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[theme music plays]
[grunts]
Ugh!
I guess I should go do my show now.
[groans]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Nicole Byer!
[audience applauds and cheers]
Hi.
Oh, thank you so much for coming out.
What a treat, what a dream!
[audience cheers]
I am so excited to be doing this here
in New York City!
[audience cheers and applauds]
It's the city where I started doing comedy.
It is the city where I dropped a piece of pizza
cheese side down…
and then ate it!
[giggles]
It's also the city where I fucked a cab driver…
[giggles]
…and was fingered by another.
[audience cheers]
All right.
I know everyone's tired of talking about
Corona and the pandemie, but we're going to talk about it
'cause I took a year out of my fucking life, okay?
[audience cheers]
I think dads had it really hard
during the pandemie.
I call it "the pandemie", keep it light, keep it fresh.
[audience laughs]
But yeah, dads had it really hard in 2020,
because it's tough to be absentee when you can't go nowhere.
[audience laughs]
There's a dad here who that hit right in the heart.
[audience laughs]
Also, I think they went about masks the wrong way.
They were like, "Wear a mask. Save somebody else now."
No, we are very selfish people.
They should have been like,
"If you think you're pretty, you'll wear a mask!"
[audience laughs]
"Only cute people wear masks!
If you're a cutie with a booty, you'll wear a mask!"
[audience laughs]
Because the ugliest motherfuckers
didn't want to wear the mask.
[audience laughs and applauds]
No.
They were like, "What about my civil liberties?"
I'm just like, "Ugh, your face is a civil disobedience, okay?"
[audience laughs]
So something I did during the pandemie is
I went to a drive-by funeral for a cat.
[audience laughs]
There is no joke there.
[audience laughs]
It's just an activity that I did.
So my friend Marcy's little black cat, Bo, tragically passed away.
So a friend of ours emailed our friend group and said,
"Hey, let's drive by her house and scream."
[audience laughs]
So that's what we did.
We drove past her house at five miles an hour being like,
"I am sorry!"
And she was crying and I was like,
"Are you sad or embarrassed?"
[audience laughs]
But you can't ask nobody that.
So later we're recording our podcast,
it's about 90 Day Fiancé.
[audience cheers]
Oh, okay. Six people know.
All right, everybody else out there, get the fuck up into it, okay?
It is the wildest fucking show on television.
So we're recording our podcast, it's called 90 Day Bae,
it's on Patreon, it's five dollars.
And we're on Zoom.
Does everyone here know what Zoom is?
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs louder]
Is everyone on Zoom?
Do we know what Zoom is?
What the fuck is Zoom?
The definition of "zoom" is to move fast. To where, my living room?
So…
we're on Zoom talking about these lunatics and…
all of a sudden this little black cat jumps behind her.
And I was like…
"Oh no.
Oh no, I'm going to have to tell my friend
that when she turns around
the ghost of her dead cat…
is behind her having a nice time.
I'm going to have to tell my friend
that there's a haunting in her home."
And I started crying, actual tears.
And Marcy was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I said, "Marcy,
when you turn around,
the ghost of your dead cat is there."
And Marcy said, "Nicole,
I got a new cat."
[audience laughs]
You got to tell a bitch that, okay?
I told that story to my therapist
and she laughed at me.
[audience laughs]
And I was like, "One, I pay you too much.
Two, it was 2020. We had murder hornets.
It could have been a fucking ghost cat, okay?"
-[audience laughs] -[man] Whoo!
Are there Black people here?
[audience cheers]
Ooh, yes!
I got one right down the front!
Yes! Rosa sat for us all!
And it's not just buses.
Can I--
[laughs]
Can I ask you a question?
Okay, so at the height of the Black Lives Matter protest last summer,
I don't know about you,
but every single White person
I blinked at, waved at, smiled at, kicked a leg up at, texted me.
[audience laughs]
I heard a lot of White laughter. They were like, "Yes, I texted."
But-- [chuckles]
"Did they text you?"
Yeah. Did the text message say,
"If there's anything I can do, let me know"?
Yes! What the fuck, White people?
[audience laughs]
What the fuck?
I don't need to know that I'm your only Black friend.
[audience laughs]
Keep that shit locked in your heart.
Also, I don't need anything, I'm alive.
Ha-ha! But…
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
But I do gotta say,
I was deeply, truly offended
that the only White people
who didn't text me
were all the White dudes I ever fucked.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Excuse me!"
Do Black lives only matter when you're inside of one?
Oh come on, White people!
[audience laughs]
Come on!
Pack up your White guilt and send it via the postal service!
Do you remember before the election when we thought
the post office was closing?
[audience laughs]
What a goofy ass year!
We were all like,
"We got to go buy stamps! For who? We're on Zoom!"
[audience laughs]
[applause and cheers]
But I do like fucking White dudes.
[audience laughs]
I like to fuck 'em so hard their ancestors cry.
[audience laughs]
I got another one.
I love fucking White dudes.
Ooh I love it.
But I have to be careful
because I like rough sex
and there's a right way to get tied up and a wrong way.
[audience laughs]
I got another!
[audience applauds]
Ooh baby, I love fucking White dudes.
Ooh I love it!
I just like the feeling of privilege inside of me.
[audience cheers and applauds]
I'm kidding.
I don't only fuck White dudes.
I raised my pussy to not see color.
