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[man] Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome
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Pete Lee!
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my God.
You, stop.
No, but stop.
Ah...
thank you.
Wow.
Oh, my God. What a beautiful crowd.
-Hello. Hi. How are ya? -[audience cheers]
Oh, my gosh. We're gonna party tonight, man.
Big Showtime taping, yeah. Wow!
Yeah, cocaine, right?
That was fun. This table laughed real hard.
These guys were quiet. Like, "[gasps]
He knows."
Look at my sweet, Wisconsin face.
I don't know about cocaine.
I have some cheese in my backpack.
Uh...
I actually--Don't be disappointed in me,
but I did cocaine one time. I just wanted to smell it.
[laughter]
Yeah, it smelled like energy...
and erectile dysfunction.
What a crazy drug, right?
You have the confidence to talk any woman into bed
and then you get there and you're like,
"Hey, do you wanna talk?
I'm a great listener." You know?
But I didn't know about cocaine
'cause I'm pretty wholesome. Like, all I knew
is what they told you in Health class.
Do you remember that day where they're like,
"One sniff of this stuff, next stop, Skid Row."
[laughter]
What they don't tell you is in between those two points
there's usually... years of fun.
[laughter]
And, sometimes, it never ends.
So, I thought I was gonna rob a liquor store.
That's what I thought... was gonna happen
the first time that I did cocaine.
I was like, "This is where I start
wearing leather jackets and snappin' my fingers
and...and dance fighting other men."
Right?
That's what I thought was gonna happen.
I had no idea that on cocaine I would just get
way more Wisconsin than I already am.
I was like, [sniffs]. Then I was like, "Geez Louise.
This stuff really kicks you in the keister."
My buddy's like, "What do you wanna do now, man?"
I was like, "Volunteer.
[laughter]
Let's build a nursing home tonight."
[laughter]
What the hell is up with the jawing
when you take cocaine? I didn't know--
I was just walking around going, "Ahh..."
If you were sick and penicillin made you go,
"Ahh..." You'd be like,
"I'm not takin' it."
I'm not good on substances in general.
I'm your friend that if I have, like, three or more alcohols
I'm like, "[slurring] You don't even love me.
[laughter]
You didn't even notice my new jacket."
All my friends are, like, alcoholic bullies.
They're like, "Drink it. Chug it. Slam it."
I'm like, "I can't. It's a daiquiri. It'll hurt."
I'm not a manly man.
I know I look like a quarterback,
but inside I am all cheerleader.
Like, if I was strangling one of you,
you'd be like, "Oh, your hands are so soft.
Oh...death tickles.
Thanks for exfoliating before my murder."
Are there any ladies out here doing a Girl's Night tonight?
-Gettin' crazy? Yeah. Whoo. -[woman cheers]
Yeah! Girl's Night!
We're not going home until somebody cries
It's a Girl's Night
[sizzles]
[laughter]
Yeah, I made it shimmer.
A lot of macho guys get pissed
when their girlfriends have Girl's Nights and me, too,
'cause I'm invited.
My girlfriend's always like, "It's just us girls
and you can come, Pete." [chuckles]
And then I get way too drunk...
and I cry and we go home.
[laughter]
Yeah, I have a girlfriend who's real
and, uh...
[laughter]
I know, shocker, right?
Yeah, I, uh--I have a girlfriend that's real.
It's so funny. When we first met each other
she was like, "Ugh." She's like, "I'm so happy
that I finally met a sensitive guy." Right?
But now--now that it's, like, three years later,
she's like, "Dang it! Who used all my body wash?"
And I'm like, "Guilty." Right?
Right? 'Cause here's my thing. Why would you ever use
bar soap when there's a product in our shower called
Enchanted Peppermint Kisses?
You're dang right I want some enchanted peppermint kisses.
I wanna smell like a unicorn that farts Altoids.
But she got so mad at me 'cause I don't know
how to use body wash technology. I didn't know you put
a tiny, little drop in the poofy thing
and then you suds it all up and you do your whole body
with a tiny little drop.
I had no idea. I was like, [squishes] "Arm.
[squishes] Other arm.
[squishes] Leg. [squishes] Other leg.
[squishes] This area.
[squishes] Repeat."
I used a half a bottle.
This stuff costs $38 a bottle.
That's nu-- That was a $19 shower.
[laughter]
This body is not worth that.
She got so mad at me. She goes,
"Dude, if you don't stop using all my
Enchanted Peppermint Kisses body wash,
I'm gonna tell your best friend."
And I was like, "Well, why would you say that to my cat?"
By the way, my cat licks himself clean.
That's a-- That's a way weirder shower.
Sidebar, have you guys ever made eye contact
with a cat while it's licking itself clean?
The cat's just like, "Uh, uh..."
