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Hey, guys.
How's everybody doing?
Excited to announce that I proposed
to my girlfriend of two years yesterday and she said yes.
(light clapping)
I'm just kidding.
I've actually been single
for the last seven years and my life is kind of jacked up.
I'm 25 years old,
I share one bathroom with three roommates.
And last year I chipped my tooth on a fidget spinner.
I just wanted to see what it
felt like to get people excited for me for once.
And I feel bad, I lied.
I'm obviously not 25.
I'm like 19 or something.
But nonetheless,
I'm going to try to do a great comedy set for you all.
But if it doesn't go well, I don't really care because
comedy is just my hobby and sales is my passion.
Sales, getting the numbers in the green.
That's a pretty good one.
Thank you.
(upbeat music)
My name is Carmen Christopher and I'm a comedian.
Over the last several years,
I've been doing shows pretty much every night of the week
around New York City and touring the country,
really refining my act so that I appeal to more than
just a bunch of smelly dudes in a Brooklyn basement.
But then the pandemic hit and comedy venues have closed.
But I think people still want to laugh.
So I say, fuck it,
I'm going to take my best material and I'm going to do
it on the streets of New York City,
unsolicited for people who do not even see it coming.
(upbeat music)
I noticed recently a lot
of people have been changing their names to reflect their
heritage more accurately.
And that inspired me to do so.
I'm half Mexican, half Italian.
(horns honking)
So I'm going to change my name from Carmen Christopher
to Carlos, the cartel guy, de-christophono, the mob boss.
(light laughter)
I come from a working class,
blue collar Catholic family in Chicago.
So when I go home
for the holidays and tell them that I meditate and do yoga,
they try to put me into conversion therapy.
- Fail.
Like I said, I grew up in Chicago
and a little bit of a rougher neighborhood,
like instead of singing the Pledge of Allegiance
before class each day, we would sing
"Insane In the Membrane" by Cypress Hill.
Hand on the heart and everything.
I was cool with that, though, because I love hip hop.
I always wanted to be a rapper growing up, but nobody took me
seriously because my rap name was
Lil Peepee Cry Baby Boy.
(laughing)
Thank you. Not to be confused
with Lil Dickie, if anybody knows that rapper,
tell him I'm going to beat his ass.
I have a way
smaller penis than him. My penis is so small that you
can pack inside of a one hitter and smoke it.
- Push it back in, right?
Exactly, man. Yeah, Let me tell you what, buddy.
My penis is so small that you
could clean a Nintendo cartridge with it
I'm just messing around guys,
I got pretty average guy down there.
I interviewed for a job at Footlocker some years back
and unfortunately, I was not hired.
If I was hired, man,
you'd be walking in and I'd be like, hey, what's up, Papi?
Welcome to Foot Locker
If you need help with anything,
just halla at me. I'm the district manager here.
I've been working here for 12
years and I get my haircut at Chipotle.
Here I'm doing stand up, and the reason I'm doing stand
up is because I actually got kicked off all my improv teams
because I would only do scenes from "Remember the Titans"
And because I brought a gun to rehearsal.
Oh, shit. I'm actually getting a phone call.
Do you guys mind if I take this?
Oh shit.
Hello.
Hey, what's up, fellas?
Good, good, I'm actually in the middle of a comedy set.
Can I call you back?
Ok, sure, just make it quick.
Sorry.
Yeah, I thought about your
guys offer, but unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass.
No,
you can't just kill me because I don't want to join ISIS.
Ok, well, then you can come
find me now we're all down at Grand Army Plaza.
Fuck you.
Sorry about that.
I love doing comedy, except I got this stepdad
from the South who always feels the need to run these
really bad jokes by me that have no punch lines.
The only way that you'll know
the joke is over because he'll go like this.
- I was waiting for it.
He'll be like, I was in New York the other
day for the first time. I was walking down the street
and I see this big black bag on the sidewalk.
Well, I like free stuff.
So I take it back to the hotel, open it up.
It's garbage.
Good stuff. - All right.
- Thank you guys. That's enough. Thanks man.
- We're gonna keep carrying this.
- Alright. Have a good day.
(upbeat music)
I'd like to share a special talent I have with you all.
A few years back, I was named
The World's Best Tongue Clicker by Bizzaro magazine.
Most people, they were out there,
they were clicking their tongues like this.
(clicking sound)
But when I click my tongue, it sounds like this.
(techno music)
Yeah, I've pretty much been
on my grind this quarantine. Every morning I wake up,
I soak my underwear and socks in cold water, put them on,
then do all my chores for the day, because once you
get comfortable, you stop grinding.
