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Reese: Picture this if you will....
It had been three days. And the last drop of water I'd had was to
wash down the sacred cactus that I received from father crow.
There I am, riding a burro dick-first into the belly of Death Valley
when all of a sudden the great snake, Quetzalcoatl, cracked the sky like a son of a-
Christian: Shut up, shut up, he's turning, he's turning.
Reese: Yeah, we don't have to talk about it right now.
We've been following this subject for the past two hours
He hasn't caught on to us yet. if we could follow him back to his house that
would be a big deal because as of right now nobody knows where he lives.
Alright. All clear.
Christian: Shut up for a minute, okay?
We're here.
Christian: Go go go go!
Okay! if any of you made a fucking sound I will personally skin your face,
Turn that skin into leather, and use that leather to sew your lip shut.
Mike: Woah woah wait. Shouldn't we just knock first?
Don't be chickenshit, Mike.
Yeah, Mike.
Yeah, Mike!
I'm sorry. That was really inappropriate of me.
Christian: What the... fuck?
Where's that coming from?
Reese: you hear that too?
Out of the way! Out of the way! Mr. Wood!
Will Wood: What the f***? Who the f*** are you? Who are you? What the f***? No, get that the f*** out of my face
Christian: I just want to ask you a couple -
No, get that the f*** out of
What are you doing?
Christian:For this documentary we're making about you. Will: No no no no no no stop stop stop
Christian: If you could just come out of the tub for a second I won't take a lot of your time
Christian: Five minutes of your time!
Christian: We're making a documentary... Will: Ow!
Now it's kicking in!
I'm Christian Dunning, documentarian. Documentarian and founder of Danger Baby Films.
I've directed several noteworthy investigative features, including Peanut Boy: A Lifestyle
Film festival favorite The Lonely Eyes
And Fuck Dog.
I've always been fascinated by fringe individuals. Subcultures. The enigmatic personalities who thrive
within the shadows of society, unhindered by the status quo.
And in the underbelly of the living, breathing organism that is the state of New Jersey
One man is setting out to create a world of his own.
Guiding his cult-like followers into a world outside of what we perceive as real.
Which begs the question: who is the real Will Wood?
This is what we know.
Will: I'm off my medication.
Interviewer: Love this outfit.
Will: thank you.
Maybe the fucking mood stabilizers aren't quite fucking working.
Will : I wish you were my daughter, I wish you were my daughter, I wish you were my daughter.
Interviewer: You're not on acid, are you?
Will Wood is a notoriously eccentric singer-songwriter with a growing cult following.
But despite his increasing notoriety, it's almost impossible to find any definitive information about him.
Different sources give different accounts on even the most basic facts of his life, he's been known to shy away from public appearances,
And even his fans seem to know almost nothing about him. Who is the real Will Wood?
He's a rap scallion of the highest order, do not trust this man.
Damned if I know, damned if I could tell you.
I don't know how to explain it. It's like just being you and me. Without being, uh, no doubt, by being pushed around by anybody else.
Lives out in the woods, eating frozen waffles man, I don't know.
He's out there man, real cat.
I don't think anybody really knows.
A mystery, an enigma.
Exactly.
Can't put it any other way.
Which way are we going?
I like your microphone. It's a nice touch.
I'm excited to find out.
That's a fancy camera, nice lights.
Christian: Excuse me, sir?
Well that's a horrifying question, I have no idea.
He's the realest.
He's not real!
Excuse me sir, excuse me, who is the real Will Wood?
Will: are you fucking--
Hello who is the Real Will Wood?
What?
Say something, Mike.
Where am I?
Just make it up!
Dude, come on.
We need one shot. We need one shot!
Mike! Mike! Mike!
What we do know is that he's between the ages of 22 and 28, and that he lives in New Jersey, with his most-likely adopted daughter.
Who may or may not exist.
And that's about all we know.
But here at Danger Baby Films, we have a saying.
You can't spell documentary without cum.
Nope.
No seriously, it's right there. D-O-C-U-M...
The point is; we don't shy away from a challenge.
It's right there.
So when my curiosity got the better of me, I set out to answer that question. Who is the real Will--
I thought I was going to say it.
