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[Gwen] The dream starts like this.
I see myself getting out of the water
and I see somebody, I can't see it very clearly,
but I see a person from the back.
I follow him.
And then I see a lot of people
standing in the communal showers.
Nobody is looking at me.
There's a little hallway with four bathroom stalls.
After those four regular bathroom doors,
there's a big door.
From the moment I opened the door,
it's like things moved really quickly.
[water running]
At that moment, I see just a lot of blood.
It's everywhere and I panicked.
How can something that wasn't scary at the time
be so scary later?
Like, how can I wake up at night now being terrified,
even though back then it was like,
"All right, let's go into the shower. Let's just do this."
My mom always called me "Waterrat."
Literally, It'd be a water rat.
That's somebody who just always wants
to be in the water.
I always loved swimming, I was always in the water.
I grew up in a small town in Southern Holland,
in what I would call a very normal family.
I had loving parents, I had an older brother.
One of my favorite memories growing up
was getting together for Easter
and it'd be the whole family
and we would do this Eastern egg hunt
and I would always try to beat my cousins,
usually not successfully cause I was the smallest.
I was the youngest one in the family.
My childhood was loving, it was happy.
It was comfortable.
Yeah.
The first memory I have,
we were biking to a swim camp.
I would bike and he would bike next to me,
and it was very clear that his focus
was entirely on me.
And that felt really nice.
[alarm goes off]
He was an adult that was swimming on my team,
but would also coach us when the head couch was out.
"And I just thought, " Wow, why is this big swimmer,
this cool guy, that everybody has respect for...
why does he put so much emphasis
on getting to know me?
"And why is he asking me all these questions?"
I just felt like he really cared,
and he became my best friend.
There were moments where I was afraid of him,
but most of the time I wasn't
and that just feels off. That feels weird.
It feels like if somebody hurts you,
you should be afraid of them
and you should be angry at them afterward.
So, when you don't feel anger and you don't feel...
like you were afraid of them
then it must not be something that was wrong.
It's not logical.
[starts crying]
My boyfriend, actually, he said,
"I think you need to not run away from it
and really try to face it."
Actually, what a lot of people don't realize is how much traumatic is
with something that happens so long ago.
Well, even 18 years later,
almost every week that something happens that, like,
triggers some, like, tears or even panics.
[Gwen] I know I need help. So I started calling experts.
[phone rings]
Thank you for making the time to chat. Hey, how are you?
He was both an older teammate
and then he would swap in for the coach.
So he would get me gifts and cards and letters,
and he would say, "Gosh, you... I know you're 11,
but you're actually 18 in the way that you behave."
And after hearing my story, they all said the same thing.
It's classic grooming.
I started thinking, "What's this grooming thing?"
I feel like it's something that I really need to understand.
[Oprah] Most kids are molested by people that they trust.
Either a family member or a close friend.
That is how it happens,
and the grooming is what makes it possible.
I liked him
and I would tell him I liked him,
and I liked the attention.
He makes the child feel that the child is a part of it.
[Gwen] I thought that because I liked him
it wasn't really abuse.
But maybe it was.
Confusion is actually the biggest thing
that keeps people powerless.
After learning about grooming,
I was, first of all, really angry.
[Gwen] Why had I never heard from this before?
Why don't we all know about this?
So I decided that I wanted to make a film.
This is what I need to do, and this is a story
that I can tell because I went through it.
[man] Okay, let me know when you're good.
Hey, Barbi.
[man] And it's all yours.
What happened when you learned what grooming was?
[Barbi] When I learned about grooming,
I started really reflecting back
and remembering,
"wow, like, all these incidents
that I thought were joyful and fun, he...
he was grooming me.
He was setting me up for this abuse.
I think he targeted me
because he could spot my desire to please.
It was hard for me to express myself
and I never really felt like I fit in.
I was really quiet.
I really kept to myself.
I think I was always quiet and sort of reserved,
and always had, like, a book that I would be reading.
My parents fought constantly
about finances and lack of money.
That constant emotional upheaval within the house
made me feel very vulnerable.
What I started to realize is that what happened to me
wasn't the exemption, it was the rule.
[Andy] I would suggest you consider proxy clarification
and what happens is you take the victim,
have an offender match them who's really in recovery
and have them just have a conversation.