[audience laughs]
But I am horny.
And it got to critical levels last year. It was bad. It was a Code Red.
And I was trying to figure out how to fuck safely.
I was like, "I'll make these dudes wear a mask."
No, that's not cute. That's not sexy.
I was like, "Ooh, I'll fuck somebody I know."
So I was going through the Rolodex, the Dick-o-dex, and…
[audience laughs]
I matched with this dude. All right.
I texted this dude I matched with on Bumble,
who's also like a friend, and I texted him.
I said, "Hey, you want to meet me at a glory hole?"
[audience laughs]
And he said, "No."
[audience laughs]
And then he followed it up with, "I'm actually dating somebody.
Do you want to do my podcast?"
[audience groans]
That second part, it hurt worse than the first part.
[audience laughs]
Oh wait, does everybody here know what a glory hole is?
[audience cheers]
I feel like there's some shy people.
Get involved. I'll tell you.
Okay, so like a traditional glory hole,
a classic, if you will.
[audience laughs]
It's a wall with a hole cut out
and you put your dick in there and you're like a Senator. And…
[audience laughs]
…a very cute twink is on the other side,
who kind of looks like you.
And…
they're on the other side on their knees being like,
"Yum, yum!
Choo-choo! My tummy full."
[audience laughs]
So that's a glory hole.
And…
And I've been Googling "glory holes for ladies"
'cause it's a very masculine thing.
I'm like, "Where are the glory holes for the ladies?"
Are there glory holes for ladies here in New York City?
-Probably. -Probably?
That's not a yes, okay?
[audience laughs]
Truly, I've been Googling it so much.
My FBI agent's like, "Is she okay?"
No, I am not.
No. Very fucking horny.
Also, what a good late night commercial?
"You've heard of glory holes, introducing glory holes for ladies!"
[audience laughs and applauds]
But I can't find any here in the good old US of A.
But I did find some glory holes in Germany!
So I'm going on a vacation!
[audience applauds]
And the way they do it in Germany
is a lady lies on a table
and there's a wall that cuts her in half.
And then her pussy is just like out for the taking.
And all I could think was,
"What if nobody chooses me?
What if I don't feel slurp, slurp, suck, suck?
[audience laughs]
What if the only thing I feel is the wind on my bald pussy?"
[audience laughs]
That is a level of rejection that I am not ready for, okay?
Something else I learned during the pandemie
is you can order a singular bottle of ranch to your door.
[audience laughs]
But it will cost you $20.
So I'm vegan. Thank you.
Thank you, she's a hero. It's my cross to bear.
Thank you.
And I was making some vegan
[high pitched voice] chik'n nuggets!
You know, vegan chik'n nuggets.
-How-- -[audience laughs]
How come all vegan food has K's and apostrophes
where they don't belong?
They're like, "It's chik'n, not chicken. It's chik'n."
So…
[audience laughs]
So I was making my vegan chik'n nuggets
and I am a vegan, okay.
Before you say… I'm a vegan, all right?
Except for eggs.
Um…
sometimes Kraft ranch dressing.
Sometimes a rib or two.
Okay, maybe I am not a vegan,
but the important thing is
I identify as a vegan.
Okay?
I'm like the Rachel Dolezal of veganism.
All right?
So I was making my vegan chik'n nuggets
and I wanted some ranch.
So I hopped onto Postmates and I ordered my ranch
and I was waiting for it to come to my door.
Ding dong. It comes.
I open the door
and there's just a loose bottle of ranch.
[audience laughs]
No bag, no nothing.
[audience laughs]
I mean, for $20 you could at least give me a bag
or tickle my clit, you know?
[audience laughs]
Imagine there's a button like, "Tip or tickle?"
-[Nicole laughs] -[audience laughs]
And I couldn't help but think about it
from the Postmates perspective, you know?
They're working through the pandemie.
They're like, "I am delivering the essentials.
I am doing the Lord's work."
Beep-bop-boop.
"One singular bottle of ranch?"
[audience laughs]
"This bitch wants me to risk my life
for some sauce?
No, I'm not giving her a bag. No way.
No.
And what? Make her neighbors think she's ordering essentials?
No!
Fuck that bitch!"
[laughs]
[sighs]
At the end of 2020,
I dislocated my ankle.
Yeah, 'cause the good Lord was like, "My child, fuck you."
[audience laughs]
I dislocated my ankle
because I fell all the way down my stairs
because I was too excited to leave my house.
[audience laughs]
And I had to go to Glendale Memorial Hospital.
If you are ever in the Greater Los Angeles area,
I say, don't go, okay?
[audience laughs]
No, I did not have a nice time.
No.
Honestly, it was very bad.
A nurse tried to steal my underwear.
[audience gasps and laughs]
We'll get into it. But first…
[audience laughs]
…my ambulance ride was $700 fucking dollars
with insurance!
And nobody even offered me water.
I was like, "This is the worst Uber I've ever been in."
My God. Also, the hospital
propped my leg up with a pillow
from my own living room.
[audience laughs]
People kept walking by being like, "Target?"
I was like, "No, Anthropology. I'm thriving."
-[audience laughs] -[man] Whoo!
It also took seven men to get me out of my house.
And I was like, "I could be embarrassed"
or I could get a gang bang!
[audience laughs]
But I did not have a nice time
there was no gang bang to be had.
