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♪ Well my daddy always said, ♪
♪ Son you'll have fun when you're drinkin' ♪
♪ With your friends ♪
♪ And everyone takes for granted ♪
♪ These are the best years of your life. ♪
♪ And you know high school sure seemed ♪
♪ Like a joke ♪
♪ When I got to college, I was on my own ♪
♪ Trying to find the best drink ♪ ♪ Specials every night. ♪
♪ And after many nights ♪
♪ With the San Marcos Federalies ♪
♪ Well, I finally figured out ♪
♪ That I should probably keep my mouth shut ♪
♪ Instead of telling 'em what I thought. ♪
♪ You know, I paid the county for many months ♪
♪ Hell, I think I even paid ♪ ♪ The Christmas bonuses once ♪
♪ How I learned what students loans ♪
♪ Were all about. ♪
♪ And it's Taco Bell for breakfast ♪
♪ And for lunch it's Keystone Light. ♪
♪ I'll be out of bed by sundown ♪
♪ Make the party just on time. ♪
♪ Probation's in the mornin' ♪
♪ Herbal tea will do me right. ♪
♪ Look what I learned ♪
♪ In my college life. ♪
♪ Well I decided to major in country music ♪
♪ That's when I found out that I couldn't use ♪
♪ The thirty hours that I managed ♪
♪ to log last year. ♪
♪ And anthropology sure seemed cool to me ♪
♪ But it wasn't included in my degree ♪
♪ And that's when I decided ♪ ♪ To study domestic beer. ♪
♪ Shinerbach it was good to me ♪
♪ Hell, it treated me better than history ♪
♪ And that little blonde I met ♪
♪ in the science lab. ♪
♪ And fraternity life was a change of pace ♪
♪ And it taught me how to get shit faced ♪
♪ And break my failing grades to good ol' dad. ♪
- Why can't we just go to dinner
on Tuesday night?
I told you, I was on call this weekend.
I can't go on Sunday.
- Cody, I don't believe you're on call.
- I have the same job I had
when we were together, Charlotte.
I'm on call some weekends.
- Do you remember the time I caught you lying
about being on call?
- Oh come on, that was just once
and because you tried to drag me
to that stupid baby shower
on a Sunday in January.
- Well once is one time too many.
- Do you know what happens
on Sundays in January, Charlotte?
- Well Becky said that Rick went
to a baby shower.
- Way off Charlotte!
It is football playoff season!
Becky's husband, Rick.
- And they are still happily married, by the way.
Probably because Rick doesn't have some
sick sports obsession like you do.
Football, football, football!
What is football, Cody?
- Football is only the greatest game
ever played, Charlotte.
- [Charlotte] You don't play, you watch.
- [Cody] Watching is a sport.
- What did we do for my birthday last year?
- Don't remember.
- That's because I went out with my friends
so you could stay home and watch the NFL combine.
- Scouting new talent is important.
- And what about our anniversary?
What did we do? Shh, let me save you some time.
Nothing.
You stayed home and watched football all day.
- That is not fair.
I tried to take you out on our anniversary.
- You gave me a one hour window
between the late afternoon game
and the Sunday night game.
Real romantic, Cody.
- Oh my God, he's gonna freaking hate me
when he sees this.
- One day, you're gonna realize
that you should spend less time
on the greatest game ever played,
and more time on the greatest thing
that ever happened to you.
By the way, that's me.
- So that's no to dinner on Tuesday night.
- That's a hell no to dinner on Tuesday night.
- Always fighting with each other, that's crazy.
- He loves her.
- What are you doing?
- Don't see you see it?
- Anyway, oh here he comes, here he comes.
Look over there.
- Vince Ryan?
- Ew, is that Summer?
- She's hondo crackers.
We don't wanna have anything to do with that.
- Hm, where to look.
Decisions, decisions.
- Who you talking too? - She would not go to dinner with me unless,
get this, there's a freakin' game on!
Do you believe that?
- Because she's right.
Football is dumb and immature.
- You're dumb and immature.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's that?
- I'm not sure but , uh,
I don't like the way that kid's looking at me.
- Well, you are wearing a gi to the park.
- I just came from training.
- What like, potty training or?
I don't know if you know this or not,
but you're, I don't know,
O and one and almost 40.
Ooh, I've gotta get that on Snap.
- And more importantly,
junior is still giving me the evil eye.
- I told you to stop it, come on.
- Knock it off.
Seriously, I wanna talk to his mom.
- You're setting yourself up for a snap trap
if you do, just sayin'.
- Near parks, churches, grocery stores.
That's where you meet the grade A honey bait.
- Del, I don't like the way
that kid's looking at me still.
- Sorry about that.
- That's okay.
Next time you should be more careful though,
'cause I coulda been a crazy lady.
- Don't start none, won't be none.
- What's his name?
- His name's Jack.
He's a really good kid
most of the time.
Except for today, apparently.
(sighs) What about you? You have one over here?
- That one over there.
- I'm Lee, it's nice to meet you.
- Cody. Why don't we go grab lunch?
We can continue this adult conversation.
- I don't know about that because I've been
teaching Jack about stranger danger,
and I don't think that would be a very good
scenario for him to see.
Just up and leaving with a stranger.
- I saw you looking at me over there.
This is a black tip belt.
That means I'm a bad, bad man.
I wouldn't look at me like that anymore
if I were you.
You got me?
- You don't look so tough.
Besides, you looked at me first, turd.
- What'd you say?
- I said the turd, turd.
- Look, you little punk kid,
if I weren't so much bigger than you,
- You mean older?
Oldie McOldsen.
- Why don't you shut your face hole?
Run back over there to your super hot mom.
- Don't talk about my mom.
- This belt means I can talk about whoever
I wanna talk about, you scared?
- No.
- You better be.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah. (grunts and groans)
- What is he doing?
Oh my God.
- Caine?
Caine! - [Lee] What is going on here, hey?
- [Jack] He started it.
- [Lee] Geez, serious?
(laughing)
- Man, come on!
- He started it. - No I didn't.
- What is wrong with you?
He's a kid.
- Nice!
I see why your kid is so strong.
(slaps face)
- What is wrong with you?
- Geez.
- You know, you're a real jerk,
trying to mess with a kid like this.
Come on, come on.
- Come on Caine, what's wrong with you?
- Come on, man.
Dude, I was just trying to show him
what happens when you met with a bad
mamma jamma, it's called parenting.
- You're not a bad man. - Yes I am.
Sometimes there's strength in restraint.
- Excuse me. - What is it?
- That lady over there says you tried
to assault her?
- Look at me!
I'm an MMA master.
If I tried to assault somebody,
they'd be dead, D-E-D.
- You threaten her?
- Come on, that witch and her mutt started it.
I didn't do anything.
- That witch is my sister.
- Figures.
- Yeah, I'm taking you in.
- Your whole family are assholes.
Asshole, asshole, asshole.
- Turn around, please.
- [Caine] Oh, come on. - Excuse me, gentlemen,
I saw everything.
Kevin Vaughn, attorney at law.
(dramatic music)
- All right, why do you think
you would be a good fit as the new director
here at the University of Las Colinas?
- I am highly passionate
about not starving to death,
and I think this job would allow me
to accomplish that.
- Yeah, I, I saw that on your resume.
And your goals, you have, uh,
making fat stacks.
Yo.
- Uh huh.
- How are your PowerPoint skills?
- I excel at them.
- (chuckles) Microsoft pun?
- Word.
- (sighs) Alright, so do you have any hobbies
outside of work?
- Actually, uh, I enjoy minding my own business.
Perhaps, you should try it?
- I see.
Look, now one of the things that you're gonna
be required to do on your job
is to recruit new students here
at the University of Las Colinas.
So how are you gonna accomplish that?
- One of my hobbies is magic.
And I play this character called
The Great Randito.
Everybody loves him,
and I think he'll be a highly effective
tool in recruitment.
Did you know that the Earth is actually flat?
(dramatic music)
- It is, huh?
- You should teach a course on that because they
don't want you to know the truth.
(dramatic music)
- Who, who is they?
(dramatic music)
- Them.
- The Great Randiti.
Flat Earth?
Well, I've heard enough.
- So, uh, I guess this is where you tell me
that you have other candidates to interview?
- No, um, this is the part where
I offer you a job.
- Wow!
Gee, I don't know, um,
how many vacation days do I get?
