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What time is it?
I don't know, I just go by the sun.
Well... I go by my phone.
You know what would be great right now?
If only I could find the bloody thing...
A matcha latte.
Tell me I didn't lose it. Tell me I didn't lose my phone.
What about that café across the street?
You think they have it?
Why? Did you leave it there?
I don't know, you said it!
It's The Tea House right?
No!
Are you sure? It sounds right.
It's The Coffee House, okay.
And I'd be very surprised if they have matcha lattes. In fact...
They definitely don't do matcha lattes.
Guarantee it, I hundred percent guarantee it.
The Tea House. Best matcha lattes in Notting Hill. Fifty six reviews.
I just need to find my phone.
Can you get me one please?
Look, just a sec.
It's only across the street.
I think you can manage two minutes without Google Maps.
How about I make us some breakfast? That's something I can get behind.
It's too early for breakfast.
What do you mean, "it's too early for breakfast?" That's impossible.
It's not good to eat a meal within thirty minutes of waking up.
Y'know, you seem so laid back on the surface, but actually...
You're quite persistent.
Well thank you. That's one of my three energy stars.
It wasn't a compliment.
It got me here didn't it?
Aren't you going to ask me about my other energy stars?
I don't do astronomy.
They're understanding and compassion.
Those are the same thing!
Of course they're not. Understanding is knowing, compassion is feeling.
You should know that, aren't you an actor?
Didn't you see my last three films? I don't think I've acted in years.
I don't watch movies.
I just stand in front of a green wall and I repeat line after terrible line,
until my stunt double takes over.
I do that, day after day after day. Honestly, a monkey could do my job.
Oooh, check this out!
"Once saw Max Peters here...
He ordered a skinny cappuccino and was wearing the tightest little jeans.
Such a hottie!"
I don't order cappuccinos.
Well, she says you did.
And I say, I don't.
Why would she lie?
Because that's what the internet is.
It's built on lies, even the term web of lies comes from the World Wide Web.
You should look it up.
You sound really old when you say things like that.
So that's one matcha latte?
Yes, please! And a banana-nut-sugar-free muffin.
I thought you said it was too early for breakfast?
Muffins don't count.
Do you want me to come with?
No, I'll be back in a sec. You stay here.
The last thing I need is more attention.
Shit.
Hello?
Max! Don't leave your apartment, I'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
What the hell is going on?
In exactly ten seconds I want you to open the door to me and only me.
Ten, nine, eight, sev -
Shit.
Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
Blow it out your ass, Cindy!
Maxie. Maxie. Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright.
Come here, I'm gonna make it all better, alright? Don't panic, don't panic.
I'm here to help! Where's your phone, sweetie?
It's dead.
What the fuck are you doing?
What is the one thing I always told you?
The one thing I drilled into that tiny, little, beautiful brain of yours?
Don't talk politics?
Never take naked photos! Unless you consult me first.
Thanks to your utter stupidity,
the whole world is getting a front row seat to your shvonson.
Wide shots, medium shots, and you betcha,
an award-winning close-up that would make doves cry.
- Oh no. - I think we found your best angle.
How is this possible?
You got hacked! Consider it a compliment, people care what you do.
Say goodbye to privacy.
- I need a coffee. - What, this didn't wake you up?
I wanna see if I'm still dreaming.
If you were dreaming, I'd be twenty years younger,
and wearing a teenie weenie polka dot bikini. Sadly, you're awake.
But hey, look, so far we can contain this.
There really is no bad publicity.
Great! It's not working.
But boy do we need to get ahead of this information...
The one day I wanna use it!
We'll figure something out. Now listen--
These bastards aren't gonna get away with this!
Maxie! Forget about the coffee. Tell me what I need to know.
Tell you what?
All of it. And quick.
It's already out.
Is it?
What? My cock plastered all over the tabloids isn't enough for you?
Do you realize how delicate this situation is?
I mean, I mean, one wrong move and you're a flash in the pan.
Maxie? Maxie? Who's Maxie? Y'know!
No more magazine covers, no more first class travel...
No more love from your adoring fans.
Look, nobody's perfect, Maxie, not even you.
So if there is anything you need to tell me... now is the time.
Luce, there's nothing more to tell.
Max, what's your wifi?
Who the fuck is this?
- Who the fuck are you? - I am Peaches.
Oh, you're Peaches. She's Peaches, Max.
- I was just getting to that. - What? Slipped your mind?
When I ask you if you have anything else to tell me,
I expect Peaches to be at the top of the fucking list!
Now, for the last goddamn time, who the fuck is Peaches?
She's a friend.
- Good friend, I bet. - We met last night.
And here you are in the morning... the circle of life.
I will just get an Uber.
You're not going anywhere!
What are you doing? Hey!
It's for your own good!
Max! Do something!
He's done enough!
What's wrong with you? This is kidnapping!
You stay put, you hear me. You're on my shit list.
What is she, fifteen?
She happens to have three energy stars.
Stupid!
Fuck you!
Kids. Am I right?
Hey! Not inside.
Well do you have any vodka at least?
It's nine thirty in the morning.
Exactly. It's too early for this shit.
- What the hell is that? - Sophia bought it for me.
Well, get rid of it already!
Hey, Luce. There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.
Yeah, I'm a little busy, Max.
It's this new project I've been working on.
Hm-hm, one problem at a time, sweetie. Mommy needs her medicine.
We need to keep an eye on that girl. That a...
Peaches.
How do you know she's not some crazy fan, y'know?
You meet her last night, this kicks off in the morning.
She doesn't even watch movies.
Look, look. Sleeping in your bushes. Waiting day and night and then pounce!
She's practically a Buddhist.
