WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for Khalid Bounouar!

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DJ Wati, man!

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Awesome, awesome!

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We're finally allowed to perform again.

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I'm so happy to be back out here.
It's so awesome.

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It's so crazy, dude!

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This coronavirus is doing us in.

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It was so crazy at the peak of corona.

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You're stuck
with your family the whole time.

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I had it real bad.
There were 48 of us in one room.

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All siblings. It was really hard.

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Then, all my friends called at once.
They called every day.

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Everyone was bored with nothing to do.

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They all started call me every day.

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But not normal calls.
No, they were video calls.

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All of sudden,
we had WhatsApp group video calls.

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One person calls
everyone for a video call.

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And don't think
they called to ask how you're doing. No!

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The first thing
my fellow desert people asked me was,

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"Brother, you need masks?"

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They wanted to palm masks off on me.

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Even the hospitals
and pharmacies were out.

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But my desert friends had masks.

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They all had masks and good prices.

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They were real experts
and would negotiate with you.

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Let's be real.

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Everyone here tonight
is a mask expert now.

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We know everything about them.

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Which ones there are, their names.

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We didn't know anything a year ago.

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Now we know.
There are FFP2s. With or without filter.

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There are KN95s.
There are surgical masks.

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There are reusable masks,
non-reusable masks.

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Cotton masks,
polyester masks, synthetic masks.

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Masks you can only wash at 70 degrees.
I swear, brother. Only at 70!

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No more, no less.

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If they shrink in the dryer,
that's your fault.

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Use them to keep your balls warm.

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We know everything about masks.

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We're mask pros now.

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While we're on the topic,

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if any of you need masks,
I'll be out front after the show.

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I have good masks at half price.
Just for you.

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I'm happy to get to do a set in Cologne.

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It's nice.

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Let's be real. I like Cologne,
but the train station is a disaster.

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I was there today,

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and some guy greeted me from far away.

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He didn't greet me by name.

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He just greeted me with his eyebrows.
You know what I mean? Like this…

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That was it. I'm polite,
so I greeted him back. I was like…

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So we had a conversation
with our eyebrows. He said…

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And I said…

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It was a real conversation.

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The thing is,
I can tell by someone's expression

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if they know me from TV

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or if they know me personally.

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His expression said,

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"I know you personally."

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But I don't know who it was.
I didn't know.

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I thought, "Where do I know him from?"
I'd be embarrassed to ask.

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Imagine I ask how he knows me,

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and he sat next to me
for six years at school.

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So embarrassing.

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So I didn't ask.

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I thought about it,
then he took a step toward me.

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Our eyebrows still up here conversing.

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I too take a step toward him and think,

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"Fuck! How do I know him?
Maybe he's one of my cousins."

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I have a huge family.

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He gets closer and closer, and I think,

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"How do I know him?"

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Then, he reaches out his hand,
and I do the same.

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Our eyebrows still up here.

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We smile at each other, and I think,

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"How do I know him?"
He could be one of my siblings.

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I have so many siblings,
that I sometimes google their names.

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We're shaking hands,
and I think, "Who is this?"

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I eventually pull my hand back

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and take a look to find €20.

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I was like, "Huh?"
He was like, "I thought you were selling."

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The thing is, I then did sell him some,

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but I still don't know who he was.

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While we're on the topic,

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if any of you need weed,
I'll be out front after the show.

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I have masks and weed at half price.

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I have FFP2s with a filter.

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It has a box you can put the weed in,
then inhale.

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Just say no to viruses.

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Oh, nice.

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As for my descent,

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I'm half Moroccan, half Algerian,
which means I hate myself.

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Yeah.

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For the people
who know something about politics.

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To be honest, I don't want
to be a Turk anymore.

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That was the most confusing transition
you've ever seen.

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Everyone was like…

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He was just Moroccan/Algerian,
now a Turk?

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I know I'm not a Turk,
but I don't want to be one anymore.

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The thing is,
lots of people think I'm Turkish.

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Don't get me wrong.

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I don't take it the wrong way
if a German German thinks I'm Turkish.

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I don't see the difference
between Germans and the Dutch.

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The ones who annoy me
are the Turks who think I'm a Turk.

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Because ever since I was little,

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Turks come up to me and ask,

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"Sen Türk müsün?"

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Which means, "Are you Turkish?"

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Ever since the second grade,

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They ask me, in Germany,

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in Turkish

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if I'm Turkish.

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I never got it.

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I eventually asked
my Turkish friends what it meant.

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They'd say, "Yeah, Khalid.
They're asking if you're Turkish."

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"What should I say?"

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"Say, Yok, ben Marok."

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Which means,

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"No, I'm Moroccan."

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So each time a Turk
asked if I'm Turkish, I said,

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"Yok, ben Marok."

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One time, I went through Cologne
and everyone asked,

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-"Sen Türk müsün?"
-"Yok, ben Marok."

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I accidentally walked
through a Turkish protest.

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I had a Moroccan flag on.
They were confused, a bit confused.

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But I have to admit
I speak a little Turkish

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because I grew up with so many Turks.

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As we all did in Germany.

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Which means

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when I enter a store where Turks work,

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I talk to them in Turkish.

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I greet them in Turkish.
I pull out my best Turkish.

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I enter and say to the owner,

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"Sa­lamu alai­kum."

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You have to do this.

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It's part of the Turkish language.
It's the Turkish flow.

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I enter and say, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

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Some of you are thinking,

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"That's the Arabic peace greeting.
Peace be with you."

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Right, but what
you just saw was the Turkish version.

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Because the Arab says, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
The Turk says, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

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With a few extra U's.

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The Arab is serious, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."
The Turk grins, "Sa­lamu alai­kum."

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I greet him, and he greets me back.

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"Alaikum salam."

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I ask him in Turkish…

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I ask him, "How are you doing?"

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I say,

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"Nasılsın?"

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He responds in Turkish,

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"İyiyim, sen nasılsın?"

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Turkish for, "Good. How about you?"

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So I answer,

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"İyiyim, Allah’a şükür."

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Turkish for, "Good. Thanks be to God."

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Then he asks,

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"Napıyon?"

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Turkish for, "What are you doing?"

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And that's it.

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That's all the Turkish I know.

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The only thing I remember is,
"Yok ben Marok."

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He thought I was messing with him.

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Another thing I know in Turkish is,

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"Where is your girlfriend?"

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Really funny, right?

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"Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?"

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"Where's your girlfriend?" Hilarious.

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I asked a Turk that on the street.

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I didn't know him.
He didn't think it was funny.

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He walked by me, and I said,
"Hey, Mehmet, Murat, Ali, Hakan?"

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-"Yeah?"
-"There, Hakan! I knew it."

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Hakan, brother.

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"Abi senin kız arkadaşın nerde?"

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He was confused. He was like…

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"Why are you asking about her?"

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"Do you know my girlfriend?"

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The thing is, I'm waiting for him to ask

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where my girlfriend is,
because I have an awesome answer.

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Incredibly funny.

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Anyone know Turkish in the first row?

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Maybe you?

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I'll ask you where your girlfriend is,

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then you ask me where mine is.

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My answer is the best.
You'll die laughing.

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If not, that's on you. You have no humor.

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My answer is great. Are you ready? Okay?

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What's your name?

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Akif?

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Akif? Okay. Wonderful name.

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-Do you have a girlfriend?
-No.

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Because of your name.

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No, we'll contin… Okay.

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Okay, are you ready?

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Okay. You don't have a girlfriend.
Got it. Akif.

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Akif, brother!

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Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?

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"Benim kız arkadaşım evde ekmek yapilir."

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This means,
"My girlfriend is at home making bread."

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Until a Turkish girl came to me and said,
"That's discriminatory."

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Now I only say, "She's making bread."
She gets to decide where.

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I'm not a Turk
who controls his girlfriend.

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I'm not even Turkish.

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Young man, I love your laugh.

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-What's your name?
-Maurice.

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-Maurice. Are you German?
-Yeah.

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-Is that your girlfriend?
-Yeah.

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She has a German passport?

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-Yes.
-Yes!

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I'm proud of you.

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That's all that counts.
I'm going to ask you where she is.

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Okay?

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And you answer in Turkish.

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This is how you say
"My girlfriend is here."

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"Benim kız arkadaş."

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Or simply,
“Kız arkadaşım burada."

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Okay?

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Are you ready?

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"Kız," K - I - Z. "Arkadaşım."

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"Kız," K - I - Z.

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Girl.

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"Arkadaşım."

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Friend, girlfriend.

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Now you get it, right?

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"Kız arkadaşım burada."

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Like Burda publishing but roll the R.

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Burda.

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Are you ready? Maurice, right?

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-Yes.
-Everyone be quiet.

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He needs lots of energy.
I believe in you.

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Maurice, brother!

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Senin kız arkadaşın nerde?

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Kız arkadaşım burada.

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Huge applause for Maurice.

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Very good.

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Very good!

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I'm proud of you.

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That was great.

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Did you see that?

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My parents came to Germany
in the '60s and '70s as guest workers.

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Today I'm on a stage
in Cologne teaching Turkish to a German.

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That's what I call integration.

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And I'm not even Turkish!

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I could have taught it to you in Moroccan.
In Moroccan, we say,

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Ferha Sahbtik.

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Four burnouts in two words.

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What I'm saying is

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our parents went
through a lot and started something.

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Our job is to carry it on.
I am Khalid Bounouar.

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RebellComedy for life.

253
00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:19.960
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for Salim Samatou!

254
00:13:25.960 --> 00:13:27.280
Thank you!

255
00:13:29.840 --> 00:13:31.240
Thank you so much!

256
00:13:31.320 --> 00:13:33.280
Thank you. Thank you so much.

257
00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:35.920
Thank you so much, guys.
Thank you. So much.

258
00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.360
I'm almost brought to tears to be here.

259
00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:42.840
Thank you. I can hardly believe it,
that I'm back in civilization.

260
00:13:42.920 --> 00:13:47.800
Until two weeks ago,
I was stranded in Bangladesh.

261
00:13:47.880 --> 00:13:49.880
I couldn't get out. It was a disaster.

262
00:13:49.960 --> 00:13:53.320
All of my Instagram followers
know this is a big, fat lie.

263
00:13:53.400 --> 00:13:54.680
But…

264
00:13:54.760 --> 00:13:57.760
No, really.
I was visiting family over there.

265
00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:00.400
I'm from Bangladesh,
according to Wikipedia.

266
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:03.000
I really wanted to go and…

267
00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:04.200
Who's been there?

268
00:14:04.280 --> 00:14:07.520
Don't go. Not ever.
Go to the Primark sales department.

269
00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:08.800
No difference.

270
00:14:09.400 --> 00:14:12.080
It's a one-for-one Bangladesh simulator.

271
00:14:12.160 --> 00:14:14.560
Only one airline flies to Bangladesh.

272
00:14:14.640 --> 00:14:16.640
The airline is really called,

273
00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:18.800
"Gardidi Air." That's it.

274
00:14:18.880 --> 00:14:22.080
The world's most ghetto airlines.

275
00:14:22.160 --> 00:14:25.000
Even bus drivers laugh at them.
What a disaster.

276
00:14:25.080 --> 00:14:26.640
"How ghetto?", you ask?

277
00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:30.080
The stewardesses ask me for food.
What the hell is that?

278
00:14:35.040 --> 00:14:38.880
"When do we get our meal?"
"When will you give us food?" Disaster.

279
00:14:38.960 --> 00:14:42.600
The official pilot announcement was this,

280
00:14:43.560 --> 00:14:46.880
"Hello!" Over. That was it. Disaster.

281
00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:48.600
I was like, "Bro, you are…

282
00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:50.080
Bro, you are…

283
00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:54.200
You're a pilot. You have to say more."

284
00:14:54.280 --> 00:14:56.440
He said,
"You want to buy T-shirt? Two for one."

285
00:14:56.520 --> 00:14:57.840
That was it.

286
00:14:57.920 --> 00:14:59.720
Then, he came out selling roses.

287
00:14:59.800 --> 00:15:02.920
"Here, brother. Take this, brother.
Take the roses, brother."

288
00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:06.760
With a picture of ghetto children,
"Here, brother, please. Take the roses."

289
00:15:06.840 --> 00:15:09.880
I said, "Okay, bro. I'll take three.
Let's do this."

290
00:15:09.960 --> 00:15:11.200
I'm scared of flying.

291
00:15:11.280 --> 00:15:15.000
I sat like this by the window,
keeping an eye on the turbines.

292
00:15:15.560 --> 00:15:17.120
There weren't any turbines.

293
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:20.080
Just three guys going like this.
That's all.

294
00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:24.640
We believe we can fly

295
00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:27.320
I believe I can touch the sky

296
00:15:27.400 --> 00:15:30.600
"Oh, no! I can touch the sky! I did it!"
Really, I had…

297
00:15:30.680 --> 00:15:34.520
But why did I even go to Bangladesh?

298
00:15:34.600 --> 00:15:35.760
Good question.

299
00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:39.280
I wanted to go backpacking.
Who's been backpacking?

300
00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:41.920
Not a soul. Crazy, respect!

301
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:45.000
That's exactly right,
because we are so culturally diverse,

302
00:15:45.080 --> 00:15:47.120
and backpacking is more of thing

303
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:51.240
that white, dirty hippies do.

304
00:15:51.320 --> 00:15:54.280
Exactly. You said it, not me. Disaster.

