to call his bluff, man,
and he did it.
- [Rachel] Wait, Greg, you could've been caught,
both of you.
- Ah, but we weren't.
- [Rachel] That's not...
Whatever.
- Fuck, this is cool.
- [Rachel] Okay, wait.
I'm having a really hard time focusing on your face.
- Well, just press the button.
- [Rachel] Okay, yeah.
- No, that button right there.
No that's--
- [Rachel] So, what's the course of action?
Like?
Do you think he's dangerous? - And he's in my movie.
What'd you say?
- [Rachel] I said do you think he's dangerous?
- Well, no.
He's like...
He's a littler pretentious
but he's not gonna hurt anybody.
- [Rachel] How long do you think you can keep this up?
- As long as he wants to.
Could I get him to go on like public news?
Could we set something up like we're gonna--
- [Rachel] Come back down to earth.
Come over here. Sit down.
- Why? It's cool.
- [Rachel] Okay, real question, Greg.
Do you actually know what you're doing?
- Yeah, I'd say so.
After confirming Darren's sincerity
with the fountain incident,
I began to wonder
could he persuade people to his beliefs
on conviction alone?
Stranger things have happened
and stranger beliefs have spread.
Could Darren be sitting on a potential cult
akin to Heaven's Gate?
However, our second day of activities
proved that Darren's beliefs
were not so contagious.
- Let me tell you!
Do not be afraid of those who can kill
both the body and the soul!
Matthew 10:28.
Do not be afraid of those who can kill the body
but cannot kill the soul. - Jesus.
- [Greg] Literally.
- [Darren] I mean, you have to admire his tenacity, really.
- [Greg] I don't know if I'd call it tenacity, Darren.
- He's out here defending his beliefs,
no matter how controversial.
What would you call it?
I mean, he really reminds me a little bit of...
Wait. - What?
- Wait, wait.
Follow my lead.
- [Greg] Wait, Darren, no.
Come on, don't do this.
- Do you believe what I'm saying?
Do you-- - Hold on. Hi.
How's it going?
- What is this?
Are you trying to humiliate me for my beliefs?
- Well, no.
No, no, no. Not at all.
I respect what you're doing out here,
standing up for your beliefs like that.
- Don't patronize me.
- No, no, no.
I would not patronize you.
I'm a fellow believer.
- You're a fellow believer?
- Well, yes. I do believe.
- A college student
who isn't a radical atheist.
(laughs) All the proof of God that I need.
(Darren laughs)
(Darren clears throat)
So what's with the camera?
- Well, actually I was gonna get to that.
I actually came over here
to give you one of these.
- I'm confused.
Is this...
Did your little brother draw this?
- Well, no, that is...
That's Professor Zardonicus, see?
- Professor what?
- Zardonicus.
I think it might be a Hungarian name.
My friend and I are actually out here
trying to prove his existence.
I was just wondering if you could,
I don't know, keep an eye out,
let us know if you see him.
- I mean, this looks like a monster.
- Well, he is.
Not to put too fine a point on it or anything,
maybe a creature.
Whatever the more politically correct term is.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're trying to get me to believe
in a damn monster?
- Well, yeah.
You're a believe, so believe.
- I believe in the Lord!
- Okay.
So do I.
Congratulations!
I've scratched your back. Now scratch mine.
I think that's what Christ would've wanted.
- I'm not gonna support this insanity!
Do I look like a lunatic to you?
- No, you look like an open-minded individual
which is why I approached you
in the first place. - Will you just
leave me alone?
Just go! - Why?
- Go!
Just leave me alone! - You don't believe!
- Darren, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- You believe in nothing.
- [Greg] So, Darren, what do you think went wrong?
- Um, I don't know.
It seemed like all the cards
were stacked in our favor, you know?
I approached a like-minded individual
and I guess he didn't believe me.
I thought he might relate to what I was going through
but even if he doesn't believe me,
then who the hell will?
- [Greg] Darren, you don't wanna relate
to guys like him, right?
I mean, nobody takes him seriously.
- Greg, there's an old saying
that goes beggars can't be choosers.
You know who the beggar is in this situation?
'Cause it sure as hell isn't him.
- [Greg] Hey, Darren,
do you think it might be your approach?
- Do I think what might be my approach?
- [Greg] Why people might not be resonating with you?
- This is just how I am, Greg.
- [Greg] Well, think of it this way.
So you have regular Christians
and then you have fundamentalist Christians like that guy.
Now, even though these people
basically believe the same kinda stuff,
one is accepted by society
and the other isn't.
So why do you think that is?
- I mean, it could have something to do
with the whole your mom's a whore
and the church knows it signs.
- [Greg] Well, the signs are indicative
of a bigger problem though, right?
They're too blunt.
And I think you're kinda too blunt.
- I'm too blunt?
- [Greg] Well...
So the priests that I had growing up,
they had a certain way of talking about things.
Like they eased you into it.
They didn't beat you over the head
with this apocalyptic stuff.
- Okay.
So, I mean, what do I do?
- [Greg] Well, you know,
we could try a PR touch up.
- But I wouldn't even know where to begin.
- I would.
While this wouldn't get us any closer
to proving the existence of Darren's monster,
my curiosity compelled me
to suggest something rather unorthodox
which he thankfully accepted.
- First, just let me say thank you so much
for meeting with me, Father.
- Absolutely.
I'm always happy to talk.
Especially when it's about something urgent, as you put it.
- Yes, I would say it's urgent.
I was actually hoping to get some advice.
- You know, it's not often that someone your age
comes to me for spiritual advice.
It's...
Honestly, it's quite touching for me.
- Well, you know, it is spiritual
but at the same time it isn't.
You know what I mean?
- No, I'm sorry. I don't follow.
- Let me rephrase.
I'm actually thinking of becoming an ordained minister.
- Oh.
Well, that's wonderful.
- Yeah, but I was hoping you could help me
with the approach to the more personable side of priesthood.
- Personable?
- Well, maybe I phrased it weird.
What I meant was,
when I preach the word,
I'm met with scorn and mockery.
- Oh, speak no more.
Everybody in the church is in the exact same boat.
- Well, yeah, that's the thing though.
You guys have a boat.
I'm kind of floundering at sea here.
I mean, how do you get your word to resonate with people?
- Well, that's a difficult question because--
- Oh, just a second.