Nah. I'm not taking any chances.
From now on, this apartment is on total fucking lockdown.
- Max! How could they?
Trying to destroy you with this, this garbage!
- Just come right in, Magda.
Don't look so glum.
Head up, shoulders straight, posture makes perfect.
Relax. It'll be fine, Magda.
Fine!? Don't be blind.
You never walk away from something like this. It could ruin you!
People will forget this by lunchtime.
People don't forget. People never forget.
Vultures! Every last one. Vultures, vultures, vultures.
Did I give you keys?
No.
Timothy did.
Speak of the devil!
Casper the not-so-friendly manager should be here any minute.
You look pale, are you sure you're alright? Doesn't he look pale?
Magda! The boy can handle a little dick pick.
What dick pick? There was a dick pick? Oh, you naughty boy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! What did you see?
A homophobic and racist rant.
You gotta be kidding me.
I've got it here.
Something about the gays and a large group of black people.
Just a moment!
Can I?
No. This is a recipe for plum tart.
It's very good actually, shall I sent it on?
Maybe later, Magda.
Okay, found it!
Max write, "What's up tonight?"
Shane says, "Going to my gay boss' wedding."
Max writes, "A party full of gay people, that should be fun."
Shane... "At least it's not full of black people!"
Hold on, I'm the good guy there! I'm the good guy, I'm not racist!
Then you said "Ha."
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said "Ha"? He said "Ha"?
Hm-hm. Then he wrote two smiley faces and a black person emoji.
Jesus Fucking Christ, Max!
Oh, c'mon, I've seen you write a thousand worse things.
We all have, but you got caught! So c'mon, out with it, I need it all.
You want a detailed account of everything on my phone?
Well, sorry, Luce, you fucking broke it!
You broke his phone?
Your computer!
Don't you touch my computer!
I'll touch what I like! Fuck. Maxie, what's your password?
I'm not comfortable with this.
Great. Now you decide to keep quiet.
Don't blame him! It's not his fault this happened.
Well, who am I supposed to blame?
Sophia.
Sophia!
Could we please not talk about her? Today's depressing enough already.
The crazy ex. It's always the crazy ex.
Ever since we broke up... I can't sleep, I can't work. It's been really tough.
Oh buck up, you big pussy.
Hey! Thanks, Luce, I thought you were my friend!
Fuck no. I'm your publicist.
I'm your friend, Max.
- Thanks, Magda. - How could we not see this earlier?
I mean she's a supermodel, for god's sake! Way to drop the ball.
I've been a little upset.
Well take a Xanax and wake up!
Sophia knows everything about you.
- And she hates him! - And she hates you!
- She doesn't hate me! - She does!
I'm still not over her, y'know.
You should be.
Why'd you break up with her again?
What does that matter?
It matters! We're trying to figure out if Sophia has a reason to be mad!
So c'mon, why'd you break up?
People break up, we broke up. I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
It was, it was just so many things.
Think, Max! This is important.
Is there any reason why Sophia might be just a little bit upset with you?
I mean, it's probably nothing. But...
I may have cheated on her.
- You asshole. - How could you?
- Look, it was just one time! - You think you know a guy!
You never told me you cheated. He never told me.
- That poor girl. - Poor girl? A second ago she was poison.
I should call her. Give me her number.
No one is calling Sophia!
That's rich. Coming from a cheat.
Did you ever stop to think how she might feel? I mean on a humiliation scale?
I feel awful, okay.
You just wait! Cause it's gonna get a whole lot worse.
Yeah, first it's just a few images, a few tweets, then it's your...
Character, your livelihood, it's all going down the drain, baby!
This is not gonna go away like a fart in the wind. Oh, no.
Sophia is not gonna quit until she's embarrassed you...
Like you've embarrassed her.
- Max? - Oh, no.
What?
Wh-what is it? Kissing? People kiss! So what, right?
Yes! People kiss.
Yeah.
Max?
Max, is it?
Is it more than kissing? Is it... touching?
Are you... touching each other? Are you touching yourself?
- We're touching. - You son of a bitch!
What did I tell you? Never fucking film fucking!
Pull yourself together!
I'm alright! It's okay! It's okay, it's alright.
- What is it? Are we screwed?
- No. Just another racist rant. - Okay.
Spread your legs, cause I'm coming in.
Doesn't anyone knock anymore?
Thank god!
Lucille, darling! Still ravishing enough to eat.
Magda.
Maxie the man of the hour! How are you holding up boy? Huh?
I hope you're making good use of this one's tongue...
After all, that's what we pay her for!
Did you give Magda my keys?
Whatever these two old hags have been telling you is nonsense.
We'll ride past this, just something to laugh about over a good pint.
I've seen a thousand scandals, and I've beat them all!
- There's a fucking sex tape. - Nailed it.
That bitch! I knew it was Sophia, didn't I warn you, boy, didn't I?
He cheated on her...
Oh boy! You're in for it now.
- Sorry, gotta take this. -
Yeah. And fuck off!
Oh boy...
Do you have a... do you have any whisky, boy? Huh?
Magda? Magda be a dear. Put those hands to good use, my neck is killing me.
How is this?
Oh Magda.
Whatever's got into you, I like it!
Your whisky.
Oh god, thanks, Maxie. Oh, what is that?
- Sophia gave it to me. - Yeah, makes sense.
Come here, boy.
Fucking Sophia, huh.
Mind you, I can't blame you. She was a firecracker.
You know we never, ah...
I know.
She tried it once, but I... I turned her down gently.
- Monkeyballs! He's trending.
What is it?
- Max Peters is a fascist! - Seriously?
Look. Someone posted a picture of Max in a Nazi uniform.
Well, that's pushing it.
