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- [Announcer] In 1914 it became official.
President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation
designated Mother's Day a national holiday.
Mothers cheer across the country as they'll be honored
every year on the second Sunday of May.
Finally, the respect they deserve.
Mothers love to dress up and prance around
in their favorite hats.
She can compete in the annual Mother's Day log roll.
Always a treat.
Send cards, flowers, treats, and candy to mom.
Children show their love by serving her breakfast in bed.
Don't worry about the dirty dishes kids,
mom can always wash them tomorrow.
Why not have a barbecue?
Let mom get outdoors for a change.
Why make her cook over a hot stove
when she could cook over a hot grill instead.
Moms give the love that only mothers can give.
They hold you in their arms and make you feel safe.
Say a prayer for your mothers welfare on this special day.
Remember, a mother is the best thing
to celebrate on Mother's Day.
(jazzy music)
♪ M is for the many things she gave me ♪
♪ O means only that she's growin' old ♪
♪ T is for the tears she shed to save me ♪
♪ H is for her heart that's pure as gold ♪
♪ E is for her eyes with love light shining ♪
♪ R means right, right she'll always be ♪
♪ Put them all together they spell mother ♪
♪ That's the word that means the world ♪
♪ The word that means the world ♪
♪ The word that means the world to me ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
(cake whistles) (cake thunks)
(jazzy music)
- I think we should check places in Dumbo.
- Forget it, I don't wanna live in an area
named after a flying baby elephant.
(Sarah sighs)
Besides, I loved that apartment in Tribeca.
Remember, with the elongated toilets?
- Oh my God, will you stop with the elongated toilets.
What is the big deal.
- You just said it, big. They're bigger.
More comfortable. Have you ever tried one?
- I don't know, it's not something I've thought,
I guess not, no.
- Well don't knock it till you try it.
Your ass will thank you.
- Hey, leave my ass out of this (laughs).
The other thing is that apartment is way over our budget.
- Come on, not that much.
Plus the kitchen had fantastic granite countertops
and all stainless steel appliances.
- James, you have to stop watching House Hunters.
Please listen to me.
Oh no!
- What? Who is it?
- Uh, nobody, I just remembered I left something at work.
What?
Ah, A report! I have to go get it let's,let's go.
You know what?
It could wait.
Sarah, what's with you, who is that? -
Nobody. Who, what do you mean?
- Come on, Sarah, you keep looking over at that woman,
do you know her?
- No, no, just sit like that and don't move.
- Don't turn around!
- Sarah, who is it?
- All right, I'll tell you.
It's my mother.
- Wait a minute, you told me your mother was dead.
I know. I might've stretched the truth a little.
- A little?
So whose grave have we been visiting?
- Oh my God, is that you? Sarah?
- Oh, God help me.
- Hi honey!
Oh, Dimp, get over here, you're never gonna believe this.
This is my daughter, Sarah.
- Hi.
- (laughs) Oh.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Are you kidding? Is this a joke?
- Oh, and this is my fiance, Dimpy.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
James, this is my mother, Theresa.
- Mother Theresa.
- Oh yeah, I know, it's fine, just call me Totie.
- This is my fiance James.
- Nice to meet you, Dimpy.
- Oh, nice to meet you Jimbo.
You know, my real name is John, but once I lost my eye
everyone started calling me Dimpy.
- Dimpy?
- Yeah, you know, 'cause you lost my eye.
- I don't- - yeah, you don't get it,
right? A lot of people don't. Yo, are those chocolate chip?
- Okay, you know what honey, - There's nothing to get.
can you go get us some chairs, Dim?
- What does your name-
- Hey Jim, why don't you go get 'em.
You're up.
- Okay, oh, thank you. So sweet.
- Mom, what are you doing here?
- Well, can't you tell?
We saw The Killers last night at The Garden.
What a show.
Dimpy got wasted.
- Killers! I'm the man!
- No, you're not, sit down, eat your cookie.
Do you guys like The Killers?
(sighs) You know what? You're never gonna believe this
but I was gonna call you today.
- Really? - Yeah.
- After four years you were gonna call me today.
- Yeah, better late than never, right?
- Sometimes never is better.
- What? - Hmm? Nothing.
Last I heard you were living in Amsterdam?
- Oh, yeah, we had to get out of there.
Too easy to get high.
And you know, I gotta be careful now.
In case you didn't notice I got one in the oven.
(Theresa and Dimpy laugh)
And with this new baby I'm gonna do things right this time.
Oh, no offense, sweetie.
- Oh, with you Mom I'm way past being offended.
- We know it's gonna be a boy
so we're gonna name it Stalin, mm-hmm.
- You mean like Joseph Stalin?
- Yeah, I guess so. I seen it on the History Channel.
He was like the head of Russia or something.
- He's known as one
of the most murderous dictators in history.
- Yeah, whatever, but you gotta admit it's a cool name.
- Mom, don't you think maybe you're a little old
for a new baby? No offense, mommy dearest.
- Oh honey, don't you worry, this is it, right?
I mean we're gonna do safe sex now, right Dimp?
- Oh yeah, that's it.
We were down at the Greenwich Village yesterday
and we went to a place called Condomaniacs.
They got all kinds of condoms there.
Glow in the dark, edible ones, all kinds of colors.
I put a green one on, I said "Come on baby,
"you're gonna do the big Hulk tonight." (laughs)
- It's more like doin' the medium sized Hulk, honey.
- Oh, come on, come one, you loved it.
You know, your mother, she is crazy in bed.
When she has an orgasm she whistles
just like this. (whistling)
- Okay, that's a little too much information.
- I think it's great. You know. She's like a tea kettle.
I know when she's done.
(Theresa and Dimpy laugh)
So what's up with you guys?
- We are looking for a new apartment.
- Oh, new digs! Fantastic!
- Yes, it is. We found this really nice place in Tribeca.
Bedroom's a good size. I'd like to paint it tan.
Sort of wheat color.
Sarah wants more of a putty or a sand tone
but I just think wheat is such a calming color.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- For what?
- I was constipated but now
you're boring the shit out of me.
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding. (laughs)
- [Theresa] (laughing) He's so funny!
- Oh come on. No, but seriously I do have to go.
- Okay. - So pardon me,
I gotta go drop a friend and drain the lizard.
- (laughs) He's hilarious.
Do they have a waiter?
You know what, I'm just gonna go grab a coffee okay?
I'll be right back kids.
- This is a joke, right?
This is your idea of a practical joke.
Okay, ha, ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Now can you just pay them or whatever and make them leave.
- No joke.
- I refuse to believe that that's your mother.
- I've been trying to do that for years
but unfortunately it's true.
- What happened?
She's like Roseanne Barr's obnoxious sister.
- I don't know, okay?
All I can tell you is growing up was hell.
I was embarrassed all the time.
At my high school graduation she went streaking
through the crowd with one of her many friends.
I mean, thank God I went away to college.
But we only saw each other on holidays
and after awhile we just kinda lost touch.
I mean this is the first I've seen here in years.
- Wow.
- What a relief, that's much better.
So...
- Excuse me, I have to make an important phone call.
- What call?
- Um...To the vet about the dog.
- What dog?
- Didn't I tell you? I got us a dog.
- Oh, what's his name?
- Um, Justin.
- Oh, like Justin Bieber?
- Exactly, I'm a big fan.
- Really? Huh, that's a little weird.
- So is Sarah. I did it mostly for her.
- Oh that's sweet I guess.
- I'll be right back.
- James. James?
So when are you due?
- [Theresa] About two months.
- Mm, you getting by all right?
- Great!
- I mean you and Dimpy, are you getting by okay?