Who is the real--
Who is--
The real Will Wood?
I thought I saw a ghost.
Well he was uh. He was uh. He was, he was carrying the
skin of a cat that he grew up with and
then had stuffed to preserve its memory in
physical form but decided that with the
skeleton inside the cat and all the stuff stuffing it it was too heavy so he removed the skin from the wireframe
of the taxidermy thing and slung it around his neck like a scarf. And um.
He was...
I settled into a new mind in a flea-bitten tub-ring paradise of a queen size suite
of a Wyndham Microtel Econolodge Red Roof Inn Knights Inn Super 8 whatever outside Richmond Virginia.
Curled up with an old Showtime softcore porno and flipped through my phone for a few hours.
Picked up a bag of swedish fish and a fistful of chocolate-covered cherries and a pack of Marlboro next for three dollars and ninety cents in the bodega by the Waffle House.
I spun my eyes over the beautiful floral arrangements blooming and tessellating in the stucco on the walls.
anything I figured to keep my mind off those goose bumps that were rising and squeaking and cracking and
quacking and threatening anaphylaxis and asphyxiation with every sharp inhale that I took.
With the threat of Stevens-Johnson syndrome behind my flesh.
And I watched as my skin crawled upwards to form a flesh noose to hang me from the rafters of that place I had found myself in
And I watched as my epidermis took on the shape whatever I feared the most in that moment. And I sat there down in that
flytrap-ashtray contemplating my next move, and weighing out the pros and cons
of every last rotten pulse.
It was either Wilmington North Carolina or the nearest hospital.
Kevin: Little-known fact, we used... I have a really old piano that we used for the recording.
He broke it, from playing it too hard. And then there was somehow blood on the upper half of the keys from all the sliding.
So, the blister juice... still haven't cleaned that off.
I think the first day we had booked he didn't even show up?
I tried to contact his people, could not get a response. Eventually somehow I got a hold of him.
Can't remember how that happened but he said
he was using a different calendar. Like Mayan? I don't understand
I don't know, we haven't let him back.
the whole time he was on stilts. so sometimes he would come
with to the sessions in different characters and one time he was like a
greaser type character and just acted like an asshole the whole time. He would
not get out of character, he would kick over garbage cans and not pick it up.
Uh... I mean there's the infamous clown I mean that needs no explanation.
what you have to do is become somebody other than what you thought you were in order to become somebody that somebody else could want
He would nourish himself from this like, plastic bone.
He brought like all these huge books and he had like four or five of those and he
would just like have them all set up and he'd flip through them and when he left
the room and I was able to go in there without him seeing me, without his entourage,
I like quickly like glanced at them and there was nothing in there it was all blank. And I was just...
That was weird to me.
He would watch videos... I think it was YouTube about trains like old-timey train videos. Which is...
I don't know what that does for him.
he had like these weird little like gadgets that were like
alarm clocks and he would hide them all
around the room and I could never find them and they still go off and I can't find all of them,
So I think he may have hid some in the walls when we were doing construction and now they're sealed up in there
it's pretty fucking annoying
I majored in Chinese literature at um...
somebody name a college.
He had an entourage of people with him and he was cloaked
so when he went in the room I couldn't even see him.
I don't know if I've met him yet.
I don't have an identity, I have an aesthetic.
He's incredible at basketball. Particularly three points. Nothing but net every time.
I think he's a...
tall, but...
but sad man.
We're here at Roxy and Dukes, de facto home base for Will Wood and his cult. If you look through here--
Vernon: step lively breeders, I have more pressing matters to attend to. Hey Griffin, that doesn't go there. Stage left. Left.
Christan: He is going to see us though, right?
Vernon: Well I don't know, William doesn't exactly love doing interviews during his pre-show rituals so you
have as much time as he's willing to give you.
Christan: But he will see us?
Vernon: Well I don't know, I haven't made an appointment in the 90 seconds that you've been here.
Plus ever since his daughter showed up--
Okay, okay, so he does have a daughter, then.
Of course he has a fucking daughter, what kind of a person would lie about have a daughter?
Uh, this is my daughter, Millicent K. Wood.