And at the hospital I said,
"Excuse me, can I have pain medication?
'Cause I am not thriving."
And the nurse said, "Oh, okay."
And he gives me the IV and he gives me a little pump of something.
And I was like, "Yum, yum, yum. Yes, she's alive."
And I was like, "Actually, no, I still passed away.
What the fuck was that?"
And he said it was a placebo.
It was a saline injection.
And I said, "Sir, my ankle looks like a fucking U-turn.
You better give me some fucking shit."
I don't know if you know this,
but Black and Brown people are prescribed opioids
at a lower rate than White people.
So White people have a higher addiction rate to heroin.
And I said to myself, "Huh?
Maybe sometimes racism's good?"
[audience laughs]
'Cause Black and Brown people have kind of circumvented the opioid crisis.
Anyway, back to that nurse who tried to steal my underwear.
[audience cheers]
So I was lying in the hospital bed and I said,
"Excuse me, I have to pee."
And he said, "Oh no, you can't walk."
[audience laughs]
I said, "There's a ton of motherfuckers in this hospital who can't walk,
how do they pee?"
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."
I was like, "Who the fuck is Jenny?"
Who is she? The Pee Whisperer?
What's happening?
So Jenny comes in, and this is truly what she sounded like, she said,
"Oh no!
You gotta go pee-pee!"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Yes, Jenny,
I have to pee-pee."
And then she explains this machine to me.
She goes, "Okay, here is the canister
and then here is the hose.
And it sucks it up and you put this part
right on your hoo-ha."
And I was like, "Hoo-ha?"
Hoo-ha?
Use the medical term: "pussy".
[audience laughs]
What are we doing? Grow up.
So…
I put it on my "hoo-ha".
And Jenny says,
"Okay, go!"
So I start to pee
and it just puddles up right under me.
[audience groans]
I looked at Jenny and I said,
"I don't think it works."
And then Jenny said,
"Oh no!
We got to clean you up!"
And then Jenny cleaned me up like I was a big fucking baby.
She was like, ♪ We gotta get the right cheek clean ♪
♪ And the left cheek clean ♪
♪ We gotta get in your crack I love your butt ♪
Boop, boop!
[audience laughs]
She didn't sing.
She hummed, which I think is creepier.
And when she was done, she said,
♪ We got to take your panties They're all wet ♪
I said, "Jenny, they're not wet. I pulled them down pretty far."
She said, "I'm taking them."
I said, "No, please don't."
She said, "I am." I said, "No."
We played tug of war with my fucking underwear
until I was like, "Jenny, they're not fucking wet!"
And then Jenny said,
"Ha-ha!"
So then…
[audience laughs]
So then I'm still lying
in this fucking hospital bed.
I am there for so long.
I am there for a full eight hours.
I clocked in and out and…
I looked at the nurse again and I said,
"Excuse me,
I have to pee again."
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."
And I said, "Let's get Jenny."
[audience laughs]
So Jenny comes back and she says,
"Again?"
And I was like, "Yeah, you fucking Teletubby, again."
[audience laughs]
So we go through it again. I put the thing on my hoo-ha.
The only difference is
the other nurse didn't leave the room.
And Jenny said,
"Okay, go!"
And before I could go the other nurse said,
"Wait, Jenny, you didn't turn on the machine."
[audience laughs]
Do you think Jenny
has the most specific kink of all time?
[audience applauds and laughs]
She went all the way to nursing school,
got a job in a hospital
and was like, "Fingies crossed.
I'll get to clean up a messy fat Black
and fill my pockets with panties."
[cackles]
[audience laughs]
[woman laughs loudly]
[laughs]
That laugh.
[audience laughs]
I had a lot of time to myself to recuperate
and I was watching just a lot of TV,
just consuming all of the content.
And I was watching a documentary on the KKK.
Easy Breezy, Beautiful Tuesday.
[audience laughs]
And as I was watching it, the man on the screen said,
[Southern accent] "I'm a grand wizard."
And I was like, "The fuck?"
And then his friend said,
"And I'm a grand dragon."
I said, "Hey,
that sounds like some Harry Potter shit."
[audience laughs]
So I did some investigative journalism.
I took it to the streets.
I looked at Wikipedia and…
[audience laughs]
Stay with me.
I think Harry Potter
is based on the KKK.
[audience laughs]
Let's take a journey!
[audience applause]
[man] Whoo!
So, in the KKK they have grand wizards.
What is Harry?
A Grand Wizard.
In the KKK they wear hooded cloaks.
What do they wear at Hogwarts?
Hooded cloaks.
In the KKK they have something called a Nighthawk and a grand Turk.
I was like, "That's just something found in the Forbidden Forest."
Now, the whole premise of the KKK-- "Premise." [laughs]
What?
[laughs]
No, the KKK's whole deal is…
[audience laughs]
It's keeping White people and Black people separate.
The whole premise of Harry Potter
is keeping magical people and non-magical people separate.
So…
if we follow my logic.
Not yet, it fucking checks out, okay.
Non-magical people
are Black people
and they call them "Muggles".
And a slur for them is "Mudblood",
which is like the N-word of the wizarding world.
Also at Hogwarts, they have Muggle Studies.
I was like, "Huh?
That's just Black History Month.