I brought a notebook.
I'm gonna take some notes, you know.
- Faith means different things to different people.
But I think it's also important to keep in mind
that you're asking people to take a leap
and people don't leap out of fear.
It only paralyzes them.
It has to be for love.
And you have to make people understand
or to guide them to the understanding
that to worship God and to accept Him,
is to be loved.
- That's amazing.
That, really, that's fantastic.
- Thank you.
But it's also important to keep in mind
that it's not just about faith--
- How do you make people believe
in the whole resurrection thing?
That seems like kind of a big pill to swallow.
- Um. (stutters)
- Wow. They really knew their stuff, huh?
- What'd I tell you?
- Look, I don't know what to do with this information,
but when I find out it's gonna be like,
look out Professor, here I come!
- Well, just follow the model, right?
- Yeah but, I mean, where am I gonna find my crowd?
- [Greg] Wherever you can.
The resulting solution was drastic
to say the least.
- That it does not cast their sunlight
in the Garden of Eden.
- [Greg] You nervous, Darren?
- What?
- [Greg] Just asking if you're nervous.
- I mean, a little bit but, you know,
I did theater in high school, so.
- [Greg] Like what?
- You know, "King Lear", "Hamlet", "Macbeth", all the--
- Shh!
- What the fuck?
- [Greg] You're not supposed to say
the name of the play.
- Superstitious much?
All I said was "Macbeth".
- [Greg] But there's a curse around "Macbeth".
That's the idea.
That's why people get upset.
- So, what? I shouldn't say "Macbeth" anymore?
- No. - Shh!
- Fine, I'll stop saying "Macbeth".
Is that what you want?
- [Greg] Just say the Scottish play instead.
- What?
- [Greg] The Scottish play.
Say that instead. - I'm talking about "Macbeth".
I'm not talking about a Scottish play.
What are you talking about?
- I say hate is the ancient theme run afoul
in mankind's passage.
- [Greg] Darren, I'm having second thoughts about this.
- I'm the one that's going out there on stage.
You're just filming it.
- [Greg] Yeah, I just...
It seemed like an interesting idea at the time
but being here, I don't know how you're gonna come across.
- Come across?
This audience right here?
They're built around acceptance
and never ending love.
They want the truth to come out, right?
I mean, that's what they're--
- [Greg] When they're saying coming out
they're talking about something different.
- Listen, Greg.
I think you're over analyzing this.
These people are very accepting, all right?
They embrace everyone with open arms.
They're gonna embrace a creature
who's been locked away by society,
who's been put in a corner,
who's been seen as a monster.
- Yet you force me to look away from you.
(audience applauding)
(Darren clears throat)
- Hi, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming out.
My name is Darren.
And I wanna share something with you guys tonight.
You see, because there's someone
very near and dear to my heart
that needs to come out to the world,
that needs accepting people such as you.
And of course, I'm talking about Professor Zardonicus.
Yes, that's right.
Professor Zardonicus.
The secret of this university for the past 50 years.
He has been the subject
of cynicism and skepticism, mockery, and scorn,
because we've been misunderstanding him.
Oh, we've been all wrong.
You see, because Professor Zardonicus
is not a creature who's driven by fear.
But instead, driven by love.
He needs us to find him
because only by finding Professor Zardonicus
can we truly find ourselves.
I'm here today to tell you
that Professor Zardonicus has only remained in the shadows
because we have not made a space for him
in our heart and souls.
For the begotten are not the beloved.
- Shut up! - Because the beloved
are those who believe
in Professor Zardonicus. - Boo!
(audience jeering) - Would you stop?
I'm not done!
I'm not done yet!
I wasn't done!
You're supposed to be accepting people!
I wasn't done yet!
I wasn't done yet.
See, Greg? That's what happens!
That's what happens when you try to put yourself out there
and get people to believe in something
that hasn't been fucking programmed
into their minds since birth!
- [Greg] Darren, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay, Greg!
It's not okay!
They kicked me off the stage.
I had five fucking pages left
and they kicked me off the stage
like my opinion didn't matter!
- [Greg] Maybe that's because an LGBT poetry slam
isn't the best platform--
- That was your idea, Greg!
That was your fucking idea!
- [Greg] It was a joke.
It was a joke!
(Darren sobbing)
- [Darren] I just don't get it, Greg.
- [Greg] You don't get what?
- Has it ever occurred to you
that the right place and time
is the only difference between a mad man and a prophet?
- [Greg] I don't know about that.
- Professor Zardonicus deserves better.
He deserves better than these fucking people.
- Okay.
Upset as he was about the poetry night debacle,
Darren found that the event had in fact
succeeded in raising his profile.
So he was invited...
Um, kinda doing something.
- [Rachel] Are you ready to go?
- To what?
- [Rachel] To Mark's birthday party.
Greg, you said we were gonna go.
- Okay.
I mean, you said you were gonna go.
I said I was thinking about going.
- [Rachel] Greg, I asked you about this last week
and you said yes.
- Okay, I don't remember saying that, so.
- [Rachel] God, what is with you right now?
It's happened three
times this week. - What's with me right now?
Like, can you not see what's with me right now?
- [Rachel] Yes, and I can't depend on you anymore.
- You can't depend on me
to go to a birthday party
to a guy that I barely fucking know.
- You're making commitments
and then you're dropping them and it makes me
feel like shit. - That's my commitment.
That's my commitment.
- Okay.
- [Greg] Do you want me to get an A or not?
That's worth 25%
of my final grade. - So, what is this?
- [Greg] What?
- Is this not a commitment?
This is your grade, okay, I get it.
But what else, is it really helping you,
this documentary, this Professor Zardonicus bullshit?
You're chasing a monster. It's not real.
- Before I didn't work hard enough
and now I word too hard.
You can either complain about me--
- Greg, that's work. - Watching movies and
playing video games all day
or you can complain about me going
not going to parties. - This isn't work.
What is this?
You're talking about a monster
that doesn't exist, Greg. - You gotta choose one.
This project exists.
That should be good enough for you.
It's good enough for me.
So just go to the party.
- Great.
All right, it would be great if you were there but--
- Yeah, whatever.
- [Rachel] All right.
- Tell Mark I said hi.
- [Rachel] Sure.
- Fuck.
