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(lively music begins)
- My name is Maddy and I have three moms and no dad.
That sounds pretty wild,
and I totally wanna explain everything,
but first we should meet Lynette Price.
Not too many years ago,
Lynette was a grad student and lived in the academic wilds
of Southern California.
School didn't allow Lynette too many breaks
but one thing she looked forward to
was the monthly dinner party she took turns hosting
with her best friends, Jessica and Candy.
(knocking)
- Just a second.
(knocking continues)
- I was robbed.
- My God, I'm calling the police.
- [Candy] Hello-hello.
- [Lynette] We've got an emergency.
- What happened?
- Jess got robbed last night.
I'm trying to call the police.
- Couldn't you call them last night?
- They wouldn't let me use my cell phone in the ambulance.
- What were you doing in an ambulance?
- They had to take me to the hospital
to get out the shrapnel.
- Shrapnel?
- It's okay, honey, the staples are holding.
- Why did they staple you?
- Well, there's this little girl and she needed a kidney
and we were a match.
- You donated one of your kidneys?
That's so, so-
- Out of character.
- Well everything changed when I saw the angel.
- Oh, a real angel?
- She was wearing this amazing dress, Dior, I think.
- Angel.
- She was super cute. All glowy.
- Jess, what do you need?
- Your apartment.
(slow music begins)
- When did Jessica as a young girl
realize that people were treating her specially
because of the way she looked?
And when did she figure out how to use that
to her advantage?
(sighs)
- Aren't you going to kick me out?
- You must keep your hands to yourself, Jessica.
- Why aren't you going to kick me out?
I pushed over Melanie.
- Yes. And you cannot do that.
- Kick me out, make her play Clara.
She's so much better than me.
- I know, but-
- See, you agree she's better.
- Our donors expect grace and beauty.
You project that better than Melanie.
- How? I'm a total slob.
Have my sister Carolyn do it.
She's beautiful and full of grace.
- We don't have time for this.
You will play the part of Clara.
You will let Melanie coach you,
and you will keep your hands to yourself.
- Or what?
- Or I will let your mother know that you hit another child.
- Did you hear what Melanie said to me?
When you told her to help me she said, "Why bother?"
- Take this.
Go to the bakery and get yourself something.
Cool down. And then come back.
- Is this a bribe?
- It's a deal.
(background soft music continues)
- [Lynette] Why do you need my apartment?
- I have a date, silly.
- You also have your own apartment.
- You have a date?
Oh, so you're okay.
- Oh, careful. My face hurts.
- Oh.
From where the robbers beat you?
- It's been hurting worse every day.
I bought this makeup Iman and I think I'm allergic to it.
- Iman? The model? But you don't want anything like her.
- I'm doing a tanned thing.
Damn Iman!
It's been hurting all week.
- Have you seen a doctor?
- Yeah. He gave me some goop, but I'm not going to touch it.
- Why not?
- Goop dries out your skin.
If I dry my skin, I'll look old.
- But-
- Well, I'm not going to walk around looking old.
- People do it every day.
- Lynnie, this is how you can help me.
Let me use your apartment so this guy thinks I'm smart.
- Jess, you are smart.
- No, I have taste. Big difference.
- Does my apartment look smart?
(soft music continues)
- What moron convinced young Lynette
that being the smartest one in the room
wasn't a good thing?
(soft music begins)
- Hi, Enzo.
- Hey, Lynette.
- Mr. Marsh said that you were looking for someone
to help you with geometry.
I'm a pretty good tutor.
- Look, I know you're smart
but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with you.
- But- - No.
Are you going to buy anything?
Because I gotta get back to work.
- Enzo, clean toilet.
Good afternoon.
Special today is spinach and (mumbles) croissant.
- I guess I'll have a piece of Devil's Food cake.
- You have smart things.
Your smart pictures,
smart furniture.
Look at this flute thing.
No normal person can play a thing like this.
- It was an heirloom.
- Say that again.
- Heirloom.
Heirloom.
Oh, look, honey.
This precious little flute thing here is a heirloom.
- [Lynette] An heirloom.
- Oh, of course I don't know how to play it.
That's a lost art form from the underclass.
- Actually you can learn how down at the Y.
- What's a "Y"?
- The YMCA. Where I teach knitting and take scrapbooking.
- Is this a first date?
- No. Third.
- Third date with the same guy?
Congratulations!
- Ow.
- No, it's just that getting to a third date
seems hard for you.
- Ow.
- No, it's not that men don't want to go out with you.
It's just-
- You get bored.
(chuckles)
- Like men never bore you two.
- I never meet any.
At her job, Candy must have to beat them off with a stick.
(slow music continues)
- Young candy seemed to know right
from the start that her sunny smile could light up
even the darkest day.
- Hi.
- I'm Candy's mother.
There's been a loss in the family.
- I know.
I was told. I'm sorry.
Candy.
Did you grab your reader, Sunshine?
- You call her Sunshine?
- Oh, we all do. It's her smile.
Oh, I could put a stop to it if you-
- No. Please don't.
It's beautiful.
- Bye, Ms. Jenkins.
- Bye.
- Mommy, why are you so sad?
- I miss my mommy.
- When you're sad, something sweet can make you feel better.
That's what Ms. Jenkins says.
- Maybe we'll stop on the way and get your favorite.
- Hugs can help too.
- They help so much, Sunshine.
- Our first two dates were out on the town
so now I'm going to show him my domestic side.
- You don't have a domestic side.
- Well, exactly.
So I'm going to use yours.
- Ooh, is this with that guy who works on the 21st floor?
- No, I'm so over him.
- 18th floor?
- He kisses like Scooby-Doo.
- The hunk from the mail room?
(chuckles)
- Like I would ever do the mail room.
- But-
- Hey, we agreed that never happened.
- Is this that guy we met at that party last weekend?
- Which?
- The tall one.
Dark hair?
- No, no no. Which party?
- You and I met a photographer.
- Oh yeah!
He stared at me with bridal lust.
I almost slapped him.
- I talked to him a little.
- Little? More like 45 minutes.
But yeah, he and I went out for drinks later that night.
- Oh.
He seemed nice.
- He is going to take one look around this apartment
and think that I don't need him, which is perfect.
- My apartment says I don't need men?
- Everything about you says you don't need men.
- She's working on her PhD.
- Exactly.
- Educated women don't need men?
- Maybe for experiments or something.
But, look, you talk so much about
whatever it is that you study
that I could write a desecration of my own.
- Well, don't worry.
I'm through talking about it.
- See, she's sick of it too.
- You've finished your dissertation?
Oh, congratulations.
- Are we celebrating?
Should I get a stripper?
I know a really good one with a pizza boy routine.
- Let's celebrate with what I got from work.
There's salads and for dressing we have honey-mustard,
light Italian and strawberry pistachio
- Strawberry pistachio?
Is that a new recipe?
- New accident, but it's not that bad.
- Dude, your disaster dressing can be poisonous.
Like the strawberries and the nuts
could have some crazy chemical reaction
like when you mixed drink cleaners.
- When did you ever touch drain cleaner?
- I saw it on "News of the Weird".
Some lady died.
- Oh, shut up and taste it, Jess.
- Damn it!
- You hate it?
- Well, it's delicious.
- Then what?
- Why does Candy have to be so creative?
I mean, it's bad enough that she looks
how she looks.
- Why don't you borrow Candy's place for your date?
- Uh.
- Guys love creative women.