(dramatic music)
- Two words, guys, fake IDs.
- Yeah, but how do we even know
that these IDs are legit?
- Dude, I'm a businessman, okay?
Street cred is important to me.
Can't find a guy like me on Yelp.
- Why are they so expensive then?
- Quality, quality costs money, all right?
- Yeah, but that's a lot of freakin' money, man.
- Imagine this, Friday night,
cheerleaders want wine coolers,
who are they gonna go to?
Anyone?
Anyone, Bueller?
You two knuckleheads,
the guys with the fake IDs.
The men with the fake IDs.
- All right, all right, fine, let's do it.
How does it work?
- I need to see your bills.
I'm gonna make sure the FBI hasn't marked those bills, okay?
- FBI?
- The FBI.
The feds are trying to put guys like me
outta business all the time.
So I'm gonna take the bills to my car,
scan them, if everything checks out,
go to my print shop,
I'll print your IDs, you'll be on your way, okay?
We gonna do this or not?
I got two hours.
525 a piece.
Thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Should we really let him walk off
with the money?
- Yes, dude, think about it.
Walking into the parties with the prettiest girls
on our arms?
Those IDs are the key.
And besides, when we go to college
we can use them, too.
- Big brain Dwayne, right here, okay?
These are more than just fake IDs.
Think of this as an investment in your future.
Okay, stay right here.
I'll be right back.
(rock music)
(tires screeching)
(vocalizing to himself)
- That guy's gonna get his own.
(rock music)
♪ If you got the money honey ♪
♪ I've got your fake IDs. ♪
- Uncle Shawn, some guy just freakin' robbed
me and Ric of all of our money.
(police siren blaring)
(rock music)
- Did I do something wrong officer?
- It's that you match a description of a suspect
that stole some money from a couple of kids.
- No, I've been working all day.
- What's in the bag?
- Sir, you're gonna need a warrant
to touch my sack.
- It looks like money, sir.
You wanna step outta the car?
- Okay, look, it's money.
- Would it happen to be a thousand
and 50 dollars, would it?
- Yes, yes, I had some kids
that wanted to buy fake IDs,
and I was about to turn the money
into the proper authorities,
and now look, here you are.
- Well, one of those kids happens to be my nephew
who said you stole the money from them.
- No, they handed it to me.
Now who are you gonna believe?
Me or a group of delinquents trying
to buy fake IDs?
- So I'm gonna need you to step out
of the vehicle. - Am I being detained or what?
Am I free to go?
- No, you're being arrested.
- Son of a bitch.
(upbeat music)
- Are you kidding me right now?
You tried to buy a freakin' fake ID!
Like please, take your ass upstairs
and do not come back down until you,
- This isn't fair,
you can't keep treating me like this.
I'm almost an adult.
- Well, adults don't buy fake IDs.
So there's that.
I know that I lost my temper at the park,
but you have got to put yourself in my shoes.
I'm a single mom of two kids,
I work 50 plus hours a week.
I am beyond exhausted.
I am beyond stressed.
And there is zero time for me and my own life.
It's just work and kids.
- You heard the kid,
he's almost an adult.
- I know we need to get him off to school, okay?
And I personally would love to go back to school,
but there's just no time.
- You ever thought about the online schools?
I got a buddy of mine that owns one.
- I guess I could give it a look.
(upbeat music)
- Hi, I am The Great Randito,
and I'm gonna make all of your troubles (blows)
disappear, or at least most of them.
Are your parents on your case
about still living at home?
Have you lost your job and your
non-understanding significant other?
Just wants to keep going on and griping
and griping and griping, (loud cluttering).
- Cut!
Cut, what the hell?
That's, that's, that's,
(voice drowned out by loud cluttering)
- Hey dog!
- I'm directing a film here, man!
What's up?
- Okay, all right,
let's get this down.
- Strike.
Strike.
I'm directing a masterpiece here.
Who are you, by the way?
- I'm the guy is paying for all of this.
- I guess you know him then.
I'm taking five.
It's gonna cost you double.
- No, no, it's not ray dog,
it's The Great Randito.
I, I, I gotta stay in character.
(both talking simultaneously)
- Look, I love what I saw.
I mean, - Yeah?
- Yeah, it was, Sunshine Precious, and I,
we just wanted to come by,
and see how the production was going,
and I just wanted to, maybe,
pass off some more copy for you, okay?
So just um,
I mean you can use it if you like.
I mean, maybe,
you could shoot one or two
as The Great Ridicio,
and maybe shoot one or two with this.
- Congratulations, you are not the father.
(upbeat music)
- Are you sure about this guy?
- Yes, he is perfect.
- Yeah, I wouldn't say that.
Um, we really didn't have any other options?
- The Great Randitzi is gonna take this campus
to a whole new level, believe that.
- I, I don't think I do.
(upbeat music)
- Well, thanks for bailing me out again.
- Did you skip the con artist
with the career day at school or what?
- Is it is illegal to stop underage drinking?
Because that's what I was doing.
- You almost sound like you believe that.
Let's not forget who spent nine years
taking online classes from a formally
accredited law school to get their degree.
Now, you're in luck.
I struck you up a plea deal.
Sign it. - No, I'm not gonna sign that.
I'm not guilty.
This is entrapment.
- Listen up, there's a new judge in town
and he has a thing for,
how do you say, you ne'er do wells.
- Sir, it hurts my feelings.
- He wants to get you all off the street
and make you forget that you're members of society.
These kids gave you the money.
The prosecutor has to know this case
could fall apart on the stand.
- Then why are we dealing?
- Because if it doesn't,
you're looking at two to five.
Now two to five over a thousand dollars
is hardly worth it.
- Well it was a thousand 50 dollars,
but that's beside the point.
So what's the deal?
How does this work? - Probation, two years.
- That's it?
- And go back to school.
- School, what?
- Look, it's easy, sign this,
get probation for two years,
go back to school,
get your associates degree.
Make the judge happy.
It's a lot better than gambling
with your freedom.
- Seriously?
School?
Would my attorney like to advise me
on a school to attend to?
- Look at this.
(upbeat music)
♪ The University of Las Colinas. ♪
- Spoiler alert.
(upbeat music)
You, are not the father.
Hi, I'm Randy Austin
with The University of Las Colinas
And I want you to choose success.
Come on down and choose success.
Get a career.
Improve your life.
I'm Randy Austin,
University of Las Colinas,
and I will make this whole
flat world your office.
(upbeat music)
♪ The University of Las Colinas. ♪
- And plus, (paper bag rustling),
think of it as an interest for your loan.
(mumbles)
It's a thousand and 50 dollars in there.
The law says it's yours,
minus my 10% of course, 950 bucks.
Am I the greatest attorney or what?
- Kevin, you're amazing.
- Ah, ah, hey, hey.
What are doing leaving me in jail for 24 hours?
- Wanna know what it is
with Kevin Vaughn clients?
Don't bust into my office.
- I do whatever I want.
I'll just fire you.
- You know what you can do?
You can just sit there and play with your ball
until it's time for you.
Are we done here?
- Yeah, we're done, later.
- Thank you.
- Okay, client number two.
Have a seat, obviously there's no wait.
But let me tell you
about this ne'er do well initiative.
(upbeat music)
- You know what, yeah,
it might be good for you to learn
a little responsibility.
Let me help you out some.
- Whiskey.
Any, just give me whiskey.
Anything?
- No, no, I'm good man.
TBH, I mean, to be honest.
- While we're being honest,
responsibility and I do not go hand-in-hand.
I mean, I need room for all my activities.
My MMA career.
- You getting beat up by a kid at the park
is not an MMA career.
Sorry, not sorry.
- I'm being serious.
- Serious, how like you seriously
got your ass kicked by a kid at the park?
- I'd like a little whiskey.
- You don't need one,
you've got a full whiskey right, right there.
- Another whiskey.
Shut up, he was right, another whiskey.
- I freakin' hate you so much.
- Hey, ay, ay, look, look.
That's that (stumbling over words)
University of um, God,
I can't remember the guy's, the lawyer.
The lawyer, that's the school he wants me
to enroll in.
- The University of Las Colinas.
- That's it.
♪ The University of Las Colinas. ♪
- Hi, I'm The Great Randito,
and I want to change your life like magic.
So come down
to the University of Las Colinas,
and turn your life into an illusion.
The University of Las Colinas,
12, 12, loop 12.
