Downloaded from YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL FILM
I think this is the place.
You got the cash?
It's in my pocket.
Don't take that out here, wesh. You want us to get mugged?
Apparently, it's on the third floor.
Knock on the door with a little pussy on it.
Yeah, but really, I don't know. Maybe we don't have to get coke?
We can do without it for tonight, can't we?
No, no, no, I'm not cool with that at all.
It helps me hit on the ladies. Otherwise, neither of us know what to say.
Yeah, but see, I would've preferred a quiet evening.
You know I have to study for an exam tomorrow.
Okay. Give me the cash.
I'll figure it out on my own, once again. Hey, relax!
-You big clown! Watch it. -I'm gonna fuck you up!
Actually, I'll go with you.
No. You stay down here, or they won't respect us.
Let's see your asshole after I take you to my place in Brussels for a month.
-Yes. -You got that?
Good evening.
Please, help me!
-Help me, please! Stop! -No, thank you.
Sorry, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Shut up!
Are you Cokeman?
Now you listen to me! Listen to me carefully.
On my mother's grave, I didn't know you were blind. Okay?
Yeah, I jerked off your Labrador. And I dug it.
But he came on to me first!
-What? -So now, we can get into it if you want!
You got it, Jafar? You got it?
Fuck, my name is Grégoire and I don't have a dog, damn it!
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry, bro. Gotta admit, with your pumpkin face,
I should've known it wasn't you.
So, what did you need?
I wanted to buy a little coke from you, but forget it.
What are you talking about?
You disturb me while I'm happily banging my fridge, then say "forget it"?
Sorry, I didn't know.
Also, you nutcase, right now I've got the best coke in Paris.
Oh, yeah?
-I can tell you dig that stuff! -Oh, yeah.
-Come on over here, aardvark face. -Yes.
Go on, sit on the couch there.
-You want a blowjob from the fridge? -I'm good, man.
You're missing out. That's a real woman.
-Also, I have a question. -Yeah?
Are those your real teeth or are they a joke?
These are my real teeth.
Damn, those are sick! I'd get a kick out of having the same!
-You know what I'd do? -No.
I'd put little peanuts inside the holes.
Can I do it to you afterwards?
Yeah, why not, but you know, you'd need peanuts.
Don't worry. That shouldn't be too hard to find.
Here you go, lucky guy! Colombiana!
-Nana! -But I gotta warn you,
it's gonna blow your schnoz off!
Can I do a quick one before I bounce?
Of course, bro, I told you. Make yourself at home.
You look so good, it's pissing me off!
-You handsome boy! -Word.
Those crystals are insane!
This is fishscale, right?
Okay, I get it.
I'm in the presence of a blow expert!
Now that's a nice change!
You want a small one?
A really fat one! Give me a real, man-sized line!
-Come on. -Give me a man-sized line!
There.
What you mean "there"? I told you to give me a big-ass line.
There! That's a big-ass line, bro!
Dude's crazy!
There.
He's got his little card and everything.
This guy here, he's all equipped. Come on, here.
I'll make you your little straw.
Here you go, son. Enjoy!
Well?
This is crazy good!
Cokeman? Is my nose supposed to be bleeding?
Of course it is!
You just hit a wall, you bastard!
And he claims to be an expert! "I think this is fishscale."
The only fish in here is right there, and it's got a nosebleed!
You loser! Here. Wipe your nose.
Fuck, I love this plaster!
What are you doing? Quit thinking, bro! It's bad for your high!
Keep it up and you'll have a bad trip.
I think I'm already bad tripping.
Augustin?
-Shut the fuck up! -Is it Jafar?
I think it is Jafar, bro.
No worries, bro, I'm here.
BEWARE MEAN PUSSY!!!
Who is it?
It's the drug squad, you son of a bitch. Open the door!
Right…
Who got you all puffed up like that?
Go on, move it!
It looks like a hemorrhoid, man!
Another fucking wasted day.
But for real, it didn't start off that bad.
I picked up this little posh hottie the night before.
We got down and dirty all night long.
Anyway, I'll spare you the details.
All of a sudden, I stepped on an old dog turd.
I looked at it, all flattened under my sole, and I thought,
"Wrapped in some cellophane, this'll seriously pass for dope."
So I picked up a few turds and I bounced to the 16th.
Guess what, my turds sold like hotcakes.
Bro, all the rich kids were falling for it. It was insane.
Then, I ran into the neighborhood ball-breakers.
A small squad of bougie girls.
Come on, hurry, the fucking cops are here!
I don't give a fuck. Can I touch it or not?
It was impossible to get anything past them.
Hang on. Is this shit?
No.
This guy wants to sell me shit?
Who do you think I am?
Then I turn around…
I see a dozen beefcakes, and they charge at me.
Are you serious with your dog turds?
Move it before I destroy you both!
I'm warning you, my brother knows judo.
That'll teach you to try to scam the posh kids.
Just wait until I run into those bastards again!
Posh kids!
Hey, are you for real? You made straws with this?
-What's wrong? -Can't you read?
Of course not! I never went to school, bro.
It's all hieroglyphs to me! Go on, what does it say?
Yeah, it's an invitation to my sister's wedding.
There'll be hookers everywhere. Everyone there will be rolling in it.
I can't even afford to buy a suit.
Hookers and rich people? We are definitely going.
Aren't you sick of spending your days with asshats like this?
Holy shit. He looks like the Penguin with an OD.
The Penguin in Batman, get it?
Shit! He's freaking me out. I'm gonna have nightmares.
Wait, you know what… I'm gonna pay for your suit.
You're the man, partner. You're the man, swear to God.
Keep the change.
Come on. Let's go, bro.
What do we do with your junkie here?
Can't you see that little bastard's in wonderland?
Let him trip for a bit. He's seeing twerking pigs.
You always get weirdo junkies.
He's just an old loser, bro.
Man, did you fuck him over?
That's your sister?
Yeah, half-sister. We just have the same mom.
Your dad must be really ugly.
Damn, I hadn't put together who Zlatana was marrying.
Who's that asshole?
You don't know Arsène von Gluten?
-No. -All right, let me explain.
This guy comes from a big industrial family
in the fucking baking business.
But he still does some shady stuff on the side.
My boy Hakim was in the biz with him.
-And Hakim tried to pull one over him. -Damn!
Except Arsène totally lost it.
He took him to his bakery.
He knocked him down to knead him on the floor.
He threw him in the oven.
Word is, Hakim came out of there baked like a butter croissant.
Yes.
I do.
Yeah, I do, yeah.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Long live the bride!
It's done, I reeled him in!
He's screwed!
Congratulations, Mr. No Gluten. Congratulations.
Prince Al-Wallou is very keen on meeting you.
Prince Al-Wallou, what an honor!
I've made sure that you will be seated at my table tonight,
so we can talk business.
You look gorgeous, babe, it was incredible.
Haven't you been taking pictures?
I was hypnotized. You're so beautiful.
What are you here for?
Your attention, please.
Gather around the newlyweds for the family photo, please.
Wesh, why are you being all shy? Go on, bro!
You're family, aren't you?
-There's something I haven't told you. -What?
My mom only had kids to make dough off of them.
When she saw my face, she realized I wouldn't be wooing any princesses.
Makes sense.
Isn't my wife beautiful?
Do you know those two weirdos?
Never seen them in my life.
Go get rid of them.
Your mom's the old lady sucking up to the two Saudis?
My dad made her believe he was an Algerian oligarch in the gas business.
When she realized that the only gas he produced was under the covers,
she didn't stick around long.
Under the covers?
Scammer from father to son, you know it.
Of course I know it!
Ready, can we go? Very nice.
But your sis is a knockout.
Excuse me, man.
Hey, move it, you!
Let me go!
-Wesh, what do you think you're doing? -But the picture…
I'm talking to you!
Mrs. von Gluten, Arsène told me to kick them out.
Are you serious? Arsène, come here!
Two minutes, Zoozoo. We're taking pictures.
Don't "Zoozoo" me! How could you treat my brother like that?
No, I…
Quit stuttering! You make me want to smack you!
What did she say?
All right, big guy? You having a good time? It's--
Beat it, don't crowd us.
Everyone, stay still.
Let's take that picture.
-She told you to let me go. Hedi! -You're not family.
Great! Move closer. Now, your best smiles.
I'll never do business with a man whose wife calls him a swine.