(Greg clears throat)
After Darren's video went viral,
he was invited to an interview
at the official university radio station
and the results were to be expected.
- All right, everybody.
Welcome back to the show.
You know what station you're at.
It's your host, Keegan Michaels,
bringing you the latest campus news.
Joining me is a very special guest.
You know that one weird dude
who crashed the poetry slam?
It's our university's very own Darren Mitchell.
Darren, how are you doing today?
- Well, I'm doing all right, Keegan.
Thank you for asking.
- It's customary.
What I really wanted to know and get to
was more along the lines of
what the hell were you thinking that night?
- Um, well. (clears throat)
You see, that was a night of expression
and I got up on that stage to express myself.
- No, everybody else was expressing themselves.
What you did was you stole the spotlight
away from people who were sharing their experiences
as members of the LGBT community
to talk some bullshit about a monster.
- Well, okay, Professor Zardonicus is not a monster.
Hitler was a monster.
Would you compare the victim
of a horrific prank to Adolf Hitler?
(Keegan sighs)
- Okay.
You are a grown ass man. - I am.
- A student of this university
who would rather choose to spend his time
talking about the Boogie Man.
- Yes, because there are just so many similarities
between the Boogie Man and Professor Zardonicus, right?
- Which are figments of your imagination, so.
- Tell me something, Keegan.
Have you ever met your great great grandfather?
- Um-- - Let me stop you right there.
You haven't.
Does that make him a figment of your imagination?
Does that make him not real?
- Darren, the fact that we have a cameraman
recording this whole thing clearly makes it obvious
that you're just looking for attention.
- Well, you're the one with a radio station, Keegan.
Are you just looking for attention?
- No, I'm looking for a story.
- So am I.
Just because my story doesn't align
with societal norms,
doesn't mean that it's not worth telling
or that it's not true.
- Let's go to our student body.
Everyone, I want you to call in
and tell me what you think on the matter.
You're on the air with Keegan.
To whom am I speaking?
- [Casey] Hi, Keegan. My name is Casey.
I'm a junior.
- Nice to be talking to you, Casey.
Tell me, what are your thoughts about this whole thing?
- [Casey] Well, let's give the benefit of the doubt
and say this guy really believes in Professor Zardonicus.
What I have to ask is how is what you're doing
even getting closer to proving that?
- You don't think I'm doing a good job, Casey?
- [Casey] I don't even think you're trying, honestly.
All you do is harass people
and you expect us to take you on your word?
- How am I harassing people?
I am out there spreading the word
about Professor Zardonicus.
I am making people aware of a creature
that stalks this campus.
If people are aware,
they can find him.
I don't know how else to explain this to you, Casey.
How am I not coming across?
- [Casey] Honestly, I think you're just dodging.
I think you're not going after him
because, like the guy said,
you want attention more than you want this truth.
Why aren't you going out there
and really trying to find this thing?
And why don't you find other witnesses?
There has to be somebody else who's seen this thing.
Can you say that you have actually gotten
any closer to proving that he's real?
- [Keegan] Got anything to say, Darren?
- I mean, um,
there's just the fact that he's, uh...
(Keegan laughs)
- [Keegan] I think you got him, Casey.
- So, update.
Darren has asked me to come out here
and meet him the middle of the woods.
Which will surely not end in my violent murder.
Yeah, so my car broke down
and now I'm being driven by
the lovely and beautiful Rachel Patten.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Anyways.
- This is a really bad idea, by the way.
- You said that part.
Since the radio interview
Darren has not been doing so well.
He has withdrawn even from me
and I don't think he talks to anybody else, honestly.
He only invites me over now
so I can record random footage
of him researching stuff on his laptop
and, I don't know,
like staring out the window.
- [Rachel] That's a lot of progress.
- Well, at least today he said
that something big was gonna go down.
And I don't think he would hype it up
without something to show for it.
- Something to show for it as in your death?
From what you've talked about, Greg,
it sounds like he has issues.
Like real, real issues.
- He's kind of out there
and he's a little forward.
- He's kind of out there?
- He's, okay-- - Greg.
- I don't know if he's insane,
if that's what you're getting at.
- You don't know anything about him, Greg.
You don't know where he came from,
about his parents.
You have no idea about anything.
- I know he's not dangerous, okay?
And that's like the important thing, right?
- I'm not talking about him being dangerous.
- Then what are you talking about?
- I...
It sounds like you're taking advantage of him.
- Taking advantage of him?
What, like he's not taking advantage of me?
- Shut up, Greg.
- Okay.
- If I were you,
I would at least try to figure out
what it is I'm dealing with.
- How would you approach that?
- I don't know, Greg.
You're the one making a documentary.
(Greg sighs)
This is it.
- [Greg] There he is.
- Hey, hey, guys.
Glad you could make it all the way out here.
- Yeah. - Absolutely, man.
- [Rachel] We haven't actually met.
I'm Rachel, Greg's girlfriend.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
Thank you for letting me steal him away again.
- Yeah, just make sure you bring him home alive.
It's his turn to do the dishes tonight.
(Darren laughs) - Oh, come on.
You know I'm not gonna do the dishes.
- Yeah, we're just,
we're just gonna hang out.
You know, maybe uncover the existence
of some humanoid type create, right, Greg?
- [Greg] Yeah!
- Yeah. - Sweet.
- [Greg] Well, yeah, thanks for the ride, babe.
- Get to it. Of course. - Yeah, thanks, babe.
Thank you.
(Darren and Rachel laugh nervously)
She was pretty nice.
Rachel, I mean.
- [Greg] Yeah, I would say so.
- How long have you two been going out?
- [Greg] I guess it's been about three years.
We started dating back when we were freshmen, so.
- Nice.
Nice.
You know, I didn't wanna say anything back there
but uh, my last girlfriend was actually named Rachel.
- [Greg] Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
I wish I had more to say about her
but, uh, that's about it.
- [Greg] Why? It didn't end very well?
- I mean, relatively to what? The Hindenburg disaster?
(chuckles)
No, I think it was okay compared to that.
- [Greg] Well, if you don't mind my asking,
what happened?
- You know, the normal relationship stuff.
She says she wants honesty and openness,
that she wants to know the truth.
But when I try to tell her the truth...
It's not always easy getting what you want, Greg.
- [Greg] Was this truth Professor Zardonicus related?
(Darren sighs)
- Yeah.
