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(upbeat music)
- Good evening, everybody,
and thanks for coming to the show.
Let's give a warm, crazy Vernon BC welcome
to our guests of honor,
John Hollingsworth, Chris Reid, and Dave Lane,
here's your Fidgets!
(audience cheers and applauds)
- All right, are you ready to get started?
(audience cheers and applauds)
All right, are we gonna have a good show tonight?
(audience cheers)
Oh, yeah, we are, okay, Change is a sketch we do,
where Chris and I complete a scene,
but everything we say Dave has the power to say, change,
and when he says that, we have to change
the last thing that we said, okay.
So, the scene is, Doctor Chris
needs to have a sit down talk with John to talk to him about
how the operation didn't go as planned.
- I'm the doctor?
- You're the doctor. - Okay.
- And I'm-- - What was your operation?
- [Dave] Do you wanna get minor operation day surgery?
- Yeah, give me a minor, like day surgery--
(audience shouting)
Bunion infection?
(audience shouting)
- Hair transplant! - Hair transplant, really?
- Bunion infection.
- Oh, okay, on your toesies
- Yeah. - Sure, why not?
Okay, I'll be the doctor and you do the, okay.
- I'll have the bunion infection.
- Apparently.
- It sounds disgusting though.
Are you ready? - Yeah.
- All right.
Nurse I really need to see the doctor.
No, I really need to see the doctor!
Yeah, John Hollingsworth, tell him John Hollingsworth,
Doctor, hey!
What are you doing?
- I am smoking in my office.
- Change.
- I am having a cigarette.
- Change.
- Don't you know what I am doing?
Do you want to try, the cool kids do it?
- I don't think so, I don't think smoking is good for you.
But here's the thing, I need to talk to you
for a couple minutes about my operation.
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughs)
- 'Cause I am French.
- Yeah, I got that.
Doc, last week I was in here
to get my infected bunion repaired.
(speaking in foreign language)
Okay, remember, you looked at in the x-ray, and you said,
that infected bunion needs to be repaired.
- Change.
- You said that infected bunion makes me hungry.
- Change.
- You said that infected bunion looks like my mother.
(audience laughs)
- So, we jumped into, we got a surgery date right away,
because you were afraid for my life,
and you put me out, and my bunion is still infected.
(exhales)
- So, you have a problem
with your bunion still being infected?
- Yes.
- Okay, I want to ask you something.
How does your back feel? - Change.
- How does your butt feel? - Change.
- Can you see better? - Change.
- How do you smell? - Change.
- You know, if you had more hair on your back,
you'd probably be better looking.
(audience laughs)
But don't worry, I had already fixed it.
You probably just haven't seen your back yet.
(audience laughs)
- Are you telling me I went into the hospital, into surgery,
to get my infected bunion repaired,
(speaking in foreign language)
- 'Cause I'm French.
- And you did some sort of back hair transplant?
- Change.
- You did some sort of monkey to man hair transplant?
- Change.
- I now have the sheen of an Irish Setter on my back!
(audience laughs)
- You're correct.
Do you not remember when you came to my office and you said,
"Hey, look at my bunion and I had a full set of hair."
- Change.
- Do you not remember my locks on my head?
- [Dave] Change.
- Do you know how I look like Elvis, and I was like? (blows)
(audience laughs)
Do you remember that?
- I do remember you did--
- Does this seem familiar?
(audience laughs)
- Yes, that seems very familiar.
You seemed like you had way more hair on top of your head,
but I was out of it.
- I know, but now I have given you a favor, my friend.
I have put my hair on your back.
- Change.
- I have put all the things on my head under your back.
- Change.
- I took the things from your back and put them on my head.
- Change. (audience laughs)
- I have swapped the skin on your back
with the skin on my head
- Change.
- And I swapped the skin on your knee
with the skin on my knee.
- Change.
- Your elbows are now behind your neck.
The hair on my head is on your back,
and you have the ankles of four horses tilted backwards,
so when you run, they looks like this.
(audience laughs)
- Change.
- When you run, it looks like this.
- Change.
- When you run, you just fall down and you flap like this,
and then people go, "Are you okay?",
and through that sympathy, you are going to be promoted.
(audience laughs)
Oh, and you have a hairy back from my head.
- You did all that in 15 minutes?
- Change.
- You did all that in 45 minutes?
- Change. - Eight days ago I was fine!
- Yes, but now you are fine
and when you take off your shirt you look like a werewolf
who can't seem to stand up without siezuring.
- [Dave] Change.
- Yes, but now the animal protective control
is going to take care of you if you ever get in a bar fight.
(audience laughs) - Change.
- There is going to be protective people
who will look out for you,
and there will also those who are going to hunt you.
It is a fun game I made up,
and you have to find out how you're going to survive.
(audience laughs)
- Doc, I heard you were the best!
- Change.
- I heard you were great! - Change.
- [John] I heard you were absolutely amazing.
- [Dave] Change.
- I heard you were a ventriloquist.
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughs)
- 'Cause he is French.
- And I thought if he's talented with ventriloquism
maybe he's good at surgery.
In fact, it turns out that wasn't true.
I shouldn't of trusted you with my body.
- Change.
- I shouldn't of trusted you with how I look.
- Change.
I should not have trusted you at all.
(audience laughs)
- I'm going to stop you right there.
You came in for the bunion on your foot?
- Yes, I did.
- I made your life so much better
and more interesting, thank you!
- Yes, you did.
- National Geographic has already called.
And not only that,
but in my office, you are now the most famous person
I have ever had.
Not because you were famous, but because I made you famous.
- Change.
- Not because you were famous,
but because I'm going to make you famous.
- Change.
- Not because you're going to be famous, or you were famous,
but because I put your face into a frame,
and I said, "Frame this",
and my accent came out funny
and now people think your some sort of celebrity, famous!
(audience laughs)
I say, nurse can you frame this?
She goes, "Oh, he's famous?",
I go, (speaking in foreign language), 'cause I am French,
and now you think,
you're not famous though, but you could be famous.
I did not go to online college for this sort of thing, okay?
(audience laughs)
- Doc, you know what, I got to apologize, okay.
I came in here all stressed out,
and you're absolutely right.
I was getting a lot of phone calls
from people either wanting to protect me or to hunt me,
and I thought, this is useless,
but now I see I'm a unique commodity.
- Change.
- I see that I'm a one of a kind.
- Change. - I'm special.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, you are, and that was my hope for you.
So, I'm going to do you a favor.
I put your name in the paper,
and I'm not even going to charge you extra.
- Which paper?
- It was the local Citizen paper.
- Change.
- I did it online on a blog. - Change.
- So, I was at the coffee shop,
and I had a napkin with a pen--
- Change.
- I was at home and I was sitting down
on the bathroom - Change.
- And I had a magazine.
There was a mail order coupon for a return--
- Change.
- When I get tires, there's a rebate,
and you put the thing in with the rebate into the mail,
I also wrote those people a nice little note about you,
and I have a feeling it will show up in their newsletter.
- Awesome!