God damn him.
And that's a wrap, sweethearts! Thanks, everyone!
Bravo!
How have you been?
You know me, working jobs here and there.
-So you're still struggling? -Yeah, it's a fucking mess.
Don't worry, I'll see what Arsène can do for you.
I have him by the balls, you've no idea.
He didn't even sign a pre-nup, that fool.
-For real? -He's so not ready!
That's my darling sister! Oh, man--
Gonna introduce me to your sister?
Fuck, get outta here! I'm talking to my sister!
-So, that's how it is. -Darling?
I know how you can make it up to me.
Von Gluten, more like von Bitch!
What do you want?
-Wesh, Cokeman! -Go fuck yourself.
-We're back in business, buddy! -I'm not your buddy!
You and your seven-league boots.
Hey, brother! What's the matter?
You serious? I wanted you to introduce me to your hot sister.
She was into me.
I was being all cute. All I wanted was a hug.
And you throw me out like a hobo?
Fuck you, you motherfucker!
Listen to me!
Arsène is offering me… I mean, offering us a chance to sell his weed.
We've got a meeting with him after his honeymoon.
-Dude, fucking crazy good weed. -Whatever, I don't light up.
I'm telling you we're back in business. Are you my boy or not?
Don't give me a headache.
You're my only friend. I'm never letting you down.
In fact, I'm warning you.
The last thing you'll see before you croak is my big fat sweet Arab face.
What do you think? You'll see mine too!
You've already got one foot in the grave.
In six months, you'll be rolling joints with Beelzebub.
You son of a bitch!
I stepped in dog shit, bro. It fucking stinks.
That old loser's still here!
Little Greggy! So, did you dig your trip or what?
No, not at all. It was horrible.
I really thought I was gonna croak.
I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
It was the worst experience of my entire life.
-You really fucked him up! -He won't even wait for me! Naughty boy!
You're not gonna snort that shit!
You don't understand the high.
-But there isn't even any coke in it. -Well, there's a little bit.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, go on, leave me some.
Arsène! So, how was your trip?
The honeymoon? It was amazing.
Zlatana drives me crazy.
As soon as we got there, she put on this little négligée.
I don't want to know the details.
It made her ass look glorious.
I don't need to draw you a picture. You know your sister.
No worries, I got it.
She pushed me against the wall. She started riding me.
Hey!
He said no details! Are you deaf or something?
Why are you butting in? This is family business!
It doesn't concern you!
I'm really sorry. So, you were saying my sister was riding you…
So you're actually the world's biggest ass-kisser! This is crazy!
Hey, that's enough. I'm sick of you.
You won't even be in my network, you got that?
Why should I give a fuck about your network of hobos?
Anyway, I'm gonna snitch on you.
-You're gonna what? -I'm gonna snitch on you!
Him, with his pig face! I'll rat you all out!
You're gonna what?
Who are you gonna snitch on?
Are you ever gonna stop fucking up my life?
You pangolin-fucker!
I involve you in these awesome plans and you embarrass me!
I don't give a fuck! I should be with your sister, you bastard.
All right…
Pong, forget about the weed.
I'm not giving them anything.
Those two morons will screw things up for me.
That's a relief, because I was looking at your accounts.
Between the wedding, the honeymoon, and the failed deal with the Saudis--
No, don't worry, Pong, I have a plan.
We're going to rethink our communication strategy.
You remember back in the day? My mother was on the cookie packaging.
Well, from now on, I want it to be my wife. Yeah.
I want Zlatana to be the new muse for our chocolate-stuffed cookies!
Wait, you want to put her face on the Nutc'h packaging?
So what? You don't think she's worthy of my pastries?
What are you doing?
Are you giving my brother the weed?
I don't know if you've noticed, darling, but I'm with Pong.
We're getting everything ready.
But we need to follow the procedure, my love.
Well, hurry it up!
Very well. All right.
-Get them ten kilos. -No, no way!
And if we keep messing around, we're headed straight for disaster.
I can smell it.
Is that what you were smelling when I walked into the office?
No.
Get me ten kilos, you disgusting old fool.
So, should I give them the Mojo Mango?
Not on your life, the Zeub Zebi will do just fine.
And wash your hands. Wash your hands!
Oh, man!
This weed is the bomb, Arsène!
You won't regret this.
It's no trouble, we're family.
Thanks. Hey, go on, take the bags.
Seriously, I'm really gonna pose with those cakes? Can you imagine?
No, girl, I can totally imagine you. It's going to be insane.
Arsène is willing to pay big bucks for this.
Oh, yeah. It's going to be top-notch.
I already have your slogan.
"Nutc'h just your average cookie!"
-Great, right? -Yeah.
I just saw a room for you in the mansion.
I'll set up my photography studio there, it'll be amazing.
It'll be you and me, chilling. Nice, right?
You really only ever think of yourself.
What makes you say that?
Enough with the "no's," I've figured you out, you dirty dog.
But you know what?
I'll do your shitty commercial. It's not like I have anything else to do.
It's not shitty. I'd never expose you like that.
Sis, check this out. You really came through for us.
Unbelievable. That cheapskate!
By the way, Cokeman, my associate.
Open your eyes. Can't you see he gave you hay?
You want to build your own network and you're already getting swindled.
Arsène, take back your Zeub Zebi and bring the Mojo Mango! Quick!
Go.
That gold digger is going to fuck everything up!
-What? What did you say? -I said I was gonna get it right away!
Go!
How are you gonna bring the weed back to Paris?
By train, but I'm not gonna lie, Cokeman could give us away.
Hang on, my love,
didn't you tell me you had an SUV in the garage,
and you didn't know what to do with it?
Soon, we'll be able to make all our dreams come true.
You gonna get a nose job?
-Have you heard of escape rooms? -No. What's that?
-It's this thing white boys are crazy for. -Yeah?
You're stuck in a room, and they give you clues to get out.
See, I took up the concept, and added my own little ghetto touch.
Now, picture this.
6:00 a.m., you're sleeping like a baby.
Eight beefcakes dressed up like cops break down your door with a battering ram.
They throw you in the clink, right in with inmates who want to shiv you,
and your goal is to escape by any means without getting caught.
And I call it…
The Jailscape game, my man.
No? You don't like it?
So people will pay you to throw them in the slammer?
Yeah.
Dude, your dream is so messed up!
Yeah, well, at least I have one. Shut up.
-Hey, I got one too. -Well, go on, tell me.
To bang your sister, bro!
I wanna stick my face between her butt cheeks and smell it all.
You're all cocky now.
But when you're in front of Zlatana, your balls turn into Skittles, bro.
-What's that? -Son of a bitch, it's customs.
Relax. Leave it to me.
-We're dead. -That cop looks like a real asshole.
-Good evening. -Gentlemen.
Good evening.
-Good evening, sir. -Customs police.
License and registration, please.
Hurry up, please, sir. Thank you.
-You're Myriam Belkacem? -I sure am.
-Can't you tell, officer? -Are you kidding me?
-What's all this smoke? -There's something up with the radiator.
What's wrong with it? Is it a drug addict?
-Oh, shit. That's a good one! -He's so funny!
Step out of the vehicle. We'll do a search.
How do you like that one, Gargamel?
-Get out. Hurry up. -The first one was funnier.
Hurry up.
Oh, my! My Louboutins!
I said, don't move.
I should warn you, though.
You'll find weed inside the trunk.
But don't start stressing out.
It's made of chocolate.
Ta-dah!
Well, that's some ass on this one.
This isn't chocolate.
It's not chocolate.
The punch isn't chocolate either.
What punch?
This one, you son of a bitch!
-Did you see how I wailed on him? -Knocked him out cold!
We have to burn the car, they must have the license plates!
Wesh, where did you end up last night?
Let me tell you, did you see me with little Yasmina?
-She's so hot. -I banged her!
With your old-man face?
What do you mean?
Everyone remember their station?
I intercept the customers. You serve them where it's quiet.
I gotta stay locked up in there while you schmooze outside?
No way. We're doing week A, week B.
Hey, don't start changing my plans.
-Why do you get to do the planning? -'Cause you're a moron.
I'm a moron?
Yeah, so do what I say!
-And did you tell me to do this? -What?
I'm a moron?
Are we doing week A, week B, or not?
A, B, C, D. Whatever you want, bro.
-There. That's good. -Okay, chill.
No need to get worked up.