They even gave him a little Hitler moustache.
And Sharon Stone just retweeted it.
Hashtag Max Peters is fascist. Hashtag tear his face off. Hashtag... giant ass?
This one is him as Castro.
Of course it is!
Y'know, Castro was a communist.
We need something new.
It won't be long.
- I just got another one!
No, Magda, we need something new on someone else!
If we have to take the dirt, we might as well dish it.
Beat them at their own game.
Look at your two. Thick as thieves. A real Bonnie and Clyde.
What can I say, Magda? When I'm good, I'm very good.
And when I'm bad... Oooh, I'm better.
So, Luce... what's the play?
We start a chum line.
Oh, fresh meat, I like it!
Yeah, what we need is someone simply reprehensible.
A disgusting and deplorable sexual deviant...
Who's very mention makes the skin crawl of every women in his presence!
Oh please.
I need three Viagras just to get it up. Nobody gives a rat's ass about me.
I couldn't agree more.
How about that guy at the BBC always pinching bums?
Not a chance.
Well everybody knows about...
Oh sure, sure, but he's untouchable.
How about...
He's dead.
Fucker!
Well, I guess we'll just have to make something up.
Well, who do you have in mind?
- George Clooney! -
Stories are only good if people believe them, Max.
Ok, fine, fine.
- Brad... - Don't say Pitt--
- Ley... - Don't say Cooper--
Hugh Grant!
He's a fucking client, you moron!
Maxie. Why don't you just go make some tea?
Two sugars.
And a dash of gin.
Tequila for me.
Y'know, we could, lean into this. Pull a Kardashian.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
- Aloha. - Darling, come in, come in.
Really? You gave Olya keys too?
Cheer up. One of these scripts will be your next franchise!
Everyone in London is here! Whatever happened to privacy?
It jumped out of your trousers at nine thirty this morning, pretty boy!
Here's your stimulant.
Oh thank you.
I don't know what I want to drink more. This latte... or you?
Are you really gonna take that?
I pee in his coffee.
Oh thatta girl.
Hey, Olya.
I really like what you've done with the place.
It has a great energy. Very relaxing.
Very... mantra-centric. Very Kurosawa.
Yeah, not today it isn't.
Not today. But still...
I can feel it.
Can I... do anything?
Actually. I would love a coffee.
I meant spiritually, Max.
Spiritually I'm... I'm okay.
Are you?
Hands off. Get your own fucking assistant!
Coffee isn't good for you anyway, Max.
It encourages stress and tension in the body.
You need to root yourself...
Immediately.
Would you listen to them?
You clearly can't wait to rip each other's clothes off.
Lips to lips, flesh to flesh.
Max is decently attractive, but I don't date actors.
Why? What's wrong with actors?
They're self-obsessed, insecure pods who take their emotions out on...
Whoever's closest.
And they're vain. Very vain. And I get it, you have to be.
Your job is based on your face, your hair,
your skin, your voice.
It's very fragile.
Your career, your beauty, your teeth...
Could all fall away at any moment.
Thanks, Olya, that will be all.
Make sure you walk Mindy before lunch.
She can be a right old bitch when she's hungry.
Yeah, well look at her owner.
Namaste.
God, she is such a dick.
Is that supposed to be a compliment?
Well, in my book it is.
In your book?
Would you like some tea, Magda?
None for me, Max. I'm not staying long.
- I want no part of this. -
Coulda fooled me. The way you barged in here like a dump truck on fire.
I'm here for moral support.
Oh you are, huh?
She said moral, you twit.
I'm going to the bathroom.
And the time is nine forty six.
And?
Nothing.
Except everyone will mark the moment you went into the toilet.
The clock, it is ticking.
Fine! I'll just wait. Sorry if it ruins your sick game.
Oh Magda, don't worry one bit. You're playing splendidly!
Such a beautiful language.
No one curses like the French.
The English aren't too bad.
Yeah, sure, sure. But after cunt, it really goes downhill.
What about knob?
Please. What are you, ten?
I quite like, twat.
Hm! Good. Very effective.
Yes, I suppose.
But nothing beats a good solid fuck.
Fuckster.
Fuckery. Fuckity fuck fuck!
Oui! Fuck you, cocksucker!
Fuck nugget.
- Motherfucker! - Fuck face.
Head fucker!
Fuck you!
I'm walkin' here.
And what the fuck was that?
Are you talkin to me? Are you talkin to me, because...
There's no one else here. It's just me.
Oh god...
No wonder he didn't get the bloody Scorsese film.
You're the one who wouldn't pay for dialect coaching. I told you.
He's already got a coach! You want another one, you pay for it.
Oh come on. Don't be so cheap.
Like I'm gonna listen to some washed-up acting coach.
In my days, Timothy,
I was one of the greatest actresses in Paris.
How much is that past glory costing me per hour?
Please.
You can't put a price on talent.
Oh really?
Cause that's exactly what I do.
And the time is nine fifty. It's almost too easy!
- What?
- What is it? - A mouse just scurried by.
A mouse? I've never seen a mouse--
- That's no mouse.
Not so fast, you bloody reporters!
You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. Is that what you want, huh?
The inside scoop?
Well go ahead and take a closer look, you cum-guzzling fucks!
Well, that oughta teach 'em.
-
- Oh, you idiot, you. - What, is it something I said?
Not you. You!
Oh God, what is it now?
Well, pretty boy, don't keep us in suspense!
How did your cock cock it up this time?
- They've got my emails. - All your emails?
Just his personal.
Oh yeah! Just my personal email account.
With my very personal, very private emails on it.
Oh thank goodness, you had me worried there.
So how about that tea, Maxie boy?