There's a woman who called me one day after I did a workshop
and she said,
"Could you hook me up with one of these proxy clarifications?"
We did it,
and 'til she died, I got a card every year
and the essence of what she said was,
"I felt responsibility,
like, almost a physical sensation of it
lifting from me,
and I finally felt free at last."
[man] Up and here you go.
Okay.
This is file 1. Mark, cameras A and B.
Okay, give me about 30 seconds in here.
[Gwen] Okay, it's good? Awesome.
What are the steps that you go through
when you would groom a child?
[Dennis] Well, I was very confident in my grooming.
I was very confident
that I could make a kid like me.
First of all, you have to pick the right child.
You know, the one you feel most comfortable with.
The one that you heard things about him in the family,
that's may be having a hard time.
"Who do I think I could train?"
I was very trusting.
- Insolated. - Alone.
Quiet.
On my own a little bit.
[Gwen] I was an insecure little girl.
My body language probably showed up a little bit.
I was really struggling with who I was,
why were my friends not accepting me.
I was really looking for somebody
that cared for me.
[Jim] Can you spot the sex offender?
Is it Mr. Businessman here or is it Deathroll tall guy?
The answer is yes, no, both, maybe, I don't know.
So, how does a sex offender groom a victim?
Adolescent female victims tell us,
"He was my best friend."
"I'm going to do things and buy things for you."
"I'm going to send you cards,
I'm going to give you little bracelets
or I'm going to send you flowers.
I'm going to give you things."
[Gwen] As you were talking, I was remembering
the letters and the cards that he would give me,
and it almost felt like you were telling my story.
Guess I always viewed him as somebody who just made
a little misstep
and he just happened to fall in love with me
at the wrong time.
[Jim] If the offender has done their job grooming,
it's going to feel like, "I was special to him."
You know, you are one of many who are special to him.
- That's the issue. - Do you think that?
From what I know about your case, I can almost assure you
there were other victims out there.
Absolutely other victims.
His grooming process was very smooth.
Very smooth.
You mentioned you have letters,
I think that if we look at those letters,
that we're going to see that that process
is very well done.
You don't get to be that good at it by accident.
[Jim] You get to be that good at it through practice.
I've always firmly believe it was just me.
That he would never do this to someone else,
and I've never really thought
about there being other victims.
[Gwen] And it changes the story.
So, I'm considering potentially going to Holland
to talk to my family and maybe talk to the police.
Your family knows nothing?
[Gwen] When I was starting to get all these dreams,
and I remembered what had happened,
I actually told them.
[Jim] And how long ago was that?
That's when I was about 17.
- [Jim] Okay. - So, long time ago.
- [Jim] So, where did that happened? - The "where."
So we had one conversation at night,
and I remember my dad running out on the street
with a baseball bat and he was like, "I'm going to kill him."
And, like, so, so, so angry.
And then we never talked about it again.
The location while thinking about this
is going to be a heck of a trigger.
Expect to be affected a lot.
[Gwen] I'm going to Holland, actually, in two days.
It makes me very nervous, cause on the one hand,
I feel a lot of conviction and I feel a lot of power
and, like, I need to go do this and I need to,
you know, make sure that there's no other people and...
But then there's other days when I think,
"But I don't want to mess up his life.
What if he's married?"
I've got no idea where he is. I don't know anything
about what has happened to him.
I have not said his name in 20 years.
I've never been able to look him up,
I've never... I don't know.
It's like a physical block.
But I need to cause I do want to know before I go.
I want to have a little bit of information.
I'm really afraid to see a picture.
I don't... I really don't want to see his face.
I really don't know if I want to.
[sighs]
I can't even... I don't want to see it.
[sighs]
He showed up.
[starts crying harder]
It makes you want to throw up.
I don't know. I guess I started questioning it again
and start thinking, "was it just me? Was it..."
"Did you not do anything wrong?"
Yeah, I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again
to other people.
[Harriet] You have to organize
and accept the disorganization about what you feel.
In that case, it's a step.
It's progress.
[Gwen] After 20 years, the memories of my childhood
are just messy and blurry and incomplete.
I want to have a better picture of what happened.
Mostly I'm going to go to Holland to speak with my family
after so many years of silence.
This is the one thing
that feels like it's still standing in between us.
I am going to look for the letters.
