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Thank you.
I have one more for you, called "I Want To Live."
But first I'd like to introduce a dear friend of mine
who's going to share a few words.
Treya Wilber.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Hello.
My name is Treya Killam Wilber.
Many of you here have known me as Terry.
I've been involved with Windstar from the early days.
Five years ago, in August of '83,
I met and totally fell in love with Ken Wilber.
I always used to call it love at first touch.
"Dear Friends,
Remember those lists I used to make...
my wish list for the perfect man?
Well, at 36, I certainly didn't think
that man could still happen to me.
Yep, love, I've finally found him.
His name is Ken Wilber.
Maybe you've heard of him.
He's revered as "the Einstein of Consciousness."
At the CAL Institute for Psychological Studies
was where I first read this Mr. Wilber's work.
I didn't think much of this until a few weeks later
when Frances called to invite me to dinner with Ken
at her and Roger's home.
It needs to be explored and maybe you'll find that answer.
Uh, we're trying to have kids,
but it's not working.
Ken and I just barely had a chance
to say hello when our two friends
began to bring up some problems in their relationship.
-It's important to differentiate, to understand...
Ken was asked to be therapist
for the evening.
But it's like there's something stopping...
But the love is there.
Which was fine,
because it gave me some time to get used to his shaved head.
-So, um, Frances and Roger told me you're like,
the most amazing woman to walk the planet.
Please...
They say you're amazing too.
Well, good night.
Bye, and good night.
-Hey, look, um...
I know this sounds strange,
but when I hugged you in the kitchen,
I felt like...
I never wanted to let you go.
-Yeah. -
-Yeah, me too...
Good night. -Good night.
-I found her.
I've really found her.
I noticed a series of subtle
energy currents running through my body
like an earnest series...
The softness of the air...
...slow energy currents
an energy that lies asleep until aroused by
the right person or event. An energy...
Be touched like that.
Deep caring, like he touched me.
-...the right person.
-Gentleness.
An energy that seemed to radiate from her
in all directions.
Willingness to support.
First through his words and what it showed of him...
An energy of vast intelligence
from the right person...
Asking questions.
The depth of his brown eyes, and then an easy melting.
Suffused with beauty.
But mostly an energy that was alive.
This woman said life more than anyone I had ever known.
Of truth...
and finding it.
And God, she was alive!
The softness.
I trust him more than... as if I already know him.
In case I read this in the future,
just to be clear,
Treya and I have not slept together.
We simply put our arms around each other,
once in the kitchen, and once shortly after.
That was the sum total of our involvement.
Though I certainly sense there is more to come.
I became obsessed
with the thought of Ken...
I'll take all these.
I-I'm just checking them out for some friends.
-Hm.
So, then I got a job as a dishwasher,
earning 350 dollars a month and sending 100 of that
to Sam at Shambhala Publications for mail order books.
And I wrote that book.
The Spectrum of Consciousness , I loved it.
And then five more books in five years. Right?
-Have you been stalking me?
-Yeah. I'm looking for a good dishwasher.
-Yeah. I bus tables too, ya know.
-What's something that no one probably knows about you?
-I wrote out all of Alan Watts' books by hand.
-All right, that's pretty exhausting.
I don't think anybody needs to know that.
-So why are you a psychologist?
-I think growing up, I never had a place
to put my thoughts and feelings.
My parents are wonderful.
highly conventional.
-Mm. The old guard?
-They did well in oil and investments.
And I think it's just reflective of the social circles
they're in as well.
But they love me enormously.
Anyhow, it makes it
so that I can afford to date authors, you know.
Well, that's okay.
You know, I'm a great dishwasher,
and I sell a few books.
Has anything like this ever happened to you?
-No.
Nothing like this.
How about you?
-Never, not like this.
-Oh, god.
-It's bigger than the two of us, pilgrim.
-So you've only known him a few weeks, Treya!
-And you've never raved about a guy, like ever.
-Mm-hm. And you have not dated a boy in over two years.
-I know. I know. He's, he's amazing.
He's just so lovable.
-So you think you might get, you know, you might?
You better.
-I think well...yes! We will get married.
-Oh, my god. Finally!
-I haven't heard you say that word
since you were three years old when you used to play dress up.
-Not only do I approve,
I'm a little worried she's getting shortchanged, pal.
-I know. -
-So what did you tell Sam about me?
-Let's see. Hmmm. No, I told Sam that if she'll have me,
that... this is the girl that I'd like to marry.
-Of course.
I was gonna ask you.
-When I met your daddy,
I was so busy with my life, but I knew he was the one.
-It's all I've ever wanted for you.
So I want you to know, honey: I am here for you,
come rain or come shine. Love you.
-Mom.
-Go get your man.
-I love you more than life.
I just can't believe it's real.
I've known you less than four months.
-I've been searching for you for a hundred lifetimes.
I've slain a thousand dragons to find you.
I love you to the depths of the ocean,
beyond the height of the mountains,
beyond the heat of the sun...
beyond time...
forever. Forever.
-Let's go get married.
-You know, when I recently opened up
a box of books that Treya sent to me, I thought,
"Ah, Treya has discovered my favorite writer."