And I just feel like if I keep working hard and keep working
hard, I'll find a way to bring my grandparents back to life.
This is fucking sick.
So apparently, like
people are starting to tag me on Insta Stories.
So it's like already going viral.
1,310.
They're following 3,752
Fuck! This is... This is good.
Hey, if dogs love food so much,
why don't they learn how to cook?
Ha ha.
I've been doing a transcendental meditation
lately and it's really great for me.
It helps me focus.
It makes me feel like I could literally do anything.
Like just the other day,
a shooter walked on to the train and I just
stayed calm, locked eyes with him,
quickly disarmed and broke his arm, set him down and waited
for authorities to come arrest him.
When the cops got there, we just high fived for like
a half an hour and drank Miller High Lifes.
They even let me ride
on the top of their squad car like Teen Wolf.
Ha ha.
All right. Have a good night, folks.
- How are ya? - Good.
How are you doing? - Good.
You can't preach in front of my bar. I'm sorry.
- Oh, I wasn't preaching. I was doing stand up.
- Okay. - Alright.
But my real dream is to get
shot and have all my ex-girlfriends come visit
me in the hospital, take a picture with them
post it to Instagram and caption it
"Ha ha ha. Look, they're still obsessed"
And I think my dreams will come true.
I'm not trying to name drop or anything but,
the Lord is my savior.
Ha ha.
The Lord is my savior, yes.
(upbeat music)
I was in L.A. a few weeks ago
and I saw this guy in front of a coffee shop.
He was around my age having this conversation...
Mom, chill.
Mom, stop.
Mom, chill!
Mom, stop!
MOM, CHILL!!
MOM, STOP!!
It's going to take time to become an actor!
No, do not tell me to calm down
and do not call me Mike, the name you gave me.
After seeing Lady Bird and realizing
I can have any name I want,
I want you to start calling me Viper Fucker.
Thank you.
Who's winning? Uh oh.
You hear a lot of weird phone conversations in New York.
I was a host at a restaurant on Wall Street and I hear
this guy having this conversation.
Uh huh, yeah.
Ok, well, you tell your boss,
I said the only difference between money and toilet paper
is when I get done wiping my butt with money, I eat it.
(players talking indistinctively)
Hi, table for 12, please.
No, it'll just be me by myself this evening.
What do you mean I can't have my own table?
Don't you know who I am?
My name is Clyde Maxwell, I live on the Upper West Side
in a five bedroom, three bath.
But I'm from the city so nice they almost named it twice.
Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin.
Maybe now you recognize this face?
I was an extra in Requiem for a Dream.
I was one of the businessmen yelling ass to ass.
I actually improvised that line on set.
The director liked it so much that he had
all the other businessmen extras chant it as well.
Ended up getting a writing and acting credit.
(upbeat music)
Yes, so I'm single and it sucks.
It's like being a tertiary character in a rom com, right?
I'm the guy in the movie who's
watching his best friend talk to a beautiful lady.
The beautiful lady walks away and I go up to my best friend
and I go, um, dude, who was that?
I'm that guy in the movie.
Shit, I'm getting a phone call.
You guys mind if I take this?
- No.
- Thanks. Thanks, bro.
Hello.
What?
(crying)
Why would you call and tell me that now?
I'm in the middle of a show. I gotta go.
You guys, I just got a call.
(crying)
My parents are getting divorced.
(crying)
Sike. They got divorced 20 years ago.
Let's party.
Party time, party time
(grinding)
I'm going to the mall.
Take a half a Xanax.
I feel like a lot of people when they watch
comedy, they don't really want to think.
They just want to like, do whatever.
For my comedy it really makes you think
yeah.
My dad pretty much ghosted the family after that one.
I got beef with my mom too, though.
When I was a kid,
my mom caught me stealing gummy worms from a Wal-Mart
and she spanked me so hard that poo flew out of my mouth.
Can you imagine that?
Getting bent over, spanked so hard
that the stool that's sitting
by your butt gets popped out of the mouth?
Yeah, times are weird.
(laughing)
Times are weird.
Looking forward for things
to go back to normal so that I could finally go on a boys
trip to Italy with 50 guys I just met on Zoom.
My New Year's resolution this upcoming year is going to be
to be in contact with my friends more.
Looking to Facetime at least 20 friends a week
to ask them what they're working on.
And once they start talking, I'll cut them off and tell
them what I'm working on. Which is a new screenplay
where Joker gets coffee with all the Irishmen.
