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(suspenseful music)
(jovial ominous music)
(suspenseful music)
♪ Eight o' clock this morning, ♪
♪ I am lying in my bed. ♪
♪ Waking from a dream - ♪
♪ Rather sweet and kinda bad. ♪
♪ Did I see my future? ♪
♪ 'Cause it can't have been my past! ♪
♪ What has life in store for me? ♪
♪ And is it gonna last? ♪
(dissonant dream deviance)
♪ Next stop is the bathroom, ♪
♪ I'm not feeling all that fresh. ♪
♪ Cat lick for the office, ♪
♪ 'Cause I badly need the cash. ♪
♪ Looking in the mirror, ♪
♪ I see my eyes are kinda red. ♪
♪ Wondering what is best for me ♪
♪ I go right back to bed. ♪
(alarm clock rings)
(dissonant dream deviance)
♪ Chewing on a gum that was left from yesterday. ♪
♪ Trying to leave behind ♪
♪ Everything that's caused dismay. ♪
♪ Looking in the paper, ♪
♪ Who still does that nowadays? ♪
♪ Desperately trying to keep up, ♪
♪ In a million different ways. ♪
(walking bass music)
- Watch out!
Can't you see that the young lady needs a rest?
(dark music)
Do you remember what I always do when I'm planning anything?
- You overlook everything and you oversee nothing.
(dark music)
- Exactly, I over...,
you idiot!
(dark music)
(upbeat jazz music)
(punch thud)
- Our cities aren't safe.
(sinister music)
(hand slap)
(sinister music)
(walking bass music)
- Hey knucklehead, what's up?
What do you say about the lady there, huh?
(smooth jazz music)
I have a responsibility to my inferiors
that I don't take lightly, Felix.
(smooth jazz music)
- What lady?
- Oh, come on. You know who I'm talking about. The lady!
The one you've been eating up with your bug eyes.
My flavor of the day.
- Your flavor?
- She's here for me, not for you.
Not in your wettest dreams.
You know, you wouldn't know what to do with her anyway.
Some people have a way with women and you ain't one of them.
You're good with papers and pencils
and flipcharts. That sort of thing.
What we need here is someone suave, someone sophisticated,
someone like...
Well, let me tell you one thing, my friend:
If you wanna please the customer,
you gotta please the chicks around him first.
You're aiming way too high, buddy.
Hey Jane!
If you need somewhere to put your handbag,
you can hang it on Felix's hard on.
He's crazy for the lady. (Jane and Ron laugh)
On second thought, don't hang it.
We don't know how solid this guy is, huh?
(Jane and Ron laugh)
I'm busy.
- So!
What did you do at the weekend?
- Oh, I went to the casino with a friend.
- Male or female?
- Female.
- What happened?
- We put our money together,
played a little Blackjack and won.
- [Jane] Did you fuck her?
- No, we split the win evenly.
- I mean,
did you FUCK her?
- Oh, hmm. That...that's a little private.
- Yeah, fucking tends to be.
- Did you go out?
- Well, yeah.
(sighs) Whatever.
(fairytale music)
- Hello.
Are you busy?
- Not right now.
- My boy had to leave
and I wonder if you could help me with my boxes.
They're a little bit heavy, you know.
- I bet they are.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
Only if I lifted them
which I...I wouldn't do,
un...unless you ask me to,
like now.
Can we leave?
Do you want to leave right now?
- Yes, follow me.
(walking bass music)
(dark music)
- Do we have everything we need?
- Yep.
- Guns?
- Mm-hmm.
- Rope?
- We do.
- Daggers?
- Of course.
- Do you think we'll get many?
- With you sir, always.
- Ah, the extenders!
- Got them.
Plenty.
- Have you tried them on?
- Well, no I have not.
- Why not, useless?
I'm already doing that
but we must find out if they also work
for less endowed men like you.
Oh, watch out. Here they come.
Go, go. You've got to hide!
(dark music) (women talking in background)
(Sviatoslav groans)
Oh...
My leg.
- Have you hurt yourself, sir?
- Yes, very much so dear.
Come a little closer.
(dark music)
- Yah!
(dark music)
- Are you on your way?
- Where to?
- I can show you.
I can open your eyes and make you see.
All the beauty there is in this world.
Everything we love
but also what we hate.
All the dangers lurking in the dark.
- Yahahahaha!
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
- Are you easily scared?
- What?
- Whoohaha!
- Then, you should come to my seminar!
I'll help you build up self esteem
and learn to defend yourself in dangerous situations.
A.C.T. Analysis. Control. Transformation.
I'll teach you to be the woman you've always wanted to be.
Blossom mentally, spiritually and sexually.
I also offer a large collection of toys
of the highest standard and adult entertainment.
Viewer discretion is advised.
(a touch of clarinet music)
This has been an extremely successful day.
Is the venue organized?
- Yup.
- I hope it's gonna be big enough.
Well, after a strenuous day
even men of great mental capacity
and physical strength like myself, should relax a little
and you, with your limited resources,
definitely need to unwind.