Well, doc, what can I say,
but thank you very much, you're a genius.
- Thank you, thank you.
(audience applauds)
- Woo! - 'Cause I am French.
(audience laughs)
- All right, how many people have the game Speak Out?
All right, so, cool game, lots of slobber.
What we did is we made that into an improv game,
and we're gonna do that today.
It's called Read My Lips, Read My Lips broken down,
is a sketch where
I have hired Dave, the coolest guy in school,
to coach me through my blind date with the lovely Christine.
(audience laughs)
who has some whiskers, but that's fine, that's fine.
She's got a great personality.
(audience laughs)
- So what we're gonna do,
is Dave is going to get some suggestions from the audience.
By the way, you guys have been giving us A plus ideas.
That's been amazing, thank you so much.
Oh yeah, give yourselves a hand.
(audience cheers and applauds)
All right, so Chris and I are gonna leave the room.
- You guys can leave and I'll get some suggestions.
- And you're gonna get some suggestions,
and, you've got everything you need?
- Okay, you go man. - Okay.
- All right as they're leaving - We're gonna go out
stairway, out door number 10.
- So, my job is gonna be this,
is to give John some advice on impressing this girl.
Now, when you wanna impress a girl,
there's a few things you have to address.
The first thing is this,
is you have to address her beauty.
All right, so what I need from you is this,
is give me a very unique eye color.
(audience shouting)
Turquoise.
- Okay, so we're gonna go turquoise, turquoise, all right.
So we're gonna say her eyes are as turquoise as,
give me a sea creature.
(audience shouting)
Turtle.
Okay, now, so we got a turtle,
so we got turquoise, we got turtle.
Give me a word that would describe a turtle.
- [Audience Member] Supercalifragilistic expeallidocious!
(audience shouting)
- What's that? - Slow.
- Slow, anything more creative than slow?
(audience shouting)
Slimy, we'll go slimy.
All right, we'll do slimy, so we're gonna say,
"Your eyes are as turquoise as a slimy turtle".
Now, once you've addressed her beauty,
what you wanna address next is this, is her intelligence.
And so what I need from you is this,
I need an expensive tool, an expensive tool.
(audience shouting)
Chainsaw, okay.
Now, describe for me what a chainsaw would be like,
creatively, what would it be like?
(audience shouting)
What's that?
What'd you yell?
Sharp, a sharp chainsaw okay.
All right, we're gonna say,
you're as smart as a sharp chainsaw, all right.
Now, once you've addressed her beauty,
and you have addressed her intelligence,
now what needs to happen is this,
is you need to go all out,
and you need to express your love.
So What I need from you is this,
is give me your favorite guilty pleasure snack.
I mean the stuff you eat that you shouldn't eat.
(audience shouting)
Nutella, all right.
Nutella, now describe for me what Nutella's like.
(audience shouting)
Okay, we're gonna say gooey, gooey, okay.
And so what we're gonna say at the end is this,
we're gonna say, I love you more than gooey Nutella.
So we'll say, her eyes are as turquoise as a slimy turtle,
she is as smart as a sharp chainsaw,
and then that we love you more than gooey Nutella
All right, you wanna bring them in?
- I have been waiting for years (hums), so happy about this.
Hey, buddy. - Hey, how you doing?
- What is, what, no no no!
- I got dental surgery.
You had dental work done?
- Yeah, but it's okay. - No, it's not okay!
Christine is coming in like two minutes!
- Yeah!
(audience laughs)
- How are you even gonna help me?
How are you gonna coach me? (Dave mumbles)
Yes.
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
Yeah, yeah yeah.
- Okay, ready?
- Yeah, but I can't understand anything you're saying.
- That's okay! - That's not.
I need Christine to fall in love with me.
(Dave mumbles)
She's got 14 guys after her.
(Dave mumbles)
Oh, man. - Look at you!
- Oh, she's here, she's here! (Dave mumbles)
Hey, hey, Christine, how are you doing?
- Super good.
(audience laughs)
- Wow.
Hey, I got a seat for us.
- You're so sweet.
- Let me just pull it right up here.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I'm so excited that you said you wanted to--
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
- You're a wobbly one aren't ya?
- It's the chair.
- It's the chair, for sure it is.
Look at you spin.
Hey, I just wanted to say I'm really glad you said
you'd come out, meet me at the old coffee shop.
I know, I know like, 14, 15 times I would say to you,
do you wanna go out with me, do you wanna go out with me?
and you always said no, and then this time you said yes!
- I don't know why (laughs).
(audience laughs)
- You know what, let's just have fun, let's just relax.
- Yeah, let's have fun.
- Because we could just be friends, and build from there.
- Yes, we can just be friends!
- Testing, testing, testing!
- Yeah, so anyways, there's a couple things
I just wanna say, just to start off the date.
First of all, you look great.
- I know.
- All right, and I've never seen
a girl wear a vest like that.
(Dave mumbles)
- I used to be a singer in a rock band.
- Oh, I see, okay, I bet you sing really well, anyways.
- No.
(audience laughs)
- It's rock music, it doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter.
- Anyways, I just wanted to say
- Okay, okay, your eyes are as turquoise as slimy turtles!
(audience laughs)
- Your eyes--
- Christine, I just wanna say that your eyes
- [Dave] Yeah, yeah, are as turquoise.
- Are as kook-eyed
(audience laughs)
- No no, turquoise, turquoise.
- Your eyes. - Yeah?
- I could get lost in your eyes.
They are as
- [Dave] Turquoise.
- They're as kook-eyed.
- Turquoise.
Turquoise.
- Click-eyed
(audience laughs)
That's what a wink is called, it's a click-eye!
- Member from back in the day they'd say, oh, click eyed.
- Your eyes are as click-eyed as a.
(Dave mumbles)
- Can you just excuse me for a minute?
- I hope so. - Okay.
You know what, just order anything off the menu,
I got my allowance today. - Oh, good, okay, thanks.
- What are you doing?
Click-eyed, what does that even mean?
- Turquoise, (mumbles) turquoise.
(audience laughs)
(Dave mumbles)
- I don't know what your saying!
- Turquoise.
- Check eyes. - Turquoise.
- Turquoise - Yes!
- Turquoise.
(John and Dave groan)
- Anyways, what did you order?
- Page seven.
- Oh, okay, you've got a healthy appetite.
- Yeah, it's the seafood, page seven.
- Your eyes are as turquoise--
- As slimy turtles.
(audience laughs)
Your eyes are as turquoise as phlegmy pickles.
(audience laughs)
- Is this 'cause of my singing voice?
- Yes, yes, they remind me of those pickles you eat,
and you get like a lot of phlegm in your throat.
- That's what we named the band, the Phlegmy Pickles.
(audience laughs)
- Your eyes. - Your eyes.
- Are as turquoise. - Your eyes are as turquoise
- As slimy turtles.
(audience laughs)
- As. - Slimy.
- Yeah.
- [Dave] Turtles.
- Turtles.
(audience claps)
Your eyes.
- Oh, that wasn't okay.