- Oh, I'm getting disability and Dimpy he's doing great too.
He fixes up cars and sells them on eBay.
- Oh, that's exciting!
- Yeah, and now we're moving out to Las Vegas.
He has a son that works out there as a dealer.
He's gonna put us up for a little while.
And he hooked us up with this casino school
so we're gonna learn how to be dealers too.
There's mega moolah in that. (laughs)
But how are you doing?
- Fine.
- Well, you know your guy, he seems nice, Justin?
- No mom, that's the dog's name.
- Oh, well, you know what I say, all men are dogs. (laughs)
Speaking of dogs, how's your father?
Have you heard from him?
- He died two years ago.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
- That's okay, how could you know?
You were too busy getting high in Amsterdam.
- Oh now, Sarah-
- No, you know what, sorry I brought it up.
When do you leave for Vegas?
- Monday!
You know honey it's a long trip
and we're just a little short on cash.
- How much?
- Now you know this is just a loan.
- How much?
- I don't know, I mean what do you think?
I mean how much do you think-
- I've got $150.
- Do you maybe have your checkbook on you?
- No mom, that's what I have.
- Okay, okay, no this is great, thanks!
Okay, and you know what, as soon as I get to Vegas
You know, I'm gonna wire the money to you.
- Sure, sure, okay.
- Okay, and oh, you know, after we get settled in there
maybe you and, and...
- James?
- Yeah. You and James, you guys should come out
and you know, for a visit, you know?
I mean...Maybe around Christmas time?
- Sure, that'd be great. Who needs a white Christmas?
- Exactly. (laughs)
And you know, I'm also glad I ran into you today
because tomorrow, as you know, is...
- Sunday?
- (laughs) Very funny. It's Mother's Day, all right?
And well, I'm gonna go visit your grandmother
and I think that it'd be nice
if you and your fella came along.
- Oh, I don't really know about that.
- Oh, come on, your grandma would love to see you.
- I don't know if your boyfriend's okay.
I found him sleeping on the floor in the men's room.
I got him up, he's washing his face, he seems all right,
but I'm not so sure.
- Did you pass out again?
- Again?
- Oh yeah, he's got low blood pressure or something.
Sometimes he'll go down anywhere.
- Hey, I didn't pass out.
I got sleepy so I decided to lay down.
- And nothing's more comfortable
than a nice dirty men's room floor?
- Hey, I like to sleep and any place will do.
You know, sleep is like death without the side effects.
- What does that mean?
- If you don't know I can't explain.
I love that soap from the bathroom.
Smell my hand. - No.
- Mm, everything smells good on me, go ahead smell.
- Stay away from me!
- Whoa, take it easy.
- Okay, you know what we gotta get packing
so we can get ready to go but listen,
it was nice to meet you...
- James.
- Right. Okay, don't forget.
You ask him, I'm sure he'll agree it's a good idea.
- Ask me what?
- Nothing.
- It's a Mother's Day surprise.
Sarah will tell you all about it.
- I've had enough surprises.
It's more than surprise, it's shocking.
- James, calm down, we'll talk about it later.
- Okay, you talk about it but we'll expect you.
Okay, we're gonna see you later, take care.
- All right, yeah, see ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya.
- Yes, you would.
I don't like that word expect. What do they expect?
- (sighs) She wants us to go to my grandmother's tomorrow
to have a double Mother's Day celebration.
- No!
I cannot, that's a big expect, too much.
- James, I have no intentions of going.
Do you think I want to go?
- I mean do you? No, why would you?
- James stop. We're not going so just forget about it.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Maybe we should.
- Did you say maybe we should?
- Yeah. Look, I gotta meet all your family sooner or later.
Why not get it over with?
Ooh, that didn't sound right.
- That's okay, believe me, I understand.
(muted Latin music)
- Is your grandmother Spanish?
- No, why?
- Well it's the music.
- James, are you absolutely sure you wanna do this?
- No. Maybe.
No.
Sure. Look, we're getting married, I need to meet them.
Let's do it.
- Oh, you must be a masochist.
If you thought my mother was bad that was just a taste.
Prepare yourself.
If you still wanna marry me after this
I will know it's true love.
- If you're trying to talk me out of this it's working.
(door knocks)
- [Dorothy] It's open, come on in.
(door handle rattles)
- I can't open it, I think it's locked.
- [Dorothy] No, it's not.
Try harder, it's never locked.
- Let me try.
(doorknob rattling) (door thumping)
- [Dorothy] Come in already!
What the frick is wrong with you?
- I am sorry, we're trying, I really think it's locked.
- Oh it's probably stuck, it's not locked.
- Oh, it's locked. Damn, who locked this door?
- Hi grandma. Happy Mother's Day.
- Who the hell are you?
- Okay, wrong house, let's go.
- Very funny grandma.
It's Sarah, your granddaughter?
- Really, I wouldn't know.
I forgot what she looks like.
I haven't seen her for years.
- Don't exaggerate, I'm sorry.
- Did your mother tell you to come by?
- Oh she- I spoke to her
the other day, she told me she bumped into you.
(laughs) Now that's one I really haven't seen in years.
- I know.
- Who's this?
- Oh, sorry!
- Stop saying sorry.
- What? Oh right,sor...um,this is my fiance, James.
- Some fiance, he couldn't even open the door.
- It was locked.
- It was stuck.
- You said-
- Nevermind, who are these for?
- Mom.
- How come they're bigger?
- Just a different kind of flower, they grow a little big.
- I'll take these.
Well don't just stand there.
(Latin music continues)
- Where is everybody?
- Lenny and Donny are working, they'll be back
in a little while.
Your mother'll be here later to bring the cake.
- Oh!
- So this is the fiance.
- Yes, I met-
- Hold it, I wanna shut the TV.
I started getting into that Telemundo stuff.
I don't know why, I can't understand a word they're saying.
But I'm crazy about the music.
And the women, they are just fantastic looking.
You like 'em, huh?
Well it's (laughs)-
- It's okay, even though you're getting married
you can look, just don't touch.
- Okay. - Grandma, stop.
- Do you have a job?
- Yes I work- - I don't care where.
As long as you have a job.
You want something to drink?
- Sure.
- Would you like Tang?
- I'm not sure what that is.
- What are you, un-American?
That's the drink of the astronauts! We love it!
Well, Totie'll be by with something else soon.
- Is the cake here?
- Oh no, not yet, but your niece is.
- Holy jump up and sit down.
Look who it is?
We're gonna have a regular reunion.
First Totie comes by who I haven't seen in years
and now little Sarah.
- Yeah, it's been awhile.
I'm sorry, I mean, I apologize for that.
How are you?
- Where's the cake?
- Calm down, Totie'll be here soon.
- Uncle Lenny, this is my fiance, James.
- Hey James, how they hangin'?
- Very well, thank you, how are yours.
I mean, how are you?
- Great, couldn't be better.
- Really, I wish I could say that.
- Uncle Donny, James.
- Well the prodigal niece has returned.
- Hello James the fiance.
"James the Fiance" that would make a good title.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey Sarah, guess where we're workin'?
- A comic book store?
- We're playing super heroes on Times Square.
- Oh! Oh, I didn't recognize your costume.
Well, check this out.
(epic music) I'm Mesh Man!
And I'm That Man.
- You mean Batman.
(deflated music)
- They were all out of Batman costumes
so I got That Man.
What is That Man?
That Man is like Batman, only it's That Man.
- What does that mean?
- It's like- - Forget it Donny,
he doesn't understand, he doesn't get it.
- Wait a minute.
- I wanted to be Spider Man
but this is the closest they had.