Yeah, well, stop saying I'm a moron, bro.
Go on, get upstairs.
So we're already on week A?
This is the first day. Of course it's week A.
So when is week B?
I'll let you know a week in advance, don't worry.
-Okay, fine. -All right?
-Okay. A week in advance. -Partner!
Asshole!
So, Ibra and Lass, each of you pick a corner
and pick up the losers that walk by.
You're funny.
You just got run down by your buddy in the briefs.
Now you wanna order us around? You're hilarious. Beat it.
Crazy, on my mother's life. He's crazy.
Go over there. You want your money tonight, you little shit?
Same goes for you, go on. Go to the other corner. Step on it.
Already stocked, bro, yeah.
-Hey, lovebirds. -Hi.
You looking for something?
Yeah. Something.
My buddy Cokeman's there, first right, go upstairs.
Won't you stay with me a while? Stay with me. I'll stroke your balls.
Bro, are you serious?
-Stay with me a bit. -Let go! You're sick. Let go!
Get outta here before I break you, you and your perm.
You think I don't have any friends?
I'm off to find a job, grandma!
Edwidge!
Cokeman. How's it going?
Where are you going, looking like a folding chair?
I have a job interview.
Now that you don't hang with me, you'll succeed in life?
Well, yeah.
Where is this thing?
Ralph Lauren, on Montaigne Avenue. They're looking for a new manager.
That's a good one.
Listen to me. I'm going to spare you the embarrassment of a lifetime.
With your Ralph Lo' knockoff from Zimbabwe,
your cheap old jeans, and your ragged sock face,
you won't get to set a single toe inside the store
before the supervisor hits you with a front kick to the ribs.
You'll end up twisted like the horse on your shirt.
What you talking about, bro?
Right now, with Hedi, we have some insane weed.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it's… Tojo Bongo!
Tojo Bongo? Shit, I love that weed. It's the bomb.
You wanted a job? I've got one for you.
-Thanks, Cokeman. You rule. -You know it.
We don't do facial discrimination.
Oh, shit. Those sick cocker spaniel eyes over those little grey cheeks,
it always gets me.
All right, you win. I'm getting you some kebab.
-Thanks. -But I gotta warn you.
The fries are for your horse.
That bastard needs to get his strength up!
Huguette! Still hustling or what?
Like never before, bro!
Give Krillin a kiss for me.
No worries, fam.
I'm bringing you back a soda!
And I have this Mojo Mango, it dilates your asshole just right.
So go ahead, fam.
Go to the third floor, ask for Cokeman, tough looking guy.
You're both jacked. You should get along.
Remember, the building, the code.
Fuck, this is shit.
Get some Mojo Mango over there. On the right.
All right, good. You stashed it up your fat ass.
Come on, get out of here. What was I saying?
Go up to see Cokeman and ask him how much we made today.
Go yourself.
Who do you think you are?
Hey. Hedi wants to know how much we made today.
Hedi wants today's earnings.
He wants today's earnings right now?
Go on, hurry up, man.
What's your problem? Want me to break your nose?
How much is in there?
I don't know, but it's a lot, so if you could please be careful.
Go on, bro.
Wait!
I don't understand. Where's Hedi?
Downstairs. I'll bring it straight to him.
Yeah, but I don't know who you are. I've never seen you before.
I've never seen you but I can tell you're a good guy.
You can tell. We'll meet up tomorrow.
We're playing football at 7:00 at the stadium.
I'm definitely up for football. But let me explain.
I'm replacing Cokeman for ten minutes, while he gets me some kebab.
If anything happens, I'm in deep shit. He'll kill me.
-You want me to go get Hedi? -Yeah, please.
That's better? I'll go get him.
Move it, beat it!
Wesh, it wasn't me, it's the other guy. I don't even know him.
Do you know a Cokeman?
Third floor on the left.
I can't see! Where's the third floor on the left?
I'll take you.
Either one of you wants to give me your number?
I also do home deliveries.
Go ahead, write it down.
I'll drop by with a bottle of something, and we can chill out.
We'll do it on the doorstep. That suits me just fine.
On the doorstep. That's fine with me.
You okay, man?
So, can I get a 50?
You clown!
Holy shit, that's a bazooka!
That's right, run, you sons of bitches!
Me too.
Fuck!
Where are you going? Come back here! Hey, come back here!
Come back, you son of a…
-Fuck! -Need something, buddy?
Are you Cokeman?
Is that a real bazooka, man?
I don't know, Cokeman. Tell me what you think.
I'm not him…
That's for jerking off Jewel, you son of a bitch.
Rhythm of my feet If she rubs up against me
I can't answer, answer Answer for my actions
On the dance floor I take her on the roof…
Seriously, I missed Jafar again?
What? You know the guy who did this?
No, bro. We keep missing each other. This is too much.
What am I going to do about Arsène now?
Fuck, where were you?
I went to get some kebab for Edwidge.
No way.
That asshole even killed Edwidge.
My beloved little sock. My grey face. Come here.
"I just wanted to be a manager at Ralph Lauren."
"They didn't want me because my face looks like a sock."
"But now that I don't have one anymore,
there won't be any more facial discrimination."
"I might have a shot."
I love this little bastard so much. You know I love you.
Our weed was just stolen. Your place just burned down.
And you're joking around with Edwidge!
It's my place. We can do whatever we want with Edwidge.
"He's right, fuck your mother."
Shut up. You're gonna have a hell of a time eating that kebab.
Fuck. The cops.
Fuck, the cops!
-We take to the roof! -Shit!
Come on, my little burger meat, here we go!
What the hell are you doing?
Fuck, what is all this shit?
Boss!
I may have found a way to relaunch our business.
We're going to make…
Vietnamese imperial roll stuffed with…
MDMA!
And I call them…
What?
NemDMAs!
See, we could leave our bakeries open Saturday night.
That way, kids can eat at our places before going out for the night.
And they'd be high on imperial rolls.
Get rid of this crap and get away from my furnace!
Go, go, go!
Sorry, boss.
It was just an idea.
You can stick your ideas where you like to stick your fingers.
Hedi! What a pleasure!
-How's it going, Arsène? -Here.
You're back awfully early, good job!
By the way, did Zlatana tell you about the SUV?
Tell me what?
Go on, have a taste. Go on.
I found a buyer. I need to get it back.
So, I had a problem with the SUV.
We had customs after us. We managed to get away.
But don't worry, I burned the car in a forest.
They'll never know it was yours.
Is this your recipe?
Yes, that's great.
Shake your butt. It creates reflections.
Gorgeous. You look like an emoji.
Get out of my house, you morons!
-Arsène, you ruined everything! -Shut the hell up!
-Okay. -Zlatana, let me be very clear.
I don't want them inside the mansion again.
Stop getting worked up. You have no credibility.
I just lost an SUV and ten kilos because of them.
So I have reasons to be worked up!
-Don't you think so? -Wait, wait.
An SUV and ten kilos. What is that to you?
"Mister Arsène von Gluten, I'm the drug baron, the king of pastries."
You're panicking over a lame car and ten kilos.
-No. -So, you're actually broke.
That's what you're telling me?
-Are you broke? -No.
That red face. You know what, I'm gonna forget everything.
Your face, the wedding, the bullshit Nutc'h! Go on, beat it!
No, but… Wait, darling!
Let me go!
Okay… You're right, it's true.
A car and some weed, it's not the end of the world.
I'll ask Pong to get them ten kilos. Does that make it all right?
But, baby, wouldn't 20 kilos be better?
Otherwise, how can he build himself back up?
He can't work for free.
-Well, no, indeed. -Well, no.
-Hedi. -Yeah?
-Let's go get all the stuff. -Yeah, let's do that.
That's good, because last time, with ten, it was kinda light.
I'm not lying.
So, Arsène, what kind of cars do you have left?
'Cause last time, the SUV was such a wreck, man.
It didn't even have an AC--
Listen. If I'm letting all of this slide,
it's because I'm crazy about your sister. She is my queen!
I figured.
"Yeah, I figured."
Now listen, you fuck up one more time,
I swear I'm gonna cut off your balls.
I'll turn them into salted caramel-glazed cream puffs.
-You got that? -Yes!
Now you're going to go get your buddy.
I'll give you the weed, and then you're out of here!
I promise, I won't let you down this time.
Thanks, Arsène!
Fucking shitty goddamn forest!