[laughter]
You're like, "I feel dirty."
So my girlfriend, she goes and tells
my second best friend, Ryan...
[audience chuckling]
and Ryan confronts me. He goes, "Dude, if I ever
saw you using Enchanted Peppermint Kisses body wash,
I would take away your man card."
And I was like, "Dude, in that scenario,
you are the one watching me shower."
[laughter]
Which is weirder? Me using a delicious body wash
or him lurking in my bathroom...
waiting for the aroma to plume over the shower curtain...
going, "Hey, bro, is that some Enchanted Peppermint Kisses?
Sniff sniff.
I'm gonna take away your man card."
Cachink. Cachink. Cachink.
[laughter]
"Hand it over."
I'm trying to be more rugged. I, uh...
[laughter]
All right, that laughter was hurtful.
[laughter]
I wore a bomber jacket for you guys tonight.
Yeah, this is my manliest top.
Yeah, I call it a top.
Yeah, but I don't know if you guys can tell
by the shiny zipper, it's Lululemon.
I look like a dance mom.
I look like the dance mom that's like, "I sewed
the entire team's jackets and then I made one my size."
I'm so Mid-Western I should have, like,
a stomach tattoo of a Crock Pot...
with pot holders that say, "Live, laugh, love."
[laughter]
I've been trying to be more manly
and this is my personality,
so I can't change that.
So I was like, "Maybe if I don't speak
I'll be manly." Right? Right?
"And I just grow out stubble." So, I grew out this stubble.
And now I've been looking at people.
But I have this haircut. So, I just look like
if the Property Brothers had another brother...
[laughter]
who's not a twin, you know?
That's kind of my general coolness vibe in life.
Have you ever seen a family that has two special twins
and then they have their other kid.
Like, "This is Larry and Terry. I'm Gary.
Hi."
Yeah.
Ugh.
I hope I haven't offended anybody tonight.
Uh, that's my nightmare, you know?
I--Ugh, I hate conflict.
Unless you guys like it, then I love it.
[laughter]
I like whatever you guys like, you know?
Look at this sweet face. I'm tall, dark, and pleasant.
I never wanna offend anybody. Like, the other day,
this guy sneezed. I wanted to say, "Bless you."
But instead I was like, "Happy holidays."
[laughter]
I was like, "Feliz Navidad." I don't know what to say.
It just feels so good to be with people again.
You guys feel that way?
-[cheers and applause] -Yeah.
Ah, yeah.
I've been so lonely lately. The other day
my Bluetooth speaker was like, "Ready to connect."
And I was like, "Ah, me, too!
I wanna connect so bad."
I wanna connect with people that don't even want
to connect with me. Like, I just moved
into the first house I've ever lived in
and my next-door-neighbor's this burly, biker dude.
So, I went to go meet him, right?
Why wouldn't you want to meet me, right?
[laughter]
Yeah.
So, I go to meet my neighbor and he goes,
"What's up? My name is Chainsaw Mike."
And I didn't want Chainsaw Mike to think that I didn't
also have a scary nickname,
so I was like, "What's going on?
My name is Indoor Dining Pete."
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm dangerous.
I touch door handles and everything.
[audience whoos]
I touch door handles, but I touch 'em way up here now.
That's what I do. There's less--
There's less germs at altitude.
Right? I Michelle Obama the door handle, right?
Other people go low, I go high.
That's what I do. But now when I walk
into a building I just look like a stripper
who's starting her dance.
Like, I don't just enter. I create an experience.
[woman] Whoo! Ow!
And then, you know, before I leave, I wipe it down.
Uh...
Tss tss. Oh, yeah.
[audience whoos]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You know what my pet peeve is now?
Is when motion sensor sinks don't recognize my existence.
Isn't that the worst? I'm just standing there
waving my dumb hand like, "How pale am I?"
This thing's looking at my hand like,
"Nah, that's just more sink."
It's just judging my bone-white ivory hand.
I'm standing there waving my dumb hand.
It's giving me no water. A motion sensor hand foam
is like, [squeaking].
"I'm here for you, buddy." [squeaks]
I'm like, "Ugh!" Paper towels are like, [hums].
[laughter]
So what do you do? You try different hand motions.
Right, you're like, "I'm gonna go really slow.
Then I'm gonna go really fast."
Then you end up doing, like, an interpretive hand dance.
[laughter]
Like a weird Cirque du Soleil.
But then what do you do? You're like,
"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna finesse it.
Like, a little bit."
[laughter]
Yeah, and then it rewards you. It's like, squirt.
You're like, "Ohh...
so, that's what gets you going.
All right.
You just wanted me to be a gentleman about it."
[squeaks] "I was watching."
"Me, too." [hums]
Why do motion sensor sinks work, like, four percent of the time?
