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[music playing]
🎵you may not feel like your pretty enough to survive in this cold cold world🎵
[Adrienne] One of the things that i've learned on this journey as a woman as a wife as a
mother as a fearless leader of women, I've learned that there's so many women with
have a muzzle on their mouth when it comes to their stories and in our book, When The Soul
Cries: Trauma Tears and Triumph the ladies are sharing their stories of how they moved from
traumatic experiences. Ten of the women have come together to talk about the triumph but also
the tears. How did we get to the trauma? What is trauma? Do we understand how to really heal?
🎵 don't ever stop, stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving.🎵
🎵You're not just another woman. Don't ever stop, stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving🎵
[ladies screaming]
[Adrienne] I thought you were in the house!
[excited screaming]
🎵You are the prize so let them strive to win you, yeah.🎵
🎵 So if you ever start to doubt yourself, just remember you're not just a woman, yeah🎵
Hello! Hi!
All my little make up gone, Shay! I need you sugar! I'm looking a whole mess!
How are you? [Mel] Good how are you?
Fresh to death get it lady!
Hey girl.
[laughing]
[screaming]
[Adrienne] We're here in beautiful Cape Cod. I brought in a therapist that has helped me in my own personal journey.
So I think initially when Adrienne and I met and when we started talking about things um
I was observing her from a distance observing what was happening in a group that she facilitated
and i'm looking at the post i'm looking at all the tools that she was giving and I was just thinking
she is completely wasting her time because what she was providing some of the women did
not have the capacity to use those skills, they needed something that was higher level
meaning therapeutic interventions and so I reached out to her and I said I don't mean
to get in your business however I need to let you know that what you're giving them
nuh-uh not working they need therapy okay it's cool to talk to your girlfriends
it's cool to talk to your friends but some things require professional intervention right because
we've been trained to give you tools we've been trained to help you process information
your friends your family will sometimes they're on your team and so sometimes they will not be
objective in helping you to see the other side and so the role of a therapist is to help you process
the information and learn a better way to deal. --What I love about our journey is over the years
we've been had the opportunity and the honor to help so many other women um just understand
not only their trauma but how do they get there? What circumstances got us to this place? One of
the things I always talk about is accountability through sisterhood and not just but me respecting
your role as a therapist I always call therapist scientist because you had to study the brain
study how trauma impacts the brain and I always tell people that you're my trauma specialist
right and then when people see me they know you're not far behind because the way we complement each
other I think people can say there's a balance there right and I never want to be a leader where
I'm the smartest person in the room I want someone to say no that's really nice
but let's take it up a notch and that's what you do for the fearless storytellers so I'm so
excited that you're here this weekend. So can you define trauma in its simplest form?
--Trauma in its simplest form is the inability of an individual to use coping skills to manage the
significant level of stress that the particular event has caused. --Okay. --That's in its rarest form
right and so sometimes when we think about trauma people think about
individuals who have gone to war right those are traumatic situations yes those are but
someone going through a divorce with their parents that can be a traumatic situation if they have an
inability to cope with it so we have to look at trauma in its simplest form because it's really
based on an individual's experience. --Yeah. --Right something that affects you may not affect me and
vice versa so when we look at trauma it's just important for us to understand that
we don't want to shoo shoo anybody's experience and we want to say you know that was a traumatic
experience and sometimes I even have to help my clients to identify the trauma remember
your inability to adjust when your parents got a divorce? Do you remember how difficult it was for
you to get up in the morning? How difficult it was for you to keep living between your mom and your
dad's house and the stress that you experience right sometimes there's self-harming behaviors
that may come with it right that lets us know that there's an inability to cope because now we have
to find other things that allow us to feel like the pain goes away. --So we're here in beautiful cape
cod in this beautiful on this beautiful setting and even though this is a wonderful retreat we're
not here to play around this is not a girl's trip this is about people including me healing
and going to the next level in our lives so what are some of the exercises that you'll be taking
the women through as a licensed social worker clinical therapist you know trauma when you see it
so what things are you going to do to help them go to the next level? --So one of the exercises is going
to be cards on the table and having the women to identify the different traumas and figure out what
to do next with the cards on the table we're going to just put everything out there and let them work
from there. The second exercise is going to be on a letter to my sister where we acknowledge our
sister's pain from a different standpoint other than what they believe the experience has been
and the last one is going to be burn it up because what we want them to do is leave the things on the
table right leave their trauma leave the pain behind don't take it with them so we're going
to burn it up at the end because that means if it's burned up they don't take it with them.
[music playing]
[Sound] -- So it's so great to meet you all in person finally. It's been a long journey. [Chelsia] -- Yes it has.
[Candice] It's been a year a year. [ladies agreeing]
--[Jondahlyn] It has been a year. --[Chelsia] -- I know.
--It's our anniversary! [ladies laughing]
--[Mel] It is!
[Sound] So how did you all find out about the projects initially? [Mel] A.B. [Chelsia] A.B.
She what messaged me and then we had the first call, yep.
[Mel] I know when A.B. calls me something's going on. [ladies laughing]
I never hear from her unless some she's got something cooking up her sleeve [laughing].
[Sound] I met A.B. virtually through the volunteer coordinator for the kids ministry at my
church. [Chelsia] Oh wow. [Sound] And so um yeah i'm just going through facebook seeing what we might have in common
and I saw the post and then I reached out and she was like er ma'am you don't know me [laughing]
To me it was um I put a post on facebook and she contacted me do you want to write your story [laughing]
and then she said you're going to be the last one of 18 writers at that point was 18.
and and I was like yes I need to do this. --Who knew that it would bring us to such a place as this a time as this?
--Changing the world one life at a time and it's worth it [ladies agreeing]
--Yeah and what I love about it is that when the book first came out and I didn't think it would
happen but you know each story is different but we have so many similarities and I was just like
I kind of relaxed in it because it I just didn't feel like okay you don't have to feel apprehensive
of what people are going to think it's like everything just intertwined together right
right and just personally I have a heart for women just to see them healed because I mean you know
where i'm from I have you know family members I have you know girlfriends or I guess I should
say some associates i'm not going to figure it out everybody's not your friend but um it's just the
stigma of like negativity or a bad mindset because you don't know who you are and so I just have a
passion just to see women whole so that's why I wanted to write my story. [Mel] That's awesome.
--Really initially it was reading them to find out to make sure I wasn't alone and I you know like
today even like breathing I have not been breathing I've been holding my breath and you know
every time I go and get a massage and like --[Nikiya] Girl I thought that's because you had your girdle on
you can't be breathing? [laughing]
[Mel] Somebody laced it too tight in the back! [laughing]
--So I think that we all can serve as
as um I would call them midwives too many you know to help people birth what's on the inside of them
as well you know and I think that's um this is new to me um although it's sort of like contradicting
a little bit but um because you know been in ministry been able to administer two people
you know um I had a problem you know um trusting women because I have been hurt by so many
you know so to be in a circle like this i'm sorry like letting my guards down so when I
first met Adrienne uh it was through um someone I knew that was actually working her at the time
you know and um and I feel like she was our divine connection because she's no longer working with
her anymore you know and it was like wow you know so and that my intention was not to write the book
my intention was for somebody to hear me for the first time.
--The woman with the five husbands. [laughing]
Jennie Womack everybody. [laughing] I am so happy that you're here with me and we've had uh an amazing time
journey together ironically how we met and just so many things that we've been through we had a good
in a good way we had you know people say been through and you'd be like what would y'all have
been through but we've gone through some really fun things some new innovative innovative things
um this time that we've known each other so but I want to talk a little bit about your story um
which is entitled the woman with the five husbands and I remember when we were talking
about naming your story you were kind of like okay that works um so talk to us a little bit
about first of all why you chose to become a fearless storyteller let's start there.
--Um mainly because you know once I talk with you and we just started because first year
you started out as as my mentor basically and as I began to you know to talk to you more and more
um I just said you know some somebody else could hear and be healed you know from from my story
yeah um although it was labeled you know the woman with the five husband who does that right
um but it's still they may not have been married but they might have they may have been had more
than one --[Adrienne] Yes! --Relationship ten relationship whatever the case may be um and they're stuck
in a situation you know feeling like they um they're not worth anything um or being judged or
um just hard on themselves because they allow themselves to go through that
right um but I could speak from um not from innocence but from experience
to say that you know what you know god you brought me through that mm-hmm you know and sometimes my
life did feel dim you know it did feel like I wasn't going to make it and I was drowning
but as I look back on it he had a hand on me as well you know so it's just saying that you
know giving it out there and putting it out there and somebody's seeing it
and they can go wow five husbands and I'm wrestling over the one I had [laughing]
you know i'm letting the one I had you know make me go through. --[Adrienne]Sure! --And she was at five? --[Adrienne] Right.