Wesh, what's with you?
We were having so much fun with your sis before you got there.
It was lit!
Yeah, is that right?
We should go out to dinner this week, the three of us. What do you think?
For real? I am so down, bro!
Yeah, you're down?
Fuck!
While you were doing the macarena with my sister,
that bastard von Gluten wanted to turn my balls into caramel!
So quit driving me nuts!
Shut the fuck up and carry the bags!
It was lit.
Hey, come on, I'm beat. Can we hitch a ride, please?
You really think at 3:00 a.m.,
someone's gonna stop for our guilty faces and 20 kilos of weed?
Wesh, you think you're in a movie or something?
Hi, sweeties. Are you lost, by any chance?
Can I drop you off somewhere?
Hey, come on, hurry up, partner.
-You, get in the front! -Okay.
Okay, so basically you guys have had nothing but bad luck.
Yeah, I think I'm cursed, for real.
Now that's funny.
You know what? You remind me of one of my exes.
Abdel-Krim. A gorgeous caramel-colored guy from Ouarzazate,
with the same seductive eyes as you.
Hey, guys, for real, if you don't have anywhere to go, no problem.
You can spend the night at my place.
For real, Yvonne…
I won't lie, that would really help me out.
My pleasure, really. You know, I live alone, sweetie.
So a little company won't hurt.
So, is Mojo Mango good or what?
Is it good?
I'm high as hell.
I can't see squat.
This Manjo, Manjo Jango is awesome!
Give the Mojo Mango back, swear to God you're being weird.
Yeah, not cool, not cool. Not cool at all.
Zlatana?
That you, Zlatana?
You're pushing me away, but I know what you want.
Get your ass over here, come here.
Hey, knock it off!
Yvonne?
Yvonne…
Yvonne?
Hey, Vonnie!
You scared me.
I thought it was a pirate coming to kidnap me.
You down to roll me a joint?
Down?
-No-- -I'm down.
-No, I meant a joint. -I'm so down!
No, Vonnie!
What's the matter?
You seem troubled.
You didn't like it?
Of course I did, Vonnie. It was the bomb.
I was just thinking, I can't make the same mistakes with the dope.
Yeah. This time, you need to work with people who respect you.
Obviously, I'm done with the Gremlins.
Why don't you choose people who look innocent?
So that the cops won't suspect them.
Honest people would never think of robbing you.
-Get it? -No. You know what?
I'm gonna pick guys who look like losers that no cop would catch.
And that I'll be able to really put to work.
You dig?
That's a great idea.
-You think so? -Totally.
Hey, Vonnie…
Could you change positions? I can't think like this.
Stop!
-That's not true. -It is.
No, it's not true.
You know what? Fuck business.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
Babe!
You finished all the lube earlier.
Mojo Mango makes me dry up.
Does it also make you kinda limp?
Let me introduce myself. My name is Hedi. I'm your new boss.
And this is Cokeman, my second-in-command.
Since when am I your second?
I mean, you're my right arm.
Your right arm's gonna punch you in the jaw if you keep strutting.
You look like an Albanian.
What was I saying?
Yvonne, what was I supposed to say?
He's kind of stupid, isn't he?
You should tell them that since they each belong to a branch--
Got it. Shut up, I remember.
So, you guys each belong to a branch.
And therefore you all form… a kind of tree.
And no one can burn you.
It's a fireproof tree, in a way.
Excuse me, sorry.
If I may cut off your joke, which is super funny.
No, you may not, no.
Yes, I may, because we don't understand what you're saying.
"Tree," "fireproof," I don't know. Are you building a forest? I don't understand.
Nobody understood?
Well…
It's a metaphor.
-Who? -Who's that?
Oh, dear God.
Okay, Yvonne, explain my idea to them please.
-All right. -Who's this metaphor?
So, sweeties. It's very simple.
The reason we picked you is that you each impact a well-defined target.
There, it makes more sense already.
Grégoire and Augustin, since you're still in college,
you're going to work the branch made up of…
-Students. -Yes.
That's the branch I wanted to talk about earlier.
Yeah, great. Good job.
And Gildas… Big man Gildas.
Since you're unemployed, we thought you could use
your appointments at the unemployment office
to build a network of unemployed people.
Okay.
We've also prepared little packets for you that start at two euros.
-Not a bad idea. -I know.
Watch your fashion style though, buddy.
You really look like a pedophile.
I gotta admit, it's not…
I like it.
Cargo shorts, socks, sandals, just like that.
And the lovely Alice.
Since you're a painter, well…
I don't need to draw you a picture.
I mean, I'm not just a painter.
-I also perform. -Quit laughing.
In fact, I have a gallery where I work with dancers,
sometimes jugglers… Whoever wants to come. It's like, it's--
Hey! Nobody gives a fuck about her life.
Nobody gives a fuck.
So, I'm going to give each of you a cell phone.
Hedi and I will dispatch the calls. All the refills will be done here.
-All right. -Okay?
And don't worry, I'll write everything down.
She'll write everything down, so don't even try to screw me over!
Why is he yelling?
Go on, get the hell out of my place!
Quit strutting! Quit acting like the boss!
-Chill. -Take your hand off! Take it off!
Acting all clever in front of them.
-I got carried away. -Take your hand off!
MMM, SO GOOD - MOJO MANGO 200% SATISFYING - BUY IT
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS
ON THE JOB MARKET… I AM FLEXIBLE!
NUTC'H - STUFFED WITH CHOCOLATE
MOJO MANGO 50 EUROS 5G
CHRISTOPHE JALLET STREET
My two favorite little bitches!
Who slapped you?
We're gonna tell Yvonne we're out of the game.
It's getting too complicated with Hedi's new prices.
You serious? What about our fun trio?
Dude, we've never been a fun trio.
Exactly. The fun hasn't even started, and you already want to fuck off?
I thought I was kinda like a father to you.
With your rich-kid faces.
Hey, come here, my lovely crackers.
Daddy's gonna teach you some pressure techniques. Good stuff!
-Hey, you're jacked, Augustin! -Thanks.
What do you mean "thanks"? I'm kidding.
Can't you see your arms are like pretzel sticks?
I'll give you some creatine.
But you won't have a hair left on your noggin.
Like Zizou, bro!
Why are you laughing, you little warthog? Beat it!
-Why are you doing what I say? -Yeah, I gotta say…
-What did you say? -I didn't say anything.
-You called me a "fucking Arab." -No!
That's exactly what you should've done!
Run, you wimps. I'm gonna stick a finger up your asses.
Could you add a little, because--
Those are the new prices, got it?
Yeah, okay, I'll take it.
Of course you'll take it. Go on, beat it!
Go on, shoo!
No, not "shoo," bro…
-"Off you go!" -No!
"Motherfucker," "move it," "go fuck yourself." Ghetto, bro!
Mojo Mango!
Yeah! Motherfucker!
We got Mojo Mango, guys!
Yeah, new prices!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Coming, coming.
-Is it weed? -It's the bomb, trust me.
-Is it good weed? -Trust me.
-This is Mojo Mango, right? -Yeah.
Give me a 20, real quick.
We don't do 20 here. It's 50 or nothing.
No worries, I'll front you.
-How much you got? -Twenty.
I got 30.
Here.
Go on, give me a 50 for these two losers.
Hide it, buddy, hide it good.
-Wait, wait, wait… -What're you doing?
What's this? Are you kidding?
Now you look at me.
Look at me. Do I look like I'm kidding?
Do I look like I'm kidding?
You look like a joke, look at how you're dressed.
Hey, I don't give a shit. You don't know me.
Okay, you know what? I don't know you.
Take your weed, return my cash, and we'll leave it at that. It'll be cool.
Is this homie serious?
-What did he say? -What did you say?
I said "homie"!
Fuck, I'm bleeding!
Okay, you win. I'm going to fuck you up!
Hey, stay away.
-All good? You learned your lesson? -Get the fuck outta here.
-Stick to your guns, like Cokeman! -Okay!
Stop getting back up!
Let me go or I'll fuck you up!
Cops are here!
What's going on?
Leave him to me! He's mine!
Shut up!
-I didn't do shit! -Yeah, right, don't move!
Are you okay? Is anything broken? Look at me.
Okay…
Don't touch me, you fucking pig!
Take your hands off, I'm gonna fuck you up!
Shut your wrinkly old mouth! Spitting on me!