♪ Go to school, don't be a fool ♪
♪ University of Las Colinas ♪
- Free lime.
- Well what else do you have going on?
- Stuff.
- No you don't, you don't have anything going on in your life.
Your dad died,
a truck dumped a bunch of money
on top of you, and you haven't done anything with it.
Like anything.
- I been in training.
- For 10 years, 10 years?
- Dude, know-it-all,
why don't you go back to school with me then?
- Why would I go back to school with you?
I've got a pretty successful business.
- (laughing) You sell fishing lures, dude.
- So, it catches the bills right in the mouth.
- You sell fishing lures on Pinterest.
You make a living on Pinterest.
- Well yeah, but I've also got a website.
I've got other platforms that I sell on.
I'm a fishing lure influencer, a fish-luencer.
- It's a lady job.
- All right, think what you want.
Why don't you just go back to school?
- Go back to school, don't be a fool.
(mumbles)
- All right, you know what, fine.
Don't listen to anything I have to say.
You're gonna find yourself in some serious
trouble one of these days,
and you know who's gonna be
to blame for all that?
You, stop mocking me.
I don't appreciate that.
It's not cool.
Don't mock me.
- Seriously!
You know what?
I'm gonna blame it on the whiskey tonight.
And that's it. Whiskey's good, whiskey's great,
don't go home or you forget your date.
Whatever, you know.
Get outta here.
Three, just like this, right here.
(rock music)
The jerk's in there.
(music drowns out voices)
(farts, urinating)
- Hey, what's going on over here?
- Man, what does it look like I'm doing?
- Hey, I know you.
You're the guy that started a fight
with my sister and my nephew.
- No, they started it.
- You been drinking tonight, buddy?
- I'm in a parking lot of a bar,
what does it look like I'm doing?
- Would you step over here?
You're being arrested for public intoxication.
- Not right now.
I'm gonna finish peeing. (grunts)
We going to your mom's house?
- You are quickly becoming my favorite client,
but you cannot keep busting in here like this.
- I'll take the deal.
- Great, wonderful, I'll make the call.
Oh, by the way, if you can't hold it,
the bathroom's down the hall to the left.
(upbeat music)
- Yeah.
- What, what are you doing here?
- Mr. Orton, so glad you could make it.
Sorry, I didn't have a chance
to formally meet yesterday.
Caine Orton, meet Kerry Michaels.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah, it is.
What are you doing here?
You haven't answered my question.
- I've decided to become an ordained minister.
And they actually offer classes for that here.
- What?
- Yeah, you know,
get my side hustle on.
I mean I have tough clients.
They need prenups and divorces and such.
I might as well do it all.
Concept through completion.
Although if you want help with the consummation
that's pro bono. (clicks tongue)
- What a class act.
- Hi guys, I am Sunshine Precious.
- Your name is Sunshine?
- Yes, Sunshine Precious.
- Like on your birth certificate?
Sunshine Precious?
- Yeah, I guess I won the hippie parent award.
- That is a stripper name.
- Excuse me?
- Like I can hear it now.
Welcome to the bunkhouse, boys.
My name is Sunshine Precious.
- Okay, have a seat please, sir.
- She'll make it glow, boys,
it's Sunshine Precious.
- That is incredibly offensive, sit down!
- Gentlemen, welcome.
We can head on back.
I see you met our receptionist, Sunshine Precious.
Yeah, and that's her real name.
Can you believe it?
- It was discussed.
- Come from parents who are dirty hippies,
but there are two good reasons
we keep her around.
- I don't know where you're used
to working, Randy,
but here that is incredibly inappropriate.
- Aw, come on, don't be a pill.
She must be PMSing.
All right, um.
- Why do I work here?
- What in the hell?
This day can't get any worse.
What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Did you not realize that this was a school
like for grown ups?
Because there is that elementary school
down the street if you need to go there
and like pick on someone your own size.
- Look, look, look,
I never laid a finger on you,
and if I were gonna do anything,
I'd put my left foot in your ass,
so it'd be all right.
- Anytime you wanna go again, cookie,
just let me know.
- Caine, candy.
- I think actually it's douche bag.
- This is where your bride gets it.
I mean you're not like a real nurturing type
parent are you?
- Are you questioning my parenting skills?
- [Caine] No, all of it.
- Okay, because I can come over there
and parent all over your face
if you need me to. - Children, children, let's all calm
down shall we?
All right, as most of you know,
my name is Sunshine Precious.
I'm the administration assistant here.
So if there is ever anything that you guys need
just let me know.
- Welcome to the main stage.
It's Sunshine Precious.
- (sarcastic laughing) It's still not funny.
- It's always funny. (laughing)
- Anyway, in just a moment I'll bring
out the enrollment packets,
we'll get 'em filled out,
and get you guys started towards your future,
but before that we're gonna have
a brief orientation with the director
of The University of Las Colinas,
Mr. Randy Austin.
- Say it!
- No, it's unprofessional.
- Get up there and say it.
- Absolutely not.
- Say it or you're fired.
- You can't fire me for not being stupid.
- Yes I can.
- No you can't.
- Would you just say it already?
- Fine.
- Everybody, please welcome
The Great Randito, yay.
- A magician?
This should be interesting.
- Yeah, that's one word for it.
- Are you sure about this?
- Do I have to be showered with bubblegum?
- No.
- Greetings.
My name is Randy,
also known as The Great Randito.
I am a magician.
Do you believe in magic?
Well, today you will.
And for my first trick,
I am going to make all of your bills disappear.
(blowing air) Ta da!
Okay, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking did he really make all
of our bills disappear?
Well, the answer is yes.
All of your bills will disappear
as soon as you pay them.
All University of Las Colinas students
have a great starting salary rate.
- All right, well I do need to let you know
that we do have Study Hall open
with Wi-Fi and computers available
to the students.
- Great, study group Friday nights?
- No, I can't do Friday, I play poker.
How about Thursday?
- Eh, Thursday's out.
I got jiu jitsu.
How about Wednesday?
- I deliver for Meals on Wheels Wednesdays.
- What?
- What, it's a great way to meet people
that might need probate soon.
- Seriously?
- What about you hot stuff?
Why are you so quiet?
- I was just thinking about how I would rather
choose a group that wasn't full of jerks.
- Eh, it takes one to know one.
- Bookstore?
- Everything is online.
There's no need for a bookstore
because there are no books.
- I mean what am I supposed to sell
at the end of the semester for blow?
- What does this school actually have?
- World class student services,
along with an online bookstore,
an online library,
24/7 access to tutoring and IT,
all developed with the adult learner in mind.
- Didn't you guys have a sweet 16 team last year?
- Online, online, online!
There's no athletics, and no books,
because we're all online, okay?
(both talking simultaneously)
- It's all online.
Now I would like to invite the staff
and my new classmates out for a drink.
Huh?
- So I actually have like some real
responsibilities so that's like
a no for me, okay?
- Let's go get a drink.
(upbeat music)
- So what do you do, Caine?
- I'm an MMA fighter.
- For real?
That's awesome. - Mr. Orton was born very wealthy.
In fact, when his father passed away
he inherited a lot of money.
Much of which he's expected
to keep himself out of trouble.
- Why couldn't I have been born rich
instead of just good looking?
- So what is it that you do?
- I'm a hustler.
- Okay, that's very modest.
Mr. Michaels, here, is actually one of the best
con men south of the Red River.
It's in his blood.
- Like, a real live con artist.
- I been known to.
- Teach me, like I wanna learn to hustle.
- No, no, no, no, no.
As your attorney I advise against this, okay?
You all keep me busy enough as it is.
- Okay, rule number one,
there's a sucker born every second.
Your job is to find one.
- I want no part of this.
When you get busted,
I don't wanna know what happened, okay?
I'm outta here.
Good luck you all, pay my bar tab.
- [Caine] Your hands smell like chicken.
- We don't need numb nuts anyway.
Rule number two,
get the conversation started, okay?
Hey man.
- Hey.
- Up for a game? - Sure.
- Gus Wilson, how ya doing?
- I'm good, and yourself. - Good, boy I'll be glad
when this business trip is over.
I'm on my last leg and I'll be home
back in Austin tomorrow.
- Oh, you traveling for work or?
- Yeah, it's an innocent hell but you know,
at least the old lady can't nag me
while I'm on the road.
(rock music)
You have to build their confidence.
(rock music)
I know what my problem is.
