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[bright tone]
[microphone droans]
My new special, Junior.
You know the first one? You was in your mama's stomach.
-Man, can you believe that? -Yeah.
You was there, but you wasn't there.
-Oh. -And now look at this.
You gonna bring me up on stage.
My man, Isaiah-- Isaiah over here,
he started opening up for his dad
when he was, like, 12 years old.
You ten. He was opening up
for his dad at 12.
-[Isaiah] Yup. -I mean, how did you feel
to be opening up for your dad? Being in a comedy clubs?
That's a good experience, man. Good experience. Yes.
Yeah, all right, so, you got any advice for Junior
-before he go on stage? -Oh, just go up there,
be yourself. You know, be a kid.
You know--You know how you are with your friends.
Go up there and be that same LJ.
You know what I mean? Kill the crowd.
-They gonna love you. -Man, that's right.
Man, thanks, man. That was great, man.
-You got that? -Yeah.
I'm glad you gave Junior that advice.
-Of course. -I mean, because then--
Now, you know, I just really see a visual
of my man here. You got the charisma,
-the look, the style. -Mm-hmm. Yup. Yup.
Since he started like you, you know?
I don't need you no more, man.
You gonna-- For tonight.
'Cause--For the special? -No.
-[Lavelle] No. -'Cause we got more dates
after this. You know, we got--
[Lavelle] I know I told you you was on 'em,
but, I mean, look he got it.
I mean, he's in house. Keep the money in the house.
Family, you know what I'm saying?
Hey, Floyd, get him a seat outside.
Get him a seat at the-- Can you do that for us?
-I can't sit in the Green Room? -Nah, man.
I mean, it's for talent.
You like family, man, but...
We been through a lot, though.
I know, man. I love you, though, baby.
You know I love you, man.
Thank you, though. Thank you.
Let me just share this with you.
I want you to do well 'cause...[chuckles]
you know, just like I replaced him?
-I replace your ass, too. -No, no.
[man] Show your love for my man Lavell Crawford!
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music playing]
What's happening, people?
[audience] What's happening?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking.
Lavelle Crawford, he lost a lot of weight...
[audience chuckles]
and--and he got his hair back
and he looks like a kid again.
Nah, he's still old and bald.
Let me stop before I get two chops to the throat.
Welcome my dad, the one you came to see!
-Lavell Crawford! -[cheers and applause]
Hey, give it up for my man. Give it up for him, man.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, boy, there you go. My son, man.
Ten years ago, my first special,
he--he was in his mother's stomach.
I had just made him. You know, I'd just made
the mix and now he on stage.
Think he a comedian now.
He better get it together. I want 10% of that damn money.
Talk about, "I wanna make what you make."
Shit, you ain't make what I make.
That's zero. I ain't getting no damn money.
Everything I get go on your little ass.
Teeth and haircuts and fucking Jordans and shit.
I was like, "Who the fuck is Michael Jordan?
He ain't playing no more. Charging--
Charging that much for a fucking shoe.
He ain't playing. He can't play
a lick of basketball. He can't do shit.
I got the Jordans. They hurt my fucking feet.
I'm too--I'm too grown for Jordans, man.
They ain't for a man that need orthopedic shoes,
you know what I'm saying?
Man, thank y'all for coming out, Tempe, Arizona.
Man, thank y'all so much.
-Yeah. -[cheers and applause]
This is my-- my fifth comedy special, man.
This is another one in the belt.
Did some crazy shit. Tons of stuff,
but we had a fucking ball. I don't give a fuck.
It was supposed to be over a long time ago.
-We still hanging in this bitch. -[audience cheers]
Still doing the same bullshit every--
Everybody going through something.
Nobody can bitch no more. It's an even playing ground now.
You know what I'm saying? White folks looking at niggas
like, "Hey, don't come to me. We're all in this
fucking together."
You gotta laugh, man.
We gotta laugh. People--We know
what we been through. I think we--I think we blessed
to still be here. This shit--shit here.
I think it was supposed to be over, but God just let it
run a little longer than He should've
'cause we supposed to be gone during Y2K.
Then we supposed to be gone 2012 said the Mayans.
[chuckles] We still fucking here.
I got a lot of Twinkies. I got duct tape. I got water.
We ain't--The world ain't fucking ending.
We still here, but it's getting
kind of fucked up now, though.
It's getting real fucked up now, you know?
You have fucking viruses and shit.
We been having fucking viruses. I don't know why this virus
is so worse than the other ones.
We had a lot of shit killing us before.
We had AIDS. Remember AIDS?
AIDS was real fucked up. Nobody put no fucking mask on.
You know, they wouldn't even put a condom on.
"Oh, she ain't sick. She all right.
She ain't sick. She don't even smell
like she's sick."
-[audience groans] -[laughs]
Yeah, he's screaming real loud like he done that shit.
[laughter]
Remember--Remember herpes?
You had a big ass fucking bump on your lip.
"Hey, man, you got herpes?" "Nah, that's acne."
"Bullshit.
Your Proactiv really ain't working.
You know what? Take your cups
and your silverware home with you, you know?"
But now, COVID-19 is here.
Scaring the fuck outta everybody.
It just came on the scene. Fuck cancer and leukemia.
All those--diabetes. All them diseases, COVID-19
which is on the back of a Lysol can.
Got us all walking around looking like we about
to rob a train.
This the only time you supposed to wear a mask
when you walk in the bank. I walk in the bank,
"Sir, you can't come in here without a mask."
I said, "Thank you for warning me, sir."
I put my mask on. Came in.
"Everybody on the ground now!
Everybody on the fucking ground now!"
[laughter]
"I'm just glad he's robbing us with a mask on.
At least be safe. I don't wanna get sick
laying on this floor."
'Cause people so stupid with this fucking mask.
I'm so sick of you motherfuckers be fucking,
"Put your mask on!"
"Put yours on, ugly bitch." You know?
I'm tired of that stupid-ass shit.
I mean, you gotta cover both air holes.
"Cover your mouth. Cover your nose."
-"I can't fucking breathe. -[laughter]
I need one of 'em open, motherfucker."
What kind of bullshit is that?
And they want you to put that cloth shit on your--
You got a tampon on your fucking face.
That shit hurt. Into your goddamn nose.
Got a piece of metal in the shit.
And then, Black folk, we change it up.
"Shit, I blinged mine out, girl.
I put studs and shit all over it.
I got 'God Blessed Me' 'I'm Blessed' on it."
[laughs] We just go too goddamn far.
We gonna pimp our masks.
Shit...[laughs]
And, you know, the mask just so stupid
'cause people wear 'em outside in God's fresh air.
Birds still fucking flying around.
[laughter]
They're like, "Look at that dumb motherfucker
out here with a mask on."