It was.
- [Greg] Oh.
Uh, Darren?
How much further do we got?
- [Darren] Not much further, honestly.
- [Greg] You said that last time though.
- [Darren] Okay, well time is a subjective thing, Greg.
I don't know what you want me to say.
- [Greg] That's your answer?
That time is subjective?
- Yes.
- [Greg] No, we have clocks, Darren.
They measure time.
- Okay, look, it's just a little bit further, I promise.
Now, please, can we just keep moving?
There's thorns in this part.
- [Greg] Yeah, uh, look.
I didn't really sign up for this
"Blair Witch" shit, all right?
- [Darren] I don't know what that is.
- [Greg] What?
- You watched in like film class or something?
- [Greg] No, it's iconic, Darren.
What are you talking about?
- Well, it's not that iconic.
I haven't heard of it.
- [Greg] Oh, what? You're a connoisseur?
You're the fucking arbiter of culture?
- [Darren] I don't know what you're trying to say, Greg,
but I haven't seen that movie
so it must not be very good.
(Darren grunts)
- [Greg] You good?
- Yeah, come on.
- [Greg] Okay.
Goddammit.
Do you even know where we're going?
- Of course I know where we're going.
We gotta take a right up here.
Take a right.
- [Greg] That's going straight.
You're going straight.
- Straight to the right.
You gotta climb-- - The fuck are you doing?
Whoa, are you okay? - Don't fall.
Don't fall like me, Greg.
There's thorns everywhere.
- [Greg] Why are you climbing a tree?
Okay, Darren, can we just stop for a second?
- Stop? We can't stop, Greg.
It's gonna get dark if we don't hurry up.
- [Greg] I'm just getting a little overwhelmed.
There's a lot of mosquitoes. - It's fine.
Just follow me. - A lot of branches.
A lot of shit around. - Greg.
Follow me.
We're gonna take a right up ahead
and everything's gonna be fine.
Just come on.
- [Greg] Fuck. Okay.
- Watch out.
Bear hole.
- [Greg] What?
- Bears dig holes like that.
They keep their young in them.
- [Greg] Darren, how much do you actually know
about wildlife?
- I know quite a bit.
I've read quite a few books on bears.
- [Greg] Did you say you've written
quite a few books on bears?
- Read.
- [Greg] You totally fucking said you wrote them.
- I said I've written, Greg?
Learn to speak before you-- - You said you written--
- Accuse me. - Shut the fuck up and go.
- [Darren] Hey, why'd you stop recording?
- Because I'm tired.
- [Darren] Well, yeah, I'm tired too, Greg.
But that doesn't mean you stop recording.
We're on the search for the truth here.
Of course it's gonna be tiring work.
I mean, we've been walking around for--
- You know, I have a test coming up
that I could be studying for?
- [Darren] Oh, I'm sorry. You have a test.
I didn't realize that was more important
than the life and safety
of people on our campus. - Yeah instead of studying
I'm out here lost in the middle of the woods with you.
- [Darren] Okay, we're not lost, Greg.
I told you that. - Yes, we are.
- We are not lost. - Yes, we are!
- [Darren] We took a right
when we should've taken a left.
- What the fuck does that mean?
We're in the woods! - That means that
we're not lost.
Do you know who's really lost, Greg?
- Don't say it.
Don't fucking. No. - The real lost people--
- No, not this shit. - Are the people
that don't believe in Professor Zardonicus.
The truth that's right there in front of them.
The monster that's been living on their campus
right under their noses
and they can't see it. - Rachel was right.
How about that?
- [Darren] What does that even...
What do you mean
Rachel was right? - Figure it out, smart guy.
- [Darren] What'd she say about me, Greg?
What are you doing? Stop!
- What?
- [Darren] Why are you doing that?
You don't need your phone right now.
You need your camera so we can film.
- No, I need my phone to call my girlfriend
so she can pick me up and get me out of here.
- [Darren] We're not done, Greg.
- I am. Yeah. - You're done?
- I'm done with this whole fucking thing actually.
- [Darren] Oh, so you're just, you're leaving?
Is that what this is? - Yes, I am.
Yeah. - Fine, you can leave
but I'm keeping this, all right?
- [Greg] What?
- I'm keeping this camera. - Wait, hold on.
Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.
- Give me back my fucking camera!
- This is my truth. Get back!
Get back or I will drop it.
This is my truth, Greg.
You wanna leave? Fine.
- Fuck. - You leave,
you go find another subject,
and then you can go back to your little life
making little videos
while everyone you know passes you by.
- That was...
Fuck.
- [Darren] That was, what, the truth, Greg?
But you're not gonna do that, hmm?
You're not gonna give up
because we are this close to finding something
that no one else has even come close to, Greg.
We're this close to discovering the truth
and you wanna give up 'cause you're tired,
because your feet hurt?
Guess what, Greg?
The truth doesn't come easy
and you could have all the glory
if you would just walk five more minutes!
- Okay.
- [Darren] Okay?
- That's what I said, yes.
Fuck.
- [Darren] Well, stop moping around
and take your camera. - I'm not moping.
Give me my camera.
Do you even know how to use a camera?
- Watch your step. - I know.
- There it is. - What?
- It's actually here. (laughs)
- [Greg] What?
That's what we were looking for?
A fucking truck in the middle of the woods?
- No, no, no, no.
That's what we found.
We found a truck in the middle of the woods, Greg.
Come on.
Mr. Kint!
Um, Mr. Kint?
- [Greg] Uh, Darren, does he--
- Hey! Hey!
What the hell are you-- - Oh no, Mr. Kint.
Mr. Kint!
I'm Darren. We spoke.
- Wait, you're that kid?
- [Darren] Yeah, you said I could come out to your house.
- Well, I didn't expect for you to actually show.
Jesus, kid.
What the hell is this?
What, you making a movie or something?
- Oh, no, no.
This is a documentary.
I thought I mentioned it to you.
- A documentary?
Well, I don't know what sorry son of a bitch
would sign up for this.
- [Greg] It's okay, sir.
I'm getting school credit for this.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Kids would suck their own dicks
for school credit these days.
All right, don't just stand there
with your thumbs up your ass.
Come on. Let's do this thing.
- [Greg] Darren.
- What?
- [Greg] What the fuck have you gotten us into?
- What I've gotten us into?