They should all be in this little cabinet.
But is possible my parents found them
at some point and threw them out.
I want to report publicly if I can do it.
It's still something that I'm not sure of.
I think it depends on the conversations
I'm going to have.
It's going to depend on the letters,
it's going to depend on how I feel in the moment.
[Asia] He also groomed my family.
Like, for example, he asked my dad for piano lessons.
He had a sister into our dance club.
And I asked my mom recently, I was like,
"Why did you let me go with him?"
Like, "He was a man."
Like, "Didn't you think it was weird that some man
wanted to spend time with your 5-year-old?"
And she was like, "No, you wanted to go,"
and you were so happy.
"You know, I didn't think anything was going on."
Like, he didn't set off that vibe.
He didn't set off on a pedophile vibe.
Always having priests come to our home
was like Jesus Christ himself was in our house.
[Keith] He infiltrated our family structure in such a way.
I mean, my parents went to confession to him.
He knew what all their sins were.
[Gwen] This is May, '97.
So that's right about when he first saw me.
This was my group, I mean, my class,
they were kind of bullying me,
and I was really unhappy in this period.
They always called me, like, "Sheep. Dork."
But the last day of school, we had like a little party
and there was a song popular at the time
that was called, "Girl, you are as ugly as the night,"
and they started playing that song
and then they all...
They've thought about it, clearly.
Cause they all, like, went to the back
and kind of, like, moved,
so I would be the only one in the middle of the room
and then everybody would be in a circle around me
and started pointing and singing the song.
And it was so mean, it's like so...
I don't know. I'll never forget that moment.
Yeah.
So I'm going to go upstairs
and see if the letters that he kind of wrote me
like 20 years ago are upstairs.
And I don't know if they're there,
and I don't know what's going to be in them
if they're there and...
I'm actually nervous to see if there's stuff in there
that I don't remember
and I think there's pictures there too.
So they're in that bottom drawer, I think.
This one's empty. That's bad news.
I'm afraid that they threw them out.
Oh, my God, it's all empty.
They cleaned it out, it's all gone.
[sighs]
Can I take a moment?
[starts crying]
I don't know if I want to read them now.
I'm worried that it's going to confuse me.
It's going to confuse me.
I'm worried that it's going to say all these nice things
and then...
and I'm going to question it again.
[exhales]
This one's really short. But...
[man voice] "Dear Gwen,
I've known you for two and a half years now.
You know that most of the time
I've had very special feelings for you.
That I would do anything for you.
That you can come to me with anything,
no matter how big or small the problem,
I want to solve everything for you.
Gwenny, look at your beautiful eyes,
your sweet, beautiful, innocent face.
Put your soft arms around me.
Surrender to what you're feeling.
It wasn't just that little ass
that caused my little spark.
Also that playful wrestling made my desire grow.
"The thought of you makes my whole body tremble."
It's so gross. It's so gross!
[man voice] "I just want to wake up next to you"
in a single bed on Sunday morning.
I just want to take off
"your blue lingerie with my teeth."
[Gwen] I remember liking what was in them,
now I'm disgusted about them. But I remember thinking,
"It's so great all these things that he's talking about."
Like, "You're so beautiful, you're so..."
"When you do this with your mouth, you're so bla, bla, bla."
"The way you do this, you look so cute.
You look so innocent. You look so..."
It's disgusting.
Back then, I would read them, and I would think,
"Oh, somebody likes me." You know?
First of all, he would send me postcards like this.
And he's an idiot. He clearly didn't know what he was doing.
You wouldn't write all these stuff on paper
with dates on them
if you knew what the hell you were doing.
I don't think he knew that he was doing something wrong.
He doesn't. He still doesn't.
And that makes me sad.
It's like, it's just a sad soul that, like,
fell in love with an 11-year-old
and now I'm going ruin his life for it.
That doesn't feel right, you know?
[Dennis] It starts from the moment they get there.
When they get to my house, I'm grooming.
To build a trusted relationship.
I'm showing her more affection,
I'm holding her.
You know, I want her to be my best friend,
that's what I want.
I always loved my uncle,
'til 20 years later when I had my best memory.
He was special to me.
[Barbi] They would buy me gifts,
they would take me to feed the ducks.