[audience laughs]
Truly, I think JKKKK Rowling…
[audience laughs]
[cheering]
…was sitting in that coffee shop,
taking a break from writing and hating Trans people.
And…
[laughs]
It's a full-time job.
And…
she was perusing the internet, and she was just like,
"Oh, the KKK.
Ooh that seems awful but also whimsical!"
[audience laughs]
Because if you think about it, Harry is half-Muggle, half-Wizard.
He's mixed. Hermione is a Muggle.
She's Black. Ron's a Wizard. He's White.
So if you really think about it,
Harry Potter is a story of a mixed boy,
his Black friend, his woke White friend,
as they try to overthrow the racial patriarchy of the wizarding world!
[audience laughs and cheers]
I need to get fucked, okay?
[audience laughs]
I've been traveling a lot more
since we're pretending that the pandemie is done.
It's not.
And I got to go to Pennsylvania.
Yuck! Woof! Ugh!
Ugh!
What a rectangle of trash, truly.
[audience laughs]
From Philadelphia to Shits-burg,
throw it away.
Is anyone here from Pennsylvania?
[audience members cheer]
Whatever I stand by it.
[audience laughs]
You escaped. There's a reason why you're not there.
So I was driving through this fucking rectangle and…
I ran out of gas in White Haven.
Lucky me.
[audience laughs]
[man laughs hard]
You laughed too hard at my misfortune.
[audience laughs]
I pull into this old rickety gas station.
I get out of my rental car.
I'm trying to put my credit card in the pump. It doesn't take cards.
I was like, "The fuck?"
So I had to go inside. I went in and said,
"Hey, excuse me, one gas please."
[audience laughs]
I don't know how to order gas.
I'm from New Jersey where it's illegal to pump it yourself.
[audience cheers]
Okay. That is some peasant shit, okay?
In New Jersey, we're all
[British accent] Kings and Queens of our vehicles.
We roll down the window and go,
"Ta-ta fill it with your cheapest!"
[audience laughs]
So I said, "One gas please."
And inside were two fat White dudes with six teeth among them.
And for whatever reason they had Southern accents.
So I said, "Oh me, oh my,
I better get this gas to go."
[audience laughs]
So I get my gas to go.
And I'm walking back to the rental car
and I am so clumsy.
I stepped off the curb and I twisted my ankle.
And all I could think of was,
"This is how Black people die."
So I started limping to my car,
looking behind me, limping to my car,
looking behind me.
But they would've never caught up. They were too fat.
Also…
what do you think they were thinking when they looked out the window?
Do you think they were like,
"Ooh, look at that nice Black lady doing the 'Thriller' dance!"
[audience laughs]
I also got to go to Appleton, Wisconsin.
Oh boy, what a cute name for a town.
Appleton, Wisconsin.
And then you get there and they're like, "We tricked ya, we're trash!"
[audience laughs]
I don't want to say everybody who came to my shows were bad,
but a lot of people were on their worst fucking behavior.
It was like they ate too much cheese and forgot how to fucking act.
During my show I encountered a White woman with a birthday.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. You already know.
[audience laughs harder]
There is almost nothing on this planet,
louder or more powerful
than a White woman with a birthday.
A White woman could steal a baby and go,
"It's my birthday!"
[audience laughs]
And legally that's her baby.
[audience laughs]
The White woman with a birthday I encountered,
let's call her…
mm, I don't know Krista,
because that's her name.
[audience laughs]
How do I know it's her name?
During my show she said,
"I'm Krista, it's my birthday!"
So then I roasted her for a little bit
and I'll tell you something.
Krista, woo baby, she did not like that.
[audience laughs]
No, because Krista evolved into her final form,
which is a crying White woman with a birthday.
[audience laughs]
A crying White woman with a birthday is the Mutu of the Pokémon world.
[audience laughs]
A crying White woman with a birthday
is Thanos's glove.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
A crying White woman with a birthday is literal kryptonite to common sense,
okay?
I have been in a bar bathroom, seen a bitch crying
surrounded by other bitches being like,
"Ah! Somebody help her it's her birthday!"
[audience laughs]
And I'll tell you guys something.
I enjoyed watching Krista cry.
[audience applauds and cheers]
I was like, "Is it my birthday?"
Because I suck up White women power and their energy.
I watched her cry and I was like…
[sucking in breath]
I was Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus, okay?
[audience laughs and cheers]
I was sucking it up so I could evolve to my final state,
which is an unaffected Black woman who doesn't give a fuck that you're crying
or that it's your birthday.
[audience cheers]
[high-pitch voice] I so sorry, I don't care!
Because I if cried every time something didn't go my way,
I'd be a literal walking swimming pool.
And I can't get this wig wet, it was too expensive.
It was free.
I…
[audience laughs]
I have been watching a ton
of these Karen Gone Wild videos.
Have you guys been watching them?
[audience cheers]
Oh my God. They are truly so bat shit fucking bonkers.
I love them.
As I watch them I'm always just like,
who the fuck do you go home to?
You know, like, who the fuck loves you?
Truly.
Like, is your kid sitting on the couch,
scrolling through Instagram being like,
"Mom!"
You come in wearing the same shirt and it's like,
"Did you come directly from the hate crime?"
[audience laughs]
How do you talk to your partner when they fucking act like that?
Do you wait for nightfall when you're about to eat them out?
No, I'm kidding.
Nobody eats these women out.
No!