But we CGI all their faces to look like Baby Boss.
Yes.
If I was a teacher, no bathroom breaks.
We're here to learn, not pee and poo.
(horn honks)
I'm excited to say that I got
through most of my goals this year, except for my summer
reading list, which was the Bible,
a Bridge to Terabithia and a from Dusk Till Dawn DVD case.
- Excuse me.
Can you do that somewhere else?
- Yeah, sorry.
Just trying to bring joy to New York.
Working hard.
For her to come out and say, excuse me,
can you do that somewhere else?
Is actually pretty inappropriate
because it felt like people were into that.
I don't know.
(upbeat music)
Nice thing about quarantine is I've been able to
catch up on shows I've never watched before.
Started watching Sex and the City.
Don't sleep on this show, fella's. It's pretty good.
Does a great job of capturing New York City's nightlife.
Now we just freakin go in someone's backyard,
sit in a circle and talk about how horny we are.
Can't even hug anymore.
And it's not because we're scared to get Covid,
but we're scared to get aroused
I haven't touched anybody in so long.
A great thing I picked up
from the show Sex in the City is a new icebreaker for when
I go on dates.
Now when I go out with the lady, I like to ask her
which Sex and the City character are you?
And if she says Carrie,
then I bounce the fuck out because I'm not trying to hear
some typing when I'm trying to go to sleep at night.
I'm all tired. I got to get up for work in the morning.
Got to hear this---
(click click click)
And that sounds like a mouse.
And everybody knows I suffer from musophobia.
- That was cool.
- Thanks. Thanks, bro.
I suffer from a musophobia, the fear of mice.
Not to be confused with my favorite cheese,
which is muso-rella!
Ha ha
It's a newer one.
Not too good with the ladies, but what do you expect?
I learned from my brother.
I saw my brother go up to a lady in a bar like this once.
Damn, girl, you drink too much.
Yeah, you think he's going to be a sexual predator,
just turns out he's rude. He's rude.
See what else we've got going on.
And I'm actually excited
to announce I've never been depressed.
(rim shot)
It's one of the joys of my life,
and I like to talk about it as much as possible,
especially around my comedy friends.
(rim shot)
I'll tell you guys what, I do not condone this.
Please, please, please, but if I had to commit suicide
the way I would do it, is I would take a gun and I
would go bang, bang. Two shots to the mouth.
Because if you can get off
that first shot, bang, and get off a second
shot, bang, that's like kind of cool.
You survived a shot to the mouth
and then you got another one off?
Am I right, guys?
(rim shot)
Dang, feels like these lines are getting long, huh?
Ha ha
Three hours? No, thanks.
I'd rather watch The Irishman.
Sorry to do The Irishman joke, guys.
No new movies have come out in the last year.
I hear we're going to get another stimulus check.
Oh, great, now I can finally
afford to get that stick out of my ass.
You know what I'm talking about?
(upbeat music)
Feels like everybody's is just ignoring me.
I'll tell you what the real pandemic is,
is a, two hundred and twenty five
million Americans are addicted to saying "no worries"
Try to act real cool on dates, but I get nervous.
This is me when I don't know what to talk about on a date.
Isn't it crazy that
all the Power Rangers went to the same high school?
That would be like if all
the women from The View went to the same high school.
This is also my face
when my mom says I can stay
on the data plan well into my 30's.
- I didn't even chuckle and I wanted to.
And I've seen worse.
I mean, wasn't even close to---
I just don't think he's ready yet.
He could be funny if he tinkered it,
you know, Washington Square Park,
if he did that joke in Washington Square Park.
That's how he could test to see if he's really good.
Washington Square Park in the fountain.
If he can't get them to laugh,
telling you.
(upbeat music)
- I saw this guy jogging
the other day without a mask, so I yell at him, I go,
Hey, buddy, put on a fucking mask!
As mine lay gently under
my chin while I was blasting Sicko Mode on this boombox.
You guys know that song Sicko Mode?
- No, never heard it.
Yeah, they wrote Sicko Mode after they walked in on me
and my cousin going down on each other.
Yeah, they walked in,
they were like, Yo! This is sicko mode!
We got to hit the studio tonight.
I noticed I'm getting older recently.
And the reason I know I'm getting older is
because a few years ago I went to a Travis Scott concert.
And before the concert started,
they made an announcement that school would be canceled
tomorrow due to a snow day.
And the place fucking erupted.
It was a bunch of high schoolers going batshit crazy.
They were passing around joints
like it was Woodstock '94.
And this young girl next to me, she starts jumping up
and down and she knocked over my eighteen dollar drink.
