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["Black Divinity" by Zethu Mashika plays]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[audience cheering, whistling]
[audience clapping]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
[applause, cheering]
Hello, my babies.
[audience laughs]
Hi, you could have been anywhere in the world
and you're here with me in Cape Town!
-Yes! -[cheering]
Shut up, we're in lockdown. What do you mean?
Can't go anywhere in the world. You're stuck.
[Gola chuckles]
It's cool.
Thank you, people watching me from the side.
I'll try to give you attention as well.
Hello, madame. Hello. Hello, VIP. VIP.
That's where Lincoln got shot. Yeah.
[audience laughs]
On the balcony.
Don't think you are safe there. Anyone can get shot. Pow!
Man, the only-- The crazy thing is, um,
this COVID situation stopped me from traveling, which is… Ah!
'Cause I'm such a nomad, you know,
and, um, I've been taking my career around the world
before this whole pandemic started.
And one of the things that's very hard for me is
people don't have a context of South Africa, they just think…
I don't know what they're thinking,
but the questions they ask in interviews are strange.
I'll be in an interview and someone will say,
[English accent] "Where were you…
Where were you when Nelson Mandela
got released from jail?"
I'm like, "If you'd done your research, you'd have known I was six."
[audience laughs]
I was six years old.
In fact, I was pissed off because everything was closed.
I was like, "I'm trying to go play soccer."
"Yeah, but the fields are closed.
The place where you buy ice cream is closed as well."
"Why?" "Nelson Mandela's coming out."
"Fuck!"
That was the thing. So they have this thing.
They ask me these questions like Nelson Mandela's my cousin.
Like I'm supposed to go, "Yeah, we were together."
No, I wasn't there.
I'm not saying we weren't aware politically as children.
We were. We were. We were.
I remember when we were young,
we were always told to free Nelson Mandela.
So, I remember being four years old, stressing about it.
Like, I'm four. "But we must free this guy." Like…
It was something that really bothered me, but--
So one day at kindergarten, at kindergarten, kindergarten,
I decided that I am going to mobilize the kids,
and we're going to try to free Nelson Mandela.
So I said, "We are refusing to sleep."
"We're not going to play with these toys and Lego until Nelson Mandela is free."
So the teachers were panicking. We were like, "We're not eating…" Pow!
"…till Nelson Mandela is free!"
We didn't even know what Mandela looked like,
'cause you have to remember his images had been banned from the '60s.
We didn't know. So, the teachers just brought a random guy from the street
and be like, "Here's Nelson Mandela." We were like, "Why didn't you just say?
You see, now we wasted our energy."
[clicks tongue] "This guy."
We didn't care. We didn't know. We were kids.
2020's been… 2020's been a very interesting year.
One thing I had to learn in 2020,
or unlearn in 2020,
is this idea that America is the greatest country in the world. [tuts]
[audience laughs]
They're a crying shame, man.
Top 50 at best. Top 50.
Up there with Bangladesh and Sri Lanka.
[audience laughs]
Malawi. You know, they are in competition. In competition.
No, no, I mean, now they've got Biden, but we didn't forget Trump.
There was a whole, full Trump…
I was like, "Yo, Trump is the crazy--
Trump is by far the craziest thing I've seen in a very long time."
One time, right, 2016, it's 2016,
the day Donald Trump was elected to be the American president, I was in New York.
I'd been in New York for, like, a week. I met this girl,
this woman, and she was great. We were fan-- It was a fantastic vibe.
We were into each other, it was a…
You know… you know those feelings.
She was fantastic. You know, vibes.
Date number one's good, date number two.
You know the feeling, it was good times. Ooh-whee!
So now, on date number four, this person takes me to an election party.
Dunno if you've ever been--
These people take the election very serious.
They have a party where they have screens reporting on the election.
In South Africa, we don't do that.
We know who's going to win. We're like, "Yeah, the ANC."
African National Congress is going to win the election.
Is it majority or not, we don't know.
So yeah. So, um…
I'm at this election party, we vibing,
and this is the fourth date, we were getting into each other.
I thought I'm gonna spend the night at her house.
Now we're at the party. Everything is amazing.
Everything is going fine. "Would you like more wine?" "Yes."
[audience laughs]
Those kind of dates. You know.
Anyway, so, at some point they realize that…
Trump is leading in the elections. The whole mood in New York is gloomy.
The whole room, gloomy.
I'm like, "Ah, shit."
At some point, Trump wins the election.
Ah! Everyone in the room starts crying. But not like… [whimpers]
Proper… [sobs]
My date is crying as well. Now, I'm like, "Okay, cool. I hear the elections,
but are we still…"
[audience laughs]
"We still going to my house?" She's like, "No, walk me home."
I'm like, "Ahh, this motherfucker Trump killed me!"
That's why I'm mad at Trump. He cost me some pussy. That's why…
[chuckles]
That's why I don't like Trump.
He says crazy-- He says crazy--
Okay, he said he didn't want people from shithole countries coming to America.
He doesn't want people from shithole countries to come.
He wants people from Norway to come to America.
I thought to myself, "This nigga's never been to Norway."
[chuckles]
There is nobody in Norway going, "I need to go to America."
I've been to Norway. Those white people are enjoying their whiteness. [laughs]
They walk on the street, they can taste it in the air. Mmm!"
[audience laughs]
"Delicious. Snow and salmon, you can't go wrong."
Snow and salmon is white heaven, I'll tell you that for free.
No white person is thinking of America in Norway.
"I don't give a fuck."
I'm 37. I'm 37 years old,
and I realized at 37 there's things that I got to unpack about my life.
Everybody's got to.
It's like, you know when you upgrade your cell phone?
When you up--
Just randomly on a Tuesday, it'll say, "Would you like to upgrade your iOS?"
You're like, "There's no need at all. My phone's fine."
And then you download another app.
A random app, right?
The app goes, "I don't work without an update."
[audience laughs]
"Fuck!" You have to update, and I'm like, "That's how life works."
That's how life works.
You have to constantly upgrade your software. You have to, right?