--So I think it was more of a of a ministering tool for women. -[Adrienne] Absolutely. --Um to see that they
don't have to you know be in a place all their lives. [Adrienne] Yeah that's good and I appreciate the
the honesty and the accountability that you take and you've always from day one even from
of us meeting even if you didn't know why you did something you always were self-reflective
and accountable and just wanting to be better so as a leader of women a fearless leader of women
and they love you and they look up to you we've had time to spend I've had an opportunity to
spend time in your element among the women that you serve so how do you make them comfortable
because sometimes women can be very judgmental and say well she can't tell me
anything about my relationship because I mean she can't even keep a man like that's just how we are
right so how do you have it where how do you create the environment where they can feel safe?
--Number one being transparent um about the things I've been through I don't put on airs I don't
act like I'm all that in the back of chips never did nothing and all of that you know
um but i'm just very transparent what I'm talking and um to the to two women and I
try to meet them right where they are right you know in the situation and again and not
judge them about um whatever because although my situation may be that I married five
you know I had five husbands your situation may be totally different but you still need deliverance
You still need healing yeah so to get women to understand you know that don't don't compare
your situation with anyone else right right because it may not be the same
but the result should still be the same absolutely that you know I want total healing I want total
deliverance from whatever i went through I need that you know. --[Tamara] What we want to do with
these women is say yes so now you've shared your story let's talk about the things in your story
that you haven't shared yet. All right ladies so we are going to do our first exercise which is called
cards on the table and the instructions are that each individual one at a time will pick up a card
and you will return to your seat and you will talk about the card that you picked as it relates
to the word that's on the card so whoever would like to go first can start you're going to get
your card no one else is going to come up behind you and pick up a card that is your time to shine
We clear? [ladies agreeing] So whoever would like to go to the table any card you like.
-[Mama Chris] Why not! -[Mel] All right!
Wow!
Okay so i got the word say the word --[Tamara] Say the word.
--Disrespected. Wow...
I guess when I was violated.
When I wasn't covered.
When somebody should have known better and they choose chose to disrespect me.
They took my innocence.
I never had a chance
but i'm still standing because although they disrespected me
eventually I came to a point where no matter what
I'm not gonna take their disrespect. I sever that cord.
If I need to be respected I respect myself so I'm not gonna be in the gutter doing gutter stuff.
[ladies agreeing] [--Mel] Thats it! --Because I'm valuable. I'm a masterpiece. I'm unique.
Disrespected.
--[Tamara] So when you picked up that card Miss Chris,
you said wow. What did it feel like to turn that card over?
--Because I felt it. I felt it. I remember feeling it. I remember there being a time when
I saw no value in myself no no self-worth you know when my husband proposed to me
I'm like wow all this time you know I was just um
going through adolescence childhood young adulthood
but he chose me [laughing]
He loved me, He loved me and so when I felt...
You know it didn't start out that way you know you know you [laughing] know yeah i'm gonna be honest you know
he riding his game you know [laughing] I feel for it. [laughing]
But in the end you know he he went home to be with the lord we were together for we dated
in high school and we were married 29 and a half years you know to be able to be there with him he
knew my deepest darkest secrets he knew every detail about me and um he loved me regardless
regardless I told him everything and he still loved me? [laughing] Oh wow yeah um
to have felt love and in spite of disrespect you know and I think that makes me more aware
so that I am respectful to people you know they can cross the line but I don't have
to sit there I don't have to sit there and subject myself I can excuse myself and go
you know it's their loss yeah but if they need me I'm there but I won't be disrespected
I will not be disrespect that's a powerful word that's the powerful word .
--[Tamara] So thank you for sharing Miss Chris. --Thank you.
--[Tamara] Everybody take a deep breath [laughing]
--[Sound] Shame. So I've experienced situations in my life where I was misunderstood I was put in
circumstances because of just bad choices because my parents were born in 1929 in 1939
and not too much conversation went on in their household so they did the best that they could and
they really didn't talk to me about things it was like don't bring no babies up in here
don't do things that you're not supposed to do but there were really no intimate details that
this is what you do when a boy approaches you this is what you do when you get into
this situation and so a lot of people thought that I should have known better but I didn't
as long as i made straight a's went to church volunteered stayed active in my community
I was smart enough to figure things out but that wasn't the case and so um I experienced a lot of
shame because people felt that i'm too smart for that always you should have known better even
trying to spend situations to say you know it was my fault so with shame came guilt, self-doubt
and a lot of other things depression anxiety just a lot of different emotions connected to it
so and going through the different relationships I could say that um being shameful
of my choices would cause me to not say anything and to just exist and to
just be and try to cover up situations as best as I could and really no one would know anything
until it was over with but most of the time people in my life were like well what happened
to so-and-so he was so nice but you didn't know the other side oh well y'all just look so happy
well because I didn't want to be shamed by people I did a lot of cover-up
I was great at covering up. I wore a mask.
I did. And so part of my healing process has been coming out of agreement with it and reclaiming
who I am as far as my identity and that I am not who I am because of what happened to me
I am who I am through what has happened to be what I was born and designed to do on this Earth.
--[Tamara] And where does shame exist in your World now? --Oh my goodness so
because my husband is a church musician he's not at church with me and so I have the role of being
a solo parent and all of my children are not necessarily on the spectrum but they have adhd
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, sensory processing disorder, a couple of the children have
tourettes and so i'm serving and i'm parenting and i'm being an advocate for my children and so
different people are saying oh they should know better they're just acting out they're doing
it on purpose and so i'm expressing to them that there is something going on neurologically and i'm
doing what i need to do in the physical and in the spiritual and I need y'all to show some compassion
and it's like they're not hearing me and so it's like it's kind of they're not saying oh shame
on you but I can tell from the looks and the comments and even the non-verbal communication
that is a shameful situation but this has been like everywhere out in public at the grocery
store it doesn't matter someone's having a sensory moment a meltdown and so i'm doing my best to read
everything and to just be their advocate and to teach them to advocate for themselves and it's
like unless the child has a profound disability they're not really acknowledged so it's like
people with silent disabilities get overlooked um when I registered to to come here on the plane I
was like well do you have any disabilities and i'm like yeah so mine is cognitive like my children as
well and so when it was time to board they're like okay anybody with disabilities come on
I was the only one and I don't know if people looking at me crazy or not but I know my bag and
i'm not afraid so I walked on that empty plane got to my seat and sat down and I felt safe [ladies acknowledging]
--[Tamara] Thank you for sharing that it's important to know that when we have these experiences right
this is still present so this is not a past word this is a right now yeah right this is right
now where you're struggling with it just being able to parent your children right people are
putting identities on you identities on your kids and so it's important to know that shame
can look so many different ways and what we have to be conscious about is just constantly exposing
what you're doing now like you can look at my kids it doesn't matter I know what's going on
I don't really owe you an explanation because the last time I checked I was the only person
buying clothes right paying bills to take care of them but it's important to know what your own
identity is so that when people try to give you an identity that you stay out of agreement with
that right and so it's good that you know what it was like when you were in agreement with it yeah
in your younger life and now you're like no i'm not having it and i'm gonna do what I need to do
and just because you don't see it right because you learn to cover up i'm still gonna do it and
so that's important to know and so thank you for sharing and talking about the shame that you're
having right now like it's happening right now and so it's important for you to keep advocating
for your children advocating for yourself --[Sound] Yes! --And saying never again will I be under the rock
of shame and i'm not taking that walk again right that walk is done.
--[Jondahlyn] My word is invalidated.
That's deep. [laughing]
I'm sorry. --[Tamara] No don't be sorry it's okay.
--So most of my life as a pk pastor's kid um for the first 18 years of my life as the only girl out of
three boys um there was this expectation that you know I was a little mama
I got straight a's in school my father taught me how to do this whole public speaking thing
we were on radio and television from very early age like since we could really talk because my
father was a public figure pastor so on, so forth. Um so there was always this expectation that
in order to I guess have value you had to roar and you had to pour into others
forget about self and just pour into everybody else and be this ultimate servant leader
so you know that was my goal. In life I watched my parents you know serve and be and everything
they touched seemed like it turned into gold and I was like okay that's the goal in life right
so it all I think it almost became like that whole like um you learn how to be an actor or
an actress right and you people value you based on kind of how well you win the oscar yeah and so
um the invalidated part was the secret struggle it was the things that I cried about at night but I
couldn't even tell like my parents or anybody because the expectation was you get out there
you perform and you be and you do and everything has to be 100. but I struggled with this because
um i've always had issues with like am I good enough so it's this rat race to be good enough
and everything had to be perfect but I wasn't perfect and i'm not perfect
and so um I think it created or developed some um insecurities um
in my relationships I accepted the whole invalidation piece because
um I think I don't know it was my alter ego or I don't know and i'm probably like all over the
place normally i'm i think good at public speaking but when i have to go into these places like this
it I kind of seem to jumble my words but um I struggle but I still struggle with this um because
I think i'm naturally just kind of a performer you know? --[Tamara] So what would happen if you stopped performing?