And I wanted to yell at her,
but I couldn't because it's like, this is a young girl.
I should be at home buying real estate.
And fingers crossed for another housing crisis.
Am I right?
I'm looking to gobble up some foreclosures
JK. I don't really have money.
I don't really have money like that.
All right, gang, thanks for coming out.
Have a good night.
Well, those are the bunch
of the coolest kids ever seen in my life, and they didn't
laugh at me once. I would like to think
that that was going to be my bread and butter.
Those like young, cool kids.
- I didn't understand most of the jokes.
Some of them made me laugh, but not for the reasons
that you would want somebody to laugh at the jokes.
You know what I mean?
- Uh, it makes me think though,
is it like is it me? I don't know.
Like Jerry Seinfeld have done well there?
I don't think so.
I don't think too many comics could have done well there.
Woo! That was bad.
My dentist said that, uh
I should get Invisalign
because my bottom teeth are crooked.
No thanks. - Sorry. Sorry, no.
- My teeth are good.
- I'm taking orders and I can't hear them.
Sorry. It's too loud. - Ok.
Hey, buddy. Your bottom teeth are crooked.
You need Invisalign.
No, not if I'm happy.
I'm a big fan of the game show Family Feud.
I was watching it the other
day and I was like, damn, I can never be on this show
with my family because what would happen is
my sister would be up to answer and Steve Harvey
would ask, what is a popular household detergent?
She'd buzz in, (bzzz) Irish Springs!
(errr!)
My brother would be like, No, that's a soap, you dumb idiot.
I'd be like, Whoa, dog, you can't talk to her that way.
And honestly, it's not that bad of an answer.
Irish Spring---
Shit, I fucked up.
What is Irish Springs?
Feels like everybody
in Brooklyn is a little bit too cool for school.
Am I right? This is literally how
everybody crosses the street in Brooklyn.
Am I right?
And everybody's got these air pods buzzing.
My sister buzzing.
(bzzz) Irish Springs. (errr!)
Whoa, thank you so much.
God bless you.
I'm going to try to figure this joke out.
Everybody's got air pods.
I think they call them air pods
because once you open them,
they disappear in the air. Right?
I have a a better job tracking down a---
- You said one joke.
- Better down--- - You said one joke.
- I have a better job tracking down a booger that I
- This is two.
- I have a better job tracking down a booger I lost in the---
- They're both horrible.
- So far it's none.
- I have a... I have a - Out.
- I have a better job tracking down
a booger that I flicked in the fourth grade.
- Out.
- Better job tracking down
a booger I flicked in the fourth grade.
- This is gonna be a bottle of water. Go.
- You throw that to me, I'll sue you.
- Tell another booger joke. Go ahead.
- I love boogers.
Oh, that was tough.
Have a good one. - You're not wanted.
- Ok, thank you.
I feel like it's half good.
Half bad.
But I guess that's part of the game.
I think that's part of the lifestyle that I chose.
Can you guys mind if I have a second?
- Yeah. - Alright. Thanks.
Fucking---
It's fucking going off, I fucking hate this.
I fucking suck at everything, I fucking suck at this shit.
Ok, put your head in the game.
Let's do it! All right.
You guys ready to hit the town?
City usually comes around at night, so---
(smooth jazz music)
I don't know about you guys,
but I like to drink so that I could drive faster.
I'm just messing around. I don't have a license.
Have a good night, folks.
Yeah, I got a really low Uber rating.
Can't take Ubers anymore
because I insist that we drive with all the doors open.
And you know I got to have that aux cord.
Not to listen to music, but to listen to
Bryan Cranston's audio book memoir.
The first time I saw a standup special,
it was Martin Lawrence: You So Crazy.
And I was like, I can never do that.
I mean, this guy is just
another level doing all these characters.
He was just so big and so funny and so animated.
Shit. Nothing?
But then flash forward to now and here I am.
I'm doing my own fucking comedy special and it's---
it's going ok. I just got to finish strong.
Y'all are just going to ignore me
like that wasn't a good joke?
You guys look at me and you're like, this guy is perfect.
You're actually wrong.
The first time I had a YouTube
video get over one thousand views, I got super cocky
and told my parents that I wish they would die.
Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that one
Fuck... No laughs, huh? Ok.
I think it's devastating
for New York to have comedy clubs closed right now because
people want to get out and laugh.
And there's a whole industry that
needs this money that they make off the clubs.
I tried.
Shit man.
I've actually I've actually never done it.
I've actually never performed here before.
But I would.