(a touch of clarinet music)
(women screaming)
No, don't...don't scare them anymore.
We're through with this for to...
Why didn't you tell me I'm still wearing
the penis extender, you idiot.
- I thought you saw that.
- See that?
I don't see my penis. It's not my job!
It's YOUR job to see my penis.
I see where it's pointing and follow its lead.
- I'm sorry boss, I'm so sorry.
From now on, I'll watch your penis constantly.
- You sick little pervert!
I won't have you watch my penis.
I'll get somebody new to do that.
Wait until I smash this on your stupid head.
- No, no. No! No.
(a minor touch sax music)
- It's not too heavy, is it?
- No, not at all.
(a minor touch sax music)
- [Sarah] I want you to meet Nevinovat,
Elena
and Sarita.
Girls, this is (snaps fingers)
- Felix.
- [Together] Hi, Felix.
- Hi...girls.
- Elena, why don't you tell Felix what it is that we do.
- We praise.
- Praise? Sure there's always something to...
- Sarita.
- We worship.
- Good for you. Good for you!
- Nevinovat.
- We praise and worship our savior in song.
- Of course you do.
What a great way of saving your face...
of praising your save...
Sa...savior in song.
- He's respected.
- We are connected.
- He's beloved.
- And he's above it.
- He'll always lead us.
- [Elena] Knows how to feed us.
- He brings redemption
- and needs attention.
- He won't sign a waiver.
- [Together] He will stay our savior.
- Shouldn't you be practicing your songs?
- Oh.
- Well.
- Yes.
- Can't Felix help us?
- Felix?
- Well, I'm not much of a singer
but of course, I'll give it a try.
- Great. Well, take it away then.
- Listen honey. We're gonna show you the way.
- The way?
- To sing our song.
If you feel ready to participate, just join us.
♪ He is the hope and the goal! ♪
- A spiritual song, I like that.
♪ He has the key to my soul! ♪
Call and response, great.
♪ He knows the way it should be. ♪
♪ He sees the truth cause He's He! ♪
♪ I am the hope and the goal! ♪
♪ I have the key to your soul! ♪
- Don't sing that part.
It's our savior's part.
- Oh, I understand.
Well, I guess he better sing that part then.
- Do you want a Mojito?
- Yeah, sure. Why not?
I mean, thank you ma'am.
- [Sarah] You may call me Sarah.
- Why?
- Because I say so.
And now sit down and have
(drop leaking)
(sizzling sound)
a drink.
I'm going upstairs to my husband now.
(dramatic fairytale music)
Go back to the girls. They have more songs to show you.
(dramatic fairytale music)
- Thank you, honey.
- Nice to see you again, Felix.
Did you come up with the idea to this spot?
- I had an idea for the spot but Ron wouldn't have it.
If you analyze the current political...
- Don't analyze.
Just feel
and you'll get there!
Did you enjoy singing with the girls?
You must visit us again soon.
I see a bright future for you, my dear Felix
but right now, you're just a very quiet man
in a very loud world.
- Okay, let's go for a first take.
- Walker Power: Scene two, take one.
- And action.
- And that is why my wife and I support our country
in every way possible.
Family, fatherland and fame.
- Cut.
Ah, it's...it's frame, not fame.
Family and fatherland frame our lives.
- Did I say fame?
It's that weird guy there, he's making faces all the time.
He's distracting me.
- Faces?
What kind of faces?
- Faces like...like he doesn't wanna vote for me.
- Felix, if I had a face like that,
I would try to move it as little as possible
in order not to attract any unnecessary attention.
Okay?
Just don't be a nuisance.
Oh and Felix? Who are you voting for?
- I'm voting for Mister Walker.
- [Ron] And why?
- I think the socio-economical situation
during the last administration...
- The slogan, Felix!
- Oh, yes, of course.
Family and fatherland frame his wife.
- What?
- Ah...our lives. Our lives!
- [Ron] Okay, let's just start from the top again, okay?
- Walker Power: Scene two, take two.
- [Ron] And action.
- For family and fatherland I frame my wife.
Why did he mention my wife?
That little bastard! So that's why he's making these faces.
He's coming on to her.
- Uh, you know, let's just go to page 12, okay?
Ah...crime and punishment.
- Walker Power: Scene four, take one.
- [Ron] Action.
- Terrorists are flooding our country,
crime is at an all time high
and more and more people are getting divorced,
but in this crisis, we must pervert justice...
- Ah...it's:"We must persevere! Justice will reign", honey.
- Well, if that little freak keeps moving around
that fucking sign to and fro, how am I supposed to
do anything right? - You know what,
Jamie, let's just forget about the text.
Give us one of your famous impromptu speeches, yeah?
Okay, so without the slate, just roll.
- We live in dark times.
Our cities aren't safe.
Scoundrels are everywhere and young people
indulge in dirty forms of sex.
Do we have to accept this?
Do we have to lead a low life
without morals and uplifting thoughts?