And then I opened her letter.
"Oh, Treya is marrying my favorite writer."
-Ken, Treya, you're gathered here today
being bound not only as lovers, but as souls
to continually bring out the courageous and beautiful
from inside one another.
And here, now, like a bridge joining two lands,
we witness the joining of these two souls through love,
entering into a dance from this day forward
to unite separateness, to pierce time,
and to leap together into eternity.
-I will take you from here to forever and never let you go.
-My wife.
-Please stand.
-I know, Mom, it's a miracle.
I finish classes, Ken has some final editing,
and then Hawaii.
-Hawaii?
Yes, Hawaii.
So we'll see you at Christmas.
-All right. Um, you know, honey...
I'm...I'm just not crazy about his writing.
I just opened it,
and there was a picture of somebody humping.
-Mom, Mom, I gotta go.
-But as long as you're happy.
-Okay. Bye, Mom.
-All right. Love you.
I love you too.
-I guess I said the wrong thing.
Okay.
And now I'm gonna examine the left breast.
Now I'm going to do the right.
Do you know you have a lump in your right breast?
-What?
-Well, it's fairly large and hard.
But it's not attached to the muscle and moves easily.
My guess is it's nothing to worry about.
Maybe just a cyst.
-What do you think we should do?
-Why don't we wait a month and see if it changes in size.
It could change with your menstrual cycle.
Come back and see me in a month.
Okay.
-It's hard, which is bad.
But it's symmetrical and detached,
which is good, so don't worry.
Let's get a second opinion.
And no, nothing is gonna tear me away from you.
-Nothing.
Good, Mr. Wilber.
I hope not.
I think you're done for tonight.
-Bye-bye, book.
-
-If only I could have everything
that's inside of this beautiful mind.
-If only I could have everything
inside this beautiful heart.
-All right, ready?
Mm.
It's probably a fibroadenoma, a benign growth.
Should definitely have it removed.
-We--we leave for our honeymoon,
and then we're gone for two weeks over Christmas.
Can it wait?
Yes, I think so.
No danger in waiting three weeks.
Though, I want you to see a surgeon for his opinion.
Um, Dr. Peter Richards.
His office is close to Marin General.
Um, you know, let's give him a call in my office.
He might want to fit you in before the trip.
Okay? -Okay.
-Oh, Dr. Peter Richards.
He is wonderful.
He did my colon operation 15 years ago at M.D. Anderson.
-He's the Chief of Surgery
at Children's Hospital in San Fran now.
He says it's probably nothing but
just to be safe, he wants to take it out.
Anyhow, I gotta go pack.
-So you have your exam tomorrow and then
you're counseling. Is that right?
-Yes. Dr. Richards will remove the lump
the next day before we fly.
-Oh? All right.
And Ken is taking good care of you?
-Of course he is, Mom.
-Well, I just...
-You just what?
-Oh, nothing, honey. I just, uh--
-Mom, listen.
I know what you think
and not everyone understands or agrees with his books.
But, you know, he's more than
what's just written in those books, okay?
-All right.
-I love you. I've got to go pack.
-I love you.
-Bye.
-Safe flight.
-Honey, are we gonna do that swim across the bay?
-Is the Pope Catholic?
-Uh huh.
-Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?
Yes.
-Was Jesus a carpenter?
-Does an obnoxious husband think that he's gonna
get me tonight by asking silly questions?
-Oh, that's nice.
-It is nice.
-Soft...
So, do you think we're gonna find dolphins
out there in that ocean?
Mm-hm.
Maybe we can see some whales?
Or sharks.
This little bay right here. No sharks!
So how old were you
when you started menstruating?
Maybe 14.
Okay. Have you ever had a child?
-Uh, no. I've never been pregnant.
-Okay.
Has anyone in your family had breast cancer?
-Not that I know of.
-Okay. And has the lump ever hurt?
-No, never.
-Okay. Are you nervous
about the operation, about the local anesthesia?
I mean, if you--if you are, we can give you something.
No, I feel fine.
Good. And do you eat meat?
Nope. Vegetarian.
Oh, good for you.
All right.
-Hi. I'd like to see the Wilbers in my office.
Okay. -Good.
-I'm sorry. But the tumor is malignant.
-And, um, the detailed results are--?
-Yeah, let me get that for you.
Can I get a nurse in my office with the Wilber chart, please?
-How? It's so unfair.
-This is crazy.
Most medical and scientific information
is either inconclusive or negative.
-Okay. I just read a New Age perspective
that says illness is a lesson.
While most alternative information
is unrelenting and positive.
Did you see that Woody Allen quote?
-It looks like everybody who gets treated
by orthodox medicine dies.
"I don't get angry. I grow tumors instead."
-The one who gets treated with the alternative medicine lives.
-A film with a giant squirting boob
as a character in it.
Condemned to meaning.
-Are we wearing matching outfits?
By curiosity, or whatever design...
-Okay, Mr. Wilber.
I'll make the list.
A period of depression I went through,
repressing some emotions, eating too much animal fat.
Is it possible that somewhere inside ... worrying ...
part of me doesn't want to live?