But if you're sitting down on a motion sensor toilet...
and even one flake of lint
floats into that stall...
you're like, "Oh, no!"
Motion sensor toilet's like, "Gotcha!"
[imitates toilet flushing violently]
It's shooting Niagara Falls temperature mist
into your butt crack skin.
It feels like 1,000 dog noses are nuzzling your butt cheeks.
Has that ever happened to you guys?
[laughter]
Well, it's terrifying, right?
'Cause, like, that noise is, like, six inches below
your most tender bits.
It sounds like a jet engine with suction.
Just, [whooshes].
I'm so afraid it's gonna be like, [thuds].
[laughter]
Just suck my junk off.
All right, I realize now that was a poor word choice.
Yeah, I grew up in Wisconsin, yeah?
-Oh, whoo. Yeah. All right. -[cheers and applause]
Yeah. Are there people here from Wisconsin?
-[cheers] -Yeah, you're from Wisconsin.
Do you know Dave?
He looked at me like, "I am Dave.
It's been a while."
I love Wisconsin. Ugh, yeah, I'm from Wisconsin.
That's why everything I say sounds like,
[thick accent] "Oh, my gosh. Crepes.
Tater tots."
[normal voice] Everyone in Wisconsin talks like this
and when you confront them with the accent,
they're like, "Oh, no, we don't talk like that. No.
No, we talk like they do on the news."
And I'm like, [thick accent] "No, you don't."
[normal voice] You've never turned on nightly national news
and heard them be like, [thick accent] "Oh, my God!
[laughter]
We're out here in Washington D.C.
and let me tell you, guys, it is a ruckus.
[laughter]
[normal voice] We talk like idiots.
I used to live in New York City.
I don't know if you can tell that by how dangerous I am.
But when I first moved there I auditioned to play
a Brooklyn police officer on the TV show
Law & Order: SVU.
-[cheers and applause] -Yeah, whoo, yeah.
Women love Law & Order: SVU.
Do you guys know what the premise is of the show
Law & Order: SVU?
It's crimes only against women.
And when you say, Law & Order: SVU,
women are like, "Whoo!"
[laughter]
My girlfriend loves that show. She'll be like,
"Why do I have nightmares every night?"
I'm like, "Do you think it's your ladies murder show...
that you watch before you close your peepers?
Do you think..."
"Oh, no, it must be the olives on the pizza."
I auditioned to play a Brooklyn police officer
having no idea that I did not have a Brooklyn accent
flowing out of my face.
I walked into that audition. I was like,
[Wisconsin accent] "Freeze, criminals."
[laughter]
The director was like, "No.
You're gonna play the victim."
All right, 'cause look at this wholesome face.
I do not have the face of a hardened criminal.
I have a face like, "Oh, so that's who drinks
almond milk."
Look at me. I look like I stay in shape
by only flying kites.
Like, "Dude, you're getting jacked."
"Yeah, it's been gusty."
I scare people with my friendliness.
It's weird and I know it.
And I wish that I could stop it, but I can't.
I walk down the street, I say hi to everyone.
I'm like, "Hi!" People are like, "No.
Don't do that. You're scaring my kid,
all right?"
I think that's why I don't have any children.
I think even my swimmers are too nice.
I think they swim right over to the egg
and they're like, "I don't wanna be a bother.
[laughter]
I'm just gonna hang out over here in the friend zone.
If you wanna make a baby, ram into me.
Sorry."
It's hard to be tough with my name
'cause my name is Peter. Hm, Peter.
That's not hard core.
Nobody's ever been like, "Hey, whose Harley is that?"
"It's Peter's."
I asked my dad. I was like, "Why did you
name me Peter?" And he goes, "'Cause I thought
it was the strongest sounding name in the Bible."
And I was like, "Uh...no, you could've named me Satan."
[man whoos]
Pretty sure nobody would call me Satan, Satan Pumpkin Eater.
And even if they did, I'd be like, "Ahh!"
You know?
Crazy.
My dad was like, "No, Peter is a tough name
because it comes from the Latin word that means rock.
So, your name means rock."
And I was like, "I'm pretty sure that's a lie...
'cause otherwise he would've called himself
Dwayne The Peter Johnson."
[laughter]
"Can you smell what the Peter is cookin'?
You don't wanna get smacked around by the Peter."
[laughter]
I don't like my full name. My name is Peter Lee.
[audience snickers]
-My name's-- -[laughter]
It's not a good name. [chuckles]
If you're in a dark alley, "Who goes there?"
"Peter Lee."
You'd be like, "I'm getting a wallet."
My name sounds like a word from a cheesy romance novel.
Like, "She peterly sauntered towards the window.
He pressed into her. His chest heaved peterly."
My name sounds like an old Irish woman feelin' sorry for ya.
Like, [Irish accent] "Oh, you poor thing.