And in her bedroom Candy has scratch-and-sniff wallpaper.
- Oh I wore that out.
- And books from all over the world.
I never knew there was more than one version of Cinderella.
- Yeah, the Brothers Grimm's version
is called "Aschenputtel".
- Amazing.
Jess, this guy would fall in love with you
if you were Candy.
- "Ashpuddle". It sounds dirty.
Ow.
Face. Ow.
- Hey, why don't we take our monthly picture
so you can take off Iman's makeup.
- No, no, I can wait.
You guys finish your little salads
with your scary dressing.
(gentle music begins)
Oh. It feels kind of like sunburn your face.
- Your face?
- Yeah.
Like warm and prickly.
But if I just stare at the wall
and don't move, it's fine.
But then my neck gets tired.
- I'm so sorry you're not feeling good, Jess.
- Lynnie, do you have any acids so I can burn my skin off?
- Go get some ice out of the freezer.
- Okay.
Lynnie, I don't think your ice is cold enough.
- Blow on it.
That cools it off.
- Ow! My face hurts when I blow.
- I'm not gonna touch that.
- Why don't you wanna stick your whole head in?
- Ow.
Oh my God I'm stuck.
I'm stuck, you guys.
I'm stuck, guys!
I'm stuck.
- Hold still.
- [Jessica] Owie, ow!
(water gushing)
- Lynnie, what happens next?
- I have to defend my dissertation.
- Defend it?
- This panel of professors rakes me over the coals.
- Speaking of burning coals, my face is burning.
- The process helps me scrape away the b.s.
- I wish I could scrape this freezer off my face.
Ow.
- I'm counting on them approving it.
If not, my face is going to be so-
- Oh, don't say it.
- If anyone's face is red, it's mine.
It burns.
And it's like the sun.
- Let's take our picture.
(slow music begins)
- How long is the timer?
- About two seconds.
(camera beeping)
(camera shutters)
Ow.
- Try again.
(camera beeping)
(camera shutters)
- Oh, nice picture of my butt.
(camera beeping)
(camera shutters)
- I need ice.
- Hold on, hun.
(camera beeping)
(camera whines)
Oh, the camera died.
- [Both] Aw.
- I'm sorry.
Now, Jess, you and Iman's curse can part company.
- Thank you.
(sighs)
- [Candy] Lynnie, are you in therapy?
- A therapist does have to go through
a certain amount of therapy to get a degree,
but I am resisting.
- [Candy] So are you in therapy?
- [Lynette] Yes, but that's not helping.
Are you in therapy?
- I was, but she dropped me.
- Candy had actually been in therapy for about six months
at that point.
A string of disappointing relationships
had left her feeling
like she was doing something very wrong.
But was she?
- He hates that I make more money than him.
- Well, why shouldn't you make more?
You have a very demanding job:
heavy trays, rambunctious customers.
- Also he doesn't think I'm funny.
He thinks that I'm a loner,
that my hobbies are weird.
- Uh, which hobbies?
- Well, my cat outreach,
my knitting.
- Well, alright.
It sounds to me like Larry is um-
- Lowry.
- Lowry?
Really?
Lowry?
Well, it sounds to me like Lowry cares about image.
- Well, when we were out to dinner last week,
he seemed to be flirting with other women constantly.
- [Celeste] Mm.
- He said he was just being friendly.
- Uhuh. Made you kinda uncomfortable, right?
- Yes.
He said the time we had sex was a mistake.
- You had sex only once?
Did you enjoy it?
- I was glad he wanted to have sex with me.
- All those things that he said about you are not true.
Okay?
You are funny.
And you're not a loner.
- I once invited Lowry to come with me
to cat socialization.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Cat what?
- A cat socialization.
It's where I go to the shelter to play with the feral kitty
so they get used to humans.
(chuckles)
- Aren't you priceless?
- And you know what he said to me?
He said, "What makes you think
I would ever want to do that?"
- Where does this relationship stand now?
- Well, last night I told him
I don't think he's good for me.
And then I took back the wall tapestry
that I knitted for him. That mean?
- No.
- Imagine how a guy like that might treat a child.
- I shudder to think.
- What do I do now?
I need so much therapy.
- Okay.
Candy, you got yourself out of a very unhealthy relationship
all by yourself.
My hats off.
I don't think you have to come back here anymore.
Time's up.
- When was this?
- About six months ago.
Ever since my dating life has been nothing.
- Nothing?
Guys hit on you constantly.
- No, we all get hit on.
Guys just want to say they went out with a Curvees girl.
- Guys hit on girls that they think are pretty.
- For me it's just the uniform.
It's just like when I was a cheerleader.
- Didn't you go to four senior proms that year?
- Yeah, because guys just want to take a cheerleader
to the prom.
It's the uniform.
- If you were ugly, why did they make you a cheerleader?
- My brother was on the football team.
- Oh, making you a cheerleader
helped your brother play football?
- And my mom was vice president of the PTA.
Nothing to do with me.
(calm music begins)
- The stuff hurts.
- What is it?
- It's your skin goop.
I found it under the sink.
(sighs)
(yelps)
Dog shampoo?
- Jess.
Come here.
(groans)
- Does she need to go to the hospital?
- Yes!
- No.
- I better go soon.
I have to get up tomorrow.
- Early shift?
- No, I have this special class just.
Jess, seriously, how did you not know this was dog shampoo?
- It smelled nice.
- The words, dog shampoo don't mean anything?
- Or the picture of the dog?
- Look, I just thought it was a cheapie brand or something.
And besides why do you have dogs shampoo?
You don't have a dog.
- I sometimes dog-sit.
- I can't remember annoying details like that.
- So I'm smart, I'm annoying, I'm Miss Cheapie Brands?
- Hey, you called yourself the coupon queen.
- At least I do my own shopping.
You are always trying to get some poor idiot
to buy you dinner.
- Okay. Well, let's call it a night.
- Oh, but it was just getting good.
- No, it was just getting bad.
I'll call you tomorrow, Lynnie.
- Ow. Alright.
Bye bye, Cheapie.
- Bye, Jessica.
- Sometimes you need therapy to help sort things out.
And sometimes you just need a good chat
with a ghost from the past.
A cute ghost.
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
- [Keith] Hello.
- Keith.
Hi. It's Lynette.
A voice from the past.
- [Keith] Wow. How are you?
- I just started my doctorate.
So I'm excited. But I'm a mess.
- [Keith] That's great.
I'm so proud of you.
- Bobby and I broke up.
- [Keith] How long were you two together?
- Just over four years.
- [Keith] That's how long it's been
since you and I saw each other?
- Since you and I last talked.
How's Stella?
- [Keith] Ha, Darla.
- How's Darla?
- [Keith] Darla is now my wife.
- Oh, she's so lucky.
I'll let you get back to that.
- [Keith] She's not here.
- Yeah, but I'm sure your wife wouldn't want you
to be talking to an ex.
- [Keith] I'm not up to no good.
Uh, are you?
- No.
But you and I-
- [Keith] Why did you and Bobby break up?
- He cheated.
But I think he was just sick of me.
- [Keith] That's terrible.
Either way that's terrible.
I'm so sorry, Lynnie.
- He said he just couldn't talk to me
and he was sick of trying.
Am I really that hard to talk to?
- [Keith] You were never hard to talk to.
- Was I a good lover?
I know I have no right to ask a married man that but-
- [Keith] Good lover?
- Good kisser.
Good at other stuff.
- [Keith] Yes.
Yes, absolutely.