Being too self-critical.
I just don't want you to have to worry about me.
Lonely as a child maybe.
People saying it's caused by repressed emotions
don't know what they're talking about.
-Not meeting Ken sooner.
So, what do you think?
-I like the last one.
I don't know what caused it, sweetheart,
and I don't think anybody does.
-Ken, I'm scared.
-As long as you're breathing and crying,
I won't worry about you.
Now, if you stop either one, then I'll worry.
If you want to make any changes,
don't do any of them because you think they caused it.
Do it because you want to do it anyway.
Hm? Look...
let's make it a new beginning. Hm?
-You promise?
-I love you.
-Okay, it's a new procedure.
It was pioneered in Europe.
And I think you'd be a really good candidate for it.
You see, these tumors are the Nazis of the cancer crowd
and they're not terribly impressed with
wheatgrass or sweet thoughts.
I mean, you got to nuke these bastards.
As a matter of fact, I had a discussion about it
with your mom and Rad right after I'd read about it.
-Babe?
-Um, we've certainly done the research
on the various combinations.
-For sure.
Okay.
Segmental mastectomy, that'll save lymph nodes.
Followed by radiation
and a spectrum of holistic treatments.
I like this.
-Okay.
-Babe, I can't believe this is our honeymoon.
-We'll be there in Hawaii. I'll wear that bikini.
-What are you doing?
-A hospital is a terrible place to be if you're sick.
I mean, there are germs in the hospital
that you can't get anywhere else.
If the germs don't get you, the food will.
So, I'm staying.
Besides, this is our honeymoon.
-Come in.
-You've got visitors.
-Ooh. So you are rock solid, sweetheart.
Oh. Twenty nodes out, all negative.
-I know. -That is so impressive.
Now, Kent and Kati and I went Christmas shopping near Max's,
but we didn't find a thing for you.
-Thanks, Mom.
-We are busting you outta here tomorrow.
-I can't wait!
I'm so excited! -Me too. I missed you.
-I missed you. -
-Come home for Christmas.
-We have cookies ready...
-Presents. -Yep.
-Oh, you're gonna get so many presents.
-Oh, my favorite. - Oh.
-Since your tumor was estrogen positive,
the--the hormonal shifts with being pregnant
would be like fertilizer for any remaining cells.
I think it's an amazing sign that you're--
that you're pregnant, Terry. I do.
And if, if you're free of this in two years,
you can get pregnant again.
-So we'll wait.
Hey, we'll do it again.
And you're a healthy girl
and we're gonna start a big fucking family.
Thanks, Doc.
Of course.
Sorry I haven't written in so long.
The big news now is that we're moving to Lake Tahoe.
It all came about because I accidentally got pregnant.
I cried for a week.
It made me realize how much I really want Ken's child.
Kids love Ken.
He says it's because
he's the same emotional age as they are.
We'll be clear in two years though.
Honey, are you ready?
I told the magazine I'd fax your interview today.
When we met,
he owned one desk chair, a typewriter ...
Okay, Mr. Wilber.
... and 4,000 books.
Why don't you start by explaining
what you mean by the "perennial philosophy"?
Okay, well, the human body, for example,
has 208 bones, one heart and two kidneys,
whether it appears in Mozambique or Manhattan,
whether today or a thousand years ago.
These we call "deep structures."
Well, just as the human body universally grows hair,
the human mind universally grows ideas,
and the human spirit universally grows intuitions.
-It's hard to see what many religions,
like Buddhism and Christianity, for instance, might agree on.
-Mm. We charge extra for that.
-Oh, come on. Give me six points.
-All right. One, spirit exists. Two, it resides within.
Three, most of us don't realize this
because we're living in an illusory state of separation.
Four, there is a path out of this state.
Five, if you follow this path, the result is transcendence,
which, six, marks the end of suffering.
Now take your pants off.
-Mr. Wilber!
Okay, so you're saying that spirit exists within?
-Yes.
And it's found by consistently looking within
until within becomes beyond.
-Within, huh?
Okay, so for the grand prize.
-So by looking at my mind, I eventually transcend the mind?
-Exactly.
-You wanna get something to eat?
Or I could make spaghetti again.
I'm trying to transcend.
I'm starving. Transcendence can wait.
Hello, Dr. Richard's office.
-Hi. This is Terry Killam Wilber.
Can I please speak to Dr. Richards, please?
Of course, one second.
Hey, Terry.
It's Dr. Richards.
Listen, we got the results of your test back today.
Look, I'm really sorry to say this.
It's--it's an unusual kind of recurrence.
But I don't want you to worry. We can take care of this.
So, when can you come back in?
-Uh, I can be there tomorrow.
Okay. Thank you.
If it is, it is.
Hello, how are you doing?
-Good.
Comfortable?
-Yeah.
Good.
So, when I remove your right breast today,
Dr. Harvey will be reducing
the size of your left. -Yeah.
-See, some of the cells got caught on the drainage tube.
And so when we took that out, they got caught on the skin
and were left behind.
And I promise you, we will get them all today, Terry.
Okay.
-Okay.
There.
All right, so we're gonna have to move your nipple up.