You little homo. We're bringing everyone in, let's go. Come here!
Well?
Hey, wesh, that's not ours.
Now that's a good one. So whose is it then, assholes?
We may be assholes, but we're not snitches, okay?
All right, put these two in a cell and they stay there until they talk.
Hedi and Cokeman are running the network.
Already? Hang on… Already?
Yeah, they picked us because we look like losers.
You can tell, right?
Yeah, I can sort of tell. That’s true, yeah.
Yeah.
Two total shits.
-Thanks a lot. Have a nice day. -Goodbye.
I snitched on them. Without hesitation.
I'm nothing but a fucking rat!
What are we gonna tell Hedi and Yvonne when they count the money?
We'll just tell them we got mugged by Black guys.
You think they'll buy that?
No, not a chance in hell. I'm warning you, we're fucked.
Maybe Cokeman will believe us.
Yeah. After all, that guy is a moron.
Come on, it's worth a try.
Go ahead, David, it's kosher.
Nejib, there's some couscous in the fridge.
Shit, guys! It's so good to see you!
-Who told you it was my birthday? -It's your birthday?
-You wanna come in? -Yeah, totally!
Let's go. I'm warning you, it's a war zone.
Edwidge, turn down the music. Can't you see we have guests?
We can't hear ourselves think.
Go on, bros, sit down.
-You wanna dress up like me? -I think we're dressed up enough.
Want a line, boys?
-Yeah! -No. Thanks.
We're good.
"No, thanks, we're good." You and your elephant head.
-Cokeman, is this your place? -Yeah. Well…
It was my mom's, but I took over the place. Pretty sweet?
Lit.
It's kind of like a whorehouse, redone in the modern art style.
Hey! What did you say?
You saying my mother was a whore? Is that it?
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
No, not at all. Quite the opposite. I was saying it's pretty sweet.
Shut up.
You don't talk much, but when you do, I wanna rip off your ostrich head.
Fucking asshole. You guys are getting too cocky with me.
Do you think we're friends?
Now strip naked. I'm gonna give you some costumes.
-I said strip naked. -All righty!
Quit saying "all righty!"
-Stop saying that. -You too! Shut up!
-Okey-dokey. -I'll show you "okey-dokey."
There we go. Isn't this better?
My little April.
Okay. Do you know why I got worked up earlier?
Because you're absolutely right, Splinter.
My mom was a whore. But, hey! Not just any whore.
She had the strongest pussy in Paris.
Her lips were like two biceps, bro.
Fuck, I miss her.
My mom was the best.
That's why I'm telling you, the three of us, we're a family, okay?
No secrets between us.
Speaking of… We have to tell you something.
What? That you snitched to the cops?
Wait…
-You did that to me? -No, that's not it.
I saw you coming out of the precinct, you snitches.
-That's not it-- -I thought we were brothers.
Precisely. Let us explain.
-We need to explain… -That's not exactly the whole story…
Relax, guys. Can't you see I don't give a fuck?
Let the cops come. I could use some action.
Can't you see I'm bored as fuck right now?
But about Hedi…
He can go fuck his mother.
Since he started his network, he's been ignoring me.
I invited him, he didn't come.
-We lost all the weed. Hedi is gonna ask… -Quit stressing, Rat Boy!
Can't you see I'm loaded? I'll pay for your weed.
There, I'll pay for it.
-Thank you. -Don't thank me yet.
Now…
Let's be quick and to the point.
Which one of you is gonna blow me first?
That's right, buddy.
It's my birthday and I hate snitches. Get that stick ready, I'll shove it up.
You, little April, open your mouth.
Oh, shit, you're gonna blow me. She's ugly, but it turns me on.
I said, open wider.
Open wider. I'm kidding you.
Do you think you deserve my dick with those teeth of yours?
God, this April is ugly.
I'm not kidding at all, you son of a bitch. You drive me crazy.
All right, I looked at the numbers before we restock tomorrow.
Grégoire, Augustin…
This month, you killed it.
I won't lie, I didn't think you were capable of that.
However, get rid of those fucking furs.
You're supposed to be discreet.
So put your lame clothes back on.
-I think their furs are great. -You shut up. Shut up.
Gildas!
You're clearly stuck in a downward spiral.
Don't unemployed people enjoy lighting up?
I'm sorry, boss, it's just that people need to get used to the new prices.
-I'll make up for it. -You better, buddy!
'Cause dealing weed isn't a permanent position.
I'm warning you, you could be canned any minute.
And one of you is clearly messing with me. Not to name anyone, but Alice.
You just named me.
Yeah, no, I know. It's a metaphor.
No, that's not a metaphor. That's a preterition, but never mind.
Yeah?
Well, Miss Know-It-All, can you explain to me why you're 8,000 euros short?
When I gave you 50 packets of 200 euros?
No, you gave me 200 packets of 50 euros, not the same thing.
But I know you struggle with numbers, and I simply kept the original prices.
It would've been stupid to lose my customers
just because you're greedy.
Excuse me? I think I misheard just now.
What? That you're greedy? No. I think you heard me perfectly well.
Everyone here thinks the same, but I'm the only one who dares to say it.
Business was good, but you stupidly decided to ruin everything.
So now, you're going to teach me how to do my job?
Okay, you think it's a job. All right.
If we posit that, then yeah,
you still have a couple of notions to assimilate.
Gildas, was it a stupid idea to cut back on the quantities?
No… Alice, for real,
even I thought the bags were a little too full.
-Are you kidding me? -No. Sometimes I even smoked some of it.
-I still sold them. -You did what?
I… No. But…
My point is, I agree with you.
I'm on your side, boss.
Well, keep being on my side.
We'll meet up at the end of the road and work this out.
Anyway, you can forget about next month's paycheck.
Fucking junkie.
Be polite! You've been yelling for the last two hours!
Yelling! What do you think? Do you think we're dogs?
Aren't you sick of hearing your own voice? Don't you get sick of yourself?
Well, let me tell you something, shut the fuck up! Is that clear?
Everyone here is tired of you. Them and I!
-You're tired? -Yeah, I'm tired.
Let me relieve you, you're fired, bitch.
-Didoo! -Shut up! I'm not your Didoo.
If I say she's fired, she's fired.
Get your ass off that couch before I toast you.
Yeah? With what?
-With this? I didn't hear you. With this? -Yeah… No…
See ya.
-Didoo! -Yeah.
-Where are you going? We're having fun. -Leave me alone, you junkie.
-Damn loser. -Totally.
I told you to shut up. Move your hand.
Don't think I didn't see you slam the car door, asshole!
Shut up, or I'll slam your face!
With your stupid Mireille Mathieu bangs, you hobo!
-Zlatana. -I have something to tell you.
Beat it, go talk to your buddy.
I met a dictator's son.
Swear to God! A dictator?
Beat it, go talk to your buddy.
I gotta admit, he's ugly as fuck, but he's a total patsy.
Tomorrow, I'm going to join him in Dubai.
Because I'm sick of that owl-faced loser.
All right, you listen to me.
You're staying with owl face. You're not gonna screw me.
Who do you think you're talking to?
I mean, if you leave him, how am I supposed to get the Mojo Mango?
You haven't put anything aside?
Can't you tell? I've put aside all my problems.
And I'm not about to go back to them.
What about your Jailscape dream?
That was a loser's dream! Neither here nor there.
Listen, with this next guy,
we'll have enough for us to be comfortable.
-No. -Trust me.
-I'm begging you! -What are you doing?
Let me mooch off him one last time, that son of a bitch!
I'm leaving tomorrow, okay? I'm done with von Gluten's kisses.
Get up, you look ridiculous. Move it.
Okay, it's your decision.
Hedi! Don't let on, okay? I'm trusting you.
-What do you think I am, a snitch? -Of course, you're a snitch.
Fuck!
Wesh, Arsène. How's it hanging?
I have a deal for you. You're gonna go nuts.
Have a seat, tell me all about it.
Well, actually…
Actually, a Russian billionaire, a Mr. Poliakoff.
Weird name, I know.
He got a taste of the Mojo Mango, and he went crazy over it.
He brought some to a poker game, and guess who was at the table.
Putin, bro!
Putin took a puff of Mojo Mango, and he totally dug it.
Now this Poliakoff dude wants to flood the country with your weed.
How awesome is that?
It's great.
-Sounds like a good plan to me. -You up for it?