I used to play league,
and I can't play without something on the line.
So why don't we play for some beers
or shots or something?
- Beers work for me.
- Let's do it.
- Do it.
(rock music)
- Got the beers.
Close the deal.
I'm all beered out.
I do have one more $100 bill in here though.
You wanna just take it
and put me out of my misery?
- Nah, I don't wanna take your money, man.
- There's lots more in the bank.
(rock music)
- I mean if you insist.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
- Bullseye.
(rock music)
- Bullseye.
You know man, I wouldn't feel right if I didn't give you
at least one more chance
to win your money back.
Let's go double or nothing.
- One more game.
- Son of bitch!
- [Kerry] Get outta dodge.
(rock music)
- Okay.
- No, let's sit here,
on this side over here.
- Why?
- The lighting's way better over here
than it is over there.
- Okay.
I'm really looking forward to dinner.
(upbeat music)
Is everything okay?
- Yeah, why do you ask?
- You seem a little distracted.
- I'm distracted by your beauty.
- (chuckles) You're so sweet.
I'm really looking forward to this dinner
without discussing football.
(upbeat music)
What do you think about after dinner,
you and I go back to my place
for a little nightcap? - Way to catch!
- What?
- [Cody] What?
- Cody!
You jerk, you promised no football!
- I didn't know the game was gonna be on.
- [Charlotte] No football!
- Can't expect me not to,
- No football!
- Don't go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
(upbeat music)
- Hey, I had a call about some guys
disturbing the peace in here.
- (mumbles) I bring it in.
(both laugh and chant)
- What have been up to, Shawn?
- You know, just trying to keep my nephew
out of trouble,
you know how these kids are.
Can't be their own man,
can't even fight their own fights anymore.
- Hey, you know what,
that's why we're keg men, right?
All for one and one for all.
- You gotta join my football team.
I had this rookie, got bit by a dog,
he's recovering, you know these kids
the wusses nowadays.
- My playing days, they are over.
- What?
- I got two bum knees.
Wait, what about this guy, though?
What, yeah remember, yeah,
what was that, uh, 30 and O that year.
- Actually 42 and O, but who's counting right?
- One, two, three,
all Americans back at it again,
kicking ass as always.
- Actually, it's (mumbles)
the time is right.
I mean we were wrestling team
age fraternity brothers.
- So what are you tycoons doing now?
Just buying all of Riverside up?
- Oh man, I'm gonna lock the doors on this place.
I'm gonna create a virtual car lot.
You wanna drive it,
I'll help you buy it.
AJ's Cars.
- This place goes under,
it's a tax write-off, too.
- Get outta here!
- Yeah, and I am ready to just settle down
and cash out, you know?
But I am kinda thinking I wanna have
a little bit of fun before I do that.
(laughing)
Yeah, you gotta get a load of this guy
that I've hired.
He is gonna drive this place
right into the ground.
(laughing)
Here comes the general.
- Hey.
Hey, Bray!
What a surprise!
- Randy, Randy Austin,
I want you to meet some of my fraternity guys,
wrestling man, this is Shawn,
- Hey!
- No, no, no, keep it there,
keep it right there. - This is AJ.
- Hey, hey, hey there, little man.
(Randy groans)
- That's quite a grip you got there.
- Sorry about that,
sometimes I don't know my strength, huh?
- So, tell us,
how'd the orientation go?
- Great!
- Tell me you did The Great Randicki.
- The Great Randito.
Yes, oh they loved it.
- It's genius.
He has this character.
It's a magician.
It's like a magician and he uses him
to recruit new students.
- Love it, love it.
- All right man, all right, hey,
we gotta go, we gotta go.
We gotta run, we gotta run.
And, you, just hit it tonight, all right?
All right, you can go. All right, let's go.
(footsteps receding)
(upbeat music)
- So there they are.
The pride of The University of Las Colinas.
So how's the Study Hall treating you?
- Randy, do you take Caine and Kerry
to be your lawful students
for as long as you three shall live?
- What? - Oh, I'm gonna make a great minister.
- Gentlemen, don't forget,
Friday night, my first Flat Earth seminar.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - I literally had very low expectations
for you to begin with.
I don't even think there is a scale for you.
- Um, it's true.
It's damn true.
- No way.
- You know we had a name for people like that back in law school,
they're called pagans.
(sliding board drowns out voices)
- I think the plate in his head is flat.
- I'm not done yet.
All right, pay very close attention,
because this is truly forbidden knowledge, okay?
All right.
This orange represents the round earth
that they want you to believe in.
But think about it.
When it rains, if the Earth was really round,
all the water would fall right off, but no.
The water doesn't fall right off
because the Earth is actually flat.
See, every good farmer knows that a flat Earth
catches the rain and waters the crops,
and floods cities full of sand.
Understand?
(upbeat music)
- How many chances do I have to give you?
- I didn't even know the game was gonna be on.
- Then why did you have me switch seats?
- Well, I saw the game on,
you can't expect me not to watch.
- I do not understand your
obsession with football.
- Why can't you accept football
as a part of my life?
- Did you and football exchange vows?
Because we did,
and football is getting in the way.
- Only because you're right.
- What has a football ever done for you?
- I won $2,000 last year.
- Oh, so you're gambling again?
I can't.
Cody, you listen to me,
you are running out of chances with me.
I promise you if you mess up one more time,
it's over, I never gonna talk to you again.
You need to do something with your life.
You been stuck in the same dead-end job
for 10 years.
Above football, when you figure it out, call me.
- $2,000!
I won it!
Free money.
Bye.
(upbeat music)
Like that show?
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Uh, I didn't see any fake show.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Dude, I usually have two by two drinks
to see a show like that. (laughs)
- Let me guess.
That little storm off over there
was about football.
(laughing)
- Stupid foot, not this punk again, come on.
- All right listen, hey, you can't, don't,
you can't get arrested this time, okay?
- What's the big idea?
- Uh, accidents, man.
- Sure it was.
You aren't a cop, bloop.
Bloop. - Yeah, but I am so calm down, all right?
We were just having a little fun,
we didn't mean to hit you buttercup.
- You know, just because you're wearing that badge,
does not mean you're not an asshole.
And your sister?
Super mega psycho?
Don't get me started on this little punk.
- Who you calling punk, chump?
- Mega psycho?
I don't think so Captain Pee-pee Pants.
- I'm only 17, but if you wanna pick on someone
your own size, come at me, bro.
- Hey, man, that's my family you're talking
about there, buddy, buddy.
- A family of crazies.
- Hey, you seriously want to try
to fight that guy?
That's hashtag super cray-cray.
- Dude, someone's gotta teach this family
of punks a lesson.
- Teach me a lesson.
I'll make sure you wind up in a cell again.
- That's not gonna teach me anything.
I'm an MMA fighter.
- Dude, you're like O and once,
you're not even that good.
(all laughing)
- Dude, why don't you shut up?
You wanna go?
- Yeah, I wanna go.
'Cause I'm not gonna watch you
get arrested again.
- Arrest me, I'm rich, bitch!
Man, just keep running your mouth, Clem.
I got my posse here to back me up.
- [Shawn] (laughing) He said no.
- Football, football, football.
- Seriously?
- Settle this on the field.
- I have two kids and a girl,
you know what?
I'll still destroy you.
- I don't, I don't even play football.
- Would you come here for a second?
Look, you've gotta play.
- Dude, it's a stupid game for stupid people.
- Why, because of what happened to you
back in high school?
You gotta let it go, you gotta move on.
- Oh, dude, stupid, dumb.
- This is your chance to get back
at that ass hat, okay?
- I can get back at him another way.
- Listen, all you do,
is you go out there and catch a couple of passes,
Cody and I will take care of everything,
and that's how you get back at him.
- I would like to rub it in that cop's face.
- Yeah.
- [Shawn] You guys ready?
- Yeah, one second.
Hey, you're gonna let that hashtag trash cop win?
You gonna do this or what?
- All right.
- All right, listen up ladies,
we're gonna play some football.
A couple ground rules here.
Two below and no fighting.
(upbeat music)
(music drowns out voice)
(upbeat music)
♪ Still me in the driver's seat ♪
♪ Blame the whole thing on me ♪
♪ I got no reason to (mumbles) ♪
♪ What you see in me. ♪
(music drowns out voice)
♪ Everything I thought was white ♪
♪ I'm proving it wrong tonight ♪
♪ I got my pillows in the floorboard, ♪
♪ I just need a little more, all right, all right ♪
(rock music)
(music drowns out voices)
- Dude, because you made one freaking play,
don't act like you actually did anything.