You know, that's God's fresh air.
What the fuck you scared of outside?
I mean, now--I mean, I can't get on board with this mask shit
unless I'm outside and a bird gonna go, [gasping].
Boom! Then I'll be like, "Oh, shit.
This shit's for real. It's for real.
Lord help me, Jesus."
But right now, fuck the damn masks.
I only wear it 'cause I can't get in stores without it.
Soon as I get in, I pull that bitch down.
I'll be walking around, "Excuse me, sir.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Did I have it down? It just fell down.
I'm so sorry. This mask got a mind of itself."
They don't work. If you can still smell a fart,
you know these masks don't work.
For real. I mean, for real.
They don't work. I farted on a guy with a mask
the other day. I lit him up, too, man.
I gave one of them silent but deadly ones.
Right...ah-ha!
And it stinked so bad it looked like he came out
with a knife in his hand. I was like,
"Ooh, ooh, I ain't even gonna look at him.
I ain't even gonna look at him.
Hope he don't think it's me." I turned around.
He looked at me right in my damn face.
He was like--I was like, "What's your problem?"
He said, "Did you just fart?" I said, "Did you smell it?"
He said, "Yes, I did."
I said, "Well, your mask is malfunctioning
and you should be saying 'Thank you.'
'Cause I just saved your life.
'Cause if my fart get through that mask,
Lord knows COVID-19 is following right behind it."
-[laughter] -I'm a hero today!
This the best time to fart, though.
I mean, in public. It's like, fartopia out there.
I be farting on groups of motherfuckers.
I be crop, badab badab badab.
Rabadab. They don't even know it's me.
I can just stand by and letting shit out.
They'll be like, "Oh, my God, it must be a sewer main
broke around here."
And I be standing right there. "Yes, this city is just
falling apart."
'Cause back in the day when you had to fart,
stomach be bothering you. Had to find--You had to find
a secret space to fart, you know?
You had to find a place no one's at.
Like, in the grocery store, I find an empty aisle.
Usually where the disinfectants is, you know?
'Cause if it stink too bad, I just spray some Lysol around.
You know, Lysol is so funny.
It kills 99.9 motherfucking odors,
but shit ain't one.
But it smell like-- it smell like--
[laughs] either you shit a bunch of lemons,
or you shit a tree. That's how it smell.
I mean, I killed that aisle, man.
I wiped that aisle out.
They need to put some cones down there.
But then always--Old Reliable, nosey motherfucker
come right behind me.
"Oh, my God, we need a manager immediately.
I think something died over here under these shelves.
Sir, do you smell that?" "No. No, I do not."
"You don't smell that, sir?" "No, I do not...
smell it."
And I got outta there before I got arrested.
[laughs]
This shit--This shit get-- This shit getting stupid, man.
They think we-- They think we dumb, man.
For real. You go to the grocery store,
they got street signs in the grocery store now.
"One Way." "Left Turn."
"Stop." I went--I went down--
back down the aisle, this lady goes,
"Excuse me, sir. You're going the wrong way."
I said, "Hell if I am. My sour cream and onion
potato chips down here. I'll be damned
if I walk all the way around this fucking store
to come back where the fuck I'm at.
You better report me, ho,
'cause I'm legal."
This shit getting out of control 'cause people
be snitching on you. Not having your mask on.
And every--Nobody know all the symptoms and shit
so, I mean, you do something,
"Ah, look at him scratchin' his forehead.
That motherfucker got that shit.
Look at--Aah, what you sniffing for, motherfucker?
What wrong with you? Uh-uh, stay out of my house."
You know, but I read on the can, "Lysol kill COVID-19."
Shit, I got the vaccine right there.
I just spray my face right away with Lysol.
It burned like a motherfucker for like, 40 minutes,
Then I'm good, you know what I'm saying?
I don't like to mask myself because it's a burden.
You know how it is. You rushing.
I'm going to the store real quick.
I get to the fucking door like, "Damn!
I forgot my damn mask." And then my car parked
all the way at the end of the fucking street
and it's raining outside. Like, "Fuck that damn mask.
I'm going in the store anyway."
I say, "I wish a motherfucker would
say something to me." I walk in the door,
police standing with his mask on,
hand on his gun, talking about, "Sir, where your mask?"
I stepped back and put my underwear on my fucking face.
I'm like--I said, "I be damned if I get shot
not having a mask on." [laughs]
And I walk in the store and they say,
"Sir, can you put that over your nose?"
I said, "Ma'am, if I put this shit over my nose,
you gonna have to call the ambulance.
I got the balls on my face.
I'll be damned if I put that shit stain on my nose.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
And I just can't believe people didn't caught on
to this mad shit so fast.
This the same people that do some
of the nastiest shit in the world.
Sit at home, eat a booty hole out.
[rolls tongue]
Then they done ate a coochie. [rolls tongue]
Had a dick squirt all in your face
and you like-- you wake up the next morning,
"I gotta go to the store. I gotta stay safe."
[laughter]
Really? You're afraid of COVID-19
and you got COVID-44 last night.
Right.
And my cousin, he--he a little bit bigger than me.
He weigh about 540, right? He got in there,
have a mask on, but they don't make
Big & Tall masks, right? His mask just covers
his mouth right here.
He still eating under the mask.
He putting French fries,
hot dogs and shit under the mask.
He was eating a rib the other day.
Ate too fast, ate the fucking mask.
"Y'all got another mask?"
"No, you don't need one.
COVID-19'll get lost in you. [laughs]
You gonna die from salad. Get the fuck outta here."
I don't--I don't like the mask 'cause it's a burden.
I see you ladies-- Some people looking at me mad
and be judging me. You know what I'm talking about?
"[groans] I can't believe--"
Shut your ass up. I can say the fuck I want.
We were just normal motherfuckers
picking shit off the ground.
You find a Cheeto between your seats, be like,
"God made dirt, dirt don't hurt."
Then all of a sudden we done became germophobes.
[moaning]
Shut up. Get the fuck outta here.
-[woman] Yes, man. -Ugly people kissing babies
and shit. Didn't know--Don't even know
where they lips been, but all of a sudden--
I seen people kissing dogs!
You know, I was on a fucking plane with a fucking dog
sitting right next to me. I was like,
"Excuse me, stewardess...
this dog don't have a fucking mask on.
[laughter]
I don't feel safe."
The dog looking at me like, "Ugh, here we go
with this bullshit."
[laughter]
[laughs]
They don't make kids wear masks and they some of
the dirtiest motherfuckers in the world.
Little motherfuckers sneeze... [sneezes]
Snot all over the place. I said,
"That COVID-19 right there.
Get out of here, little Johnny."
And I ain't trying--I ain't trying to lead nobody astray.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not up here preaching.