- Really?
- [Keith] If you weren't
then we wouldn't have been together more than once.
Don't you agree?
- I guess I would give you a second chance
with that great smile.
It's just, when you get cheated on,
you lose all your confidence.
Just feel like you've lost everything.
- [Keith] You are a great lover, Lynette.
- Thank you.
- [Keith] I mean, yeah, I'm married, but-
- No. Don't spoil it.
- [Keith] Okay.
You know, you and Darla would adore each other.
- That's nice to hear.
- [Keith] Talk to you later. Bye.
- Jessica's obsession with looking good
worked in her most of the time.
But a few years earlier,
she applied for a job at a company with a very silly name
and she spent three days picking out
the perfect outfit for the interview.
Oops.
(lively music begins)
- [James] Right through there. Take a seat.
- Alright. Thank you.
- Uh, my name is Bill Whitmore,
and I'm here for the interview, please.
- [James] Sign in.
- How long will it be?
- Just go in way.
Take a seat. They'll call you in.
- Thank you.
(jazz music continues)
- How can I help you?
- Hi, my name is Jessica Marshall.
I'm here for the interview.
- Sign in please.
You're next.
(lively music continues)
(knocks)
- Thank you, James.
It's a pleasure, Miss Marshall.
- Hello. Um, am I waiting here for Mr. Reynolds.
- I'm Taylor Reynold.
- Oh.
- Is that a problem?
- No, of course not.
- It looks like you dressed for a man.
(sighs)
- Um. I-
- You look really good.
- Thank you.
- Do you like working for men more than women?
- Oh, I like working more than not working.
- Your cover letter was honest.
That's why I brought you in it.
It certainly wasn't your resume.
- Oh, I see.
I'll show myself out.
- No sit.
You're still in the running.
Do you have siblings?
- Yes. One sister.
Her name is Carolyn.
She's a dancer, singer, actress, choreographer.
I guess I don't have to do those, huh?
- Do these things interest you?
- I used to dance.
I fell off the stage during The Nutcracker.
- Your sister doesn't fall off stages?
- God no!
She's beautiful and graceful and funny, smart.
- Can you look this good every day?
- Of course.
- Can you be cordial to people you dislike?
- Oh gosh. I've been doing that since I was like eleven.
- Are you planning to get married or have a baby soon?
- Ew.
- Are you looking to rise up through the ranks
or would you be happy staying in the same position?
- Would I get paid the same?
- Your salary would accrue.
It would get bigger.
- Oh, well then that would be fine.
- Where's your sister now?
- Oh she lives in New York with her family.
Is it bad that I don't care about rising through the ranks?
- The receptionist is the most important person
at this company.
- I have a really great phone voice.
- He or she is the first person
our clients come in contact with.
- I can dress down.
- No, your look is perfect.
Congratulations.
- Really?
Wow. Women never give me jobs.
- Have you had some wonderful news to share
but one of your pals ruined your moment?
- [Candy] Hey you guys, try this quiz.
- [Lynette] It looks like Femme magazine.
- What's wrong with Femme mag?
- It's devoted to urging women
to make the most of their assets while there's still time.
Nothing lobotomy wouldn't fix.
You try everything to make him stay
yet still his eyes wander.
Take this simple quiz to find out what you're doing wrong.
Because he's obviously doing nothing wrong.
- I don't think Femme is that bad.
They have really great dieting tips.
So what's the first question?
- Your man says he prefers women with larger breasts.
- Oh, oh.
- Do you, A, remind him of his own shortcomings?
- B, assume he's not interested.
- That's not a choice.
- B, have the operation.
Or C, switch his glasses
for ones that make things appear larger than they are.
- What operation?
- Give me.
I can't tell if you're making this stuff up or not.
Your man complains that you're the wrong sex.
Do you, A, get him into therapy
to cure his homosexuality?
B, get therapy yourself?
Or, C, have the operation?
- A breast enlargement?
But that would make you even more the wrong sex.
- Maybe sex is just wrong.
- I dated a gay man for seven months.
(gasps)
- My God, you didn't figure it out?
- There were signs.
But he knew all these cute little restaurants.
- So what happened?
- I gained 10 pounds.
- Did the cute restaurants give it away?
- It was the fact that I gained 10 pounds
and he didn't really mind.
- Your man complains that you're not smart enough.
Do you, A, eat fish,
take night classes and stand on your head?
B, hire a tutor?
Or, C, secretly give him a lobotomy?
- How is standing on your head gonna make you smarter?
- Does it really say the lobotomy thing?
- I kid you not.
- You talk about lobotomies a lot.
Did you have one?
- I tried, but they only got my tonsils.
- Are the tonsils near the lobotom?
Kidding, sweetie.
(sighs)
- Well, I for one have to applaud dear Jesse
for such a fabulouso dinner.
- Hear hear.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Did you really whip all this up by herself?
- Me and Marsha Stewart.
- Martha Stewart. Isn't she great?
- Oh, you used a cookbook?
- No, there's this tape where she cooks stuff.
- These chicken wings were to die.
What kind were they?
- Uh.
Muhkayzian Style.
- Curvees is supposed to have a great wings
but they can't hold a candle to yours.
- Muhkayzhian style?
- Yeah. It's some country somewhere.
- Kind of like Malaysia?
- Yes.
Malaysia. They love chicken.
- And what was that green leafy stuff?
- Uh.
Mold.
- Mold?
Really?
- Kind of tasted like basil.
- You know, Spago uses basil in their Malaysian wings too.
- Hm.
- Is Spago a Malaysian restaurant?
- You know exactly what Spago is.
You didn't cook all this, did you?
- I wanted to.
- That's something.
- What about dessert?
- Oh, dessert might happen.
We'll see.
- Okay. Well I brought some Devil's Food cake.
You know, just in case.
- Just in case what?
- In case Jess forgot.
- But Devil's Food is the most important part.
- Can we get back to the quiz?
I think I'm winning.
- We're not keeping score.
How could you be winning?
- The stuff you guys are saying.
- Your man wonders how you look as a blonde.
Do you, A, wonder how he'd look as a pot roast?
B, dye hair blonde?
C, dye all your hair blonde?
- Oh no, no burns.
- Pot roast takes too long.
Just shoot him.
- See, this is why I'm winning.
- You're not winning.
- You guys aren't even trying.
I always pick the best answers.
- I'm already a blonde and it's not helping.
- You need a blonde attitude, honey.
- I don't even know what that is
and already hate it.
- A blonde attitude is when you don't care as much.
Like, what would you do
if somebody called you by the wrong name?
- During sex?
- Well, duh.
When else would you bother with names?
This one time, this clown completely forgot my name.
And I just laughed at him.
- Do you remember his name?
- Of course not.
That's the point.
- You may not care about names,
but you do care about men an awful lot.
- And so do you.
- I'm trying to get my life started.
- Yeah. So some handsome prince will come sweep you
off your feet and say, "How bad are you, brainy wench?
You want to come and help me rule my kingdom?"
- Guys, it doesn't matter
which one of you gets hit on more or whatever.
You're both beautiful.
- Hang on, Candy.
You're the prettiest of all.
- No, I'm not.
- No, she's not.
- I mean, no thank you. I'm not.
Ow.
- No, I'm not...
I didn't mean that you're not pretty.
- Then what did you mean?
- I just mean she's not the prettiest.
- And you are?
- I go out way more than you two.
- Ever work at Curvees.
- Is that an accomplishment?
- It kind of was for me.