Otherwise they wouldn't be screaming in public.
And I get the irony of me screaming at you people in public.
I do need to be eaten out more.
[laughs]
But as I watch these videos,
I realize that there's only really like three levels of a Karen.
The first level she's all indignant. She's like, "Yes,
I told that Brown woman to go back to her brown country.
What of it?"
[mouthing words]
[audience laughs]
Second level, she's a little angrier.
She's like, "Yes,
I told that Brown woman to go back to her brown country.
Also I think she's shoplifting 'cause I saw a twinkle in her eye.
No, I don't work here.
No, I've never shopped here.
Also, are these on sale?"
[audience laughs]
The third level, I call this "The Ultimate Karen."
She's found in a grocery store.
She's throwing shit out of her shopping cart.
She's like, "Yes, I told that Brown woman
to go back to her brown country.
No, I don't eat raisins. They look like old Black people.
[audience laughs]
No, I don't eat dates. They look like old fat Black people.
Pretzels? Can't eat them.
Flexible Black people.
I do not eat gingerbread men.
They look like fancy naked Black people.
And if they're so fancy,
why are they naked?
Yes, I called her the N-word.
I used a hard R and a hard G.
But what you don't know is I'm going to issue an apology later
because my dog died.
So I'm the real victim, me!
A White woman. It's a dark life
without her four-legged friend, her pooch.
I'm being persecuted
because I am White woman!"
[audience laughs and applauds]
There's a White woman here right now who is like, "Oh…
[audience laughs]
…she's talking about me!"
But listen to your friend Kelly Clarkson.
Make a wish, take a chance and break away.
[audience laughs and cheers]
[sighs] I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
I was shaving my pussy in the shower the other day
and I got tired midway through.
So I stopped.
[audience laughs]
And then to make myself feel better.
I said, "Oh Nicole, this is definitely a two-shower job."
[audience laughs]
It's still not done.
[audience laughs]
I'm tired.
I told that joke in Tacoma and this lady yelled at me,
"A three-shower job!"
[audience laughs]
And I cannot stop thinking about how big her pussy is.
[audience laughs]
Because I only have two lips.
I…
[audience laughs]
I ended up fucking an audience member after a show.
Thank you.
[audience cheers]
And he was an Irishman from Ireland.
So he had that like whole accent.
When he came, he was like, "Arr-da-dee.
I know who stole my lucky charms."
[audience laughs]
I'm kidding.
What he actually said was,
[Irish accent] "Ya weren't kidding about being half-shaven now were ya?"
[audience laughs and applauds]
"If we were in Ireland, I'd call ya Patchy O'Hoolaghan."
[audience laughs]
And I was like,
"How do you Irish goodbye from your own hotel room?"
[audience laughs]
I'm tired.
[audience laughs]
I'm so tired. I'm tired of movie remakes.
Great segue, right?
Like…
why are they remaking everything? I already saw it. Truly.
Who was that new Lion King for?
What child saw the original Lion King and was like,
[child voice] "I mean I get that they're lions, but oh boy,
they were not realistic enough!"
[audience laughs]
Who was it for?
And then Beyoncé was Nala.
Who signed off on that?
[audience laughs]
Who thought that was a good idea?
"Simba, let's go to the watering hole."
[audience laughs and applauds]
Who thought that was a good idea?
And if you don't know what Beyoncé's speaking voice sounds like,
[mimics Beyoncé] tonight when you go home, tuck yourself in,
watch a video on YouTube, and you'll be like,
"Hey, that was a pretty good impression."
[audience laughs]
But my point is Beyoncé is too powerful
to be a secondary character.
If you're remaking the Lion King with Beyoncé,
let Beyoncé be the Lion King!
[audience cheers]
But it is funny, Simba.
They also…
[audience laughs]
They also remade this movie, What Women Want?
Do you guys remember that movie?
Okay, if you don't remember it,
it's a movie that starred Mel Gibson.
-He could hear the-- -[woman whoops]
Okay. He could…
[audience laughs]
Woo for Mel Gibson?
Have you been in quarantine your whole life?
-[audience cheers and claps] -[Nicole giggles]
Okay. So What Women Want is a movie
that starred Mel Gibson.
He could hear the thoughts of women
and he used that to treat them better.
And then Mel Gibson said,
"This stays in the movie."
[audience laughs]
Got him.
So then…
they remade the movie with Taraji P. Henson.
And it's called What Men Want.
And I was like, "Huh?"
We already know…
[audience laughs]
…what men want.
What is that movie? What is it?
Is it Taraji walking around, having a nice day?
She sees a man, she waves, he waves back.
Then she hears his thought and all it is is,
"I want you to guzzle my cum."
[audience laughs]
What is that movie?
Is it just an hour and a half of her being afraid?
What is it?
[audience laughs and claps]
It might sound like I hate men.
Hey, hey, hey. I do.
I do.
[audience cheers and claps]
A lot of you gentlemen are real fucking dumpsters, okay?
But also, I really want a boyfriend.
[giggles]
I just want to like hop in the dumpster and suck a dick,
you know what I'm saying?
Just get in there and be like…
"Num, num, num, num."
Imagine that's how I suck dick.
[audience laughs]
Like I'm playing the jazz sax.
"Da-da-da-da-ding!"
He's like, "Can you get on your knees?" I'm like, "Catch me."