I just think that, you know, we got--
we should question a few things like Dr. Fauci.
I don't even know who the fuck he is.
He looks like COVID-19. I don't trust that motherfucker.
He done had it for years. He's still around.
It ain't--It must not be that damn bad
'cause the most hated president in the world had it
and he had it for three days.
[laughs] And he was right back up.
You know, I was like-- I was like,
"What kind of COVID he have? He must've had COVID-16."
You know? Talking about, "I had it.
I had it. Let me tell you, I had it.
All right, I had it. I wish that, uh, Melania
help me. Uh...
But the next day I felt better than I ever did before.
I was like, 'Man, maybe my blood is the vaccine.'"
[laughter]
I knew he wasn't gonna win 'cause his running mate
is the walking dead. Anytime you sit up there
and got a fly on top of your head...
and you don't swat that shit one time,
you ain't alive, motherfucker.
Come on!
The fly was just sitting up there like this...
Just like, "Hm hmm hmm.
What you mean I'm on a head?" You know?
It's like, you know, they keep calling it a "pandemic."
That's what bothers me. "A pandemic."
I think these motherfuckers just be making shit up
'cause it ain't a pandemic. You know why?
You know why it's not a pandemic?
I seen the movie.
I saw the fucking movie, all right?
When they show the movie they got dead bodies
hanging outside of abandoned cars.
A crow eating a fucking dead eye out.
Motherfucking zombie going, [groans].
That's a fucking pandemic. This is not a pandemic.
This is a "massdemic." You know why
this ain't a pandemic? You know why?
Bill collectors keep calling my fucking house.
How the fuck y'all still alive?
Ain't nobody sneezed on a keyboard
at the electric company?
Ain't nobody coughed on a monitor at the gas company?
Lady from the car note place called me.
"Mr. Crawford, you're two months behind on your car note."
I said, "COVID-19."
[laughter]
She said, "Oh, my God. You have it?"
I said, "No, my bank account got it.
It has no taste, no smell.
It has no funds, either.
We have it on a respirator right now
and we're taking it day by day."
They be threatening to turn shit off at my house.
"Mr. Crawford, you're late on your payment again.
We're gonna cut your electricity off."
I said, "[voice wavering] Cut it out. Cut it off.
You're willing to cut my electricity off...
[gasps] during a pandemic?
My children don't have nothing right now.
[gasps] We don't have no food.
We ain't got no lights in here. [gasps]
We gotta wear masks everywhere.
Cut it off, motherfucker!
You gonna cut it off in a pandemic
I hope God forgive your soul."
He goes, "Oh, my God, calm down, sir.
Anybody in your house have COVID-19?"
"No, we do not, but...
we suffering from it."
"Okay, Mr. Crawford, we'll give you an extension.
We'll give you six months." "Six months?
That's all you're willing to give me during a pandemic?
Who knows how long this is gonna go.
They told us three months then they told us three weeks.
You're only gonna give me six--" "Mr. Crawford, calm down.
We'll give you a year." "If that's what you wanna do."
[laughter]
That shit work like a motherfucker.
It work all day. They about to cut my cable off.
"Cut it off!
You gonna cut my cable off in the middle of a pandemic?
[gasps] Cut it off!
My children ain't gonna be able to watch SpongeBob.
They won't be able to enjoy Internet or nothing
'cause you wanna cut our cable off...
during a pandemic?
Oh, my Lord, what else they gonna take from us?"
"Mr. Crawford, calm down. We'll give you six months."
"Six months?
The electric company gave me a year."
[laughter]
"Okay, we'll give you a year, too."
"Just a year?"
"Okay, we'll match them and give you a year and a half."
"If that's what you wanna do."
That shit on every-- every bill company.
It don't work on my wife, though.
I--We were locked down. I was trying to talk her
into something bad. I said, "When you gonna give me
one of them blowjobs? [mumbles]
Put it in your mouth."
"I ain't sucking your nasty ass dick."
I said, "Really?
[voice waivers] You don't wanna suck my dick
and we in the middle of a pandemic?
[laughter]
I can't--I can't believe you would turn me down.
We don't have nothing else."
"Yeah, all right, motherfucker, I'll suck your dick
'cause I'm going through the same thing.
I'm going through the pandemic, too.
Since I'm sucking your dick, you gonna eat my booty hole."
I said, "[clears throat] Let's calm down.
[laughter]
Let's calm down.
We gotta stay safe.
We don't know how this is 'contracted.'
[laughs]
Eating booty hole right now don't sound like
good judgment.
I'ma put my mask on...
and I'm gonna give you six feets, please."
And then shit caught on fire. They talking about--
I knew it was bad when they shut down the NBA.
I was like, "No. No, not really."
LeBron'll make-- LeBron James makes
$100 million a year.
He can stop playing for 50 years,
come back and still got
$200 million in the fucking bank.
LeBron got so much money his hairline does what it want
to fucking do.
For real. It'd be back here.
Then it's up here. Then it's a bang.
Then it'd be a curlicue and come down to be a mustache.
Then it's a goatee. [laughs]
Then his sideburn. Then it's a shag.
That's million-dollar hair right there.
Shit. I don't got that kind of money hair.
My hair won't even grow up here. It's like a--
like it's a No Trespassing sign up here.
It grow on the sides. On my eyebrows.
On my mouth, but it won't grow
on the fucking top of my head. I got hair in my asshole.
I don't even know why. I mean...
am I growing a tail? You know what I'm saying?
I'm about to call one of them hair transplant places
like Bosley Medical or something.
I said, "Can you transfer this out of my ass to my scalp?"
I'd be walking around brushing that shit
and be like, "Man, it stink like ass around here."
"I don't know what you talking about,
but these waves are the shit. [laughs]
I'm about to get me a doo-doo rag."
[laughter]
[laughs]
Shit.
They didn't--That didn't make me think it was bad
when I was--they ended up cutting down the NBA.
What made me thought it was serious when I looked outside
and seen this homeless man with a mask on.
I was like, "Wait a minute.
What does Pissy Joe know? Shit.
He was just eating out of that Dumpster yesterday.
Now he got a mask on. What has he heard?"
I mean, they--they think we-- You know, they think
this shit's smart, though.
They got curfews in some cities. I was in Nashville I think.
They had a ten o'clock curfew. Like, COVID-19's smart as shit.
Like, you out at 10:05, "Bitch, what you doing
out at 10:05? You done fucked up.
I'm about to--I'm about to get all in your lungs.
You know who I am?"
[laughs]
I be seeing people at restaurants
they'll eat and put they mask back on.
Like COVID-19 playing Double Dutch.
"Ohhh!
Oh, bitch, you done-- Ohh!
Ooh oh! I was almost up there!"