But we can do this without severing the connection
with the milk ducts.
So that way, the breast stays functional
and if you ever decide you want to have a child.
-Okay. Eighty-three. All right?
If you don't mind, can you just stand up here?
I'm just gonna-- - Uh, yeah.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to draw on you
a little bit. -That's okay.
-Hey, come in, come in. -Hi.
Um, hi, sweetie, is it--
is this all right?
It's fine, Mom.
It's okay, Come, and I'll show you.
-I'll be right back, baby.
Okay, sweetheart.
-I mean, you're like such a stud!
Total stud.
No. -Yes.
-Look, it's been with us a year,
as long as we've been married.
The program's straightforward: diet... megavitamins...
...
sexercise!
-More sexercise.
I think I was more upset about your boob than you were.
-Yeah, well, it was worth it.
-Yeah.
-The doctors seem unanimous.
-Biggest stud I know.
-I love you, Kati.
-I love you.
Hello?
Yes.
Mm-hm.
I see.
Okay, thank you.
-What?
Look, I'm barely stage two, estrogen positive, clean nodes.
-The opinions were divided.
-Just fucking tell me straight, Ken!
-Recurrence within a year.
Recurrence in a radiated area. Estrogen negative.
Grade four, stage four.
No.
I don't want it.
Please. No.
-Listen, listen.
What does this decision all hinge on?
-Intellect isn't going to save the day now, Ken.
Okay. What?
-The pathology report. Dr. Lagios.
He's the one that's been staring down the microscope
at your cells, and it's his report
that these doctors are trying to interpret.
You want me to call or you?
-Doctors listen to men. You call.
-Dr. Lagios, please.
It's Ken Wilber. It's urgent.
Dr. Lagios, I know this is unusual,
but Terry and I have some difficult decisions to make,
and I was wondering if I can just talk to you for a minute.
Dr. Lagios, our doctors are divided
as to whether Terry's recurrence was local or metastatic.
I just want to know
how aggressive the cells look to you.
Please.
Tell me, Dr. Lagios.
If this was your wife, would you recommend chemo?
And the odds?
-Whfff.
Suicide sounds nice right about now.
-The Reglan's hitting you hard.
You're having a bad histamine reaction.
Just hold on for the Benadryl, okay?
Could you start the Benadryl?
Hang in there.
We'll be back at the hotel in no time, okay?
You got this. You got this.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah. Keep reading to me.
The witness exercise from No Boundary , would you?
-"I have a body, but I am not my body.
"My body may be tired or excited,
"sick or healthy, anxious or calm,
"but that has nothing to do with my inward I.
"I have emotions, but I am not my emotions.
Emotions pass through me."
It really helps, it just doesn't last.
I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin.
Suicide sounds sensible.
Oh, god. Hm.
-Nietzche used to say
that the only way he got to sleep at night
was by promising to kill himself in the morning.
-Okay. Read me more.
The part about the... the witness being immortal.
-Sure.
"Perhaps you, like most people,
"feel that you are
"basically the same person you were yesterday.
"You probably also feel that you are fundamentally
"the same person you were a year ago.
"Put another way: you never remember a time
"when you weren't you.
"In other words, something in you
"seems to remain untouched by the passage of time.
"Your mind, your body, your feelings,
"all have changed with time.
"But you know that something has not changed.
Something feels the same."
Chemo is based on a single principle:
cancer cells divide and grow twice as fast as healthy cells.
The idea is to kill some healthy cells,
but many more bad cells.
At the end of a successful round,
the tumor is dead and the patient only half-dead.
Ken and I stood in front of the mirror together,
staring at the odd sight of the both of us,
just laughing.
Ken's been unbelievably supportive,
and that he keeps me laughing has saved my life.
When I first shaved my head,
he told me I'm the sexiest woman he's ever been with.
And then he told me he likes my head so much this way
that after it grows back,
he wants me to shave it again.
Linda Conger came up to Tahoe
to photograph us together.
During the shoot, Ken put on my breast prosthesis
and suggested Linda shoot us nude
from the waist up.
My god, the three of us laughed so hard we cried.
That's kinda how it is with cancer, I guess,
cry till you laugh and laugh till you cry.
"The rough parts were losing my period,
"mouth sores, painful bowel, blood sometimes.
"But it's amazing what human beings can endure.
"And Kristen and I hosting the group
"from the Wellness Center...
I was so inspired by the stories."
After that, it started to get tough.
Ken hasn't written in forever.
He's given up his life to care for me,
all day, all night, every day and night.
Since right when we got married.
" One night, a good friend of mine
"called to ask for some insight about cancer.
"She called for Ken and didn't even ask me.
"I defended, and then it spiraled.
"We've been getting counseling support
"visiting Frances and Roger,
though many days it just seems like it can't work."
God, it'll be almost two years.
With Ken's love, I've managed treatments pretty well.
What caught us from behind
is the emotional and psychological devastation.
And I don't think Ken can endure living only for me
without living for himself.
On top of it all, since moving to Tahoe,
Ken seems to have caught some sort of strange bug
no one can identify.