305
00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:58.240
With armpit hair all over,
no deodorant, just limes…

306
00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:00.560
"Because of my carbon footprint."

307
00:16:00.640 --> 00:16:01.840
They go backpacking.

308
00:16:01.920 --> 00:16:04.000
You know who loves it?

309
00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:06.240
One of my best friends. Really.

310
00:16:06.320 --> 00:16:09.080
My wonderful Swiss colleague, Alain Frei.

311
00:16:09.160 --> 00:16:10.920
Do you know him? You all do.

312
00:16:11.760 --> 00:16:13.320
Great. Wonderful.

313
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:15.080
Great.

314
00:16:15.160 --> 00:16:17.840
You really clapped hard. What's your name?

315
00:16:18.400 --> 00:16:19.400
What?

316
00:16:19.480 --> 00:16:22.520
Kellmann? The best man.
Kellmann. So awesome.

317
00:16:22.600 --> 00:16:24.360
The best man, Kellmann. Do this.

318
00:16:24.440 --> 00:16:25.480
You know about him.

319
00:16:25.560 --> 00:16:27.720
You clapped very euphorically. Awesome.

320
00:16:27.800 --> 00:16:30.160
Kellmann knows about him.
You know Alain, right?

321
00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:35.040
The only thing you have to know is
he is the whitest person in the world.

322
00:16:35.120 --> 00:16:37.200
Ask Kellmann. 100%.

323
00:16:37.280 --> 00:16:40.800
He only has two levels of tanning.
White and skin cancer.

324
00:16:40.880 --> 00:16:43.480
I swear. He uses
opaque white paint as tanning lotion.

325
00:16:43.560 --> 00:16:45.840
100%. I swear.

326
00:16:45.920 --> 00:16:49.760
Albinos protect him from the sun.
They say, "Take me!"

327
00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:51.880
Stop it, Kellmann. Don't be an asshole.

328
00:16:52.640 --> 00:16:54.680
Kellmann, dude. What are you doing?

329
00:16:55.560 --> 00:16:56.640
Bro.

330
00:16:58.000 --> 00:16:59.400
Stop making me do it.

331
00:16:59.480 --> 00:17:02.400
Total asshole behavior
to make fun of his skin color

332
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:04.520
just because he's white.

333
00:17:04.600 --> 00:17:06.720
#whitelivesmatter.

334
00:17:06.800 --> 00:17:08.080
Really, people. Disaster.

335
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:12.240
When it snows for the first time,
he immediately disappears.

336
00:17:12.320 --> 00:17:13.640
Kellmann's words. Really.

337
00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:17.400
You turn the lights out,
and he's still there. Really.

338
00:17:17.480 --> 00:17:21.160
He's a tutor for fireflies. Really.

339
00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.880
The fireflies are like,
"How do you do that? You're a farmer."

340
00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:27.240
Enough! Kellmann, stop making me do it.

341
00:17:27.320 --> 00:17:28.560
Such an asshole.

342
00:17:28.640 --> 00:17:29.920
Stop it. That's enough.

343
00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.680
We were just at the zoo.
Polar bears danced with him.

344
00:17:32.760 --> 00:17:36.600
They were like,
"You're one of us, brother!"

345
00:17:36.680 --> 00:17:38.600
Stop it, man! Bro!

346
00:17:39.360 --> 00:17:40.440
Stop it.

347
00:17:41.560 --> 00:17:43.320
Such an asshole, people.

348
00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:47.680
We can't keep this up, dude.
Such an asshole.

349
00:17:47.760 --> 00:17:49.920
He scares ghosts. Okay, that's it!

350
00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:51.720
What I'm trying to say is he's Swiss.

351
00:17:51.800 --> 00:17:56.880
So he came to me and said,
"Salim, you have to come backpacking."

352
00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:03.240
For those wondering what that was,
it was perfect Swiss German. I swear.

353
00:18:03.760 --> 00:18:07.320
Swiss German is just normal German,

354
00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:10.120
while you waterboard
Donald Duck at the same time.

355
00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:12.640
That's Swiss German. I swear.

356
00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:13.880
100%.

357
00:18:15.360 --> 00:18:16.520
100%.

358
00:18:17.040 --> 00:18:18.240
Disaster. Really.

359
00:18:18.800 --> 00:18:19.640
Really.

360
00:18:20.280 --> 00:18:21.760
Donald here, a towel, and then…

361
00:18:21.840 --> 00:18:25.400
I… am… not… here.

362
00:18:25.520 --> 00:18:26.800
Disaster.

363
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:30.960
If you don't believe me,
they call silverware "silverware."

364
00:18:31.040 --> 00:18:33.760
Disaster. I swear on my life.

365
00:18:33.840 --> 00:18:34.680
Really.

366
00:18:34.760 --> 00:18:37.400
You know how awful it is
touring with Alain?

367
00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:39.600
Sometimes he's next to me at the hotel.

368
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:41.360
I'm just watching TV.

369
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:44.520
And there's an unlisted channel.
It just flickers gray.

370
00:18:44.600 --> 00:18:47.040
Like this… and he comes in,
"Mom? Dad?"

371
00:18:47.120 --> 00:18:48.600
I say, "No, bro. It's…

372
00:18:49.480 --> 00:18:50.960
It's the TV.

373
00:18:52.120 --> 00:18:53.880
It's the TV. It's…

374
00:18:58.600 --> 00:19:01.360
-Bro, it's the TV."
-"Mom!" Oh, goddammit.

375
00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:04.840
He got the worst dog
a Swiss person could have.

376
00:19:04.920 --> 00:19:06.920
He got a pug.

377
00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:10.000
When I visit him,
I never know who's talking. Both…

378
00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:12.880
Both sound the same. They're like…

379
00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:16.240
I'm like,
"Bro, just let Donald go. What are doing?"

380
00:19:16.320 --> 00:19:17.320
It was a disaster.

381
00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:19.680
You don't think pugs talk like the Swiss?

382
00:19:19.760 --> 00:19:23.280
I called Swiss Telekom
and held the pug to the phone.

383
00:19:24.840 --> 00:19:27.840
They talked for 38 minutes. I swear.

384
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:29.080
100%.

385
00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:34.080
Really. Disaster.

386
00:19:34.600 --> 00:19:35.440
Really.

387
00:19:35.520 --> 00:19:37.840
Never travel to Switzerland.

388
00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:40.080
Those of you who want to travel there,

389
00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:42.640
my advice is go to Austria.
It's way better.

390
00:19:42.720 --> 00:19:45.960
Go to Austria, just don't go to Vienna.

391
00:19:46.040 --> 00:19:48.040
For "It'll knock your socks off."

392
00:19:48.120 --> 00:19:51.120
They say,
"Das haut's den Beidl auf'd Seitn."

393
00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:53.320
Which means, you can google it,

394
00:19:53.400 --> 00:19:55.920
"It'll knock your wiener to the side."

395
00:19:56.600 --> 00:19:59.520
I swear on my life. Even women said it.

396
00:19:59.600 --> 00:20:01.960
"It knocks my wiener to the side."

397
00:20:03.360 --> 00:20:04.720
I swear, people.

398
00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:06.920
I swear.

399
00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:09.120
"It knocks your wiener to the side."

400
00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:11.960
African Austrians say something else.
They say,

401
00:20:12.040 --> 00:20:14.160
"It knocks your wiener around your hips."

402
00:20:14.240 --> 00:20:17.000
I swear. Disaster. 100%.

403
00:20:22.560 --> 00:20:26.640
The Asians say,
"It knocks my wiener back to the middle."

404
00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:30.400
The middle is fine.
Respect it. Really. Disaster.

405
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:32.760
You know how tiring it is eating out.

406
00:20:32.840 --> 00:20:35.200
Every time the waiter says,
"You didn't like it?"

407
00:20:35.280 --> 00:20:36.200
"No, it was good."

408
00:20:36.280 --> 00:20:38.840
"Your wiener is at 7:30. I see it there.

409
00:20:38.920 --> 00:20:41.400
It has to be 6:45 or 7:15, otherwise…"

410
00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:43.240
Money-back guarantee. Awesome.

411
00:20:43.320 --> 00:20:44.880
I've noticed

412
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:48.200
how bad it is to live through
what we're living through.

413
00:20:48.280 --> 00:20:50.400
Because what's happening now,

414
00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:53.920
you're all sitting here like clones,
all this stuff…

415
00:20:54.720 --> 00:20:55.640
No, really.

416
00:20:55.720 --> 00:20:59.240
This really is history right here.

417
00:20:59.320 --> 00:21:01.680
What's happening now
is history in the making.

418
00:21:01.760 --> 00:21:06.080
In 2100,
they will cover this in the history books.

419
00:21:06.160 --> 00:21:07.400
Then we will,

420
00:21:07.480 --> 00:21:10.720
one of us will show up
as a contemporary witness.

421
00:21:10.800 --> 00:21:13.920
A 100-year-old Jeremy Pascal who shows up,

422
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:15.920
"Hi, I'm a contemporary witness."

423
00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:17.280
Because…

424
00:21:17.840 --> 00:21:22.040
With a tramp stamp on his belly like,
"I'm a contemporary witness."

425
00:21:22.120 --> 00:21:27.520
The witnesses in 2100
don't have it as good as the ones today.

426
00:21:27.600 --> 00:21:31.000
When we were in school,
there was always a guy from WWII.

427
00:21:31.080 --> 00:21:33.480
Every German was against Hitler.
Of course.

428
00:21:33.560 --> 00:21:35.960
All of them. There's nothing to prove it.

429
00:21:36.040 --> 00:21:39.120
No one took
Instagram selfies chilling with Hitler.

430
00:21:39.680 --> 00:21:41.600
#chillingwiththehitman.

431
00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:43.200
It doesn't exist. Really.

432
00:21:43.280 --> 00:21:45.960
#hisheartwasintherightplace.

433
00:21:46.040 --> 00:21:49.000
That stuff doesn't exist.
You know what I mean?

434
00:21:52.320 --> 00:21:53.400
It doesn't exist.

435
00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:57.840
They can just freestyle.
They all tell the same story.

436
00:21:57.920 --> 00:22:00.600
"Hitler, total asshole.
I said it to his face.

437
00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:04.600
I took his little mustache
and shoved it up his ass. Fuck off!

438
00:22:04.680 --> 00:22:07.720
Come here, you piece of shit!
What's your problem?

439
00:22:07.800 --> 00:22:09.240
What's up, Göhring? Fat fuck!

440
00:22:09.320 --> 00:22:10.840
I hid his Big Mac.

441
00:22:11.360 --> 00:22:14.240
Gave him a pork cutlet.
I hid Himmler's glasses."

442
00:22:14.920 --> 00:22:17.960
"I'm the master race."
That was their story.

443
00:22:18.040 --> 00:22:21.200
The worst will be when today's influencers

444
00:22:21.280 --> 00:22:24.280
are influencers in 2100.

445
00:22:24.360 --> 00:22:27.760
But old influencers
who run around at 100 saying,

446
00:22:27.840 --> 00:22:32.200
"Hey, guys. You need a catheter too?
Then swipe up and reserve one.

447
00:22:32.280 --> 00:22:33.440
Catheter."

448
00:22:34.040 --> 00:22:34.880
"Swipe up."

449
00:22:37.520 --> 00:22:38.480
"Please, guys.

450
00:22:39.520 --> 00:22:41.560
You can't get it up either? Swipe up!

451
00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:45.920
Use the code "floppydick" to get 20% off.

452
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:47.280
Get it now!"

453
00:22:48.920 --> 00:22:51.440
So, guys, today's lesson is

454
00:22:51.520 --> 00:22:53.200
don't go to Austria,

455
00:22:53.280 --> 00:22:55.840
not to Zürich, just go to Japan.

456
00:22:55.920 --> 00:22:58.280
Japan is the best country. Who's been?

457
00:22:58.360 --> 00:23:00.600
Two people, respect.

458
00:23:00.680 --> 00:23:01.960
Where in Japan?

459
00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:06.840
Tokyo. That's also
what I would've said if I had never been.

460
00:23:06.920 --> 00:23:09.840
He just freestyled it. The best. Awesome.

461
00:23:10.840 --> 00:23:12.400
He can confirm. Really.

462
00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:14.720
They've figured it out. Really.

463
00:23:14.800 --> 00:23:16.400
Whereas we, during corona…

464
00:23:16.480 --> 00:23:19.840
Have you seen
the people hoarding toilet paper?

465
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:23.640
"What? A deadly virus?
I have to take care of my asshole.

466
00:23:23.720 --> 00:23:27.440
What about my asshole?
How will I clean my asshole?"

467
00:23:27.520 --> 00:23:28.800
The Muslims were like,

468
00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:32.200
"Bro, just take the watering can,
and shut your damn mouth."

469
00:23:42.280 --> 00:23:43.360
There you go.

470
00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:45.760
Not Japan. They've reached the end level.

471
00:23:45.840 --> 00:23:47.880
No toilet paper, no watering cans.

472
00:23:47.960 --> 00:23:52.080
They just have toilets
that shoot out an automatized rain dance.

473
00:23:52.160 --> 00:23:56.080
You're sitting there. You hit a button,
then get a Japanese rain dance.

474
00:23:58.640 --> 00:24:02.200
I swear. You get a water-gun in your ass.
That's it.

475
00:24:03.080 --> 00:24:05.160
I swear.