- Donny wanted Batman.
But I don't know how you call Batman a superhero,
he has no superpowers.
Spider Man would kick his ass.
- Batman is rich, smarter, and better looking.
- He's all about the gadgets.
- I'm not gonna debate with someone who's just wrong.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling weak
and I must retire and do more preparation.
- Are you okay?
- Totie's bringing cake and he can't have none.
- Don't mention that.
- He has to get a pipe up his butt tomorrow
so he can't eat anything.
- A pipe?
- I'm going for a colonoscopy and I'm supposed to fast
a whole day before.
I can't eat anything.
I had to lie down in the hallway and give myself an enema.
Sort of clean house.
- Wait, why the hallway?
- Bed was too soft.
I couldn't get the right angle, you know?
So I had to get a hard surface.
- Okay, that's a little too much information.
- Well, she asked.
And I have to drink this lemon laxative mix,
it's thick like oil.
I have to drink a gallon of it.
- Ask him where he's getting it done.
- Trenton.
- Isn't that insane?
- Why all the way down there?
- He has a friend who's a doctor
and he's giving it to him for his birthday present.
- You're getting a colonoscopy as a birthday gift?
- Well he said I'm at that certain age
I should have one done.
So he's giving me one as a gift.
And then after the procedure he'd treating me to dinner.
- First he cleans him out, then he fills him up.
- And you don't think that's an unusual gift?
- Not at all. He's thinking about my health
and it's the thought that counts
so I think his heart is in the right place.
- I think there's something wrong with the guy.
- He's a good doctor.
- Tell 'em what he did last exam.
- Don't, no, no.
- While he was checking his butt
he started combing Donny's hair. That can't be right!
- He said it was part, He said it was part of the procedure.
You know. To keep me calm.
It makes sense doesn't it?
- Oh yeah, sure.
- Knock it off, come sit down.
Totie'll be here soon with the cake.
(whimsical music)
- So grandma, how are you doing?
I mean without grandpa.
- She's great. We buried him in the backyard.
- What?
- Yeah, come on, look.
See the big "Daddy" sign out there?
That's where we put him.
- Is that even legal?
- This is America, everything's legal.
- No it's not.
- If you have enough money and know the right people it is.
- I thought you had him cremated.
- We did, we kept him in a mayonnaise jar for awhile
on the shelf till mom said bury him in the yard.
- I was sick of him hanging around when he was alive.
Why would I want him around when he's dead?
- I think he's happier out there.
You know with the fresh air, the birds and everything.
Still, I wish he was here (sobs).
Anyway, enough of that, this is a celebration.
It's Mother's Day so let's celebrate!
Jim, you ever had any homemade vodka?
- I don't think so.
- Well come on in the kitchen, we'll fix you up.
- Ooh, I don't know if that's a good idea.
James isn't much of a drinker.
- Yeah, but this is pure stuff.
It's the elixir of the gods.
Come on!
- Okay, I guess so.
- Hey Donny! Get out here, we're gonna hit the hooch!
- Aren't you supposed to fast, like not have anything?
- The doctor said just liquids.
I'll put a few shots in here,
I'll make a colosto cocktail.
- You're gonna drink vodka in your pajamas?
- They're not pajamas, it's lounge wear.
I told you that, it's lounge wear.
- Whatever, whatever.
Mom, quick, cover your ears. (loud sneeze)
- Oh my God, what was that?
- Believe it or not that was a sneeze.
It terrifies the life out of grandma
so she said he has to warn everybody ahead of time.
- Well it didn't work, you scared me half to death.
Next time just say you're going to sneeze.
(guitar twangs) - Vodka time!
- All right!
- Careful.
- Okay, before we start I have to ask you a question.
Who do you like better, Mickey Mouse or Jesus?
(bass twangs)
- I like them both.
- That's the right answer. Now we can drink.
(bottle thunks)
- Whoa, that's a heavy duty bottle.
- This is steel, baby. We have to use it.
This is potent stuff. Here you go.
This'll put hair on your chest.
Second shot, turn 'em gray.
To Sarah and James the happy couple.
(bass twangs)
- Oh, mommy, help me.
- Good, huh? - You feel the burn?
This is the fuel for the fire in all of us.
Finish it. (bass twangs)
- Ooh.
- I just hope he'll be okay,
he's not used to drinking vodka.
(door knocks)
- Come on in, it's open. (door creaks)
- Dorth, guess what?
My grandson Timmy just got a deer at 13 years old
and he shot his first deer!
- That's great.
You know what else is shot? My liver.
- What?
- My liver, I only have 10% of it working, I'm dying.
- Is that true?
- Sarah honey, hi, how are you? Come give me a hug. (squeals)
- Hi Aunt Sunny.
Don't you think that's wrong teaching a kid
to kill an innocent animal?
- Well you gotta thin the heard.
- Yeah, but.
- Who's gonna do it? You?
They'll take over all the backyards in America.
If you don't kill 'em...
- Are you saying my granddaughter couldn't kill a deer?
- I don't want to kill a deer.
- Oh she's talking about an innocent animal.
- Well it is.
- She could kill a wolf or a bear if she wants to.
- Oh please.
- This is an insane conversation.
- And she's right, it is an innocent animal.
Your grandson killed Bambi.
- They're full of ticks, did you know that?
My daughter will never walk properly
because of a tick bite.
She has Lyme disease.
When did your daughter ever walk properly?
She's been a mess since birth.
She didn't get a tick bite.
You bit her.
- What?
- You heard me. - No, I didn't.
- What?
- You talk to low, I didn't hear you.
- I do not!
- Now I can hear you when you talk like that.
- That's the way I always talk.
- No it isn't.
- There's something wrong with your ears.
- Oh, I know, I have ear problems.
I can't hear so well.
Anyway, my daughter will never be the same
because of a deer and a tick bite.
She's not well.
- Forget about the tick bite, what about me?
I'm not well.
I have diabetes, I'm worried sick.
- What about my arthritis? I'm taking all kinds of pills.
Look at all of these prescriptions.
My doctor says it's starting in my little finger.
- Oh there's nothing wrong with your little finger.
And don't forget, they had to rush me to the hospital
last month because my heart stopped and they don't know why!
I have low blood potassium.
I have to eat 16 bananas a day
just to keep my potassium levels normal.
- No you don't, you take tablets.
- Tablets don't work. 16 a day!
Ask the doctor if you don't believe me.
- You're lucky you don't have IBS.
- PBS? I don't even have cable!
- Not PBS.
- Hey Aunt Sunny, how come these say Olga on here?
- Oh, that's my real name.
I never really liked it,
it didn't suit my bright and cheery disposition
so I renamed myself Sunny.
- You're kidding, right?
- And don't forget about my husband, Fred.
I have to take him everywhere now
because he can't drive anymore.
Be thankful you have a husband.
My husband is dead.
- Oh, I know he's dead, don't rub that in my face.
All your complaining probably killed him.
- Hey, Aunt Sunny, take it easy.
- Get out! How dare you say that to me?
- It's a joke, I'm joking!
- Get out!
- Sarah, tell her I'm joking.
- Get out before I smash your face in.
- I'm going, I'm going. (whimsical music)
I'm late for my hairdresser appointment anyway.
Bye Sarah.
- And don't you dare come back
in this house again until you apologize.
Ooh, she drives me crazy! (sobs)
- Don't let her get to you, are you all right
with your liver and diabetes?
- Huh?
Oh yeah (laughs).
I just make that stuff up to aggravate her.
Oh she drives me crazy.
- Just try and stay calm.
- You know, we're the only animals
that drink other animals milk.
Think about that.
- I don't want to.