[laughing] --That's a very good question. So if I stop performing I think I can breathe better [laughing] um
I think I can be the although I may look like i'm an extrovert i'm really kind of an introvert
and I think I could spend the time that's needed to really get to know me and not who I won't
even say what everybody expects me to because it might not be what everybody's expecting me it may
be what I think that I have to be what everybody expects me to be so I think I really would discover me
um and all of the layers underneath which I want to discover so um that's what I think will happen.
--[Tamara] So I would like for you to write down the date in your journal that you're going to start
--[Jondahlyn] Well apparently right now [laughing]
because most of the time i'm leading so when i'm brought to a place of vulnerability such as this
normally I will retreat very quickly and and if I feel like a tear or something coming
I have to kind of go and fantasize and i'm doing something else but you know so that
I can perform and continue to perform so my date is today um my date is today.
--[Tamara] And I need you to write an affirmation with that, 'today I will choose to serve me first'
Today I will choose to sever me first.
Thank you.
Now you understand the panic attacks that you have are related to this right what are you going to do
next right we can get medication right that's to fix it however medication addresses the symptoms
it does not deal with the root cause and so we've got to get to the root causes which
is what i'm hoping we do this weekend is get to the root cause and once we get to the root cause
then we can pluck up the tree instead of swinging from branch to branch to branch to branch when we
pluck up the roots right then they can really get down to the depth of the healing process.
It's thick in here y'all --[Angel] It is. --So this is the work right it's just cards on the table though [laughing] that's it
Imma go! Imma go!
I'm strategizing! [laughing]
--[Adrienne] It doesn't work.
--Don't go for the middle.
Oh, Jesus! Woah! Child! Okay.
Manipulated. [heavy sighing]
Uh when I see this word um I think of being used um I think of um
just, I resonated a lot with Johndahlyn's story about um having such low self-worth that you can't even
feel comfortable if somebody were to praise you recognize you give you a compliment and
genuinely mean that because you don't see that within yourself that you are
so low in your worth that um that you can't you can't accept it as your truth you know
and because of that it is so easy to be used and manipulated by people
and I think this has actually been a theme since since I was a girl
[crying] because I never was told or taught
what I was really worth.
And so I let people use me,
for everything. [laughing]
Everything.
And it was a theme that started in my childhood
and then I had like a eight year break when I lived in Kentucky and god really
broke apart all of my infrastructure that I had growing up and he showed me who I was and who
I really am and then I found myself married and feeling the same exact way that I was growing up
and so it was almost like a test of what I learned about myself in in those eight years
did I really believe it or not you know and if it was my truth would I continue to allow
myself to be manipulated and used and not know my worth and not know what i'm actually able to do
in this world and how I was created and why I was created so um this uh [laughing]
this is a choice this is a choice and maybe what happens to you
isn't a choice of yours it might have been a choice of someone else's
but the continuation of this is your choice and um
I got to a point to where I had to learn two words that i've never said before to anybody
and that was I refuse i've never refused anybody I was raised not to refuse anybody I was raised
not to refuse elders I was raised not to say no I was a groomed people-pleaser right and
when you get that code embedded in you in your nature and your core um
you don't put words together like I refuse
and as a result things like this happen but when you find yourself out of that environment
or having been exposed to something that tells you you can refuse
and not only can you refuse you should refuse
you start to believe you can yeah and then the choice is will you or will you not so
yeah. --[Tamara] So how does it feel to now refuse?
--Good! [laughing]
Good um I am really bad I was really bad at setting boundaries um when you're a people
pleaser you don't have boundaries right with people and manipulation and being used happens
and it was very scary at first to begin setting boundaries with people in my life
I felt that if I refused someone or said
no or showed them the line that they could not cross with me that I was being too
disrespectful to them and it's so funny how you're more concerned about disrespecting someone else
than you are about being disrespected yourself you know and that's how low my self-worth was
I never considered myself. When I write my to-do list self-care is like number 82 on the list right
you don't get 81 things done in a day you know so you you just you just get in that
mindset in that mind frame um but you know i've begun the practice of setting boundaries
it's still a work in progress to be honest but there are some particular people in my life that
I really had to use as a practice ground it's changed dynamics for sure but you know what it
I can keep my peace
and you don't realize how much peace means to you until it's like a million pieces on the floor.
I don't remember every detail of everyone's story in this room but I was the one who
almost drowned herself in the backyard pool.
But I didn't do it because at the time
my son loved eggs for breakfast and I was the only one who knew how to make his eggs
and I didn't want my son to not have his eggs the next day.
But when you're at the point where you've lost your peace
and the only thing saving you is eggs [laughing]
that's a problem. [laughing]
And you better start refusing the things that have taken your peace.
So. Yeah.
--[Tamara] So Mel I just want to say to you
one i'm grateful that those eggs were enough [laughing] [Adrienne] I know that's right!
--[Mel] I can't even eat eggs! --Those eggs were enough literally to save your life! --[Mel] Yeah
--Right so I knew Mel in that season
and I attempted in that season to work with Mel --[Mel] Yeah.
--Around this and I just left her with some words because i'm like she's not ready but i'm
gonna plant the seed and it's up to her to do the rest and I said when will you be tired of being sick and tired don't
keep telling me about it because every time I talked to Mel she had a reason why she was still
in that space cool when you're ready so she needed to take that journey for herself
because I could have just snatched her out right get out go now that wouldn't have been it
it was for her to do the work and know that I needed an exit
and so when eggs save your life just know that it was time for you to get your life a long time ago.
--[Mel] Yeah, yeah. --[Tamara] All right y'all shake your arms out a little bit, it's heavy in the room all right ?
All right, everybody feel the earth under your feet? -[Adrienne] No, I don't. [laughing]
Ohh! [laughing]
Ah I have the word attacked. [heavy sighing]
And I can remember when I was you know my mom didn't raise me my grandmother did you know and
and I can remember that coming up I always felt like I was the black sheep of the family
you know because um my grandmother she did she took good care of me for us
you know buying things and clothes and things like that but that was it teach me how to work
hard and things like that because we had a farm and that was it that was you know but everything
else was was not taught to me you know to be honest so coming up with my sisters and my mom
my sister my they really raised themselves to be honest I'm gonna tell the truth you know
um but I've always felt like I was under attacked by my siblings
always - I didn't ask to be in the place that I was in you know I didn't ask to
be raised by my grandmother I didn't ask for that stuff that was my life you know so I felt like
I was always attacked attacked by them like they didn't really like me
or they were um I think sometimes it was um a little jealous of what you know my grandmother
did for me and they didn't you know whatever but they could have got the same thing and they did
really you know end up not really without because of my
you know my grandparents they just wasn't in the same house you know um
but I feel like I was always up under attack and and I grew up thinking that
you know that um that for whatever reason if I didn't do
what you told me to do if I didn't talk the way you told me you know you tell me to talk
or if I didn't do this or whatever then I felt like I always came up on the attack
from from the situation other person so I'm like everybody else was saying that's when you become
a people pleaser that's right I can remember being married um to a pastor and if I didn't um
raise my hand a certain way or or you know when you you know praying or you're going
to be spiritual, if I do that a certain way you know I come home I had to be upon its attack about
you know why did you do it that way why did you do it that way it was always you know why why why why
you gotta always do that why you always gotta do it this way why you know, why I just can't be me? [ladies agreeing]
And that's how I grew up and I thank god for Adrienne Bell I do
because when I began to talk to Adrienne, Adrienne really she she just she was very straightforward
with me she made me think in aries in my life I never thought before about who I was
and stop letting people attack me or come at me you know like I've done them something wrong
you know and that's and I get it all the time. So I'm a loner I always say I'm a loner
and I've been that way because I'm so afraid of being attacked rejected and all of that
all tied up in it you know so, I love people, I do but I'm also kind of like wait a minute you know
I'm afraid if I say this so now I live in fear about oh if I see it like this they don't look
at me crazy or if I just be you know they're gonna look at me crazy well something to say
you know whatever and that's not always the case for people but if you believe it long enough
and if you hear it long enough that's how you live. So I need the healing of the breaking point
of breaking beyond that you know because I realize in life I have a lot of potential, I have a lot
on the inside of me and because I'm living fear about what people think about me or being attacked
because the way I present myself it would shut me down so I've been shutting down a lot all my life.