476
00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:06.200
No, really.

477
00:24:07.760 --> 00:24:09.280
You look in the toilet

478
00:24:09.360 --> 00:24:12.360
and see Squirtle
and Wartortle in there practicing.

479
00:24:13.080 --> 00:24:15.960
Three more asses,
and we're ready for the Tour.

480
00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:18.680
I told a Japanese guy,

481
00:24:18.760 --> 00:24:21.000
"Bro, that's all well and good with…

482
00:24:21.080 --> 00:24:24.280
It really knocks my wiener around my hips.
It's awesome.

483
00:24:24.920 --> 00:24:26.320
But where's the toilet paper?"

484
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:27.480
He flipped out,

485
00:24:27.560 --> 00:24:30.280
"You fucking Westerners,

486
00:24:30.360 --> 00:24:34.520
you kill millions of trees
past your ass down the toilet!

487
00:24:35.040 --> 00:24:36.880
You're a disgrace to humanity."

488
00:24:36.960 --> 00:24:39.280
I was like, "Calm down, dolphin killer.

489
00:24:39.360 --> 00:24:41.680
Why are you even talking, dude?

490
00:24:41.760 --> 00:24:45.240
Bro, you just ate a whale sandwich.
Calm down, dude.

491
00:24:45.320 --> 00:24:48.400
Why don't you shush yourself, dude?"

492
00:24:49.560 --> 00:24:51.880
The Japanese can't
compare themselves to us.

493
00:24:51.960 --> 00:24:54.160
What do they eat all day?

494
00:24:54.240 --> 00:24:57.200
Fish, rice, miso soup
is all you get there.

495
00:24:57.280 --> 00:25:01.240
If that's all you eat all day,
you'll shit like a sheep.

496
00:25:02.040 --> 00:25:04.360
Their bowel movements take three seconds.

497
00:25:05.760 --> 00:25:06.600
That's it.

498
00:25:07.320 --> 00:25:08.960
One squat and it's all out.

499
00:25:12.480 --> 00:25:14.520
That's how they came up with Sumo.

500
00:25:14.600 --> 00:25:15.440
Like this.

501
00:25:16.560 --> 00:25:17.400
That's it.

502
00:25:17.960 --> 00:25:20.680
These Japanese people
don't know what it's like

503
00:25:20.760 --> 00:25:23.920
to stuff your face
with a kebab at 3:00 a.m.

504
00:25:25.360 --> 00:25:29.160
Chili cheese nuggets
with radioactive spicy sauce.

505
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:32.160
If you eat such radioactive shit

506
00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:35.000
and you drop a Hiroshima the next day,

507
00:25:35.880 --> 00:25:37.600
It might take a while to go…

508
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:45.560
You will need at least a whole tree.
A whole tree.

509
00:25:45.640 --> 00:25:46.720
If not, it's a KO.

510
00:25:46.800 --> 00:25:48.880
Thank you. It was a pleasure.

511
00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:56.000
Ladies and gentlemen,

512
00:25:56.080 --> 00:25:58.600
big applause for the Swiss comedian,

513
00:25:58.680 --> 00:26:00.080
Alain Frei!

514
00:26:01.840 --> 00:26:02.880
Thank you!

515
00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:04.520
Thanks a lot!

516
00:26:05.040 --> 00:26:06.360
Thank you!

517
00:26:06.440 --> 00:26:09.120
So nice! Thank you!

518
00:26:09.200 --> 00:26:10.080
Thank you!

519
00:26:11.200 --> 00:26:12.040
Thank you!

520
00:26:12.840 --> 00:26:15.360
Before we get started,
I'd like to say one thing.

521
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:17.880
Something very important to me.

522
00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:20.480
I'm not that white.

523
00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:24.440
Just to clear that up at the start.

524
00:26:24.520 --> 00:26:28.800
We're so happy
that this is able to take place.

525
00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:31.560
Yeah, applause for you guys. Really.

526
00:26:33.080 --> 00:26:36.600
I dressed extra chic for you.
Cool, right? Thanks.

527
00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:38.880
You know…

528
00:26:40.600 --> 00:26:43.720
My suit gets more applause
than my jokes. That's sad.

529
00:26:43.800 --> 00:26:45.720
-"How was the show?"
-"Alain was chic.

530
00:26:46.680 --> 00:26:49.040
His mom will be happy."

531
00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:53.520
Guys, let me be totally honest with you.

532
00:26:53.600 --> 00:26:56.160
As a comedian, every show is different.

533
00:26:56.840 --> 00:26:58.640
You never know what awaits you.

534
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:02.320
My most unusual show
was in the south, in Nuremberg.

535
00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:06.040
The audience was having such a great time,
too great.

536
00:27:06.120 --> 00:27:08.160
They hooted and hollered.

537
00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:11.240
There was a lady
in the first row laughing out of control.

538
00:27:11.320 --> 00:27:13.120
She lost her shit.

539
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:15.440
She was like this the whole time…

540
00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:19.080
You know
when someone laughs so hard,

541
00:27:19.160 --> 00:27:20.920
that you have to laugh too?

542
00:27:21.560 --> 00:27:23.800
I was also like…

543
00:27:23.880 --> 00:27:25.680
Then she was like…

544
00:27:25.760 --> 00:27:26.880
Then I was like…

545
00:27:26.960 --> 00:27:29.240
Then all of a sudden, boom!
She falls over.

546
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:32.080
And I was like…

547
00:27:32.800 --> 00:27:35.360
We had to interrupt the show.

548
00:27:35.880 --> 00:27:38.000
They brought in a doctor.

549
00:27:38.520 --> 00:27:40.160
They picked her back up.

550
00:27:40.800 --> 00:27:44.480
She was feeling better,
and I asked the doctor,

551
00:27:44.560 --> 00:27:47.480
"What the hell just happened?"

552
00:27:48.080 --> 00:27:49.000
He said,

553
00:27:49.080 --> 00:27:53.480
"Mr. Frei, this woman had a laughing fit."

554
00:27:54.000 --> 00:27:56.200
Hey, that's a real thing.

555
00:27:56.280 --> 00:27:58.040
She laughed so much

556
00:27:58.120 --> 00:28:02.440
that her circulatory system collapsed.

557
00:28:02.920 --> 00:28:08.120
And you know the first emotion
I felt, just for a millisecond?

558
00:28:08.200 --> 00:28:09.280
Pride.

559
00:28:10.800 --> 00:28:13.560
It didn't last long! It was quick!

560
00:28:13.640 --> 00:28:14.880
Not long!

561
00:28:16.720 --> 00:28:19.000
My mother called, "How was the show?"

562
00:28:19.080 --> 00:28:23.280
"I almost killed someone. I'm so funny."

563
00:28:25.320 --> 00:28:28.560
You know what this laugh reminded me of?

564
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:30.680
There's this stereotype,

565
00:28:31.240 --> 00:28:33.640
where you go like this…

566
00:28:34.600 --> 00:28:36.440
I have a buddy,

567
00:28:36.520 --> 00:28:38.320
and he really does this!

568
00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:40.440
He's always like…

569
00:28:40.520 --> 00:28:42.600
And I know why people do that.

570
00:28:42.680 --> 00:28:45.560
They know exactly how cute it looks,

571
00:28:45.640 --> 00:28:48.680
and they know you can't get mad at them.

572
00:28:48.760 --> 00:28:51.680
No way.
I loaned Rashid my car and he said,

573
00:28:51.760 --> 00:28:54.640
"Alain, I got in a wreck with your car."

574
00:28:54.720 --> 00:28:57.160
I was like, "Rashid! Why did you do that?"

575
00:28:59.520 --> 00:29:02.440
"Come here, little guy. You're so cute!"

576
00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:07.200
I'm Swiss. We are stereotyped too.
I'm so tired of them.

577
00:29:07.280 --> 00:29:09.440
After a show, a guy told me,

578
00:29:09.520 --> 00:29:14.040
"Hey, you Swiss people,
you're all rich, right?"

579
00:29:14.120 --> 00:29:15.080
And I was like,

580
00:29:16.080 --> 00:29:16.920
"Yeah."

581
00:29:17.800 --> 00:29:19.400
Then I bought him.

582
00:29:20.160 --> 00:29:22.080
Really, he's mine now.

583
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:23.640
A little German.

584
00:29:24.760 --> 00:29:26.000
He lives in my closet.

585
00:29:26.800 --> 00:29:30.200
I don't ever let him out.
That's the truth. He's mine!

586
00:29:30.680 --> 00:29:31.680
I bought him.

587
00:29:34.360 --> 00:29:37.080
Notice that only the foreigners clapped.

588
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:39.120
They were like, "You really did that?"

589
00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:41.840
I…

590
00:29:41.920 --> 00:29:44.880
I very rarely get political on stage.
Rarely.

591
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:48.480
I made a few jokes
about a slightly right-wing German party.

592
00:29:48.560 --> 00:29:49.680
The AfD.

593
00:29:49.760 --> 00:29:51.960
And not because we simply disagree.

594
00:29:52.040 --> 00:29:54.640
Hey, it's democracy.
You have to deal with it.

595
00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:58.960
You know why I can't stand them?
Because I'm too old for bullshit.

596
00:29:59.040 --> 00:30:01.120
I no longer tolerate bullshit.

597
00:30:01.200 --> 00:30:03.760
Things that don't make sense to me.

598
00:30:03.840 --> 00:30:07.640
The AfD and PEGIDA
had a large protest together

599
00:30:07.720 --> 00:30:10.480
against the Islamization of the West.

600
00:30:10.560 --> 00:30:12.760
They were running around with signs.

601
00:30:12.840 --> 00:30:16.080
There was a guy in front
with a huge sign saying,

602
00:30:16.160 --> 00:30:18.920
these are his words, not mine,
it said,

603
00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:25.680
"We don't want foreign rapists!"

604
00:30:28.920 --> 00:30:30.480
No one wants that!

605
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:33.480
I don't want that either!

606
00:30:33.960 --> 00:30:37.520
I've never been to a party and said,
"Hey, is the rapist here yet?"

607
00:30:38.360 --> 00:30:43.680
Then the doorbell rings,
"Hello! It's me, the rapist!"

608
00:30:43.760 --> 00:30:46.560
"Wait a second. What kind of rapist?"

609
00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:49.840
-"A German one."
-"Come on in."

610
00:30:50.560 --> 00:30:52.800
I'm too old for bullshit.

611
00:30:52.880 --> 00:30:57.800
I saw there were counterprotests
to the Black Lives Matter protests.

612
00:30:57.880 --> 00:30:59.120
People who said,

613
00:30:59.200 --> 00:31:03.680
"I don't think it's okay
for them to want the same rights as us."

614
00:31:03.760 --> 00:31:07.560
They interviewed a woman in the US,
and she said

615
00:31:07.640 --> 00:31:09.920
she didn't have
anything against Black people,

616
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:13.880
she just didn't think that Black
and white people belonged together.

617
00:31:14.640 --> 00:31:19.040
Listen, an adult woman
in the 21st century said,

618
00:31:19.120 --> 00:31:22.600
that she doesn't believe that
Black and white go together.

619
00:31:22.680 --> 00:31:24.200
Let me tell you one thing.

620
00:31:24.280 --> 00:31:27.000
There's only one place in world

621
00:31:27.080 --> 00:31:29.400
where Black and white don't go together,

622
00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:31.040
and that's the washing machine.

623
00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:34.080
It's the only place.

624
00:31:35.120 --> 00:31:36.040
The only one.

625
00:31:36.760 --> 00:31:38.200
Everywhere else is fine.

626
00:31:38.800 --> 00:31:39.640
The only one.

627
00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:42.800
The one and only.

628
00:31:46.040 --> 00:31:47.880
I have an older brother.

629
00:31:47.960 --> 00:31:51.120
And here's a fact
for everyone with siblings.

630
00:31:51.200 --> 00:31:53.320
It's been proved scientifically.

631
00:31:53.400 --> 00:31:55.400
Between all siblings, there's always

632
00:31:56.520 --> 00:31:57.560
a good-looking one

633
00:31:58.760 --> 00:31:59.960
and a funny one.

634
00:32:00.440 --> 00:32:01.600
That's a fact.

635
00:32:01.680 --> 00:32:05.360
And all of you thinking,
"No! That's not the case for us."

636
00:32:05.440 --> 00:32:07.000
You're the funny ones.

637
00:32:08.400 --> 00:32:10.440
Only the good-looking ones laughed.

638
00:32:10.520 --> 00:32:12.120
"Come on, laugh, Quasimodo.

639
00:32:12.760 --> 00:32:14.400
He's talking about you. Laugh!"

640
00:32:15.280 --> 00:32:18.360
If you're wondering about my situation,

641
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:20.240
you can guess.

642
00:32:20.760 --> 00:32:22.000
I'm the funny one.

643
00:32:22.080 --> 00:32:24.560
My brother looks good.
He has the face of a model.

644
00:32:24.640 --> 00:32:26.520
I hate him.

645
00:32:27.160 --> 00:32:28.400
He's always been the adult.

646
00:32:28.480 --> 00:32:32.320
He was born an adult.
He came out in a suit with a monocle.

647
00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:35.160
"Where's my bank account?"
He was always grown-up.

648
00:32:35.240 --> 00:32:38.120
As a child, you could send
him to do anything, like shopping.

649
00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:39.160
As a four-year old.