Get your own fucking tea.
Maxie boy. Come closer.
Listen.
Listen carefully.
It's bubbling Maxie boy. Bubbling just for you.
It's the sound of the primordial ooze from which all life was created.
From that ooze, crawled thousands, millions of creatures...
Crawling on their bellies like giant parasites.
But not all were created equal. No. No.
Some, were meant for greatness.
And those select few stood up... and walked.
Rising above the putrid ground below...
Ready to seize the Earth with an iron first.
And I, I, Maxie boy, am a caveman!
And I don't get my own fucking tea!!
Do you take sugar?
No.
Please be Russell Crowe naked in Times Square.
It's your office...
Hey, Jeannie.
No! No, no don't--
Mum, hi! Mum, of course I was gonna call.
Mum, I wanted to call, it's just been a-- it's been a really hectic morning.
I know it's been hectic for you too.
Oh, even worse.
No, no, that wasn't sarcastic.
Hi, Dad. I wasn't yelling.
I know she's upset, but how is that my fault?
I, I wasn't yelling!
What?
Oh, oh yeah, mum! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a sign from God!
Not one leaked email to my parents!
Yes!
Yes, I got your gingersnaps, they were delicious!
I got a yacht, you know?
In Nice.
Cost me four mil, and then some.
Rosewood gloss, a tiki bar,
and a steward who fucks like a cheetah.
So what?
So I'm here, aren't I?
I'm here, of all places! And you know why?
Because I'm trying to help you! Believe it or not.
Sophia really has it in for him.
If it was even her?
I thought we agreed it was.
Look, I just think at this point let's keep an open mind. It could be anyone.
Anyone?
In this room?
Well, uh, Timothy. You're not exactly a boy scout.
Please. What reasons would I have?
You're always grooming some hot young thing.
How do we know you're not tearing Maxie down
just in order to replace him with a newer model?
Sporting a higher price tag, no doubt!
Oh that is fresh. That is fresh coming from you.
Let's not forget who the real puppet master is!
- Please-- - Anything for a little bit of attention!
Right, Luce?
I bet you watch that video on a fucking loop, you dirty whore!
Timothy! Come on.
You're right, you're right.
We haven't even considered Magda!
That's out of line.
Is it?
I can see her.
Longing for the days when she was young,
and pretty, and... talented!
Maxie's on the way up, and she can't handle it. Can you, Magda?
That... is... enough.
- Dirty girl. - Lush.
- Hussy! - Perv!
Yes, please!
BBC news has just received exclusive footage
from inside Max Peter's apartment.
A warning if you have young children present,
this video contains coarse language and partial nudity.
You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. Is that what you want, huh?
The inside scoop?
Well go ahead and take a closer look, you !
Mr Fine was not available for comment.
- Ah, the good ol' Beeb. -
Ooh God. Oh, Kate's really let herself go.
- Winslet? - No, no, Middleton.
Y'know, I never could get the whole point of royalty.
It's like being a star without any of the fun.
Give me some Harry, any day.
I had a chance once, y'know.
What? Prince Harry? Piss off.
Vanity Fair party. Three years ago.
Oh, I bet he could hardly see you
through the wall of pussy surrounding him.
Granted it was smaller than the wall of bullshit surrounding you.
-
Hel-- Well, hello to you too.
Don't talk to me like that, young lady, your father's golfing.
No I'm not paying for an Uber, get a bus.
Then take the tube.
Well, then shoot yourself out of a cannon for all I care!
I could actually kill her.
Don't be ridiculous.
That's exactly what she wants. Then you'd really feel sorry for her!
And her father doesn't help anything. Such a pushover.
"Anything for you, darling, whatever you need sweetheart, I love you, angel!"
It's enough to make ya sick.
My father never loved me...
Every time there's a new iPad, or iPhone, or I don't give a fuck...
She's got it in her hands.
Cause God forbid, she'd have to actually interact with another human being!
Y'know! Although...
Did you see the video of the dog driving the car?
No, no, I saw a squirrel.
- No, no, no, no. This was a pug. -
It's wearing a little hat!
Oh Maxie, Maxie, come and have a look at this!
- Maxie!
What the hell are you doing?
He's trying to fucking off himself, that's what!
Ah, ah. No. No, no, no.
-
Relax. It's from Killing Man 2, the props guys let me keep it.
Oh yeah, Killing Man 2, "Even more killing." That was my tagline.
And you are holding a gun to your head, why?
Sympathy.
We take a photo, make it look like I might just do it.
Then one of you sends it to Sophia. If she's the leak, this'll make her stop.
Checkmate, Minxie, I like it!
- No! - No?
- No! - No.
This is bad, I mean, really bad publicity.
I thought you said there was no such thing.
- Figure of fucking speech! -
What is it now?
Max is live tweeting.
That's impossible!
And yet here we are.
So what's he saying now?
"I've been stuck up, vain, and uncaring for far too long.
I took those photos, I wrote those texts...
Because as a white male I can pretty much do whatever I want."
- She's got you there. -
"But I don't deserve what I have.
I've merely benefitted from the misfortunes of others."
"That's why I'm donating my entire salary to the Fair Play Fund."
- His entire salary? - My entire salary?
- Don't shoot!
You're in big trouble, young lady!
I'll deal with you later!
Just a moment...
Not bad, Casanova. Not bad.
I mean... a little young perhaps, but not bad.
Oh please, you've had younger.
You bet your arse I have.
What's the hold up?
Coming, dear!
So, this video, what are we talking about?
Is it a good ol' fashioned fuck, or is it something else entirely?
Are we talking, Chopstick Sandwich? Carolina Special?
Mashugana Friday! Oh come on, give me something!
Be a sport!