- Jess, how good do you look in tiny shorts
and clingy T-shirts?
- Pretty damn good.
It's just not my style.
- You guys, we're arguing about which one of us is prettier.
How silly is that?
- Well, beauty is important.
Pretty people make more money.
And my salary continues to accrue.
- Where do you work?
Grouchy Bird?
- Barking Parrot.
- And what does Barking Parrot do?
- Development.
- Of what?
- Properties.
- Real estate?
- Some. I think.
- Real estate?
You never mentioned that before.
- I thought your company did stuff for the movies.
- I know.
We develop literary properties. I think.
- You write TV shows and stuff?
- No. No we don't write them.
We develop them. I think.
- What exactly do you do?
- Oh, I'm the receptionist.
I send emails.
I make phone calls.
I print stuff.
I'm very busy.
- And what do the emails say?
And the phone calls?
- Development.
Oh no. I know.
I know. We develop film.
- Right.
Movies.
- No, no, no, no.
We actually develop actual film for the actual movies.
Like, like with chemicals and stuff.
Oh this is going to help me do my job better.
- Oh no.
(coughs)
(coughing)
All better.
(vomiting)
- Was it something you ate?
- Ew.
- I'll be fine in a second.
- Okay. Now back to me. I'm a really good receptionist.
I'm, I'm really good at my job.
I make a lot of money.
And I'm so sick and tired of people telling me
that I'm too stupid to move up in the company.
I just don't want to move up.
- Can we focus on Candy for a bit?
- Oh, yeah.
I can do that.
So, Candy,
your weight-
- Jessica!
- What? It's not about me.
I know this really great diet.
- There is nothing wrong with her weight.
- There will be.
- Oh my God.
You're pregnant?
- She's not pregnant, silly.
She just has an eating disorder.
I know this really great therapist.
- No, you guys.
I am pregnant.
- Who's the father?
- The father?
- I mean, usually there is one.
- Give her a break.
She obviously forgot.
- I didn't forget.
- Well have you at least narrowed it down?
- Ew.
- Is it someone we know? Is he cute?
- No, you guys.
(gasps)
- Oh my God. He's married.
- No.
- Oh.
Was it R-A-P-E?
- No, I wasn't raped.
You guys, I'm just pregnant.
- Honey, I'm so sorry.
- Sorry?
This cost me a bunch of money.
- And you're still pregnant?
I know this really great abortionist.
- It's a test tube baby.
- Wait, you got insinuated?
- Inseminated.
- You went to one of those sperm banks?
Do you know what kind of perverts go to those?
- Healthy, educated perverts.
I hear some are homo sapiens
and a few practicing heterosexuals.
- Yuck.
You let one of those father your baby?
- Picking out the father of your child
from just a photo probably sounds crazy.
But nowadays women use phone apps to find a boyfriend.
Have things really changed that much?
- Ah yup. Yup. 1000 on Jim Dandy and the fifth.
Thanks, Tony.
Hi. Welcome, Candy.
- Hi.
- Please sit.
So here is the catalog.
- [Candy] Oh, okay.
- Take a look.
See anything you like?
- It's kind of overwhelming.
- Ooh.
Have fun with it.
Like it's Christmas morning.
- Are any of these guys serial killers?
- No.
No. We keep those in another binder.
No I'm kidding.
We screen all our clients, most of our clients.
But you got that in the, in the pamphlet
that came in the mail.
- I'm just-
- A little nervous?
I understand.
Tell you what? Try this.
I want you to close your eyes.
Okay. Now you're you're in a dark room and you hear a voice.
- Sweetheart, can we get another pitcher
and an order of wings.
- No, not a, not a work voice.
This is the voice of your child.
Okay? Try to hear that voice.
Now. Try to see your child.
Can you see your child?
- Mm-hm.
- Okay.
Boy or girl?
- A little girl.
Hi, Beanie.
God, she's beautiful.
- Um, Beanie?
- Oh, that's what I'm calling her right now.
Beanie Baby.
- Okay.
Well, now open your eyes.
Take a look at the men in that book
and just choose the one that reminds you of Beanie.
- Uh. Imagine picking a life partner out of a catalog.
(laughs)
- Well, that's the good thing about this process.
You don't have a life partner.
Just their sperm.
They won't break a date
or break your heart or spend all your money.
(laughs)
It's just going to be you, and their sperm, and Beanie Bag.
Erm, Beanie.
- Hey, can I get two donors and mix them up in a test tube?
Kind of like a little sperm competition for my eggs.
- Erm, why would you want to do that?
- Hmm, they're just all so cute.
I can't pick.
- Hey.
Sure.
Why not?
I'll tell you what.
This week, for you,
all specimens are Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off.
Even throw you a little test tube baby party if you want.
- Is your work guaranteed?
- If the process doesn't work the first time,
we just keep trying.
In fact, we can try it today.
- Get pregnant today?
But I'm not dressed for it.
(lively music begins)
(phone rings)
- Uh, excuse me.
Hello? Bundles of Joy Labs.
We deliver so you can too.
Oh, Margaret.
How are you?
How are the twins?
Really?
Barking?
Hold on one second.
Just let me know when you want to make your baby.
Both of them are barking?
- Okay. Just promise me one thing.
If you ever find yourself
in a conversation like the one you're about to hear,
shut it down,
call the police, order a pizza,
or just get the hell out of there.
- I think having a child on your own is wonderful.
- You do.
- You do?
- Don't you?
- Just buy a dog.
- When are you due?
- Six months.
- Okay. Well, we;ll have to throw you a shower.
- No.
No, people will think I've been abandoned
and feel sorry for me.
- I feel sorry for.
- No, we can put on the invitation,
"This baby is actually wanted."
- You know, you deserve a party.
- Thank you, Jess.
- I mean your life is about to be over.
So might as well laugh it up while you can.
Forget about having a penny to spend on yourself.
No free time.
And the only kind of guys that are going to be into you
are the creepo fetish types.
- You think I haven't thought of all that stuff?
- Well, are you ready for it?
- No.
- Will you be?
- In six months?
- Probably not.
- Then what business do you have doing it?
- A baby is not a business.
- Why don't you just poke a hole in a condom?
- Why don't you just get married?
- No, no. You two are not going to make me
feel bad about this.
It's a good decision, and I'm going to have a good baby.
Did I say that right?
- I'm going to squeeze you to pieces.
(gentle music continues)
(giggles)
- I could babysit.
What?
- Okay. You keep her walking around
while I call 911.
- Obviously Friday Saturday and Sunday nights
are out of the question.
- Okay, she's coming out of it.
- I don't hear you offering to babysit.
- I could.
- You two would do that for me?
- The three of us could raise a baby better than any couple.
- I only offered to babysit.
- No. Think about it.
Together we make up the ideal woman.
Beauty, brains and personality.
- An ideal woman is only made up of three things?
- I get it.
Each of our strengths fills in the weakness
of the other two. Like the three witches and Macbeth.
- I don't see foreign films.
Anyway, what's so good about a witch?
They have bad skin and facial hair.
- They're strong, smart, in control their own destiny.
- Yeah, yeah. Look, Lynette is the brains,
you're the personality,
and I'm the beauty.
- I'm going to start cleaning up the dishes now.
- Don't leave me alone with her.
- What? It's not like I'm saying something bad.
Candy has personality.
Everybody loves her.
And you, your school thing. You're all smart me.
- Me, I get complimented a lot, and noticed a lot,
hit on a lot.