- Hey Jim, can I ask you something about underwear?
- Yeah.
- What kind do you wear?
- Boxers.
- Cotton? - Yeah.
- Do you like them 50% polyester and 50% cotton?
- No.
- I don't think I do either.
It's confusing buying underwear.
Some are 50/50, some are 60/40.
It's hard to find all cotton.
- I feel your pain.
Life can be extremely tricky sometimes.
- Ever see those boxer jockey?
They're kinda half boxer, half jockey.
Kind of tight, but not so.
You mind if I show you my underwear?
- Yes, I do.
- I wanna see what you think.
- You got apes on your underwear.
- I love apes.
And fact I'm a big "Planet of the Apes" fan.
- Wear did you get those?
- I don't know, mom bought 'em.
She said I should start wearing boxers.
Said it's healthier for my package.
What do you think of these?
- Yeah, they're good.
However what makes 'em great is
you got apes on your underwear.
"Planet of the Apes" is one of my favorite movies.
I'd like to get myself a pair of those.
- Hey Donny, did you hear what he said? "However".
- It's funny. Who says "however"?
- These are nice.
However they're a little too long and boxy.
- However some are more short.
And however, not so boxy.
- Okay, enough with the however.
- I wonder if you could do me a favor.
Totie was supposed to take me shopping
for a pantsuit (laughs), God knows where she is.
Would you mind running me over?
- Oh, yeah, I guess so, just let me go get James.
- Oh let them be.
He's having such a good time with my boys.
Male bonding I guess they call it.
- I guess so.
- (laughs) Sounds gay to me.
- Okay. (bass twangs)
I'm just gonna to tell him we're leaving.
- Wow that feels nice, is that nice, is that silk?
- What the hell, what is going on in here?
- Look, I'm turning gray.
- Nevermind that, why is Uncle Lenny without pants
and why are you touching his underwear?
- He's showing me his apes boxers.
Pretty cool, right? I love the "Planet of the Apes".
Honey, can you get me a pair of these?
- Stop touching him! Are you okay?
- Couldn't be better.
- Yeah, I doubt that.
Look, I'm going to the store with grandma,
we'll be back soon.
- Have fun.
(hisses) Attention shoppers, I'm drinking vodka (hisses).
- James are you absolutely sure you're going to be okay?
You're not used to drinking hard liquor.
- This is different. It's homemade.
It's pure nectar. From the potato gods.
- So I heard.
Donny, are you sure you should be drinking this
before your colonoscopy?
- It's okay. It makes the lemon laxative stuff taste great.
Also, it might clean me out a little faster.
I may have a little trouble controlling my sphincter muscle
so just in case I'm wearing adult diapers.
- Are you serious?
- Wanna see?
- No, God! No, stop!
Why do you have to share this information with me?
- You asked.
- James, are you sure you're going to be okay.
- I'm dandy.
(descending bass notes)
- I shouldn't leave him alone,
I've got a bad feeling about this.
- He'll be fine.
Come one, get me to the store before it closes.
(whimsical music)
- Hey Jim, you hungry? You want some forever stew?
- [James] What's that?
- It's a pot of stew that's never empty.
First we eat some, then we add some ingredients
and put it back in the refrigerator
and then we take it the next day
and add more ingredients every day.
- That can't be sanitary.
- Who cares? It never goes away.
Besides, doctors say once in awhile
a little E. Coli is good for you.
- I don't think that's true.
- (lips smack) Mm. That's good eatin'.
Watch this, I used to be a juggler.
- Show him, Donny.
Whoa!
- Oh. (spoon clacks)
- Thanks.
- No problem.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- What?
- You said, "No problem," could there have been a problem?
- No, I gave you the spoon, it's a figure of speech.
- No, you said,'cause you said, "No problem," which leads me
to believe that maybe there have been problems in the past.
- Nah, dude, never.
- Don't you disrespect me for who I am
or who I might be.
- I would never do that.
I just pick up spoons sometimes.
- (laughing) Relax man, we're just messing with you.
Yo, relax, what's wrong?
- I'm a negaholic.
- What's that?
- I'm addicted to being negative.
- Cheer up, it's a beautiful day.
We're sitting around having some drinks.
- Yeah, but it's supposed to rain later
and I just washed my car.
- Shut up and drink.
- Oh. (men sighing)
- Lenny, it's time for the vodka dance.
Show him how it's done.
♪ Vodka, vodka, vodka ♪
♪ The vodka goes in ♪
♪ The vodka goes out ♪
♪ The vodka goes in ♪
♪ The vodka goes out ♪
♪ The vodka goes in ♪
♪ The vodka goes- ♪
- Wait, hey, wait a minute, what's the beat box?
What is that?
- Pft.
- The vodka go, come on, vodka, vodka, vodka.
- The vodka goes in.
- The vodka goes out. - Vodka, vodka, vodka!
- Vodka. All right. - The vodka goes...
(mellow music)
- I like this.
- Good, okay, why don't you try it on in the dressing room.
I think they're right there.
- Oh that's okay, I'll just slip it on right here.
- What, no, not here, in the dressing room.
- Why, what's the difference?
- You can't just do a strip tease right here
in the middle of the store.
- Nobody's gonna care about an old woman
taking off her clothes. (laughs)
Unless they're some kind of pervert.
- Okay.
- Oh come on, give me your hand so I don't fall on my face.
- Since you're such a big "Planet of the Apes" fan
I wonder if you've ever seen one of these?
- Oh, what's that?
- Check this out.
All the "Planet of the Apes" movies right here.
- You keep them in his head?
How great is that?
- Yeah.
- Do you have the one that Tim Burton directed?
- No. Don't ever mention that movie again.
- Okay.
- If you do, we'll have to hurt you
and then you'll have to leave, understand?
- Okay.
- We're serious. You understand?
Capiche?
- Yes! - Verstehen?
- Okay. Okay.
What about "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"?
- Oh that's great.
- We love that one, fantastic. - Fantastic.
(bass twanging)
- Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
Excuse me, ma'am? You cannot undress here.
You have to change in the dressing room.
- Don't tell me what to do, I'll whack you in the face.
- What?
- You heard me.
- Don't talk to me like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry, how about take a hike, girl!
Is that all right? Is that better?
- Okay, you know what?
I don't get paid enough for this.
I'm gonna get the owner of the store.
- Oh, the owner, oh, I'm afraid.
- Grandma, stop.
- Do I have to whack you too to get you-
- All right, all right, what seems to be the problem ma'am?
- I don't have a problem.
She has the problem. - Don't touch me.
- All right, all right, that's enough.
You can't touch her like that, ma'am,
and you can't stand around with no clothes on in my store.
- Why, am I turning you on?
- Oh please, you're just being vulgar now ma'am.
- You want vulgar? Look in a mirror.
- Okay, all right, that's it.
Police station's two blocks away
don't make me call.
- When I say run, run.
- What, no, just put your pants on and we'll leave.
- Nobody tells me what to do.
- Ma'am, ma'am, please just go.
We'll forget the whole thing.
- Ow! You hurt my arm.
You should be ashamed of yourself
picking on a little old lady.
- Ow! Jeez! - Run!
- Oh no. I'm sorry, I just-
- Allright, alright! That's it. Sheila, Sheila call...call the police.
- No, no, no, no don't. Oh my God.
- What are you in training for, the Olympics?
- Hurry up, they'll be coming out any second.
Oh my God, how did this happen?
Where are they? God, God, God, I can't go to jail!
- Nobody's going to jail. (laughs)
(car alarm beeps)
- Get in! Get in!
- It's locked.
- Oh my God, what's wrong with you, stupid old woman?