She is a few years old.
And here she stands before you made of uh... uh... flesh. Um... and bones.
And other gross...
the things that inside the body.
um alright that's enough you can go. Go.
Seems kind of young?
He's an old soul. He doesn't want public attention to do to Millie
what it does so literally every other young girl the public eye.
Constantly having to maintain parasocial relationships in your most formative years
isn't exactly the best way to avoid developing a complex where you place
too much self-worth on your value to others are some kind of commodity--
Hey Griffin! What the fuck are you doing with that par can? Yeah. I can see you.
And need constant external validation to function emotionally
And fill that void with whatever distracts you from its existence.
As far as William's concerned sticking a camera in his face
is like offering his daughter cocaine.
Anyways, he's through here.
Thank you.
Yeah, fine.
But as far as your boss is concerned; you're a fucking coke dealer.
Hey Griffin, why don't you take five for lunch
and eat shit?
Wait, did you say she has cocaine?
No, Reese.
Okay.
Mr. Wood? Christian Dunning, documentarian. I'd like to--
What is this?
Traditional Yogic pose. Looks like Kundalini's reawakening exercise.
It's fucking weird
Mike: we're rolling.
You've been known for defying genre.
Uh, you've been compared to Tom Waits, Elton John, My Chemical Romance...
where do you find your influences?
So uh...it's been half an hour and uh...
I just saw you break into somebody's house I am not gonna sit here and indulge you
idea that you're fucking enlightened or whatever.
I know you can hear me you little shit. I know you can hear me fuckface.
I can't take this shit. Come on Siddhartha.
I can't take this shit. Hey shithead.
I can't take this shit.
Time to be here now, Ram Dass.
I won't take this shit!
Mike where's my klonopin?
Mike: I, uh...
Did you not bring my fucking klonopin?
Mike: I didn't know I was supposed to...
Great. Fucking great model employee Mike.
Mike: You never... paid me...
Reese: you want a bump dude?
Where did you get that?
The coke dealer.
Mike: I don't think you should be--
Hey, shut the fuck up, Mike.
Yeah, Mike!
You too you fucking goblin!
everyone of you is a fucking goblin you
know that? Just...just...this is the problem
no one here is willing to do anything more than the bare fucking minimum.
Just passing off responsibility to everybody but themselves like...
Like a fucking goblin!
You're a goblin, you're all fucking goblins!
I'm surrounded by goblins!
Okay. Okay.
Yeah if you could just get here as soon as possible.
I think he's concussed. There's a lot of blood.
All right. Yeah. Please hurry. Thanks so much.
Pizza will be here in 15.
Do you still like me? I'm feeling very vulnerable.
Audience member: Fuck!
I no longer feel safe.
Will can handle hecklers with the best of them
Will: Fuck you that fucking sucks dude! That was all bad notes!
No talent! No talent! No talent!
He is just calm and cool.
I would rather be drawn and quartered by neo-nazis riding the backs of
wildebeests then listen to another unholy marriage of consonant and vowel
coming out of that foul hole you call mouth.
He never loses the levity.
That's the fucking dumbest thing I ever heard. You gotta shut the fuck up who the hell are you?
Whatever I already have your money.
When he's saying something on stage he really likes when the fans yell really loud.
yeah that is the best contribution I've heard all night!
Because um... it's an interruption of the
thing that he worked so hard to produce
Thank you so much. You taught me something.
So he really enjoys the feeling of that sort of being snatched from his clutches.
Will put into place and name-your-own-price policy for merchandise.
It was a short trial run.
My balls are wet so. That usually means my work is done.
Will Wood is a f***ing lunatic.
For those of you just tuning in yes those are teeth.
Mike: Let's see 'em, how many did you get?
Fan: He just has real teeth.
Will is kind of strange.
I have a few in my pocket.
Wow! You got a lot!
You definitely got more.
Come here.
Oh, where do I get the teeth? The internet. China.
Welcome to the show, how you been, what's your name?
Here I go, crowdsurfing.
Let's open up this fucking pit.
If you're not your worst behavior...
Get the fuck out.
Alright! Thanks to our tenacity,
perseverance, and general strength of spirit we have moved forward!