- We'll come back to this!
Here it comes. Colleen Atley, "Max Peters is getting what he deserves.
We worked together years ago, he was awful then and he's awful now."
Hashtag too little too late, hashtag Max Peters is a fascist, and so on.
It wasn't even me, she's thinking of Christian Bale.
Barista Bridget, "Orders coffee from me every day and never tips."
That's true.
Norine Booth says, you once pushed her on the bus?
- We were eight years old. - Women never forget!
German jackass. He wants to throw Max off the movie.
Off the movie?
Oh my God, it's happening. I'm being replaced.
No one is being replaced!
I am. It's happening. I can feel it all slipping away.
Don't do this! Not now, not now. Okay, okay. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I can't feel my arms.
Lucille, what do I do? I can't feel my arms!
Shut up. Just shut up!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Hashtag. Fuck. Cunt!
Tweet. And then, then, then suicide.
And then Peaches! And then racist! Sex tape!
Motherfaaa...
I can't swear. I can't feel my...
You. You did this.
- Lucille speaking.
You listen to me, and you listen good.
Max Peters is a lost soul in this ocean of lies we call a business.
You listen good. You lay witness.
You don't even blink baby because this is gonna be the year of Max Peters!
He is not only the greatest actor working today,
but the greatest actor of his generation! End fucking quote!
Come on.
We're going out there.
What? You said don't talk to the press, you said don't go outside no matter what.
Don't go outside without me. Now I'm ready. Ho ho ho, am I ready.
Luce, I'm not sure.
- Pussy! - Tyrant!
Had a good time? Hm?
Done!
Memorize this like your life depends on it.
But don't take too long, I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins.
- I don't know, Luce... - What?
- They're gonna rip me to shreds. - Just stick to the script!
Is that all you can say? I mean take a look around, this is ludicrous!
Now put him on the phone!
Before I stick my hand up your arse and turn you into a Chinese hand puppet!
The ingratitude stops right here.
If you haven't forgotten, we are balls deep in a bowl of shit-pea soup.
And if we're not careful, a side of sex tape pudding!
Sorry. I'm hungry.
Let's just lay low and wait it out.
I don't wait. I pounce!
Luce. This is trash.
So what else is new? C'mon, I'll give you a read.
"I'm just like you, sometimes I make mistakes.
Not unlike my character, Tom Carter, in the next Blood Island sequel.
Coming July 1st!"
So, don't forget to mention how much you enjoyed filming.
I went to RADA.
And I went to Harvard.
- You didn't go to Harvard. - It's a figure of speech.
Do you know how many struggling actors would kill for the life you have?
At least they're doing good work.
And how do you know? Who's seeing it?
When's the last time you headed down to Camden Community Theatre?
I want to act. I am an actor!
No you're not. And y'know how I know?
Cause I don't handle actors, I handle stars.
So you go ahead, it's okay.
You just have whatever crisis of conscience you need to have.
But you are reading this fucking statement!
Maxie boy.
Where do you keep your knives?
Shut up, he's learning lines.
What do you need a knife for anyway?
If you must know, I've got a rock at the bottom of my shoe.
Gargle!
Good for the vocal chords.
"I'm as appalled as you are.
I'm sorry to my friends, my family, and my fans. Especially the young ones.
Especially the young ones.
The truth is I'm just like you, and sometimes I make mistakes.
Not unlike my character, Tom Carter, in the next Blood Island sequel."
Is that supposed to be an apology?
It's for those leeches outside.
Good! For a second I thought it was for me.
Is that really what you're gonna say?
Looks that way.
It sounds so fake. An apology should come from the heart.
- You thirsty? - Terribly!
Okay.
I'm coming in.
You're not gonna hit me, are you?
You're not gonna shoot me, are you?
The gun's fake. She didn't even know she was carrying it.
Yeah well, the bat is real. And I know I have it.
Do you want something to eat? I could, I can make you a sandwich.
I am allergic to gluten.
Well um, I can't eat peanut butter, so...
This isn't the morning I had in mind.
Y'know, I think part of me is relieved.
These big actors present such a perfect image all the time.
It's good to know you have a pulse.
- Where'd you get this? - What? Your script?
This is private! You shouldn't be reading it.
Then why'd you write it?
Look! It's not ready yet.
I liked it.
Well it doesn't matter what you--
- You liked it? - Yeah, so far.
Moves well, raises the stakes.
I thought you didn't watch movies.
I don't, but I used to read for my dad. He's this big producer.
Y'know, Morgan Stanhope wants to direct.
I heard he's good. He did that real deep movie everyone's talking about--
My Private Shame. Might even win an Oscar.
Granted, it needs a bit of work.
The story arc can get confusing and the brother needs layering.
- Okay thanks. I'll get it in mind-- - He never really comes off the page.
- Feels like a stock character. - Yeah, I got it!
What? You can't take criticism?
Considering how much I hate you right now,
I think it's a miracle I liked it at all.
As much as it kills me to say, this is a great film and you'd be great in it.
- Thanks. - Are you married to the title?
- Oh forget it! - God, you're touchy!
Well, I'm sorry, I just gave away my entire salary thanks to you.
It's been a shit morning!
Really? A shit morning?
A shit morning.
And where does that guy get off?
- Timothy. - Yeah! Where does he get off?
I mean, he's like a walking fuck you to feminism everywhere.
Cunt this, and sweetie that.
Dirty old bastard.
Maxie boy? Where are you hiding that delightful tush?
Come out, boy. It's time to become the man who sold the world!
- Don't want to keep master waiting. - You coming?
I'm not going anywhere until they leave. Besides, I wanna see what happens.
Well... keep the water.