My uncle would let me play on his CB radio,
and he would let me go in there
and I would be this big girl
sitting in the seat
with the microphone in front of me
and he even gave me a CB name, he called me, "Baby face."
Just imagine how it would be if the one who's grooming you
is of your own family
and very much liked by your father and mother
or it is even your father and mother.
How complicated is that?
To me, my dad was my hero,
so, like, I wanted to be like him.
I always thought that he was smart
and like, that he made something of himself.
He kind of seemed like a father figure to me.
[Nicole] He was around 65.
He would take me privately into the back
and ask me how I was doing.
You know, what my opinions were,
how I was doing in school.
He would make me special meals.
He was affectionate.
[Dennis] I would show the affection.
First thing when she got out of the car,
I'd be there to greet her,
hug her and hold her. I almost never left her.
She was my girlfriend to me, you know?
Rather than a little kid.
When she came in my room, I'd be on my computer.
"Come on, sit on my lap. You can play the computer."
You know?
"I don't let anybody else play it,
but I'll let you play it."
Well, I definitely was clearly his favorite.
He bought me some fragrances.
- He gave me a ring. - Lotions.
- Flowers. - Money.
- Jewelry. - Perfumes.
Ice cream.
Plane tickets.
[Dennis] I was a con artist,
and I was constantly putting thoughts on their head.
You know, I guess you can call it brainwashing.
I guess it is brainwashing.
That's what it was all about, you know?
I was getting what I want. You know, they loved me.
I knew that I had to make them think
I was the greatest grandpa in the world.
Did you, like, have code words
with your abuser
that meant something special to you and him?
[Gwen] There was this thing which I had forgotten about,
but it came back through the letters
where nine is my lucky number and he...
kind of made it his lucky number too
and there is so many references to that,
so that became like a thing.
And then when I was googling him,
what I found was that he started a company...
Don't tell me it had nine in it.
- [Gwen] With nine in it. - Oh.
[Gwen] Something that was meaningful...
- That only you and him would recognize. - [Gwen] Right.
Talk about being groomed, like...
It's just unbelievable the depth of it
- and how intricate it all became. - [Gwen] Yes.
You think it's about you, it probably isn't.
It's kind of hard to admit,
especially if you're still
in a very vulnerable place, to say,
"Oh, that guy who was saying I'm so special,
"yeah, he's a criminal. I'm actually not that special." That sucks.
The letters, the gifts, the many bike rides home.
He had become a huge part of my life.
But the crazy thing is, after I left the swim team,
I completely forgot that any of it ever happened.
It's fascinating how the minds can just block out
what's too painful to remember,
but then five years later,
when I had my first boyfriend,
I started to have nightmares.
Every night I was in the shower, I didn't recognize.
It was months later before I realized
that those dreams were actually a memory.
And when it finally all became clear,
I wrote him a letter.
I said, "I'm not going to report you,
but I want you to seek help."
And, at some point, I was walking the dog.
We were walking here
and suddenly he had this red car
and he just parked it. Like this.
In front of me and got out of the car, and I...
That's only the second time
that I was ever really scared of him
and he just gets out and says,
"I got your letter", and he said,
"You know that's a lie. You know this was real love."
And he turned around,
went back into his car and drove off.
And that's the last time I've ever seen him,
but I remember in that moment when he got out of the car
I thought I was dead.
[Harriet] So you can see how feeling sorry for the person,
and also doubting, "maybe it was pure love."
Of course you can confuse them.
[Gwen] So I'm starting to wonder,
"Do I want to report my offender or do I not?"
And part of why it's so difficult
is, "Oh, maybe it wasn't a big deal,"
and, you know, "I was... I never said no.
I feel complicit."
"Do I really want to ruin his life?"
[Dennis] Right. Well,
he was very good at grooming
because he groomed you to think that.
It puts a lot of confusion, I think, in my mind
because then I think,
"He didn't realize it was wrong.
He made a mistake,
maybe I shouldn't throw him under the bus."
But, you know, you saying things like,
"It's not going to stop."
- Like, if you're... - [Dennis] Right.
You know, his sense of sexuality
is fully developed at that age,
he's not going to suddenly not be attracted to kids,
that's not going to end.
[Dennis] Oh, no. I mean, it's not natural.
24-year-old
wants to get together with a 12-year-old?
Not unless he gets caught, it won't end.