- Doesn't mean anything.
- I get laid, okay?
A lot.
Whenever I want. By whoever I want.
And meanwhile, you study and Candy knits, I guess.
- That doesn't mean that you're-
- Let's change the subject.
- I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
I'm so upset right now.
- You don't really mean all this, do you, Jess?
- Sure I do.
- [Lynette] Oh my God.
It's like a monkey playing with dynamite.
- It's a compliment!
- What? Saying that you're prettier than us.
That's a compliment?
- No, I'm saying that you're smarter than us
and that Candy has more personality than us.
- But you don't care about brains or personality.
- Oh, obviously I don't need them.
But where would you two be?
Candy, you told us that you teach stuff at the "Y".
And there's things on your wall that you knitted.
That's insane.
And now with your whole baby thing,
if you want a guy that wants children,
you just show him yours.
And Lynette, you want a smart guy.
Where else are you going to find one
than at a college for smart people?
- Brains aren't everything.
- If you really thought that
then why didn't you marry Billy from the hardware store?
- Bobby.
Because I didn't want to.
- No, because he worked at a dumb hardware store.
- No, because he called himself Bobby.
- Oh, you thought it was a cute name.
(sighs)
- What kind of man do you want, Jess?
- Rich. What else?
- Then why do you only date gorgeous men?
- Oh, the gorgeous are much more likely to be rich.
Ask Darwin.
- I actually heard that on the news.
- Also, more of us are famous.
- Us?
Us gorgeous people?
- Okay.
We.
We gorgeous people.
Are you satisfied?
- Not until you apologize.
- For what?
- Saying we're ugly.
(beeping)
- Oh my God. What's that?
- Don't you know? It's your kitchen.
- [Lynette] Something in your oven is on fire!
- Oh. That? Don't worry about that.
(coughing)
What are you doing?
- I'm going to go.
- What's this?
- Nothing.
- Jess,
did you us a-
- No!
Are you kidding?
I don't even know where that came from.
- Okay. Well tell Lynnie I'm sorry but I gotta go.
Tell her to call me later.
(beeping)
(coughing)
- What did you burn?
- Nothing. It's nothing.
Leave it alone.
Candy left.
- What did she say?
- She said that she wanted to leave before you got back.
- Oh God.
Should I call her?
- No. You should probably leave too.
(soft music continues)
- Okay. Fine.
Good night.
(soft music continues)
- Thank you for ruining everything!
- Lynette and Candy stayed busy, of course.
They lived in an exciting city,
and they found lots of new ways to explore it.
But sometimes is it just more fun with three?
I don't know.
(lively music begins)
- [Stroman] That's a terrific title
for your dissertation, Lynette.
- [Lynette] Yay.
- But you were finished.
What made you suddenly change it?
- You said yourself
that the original title lacked a point of view.
- Yeah. You, you went from a
"Classical Versus Modern Perceptions of Femininity"
to "Why Beauty Kills".
Definitely have a point of view now.
- Somethings that have happened recently
gave me a new passion for the topic.
- Oh, I know.
- You know what?
- Oh, I figured something must have happened.
You missed your last three therapy sessions.
- I know, Dr. Stroman. I'm so sorry.
I've just been working so hard on this.
- No. It's okay. It paid off.
It's a good read.
It's riveting.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
I didn't think you had it in you.
- You didn't?
- Oh, well maybe that wasn't the best choice of words. But-
- No one's ever called my writing riveting before.
- You're still missing one thing.
- I followed all the guidelines to the letter-
- You are missing, Lynette.
True.
There's more of you in this draft in another drafts,
but you don't have a lot of skin in the game.
- What do you mean?
- "Why Beauty Kills"? Right?
"Perceptions of beauty have varied widely throughout history
and have served to maintain a lowered social status
among certain groups of women who were blah blah blah blah."
- But it's all true.
- Blah blah blah.
- That's all true!
- I know that.
I'm quite certain that every fact,
and every figure, and every graph, and chart, and quote,
and cross-reference is beyond reproach.
- Yes. Thank you.
- But you need to do one more thing.
- Okay.
What?
- I haven't the slightest.
This topic isn't about me.
Beauty doesn't kill men.
As a whole, this is not what resonates in a man's gut.
- I know. I just wish you guys understood.
It's so hard to make men understand
what it's like to actually be-
- [Stroman] Make us understand!
Show us.
Do something that scares you and then write about it.
- Something that scares me?
- I don't mean anything dangerous.
- So what?
Like, enter a tacky beauty pageant or something?
- Sure. Why not?
I think that might take too long
but you're on the right road.
- A wet T-shirt contest?
No, I wouldn't win. Nevermind.
- I'm not going to advise you to do that, okay?
- Get my picture taken?
- Exactly.
Pose for a photographer.
You don't have to spend a lot of money.
- Actually I know a guy.
(gentle music begins)
- You must be Lynette.
- And you must be stunning.
- I'm Gianna,
Ron's assistant.
I'll be helping you today.
- Um. I tried to take a crack at it
as you can see.
- Oh, aren't you adventurous?
- If anyone should be in front of the camera, it's you.
- Lindsey!
(gentle music continues)
- Lynette!
So glad you made it.
What made you change your mind?
- I still might change it.
- Whatever you're most comfortable with.
- These.
I'm comfortable with these.
- Outfits!
Great.
Show me what you got.
- Okay. So I've got brown.
I've got reddish brown, brownish red,
beige, I have brown.
I have reddish browns. I have-
- Nah, nah. I don't see those colors in you.
- I could be gray.
You never answered my question.
- Oh.
No tattoos.
I never had the guts.
- Not that.
What made you change your mind?
- About coming here?
- I asked you, I don't know how many times.
And you've always told me no.
And suddenly here you are.
- There I am.
Here I are. Am.
Yes.
So blue.
I like blue.
- Blue would look very nice on you.
- Or off of me.
- When I first saw you,
I thought, "I gotta get this girl on film."
- Oh.
- But there's no rush.
We don't even have to do this.
- Do what?
- Go all the way.
- If you want it, you can keep your clothes on.
- What if I don't want?
- Gi.
I'm going to load up my gear.
- So Lynette, let's start with shades of blue.
- Load up his gear?
- Put film in his camera.
- Or?
- Put batteries in his flash units.
- Or?
- That's all I got.
Don't worry.
He already has a girlfriend.
- Of course. Of course he does. Naturally.
What's her name?
- Um, Jocelyn, I think.
- Jessica?
- Jessica, that's it.
You know, people usually pay him for a session.
- They do?
- And his fees are insane.
So if he's paying you-
- He's out of his mind.
- It means he thinks you're spectacular.
- I was always afraid of blue.
- Really?
I think it looks great on you.
- Do you love her cheekbones?
- Yes.
(camera shutters)
(gentle music continues)
(camera shutters)
- So (clears throat) how's Jessica?
(camera shutters)
- She makes me laugh.
- That's one of her talents.
(camera shutters)
- Is it true that one time
you let her use your apartment for a date with me?
- Oh my God.
You saw my hideous apartment? And you were still with her?
- I loved the apartment, but I knew she didn't live there.
(camera shutters)
- What gave it away?
- She picked up a recorder and held it like this.
And she didn't even know what it was called.
And then she couldn't identify anything in her apartment.
- She's got different priorities.
- I heard about the breakup. You three. I'm sorry.
- Oh, I hope you don't think
this is some sort of revenge thing
because that's not. That's not why-
- [Ron] No.