I'm shut it down huh a whole lot all right because I can remember when my son was preaching and he
began to tell his testimony that that day brought a lot of men and women to the altar because of
his testimony and he says what people didn't know that as a little kid I would hear my mama scream
I couldn't help her, he said I would go in the closet and want to kill myself
because I couldn't help my mama because I heard the screams, I heard my mama cry.
And so for that I'd rather have other men to be - other men to be my father than my own daddy.
--And there's something I want to tell you um how your your voice and who you are and when I see
you and I hear you I hear the love of god. You have a voice that is calming, serene it's like
it touches the heart so don't ever let anybody tell you different. --[Jennie] Thank you.
--[Tamara] So I just want you to get your paper and write down other people's impression of me
it's not my concern. --[Mel] That's good. --And I want you to live that because if you allow that to guide your
every move then this agreement with being attacked feeling attacked not using your voice remember
what does the book say? The muzzle has been removed don't put it back on so other people's impression
of you is not your concern and I want you to let that be your daily affirmation however many times
you need to remind yourself when you even start to feel attacked even think attack I need you
to take control of your thoughts because your thoughts are the things that will drive your
behavior right and then your behavior will become things and then here we are 57 years later.
[laughing]
--[Tamara] I thought someone would have picked up my card, that's yours baby.
--Used.
Used describes my relationship with my kid's dad my ex-husband
Used. Used for sex used for his own gain. I met my kid's dad when I was in high school we did not go
to school together I was 16 he was 20. And um it was one of those when I met him I had no business
with him, knew I had no business with him but he was intriguing he was um he was suave he was
smooth he was oh my god he likes me because I was the little book smart school girl from the suburbs
and he was the street smart single parent fast talking you know that's what he was
and so we were together for I think like two years before I lost my virginity to him and I knew even
before that it happened that he was sleeping with other girls but my self-esteem at that time
but he's 20. And I don't even think it dawned on me then this is a whole grown man like an adult
he graduated from high school you know before I did but it didn't, I didn't understand
I was being used because he knew that I knew no better he knew I was naive he knew I knew
nothing about the street life he knew that. He did his dirt he cheated um he got locked up. He went to
he went to jail and then he went from county jail he received uh I think a two-year sentence
or something so he went to state prison but I was that ride or die chick, I ain't going nowhere . [laughing]
We gonna do this bonnie and clyde you know. Yeah actually yeah here's the big the big used part
um I got pregnant senior year I was pregnant the day of graduation high school but I didn't
know it because it you know like just happened by the time I was supposed to go away to school
I was like I can't do this I can't handle baby my dad is gonna kill me, I'm not ready to be a mother
I can't do this and he said well you know it's up to you. So after the summer program was over
I got back home and I went and had an abortion and by again by the time I was able to get all
of this stuff done and I'm trying to hide it from my parents because there's no way in the world
I'm going to go tell my parents that I'm pregnant right. It's a two-day procedure um
I'm very traumatized but I blocked it because I had to handle it. I couldn't sit in that, I
knew it was wrong but I couldn't sit in it like oh my god do you really understand what you're doing
it was just like no you gotta go to college you gotta do this you gotta do that again appearance,
judged, um attacked you know all of those things were right there and I was like I gotta do this I gotta
do something, again he was there he was right there he never left. A couple maybe a couple weeks or so
after that situation happened he actually proposed asked me to marry him. Oh my god I'm so excited!
He was still messing around with other girls. He was still doing dirt. He got locked up again.
Bonnie was still there for Clyde, because my self-esteem and I didn't understand I was being
used I just didn't understand that. I didn't understand that I was the comfort place.
I was the rock and I can walk over her like a doormat and she's not gonna go anywhere because
she knows she ain't worth it anyway so why change what's going on? --[Adrienne] Wow! -- And so again this word is so
powerful, because even women I come in contact with have experienced this very thing
yeah but they don't know how to put the voice to it. I feel a sense of empowerment
just right now just because I'm able to say I was used. --Yes so sometimes what happens is
if we get to the point that we can say what actually happened to us we're like oh I'm free
it's over I'm done and oftentimes that is the beginning of the process right ? Now we're no longer
hiding right? We've exposed um the events that have caused us to experience certain levels of trauma
so once we expose it then there are some steps that we need to take to actually deal with it
it's not enough to just say well I shared my story but do you understand how your
story has impacted your life? Do you understand what you needed to go through in order to get
better?
--I would pick this word. [women laughing]
[women laughing]
--So um the word I picked up was heartbroken. [women gasping]. -- See what I'm saying, I don't need that.
[women laughing]
Um when you grow up you never as a kid you you never you can't play the situations over
in your mind the things that you would go through. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher so at
sixth grade graduation we all held up the sign for teacher and we wrote out what it means to us right
and that was one of the things I always I dreamed of. I had so many aspirations and as I began to
grow and learn through life it just seemed like everything was one heartbreak after another.
Not growing up with my biological father or his family was detrimental and it was detrimental
for the simple fact that as a as a little girl you want to feel the love of your father
I believe that because uh um,
I had some some type of some it's like innate where I loved photography I was
good with photography I was very creative my mother's not that way
and when I met my biological father I learned that he was great with photography
so there were certain things that I feel now that as a child growing up because I reminded my mother
of him she resented me and treated me in certain types of ways that she didn't treat my sister um
and that was heartbreaking. With my dad my dad that raised me I literally clung to him if he
was waking up on the Saturday morning which is why I that's probably why I'm an early riser
I would literally wake up and be ready because I knew he was going to go get his hair cut and
we were going to go to Queens he was getting his hair cut and I'm going to ride with him
and I would do that faithfully and then there would be certain times where
my mother would beat me to it because the car was only a two-seater so only two of us really
could go. When he would go out to Queens and stuff we always would visit the family and everything
so when the family would see that I wasn't with him they'd be like oh you took her seat
and my mother would get upset because she don't have a seat. Like okay.
So when you grow up like that where you feel like you're constantly
at odds it's heartbreaking.
And I'm a fighter but I'm not a fighter right? Because I don't enjoy war but I can go to war so....
And I had to learn that because I was constantly warring but not because I wanted to but because
of the situations that I was in I was put in and one of the biggest things I
always wanted to defend was my heart and I wanted to protect my heart but every
time I try to protect my heart I kept getting broken, so it was like at every turn you're
you're breaking and as an adult, I didn't want to break [crying]
I didn't want to break. I'm sorry. I can't break. [crying] --[Tamara] It's okay you can break, you can break.
You have permission to break. --I, um...
'Cause my ex broke me and I fight against that every day because I didn't want to break
so I stood and everybody judged me because I stood because I said he won't break me
he can't break me but he broke me. And I didn't want to experience that breaking
and every day I fight the breaking. [crying] I lost my baby, that that broke me and broke me broke me
down, it broke me down, it broke me and broke me and broke me and broke me broke me, it's breaking.
And i laugh, I joke because that's the only thing I know how to do. I hate
when you gotta fight for people to respect you when you gotta fight for love you gotta fight
the only thing you know how to do is be joyful.
That's the only thing you know how to do because then everything breaks you, everything,
everything breaks you every day, every, everything. --[Tamara] I said to Nikiya I need you to allow your heart to
break. Because I need you guys to sometimes sit in the pain of your brokenness.
When we keep covering it up and covering it up and then we're like but why can't I heal lord?
Why are you not helping me? You're not in the place you're not in a place where healing can begin.
This is the place right? You're here now you said I don't want to break but you're broke and it's safe.
It was safe here to do it to allow it. The therapist cries right now you know
the therapist cries right? We're taught to you know hold it holding hold it right that's just
how we're trained in the profession but that's not who I am and so when I need to be vulnerable
I'm okay and I'm present with that moment so I thank you for sharing, I thank you for
feeling safe enough to break with us [ladies agreeing] and to openly say I'm broken. I've been around here
chanting, ranting, raving doing all this but I'm broken and I need help because now your healing
can start, now your sisters know how to support you [ladies agreeing] and you don't have to do that anymore.
You don't have to cover up anything. I'm broken and that's it yeah that's enough.
Thank you for sharing.