[audience laughs]
I'm on the ceiling like Hereditary.
[audience laughs]
I decided in the beginning of this year
to like push myself out of my comfort zone
and try something new like…
anal. No, I'm kidding.
No, I love anal. Lube me up.
But…
[audience laughs]
…what I ended up doing was I signed up for a twerk class.
And when I got there, it was me and 11 White women.
And I got there before the teacher
and I have a fat ass and I felt 22 eyes look at me and be like,
"She's here."
[audience laughs]
"She hath risen to teach us to twerketh."
And I told you earlier, I suck up White women power
and their energy. So I was like…
[sucking in breath]
Woo! It is all for you barbecue Beckys, you library Lauras.
I'm gonna teach you how the fuck to do this. Hey!
But then the teacher came and I was like, "Oh yes, over here."
[audience laughs]
And then the music started. You guys, I have no rhythm.
Ha!
What a devastating thing to find out in person.
My ass was a brick. It would not move.
It was like, "I rebuke movement." Truly.
It was fucking useless. It was like the Liberty bell.
Big with a crack. People love to look at it,
but fucking useless. I hate Pennsylvania.
[audience laughs and cheers]
There's a metal detector at that bell.
Who the fuck is rolling up to a bell being like,
"Ding dong, big poppy pop!"
[audience laughs]
And after our class, I was really sad.
I was walking back to my car. I was like, "Aw, rats.
Ah, dang it."
[groans]
[scoffs]
"I'm a bad Black."
And okay.
That is not a phrase you White people can leave here with, okay?
But I can say it, I'm a bad Black.
And I was thinking of the other ways I'm a bad Black.
And I look like I can sing.
[audience laughs]
You're like, "That bitch is soulful." No, tone deaf.
But, um…
every time I go to karaoke,
people get so excited.
I walk in and they're like,
"Ooh-oh!"
"Ooh, there's a little Aretha in the house."
"Girl, ooh, it's Jennifer Hudson before Weight Watchers."
Fuck all of you. That's a perfect joke.
[audience laughs and cheers]
And I know I can't sing.
So I do this a little teaser. I'm like, "Maybe I will, no I won't.
Maybe I will, no I couldn't.
Maybe I will. I mean, no."
Then I get drunk and I'm like, "Excuse me."
[audience laughs]
"I'll do it."
So,
I get on stage. I start swaying off beat.
Everyone's like, "She'll get it."
I won't.
[audience laughs]
And then I start singing and this is me really trying.
♪ Do you believe in love after love? ♪
♪ After love ♪
It's not good, it's bad.
No, Cher would truly shoot me in the street.
But, uh…
the last time I did karaoke
I sang that song and during a lull,
this man just went, "Painful!"
[audience laughs]
Okay. More about me.
I've said it a 100 times during this set,
but I'm a single woman.
And I was thinking to myself,
"Nicole,
how have you dated anyone past three dates?
How?"
And I was like, "Oh yeah, I tricked them."
[laughs]
Because men seem to really love a chill girl.
[giggles]
You know, a girl who's chill.
A chill girl.
And I'm not chill, I'm fucking crazy, okay?
[audience laughs]
I'll be saying normal things out loud to a guy
and thinking the most insane things.
Out loud I'm like, "Tee-hee,
yes, you're very funny.
Let's get a drink. Who me?
I love a taco."
And then…
And then I'm thinking insane things like,
"Why does it take you more than 30 seconds to text me back?"
[cackles]
"Will you ever love me more than you love your dog?"
[cackles]
"I know it's only been three months,
but if you die, do I get to go to your funeral?
And is that when I get to meet your mother?"
[laughs]
That last one's not a joke.
I…
said that out loud to a friend
and she was like, "Bitch you got to chill."
But I've been observing you couples out in the wild.
And I think I've figured it out.
You trick them by being chill at first.
And then a couple months in,
you get to be fucking crazy.
Truly, the arguments you people have in public are fucking bonkers, okay.
And I fucking want in, all right?
[audience laughs]
I want to be in an elevator with my boyfriend and six victims.
And…
[audience laughs]
…I want to look up at him as he's taller than me and say,
"Hey, let's have a baby."
[audience laughs]
And he's like, "Nicole now is not a good time."
And I'm like, "There's never a good time."
I don't even want a baby. I just want those six people to know
we're gonna talk about this later.
[audience laughs]
I was in a supermarket recently in the produce section.
Thank you.
And…
there was a couple shopping for apples and he was nuzzling her neck and she said,
"Tee-hee-hee.
Tee-hee-hee.
Tee.
So, you're a Red Delicious, what am I?"
And he goes, "Oh, I don't know, a Granny Smith."
[audience laughs]
The way this woman reacted.
She truly kicked the cart and was like,
"A Granny Smith?!"
They probably went home and had hate sex.
I want in, okay?
I was at a restaurant recently
eavesdropping on a couple trying to scoop secrets,
and the server came over and said,
"How's dinner?" and she said, "Funny story.
So, when our food came, I made him switch with me."
And I was like, "This bitch stole this man's food."
There are rules.
He agreed to go to a restaurant.
He sat down, he opened the menu.
He said, "I want that, that came to me."
And she said, "Nuh-uh." Do you know what I mean?
And she probably got a good deep dicking at home.
I want in!