- Get in the car! - It's locked!
It's unlocked!
(sighs) Oh my God.
- What's wrong with you, girl?
Is this some kinda payback?
- Why can't I do this? Oh my God.
Do you think they're gonna send the cops after us?
They're probably getting my license plate number
as we speak, oh my God, we have to get outta here!
- Nothings gonna happen.
(Sarah grunts)
Here, have LifeSaver.
It'll calm you down.
- Calm me down? Are they laced with Xanax?
If not I don't think they're going to help.
- They're called LifeSavers.
- (laughing) Oh my God.
- What did we do wrong?
We ran out of a store. We didn't take anything.
The owner'll be glad we're gone.
He'll...eh...he'll be happy.
He'll forget all about it.
Now can we go home?
- Okay.
(mellow music)
- Better?
- Yes.
- They're called LifeSavers.
(chaotic bass music and drums)
- Stand back or I'll kill this gorilla!
- Please don't! He's my husband!
- Okay, okay, calm down.
- You tell your ape boss I want 50,000 in cash.
- He won't go for that.
- Then you're gonna have one very dead monkey
on your hands. (growls)
(record scratching) - Hey, take it easy!
I keep the DVDs in there!
- Oh, sorry. (knife thunks)
(whimsical music)
- Do you think Totie will be back at the house?
- I don't know.
I just hope the cops won't be there when we get back.
- What? You said, I thought-
- (laughs) Oh, calm down. I'm just messin' with you.
(Sarah sighs)
Where's your sense of humor?
- Gone. I left it at the parking lot.
I'm all outta humor, don't do that to me.
- Okay, okay.
(whimsical music)
Where is everybody?
(James screaming) (water spraying)
- [James] Oh God! (screaming)
Oh God! Oh God, it's insanity!
- Oh my God!
- Oh God! - What are you doing to him?
- It's insanity!
(water spraying) What have you done to the world?
You left up only the monuments!
What a weird choice!
- More disgusting humans! - Get her!
- Don't you dare!
I will grab that hose
and give you that colonoscopy right now.
(bass twangs) - The humans are taking over!
Run! Run, run! (screaming)
- Oh my God. James, are you okay?
- Are you Nova?
- What? Oh my God, you reek.
- Nova, you came to rescue me?
- Oh my God, nevermind that.
We have to get you inside before the neighbors complain.
- Yes, yes, and before those damned dirty apes come back.
Aah!
- Why are you wearing Uncle Lenny's underwear?
(whimsical music)
(grandma sighs)
- Hi Sarah, who's this? One of your boyfriends?
- Hi Aunt Sunny.
- Is he okay, was there an accident?
He doesn't look so well.
- He's fine, just had a little too much to drink.
- I love you, Nova.
- Who's Nova?
- Mm, his mother, it's a long story.
Look, I have to get him to bed, 'kay?
- Dorothy, I brought you some of the deer meat
my grandson killed the other day.
Is it ever fresh and tender!
- Chew your own meat and choke on it.
- Aw, Dorothy, I brought this for you.
I know how much you like it.
- I told you not to come hear anymore.
Sarah! Just tell her to get out!
- You tell her, can't you see I have bigger problems?
- That's right Sarah, just run away just like your mother!
- What are you picking on her for?
- She's my granddaughter.
I can pick on her if I want to.
- That doesn't give you the right.
- Yes it does, you just take your animal flesh
and get out of my house!
- You're my Nova and you saved me from those savage apes.
In the movie Taylor saves Nova, but you saved me
and you're my Nova.
- Okay, stop saying Nova.
(hand slaps) Snap out of it!
- Now you're my Cher (laughs) and I'm Nicholas Cage.
- Lie down and pass out, please.
Oh God, why do you have to wear these stupid shoes?
- Could you have worn loafers? Something?
- You're my Nova.
- I thought I was Cher.
- That's right, Cher.
- (grunts) Okay.
(James laughs)
Come on, stupid shoe!
- You can do it, you're my Nova!
Nova, Nova, Nova, No-
(Sarah grunts)
I knew you could do it.
You're my Nova and my Cher. Boop.
- Right. Get some sleep.
- Sarah, get down here! She's killing me!
- Oh God, what now?
- [Sunny] You are such a pain in my neck!
- You crazy old- - You'll be so sorry-
- I don't care if - I'll pull every hair
- you're my sister, I'll pull- - outta your head!
I hate you!
- Stop it! What are you doing?
Cut it out, calm down, sit down grandma.
This is insane.
It's like a Jerry Springer show.
You're women in your 70s acting like children!
I'm embarrassed.
Two grown sisters going at each other like crazy wildcats.
- I'm only 59.
- That's not true!
Do you see, Sarah, how she lies?
- Nevermind that.
- Oh, get her out of here.
Get her out! Get her out of here!
- Okay, grandma, calm down,
you're going to have a heart attack.
Aunt Sunny, you have to go.
- I-
- No please don't say anything, just go.
- Sarah, we're sisters, we fight all the time.
That's what sisters do!
- Not normal sisters.
- Sarah!
- Just please go.
- All right, for you I will.
Dorothy, see you later.
- Like hell you will!
I'll shoot you like your grandson shot that deer.
- You gotta thin out the deer population.
- Let's thin out the asshole population
and let's start with you!
I'll kill her!
- You're not killing anybody!
Look at you, your blood pressure is probably sky high.
You look like a giant red beat.
Oh my God, I'm gonna get something to clean you up.
Just put your head back and try to rest.
- All right. I'll try to do that.
(gentle piano music) While I'm resting
why don't you visit your father?
- What'd you say?
I said pay your father a visit.
He could use a visitor and tell me how he is.
He fell last night in the bathroom
and he spent the whole night there.
- Is that true?
- I don't know, that's what one of the neighbors said.
- Oh, just go would you please?
- Okay.
- Oh, in the refrigerator I have a frozen lasagna.
Why don't you bring it to him.
God knows what he eats.
Just go please.
- Okay.
(whimsical music)
- Damn that Sunny. She disrupts every living thing.
(electronic music) (guns firing)
(door knocks)
- Ah, why can't they leave me alone.
(woman on TV screaming)
- Hey dad, how are you?
- You know, I haven't seen you in about a year.
- It's only been a few months.
- Yeah, whatever.
My point being you got great timing.
That was the most crucial part of the show.
- Nice to see you too.
What show is so important?
- "Night Rider".
- Are you serious? That show with David Hasselhoff?
- Otherwise known as the best thing on television.
- Listen-
- What time is it?
- I don't know, six?
- Let me know when it's 6:30.
Tony Bennett special is on.
- Oh wow, are you serious?
God, I love him.
You know, I think he's in his 90s.
He looks great for his age.
- It's all drugs.
- What?
- Well maybe not Tony, he's all natural,
but the rest all do tons of drugs.
You see, to be a singer or, or a movie star,
to be in that business you can't be normal.
They need to stay high.
All those people are on drugs.
They're not regular. They can't be.
- Speaking of not regular, how's your head?
- What are you talking about?
- Grandma said you fell and hit your head
on the toilet last night.
- Oh yeah, yeah, I forgot.
- How could you forget?
Grandma said you fell and were stuck there all night.
- Wrong. Just a few minutes.
I had a little trouble getting up.
- Well she said you couldn't get up.
- Grandma exaggerates things, you know that.
- Okay, are you okay? Did you get hurt?
- Yeah, I think I got a little bump.
- What happened?
- I don't know, I got up to flush
and then I slipped and fell.
You know what I need?
I need one of those automatic flushing toilets
like in a public bathroom.
You know, you take a dump and swoosh,
it goes right down.