Awesome.
He seemed in a hurry, though, and so he was ready to buy…
one hundred kilos.
Cash. As early as tomorrow.
Does that work for you?
Tomorrow, 100 kilos. Very well. Let's do that.
We'll meet up at my factory.
Just one last thing.
This Poliakoff is kind of paranoid.
He wants only the three of us at the exchange.
Do you mind that?
I like this Poliakoff. A true professional.
Well, he's a billionaire. He doesn't have the time.
Here's a riddle. Hang on, a riddle.
I sound like a platypus, I walk like a raptor,
and my profile looks like a pyramid. Who could I be?
That's Hedi!
-I love you, you cheeky boy! -What are you doing? Come here.
-I know you're not gay. -I'm gay. What are you saying?
I've loved dicks since I was a kid.
-You love dicks? -Yes.
Feel this up.
No homo has ever resisted this slice of beef.
Feel it up or I'll punch you! Come on!
All right.
You're grossed out. You fucking heterosexual, look at me.
I'm gonna tell Zlatana.
-This guy's had enough. -No, please, come back.
Don't say anything, please. You win, you caught me.
I'm not gay. It's the truth, you're right.
I've been in love with her since I was a kid.
I love this girl, understand?
I could only think of this way to stay close to her.
You think I've enjoyed this? I've got better things to do.
When she strips naked in front of me, I get a hard-on, I'm helpless.
Put yourself in my shoes. I'm a grown-up. I'm 30, after all.
Aren't you clever?
Thanks.
Because with your stupid Tunisian wrestler goatee,
if you hadn't pretended to be gay all these years,
you'd be put in jail a long time ago.
-You dirty bastard. -I got lucky, it's true.
"I got lucky, it's true." You and your goatee really annoy me.
They look like football goalposts. I wanna kick a ball into your mouth.
I like football.
I insult you and that's your response?
You sure you're not a little bit gay? Because you're one hell of a sucker.
Okay, move it, Wolverine.
"Sister! It's okay, I'm back! I got the money for the Jailscape game."
Hey… That son of a bitch is mimicking me.
Don't you worry, Arsène, I didn't clue him in on this deal.
Actually, this is the last time you'll ever see him.
Jesus, this guy is deadweight. If I stick with him, I'll definitely sink.
Yeah, for sure.
And click.
Again.
Come on, a profile pic.
You got them?
Von Gluten won't be sticking around for long, let me tell you.
What?
-Are you messing with me? -What do you mean?
Is that your real voice?
Yeah, it's my real voice. What kind of stupid question is that?
Your voice doesn't match your face. It's weird.
What? Never heard that one before.
Got your ID? Come on, hand it over.
I don't have it on me. It's at the precinct, boss.
-We're on a stakeout. -I see!
Let's go and check. Boris!
-What? -We're going to the precinct.
-Aren't we working the von Gluten case? -No, we're not.
We're working on a repatriation, you're gonna relax now.
-No papers? That's shady. -This is bullshit.
-Doing that, to me? -Boss!
-Can I talk to you? -That bastard!
You'll say I'm imagining things again,
but there's a weird van lurking around the house.
If he tried to screw me over, that means she's leaving me.
Don't you think?
-Where is she? -The van?
Zlatana!
She's in her room.
She's in her room? In her room…
What are you doing?
Are you gonna kill her? Please tell me you're gonna kill her.
Fuck, we're gonna kill her!
We're gonna bump off that gold digger!
-Should I take this one? -How about you try this on?
-Give me a break. -Where are you going?
I want to know.
Karim and I had planned to spend the weekend in Dubai,
to relax a little, you know?
-Yeah? -Yeah.
We'll have a blast.
That's nice.
And you need all your jewelry for this weekend?
You filthy liar!
-Don't take that tone with me. -Want me to change my tone?
You're going off the rails.
-You get outta here, you old queen. -Don't talk to Karim that way.
-I'll talk to Karim however I want. -No worries.
Give me your phone. Your phone!
And your cards. Give me all your cards, understood?
I'll take care of your idiot brother.
When I get back, we're going to have a chat.
Yeah.
Because may I remind you, you were my muse.
You and me, it was forever. You remember that?
I fucking love you!
-What do we do about the van? -What do we… Well, load it.
Put in 100 kilos of rice, hay, soil, imperial rolls, whatever.
I'm gonna smoke this bastard!
Hang on, I don't think you understand.
What about what I just said wasn't clear? You fucking dog!
Just you wait and see what this filthy dog will do to you.
Hey, Hedi? You know, I'm really into Zlatana.
But not like I just want to bang her. I have real feelings for her, you know?
When I'm with her, I feel crazy confident afterwards.
It's like I'm with a buddy, except one with a little pair--
Can't you see she's making fun of you? Idiot!
She just told me she wants to run away with the son of an African dictator.
You're pissed off because you know I'm this close to riding her, bro.
You really believe you're going to date my sister someday?
Yeah.
Don't you get that she's into men with dough?
She's even sick of Arsène.
And you think she's gonna run away with some guy who has the IQ of a dick?
Wake up, man! You're gonna be a loser your whole life.
But you can't even understand that. You're too much of a moron!
Anyway, you and I are done. We'll do this last deal together, then--
Stop the car, I wanna get out.
-I said, we're doing this one, and then-- -No, you motherfucker!
We used to be two clowns, living it up.
Now, I have much more fun with my two little crackers.
You act like you're loaded. You don't even have a home, you hobo!
You bought a lame old car, and your girlfriend looks like Popeye.
Stop the car before I break your nose.
-No. -I said, stop the car!
-No! -I said, stop the car!
-I said no! -Stop it!
No!
Cokeman!
I'm a son of a bitch. A fucking son of a bitch!
Cookie…
Fuck! I'm a son of a bitch!
Hey! That's gross, Vonnie.
All right, Gildas, did you practice your part as the Russian?
Yeah. So…
Awesome!
This'll totally work.
You speak good Russian, you bastard!
I practiced all night.
All right… You two…
Go around the warehouse. Discretely.
On my signal… you slay that motherfucker!
But… Cokeman wasn't available?
'Cause when it comes to slaying motherfuckers, he's pretty good.
No.
I think I've gathered the best elements of my team.
Okay, the truth is Cokeman and I had a fight.
He jumped out of the car, and I haven't heard from him since.
Didoo.
He might be dead.
Was I talking to you?
Go on.
This dumb bitch is going to curse him.
VIDEO CALL…
He might already be dead.
Yo, my man! Yeah!
Yeah! You okay? You're not pissed off anymore?
Pissed off about what?
We had a fight, you jumped out of the car and slammed straight into the guardrail.
I don't remember that, bro.
So that's how I got this hole in the back of my head.
-Can you see it? -So here's the plan.
Do you at least remember Arsène von Brioche?
I ain't forgetting that dickhead.
While I hustle him with Gildas, you sneak up from behind, and--
-I slay that motherfucker. -There! Exactly!
So, we'll meet up in front of his factory at Pontault-Combault.
I'm going to the dry cleaner's.
Hey, Cokeman, I wanted to tell you life is precious.
We don't tell people that we love them enough.
Okay, don't get me all heated.
-Okay. -What a joker.
Hey, Solange, they got the lollipop delivery wrong again.
I ordered strawberry-anus, and this is caramel-knob cheese.
Send it all back to the supplier.
Denis, I just got a text. Can you please read what it writes?
What it "says," not what it "writes."
Okay. I'm 30 and I can't write my own name,
and you're giving me a hard time about grammar. I'm screwed. Read it.
"Wesh, wesh, Cokeman, it's Zlatana."
"Arsène left. Get your little peaches and your lame goatee over here."
"Tonight, you're screwing me."
"Tonight" is misspelled, great.
Wallah, that's what it says, Denis?
Wallah.
You get under my skin when you say "wallah," you bastard.
Okay, give me three Viagras or I'll punch you.
You look tense, child.
No, it's 'cause with everything I've snorted,
my dick is like a dead sock now.
But we're gonna wake up the anaconda. We're gonna wake up the beast.
So you're not coming over tonight? Too bad, I had some wild stuff planned.
Knock it off, Denis. You go too far every time.
Remember the shit mustache you gave me?
Let me remind you, that was your idea.
-I gotta say, it was funny. -Yeah, it was.
Okay, answer. "I'll be right there, my Zlattie."