[audience laughs]
I want to behave poorly in public and behind closed doors
he's like, "I tolerate you." You know what I'm saying?
I want an exhausted man. That's what I want.
I want an exhausted man.
I want to bring my boyfriend to a party and go, "That's my boyfriend."
And he goes… [sobs]
[audience laughs]
"I love her."
[audience laughs]
I want an exhausted man
'cause if he's tired, he can't go nowhere!
I was thinking to myself,
"How do I get my exhausted man?
How?"
And I figured it was like,
"Okay, I'll meet someone the old fashioned way,
I'll get off the apps. I'll meet them in person at a bar."
So… I'm in this bar,
I'm talking to this guy.
He goes, "Hey, my name's Dave.
I'm really into books right now."
[audience laughs]
So I said, "Okay, Dave, uh,
what kind of books are you into?"
And he said, "The ones that are really descriptive
and paint a picture in your mind."
So I said, "So a book?"
[audience laughs]
I can't fuck a dummy.
So I start flirting with the bartender and he goes,
"Hey, my name's Benny.
You know, like 'Benny and the Jets'."
I was like, "I've heard the name Benny before.
I didn't need the qualifier. Do you know what a book is?"
He was like, "I do." I was like, "You'll do."
So…
I was staying in the hotel above the bar
'cause convenience is what? Key.
So…
he comes up after his shift,
he knock-knocks on the door.
I open the door and he's standing there holding a bowl of chicken.
Not a bowl of fried chicken.
Because that would be a whole conversation, you know?
I'd be like, "Benny, I don't know you well enough for this to be funny."
[audience laughs]
But it was a bowl of grilled chicken.
So I said, "Benny,
why do you have a bowl of grilled chicken?"
And he said, "Protein."
[audience laughs]
Which, I mean, is an answer, you know.
But it was not the answer I was searching for.
So I said, "Benny, put your chicken on the desk.
You can't put it on the nightstand, no."
I'd be riding him, being like, "Protein."
[audience laughs]
And that's not the protein
I was searching for.
[audience laughs]
So we're hooking up.
I'm slobbing on that knob.
I'm sucking his dick and…
I get him semi-hard and I was like, "Hey, quick, put it in."
Because if he puts it in semi-hard
you can do kegels to help him stand at attention.
Also, you feel like a claw machine.
[audience laughs]
What a dumb fucking joke.
So then Benny's on top of me and I was like,
"Hey, choke me real quick."
'Cause I'm an adult and I wanted to cum.
So…
Benny says, "Okay."
And he starts to choke me.
And I realize he's nowhere inside of me.
He is just smashing his semi flaccid dick into my thigh.
So I looked up at him and I said,
"But you're just killing me."
[audience laughs]
And if you've never seen the face of a man who's trying to kill you
who did not intend to try to kill you,
it's pretty funny.
So then Benny says, "Flip over."
And I was like, "Oh, I get it.
I wouldn't want to look at my victim either."
[audience laughs]
So then Benny's behind me and he utters a sentence I'll never forget.
He goes, "Ah, geez.
It's like a real wet noodle back here."
[audience laughs]
A sentence every gal wants to hear.
So I said, "You know what?
Noodles go great with chicken, Benny, you gotta jet."
So…
[audience cheers and applauds]
…I'm back on the apps.
And I got to say,
you gentlemen are so poorly behaved.
I don't understand why you're still sending dick pics.
I thought we had an understanding.
We don't fucking want them.
Does anyone here still send dick pics?
[man] Whoo!
[audience laughs]
Can I ask you a question?
Are you a homosexual?
What gives it away?
[laughs]
Well, you're sending it to people who want it, right?
With consent.
Really? You're like, "Do you consent to looking at my dick?"
Is that like--
It's in their profile.
Really?
If they accept like forward pics immediately or not.
The gays are onto something.
[audience laughs]
What the fuck?
We need that.
Nobody's ever asked me a goddamn question.
They're like, "Look at my fucking dick."
"Here's a mop for reference."
Like, what the fu--
[laughs]
But really, I don't want a dick pic.
I find them useless, okay?
They're not helpful. It's like sending someone IKEA instructions, okay?
Also, if you've seen four dicks, you've seen them all.
Big, tiny, curved, and straight.
That is it. Four.
I was in Buffalo, New York, and this girl screamed at me.
She said, "What about skinny?"
And I was like, "Bitch that's your journey, okay."
I have never seen a skinny dick.
What are you out here fucking pencils? What's wrong with you?
Is your boyfriend's name Ticonderoga.
I have never seen…
a skinny dick.
And if you didn't get that last joke,
it was just a more specific pencil.
[audience laughs and claps]
But there are four: big, tiny, curved, and straight.
And there's variations to the algorithm.
So you're gonna have big and straight, big and curved, big and tiny.
What a terrible surprise.
He pulls down his pants and you're like,
"Ooh baby, he gonna blow my back out."
And then he's fucking you, and you're like, "Huh?
I could be doing my taxes."
And then there's tiny and straight, tiny and big.
What a lovely surprise.
He pulls down his pants and you're like, "Ugh whatever."
Then afterwards you phone a friend and say,
"Girl, he bruised my cervix."
[audience laughs]
A lot of you are like, "What's a cervix?"
[audience laughs]
The worst one though is tiny and curved.
Ah, yuck! Woof! Ugh!
Tiny and curved? Ew!