[laughter]
[laughs]
But, see, you know people-- people get scared
about that shit there. But I didn't trust it
when they closed down the churches.
That was some bullshit 'cause I believe in God.
I cuss and talk a lot of shit, but I believe in God.
It ain't nothing but God that let y'all came--
come down here to the comedy club
-and watch me tape this show. -[cheers and applause]
I don't care if you believe it or not.
God is good, man, you know?
I mean, we need preachers up in here saying,
"In the name of Jesus. He was born in a manger.
His mother was a virgin. He came down for our sins.
He came down-- [mumbles]
He came down to save our souls.
He came down for our sentence. He came down for our burden.
He walked on water. I said he walked on water
He walked on water. Man said he was blind.
He said--Jesus said, 'You ain't blind.
Put this thing on your face. Peek-a-boo.
You can see me? I can see you.'
[laughs]
'Jesus, I can't walk.' 'Get your ass up
and get off that bed.
Carry your bed on home.' He walked on home.
They said, 'Jesus, Lazarus is dead.'
'No, he ain't. Get your ass outta that grave,
Lazarus. You ain't dead.
Get your punk ass up right now.' [laughs]
'Jesus, we hungry.' 'I got two pieces of fish
and five loaves of bread.' 'Give me some Miracle Whip.
That's right, give me some Miracle Whip.
I'm gonna make tuna fish salad.'
Ha
He hung from the cross...
and three days later He rose from the grave.
I said three days later-- One, two, three.
Three days later... He rose from the grave
'cause death don't have no power.
Death don't have no steam.
Death can't hold me in the ground!"
"What about COVID-19?" "Shut the doors!
We going Livestream. Shut the doors right now.
We--God tired. He done done enough for y'all."
[laughter]
People get mad I joke about it.
I'm a comedian. I'm gonna joke about this shit
'cause some of the shit's funny and I don't give a fuck.
"People dying."
"They been dying for motherfucking many,
many motherfucking years.
This ain't the first fucking time
we done died, motherfucker."
But now they keeping count? For real?
You know, they died 2017, 18, 19
more than fucking 209 they died.
Motherfucker would die all the time.
They ain't never keep fucking count.
All of a sudden, "We're dying."
You ain't gonna live that damn long anyway.
You gonna live long the fuck enough and that's it.
You ain't gonna live fucking forever.
I don't wanna live past 80-85 my damn self.
I don't wanna be too old where I don't even know I'm alive.
You ever seen them people? They so old they chewing
and they ain't even got nothing in they mouth.
[mumbles]
[laughter]
"You--You hungry, Papa?" "Nah, nah.
I-I--"
[laughter]
[laughs]
You know, that one motherfucker be shaking--
Like, you ask him a bunch of questions
he don't agree with. That...
[laughter]
"What you--Why-- What you shake your head?"
"[groans]" "You agree with me?"
"[groans] I agree."
"Why you keep shaking your head nah?"
"[groans] What you talking about?"
And some of them people be too independent.
They be getting on my nerves. I was at Golden Corral.
This old lady had that palsy hand shaking everywhere.
She's shaking corn and mac 'n' cheese on everything.
It was all in the fudge and shit.
I was like, "Mrs. Brown, let somebody
get that shit for you." "I got it!
I got it!"
Just shaking it.
[laughter]
And she had a dog, too. He shaking, too.
They both...
Like they in they own private earthquake.
Shit, it scaring me, though.
I ain't know. I'm glad to be doing comedy
anywhere, man, 'cause I ain't have shit to fall back on.
When they shut down everything, I-I went to college
to drop my cousin off. I didn't have no--
I had no money. I ain't have nothing
to fall back on. I got nervous.
I mean, and the toilet paper shortage?
That shit scared the hell outta me.
You know, I had-- I had to hold my shit,
you know what I'm saying? 'Cause we use the bathroom good.
You know, we use it-- We lived a nice life.
We had good toilet paper. We had that Angel Soft.
The four-ply with the angel laying on it.
I used to just ball it up and hit my ass
and drop it in the water.
Just ball it up and hit the ass and drop it in the water.
It was--It sucked all the water out the toilet
I had so much toilet paper in that water.
But when times got hard during that pandemic,
shit...we moved from Angel Soft down to Scott.
[laughter]
Scott is one ply, you know what I'm saying?
But it got wood chips in it.
You can't wipe all willy nilly with Scott.
You gotta take your time. Like--
Like, "Ah!
Ow!
Oww!"
Trying not to get no splinters in my booty hole,
you understand?
And then my wife only allowed me three--three sheets a day.
So I had to get creative. I had to learn origami
so I could be able to get-- [laughs]
I turned it into a swan and then into a table football
so I could get the crack. Fap!
I didn't eat finger food for a while.
I wasn't--I wasn't licking nothing off my finger.
"Eh! No."
Toilet paper shortage. Can't do that.
[laughs]
It got ne--It got nervous around the house.
Man, wasn't no money coming in.
I was getting scared, man. We was down to our last
two rolls of Scott,
two packs of Top Ramen noodles,
we had Creamy Chicken and motherfucker...
beef and shit and we got nervous.
I was like, "All right, it's getting crazy around here."
You know, I had to call a family meeting.
"Family meeting. Family meeting!"
They be like, "What's wrong, Daddy? What's wrong?"
"Well, we ain't got no money coming in.
We down to our last two rolls of Scott.
I don't know what we gonna do."
"What you think we should do, Daddy?"
I said, "Well... I done came to the conclusion...
somebody might have to sell some ass around here."
[laughter]
My wife said, "Get your ass out there then."
I--I said, "I'm going. I'm going.
I wonder how much money I can get for this man pussy out here.
I done lost a little weight... [laughs]
maybe somebody want it."
This shit got hard on me, though, man.
Before this shit hit, I was the Lavell Crawford,
you understand me?
The Lavell Crawford.
See, y'all don't understand. "Who are you?"
"I'm the Lavell motherfucking Crawford!"
I was BET, Last Comic Standing, Breaking Bad,
TV shows out the yin yang.
I was on a 30-city tour with Mike Epps.
-[man shouts indistinctly] -[cheers and applause]
I appreciate the claps
and I appreciate you not clapping, sir.
Thank you very much. You're like,
"I still don't know who the fuck you are."
[laughs] He's like, "Oh, really?
You've done a lot of things." But, no...
Yes, yes, I was the fucking Lavell Crawford,
but this pandemic hit...
I used to walk around my house talking shit.
I did. You know, I'd walk around
the house, "You know why these lights are on in the house?
Huh? You know why these lights are on in the house?
Anybody know?
These jokes keep these goddamn lights on in the house!
Anybody else can tell a fucking joke and put some lights
on in the house? Anybody? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
Anybody? Anybody tell some jokes
to keep the lights on in the house? Huh?