(audience laughs)
- Your eyes are as turquoise
as those slimy turtles we saw at the aquarium.
- Oh, I remember that, that was sweet.
- Remember that, that was a good memory we shared.
- Yeah, I was there by myself with my family,
and then there you were (laughs) weird.
- Just behind some garbage cans.
- No, it's fine, it was good.
- It was good. - It was good.
- Anyways, that was good memory.
You know what, that brings me to my second point.
The seafood is gonna be here in minute,
Before it gets here, I just wanted to tell you that you.
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
- [Dave] As a sharp chainsaw!
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
- Do you know Japanese?
(audience laughs)
- Konnichi-no I don't. (laughs)
No, I don't.
- Okay, all right, here's what I wanna tell you, you're--
- Is the seafood here-- - Hello.
- Oh, goodness!
(audience laughs)
- Would you like some water?
- What's wrong with his face?
- I don't know, I think he had--
- Oh, oh.
- Aw, come on! - That's awkward.
- Hopefully this is actual water.
Thank you, waiter, we ordered seafood.
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay.
- I lost my appetite with that thing
that happened with whats-his-face.
So, I'll be back in a minute.
- Okay, yeah, take your time.
- Thank you, I will, it's gonna be good, thank you,
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- [Dave] Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, would you stop touching me?
Okay, you said, "Turquoise as slimy turtles", I got that!
- That's good, that's good.
(Dave mumbles)
- Okay, but the next one, your snot?
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
What, your thoughts?
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
(Dave mumbles)
- Thought?
- No, smart.
- Smart? - Yes!
- You're smart.
(imitates chainsaw revving)
(audience laughs)
- Hey! - Hi!
- What did you do to your hair?
It looks great!
- They didn't have toilet paper so I just,
(audience laughs)
- I had to blow my nose on my hair is what I was saying.
- Okay, anyways, what I wanted to say, that was creative.
- Thank you.
- And you are as smart--
- As a sharp chainsaw
(audience cheers and applauds)
Once you get that motor going,
you cut through all the problems.
- Takes like seven pumps and some priming,
but once I get it figured out, I'm pretty smart.
- That's right, that's right,
and I happen to know your middle name is Husqvarna.
- That's 'cause you took my birth certificate, you weirdo.
(audience laughs)
- I did, I'll get that back to you
after I get it back from Staples.
- Okay.
- Anyways, I think the date's going well, don't you think?
- Sure. - Okay, all right.
There's one more thing I wanna say, all right,
and then we can go to the movies.
- Oh, good it doesn't end.
(audience laughs)
- All right, here's what I wanted to say, okay,
we know about your eyes, and I value your thoughts,
all right, you're a smart person,
(Dave mumbles)
- I love you more than gooey Nutella.
(audience laughs)
- Are you having a stroke?
I love you more than tangy Nutella.
- You love me more than tangy Nutella?
Do you even love tangy Nutella?
- Well, no, but you're above that.
- Hey, the waiter's here! - Hello!
- Hi, oh, good, it's some bread, that is not.
- Here you go.
- Still waiting on that seafood there, Pierre.
Yeah, I know, we're getting there.
- You know what, it's seafood, they probably had to cook it.
(Dave mumbles)
(audience laughs)
(Dave mumbles)
- Hey lock jaw, can you stop hitting on my date?
- Sorry, sorry! - That'd be great.
(audience laughs)
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Thanks, Danny Dental, thank you!
- I get it from all corners.
I gotta say, I love you more than--
- Gooey Nutella. - Gooey Nutella.
(audience cheers and applauds)
I love you more than gooey Nutella!
And your eyes are like turquoise slimy turtles,
and your thoughts are sharper than a chainsaw.
Will you marry me?
- Aw, yeah!
- I was gonna say no, but after that guy hit on you,
I think you might be more special than I thought.
Yeah, I'll marry you! - Yes!
(audience applauds)
Oh come on, you can do better than that.
(audience cheers and applauds)
There we go.
All right, how we doin', you guys having fun?
(audience cheers)
- All right, so the next sketch
we're gonna do is a sketch called, Late for Work.
Dave is our boss, I'm gonna call up some volunteers.
We've got Mrs. Crumb,
(audience cheers)
and Mrs. Deyoung.
(audience cheers)
and we've got Mr. Zuidhof,
(audience cheers)
And we've got Mr. Driediger.
(audience claps)
So come on up here.
Now, by the looks on their faces,
they didn't know they were on the volunteer list
but I'm okay with that.
Come on up, come on up.
First of all, give these guys a hand for helping us out.
(audience applauds)
- Okay, all right, so here's what we're gonna do,
we're gonna play late for work, Dave is the boss,
Chris and I are late for work.
We're gonna leave the room,
Dave is gonna get suggestions from you.
When we come in, ladies you will be telling Chris,
you'll be helping him figure out
how he's late for work, okay.
Gentlemen, you're on my team.
Objective, crush the ladies, all right.
(audience laughs)
You're gonna be helping me, not physically.
- I know, yes. (audience laughs)
- He flexed and I thought,
Oh, this is gonna get really bad. (groans)
(audience laughs)
It's the Mennonite blood I think.
(audience laughs)
So, Dave, you wanna take it from here?
- I'm ready to go, you guys gonna go out?
- Yeah, we're gonna go out.
- Who will come and get you when you're ready?
Are you gonna be far?
- Are we gonna be far, I don't know.
- All right, so guys, you're gonna do the actions for John.
So, lets get some suggestions.
First of all what I need is this,
I'm gonna write them down 'cause I forget 'cause I'm old.
Here's thing, famous monument in America?
(audience shouting)
Statue of Liberty I heard, okay.
Okay, now, I need something
that will never be an Olympic sport.
(audience shouts)
What's that?
(audience shouting)
Marshmallow what? - Roasting.
- Marshmallow roasting, okay, we'll do that.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
All right, now, I need a very unique tool
that you would use to renovate a home.
(audience shouts)
A what?
A bulldozer, I like that, we're gonna go with bulldozer.
That's what you use to demolish a house, excellent.
All right, so guys, you have Statue of Liberty,
that's the place, the thing they're doing
is marshmallow roasting, and the thing is bulldozer, okay.
So, Statue of Liberty, marshmallow roasting, bulldozer.
You got it?
And, we'll do it one at a time, all right.
Now, lets get some suggestions for the ladies for Chris.
Give me building that is drafty and cold.
(audience shouts)
I heard, okay, we're gonna go grandma's house
because my grandma's house is drafty and cold.
All right, now, here's another one, give me an activity
that you would likely hurt your knee doing.
(audience shouting)
Okay, hold on, give me something unique.
I don't want soccer or baseball, what'd you say?
(audience shouting)
Tiling, okay, excellent, tiling.
You guys ready for that, tiling?
And give me something in the kitchen
that needs to be plugged in.
(audience shouting)
I heard microwave, we're gonna go microwave.
All right, so, a building that is drafty
is grandma's house, all right.