And on top of that,
I can't seem to help being defensive, even grating,
and Ken's dropped into depression.
Better news soon, but always with love, Treya.
-Hi.
Hi.
-Thank you for coming.
-Such a pleasure to be here.
I-I-I am a huge fan of your work.
I can't tell you how much your books have affected me.
-Great, thanks. Come on in.
So Ken, what are you working on now?
I haven't really
done any extended writing for some time.
Just not coming anymore.
That period is over.
-Wow.
What it must be like to be called
the greatest philosopher of consciousness since Freud,
and feel it evaporating.
-More fun than a human should be allowed to have.
-The greater the love, the greater the pain.
The greater the love, the greater the pain.
"He has no enemies.
He's just intensely disliked by all his friends."
Flatline
It's check out time.
-Can you do that in the other room, please?
-I like to read the paper here.
It's my favorite place for that. I look forward to it.
-Look, this is my office.
All three other rooms are dedicated to your needs.
Including an office. So, find one.
-No.
-This is the only thing I have left for myself.
It's not a lot to ask.
-You know, it's really aggravating when you're snide.
I'm reading here.
-Get out.
-No!
-What the fuck else can I do!
Get out!
-Get out yourself!
-You goddamn obnoxious bitch!
-Fuck you, Ken. Fuck you!
Get, get off me!
I don't know what you want!
Fuck you!
-I'm leaving.
I'm going to San Francisco.
I hate what we're doing. You can come or you can--
-Leave.
Ah, just leave.
Hi, honey, it's Mom.
You know what we think of Ken. I don't mean that.
We just don't agree with what he writes.
That's all.
Any man would be so lucky to have you.
Hi, Terry. It's Vicky.
Pick up if you're there.
So you call me
if you need anything.
I love you.
Hi, Terry. It's Vicki.
Pick up if you're there.
You call me
if you need anything.
I love you.
Hi, Terry. It's Vicki.
Pick up if you're there.
Ken called. He's in San Francisco.
He's getting help.
I thought you should know.
I want to be supportive.
You deserve each other, Terry.
I know you're listening.
I love you.
-I have to let go...
I have to let go, to hold on.
My husband.
-My wife.
-"Treya..."
My dearest.
-"My dearest, I am sorry."
I'm sorry.
-"I've searched a thousand lifetimes
"to find you, and I can't let you go, I won't.
"Not now, not ever.
"Not in this lifetime, or any other.
"I love you with all of my soul.
Please come back to me, my love..."
Please, come back to me.
-My soul.
My soul.
-"I'm coming to get you tomorrow."
"You and me. Forever.
It's all I know."
It's all I'm gonna do.
-Hello.
Hello, Mr. Wilber.
-Yeah.
My name is Edith Zundel,
from West Germany.
I'm doing a book of interviews with avant-garde psychologists
and I'd really like to interview you.
-I appreciate that, Edith, but I-I don't do interviews.
I'm staying with Frances Vaughan
and Roger Walsh. I've come a long way
and would really like to talk with you.
Please. -
-Here's the thing, Edith.
Most authors end up appearing as teachers
when they do interviews, and it's just not me.
I can appreciate that, Mr. Wilber.
I know you've only given four interviews in 15 years.
Your synthesis of Eastern and Western psychologies
has had a major impact.
It would just be a few questions, as a scholar.
All ten of your books have been hugely popular in Germany.
I even have copies in Japanese.
-Oh, the two peaceful countries.
Frances and Roger
told me about Terry. I'm very sorry.
-Okay, Edith, come on over this afternoon.
Babe!
My period returned.
Maybe I can have your child after all.
Yes, baby.
-I think Frances and Roger were right.
It doesn't matter what we say as... much as how we say it.
Hm. Yeah. Please... clean the car.
Clean the house, and... see me in the bedroom.
-You can see more of me
walking away to go garden, mister.
Chris is the only one here
who works like this. But she's vastly popular.
-Bill has an inoperable brain tumor.
I'm working on containing and shrinking it.
Bill came here on a gurney
from the hospital last week with two tumors
which Chris shrank.
But one grew back.
I would love to meet Ken later.
Up From Eden was incredible. I'm a fan.
-Okay, Bill. Off you go.
I feel the cold spot's gone. You're good for today.
Thanks.
-Treya?
Oh. Hm. Cool here.
Make sure you tell me if you feel any really cold spots.
-Cool there.
-There's something going on in the pancreas.
-Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have diabetes.
-Cancer is caused by a virus...
and that virus may still be here, hiding,
even though medical doctors say it's gone.
What I'm doing now is keeping it from moving.
I had cancer when I was 23.
It led me to all kinds of doctors and healers.
I was arrested once for healing a child with leukemia.
Can you imagine that? Like that's a crime.
It is about raising vibrations.
But it's also mathematical and totally teachable.
My dream is to go into a Third World country
and teach others how to heal.
But that's not allowed in the US.
-Hi, there.
-Ken Wilber. It's a pleasure.
-Pleasure.
-Do you want to give it a go? It's perfect timing,
and you'll both know the method for later.
-Sounds great.
We've been looking forward to meeting you, Chris.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
I feel no coldness anywhere.