I get so perplexed sometimes when I'm having a debate with people,
we're discussing abortion, and they quote the Bible,
and I'm like, "Man, that was written 2,000 years ago.
They didn't have sandwiches and air conditioning."
I don't think you can just quote the Bible in 2020.
Do you know how long ago…
Know how long ago that was written?
People were getting their teeth removed by barbers.
-That guy would cut… -[audience laughs]
The guy will cut your teeth.
You know how crazy it is to quote something…
Shit you're quoting, people were being hung in crosses.
Do you understand how crazy that is?
Like, "Yes, but Moses said…"
Moses was living in a very different time.
This-- The Bible says stupid things. "Love thy neighbor."
Have you ever lived in a complex? Have you ever lived--
[audience laughs]
Love my neighbor?
Fuck my neighbor. Fuck my neighbor.
Love my space. That nigga's always making noise, fuck him.
[audience laughs]
[Gola chuckles]
I don't love my neighbor. Get out of here.
So…
This is how I actually got to this realization that I have to unlearn.
It's quite a-- It's a quite…
[exhales] …intricate journey. Go with me.
So, I'm watching Godfather. You guys seen Godfather?
I'm watching Godfather during lockdown.
I'm watching it. I'm like, "Oh my God, this is great."
If you haven't, Marlon Brando plays Godfather Vito Corleone.
[in Italian accent] Vito Corleone.
Three-hour movie… [mumbles]
That's how the don talks. [mumbles]
[continues mumbling]
Three fucking hours.
[audience laughs]
[continues mumbling]
Not one scene where someone goes, "Sorry, I didn't get the last part."
[audience laughs]
"You are not clear, my brother.
You've just ordered us to kill a whole family.
We didn't get the address.
We need at least the address. Is it street? Avenue?
What? What? What?
Put down the cat and write it down."
You know, he's like…
So, I loved the movie so much, I watched all the movies. All the movies.
When Francis Coppola was trying to make this movie,
the Mafia tried to stop him. He had to sit with them and negotiate.
And one of the conditions that the Mafia said to him was,
um, don't mention the word "Mafia" in the movie.
If you watch all the movies,
they only mention the word "Mafia" twice in all the movies.
The movie came out eventually and it was such a success,
when the Mafia watched the movie,
right, they loved it so much,
they were like, "We need to act more like that."
Blew my mind.
I was like, "Holy shit, how much of my life is like that?"
How much of your life is?
How much of your life is just living off other people's expectations of you?
You're living other people's imaginations.
After that whole experience happened in my brain, I started questioning things.
For instance, my friend got engaged,
and he bought this expensive, um, engagement ring,
and I was excited, but my brain goes, "Where does an engagement ring come from?"
"Where did this thing come from?"
It turns out an engagement ring was an idea from De Beers.
It was an advertising campaign by De Beers.
Because they were like, "The sales of diamonds are not doing well.
How do we get people--"
If you're trying to get people to drink Coca-Cola,
you come up with an ad campaign.
They were trying to sell diamonds.
Cut to 100 years later, we still buy it.
The women are looking at me going, "We hear you…"
[audience laughs]
"…but I want my motherfucking ring."
And I get it. I get it. I get it.
Like, I'm in a restaurant,
people are eating whatever,
I'm looking at the menu,
I see, "Oh, lobster."
Lobster is the most expensive thing in the menu.
Always. Why?
Went to investigate.
Discovered that lobster used to be slave food.
Did you know that?
How crazy is that? Lobster used to be slave and peasant food in America.
Then what happened is the slaves and peasants just rebelled.
The workers were like, "We're tired of eating lobster."
They burned shit down. Think of Black Lives Matter protest,
but if you ask, "What are you fighting for?"
They were like, "We're tired of lobster! Fuck this lobster!" Pow!
Shit is exploding. Really, yes.
When you get home tonight, please Google "the Lobster Revolt."
And then lobster became this food that no one wanted to eat.
Then they had to re-market lobster, and that's why lobster's so expensive.
There's no real fucking reason.
Do you understand?
My brain is exploding with all this information.
It's-- Everything that happens in my life, right? right?
I'll be meeting up with a friend. "I'm running a bit late, I had to shave."
I'm like, "When did women shave?"
Started figuring out when did women start shaving.
Gillette.
Women didn't care about shaving and men didn't--
We were going to fuck your hairy asses. We didn't give…
[audience laughs]
We didn't give a fuck until 100 years ago.
Gillette decided,
'cause men used to go off to war and fight--
"Who's going to buy my blades?"
He convinced women to shave. Women didn't give a shit.
And guess what, men also don't--
We don't give a shit if you're hairy or not.
Okay, let me give you an example of how men think.
A friend of mine was in a car accident, he'll never be able to walk again.
Ever.
Two weeks after, we went to visit in the hospital.
He was lying there. [groans] There… Ugh.
We go to the doctor, say, "What's going on, is he okay?"
He's like, "He'll never walk."
We're like, "Doc, more importantly, will he ever be able to…"
Doc was like, "He'll be fine." I'm like, "What's the problem?"
-[audience laughs] -"What's the issue here?"
"Come on, man. Get dressed. Let's go, bro. What the fuck?"
That's how men are. We don't care.
[Gola chuckles]
That's right, man. You're drinking wine over there?
Wine. It's red wine?
Do you know where the wine glass comes from?
You ever thought, like, why that glass looks like that versus a tumbler? No?
In the 15th century, there was a gentleman who was a Venetian glassmaker.
So they-- Winemakers used to make all this wine
and then people used to guzzle the wine. Like… [gulping]
They used to drink… [gulping]
You know, they just drink it.
The winemakers would be like, "We want people to appreciate this wine."
This Venetian glassmaker was like, "I'm going to make a glass so delicate,
when people hold it, it could break, so they gotta hold it delicately.
If they hold it delicately, they'll drink it delicately."
When they drink delicately,
they'll taste the delicious wine we spent all this time making."
That's how the wine glass exists. That's how it exists.
Some of you are looking at me going, "I do hold it delicately."