Nobody? No?
I know you don't!
You know why there's food in that refrigerator?
Hm? You know why there's food in that fucking refrigerator?
Hmm? These jokes keep that food
in the refrigerator! Anybody can tell some jokes
and keep the fucking food in the refrigerator?
Hmm? Huh? Huh?
I'm the big dog around here. [barks]"
That pandemic hit, I went from big dog...
[laughs] to puppy dog real quick.
I went from the Lavell Crawford to Vell like a motherfucker.
I walk around the house humble as hell like...
They be like, "What's up, big dog?"
"No, not right now. Nah, nah.
No, I ain't big dog right now. I'm more like kitty cat.
I ain't no--" [laughs]
And I was being real nice. I was talking to my wife.
I was like, "Hey, boo, you think I can get
a little of that orange juice?"
She's talking to me like I'm one of the kids.
"Didn't your ass just have some orange juice
earlier like everybody else?
Get some water, motherfucker,
'cause your jokes didn't pay for this damn orange juice.
But can your jokes take the trash out?
Huh? Can your jokes take the trash out?
Huh? Can your jokes cut the grass? Huh?"
I was crying like a son of a bitch.
"[crying] Why you have forsaken me, Lord?
I used to be The Lavell Crawford.
I done fell off so fast.
I didn't even go through the stages of drug abuse, alcohol.
I ain't get a documentary. Hell, I ain't even get
a Unsung on TV One, y'all.
Why you do me like this, Jesus?"
And then my mama called. "You need to call
the Unemployment Office and get your unemployment."
I said, "Ah, Lord, I went from 30-city tour
to now I'm calling the Unemployment Office."
My mama, "Stop. Stop all that bullshit crying.
Shit, I-I called them. I got six months back stimulus
plus my unemployment.
I'm getting $2,200 every other week."
I said, "Shit, what's that number again?"
I ain't even say, "Hold on." I just clicked the fuck over.
[laughter]
A little Black girl answered the phone.
"Yes, yes, this is Lakeisha at the Unemployment Office.
How can I help you?" I said, "Hi, Lakeisha.
I heard you're giving people back stimulus money
plus their unemployment?" "That's correct, sir.
We're really helping people out."
"I'd like to help myself out, too.
Can I get my money, too?" "Sir, let's get you a file.
Your name in the files and get you going.
What's your name, sir?" I went, "[clears throat]
[laughter]
Lavell Crawford." She's like,
"The Lavell Crawford?"
I just hung up the fucking phone.
I said, "This heffer's about to set me up.
She gonna have me on Instagram Live and...
[laughs] TMZ.
"Guess who just filed for his unemployment?
The Lavell Crawford. That's right.
The Lavell..."
When my cousin who ain't worked in 30 years
said he was getting $3,500 I called Lakeisha
right the fuck back.
I was like, "Hi, Lakeisha, you know who the fuck this is.
Yes, this is The Lavell Crawford.
Could you put my name in them files
so I can get my $3,500 right now?"
My shit's still pending.
[laughter]
I ain't got my shit yet.
[laughs]
But, I mean, you know, that's one thing
I gotta salute my wife. She--She got me
through this shit, man. She got my--
That's why I love-- I love Black love.
I love it. I love it!
I love white love, too. You got it.
-[cheers and applause] -I love it.
For real. My wife been there, man.
I mean, shit, she-- she been--
I got my wife, you know, I was weighing 550 pounds.
I don't even know why she was with me.
I-I'm glad she never woke up, you know what I'm saying?
For real. I mean, and people only wanna
try to get you with smaller people, you know?
Bigger people-- when you a big person,
"You need to get a girl your size."
I don't got no problem with big women.
I think I love you, but, damnit, I can't be with you.
"Are we gonna do it? All right. Why you sweating?"
"Why you sweating?"
"You eat my chicken? Did you eat my damn chicken?"
"We can't do nothing freaking then.
Move your titties to the left." "Move yours to the right!"
"Hold your stomach up." "Hold your stomach up."
Try to go down on her. I can't even find it.
I'm down there... [laughs]
her thigh wet as hell. I'm like, "You know what?
Let's just put our clothes on and go to Golden Corral."
[laughter]
It was so hot down there, felt like I had
a hoodie sweater on.
[laughs]
My wife been with me through the thick and thin.
I'm telling. She--She's been--
When I mean the thick, I mean the real thick.
She's so beautiful. She used to find my dick
for both of us, you know what I'm saying?
Love. Now go, "Hold your stomach up
and don't let it down till I get outta there."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Okay!" She like she down there
working on the Chevy truck.
I'm like, "You find it?"
"Yeah, I found it, but he's very scared now."
And she--And she was brave. She let me get on top
every once in a while. I be on top for a minute.
My arms start shaking. She said, "Uh-uh.
-Lay on your back. -[laughter]
Lay on your back. You getting tired.
Uh-uh. You getting tired.
Last time you collapsed on me, I missed a week of work.
[laughter]
I love her to death, man. I'd kill--
I'd kill her dead if she ever left me.
"You ain't going nowhere, woman.
That--You my boo." I love--That's real love
when you trying to kill your-- "I'd kill you dead
if you ever left me."
I mean, I ain't gonna-- I ain't getting nobody else.
That's real love right there.
How many men would kill they woman if they left?
[single cheer]
One crazy man back there.
You blessed, sir. You blessed.
Women like a crazy man. If your man won't willing
to kill ya-- I ain't saying kill you for real,
but... if shit got real deep...
he'd fuck your ass up, you know what I'm saying?
And women like crazy men.
Like crazy men like crazy women.
They do. Dude'll be--
A crazy woman, they got some good booty.
That's what it is. They ain't going nowhere.
Dude be like, "This crazy ass heffer going through my email.
She's inboxing heffers that I don't know.
She all going through my text messages.
She's crazy as shit.
She be watching me while I sleep.
I'm sick of her ass." I'd say, "Well, leave her.
Leave her then!" He be like, "Eh...nah.
I ain't gonna leave."
[laughs]
And women like crazy dudes. They like 'em crazy.
He be watching your ass while you sleep.
Be driving down the highway at high speeds
just staring at you. Ain't even looking at the road.
You be like, "You need to watch the road.
You act so stupid all the time."
You know you crazy and you leave him.
You sneak off to your mama's house.
He pull up in front of your mama house
at three o'clock in the morning. Honking the horn.
[honks]
Your mama comes to the door. "She don't wanna talk to you!"
"This ain't between me and you, Mrs. Brown.
Let her come to the door and I'll put the gas can
back in the trunk.
But if she don't come to the door,
I'ma burn both you hoes up right now."
Her mama be like, "Girl, go out there
and get yo husband.