Cause I know me.
You know, I might have stopped for a while,
but sooner or later
I would've found the right kid.
My opinion, end it. You'll feel better.
[music]
[typing]
[music]
[Gwen] The first time
I remember something happening.
We were at a camp with the swim team
and at some point we were in a jacuzzi.
Three or four kids were sitting on one side
and he and I were sitting on the other side.
And we were just having a conversation,
we were having fun.
We were just talking about what 12-year-olds talk about.
When he first touched me I thought he made a mistake.
I thought he just touched me somewhere
where he wasn't supposed to
but that was because his hand was there by accident.
And then he kept going.
And I remember just being really confused.
But I was trapped,
and I remember sitting there with a blank face
and making sure that nobody would see
because I didn't want to get him in trouble.
And that was the first time I vividly remember
not wanting to get him in trouble.
They had to specifically know what physically happened,
and they were really validating.
It doesn't matter what you said
or what you thought or how you felt,
how he felt, what he... Doesn't matter.
He is wrong. Period.
And then there's like a computer system
where they put all the dates and his age
and his date of birth or whatever,
what they know and then it spits out the term
and, like, the cite of limitation
and on most things
is like 5 years, 10 years, 20 years,
and this was like none.
There's none. This is wrong.
He should've, in, like, a Dutch expression, he said...
[in Dutch]
When he should've been the grown up here
and, like, understood what he was doing
and no, not okay.
That was nice.
[music]
[Asia] Dear heavenly Father, thank you Lord
and praise you for watching over all of us
last night and this morning at keeping us safe.
- [Voice on phone] Amen. - [Asia] Amen.
♪ You're the heart of my contentment ♪
♪ Hope for all I do ♪
♪ Jesus, you're the center of my joy ♪
[Gwen] I wanted to ask you if you would be comfortable
describing what happened, where were you at
and what was going on.
Okay.
[Denis] After I get their trust
and I feel that I could do almost anything with them,
I try to molest them.
[Asia] The first time was at the church.
I go in the back office to get the CDs,
he followed me.
And I was wearing these pants
that had the zipper in the back
and I'm bent overlooking for,
um, some CDs,
he then holds me down and unzips the pants.
And, um...
Well yeah.
When he was done,
he told me to go clean myself up
because I was probably bleeding.
One of the FOC group practices
he told me it was going to be at his house.
So I started playing and singing
and he was playing his organ
and pulling out different sheet music to practice.
And then at one point he pulled out
a pornographic magazine.
He told me that that was my lucky day
and then at one point
I remember him grabbing me by the back of my neck
and pushing myself down on top of him and, uh...
I can remember feeling like I was disconnecting
from my body.
Feeling like I was dying in a way.
20 years after the abuse I was walking with my son
through their part of the house
and I remember smelling his cologne
and just wanting to throw up.
I had a flash of my sister and me,
5-years-old, in his bed
and I see my little, beautiful sister bouncing...
He's bouncing her but on this area
and you just hear her crying and crying.
[music]
[videocall ringing]
I'd call it soul murder when you, um...
when you attack a child and when you rape a child.
You leave the body intact,
but the soul could quite possibly be killed,
destroyed, you know,
it totally changed the chemistry
in the child's brain, they've proven.
Um, and you're not the same person anymore
once that happens.
No.
[Gwen] Yeah, I definitely started to get sick here already.
And then I think I lost like 10-15 kilos after this.
"This afternoon on the boat I was looking at my legs"
and I just saw two enormous pieces of meat.
So enormous", it says.
And "So fat and so ugly."
So now I feel the need to stop eating
to get skinny, really skinny.
No more needing to feel
how I can be judged for everything I do,
for every move I make, for every bite that I eat.
I want to be gone.
"Gone. Gone."
It's something I wrote when I was anorexic.
It was like a 5 year, 6 year or whatever process and...
But my therapist, that's the one who...
The guy told me, the psychologist,
psychiatrist, whatever, and nothing worked
and then she kind of...
I feel like she just understood me
and just listened to me and tried to forget
about the eating all together
and just let go of that,
and of course we had to touch it
every now and then, but,
um, she was just like,
"It's not about that," and that gave me...
That made me trust her,
cause I felt like everybody
was just trying to stuff food down my throat,
but she was trying to actually understand what was going on.