Oh, gross. That's like fucking a hanger and that's for later.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Yeah, that was an abortion joke!
[audience cheers]
That I disguised as a dick joke!
And I know some of you didn't like it.
[laughs]
To you I say, tonight donate to your local planned parenthood or ACLU.
[audience cheers and applauds]
I won't end on an abortion joke
because I was raised right.
[audience laughs]
So I spend a lot of time in airports
and on airplanes.
And I don't want to generalize or stereotype,
I don't see that for myself. It's not me. But…
All male flight attendants are gay.
All of them.
Every single last one.
You're like, "Ooh excuse me, can I have a pillow?" And they go…
[audience laughs]
You're just like, "Excuse me,
did you just snap at me?"
It's almost as if someone said to them when they were a little boy,
"Baby, you too much for this world, you got to go to the sky."
[audience applause]
So I was on this flight once and I was wearing a nameplate necklace,
it says my name, Nicole, it's only six letters long,
but it takes up my whole chest.
My best friend had it made for me in Brooklyn
and the jeweler said, "Are you sure you want it that big?"
She said, "Yes, I have a very tacky friend."
[audience laughs]
So I was wearing this necklace on a flight
and the flight attendant says,
"Oh, well you must be Nicole."
I said, "Yeah, my necklace."
He goes, "Yeah, but I also recognize you from Girl Code
I think you're very funny."
And it is always so nice
when someone says they like your work
and think you're funny 'cause often you're like,
"I don't know if anybody likes me or thinks I'm funny."
And according to Reddit, they don't.
[audience laughs]
So the flight attendant says to me, "Do you want a drink?"
I said, "Yes, please. May I have a vodka soda?"
And he said, "I got you.
I've got you. I've got you."
I was like, "Then go get it."
[audience laughs]
What are we doing?
So he brings me three of those little airplane bottles of vodka
and a splash of soda.
And I said, "Game on."
So I drink that, he comes back around, he says, "Do you want another?"
And I said, "Yes, please."
So he brings three more Nossa and I say, "We're doing it."
[audience laughs]
So I drink that, he comes back around and says, "Do you want another?"
And I said, "I don't know how to say no."
[audience laughs]
So he brings me three more.
If you nice people are counting along,
that is nine of those airplane bottles of vodka
on a four-and-a-half-hour red-eye.
[audience laughs]
Everyone is sleeping
and I'm the drunkest I've ever been.
[audience laughs and claps]
I was sitting in my seat and I was like,
"What if I roll around in the aisle?"
[audience laughs]
Imagine I got up to lay down to roll in the aisle.
What would that call to Ground Control be?
"We got to land this plane, this big Black bitch won't sit down."
But then I was like,
[slurs] "I know what I will do. I will not roll in the aisle,
I will watch Back to the Future."
[audience laughs]
So I watched Back to the Future
like I had never seen it before.
I was knee-slapping and tee-hee-ing.
I was three inches from the monitor.
[audience laughs]
I was like,
"Marty and Doc's age difference is pretty wild."
[audience laughs]
"And is Lorraine ever okay?"
And… [laughs]
And then we land at JFK and it's 7:00 am
and Shake Shack is open.
So I say out loud to no one,
"Jesus loves his little baby."
[audience laughs and cheers]
'Cause I thought I'd been blessed. And…
I stumble up to the counter and I place my order
and the guy behind the counter said,
"Well, you must be Nicole."
I responded with, "You know who I am because I'm famous."
[audience laughs]
Famous people don't have to do that.
[audience laughs]
Also, he could read my necklace.
So he gives me my food to go. His choice, not mine.
[audience laughs]
And I'm stumbling through JFK with this bag of food, I was like,
"Oh my God, I'll go to the bathroom, I got to pee."
So I bring my food with me to the bathroom
and I start peeing.
You know, let's get real, I'm taking a shit.
[audience laughs]
And as I was shitting, I was like,
"Ooh, that burger smells so good."
[audience laughs]
So I start to eat it.
[audience laughs]
I'm single!
[audience laughs]
And then I realize what I'm doing
so I start crying.
[audience laughs]
So now I'm crying, eating a burger, taking a shit.
And I thought to myself,
"I know what I'll do to make myself feel better, I sing myself a song."
[audience laughs]
So then I out loud started to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".
As I'm crying, eating a burger, taking a shit.
And then I look down and I see a pair of feet.
[audience laughs]
And instead of shutting the whole thing down,
I knocked on the partition.
[audience laughs]
I said, "Excuse me,
I'm not normally like this."
[audience laughs]
And then that woman, being a normal human adult woman, said nothing.
[audience laughs]
And then I realize this bathroom is filled with women.
[audience laughs]
They're all moving very slowly.
They're like, "I don't know what the fuck is behind that door.
No, I don't know what kind of monster that is.
Gloria, I will miss my flight to see whatever the fuck that is!"
[audience laughs]
So I said out loud to Gloria and her friends, I said,
"Hey, I'm okay."
And honestly, this last year and a half has been pretty shitty
but I think we're all gonna be okay.
Thank you so much for fucking coming out.
-[audience applause] -Truly.
Thank you so much. Have a good night.
[audience cheers and applauds]
[theme music plays]
I need to get fucked.
I don't need anything, I'm alive!
If you don't give me, what the fuck?
Ooh, I love it!