--[Candice] Judged.
Just growing up and um you know how you I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture I grew up in a single home.
My dad you know he was abusive and that's how hearing y'all's stories it does bring
back memories. I came like right in on the end with my mom. Me and my brother like 15 months apart and they were barely married
two years give or take and so I didn't see everything that happened with my mom
but I saw how he was with my sister's mom so I can only imagine what my mom went through. I was
a mama's girl and so when you know you're always under your mom and you know you hear things all
of them not good let's be honest and so it was always something negative oh well your daddy did
send your daddy dad and at a young age you know I didn't really see anything it didn't bother me
but when you constantly hear that you started to believe that so the more I heard it the more I
didn't want to have anything to do with my dad Imma just be honest you know and so in a sense
I was you know judging him and so and granted the desires of my heart are to be married or to
have kids but the reason why I can say that I'm not is because I saw my mom struggled
I saw my mom sacrifice us and it's like you know she did what she had to do that's why
it's like I have so much admiration for my mom and no I don't tell her all the time
but my mom she was on her business as a mother and a lot of mothers aren't let's be real a
lot of mothers aren't, but her example it set the tone for me to when I do have kids to be
the the model mom or not perfect because of course my mom wasn't perfect but don't take
for granted the gift of being a mother because nowadays so many mothers do. --[Adrienne] That's true. -- Okay [sighing]
[laughing]
--Okay. Rejected...umm.
For me when I think of rejection the only person that pops up is my mama. Uh mom, I don't
I've always been open that me and my mom don't click [laughing] but uh I think I started doing things
I think I started to believe what she was telling me. She was always telling me I was rebellious
you know you're the middle child you do what you want to do and for me that was a badge of honor
that I didn't follow people but to her it always when she said it it was like I was a bad person
from not doing it her way so uh when I got older I've always felt like it was a controlled thing.
She felt like she couldn't control me so she made me feel you know, a way.
So she accepted my brother and my sister because she could control them but she rejected me because
she couldn't. --[Tamara] Do you remember the first time that you felt rejection from her? How old were you?
--I probably was more aware of it around 15 but I felt it at 18 when I left. When I left I
definitely saw it like you gonna do it your way when I told you to stay so now, do it all the
way. It was no assistance it was nothing. --[Tamara] Do you see rejection playing out anywhere in your life
in your relationship with your own children? --Oh yeah I don't, I don't even really have uh
like I hear stories about how people just be like oh my babies my babies and I'll just be like oh
yeah they're cute all right go over there um I just don't...
I don't know, I don't have that attachment uh like some people do and we were we were like
self-sufficient kids that's another thing. I never really necessarily had the nurturing
that thing, I've always kind of been like things are what they are you know. I don't do the
babying thing really well, I don't, I don't have that thing. I love my kids
because we didn't hang with my parents like that they were never in the same space anyway so it was
I didn't have that one-on-one thing and it was just none of that so I don't have that to really
give. I don't think I caught on to being a mother until I had my third child, I don't want her to
feel rejected because I don't, I didn't know how to do it. I just don't. --[Tamara] So I think that's the place
where you might need to do a little bit of work a little bit of deeper work in terms of are you
ready and willing to break the cycle? It's never too late to establish something new with your
children right? And so because you didn't get the attachment and the nurturing thing
until your third child your first two kids are already probably into the repeat of the cycle and
so in order for you to disrupt you have to create something new yeah but in order to break the cycle
of rejection because you're getting ready to be your grandma right? -[Angel] Yeah. --Yeah and so if you don't
get it together yeah remember your grandchild you may you know display that same thing and
there's a different role for grandmothers right they are all of that and so it's important to be
able to exhibit that to your kids and so then shift how your generation looks for the future.
--[Teresa] Controlled. [sighing]
--Controlled for almost 25 years.
In a very manipulative way. --[Mel] Yeah.
--Control to to having a relationship in which
you felt like you were at the bottom. You were the last person
that was important. Control to the point of don't go to church because
you don't need to go. Control because why are you singing there's a lot of people singing up there
they don't need you. I couldn't have children on my own because I had cancer when I was 28
and they had to remove my uterus, and I always thought that I wasn't going to have children.
My social worker knocks on my door and she said Teresa sit down
get a piece of paper, and I said okay and she gave me three names
and the ages, one girl three years, old another girl two years old, and a little boy nine months old.
[ladies gasping] God was waiting for my little boy to be born
Once I got my kids I thought that this was going to go away
because I thought that the reason why this was happening was because I was never able to give
him a child that's what I thought all the time and that's one of the reasons why I felt so
low and my self-esteem was so low because I didn't feel I was a woman enough for him because
I couldn't give him the thing that he wanted. After I moved out with the kids he brought his nephew
which I saw him grow ever since he was four years old and I knew that this boy was going to be trouble.
And he brought him to live with him because he thought that he could fix him.
When I am at church on a prayer night that I usually don't go because I had the kids
and that night I said to my friend let's go let's go to prayer night tonight at 12 midnight we
start praying for for the for our children and for protection for our children. At one o'clock
in the morning the lord tells me go home. I see my phone and I see two missed calls from my ex.
When I try to hear a voice message that his aunt left me, I started shaking, I grabbed my keys
and I drove as fast as I could. And I go in there and I said to the police officer where are my kids?
And she said I don't know, and when I look inside the house all I see is blood on the floor.
When I see my exes aunt coming out of the house and I said where are the kids? So she started
explaining to me that the nephew um was listening to foul music and my ex came and told him to turn
it down because the kids were there, um when he told him no and my ex just closed his laptop
he just jumped on him with a knife and started to stab him in front of the children.
When we were praying for protection at 12 midnight this was what happened. My oldest girl
grabbed the other two and she hides them in the closet. My ex didn't want to call
the police because it was his nephew, then he called the neighbor to take him to the hospital
and he leaves the kids in the house with him. That young man comes out of the house
with a smile of the devil. I had never seen the devil so real like the face of that kid.
The officer comes with me through the house and I have never seen anything in my life. Everything
was broken, there was blood everywhere. I see my little kids and they were mommy we were praying
for you to come and get us! But I knew that at that moment god had saved my kids and protected them
but that's one of the reasons why god told me escape for your life. --[Adrienne] Wow. -- Because if i would
have been in that moment in that house, I don't know what would have happened.
--[Tamara] You stayed in a controlling situation
waiting for god to move on his behalf but he didn't want god to move on his behalf.
And so god needed to work with you and he needed to speak to you and say escape that's your only exit.
So thank you for being able to heed the voice of god
to know what you need to do and I'm sure you were scared out of your mind but you did it anyway and
I'm so grateful that you live to tell the story [ladies agreeing] and to share with us to impact women to know
because domestic violence is very real [ladies agreeing] and women need to know no matter how long it's been
no day is ever too late unless it's the day that they take your life.
[music playing]
--[Tamara] When we start to talk about these things the brain will start to process the trauma
and it will start to connect things that have happened in the past to things that are happening currently.
If we don't heal we're going to pass that thing down to our children to their children and we'll see it manifests in so many different ways.
--[Adrienne] Everybody got rocks?
[ladies chatting]
[wind howling]
--[Tamara] All right so ladies you can drop the rocks, drop the rocks. I just need each person take 10 seconds
and tell me what you thought the purpose of the exercise was. --At first I was like what the hell
am I holding these rocks for but then after just clowning about it I realized that it's
a lot of weight that we carry and until we decide to drop it is when things are changed.
--I thought it was to see how long we were going to carry it. -- Um I thought about how there were
different number of rocks in each bag one was um had more rocks than the other and I was just
thinking about balance. -- I was thinking more about the weight because I heard a few people saying
that they were too heavy but mine weren't that heavy so I was like okay i'm just gonna wait and
see when are they gonna tell us to put them down. --Why are we holding them when we don't have to?
--I was very, I was actually uncomfortable putting them down because you know, that's life, but I put them
down because I heard everybody say well what if it's about putting them down? --Well at first I was
thinking like okay why are we holding these rocks um and then I thought and I said it out
loud I said they don't belong to me so why am I carrying this these rocks? --What kind of attitude
do we have when we are carrying something or when we going through something? --I automatically thought
rock of ages care for thee let me hide myself in me. --I saw this as a trust building exercise
where it says upon this rock I built my church and so even though I didn't know what the next set of
instruction was I just centered myself focused on my breathing remained calm. -- Nikiya had it best
in terms of the purpose of the exercise was for you guys to decide we have to make a decision and
we don't need permission from anyone else to put down things that hurt us. I said to hold the rocks.