Of course we don't, because I am the man to shed light
on the mess our country has become
and in the brightness of day, I will clean the streets
and souls and let us all live in prosperity and purity!
So watch out all you evil doers
and law breakers, for you are doomed
because I will unleash the hounds of Hell
to chase you from the face of the Earth.
I will smash and crush and destroy...
- Jamie, wonderful! - I will eliminate you...
- Wonderful! I find that quite...
I think that's, ah...that's all we really need.
So, one more, just like that
and this time, a little closer on Mister Walker
and Sarah! Why don't you join him on this one, yeah?
- [Felix] Walker Power: Scene four...
- The slate is not in the picture. Move it in.
More!
That's good, go.
- Walker Power: Scene four, take two.
- Ah!
(hand slap)
Are we winning?
- You tell me! You went to the agency.
How are the numbers?
- Sure did.
This Ron is a creepy guy.
- Why?
- He's all over me half the time.
- Come on, you know how these agency guys are.
Are you surprised he wants to fuck you?
Everybody does.
- Unless they're married to me.
- Honey, I've got long hours these days.
We gotta concentrate on the campaign, right?
I am running for Governor
and I need all my juice to fuck the public.
So if you wanna have fun,
you better hold my dick when I do it.
Honey, I gotta go.
I forgot something!
- Oh, did you?
Don't be long!
(She tosses the ring)
- Damn, he's still inside of her.
This is going to be difficult.
Thank God he came in through the backdoor.
This makes my life a little easier.
(chuckles)
(Elena startles)
- What? What, what, what? What is it?
- Oh, I just had a nightmare.
I was getting married.
- Then what happened?
- A monster came...ate everyone up at church
right after the wedding.
- Why are you whining?
- I don't know.
It feels as if I've just lost my only chance
of ever keeping a wedding ring.
(Elena sobs)
Look!
The show is about to begin!
(people talking in background)
(A.C.T. theme)
- Ladies, welcome!
(audience applauds)
Welcome to our big A.C.T seminar.
Now that's A.C.T: Analysis. Control. Transformation!
In this life, we sometimes...
- [Sviatoslav] Cut it out, you idiot!
This is my show, bugger off!
(audience laughs)
- And now, my dear ladies,
without any further ado,
I present to you the host of this show,
the brain behind A.C.T,
the source of all our inspiration!
I give you Sviatoslav Rău!
(audience applauds)
- Welcome ladies, welcome!
Tonight, my fluid, my essence
will enter your hearts and souls,
your minds and bodies
to grow there and form new life.
Tonight, I'm going to take you to a higher level -
much higher than you ever thought you could rise.
Back from my global perambulations
I'm here for this special part of our seminar
that is dedicated to the receiving sex.
For the first part of our show we need an audience member.
(women shouting)
Yes, you dear!
Come on up, please.
(women talking in background)
What's your name, luv?
- Sarita.
- A little louder, honey!
- Sarita.
- Sarita! Now, where are you from, Sarita?
- I'm from Frankton.
- Frankton. That's just beautiful
but, more importantly, where do you want to go?
- I...I don't know.
What do you mean?
- You don't know. But of course not!
You have simply no idea
because you're lost and alone and...
- That's not exactly what I...
- AND! You don't know where to go
but that's what you need me for: To show you the way!
The way to find happiness!
Now, ladies of all nations, Sarita is hauntingly beautiful.
BUT! What about her mind?
Sarita, what is eight times nine?
- Why?
72?
- Well, that was easy, now. Wasn't it?
But what about we asked Sarita what 234 times 786 is.
- 183924.
- Yes, we can see that a woman, however beautiful...
(upbeat jazz music)
That's remarkable, quite remarkable
but of course, we've all heard of little
coincidences like this one.
Well, Sarita, just tell me: What is 245785
divided by 778812?
- 0.31559.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Well, seems like we're dealing
with a little smart ass here.
Sarita, I don't think you've quite perceived
the nature of this show.
There's so much more to life than just mathematics.
I don't know why you're constantly bringing up that subject,
if not to brag with your little talent there.
- Well, I don't think it's appropriate...
to constantly interrupt a program
that's been successful all over the world
from Budapest to Suriname?
Now hush up with you, you ungrateful little brat!
Let's see if we can't find an apter contestant.
You!
(audience applauds tentatively)
And you are?
- Nevinovat.
- Nevinovat. How many small circles can a large circle hold?
- Well, I'm not sure.
Maybe 20.
- 20? Perhaps
or perhaps a little more?
- Ah, possibly up to 26?
- Possibly, possibly.
Well, no, Nevinovat. No! No! No!
The correct answer is: It all depends!
It was actually a trick question.
Now, Nevinovat was incapable of construing this mystery
because her mind doesn't reach the same level
that her beauty manages to climb to
or as we most commonly would put it: She is stupid!
(audience laughs)
Well, don't you worry my dear
because an underdeveloped mental capacity
is quite often accompanied by a distinct moral superiority
because the soft-headed usually don't see
all the opportunities for evil-doings in this world.