650
00:32:39.240 --> 00:32:42.600
My mother was like,
"Michael, could you go to the store?"

651
00:32:42.680 --> 00:32:45.480
"As you wish, mother."
That's how this dumbass talked.

652
00:32:45.560 --> 00:32:48.480
You couldn't send me at all.
"Buy milk." I get back…

653
00:32:48.560 --> 00:32:50.240
-"The milk?"
-"I drank it."

654
00:32:51.200 --> 00:32:53.080
-"And the change?"
-"I ate it."

655
00:32:53.160 --> 00:32:55.240
I was such a dumb kid.

656
00:32:55.320 --> 00:32:57.440
Everyone made fun of me. Everyone.

657
00:32:57.520 --> 00:32:59.880
I had a neighbor with Down Syndrome.

658
00:32:59.960 --> 00:33:02.160
Even he was like, "Wow, you're dumb!"

659
00:33:11.280 --> 00:33:13.240
You know why I think this joke's okay?

660
00:33:13.320 --> 00:33:17.280
I've worked with people
who have Down Syndrome,

661
00:33:17.360 --> 00:33:21.120
and they're such awesome people
with such big hearts.

662
00:33:21.200 --> 00:33:22.480
They love to laugh.

663
00:33:22.560 --> 00:33:25.440
My neighbor laughs at this joke the most.

664
00:33:25.520 --> 00:33:27.280
That's great if you can take a joke.

665
00:33:27.360 --> 00:33:29.800
I told this joke on stage once,

666
00:33:29.880 --> 00:33:31.800
and a guy in the audience was like…

667
00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:35.720
I said, "Look how cool this is!"

668
00:33:35.800 --> 00:33:36.880
I tell this joke,

669
00:33:36.960 --> 00:33:40.680
and the guy laughing the most
has Down Syndrome.

670
00:33:40.760 --> 00:33:42.720
He looks at me and says, "No, I don't."

671
00:33:46.360 --> 00:33:47.600
It was tough.

672
00:33:49.440 --> 00:33:50.480
People.

673
00:33:50.560 --> 00:33:51.400
My brother…

674
00:33:51.480 --> 00:33:53.840
I was dumb, but he was too.

675
00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:55.880
He was only smart compared to me.

676
00:33:55.960 --> 00:33:57.280
We were brothers…

677
00:33:57.360 --> 00:33:59.480
We would always try
to one-up each other.

678
00:33:59.560 --> 00:34:02.600
With dumb stuff.
Stuff that makes no sense, like,

679
00:34:02.680 --> 00:34:05.320
"I can ride my bike longer than you."

680
00:34:05.400 --> 00:34:07.720
"No, I can ride longer than you."

681
00:34:07.800 --> 00:34:10.680
Then we rode around
in circles for eight hours.

682
00:34:11.520 --> 00:34:13.320
Like two complete idiots.

683
00:34:14.240 --> 00:34:17.440
When people visited my mother,
"Hey, how are the kids?"

684
00:34:17.520 --> 00:34:18.560
"They're dumb."

685
00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:21.560
"Take a look out the window.

686
00:34:22.080 --> 00:34:24.480
They've been at it for eight hours.

687
00:34:25.040 --> 00:34:27.400
The ugly one on the left, he's dumber."

688
00:34:30.280 --> 00:34:31.200
Yeah.

689
00:34:35.200 --> 00:34:36.600
I was a dumb kid.

690
00:34:38.840 --> 00:34:40.600
I always liked…

691
00:34:40.680 --> 00:34:43.680
I liked animals
and watching animal documentaries.

692
00:34:44.200 --> 00:34:47.720
You learn things you'll never use again.

693
00:34:48.240 --> 00:34:51.000
I saw something
I think is perfect for right now.

694
00:34:51.080 --> 00:34:53.400
And this is actually true.

695
00:34:53.480 --> 00:34:56.080
There's a type of starfish,

696
00:34:56.600 --> 00:35:00.240
and 20% of these starfish

697
00:35:00.320 --> 00:35:02.000
are born without an anus.

698
00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:04.880
They don't have an asshole,

699
00:35:04.960 --> 00:35:07.320
but they can survive.

700
00:35:07.400 --> 00:35:08.640
They poop on the inside.

701
00:35:08.720 --> 00:35:11.600
They do it their entire lives.
It just builds up.

702
00:35:11.680 --> 00:35:13.040
Not a problem for them.

703
00:35:13.120 --> 00:35:15.280
They shit more and more. It builds up.

704
00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:18.000
It keeps going up
until it's at the very top,

705
00:35:18.080 --> 00:35:20.720
and all they have in their head is shit.

706
00:35:21.240 --> 00:35:25.560
I swear I know people
who this also happens to.

707
00:35:26.200 --> 00:35:27.640
The exact same thing.

708
00:35:27.720 --> 00:35:30.480
Really! Their head is full of shit.

709
00:35:33.040 --> 00:35:37.600
I'll end with this.
I noticed something very strange.

710
00:35:38.200 --> 00:35:41.280
I noticed there are sentences in Germany.

711
00:35:41.360 --> 00:35:45.240
You say them in movies,
but not in everyday life.

712
00:35:45.320 --> 00:35:48.360
I was watching a police movie
and the guy said,

713
00:35:48.440 --> 00:35:51.120
"Sir, with all due respect…"

714
00:35:51.640 --> 00:35:54.440
You don't say that in everyday life.
I tried it out.

715
00:35:54.520 --> 00:35:56.400
I was paying at Mickey D's.

716
00:35:57.120 --> 00:36:01.920
She said, "Ketchup or mayonnaise?"
I said, "With all due respect, both."

717
00:36:03.000 --> 00:36:04.800
This sentence is like a trick.

718
00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:06.200
It's so polite,

719
00:36:06.280 --> 00:36:08.200
you can do what you want afterwards.

720
00:36:08.280 --> 00:36:09.640
Like the guy in the film,

721
00:36:09.720 --> 00:36:12.760
"Sir, with all due respect,
you have no idea."

722
00:36:12.840 --> 00:36:15.120
Even the other one said,
"You might be right."

723
00:36:16.040 --> 00:36:16.920
Try it out.

724
00:36:17.000 --> 00:36:20.320
Next week,
show up to work five hours late,

725
00:36:21.520 --> 00:36:23.760
Come in calm, as though it's nothing.

726
00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:25.040
"Hey, what's up?"

727
00:36:25.120 --> 00:36:26.360
When the boss asks you,

728
00:36:26.440 --> 00:36:29.040
"What the hell is this?
Why are you so late?"

729
00:36:31.640 --> 00:36:32.520
"Sir.

730
00:36:34.360 --> 00:36:35.920
With all due respect…

731
00:36:36.480 --> 00:36:37.840
here you go!"

732
00:36:38.560 --> 00:36:43.560
And if gets mad, "How dare you!"
Just do this…

733
00:36:43.640 --> 00:36:45.760
Thank you everyone for coming out!

734
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:48.080
Enjoy the show! Thank you so much!

735
00:36:50.320 --> 00:36:51.320
Thank you!

736
00:36:52.280 --> 00:36:58.240
Ladies and gentlemen,
Let's welcome Hany Siam!

737
00:37:08.640 --> 00:37:10.880
Holy shit!

738
00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:12.600
Stop it!

739
00:37:15.880 --> 00:37:17.200
Dude!

740
00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:20.920
What amazing energy! Awesome! Killer!

741
00:37:21.000 --> 00:37:23.320
I'm unbelievably happy to be here.

742
00:37:23.920 --> 00:37:25.160
Ladies and gentlemen,

743
00:37:25.760 --> 00:37:30.520
I'm no fan
of over-the-top political correctness.

744
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:34.600
I think a lot of people
have become too sensitive.

745
00:37:35.320 --> 00:37:37.640
But instead of making a fuss,

746
00:37:37.720 --> 00:37:40.080
I started using it to my advantage.

747
00:37:41.280 --> 00:37:45.040
At some point,
I started playing the race card.

748
00:37:45.600 --> 00:37:47.160
But completely out of context.

749
00:37:47.720 --> 00:37:49.000
I was at the movies.

750
00:37:49.080 --> 00:37:51.840
There was a huge line to get popcorn.

751
00:37:51.920 --> 00:37:55.520
I just cut in line,
and woman behind me was like,

752
00:37:58.440 --> 00:37:59.840
"Go to the back."

753
00:38:03.120 --> 00:38:05.080
"Did you just call me nigga?"

754
00:38:16.120 --> 00:38:19.520
She said, "No, never! I like Obama!"

755
00:38:20.720 --> 00:38:22.880
She eventually gave up, and I was like,

756
00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:25.480
"Cool! I'll try it again."

757
00:38:26.200 --> 00:38:28.840
After the movie, I went to food stand.

758
00:38:28.920 --> 00:38:32.040
Another long line,
and I cut it once again.

759
00:38:32.120 --> 00:38:35.480
Some guy back there was like,
"Dude, go to the back."

760
00:38:35.560 --> 00:38:37.680
I thought, "This is my chance."

761
00:38:38.680 --> 00:38:40.040
"You just call me nig--?"

762
00:38:40.120 --> 00:38:41.080
I was like, "Fuck!

763
00:38:41.640 --> 00:38:43.400
He's darker than me!"

764
00:38:45.240 --> 00:38:48.600
He turned the tables on me,
"Did you just call me nigga?"

765
00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:52.240
I said, "No, never! I like Obama!"

766
00:38:53.960 --> 00:38:56.800
I ran away! I ran away!

767
00:39:02.440 --> 00:39:06.200
After that,
I never played the race card again.

768
00:39:06.280 --> 00:39:07.840
With one exception.

769
00:39:08.360 --> 00:39:10.360
Let's talk about my background first.

770
00:39:10.440 --> 00:39:14.000
I actually don't talk
or think about it much,

771
00:39:14.080 --> 00:39:16.000
because I don't define myself by it.

772
00:39:16.080 --> 00:39:19.240
But I understand
why many think about their background

773
00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:20.960
and why it's important to them.

774
00:39:21.040 --> 00:39:23.760
I recently went for a walk in town,

775
00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:26.560
and real Black African walked by.

776
00:39:27.160 --> 00:39:28.120
He was walking…

777
00:39:29.520 --> 00:39:30.360
he looked at me…

778
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:34.880
nodded, and went on.

779
00:39:35.520 --> 00:39:39.440
I thought, "Who the hell was that?
He must have gotten me confused."

780
00:39:39.960 --> 00:39:43.560
A few minutes later,
another Black African walked by.

781
00:39:43.640 --> 00:39:44.480
He was walking…

782
00:39:45.840 --> 00:39:46.840
he looked at me…

783
00:39:48.720 --> 00:39:49.760
and went on.

784
00:39:49.840 --> 00:39:54.880
Then, it clicked.
It's something like, "Yo, brother!

785
00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:58.360
We endured the same hardships.

786
00:39:59.440 --> 00:40:00.840
Slavery and whatnot."

787
00:40:01.360 --> 00:40:03.400
Then I had such a bad conscience,

788
00:40:03.480 --> 00:40:05.800
because my parents are from Egypt.

789
00:40:07.160 --> 00:40:09.120
Ever heard about the pyramids?

790
00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:12.600
Dude, we invented slavery!

791
00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:15.160
Hey, that's…

792
00:40:21.600 --> 00:40:25.280
Dude, that's like going up
to Jack the Ripper and saying,

793
00:40:25.360 --> 00:40:27.880
"Let's stick together.
There's a killer on the loose."

794
00:40:29.640 --> 00:40:34.200
But a few years ago,
proof actually came out

795
00:40:34.280 --> 00:40:36.440
that the pyramid builders weren't slaves,

796
00:40:36.520 --> 00:40:39.360
they were workers receiving fair wages.

797
00:40:41.600 --> 00:40:45.680
As soon as I heard about this,
I thought, "Fake."

798
00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:51.840
I know how Egyptians work.
Some Mahmud made up some proof,

799
00:40:53.520 --> 00:40:55.240
to improve Egypt's reputation.

800
00:40:56.440 --> 00:40:59.400
"I swear to God,
I just found this papyrus.

801
00:41:01.560 --> 00:41:04.360
The hieroglyphs say we paid everyone."

802
00:41:04.920 --> 00:41:06.360
"Hold on!

803
00:41:07.480 --> 00:41:09.320
This was written with a marker!"

804
00:41:10.440 --> 00:41:12.200
"Why are Germans such squares?

805
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:23.320
We Egyptians invented markers!"

806
00:41:24.080 --> 00:41:29.280
And Black people still nod to me,
and greet me and all this stuff.

807
00:41:30.640 --> 00:41:32.640
"We endured the same hardships."

808
00:41:32.720 --> 00:41:35.800
I'm like, "No, dude! You endured a lot.

809
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:39.640
You're on team 'Let my people go!'

810
00:41:40.160 --> 00:41:41.160
I'm on team…

811
00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:43.880
'You're going nowhere!

812
00:41:46.880 --> 00:41:48.480
You're going nowhere.'

813
00:41:51.400 --> 00:41:52.360
No, no!"

814
00:41:54.920 --> 00:41:57.080
To avoid this uncomfortable situation

815
00:41:57.160 --> 00:42:00.160
of Black people giving me a nod
and me feeling bad,

816
00:42:00.240 --> 00:42:03.320
I now walk like this every time
a Black person looks at me.

817
00:42:07.360 --> 00:42:09.040
It works! It works!