If yo daddy would've did that-- if he would've threatened
to kill me, I probably would've still been with him."
-[man] Oh, Lord. -Man...
[laughs]
But there's been some crazy times.
That's why I'm glad I'm married. I got me a woman I--
That stayed. I ain't trying to be
out in this world. This world got crazy.
Shit, I live in Houston, Texas.
We fucking had a snow storm. I legitimately think the Lord
is on His way back.
I just wanna be outside with my suitcase
'cause He coming back. It snowed in Houston, Texas.
Now, if you've ever been to Houston, Texas,
it's like Tempe, you know?
Tempe get around-- I think the lowest y'all get
about 45. That's like Houston.
Houston don't get around about 45, 50,
but it get about 300 and 99 degrees
all summer long. Even at fucking night.
It gets so hot my air conditioner be crying.
[groaning]
[sobbing]
[wailing]
What the fuck is wrong with that shit?
So, when we had fucking sleet and snow...
fucking come down,
it shut down the whole fucking city.
Our electricity went off and everything.
And I was just thankful I was in a better neighborhood
where I had, you know, I had a couple white folks
that could help me out. 'Cause white folks--
-[laughter] -I love my Black people.
Don't get me wrong, but we are not good
in apocalyptic situations.
For real. I'm sorry, Black folk.
You can get offended if you want to.
I don't give a fuck, but you know
you ain't ready for a zombie crisis.
You ain't ready for electricity going the fuck out.
If the electricity go out at Black people's house,
we look at the bill. That's what we be like.
"I don't know what is going on.
Call the company 'cause I paid that shit.
I know I paid it."
"The whole street lights out." "That's they business.
I wanna make sure our shit ain't cut off."
White folks know how to handle theyselves during
this fucked up shit. Black folk be like, "Man..."
I had some Black friends die during the blackout
Niggas didn't have no heat gonna bring the grill
in the house.
Nigga slow-roasted to death sitting up in--
sitting up in Heaven smelling like brisket.
[laughter]
I just wanna know who was the genius that said,
"Let's bring the grill in the house!"
"Now you thinking." No, he ain't.
I was hanging out with my white friends,
he bought-- he bought a generator.
I said, "Why you buying that generator?"
He's like, "You never know."
I said, "Bob, why you buying that shotgun?"
"You never know." [laughs]
"Why you storm--putting storm windows up?"
"You never fucking know."
"Shit, why you got a Pitbull and an alligator?"
"I don't know." You know?
But I-I bought all that shit.
I bought that generator. Didn't even know how to use it,
but I was sitting up there mad as a motherfucker.
I said, "Now how the fuck do you work this shit?"
He had to come over, "Fuck, you gotta fucking put
gas in it, you gotta turn the motherfucker on,
and then you plug shit into it."
Man, he put that motherfucking gas in there,
we turned that bitch on, we started plugging everything.
All the lights on in the house. We helped out a couple
of niggas across the street. Like, "Let me get some
of that electricity, player. What's going on, dog?"
I'm selling electricity. I was the company then.
I called the electric company. Said, "Fuck you!
Turn my shit off, bitch!
I ain't never paying another fucking electric bill
in my fucking life.
I got a generator, bitch.
All I need is a half-a-tank of gas
and I can keep my lights on all goddamn day!"
[cheers and applause]
And we--we had gas. We thought the oven was off,
we found out you can light the burner.
I was like, "Well, goddamn.
I don't need none of that shit no more."
I tell ya, I called the gas company I said,
"Don't turn that shit on no more.
We gonna keep the gas on, bitch.
Just keep it on. We're gonna run it the way
we fucking want to." Only problem we had
was the water. We--The water was hard
'cause we--you know, seems like we--
when the water bad-- when the water ain't working,
see, that's when you gotta shit the most.
It's like, you know, my--there wasn't no water coming
in the toilet. My wife said,
"Get a bucket of water and hold the lever down
and just let it flush down." I was like, "All right."
I had took a monster shit and I said,
"That can't stay in there.
That's gonna be worse than the pandemic."
I took a bucket of water and I flushed that sucker down.
That water went, [rolls tongue].
I don't know where it went, but there's always
that one, little turd that stay the fuck around.
It's sitting around in the toilet.
I-- [laughs]
No matter how much water I put in that son of a bitch
it wouldn't go down.
[laughter]
But--But--
But the beautiful thing is we made it
through all this bullshit. We made it through all the shit.
We realized we--we smarter than were, too.
-You know what I'm saying? -[applause]
Ev--Everybody in here, you could--
Ain't nobody can say they life is worse than nobody else.
We all went through it, motherfucker.
It all was bad for every fucking body.
I thought Jesus was coming back, but I said,
"I guess He gonna wait 'cause He's gotta put a mask on.
He gonna wait."
For real 'cause I was ready to go to Heaven.
I know Heaven off the chain. Kobe Bryant up there.
You know the basketball team undefeated.
You know that. You know there's good comedy
up there. They got George Carlin,
Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac.
Shit, comedy off the chain up there.
They got good music. Aretha Franklin.
[cheers and applause]
Aretha Franklin up there. You got Prince,
but God made him put on pants, you know?
[laughter]
Michael Jackson up there, but he can't--
he had to stay away from the small angels.
[audience groans, laughs]
[laughs]
-Oh, fuck you. -[laughter]
Fuck all of you 'cause when he was on Earth
you son of a bitch said, "Yeah, he fucked them kid!"
Soon as he died, "Oh, Michael!"
I love Michael Jackson like everybody else.
I was the only fat kid on the block
with a Beat It jacket that didn't zip up.
[laughter]
None of the zippers. I mean, none of the zippers.
Even the sides. They was like, "Mm-mm."
[laughter]
You're a pig, you're a pig
You know it
Yeah, everybody up there. I mean, hell,
Whitney Houston might be up there.
I ain't for sure.
[audience groans]
What?! I ain't up there!
Shut the fuck up! You--You ain't up there, either!
Like--Like she gonna-- She--You know
when she was on Earth she had a little suspect shit
going on. They asked her,
"Whitney, we heard you bought some crack."
"[scoffs] Show me the receipt."
Come on, now.
And y'all blamed poor Bobby Brown.
Bobby Brown was a mess, but he--
he didn't fuck her up. They fucked each other up,
you understand? Let's keep it real.
Stop fucking fronting. Y'all be fronting too damn much.
That's what's wrong with the fucking world today.
You know, we front too much. Let's keep it the truth, man.
I mean, we don't know. I ain't in Heaven.
When I get up there, I'll come back down.
"Yeah, Whitney up there." You know?
She just like Rick James. Rick James up there part time.
[laughter]
He up there part time. So when he get perform--
get done performing, "All right, Rick,
get back down stairs.