"I want to be so skinny that there's nothing left of me."
I was 75 pound, could barely go to school,
and became too weak to swim.
[Keith] I was suffering from anorexia.
My life was, you know, spinning out of control
and, um, after the abuse ended,
everything just kind of rose to the surface
so it resulted in an eating disorder
and severe depression,
anxiety, you know, night terrors, nightmares.
There was all this going on in my life at that time.
It made me physically sick.
I've been in and out of hospitals since then.
Things I can't really explain except for stress.
I mean, I was just in the hospital
for two weeks.
I mean, stress into stroke.
And I'm kind of young for all that...
[Denis] After the molesting,
the big thing is use the trust
to keep her quiet.
This is secret, don't tell anybody.
You don't want to get grandpa in trouble.
Then I won't see you anymore.
You know, we can't go and do things.
You know, and I build that up a little bit more.
You know?
Uh, but getting somebody to tell you something
that she hasn't told anybody else
or he hasn't told anybody else
and then holding that,
you know, so that you know that if you ever tell on me,
I'm going to tell on you.
I go back and forth on everything,
he explicitly said,
"don't tell anyone, you need to keep it a secret."
But it was... It was just really clear
that it was supposed to be a secret.
I don't know how I knew or why I knew,
but I knew to not say anything.
[Barbi] Like, why didn't I say anything?
They must've said something to me
to convince me not to say something.
They start with little secrets,
they're testing to see if you'll keep the secret.
- Oh, interesting. - So it might be
that he takes you some place
that you weren't supposed to go
or gives you a little tiny gift
that he can explain away if it ever comes to light.
And so there's this building up to secrecy.
You start with ones, you test. "Okay, will he hold that one."
Then "will he hold that one?" That's grooming. Straight up.
He started putting extra money in my pay checks every week.
He would say, "Oh, just don't tell anyone about this.
This is just between me and you."
I just remember him always saying
"Don't trust other people.
Don't talk to other people
about what happens in the house."
My dad asked why I didn't tell him...
I had to keep telling myself, "Okay, I'm a good girl.
I'm a good girl.
I'm still a good girl, it's okay.
I'm okay. I'll be okay."
But for some reason I just...
I felt like I shamed the family somehow.
So I didn't want to talk about it.
[typing]
Whoever is a sex offender is going to deny.
They're great at lying,
they're the best at lying
and it's funny because when I was younger
that's when I started lying.
"Did you do that?" "No, I didn't do it."
As I went through life it got easier, you know?
And it just got to be a part of my being, I guess.
The part of me that is groomed
would expect him to be arrested,
go in and say, "I'm so sorry that I hurt her."
I never intended to do so.
I really loved her, cared for her,
and I'm so sorry to hear
"that this is the impact that it's had on her."
That would be consistent with the person that I saw
and the person that portrayer care for me and love for me.
He is taking a stance against me,
makes me see a different side of him
and it's almost like he's ungrooming me
in a way, it's making me see
he maybe more for what he is
versus how he portrayed himself
towards me for all those years.
That's just exactly why it's good
to have the knowledge
of maybe you've seen two sides of the person.
That helps. That helps to clear confusion.
He doesn't even want to admit
to have sent me the letter, are you kidding me?
[music]
I got pregnant as a result of the abuse of my father.
Um...
I was 15.
He tried a natural remedy for an abortion.
Aspirin mixed with some other things
and that then led to him taking me
to an abortion clinic
when I was pretty far along in the pregnancy
and I was awake while the procedure happened.
He even said,
"You should be thankful
that your dad brought you here,
there's not a lot of parents who would do that."
Um...
That moment I think shaped
the beginning of me, like,
really separating in a way from him.
He got a sentence of 20 years.
[Gwen] How did it feel when he was convicted?
[Denis] I just got off of work,
it was 6 o'clock in the morning
and as I was driving home,
whoever was on back on me, kept following me.
And I started to get nervous.
When I came around, I pulled on my driveway,
in front of me there's the state police.
Federal officers.
I'm like, "How am I going to lie?
What am I going to say?"
I didn't even think about what I did yet, I mean,
I did it, but now I want to get out of it.
I sat down with my head between my legs
and I though, "My God what did I do?"
You know, "What's..."
I'm thinking of prison,
the bars and these crazy guys that are there.