818
00:42:09.680 --> 00:42:11.880
I know a lot of you are thinking,

819
00:42:11.960 --> 00:42:14.640
"The guy that's up, he's a bit strange."

820
00:42:15.400 --> 00:42:16.440
And you're right.

821
00:42:17.000 --> 00:42:17.840
Absolutely.

822
00:42:17.920 --> 00:42:21.840
Do you know
what the main reason is why I vote?

823
00:42:21.920 --> 00:42:22.840
Like politics?

824
00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:27.400
I have this thing
that makes me want to check off boxes.

825
00:42:28.080 --> 00:42:30.200
Doesn't matter which box. Check.

826
00:42:30.280 --> 00:42:33.000
"Hey, Hany. Who did you vote for? SPD?"

827
00:42:33.520 --> 00:42:34.680
"Among others."

828
00:42:36.560 --> 00:42:38.960
I've had this thing
ever since I was in school.

829
00:42:39.040 --> 00:42:42.640
Really. Remember these love letters
with "Yes," "No," "Maybe"?

830
00:42:43.800 --> 00:42:46.720
When I got it, I checked them all off.

831
00:42:47.240 --> 00:42:48.800
The girls actually liked it.

832
00:42:48.880 --> 00:42:52.040
They were like,
"Oh, my God. Hany is so mysterious."

833
00:42:52.800 --> 00:42:56.320
"No, I'm just the guy
from the show, Monk."

834
00:42:57.240 --> 00:42:58.760
I still don't get

835
00:42:58.840 --> 00:43:02.000
why women are so into mysterious men.

836
00:43:02.080 --> 00:43:03.200
I don't get it.

837
00:43:03.720 --> 00:43:07.800
Ladies, mystery is never a good thing.

838
00:43:09.720 --> 00:43:12.600
Or have you ever met a man who said,

839
00:43:13.120 --> 00:43:15.000
"I have a secret to confess.

840
00:43:15.760 --> 00:43:17.520
I'm a millionaire.

841
00:43:19.200 --> 00:43:20.680
What? You're okay with that?

842
00:43:21.440 --> 00:43:24.680
I finally found someone
interested in my credit card."

843
00:43:24.760 --> 00:43:25.840
Never happened!

844
00:43:26.480 --> 00:43:29.520
My secret is my box-checking obsession.

845
00:43:30.520 --> 00:43:33.240
This tick will be my downfall.

846
00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:37.800
Do you have any idea
how expensive my insurance is?

847
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:42.600
This form destroyed me!

848
00:43:43.400 --> 00:43:45.800
"Please mark
your preexisting conditions."

849
00:43:57.880 --> 00:43:59.080
Fuck!

850
00:44:00.840 --> 00:44:03.160
-"Do you have hemorrhoids?"
-"I do now."

851
00:44:05.040 --> 00:44:06.240
But guys…

852
00:44:06.320 --> 00:44:07.800
Guys, speaking of voting.

853
00:44:07.880 --> 00:44:10.160
I think voting is extremely important,

854
00:44:10.240 --> 00:44:13.280
solely to cancel out the vote of a Nazi.

855
00:44:13.360 --> 00:44:15.640
Because a lot of idiots get to vote.

856
00:44:15.720 --> 00:44:20.080
For example, on the internet,
I recently saw a gay Nazi.

857
00:44:20.160 --> 00:44:21.240
A gay Nazi!

858
00:44:22.120 --> 00:44:24.000
He seriously said,

859
00:44:25.240 --> 00:44:26.280
"Oh, my gosh!

860
00:44:29.640 --> 00:44:31.120
These Muslims…

861
00:44:32.080 --> 00:44:34.400
are taking all the good men!"

862
00:44:38.040 --> 00:44:39.200
Okay, timeout!

863
00:44:40.160 --> 00:44:42.880
I think this danger is quite manageable.

864
00:44:43.960 --> 00:44:47.120
Never in my life
have I heard a Muslim say,

865
00:44:47.640 --> 00:44:49.160
"Brother, after Ramadan,

866
00:44:49.680 --> 00:44:51.960
I'm going to taste some spicy sausage!"

867
00:45:00.160 --> 00:45:01.480
Never seen it!

868
00:45:01.560 --> 00:45:04.640
Never seen it, but who knows?
Maybe it exists.

869
00:45:04.720 --> 00:45:06.280
Anything is possible.

870
00:45:06.360 --> 00:45:10.760
I mean, standing before you
is a dark-skinned person born in Germany,

871
00:45:10.840 --> 00:45:13.000
an Arab who supports gay marriage

872
00:45:13.080 --> 00:45:16.080
and the son of Muslims
who take Hebrew at school.

873
00:45:17.560 --> 00:45:19.840
Anything is possible.

874
00:45:20.480 --> 00:45:21.520
Anything.

875
00:45:23.360 --> 00:45:24.280
Yes!

876
00:45:27.040 --> 00:45:28.800
And I'm a nice guy.

877
00:45:30.600 --> 00:45:31.560
Why did you laugh?

878
00:45:32.520 --> 00:45:33.960
I really am a nice guy,

879
00:45:34.040 --> 00:45:37.000
and I never want
anyone to feel bad because of me.

880
00:45:37.080 --> 00:45:38.880
For example, a while ago,

881
00:45:38.960 --> 00:45:42.480
I flirted with a woman,
which happens once every five years.

882
00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:46.280
And she wasn't,
how should I put it, like, "Damn!"

883
00:45:46.360 --> 00:45:47.840
More like, "Damn."

884
00:45:48.960 --> 00:45:52.960
And the way she started talking to me,
like, "Oh! Hey, cutie!

885
00:45:55.160 --> 00:45:56.560
Give me your number."

886
00:45:56.640 --> 00:46:00.280
I had trouble saying,
"Sorry, but I don't date cyclopes."

887
00:46:01.080 --> 00:46:04.320
So I had to improvise, I was like,

888
00:46:05.080 --> 00:46:08.040
"Oh, pardon! Je ne peux parler allemand!"

889
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:11.400
"Oh! Mais je peux parler français!"

890
00:46:12.920 --> 00:46:16.840
"Oh! Mi scusi! Non parlo tedesco!"

891
00:46:17.400 --> 00:46:19.840
"Oh! Ma io parlo italiano!"

892
00:46:21.080 --> 00:46:22.040
Shit!

893
00:46:22.560 --> 00:46:25.680
"Ben almanca konuşamıyorum."

894
00:46:27.200 --> 00:46:28.520
"Ben türkçe konuşuyorum!"

895
00:46:28.600 --> 00:46:29.920
I was like, "Dude!"

896
00:46:35.160 --> 00:46:36.160
Guys!

897
00:46:37.560 --> 00:46:40.120
I couldn't get out of it!

898
00:46:40.680 --> 00:46:42.760
I was with her for two years.

899
00:46:44.240 --> 00:46:45.280
Gu…

900
00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:46.560
Guys!

901
00:46:46.640 --> 00:46:47.680
She thought…

902
00:46:48.680 --> 00:46:51.520
She thought I was a dark Turk.

903
00:46:53.080 --> 00:46:54.560
Is that even a thing?

904
00:46:57.000 --> 00:46:58.480
Never seen one!

905
00:46:59.000 --> 00:46:59.840
Never seen it!

906
00:46:59.920 --> 00:47:03.040
But I eventually
managed to break up with her.

907
00:47:03.120 --> 00:47:05.160
I managed it eventually.

908
00:47:05.240 --> 00:47:08.040
I just had to wait for the right moment.

909
00:47:08.720 --> 00:47:09.600
"Hany!

910
00:47:10.200 --> 00:47:12.560
I told you to leave me some chocolate!"

911
00:47:14.920 --> 00:47:17.040
"Did you just call me nigga?"

912
00:47:17.120 --> 00:47:18.440
And I bounced.

913
00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:21.960
My name is Hany Siam!

914
00:47:22.040 --> 00:47:23.520
You were unbelievable!

915
00:47:23.600 --> 00:47:25.000
You were amazing!

916
00:47:25.080 --> 00:47:26.520
Thank you!

917
00:47:27.600 --> 00:47:29.080
Thank you! I love you!

918
00:47:29.680 --> 00:47:30.560
Thank you!

919
00:47:40.240 --> 00:47:41.200
Ladies and gentlemen,

920
00:47:41.280 --> 00:47:43.920
go wild
for the co-founder of RebellComedy!

921
00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:47.720
Here is Ususmango!

922
00:47:48.600 --> 00:47:49.720
What's up?

923
00:47:50.600 --> 00:47:51.920
Very nice!

924
00:47:54.120 --> 00:47:56.000
Very cool. What's up?

925
00:47:56.080 --> 00:47:57.760
How are you doing, Cologne?

926
00:47:58.440 --> 00:48:00.720
Great. I'm so happy to be here.

927
00:48:00.800 --> 00:48:03.000
Really. I missed you.

928
00:48:03.080 --> 00:48:04.840
I don't know any of you, but I…

929
00:48:05.760 --> 00:48:08.880
I really missed you,
in my imagination, kind of.

930
00:48:08.960 --> 00:48:11.360
I don't know… I'm happy to be here.

931
00:48:11.440 --> 00:48:14.960
I have three kids at home.
I now have three kids.

932
00:48:15.480 --> 00:48:18.960
I'm extremely happy to be here, so…

933
00:48:19.480 --> 00:48:21.720
Really so much…

934
00:48:22.640 --> 00:48:25.200
A break. I get a break.

935
00:48:26.160 --> 00:48:27.120
Exactly, man.

936
00:48:27.760 --> 00:48:31.120
Most of you know two of my kids
from the RebellComedy stories.

937
00:48:31.200 --> 00:48:33.280
Now I have three. I don't know how.

938
00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:35.760
You might be able to figure it out.

939
00:48:35.840 --> 00:48:37.000
I have three kids.

940
00:48:37.080 --> 00:48:39.920
My oldest daughter is 11 years old.

941
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:41.000
My son is nine.

942
00:48:41.080 --> 00:48:43.120
My youngest daughter is five.

943
00:48:43.200 --> 00:48:45.360
I always remind myself

944
00:48:45.440 --> 00:48:50.960
that the others are already so big,
but I feel like five is a cool age.

945
00:48:51.040 --> 00:48:52.120
Really a cool age,

946
00:48:52.200 --> 00:48:56.080
because, as a father or mother,
you put them to bed each night.

947
00:48:56.160 --> 00:48:58.000
She can't fall asleep without you.

948
00:48:58.080 --> 00:49:02.960
She and I have always had a ritual.

949
00:49:03.480 --> 00:49:07.760
You know?
I put her to bed, then tell her stories.

950
00:49:07.840 --> 00:49:11.240
Maybe I'll sing,
or sometimes we have a competition.

951
00:49:11.760 --> 00:49:14.000
A simple battle, back and forth.

952
00:49:14.080 --> 00:49:16.680
You may know this. It goes like this,

953
00:49:16.760 --> 00:49:19.480
"Dad, I love you as much as…"

954
00:49:19.560 --> 00:49:22.160
She'll say something,
and I have to one-up her.

955
00:49:22.240 --> 00:49:25.600
And she always thinks,
because she has no idea about life…

956
00:49:26.720 --> 00:49:29.200
She thinks she can one-up me.

957
00:49:29.280 --> 00:49:31.360
She thinks she's better than me.

958
00:49:32.680 --> 00:49:35.120
You have no idea. You're the third kid.

959
00:49:36.080 --> 00:49:39.120
You're the third kid.
My gun is fully loaded.

960
00:49:39.840 --> 00:49:41.320
You know…

961
00:49:41.400 --> 00:49:43.520
some people are veterans,
I'm a fatheran.

962
00:49:44.160 --> 00:49:46.280
I can do anything. You can't win.

963
00:49:46.360 --> 00:49:47.280
Forget it.

964
00:49:47.360 --> 00:49:48.600
That's how I act.

965
00:49:48.680 --> 00:49:50.280
Recently, I did it again.

966
00:49:50.360 --> 00:49:53.280
I put her to bed,
but was under time pressure.

967
00:49:53.360 --> 00:49:56.560
You know when you're impatient
and you feel you have no time?

968
00:49:56.640 --> 00:49:59.120
She felt it. Kids feel it right away.

969
00:49:59.200 --> 00:50:02.000
She noticed,
"He has an appointment, another show.

970
00:50:02.080 --> 00:50:03.760
Let's keep him here longer.

971
00:50:03.840 --> 00:50:05.360
Let's keep him here."

972
00:50:05.440 --> 00:50:06.920
Then she was like,

973
00:50:07.000 --> 00:50:09.480
-"Dad, can we play the game?"
-"Yeah, okay."

974
00:50:09.560 --> 00:50:10.920
She started like this,

975
00:50:12.160 --> 00:50:17.160
"Dad, I love you as much as
there are stars in the sky."

976
00:50:20.360 --> 00:50:23.560
You know how many times I've heard that?
"Stars in the sky"?

977
00:50:24.080 --> 00:50:26.880
I've heard it more
than a woman at a bar.

978
00:50:26.960 --> 00:50:30.800
You know? At this moment,
I was like, "Something new, please."

979
00:50:31.360 --> 00:50:33.360
You know… on the inside, I was.

980
00:50:33.440 --> 00:50:36.240
I told her, "Oh, that's so much."