[audience laughs]
"No, holding. Not a problem. Very delicate.
But when it's time to throw it down? No, not a joke.
We're chugging, chugging. [gulps]
It's a Friday, I've got problems."
[chuckles]
Yeah, I mean, I haven't traveled in a while, but in my travels,
I learned so much about myself as well. What did I learn about myself? I learned--
When I was traveling Europe and I ended up in Lithuania,
I did realize that I cannot deal with
more than three poor white people at a time.
-[audience member laughs] Three! -Three.
[audience laughs]
Three…
More than three is traumatic. I'm like, "Jesus!"
Just-- Fuck this trauma, I was always…
'Cause Lithuania--
When we think of Europe, we think of rich countries. No.
In Lithuania, they are poor-poor.
And you're just like, "Guys…" [tuts]
'Cause I grew up in South Africa a specific way.
'Cause I grew up in South Africa…
my brain made poverty and suffering synonymous with Blackness.
Which is a crazy thing, which I'm trying to unlearn as well.
But when I'm in Lithuania, I see people starving on the street sometimes.
Instead of helping, giving the person, uh, some money,
my brain just goes, "You're white, get your shit together."
[audience laughs]
"Come on, man.
Get your shit together.
If I had an eighth of your whiteness,
I'd be taking over the world. Come on!"
You know what I mean?
That's how the brain works. The brain is a very peculiar thing.
Like, the brain just connects dots that make no sense sometimes, right?
For instance, if you were rolling with ten gay dudes,
the whole day, you guys are having a good time,
and all they drink the whole day is cream soda,
your brain goes, "Gay people love cream soda."
That's what your brain says.
That's stuck in your brain now. "Gays and cream soda."
[audience laughs]
You're 60 years old, your grandchildren are like,
"What do you know about homosexuality?"
"Cream soda, like this. They love cream soda!"
"Those people love cream soda."
"Are you sure, Grandpa?" "Yes, love it. Love it.
Once upon a time in 2020, I saw them cream soda-ing the whole day."
I remember when I-- I remember before I even met white people,
the first thing I thought of white people is they don't finish breakfast.
That's the only--
'Cause every time on TV, they would not finish their breakfast.
They'd be like, "Mommy, I gotta go." You'd be like, "Finish man, shit!"
That's how the brain works, is what I'm telling you.
When I first went to school with white kids,
white people blew my mind. I couldn't believe--
All the shit that white people, my brain--
Like, I remember I had a friend, Seth Langley,
and Seth Langley was eating a tuna sandwich.
A tuna sandwich.
Right? I couldn't believe, 'cause tuna was a thing of Christmas in my life.
This guy, first--
[audience laughs]
First break, tuna.
Fuck.
Casual-casual. Not even…
Not even extra enjoyment. Just… [chomping] Casual.
Casually eating tuna on a Tuesday morning, I couldn't believe.
My brain was blown away. I was asking stupid questions.
Questions like, "So, so, have you been saving…"
[audience laughs]
"…have you been saving this sandwich since December?"
He's like, "No, my mother made it this morning."
"This morning?" "Yes."
I'm like, "Jesus Christ.
So, you mean, at your house right now, right now--
You mean at your house now, there's tuna?"
He's like, "Yes." I said, "I'm coming over."
You know these people are ri--
Yo, dude, I live in, like, a… a 60-square-meter house.
These people live in the ma--
They had a basketball court, and a tennis court,
6 driveways, I couldn't believe it.
It blew my mind and we're there, and Seth Langley's parents are like,
"You don't have to… you don't have to call me Mr. Langley."
His dad.
"You don't have to call me Mr. Langley. You can call me David."
I said, "No, my brother, I'm going to call you Mr. Langley.
'Cause one day, I will call you David,
my mother'll be there, she'll look at me like…"
-[audience laughs] -"He said I could. He said I could."
Your mother didn't hear that shit. "Don't talk like that to old people."
So, I'm at Seth's house.
I'd never seen a house this big.
I'd never been inside a house this big in my entire existence.
This house was amazing.
We're playing PlayStation, everything is cool…
No, it wasn't PlayStation, it was Sega Genesis at the time.
And at night, Seth Langley's like, "Let's play hide and seek."
Yo!
I couldn't be-- I didn't even know you could play hide and seek indoors.
Indoors!
Hide and-- Hide and seek indoors!
You know what I'm-- I grew up in a tiny house.
What do you mean, indoors? You can't play hide and seek in--
"I see you in the kitchen, get the fuck out."
"There's no… Are you crazy?"
I'm at this house.
I'm super excited to be at this house.
And I'm super excited to play hide and seek,
and I run off to hide. I don't even know where I'm running.
This house is big. I was lost in the house.
You know when you're lost, you're like, "What the hell is going on?
'Cause in six hours, no one has found me."
Now, you're just hiding, you're like, "Mmm."
They found me eventually, but the way they found me was,
you know back in the day, you just remembered people's numbers.
So, I found a phone in the house…
and I just dialed. I said, "Hey, guys, uh, I'm lost."
"I'm here, but I'm not here."
[audience laughs]
And they were like, "What's around you?"
"I see… I see books. I see books and a statue of a dog."
"Ah, you're in the other study."
"Yes, come get me, please. Come.
Send a search party, please."
-[audience laughs] -[Gola laughs]
When I was in school, I had my friend.
Seth… Seth Langley was my boy.
Like, he was my boy-boy.
He was my fucking boy.
We'd get into trouble, then my mom would go,
"If Seth Langley jumps into a fire, are you also jumping into a fire?"
I'm like, "Yeah, why would I leave my friend… lonely in the fire?
Now he's burning alone. What the fuck?"
[chuckles]
This one time, Seth Langley says to me… [laughs] Seth Langley says to me,
"Loyiso, let's blow up some shit."
When someone says blow up some shit, you're not thinking actual shit.
No, this guy was talking actual feces.
So, I'm like, "Shit, this is crazy. Okay, tell me more about this plan."
"Loyiso, I've been shitting in this briefcase for a week, brother."