I mean, all these things went through my head
and I get a call,
and I'm thinking "Who is this now?"
I answered it
and it was my step-granddaughter.
She's the one I molested.
She says, "Grandpa," you know,
"I'm sorry
that I had to get you in trouble."
You know? I mean, see?
The lies I told her,
she was actually feeling so much guilt
because of that.
You know, she was apologizing for,
you know, doing the right thing.
I want to share something with you
that happened this morning.
Um...
You're, like, the second person
that I'm telling,
and I got an e-mail this morning
completely out of nowhere from a girl in the same team
who said,
"Are you talking about this person?
Cause this happened to me."
And it just, I don't know.
It just broke my heart, you know?
But I think I've never been prouder
that I reported or proud of anything I've done,
maybe, after when I got that e-mail
I just thought I did the right thing,
you know?
I would be interested in hearing your process
of how you did that because I've never reported anything.
I think for everybody the process is different
and what is right is different.
I don't think there is an answer
for everybody that's the same.
But in my case, it was hard.
It was so hard to talk about it
and to go through the question.
They told me that if this happened
it is a crime and a really serious one.
[sobbing]
Now I feel more motivated also to go
and appeal and tell the prosecutor
that they're wrong. It's like,
"You've got to get this guy off the street."
I didn't really feel that before.
Before I was, "Oh, I didn't validate me a little bit.
Maybe I didn't want to take it seriously,
then you start feeling like, doing it."
Now, I'm like "Go get this guy.
Go get him now."
I was told that to have any chance
of reopening my case I needed to do two things,
try to get DNA on the letters.
Even though the prosecutors
said they couldn't find any DNA,
try to find it,
and then try to get a handwriting sample from him
to match to the writing of the letters.
As a first step I took the letters to a lab.
- Welcome. - Nice to meet you, thank you.
- Follow me. - Thank you.
[Gwen] We are looking for a second opinion.
We have evidence in the form of letters,
but they're not able to match the suspect to the letters.
And so what we want to try and see
is there really no DNA,
cause we still have the stamp on the card.
Does that mean that the stamp was no tested?
Would you take it out?
Usually if we would test the stamp on DNA
then we would, indeed take it out.
Especially if it's an old letter,
maybe the person who left the DNA licked it.
- Mm-hmmm. - And it's well isolated
on the card so it would be one of the best places to start.
So is my DNA going to be all over?
Your DNA is definitely going to be there
- if you touched it. - Right.
So I think it would be best
if we take a reference sample of you too.
It takes about four weeks until we send the answer.
[typing]
[doorbell rings]
Hey.
[Gwen] Raimondo told me it would probably
take a while before he would get
the right opportunity to get a handwriting sample.
But in the meantime,
he found out that my offender
lives just five minutes away from my parents house.
He had blacked out all his windows.
He never married and he doesn't have a family.
He found out that he remained
at the swim club for years after I left,
and as recently as three years ago
he was working at summer camps.
I'm a little nervous.
Well should I get straight to the point then?
Yes. Let's do it the Dutch way and get straight to the point.
Okay. So as we investigated
five of your letters that you gave
and we found two profiles, one female profile,
which was yours
and so there was one other profile too.
And is it a male profile?
Unfortunately, I'm not able to say
or disclose that
because of the regulation with respect of privacy.
- Okay. - Same profile
on three different items.
Yeah.
That's really good news.
Yeah.
It's a great result,
especially after such a long time
that we were able to find something.
It was rather quite a clear profile.
It's really good news, so...
Yeah, I think it's the best result
that you could've hoped for.
Thank you.
- Okay. - Have a good day.
I have zero... There's zero part of me
that feels bad for him.
Literally, there's nothing.
After weeks of surveillance,
Raimondo finally had his opportunity
to try and get the handwriting sample
we needed.
[music]
[Gwen] When I saw the handwriting sample
that Raimondo was able to get
I was amazed at how similar it was
to the handwriting I had been so familiar with
as a little girl.
[music]
It feels a little bit like a point in time
where I have now truly done everything I can
and there's no possible move for me to make
other than going to the prosecutor and saying,
"This is everything we found."
Please take a look and see
"if you want to reopen the case."
That's all we can ask for.
I don't want him to be out there
and just be able to do whatever he wants
and go to summer camps just because nobody
is trying hard enough.