981
00:50:36.320 --> 00:50:37.880
On the inside, I was like,

982
00:50:37.960 --> 00:50:39.120
"That was lame!"

983
00:50:39.600 --> 00:50:42.680
Garbage. Garbage line.
The worst I've ever heard.

984
00:50:42.760 --> 00:50:45.560
I was a little disappointed, but I…

985
00:50:45.640 --> 00:50:47.920
I was like, "That's so much.

986
00:50:48.000 --> 00:50:53.960
But I love you as much as
there are stars in the whole galaxy."

987
00:50:54.040 --> 00:50:56.920
She was like,
"That has to be a ton, right?"

988
00:50:57.000 --> 00:50:58.880
I was like, "Yeah." And she went on.

989
00:50:58.960 --> 00:51:04.440
"Dad, I love you as much as
there are grains of sand in a sandbox."

990
00:51:05.160 --> 00:51:06.120
I was like,

991
00:51:06.640 --> 00:51:09.760
"Of all things, you pick a sandbox?
The smallest?

992
00:51:10.960 --> 00:51:13.160
Dude, just pick… Okay, whatever!"

993
00:51:13.240 --> 00:51:14.640
"Okay, that's so much.

994
00:51:14.720 --> 00:51:19.720
I love you as much as
there are grains of sand on the beach."

995
00:51:19.800 --> 00:51:22.480
She's like, "Wow, that's so much, right?"

996
00:51:22.560 --> 00:51:24.480
I was like, "Yeah, that's so much!"

997
00:51:25.520 --> 00:51:27.400
Then she said, "I have one more."

998
00:51:27.480 --> 00:51:29.000
Dad, I love you as much as

999
00:51:29.080 --> 00:51:32.760
there are grains of sand
on the beach and the ocean floor,

1000
00:51:32.840 --> 00:51:34.040
there's sand there too,

1001
00:51:34.120 --> 00:51:37.720
and in the desert in Saudi Arabia."

1002
00:51:37.800 --> 00:51:41.080
I was like, "Whoa, that's not bad."

1003
00:51:41.160 --> 00:51:43.200
But I didn't have any more time.

1004
00:51:43.280 --> 00:51:44.560
I had no more time.

1005
00:51:44.640 --> 00:51:47.400
I was like,
"Respect and whatnot, but I have to go."

1006
00:51:47.480 --> 00:51:51.400
Respect, but I'll give her one last one
so she can finally sleep.

1007
00:51:51.480 --> 00:51:53.360
Not a death blow, but a…

1008
00:51:53.440 --> 00:51:57.040
but a sleeping blow. I'll give her a…

1009
00:51:57.120 --> 00:51:59.280
I'll give her a sleeping blow.

1010
00:51:59.360 --> 00:52:03.520
I was like,
"Hey, honey. I love you as much as…

1011
00:52:03.600 --> 00:52:05.600
I love you as much as

1012
00:52:06.200 --> 00:52:10.240
there are racists
in Germany again all of a sudden.

1013
00:52:18.040 --> 00:52:19.160
And she was like,

1014
00:52:19.240 --> 00:52:21.360
"Really? That much, Dad?

1015
00:52:22.200 --> 00:52:24.120
Yeah, me too, Dad."

1016
00:52:26.280 --> 00:52:28.040
Right to sleep.

1017
00:52:28.640 --> 00:52:30.560
I'm happy. I'm happy.

1018
00:52:30.640 --> 00:52:31.480
That's crazy.

1019
00:52:31.560 --> 00:52:35.600
I always associate the zoo with kids.

1020
00:52:35.680 --> 00:52:38.760
The last time I was at the zoo,
I went with my kids.

1021
00:52:38.840 --> 00:52:40.840
But the youngest wasn't born yet.

1022
00:52:40.920 --> 00:52:42.840
I only had two kids.

1023
00:52:42.920 --> 00:52:43.880
That's crazy.

1024
00:52:43.960 --> 00:52:46.920
The three of us went to the Cologne Zoo.

1025
00:52:47.000 --> 00:52:48.680
I don't know if you know,

1026
00:52:48.760 --> 00:52:53.080
but when you pay for three entrances fees
to the Cologne Zoo,

1027
00:52:53.160 --> 00:52:55.080
you're already in the red.

1028
00:52:55.160 --> 00:52:57.400
Everything is expensive inside too.

1029
00:52:57.480 --> 00:52:59.920
French fries for 5,000 euros.

1030
00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:02.560
Stuffed animal costs a million.
It's crazy expensive.

1031
00:53:02.640 --> 00:53:07.040
As we walk around, I turn
their heads away from all that stuff.

1032
00:53:07.120 --> 00:53:08.320
-"Don't look."
-"Why?"

1033
00:53:08.400 --> 00:53:09.880
"It's haram. Just look…

1034
00:53:10.640 --> 00:53:13.080
Just don't look there.
Look at the animals."

1035
00:53:18.040 --> 00:53:20.280
I'm like, "Look at the animals."

1036
00:53:20.360 --> 00:53:21.680
They look at the animals.

1037
00:53:21.760 --> 00:53:24.040
Meanwhile, I'm looking at the map.

1038
00:53:24.120 --> 00:53:27.320
I'm figuring out where we can go.
Not for the animals.

1039
00:53:27.400 --> 00:53:30.680
Instead…
You know the balloon guy at the zoo?

1040
00:53:31.520 --> 00:53:32.480
You know him?

1041
00:53:32.560 --> 00:53:35.120
There's a guy with a bazillion balloons,

1042
00:53:35.200 --> 00:53:36.720
all helium balloons,

1043
00:53:36.800 --> 00:53:39.000
and I hate this guy.

1044
00:53:39.080 --> 00:53:41.120
I hate him with all my heart.

1045
00:53:41.200 --> 00:53:43.560
Because one balloon costs six euros.

1046
00:53:44.160 --> 00:53:47.960
It's so much,
and once kids of certain age see him,

1047
00:53:48.040 --> 00:53:50.440
they want one,
and I can't tell them no.

1048
00:53:50.520 --> 00:53:53.680
I know I can't say no,
and it'll be another six euros.

1049
00:53:53.760 --> 00:53:55.800
It's the sort of thing
that if you let go,

1050
00:53:55.880 --> 00:53:58.000
it floats into outer space,

1051
00:53:58.080 --> 00:54:00.760
and now your six euros are in space.

1052
00:54:00.840 --> 00:54:03.440
And then I'm like, "Okay,"
and my plan is working,

1053
00:54:03.520 --> 00:54:04.600
we didn't see him.

1054
00:54:04.680 --> 00:54:07.840
And right at the end, there he stands.

1055
00:54:08.360 --> 00:54:09.840
Like a final boss.

1056
00:54:09.920 --> 00:54:13.560
He's standing there grinning at me.
It's a Stephen King movie.

1057
00:54:14.280 --> 00:54:17.840
With all the balloons, grinning
and looking nice, and I'm like,

1058
00:54:17.920 --> 00:54:20.800
"I hate him. This bastard."

1059
00:54:21.320 --> 00:54:23.040
My kids see him right away.

1060
00:54:23.120 --> 00:54:24.640
-"Dad, balloons."
-"No."

1061
00:54:24.720 --> 00:54:28.840
-"Dad, please! One, please!
-"Yeah, okay."

1062
00:54:29.560 --> 00:54:30.720
I hate him.

1063
00:54:30.800 --> 00:54:33.440
We go up to him, and I ask my son,

1064
00:54:33.520 --> 00:54:35.560
-"Which one?"
-"Bob the Builder."

1065
00:54:35.640 --> 00:54:37.600
"All right, one Bob the Builder."

1066
00:54:37.680 --> 00:54:39.120
So I take the cord

1067
00:54:39.720 --> 00:54:42.320
and tie a knot around his wrist,

1068
00:54:42.400 --> 00:54:44.400
so the six euros don't go into space.

1069
00:54:44.480 --> 00:54:46.800
So I tie a huge knot on his hand.

1070
00:54:46.880 --> 00:54:47.840
His hand's like…

1071
00:54:50.600 --> 00:54:53.480
Then I asked my daughter,
"And what do you want?"

1072
00:54:53.560 --> 00:54:55.560
-"Barbie!"
-"One Barbie, please."

1073
00:54:55.640 --> 00:54:57.880
I take it, and go to tie a knot.

1074
00:54:57.960 --> 00:54:59.280
You have to understand

1075
00:54:59.360 --> 00:55:02.920
she is two years older,
and she wants to feel it.

1076
00:55:03.000 --> 00:55:06.440
She says, "I'm a big girl.
No need for a knot. I've got it."

1077
00:55:06.520 --> 00:55:09.520
-"No, I'm tying a knot."
-"No, I've got it. I swear."

1078
00:55:09.600 --> 00:55:11.400
"Okay, but hold it tight."

1079
00:55:11.480 --> 00:55:16.320
As soon as they have the balloons,
I become a general.

1080
00:55:16.400 --> 00:55:18.760
I'm constantly checking.
"Where are they?"

1081
00:55:18.840 --> 00:55:20.560
They say, "Here on my wrist."

1082
00:55:20.640 --> 00:55:23.000
-"Hold it tight!"
-"Yes, Dad. I am."

1083
00:55:23.880 --> 00:55:25.680
I have just one mission.

1084
00:55:25.760 --> 00:55:28.560
The guy says, "12 euros."
I'm like, "Choke on it."

1085
00:55:29.800 --> 00:55:32.680
I have to get them
from the exit to the car

1086
00:55:32.760 --> 00:55:35.720
without anyone letting
six euros go into space.

1087
00:55:35.800 --> 00:55:38.560
That's my mission.
All I want is to get to the car.

1088
00:55:38.640 --> 00:55:43.200
We get to the car. Door open,
kid in, balloon in, door closed.

1089
00:55:43.280 --> 00:55:46.920
Now the other one. Door open,
kid in, balloon in, door closed.

1090
00:55:49.160 --> 00:55:50.080
Then I'm relaxed.

1091
00:55:50.160 --> 00:55:52.640
It's the only moment I'm relaxed.

1092
00:55:52.720 --> 00:55:55.720
I go to my door, get in, and we drive off.

1093
00:55:55.800 --> 00:56:00.160
The whole way home, I'm thinking
about what a strange outing it was,

1094
00:56:00.240 --> 00:56:02.680
how much money I lost.

1095
00:56:02.760 --> 00:56:07.920
I'm adding it up, "A million to get in,
then balloons for 12 euros.

1096
00:56:08.000 --> 00:56:11.120
The lion wasn't even there.
Ain't that some shit?

1097
00:56:11.960 --> 00:56:14.200
We eventually arrive.

1098
00:56:14.280 --> 00:56:16.080
I'm a general again.
"Where are they?"

1099
00:56:16.160 --> 00:56:17.240
-"Here."
-"Hold on."

1100
00:56:17.320 --> 00:56:18.760
"Yes, Dad. I'm holding it."

1101
00:56:18.840 --> 00:56:20.160
My son is like…

1102
00:56:20.240 --> 00:56:22.120
He's proud. He has a knot.

1103
00:56:22.200 --> 00:56:23.440
I say, "Okay, good."

1104
00:56:23.520 --> 00:56:27.160
I go inside. My son goes in.
The balloon goes in.

1105
00:56:27.240 --> 00:56:29.920
My daughter comes super slow.
"I'm holding it tight!"

1106
00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:32.120
Then, all of a sudden, she lets go.

1107
00:56:33.080 --> 00:56:34.920
One meter in front of the door.

1108
00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:37.120
"Dad, my balloon!

1109
00:56:37.200 --> 00:56:39.520
Dad, I'm sorry!

1110
00:56:39.600 --> 00:56:41.400
My balloon!"

1111
00:56:41.480 --> 00:56:43.720
My son is like…

1112
00:56:49.480 --> 00:56:50.720
I'm like, "Okay, good."

1113
00:56:51.440 --> 00:56:54.120
He's still happy,
but she won't stop crying.

1114
00:56:54.200 --> 00:56:55.760
He can't take it.

1115
00:56:55.840 --> 00:56:56.840
His heart is so big.

1116
00:56:56.920 --> 00:56:59.320
He can't take it
when his sister is crying.

1117
00:56:59.400 --> 00:57:00.760
At some point, he was like,

1118
00:57:00.840 --> 00:57:02.560
"Then take mine!"

1119
00:57:03.440 --> 00:57:06.000
I was like,
"Crazy! What a heart on this kid!

1120
00:57:06.080 --> 00:57:09.200
What a great guy.
I want to be like him. Let's trade.

1121
00:57:10.040 --> 00:57:11.920
Really. Awesome guy."

1122
00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:13.160
And she's like,

1123
00:57:13.240 --> 00:57:15.160
"No, that one's ugly."

1124
00:57:16.240 --> 00:57:18.160
I'm like, "What kind person are you?"

1125
00:57:18.920 --> 00:57:22.040
I can't get mad at her.
She's crying. It's hard for me too.

1126
00:57:22.120 --> 00:57:25.520
I can't calm her down.
My son can't calm her down.

1127
00:57:25.600 --> 00:57:28.560
Eventually, my son can't take it anymore.
He goes,

1128
00:57:29.640 --> 00:57:32.520
"Then I don't want mine anymore either!"

1129
00:57:34.320 --> 00:57:37.120
And just throws it up into space.

1130
00:57:37.200 --> 00:57:40.440
I'm standing there saying,
"12 euros into space!