I never told you that you couldn't put the rocks down. I never told you any other instruction other
than that because I wanted to give you free will to do what you felt you needed to do for you.
How long will we carry pain before we make a decision? So Miss Jennie was the first person to identify
we can put them down but Miss Jennie didn't put hers down right because there was not a collective yes.
You guys were focused, Sound was completely in the experience but to hold the pain. To hold the pain.
So this is about understanding when it's time right I can drop this I don't have to do this
I refuse to continue. So the next part of this exercise is you wrote some things on some paper
which should be fresh in your mind. I want you to open up the rocks and I want you to pick
out the rocks that represents the weight of those things that you wrote on your list.
[bags crinkling] [music playing]
--When you guys have the rocks that you need
please drop the bag. [rocks hitting ground]
I want you guys to think about what you wrote on the list,
think about the pain that you've endured from that. Think about where you've held that pain
in your body and you're going to turn behind you you're going to walk over
and when you're ready you're going to release the pain by throwing the rocks.
[music playing]
It's your job to take the tools that we give and build a house. Now if you choose to build
a house with your hand which we know is very impossible then what can we do right? We can't
do anything so we can only provide you with the things that you need but you must do the work.
--At one point I wanted to ask for more instruction and I also wanted to ask if we could put them down
but I didn't and that's something that is a reflection upon me because I'm
always seeking permission and there's a quote that I learned from Lisa Nichols about stop
giving permission and start serving notice and that's something I need to be more active
actively applying every day. I was raised to not do anything unless I was given permission to do so
there was that fear of not being given the permission to do so and so I didn't.
--I want to be transparent okay. We're holding something oh I'm holding something that I'm not supposed to be holding
you know because once I saw you just looking you know I start looking at it through a different
view and now here's the transparency of it is that when I said that I want to put them down
and I picked them back up and so many times in our lives we look for affirmation you know from people
you know to see what other people want to do or either people just bring the pain on you know
see what they say about it and I purposely found the biggest black rock I could find in my bag
you know and to me that rock represent darkness of all the darkness that the pain brought in no
matter which direction it came from it's still in the one big dark space in my life
you know so I threw the old Jennie aboard over with all the darkness and I want the new Jennie. [ladies agreeing]
--I'm a carrier so because I'm a carrier I carry everything. I thought going into this that one of
the biggest rocks I would have picked up to get rid of was rejection because i dealt with that
um but it wasn't. Uh I literally had to look up the definition of invalidation
and when you look it up it means to make less official to make less true.
That is the biggest thing that I deal with is feeling invalidated because I have, I have a big
issue. I do not complete tasks. I do not complete assignments. I literally for the last nine years
have had one class to finish to get my degree and have yet to do that. Invalidation.
I literally, on my job...
I need certain certification and I will be the one
I will research all the information get all information gather it. Put that over there.
I've been supposed to be writing the second book for the last year.
Can't do it. And all of that sums up in validation
because everything starts and stops and I feel less official. You said pick up pick up the rocks right
so when I looked into one bag I had all these rocks they were real heavy in that bag.
So then I added some more from the other bag and put them in that bag because invalidation is so
heavy for me. I had to literally refill the bag and I said see these little ones right here, I dealt
with rejection, I dealt with feeling used, I've dealt with feeling disrespected, i dealt with being
judged, one thing no one ever can do is control me, I've dealt with being attacked. That stuff
didn't hold no weight outside of invalidation and being heartbroken so I said this one bag is going
to represent everything so every single rock in this bag is going to represent invalidation
and being heartbroken so I'ma throw all these rocks these little rocks right here this is
just going to be the reminder of everything that I made it out of. You can't use me no
more, you can't disrespect me no more, you can't reject me because i don't even hold on to that.
That is why I'm here because I, I cannot move forward in life feeling like I'm less than.
I can't and I told Adrienne I said I'm tired of these narcissistic people coming into my
life and Adrienne said but why? Why do you think they coming? For the life of me I didn't get
it but I get it now why they come in my life and it's because of this feeling of invalidation
and being just heartbroken. Like I was married before like my mom and dad have no idea I was
married before, I hid that very well and when I married him he was in jail. You feel invalidated
you're gonna do some crazy stuff. And he was supposed to come home April 24 2010.
When he didn't come home April 24th in 2010 and them cops literally harassed me, followed me,
pulled me over, pulled guns on us, I ain't never in my life, felt so less than. Ever.
I didn't understand the weight of uh invalidation until today.
I'm like now I'm like oh the rock has been thrown therefore I can't walk in that no more.
So I got to do my little one class to get this good degree [ladies cheering]
I got a lot to do [ladies agreeing] but I'm gonna do it now.
--[Adrienne] And we're gonna hold you accountable and get all of us as a tribe.
--I'm one of those people if I'm given a task I just to me, I have to see it through. Like literally
I would have been the person still out there freezing to death
holding them because I committed to doing it so I would have just literally held them um...
I will say when we went to finally get rid of them um the rock that I held onto
the one that I labeled was the rejection [crying]
That was my word from earlier. And I gave my surface answer
but I realized not right in that moment more like after it was over that what I actually
reject is emotion, which is why I don't react to things like other people um and It's a choice
because I associate emotion with pain not pleasure even though I know there's pleasure in emotion.
I don't like it, I don't like going there. This morning when I realized we were doing this
I was in the mood, I didn't want to dig. And I apologize to anyone that noticed it.
I was very closed off uh I was present you know and I definitely participated and none
of it was fake but I didn't go as deep as I know I could have because I don't like this,
I don't like this. I don't like the way I feel um when I do stuff like this. I don't even know how to
really receive it. I don't like it. I associate emotion
with pain that's the best way I can explain it. I don't want to attach.
It's because I'm not allowing myself to feel it so...
I held it for a while and I let it go because I decided that I just don't want to be that way anymore.
I want to be emotionally available.
So I can go where I'm supposed to go and do what I'm supposed to do.
--[Tamara] So i just want us to be present for Angel at this moment and I just want you to
feel whatever you feel and know that you're safe with us without rejection
and know that you're okay you're safe. --We carry things that we are not supposed to be carrying.
When she says that sometimes we put them down and sometimes we pick them up again because that's
our nature especially us women we we tend to be the caregivers the the ones that take care of
everybody but themselves and we take, we tend to be the problem solver in the house and we
carry those and take them back instead of leaving them down and setting ourselves free.
🎵 Walk inside your strength, yeah, yeah, don't let know one hold you back again.🎵
--[Tamara] So Jondahlyn how does it feel and what does it mean to you to be a part of the fearless storytellers?
--Wow so um first of all i'd say about a year more ago no more than a year ago I just wouldn't even
believe that i'd be in this place because um to be a part of this movement with women who
can understand part of my story and joining with a tribe that is fearlessly telling their story
removing the muscle - the muzzle gave me permission to say guess what? I do have some broken parts of
my life but it doesn't make up the whole of me. So joining the movement and being able to write it
and then share it with the world it's a freedom. I feel like I can finally breathe. So my
chapter in the book is called the rebound chick --The rebound chick? --The rebound chick. --Okay.
-And um it's not as most people would suppose but in my story I really just
take you through a journey of how I grew up a pastor's kids we were taught how to talk
how to speak how to dress how to walk and all things were basically scripted. So I talk in the
story about how most of my life I felt like I was on stage. I felt like I was a performer.
I felt like I had to be perfect in order to be accepted. I learned how to be a servant leader.
I learned that everything was about serving others but i'll be honest I was never taught to give
myself oxygen first. I wasn't taught that I was important so what I did, I got involved in these
relationships where I thought my job was to serve in these relationships these marriages because
I had multiple marriages two, failed marriages, I thought that my job was to be their Jesus to save
them because I did not like all of the seasons of my parents marriage. Once they got what they needed
they you know they were gone they didn't need me anymore and so I was broken I didn't know what
to do. --So let me ask you this because there was times when it wasn't working out right?
And you reached out to some of your sisters you reached out to Adrienne as a matter of fact and
Adreinne simply told you, I'm not praying for this this foolishness. I will not be participating.
Do you remember that moment? --Do I remember it i'll never forget [laughing] --Talk to me about that.
So Adrienne, I reached out to Adrienne when I was in what I call the belly of the whale. My marriage was
completely falling apart. I could not make that man love me the way I thought that I should be loved.
And so I reached out to her now mind you when I reached out to her not really realizing it but
I was still in that vein of being on stage you know? No one must know that i'm a hot mess and
i'm completely falling apart and it moves me to tears because when I think about how I reached out
to give my you know spirit-filled deeply spiritual plea for help but even when I did that with Adrienne
I pre-wrote my speech to just pour my heart out to her to ask for help um and for
her to serve in my life to just help pray for my marriage to work and she shut me all the way down.