- [Lynette] Because-
- I know.
I don't even have to tell her about the session
if you don't want me to.
(gentle music continues)
Oh.
Stunning.
(camera shutters)
- You look phenomenal, Lynette.
- I call this look "Noble Regret".
Let's get down to business, shall we?
(camera shutters)
(phone ringing)
- Barking Parrot Development,
this is Jessica speaking.
How may I direct your call?
Mr. Carlyle? I have Mr. Ashton for you.
(tense music begins)
(keyboard clicking)
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
- [Voicemail] Hi. If you're mailing-
- [Answering machine] No new messages.
(sighs)
(soft music begins)
- Oh my God, she'll love that.
- Really?
- No, that's really great.
- I don't know. I don't think it's, like, symmetrical.
- I love what you're doing here.
- Are you sure?
- That's beautiful.
- I feel like.
- Aw.
(gentle music continues)
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
(answering machine speaks indistinctly)
- [Ron] Hey Jess, just a quick message
to tell you how happy you made me last night.
I can't wait to see you.
I love you.
(slow music continues)
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
- [Voicemail] Hi.
- [Answering Machine] No new messages.
No new mess-
- In spite of all the new traditions
that Lynette and Candy were inventing together,
they still missed an old one.
So about six months later
they revived their monthly dinner party.
But with seating only for two.
(gentle music continues)
(doorbell rings)
- Look at you.
My God.
- Oh.
I'm offering wine to a pregnant woman.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh my gosh. I love your outfit.
You PhDs are smart dressers.
- Oh, dinner smells great.
- Well cooking for three, uh, two is much more fun than one.
- And it's not like you're cooking a bunch of food to eat
for lunch all week out of those Tupperware thingies.
- I hate that.
- Do you miss her?
- Who, Jess?
Of course not.
I mean, sure I wonder how she's doing, but I don't miss her.
- Yeah.
- Do you miss her?
- Me? No.
Except sometimes.
- Yeah.
Sometimes.
Excuse me a second, hon.
- Yeah.
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
- [Answering Machine] You have no messages.
Thank you for your call.
Goodbye.
(sighs)
- So you have another month still?
- Two weeks.
So you guys won't have to rush me to the hospital guys.
- Us guys?
- You. You won't have to rush me.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, I'll get it.
Something in the oven?
- Just the chicken.
- Okay.
(gentle music begins)
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
- [Jessica] Hi. If you're male and you're cute,
and you're looking for Jess, you may be in luck.
- Oh, were you calling somebody?
- No.
Maybe.
No.
- Why is there all this extra food?
- Don't you sometimes wish
she would just call up and apologize?
(laughs)
- It's been six months.
Do you think she misses us?
- I thought I was the naive one.
- Did you like all our sex talks?
- Jess sure did.
- Mm. But did we ever talk about, like, love and marriage?
- We tried. But it always turned back to sex.
- Should we go to a nightclub?
- I don't actually enjoy nightclubs.
And I don't think Beanie would either.
(siren wailing)
- Ooh.
I think that's mine.
I'll be right back.
(siren wailing)
(gentle music begins)
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
- [Jessica] You've reached the desk of Jessica Marshall
at Barking Parrot Development.
I'm either on-
- You called Jess, didn't you?
- So did you.
- No, I didn't.
- I kind of miss her.
- After what she said to us?
- Damn it, Lynnie. She was right.
- That she's Miss Beauty, I'm Miss Brains,
and you are Miss Personality?
- She is a beauty.
- So are you.
- And so are you.
- No I'm not.
- And no I'm not.
So we agree with Jess on that point.
- What?
- I think that she's beautiful and I'm not.
You think that she's beautiful and you're not.
And she thinks that she's beautiful-
- And we're not.
- She's not allowed to think that?
- She can't just say it.
- Anyway, three votes for Jessica,
one for you and one for me.
So she's right on that one.
- [Lynnie] But-
- Item number two: your brains.
- We all have brains.
- But only one of us has a PhD.
So she's right again.
- Candy, come on.
- Sometimes people tell me I have a nice personality.
- You have a wonderful personality.
- So Jess got all three right.
And if she didn't, we share are acting like she did.
- God, we are.
- Another thing.
Did you see what she burned in her oven that night?
- No, but it sure stank.
Like, sickly sweet.
- Like burned Devil's Food cake.
She baked us a cake. Tried to. And failed.
- That was stupid.
She doesn't know how to bake.
- Trying something new is stupid?
Really, Lynette?
- She lied to us about all that food
she cooked that night. Remember?
All the food from the restaurant.
She shouldn't have lied to us like that.
That really hurts,
being lied to.
- Failing can hurt too.
I want to send her a fax.
- Wait, are you sure?
- Dear Jessica.
- Should we say "Dear Jessica"?
- Jessica dearest.
O Jessica.
- Like a prayer?
- Like a poem.
- She'll think we're praying to her.
Say Jessica. No "Dear".
Okay. What do we have so far?
- Jessica.
- Jessica, we wish to speak with you. Comply.
- How about "We need to speak with you."?
- I don't need anything from her.
- I'm going to go see her.
- Are you crazy?
- This note is inviting her to come see us, I think.
- Yes.
Someday. In a controlled environment.
- I'll bring her back here.
All the control you want.
- Okay. Just try this.
"Jessica, please meet with us
before our lives continue too far
down separate and disparate paths."
- Don't separate and disparate mean the same thing?
- Disparate means dissimilar.
And separate means not touching.
- Does Jess know that?
- She went to college.
Occasionally.
(giggling)
- Should we send it to her work?
- She has a car fax.
(sighs)
- This is good.
Maybe in a few months we'll be back together
having our monthly dinner.
- Taking our monthly picture.
- Eating our monthly Devil's Food cake.
Jess will make some thoughtless comment.
- And we'll be ready to kill her.
- Oh my God.
- Did we get it?
- A piece is missing.
- Was there anything on it?
- Just one word.
- Which word?
- Disparate.
- Uh-oh.
- Hey, you two!
I was just in the neighborhood and I got your fax.
Isn't that wild?
What fax?
- You're so cute.
The one where you said you're desperate.
- Disparate.
- Exactly.
- Disparate means different.
- Oh, I sure hope you feel different.
You were so weird last time I saw you.
- No.
Unrelated.
- But we're friends,
so we are related like family.
- Distinct.
- Oh, our love is so strong
it will never go distinct.
- No, it means that-
- Anyway, none of that matters
because I totally forgive you.
- For what?
- For all the mean things you said.
- What?
- All I remember is we were having a nice talk
and suddenly you were furious.
- You insulted us.
- Oh, you mean my little comment
about beauty, brains and personality?
- See, Lynette.
She didn't even mean it.
- Oh, I meant it, but-
- We didn't send anything.
That was a mistake.
- Desperate.
So dramatic. Who knows what you two are capable of?
- So what were you doing in the neighborhood, Jess?
- I was going to the post office.
- It closes at 5:00.
- Well, there's this really cute little dress shop.
You know, it's just around the corner.
- [Candy] I know the shop.
- It's closed.
What were you doing in Candy's neighborhood?
- I was headed to...
(sighs)
Okay.
I'm really sorry
that I said you have a fabulous personality.
And I'm really sorry that I said you're a genius.
- How about sorry for saying, "You two aren't beautiful."?
- I never said that.
- You said-
- I said that out of the three of us,
I am the most beautiful.
- And you agree, Lynnie.