1131
00:57:41.240 --> 00:57:43.760
Are you two kidding me, dude?"

1132
00:57:44.520 --> 00:57:46.640
No, for real. For real.

1133
00:57:46.720 --> 00:57:49.200
This really happened. True story.

1134
00:57:49.280 --> 00:57:51.320
When you see your son do that,

1135
00:57:51.400 --> 00:57:52.520
he did that,

1136
00:57:52.600 --> 00:57:54.520
as a father, you're touched.

1137
00:57:55.040 --> 00:57:57.560
All of a sudden, I teared up myself.

1138
00:57:57.640 --> 00:57:59.000
I start crying too.

1139
00:57:59.520 --> 00:58:03.760
My son slowly realizes
he'll never see Bob the Builder again.

1140
00:58:04.840 --> 00:58:06.760
He starts to cry.

1141
00:58:06.840 --> 00:58:09.600
Three people are crying after one outing.

1142
00:58:10.720 --> 00:58:12.000
Everyone's crying.

1143
00:58:12.080 --> 00:58:14.080
I was like, "Was it a nice outing?"

1144
00:58:14.160 --> 00:58:15.840
"Yes, Dad."

1145
00:58:15.920 --> 00:58:19.600
-"Should we go back to the zoo?"
-"Yes, Dad."

1146
00:58:20.680 --> 00:58:22.440
We never went back.

1147
00:58:22.520 --> 00:58:25.160
Never. I'm never going back.

1148
00:58:25.240 --> 00:58:26.200
That's me.

1149
00:58:26.280 --> 00:58:29.840
I don't know about you,
but I've thought about it.

1150
00:58:30.440 --> 00:58:31.640
Never again.

1151
00:58:31.720 --> 00:58:32.760
Hey, Cologne.

1152
00:58:32.840 --> 00:58:35.000
Thank you. My name is Ususmango.

1153
00:58:35.080 --> 00:58:36.560
RebellComedy! Peace!

1154
00:58:41.680 --> 00:58:42.640
Ladies and gentlemen,

1155
00:58:42.720 --> 00:58:45.520
put your hands together
for the RebellComedy legend,

1156
00:58:45.600 --> 00:58:47.440
Benaissa Lamroubal!

1157
00:59:06.480 --> 00:59:07.640
Thank you!

1158
00:59:07.720 --> 00:59:09.200
Thanks. Awesome!

1159
00:59:09.280 --> 00:59:12.080
This is so good. It's so good. For real.

1160
00:59:12.160 --> 00:59:17.080
In these times, you're just happy
to perform in front of people. You know?

1161
00:59:17.680 --> 00:59:20.160
My last show was in front of cars.

1162
00:59:21.800 --> 00:59:24.920
My takeaway was, don't talk to cars.

1163
00:59:25.960 --> 00:59:27.840
Unless your name is Michael Knight.

1164
00:59:27.920 --> 00:59:29.240
Otherwise, forget it.

1165
00:59:29.320 --> 00:59:31.120
You shouldn't talk to cars.

1166
00:59:31.200 --> 00:59:34.520
It was a drive-up cinema event.
I think it was really cool for them.

1167
00:59:34.600 --> 00:59:35.920
They wanted to see a film,

1168
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:39.080
but they saw
The Confused Comedian, in theaters now.

1169
00:59:39.640 --> 00:59:42.560
It was a disaster for me. I was confused.

1170
00:59:42.640 --> 00:59:45.280
You can't talk to cars.

1171
00:59:45.360 --> 00:59:46.960
They want to talk, of course,

1172
00:59:47.040 --> 00:59:49.600
but I didn't understand
what they wanted from me.

1173
00:59:49.680 --> 00:59:52.600
You know how they clapped?

1174
00:59:53.480 --> 00:59:54.840
Right, they honked!

1175
00:59:55.480 --> 00:59:56.480
They honked.

1176
00:59:56.560 --> 00:59:58.320
And I told jokes on stage.

1177
00:59:58.400 --> 01:00:01.040
They had to laugh.
You know how they laughed?

1178
01:00:01.120 --> 01:00:03.440
Exactly, they honked for that too.

1179
01:00:04.640 --> 01:00:08.040
There were parts of my set
they didn't like. They wanted to boo.

1180
01:00:08.120 --> 01:00:09.000
You know how?

1181
01:00:09.880 --> 01:00:11.360
Right, they honked.

1182
01:00:12.440 --> 01:00:16.440
Ten minutes later,
I didn't know if they liked it or not.

1183
01:00:16.920 --> 01:00:18.880
It's definitely crazy.

1184
01:00:19.680 --> 01:00:21.880
Communicating through horns.

1185
01:00:21.960 --> 01:00:24.240
Laughter just
can't be replaced by a honk.

1186
01:00:24.320 --> 01:00:28.080
Laughter is
one of the most beautiful sounds.

1187
01:00:29.000 --> 01:00:29.840
So beautiful.

1188
01:00:30.520 --> 01:00:31.560
Yeah.

1189
01:00:33.040 --> 01:00:33.880
Versus…

1190
01:00:35.920 --> 01:00:37.160
It's a warning signal.

1191
01:00:37.240 --> 01:00:39.120
I get scared when I hear it.

1192
01:00:39.200 --> 01:00:42.440
It's not a good reaction to a joke.
It doesn't work.

1193
01:00:42.520 --> 01:00:44.360
"Hey! You ever heard this one?

1194
01:00:45.080 --> 01:00:46.960
What does the Pole do on the ice?

1195
01:00:47.040 --> 01:00:49.000
He breaks in!"

1196
01:00:53.520 --> 01:00:54.760
That doesn't work.

1197
01:00:54.840 --> 01:00:57.320
I have to say
it depends on the joke a bit.

1198
01:00:57.400 --> 01:01:01.480
For the joke to work,
there have to be Poles in the audience.

1199
01:01:02.040 --> 01:01:04.600
But with Poles there,
there won't be any honking.

1200
01:01:06.560 --> 01:01:09.480
To be exact, there won't be any cars.

1201
01:01:12.200 --> 01:01:14.760
Cheap stereotype. You like that?

1202
01:01:14.840 --> 01:01:15.800
You love that.

1203
01:01:15.880 --> 01:01:18.560
Me too, it's okay.
We love these stereotypes.

1204
01:01:18.640 --> 01:01:22.000
But they're not true.
I know thousands of Poles. None steal.

1205
01:01:22.600 --> 01:01:25.400
But we want to hear, "The Pole steals."

1206
01:01:25.480 --> 01:01:28.920
We want to hear,
"The Arab has a big beard and four wives."

1207
01:01:29.000 --> 01:01:31.920
We want to hear,
"The Albanian works on construction site."

1208
01:01:32.920 --> 01:01:34.000
We want to hear that.

1209
01:01:34.080 --> 01:01:36.280
It may not be true, but we want it.

1210
01:01:36.360 --> 01:01:40.320
We're people. We want categories.
"Make it easy for us."

1211
01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:43.240
That's what we want.
That's why we go to the zoo.

1212
01:01:43.320 --> 01:01:46.640
We want to see the animals
at the zoo as we like them.

1213
01:01:46.720 --> 01:01:48.400
We want to see the lion.

1214
01:01:48.480 --> 01:01:51.000
Why? The lion is the king.

1215
01:01:51.080 --> 01:01:53.560
Because he has a mane
that looks like a crown.

1216
01:01:53.640 --> 01:01:55.640
He's the king of the jungle.

1217
01:01:55.720 --> 01:01:58.240
Dude, he lives in the savanna,
not the jungle.

1218
01:01:58.960 --> 01:02:00.280
What does he do?

1219
01:02:00.360 --> 01:02:04.440
He sits on his ass all day
with a mane, a huge beard and four wives.

1220
01:02:04.520 --> 01:02:06.480
He's more Arab than the Arab.

1221
01:02:12.240 --> 01:02:14.520
The lion is not the king.

1222
01:02:15.040 --> 01:02:18.800
In the jungle, the gorilla is the king.
Look at the gorilla, dude!

1223
01:02:18.880 --> 01:02:20.040
Such a monster!

1224
01:02:20.600 --> 01:02:21.640
Muscles all over!

1225
01:02:21.720 --> 01:02:25.640
This is the king.
He's King Kong. That's the king.

1226
01:02:25.720 --> 01:02:27.960
The gorilla wipes his ass with lion.

1227
01:02:28.760 --> 01:02:30.000
Fucking hell.

1228
01:02:30.080 --> 01:02:32.360
"Bring your mane over here, boy!"

1229
01:02:32.880 --> 01:02:35.240
Crazy. The gorilla, dude…

1230
01:02:35.320 --> 01:02:37.480
A silverback gorilla… Look at that thing.

1231
01:02:38.000 --> 01:02:41.840
Such a monster. Muscles all over.
Everyone is scared of him.

1232
01:02:41.920 --> 01:02:43.240
Have you seen King Kong?

1233
01:02:43.320 --> 01:02:45.840
Everyone's scared
the gorilla will eat them.

1234
01:02:45.920 --> 01:02:47.040
Another stereotype.

1235
01:02:48.000 --> 01:02:51.280
Do gorillas go around eating people?
They're nice guys.

1236
01:02:52.160 --> 01:02:53.320
They're vegans.

1237
01:02:54.520 --> 01:02:55.880
We don't want to see it!

1238
01:02:55.960 --> 01:03:00.240
We want stereotypes.
We want to see the monkeys in the zoo.

1239
01:03:00.320 --> 01:03:01.640
But monkeys in the zoo

1240
01:03:01.720 --> 01:03:04.880
have nothing to do
with real monkeys in the jungle.

1241
01:03:04.960 --> 01:03:08.080
These ones live at the zoo.
They have a heating system.

1242
01:03:09.120 --> 01:03:12.800
They get food, medicine.
They live off welfare.

1243
01:03:14.160 --> 01:03:15.400
They have nothing…

1244
01:03:23.760 --> 01:03:26.440
They have nothing to do with real monkeys.

1245
01:03:26.520 --> 01:03:30.360
It's all in our head,
but we want to see the monkeys in the zoo.

1246
01:03:30.440 --> 01:03:31.920
What do we want to see?

1247
01:03:32.000 --> 01:03:33.760
Them eating a banana.

1248
01:03:34.600 --> 01:03:35.680
Yeah.

1249
01:03:35.760 --> 01:03:39.800
Do you know how few monkeys
have ever eaten a banana?

1250
01:03:40.320 --> 01:03:43.400
Monkeys are almost like East Germans.

1251
01:03:44.360 --> 01:03:47.280
Bananas are so scarce,
they don't know about them.

1252
01:03:47.360 --> 01:03:50.440
We really think
the monkey wants to eat the banana.

1253
01:03:50.520 --> 01:03:54.520
We also get this wrong,
we think monkeys eat bananas like this.

1254
01:03:58.640 --> 01:03:59.880
Never!

1255
01:03:59.960 --> 01:04:02.480
When he gets a banana,
he bites it like this.

1256
01:04:04.320 --> 01:04:06.360
It's all in our minds. Really.

1257
01:04:06.440 --> 01:04:08.080
It's exactly the same for people.

1258
01:04:08.640 --> 01:04:10.080
We represent something

1259
01:04:10.160 --> 01:04:12.680
from our home country
or our parents' country,

1260
01:04:12.760 --> 01:04:14.280
but we're different.

1261
01:04:14.360 --> 01:04:16.480
I'm not a Moroccan.

1262
01:04:17.080 --> 01:04:18.760
I am a zoo Moroccan.

1263
01:04:19.680 --> 01:04:22.920
I'm representing something I barely know.

1264
01:04:23.000 --> 01:04:25.720
I talk about Morocco
and Moroccans so much.

1265
01:04:25.800 --> 01:04:29.120
There are Germans
who know more about Morocco than I do.

1266
01:04:29.640 --> 01:04:32.600
If a real Moroccan saw my set, he'd say,

1267
01:04:32.680 --> 01:04:36.600
"I've never seen
anything like that in my life."

1268
01:04:36.680 --> 01:04:37.600
Okay, he'd say,

1269
01:04:37.680 --> 01:04:40.080
"I've never seen anything

1270
01:04:40.800 --> 01:04:43.040
like that in my life!"

1271
01:04:45.440 --> 01:04:46.520
Oh, Lord!

1272
01:04:49.280 --> 01:04:51.800
We need these stereotypes.

1273
01:04:52.320 --> 01:04:55.360
So I'd rather pull them out.
Here's one for you.

1274
01:04:55.440 --> 01:04:59.840
I was in an Italian restaurant
with one of my best friends.

1275
01:04:59.920 --> 01:05:00.840
He's German.

1276
01:05:01.360 --> 01:05:04.240
The German and I go
to an Italian restaurant,

1277
01:05:04.320 --> 01:05:07.960
and after five minutes,
I notice the server is Moroccan,

1278
01:05:08.040 --> 01:05:09.760
because of his French accent.

1279
01:05:10.560 --> 01:05:12.280
So I thought--

1280
01:05:12.360 --> 01:05:14.640
His German wasn't very good.

1281
01:05:14.720 --> 01:05:16.320
But I thought,

1282
01:05:16.400 --> 01:05:19.640
"This would be easier in Moroccan,
but it would ruin everything."