I've gotten us Herb.
What do you mean what have I
gotten us into? - Who is Herb?
How did you even find him?
- Um, it's called the internet, Greg.
Have you heard of it?
- So, what did you have in mind, kid?
- Oh, just a typical interview.
Maybe those two chairs over there somewhere.
- All right.
- [Darren] Yeah, that'd be great. Thank you.
- Darren? - Yeah?
- [Greg] I know you're not a film student,
but how are you gonna do an interview
with only one camera?
- Oh, that's the thing, Greg.
We don't just have one camera. (laughs)
- Dude.
You had a camera this whole fucking...
You were gonna steal mine.
- [Darren] Well yeah, you can't do a proper interview
with only one camera.
You have to get my reaction and Herb's reaction.
You're a film student, Greg.
You should know this.
- Just tell me who this guy is.
- Oh, that guy, Herb? - Yes.
- Oh, no.
He's no one big.
I mean, (chuckles), not a big deal really.
He's just, you know,
the only other documented witness of Professor Zardonicus.
- [Greg] Whoa. That guy?
- [Darren] Yeah. That guy.
- Really?
Okay, let's do it then.
- How's it going, Greg?
- We're good. Okay. - Good.
All right. Good.
And the cameras are already rolling?
- Yeah. - All right, Herb,
how are you doing?
- Well, um, I'm all right.
(chuckles) It's just I haven't talked about this
in, what, 30 years.
- That's all right. You're gonna do fine.
Just let's start by having you introduce yourself.
- Uh, okay.
Well, I'm Herbert Kint.
I'm a freelance musician.
- Oh.
That's great.
I didn't know you were a freelance musician.
Maybe you could play something for us.
That'd be good for B roll or something, right?
- Oh.
Um, sure. Well, uh...
I would but my guitar is um...
Well it got, you know,
it got very cold last night
and I needed fuel for the fire.
So, my guitar-- - Oh. Oh.
- I had to use it for-- - Yeah.
- I'm gonna get another one.
- Yeah, yeah, I mean. - Maybe even a few.
- You know what they say,
music warms the soul, right?
- (chuckles) Yeah, it, yeah.
- But yeah, enough about that.
Let's just get into the questions.
- Okay. Okay. (soft guitar music)
- You didn't graduate, correct?
- Well, no.
No, I didn't.
Well, at the time
I said it was because of stress
because I um--
- But what was the real reason, Herb?
- The real reason was that I saw something.
Something that I couldn't unsee.
- Now was this something,
was it Professor Zardonicus?
- I guess.
Look, whatever it was,
there's nothing else like it.
- And you saw this creature on campus, correct?
- Yes.
Yes, I did.
It was uh...
It was in the spring semester of '89.
Yes, I remember.
I just finished my midterms.
- But you didn't tell anyone about the incident?
- Well, no.
I didn't tell the newspapers
because I didn't want to be a laughing stock.
And I didn't tell the campus officials
because, well, I was in a place
that I wasn't supposed to be.
- Oh, really?
Where was this place?
- The old abandoned science building.
Yeah.
It had been shut down and abandoned for decades.
But one night we were out there.
Well, it was all a part of this initiation
in this fraternity I was trying to get into.
They wanted the pledges to spend the night
in the old abandoned science building.
And, you know,
there were rumors that it was haunted
and people had gone and disappeared and...
So I was, you know, thought I was big shit.
I stumbled in and started going down the halls
and then there was just nothing.
Just all of a sudden there was nothing.
And um...
But then I heard the noise.
You know, I was drunk off my ass that night
but I have never ever heard a sound like that.
Then I turned around and
it was on me, this creature.
And it was coming at me
and it was, he was swinging his claws,
these giant claws.
(sobbing)
- What else happened, Herb?
- What happened?
What happened was I ran.
I ran and I ran and I ran
and I ran for my life
and I just ran until I was out of the goddamn building
and I just kept running and running.
Anyways, the next thing I know I'm (clears throat),
well I'm back at my place
and my friends are all around me
and they're, you know,
telling me something happened
or wondering what happened
and I don't know what happened and it's--
- Why didn't you tell anyone, Herb?
- Well, I wish I had told someone.
I mean, I wish I had the guts to tell somebody.
Listen, you can't do the same, all right.
If that creature is still out there,
you can't do the same.
Do you understand me, son?
- I understand you completely, Herb.
Now, not that I'm keeping track or anything, Greg,
but I think that's Darren one, society zero.
- [Greg] You know, Darren,
you could've told me what we were doing out here.
- I don't know, it didn't seem relevant at the time.
- [Greg] It didn't seem relevant?
Darren, this guy could've been dangerous.
- Yeah, dangerously woke.
- [Greg] Darren, that's such fucking horse shit.
- What do you mean?
- [Greg] What do you think we even did out here?
What do you think we proved?
- We just found the tide turner.
We have another witness of Professor Zardonicus.
I'm not alone.
It proves that I wasn't lying.
- [Greg] But that can't be--
- Say, you boys want a drink for the road?
- Oh, no thanks.
We're just about to head out.
You ready, Greg?
Thank you again, Mr. Kint.
- Sure.
No problem.
- We got a long walk back.
- [Greg] Let's just go, Darren.
- All right. - Fuck.
- [Darren] I love your place.
- After today's journey into the woods
to meet Herbert Kint,
some developments were made.
We learned that Darren might actually be...
What am I saying?
We learned that there
might be more credence...
So I was thinking about what Rachel said the other day
and she's right.
I don't know anything about Darren.
I don't know his history.
Like nothing.
And with his behavior becoming even more erratic,
I thought it would help to do some research
and I found out some pretty interesting things.
So Darren Mitchell was born to Ryan Mitchell.
Ryan Mitchell is an oil and gas guy.
He's been around forever.
He's worked with ExxonMobil, Shell, and Enron.
Now, there's an unfortunate thing here.
Darren was not born to Ryan Mitchell's wife.
Darren was born to Ryan Mitchell's secretary.
So we can probably see where
some developmental issues start occurring.
So Darren seemingly had a normal childhood.
He was just going to different
private schools around the country
until one gap where he just stopped going to school
for about two years
when he was maybe 11 or 12.
There's no real way to find out why.
All of this is confidential, of course.
So, there's only one person I can talk to.
And if I'm right,
that person will be getting out of work right now.