Undaunted by misfortune! we've secured another interview with Mr. Wood despite all the apparent
challenges. Just took a little bit of persuasive language.
You know, Reese can be difficult sometimes.
No!
Did I put it on the grill?
He's a habitual user of barbiturates, hard stimulants, hallucinogens, and weed
and he always breaks at least $100 worth of equipment per shoot but god damn it if Reese Van Krueger isn't the finest line producer I've ever met.
Yes, good afternoon, this is Detective R.L. Stine
with the Endicott Sheriff's Department. We have reason to believe that there may
be a suspect in a high-level drug trafficking case currently at your
facility. Has anyone checked in the last 24 hours with the name Will Wood?
Okay.
I'm gonna need a room number for the individual right away. Okay.
dispatch is setting over units right now please stay where you are. Okay?
Alright yes. Thank you.
I'm very drunk, goodbye.
Hi. Hello.
Stranger: Movie movie movie?
Reese: Yeah.
Holy shit, it's open. Okay. Mike don't fuck this up for me again, okay? Do you understand?
I will fuck your dad.
Will: Beautiful fucking tits, I'm Johnny Depp god damnit, just watch me d-- oh.
Will: Ahh.
So it ends as it begins. I I know things haven't been perfect.
Let's face it it's been weird. if anything I blame myself. For not keeping my spirit my mind present. So...
I'm an open book. Go ahead.
Ask me anything. Whatever you'd like to know. I'm all yours.
Okay!
Okay, good! Um...
Will: What's up dude?
Uh uhh I don't know know, I...
D-do you...
Yeah?
Horseshit!
B-b-buh buh-boxers or briefs?
What the fuck was that?
I don't know! I just looked into that fucking eye on his forehead and all I can think about was
like, face paint and saxophones.
Um... have you... you ever kiss a girl?
I've never fucking choked like that.
I'm a fucking journalist goddamn it!
Five and a half inches, average girth.
uh what's what's average?
He's psychic I know that sounds insane but it's like
one second I am ready to expose the truth about this person and the next I'm
a fucking mindless child!
You know I'm not--
I just I just want to make something that people give a shit
about you know like... I just like... like my... I feel like I have so much to say and
Oh, sorry.
This isn't over! This isn't over you hear me you fucking
snake? I'm coming for you. I'm going to find out exactly who the real Will Wood is.
Reese: Who?
Why do you think you slapped me?
Mike: are you sure you want us filming this?
Ladies and gentlmen, boys, girls, neithers, boths and in-betweens --
Christian: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey bitch!
Christian: Don't think I don't know you.
Don't think I don't know you, okay? Okay, you're a fucking snake! You're a snake!
Oh look! I'm Will Wood! I'm gonna do a bunch of random shit and nobody's gonna get it, no one's gonna know what's going on.
Oh, I guess that makes it art! Fuck you!
Fuckin... what do you, what do you think you are? okay I've been doing, do-- don't you touch me!
Don't you fuck-- you're a fucking nobody! You're a fucking you... you know your place!
I have been doing this all by the book, okay? I have done everything the
way I'm supposed to do it and you're just fucking - who is who is the real
Will Wood, huh? Who are you? Who are you?
Who the fuck are you?
Boo this motherfucker!
Get the fuck offstage! Get this motherfucker off the stage! Come on, get the fuck off of here!
Jesus Christ. We tend to attract a certain type.
Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy!
Thank you for your patience. Thank you everybody. I don't know what that was
Christian Dunning, documentarian...
Will: Get the fuck offstage! Get this motherfucker off stage! Come on! Get the fuck off of here!
Jesus Christ.
Audience: fuck that guy!
Will: We tend to attract a certain type.
Thank you for your pa--
So... do we keep this?
We're done.
Mike: What?
We're done. I'm done.
Turn the camera off. I'm done.
So do we keep going?
Hey!
Fan: Hi?
Reese: Who's the real Will Wood?
Fan: What?
Oh who the f*** knows?
Who's the real Will Wood, bitch?
You have no f*cking idea, huh? Are you blind, is that why you're wearing that?
What's your name?