An activity that you do
that you would hurt your knees is tiling,
and something you need to plug in
in the kitchen is a microwave, okay.
Grandma's house, tiling, microwave.
Okay, you guys got yours?
- Liberty, roasting marshmallows, bulldozer.
- Awesome.
Eddie, Betty are the boys here yet?
Oh, they're not.
Eddie, can you please send them in when they get here?
All right, thank you, all right, bye-bye.
Oh, these guys are always late.
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
Happy birthday, boss!
- Thank you, Jonathan,
but you do realize you're a little late.
Do you realize what time it is?
- I know I am late.
I know it is 11 o'clock in the morning.
- Do you know when we start working?
- Before that? - Exactly.
- However, I've been keeping track, for 364 days,
'cause it's your birthday.
- I know, John, and I appreciate that
but I got a business to run.
Could you, please, just tell me where you were?
- Where was I? - Where were you?
- Where was I?
Okay, I'll give you some hints.
All right - Okay.
- I was..
I was singing.
- Singing were ya?
- I was singing
- You got a lovely voice, do ya?
- I have a lovely voice, but I was angry.
- Oh, you're an angry singer, are ya?
- Oh, yes. - I like that.
- I was with royalty.
- Oh, you're singing to royalty?
- I was singing to royalty, they had a crown--
- Oh, that's great.
- And they were holding up a...
(audience laughs and applauds)
And then for awhile there I was constipated.
(audience laughs)
- [Dave] Jonathan, that's not good.
- Yesterday was a tough day.
- I can tell.
- I'll tell you what, I'll tell you where I was.
- Okay. - Okay, yep.
- I was, I had a little gas,
and I was reaching for the Tums,
where is the Tums?
I couldn't find it, but
I was looking at a,
I was sight-seeing, yeah.
- Oh, excellent, did you know where
you we're sight-seeing, John?
- I was sightseeing...
by an apple. - An apple?
- I was sightseeing by a big apple!
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you where I was.
- All right, I'm waiting for it.
- I was at the Statue of Liberty!
- Oh, that's great, that's great.
(audience cheers and applauds)
- All right, John.
- And I gotta good surprise for you!
- All right, all right, you're at the Statue of Liberty,
can I ask you what you're doing at the Statue of Liberty,
'cause you're a different little boy?
- I'm creative.
- You're very creative, yes you are.
- I think outside the box.
- Okay, so what were you doing at the Statue of Liberty?
- So, I went to see the Statue of Liberty,
and here's what I was doing.
- All right.
- I was...
(audience laughs)
- I was blowing kisses at strangers.
(audience laughs)
- Wow, that would of been great.
- I got down on my knees and I wanted to propose to someone,
and so I just kept (blowing).
- Just randomly, is that what you did?
- I'm now engaged. - How'd that go for ya?
- I'm now engaged to three ladies.
- Oh, way to go.
- Yes, I was, I was
- You weren't done?
- Besides getting engaged
(audience laughs)
I was lacking fiber in my diet.
and decided to have a camp fire.
- And what were you doing on the campfire?
- What was I doing on the campfire?
- Yes. - Roasting marshmallows!
- Oh, that's great.
- All right, so, let me get this straight, Jonathan.
What you did, is you went to the Statue of Liberty.
- Yes. - Instead of sightseeing,
- Roasting marshmallows!
- That's great.
- Right at the base of the Statue of Liberty,
right by her little toe.
- Okay, well, that's very impressive.
Now, Jonathan, you know this, that you been late many times.
But you know that you win me over
every time you bring me back something,
and I heard it's my birthday,
so what you bring me back?
- I got you something you're gonna show all of your friends!
- I remember last year's gift was great.
- Every barbecue you have,
you're gonna tell all your friends,
"Hey, come here, and look at this great gift John got me!"
- Okay, what you get me, Jonathan?
- I'll give you a hint, it's huge!
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- And it's gonna make you have seizures!
- Oh, I can't wait!
- I'm just trying to remember how to describe it.
(audience laughs)
- Take your time, John, don't rush, don't rush.
- You know how you're building a house?
I got you a jackhammer!
- Oh, a jackhammer?
- Not just a jackhammer, though, something more bigger!
(Dave gasps)
Bigger than a jackhammer.
(audience laughs)
I got you a snow plow!
- Oh, a snowplow?
- Bigger than a snowplow!
- This is getting exciting!
- I got you a--
- It was a jackhammer, now it's a snowplow,
what could it possibly be now?
- What could be bigger than a snowplow he wondered.
(audience laughs)
- I got you a bulldozer!
- Oh, Jonathan!
(audience cheers and applauds)
- It's a bulldozer for you!
- That's great, I always wanted a bulldozer!
- I know!
- All right, now it's time to go back to work.
And if you see Christopher, please send him in.
- I need to go in my office.
- All right, I'm gonna go that way.
- I'm gonna go this way. - Okay.
- All right, thank you so much, happy birthday!
- Thank you very much. - It's the boss' birthday!
(audience applauds)
- Oh, look who it is, it's Christopher!
Thank you so much for gracing us with your presence.
Do you realize that you're late for work again?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, listen to me, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I'm not gonna beat around the bush anymore.
Where were you?
- Your accent's funny (laughs).
- Thank you.
- I was somewhere super important.
- Were ya?
- Yeah, I was gonna be here, but I didn't, so.
- So what's more important than work?
- My mom was in a home.
- Oh, your visiting your mother?
- Yeah.
- What a good little boy you are.
I know, see it was good, right?
No, I was...
(audience laughs)
It was square, and there was an old person.
I was playing Monopoly.
- With an old person?
- No, like the monocle guy. - Oh, I see.
- I was struggling, is what I was doing.
(audience laughs)
- I was in a church, a house, I was in a house.
- You're in a house?
- I was in a--
- Who's house were you in?
- Was in the house!
(audience laughs)
- Like a party time? - Yeah, I know, right, yeah.
- [Save] So, you were in a house.
Who's house were you in?
- I think I was just in, like, a retirement home,
and I was up in the attic of a retirement home.
(audience laughs)
I was spying on old people in the attic!
- That's a little awkward.
- No, it's great, I'll take their things like,
where are they going? - Let me tell you something,
Chris, you're in the house of an old person,
who was that old person?
Was that someone near and dear to you?
- I was in the house of an old person.
- Was that person near and dear to ya?
- It was an old boxer.
(audience laughs)
- An old boxer? - A championship boxer.
- [Dave] Did you know this old person?
- It was my mother.
- Oh, is she that old?
- It was my grandmother.
- [Dave] Oh, you're at your grandmother's house!
- [Chris] I was at my grandma's house!
- All right, so Christopher, you're late for work.
I do love my grandmother, so I do get it,
but what were you doing at your grandma's house.
- Oh no, its a really good, okay,
the reason I was there is 'cause she fell down, right.
- [Dave] Oh, she fell down?
- [Chris] Doing yoga, and I folded her in half
- You folded her in half?
How did she feel after you fold her in half?
- I don't know, I tried to glue her leg back together.
- Oh, you glued her, did she like that?