No waiting, I don't have to reach it just flushes as you go.
- Beautiful. - Oh my God,
what is with you guys and your obsession with toilets?
- And maybe after, it squirts a nice burst of cologne.
- All right, that's enough. - Nah, I'm just sayin'-
- Nah I'm just sayin'- - It's not a bad idea.
- That's enough.
You know what you need?
- What's that?
- One of those medical alert necklaces
you wear around your neck-
- No, hey, hey, I know what they are. I know what they are.
No, I'm not wearing a necklace.
That's for little old ladies.
- It's not just for old ladies.
- I seen the commercial like everyone else.
The old broad screams "I've fallen, I can't get up!"
I say, "Stay down you pain in the ass!
"Who cares about you anyway?" (laughs)
- Why do have to get so nasty about a commercial?
- I'm not getting nasty. What I'm joking.
I'd help the old broad out push come to shove.
- All right, well listen, I brought you some lasagna.
- Who made it?
- Grandma.
- Ah, keep it, I'm not eating that.
- Why not?
- Because it tastes like fried armpits.
- All right, well you have to eat something.
- I eat.
I eat stuff that tastes like food.
- Listen, why don't you come
to the party today at grandma's?
- What's it her birthday or something?
- No it's Mother's Day.
Her birthday was like two months ago.
- Yeah, I thought it was kinda soon.
- How could you think it was-
- No, no, no, don't start.
- No, I'm just saying-
- No, no, woo, woo, don't start with me.
- All right, all right, calm down.
- And it's Mother's Day, not Grandma's Day.
What's she celebrating it for?
- She's a mother too.
- (laughs) Well it's one or the other.
I'd go to the Grandma Day party.
Is there such a thing?
- I don't know, look-
- Is it 6:30 yet?
- No.
- Why don't you stay and watch the concert with me?
Come on.
- No thanks.
I'm gonna put this in the freezer just in case.
- Just in case what?
I wanna poison somebody?
Here, have some lasagna. (groans)
- Hey, try and come to the party today.
It would mean a lot to grandma.
- Can I bring a date?
- Who?
Nevermind, sure why not.
- Huh, maybe I'll come. But don't count on me.
'Kay. Well, enjoy Tony.
Hope he gets his heart back.
- (laughs) What?
- In San Francisco?
- Ah. (laughs) Not funny.
- Uh-huh. (horn whomps)
(cheerful music)
Where is everybody?
- Totie's on her way
and the rest of them are sleeping it off.
So is he coming?
- Maybe, he's not sure.
- Oh, he's gotta get out more.
- Well, maybe it's better he doesn't come.
I told my mother he was dead.
- (laughs) Oh, then he has to come
so I could see the look on Totie's face.
Oh.
- Did Totie come with the cake yet?
- Calm down. Totie's on the way.
- Hot damn. I'm gonna take a quick shower.
- Oh, why don't you let me hose you down.
- Nah, that's all right.
Come on Sarah, we were just playing "Planet of the Apes".
Yeah, well now James is going to have an ape of a headache.
- Knock, knock! We're here!
- Well finally, at last!
- Aah, Happy Mother's Day ma!
Oh, you look great, mama, how you feelin'?
- Okay.
- Oh, Lenny, it's been awhile!
- I see you're still with him?
- Oh, how you doin' ma?
- Please tell me that's the cake.
- Yes, yes, that's the cake.
My God, you're like a crack addict for cake.
- Hallelujah, the cake is here!
Where have you been?
We've been waiting for you all day.
- Well I'm sorry, I lost track of time.
- You always lose track of time.
Why don't you wear a watch?
- They don't work!
I got too much electricity in my body.
It makes the watch run backwards.
I think because I ate too many pickles as a kid.
- More like you dropped too much acid as a teen.
- Happy Mother's Day, ma. From both of us.
- Don't call me ma.
What kinda cake is that?
- Delicious, that's what kind.
- It says, "Happy Mother's Day, Totie".
What about me?
- Right there, right there, see?
- Why isn't it written out nice like hers?
- No, they...they screwed up at the bakery.
They forgot to put your name on it.
- I think you screwed up, you forgot to tell them.
- No, it wasn't like that!
We noticed it in the car, all right?
So I made a little note.
Look, I used a pink sharpie. Cute, huh?
Here, keep it as a remembrance.
- I'm touched. I'll save it for future reference.
- All right, I wanna sit down.
Take a seat, have a little breather. Hoo.
- Holy moly, how many babies have you got in there?
You're gigantic?
- Okay ma, come on, you know this isn't easy for me.
- Hey, we found out what it's gonna be.
- Let me guess. A baby rhino.
- Oh, okay ma, now that's enough.
All right, like we're havin' a boy.
- I'm really happy for you. (lips smack)
- I can't wait to smell it's head.
- What?
- A baby's head has the most wonderful freshest smell.
- That's sick.
- No it's not, it's perfectly natural.
And addictive, it's like a drug.
I heard about this woman at a childcare center,
she got arrested for begging mothers
to smell their babies' heads.
- 'Kay, honey, that's enough about the babies' heads.
You're upsetting everyone.
(horn whomping)
(chaotic music)
(James grunts)
(water rushing)
(bottles rattling)
(alarming electronic tones)
(James screams) (horn whomping)
- Oh Mother of God, help us.
(footsteps approaching) - What was that?
- I think dad's ghost is haunting us.
Dad, I'm sorry. I'll bring you back in the house.
- Wow, you look like something out of a fetish porn video.
Not that I would know.
- How come everybody in this house is always getting naked?
Uncle Donny, please put some clothes on!
- Where' the vodka?
- What?
- Vodka, the vodka, I need the vodka.
(James gargles)
(James spits)
- Hey, that's precious stuff, you're wasting it!
- What is wrong with you?
- Fungal cream. (bass twangs)
- What?
- I brushed my teeth with anti-fungal cream.
- Oh, that must be mine. I had a condition.
That really fixed me up.
(James retching)
- Oh, my mouth tastes like the bottom of a bird cage.
I think I'm dying.
- Chill out, you're just hungover, that's all.
And you nearly cleared us out of vodka.
- Okay, you know what, Donny go put some clothes on.
I feel like I'm at a low budget Chippendale's.
- Yeah Donny, go put your jammies on.
- I told you it's lounge wear.
Lounge wear.
- Oh God, my head is killing me.
- Aw, come over hear sweetie.
We have the perfect cure, come on.
There you go, bring it in, all right.
We know just the cure.
(exotic meditation music)
Give me your hand.
Close your eyes, relax.
Imagine you're on the beach.
You can hear the waves crashing on the shore.
(waves whooshing) (Dimpy whooshing)
- He doesn't like the beach.
- And it's beautiful and peaceful.
And there's seagulls, they're soaring over the water.
(Dimpy squealing)
- He hates the beach.
Nope, doesn't like his head rubbed.
- And it's relaxing. And so peaceful.
(Dimpy squealing) (record scratches)
- You know what? It's not so peaceful.
What happened to your patch? You said you lost your eye.
- No, I lost the patch, nothing wrong with my eye.
- But you-
- I'm fine. I just thought it would be cool
to go to New York City and wear an eye patch.
- So you just lied about losing your eye?
- I didn't lie, I made it up.
- Same thing.
- (laughs) No, you just don't know the difference.
- That's absurd, there's no difference.
- James.
- But- - James, just let it be.
- Yeah Jimbo, take a lesson from the Beatles.
- What?
- Skip it. You don't get a lotta stuff, do you James?
- Can everyone stop talking?
Okay, you're ruining the moment.
- What moment? There is no moment.
There was never a moment.