You look all peterly.
[laughter]
Oh, here. Have a beer and a blanket,
you peterly bastard.
Oh, put your head on my 'teet'...
peet."
I just wanna be more dangerous, you know?
I wanna be hard and soft like VELCRO.
I want my nickname to be [clears throat].
[laughter]
I just want women to think that I'm dangerous
in a sexy way, but I never wanna make
a woman feel in danger. Does that make any sense?
[woman cheers]
-Yeah. Yeah. -[cheers and applause]
Like, the other night I was leaving a bar
and, uh, there was this real cute girl
left in front of me. She was all tipsy.
She was on her apps, you know?
So I was like, "All right, Pete, hang back.
Don't make her feel in danger."
And she's super slow. And then she turns left.
I was like, "Ah, man. I gotta turn left there."
Then she turns right. And I was like,
"That's where I was going!"
So, finally I just yelled after her.
I go, "You are not in danger, ma'am."
[laughter]
I was so insulted. She turned around and she goes,
"I know."
Wow.
I was like, "Well, now I don't feel emotionally safe...
and could you walk me home?"
And she took me as far as she was going.
So, that was good.
I got mistaken for being a really bad guy the other day.
I was in one of those, like, college campus,
like, safe space coffee shops.
Like, you know the ones that I'm talking about, right?
Where you're like, [sneezes] and they're like, "Triggered."
[laughter]
I burned my mouth on my coffee
and this gal, she thought that that would be a really good
teachable moment for me.
I was in pain. I go, "Oh!"
She goes, "Excuse me, but that is toxic masculinity."
I was like, "Oh, I'm me. I'll take any masculinity."
Yeah.
I was like, "Thank you so much."
Will you say that again while we FaceTime my dad?
But then she wanted to argue with me
and I hate conflict. So I just told--
I just spoke her language to her.
I go, "Sorry, I can't fight with you 'cause I'm doing
a 'conflict cleanse'."
And she's like, "What did you say?"
And I was like, "Mindfulness."
[silent]
I think I'm, like, the furthest thing in the world
from a toxic man.
Like, I look like if CBD oil had a mascot.
Like, "You're just a few drops away from a smile."
[laughter]
You know what I'm like? Have you guys ever been
sitting on your toilet and your bathroom door is shut
and you're like, "Ah, I am all alone"?
And then all of a sudden your cat's paw
slips under the door?
And he's like, "Alone no more, mi amigo.
I wanna be in there with you so bad!"
That's like me, but with friendship.
I just wish I was different. I mean, look around this room.
No woman in here is looking at me like,
"Ah, man, I bet Pete would ravage me all night."
[laughter]
There are women in here looking at me like,
"I bet Pete has good penmanship."
And I do.
I don't have a hardcore vibe. I'll tell you the vibe
that I do have. Like, if I sat down next to you
on an airplane, you'd be like, "Ugh...
this guy's gonna wanna talk."
And I do.
I wanna talk so bad.
Like I choose the middle seat on purpose
just so I have more options.
I'm like, "Yeah, shoulders in.
It's a snuggle storm."
[laughter]
Here's a little life tip. If you're ever on an airplane
and you're in that middle seat and you make direct eye contact
with your seatmates and then you wiggle...
you'll get your own row.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
That's actually the best way to avoid conflict
in life, right?
All my friends are studying Jiu-jitsu, MMA kickboxing.
I'm like, "You don't gotta do all that,
just make eye contact and wiggle."
No one will fight you.
I was in a bar the other night.
I accidentally spilled this man's beer.
He goes, "Hey! You wanna take this outside?"
I was like, "Be right there."
I got outside. I was like, "Where is he?
Oh, stranger
Hidey ho
You wanna wiggle together?
I got my white belt in wiggles."
The funny thing about that is that I actually--
I have a black belt in Taekwondo,
but I got it when I was 13 years old
and then I quit.
So do you know what that means?
That means I could destroy anyone in here physically.
I could crush you...
as long as you're 13 or under.
[laughter]
I've only fought children.
Sometimes I get nostalgic. I'll be in a Dairy Queen.
I see a little kid in his karate gi.
I'm like, "God, I wanna kick his ass!
[laughter]
Put me in, coach!"
I stare him down. I'm like, "I'll hit you so hard
your shoes will light up."
But women always say they want a bad boy,
but my whole thing is, "No, you don't."
You don't.
Which would you rather have? A guy that's like,
"Oh, my God, your rack looks great in that dress."
Or would you rather have me that's like,
"Oh, my God, that dress has pockets!"
[women cheering]
Women love dresses with pockets.
[women agreeing]
If you're in love with a woman and you wanna blow her mind,
go steal her favorite dress out of her closet,
take it to a tailor, have him install pockets.
Take her out on her dream date.