- No, 'cause she, after I, she,
I put her in a box.
- So let me get this right, - And then I covered her.
- You went to your grandma's house, you put her in a box,
and you covered her up?
- That's what it sounds like.
- [Dave] You're a crazy gent.
(audience laughs)
- No, I didn't do that, that would be ridiculous.
It looks like I did that, but that is not what I did.
- So, you went to your grandma's house,
did you help her do something?
- Probably not.
I was down, I was folding things, and I was--
- You were folding?
- Yeah, making sandwiches, no I wasn't.
- You're making a sandwiches?
- I wasn't making sandwiches.
I was putting something on the ground,
and then drawing lines and rubbing it around.
- You were drawing lines and rubbing it around
at your grandma's place?
- Hey, it's my grandma's house!
I do what I want! - I'm not arguing with ya.
- I was laying bricks.
- You were laying bricks on the ground?
- I was trying to box her in. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- So, Chris, if you're gonna lay something on the ground,
I don't think it'd be bricks, would it?
- I don't know, man!
(audience laughs)
I wasn't building it up, I was building it around.
- So, you're laying something on the floor are ya?
- A road, a cobble road, a stone road.
- Inside?
- No, I was doing a driveway.
I was doing a garden.
- In your grandma's house, let me walk you through this.
- Holy cow!
- You're in your grandma's house,
and you're on the ground inside,
and you said you're laying bricks,
what you doing laying bricks inside?
- I'm not laying bricks.
I was spreading something.
- All right, spreading it - And putting it down.
- And arranging it. - And spreading it
and putting it down.
- Was there a lot of them in a row?
- Yes. (audience laughs)
- So, what would that be in a row?
- Dominoes, I don't know!
- Your grandma's house is made of dominoes?
Is that what you're saying to me?
- I could really use a sounds like right about now.
(audience laughs)
- All right, I'm filing this in my head.
I'm gonna file it in my head.
- I was making a filing cabinet.
- You said to rhyme, I'm rhyming, all right?
- I was piling
- You're not piling anything!
(audience laughs)
You might pile them before you lay them!
- Oh, Oh my goodness!
(audience laughs)
- What were you doing?
- I was fixing her shower,
all the tile in the bathroom got messed up.
- All right, that's good!
(audience cheers and applauds)
You're laying bricks! - That was an adventure!
I was an adventurous youth
and I just have a hard time thinking now.
- So, let me get this straight,
the reason you're late is you were at your grandma's house,
you're laying tile in her shower for her.
- That's a good grandson
- I know it sounds ridiculous.
- No, I have to let you off this time
because that's being a good grandson, I get it, it's great,
but here's the thing, you know I love it when you bring me
little gifts, little trinkets, little souvenirs.
What did you bring me back from your grandma's house?
- I brought you a bribe.
- A bribe, what'd you bring me?
- Oh, it's really good.
So, I picked this up last night,
and I thought you would really appreciate.
- What is it?
- I don't know. - All right.
- It looks like
a door.
(audience laughs)
It looks like an elevator.
- It fit in my hand, that elevator.
- I didn't say it was a good elevator.
(audience laughs)
I got you a fridge.
- From your grandma's house - I got you a fridge.
I took my grandmother's fridge and I gave it to you,
and there's a ghost in it.
(audience laughs)
- There's a ghost in your grandma's fridge?
- Yeah, I didn't make the rules up.
There's food in the fridge, I take it,
oh, there's a bird, get it out of your office!
(audience laughs)
Oh look, it's a...
(audience laughs)
Oh, so.
- All right, what you bring back, it's in my hand.
- See, it's actually. (blows air)
- You blew it up?
- Oh yeah, no, it's great.
It's really light and then when you plug it in
it just flashes 12 o'clock for like 10 days
'cause you can't figure it out.
- You blew it up.
- I got you a camping blow-upable microwave.
- Oh, I've always wanted one.
- Yeah, it's pretty good. - That's great!
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Is that okay?
- I love microwaves, I've never seen a blow-up one before.
- Neither have I, but it had to fit in your hand.
- All right, I'll just put it in my pocket.
You can go back to work.
- Can I keep my job?
- You can, thank you very much, that's great, all right.
(audience applauds)
- Okay, so by round of applause, who did it better?
Was it the guys?
(audience cheers and applauds)
Was it the ladies?
(audience cheers)
I have to say, I have to say, the guys took it.
- I think I had a lot to do
with the negative performance of the ladies.
(audience laughs)
- I liked the Statue of Liberty up here,
this was great, this was like.
- Even people that have never seen a floor before,
knew that was tiling.
(audience laughs)
Our next sketch is called, "Helping Hands".
Here's how it works, Helping Hands,
is a scene where Dave and I are gonna do a scene,
and we have two volunteers from the audience,
who are going to move us around
because we can't move ourselves, all right.
So, we're looking for a Mrs. Overand and Elena.
(audience claps)
- Here we go. - Yay!
- Oh, come on you can do better than that!
(audience cheers and applauds)
There we go, all right, all right.
So, here's how it's gonna work, all right,
Mrs. Overund, you're gonna be moving Dave.
- Like now?
- No. - Soon, very soon!
- Don't move 'em yet. - Pretty excited.
- She's a take control person, isn't she?
- I'll move him right now.
- She'd make a great teacher I think.
All right, ere's how it works, okay.
Now, you listen for Dave's cue.
If Dave says, "I have to reach something from the cupboard",
you're gonna lift his hand, all right?
If you don't move it down, it's gonna stay there.
When you need to move him around,
move his shoulders, you can move his feet.
When he wants to move forward or back,
forward you just tap the back of his legs.
The faster you tap the faster he goes, okay.
You want him to move back you just tap
the front of his knees there,
and when you want him to look around,
just remember he's not an owl,
and we're gonna gently turn his head.
All right, easy enough?
- I think I got it. - Okay.
Chris, can you read our scene for us?
- Probably, all right.
Helping Hands, Dave, you're a professional golfer,
and you have put out your back,
so you must see rogue physiotherapist John
before your masters game.
- I'm a rogue physiotherapist.
Dave are your hands clean or dry or?
- Yeah, they're okay.
(audience laughs)
I'll be touching you, don't worry about it.
- Wow, my life is great.
All right, Elena, you're over here.
Okay, Dave, you've got the ball.
- Okay, you ready - Yep.
- Oh, my back is hurting right there, my back!
I got to touch it with my hand.
Oh, yeah, right there!
I need some help.
I gotta bang on the door, get the doctor's attention.
Hey, doc!
(audience laughs)
I'm here, I need help!
- It sounds like a master golfer's at my door.
I'm gonna walk over there and open that door.
(audience laughs)
- I'm coming, I'm coming!
(audience laughs)
I've got arthritis.
(audience laughs)
That was a sudden stop.
(audience laughs)
We were not expecting that.
All right, just let me open the door.
Oh, it's a tiny door that opens vertically.
(audience laughs)
It's like an accordion door, come on in!
- Hey, doc, let me look at ya!