Now we have to wait and see.
[Denis] I'll probably never stop crying about it,
but I understand it a lot better.
I can't change the past and what I did,
so if you're going to evaluate me,
evaluate before you see now.
You know that kind of thing?
I want to be that better person
and I know I am,
but I still have those thoughts, you know?
That I did do that.
Tell me how you're feeling.
And one thing we talked about a lot
is the need to separate the healing process
from the legal process.
That's one of the biggest learnings I've had.
You know, if nobody validates me
and if he never goes to jail
or if he'd never gotten arrested
that doesn't mean that I can't heal.
I feel better. I feel stronger.
Computer hug.
[Barbi] Okay, I've been taking care of myself
and going to therapy and everybody
that I'm close say, like,
"You just seem so much lighter."
Like I don't have that weight on me.
I mean, I still... There's days that are hard,
but generally speaking just been able
to go through with it
and to tell you guys and to share with you guys
my story it's made such a difference.
It's just so powerful to feel like you're not alone in it.
Thank you.
As the abuse ended,
I had a very difficult time
connecting with my own first name, Keith
because my first abuser, his name was Keith.
And so I used my grandparent's name.
35 years I've been using that name
and it's only recently
that I've been able to feel more comfortable
with my name
and having been able to integrate
full three names, now I feel complete.
Now I use Keith Renard Brennen.
And feel comfortable with that.
I try to put myself in a position
where childhood abuse, that whole experience,
was the worst part of my life.
There seems to be a future beyond
trying to outlive pain.
I mean, whether like dream more about my life.
Music is my life. For me is a second language.
I wrote "March on"
because I wanted to feel better.
♪ It hurts so bad ♪
♪ Dropping a melody that lasted all night ♪
♪ I know that joy comes in the morning light ♪
♪ So I march on to a new song ♪
♪ Cause something's marching to all unwavering love ♪
♪ And I move on ♪
♪ And take no steps every day ♪
♪ Cause I know there has got to be another way ♪
♪ And bright on day, ♪
♪ So I march on ♪
[Gwen] Thinking back to how I was or felt
when I started this whole process
and how I feel now,
it's a little bit like there's a different person.
It used to be this soup of confusion
of "I don't know if it's wrong,"
"I don't know what he..." "Was I wrong?"
"Was he wrong?" "Was it even wrong?"
"Is he a bad person" "Is he a good person?"
"Is he nice?" "Is he not?"
"Is he going to do it again?"
That's... All those thoughts were in my head all the time,
but now I know that he was wrong,
and I wasn't.
[music]
♪ I thought it was nothing more than a papercut ♪
♪ But it ripped me open like an envelope ♪
♪ And I thought I could stand the scars, ♪
♪ but I found myself crumpled on the floor ♪
♪ Being cured of all your letters with ♪
♪ I sled the darkness stains on my soul ♪
♪ They won't wash away, ♪
♪ they just only fade ♪
♪ I let it fade ♪
♪ I smooth myself out ♪
♪ Don't let it get under my skin no more ♪
♪ I let is fade ♪
♪ Until there's nothing left but papercuts ♪
♪ You thought you had me shred to pieces ♪
♪ But I put me back together now ♪
♪ Stronger now I'm good with love ♪
♪ It's like there's nothing on me anymore ♪
♪ Being cured of all your letters with ♪
♪ I sled the darkness stains on my soul ♪
♪ They won't wash away, ♪
♪ they just only fade ♪
♪ I let it fade ♪
♪ I smooth myself out ♪
♪ Don't let it get under my skin no more ♪
♪ I let is fade ♪
♪ Until there's nothing left but papercuts ♪
♪ I let it fade ♪
♪ I smooth myself out ♪
♪ Don't let it get under my skin no more ♪
♪ I let is fade ♪
♪ Until there's nothing left but papercuts ♪
♪ I won't let it. I won't let it ♪
♪ I won't let it bring me down again ♪
♪ I won't let it ♪
♪ I won't let it bring me down again ♪
♪ I let it fade ♪
♪ I smooth myself out ♪
♪ Don't let it get under my skin no more ♪
♪ I let is fade ♪
♪ Until there's nothing left but papercuts ♪
♪ I let is fade ♪
♪ Until there's nothing left but papercuts ♪