(door knocks)
- [Dorothy] Come in, it's open!
- It's right in this way, step up.
It's kind of an old house. (horn whomps)
- Hey! The kid told me there was a party, so here I am.
Dorothy, Happy Mother's Day.
- If you didn't notice, that's for the wrong holiday.
Do you know what day it is?
Do you know what year it is?
- Yeah, see I meant to bring it on Valentine's Day
but I never made it.
But it's all still good.
And look, see, it's a heart!
See it means love.
- You guys never get it right.
- Oh, surprise, surprise, I guess it's double Mother's Day.
- You said he was dead. You lied to me!
- Oh, no, I didn't, I made it up.
Ask Dimpy, there's a difference.
- Oh, you made it up that I was dead. That's, that's nice.
I thought you were in Amsterdam.
- Hi, Rog.
I was, I just got back couple days ago.
- What happen, they run outta hash?
- Cut it out, Rodger.
If you're gonna keep up with that crap you'll have to leave.
- Okay, okay.
What's with that tall drink of water?
- Oh, thanks for asking, Dorothy.
This beautiful creature here
on my arm is my girlfriend, Oda.
- Oder? That's not a name, that's a smell.
- It's not Oder, it's Oda, it means to praise God.
- Nice, well this is my boyfriend Dimpy.
Dimpy.
Means good in bed, something you would know nothin' about.
- Yeah, well I get no complaints from Oda.
- I wouldn't complain either if I got paid too.
- I'm not getting paid. (speaking in Turkish language)
Rodger, I'll wait for you right there, okay?
- All right, baby. (lips smacking)
I'll miss you.
- What did she say?
- She said she hopes you have a beautiful baby.
- It didn't sound like that.
- I know, what language was that?'
- I think it was Klingon.
- Oh, shut up Dimp.
- You think maybe we could be civil to each other just once?
- I don't think so.
- God, could this be any more uncomfortable.
- This is not uncomfortable.
We're all adults here.
These two got married 25 years ago
and then they got a divorce.
That's normal. That happens to a lotta people.
Now they haven't seen each other in four years.
Totie has a boyfriend, Rodger has girlfriend.
Rodger came here, he didn't know he was gonna see Totie.
He certainly didn't know she was pregnant.
Hell, she thought he was dead.
You know, you're right.
This is...this is beyond uncomfortable.
Downright awkward and pretty freakin' dangerous.
(footsteps retreating)
- Well it's Mother's Day, isn't that wonderful?
You know, it's also the sixth month anniversary
of your father's death.
Why don't we all go outside
and say a few words in the backyard in his honor?
- Okay.
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Oh jeez.
(Totie grunts)
- Come on.
Well, here we are, Charles.
The whole family is gathered together.
Oh, plus a few extras.
Sarah has a fiance.
He's a little delicate and he can't hold his liquor.
- Yeah, and he talks funny.
He says, "however", but he's okay.
- You were always a son of a bitch, but I miss you.
- [Group] Yeah, yeah.
- I kinda miss you, yeah.
- Hey maybe we should sing his favorite song.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh no, not that song.
- Yes, let's do that! Let's do it.
- Okay.
♪ Tick tock, tick tock ♪
♪ Tick tock, the clock is ticking down for you ♪
♪ Tick tock, the clock is ticking, yes it's true ♪
♪ In the blink of an eye ♪
♪ All your days will go by ♪
♪ And soon, very soon, you will die, you will die ♪
♪ In the blink of an eye you will die ♪
♪ Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock ♪
Yeah.
(Dorothy laughs) (group claps)
- Kind of a morbid song.
Well, it's a song about reality.
And we like to celebrate the reality of life.
- That was a song about death.
- That's the bad thing about life, it ends in death.
- It's a shame we don't have anyone
to carry on the family name.
I can't depend on you or Lenny.
- Don't say that mom, it can still happen.
- Not in your wildest dreams (laughs).
- What about me? Did you forget I got a dude down here.
You know, cookin', he's gonna be kickin' out any day.
- Yeah, I forgot. Took you long enough.
It's about time you have a child of your own.
- What does that mean?
- (gasps) It's just, you know,
your grandma's silly sense of humor!
Just shut your trap.
- What did I say?
I mean it's no big news.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't tell me you didn't tell her.
- This is not the time or place, ma.
- You mean she doesn't know anything about it?
- Told me what?
- Sarah, I...I should, I mean...
I just, I just...
- You're adopted!
- What?
- [Group] What?
- Can't belief you haven't told her.
- Wow, I didn't know that.
- I sure as hell didn't know that.
- I didn't know that.
(bass twangs) - Wait a minute.
How did you not know about that?
- I don't know how I didn't know.
I was on the road a lot.
Somehow she faked it!
- Well that wasn't the only thing I faked.
- [Dorothy] That's enough Totie, this is serious stuff here.
- Look, Sarah, I've...I've been meaning to tell you.
I just, I don't know.
Time just slipped away.
- (laughing) Yeah.
- Are you all right?
Honey, you're kinda scaring us.
Are you okay?
- (gasping) All right? I'm fantastic!
I've, I've, I've never been better!
This explains everything! I can leave!
I don't have to be a part
of this whacked out family anymore!
Let's go, James!
- No, no, no, Sarah, Sarah, come with me, let's talk.
Please can we just talk about this?
- Goodbye, Mommy dearest.
- What's going on?
- Okay, well this is all your fault you big blabbermouth!
You happy now? Huh?
Is this what you wanted?
Sarah, wait! Wait!
Wait, wait, Sarah, please just let me explain!
- There is nothing to explain, Theresa.
- Please, will you just listen to me for one second?
Just listen, please.
- Did you notice I just called you Theresa?
That's because I'm adopted and you're not my real mother.
Bye bye.
- Okay, listen, I understand why you're angry.
- No, no, I'm not angry.
- Really? 'Cause you seem a little angry.
- No. No, this is what angry sounds like.
Why didn't you tell me?
- Because I was afraid, okay?
I was afraid that if you knew the truth
that you would react like this and run off
and never talk to me again.
- Oh, you mean like how you ran off to Amsterdam?
- That was different.
You went away to college, you didn't need me.
- You have no idea what I need.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I was a flake.
But we had some good times, right?
- Ah, funny, the good times kinda slipped my mind.
- Okay, well how 'bout that time that we cut down
our own Christmas tree?
- Ah, that was on a wildlife preserve
and we almost got arrested.
- Okay.
Well who punched Bobby Carlisle in the face?
Remember when he called you a slut.
- He was my boyfriend and I really liked him.
You ruined that for me.
- Okay.
I messed up a few things.
- Ha, a few.
- Sarah, I tried.
I did my best.
- You shoulda told me.
(mellow music)
♪ Please put me first ♪
♪ Don't put me last ♪
♪ I know we can't change ♪
♪ What's in the past ♪
♪ We've had some troubled times ♪
♪ I read between the lines ♪
♪ But now it's all gone ♪
♪ Time to move on ♪
(old fashioned music)
♪ M is for the million things she gave me ♪
♪ O means only that she's growing old ♪
♪ T is for the tears were shed to save me ♪
♪ H is for her heart of purest gold ♪
♪ E is for her eyes with love light shining ♪
♪ R means right and right she'll always be ♪
♪ Put them all together they spell mother ♪
♪ A word that means the world to me ♪
(record scratches)
- What happened. Did we hit something?
- I have to turn around.
- God, you scared me half to death.
What's wrong with you?
- I have to go back.
- Back where?
- To grandma's.
- You mean back to hell?
What's wrong with you?
- I...I know she's crazy, okay?
And she's not my real mother,
but she's the only mother I have.