Hi, Mr. Mitchell?
Hi, Mr. Mitchell. I need to talk to you.
- What the hell is this?
- [Greg] No, I need to talk to you, sir.
- You can't just accost me like this.
- [Greg] I'm not accosting you, sir.
Sir, this is important.
This is about Darren.
This is about your son, Mr. Mitchell.
- Who are you?
- [Greg] I'm a friend of Darren's and I--
- Friend?
- [Greg] Yes.
And, look, just give me a couple minutes,
I'll explain, but I do need to talk to you.
- You're making a documentary about this?
- [Greg] Yeah.
It's for a school assignment.
- About what again?
- [Greg] Professor Zardonicus.
- Ah. - Yeah, I know.
- That's a new one.
- [Greg] I'm sorry. New one?
What do you mean by that?
- When my son was a boy,
he had an overactive imagination.
Most children are steadfast in their beliefs
but Darren was unusually convicted.
Unfortunately, I indulged his beliefs,
even the ridiculous ones.
It was the only thing that would satisfy him.
Then I hear from his teachers
that he has started taking his stories to school,
scaring his fellow classmates.
One year he told us that Santa Claus
had tried to kidnap him.
That was a rough Christmas.
Then I hear that he has started
luring other children out into the woods.
I didn't think he would do anything but
it was time to get him some help.
So I,
I sent him to a child psychiatrist
recommended by my colleagues and...
- [Greg] And what? What happened?
- They couldn't find anything wrong with him.
Couldn't diagnose him with a single thing.
I don't know what Darren thinks he saw
but he wasn't lying.
Anyway, I...
I gotta get going.
I gotta beat the traffic.
- [Greg] Oh, sure. I understand.
Look, if you could just not tell Darren
that we had this conversation,
I'd appreciate it.
- You don't have to worry about that.
My son doesn't speak to me anymore.
- So that did nothing.
I learned that Darren has been to an institution,
though they couldn't diagnose him with anything.
So that doesn't really comfort me
when he has a long history
of luring people out into the woods.
And I don't know how I'm gonna talk to Darren about it.
What, am I gonna tell him that I thought
I ran into his estranged father at the grocery store
and we just got to talking
about his history with delusions?
I mean, no matter what, this is a lose lose for me.
Either Darren's fine
and I've been just sneaking into his past
or he's actually unstable
and I've been exploiting a mentally ill person
for a fucking class assignment.
There is a distinct possibility
that I don't know what I'm doing
and that I've really hurt this guy.
'Cause this, this right here,
cannot be healthy for him.
I've just created an atmosphere
where I make him think
that this behavior is okay.
I've indulged him and for what?
I don't know if I should tell him that he needs help,
but I can't keep indulging this, right?
I can't keep pretending that thing...
What the fuck?
Shit.
Darren?
- Hello, Gregory.
- [Greg] What are you doing here?
- I have some very important information to relay to you.
- [Greg] Okay.
This couldn't have been over the phone?
- I'm sure it could've been over the phone
if you want the NSA to eavesdrop on us
and have us murdered and covered up as a suicide, yeah.
But I don't think that's what either of us wants.
So the more important question is
thank you for saving my life, Darren.
- [Greg] That's not even a question.
- Keep the camera up here.
- [Greg] Can we keep this short?
- I mean, as short as uncovering and verbally sharing
a piece of crucial information
to our investigation can be.
Sure, I'll keep it short.
- [Greg] Okay, and this is not technically my apartment.
So if you could just be careful around shit.
- You have a key, right?
- What? - You have a key?
You have a key
to the apartment? - My girlfriend gave me a key
but this-- - Perfect. Then let me in.
I've been waiting.
Is she not here?
- Fuck. - Keep the camera up here.
- Okay, goddammit.
Darren, what are you doing here?
- How much does this thing cost exactly?
- [Greg] The coffee maker? I don't know.
- Yeah, I mean, the only reason I asked
is because I have one just like it
and I think it's starting to break down on me
'cause this morning I made myself a cup of coffee
and it was just, it was mostly grain.
There was hardly any liquid in it at all.
And it's hard to start the morning
with a mouthful of grain, you know what I mean?
- [Greg] Did you come to talk about coffee grains?
Why are you here, Darren?
Just tell me why you're here.
- No reason, nothing big except...
Oh, oh yeah, I remember now.
I know where to find Professor Zardonicus.
- [Greg] What?
- Don't tell me you already forgot
who Professor Zardonicus is, Greg.
- [Greg] I didn't forget who he was.
I just...
Okay.
How? Was, where?
- I don't know how I can explain it
any simpler than that, Greg.
I know where he is, where he lives,
the place he rests his head at night,
where he keeps all of his magazines, you know.
The place-- - Hey, Greg?
Are we still going to the movie?
It's about to start. - How long have you
been standing there?
- A second.
- Greg, did you see her walk in?
- [Greg] Yeah, I mean, she lives here
so I didn't think it was a big deal.
- This is a private conversation, Greg.
Two ears only. No third parties.
- I can just go.
- No.
No, she already fucking ruined it.
The whole ambience is just...
- Greg, what's going on? - I don't know.
I don't...
We're just having like a production meeting.
- I would be much more comfortable
if we talked in here.
- [Greg] The closet?
- Yeah. - The fucking closet?
- The closet.
I would be much more comfortable
if we had this conversation in here
and I assume my comfort matters to you.
- Like I said, I can just go.
- Oh, I'm so glad you can do something.
I didn't hear you the first time.
Greg, will you say something? - Hey!
I'm not going in the closet.
I'm not. - If you're not
going in the closet,
then I'm gonna stop speaking entirely.
- Greg, don't go into the closet.
- [Greg] I'm not going in the closet.
- Then I'm gonna stop speaking starting now.
- Oh, so if I said that Professor Zardonicus
is a little horseshit--
- I would!
I would say you're full of shit.
But I'm not speaking, so there's that.
- [Greg] We can go anywhere else, okay?
We can go to a cafe.
We can go to a library.
Just not the fucking closet.
- If I was speaking I would say that's a great idea.
But I'm not speaking, so there's that.
- Greg, you're not actually humoring this, are you?
- There's nothing humorous about this.
Now, Greg, go in the closet with me.
- [Greg] I can't go in the closet.
- Please, Greg.