It is beyond their grasp!
You may sit down now, Nevinovat.
(crescendo music)
Now this demonstrates the moral decay
of the so-called scientists with their mathematics
that have never helped anyone
(bag smack)
(a touch of violin music)
- I'm so sorry, boss!
I wish...
- What do I always tell you?
- To clean up after we're done?
- What ELSE do I always tell you?
Be aware of...
- Be aware of...
attacks at all times?
- Mmhmm.
- So sorry, boss.
I was too far away.
- Too far away? What do you mean too far away?
Too far away to shoot her?
- No, I just thought we should better
not resort to extreme measures.
- Extreme measures?
I'll show you extreme measures!
- Boss, please. Your performance!
- What time is it?
I gotta run a show here tonight!
Why are you talking to me?
This is very unprofessional!
The curtain. The curtain!
Gentlemen! Lovers of love!
You all know what it's like
when spring has entered your hearts
and you want to consume the female of your choosing
but she makes you go through that tedious process
of getting to know each other,
that is every woman's condition,
may it last for half an hour or half a lifetime,
to invite you to dine at her secret garden.
Tonight, I'm going to teach you
how to accelerate this annoying process.
I've brought to you a typical female
(audience applauds and whistles)
that we will now see interact with a volunteer.
Yes, you in the third row with the weirdly coloured tie.
Please come on up here!
(audience applauds tentatively)
Are you a wimp, young man?
- No.
(clears throat)
- Can't hear you. (audience laughs)
- No, I am not sir.
- No, you are NOT!
Then make a pass at her.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
(Amalia yawns)
(audience laughs)
I just read a very interesting book.
- A book?
Don't you have a computer?
(audience laughs)
- Sure, I just like the look and the smell of a book.
I guess I like the sensuous joy of reading.
I like to touch things.
- You like to touch things, you little pervert?
(audience laughs)
- I think we've got off on the wrong foot here.
Let's start...
- Well, what's the RIGHT foot?
What the fuck do you want from me?
- I...I just saw you standing there and I wanted to know...i
- How you can touch, you slimeball?
- Please give a warm hand to my assistant Amalia!
(audience applauds and cheers)
That was good fun now, wasn't it?
And we've learned quite a bit too.
We've seen all the wrong movements,
heard all the wrong phrases,
brought about with the completely wrong attitude.
(audience laughs)
You couldn't have possibly made more mistakes, my friend!
How do you survive out there?
The women must eat you up alive.
Well, if only they did.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I have to rest my case!
I can do a lot but with you...
Don't forget to purchase your personal penis extender
on your way out.
Maybe that can help a little bit? A tiny bit? A wee wee?
(upbeat jazz music)
(woman speaks Quechua)
(upbeat jazz music)
(women laughing and talking in background)
- Okay girls, enough is enough!
That's it for today. I need a break!
Go dance.
(upbeat jazz music)
- What can I do for you?
- The usual.
- There you go.
- I'll never get used to that.
- Doesn't seem all that hard to do.
- That's what you think because you haven't lived it.
- Yeah, that's for sure.
- No, no, no. Sorry mate! I didn't mean to put you down
but you gotta understand:
They don't always leave just like that,
so, it's ah...
more like a curse, you know.
- A curse?
To be successful with women?
- It's not like you think.
You can't really control it.
- What do you mean?
(Samyaza sighs)
- I simply can't stop it.
Just occasionally they leave me alone.
- Are you trying to say that it's always like this?
- As I told you: It's a curse!
I have been plagued by it for 12 years now.
- A curse?
You mean literally?
- Quite literally.
You may find it appealing
and that's what I thought at the beginning too.
As a matter of fact, that's why I got it in the first place
or rather why I let it be passed on to me.
- Passed on to you?
- That's just how it works.
You meet someone who has had it long enough
to wanna get rid of it
and then, if that man has informed you truthfully
and comprehensively about all the dangers involved,
it can be passed on to you.
- Could it be passed on to me?
- You understand that this is permanent
until you find somebody who is willing to release you?
- Yeah.
- Good,
but beware my friend because the power that comes
from within can never be controlled completely.
But they say
that the pure of heart are strong enough to try.
- Done. No problem!
- Okay.
Then we must perform the ritual now.
- [Felix] But how?
- I'll show you.
Do what I do.
Now you're going to say:"Please, give it to me!".
- Please, give it to me!
- Now it's all yours.
Waitress?
May I have a beer please?
- Don't touch me, dirty old man!
- It's working.
It's working!
I can't believe it, I really lost it.
I gotta go, my friend.
- But, what am I supposed to do now?
- You'll figure it out.
It's all about the touch, you know? You'll see.
Just remember what I told you.
(upbeat jazz music)
(fairytale music/celeste version)
(fairytale music/piano version)
(staccato music/piano version)
(staccato music/horn(y) section)
(fairytale music/celeste version)
(weird music)
(minor second music)
(walking bass music)
(staccato music/flute section)
(upbeat cembalo music)
(staccato music/celeste version)
(slow-down-you-move-too-fast music)
(somber music)
(minor second music)
(women growl)
(minor second music)
- Hey baby, what are you up to?