You guys remember when sushi
came out in the 90's and everybody thought it was gay?
Well, that's not cool.
My mom saw me stealing gummy worms from Wal-Mart once
and spanked me so hard that poo flew out of my mouth.
- That's disgusting.
- I'm sorry. I'm really---
- New joke, new joke at the restaurant.
- Bullshit.
I need my closer to hit hard.
Hey, you guys ever go to clap a fly dead
and it completely disappears? And there's no traces of
the fly on your hand? Is that magic?
Ha ha
Is that magic?
They're fucking outside spreading Covid and they're
going to look at me like I'm some fucking piece of trash?
All right, I'm going to do some crowd work.
Look at this guy. Who do you got?
Eminem meets Limp Bizkit? Haha.
- Stop bothering these fucking people.
- Sorry, dude, I'm just doing standup.
- Fucking go!
- Those fucking guys suck.
All I was trying to do is be funny
and nothing else.
Hey guys. - What up?
- Hey, if dogs love food so much,
why don't they learn how to cook?
Yeah. Whatever. That's a good joke.
Eat your meal. Have fun.
- Bye! - Leave me alone.
I'm going to have to hit you with a bye bye bye.
Oh, shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Chill, chill.
Hate this.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got an idea.
Can I do some standup for you? Three minutes.
- No. - Three minutes.
- We're good.
- All right, I'll pay you.
You guys be willing to let me do like
two minutes of jokes for you guys?
- Ummm, no thank you. - Sorry.
Shit. All right.
I'll pay you.
- I'm good.
- Please, I'll pay you.
Come on, you don't speak English?
That's ok, I'll still do it for you.
Can you just pretend to laugh at me?
Come on, it's a good New York experience.
- Sorry, G.
- Hey, excuse me, buddy.
Can I do three minutes to stand up for you?
- Sorry about that.
I'll pay you to do stand up for you.
- I appreciate that, thanks. - Please?
Can I do three minutes of stand up comedy for you?
- Sure.
Ok, ready?
- I just don't think he's ready yet.
- I didn't understand most of the jokes.
- Gonna be a bottle of water.
- Stop bothering these fucking people.
[Carmen] I need my closer to hit hard to hit hard.
You guys ever see two people fighting and one person's like
You don't know me, you do not know me.
You don't know me.
That's such a valid form
of expression, because if they took the time to get to know
one another, maybe they wouldn't be fighting.
Right?
You don't know me!
Well, ok, well, where are you from?
I'm from Des Moines, Iowa. But you don't know me.
Whoa, I'm actually
from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, just two hours away.
Looks like we have more in common than we thought.
Ha ha
Say, what's your love language?
What? You're starting to piss me off.
It's receiving gifts, but you don't know me.
Whoa, mine is quality time.
Say, what's your deepest, darkest fear?
Umm...
I guess it's just like fully being myself and not being
accepted for that. But you don't know me.
You're right, I don't know you,
but to me, it seems like you're pretty
damn good guy who just needs a bite to eat.
So what do you say you put the gun down?
He's been holding the gun the whole time.
Come back to my place tonight
and let me make you some Bibimbap
and we could put this whole parking dispute behind us.
After all, we're both driving scooters.
We could pretty much put these things everywhere.
Sounds good, man.
(bump)
(kiss)
(tap tap)
Hey, what the fuck, man? If my wife found out about
that, she'd be wet as hell right now.
Oh, yeah, well,
you sure did get hard pretty quickly, didn't you?
Yeah, I guess it's because I'm
sexually aggravated and due to my masculinity issues,
I have nobody to express my anger to.
So it turns into fights like these in all wars ever.
Whoa. I'll see you at dinner.
Ding-Dong.
Hey, you made it. Thanks for coming.
Meet my wife, Gloria.
Oh, I know you.
You're the asshole who tried to suck my husband's d.
And
I am the woman from Midsommar.
And then, uh, that's my set. Thank you guys for coming out.
(clapping) Thank you guys so much.
(light piano music)
That was my set. Thanks.
I feel really proud and good that I was able to finish this
special, we did a lot of shooting today.
And, you know,
I think that some people liked it and I think that some
people really fucking hated it.
And I humiliated myself a lot.
So I hope that you all enjoy it more than I did.
And if not...
(phone rings) Oh, shit
My bad, I'm going to take this real quick. Sorry
Hello.
This is.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, yeah, I would love to. Thank you so much.
Ok, that sounds great.
I'll be there. I'll be there.
Thank you.
Ok, goodbye.
Yo.
You're not going to believe this.
(piano music)