(audience laughs)
It's great to see ya!
- Are you, you, are you a famous golfer?
- I am!
- Oh my goodness. - Do you want my autograph?
- Yes.
- Okay, let me write it here, with a pen.
I have piece of paper.
- Just write it real quick.
- Okay, there we go. - And throw it to me.
- Okay.
- Throw it. - I will.
- Okay. - Throw it.
- There we go.
(audience laughs)
Wow, that's wet paper! - It is.
(audience laughs)
- I'm just gonna put this in my pocket.
- Okay. - There we go.
Okay, why don't you come in and
tell me what the problem is. - I would love to come in.
You start and I'll follow you.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
- Here I come!
(audience laughs)
- Just follow me!
(audience laughs)
Okay! - I'm here!
- Now, let me take a look at your swing.
- Okay.
- Back up a bit. - All right,
- 'Cause I don't wanna be hurt.
Do you have to pee? - I think so.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, now show me.
- Show 'em the way you position yourself!
- That's right, pretend you have a club in your hands.
- I'm gonna grab my club, I brought it with me.
I'll bend down and grab it.
Got it!
Okay, now watch this,
I'm gonna grab the club with both hands,
(audience laughs)
- I'm gonna pull back, now, just watch my hips.
(audience laughs)
Look at my hips. - Yep, looking.
- See the way they wiggle? - Yep.
- Look at them, they wiggle, see that.
All right, it's all about the wiggle in the hips,
and the follow through, so, wiggle!
(audience laughs)
- Follow through!
- There we go!
(audience laughs)
It's like I'm chopping down a tree!
- All right, I think I see what the problem is.
Let me tap my forehead and look like an expert
Oh.
(audience laughs)
Yes, I know what the problem is, okay.
- Okay.
- You. - Yes?
- Have terminal carpal tunnel.
- Oh, that doesn't sound good, doc.
- It can be fixed. - Okay.
- That's a different type of terminal.
- [Dave] All right.
- All right, so here's what I'm gonna do,
the first thing I'm gonna do,
we need to get your back's attention,
and we do that with something I call, the Spooning Bear Hug.
- [Dave] Oh!
(audience laughs)
Well, let me get in the position here, doc,
let me straighten out.
- Yeah, stand up straight.
Okay, and face side-ways, there you go.
I'm gonna come around behind you,
- [Dave] Okay.
(audience laughs)
- All right.
(audience laughs)
Here I come, sneaking up behind you.
(audience laughs)
I'm just gonna put my arms around your chest, there we go.
- Hey, doc? - Yep!
- Would you be okay if held you as well?
I just feel more secure that way.
- Oh, sure, that's fine. - Okay, here I come.
- Just turn right around, or do that.
(audience laughs)
okay. - I feel spooned!
(audience laughs)
- All right, now, I'm gonna squeeze your chest real hard,
and bend you backwards.
- Here we go.
- And you're gonna feel the crack.
- Okay. - Here we go.
(back cracks) - Oh.
(audience laughs)
- Wow! - Did you feel that?
- I felt something. - Yes.
All right, I'm gonna let go, and I'm gonna back away,
and I want you to shake it off.
- Okay. - Here we go.
(audience laughs)
- Look at that.
(audience laughs)
- You're a little looser! - Wiggle my hips again, hips!
Oh, yeah.
- You're a little looser, I have some hope for ya!
- Are we done? - No, no, no,
we got it loose for now,
but you don't want it to happen again.
- No, I don't. - Okay, here's the number one,
the number one - Let me look at ya!
- The number one thing we need you to do.
- Let me look at ya.
- Look at me.
(audience laughs)
- I'm up here. - Where?
- I'm up here.
- Oh, there you are. - There we go!
- All right, I need you to get on all fours.
- This sounds dangerous.
- You know what, it's for your health
and I'm willing to take that risk.
- Okay, I'm going down now.
- Okay, just down on all fours,
just hop right down, hoppity-hop, hop.
(audience laughs)
There you go.
(audience laughs)
That's all threes, okay.
(audience laughs)
You looking for a hydrant?
(audience laughs)
- I don't know, all this excitement.
- All right, now your back is loose now,
but we need to make it stay loose.
So, I'm gonna come around to your right side.
- Yeah.
- I wish my knees worked better than they do,
I'll tell you that.
(audience laughs)
Here we go, all right, now,
I am just going to throw myself over your back.
- Hey, doc, I don't think I like that.
(audience laughs)
- You know what?
All treatment is painful.
No pain, no brain. - And terrifying.
- Okay, I'm just gonna lower myself.
(audience laughs)
- I'm just getting...
(audience laughs)
Oh, there we go.
- You're gonna ride me like a pony?
(audience laughs)
- I was not expecting this,
but I think it's an alternative treatment.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you're heavy!
(audience laughs)
- Look at that, I rode you, and now I just climbed off.
(audience laughs)
Not even expecting that.
(audience laughs)
How's your back feel? - Worse.
(audience laughs)
- All right, ne last thing to do
and we'll submit this treatment in.
I just need you to lie on your tummy.
- I don't know, okay.
- There we go, you're doing good Davey.
Pretty soon you'll be golfing like an expert.
- Great, there you go! - Ow, ow.
(audience laughs)
- [John] That's called the kitty cat pose.
(audience laughs)
- Meow! (groans)
(audience laughs)
- That's good, all right, now here's what I'm gonna do,
this little treatment,
this is why I'm a rogue physiotherapist.
- I don't feel comfort with this.
(audience laughs)
- Other physiotherapist would never do, the steam roller.
(audience laughs)
Are you ready, Dave?
- I don't think so.
- You probably wanna straighten your legs out.
- Okay.
- There you go.
All right, real gentle now, I'm just going to cross.
(Dave whimpers) No need to whimper.
(audience laughs)
- Here we go, here we go, I'm just about to.
- Oh, what are you doing?
- I'm not sure. (audience laughs)
- I was looking for your health card.
(audience laughs)
- You can get that later, doc!
- It's not in your-- - I'll give it to you later.
- All right, I'm just gonna bridge you.
Right now, I'm just crawl right over you.
Here we go, here we go.
Oh yeah, oh, this is good. (Dave groans)
Oh, yeah. - Oh, doc.
(audience laughs)
What are you doing?
- I'm not sure what I'm doing.
(audience laughs)
- I'm pretty sure a steamroller doesn't work like this.
(audience laughs)
And I'm pretty sure my legs don't work like that!
(audience laughs)
Okay, How are you feeling now?
- Are we snuggling now, doc?
(audience laughs)
Is step two the treatment?
Spoon then snuggle!
- I need to reinforce good behavior (laughs).
All right, I have a feeling you're cured.
- I think I am! - Okay.
(audience laughs)
- Just let me hop right up, I'm just gonna hop right up.
(Dave groans)
Here we go.
Yeah, I don't wanna be around this area too long.
(audience laughs)
You're looking good already.
I can tell you got no more curvature of the spine.
I'm just gonna stand up here,
'cause your foot's in a bad spot.