- Oh, hi. Nice to see you but, as you can see,
I'm not in the mood.
- But darling, what has happened to you?
- Never mind.
I'm...I'm okay, I just need to rest.
- Oh please, just let me!
- No!
I said I'm not in the mood. You've gotta respect that.
I'm not your plaything, you know.
I'm having a terrible headache, my ankle is hurt
and I just need to rest now!
- But honey, we can take care of you.
- [Bench Woman] Help you!
- [Shower Woman] Heal you!
- No, not now!
Don't move. I've got my gloves here.
- No, please don't...
- I'm gonna have to put them on if you don't calm down.
- Felix, come on, you can't.
- Yes I can and I have a wetsuit too.
- [Shower Woman] Felix no!
- Yes I do.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna take it out
and put it on right now.
- We treated you like we have never treated any other man.
- Yeah.
- We want you!
- We need you!
- Then, don't waste me!
I'm just real tired right now.
I'm going through something completely new,
something strange and wild but also - beautiful!
It's, YOU are beautiful
but don't pour your beauty all over me all the time
'cause...'cause I'm really drowning from... love.
At first it just got me wet all over
but now it's coming up to my mouth
and I see it rising and my throat gets tight.
I...I...
Please! Just give me a break to recover some energy
and time to understand all of this, okay?
- Okay, fair enough.
You take your rest, see you tomorrow.
- Bye for now, honey.
- Take care of yourself, darling.
- Get a good night's sleep and in the morning,
you'll be up again, stronger than ever.
(smooth jazz music)
- Aw, that is so cute!
Seems like someone finally got some action,
some rough action.
(chuckles) You look like you've been fucked.
Didn't sleep much last night?
- [Felix] Not really.
- What do you mean "not really"?
What happened to you?
- Nothing, just hung out with a couple of friends.
- Female friends? (laughs)
- Yeah.
- Oh well, that is something else, huh?
Somebody's finally gotten the gist of it, ay? (chuckles)
Well, congratulations, man.
Oh...
It looks like your little fling has just shown up.
- Felix! Felix...Felix!
- And she brought a friend. (chuckles)
- Let me go, you bastard!
(all three acquaintances shouting in background)
- And another.
You...Wait a minute! How many did you say that you...?
- Well, I'm experimenting a bit at the moment.
Can't really keep count, you know?
- Oh, and where did you say that
you met all of these new...friends?
- I picked them up yesterday.
They were running from your apartment.
- Felix, wait a second! - Baby, wait!
- Felix, Felix!
(doorbell ring)
- Hello, my name is Felix Blythe.
Professor Jones is expecting me.
- [Professor Jones] Has the young gentleman arrived?
(dish shattering)
- Hello Professor Jones. My name is Blythe, Felix Blythe.
We talked on the phone.
Thank you very much for receiving me on such short notice.
You remember? It's about the curse.
- No! No cursing around my house!
- Oh, come on, darling! We're talking cults here.
- Yeah.
- Welcome, my friend.
You see, I don't have many visitors anymore.
Your case just seems fascinating to me.
Come on, I'll show you something.
I've done a little research. Based on
the information you've given me
we find a curse of your kind mentioned
in many different cultures,
as early as 5000 years ago.
You see, already the Sumerians complained
about the difficult nature of the female
and the, therefore, complicated road to procreation.
(suspenseful music)
Legend has it that Uruk, the Smart,
a local businessman of a south Sumerian tribe
who was in charge of distributing agricultural products,
got so frustrated with the famously beautiful Ashihara
and her negative attitude towards
uncomplicated sexual encounters,
that he went to his spiritual advisor Saki for help.
(jovial ominous music)
When confronted with the idea
of equipping Uruk with a magic spell
that would enable him to have physical access
to any Sumerian lady at the time of his choosing,
the spiritual advisor felt ambivalent.
While being able to relate to the problem,
Saki warned that the power that comes from the origin
of the world must never be released in its entirety
or mankind was doomed!
One half of nature, he went on to explain,
was to hold the balance by resisting,
thereby ensuring the constant development
of the strength of the other half.
Although later scientists concluded that
this euphemistic approach to human relations in general
and the complicated arousal process
of a female in particular
was based on Saki's lack of amerous success,
the principle of the duality of nature
was supported by great parts of Sumerian society.
When Uruk insisted that the fate of the world
was of lesser importance than his personal success
with women, Saki relented and prayed to Osku for help.
That night, in his sleep,
he was given a mysterious physical ritual
involving the right hand moving up and down
in front of one's face and a magic sentence.
The next day he showed the ritual to Uruk,
told him the magic words to go with it
𒀀𒃽𒇗𒂸 𒎍 𒍭
𒀀𒃽𒇗𒂸 𒎍 𒍭,
warned him to use it unwisely
and, should he become bereft of his physical powers,
to pass it on to somebody else -
the same way he had acquired it.