"What?"
"I've been eating fiber.
It's flowing out there.
I've got poop in the briefcase."
"Where's… where's the poop now? Where is it?"
"The back of the school. I've got the poop ready."
"Okay.
What… what… what is my…
what is my involvement?"
"Listen, Loyiso,
I want you… I want you to take the briefcase full of poop,
put firecrackers in the poop,
light the poop in the playground where the kids are playing
and let it explode and fuck up everyone's day."
I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah"
"That is a fantastic idea. Let's do it."
My only concern is, I didn't know how far I had to be…
[chuckles]
…when the poop is exploding, to be out of harm's way, you know?
'Cause you must remember, this is '96.
They had never done this on Mythbusters.
Some of you don't know Mythbusters. It's a show on Discovery Channel,
and the whole point of the show is to debunk or confirm myths.
Could be a physiological myth,
could be a scientific myth, it could even be just a saying.
You know that saying, "As clumsy as a bull in a china shop."
You know that saying?
In one episode, they took a bull and put it in a china shop,
and the bull didn't break a thing.
The bull was like, "I'm the first bull in my family on TV."
[audience laughs]
"Why am I embarrassing my people?"
"Why?
Why?
We just made it onto the cap of the Chicago Bulls."
[audience laughs]
"Now you want us to fuck with…"
Mm-mmm. [chuckles]
It's crazy. If you go online, go Google that.
Mythbusters, bull in a china shop.
So…
Fucking-- The whole place is covered in poop. I'm telling you.
Everybody's covered in shit. Like, covered-covered in shit.
Everybody's covered in shit. It was quite a crazy thing.
Covered in shit.
Here's the thing, if the whole… if the whole school's covered in poop,
school is over.
You can't go to maths casually.
Choir, rugby, it's over!
Parents are getting calls. "Come pick up your child."
"Why?" "No, he's covered in shit.
Everyone. In fact, I'm covered in shit as well.
As I'm talking, I've covered in shit."
So, me and Seth Langley get kicked out of school,
'cause upon investigation,
they kick us out of school.
They sent me to a school in Athlone.
Seth goes to another private school.
You know those private schools for delinquents?
You know those ones? They're expensive.
The school is like, "You know how your child is, give us extra."
You know, like, "I'm at a private school."
"Yeah, but not… really-really."
You know those. So, he goes to one of those.
I go to, like, a school in… in Rylands,
which is a predominantly Muslim community,
which is another world for me.
Because there, it's on-on. It's like, yeah, no, it's Muslim…
It's not a madrassa. I don't know if you guys…
A madrassa is a school where they teach the teachings of Islam and the Koran.
No, that's not a madr-- It's a school in a Muslim neighborhood
that just teaches you regular shit like maths and English.
You know? That's what it is. It's not a madrassa.
I don't want people going, "You went to a madrassa." No. I didn't.
I didn't-- I still want to run for American presidency.
[chuckling]
I did realize when I was at that very young age…
that I was always learning different things,
and when I think about it, I think I learned a lot
just by this ability to adapt to all these different situations I was in
as a young person.
I was living in the township, school with Muslim kids,
I was with white kids, so culturally I was in touch with what everyone was up to.
For me, that's the biggest learning. I learned so much at that school.
Like, do you guys know about istinja?
Heard about istinja? Istinja?
Said-- He knows. They know exactly what I'm talking about!
Istinja. Have you-- In the Middle East, ever been--
They have, like, a little tap on the side.
It's… it's to-- After you've wiped, you… you clean with water.
It's called istinja. It's very common in the Middle East.
It's encouraged in the Koran, it's a very common thing.
That's what you do.
So, sometimes you even use a bottle, whatever, and you clean further.
So, this… this-- My first day of school.
I was-- First day of school, I was, um…
I was asking the teacher, "Ma'am, can I go to the bathroom?"
She's like, "Yes," and… [chuckles]
she gives me this bottle, no instructions, no manual, no nothing.
She just hands me this.
I'm in the bathroom with this thing, drinking.
[audience laughs]
Like, it's a bit salty but culturally we're learning new things.
[audience laughs]
I'm not at a mad-- I'm at school, but this is crazy,
because… right next to the school, there's a mosque.
Right? And the mosque, the adhan goes off every day without fail.
The adhan goes off. Do you guys know what the adhan is?
You guys are a bunch of nasaras. [laughs]
He knows what I'm talking about. Nasaras means heathens.
Anyway, in the Muslim community, that joke destroys!
[audience laughs]
They're like, "That's our guy."
But…
So, right next to the school, there's a mosque and the adhan goes off.
The call for prayers.
[praying in Arabic]
[repeats prayer in Arabic]
That's… I know it very well.
[audience laughs]
[Gola chuckles] Um…
That's the call for prayer.
If you're a practicing Muslim, if the adhan goes off,
you're supposed to stop whatever you're doing
and observe the call for prayer.
You could be in an exam, writing.
Killing the paper.
Maths paper too, killing.
Adhan goes off, you stop.
I get that. This one time, I'm fighting this guy, Walid.
[audience laughs]
Walid is beating the shit out of me.
Out of nowhere, the adhan goes off.
Walid stops.
Did I not murder Walid?
[audience laughs]
Oh, I fucked him up, like, thoroughly. Fucked him, fuck…
Kicked him in the neck.
I beat the shit out of Walid.
Why would I not fuck him up? His own god was like, "Your turn.
Your chance, fuck him up back."
And I remember even, like, during the 9/11 times, you know,
they would be like, "These Muslims are coming to terrorize us!"
Then you're like, "Muslims? These ones? No, these are the friendliest people."
"Fahid is coming to bomb what? Fahid?
"No, Fahid just wants a zol." [laughs]
"He just wants a blunt and a samosa, he is fine.
There's no way, Shahid is blowing… No."
It was weird because I didn't have that connection to Islam.
I didn't think of Islam as horrible.
I was like, "These people, friendly. These are friendly people."
You know, I kind of got involved with their culture.
My favorite thing about Islam is they bury you immediately.