Put three exclamation marks, a zucchini emoji, and a little apricot.
Don't make that face.
Hey, I promise, I'll come back later and we'll get down.
-Can I put my balls on your forehead? -Not a chance!
Man, I love you. Later, Denis. You're the best.
-Your phone! -I don't give a fuck about that.
Stick it up your ass.
-Wild, just like his mother. -Go on, beat it, Candeloro.
That guy's nuts. He's way too ugly for this bike.
He's crazy.
Pong, that idiot with the briefs is on his way.
Lock him up in a room upstairs. I'll take care of him when I get back.
-Did you load the van? -Yes. Everything's loaded, boss!
-Doukouré! -Yes, boss?
There you are. Listen. Gather your entire security team,
put them in the back of the truck, then pick the two toughest ones
and put them in front of the safes. Like that.
Okay? Go!
Cut! That sucked. We'll keep it.
Cut! New sequence. Everybody quiet, please.
If you want the part let me know. I'm not just anybody.
I'm Bun-Hay Mean after all.
Byron, can you tell your guys to get ready?
-Yeah, I'm just having a cookie. -Okay.
Ask them to stop smoking in the extras' room.
The costume designer is complaining about the smell. Thanks.
Come on, let's go, new sequence, new set.
We're all going to the Pontault Combault station.
LOCAL FIGURATION
What are you doing? Fuck, what is this shit?
Are you kidding me?
I get you in a movie and you fuck everything up!
Relax. We're allowed to have some fun, right?
-I don't give a fuck! -What's going on here?
Get your costumes. We're doing a new sequence now.
Please, let me come with you.
What you talking about? You have scenes in Paris.
I need to rack up some days. I don't even have a bed. I sleep on my brother.
-Okay, go on. -Thanks, Byron, you're a good man.
Okay, stay calm. Stay calm in the back.
Mounir, Bader, stay here, you've got a scene with the stinky Chinese guy.
-We're staying here? -You think I'll stay with him?
I don't give a fuck. That's the job. Don't bust my balls.
Guys! New sequence!
New sequence!
-Those bastards! -Shut up!
-You got some rage, man! -Of course, I got some rage.
Your face makes me want to fuck you up.
Imperial roll, guys?
You really think I'm gonna eat your poodle rolls?
Take your platter and beat it, before I fuck you up.
Come on, beat it.
Hey, why are you bullying him like that?
Hey, Pong!
Bring that back here. Bring it. We'll try them out.
Besides, they look awesome.
They're 100% halal.
Hey, did you hear that?
Insane! This is good.
-You're playing. -Let go!
-Let go, you're so greedy! -I'm letting go.
What's in it?
Nothing but love.
Leave the platter before I fuck you up the ass.
Beat it. You think you're gonna eat with us?
Enjoy, guys, and have a nice trip!
Hey, come on, wesh, just one.
New sequence!
Drink up! In one shot, I'm gonna fuck him up!
-I'm drunk! -That's Cokeman!
Doukouré, what we're going to do is,
I'll wait for them alone with the bags of rice, and on my signal--
New sequence…
Hey! Can you quit it with your Zulu music?
What's the meaning of this?
Respect!
Didn't they teach you that in your shitty ghettos?
So, Doukouré, what we're going to do…
Fuck, what are we doing, again?
There! I forgot my line because of them. Fuck!
Why did I agree to do this shitty movie
with these stupid lines that I don't understand?
What? We're doing something funny!
What we're doing is funny! It's funny! Fuck!
I'm so fucking ashamed! I'm ashamed!
They told me, "You'll be in a movie for young people."
"It's cool. it's good for your career."
"My dear Fred…"
Stupid fucking agent! And how did it turn out?
I'm stuck here with all these losers!
Fred, now you're going too far.
We losers have been here for two months, we get treated like shit,
and you pile on this "Zulu" crap or whatever?
Wait, Byron, I didn't mean you.
Shut up! Big bad Arsène… Whatever, that's in the movie.
Talk nicely.
If you talk shit one more time, this Zulu's gonna fuck your grandmother.
Fred Testot or not, I don't give a fuck!
Did he say Zulu?
There's no smoking inside the truck.
Shut your mouth, froggy!
You've been busting my balls the whole time!
Because I'm the only white person,
I've been a victim of racism from all of you since filming began.
And I sit and take it, when… Yeah.
That's right. That's easy.
See, Mounir, when I talk trash to everyone…
it's a defense mechanism!
Don't worry, I know!
-I'm a good guy, Mounir. -I'm ready to die for you.
No, I'll die for you, Mounir!
-I love you! -I love you!
I love you, but I'm getting hot. Is it weird if I take my shirt off?
You get comfortable! Fuck them!
Yeah, fuck them!
-Free! I'm fucking free! -Free!
Hey, what're you doing?
-No, it's just… -Let me help you, bro.
-Don't you want me to help you? -Grab a bag.
Let me help you.
Fuck you, von Gluten, motherfucker!
-Fill the bag! -Yes.
Hey, Bader! You down to go party?
Go on, I'm itching to rub up against someone.
Come on!
-That's some face you got! -Yeah?
You must score with the ladies, you dog!
You're not scoring anything with your crooked face, you son of…
You bastards are high on molly.
Give me some, I wanna get high with you.
Give me that. Don't touch me!
-I'll send you bitches back to prehistory! -Cokeman!
Cokeman! Come on, hurry up! Hurry!
Guys, I gotta bounce.
Hey, caveman, that asshole's gonna contaminate you!
Don't listen to him, Mounir. You can contaminate me if you want.
Come on, let's hurry.
Get on all fours and arch your back.
-That way I can stick it in you. -What did you say?
It's about the text you sent me. I can tell you my nightstick is excited!
What the hell is that, a mushroom?
Shut up, assholes! I'm gonna kill you all!
-You serious? -Shut your trap, gold digger!
Can't you see this whole mess is your fault?
I loved Arsène like a father. See what you forced me to do to him?
-You fucked everything up! -But, Pong--
There was never any Pong! My name is Florian, okay?
Listen, Florian dear, with all the cash you have here,
imagine how comfortable the two of us can be.
You're not gonna let me die here, are you?
No way! From now on, you and I are Bonnie and Clyde.
Florian and Clyde!
-I'll take the bags? -Yes.
Fuck, you're so hot!
-Get my suitcase? -Yeah, we're such a great team.
Good luck to you both!
-Fuck you! -Your head looks like an ass.
She was just scared of my AK-47.
The jackhammer!
I'm gonna stick you in the PlayStation 4. You'll understand real pain.
Hi, kids, this is Cokeman's voicemail. Leave me a voice message.
But definitely not a text 'cause I can't read!
That fucking asshole. I knew he wasn't reliable.
All right. Now that we're here, there's no going back, guys.
So you're gonna ice Arsène.
Well, not you. Grégoire, can you shoot?
I've played some Laser Quest.
That's it, it's exactly the same, okay?
So, when I say "the goose is cooked,"
you pump the fucker's back full of bullets, okay?
And don't worry, I'll get the 100 kilos,
we'll load them in the Cadillac, and we're set for the good life, man!
Come on, Augustin, we're not donkeys.
Yeah, okay, you're right.
You really gotta stop drinking vodka.
Vodka isn't good for you.
Why are you still following me? Did you not understand the plan?
Get in through the back, Tom and Jerry.
Go, hurry! Fuck.
Man, they're stupid.
Let's go through here.
Right?
Move it, you son of a bitch.
Hey, Arsène, how's it going?
This is the famous Mr. Poliakoff.
He only speaks Russian, but don't worry, I'll translate for you.
That means he's really, really interested.
I mean, I think.
Are you serious?
With your shitty chapka.
Hey, Mr. Poliakoff, he asked you a question.
Answer him, wesh.
Yes…
But he's talking to me in real Russian. I mean, I…
I mean, I can only speak gibberish.
You speak French too, Mr. Poliakoff?
Well, that'll make it easier to talk.
Don't waste your energy. You're both already dead, aren't you?
Well, I guess, you're right…
The goose is cooked!
I think the goose is really cooked.
That's good. You're lucid for once, big guy.
Right?
What the fuck is that?
-Help! -Who did you think you were gonna hustle?
-This is the von Gluten gang. -I said, look down.
-Get down. -It'll be okay, don't worry.
You think you're Tony Montana?
More like Tiny Montana.
That was a good one.