In the middle of the date be like, "Hey, babe,
could you hold my ChapStick in your pocket?"
She'll be like, "What? I don't have any--
[gasps, exclaiming] Oh, my God, there's pockets!
Pockets!"
I would've put my ChapStick in this pocket,
but my pants are too tight.
[laughter]
These are not sittin' jeans.
[chuckles]
I tried to sit down earlier. It was like a trust fall.
I was like, "Oh, boy."
[laughter]
I love women. I used to live in one.
I'm not bitter that I got evicted.
Uh...
Well, it's funny 'cause I grew up with a mom
who was really embedded in the Feminist Movement.
And that's great, but, like,
it was a little bit confusing as a ten-year-old boy
'cause I'd be at these, like, marches and picnics
and these women would be like, "Men are bad!"
And I'd be like, "I am becoming one.
Crap! [chuckles]
Well, I guess I'll half-ass it."
And here you have it.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I'm what happens when you tell a little boy
never to become a man and then you give him
zero further instructions.
But one thing I can't stand is when people say
that women are weak. Women are not weak.
You could birth the people. Yeah.
You are so strong.
You would never pretend like any other animal
was weak just because it was the female of that animal.
You'd never be standing on the beach going,
"Oh, my God, I can't believe that Larry just got eaten
by a girl shark.
Girl sharks be crazy.
Yeah, they're emotional eaters."
She's like, "Ugh, why did I eat all of Larry?
Bridget, why didn't you split Larry with me?
Now I feel like a sea cow."
[laughter]
I just love the idea of a shark named Bridget
swimming around the ocean
with an overbite being like,
"Oh, you did it again, Bridget.
Oh, classic Bridget."
I think that women are the source of love in the world.
-[women cheer] -Yeah, I do.
Yeah. I think women are like trees.
You know how trees take all the bad air
out of the environment and then they do science stuff
and then they're like-- I don't know.
I don't understand it.
They take all the bad air out of the environment.
They do science stuff and then they're like,
"I give you good air."
I think the whole world just shovels crap
and pain at women and women just em--
they just-- they do science stuff...
and then they're like, "I give you love."
-[cheers and applause] -Yeah.
But that being said...
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I think there's only so much crap and pain
that you can have shoveled at you in a lifetime.
That's why if a woman ever just sees a man
sitting in tranquility she's like,
"I can change that.
Wait, he's just sitting there happy?
Not on my watch."
[man whoos]
[cheers and applause]
Hello, sir, I see your love and I give you
crap and pain.
Yeah.
I think women are smarter than men.
And I'm not pandering. I really think that.
-I think you-- -[woman whoos]
Yeah, I think your brains are amazing.
And I have friends that they're in denial of that.
They're like, "No, I'm smarter than my wife.
I win arguments against her all the time."
I'm like, "You half live in your garage."
Men, we need to level with ourselves.
Our brains are not superior. Like, we do--
We cannot win an argument with a woman.
Our brains cannot remember every single word
that they've ever said in chronological order...
with instant recall.
The other day I had a disagreement with my girlfriend.
I go, "Oh, yeah? When did I say that?"
She was like, "October 3rd...
7:27 p.m."
I was waiting for her to slide a piece of paper
across the table and be like, "That's your statement.
Do you want to read it back to me?
It's notarized and everything."
I've decided that I am never gonna argue
with my girlfriend again. I'm not gonna do it.
Yeah.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna hire a woman to argue for me.
[laughter]
The next time my girlfriend's like, "We need to talk."
I'm gonna be like, "Lisa, you need to get over here.
Oh, no, what's that, Lisa? You haven't eaten yet today?
Perfect.
[laughter]
Check mate."
I hate getting into arguments with my girlfriend
'cause I love her and it feels terrible
to be at odds with someone that I love that much.
But I'll tell you this,
if I overhear another couple
having a knock-down, drag-out argument,
I will hover until it's done.
I got into an airplane the other day
and, uh, I got the first class upgrade--
brag...
and this lady sitting next to me,
she had her cell phone and then she had
her airline ticket. And, so, I looked over
and I peeked at her name and I was like--
in my head I was like, "Hello, Linda."
[laughter]
Two seconds later her phone rings.
She picks it up and she goes, [sternly] "What, Bob?"
I looked her right in the eyes, I clicked my seatbelt,
I was like, click clink. "I'm in.
[laughter]
Couldn't leave if I wanted to, Linda."
Linda and Bob got into the biggest fight
that I've ever heard in my life.
Do you guys wanna know what they had a fight about?
[audience] Yeah!
-[cheers and applause] -Okay.
They got into the biggest fight
because Bob was being the same Bob
that Bob has always been.
[laughter]
[man cheers]
She made an itemized list of every single thing
that he has ever done wrong.