(audience laughs)
Like a real bad spot, stop it!
(audience laughs)
Stop moving your.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, there we go, oh yeah, oh, this is easy.
Oh, the temptation right now.
(audience laughs)
all right, I'll back up, and you just hop up,
and you show me your swing.
'Cause I think you've got it back, my friend.
- Here I come.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, just hop right up.
Just hop up!
(Dave groans)
Here we go.
(Dave groans)
(audience laughs)
- Here we go.
- You're kinda like a robot.
(audience laughs)
Like a robot that's constipated.
(audience laughs)
So good.
- I'm just taking my time, doc.
- The circulation's returning to all your limbs.
- And I'm taking it all in. - here, let me help you up.
I'll put my hands on your something
- I feel sassy.
- There we go, here we go, and up!
Up you come, up, up!
Oh!
Oh. - Oh, oh.
- Okay, take a couple steps and shake it out.
- Okay, take a couple steps.
- Take a couple steps. - Couple steps.
- Here we go, taking a couple steps.
Not me.
(audience laughs)
- All right, let me get in position.
- All right, show me that golf swing.
- Let me grab my club. - Okay.
Ta-da!
- Look at you, swing it! - Both hands!
It's all in the hips, pull back, wiggle the hips,
(audience laughs)
and follow through!
Follow through!
- [Audience Member] Follow through!
- Follow through!
Yes! - And down you go!
That's amazing, you're cured!
- Doc, can I give you a hug?
- Yes!
- And to show you how good I am,
I'm gonna back up and run into your arms.
- Put the golf club down. - I will
(audience laughs)
- Down it goes!
(audience laughs)
- Let me just get a running start,
gonna go over there and run.
- I'm a scarecrow.
- Here we go.
- [John] I'm a scarecrow with scoliosis.
- Okay, let me turn around.
- Here you come. - Here I come.
(audience laughs)
- [John] Caw, caw!
(audience laughs)
No crows are eatin' my corn. - Here I go!
- Here he comes, here he comes, hands up!
(Dave grunts)
(audience laughs)
- Let me hug you! - Okay.
- [Dave] Let me wrap my arms, there's one, there's two.
- You are cured! - Thank you, doc.
- All right, thank you.
Thank you ladies, you were awesome!
(audience cheers and applauds)
- [Dave] Thanks guys, great job.
- [Chris] That was very good, thank you.
That was awesome (laughs).
- Are you guys having fun?
(audience cheers)
That's awesome, okay.
It is time,
for Mouse Trap.
(audience cheers)
- That's right. - All right, here we go.
We're parting the curtains.
- [Audience] Ooh!
- [Dave] Wow.
- It doesn't look that bad, right guys?
[Audience] No!
- [Chris] It's totally cool.
- All right, so, Mouse Trap,
The sketch Mouse Trap, basically, the recap is,
we are going to listen to Chris' direction.
We're going to have bare feet,
and we're gonna be blindfolded
and Chris is gonna direct us to roll, step, walk, hit
every mouse trap that is set on the stage,
which I've been led to believe is over 200.
- 250, yeah. - There's 250, so.
(audience cheers)
All right, so Chris,
you are going to be the head elf working for Santa.
- Sure am.
- And We are?
- [Audience Member] Slave elves.
- We are slave elves. thank you!
(audience laughs)
- [Chris] Security.
- All righty. - Are you ready?
- Wanna move over here? - Yeah.
Goggles on. - Goggles on.
- Googly eyes on. - Googly eyes.
(audience laughs)
- Did you roll up your sleeves?
- What?
- Did you roll up your sleeves?
- Why?
- Well, 'cause I wanna match.
- 'Cause you gotta get it on your forearms
if you're touching the mouse traps.
- There we go.
- Obviously. - More pain.
- [Chris] That's right, okay, ready?
- No, I got one more sleeve.
- [Chris] Okay, well, John, come on!
- Sorry, it was all sleeve-y
- [Chris] You're getting the worst of it.
- All right, Dave, are you there.
Okay.
Are you nervous, I'm nervous.
As a first year elf, I can't believe Santa asked us
to cover for him in the last house.
- This is my first day on the job.
- Oh, man, man, man, we could screw this up in so many ways.
I wanna make Santa proud of us.
- I know, so do I, so do I, so do I.
We can do this though, I'm sure of it.
- Are you there, Chris?
- Hey, Davey, Johnny,
look I don't know how to tell you this,
Santa doesn't have a lot of faith in you, okay,
so, I'm here to help you out.
We can't turn on any lights, and it's pretty dark
so I got some night cameras set up.
I'm in the van, the security van parked around the corner.
I'm just gonna lead you through everything,
through your little in ear pieces, okay?
- Yeah. - So, now look,
where are you guys, are you guys on the roof yet?
- We're on the roof, We're right by the chimney.
- Okay, good, good, good.
Now, listen, this is very important,
there's some loose shingles so you gotta be careful.
I want you to slowly take a few steps forward
towards the chimney.
(gasping)
- Okay.
- [Chris] Perfect, a little more, good, good.
(yelling)
- Hey, I think there's squirrels up here!
- There probably are, now wait, wait.
Now, what I need you guys to do is, I need you Johnny,
I need you to take step to your left just a little bit.
- Left, okay. (mouse trap clicks)
- Little more, little more, little more, there you go.
David, I need you to take a step to your right
a little bit, little bit, there you go, get right in there,
yeah, yeah, keep going, okay, good, good.
Now, boys, you're near the chimney.
I want you to get down and crawl into the chimney.
- Crawl in the chimney?
- Yeah, it's not very far forward,
but just get down and crawl forward
a little bit into the chimney.
- Does Santa do this every Christmas?
(Dave yells) (audience laughs)
- [Chris] I'm gonna be honest, he hires it out a lot, okay.
Good, good, good, now, Davey, I need you, okay good.
Now, Move forward a little bit, get into the chimney.
Little bit more, little bit more.
Come on boys, come one, they don't have all night,
they're gonna wake up, let's go, lets go, okay.
(John grunts)
Good, good, good.
(mouse traps click)
Okay, Davey, Johnny, listen to me, this is very important.
You're a little to far to the right,
I need you to get to the left as you exit the fire place.
Get to your left as you exit.
- I'm so glad we're exiting-- (shouting)
- [Chris] Guys, there's probably LEGO on the floor
from the kids. - There's lots of LEGO!
- I know, okay, to the left, keep going,
crab walk to the left, you guys got this, keep going,
little more, just to the left, Davey,
just to the left, just to the left, Davey.
- Left, okay. - The other left.
- We can do this, Dave, we can do this!
- I know, Santa will be so proud of us.
- He's gonna be so proud. (grunts)
- My toe, my toe. - Are you guys okay?
- Just breathe through it, just breathe through it,
we can do this.
- [Chris] A little more to the left, keep going, keep going.
(Dave yells) (mouse traps click)
Now, this is very important.
(audience laughs)
- John, John, you okay?
- I think it chopped my toe off!
(audience laughs)
- John, we're gonna get through this.