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Who's the real Will Wood? Mike Bottiglieri: No more questions I don't want any questions.
Want to dump this loser and go on home tonight? What's your name again?
Gabby.
Abby! That's a nice name, that's my sister's name.
He's an idea formed from the mind of God that just fell down to earth, rolled around in the mud, and is here tonight.
No.
Who's the real Will Wood?
I am.
I'm the real Will Wood.
I'm real Will Wood.
Why are you doing this?
Who's the real Will Wood? Jon: I'm very nervous right now.
You don't know?
My boyfriend's drug dealer.
Someone I look up to very much.
Lot of power in that handshake.
Who is the real Will Wood? Mike Bottiglieri: You already asked me this, man.
I don't know.
That guy sucks.
Who f*cking knows?
The jersey devil.
He is the reincarnation of our Lord and Savior.
Uh... Jewish man, mid 20's... that's all I know!
Do you ejaculate into a sandwich?
That guys the pits man, I tell ya.
but you know Wood plus Will, worms plus tape.
What does real Wood-- what's his name?
Half of my vocaublary is gone.
An unfortunate continuance of a discombobulated creation.
I don't know, I'm going to find out tonight though.
Can I get a kiss?
Absolutely not.
Uh, I don't think it matters.
No idea!
Actually just an astral projection right now, but he's actually sitting at home among 27 different types of insence.
Incest!
Hey who's the real--
Okay.
You can tell me anything, I'm on acid and I've been smoking weed and I'm drunk as f*** right now.
I'm a birdbath.
Hi, I'm Will Collins. The actor who plays Will Wood on stage and in this movie
that you're watching. Obviously. My face has been all over it, I don't know why I
bothered saying that. I'm Will Collins. Thing about the name Will Wood I didn't
just pick it because it had like good stage name cadence or because like it's
got that alliteration. The real reason I picked it is because it really, to me
felt like a little bit of a play off the idea of "Will Wood would or Will Wood
wouldn't Will would or Will wouldn't or what will Will Wood do what wouldn't he
do, you know. Sort of like an assertion like "I will not do what you expect me to
do, I'm not going to be who you think I should be. Cuz I do think that everybody
has somewhat of a right to perceive how they're... or to control how they're perceived.
Everybody's identity kind of becomes public domain when, when
it's out there but at the end of the day, I have a right. And right now that's
being taken from me. These people. These malicious scumbags are doing whatever
they want. I don't approve of this film. I don't condone this film I don't like
this film. I don't consent to this film. The way I'm being portrayed in this
makes me look completely ridiculous and completely absurd and is not at all
reflective of who I am as a person, or who I want to be as an artist. But the
thing is apparently they can just do that they can make me look like a
criminal at best or a... fucking malevolent trickster god, cuz apparently there's
some section of parody law in entertainment law like parody law
protects them. As long as they claim that it's a mockumentary as long as they say
"Hey we're just joking" apparently they can do whatever they want. And I have no
legal recourse, I have no personal recourse
I'm completely... this is out of my hands and so I'm what I'm saying is; this is
all I can do: is say to you people if you're watching this, please for the love
of God turn it off. Please. If--
Good evening. I'm William Casparian.
Multimedia pop artist and actor portraying "Will Collins" in the film you
are currently watching. Addressing the audience directly
in the context of dramatic production as I'm doing now by speaking to the camera
is referred to as breaking the fourth wall.
This practice gets its namesake from its roots in live theatre, where the action
in a play is performed as though there is an imaginary wall separating the
audience for the events unfolding before them.
This fourth wall is usually assumed in the suspension of disbelief, and when it's
denied and the convention is subverted, it's usually used to provide a humorous
interjection to the story they're watching, or to give a closer look inside the
minds of the characters. Most notably in the ---
I'm William Cardigan. Writer, actor, performer, and most notably creator of the "Will Collins," "Will Wood,"
and "William Casparian" characters. What I'm doing right now is using
a fourth wall breakage to inform the audience of the fourth wall's existence.
My intention with this is to provide a provocative subversion of what has at this point become nothing more than pseudo-intellectual fodder and essentially a trope used to
to parade about the auteur's presumed creativity and intellect like a
pair of big, swinging testicles.