- Congrats, you beat two kids and a girl.
♪ Pig in a pear tree. ♪
- Tell you what,
my flag football team is three
years running champions.
If you guys ever want to play a real game
with real men,
we're always looking for more teams
for the league.
- Hey, hey, football is a man's game.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Thought you said we had five coming tonight.
- We have five scheduled.
- Did you tell them the right time?
- I told them seven.
- What time is it now?
- Eight.
- Damn.
- Hey, thought I'd come by and check out
the new students before they left.
I guess I must have just missed them.
So how many did we have tonight?
- No one showed.
- Excuse me?
- We had five scheduled,
but it was just one of those nights
where no one showed up.
- Well, shit happens.
Randy, I need to talk to you in the office.
- Sure.
- Randy, I have to tell you,
I didn't want to see an empty room here tonight.
- Yeah, I don't understand it.
The Great Randito should be working.
- I agree, bro-be-wan-ken obi.
You know, but if we don't start packing
these halls, (groans),
I may have to sell the school.
- You can't do that.
No, no, no, this is the greatest
job I've ever had.
- What?
- [Randy] You, you can't do that.
- You been here a month.
- And I love it.
- Why?
- Because it's the greatest job ever!
I mean we're making a difference
in people's lives,
and we're even providing some folks
with a brighter future.
- You really believe that, don't you?
- Well yeah, I do.
- I don't wanna have to sell,
but I gotta get this place to be huge.
You know I wanna make
The University of Las Colinas great again.
You know and empty halls,
that's no revenue,
no revenue is bad for business.
- Oh, come on.
Don't go all corporate business man on me.
Man, I thought we were friends.
- We are, Randugi.
- [Randy] It's The Great Randito.
- Look, I'm a businessman,
and I gotta make my knack, get it?
All right, let's do something
to pack these halls.
Or you're fired.
(door squeaks)
- Well, that's not a happy face.
- He said he was going to sell if we can't
figure out a way to pack these halls.
I mean, you woulda thought my flat Earth lecture
would've brought them all in.
- Yeah, I can't imagine why that didn't work.
That doesn't make sense.
If he was gonna sell the school
why did he hire you?
- What?
- It makes no sense.
Why wouldn't he just close it?
- Be-cause,
(upbeat music)
- Football is the greatest game ever.
- Look at this guy.
- Football is a billion dollar industry.
Why do you do think the world stops
to watch football?
Watch the Super Bowl?
- [Man] To see Janet's boob?
- Because football is awesome,
and football is a part of my life.
She can't accept that football's a part
of my life,
maybe I don't need her in my life.
- Ew, football sucks.
- [Man] Bro, why do you gotta be so
salty all the time?
- Time out, time out.
Sit down and shut up.
You're bringing everyone down
with your failed dreams.
- Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Light bulb.
- [Caine] What, what?
- Football for the win.
It could save the school.
- Save the school from what?
- All right, I really shouldn't be telling
you all this,
- Then don't.
- But, if we don't pack the halls,
Bray is gonna lock the doors and shut down
The University of Las Colinas.
- Hey man, what'll happen to our
ne'er do well deals if that happens?
- Judge can revoke 'em.
If you don't uphold your part of the bargain
you could be looking at jail time.
- Wait, he can't legally lock the doors, can he?
- Private school, he can do what he wants.
- It's an online school.
- But didn't you hear my man, here?
Football is the most popular sport ever!
We get a football team,
and we'll pack the halls.
- You wanna start a football team,
for The University of Las Colinas?
- Yeah.
- We don't have the budget for that.
- Why do you always have to bring me down?
- I am not bringing you down!
I am being realistic.
An athletic department costs money.
And might I remind you
it is an online university.
- Football team for an online school,
yeah that'll be the day.
- What are we gonna do?
Start a tech mobile team?
I got the Raiders, by the way.
- What if I were to offer you a scholarship?
Play football for The University of Las Colinas.
You've always wanted to be
a college football star.
- I'm in!
- We don't have scholarships.
- You.
- I mean yeah,
I used to play quarterback back in high school.
- All right then,
that means there's a scholarship for you!
And a scholarship for you!
- No, no scholarship here.
I don't even play football.
- We don't have scholarships!
And even if we did,
it wouldn't be for students already enrolled!
(upbeat music)
- Gentlemen, I have some bad news.
The University of Las Colinas closes before your
first semester of classes is done,
the judge could revoke your deal.
30 days minimum.
- This is so unfair.
- The law isn't fair.
- Well, isn't it supposed to be?
- Only if you're white.
- There's gotta be something you can do.
- I'll try, I'll try everything I can.
The only sure fire way to keep you
both outta jail,
keep the University of Austin plans open.
(upbeat music)
- I was over at Caine's Friday night,
and had a few pops,
but I got to thinking,
I mean Sunshine Precious is right,
there's no way we can afford
to start a football team.
- Dream killer.
How are you gonna put my dream
right in front of my face,
and then yank it out from underneath me?
- You're a 40 year old man.
And you're still dreaming about playing college football?
- I'm a man!
I'm 40, I can be whatever I wanna be!
And I wanna be a star college football player
with a scholarship!
Dude, do you know how much ass we would get
if we were college football
players with scholarships?
- No, I mean I'm happily married,
you're clearly still in love with Charlotte,
and um, look around this dump.
You see any ass come walking around in here?
I don't think so, man.
Hashtag no ass in this place, at all.
(sighs) But, you know,
we do have to get the attendance up, right?
- Yeah, if you wanna keep this place open.
- (sighs) What if we started a hashtag
flag football team?
With no budget?
- Yeah, they did say they were
looking for new teams.
- Wait, what, what are you talkin about?
- Well, the other day we were at the park
and we played this cop
in a flag football game.
- Totally kicked his ass, by the way.
- But after the game,
he said that he was a part of a flag football
league and that it draws a ton of people.
- A flag football team?
What good will that do?
- I don't know, man.
But, seriously, what have you got to lose?
It's like there is no giant marketing team
that's gonna bust the doors down in here
with some grand plan to save this place.
- That's true.
My back is up against the wall.
- What you do is you take somebody
and you put them out in the crowd,
and they walk around and they recruit
new fam, yo!
That's what you do.
Look, I've got the website pulled up here.
It says all we need are six players
to fill out a squad.
- And we got three right here.
That's if you're up for it.
- Oh, hell yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not?
And we could get Kerry,
and we could get Kevin,
get them to play.
- That just leave uno mas.
- Caine?
- Hey, you guys wanna take a selfie?
- Yeah.
- All right.
(camera clicks)
- Ah, all right, let me call him real quick.
- (laughing) Dude, I don't care
if it's gonna save the school or not.
I am not playing football.
- Wait, save the school?
- What'll save the school?
- They wanna start a flag football team.
I'm not playing.
- Well if it'll keep me out of the pokey, I'm in.
- I really don't wanna return
my wedding deposits, I'm in.
- I'm not playing football, I'm done.
- Hey, would you rather go to jail?
- I'm taking this, dude.
- Hey, I'm charging you for that!
- He's in, yes!
- Now that we have a team,
all we need is a name.
- It needs to be something strong,
something kick ass.
- Yeah, something real bold AF.
- Okay, it needs to represent the values
of the school,
but it also needs to kick ass.
- Beast modes.
- Hi guys, what's going on here?
What's up bro?
- Oh, hey Bray.
This is Dustin and Cody,
they're two of our newest students.
- Oh, welcome gentlemen.
(camera clicks)
- Do you remember that conversation we had
the other night about boosting
the attendance here at the school?
- Yes, but should we be discussing that in front
of the new students?
- Well yeah, I mean they're a big part
of our new recruitment project.
- Really, I gotta hear this.
What is it?
- A flag football team.
I love it!
(all talking at once)
Yes, yes, oh wow!
Yes!
All right, okay, so it's what,
The University of Las Colinas, um,
we gotta have a mascot.
What, what are we gonna do?
- All right, what do we do here?
We educate!
So we should be the Educators.
The University of Las Colinas Educators!
- Eh, I don't like that.
What kind of stupid shit is that?
- It's like super weak sauce, bro.
We'll get our ass kicked with a name like that.