Even I was like, "Dang it, Bob!
Can't you be Robert for a second?
[laughter]
Why you always gotta be Bob, Bob?"
Before she hung up the phone she goes,
"See you at baggage claim, Bob."
Yeah, guess who went to baggage claim?
I went to baggage claim even though I only had
carry-on luggage.
I was just standing there lurking.
This is how I lurk.
I lurk the same way Ellen dances.
Yeah.
Same jacket.
And I see Bob.
And Bob was exactly the man that I thought he was gonna be.
He was between, like, 60 and 65 years old,
silver push-broom mustache.
Like I could've broken a glass. He'd be like,
"I'll get it."
He just had the sweetest look on his face.
Like, "I love two things, taking Linda's crap,
being Bob."
[laughter]
Linda was all terse with him.
She goes, [sternly] "Get my bags, Bob."
He's like, "I'm getting your bags."
And then before he could get the handle up,
she started doing that thing where women walk ahead of you.
You know that thing that they do?
Where they're like, "Hm, try to catch up."
He's like, "I've been following you for 30 years, Linda."
I'm right behind him lurking.
But then Linda goes out the front automatic doors.
Like, [swooshes], right? Lind's gone.
Then Bob starts to walk out the doors.
Stops in the middle of the doorway.
Yeah, it's bag, Bob, bag.
I almost run into him. I go, "Bob!"
Keep in mind he has no idea how I know his name.
Or that I have been obsessed with him for half a day.
He turned to me. He goes, "Excuse me,
but you have a--do you have a problem here, sir?"
And I go, "Oh, yeah, I have a problem.
You're being the same Bob that you've always been."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
And then Bob and I talked for another ten minutes...
and we became Facebook friends...
and now any time I have a problem with my girlfriend
I'm like, "Bob, what do I do?"
And he says the same thing every time.
He just types out, "Shh."
[laughter]
Yeah.
'Cause that's always the right thing to do.
If a woman is mad at you, you can't say the wrong thing
if you say nothing.
She'll be like, "Why aren't you saying anything?"
Well, there's this whole idea going around the Internet
that--it's just-- it's very popular,
but I don't think it's true. Everybody's like,
"All men are the worst."
And I'm like, "No, you mean Dave."
Right? Men, we're not sitting in the locker room
being all like, "Ugh, I was with Katie last night.
[gags]."
That's not what we're doing. We're sitting there.
We're showing each other our phones going,
"What does she mean?"
I just wanna do the right thing, but I don't know.
Women are like, "Men are dogs."
I'm like, "Yeah, Golden Retrievers."
[laughter]
We are! That's why we're like,
"She's smiling. I'll sit next to her.
She's frowning. Going in the other room.
Checking in. Still frowning.
Staying."
But that's insane to your brain, right?
You walk in the other room, you're like,
"Why are you just sitting in the other room alone
when we could be finally spending time together?"
And your man is like, "I'm just being happy
while you're not.
I know that's the wrong thing to do."
[man] Yeah.
There's this age-old question
that men say to each other 'cause we love you.
We literally go, "What do women want?
'Cause I just wanna do it."
And I'll tell you. I'm, like, the biggest
people pleaser on the planet, so I have cracked the code.
So, men, listen up.
Here's what women want.
Women want you to do things for them or with them
that you do not want to do at all.
[laughter]
But they want you to act like you love it.
It works 100% of the time.
-Yeah. -[cheers and applause]
So, the next time the woman that you love
is like, "Babe, will you go to my all-girl's brunch
that's gonna last three hours and 48 minutes?"
Just look her right in the eyes and be like,
"N...I'd love to.
My favorite thing is thinking things and not saying 'em."
When her friend Tricia's like, "How am I still single?"
Be like, "N... I don't know, Tricia.
That's one of the great mysteries of the universe."
[laughter]
My girlfriend loves going to the grocery store.
I hate going to the grocery store.
-[woman cheers] -You love it.
Yeah.
My girlfriend loves going to the grocery store.
We'll go to, like, five different grocery stores
because she likes different things
at different grocery stores.
-[woman cheers] -She loves it.
Yeah, I don't like doing that.
I don't like touching the sticky cart.
I don't like loading it in the car.
I don't like putting it in my fridge.
And then a week-and-a-half later I don't like
throwing it all away 'cause I haven't eaten any of it.
I hate it. I'd rather order food every day.
So, the other morning I wanted to be sweet to my girlfriend
so I woke up and I go, "Babe, do you know
what I wanna do today?" And she's like, "What?"
And I go, "I wanna take you to the grocery store...
and I want to take you to five of them."
And when I say that she got excited
about what I said, I'm talking--
Have you ever seen one of those videos on social media
of a soldier's dog seeing that soldier come home
from war? That's how excited she got.