When I think about it now,
she always tried to make life fun for me.
Please, I understand if this is all too much
and you need to put off the wedding and think about things-
- Stop, stop. Sarah, I don't need to think.
I love you, and it doesn't matter what you're family's like.
Even now we know they're not you're real family.
But they're my only family.
You're right. Let's go back.
Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
Let's go.
(jazzy music)
♪ Gotta come back ♪
♪ Just to move forward ♪
♪ Don't know what to say ♪
♪ This feeling's gettin' awkward ♪
♪ We're waitin' on you ♪
(engine rumbles)
♪ Time to move on ♪
- Ready?
- Just a minute.
Lemme build some strength, okay?
(groans) Okay!
(door knocks)
(door knob rattles)
(door knocks)
- [Dorothy] Come in! It's open!
- I think it's locked.
- It's not locked, it's never locked.
- Here we go again.
Dammit! Who's always locking this door?
What? Did you forget something?
- Yes. Something very important.
But may we come in?
- Why not.
(gentle music)
- Well, the prodigal niece has returned.
Didn't I tell you she'd come back?
- I owe you all an apology.
- No you don't. - Oh, honey.
- No, yes, I do.
Look, what I said before
about you all being a whacked out family,
I...I didn't mean it.
Well, yes, I did.
But you're my whacked out family.
Totie, mom.
Dad.
Let's face it, you weren't the ideal parents.
So what?
You know, you...you raised me
and you were always there for me
and you tried to show me how to enjoy life.
And maybe you were a little reckless.
But maybe I should try and be a little more like that.
Anyway, I want you to continue
to be my crazy, whacked out mother
and I want you all to continue to be my flaky family.
And James does too, don't you James?
- Sarah, that's that nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think.
- This is great.
Maybe we should have a group hug to celebrate.
- Hey, we don't do that kinda crap around here.
- Of course not, why would you.
How stupid of me, what was I thinking?
- Would you like to shake hands instead?
Or you could comb Donny's hair, he seems to like that.
- James, maybe you're right.
We are family. (door creeks)
We should let bygones be bygones.
Let's...let's have a group hug.
- Dorth, I think we should talk.
- Aunt Sunny, can't you take a hint?
- Where's my bat?
- She has a bat? Of course she has a bat.
- I told you to stay out.
- Grandma, what about all that stuff you said about bygones?
Bygones are all gone, now you get out of my way
unless you want some of this.
- Dorth, let's try to talk.
We can try to talk! - Oh I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna get you this time!
- No Dorth! - Get out!
- You crazy old lady! (women screaming)
(whimsical music)
- You crazy old lady!
I have been chased all my life with that damn bat-
- I'm gonna hit you over the head with this bat!
- If you think you're gonna catch me, you're not gonna.
- Oh I'm gonna get you. You're gonna get your head busted!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Shouldn't we do something? Call somebody?
- No, grandma won't catcher her.
- Oh?
- She never does.
- This has happened before?
- Oh, many times.
(hand slaps) Welcome to the family, James.
This is still a celebration.
It's time for more cake.
- Did you ever get checked for diabetes?
- Doctor said-
- That doctor, No, thanks.
(jazzy piano music) (James sighs)
- Here's the million dollar question.
Do you still wanna marry me?
James?
- I'm thinking.
- What?
- I'm kidding. I told you, it's you I love.
They're not so bad.
However, now that I've met your family.
They're right, it does sound stupid.
I'm gonna stop saying however.
- (laughs) You could say nonetheless.
- Right.
- Or notwithstanding, or howbeit, or-
(lips smacking)
- Now that I met your family you gotta meet mine.
But they're no walk in the park either.
- Yeah, well they can't be as bad as my family, so.
- That's what you think, but just you wait.
No, you're right, it's not even close.
I've never experienced people like this before in my life.
I think I kinda got along with your uncles.
- You got smashed on homemade hooch with my uncles.
- Exactly. What better way to get along?
- Let's go.
- Where can we get those ape boxers?
- No.
- You like those, right? I look-
- No.
(door creaks)
- You'll never catch me,
you've been trying to do this for years!
- Oh, you're gonna get it.
- [Musician] One, two, three!
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Listen, we're gonna learn how to be dealers too.
They're like...
What the (beep). (laughs)
There's like multa moolah.
There's like mega millions.
(laughs) Sorry. (babbles)
Something moolah.
Somethin', mega moolah.
- (groaning) Okay let's do it.
I forgot to tell you I got us a dog.
- Oh what's his (gasps).
- Did it kick that hard? - Are you okay?
(mellow jazzy music)
- Wow that feels nice.
Is that silk?
- Why is Uncle Lenny without underwear? Mm.
♪ I just heard the news ♪
♪ I can't believe it ♪
- [Sarah] Oh, that's exciting!
- Is that your dog? Is that your...
- [Crew] Cue the giraffe from the other side of the street.
(Theresa laughs)
- [Dimpy] Giraffes are quieter.
♪ Time will tell ♪
♪ You taught me what was what ♪
♪ And now I now so well ♪
- I know sometimes he just, you know, falls down everywhere.
(Theresa laughs)
- [Dimpy] I didn't fall down, I didn't pass out.
- Sorry. (laughing)
- [Dimpy] I got tired and I decided to go lay down.
- (laughs) I'm sorry! High cholesterol-
- [Dimpy] And I have high cholesterol.
- Low cholesterol is good.
- [Dimpy] He's taking a statin, don't worry about it.
♪ Tick tock, the clock is ticking down for you ♪
♪ Tick tock the clock is ticking, yes it's true ♪
♪ In a blink of an eye all your days will go by ♪
♪ Soon, very soon you will die, you will die ♪
♪ In a blink of an eye you will die ♪
(clapper claps)
- Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
It goes in, then it goes out.
It goes in, it goes out. (laughs)
- I don't like that word expect.
I don't like planes.
- I don't get it. - Sorry.
- Did you both- - Plane coming-
I have incoming.
- There is a huge plane going overhead.
- Oh yeah. - Oh shoot. (laughs)
(airplane engine roars)
- We got planes, so many.
There's a lot of planes.
Planes.
(Sarah gasps and laughs)
- Please save that clip.
- Ow, jeez!
(jazzy music continues)
(water spraying) - Cut!
- [Crew Member] We gotta get the wild lines, right?
- [Crew Member] Uh, Dan?
- That's a wrap. - It's a wrap everybody!
- [Crew Member] Thank you all.
Very hard day, thank you very much.
(group applauds)
- Totie?
Oh, hey! Who are you?
Oh yeah, oh yeah, I remember.
Stay there.
Totie dear, I can explain.
♪ I got drunk on Mother's Day ♪
♪ Don't know what else to say ♪
♪ Mother's Day has come and gone ♪
♪ So I wrote you this little song ♪
Wow, the acoustics in here make my voice sound fantastic.
♪ I got drunk on your brother's hooch ♪
♪ Totie baby, give me one more smooch (lips smack) ♪
♪ We'll go to Vegas where it's nice and balmy ♪
♪ And I can call you mommy ♪
(bass twangs)
♪ We'll call our baby Stalin ♪
♪ He'll be our little darlin' ♪
♪ I'll teach him to ride a bike ♪
♪ And if he doesn't wanna do that ♪
Hey, hey, hey, take a hike.
Oh sorry, I didn't mean that part.
X that part out.
♪ Things are gonna be okay ♪
♪ So believe me when I say ♪
♪ Happy day after Mother's day ♪
(bass twanging)
(shower curtain rustles)
Hey! Who are you?
- I'm the director.
- Oh.
(bass twanging)
- [Director] And cut.