- I agree that Jess is more beautiful than me
but I do not agree that she is more beautiful than Candy.
- Lynette, if I agree with you, Jess hates me.
And Jess, if I agree with you, Lynette hates me.
So I'm not gonna say anything.
- She hurt you just as bad as she hurt me.
- Oh. I don't even remember.
- But you guys, I have proof.
- Proof that you're beautiful?
- Yes!
- I remember now.
- Mm-hm.
Okay. I have proof too.
What does proof prove?
- What's your proof?
- Well, look at her.
- She looks like always.
Who are you wearing anyway?
Laura Ashley?
I, on the other hand, have this.
- Oh my God, Jess.
It's a boulder.
- Is that from Ron?
- Wait, you know Ron?
- You and I met him the same night.
- He lets you call him Ron?
Did you sleep with him?
- No.
No.
- Then why does he let you call him Ron?
- We talk sometimes about photography.
- Wait, who's Ron?
- Oh, he's my dude.
My man.
He's like this rich and famous photog.
- Well what did he take?
Like nature pictures?
- They're natural all right.
Very beautiful.
- Wait, did he take pictures of you?
- A couple.
- How could you afford him?
- What did you mean by natural?
- I think you know what I mean.
- You posed naked?
- What did he do when you started tearing off your clothes?
- He brought it up at the party
and I was curious.
- Curious?
Like sexy French coming-of-age movie curious?
- I thought you don't watch foreign films.
- Oh, French isn't foreign. It's trendy.
- Why didn't you tell me
somebody asked you to pose nude?
- I thought maybe he was drunk.
And no sex was involved.
I just wanted to feel sexy.
I've been celibate for three years.
- You told us you were abstaining.
- Don't you two ever wanna feel sexy?
- Oh, I am sexy.
- I always feel cutesy.
Anyways, Lynette, I'm shocked.
- They're beautiful pictures.
- You were so critical of my job at Curvees
and then you just go and bare it all for the camera.
- Yeah!
- I didn't criticize you.
- You said I look good in tiny shorts
and a clingy a T-shirt.
- That's criticism?
- Of course it is.
Candy, she's hard on me too.
- Sure it was critical
coming from.
- Wanna see them?
- The pictures?
- He gave me a whole set. Wanna see?
- Absolutely not!
That's disgusting.
- Sure.
- Lynette, I can't believe you sold out like that.
- Oh, I love this one with the red scarf.
- I went a little wild there.
- Lynnie, these are gorgeous.
And the lighting, it's like straight out of a magazine.
- Can I have some copies so I can send them to your mom?
- She already has a set.
Look at these stuffed animals.
- Oh my God.
- Your dad is going to have a heart attack.
- I got asked to pose for the "Girls of Curvees" calendar.
But I said no.
- No, you should have done it.
- Six months ago you wouldn't have said that.
- Yeah!
- Probably not.
- What? Now that you're all Miss Nude
you're like everyone take it off.
- When did you try out?
- About a month ago.
I sent them some pre-pregnancy swimsuit photos
and they made me an offer but I turned them down.
I thought you'd be proud.
- Wait, you got an offer to pose
for the "Girls of Curvees" calendar?
- Of course she did.
- But you're pregnant!
- I won't always be.
- You look too young.
- That's a bad thing?
I am proud of you, honey.
- I can't believe you both got asked to pose.
- What girl doesn't like to have her picture taken?
It's natural to want to feel beautiful.
But Candy was too smart
to let anyone take advantage of her.
(knocking)
- Miss Waterman?
- How do you do, Mr. Weems?
(laughs)
Oh, I was told the company was okay with my pregnancy.
- Uh.
Yeah. As long as you get back to that nice trim figure
we saw in your test photos.
- Of course.
- So, have you signed the agreement?
- I'm curious about the word repurposing.
- Oh, that's just a technical term.
Nothing to worry about.
- This agreement would allow the company to reuse my photos?
- Well, yes, but we almost never do that.
Our customers prefer fresh girls each year.
- I understand you also put out
Wild Animals magazine, right?
- Yes.
- So my photos could end up in Wild Animals?
(laughs)
- Wild Animals fans prefer nude models.
- Do you ever retouch photos?
- Yes, of course.
If perfection is within reach, why not read it?
- So my face could end up on the body of a naked girl?
- Yes, but Miss Waterman, it would be much cheaper
to hire a nude model than to retouch it on a computer.
- Unless the girl the fans like got popular
and more expensive than when she first posts.
- Mm Hmm.
That's a little presumptuous.
- Now, on page two,
there were a couple of terms that were a little vague.
Well, I didn't actually go through with it.
- Why didn't you?
- I read the contract. Way too exploitive.
- Yes. You'd be exploited as a sex object.
- No, I'd be exploited as a fool.
For starters, they'd be able to use my picture
over and over again for a one-time fee.
- What more do you want?
- Residuals.
Additional payments for repurposing in other media.
Restrictions on alterations and retouching.
Throughout the universe in perpetuity.
And 10 free copies.
- You know all those big words?
- With that contract they'd be able to use me
in a video, on the internet, even slap my face
on some other girl's body for one low fee.
- Wow. I hardly read my contract.
- You're both such hypocrites.
All your talk about feminism
and all your crap you heaped on me
because I'm supposedly promiscuous.
- [Both] You are promiscuous.
- Both of you would sell your looks for money.
- I said no to the calendar.
- That's because it didn't pay you enough,
not because you thought it was wrong.
- Not paying enough is wrong.
But they were so impressed
with my reasons for not doing the calendar.
And they offered me a job in Curvees corporate
as a legal secretary.
- That's fantastic.
When do you start?
- A month after this one's born.
- I used to look up to you guys.
- Last time we saw you, you insulted us.
- It was a compliment.
- Shouldn't complements feel good?
- Don't worry.
Both of you have been terribly busy proving me wrong.
- So now I'm not even one-third of the perfect woman?
- No, I didn't mean that-
- First of all, disparate means dissimilar.
If we were desperate, we would have used the word desperate,
but we used the word disparate.
- Candy, she's showing off.
- Second of all, if we wanted to invite you tonight,
we would have.
We tried to un-invite.
- You you're making her feel awful.
- You were right.
You're Miss Beauty.
I'm Miss Brains.
And she's Miss Personality.
We spent the last six months
trying to prove you wrong, Jess, but we couldn't.
- I wasn't trying to prove anything.
- Oh, come on.
Being in a calendar? You?
And posing nude. Me?
- I thought you enjoyed it.
- I did, but it's not me.
You see how I dress.
I mean, you're bouncy-perky-creative,
and you have scratch-and-sniff wallpaper.
And now you're trying to say that
we don't have brains or personality either.
- No, that's-
- I admitted, Jessica, that you have more personality
than the two of us put together
because only a strong personality could upset me this much.
So you're two-thirds the perfect woman.
Satisfied?
- I was trying to say that both of you
are perfect women all on your own.
Either of you has all the beauty, brains and personality
that anyone could ever want.
- But what about-
- Let her finish.
- Candy, look at you with, with your contract
and your fancy smart new job.
If anyone deserves a PhD in brains, it's you.
And they wanted you in their calendar.
Lynnie,
you've got to have an amazing personality
to be as interesting as you are.
It's not just brains either.
I know because I've dated some brainy guys
and they've been really boring.
And your little camera tryst with my fiance,
he obviously thought you were a beauty.
- He's crazy about you.
- Look, I'm a good fuck.
I know that.
But when the sex with me is over,
what do you have left?