She was like, "Ah, we're going to the grocery store!
Oh, my God! We're going to five of 'em!
Ahh! I'm peeing and I don't care!"
She was so excited. We get to the grocery store.
She's showing me stuff I already know about.
She's like, "Baby carrots. Aah!
Broccolini. [high-pitch squeak]
We got home. We had the best sex of my life.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I said "my life" 'cause I can't speak for her.
I'm pretty sure she's had better.
I'm just being realistic.
So, I call my brother who's been married
for a long time.
And he has a very healthy marriage,
but I was like, "Dude, do you wanna have sex
with your wife tonight?" And he's like, "Oh, yeah.
That's my favorite thing in the world."
I go, "Then take her to the grocery store."
He goes, "Oh, young grasshopper, you have so much to learn."
He goes, "She does not love it when you take her
to the grocery store.
She's training you to go to the grocery store
without her."
[cheers and applause]
That's why she was showing you things to get.
She was like, "Baby carrots.
Broccolinis.
You're gonna be my servant soon."
Have you guys ever smoked the marijuana?
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
Look at me when I say that.
I look like that teacher that's like,
"I'm not just your teacher...
I'm your friend."
I never, uh--I never really smoked marijuana growing up
'cause my grandma owned a bong shop.
I know, classic grandma. Uh...
[laughter]
My grandma owned a bong shop in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
and my grandpa was a war veteran
and, so, he was like, "This bitch is gonna get us arrested."
So with every bong he taped a baggie of tobacco
and then put a label maker label that said
"The Tobacco Water Bong" so when the Federal Government
came and raided my grandma's shop
and they took her to court and then the court above that
and regular court...all the way to the Supreme Court--
You can--This is true.
You can read a High Times article about it.
[laughter]
My grandma won and my grandma is one of the reasons
why bongs are legal.
-[cheers and applause] -Yeah. So...yeah.
So, my grandma is like the Abraham Lincoln
of bong rips.
[laughter]
But that's why when I was a little kid,
like, my friend's would be like, "Dude, you wanna rip this bong?"
I'd be like, "I don't wanna smell like grandma."
I thought smoking weed was old lady stuff.
I'm like, "Yeah, let's wear a diaper when we drive."
But, so, I'm, like, such a lightweight
when it comes to marijuanas.
[laughter]
I even call it marijuanas.
I moved to California and I get anxiety when I fly,
so my friend, Ari, he was like, "Hey,
eat this gummy bear and then you're gonna go on the airplane.
You're gonna take a nap. You're not gonna feel anxiety."
So I got through airport security
and I ate the gummy bear and then I texted him.
I go, "Dude, I just ate the gummy bear.
I can't wait to get, High .
[laughter]
He texted me back immediately. "You ate the whole thing?"
[audience groans]
I was like, "Yeah, I ate the whole thing
'cause that was the quantity that you gave me."
What kind of psychopath only eats half a gummy bear?
Have you ever had a friend be like, "Bro, you wanna go
halvsies on this gummy bear with me?
Let's Lady and the Tramp it and meet in the middle.
Just...
I wrote, "Why was that bad?
Why is it bad that I ate the entire gummy bear?"
And he goes, "That's a 50mg edible."
[audience gasps, oohs]
Yeah, well, I wish that you were there
to help me at the time.
I had no reference point.
I was like, "My Advil Liqui-Gels are 200 mg...
and sometimes I eat three of those bad boys."
I wrote, "How high am I gonna get?"
He wrote--all caps, "THE MOST."
[laughter]
I wrote, "When? When am I gonna feel high the most?"
He wrote, "About an hour."
Seven minutes later...
[laughter]
I was like, "Ahhh...
ha...
I can feel the atmospheric pressure on my skin."
I was so high. I'm still--
I haven't even gotten on the plane.
I'm at the gate.
I'm right in front of the ticket counter
and there's that flat-screen TV that says,
"Your flight is boarding in five minutes."
I'm just standing there going, "Come on, four.
Come on, four!"
And you know that judgy ticket deeper lady?
I don't know what her title is, but you know the one
that, like, deeps your ticket when you get on the plane?
She's like, [deep] and then she gives you a bad look?
Like, [deep] "I agree with your parents."
[deep] "I know what you did last summer."
She goes, "Sir, you can't stand there."
I was like, "Where can I stand?"
She's like, "Over there." I was like, "Okay."
Then she makes that pre boarding announcement.
She's like, "If there's any families with small children,
military, war heroes, active duty military,
elderly, line up now." I just line up with them.
She was like, "Sir, you can't be in that line."
I was like, "I am 97 years old!"
I got up to the front of the line.
She deeps my ticket and she goes, "Don't worry,
I'm super high, too."
[cheers and applause]
I get on the airplane.
I'm sitting in the emergency exit row.