[laughing] And she said i'm not praying for that, that's foolish. But when I tell you
after she shut me down...
and I began to pray for her, I know that it was god because
I couldn't shake her, I couldn't shake her, and I was like I have to reach back
out to her because i'm still dying. I was still literally dying, I wanted to
commit to, I wanted to kill myself but I was so spiritual but something kept leading me to her.
And I reached back and I had to allow her to speak into my life and I know that was
god because normally I was shutting my own mother down. She was trying to advise me
that I was operating in pride she told me that. My mother told me you're operating in pride and
idolatry because you are worshiping this drama this man and you would not allow god to break you.
Now it was easy to shut my mother down but when I allowed Adrienne to speak into my life
we stayed on the phone [crying] and this is the sacrifice she made for me which is why I love her so deeply.
And I know that she was sent straight from heaven. She labored long with me. She stayed on that phone
and she would not let me go [crying]. I was literally sitting in the driveway of my parents house
and it was nighttime. She stayed on the phone with me literally from the going down of one day
to the rising of another. [laughing] I saw the sun set and rise again, she labored with me and she called out
all these things that my mother had already for- told to me. She told me I needed to ask god to
forgive me for operating in pride, I needed to go basically rededicate my life because i'm
worshiping the situation and the very god that I ministered to the world about is the very god
I did not believe could do it for me. --When I saw the opportunity to become a storyteller I thought
about the different stories that kept me engaged and that brought life to my imagination and so I
felt that if I wrote my story in third person I would be able to share that artistic expression
that I so enjoy myself, also as a thriver of domestic violence I wanted to continue my
healing process in my journey and so I felt that first person would keep me really connected to the
events that happened and so not to disassociate myself but to just continue in that healing vein.
I felt that third person would allow me to step outside of myself and see myself through
the journey to continue my healing process and to encourage others to heal as well . --[Tamara] You call yourself
a domestic thriver and not a domestic violence survivor. Why such a significant difference?
--Yes so when I was in a survivor phase of the situation I was just making it day to day.
I was always on edge. I was always looking over my shoulder just trying to figure out what I
needed to do in that moment. When I was surviving I was never fully present. I was always stressed
and that was not a way for me to live. So once I, once I realized that I could move past that phase
I said you know what, it's time for me to live and to thrive. So in thriving i'm able to just be
spontaneous to find joy in the situation and even when I have to recall the details of what happened
to me i'm no longer stressed and I no longer have the trauma in my cellular memory because
I have released it and I can continue to grow and to bloom and to soar. Just look at yourself
and see yourself being whole because you have children who are looking to you for their strength
however you're unable to help anyone until you help yourself.
[music playing]
--[Tamara] Good morning ladies. So last night you guys were given an assignment and the assignment was
for you to write a letter to your sister and the purpose of this assignment is for bonding
for women to be able to display to the world that we can develop sisterhood
from people individuals and other women who we don't know whom we've never met but we shared
the same story. --[Mel] To my dearest sister Miss Jennie. It has been an absolute honor to have met you.
[crying] I just love your spirit because I think of you as a butterfly. When a butterfly gets ready to leave
it's outgrown its present circumstance. It has to struggle. It has to fidget
and it has to squirm. It has to agitate the walls of the cocoon until eventually
the walls will break. Starting next year you are going to begin your process of release and emerge
and i'm so excited to see the butterfly that you're becoming I love you very much. You got this.
--Dear Candice, reading your story made me realize how much we have gone through
that are similar situations that connects us to be relatable to each other. I always felt rejected
by my dad. Before I was born he had my older brother
and three sisters. After all these years I have prayed and asked god for healing.
Take refuge in his love when those dark days come. Know that
your father is waiting for you with open arms. When I see you, I see joy. When I see you, I see laughter.
When I see you, I see a fearless storyteller I can call my sister. --Thank you so much, thank you.
--I needed that so much. --Dear fearless storyteller movement sister Chelsia.
Your angle of love has come from pure passion and pain. My heart breaks
that just like mine, your first sweetie was a cheater. I am so sorry he had so many children
outside of your union. Thank you for giving yourself the permission to love and love again.
When children see their mothers happy and loved it gives them hope of a brighter future.
It allows them to see that even after bad breakups love can prevail.
Losing a loved one is never easy especially a spouse so i've been told. I am so sorry you were
widowed at such a young age. When you have thoughts of negativity and defeat it's okay to talk it out
write it out and shout it out. But you do not have permission to stay there. You do
not have permission to live there. You are more than a conqueror. Your children are more than
conquerors. At the end of the day god is love and your story is your glory. You are an amazing mother.
--Thank you. --Love you.
--To my dear beloved sister Chris aka Mama Chris. I can relate as I have
spent a great portion of my life hiding behind the veil of shame and heartbreak
your soul and your voice was once silenced although you were screaming to the top of
your lungs on the inside but it was as if no one heard you. Your innocence was taken from you
and you were used even as a sex object. These experiences took you to a deeper depth into
exclusion, into feeling like an outcast from your family, from your friends, from your community.
The stigmas that were set by your family must have added to those feelings of unworthiness
and low self-esteem. I want you to know my sister that every negative secret,
sexual violation, abuse and shame, they do not define the whole of who the beautiful you
is. You are a part of the beautiful rainbow that makes up all of god's creation. I love you. --Love you too.
--To my dearest sister girl, Sound Whisdom. Holy his dominion. I'm so glad you have finally used your
voice that you have decided to stand and no longer walk in shame of life's decisions that
carried you on this journey of healing, declaring and decreeing, coming out of agreement with that
which was meant to destroy you and your voice. You didn't deserve to be abused, to be used, to
be shamed. You didn't deserve for you to feel as if love should hurt. Great men and women are born
for the time in which they are needed the most. You are yet still here because you are needed the most.
You my sister have moved forward and continue to allow the light of god
to shine through you. Until all have heard, Sound Whisdom, sound glory, sound praise, sound mind,
sound everything. You have been made whole. You my dear, have been made whole. --Love you. --Thank you.
--Dear Jondahlyn, as we discussed last night this project introduced us to each other a little
over a year ago. I met you just two days ago and my first impression of you was love. I feel that you
are a lover of people. Without me saying a word our first encounter consisted of you with open arms
giving me a hug. No shade as little as you are, you have and give hugs that are two times your size.
This to me equates your big heart. So yes sister you are a performer, however over the last two days
in my eyes it has been a positive performance. You bared your heart and cried tears that
equate strength. Your crazy musical ad-libs and sayings are hilarious. Most importantly
your personality exhibits to me that you aren't a standoffish individual.
So my sister my advice to you and suggestion is that you keep
performing positively. And I absolutely positively love you. --Awe love you, thank you.
--Dear Mel, when I think of you the words that come to mind is compassion and humility.
I think of you choosing to cry later as if your pain was not important enough to show
but in the midst of you putting yourself lower for others
you forgot that you cannot pour from an empty cup. You must always, always take care of you.
Your transparency is unmatched. You never speak as if you're going to hold anything back.
Instead you show total vulnerability. You gave your pain and desperation a voice.
You spoke to it not allowing it to break you even though you felt that you were very lost.
We all know that god shielded you on that day that you felt that you didn't want to live
anymore but your free will did kick in, and even though you saw eggs as your reason to survive,
the eggs for me symbolize something else. Eggs do one of two things under pressure.
They can either get very hard or they can break and become soft. After what life has shown you
you could have gotten really hard but instead you allowed yourself to be broken open and softened up.
You use that openness and softness to finally begin healing and also being a blessing for others.
You are such an amazing mother. I know that just from the look in your eyes when you speak of them
whether you're talking about brownies or using the pot it is a lot of joy when you
speak of your children. I admire that so much about you. You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of joy. You are worthy of peace and your sanity. Something tells me from here on out
the only tears that you will be crying will be from joy and not pain. Love Angel.
--My dearest Teresa.
Wow, you did it! You have a global platform.
And god used your brokenness to thrust you years into your future.
People will seek you out trying to find out how did you do this.
I feel and see god's heart when I hear your words.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for sharing. Your story and everything you shared will
spring the traps of an exponential number of women who have felt trapped, they feel trapped
waiting for god to fix someone who doesn't even want to be fixed.
You give them hope. You are a light to a darkened path. You help them see they can trust god with
everything they're going through. I even looked at god's faithfulness in your battle with cancer.