Uruk is believed to have died of a heart attack
after a long and fierce alimony battle
over his last 14 children with Ashihara.
Over the course of the next 5000 years
this legend showed up in many different
cultures all over the world.
Famous people identified as potential bearers
of the curse were Casanova, Don Juan and The Beatles.
Though nothing could ever be verified
beyond reasonable doubt.
- Wow, so at least I'm following a long tradition.
Well, Professor, thank you very much for your help.
I've already taken up enough of your precious time.
- Don't mention it.
- Goodbye. - It's been a pleasure.
(Ron rustles through the bushes)
- We must get bigger.
This can only be the beginning.
We must organise seminars in every town, every country
and on every continent in the world!
- (chuckles) Yes and in every province too.
- That's included, you idiot.
- Oh, you...you mean, they don't have to pay?
- No! When I'm talking about every country,
then every province is included
and when I'm talking about every continent,
then every country is incl...
(Felix's frantic female followers follow Felix)
That's a completely new concept!
- Bu...but that's the guy from our show.
- What guy?
- The loser?
- The...Why? What?
- The guy you told Amalia
to make look stupid.
- Oh, that guy.
He must have learned something then.
Do you think he got all of that from our seminar?
- (laughs) No, of course not!
(crescendo music)
(a minor touch sax music)
Boss!
I'm so sorry!
- Hi, cowboy!
I hear you're getting mighty popular around here.
- Well, I try my best.
I'm just a bit stressed out lately.
Too much work, you know.
- That's not what I'm hearing.
They say you're the new ladies man
that gets all the juices flowing.
So you better listen up boy,
'cause it's not working with me.
I'm all dried up on you. You couldn't squeeze it in there
if you had put it in milk before.
(Jane moans sensually)
- So, is there anything else you need?
- I need you. Ah, I need you!
I need you to go to Ron's office. He wants to talk to ya.
Mm.
Ooh, nice.
Nice talking to you Felix.
We should really do this more often.
(Jane moans sensually)
(smooth jazz music)
(door knocking)
- Come in.
Good to see you.
Very good to see you. How are you?
- [Felix] I'm okay.
- (chuckles) But it's more than that, isn't it?
You're doing absolutely great.
I mean, look at you! You're the talk of the town.
Your touch with the ladies just seems to be special -
really special!
Actually, I think I might have underestimated you
in that respect a bit.
I know you've been a good sport with the jokes and all
but this really surprises me.
Anyway, since you've obviously developed
quite a bit of charisma lately,
I think we need to look at your position.
- My position?
- Your position in our company.
We always have advanced positions for guys
who have a hand with the ladies.
- Well, I don't know. I'm a little tired lately and
I don't know if I could...
- Sure you can!
A certain someone that I know is very special to you
will be here any minute
and then we're gonna talk about your future, my friend,
because with your talent and my ideas,
we could really go places.
But first I gotta show you something.
This is really cool.
- [Felix] What's that for?
- Well, hop in for a second and you'll understand...partner!
Good, now just put your hand up through that hole there.
There you go.
It adds a special stimulation that never fails.
Satisfaction guaranteed!
And it was actually constructed with you in mind
to better channel your talents.
- Wait.
F...Get me the fuck out of here!
- [Ron] You said you needed a rest.
- Open the fucking board!
- [Ron] Relax! If you wanna make the most
out of your talent, you need to learn how to focus.
- Ron, I know you're a bit of a joker and all
but th...this is really not nice!
I...
(door knocking)
- Here she comes.
If you even think about making a sound,
you can forget about your job
and now relax, buddy.
You said you like experiments.
Come in.
- Be careful, you're going down a very slippery road.
- Oh, well. Maybe I like it a little slippery.
- Please, cut it out or you will slip,
fall and never get up again.
So, the campaign? What about the poster?
- Right, well...
It so happens that we have
an image for you.
This is our first attempt. What do you think?
- Hmm, well it's a little basic
but I'm sure Jamie will like it.
- Hmm
and well, what about you?
What do you like?
Do you like if I touch you?
(Sarah moans sensually)
Hm, you do!
That's better.
- [Sarah] Oh yes!
(recreational procreation sounds in background)
♪ All alone in my bedroom ♪
♪ I think about a place, ♪
♪ Where you are close to me. ♪
♪ All filled up with endless gloom ♪
♪ My soul rests on a face, ♪
♪ That I can never see. ♪
♪ Haunting glimpses soon desolve ♪
♪ And leave my mind so bare. ♪
♪ The gap cannot be filled. ♪
♪ You my heart wants to involve ♪
♪ But since you are nowhere ♪
♪ The thirst cannot be stilled. ♪
♪ You detract the "I" from me ♪
♪ To take it in your sea. ♪
♪ Without you I can't be. ♪
♪ A second slowly bends its head ♪
♪ To make the minute last, ♪
♪ That witnesses my pain. ♪
♪ The flow of time seems almost dead. ♪
♪ I know it won't be fast ♪
♪ Till I see you again. ♪
♪ You are everything I see! ♪
♪ Without you I'm not me. ♪
♪ Without you I can't be! ♪
♪ You detract the "I" from me ♪
♪ To take it in your sea. ♪
♪ Without you I can't be! ♪
♪ You complete eternity. ♪
♪ You share your soul with me. ♪
♪ Without you I can't be! ♪
(No Nonsense News Theme)
- Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
A formerly unknown advertising agent
by the name of Felix Blythe
has made the headlines today,
because he was frequently seen all over town
running away from a group of infatuated women.