You done performing. Last time we left you up here
unsupervised you snorted all the clouds."
He going back downstairs. Fire and desire
Well, I'm glad you decided fire 'cause that where
the fuck you going.
But--But, you know, the thing about it you learn
how to survive. The only problem I had
is I had a dog still. I was like,
Dumb motherfucker, I don't need no fucking dog
right now in a pandemic. Get your stupid ass outta here."
And that motherfucker had the nerve to get sick.
You know, and that's when you need to keep your hood life.
And I fucking felt sorry for that motherfucker.
Back in the day, my dog get sick,
I'd throw him in the trash can, you know what I'm saying?
And I know you white people don't wanna hear that.
Like, "Uh..." Fuck you!
You get sick? Motherfucker, I don't even go to the doctor.
I'll be damned if I pay to take your dumbass to the doctor.
We usually get wraggly ass dogs that live fucking forever.
I had a dog lost two legs. He walking on two legs.
Walking. That motherfucker--
[laughs] He walked like a super model all the time.
That motherfucker lived till he was 138.
Fuck you, dog!
He get--My dog got sick and the pet bill was $6,000.
And then he gonna come home and shit on the floor?
I kicked $6,000 outta his ass.
Yes, I did. I certainly did.
Disrespectful motherfucker.
He can't even protect us. He can't do shit for us.
He can't kill nothing...
but time. That's it. He kills time.
[audience chatting, laughing]
All this shit going on. I click on the news,
white people done lost they damn mind.
2021 started off with a bang.
White--[laughs]
Donald Trump--I said it before, I'll say it again,
he is a real nigga and I don't give a fuck.
You know he is. He did more nigga shit.
When he lost, he did-- he lost and got impeached
and he did what any nigga would do.
He said, "I ain't going nowhere.
I don't give a fuck, bitch.
You need to count that shit again."
"Donald, you fired." "Bitch, I put on everything
I love, ho.
You better count that shit again.
I ain't going no motherfucking where.
Bitch, I'll smack the shit outta you
you say I lost again, bitch.
Did you count? Did you count?
[laughter]
Did you count? Count that.
Bitch, go get my shit outta the trunk.
I don't give a fuck. I ain't going no where.
You fired, bitch! You impeached!
I don't even know what 'peach' is.
I like peach cobbler.
Better bring me some peach cobbler
'cause I ain't going fucking no where."
[laughter]
And when he lost--when he lost, that's when them
Good Ole Boys lost their mind.
Them motherfuckers-- I was watching the news
and I seen them white people on the news.
'Cause when you see Black people snap,
we just march. We shall overcome
That's it. We--We march down the street.
We got flags. "No justice, no peace!
Black pride! Black power!"
We wear a little T-shirt. That's it.
You see one crazy dude throw a fire bomb.
"It was him!" We don't--We don't--
[laughter]
We pretty peaceful, but when you see--
[laughs] when you see white people on the news
snapping the fuck off,
you be like, "What did happened?"
You seen them white people there--
in that Capitol Building? Them motherfuckers was snapping.
You heard, We're not going to take it
No, we're not gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore
Got a 12-gauge and a bloodhound.
Them motherfuckers-- They was snapping!
These white boys were snapping. [laughs]
They climbing the wall! We're not gonna take it
They climbing the wall, but the stairs
was right around the corner.
[laughter]
Them motherfuckers said, "Fuck the stairs.
We climbing this wall." Couple of 'em fell off the wall.
"Aah! We're not gonna take it
They was snapping the fuck off.
But I love Black people. Black people always saying,
"You see? See, that's white folk.
'Cause if that was us... if that was us..."
I say, "That'll never be us."
[laughter]
First of all, I think we were invited.
Like, "Come on, you're American just like--
We're not gonna take it
and you're not gonna take it! Come on!"
"What time ya'll going down there?
[laughs]
"7:30 sharp!"
"In the morning?
And what you mean by 'sharp'?
You mean...right at 7:30?"
"Yes, 7:30 fucking sharp!
We're not gonna take it "
A brother'll be like, "Shit, 7:30?
Damn, I don't get off till nine.
I'm gonna be tired than a motherfucker
trying to wake up that early.
Like, I go--" [laughs]
"Are y'all still gonna be there at noon?"
[laughter]
[man shouts indistinctly]
[laughs]
And po--Hey, let me keep it real with you.
White folks don't play. They planned that shit.
They had blueprints
and everything up. "All right,
we gonna be out there at 7:30 sharp.
You hear that?" "7:30 sharp. We got it."
[laughter]
"Jebediah, I want you--" [laughs]
"I want you to coordinate all the F-150s."
"But I got a F-250." "Bring it on! We need it!
Because we're not gonna take it!
[laughter]
You--Y'all--Y'all block the Capitol Building.
Now, this is what I need you to do, Enos.
Enos, I want you to get as many guys
get on boots and climb the wall."
"But there's some stairs around the corner."
"You shut the fuck up, Jacob!
You always got something to say.
We don't wanna climb the fucking stairs.
We're gonna climb the fucking wall.
We're gonna surprise 'em 'cause
We're not gonna take it
[laughter]
"What you want me to do, George?"
"I want you to paint your chest...
and put a buffalo horn helmet on your head.
That's gonna really fuck 'em up."
And I love--And I love--
And I love the security guard they're saying was a hero.
That motherfucker ain't never had an emergency ever
at that damn building.
For 30 years his ass was sitting
looking at the building. Just looking at it.
"Eh.
Hey, my DoorDash came yet?"
He looked out on that mob and he heard,
We're not gonna take it
"What the fuck is that?
Is that a buffalo running up here?
Where all them F-150s come from?"
That motherfucker, he started running
in them bad ass shoes.
His feet was killing him.
"I need back up.
My feet is killing me. Bring me some Dr. Scholls."
But-- But the thing about it is, man,
it's so funny. Out here we been blessed, man.
We been blessed. I thank God.
I thank God for where we are now 'cause this shit was crazy.
I hear they were losing all they minds,
but I realized one thing.
In-In adversity there's always progress and perseverance
and I-I look at my son, I look at--I brought him
on stage and shit, but he--you know,
sometimes we forget. I always tell people,
"Don't ever be upset how far you've came."
You know? Don't ever be upset.
It may not be where you are, but be happy at your success
'cause you was over there, now you up here.
Just look at--It may be two feet or it might be three miles.
[applause]
But--But never get comfortable where you at.
Don't ever just sit. "Well, I'm good right here."
Nah, nah, fuck that, you know?
You're good today, but it ain't gonna be good tomorrow.
Always strive for better, you know what I'm saying?
You always know where you are.
No--And never get mad at--'cause nobody owe you shit.
There's always things that are important.
Like, my son will come up to me.