- Guys, I need you to focus, okay?
Now listen, there is a dog in the house,
who is a very light sleeper.
- Okay.
- Now, I need you to take this very seriously, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
- There is a small chance that dog will see you,
if you don't crawl below the doggy gate
so you gotta make sure you get down real low,
on your stomachs and army crawl, just a couple feet.
(mouse traps click) (John yells)
(yelling) (mouse traps click)
Down, Davey, down, Davey, crawl, yeah, yeah.
- Ow!
(shouting)
- You guys, I think you passed the doggy gate.
Now look, I need you to make your way to the living room,
come forward for me.
- Can you see the whole blueprint of the house?
- [Chris] I can see everything.
(Both grunt)
You're about 30 percent of the way there.
- No! - 30!
- You're okay, okay, look, you guys can stand up now.
Stand up real quick. - I don't think I can!
- You can do it, Davey, get up real quick, come on.
(mouse traps click)
Good boy, Johnny, waiting on Davey.
Don't move, you guys are a team, you work together, okay.
- Come on, buddy. - Come on, Davey.
- [John] What part of your body is this?
- My back. - Okay, good (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Up you go, up you go, okay, okay.
Now look, I need you to pay attention, okay,
I didn't wanna make you guys nervous,
but this is actually a pretty famous person's house.
They have some pressure sensors on the floor,
but they only go off
if there is a lot of weight in one spot.
So what you have to do is
move your feet around real quick all over the place.
- Twinkle toes.
- That's right, to the left, to the right, yeah.
Big circles, step around in circles, big circles.
You're so close, good, now, come forward, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Davey to your left, Johnny to your right, good, good,
to your left, Davey, to your left, to your left.
(mouse traps click) (shouting)
Stop, stop!
(audience laughs)
(Dave whines)
(audience laughs)
- I wanna go home!
- You're so close.
Now, there's a tree, Johnny I need you turn around.
You're facing the wrong way, Johnny.
- Don't leave me, Johnny.
There's a tree in front of you, I need you--
(groaning)
- That was a tender spot.
- [Chris] I'm sure it was, but listen,
you're right by the tree, get down on your hands and knees.
- Okay. (yells)
Hey, hey, I just realized something!
I'm Jewish, I don't even celebrate Christmas!
- It's okay, it's for a good cause.
Get down, now, don't move forward just get down.
Davey, you need to get down too, big guy.
- You get off my back.
(audience laughs)
- Don't move forward, don't move forward.
I need you guys to roll to your left.
Johnny, just roll to your left.
- Roll? - Roll to your left.
(mouse traps click)
That's great (laughs).
Just to your left, not forward, just to your left.
(Dave yells)
(audience laughs)
Keep going, there's so much more space
you gotta come into your left. - I can't get him off!
- Just roll with him, roll him onto the left, it's okay.
(Dave yells) (mouse traps click)
(Dave yells)
- Okay, okay, good, good, good, boys, focus, focus.
(Dave yells) (mouse traps click)
- Stop, stop!
(audience laughs)
(John grunts)
I feel like I'm giving birth!
(audience laughs)
- Boys, I need you to focus.
- Okay, okay, we're almost there, Dave,
Santa Clause, proud of us!
- [Chris] I need you to crawl over Davey for me,
and there's a power bar for the tree.
We need to light up the tree,
so it has a Christmas vibe when those kids get up.
- I feel lit up. (mouse traps click)
- [Chris] It's okay, I know,
you look like you're in some pain, but I'm proud of you.
John, you're not even facing the right way, pivot.
More, more, more, perfect. (Dave yells)
He found the power bar, it's okay the trees on.
Now listen, I need you to grab--
- [Dave] Stop, stop, no!
No, no, no, no, ow, ow, ow, ow!
No!
- John. - Yeah?
- I need you to grab the presents
off Dave's back in the knapsack, okay?
- Yep. (groans)
(audience laughs)
- [Chris] Be quiet or the dogs gonna hear you.
- Shh, we're almost through.
I unzipped it, I think it's an Etch A Sketch.
- [Chris] It probably is, Santa's cheap.
now, what I need you to do is,
put it under the tree carefully.
- Where's the tree? - It's right in front of you.
I need you to get on your hands and knees,
and crawl under the tree.
Don't disturb the lights, it's very well decorated, okay?
(Dave yells)
- Hold on, Dave, I got the present.
- [Chris] Now, wait, this is very important,
don't move yet, Dave.
(audience laughs)
- Chris, you there?
(audience laughs)
- It was a bird!
Now, what I need you to do, Dave,
is I need you to move to your left.
This is very important, Dave.
Before John does anything,
move to your left you need to get out of the way.
All the way to the left, as far as you can.
Not forward, just to your left.
Just to your left, way over.
You got like 10 feet to go to your left.
Not forward, just left.
You can do it, Dave.
It's only three o'clock in the morning, we got time.
That's good, that's good, perfect!
Now, Johnny, move forward and to your left a little bit.
- Okay, 'cause I got the Etch A Sketch right here.
- You have the Etch A Sketch, good.
Now, Davey, stay out of the way.
John, I need you to place that
under the tree very carefully.
- [Dave] Ow, oh!
(audience laughs)
- [John] Look how quiet I'm being though.
- Now, there's a lot of fake snow
around the bottom of the tree,
You guys disturbed it, so I need you to pack it down, John.
Just slap around as much as you can.
All over (laughs), to the right, to the left,
way in front of you, all around.
There's so much more snow you need to pack down.
Keep going, keep going, you're so close.
Oh, Davey, oh, you're right there.
Oh, oh, Davey, okay, now, guys,
The snow is beautifully packed.
The present is under the tree.
I'm gonna send in two drones
to teleport you out using Santa's magic.
And come to think of it,
we probably coulda use them to teleport you in,
(audience laughs)
But that's irrelevant now,
we're gonna use them to teleport you out, okay?
- Okay, sure! - Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay, ready, boys? - Yeah.
(mouse traps click)
Thank you, I am so proud of you for helping Santa.
(audience cheers and applauds)
That deserves a lot, that deserves a lot.
(audience cheers and applauds)
- That hurt.
- [Chris] I'm really proud of you guys.
Yeah, that hurts, eh?
- Yeah. (laughs)
- It's tough, but we did it.
- Yeah, that's right.
- All right.
- [Audience Member] You're missing an eyeball!
Did you guys have fun tonight?
(audience cheers)
Did we raise money for a good cause?
(audience cheers)
all right, very good, we wanna thank all the volunteers
who helped us out, we want to thank the Vernon
and District Performing Arts Center!
(audience cheers and applauds)
Thanks, everybody, we love you so much!
We'll see you at the back.
(upbeat music)
- I like the one where the
two gentlemen and two women went up on stage
and had to act out,
and they had to guess what the lines were.
- Well, you know, the favorite part of the show was
I guess the whole thing, they held the audience very well.
(upbeat music)
- [Interviewer] And would you come back
to another Fidgets show?
- Yes - Definitely.
(upbeat music)