You?
-Nope.
-Very interesting.
So, there are ten channels on each side of the brain.
For most people, two or three sides are opened up.
Four at the most.
In my brain, all ten channels on both sides are open to ten.
I mean, this kind of thing doesn't happen
but every 2,000 years.
The last person before me was the Buddha.
But, Ken, you are open on one side of your brain to ten
and the other side is seven.
Holy crap.
I really think that I can open the seven side
all the way up. All the way.
Okay, tell me if you smell anything strange.
Uh, I smell smoke.
-Good. Good.
-Now I smell mildew.
Oh, man.
-Both sides are open up to ten.
I'm blown away. Wow. I mean, so much for the theory
that this only happens to one person every 2,000 years.
I can't believe it. It's amazing.
Now there are two people
right here in this room.
Oh, my god.
It's so crazy.
Cheers to that.
-To Terry's clean bill of health.
Since a removed port-a-cath means
they think the possibility of another occurrence is slim.
Another tequila for everyone. -
-Trey.
-Thank you.
-Cheers! -
Happy birthday.
Oh, we love you.
Thank you.
-Make a wish. You make a wish.
-"Important voice," I think it said.
-I know, it does. -Mm-hm.
Vicky! Uh-huh.
For CSC?
A 25,000-dollar grant!
Oh, Vicky. Oh, Vicky. Yes. Yes!
Okay, okay.
All right. I'll call you back.
Oh.
Eight hundred pages in a month and a half.
Ken Wilber.
-Must be the new house.
-Yeah, mister... must be.
-She had a bone scan three months ago?
Yeah, it was clear. So just a high-density CAT scan
to see what might be causing the slight waviness in her eye.
-Great.
You can wait down the hall. - All right.
The doctor should be with you shortly.
Mr. Wilber?
It looks like there are two or three tumors in her brain.
One is very large...
perhaps three centimeters.
So we just scanned her lungs as well.
-Um.
-She has multiple tumors throughout both lungs...
possibly a dozen altogether.
I'm as shocked by this as you are.
I think the best thing to do
would be to tell her in my office tomorrow morning. Please.
I think the best thing to do
would be to tell her in my office tomorrow morning. Please.
I want to have all the information
ready for her beforehand.
-Yeah. Right. Of course.
* We rattle a gateless gate
* And push against A weightless weight *
* Looking for A stateless state *
-I don't think it's anything.
I feel clear.
-* Nicola
-It's probably related to blood sugar.
-* Whatever love creates
-We're gonna have a great life together, babe.
You don't have to look so worried.
-Right. No. Of course. Definitely.
-* And all these twins
* With different faces - * With different faces
-* Fallen from the womb - * Fallen from the womb
-* Risen from the tomb - * Risen from the tomb
-* Carried in perfume - * Carried in perfume
-* Nicola - * Nicola
-* All the ones alive today
No. No! No, no, no.
I don't give a fuck! Damn it, damn it!
-* Are the ones That passed away *
-No! It's not fair! It's not fucking fair!
-* Are the ones on the way
And I could see it written on your face.
-* Nicola -No! Please!
I don't understand.
Please. Please. Please.
Please, No, No, No, No
But I want to have your baby.
that's all.
Please, please, please.
No.
However you wanna do it... whatever you want.
Janker Klinik.
-Is that your choice?
Short-term, high-dose. Germany.
-So aggressive people
sometimes have to be put on life support.
But Bob Marley, Yul Brynner, 70 percent remission rate.
I want to go. I want to try this.
-Would you recommend this particular treatment
for your wife?
Never ask a doctor
if he recommends the treatment for his wife.
You don't know how they get along!
No, you best ask,
would he recommend this for his daughter.
-Well, for your daughter?
We do not do long-term treatments,
as is common in America.
Now we-we find that it lowers the quality of life.
We must always remember that--
that surrounding this tumor is a human being.
And also-- it also damages the soul.
This is high-dose, short-term. We knock it out.
Your white blood cell count will drop.
And then they will rise again to 1,500.
And then you can leave the hospital at
at 1,800. You can take a trip.
And when it's back up to 2,500, we can begin the next treatment.
It's two Kolsch for five marks.
Dr. Scheef installed it.
He drinks 10 or 15 a day.
-Really. Hmm.
-He says it's the only alcohol that puts more into your system
than it takes out.
-Really? -Hm.
Dr. Scheef told me about your books.
He says you're famous.
-Really?
-You know, he's amazing.
There was a German woman, severe ovarian cancer.
She wanted to go visit her son in LA,
but she didn't have money nor a visa.
And I heard Scheef, he surprised her with both
for a gift for finishing treatment.
-Really?
-Really.
Treya was running the risk
of catching pneumonia, though she went from 103.6
to just under a hundred this morning.
And Dr. Scheef thinks the radiation and sulfamide
are helping. So...
looks like we're starting a specialized chemo treatment
on Monday.
Treya, still amazing at every turn.
-Okay. I think I'm ready for lunch.
Dear loved ones,
I can't thank you enough for your letters and calls.
It feels wonderful, like floating in a caressing ocean.