"Dad, I just wanna let you know."
He goes, "I really hate school."
I said, "If you don't get your little entitled ass...
downstairs and--and log in on that goddamn computer
and go to class... I wish I could go to class
sitting in my Superman underwear
eating a bowl of cereal and deleting fucking teachers.
Motherfucker, I hated school.
Every motherfucker-- I had to walk two miles
to the bus stop chased by a Pitbull and a Rottweiler
and it was one dog.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
And I don't know how this dog knew my bus schedule,
but this motherfucker-- [laughs]
this motherfucker chased me every day.
He was my motivation to get to school.
I got up there. A little fat boy running
like a pig going, "Help! Help!"
And I'd get up there, had to help the bus driver
change a tire.
Then make sure to look out so the police wouldn't get him
'cause he didn't have a driver's license.
I'd get to school. Got my ass whupped
by both bullies. The white bully for being Black
and the Black bully for being fat.
And then I'd get to class and forgot my homework
so the teacher, evil ass, gave me a F plus.
The fuck you give a nigga a F plus for?
You a dirty motherfucker. It could've been
a straight fucking F.
You gonna give me a plus on it, bitch?
I'll knock your monkey ass out.
Then I get home. My mama talking about,
"How the hell you get a F plus?"
I said, "Look here, lady, that's beside the point.
I got chased by a fucking mutant Pitbull Rottweiler,
walked up a fucking hill two miles,
changed a fucking tire." I'm eight, all right?
[laughter]
"And then get to school and get my ass whupped
twice before I get in class?
Hell with that F plus. I got an A in survival."
[cheers and applause]
Only thing I liked about school was free lunch.
I love free lunch. I love that free lunch.
I used to love spaghetti Tuesday and pizza Friday, man.
I'd save two tickets for pizza Friday, boy.
And I'd get two pieces of pizza and scrape all the toppings
off one pizza and put it on one.
It'd be like a meat lovers. [whistles]
Oh, shit! Get me one of them juice cups.
Whoo! I love that shit.
I used to fuck that up every Friday.
But then my mama got a better job
and then she made 35 cents more than the equivalency
so I couldn't get free lunch or the reduced lunch.
So I had to take my fucking lunch to school
so I had Vienna sausage and crackers
and she used to put my milk in a mason jar
so it'd taste like apple butter.
[laughter]
And on every Friday she would make what I wanted for lunch.
Like, one week she made me meatloaf,
but this week she--she made me a meatloaf sandwich, you know?
After the--You know, the excess meatloaf
on white bread with some Miracle Whip.
[whistles] Off the chain, you know what I'm saying?
But she said, "Well, we out of meatloaf, baby,
but this Friday whatever you want,
I'll make it for you." And I said, "Well, I'd love
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
She said, "Peanut butter and jelly coming up."
I said, "Cool."
She go to the-- go to the, uh, cabinet.
"Oh, we out of bread, baby. I'm sorry."
I said, "Oh, it's cool. Just give me some Vienna sausage
and crackers and I'll drink my apple butter milk
and go on about my business."
She said, "Wait a minute. I found some bread.
I found these hotdog buns. I'll just put some
peanut butter and jelly on the hotdog buns."
I said, "No. No. No, that's not gonna work.
We're not gonna do that right now."
She's like, "What? Bread is bread."
I said, "I'm not arguing with you there.
Bread is bread. In this house bread is bread,
but at that school...
[laughter]
where I'm already getting a F plus...
I'm getting my ass whupped by both bullies,
and you dress me like a Best Buy manager..."
My mama told me, "I'ma make it for you anyway."
I said, "Fine, I won't eat it at school."
I got to school. I didn't even wanna go to lunch.
Lunch is my favorite part of the day.
So, I went outside. Kids changing lunches.
Changing lunch. "I trade you some of my Cheetos
for some of your Doritos."
"I change you a Oreo for a piece of your Twinkie."
"What you got, Vell?" I said, "Hey, I'm cutting back
today, fellas."
But the Black bully, he didn't believe me.
The Black bully by the name of Erik.
And Erik wasn't your normal third grader.
He had a--He had a beard and a mustache.
He had chest hair. He worked the night shift
as the janitor at the school
and his son was in kindergarten.
He said, "You're a damn liar. I know your fat ass got a--
I know your fat ass got-- got some good--
something good. You had meatloaf last week.
You didn't give me none of that. You gonna give me
some of that damn whatever you got in your bag."
He snatched my bag and he saw that hotdog bun.
And, you know, third graders, they see a hotdog,
it's like filet mignon. "Oh, shit!
Lavell got a hotdog, y'all!"
I said, "Erik, looks can be deceiving.
Don't--Don't--
It's not necessarily a hotdog."
He said, "Shut your fat ass up and break me off a piece
of that hotdog right now before I whup your ass."
I said, "I just don't want you to be surprised
when I break it."
So, I broke that motherfucking hotdog bun.
He seen that peanut butter and jelly ooze outta there.
He snapped. "What kind of fucking appetite you got?
You putting peanut butter and jelly on a hotdog bun?
You ain't got no mustard or ketchup?"
And I broke down and said, "My mama ran out of bread."
He started laughing. "[laughs] Lavell poor!
He can't afford bread."
And I ran off crying and I had to eat
with the faculty the rest of the year.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I've been Lavell Crawford.
[hip hop music playing]
[cheers and applause]
It was a great show, brother. Good job.
-Thanks, man. -We proud. Mama's proud.
Hey, man, Floyd says ya'll needed me?
Man, you know I always need you, man.
Oh, I knew I'd be back, man.
I was a little nervous.
-You know how we play with you. -Yeah, yeah.
But Junior was asking me a question
something I forgot about. He was asking me
how much--how much he supposed to get paid.
And I just remembered I let you grab the check.
-Right. -Yeah.
Let me get that back from you.
-You want the check back? -Yeah, man, I mean,
-Junior gotta get paid. -I mean, he ten.
What you gonna do with $1,200?
Hey, look, hey, man, we'll worry about that later.
Just give Junior the check, man.
-Here you go, man. -Thank you.
Thank you, dog. You be careful.
-You need a ride back? -My rent due on the first.
All right, yeah. I--You know what?
-I needed that. -We'll say a prayer for you.
I gotta go to a prayer meeting this week.
-Man, I got you, though. -I appreciate that, man.
No problem. We love you, though!
-I love you, too, man. -Now you earning now.
-Yeah. -But you know I need my 10%.
I need you to chip in on that cable bill.
-But-- -Let's stop arguing about it.
We'll argue at home. You got 1,200 in your pocket.
You got a new job. You gonna make much more money.
-Huh? Yeah. -Yeah.
Team Crawford, baby!
[hip hop music playing]
[microphone droans]
[bright tone]