You and me in the closet together now.
- Fucking stop it!
- You'd better not follow us in there either!
- I don't plan on following
you into the closet. - I see it in your eyes.
- What's even going on here? You're gonna follow
us in there.
Are you gonna stand out here with a cup
to the door and listen? - I am not going into
the closet with you.
What are you doing? - Is that what you want?
(all shouting)
This whole fucking time!
- [Greg] Jesus fucking Christ, Darren.
I mean you have been an idiot for most--
- The science building.
- [Greg] What?
- The old science building.
That's where we find him.
There's where Herb ran into him.
That's where he was created,
where Professor Zardonicus was born.
It's been right in front of our face this entire time.
We're going down there tonight
and we're proving to the world once and for all
that Professor Zardonicus is real.
(soft guitar music)
- [Greg] Okay, you are asking me
to do something very very stupid, Darren.
If we go there, if we're caught--
- If he's not there, I'll quit.
There's nowhere else to look, Greg.
This is it.
Our last chance.
- [Greg] Do you actually mean that?
- [Darren] I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.
- [Greg] If he's not down there, we're done.
Completely done.
- That's what I'm saying.
- [Greg] I have your word on that?
- Yes.
- [Greg] Okay.
Hey, look, I got something I gotta do.
Just give me a minute.
Uh, hey.
So, I know that was weird and that I've been weird
but I can promise you that tonight is the last night.
- [Rachel] Where are you going?
- [Greg] It doesn't matter.
He said he's gonna quit.
That means we can put everything behind us.
It means you never have to hear
the name Professor Zardonicus ever again.
- [Rachel] Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- [Greg] Thank you.
I will be back.
Soon, I hope.
Okay, love you. Bye.
- Today is November 5th, 2019.
I, Darren James Mitchell,
am standing in front of the old science building
which also serves as the resting place
for Professor Zardonicus.
As we reach the end of my journey,
I look back on all the times
my partner and I were met with mockery and scorn.
I think back on my life
and how at times it seemed like
nothing more than a sad joke.
In many ways I have much more in common with the Professor
than I do with, say, regular people.
He was the subject of a horrific and cruel prank
which transformed him into something,
something less than he was before.
I do not wish to harm the Professor or judge him in any way.
My allegiance is to the truth
and the truth I shall have
at all costs.
(loud clattering)
- What? - Did you hear that?
- [Greg] What?
- Come on. - What?
The fuck are we going?
Where are we...
Darren!
Darren, slow down, slow down. - Shit.
Holy fuck. Where are we? - He's in here somewhere.
- [Greg] Okay, let's just make this quick, all right?
- There it is.
I thought I forgot it. - What the fuck?
- [Darren] What?
- [Greg] Is that a gun? A real gun?
- No, Greg, I brought a fake gun
to fight a very real monster.
What do you think?
- [Greg] I think you're gonna go to jail
when somebody finds you with that.
- Oh, I'm sorry I wanted to be at least a little prepared
if we're hunting down a monster.
- [Greg] You can't keep doing this shit to me, Darren.
- Doing what?
- [Greg] All the fucking mystery stuff
where you put me through a heart attack.
I thought we were partners!
- We are partners, Greg.
- [Greg] Then why don't you console me about anything?
- Because I don't wanna make things more complicated
than they have to be.
- [Greg] Oh, like they're not complicated right now?
Doesn't this feel complicated?
- Because I don't wanna get into a little fight
over every single thing, all right?
This is not a big deal.
Everything's worked out so far.
- [Greg] Says the man with lipstick on his face.
- That's not the point.
- [Greg] Okay, Darren, stop.
We need to talk.
Darren, I said stop.
Fuck.
Darren, stop or I turn off the camera!
- What?
- [Greg] Yeah.
Well, that did it, didn't it?
That's all this is,
is just showing off for the fucking camera.
- What are you saying, Greg?
- [Greg] I'm saying that the only reason
you pretend to need me,
like when you obviously have enough money
to buy your own equipment,
to buy whatever you need,
it's just to satisfy your own ego.
- I never said that.
- [Greg] You don't have to.
You need the one thing that money can't buy you
and that's the validation.
- You're making stuff up now.
- [Greg] Am I? Am I really?
Dude, okay, that is the only reason we're down here.
That's the only reason
I'm walking around a fucking basement with you
looking for something that doesn't even exist!
- Wait, you don't...
You don't believe in Professor Zardonicus?
- [Greg] Of course I don't!
Jesus Christ.
- [Darren] So you've been lying to me this whole time.
- [Greg] Okay, don't turn this on me, dude.
- No, what about that night at the fountain, Greg?
- What? - Did you see
Professor Zardonicus then
or were you just lying for some sort of sick joke?
- Do not-- - Is that all this whole
experience has been? - Do not pretend
that you don't have some serous issues.
- Oh, I'm sorry that I'm able to comprehend
something beyond your limited scope of imagination.
- [Greg] And I'm sorry that you're fucking delusional
just like when you were a kid.
(Greg sighs)
Okay, I'm sorry.
- What'd you just say?
- [Greg] I shouldn't have said that.
I'm sorry. - When I was a kid?
- Yes, I, look-- - Have you been snooping
around my past, Greg? - No, I've been
doing research.
I've been doing research.
I'm making a documentary. - You talk about trust.
- I had to do research. - You talk about understanding
having each other's back? - Hey, hey! Put the gun down!
Put the fucking gun down. - Then you pull
this shit, Greg.
- [Greg] Put the gun down, Darren.
- I'm not gonna put the gun down
because you're a fucking liar
and you're going behind my back.
- [Greg] You're not gonna put the gun down?
- You're supposed to be my partner, Greg!
- Okay, fuck you. - What?
- I'm out. - No.
- I'm really out, man. - You're not being...
- [Greg] You crossed the fucking line.
- Stop it! Greg! - No, no!
Let go of the fucking camera, you son of a...
Ah, fuck.
Are you okay? - Get away from me.
- What? - Get away from me, Greg.
- [Greg] What happened? What?
Did you get hurt? - Just go away!
- Wait, wait, wait. - Please.
Stop, Greg.
- [Greg] Where are the scars?
- Please, Greg, stop.
- [Greg] Where are the scars, Darren?
(Darren sobbing)
Show them to me.
It was all a lie?
- No.
- [Greg] You're just a fucking liar.