- Let's go, Educators!
Yes, perfect!
AJ!
Bro, what you doing?
Oh, yeah, yeah, pfft,
the halls are empty.
Man, that's a done deal.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Oh, let's go, hit me at the real estate office
tomorrow morning, you know?
Hey, let's go get some beers beforehand,
get the paperwork signed,
lot is yours.
All right man, all right, all right,
see you then, bro.
All right, bye.
(upbeat music)
- All right, if I can have you sign here,
here, then initial here,
and we'll be good to go.
- All right, let's do this.
(upbeat music)
- Maybe I just need to get a little bit more
time on this.
- What are you talkin about?
Come on, Bray dog, you said you'd sell
if you already made that money.
Cash out and bro down.
- Maybe if I put a little more effort into this,
then I can make the university just,
- Come on, what are you talkin about?
(mumbles) really, I mean,
those losers, really?
Come on Bray dog.
(upbeat music)
- It's just, well, I built this place,
from the ground up, all right?
It's just hard to just let it go.
- Let it go.
Get you right out.
Besides you're helping a keg brother here, right?
This is a win-win-win deal.
- Yeah. - You know?
Sign the paper.
Go to a long beach vay-cay.
(mumbles)
If anything, you deserve it.
- Yeah?
Maybe I can start the University of Cancun.
(both laughing)
No, the University of Key West.
- There you go, now you're talking,
now you're talking.
Atta boy.
- All right!
- All right, thank you, I'll take care of this.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go practice my darts.
I just got swindled out of $600,
it was painful.
- Hey your mama called ,
she says you need to come home now!
- Okay guys, come on, get in here.
- Girls, we're playing girls.
- I really let you talk me into this.
- If I didn't we might be going to county.
- Don't you think we should have thrown
at a hashtag practice?
- Wait, what, practice?
Who needs a stinking practice?
Now come on, aren't you horny to win?
- Hashtag horny win.
- All right, I gotta no take a look at one of 'em.
Be back in a second.
- All right, okay, now you know I could give us
the big motivational speech right now,
but, gentlemen, we're playing a bunch of girls.
Okay?
So just remember that you represent
The University of Las Colinas.
And you'll represent it with honor,
and with dignity.
So let's go out there and spank some ass!
Everyone, Educators on three!
One, two, three!
(drums beating)
Yeah!
- Psst, hey, hey.
Kerry Michaels?
You play on that new team?
- Big Daddy Sports Time?
What are you doing here?
- Making a buck anyway I can.
- You take bets on flag football?
- This league is something.
All these teams and their families.
I like the action.
Let me ask you something.
On a scale of one to ten,
how good do you think your team is?
- Well, we're playing girls.
So how good do we need to be?
You don't sleep on those Ladybugs.
- What's the line in our game?
- Ladybugs are favored by seven.
- What? I'll take that bet.
Give me the Educators plus the points.
- Sorry, can't bet on your own team.
- What?
- That's a whole Pete Rose can of worms
I'm not getting into
- Oh, so you're a freakin' weasel
with morals, now.
- Watch it!
- Hey, you still doing poker night on Fridays?
- Yeah, down at the warehouse.
- Okay, I'll see you there.
- Keep in mind,
I can also get you a flask of Chardonnay
or Xanax if you need it out there.
- Right, I'm okay, but thanks.
- Well, if you know of anyone send 'em my way.
Them poor soccer moms come out here,
they need something to do.
- Right, always trying to make a buck.
- Yeah.
- Captains.
- Don't worry, ladies, we're gonna take
it easy on you.
And afterwards, maybe we could all go
get a drink.
- Yeah, take it easy on us, okay.
You hear that, Stacy, he's gonna take
it easy on us.
- Uh huh.
- Whoa, not into men I see.
- Aw, he is angry.
You won't like it when he gets angry.
- (sniffing) Oh, I think I smell a feminist.
You know, ladies,
it really is okay to wear deodorant, really.
- Really is.
(rock music)
- Come on guys,
it was only the first game.
- Girls, I can't believe we lost to girls!
- Girls, more like freakin' athletes, man.
- You know, I swear, when I reached for a flag,
I felt a penis.
- I swear, at least two are post-op.
- They had more facial hair than we do.
- (mumbles) lost to girls,
it don't get much worse than that, like.
- So what do you know about the team
we're playing this week?
- Ah, let's just say they're tough.
The Takers aren't about winning.
They bring the pain.
- Oh, glad I'm a benchwarmer.
(motorcycle revving)
- Why do bikers wanna play football?
(motorcycle revving)
- Yeah, I don't know, bro.
I don't think it's for shits and giggles, though.
- I don't think bikers do anything
for shits and giggles.
- You think they'd be interested
in furthering their education?
- Not unless they're enrolled in some
sort of a meth class.
- All right, call it in the air.
- Fresh green, tails!
- [Ref] Tails it is.
- (mumbling) We'll bring the pain on Dean.
- You're gonna get educated!
(rock music)
(man vocalizing)
(music drowns out voice)
(rock music, man vocalizing)
- Another personal foul, Undertakers.
(rock music)
(man vocalizing)
Another personal foul, Undertakers.
(rock music, man vocalizing)
- Oh my God, you came.
- I did.
Well, I was able to drop the kids off
with their dad,
so I figured I'd take a little time for myself.
- Awesome.
- Yeah, so, I see he's here.
- (laughs) Shouldn't you be co-hosting
The View, or something?
- Just because I'm here doesn't mean
you have to talk to me, okay?
So, we're good.
- Yeah, I text her and asked her to come,
because I'm tired of being the only girl
in this sausage fest.
- So, rough day?
You guys look pretty beat down.
- If we had spent the past 10 hours being anally
probed by gray aliens,
that would be a rough day.
This was worse.
- We played a biker gang today.
Okay, a biker gang.
- Well, I'm sorry to have missed that.
That sounds amazing.
- Well, feel free to come to the next one.
- So I'll actually be there tomorrow, right?
- Yeah.
- My brother (mumbles) is playing.
- Who are we playing tomorrow?
- We are playing KEG.
- Sounds like a bunch of douche bags.
- Yep, that's my brother's team.
- Everybody go home and get some rest.
I wanna beat those beer drinking,
secret handshaking, circle jerking,
freshman hazing, roofie passing,
frat boy assholes!
(rock music)
- Waitress, hey, hey,
can I get a couple drinks?
Whatever she wants, whatever, you know,
put it on my tab.
- No, no, no, no, I'm good thank you,
I'm on my own tab.
I'm good.
- Look, I've had a bad day.
I need someone to talk to,
let's just relax.
- Can we get two whiskeys please,
but on my tab.
All right, so.
- Whiskey girl.
- Yes, yeah, but less talking,
more drinking, okay?
- I have a game tomorrow.
I'm probably gonna be sitting on the bench.
I mean they really want me to play,
but I'm just not into it.
- Huh, so I was wondering if you've ever thought
about what it's like to be a single mom,
who never gets to go out and meet anyone,
and then the one time that she does,
the guy's best friend ruins it
by picking a fight with your son.
- I didn't start it though.
- He's a kid!
Are you serious right now?
- Let's just relax and talk, okay.
Maybe we'll find something in common.
- All right, maybe you're right.
- Let's go, okay look,
let's go over to this punching machine,
let's get some aggression out.
I mean look, I'm an MMA fighter.
Punching things feels really good.
I mean you could use a little exercise,
but, I mean, it's,
being as tough as I am,
I'm like Hiroshima,
I'll be a spider monkey on that thing,
and, look, I can go like five,
maybe seven, eight times,
and then I can show you,
- Hold on, hold on, maybe you'll like it,
should be ladies first, right?
- I mean in some cultures it's like that.
And I mean, if that's what you're into, it's,
it could be,
but I mean if you watch me, you'll really,
you'll get to know me a little bit better,
and maybe, but I mean, it's,
just think about it 'cause it's, okay, all right.
♪ You and me we got nothing in common ♪
♪ Never think on the same lines ♪
♪ When I see you we just argue ♪
♪ But I just can't seem to get you off my mind. ♪
♪ You're the right kind of wrong ♪
♪ I've been running away too long ♪
♪ I'm not begging, moving on ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the right kind of wrong. ♪
(groaning)
- Maybe she's got something
in her purse.
Never seen blue headache pills before.
Better take two of 'em.
(upbeat music)
- I'm open.