Not qualified whatsoever
to assist in the event of an emergency.
They're doing that video. They're like,
"In the event of a water landing, use the slide."
I was like, "There's a slide?!
Let's do the slide right now!"
Like, I was so high I was making noises
'cause it felt cool.
Most people are cool when they get high.
They're like, "Aw." I was like, "Ca ca ca ca ca.
Ca ca ca ca ca ca."
That aggressive flight attendant comes over to me.
She goes, "I need to know if you're willing and able
to assist in the event of an emergency."
I wanted to say yes. I go, "Ca ca ca ca."
[laughter]
She goes, "I need a verbal yes or a no."
Every fiber I tried. Here's what I did.
I go, "Haa!"
She's like, "You nodded your head.
I'll take it."
I turn and I look and I'm sitting next
to the oldest woman I've seen in my life.
Like, I'm not trying to be crude, but when I was high,
I turned--She was between the age of, like,
89 and 147.
I looked at her with my current state of mind
and I was like, "Is she flying to her own funeral?"
[audience laughs, awws]
Like, she must be on this plane like, "Oh, my God I'm flying!
In my life that was not a thing."
She was just sitting there knitting a sweater.
Looking at me like, "I've seen a lot of things
in my life...
but I have never seen one of those."
'Cause when I get high, I get more Wisconsin.
I was cupping my face going, "Don't look at that sweater.
Would you want somebody looking at your sw--
work before you're done? No, you wouldn't.
That is rude business, mister.
Ca ca ca ca."
Half an hour later I realized she was just trying
to untangle her headphones.
[laughter]
So, don't do drugs, kids.
[laughter]
-[cheers and applause] -Ah, thank you.
Oh, let's talk about sex before we go.
-Have you guys ever--Yeah. -[woman cheers]
Oh, yeah, she's done it. Oh, yeah.
[laughter]
I know it's weird for me to talk about sex, you know?
But, oh, no, I smash.
I'm all about respecting women and smashing.
[woman cheers]
Sometimes I'm in bed with my girlfriend I'm like,
"Yeah, do you like that? Kay, just checking."
[laughter]
I'm like, "I'm gonna get you pregnant
and then, you know, just, like, be there for you."
When my girlfriend and I first got together,
she was like, "What are you into?
Like, in the bedroom?" And I was like, "Consent!"
Oh.
I have a huge consent fetish.
I love consent so much I don't even use those
credit card chip readers until it tells me that I can.
Have you ever tried to put your card in too early?
It's like, "Quack quack quack."
I'm like, "Whoa, I'm not a bad guy, all right?
I respect you."
But every single time I'm just standing there all hesitant.
The cashier's like, "What are you doing?"
I'm like, "I'm waiting for you to tell me I can put it in."
Every single time the cashier's like, "Ugh, let me do it."
[laughter]
I'm like, "I could've done it.
I know where it goes."
I do.
But if you think about it, sex is, like, the weirdest
activity we do as human beings, right?
'Cause it's the only activity we do where
we're making something and at the same time,
we're trying super hard not to make.
That's insane behavior. That's like mixing up a bunch
of flour and sugar and milk and eggs up in a pan
and then putting it in the oven and then 45 minutes later
being like, "Oh, thank God there's not a cake.
[breathes heavily]
[cheers and applause]
I-I don't know what we would've done
if there was a cake in there.
That cake would've changed everything."
If there was a cake in there, you'd be like,
"That's not my cake.
[laughter]
Cake doesn't even look like me.
That looks like it's Steve's cake."
I, uh, I go on tour a lot.
You know, 'cause I'm-- I'm hilarious.
And I'm faithful to my girlfriend
when I go on the road. So she sent me
an adult Internet video the other day.
-[woman whoos] -Yeah, whoa.
Yeah, I don't know if you guys have ever seen
an adult Internet video,
but if you have never seen an adult Internet video,
let me tell you, wow, wow, wow.
[laughter]
Holy cow wow.
I watched this entire movie all the way from start to finish
'cause I wanted to see if this couple
had the baby...
[laughter]
'cause they were just trying and trying and trying.
All they wanted in the world was a family.
They were doing everything they could.
They were trying out by the pool.
They were trying in the living room.
At one point they even brought the neighbor over
just to help out.
And I'm not trying to ruin the ending
in case you guys are gonna watch this film,
but, holy cow, they are gonna have to adopt.
[chuckles]
'Cause this guy did the most important part
way wrong.
I was like, "No! Not like that.
You're never gonna be a dad.
Babies don't come from foreheads.
[audience laughs, groans]
[cheers and applause]
And that's the neighbor's forehead."
[laughter]
All right, you guys, I'm Pete Lee.
Thanks for being a great crowd. Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause continues]
[man] Yippee!
[microphone droans]
[bright tone]