My personality?
That's a laugh.
- You have a wonderful personality.
- I have no personality.
I never say the right thing.
I never knew the right thing to say.
If I walk into a room and there's no men in it,
I don't know what to do.
I have no brains either.
I work for a company and I don't even know what we do
or make or sell or whatever.
- They hired you because you're classy
and you make the company look good.
And I agree.
- Both of you beat me at looking good.
The one thing where I thought I had the advantage.
- You do have the advantage.
You're absolutely stunning.
- Okay. So I'm one-third a woman.
- Jess, nobody's trying to beat you.
- At least not consciously.
- You want to be smart.
You go get a PhD or read a contract.
You want to be pretty.
You get in front of a camera.
Either of you can be whatever you choose to be.
- Then why haven't I-
- Because you don't want to.
You don't choose to.
You could walk into a party and snap your fingers
and five guys would instantly lineup.
Three years of celibacy was your choice
no matter how much you bitched and moaned about it.
And you, you could have snapped your fingers
and 10 guys would have lined up to be that baby's father
but you're doing it on your own because you're incredible.
- How come she got 10 guys and I only got five?
- Do you even like hanging out with me?
Like, do you like going clubbing?
- Sure.
- I love squeezing into a throbbing mass of sweaty bodies.
Obscenely bright lights drilling into my skull.
Music so loud I can smell it.
Filthy predators armed with roofies
trying to get in my pants.
- See.
We love it.
- I sat in my car for an hour
hoping that one of you would call.
I knew tonight was our monthly thing.
- We did call.
Why didn't you answer?
- I was afraid I would get emotional
and make a fool of myself.
Too late.
- Why didn't you call us?
- I was embarrassed.
(slow music begins)
- Should we eat?
- You guys go ahead.
I can't imagine there's enough for me.
- Oh yes there is.
- Jess, do you I really want to become
Miss Brains or Miss Personality?
- Of course not.
But you two make me feel like I should.
You're always growing.
I said what I said about the three of us
because it gave me a place alongside you two.
Something to be good at.
Being pretty.
- You do get this cool effect with your eyeshadow
that I'm dying to have you teach me.
- You see, that's the problem.
Soon you're going to be the eye shadow expert.
It's six months later
and both of you are better at being pretty than me.
But I'm no smarter and probably even less likable.
I'm about to marry a good man who I don't even deserve.
He's, like, honest and keeps his promises.
Who does it?
- Lynnie and I couldn't stop thinking about you all evening.
- We really missed you, Jess.
- No, you two deserve better than me.
So does Ron.
- You don't have to grow
if you don't want to.
- Really?
- Of course not.
- I'm no good at it.
- Then don't grow, sweetie. Stay this way forever.
- I have no bridesmaids.
- Actually, you've got two.
(lively music continues)
- Candy, this place looks very safe.
- Yep. Totally baby-proof.
- I was really rooting for you to find a dude, you know.
To help.
- I was too.
It seems just like a really big thing
to take on by yourself.
- Are you kidding?
Beanie and I are going to have so much fun.
- What if your kid doesn't like you?
- Then she's just going to have to withstand
my relentless torrent of love.
Poor thing.
- I wish you were my mother.
Oh!
I vote for dessert before dinner.
Dessert before anything.
We're out of control.
- That's the best idea I've heard all night.
- Oh, should we take our monthly photo
before or after dinner?
- We'll skinnier before we eat.
- Actually,
you guys, I think I'm about to get a lot skinnier.
- You invented a new diet?
Oh my God.
She invents diets now.
- Can someone drive me to the hospital?
- Now?
But we're about to eat.
- Oh my God!
You're in labor!
- She's not in labor, silly.
She's just going to have a baby.
Oh my God.
You're going to have a baby.
- Call St. Joe's Hospital
and let them know I'm on my way.
Dr. Julia Ditman.
- Okay. Okay.
(laughs)
- Oh.
- Hello?
I need the number for the, for the hospital.
I, I don't know.
The St. One!
Candy, which city is this?
- St. Joseph hospital in Santa Monica.
- Did you hear that?
Hello, hospital?
Hi.
Okay. My friend is like having a baby literally right now
and she's totally freaking out.
She's afraid she's going to be a bad mother.
What kind of a question is that?
Candy, what's your name?
- Candace Waterman.
- Candice Watery.
I think she's with Dr. Ditz.
- Are you sure you don't want an epidural?
- No, no anesthetics.
- She doesn't want an epidermis. Or an appendix
- Okay. I maybe should take this call.
- No, no no.
Please just let me use my charm and niceness
to make this go good. Just for once.
- Okay. But just let her do it, but hurry.
- Okay. We're going to be there in 10 minutes.
And if Candy doesn't have a fancy room
I'm kicking asses.
No, no father. She was ingratiated.
- I'm going to get the hospital bag.
- I'll get the keys and start the car.
But hurry.
Or I'm going to have Beanie in the backseat.
- No, no. I want a room upgrade
to the nicest one you have.
Just charge it to my credit card.
And fill the room with flowers.
Fill it.
And charge that to my card too.
This is our first and I want it to be perfect.
Okay. You guys let's go make a baby.
You know what I meant.
(sighs)
Aw!
- Oh, oh.
- Right.
- Do you remember when the three were younger?
Did you ever wonder what brought them together
in the first place?
I'll give you a hint.
It tastes really good.
(bell chimes)
(slow music continues)
- Can I have cake?
- Sure. What kind?
- Devil Food.
- Welcome to LA Province Bakery. What can I get you?
- Devil Food.
- We have country veggie puree,
vegetarian French onion soup,
Turkey chili Fergil,
we have stretched (mumbles).
Just Devil's Food cake?
- Is Devil Food your favorite too?
You don't look like you like it very much.
- I love the cake.
It's just everything else about today.
(bell chimes)
- Welcome to LA Province Bakery. What can I get you?
- A slice of Devil's Food. Cake.
- Is that your favorite too?
- It's the best.
- It's her favorite too.
- [Jessica] Then you must be very smart.
- I'm too smart to be fun, I guess.
- I'm Lynette.
- I'm Jessica.
I'm too pretty to quit The Nutcracker.
- I'm Candy.
But everyone calls me Sunshine.
I'm too sweet.
(giggling)
- Here is Devil Food cake for you.
And surprise, more Devil Food cake.
Napkin. Please don't make mess.
This is not school cafeteria.
- I'm cheering my mom up because Grammy just died.
- We don't tell strangers our business.
- They aren't strangers, mommy.
They're my friends.
- Of course they are, Sunshine.
(soft music continues)
- And now, enter me.
Yes, I'm Maddy. Or Beanie.
Or the test tube baby.
Whatever.
I was born that night,
thus ending one of the most painful arguments in history:
Who is the most beautiful?
Because once I came along,
all three of my moms; well, my mom, Candy,
and my two aunts, Jessica and Lynette,
could suddenly agree on the answer.
I am the most beautiful of all.
I think they're silly.
And they've been squeezing me to pieces ever since then.
The thing is, all four of us have beauty,
brains, personality, and much, much more
because every person can be whatever she chooses to be.
(doorbell rings)
(knocking)
- [Woman 1] Hello.
- [Woman 2] Hey, we're starving.
- And now if you'll, excuse me.
I have a dinner party of my own to host,
for my two best friends
- [Woman 1] Open up. I'm about to drop this cake.
- Hey, why let a great tradition go to waste?
(gentle music begins)
(lively music begins)