With Muslim people, you… you…
You die today, one o'clock,
6:00, gone, gone, gone.
I feel if you're Muslim and you go to the hospital,
the doctor goes, "You have 24 hours to live,"
on the 23rd hour, your friends are going, "Muhammad, get in the box."
[audience laughs]
"You're going to die, my friend, get in."
So, I finished school, and I continued with my life,
Seth Langley lives his life as well.
Three years ago, recently,
he gives me a call, says, "Loyiso, I'm getting married.
I would like you to be one of my groomsmen."
I go, "Okay, cool, cool, cool.
You have my blessing.
I approve. But…
this person you're getting married to,
did you tell them once upon a time in your life,
you blew up some poop?"
He goes, "No, Loyiso.
Love conquers everything, brother."
I said, "No, love doesn't conquer poop.
You have to tell this person.
The person has to make the decision with all the information on the table."
He goes, "No, Loyiso, that's all behind us. That stuff's done.
There's a new me now. That-- I was a teenager."
I said, "No, brother, for you to blow-- To think it's acceptable to blow up poop,
there's something… there's something that's not clicking right.
You need to unpack that thing
for you to move forward."
He goes, "You're overthinking this."
I said, "I'm not, but I'll be at the wedding. No problem."
The plan was to have a bachelor party and then a wedding,
and these, uh, these events are separated by a week,
so one weekend is the bachelor party, the next weekend is the… the wedding.
Cool. I fly from Johannesburg,
'cause the wedding and party are in Cape Town. I get to Cape Town.
Great.
I land. I'm staying at my mom's house.
Everything is great, cool. I haven't seen my mom in a while.
We catch up. Everything is cool. She cooks something nice.
I change into the shirt, put on cologne.
I'm going to the bachelor party, it's gonna be fun.
Get to Seth Langley's house.
The whole room, drugs, tequila.
What's with white people and tequila? Guys, come on!
Tequila.
All kinds of drugs. I'm like, "Guys, I… I'm not into…
I don't want to do drugs. No, man."
"Loyiso, stop being a fucking pussy and just try some."
-[audience laughs] -[Gola sighs]
I'm like, "Okay, cool. I'll… I'll try some.
Uh, I'll try… I'll only try something that I've never tried."
He's like, "Loyiso, we got a bit of ecstasy."
I'm like, "I've tried."
"We've got…" "Yeah."
"What is that?"
"That's acid." I said, "Cool. I'm going to try."
Whoa, what?
[audience laughs]
Yo, acid, I am fucking tripping!
If you've never tried acid, it makes you hallucinate.
You see things that aren't there.
So, I've got a request. If there's an acid manufacturer in the room today…
[audience laughs]
…I have one request.
Can we all see the same thing?
[audience laughs, applauds]
Other people are seeing penguins, I'm seeing pigs.
Pigs flying across the room. Like, "What's going on?"
"A pig just flew." "No, that was a penguin."
I'm like, "No."
Now we're arguing over stupid shit. Like, this is crazy.
They're like, "We're gonna call an UberVAN.
We're gonna jump into the UberVAN."
This big Uber truck, and we're gonna go to the bachelor party.
I said, "Cool, cool, cool."
As the UberVAN arrives, I am so high, in my brain, this is a submarine.
I'm like, "Beautiful.
What a stylish way to travel. What…
You know the touch. Seth Langley, I love the touch. I love it."
-[audience laughs] -[Gola laughs]
You know, now, in the… in the Uber,
my brain is going, "Why do I not have the submarine option on my Uber app? Why?
These white people are hiding things from us again. Why?"
-[audience laughs] -[Gola laughs]
I'm-- Guys, I'm finished.
You know when you're like, "Woo-hoo, I'm tripping."
Pigs are flying across, we get to the strip club.
I don't particularly like strip clubs. The reason I don't is the same reason--
You know when you're driving outside of a major city,
like outside Cape Town, and you're going to another city,
and in-between the cities, there's like this beautiful nature?
You leave and you're like, "Oh my God, nature,
trees, mountain, cows, springbok, all kinds of animals."
And it's beautiful, and it's such scenery.
And you're like-- Your trip is five hours, right?
The first 45 minutes, you're enjoying all of it. "Oh, my word."
Then after an hour, you're like,
"Fuck this nature. I need to get to Durban."
-[audience laughs] -[Gola laughs]
You're like, "I don't give a shit about nature."
We-- That's how I feel in the strip club.
"I've seen your titties, do something else.
Juggle, juggle, something.
Grab two balls. Grab… grab the bottles and juggle.
Your titties are not impressive anymore. That's how I feel."
So, anyways, I'm so goofed. I'm so goofed, right?
I'm so goofed that as the strippers are walking up and down,
in my brain, I'm like,
they look like they're full-on pigs.
I'm thinking, "Pork chop number one, pork chop number two, pork chop…"
They're dancing all over.
At some point, some… some conflict happened.
So, I don't know what's happening. Some guy next to us, with his friends,
starts yelling at one stripper.
I come to the stripper's defense. I go, "Hey, man! Stop yelling at this pig!"
She's like, "Who you calling a pig?"
[audience laughs]
She flips out. "Who you calling a pig?" Calls the bouncer, bouncer kicks me out.
I'm like, "No, I'm high.
You look like a dolphin."
They kick me out and I'm outside, and he kicked the other guy as well.
Now, me and this other guy who were involved are standing outside.
This guy wants to fight.
I don't want to fight this guy,
'cause I'm… I'm 37 years old.
Right? If he elbows me in the eye, that shit will heal in six months.
[Gola laughs]
Like, when you're old, they punch you, now you have a blue eye for six months.
You know how fucking stupid that is? Or they kick you…
For six months. No, I don't want that shit.
Also, I just don't like this idea of being a tough guy all the time.
'Cause women… You know what? Fucking women…
I call my women friends, like, "What are you up to?"
"I'm just going to drink champagne and cry."
"What?"
"Sit at home, drink champagne and cry."
I'm like, "I… I want to do that."