I'm Willard Cabernacle. Hi. Just so we're clear the quality of art isn't somehow miraculously improved when it
acknowledges its own flaws. Okay? Alright? Okay? Cool. Okay. So just pointing out your
own flaws and being aware of them doesn't somehow erase them -- if anything
it only proves a lack of confidence of the part of the artist. If an artist makes a poor artistic decision and does so with conviction
sure the efficacy of his testicles may be called question. But their size, their weight,
their momentum, will not. Okay? Thank you. You learned.
Alright so let's say random example, okay? Random fucking example. You try to write a bad movie on purpose.
Guess what dude? All you did at the end of the day is just make another shitty fucking movie.
like wow okay all you're saying is "fuck you dude, I meant to waste your god damn time"
Fuck you, man. Wow congratulations! You're a goddamn genius with self-referential
shit. Well you know what, man? Fuck you you're not that original, alright? Miss me with that gay shit.
I'm Wes Craven, pansexual. In Joseph Campbell's "Hero with a Thousand
Faces," Campbell posits that all stories are, at their core, the same. I bring this
up to say that originality itself is an outdated concept. There are no new ideas
knowing this we can either abandon art entirely or acknowledge its future lies in self-reference.
Salutations ladies and gentlemen, I'm Wax Cassidy, owner,
proprietor, and CEO of Will Wood and the Tapeworms limited incorporated LLC, and if you want
me to be able to continue to make art, then go ahead and fish that
checkbook out of your daddy's bottom drawer and send it to blank to
Will Wood and the Tapeworms dot bigcartel dot com! That's right, and if you're a real fan and not some parasitic fucking layabout,
Then what you'll do is purchase one of our fine products from our line of Will Wood and the Tapeworms merchandise.
We've got hats, we've got T-Shirts, we got CD's, we got laptop cases, we got those little buttons you can put on the back of your iphone so you look like an asshole when you take a selfie.
That is right folks, and maybe, just maybe if you spend enough money...
maybe if you spend enough money
Next time one of you greasy little rat-fucks comes up to me at a concert
I won't have to pretend to remember your fucking face.
Art is dead and its blood runs cold over the capitalist's knife!
Yeehaw! Art is capitalism, grow the fuck up!
Uhhh greetings and salutations, ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, neithers, boths, and in-betweens. I'm Will Wood, imaginary person.
We are now trapped within a recursive loop of perpetual self-reference, thus
proving post-modernism is fucking stupid.
Will Wood: I don't get it.
Hey, I'm Quetzalcoatl.
immigration!
Give me your hearts!
Wait, what was that first line again?
Eh?
Eh!
Eh?
Ehh...
Ehhh?
Ayyyy!
Oh! Oh!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oooooooh!
Oh! Ah! Woah! Yeah!
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mhm.
Eh.
Eh!
Eh?
Eh!
Eh??
Eh?!
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Scene.
When we drop this shit, I wanna see you at each others' throats man, make some fuckin' noise. 1 2 3
Howdy!
I'm Christian Dunning and uh I'm a tree farmer
Well you know, it's the Christmas season. Gets pretty busy around here this time
of year. It's a good time to make a little bit of extra cash. Keep busy. it's
It's pretty peaceful the rest of the year but, you know, it can surprise you sometimes
besides there's something kind of magical about knowing that these kids are gonna be
opening up their gift from Santa under one of my trees. You know?
Now Blue Spruce has a good look to it but it's hardly your classic Christmas tree.
Needles are gonna be a little bit prickly on this one. Eastern hemlock: it's uh, it's gonna be a
bit sparse. Not a lot of room for ornaments but it's a sturdy tree.
Take a look at those cones. Hearty lookin' cones aren't they?
Tsuga Canadensis.
Now you want to make sure not to cut these down too
early or else you're gonna lose your needles. A good trick is ya, just take a little
bit off here, you know? Rub them together...
Yeah. Smells like Christmas.
How you know you got the right one.
You know, you just think, I uh... I wouldn't have found any of this peace if uh... Mike hadn't
single-handedly ruined by film career.
Who wants cocoa?