Oh thanks, Maxie, you're too good to me.
Anything for you, ya cunt.
I'm gonna...
I'm, ah, I'm gonna go now.
Oh, there's the boy wonder!
Right. Let's just get this over with.
Took ya long enough.
Remember, Max, pronunciate and speak clearly.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, and the lips.
Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Peter piper picked a--
Got it! Magda.
Alright, it's now or never.
God, I'm horny!
Sophia baby! Baby, over here baby!
I came as soon as I've heard. Don't worry, Sophia's here.
You should see the crowd outside.
I think you're even more famous than me now.
I wasn't sure I still had your keys.
But I found them in my purse.
I ordered DePaulo's.
Let it breathe.
Sophia?
Hm-hm?
Sophia, why are you here?
You need me.
He needs me.
Sit down.
Okay.
No. Over here.
This is Lucille, my publicist, Timothy, my manager...
And Magda, my acting coach. Remember?
No.
Our lunch should be arriving any moment, so if you don't mind.
Do you have any idea what's going on here?
Of course. It's terrible.
Don't do this.
Don't pretend. You enjoy this, don't you?
Leaking this boy's spirit to the world.
Sucking his entire life force out of him and leaving an empty shell of a man.
With nothing to hold onto except pain and humiliation.
You, madame, are a temptress.
A succubus from a dangerous world that no one should ever visit!
A creature so conniving and vengeful that to utter your name
will bring death and destruction to us all.
You are pure evil, Sophia.
Sophia!
Magda can be a little dramatic.
So let me spell it out for you. We know you sold Maxie out.
And why would I do such a thing? You believe me, don't you, Max?
Don't answer that! Don't you even dare.
Let him speak. And who do you think you are, controlling him like that?
I'm his publicist, that's who.
And I'm his manager. So you fuck with him, you fuck with me.
- Like I'd ever fuck you. - Oh, I like this one.
Take it easy. Can't you see you're hurting her feelings?
She has no feelings!
Maxie! Let us handle this--
No!
You're always telling me what to say and what to do--
- And what to wear! - Exactly.
For once, I'm gonna make my own decision.
Oh I think that's a grand idea!
- It is. - Isn't it, Lucille?
Of course!
- Maxie's his own man. - His own man indeed.
So, Ken doll, what's it gonna be? Huh? Huh?
A romantic lunch with Ursula The Witch?
Or a jolly good piss up with your old pals, Timothy and Lucille.
- And Magda.
I don't know.
I'm going to the loo.
Okay, bambino. Let's chat.
Go ahead.
I know you did it, and I know why. You're jealous.
- Jealous of what? - His fame, his relevance.
That used to be you, didn't it? Oh how things change, Sophia!
- You're trying too hard, Lucille. - Oh, for goodness sake!
Stop it!
Here. Here.
Take what you want. I'm loaded.
You're paying her off?
Of course not. Pretty boy's commission just doubled.
In that case, I'm in too.
Him I believe, but you? I thought you had more dignity.
Well, I don't!
So, what have we got here?
Twenty five hundred!
Add Lucille's and that makes for a pretty good Sunday morning.
But you don't have cash, do you?
No! But I can get it.
First, hand over the file.
And what file would that be?
You know goddamn well what file it is.
- Oh, do I? - Yes, you do!
- Oh, I do? - Yes!
- But do I? - Don't do that!
Are you saying you're innocent?
It doesn't matter what she says, it's what she doesn't say.
Don't you know anything about women?
No, goddamnit, I'm a man.
She did it alright.
- Maybe you did it. - Me?
Yeah, you. Did you ever think about that?
Actually we did. But we decided--
Look, Sophia. We know what happened.
He cheated. And you have every right to be angry.
- Hell, burn his suits-- - Smash his bike.
Throw his goddamn couch out the window! We'll even help you.
- We'll help you. - Hurt him!
But don't hurt us.
Lunch should be arriving any moment,
and I suggest you leave before you make things any worse.
I'm not going anywhere before I get my money back!
Don't bother saying goodbye.
- Oh, please.
Have fun getting double-teamed by Franco and Mussolini!
Really?
I left for one minute.
So, Maxie? What's it gonna be?
Well. I've thought about, and...
- I believe her. - Christ almighty!
Thank you, my love.
I never should have cheated. I was so stupid.
I know.
I know, you were you so stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid and...
And?
Stupid. And?
Sorry!
Yes! Stupid and sorry.
Oh babe, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never leave you.
- Never. - Never ever.
I am so hungry.
Aren't you hungry?
Starving.
Well, guys, it's so brilliant of you to come.
But we've got it from here, so--
As your publicist I really must advise against this!
I don't care. Just, just get out.
Whoever did this is still out there!
- You're not gonna find them in here. - Actually! I, I--
I'd like to stay.
- Just go. - Alright, alright! Down, boy.
I need a cigarette anyway.
Don't forget to tell her about the thing.
Yes, yes. Fine, fine.
What thing?
You know. The thing.
She deserves to know. I mean, I'd wanna know.
We tried to tell her, but it's so sensitive, better it comes from you.
Yeah but, there is no thing. What is there to know?
What are you talking about?
You know. The thing.
The thing.
The oh, oh, oh, oh, thing!
The sex tape! My God!
Thank you, Magda.
What did she say?
Oh. It's nothing, I mean, if it hasn't been released yet, then...
If what hasn't been released yet?
What?
Our, um...
Sex tape.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
What we did was sacred? You just kept it on your phone?
Look, I didn't think something like this was going to happen, it's just--
Not inside, Lucille!
No. I don't believe her for a second.
And what kind of monster do you think I am?
- Werewolf. - Banshee.
- Vampire. - Oh stop it! Y'know what, just stop it.