- No, it wasn't a lie. - You're such a fucking liar.
- Please, Greg, I just needed someone to believe me.
- [Greg] All of your pretentious bullshit about truth
and you're just a fucking liar!
- I just needed you to believe in me, please.
I didn't know what else to do.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, Greg.
Where are you going? - Truth my fucking ass.
- Where are you going? - I'm leaving, Darren.
What does it look like? - Please don't leave me.
You can't leave me down here with him.
He'll kill me.
Please, Greg. - Yeah?
- Please. - Good luck.
- Greg. - Bye, Darren.
- [Darren] Greg, no.
No, Greg, please!
(Greg panting)
- This is Greg Hartman of comm 43...
I can't remember the name.
I have to announce that
the Zardonicus project, my final project,
is officially canceled.
I just can't...
I'm sorry, Professor,
and I hope you understand.
(creature roaring) (Greg screams)
What the fuck?
What the?
(tense music)
- Oh God, please. - Darren?
- [Darren] Please, go away.
- [Greg] Darren, that's you, right?
- Please, Greg, help me.
Help me, Greg, help me! - Darren!
- Greg, are you still there? - Darren?
- Help me, Greg, please.
- Darren!
Don't kill him!
(tense guitar music)
(creature roars)
Darren! What the.
Darren?
What the fuck.
(creature roars) (Greg screams)
Darren?
Oh.
Darren.
You don't have to do this, Darren.
You really don't.
I believe you now.
No, I believe you.
Darren, I believe you.
I believe you, Darren.
You were right.
(creature roars) (Greg screaming)
(soft guitar music)
- [Police Officer] This is the police.
Wherever you are, come out with your...
Shit.
What the hell?
- [Investigator] So you have no idea what happened to him?
- No.
I don't think he made it.
- [Investigator 2] You don't think he made it?
So what, do you think he was injured?
- I think he got exactly what he wanted.
- [Investigator] And what was that?
- To meet Professor Zardonicus.
- [Investigator] Wait, wait, wait, so now you're saying
you believe in this Professor Zardonicus?
- I know what I saw.
I know what I saw.
(Greg sighs)
- Do you need help with that?
- No, that's okay.
It hasn't been too long
since I was on the other end of this operation.
- Okay, well, first of all,
I just wanna say thank you for doing this.
- Oh yeah, sure.
- I know it's been a lot for you.
- It is what it is, right?
- Mm-hmm.
So, I just wanna start off,
just how are you now after everything?
- Sure.
Well, since Darren's disappearance,
things have changed for me a lot.
So, I'm sure you guys know this,
but after everything came out
about what Darren and I were up to,
a huge scandal came out of it
and the film department decided
to put me under academic probation.
And on top of that,
the footage that I had been shooting leaked
and everybody saw it
and all these intimate moments
that Darren and I had.
Seeing those from a stranger's eyes, I guess,
puts a different perspective on the whole thing
and I just couldn't be on that campus
without thinking about him, honestly.
I decided to cut the cord.
Fuck.
I decided to cut the cord and drop out of school.
Which sounds like a pretty dumb idea right now.
My girlfriend at the time was a very,
she still is, a very ambitious person
and I think we both realized
that I was just dead weight to her
and that I probably had been for a very long time.
And yeah, that was the end of that.
So I'm kinda on my own these days.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
I kinda wanna focus more on Darren now,
if you don't mind.
I just wanna know,
'cause I know you've been looking for him.
- Well, I mean, looking for him,
I don't expect to find him.
What I've done is I've created a movement of sorts
to try to reach out to him, you know.
I want him to come back to me.
I want it to be a mutual thing
'cause I don't blame him for feeling
that I took advantage of him
and that I exploited him.
So I want him to know that I do care about him
and that I am sorry
and I've just been putting up these flyers and everything
hoping to hear back from him.
Obviously, nothing's come from that but
it does feel good knowing
that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
That's not something I've ever
really been able to say before but I can say it now
and that's at least one positive thing
I can say about this whole mess.
- Okay.
Does this involve anything
with Professor Zardonicus by any means?
I mean, you did say that you believe you saw him.
- Well, okay.
This is gonna be a little complicated
so just bear with me.
I saw him and I saw Darren Mitchell that night
together. - You saw, okay.
Both of them in the basement, right?
In the old science building.
- I saw them both at the same time.
- So you believe that Zardonicus took him?
- No.
- I'm sorry, I'm just,
I'm having a hard time following.
- No, I'm not good at explaining this.
You know these guys.
Professor Zardonicus is a good example.
- Like Big Foot? - Big Foot, Loch Ness Monster.
- Okay.
- We have all of these guys
and they're not creatures and monsters to us.
That's not why we care.
It's that they're Rorschach tests, really.
It's that they are what we need them to be.
And Professor Zardonicus,
Darren needed him to be real.
He needed that.
And so what he did was he made him real.
- I mean, to me it just sounds like
you think that Darren had just dressed up as a monster.
- I mean, I'm dressed up right now.
You guys all here, you're dressed up.
Right? Like-- - Yes.
- It's all about appearances
and it's all about becoming
that thing you were meant to be.
I mean,
what I saw that night, it was Professor Zardonicus.
You may not wanna call him that,
but that's what he was to me.
- So you're essentially saying
that Darren became Professor Zardonicus?
- I'm saying that Darren realized
to make something real you have to believe.
But to get people to believe, it has to be real.
- I do not wish to harm the Professor
or judge him in any way.
But my allegiance is to the truth
and the truth I shall have
at all costs.
Was that good or...
I mean, I felt like it was pretty good overall.
I don't think it was too rehearsed.
Yeah.
All right.
You wanna just?
(soft music)
♪ Relative circle of time ♪
♪ Paths of faith ♪
♪ Chance aligned ♪
♪ Sharing space ♪
♪ Sharing a path ♪
♪ Don't know why we're here ♪
♪ So get over this prophet of fear ♪
♪ Institutions have killed ♪
♪ Too many of us ♪
♪ Tears, sweat, and rain ♪
♪ Will save my skin ♪
♪ Eclipsed stars cast a shadow ♪
♪ Eyes roll to the back of the head ♪
♪ Just like old times ♪
♪ Things are the same ♪
♪ She's gotten older now ♪
♪ Cast in gray ♪
(soft music continues)