I'm not that open, oh my God! (screams)
- K-E-G.
- [both Together] K-E-G, Kegmen! (whooping)
(upbeat music)
- I could play, really.
- Oh, oh, Caine, Caine, I'm hurt.
You gotta come in.
- Can't do it.
- You gotta come in bro, we need you.
- What's the deal, man?
- [Caine] I'm not doing it.
- Dude, don't start that shit.
We need you out there now.
- It's not that.
- (mumbles) We gotta go in here. - Caine, we need you, let's go.
- Uh uh.
- What's the problem?
- [All Together] Whoa!
- Hey bud, why are you so excited right now?
- Why'd you feel you need to show us?
- Okay, I've tried everything.
- Can't you just go to the bathroom
and take care of it?
- No, I even thought about a hammer.
I mean,
- When did it start?
- Last night I hooked up with this chick,
I got up this morning,
- Did you wash your hands?
- And came right here.
- Well, maybe nobody will notice.
- Really?
(all groan)
(upbeat music)
- Touchdown, Educators.
- Come on man, you gotta make the tackle.
- What, I'm not getting close to that.
- What?
- That, what if it accidentally rubs
up against my leg,
or I touch it or something?
That, that!
- Come on, that's (mumbles).
Man, that can't be in the books.
- There's nothing in the rule book about that.
- Oh, come on.
- It's common decency.
- I mean, you guys can play with it
or you can forfeit.
- Whoa.
- Play with it?
- I don't know, no.
- It's a freakin' sausage fest
over there, man.
- I can't do this.
- Whoo!
♪ I never wanted this but now ♪
♪ I done it and I don't know how. ♪
♪ To get it back again everything I did ♪
♪ Oh yeah. ♪
(rock music)
- What are you doing, supporting these losers now?
Whose team are you on?
- What's up brah?
It's just the game.
- Yeah well, you're supposed to have your keg brothers backs.
- Yeah, bro. Your keg Brothers just lost,
try not to be so happy about it.
- Well, come on guys.
I just got caught up in the moment.
- Yeah.
- Kappa, Epsilon, Gamma, (mumbles)!
- Hey, hey,
- Hey.
- Talk a minute?
- Look, if it was about last night,
that was just kind of a one-time thing.
We're both adults,
and we know what happened.
- What if I wanted to ask you out again?
- No, this is not the right time for me, okay?
- I mean I understand.
Friday?
Could we go out Friday?
- No, I mean like it's not the right time
in my life.
- Oh, I understand,
but any day is as good as any other,
and we could take it slow,
I could take you for dinner.
- Okay, you get one dinner, okay?
But then after that,
- Fair enough, one dinner.
I do have a question for you, though.
What was in that pill bottle?
- What pill bottle?
- The blue pills that were in your aspirin bottle
in your purse.
- You we're digging in my purse?
- I wasn't really digging, I mean,
they were on top and I had a headache,
and I, you were sleeping,
I didn't want to wake you,
and I had to get to the game.
- Well, clearly what you took was not aspirin.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry,
but I totally forgot I had those.
- You forgot you had what?
- Those are ED pills.
- You're a little freaky, aren't you?
- No, it's not like that!
Jack's father was older,
and so he needed help down there,
but, okay, clearly I need to throw them away.
- No you don't,
you can just give them to me.
- No, I already told you what happened last night
was like a one-time thing with us, okay?
- No, that's not what it's for.
We won today.
(rhythmic music)
- Hi, this is Marie Ryam,
with the the Ferb News Sports Edition,
and I'm out here
at the University of Las Colinas
with the Educators.
- I'm Cody Bryan,
a man so nice my mama named me twice.
And let me tell you something,
if you come out here to the fields
at Las Colinas you better bring your A game, son,
because the Educators,
we are teaching lessons.
We're talking about Mr. All-district,
Mr. Four touchdowns in one game,
Mr. Cody Bryan,
and I'm not playing it alone, baby.
We got Dustin Ambrose.
Let's take a quick selfie.
(camera clicks)
Caine Orton.
- Hi, I'm here with Caine Orton.
Caine, I heard that you
use performance enhancers, do they work?
- Not true. - [Cody] Kevin Vaughn, attorney at law.
- Kevin, I hear you're an attorney,
what are you doing back at school?
- That's correct, and actually I've been told
that I can no longer plug my firm,
lawandlaw.com.
I actually went back
to the University of the Las Colinas
to become an ordained minister.
I gotta tell you after those first two games
I thought I was gonna get some practice
administering some last rites.
But it's been a very,
that guy just got hurt.
- [Cody] Kerry Michaels.
- You play poker? - Yes, I do.
- Really?
- [Cody] The Great Randito.
- Can I have your autograph?
- You sure can,
but you know what, kids?
Let me tell you something.
The Earth is really flat.
(rhythmic music)
At the end of this season,
it's the University of Las Colinas Educators,
City Champions, baby,
can you dig that?
(camera clicks)
♪ The University of Las Colinas. ♪
- Hey, yeah you, loser.
Sitting on the couch?
Hanging around doing nothing?
I know you are because you're
watching daytime TV.
A few months ago I was just like you.
But the University of Las Colinas
changed my life.
I'm a football star now.
I have more acquaintances
than you could ever imagine.
Come join us every Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday
from 9:15 to 11:37.
You want your credit score to be above 628.
And we have financial aid available for you.
We'll see you next week.
♪ Go to school ♪
♪ Don't be a fool, don't. ♪
♪ The University of Las Colinas. ♪
(bird tweeting)
- You think you could officially
introduce me to your kids?
I mean we're kind of a thing now, right?
- I mean I don't know.
I feel like Jack really still really wants
to kick your ass.
But you need to get going,
time is running out. It's the big championship game.
- You sure you can't come?
- If my brother sees me on the sidelines
cheering for you,
he'll throw us both in jail.
- It's time to teach your brother a lesson.
It's the University of Las Colinas Educators time.
It's the championship game,
and we're gonna beat the league champions.
Kind of a wussy name,
- Yeah, it really is.
- You know I tried to get them to change it.
- Well, you need to just get going,
you're seriously gonna be late.
- Okay, all right.
♪ Love, love, all you need is love. ♪
♪ Love, love. ♪
It's that easy.
Look at that.
What the hell does he want?
- License and registration please.
- Seriously?
- Drinking last night?
- Look at you, mad too.
- Eh, step out of the car.
(mumbles, groans)
- Hey, burge.
- I see you're not cooperating, huh?
- Uh, your sister cooperated last night.
- What did you say?
- We're kind of a thing. (groans)
- I see you haven't learned your lesson
about talking about my family.
We're definitely going downtown.
- Am I being arrested?
- No, no, no, no, no,
you're being detained.
- Dude, we got that championship
game today, man.
- Yeah, but one you're not going to make it to.
- Dude, I didn't do anything except
your sister, man.
- I bet a lot of cabbage on you guys today.
- It's a lock.
- Listen to me,
I'm about to call my friends,
and tell 'em to put some lettuce down too.
These are my friends of the utmost respect.
- If you would take my bet,
I'd put my entire life savings on this game.
- That's good enough for me.
(rhythmic music)
(music drowns out voice)
- What do you guys want?
I'm playing a game.
- We'll see about that.
Now, you're coming with us,
and if you make a noise, pow pow.
- Any word from Caine?
- Don't worry about him, man,
he'll be here.
It's a championship game.
- Damn it!
Where is that kid?
- Again, don't worry about it,
but where is Kerry? He was just here.
- We got to have five to play.
- Okay, just stall.
- Ladies, where's your star?
- Don't worry about it, man, he'll be here.
We're just running a little late.
- You guys got five?
Are you all ready to go?
- Hey, did you know the Earth was flat?
- What?
- Dude, you are an idiot.
(rhythmic music)
- Tell 'em, Randy.
- The Earth is really flat.
Don't believe what they tell you.
- All right guys, we gotta get to the coin toss.
- Doesn't count.
- Really, doesn't count.
- You do it through stuff that wasn't even air.
And the gravity, no, isn't valid here.
- Oh by the way,
Caine might've run into the law this morning,
might be just a tad bit detained.
- [Randy] For what?
- Oh, it's a private matters.
- Dude, that hashtag ass hat cop over there,
he had Caine arrested this morning.
- For what?
- Didn't say.
- I mean it's Caine,
so I'm sure he did something stupid.
- This is harassment.