I didn't do this.
What do I need to do?
Throw myself on the floor and cut my wrists vein to vein?
- That'd be a start! - Magda!
Oh please, I know overacting when I see it. I invented it!
How can you let her talk to me like that?
- She thinks you hate her. - She's perceptive!
- Lucille! - I do hate her.
- Magda! - She's got a point.
Timothy!
I say...
- She's not to blame. - And?
And...
I think you owe her an apology.
A what? Apology?
- No, no, no, no-- - No, no, no, no.
Not just you. Everyone.
Oh no, I'm... I'm sorry, I...
I never apologise. I've got a rule.
You never apologise to women or children.
Please.
For me.
Fuck me.
I can never say no to those puppy dog eyes.
Sophia, I'm a...
I'm sorry.
Sorry I blamed you for the whole...
Thank-- Thank you.
Although we have every right to suspect you--
All the signs are there. I mean you'd have to be an idiot!
Thank you!
Sorry.
I am not sorry!
It's okay, Max.
This'll all blow over soon.
Yeah, yeah. Stiff upper lip and all that.
I'll put some feelers out, find the kinky bastard.
Now, who's up for a drink at Ye Old Dick?
I am. But only if that's a euphemism.
- Where to? - I am too.
- You're not coming, dear. - Screw you!
Screw you too.
Come on, Luce! We should be drunk by now.
Lucille?
What is it?
I'd rather not say.
Is it good?
No.
Is it bad?
Is it touching?
You don't wanna know.
Oh bugger!
Oh fuck. I'm finished.
Nonsense, we'll ride it past it. No pun intended.
Like I never existed.
No, no. I can spin this.
Yeah, Lucille can spin anything.
Really? Is that why we're shut in my apartment? Cause she can spin anything?
Might as well try.
Yeah. I can still get you some big roles.
I don't want big roles. I want respect!
- Fuck respect. - You're not helping.
I had the perfect script too!
The one where you're a hunky alien and you fall for Jennifer Lawrence?
No.
Or the one where you're a burly cowboy and you fall for Jennifer Lawrence?
No!
The one where you're a studly rancher --
No you don't know! Because I wrote it!
You wrote a script?
Well, don't leave us in suspense, c'mon, what's it about?
Wait, you-- you really wanna know?
Of course we do, old chap!
It sounds brilliant!
I'm sure.
Okay, well...
I play Charlie Moss.
Charlie Moss.
Charlie loves three things.
Property development, his wife, his kids, and sailing.
One day, they take their boat out on the Hudson River, but a storm capsizes them.
As much as he tries, Charlie can't save his family.
Left with a crushing emptiness and a crippling fear of the water,
Charlie tears his life apart until he has no possessions, no home, no burdens.
Finding meaning in the smallest of places.
We end on Charlie facing his biggest fear.
Sailing out... into the open ocean.
- Can we get Jennifer Lawrence? - Oh, for fuck's sake.
It's the perfect part! Finally, something with substance! What is it called?
Beyond The Hudson.
Are we married to that?
Maxie, Maxie. Do you have any idea how hard it is to produce?
No one's gonna give you money to pout around the screen like a lost baby!
You're an action star, act like one, kill somebody!
I thought you were here to help.
Yes. Help me. Not help you.
Oh Maxie! When life gives you lemons, what do you do?
You go to an A-list party and snort cocaine off a stranger's backside!
What Timothy is trying to say is,
this doesn't exactly fit in with our plan.
We're negotiating three sequels for you to star in.
All with tie-ins, promos, appearance fees, press tours, endorsements.
All, while being the brand ambassador to Cartier, Armani, and Vitamin Water.
I'm not so sure this type of film is really the best move.
Well, Morgan Stanhope thinks it is.
Who the fuck is that?
He's the new Sundance darling.
And he wants to direct!
He's good. But, he's not exactly a cash cow. He did My Private Shame.
"My private..." God.
It sounds wonderful, Max!
Shut up, Magda!
Well, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters.
No one's gonna hire me now.
I'm just gonna stay in this apartment.
Until the power shuts off.
And the water stops running.
I'll shower with rain water.
I'll catch unsuspecting birds for dinner.
Probably die of some rare disease.
Something so rare they'll... they'll name it after me.
Max Peters disease. That's what they'll call it.
Well, at least you'll be remembered!
- Is that supposed to be funny? - Well, yes.
You're fired.
You're all fired!
No. You need a publicist. You need a manager.
And you definitely need an acting coach.
No! It's over.
- Maxie, calm down. - No, just get away!
- You turn everything to shit too! - Max--
Look, just go away. Bye. Ciao, bella. Sayonara!
- What about us? - What about us? There is no us.
You just turned up one day and never left! Get out!
- Baby. - Just go!
- Leave! - No! Shut up!
Just shut up.
Please do listen to me, okay?
Everything is going to be fine. If you just listen.
Are you listening?
Yes, I'm fucking listening. What is it? What's so bloody important?
The tape isn't leaked.
Of course it is. Lucille told me--
No, it's not. They're lying.
They're trying to trick me.
She's right, Max.
Bonnie and Clyde strike again.
You have it.
You have everything.
I was gonna tell you over lunch.
You're always more reasonable on a full stomach.
They told me it was you, but I didn't believe them.
Of course it was me!
You broke my heart!
You made me feel worthless. You humiliated me!
And there you were, on every paper, on every channel, on every cinema,
just showing the world how perfect Max Peters is.
And the worst thing is that I still love you.
I want to hate you.
I want to crush you, but I still love you.
Sophia, give me the video.
You didn't say I love you too.
I love you. Give me the video.
No. Now you're just saying that.
Of course he is!