[audience laughs]
"I want… I want to drink champagne and cry."
Why is it only allowed for you guys to drink champagne and cry?
I want to drink champagne and cry, too. Why?
So I envy you for that. That's a…
I envy you. You can be like, "I'm just going to sit here and…"
Men, we're supposed to be tough all the time.
I'm like, "No, I don't want to be tough all the time, it's exhausting."
This guy wants to fight me,
he wants me to be tough, to stand my ground.
I'm like, "I'm not involved, really."
He's trying to taunt me, "Your mother's a whore!"
I'm like, "My mother's 60, there's no way she's a whore.
My mother can't even stand a cold breeze from a cracked window.
There is no way that person is standing in the middle of the night
in a street corner, mini-skirt, selling pussy."
"I'm not offended, 'cause your insults are factually incorrect."
[laughter, applause]
Now the guy is losing his mind. He's like, "Fuck you! Fuck you!"
"I fucked your mom." "Leave that person alone."
"Listen, you are a good-looking person in your 30s,
you should be doing way better than my mom."
"As far as I'm concerned, my mom got the better end."
[audience laughs]
"I should just go home and high five her. I should."
It's crazy.
This guy's still trying to fight me. I'm like, "Dude, just let it go."
He jumps me. His friends come out and they start punching me,
and I'm on the floor, and I'm lying there.
And as soon as the dudes I'm rolling with come out, they run off.
Then my white friends are like, "Let's call the police!"
I was so envious of white people and their relationship with the police.
I was like, "Shit, man."
You know, Black people, police are not option one.
Option five, six.
Option one is, "Do I have a cousin that could kill this motherfucker?
Do I have a cousin that's willing to go back to jail for me? For me?
Which one of my cousins loves me enough
to kill this motherfucker and do another 18 years for me, for love?"
That's option one for Black people.
Now I'm standing there outside the club and they've beaten… Dude, I'm--
I'm-- My nose is bleeding, my shirt is torn.
I'm like, "I need to go home."
"Loyiso, come on. The night's still young. Stop being a fucking pussy."
You know the thing about dudes--
Women, lemme tell you, dudes are such morons.
A guy you know when you were 12 to the age of 18,
they can convince you to do anything.
Ever seen dudes when they meet their teenage friends?
It's like, "Ah, my nigga!"
"This is a board meeting." "Yeah, but that's my nigga though!"
"That's my nigga though."
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean?
So, they can convince you to do anything.
You're like... [talking gibberish]
It's crazy.
So, now he's like, "Loyiso, stop being a fucking pussy, let's go!"
"Ah, fuck, okay. Where are we going?"
"I got a friend around the corner. He's got some weed.
Gonna put some clothes on you, going to go to another party, brother."
"Fuck. Okay, cool. Let's go."
I get the-- I should have never touched that weed.
Have you ever smoked… Hey, guys.
Cape Town people, you know those dudes with the long beards?
You know those hipster guys? Don't touch their weed, guys.
That will fuck you up. You know people who take coffee too serious?
[audience laughs]
Don't touch their shit.
This guy was like, "Loyiso, brother. Nice to meet you, my brother.
I was in Ethiopia at the Lalibela temples, brother, studying the coffee."
I'm like, "Get a real job."
[chuckles]
I smoked some. You ever smoked that weed?
You go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the face.
The weed goes, "Go look at yourself in the mirror, quickly."
Then, when you get to the mirror, your brain goes, "Act normal. Act normal."
[audience laughs]
Now, you're like, "When I get there, I'm going to be normal.
That's the weed. So, I smoked this weed…
and I'm like, "Oh, man, this is crazy. I'm high as shit."
But we're going to the next party. Next party.
Okay. We get to the next party. It was on the 17th floor.
You ever been in an elevator where you come in one side,
but you have to exit the… other side?
We are so high, my brother, we are so high
that we came in this side, we want to leave this side.
We're all waiting for this side to open. it's not opening. We're like, "Ahh."
This side, people are coming in and out.
But we're hearing fuck all. Nothing.
Eventually, someone taps me on the shoulder. "Are you guys okay?"
I turn around. I'm like, "When the fuck did you get in?"
He's confused. I'm confused. I'm like, "Oh, my word."
So, the elevator gets to the 17th floor.
The doors open. Pow!
Wonderful party.
It's a wonderful party.
Soon as I step out, I look around.
I realize I'm the only Black person at the party.
Know what happens to Black people when they're the only Black People?
They go from being Flavor Flav to Nelson Mandela like this.
They go from "Yeah, boy!" to… [imitates Mandela] "Hello, everybody."
[audience laughs]
"Ah, this is a very dangerous environment.
Anything can happen, they are going to blame me.
I will be in the corner, best behavior.
Best behavior, in the corner over there."
That's how you act. You just know! A glass is missing, everyone's looking…
"Hey! I'm here for a good time too, motherfucker."
So, now, Seth Langley goes, "Hey, Loyiso,
I'm going to go to the bar, get us some drinks.
You just find us some chairs."
I said, "Okay, cool. I'll go find us some chairs."
I look around. I don't find any chairs.
He comes back with drinks. He's upset.
He's like, "Where are the chairs?"
"Seth, I couldn't…
I couldn't find… I couldn't any chairs, man. I'm sorry."
Right next to us, eight white women are dancing.
Off-rhythm. Off-off!
Off. So off.
Which is such a weird stereotype for me.
Stereotypes are weird. They don't make sense.
We need to unpack these stereotypes, 'cause that--
Like, stereotypes that white people can't dance,
stereotypes like Black people can't swim.
[mutters]
It doesn't make sense.
None are genetically predisposed to these things.
So when I hear white people going, "I can't dance to save my life."
I'm like, "Know what? You're fine."
You will never have to dance to save your life.
[audience laughs]
But when Black people go, "I can't swim to save my life."
I'm like, "You know, that's a problem. That's a health…"
[audience laughs]
"That's, uh…"
[laughter, applause]
"That's a health and safety issue. That's…
You need to sort that out."
Those stereotypes make no sense.