Because of his profession, different media analysts
have commented that this might be linked
to a campaign of some sorts,
but Surrey's International, the agency the young man
is working for, has denied any connection,
although a representative uttered a statement
saying that they will utter a statement
when and if anything will have to be
stated or uttered at all.
Of course, we are watching this development for you.
Henry Clowell has the latest.
- Tim, I'm waiting here in the beautiful West Park
of the city where Felix Blythe, the media phenomenon,
is said to pass by on a regular basis.
It's all quiet right now but I can still
see remnants of last night's events
when, as one of our secret sources has revealed,
a Roman orgy must have been taking place.
Well, let's see.
Here are some pieces of clothing.
(Felix's frantic female followers follow Felix)
Oh, I think they're coming.
(Felix's frantic female follower's fawning)
(sinister music)
- Geez, look at this! That is one lucky bastard
and he's so fast.
- He's used to that by now.
- What's that?
- He's become quite fast,
that's 'cause he's got a lot of exercise.
- Do you know him?
I think I know him.
His face looks familiar.
- He works for us.
- But why is he doing all that running?
- He has to.
- [Jamie] Why?
- 'Cause they're after him.
- Sure, but why doesn't he just enjoy?
- Oh, he has but now he's a little used up.
Doesn't have that much anymore.
- (chuckles) You mean, he's running out of...
- Yeah and he wants to save the last bits for me.
Anyway, if you're interested in the guy, you're set
'cause Ron's already on him investigating everything.
The thing with Felix, you don't think there's anything
special at first but when he touches ya, something happens,
an explosion, eruption, so massive and unbelievable!
Well anyway, get me Ron!
I'll need this runner.
He will lead the chick vote my way. (chuckles)
- I'm gonna try to catch up with him,
maybe I can get an interview.
(menacing music)
- That's Felix!
He was so calm when he was here.
He's changed so much since he's been gone.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What is it?
- Why is it that all these women are following you?
- It's 'cause they like me in a certain physical way.
That's somewhat hard to explain.
I just wanna state that I can't be held responsible
or at least not solely responsible.
You see, I didn't ask for any of this.
Well, not in so many words.
Okay, I might have wished for something to change
but I never expected anything like this.
- Okay, one more question, sir.
- No, gotta run!
- Okay, but maybe you, young lady.
- [young woman] Yah.
- So, how long have you been involved in this enterprise?
- Not so long.
- What's this all about?
- It's just so nice when he touches you.
- When he touches you? - Yes.
- Under what conditions and where?
- I don't know. I just heard it's special
and all my friends are here as well.
- Well, Tim, I think we're just...just running out of time.
- No, actually we are not, Henry.
Can you maybe try to speak to someone
who has had contact to him?
- Thou shall not make women follow.
- He doesn't.
They just follow him anyway.
- And how would you know, Sarita?
- I saw him.
He didn't do anything to MAKE them follow him.
They WANT to follow!
- And why is that, I wonder?
- Maybe he's got healing hands?
- Healing hands?
What are you trying to say?
- Well, it's...
He touches women.
- Thou shall not touch!
- Elena, have you been following these people?
You know they're not pure in heart,
just stay away from them.
Did you enter their sphere?
- No, I was far away.
- Did Felix touch you?
- No!
Sarita?
- Only he may touch from within and without.
- It is said that only he may touch but who is he?
(Sarita's redemption music)
- We know that Sarita. He is our savior.
- What if he's really someone else?
- When did you have your last consultation with our savior?
- About a week ago.
- And what did he tell you?
- That I must look for the light...in him.
- Yes!
Because right now, you don't see the light.
You live in darkness
and he who does not see, must feel!
(menacing music)
(whip cracking. Sarita screams)
(Felix's frantic female followers flaunting)
- So, and as Felix's frantic female followers
have dispersed a bit, it's time to analyze this phenomenon.
Sir, sir! As an avid connoisseur of media sensations,
what's your perception?
- [Follower] He's sitting on that bench.
- Please, sir.
Sir!
The public has a right to know.
(Felix's frantic female followers flip)
And as we continue our broadcast...
(smooth jazz music)
- Faith and family frame our...?
He just won't accept anything more modern.
Nothing light and fun!
He always wants to fight some evil forces
or cleanse our hearts and souls!
Where is the attraction? Where is the MAGIC?
(Felix's frantic female followers flock
That's Felix!
What the...?
It's turned into an epidemic...
and he's running away from it.
Ah, that poor bastard wouldn't know his destiny
if it slapped him in the face.