Lucille!
Y'know what? I'll delete it.
Come back to me, and I'll erase it.
Okay, fine. Just get rid of it.
What? Right now?
Yes, right now! When were you thinking?
Geez, mister pushy, I don't know.
Hey!
That wasn't very nice.
Sophia, give me the phone.
You didn't say please.
Please give me the phone!
- Max, you're scaring me now. - Sophia!
Yes, Maxie baby?
Did you have anything to say?
Christ, Maxie! She's got a knife!
Protect your face!
Sophia, what are you doing?
Sophia! What are you doing?
- Lucille!
Can't you leave your phone alone for one second?
It's about you!
What? What does it say?
It's an email from Max. Don't shoot the messenger.
"Timothy is delusional.
He thinks he's cool because he swears like a teenager but he's just a--
"Pathetic old man."
Right.
Kill the bastard.
I give you everything, you little shit.
- That really hurt. - I'm sure it's just a joke.
It doesn't feel very fucking funny to me.
No.
Don't look, don't look! It's about you.
What is it? What is it?
No, it's nothing. I made a mistake.
Fucking tell me!
He says, and I'm-- I'm quoting here.
"Lucille is a grade-A basket case...
who takes it out on her spoiled kids and that sorry excuse of a husband.
It's a wonder she can be so bent...
with that giant stick up her arse."
You son of a bitch.
I work day and night for you.
And I'm just some crazy mom who can't control her family?
You try being a parent sometime!
It's fucking hard.
You idiots!
Can't you see Sophia is doing this to us?
We need to stick together!
What does it say?
You think I'm a bad actor?
Stay away from me, Magda!
You still think I'm a bad actor?
I'm a brilliant actor!
I am a brilliant actor! You're the bad actor!
Stop hurting him!
Get off him!
And you, Sophia. You made it all happen!
You opened your big mouth.
And embarrassed me in front of the whole world!
Stay away from me.
Why? Huh? You didn't stay away from us!
Don't come any closer.
You know what you are?
A stalker.
I'm not a stalker.
- A stalker. - I love him.
- Stop it! - A stalker!
I'm not a stalker!
Come here, you little cunt!
Nice shot.
Who the fuck was that?
That was Sophia.
Is she dead?
Well, if she is, she had it coming.
Timothy!
We were all thinking it!
Jesus.
She is alive.
Should we call an ambulance?
What for?
She could have internal bleeding.
Nonsense. She'll wake up with an awful headache. Nothing more.
Magda Saint Claire, and you are?
Peaches.
What a lovely name.
You must be thirsty.
How about a nice glass of ice cold water?
Or a herbal tea?
- There is no herbal tea. - Sorry.
- No tea, dear. - Sorry.
Get the money, honey.
Peaches, Peaches...
- My name is Timothy Fine-- - Don't touch me.
And I'm the top earning manager at Intrepid Talent.
Now, Peaches, I look at you and I think star...
Yes! I see Audrey Hepburn meets Faye Dunaway.
Maybe the next Selena Gomez!
Y'know, Selena's a good friend.
Okay.
- Sorry, I've gotta take this, but--
Why don't you come by the office on Monday and we can have a little natter?
Let's talk exposure.
As your personal publicist, I need you to run everything by me.
That's very important, no questions asked.
- Are you for real? - That's a question.
Now, the most important thing is your image.
I need you to keep the focus on your image.
Don't talk about what boys you like, or what clubs you go to or--
Being kidnapped by a bunch of psychos?
Yeah, well not so fast, sweetie.
Lest we forget who hit who in the face with a Louisville Slugger.
Poor Sophia may never be the same.
Right. Where were we?
Image! Image, image, image! It's the most important thing.
Image is a construct.
That's the spirit!
Well, I really have to be going.
But it was so lovely meeting you.
Where's Max?
Hell of a day.
You just keep that girl happy. We don't any of this getting out.
That would be shame.
Oh, buck up!
This is a good project.
It doesn't matter, Maxie.
For God's sake! You're about to become the biggest star in the world.
You do this film and all that goes away. We go away.
Max. You pay us to obey us.
Forget the script.
- You don't think I can pull it off. - Max.
Luce, admit it. You don't think I can act.
The jury's still out.
But hey! You're not my only client with a crisis today.
Bloody Radcliffe has fallen down a well in Picklescott.
Oh yeah? What's that code for?
No code. Danny's down there alright.
But like a good boy, he stayed put and kept quiet.
Doesn't sound like he had a choice.
We all have a choice, Max.
Let me know when you make yours.
Really? Because when I'm finished with you,
you'll be talking out of your arse and shitting out of your mouth!
The little bugger hung up on me.
Good job today, He-Man.
Came out on top, I think.
You really think so?
Well, I know it could've been a hell of a lot worse.
Wait! I'm coming with.
Can't you get your own cab?
For what you pay me?
- They still out there? - Oh no, no, no. Didn't you hear?
Bloody Radcliffe, Daniel Radcliffe, stuck in a well somewhere in Shropshire.
I'm gonna ring that little Hufflepuff.
I quite like him. Could you put us in touch?
See you Monday, Peaches.
And remember, honeypeach, mum's the word.
I want food.
- What was that? - Food. I'd like some.
You must be starving.
Not starving. Just hungry.
What would you like? I'll get you anything you want.
A great big lunch.
Still a bit early for lunch isn't it? How about I make us some breakfast?
By the time we eat, it will be too late for breakfast. We missed breakfast.
We missed breakfast?
But we can fit an early lunch, if we hurry.
Okay.
How about early lunch today...
and late dinner tomorrow?
I can't. I'm seeing my boyfriend.
- DePaulo's! - Just a second.