Shut up.
I'm gonna kill you.
Hey, don't kill them, okay?
I've preheated my oven on high. We'll start with the clown in the chapka.
Let's turn him into raisin bread.
Not raisins! I'm allergic. I'm allergic to raisins!
Yes! With raisins. The boss gets to decide. And you, shut up.
Fuck, it was… Come back.
Hey, Arsène! Wait.
I'm sorry, I really fucked up.
Yes, I tried to screw you over.
And I even deserve to be baked in the oven. But…
before you make cream puffs out of my balls,
let me ask you for one last favor, please.
Spare Gildas. I swear, he had nothing to do with this.
The only person responsible is in front of you.
You can start rolling, Beelzebub. I'm coming.
Hell is under you, idiot.
-Right. -There.
You're surrounded, von Gluten. Don't do anything stupid.
Surrender without making any trouble.
Shut your trap, shut up.
Yeah? What are you going to arrest me for, exactly?
Here. For this?
What is this?
Perhaps for this?
Or this?
Cocaine, ecstasy, child trafficking…
Yeah. This is exactly what you're getting busted for, von Gluten.
-Shit, Pong screwed me over. -Let's bring him in.
-Cokeman snitched on me, didn't he? -We're bringing everyone in?
You can tell me. That son of a bitch.
-I always knew he was a whore. -Hedi!
Cokeman!
I'm here, brother, don't--
Holy shit!
Come on.
Fuck, let go.
Wait. Did he just hit him with his dick?
That guy's crazy.
-I can't breathe. -Eat my ass, you fucking pig.
Come on. Get him! The flash balls! Go!
And aim for the eyes!
-Aim for the eyes! -Well, my little nuggets?
You waiting for me?
My man!
Bunch of bitches!
Hey, my man! Watch out!
Sorry, bro, but you got AIDS now. That's right.
For Theo!
That's gross.
Come here.
-You got nice eyes, you bastard. -Thanks.
You're still getting the elbow.
I am?
Now, that's something.
A little blow…
And we're good to go again.
Come closer. Come on, come on!
Cokeman, behind you!
Cokeman, come free me!
Hedi!
Get him!
It's… I don't want to look.
Is that part of the script?
Byron!
Are those special effects on Batu?
You thought I was gonna die for 30 euros?
Come on, we're outta here.
Nice going, bro.
Cokeman, help me!
You'll have to learn how to defend yourself a little.
You loser.
I'm a loser? Look at your belly, you son of a bitch.
What's that?
-Are you okay, partner? -Relax, bro, I got it.
-Look out, behind you! -Come here!
-Okay, I don't have it at all-- -No, Cokeman!
What's gonna happen now?
We're setting on the great journey
-No! -I'm coming, Mom.
Leave him alone!
Let go of me, Poliakoff! Beat it.
Gildas, what the fuck are you doing?
Saving your ass, friends.
-Let go of me. Take that. -You go, Gildas.
Say hi to my mother!
-Gildas! -That old whore!
Not the oven! Not the fucking oven!
Fuck you, man!
And thanks again for the adventure!
Hey, Gildas…
that guy is lit!
That poor guy's burned out.
What are you doing?
Putting some blow on my boo-boos.
Come on, buddy, let's go. The cops are starting to wake up.
That bastard stabbed me.
I told you you'd die before me.
If I die, you're coming with me.
-I'm never letting you go. -We're going to make Beelzebub sweat.
-I love you, you bastard. -Yeah, I love you too.
-But take your hand off. -Look at those frog legs!
-Take your fucking hand off. -What are you gonna do about it?
-Move your hand. -Tell me you love me.
I love you. Take your hand off.
-Okay, bro. -Put your hands back.
You're going to kill me, wesh!
I'm so cold.
Babe.
I have to pay inside. Are you coming with me?
-No, I'm too lazy. I'll wait for you here. -You will?
-You sure? -Yeah. Go ahead.
-Yeah? -Go on, hurry up.
-So, I'm going? -Yeah.
Florian, baby?
Can you bring me back a bottle of water?
Of course, babe.
Thank you.
I didn't even get to touch her boobs.
Yvonne! Vonnie!
-You gonna open? -Vonnie!
Open the fucking door, Vonnie! Vonnie! Fucking hell.
So? How did it go with Arsène?
-Move it, Popeye. -What's up, Popeye?
Cokeman, quick, untie me.
-With what, bro? -The pliers under the dresser.
What's going on? Didoo?
Bro, where is it?
What's wrong with Cokeman? He's covered in blood.
What's she doing here? What are you doing here?
Hiya.
-What's this hobo doing here? -No, but…
It's because she…
-Always fucking squatting. -She came to have a cup of tea with me.
We wanted to have tea. What's going on?
-Get the bag, partner. -My legs are asleep.
What are you doing?
-Sorry. You okay? -What are you doing?
-Men… -Men…
-Didoo! -I can't lose you now.
Answer me, please. Tell me what's going on.
This is still my home.
It went really badly, if you must know.
I'm bouncing with Cokeman now. You'll never see me again.
Chill out, Vonnie.
-I'll drop by once in a while. -Shut up!
Keep filling the bag, you little asshole.
You really thought I was an idiot. Is that it?
But don't you get that I've been one step ahead this whole time?
Come on, faster! Put everything in the bag.
And what's that other homo doing?
Are we gonna die?
-What are you doing? -No, this is for the bus!
-Put it back in the bag. -Okay.
There. Fill. Fill it up, fill. And fill!
And put some fucking rhythm into it. Hurry up.
There! There, that's good.
On the right side. The right! There!
And put the bag on the table. Hurry up.
I said, hurry the fuck up.
Gross.
What is it?
What's your problem?
Good thing you're a good lay. Honestly, I don't know how I would've kept it up.
You really mean it?
That you were my bitch? Didoo…
Of course, I mean it, Didoo baby.
Go ahead, baby.
Get the tape and tie them up in the bedroom.
What do you mean, "baby"?
I'm "baby."
-"I'm 'baby.'" That's right! -You're "baby"?
That's right, buddy. Yeah, she's my baby.
I'm a fucking dyke, bro.
Come on.
Were you in on it, too?
You little tease.
-What's this? -That's for my bike.
Yeah? Where's it parked?
Right in front of the door. You can't miss it.
Baby? You feel like going on a bike ride?
I'm not really into bikes.
-Me neither. -Don't worry.
It's easy to drive. I don't even have a license.
-All right, let's go. -Yes!
-You called the cops? -Yes, darling, they're on their way.
-Get the bag. -Yes, right away.
Well…
-See you, losers. -See you, ladies.
-Go on, move. -Yeah, sorry.
-Hold this for me. -Yes, sorry.
You don't have to be so rude.
I actually really dug her, that Yvonne.
She was faking it from the start, bro.
She really pulled one over me.
A real pro…
Don't cry, bro.
You'll finally live your dream.
Because now, we're going straight to the Jailscape game, you son of a bitch.
All right, stroll's over.
-Let me finish. -It's over.
Fuck… Don't be so draconian!
Easy!
Cokeman! Help me, things are really tough, bro.
How the fuck did you get all this? You've been snitching?
Of course, but not just that!
-Check out the Jacuzzi! -Explain. How?
I'm getting rammed by the entire prison, bro!
My ass is now Route 66!
You're really a soulless son of a bitch!
Holy shit, there's Micka. Let him through.
My little depressed SS!
Always there to get some, right?
It'll fit. Put on the handcuffs and wait on the bed.
Don't give me that look! My dick is your Xanax.
Damn, you're ugly when you smile.
-Francis? -Yeah.
-Still okay for Thursday? -No worries. What do you need this time?
Just bring your cute face so I can defile it.
Let's go!
-Remove this stink bomb. -Who you calling a stink bomb?
-Take a shower. -Move.
-You stink, bro! -Move.
You're not undressed yet. You'll pay for it.
Did you work out?
No, because of the riots.
-What do you mean? -No time!
Make a bird sound.
Fuck! What the hell is that bird?
You bastard!
All right, Francis, tell me, what's your gig?
69 or doggy style?
That flat ass? No. Thanks. Get in there.
Come on, let me please you! Not asking much, just a PlayStation 2!
Get in there, I say!
No!
Francis, stop!
Francis! Francis, please!
I could even blow you for a Game Boy!
Cokeman!
Subtitle translation by: Audrey Boulanger