These eight white women are dancing off-rhythm.
First, I'm not going to make fun of white people
for their inability to dance without helping.
We're trying to build a country here, so I will help.
White people. [clears throat]
Each song…
has many instruments to dance to.
[audience laughs]
Choose one.
Just choose one fucking--
Choose that instrument. Commit, commit.
If you say, "Hey, I've committed to the piano from the beginning,"
choose piano from beginning to end.
Don't go, in the middle of the song, go, "The bass sounds amazing."
Fuck the bass. Commit to the piano.
That's how you find yourself off-rhythm. Midway, off-rhythm.
I've been on floors with white people where I'm like, "Is this the remix, or…?
Are they listening to their own music? What the fuck?"
So, anyway, these women are dancing.
Right next to them, there are eight chairs.
Seth Langley walks over, and on the chairs, they've got bags.
He walks over, grabs the bags, goes, "Are these your bags?"
"Yeah."
He goes, "Can I take these bags
and put them on two chairs and take the rest?"
Uh, they go, "Yeah."
Takes all the chairs, brings them over,
looks at me and goes, "Why couldn't you have done that?"
Then I go, "Done what?"
He said, "That."
I'm like, "You want me, as the only Black person here,
to walk over to eight white women and grab their bags? Are you…
You have no consideration for my health."
[audience laughs]
"That-- No!"
He's like, "Why are you always bringing race into the thing?"
I said, "In your mind, you're thinking, how can you not see the chairs?"
No, you're wrong. I saw the chairs.
It's just, the option did not appear.
Not even Barack Obama would think of that motherfucking option.
No Black person just walk-- We just know how society views us.
Our brains are like, "The SWAT team will open the roof."
What the fuck? No way. There's no…
So I'm trying to explain. "There's no way I would have done that."
"No, Loyiso.
Always bringing up race."
I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause that's how the world is."
It's bizarre. I'm like, "How does he not understand this shit?"
How does my friend not understand that the world treats us differently?
Such a hard thing to explain white privilege,
specifically to white people.
Or a room just full of people, not everyone gets it.
I'll try. This is my attempt trying to explain white privilege.
White privilege is starting a band…
and calling it The Killers.
-And everyone goes, "Yeah, great band." -[audience laughs]
Then the Grammys invite- If there was a Black band called The Killers,
there's no fucking way those people are playing at the Grammys.
When a Black-- Black bands have to think outside the box for their name.
"What do we call ourselves?" "Earth, Wind & Fire."
[audience laughs]
"What do you mean?" "Yeah, we're just not The Killers.
The Killers is limiting."
So, now, I'm high. I'm so high. This guy's arguing about race.
I'm like, "I don't want to argue, you're killing my high. Can I go home?"
"I'll see you at the wedding." Boom, I get out.
But now I go to McDonald's. The reason I go to McDonald's:
it's 24 hours, I get to sit there until my high is calm,
'cause I don't want to get home high. Then the high is ruined.
'Cause I've done that shit before. You get home, you're high as a kite.
Right, you get-- Now, you've forgotten the alarm code.
The alarm is going off.
Instead of trying to switch off the alarm, what are you doing?
Dancing to the tune of the alarm.
Your mother's waking up. "What are you doing?"
You're like, "Did you not hear this one?"
[humming]
So, that's why I don't get home high.
I get-- Eventually, I get home.
Well, I call… I call a Uber and… I call a Uber.
But I'm like, "I came here in style.
Let me call a submarine."
[audience laughs]
So, I check. I'm like, "It's not available."
So, I call a regular Uber. "Regular Uber, that's fine. That will do."
Then the guy, the regular Uber arrives. I go, "Hey, man,
I noticed that you guys, on my particular app…"
[audience laughs]
"You guys don't have the…
How do I… How do I get the submarine
to… to come pick me up?"
The guy says…
The guy looks at me casually and goes,
"Just upgrade your software, man!"
[audience laughs]
And I go, "Okay, okay, okay."
[laughter, applause]
I go, "Okay, okay, sure, sure."
So, I get home. When I get home, my mom is getting ready to go to church.
She wakes up and starts preparing the food that she's going to cook after church.
She wakes up mad early. I get home, it's 6:00 in the morning.
My mom is there and she's looking at me like,
"Where's the shirt you were wearing?"
I'm like, "Oh, shit. I didn't have a story for this. Uh…
No, at Seth Langley's house, pizza fell on me. All over me.
Had to take off the shirt."
"What happened to your eye and your nose? Why is there blood coming out…"
I said, "You know, I tripped and I fell."
I can't tell her the truth.
"I fought someone who said they had sex with you.
I should be the one who's asking questions at this point.
You have a lot of explaining yourself."
But I can't tell her that. I got to stick to my story.
"Pizza. Pizza. There was pizza all over my chest."
"I spilled pizza…" [laughs]
"…and I tripped and I fell."
And she's looking at me, she's slicing a carrot, going, "Okay."
You know, "Okay. Tell us more."
And I'm like, "Yeah, because while carrying the pizza…"
That is how Black people listen to white people
when you tell history.
-We're like, "Okay, tell us more." -[audience laughs]
[applause]
"Okay, exploring, exploring. Okay, okay.
Exploring. Okay.
Okay. Civilized. Civilized, you were. Okay.
Uncivilized. Okay."
It's crazy.
I was-- When I moved to… When I moved to the UK,
when I-- Well, when I first started going to the UK, like, five years ago,
I went on this app called Bumble and, um…
I was meeting people online, which is cool,
and I met with this Spanish girl, this Spanish woman. She was great.
We texted and then, eventually, we met.
We met up, and when we met up,
um, we were chilling on a date,
and the date wasn't going great, wasn't bad, it was a date.
You know how dates are. Trying to… uh, uhh.
Everyone's kind of tense until-- And it gets looser and looser.
At some point in the day, she tells me she's from Granada.
I'm like, "I know a little bit of history about Granada."
And I tell her, I'm like, "Granada is the last place where the Moors
fought the Spanish the final time--
For the final time for the Spanish to get their independence,
and that's how Spain was freed."