And Ken has been the best
support person. It's unappreciated,
and yet he's vibrant, with dedication and humor.
He's half of my soul.
God, I love this man.
He holds my hand, makes me laugh,
runs errands, picks out fresh vegetables.
Kati was just here for ten days.
-Wow, she's an amazing listener.
Mom and Dad have been so supportive.
And Ken's parents who are so loving,
my friends in Colorado, at the CSC,
my Findhorn friends... and my sweet Vicky.
-And I have complete faith in Herr Dr. Professor Scheef
who runs the Janker Klinik.
The drug he's using, which he developed,
only just got approved in the US
because it's so potent.
I can't say how much easier it is though.
-I've moved through a lot.
From intense anger and crying,
to thoughts of death and fears of what pain may come.
-Then to thoughts of all those suffering on this planet,
and then I feel a wave of calmness.
A feeling of not being alone in it,
and some sort of greater connection.
-I read an article in the New York Times yesterday
on a study by Dr. Sandra Levy.
She found that for the survival rate of women
who had had advanced breast cancer,
the only psychological factor that seemed to matter
was sense of joy in life.
That first noble truth: there is suffering in the world.
To take part in it
feels like I'm engaged on a special journey,
only taken up by those who can handle it.
I call it passionate equanimity.
I do all I can, but without attachment to the results.
Just for the love of it.
-The love of life.
The love of life.
-Hey, Norbert. Yeah, I'm up in the room.
Am I missing any action at the front desk?
No, no, um, maybe just some towels.
Yeah, she's recovering from the second.
It's a lung infection,
so I've had to stay away while her counts are low.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, I'm journaling, you know her.
Yeah, I can't believe it. It's almost four months.
Listen, uh, I'm going to go out for a while,
in case she calls. I just, I just need to get some air.
Yeah, thanks.
-Ken!
No more drinking for you. You have to be strong.
I don't want to be strong, Norbert.
I want to be weak and spineless for a while.
Ken.
-Suits me better.
Ken.
Men and women were once whole,
but were torn in two.
Men and women were once whole but were torn in two,
and the pursuit and desire of that whole.
And the pursuit and desire of that whole is called love.
Is called love.
I think I had a dream. I was looking for you.
There was a mountain.
And an ocean.
And millions of stars.
Where were you?
Here.
And am I ever glad you're here too.
You always promised you'd find me, you know.
Maybe we're in each other's dream.
Is that possible?
Give me your hand.
"Sam, I'm only updating you because you said
"otherwise you wouldn't publish my next book
in the event I ever write one."
We've tried all the treatments
sane men have come up with.
None of them have worked, so we've settled on
the Kelly/Gonzales enzyme program.
Gonzales runs it now. He says Kelly went bonkers,
that he's out there talking to little men from other planets.
Somehow Treya and I found that strangely reassuring.
The studies are actually amazing.
The five-year survival rate
for Treya's general type of metastatic breast cancer
is exactly zero percent.
But in Gonzales' study, there are already three
five-year plus survivors, even one over 17 years.
So, it's no fly-by-night clinic,
though we would try those too if we thought it would help.
Gonzales uses blood analysis
to indicate the extent of tumor activity,
and before we told him, he nailed all the same facts
informed of through conventional medicine.
His test measures tumor activity in the body
from zero to 50, with 45 being incurable.
Treya scored a 38.
The disconcerting thing is that when it's working,
when tumors are being dissolved, they flare up.
So, Gonzales' tests showing that Treya is getting better
is interpreted by the conventional doctors
that Treya is dying.
And Treya, of course, handles this like a champion.
And Hazel'll be happy to know, if I don't write another book,
I'll be able to make it as a care person,
or at least a maid.
Like a couple of kids, somehow, we're having a ball with it.
An average CEA,
which indicates the amount of active cancer in your body,
measures zero to five.
Yours was 7.7 in January.
After your first treatment in Germany, it was 13,
then 16.7 when you got home.
This read is at 21.
Now, Treya, I'm telling you that what we're seeing here is real.
I strongly recommend starting an immediate high-dose chemo
followed by a bone marrow transplant.
We're gonna talk it over and we'll let you know.
Okay.
Dr. Gonzales' office.
Hi Lisa. It's Treya for Dr. Gonzales.
Oh hi, Treya, one moment.
Thank you.
Hey guys, great news.
Your score dropped from 38 to 33,
the biggest drop I've ever seen
in only one month on the program.
Now, some of that drop may be due to
the anti-estrogens you're taking,
but I think this is definitely gonna work.
* Nicola
* Whatever love will make
* Love erases
* And all these twins
* With different faces
* Fallen from the womb
* Risen from the tomb
* Carried in perfume
* Nicola
Thank you.
I have one more for you called "I Want To Live,"
but first I'd like to introduce a dear friend of mine
who's going to share a few words.
Treya Wilber.
Thank you.
Yeah.
-Hello. My name is Treya Killam Wilber.
Many of you here have known me as Terry.
I've been involved with Windstar from the early days.
Five years ago, in August of '83,
I met and totally fell in love with Ken Wilber.
I always used to call it love at first touch.
We were married.