1283
01:05:19.720 --> 01:05:22.320
Because if I start talking
to him in Moroccan,

1284
01:05:22.400 --> 01:05:24.680
my German friend will feel excluded,

1285
01:05:24.760 --> 01:05:26.760
we'd have our Moroccan thing going,

1286
01:05:26.840 --> 01:05:30.440
the other guests would realize
that they aren't actually Italian.

1287
01:05:31.440 --> 01:05:33.560
Suddenly, the macaroni become Moroccani.

1288
01:05:34.640 --> 01:05:37.200
I didn't want that to happen,
so I stuck to German.

1289
01:05:37.280 --> 01:05:40.440
The problem was, I ordered salad.

1290
01:05:40.520 --> 01:05:45.240
I found little pieces
of plastic wrap in the iceberg lettuce.

1291
01:05:46.080 --> 01:05:50.560
Some packaging
was probably left in the iceberg lettuce.

1292
01:05:51.080 --> 01:05:54.560
I was like,
"Hey, look. There's plastic wrap in here.

1293
01:05:54.640 --> 01:05:56.320
Can you take it away?"

1294
01:05:56.400 --> 01:05:58.400
He just picks it out and goes to leave.

1295
01:05:59.720 --> 01:06:01.440
I was like, "Yep, he's Moroccan."

1296
01:06:03.160 --> 01:06:05.440
I was like,
"Brother, please take it with you.

1297
01:06:05.520 --> 01:06:09.320
There's plastic in there.
I can't eat that. I could get sick."

1298
01:06:09.400 --> 01:06:13.360
And I think he wanted to say,
"No, you won't get sick."

1299
01:06:13.440 --> 01:06:17.160
But what came out of his mouth was,
"No, you suck my dick."

1300
01:06:25.240 --> 01:06:26.240
I said, "Brother,

1301
01:06:26.320 --> 01:06:28.520
you probably meant,
'It won't make you sick'."

1302
01:06:28.600 --> 01:06:32.680
He said, "No, you heard right.
Suck my dick and go fuck yourself!"

1303
01:06:34.120 --> 01:06:35.200
No way.

1304
01:06:37.080 --> 01:06:40.240
As I was saying, I'm a zoo Moroccan.

1305
01:06:40.760 --> 01:06:42.280
I was on a soccer team.

1306
01:06:42.360 --> 01:06:45.760
If you've been on an actual team,
you know you're a zoo Moroccan.

1307
01:06:45.840 --> 01:06:50.360
Real Moroccans in Morocco
play barefoot in the street.

1308
01:06:50.440 --> 01:06:51.280
Great players.

1309
01:06:51.360 --> 01:06:54.960
I have two cousins who are great.
They played barefoot in the street.

1310
01:06:55.040 --> 01:06:58.080
They would each have been
on the German national team.

1311
01:06:58.160 --> 01:07:02.920
In Germany, I was
a second-string player on BV Weckhoven.

1312
01:07:03.000 --> 01:07:04.840
I was the worst player ever.

1313
01:07:04.920 --> 01:07:07.760
I wasn't allowed to play
soccer with my cousins.

1314
01:07:07.840 --> 01:07:10.280
My father said, "No, you're too soft.

1315
01:07:10.880 --> 01:07:12.040
They play barefoot.

1316
01:07:12.120 --> 01:07:15.800
You need cleats, socks, and shin guards.

1317
01:07:15.880 --> 01:07:17.240
You need all that.

1318
01:07:17.960 --> 01:07:20.600
Don't play with them. Play by yourself."

1319
01:07:21.320 --> 01:07:24.680
I played soccer in Germany.

1320
01:07:24.760 --> 01:07:27.920
I was too organized for Moroccans

1321
01:07:28.000 --> 01:07:30.640
and too unorganized for Germans.

1322
01:07:30.720 --> 01:07:32.840
So, German soccer clubs,

1323
01:07:32.920 --> 01:07:35.280
I know a lot of you have been in one,

1324
01:07:35.360 --> 01:07:38.160
every Saturday or Sunday, you have a game.

1325
01:07:38.240 --> 01:07:43.480
After the game,
someone new brings the jerseys home,

1326
01:07:43.560 --> 01:07:46.440
washes them,
and brings them to the next game.

1327
01:07:46.520 --> 01:07:48.360
When it was my turn, disaster.

1328
01:07:49.360 --> 01:07:53.800
We had a huge bag,
and we put all the jerseys in there.

1329
01:07:53.880 --> 01:07:55.560
I took the bag home.

1330
01:07:55.640 --> 01:07:58.400
I took my time.
The next game was in seven days.

1331
01:07:58.480 --> 01:08:02.240
I leave the bag in the corner.
Two days before the game, I think,

1332
01:08:02.320 --> 01:08:04.040
"I have to wash the jerseys."

1333
01:08:04.120 --> 01:08:06.880
I looked for the bag.
It's gone. "Where is it?"

1334
01:08:06.960 --> 01:08:08.080
On top of the cabinet.

1335
01:08:08.160 --> 01:08:10.240
My father had packed it
to send it to Morocco.

1336
01:08:11.520 --> 01:08:13.120
I'm like, "Where's my stuff?"

1337
01:08:13.200 --> 01:08:14.640
Now I have to find it all.

1338
01:08:14.720 --> 01:08:18.240
I see my brother in the street.
He has a goalie jersey on.

1339
01:08:19.640 --> 01:08:23.280
His best friend is wearing
number ten from BV Weckhoven.

1340
01:08:23.920 --> 01:08:25.600
I'm like, "Shit! What is this?"

1341
01:08:31.280 --> 01:08:32.720
Today is game day.

1342
01:08:32.800 --> 01:08:35.000
I scrape it all together and wash it.

1343
01:08:35.080 --> 01:08:38.400
We have a mountain of laundry.
Five kids, endless laundry.

1344
01:08:38.480 --> 01:08:41.120
I have to get them clean.
I try to get them clean.

1345
01:08:41.200 --> 01:08:43.760
Put them in the bag, go to the club.

1346
01:08:43.840 --> 01:08:46.200
They're waiting for me.
Game's about to start.

1347
01:08:46.280 --> 01:08:48.560
I toss the bag in the middle. Open it.

1348
01:08:48.640 --> 01:08:50.640
Nothing's folded. Everything thrown in.

1349
01:08:50.720 --> 01:08:55.320
The goalie jersey is still missing.
My dad's sports coat is there instead.

1350
01:08:56.960 --> 01:08:57.840
It was…

1351
01:08:58.400 --> 01:08:59.320
I swear.

1352
01:09:02.040 --> 01:09:05.440
It was the worst game ever.
The worst ever!

1353
01:09:05.520 --> 01:09:09.280
We won the game,
but do you know how it looked?

1354
01:09:09.360 --> 01:09:11.920
Our goalie was like this
with my dad's sports coat.

1355
01:09:14.360 --> 01:09:15.200
Ey!

1356
01:09:18.360 --> 01:09:20.520
Number ten was wearing a djellaba.

1357
01:09:22.000 --> 01:09:25.800
We won ten to zero
because they were scared of our goalie.

1358
01:09:25.880 --> 01:09:28.160
They thought it was an adult.

1359
01:09:28.240 --> 01:09:29.160
They were scared.

1360
01:09:29.720 --> 01:09:32.240
Hey, my name is Benaissa Lamroubal.

1361
01:09:36.400 --> 01:09:38.920
Ladies and gentlemen,

1362
01:09:39.000 --> 01:09:42.680
let's hear it for the RebellComedy
co-founder, Babak Ghassim!

1363
01:09:51.640 --> 01:09:52.680
What's up?

1364
01:10:06.520 --> 01:10:08.920
Welcome to the zoo

1365
01:10:10.320 --> 01:10:11.560
I know the enclosure

1366
01:10:11.640 --> 01:10:13.160
I know what you see

1367
01:10:13.720 --> 01:10:15.120
Sinti and Roma beg

1368
01:10:15.200 --> 01:10:16.400
Refugees bum money

1369
01:10:16.480 --> 01:10:18.400
Poles steal in the zoo

1370
01:10:18.480 --> 01:10:19.600
Chinese counterfeit

1371
01:10:19.680 --> 01:10:20.800
Arabs haggle

1372
01:10:20.880 --> 01:10:22.600
Blacks loud in the zoo

1373
01:10:22.680 --> 01:10:24.320
Wild in the Zoo

1374
01:10:24.400 --> 01:10:25.600
Gray in the zoo

1375
01:10:25.680 --> 01:10:29.120
Germans extremely precise in the zoo

1376
01:10:29.200 --> 01:10:30.600
Albanians stab

1377
01:10:30.680 --> 01:10:33.120
Turks, however, speak good German

1378
01:10:33.200 --> 01:10:35.360
Greeks lazy in the zoo

1379
01:10:35.440 --> 01:10:36.840
Rough the zoo

1380
01:10:36.920 --> 01:10:38.960
Headscarf, no problem

1381
01:10:39.040 --> 01:10:42.040
As long as
It's on the cleaning lady in the zoo

1382
01:10:42.920 --> 01:10:44.320
I know the zoo

1383
01:10:45.040 --> 01:10:46.840
Know magic in the zoo

1384
01:10:48.160 --> 01:10:50.480
Guiding culture, an individual case

1385
01:10:51.000 --> 01:10:52.880
Plural becomes singular in the zoo

1386
01:10:53.640 --> 01:10:55.800
Representative of your kind

1387
01:10:55.880 --> 01:10:57.720
Singular becomes plural in the zoo

1388
01:10:58.400 --> 01:11:01.080
Signs all over the zoo

1389
01:11:01.160 --> 01:11:03.200
Telling you who you are

1390
01:11:03.720 --> 01:11:05.640
Huge expectations

1391
01:11:05.720 --> 01:11:07.120
Short silence

1392
01:11:07.200 --> 01:11:08.400
If you break it

1393
01:11:10.200 --> 01:11:12.040
The burden to have to break it

1394
01:11:12.120 --> 01:11:13.440
To be observed

1395
01:11:13.520 --> 01:11:14.880
To observe yourself

1396
01:11:14.960 --> 01:11:17.360
To become your own zookeeper in the zoo

1397
01:11:17.440 --> 01:11:19.440
The trained desert person show

1398
01:11:19.520 --> 01:11:21.720
I know what you see in the zoo

1399
01:11:24.000 --> 01:11:25.120
I am

1400
01:11:25.680 --> 01:11:27.040
What you don't see

1401
01:11:27.560 --> 01:11:30.680
The ground you walk on in the zoo

1402
01:11:31.320 --> 01:11:34.600
I am earth, mud, stone

1403
01:11:34.680 --> 01:11:37.160
The dream people of the dead here

1404
01:11:37.680 --> 01:11:39.120
Guest worker

1405
01:11:39.200 --> 01:11:40.400
Outsider

1406
01:11:40.480 --> 01:11:41.480
Victim in me

1407
01:11:42.120 --> 01:11:44.280
Solingen, Halle, Hanau

1408
01:11:44.360 --> 01:11:46.320
Hülya, Jana, Hamza

1409
01:11:46.400 --> 01:11:49.920
Combined with Goethe, Bach, Adenauer here

1410
01:11:50.000 --> 01:11:51.720
All integrated

1411
01:11:52.560 --> 01:11:54.320
Truly integrated

1412
01:11:54.840 --> 01:11:57.400
Integrated without discussion

1413
01:11:57.480 --> 01:11:59.440
All integrated equally

1414
01:11:59.520 --> 01:12:02.920
Integrated by bacteria and fungi

1415
01:12:03.000 --> 01:12:05.240
Integrated in me and

1416
01:12:06.720 --> 01:12:08.760
Integrated me

1417
01:12:10.040 --> 01:12:12.000
My roots, their ancestors

1418
01:12:12.520 --> 01:12:14.680
My furrows, their scars

1419
01:12:14.760 --> 01:12:17.160
My voice, their languages

1420
01:12:17.240 --> 01:12:18.560
The language of the many

1421
01:12:18.640 --> 01:12:20.080
The voice of the streets

1422
01:12:20.600 --> 01:12:23.040
Being me means being them

1423
01:12:23.120 --> 01:12:26.000
70 years is too late to abort

1424
01:12:26.080 --> 01:12:27.200
The seed shoots

1425
01:12:27.280 --> 01:12:29.200
Look, they bloom in all colors

1426
01:12:29.280 --> 01:12:30.960
They play or fight

1427
01:12:31.040 --> 01:12:32.520
Or love each other

1428
01:12:32.600 --> 01:12:34.520
But everything that comes from me

1429
01:12:34.600 --> 01:12:36.200
Is diverse

1430
01:12:37.080 --> 01:12:39.960
I am German earth

1431
01:12:41.480 --> 01:12:43.000
And I lay beneath you

1432
01:12:44.960 --> 01:12:46.880
Your steps are muffled

1433
01:12:46.960 --> 01:12:48.280
Far away

1434
01:12:48.360 --> 01:12:50.200
As if from a different time

1435
01:12:50.880 --> 01:12:51.920
Don't forget

1436
01:12:52.440 --> 01:12:54.560
When you walk over me

1437
01:12:54.640 --> 01:12:56.120
With each step

1438
01:12:56.720 --> 01:12:59.240
You place a foot on my ground

1439
01:13:00.240 --> 01:13:01.400
And it holds firm

1440
01:13:25.640 --> 01:13:27.760
DJ Wati, ladies and gentlemen.

1441
01:13:30.800 --> 01:13:33.960
That's it. Thanks for coming out.
RebellComedy. Peace.