She was like, "What are you talking about?"
I said, "Spain used to be run by a bunch of niggas for 700 years."
"What do you mean?" She had never heard of this.
She was hearing this for the first time.
Kind of like some of you.
[audience laughs]
Crazy. I'm explaining to her. Like, "When did this happen?"
"From the 7th century to the 14th century, Spain was called al-Andalus."
She just-- She just couldn't believe it.
She was, like, calling me a liar. I was like, "What the fuck?"
This is some peculiar shit to be lying about.
I'm not a history teacher. I don't give a fuck.
Had I known this would have cost me some pussy, I'd have kept it to myself.
I'm not trying to s-- I don't give a fuck. I don't care.
Then I thought, "Why would she be upset about historical fact?"
Then I realized white people have been told all their lives
that they gave you everything. That's what it means to be white.
You walk around going, "Speakers, that's me.
Ice cream. That will be us, thank you."
[chuckles]
"Candles! That's us too, thank you."
I have… I have my Indian friend Rabin.
My Indian friend Rabin, I called Rabin, I said, "I'm running a bit late.
Yoga went a little over today. Ah, give me a second. I'll be there."
He says, "Loyiso, yoga? You're always doing white people things."
I said, "No, Rabin. You're Indian, that's your shit!
That's-- Yoga is your-- Don't let white people trick you!"
[audience laughs]
"That's your shit!"
The truth is, some of our best advances as human beings are not from white people.
The first people to write were not white, the first people…
The first people to, um, study astrology were not white people,
the first to do maths were not white people.
Even the technology that gives white people their biggest advantage
in the last 500 years, which is gunpowder, was not invented by white people.
Gunpowder was invented by the Chinese, and when the Chinese invented gunpowder,
it was for fireworks and blowing up poop like civilized people.
[audience laughs]
I think, uh… I think we need to… I think we need to un--
I think Black people need to unlearn your inferiority complexes,
'cause you can live your life thinking that you've never contributed.
[applause]
'Cause you can…
Because you can live your life just believing you never contributed
to human civilization, which is not true.
Everyone has contributed at different times.
Um, white people, you need to unlearn your superiority complexes.
And I talk about it so loosely, like it's an easy thing to do.
It's not an easy thing to do, it's quite like--
It's a lot of work, you have to apply yourself.
You got to want to do it.
And my biggest inspiration for wanting to unlearn is my mom.
My mom was born in 1959.
In the height of aparth-- Like, just the most horrible time to… to exist.
My mom was a straight-A student.
And my mom was raised by, um, two parents.
My grandmother was illiterate, didn't know how to read and write,
so some of our bonding time with my grandmother
was me reading her letters.
So, she'd keep these letters and I would read them for her
as part of our bonding time.
And the thing is, she always used to say…
[speaking Xhosa]
Which is, "Close your ears so you don't hear what's in the letters."
So, I would read the letter like this.
I would read, but before the end, at the end of the letter,
I would add my own agenda.
[audience laughs]
Like, "When making a peanut butter and jam sandwich,
can you please put the jam on top?"
Which would confuse my grandma,
'cause she'd be like, "Why is the municipality…
telling me how to make sandwiches?"
Apartheid was-- I don't think people understand how hectic apartheid was.
I know people now are arguing for equal opportunity.
You realize that shit wasn't even a thing.
You could be in grade ten, studying. What are you studying for?
Because legally, you can't be the thing-- You can't be an astronaut.
You can't. You can't. It's like, imagine going to high school,
and in your brain somewhere,
they're like, "You're not allowed to be this thing. It's against the law."
There was a guy who--
I don't know if you heard of this guy. He was ANC president… in 1950.
This guy was a surgeon.
He was one of the few qualified-- Google him, James Moroka.
He was a qualified surgeon.
But he wasn't allowed to operate.
He studied in Venice, studied in Edinburgh.
He was one of the most qualified doctors in the country.
Wasn't allowed to operate. So, that's what it meant to be Black.
It meant even if you had this shit, even if you had the--
The law limited you.
Even if you're studying--
Now, you're like, "I don't know what I'm going to become."
Then it was like, "Yeah, you can want.
Want is one thing. By law, fuck you."
So, it was a hard thing. In 1978, she finished with high school,
and then she tried to, um, go into university.
That didn't work out. In 1983, she had me. You know what kids do.
Fuck your shit up.
Kids! Oh, they'll fuck your shit up.
You're having a good time, kids are like, "Stop it."
[audience laughs]
"All of it, stop it now.
I've just shat myself.
I need attention now."
I don't want kids. Fuck kids. Know how much I don't?
I'm wearing a condom right now.
[audience laughs]
That's how much I don't want kids. I'm like, "Forget about it."
What? No.
People will try to trick you. "They're such a blessing."
[laughs] I've seen you at the airport trying to check in with your blessing.
[audience laughs]
Your blessing thinks they can enter a plane without a boarding pass.
Your blessing has fucked up ideas about life.
My mom had me. My mom raised me and my brother.
Raised us.
We both moved out of the house.
She worked at the bank for 26 years,
then she went back to university, like she'd always intended.
At the age of 58, which is three years ago,
she graduated with a degree.
-Yeah. Crazy. -[applause, whistling]
So, this… this show is…
this show is dedicated to her,
because she inspired me to unlearn,
and I hope she can inspire you to unlearn too and unpack yourself
and… do the things you really want to do and be able to interrogate yourself.
That's the show. Thank you very much. You guys have been amazing.
[applause, cheering]
For those of you who are interested, some of you might not care,
but Seth Langley's getting divorced.
[audience laughs]
Of course, he's getting divorced. He's-- Of course.
What do you mean? He's getting divorced.
You don't fucking blow up poop and walk off into the sunset.
That's not how life works. You have to unpack that shit. Okay?
Let's unlearn, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, you guys have been fantastic.
[applause]
I gotta get out of here…
'cause my submarine is waiting.
Thank you.
["Black Divinity" by Zethu Mashika plays]