There's gonna be a shitstorm.
So what now?
- Guys, Educators, do you have five or not?
- No.
- No, then I have no choice
but to force you to forfeit.
(blows whistle)
AJ's Cars are your repeat league champions.
(men cheering)
- I'm here, I'm here, hey!
- You're too late, you douche canoe.
- You trash bag panda.
- What do you mean?
- (mumbles) into forfeit.
- That's not fair!
- You know what's not fair,
is your performance enhancers.
- You're a punk!
- Seriously.
- Dude, it's not my fault.
- Thanks for showing up.
- I got detained for no reason.
Why did we have to forfeit?
Where's Kerry?
- You know what, bro,
you got me shook, man.
And you're right,
I should have never let you play.
- Seriously guys, come on, man,
I didn't do anything.
- Did somebody tell you to miss the game?
- Hey, man, I was detained by the police.
Who are you? - I'm the guy that just lost a lot of dough
on that game.
- No worries, man, I'm rich,
I could pay you back.
- That don't mean anything.
I got a lot of friends, see,
that lost a lot of money on that game, too.
- I can pay 'em all back,
I've got money, man.
- Costing guys like that money in my world
makes you a marked man.
I don't wanna be a marked man, capice?
- Tell me what I can do.
- Well, my friend needs to have a little
conversation with you.
Then we could go from there.
- Guys, one heck of an effort out there.
You almost turned it around.
I am proud, man,
of each and everyone of you all,
come on, come on.
- Hey, what's up, vaginas?
Nice try out there.
But uh, Bray dog sold me the school,
so I'll be taking possession in two weeks.
Six months from now, school's gonna be completely closed down.
- What?
- Yeah, tell 'em, Bray dog.
- You mean you've already signed
all the paperwork?
- I'm sorry about it, bro.
But he's right, he's gonna be taking over
in the weeks.
- Hashtag Judas!
- What do you have in mind?
- Just hold your goon back for two seconds,
just let me go talk to these guys, cool?
I'll be right back, I promise.
- Come on, brah.
You don't need to be doing that.
You got the school,
you got what you wanted.
- What, you going softy for this crew?
- No, I just don't see any point
in you putting them down, that's all.
(mumbling)
- Hey coward.
Whoa, ho, ho!
(all clamoring)
- You know you just assaulted a cop, right?
- You hiding behind that badge?
- Huh, you wanna give me another reason
to lock you up for good?
- No man, one on one, (mumbles).
- You know I'm an All-American wrestler, right?
I'm gonna kill you.
- Real life ninja.
- Okay, ninja warrior,
I'll tell you what, you're on.
I'm gonna enjoy pounding your face in.
- Listen, bum, I've been thinking,
I've been thinking about becoming my own man.
Now give me your wallet,
I don't wanna have to use this thing on you.
- Okay, Let's go.
- Here take it.
- Thank you.
You only have 20 bucks in here.
I want the rest of our cash.
Right now, or else.
- Okay, okay.
It's a freakin' toy gun.
I just got held up by a kid
with a freakin'' toy gun.
I'm never gonna live this down.
I still have that.
- I'll take that.
- I was just robbed!
- With a toy gun. (laughs)
You know what's not funny?
Me and my friends losing money.
You're coming with us.
- No, come on guys.
I can explain.
I got a gun!
- Will Thompson, (mumbles)
I think I can help you.
- That's a handshake.
♪ My heart is racing an adrenaline high ♪
♪ It's pumping through my veins ♪
♪ Widened up and I'm fueled with fire ♪
♪ The waiting is driving me insane ♪
♪ The crowd is crazy it's electric tonight ♪
♪ The fans are coming alive ♪
♪ The stars, the clamor, the glitter and fame ♪
♪ It's all here and waiting for me. ♪
♪ Fame, fame, let's go ♪
♪ I'm like a bomb ready to explode ♪
♪ Give me only seconds before it goes down ♪
♪ Hey, hey, how do you like me now? ♪
- This better go the way you said it would.
Well, I hope it does.
- What are you too good to return
my calls and texts?
- Been training, man.
- Come on, you've been training for 10 years.
- I need to focus.
- All right, big, boy, hey listen,
we got your back, all right, so,
go get 'em tiger.
(camera clicks)
(slaps back)
- You think he's got any shot?
- No way man, he is dead A F.
(rock music)
(all clamoring)
(man vocalizing)
- Yes, yes!
- You are such a loser.
You call yourself an MMA fighter
and you just got your ass handed
to you in under a minute.
- (laughs) Yeah.
- Really, tough guy?
You next?
- Come on AJ.
I mean you going in there
and kicking his ass? What's that gonna prove?
- It's gonna make me feel a lot
better about myself.
- Come on, let's not do this.
Let's go.
- You know what,
I'm sick and tired of you siding
with these losers. You need to be siding with your keg brothers.
I'm gonna go kick this guy's ass,
you're gonna watch it, you're next.
- You're right.
Go in there and dish him out a beating.
- You serious?
I was the number one wrestler on my team.
You think he roughed you up?
You I have no idea what I'm about to do to you.
- Listen, let's make it interesting.
- Caine, stop, this isn't a good idea.
- Shh.
- You win, I give you a million dollars.
- (chuckles) Come on, you're not serious.
- My attorney's right here, ask him.
- Offer acceptance consideration.
You got a contract.
- And if you win?
- Simple, you sell me
the University of Las Colinas.
- It is a million dollars. (laughs)
- You're on, Frodo.
- Come to the shire.
(rock music)
(all clamoring)
(man vocalizing)
(rock music)
(man vocalizing)
- No, no! The property's mine!
- There's a sucker born every second.
It's just do your job to find one.
- Thanks for the tip, kid.
- I'm not selling the school.
- Yes you are,
you have a binding contract with this gentleman.
- Take your contract and shove it.
World doesn't need another school of losers.
- I don't like the way your talking
to my friend here.
Hey, where I come from a man is only
as good as his word.
We frown on welchers.
You're not a welcher, are you?
Maybe you'll have a little
conversation with Vinny, make you reconsider.
(all clamoring)
- Let AJ be his own man on this one.
He can fight his own fight.
What do you say?
Come on.
- Hashtag welcher!
(all cheering)
- Sell it that school!
You're gonna die, sucker!
(upbeat music)
- It is a big day
for the University of Las Colinas.
Number one, I've been named the social media
and marketing director for the school,
and I'm also here with my good pal,
Kevin Vaughn, what's up?
Head of our paralegal department
and so much more.
- I'll still take care of your
personal matters, though.
- Yeah he will.
Let's see what else is happening around here.
- The Great Randito.
This wouldn't have happened
if it weren't for you.
Come on, okay.
- I love you man.
- Okay, okay, that's good.
That's good, okay.
No, no, you're good.
University of Las Colinas Educators.
What a stupid name.
(laughing)
All right, guys.
- Aren't you supposed to be getting ready
for your wedding?
- I'd be a real jerk to show up at my wedding
late and drunk.
I had a cousin that did that once.
- Yeah, don't, don't be that guy.
Let's get a move on. - Well, you know great things are gonna happen
when I get back.
- Hey, hey, hey,
if you believe, you can achieve.
- We got the VP of relations here,
and the new head coach.
- Bill and Tom had nothing
on the Educators
because we don't deflate our balls.
- A sucker's born every second.
Now it's my job to get them to enroll here.
Enough business talk you all, come on,
let's get you married.
(rock music)
- Should be filming all these people
walking out to this wedding,
but I'm feeling myself, ha,
because it's all about me!
Right here, right here, hashtag me.
- Do you promise to have and to hold,
and do not pick on our kid anymore,
or steal any more blue pills?
- Actually, the blue pills are okay.
- And do you promise to,
- Yada, yada, can you get on with it?
Who dat starts in an hour.
- Who dat?
- In that case,
I now pronounce you husband and wife,
and you're all remarried.
(clapping)
- Unlike you, I actually have a conscience,
so you can have this back.
- Thanks man.
You play poker?
- No.
- Guys, if you really wanna be
bad men and bad women,
you need to learn a little discipline.
I am a ninja master,
and I saved this school.
You too, can accomplish great things.
I am master Caine,
I will be teaching your class here
at the University of Las Colinas.
This is my super hot wife.
What's she doing here?
- No one talks about my mama.
♪ University of Las Colinas. ♪
(rock music)
(woman vocalizing)