You're still standing. You still got to have your beautiful children. They are yours.
You are an amazing young lady. You are beautiful and set apart for an amazing ground-breaking ministry.
I believe and I agree with you and your vision to be a mother to mothers .
Finally I want to apologize to you for every wrong you were subjected to
and had to bear and go through. I love you. Thank you for all you do. [crying]
--To my sister Angel, the door has opened. The place of defeat
and the you don't matters in life have been pushed to the side.
This significant weekend has been just what you needed to move forward forward in so many areas.
Yesterday's breakthrough was phenomenal for you. As I watched you share with us I literally could
see the shackles being unlocked and falling off of you. I believe it shifted your essence.
Congratulations on the start of your next chapter. I speak strength to you. I speak
life over you and all god has for you. I speak to the little girl who missed out on mommy.
I can relate to these feelings because my mommy was there but she also was not always present.
Emotionally I missed her. As a woman and mother yourself, those moments you did not receive growing
up deeply affected you though you might not have recognized or realized it. As you signed in my book
women are amazing and resilient. How true that is. You are living proof of those very words.
As mothers we both can lean on each other not just for accountability but laughter
and emotional support. Congratulations on the next leg of your journey with fearless love and faith, Chelsia.
[crying]
--Mama Chris.
-- [laughing] oh oh.
--I'm coming to you...
as a grandmother.
I'm so sorry I didn't show your mom love and I didn't show you love.
I give you everything, every part of me I give to you. I love you so much. I did wrong by your mom.
I wasn't fair to her. But she didn't know my story, and you didn't get my whole story.
When I found out I was able to speak to you about this,
I asked the lord i'm like lord what should I do?
Now I see you wear bold jewelry. [laughing]
But this comes from a heart of love, my heart to your heart. You place it somewhere
where you can see it every day and you remember, grandma loves me. You remember Chris loves you.
I can't wait for your grand-baby to experience that same love.
That love is so deep that you have. You have the gift of love and people need it.
People need it. I hope you receive my love. I hope you really receive it that you
understand it's from heaven, it's a godly thing. I love you mommy, you know it's sweetie.
--Oh, oh [laughing]
--Hi daughter.
As your mother,
i'm asking that you forgive me.
Forgive me. You see I,
I know that I was too busy and I know I put a lot of things
seemed like in front of my children.
In my mind I was just trying to make it. I was trying to survive.
And the truth be told I think I was burying my own self from my own past as well.
So I want you to forgive me that I didn't show you the love that you so desperately needed
and not only just the love that you so desperately needed, the genuine,
the genuineness of a mother that was always there for her daughter no matter what.
And i'm so sorry and ask you to forgive me that I did not receive you for who you were.
To who god created you to be, realizing that you were different than all my children,
and that you was a true gift and also that you were so much like me.
So I ask you to forgive me. I ask for you to give me another chance.
I know I may not have arrived in so many areas but I want you to pray for me. I didn't know what
love really was so by me not knowing, i didn't know how to give it, for real, for real I didn't know.
So I need you maybe to show me through your children and through your grand-baby.
Because I believe and I know that you love them and I don't want you to be like me.
I don't want you to be like me daughter, I don't! Because you didn't deserve it!
You didn't deserve it but I didn't know no better because I didn't know how.
You understood, and I believe you held all that pain in for me and all the disappointments for
me, but I don't want you to do that no longer. I want you to be free because you deserve to be free.
So from this point on I want you to love your children.
I want you to give them what I didn't give you. I want you to redeem the time
allow the lord to redeem the time for you as I pray one day that you redeemed the time for me.
I need that. I need you to be in my corner, because truth be told I feel like I have nobody in my corner.
Nobody really understands me either . Because I do love you. I do love you.
And I believe that yet you are my strongest child. I believe that you were my chosen child. Please forgive me. [crying]
Wow. Dear Nikiya. Where do I begin?
Let me start by saying wow again.
You exude strength power and determination. As I reflect on your story
I see someone who simply wanted to be loved.
That was me.
Believe in all the lies you were told just so we could be.
Denying the truth just to be with him.
Hanging up your self-esteem, your self-worth,
your self-love just to be past Nikiya. The care assuming the role of the five-minute wife believing
it was all in fun. Losing sight of you in order not to fail. The devastation of losing your child
while he was ignoring your calls and spending time sleeping with and impregnating other women.
Being in so much pain and turmoil that you intended to end your life.
Sister i'm so glad that you survived. I'm glad you regained the strength to love you again
and move away from things which didn't make you feel good and that weren't good for you
For every heartache you endured, i'm sorry.
I'm sorry that your father set you up to seek after men who were just like him. You deserve
to be loved valued and cared for by him. I'm sorry that you're that you ignored you for him.
I'm sorry that shame guilt and embarrassment pushed you to the edge.
When I first read your story I saw a pattern of me.
I can relate so much to your story all the way down to being married to an abusive pastor.
So with that I felt your pain.
After meeting you I saw a strong determined woman to get her soul back. I'm so proud of
you in this whole circle of wanting to be free from heartache deception and just wanting closure.
I believe you were set free, healed and delivered, from all the demons
that has haunted you from your past. Break. Broken. Brokenness. Wow, what a moment.
I would never forget your transparency in that moment where you were allowing
yourself to be broken. It was your time. It was your time. It was your time, to be set free.
You are bold enough to go against the grain
of what the world would have said that you would be damned to hell for.
But you did it anyway. So you set the motion for others to speak
against that which keeps them bound.
You are a phenomenal woman, full of love, that you have not totally released yet.
Yes I know laughing out loud we bumped heads a little bit.
But you are my sister that I never had. I love it.
I also love you for who you are. Love your fearless storytelling sister, Jennie. I love you
--Thank you so much. [crying]
--[Jennie] Thank you for the release lord, thank you Jesus. [coughing]
--[Tamara] Yes God! Yes! [ladies chanting] [chair crashing]
[ladies chanting] [speaking in tongues]
[ladies screaming]
[chair crashing] [ladies yelling]
[ladies yelling] --[Nikiya] Thank you! Thank you God!
--We have a tagline where we say take care of your soul and I always tell people when you're
talking about the soul it's the five areas of the soul: the mind, the will, the imagination,
the emotion and the intellect. Sometimes we we take care of the feeling of what happened to us
we don't actually care for the soul.
[music playing]
-[Tamara] Ladies we have come to our final exercise. You're going to take the words that were selected
and all of the events the traumas the tears that were attached to those words
you will now burn those in the flames.
--I will not be controlled. --I will no longer reject any emotions. --I will no longer be used by
anyone. No one will put me to shame. My new affirmation is freedom. --The shame is gone.
I can hold my head up high. I am no longer invalidated. I do matter. --I will no longer allow
the disrespect that i've experienced on many levels to make me lose respect for myself.
--I will no longer allow myself to be attacked
physically nor emotionally and I believe that the lord is my avenger. -- I am not rejected. I am loved.
I will not live by the opinions of others and allow their judgment to dictate the decisions
of my own destiny. --The only one that will be able to use me is god and no one shall ever be able to
cause me to be heartbroken, with this word that I have hidden in my heart, therefore that means
god is within me. -- Most importantly controlled by what others think about me when at the end of
the day it doesn't matter, it's what god says, I have been forgiven redeemed and restored.
--I come out of agreement with being judged. For being different. For being smart.
For I affirm I am uniquely and wonderfully made.
[ladies cheering]
[music playing]
--Hey y'all so we are back, hi! Hello everyone! Fearless Storyteller Movement.
Yes! Boom! Read it! Read it! --I don't know if you guys will ever understand
what life-changing experience this has been. --So after lumping rejected, judged,
invalidated, controlled, manipulated, disrespected, heartbroken, used, addicted, attacked, shame, it's a fear.
I took the big black rock and I tossed it as hard and as fast as I could. So i'm committed to
winning at all of my relationships the right way. I am a fearless storyteller. I love me.
The muzzle has been removed . --Okay hey guys it's Mel and yes I do have my popcorn because
i'm hungry and I don't like to confess things without a little snack so.
First confession is apparently I cannot make microwave popcorn because this is the second bag
that I burned hitting the popcorn button on the microwave and I just don't know
where I go wrong um but i'm gonna eat it anyway. I have no words of how god can take
a nobody and turn them into a somebody without consulting anybody and I believe that's what he's
done with all of us. That he put us together and he bonded us and we are sealed forever
and together we can make an amazing impact in this world and we are
all dedicated and committed to doing that. So yeah just excited.
🎵 keep believing, dont stop keep achieving. Walk inside your strength.🎵