And then, ten days after our wedding,
I was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer.
We spent our honeymoon in the hospital.
Since then, I've had two recurrences,
and many types of treatment,
both conventional and alternative.
But in January of this year,
we discovered the cancer had metastasized,
that it had spread to my brain and to my lungs.
So, when Tommy asked me to speak at this event,
I thought, well, perhaps I can look at
what I've done with my life since the diagnosis.
I co-founded the Cancer Support Community
in San Francisco.
I've written as honestly as I can
about my inner explorations
in a way that many tell me they've found helpful.
And I plan to publish a book.
Maybe my letters to many of you will be in it.
But then I realized, oh, I'd fallen into a familiar trap.
I'm equating success with achievement.
Learning to make friends with perhaps painful death
has taught me a great deal
about making friends with myself as I am,
and a great deal about making friends with life as it is.
There's an old saying,
it's popular among people with cancer that goes...
I'm lucky because I've been given advanced warning
and the time to act on that warning.
Because I can no longer ignore death,
I pay more attention to life.
-Yes, it's true that if the enzymes
Gonzales has you on were breaking the tumors down,
they would swell,
and a CAT scan wouldn't differentiate that.
But you have an average tumor growth rate
of over 30 percent in a short period of time.
And because of the growth of the large brain tumor
and the swelling of the right brain,
it's pushed the left side of your brain
just a bit out of place.
So this is what accounts for some of your symptoms,
the headaches, the fullness, disorientation.
-That's why the pain in the back of my eyes
goes away when I sleep with my head raised.
-Yes. Now, look.
I am familiar with Gonzalez's program
and I don't mean to alarm you,
but I do want you to hear it straight.
Despite what his radiologist says,
this is not an inflammatory reaction
brought on by tumor necrosis.
-If your understanding of this is accurate, though,
chemo doesn't offer a solution either, correct?
-Likely not.
Though there are other drugs you can try with it.
-I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of pain.
-Let me assure you, we can handle that.
I promise you that won't happen.
-Otherwise, you okay?
-Yes.
When I die, I'll just dissolve back.
That's not frightening.
-You know, I have never had a patient like you.
May I tell you that?
-Thank you.
-Hi, babe.
-Hey, lover.
I was looking for you in my dream.
-I was looking for you in this house.
-I was dreaming about you too.
-I can barely feel it,
but it's cold, huh?
Does this answer that?
-Let's get back to bed.
Can you carry me?
-Of course.
"Moreover, much as you may wander,
"you must return ultimately to the Self,
"so why not abide in the Self here and now.
Grace is there all along."
I'm going.
-Okay.
-Wait. Wait. Sweetheart...
I want to write something in my journal.
Do you understand?
-I think so.
Come on, gorgeous.
Let me take my girl to our room.
-I'm going. I can't believe it.
I'm going.
I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
But I don't want to leave you.
I love you so much.
I can't leave you.
I love you so much.
Honey.
-I love you so much.
-Honey, if it's time to go, then it's time to go.
Don't worry, I'll find you.
I found you before.
I promise I'll find you again.
-You promise you'll find me?
-I promise.
I promise.
-Forever and forever?
-Forever and forever.
-Then I can go.
I can't believe it.
I'm so happy.
This has been so much harder than I thought.
It's been so hard.
Oh honey, it's been so hard.
-I know, sweetheart. I know.
-You promise you'll be there?
-I promise you I'll be there.
-You're the greatest man I've ever known.
My champion.
I'll find you.
You're the only...
I'll find you, honey.
I will...
You promise?
I promise.
-My name is Treya Killam Wilber.
A lot of you've known me in the past as Terry.
I've been involved with Windstar from the early days.
Five years ago this same month, in August of '83,
I met and totally fell in love with Ken Wilber.
I always called it love at first touch.
We were married less than four months later.
But ten days after our wedding,
I was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer.
We spent our honeymoon in the hospital.
I've...I've had two local recurrences
and a number of treatments,
both conventional and alternative,
in the intervening years.
But just this January,
we discovered that the cancer had metastasized,
that it had spread to my brain and to my lungs.
The doctors we've consulted have said
I have two to four years to live.
Because I could no longer ignore death,
I pay more attention to life.
In the years after Treya passed,
I began slowly working my way back into the world.
I began writing again, starting with Grace and Grit ,
which I had promised her I would write.
Usually, my books are dedicated to a person
important in my life.
But the next ten books I wrote over the next ten years
had no dedications at all
because each of them were dedicated to her
in simple, ongoing gratefulness.
Those years with Treya are etched into my soul
and somehow, our love lives on.
* We rattle a gateless gate
* And push against A weightless weight *
* Looking for A stateless state *
* Nicola
* Whatever love will make
* Love erases
* And all these twins
* With different faces
* Fallen from the womb
* Risen from the tomb
* Carried in perfume
* Nicola
* Ooohh
* All the ones alive today
* Are the ones That passed away *
* Are the ones Who're on their way *
* Nicola
* Whatever love will take
* Love replaces
* And all these twins
* With different faces
* Fallen from the womb
* Risen from the tomb
* Carried in perfume
* Nicola
* Ooohh