What a waste!
I will see to it that this strange gift
finds a more deserved bearer.
(Felix's frantic female followers flood)
- That's him! He's still at it.
(Felix's frantic female followers flabbergast)
- Sorry, sorry, ma'am. I just want to ask YOU
what this is all about.
- It's about him and what he does to women.
- Well, what is it exactly that he does to them?
- He lets us live! He makes us feel!
He makes us see the light!
- He has a way with women.
How come you didn't see that?
- Well, he was our idiot.
- No, YOU are our idiot!
He's really going for it now.
I put him down in the show.
That must have helped him build up self esteem!
Remember when I put you down?
- Which time?
- Last year, when your avalanche
of stupidity ruined my seminar!
- When did I...?
- Ah, shut up!
I'm speaking metaphorically here.
I don't have to give any examples.
Everybody knows about your constant mistakes anyway.
What did it feel like when I told you off
in front of the whole audience?
- It felt just...just like...
- It motivated you!
You messed up a little less afterwards.
So, what happens when you put people down?
- [Sidekick] They feel...
- Yes?
- [Sidekick] They feel just...
- They catapult right up again.
It's pure physics! You put pressure on their heads
and then they jump back higher and higher.
- Well, Tim. It seems to be about life, feelings and light.
- I'm gotta get him and then I squeeze it out of him
and then I have it and I intend to keep it.
- But where does the light come from?
- From within! Deep deep within!
- Henry! Are you...are you all right?
- Yes of course, I'm just so thrilled to be able
to report to you that a new light has been detected
that only a few men are able to see or to produce.
Tim, I can't wait to tell my wife when I get home.
Oh, Honey, wait. Wait!
- This time, we have to plan everything thoroughly...
So I better do it myself.
It's important!
Do you remember what I always do when I'm planning anything?
- Yes.
You overlook everything, and you oversee nothing.
- Exactly, I over...
You idiot!
- Well, thank you very much Henry and good luck...at home.
And now to our next topic:
Candidate for Governor James Walker
is linked to the infamous Sisters of Light cult
through his wife Sarah,
who, an informant has told us,
secretly holds a high position in the cult.
Surrey's International, responsible for Walker's campaign,
did not comment directly
but their spokesperson and junior campaign organizer
Ron Wentworth said on a more general note
that Walker was a firm believer
in religious freedom and cultural diversity
and that everybody was presumed innocent
until proven guilty.
Although he hadn't done anything and quote:
"Of course, our next Governor Walker
follows a zero tolerance policy on crime
and, moreover, strongly denies any professional
or private relations to his wife."
(hand smack)
- Hi.
- Okay, hi then.
- Not many women around here, right?
- Doesn't look like it.
- Well, and even if there were,
it probably wouldn't be easy to talk to them.
- Look, I...
- I know how to do that.
- Do what?
- Come on to women.
- Good for you, my friend, but I really don't...
- I'm willing to share my secret with you.
- Ah, just get the fuck away from me, you loony!
(patrons talking in background)
- Nice bar, hmm?
- [Patron] Can't say it wasn't.
- If only there were some women.
- There were.
- Oh yeah, when?
- About 1975!
- Say what?
- That was a good year for me, 1975.
- 1975?
Warm summer that year?
- No, not particularly.
It just all fell into its right place for once in my life.
- Waiter, just get this man a double whiskey, please.
- [Waiter] Sure mate.
- Appreciate it, son.
(patrons still talking in background)
(upbeat jazz music)
- Sorry man, this is not what I do. Come on!
- What's he doing?
There are no women around.
- I think he wants to avoid them.
- Avoid them?
But why?
Do you hear that strange music?
- Sure.
Why?
- It sounds like they're mocking someone.
- Through the music?
- Yes, through the music.
- But how can they...
- Shut up, you're not aware.
There's something happening on another level.
- If you could have all the women you wanted,
would you go for it?
(Felix's frantic female followers fandangoing)
- Are you kidding me?
Sure man!
- [Felix] Let's just do this little game, okay?
Bear with me for a second.
- Okay, whatever you say.
- To get that woman you want...
- But wait a minute, you said I could have
ALL the women I want.
(staccato music/celeste version)
(Jane moans sensually)
One after another!
- Oh, Felix! (Shower Woman moans sensually)
- [Felix] Sure, but you have to...
- That means, I can also have some of them at the same time!
(staccato music/celeste version)
- Everything you want but you have to do
this little routine.
- Okay.
(staccato music/celeste version)
You are crazy, man, this is crazy.
This is absolutely crazy. I like you, I really do.
- Na...Now say that you understand that having all the women
in the world might also cause trouble.
(staccato music/celeste version)
- No.
- Why not?
- Because that's not true.
- That's just the game!
- [Another Young Guy] Well, I guess I might not
like this game too much anymore, man.
- No please, hang in there! I have it, you know?
- You have what?
- The magical touch that makes all the women go crazy.
(Jane moans sensually)
- [Another Young Guy] No, you don't!
- Let's just say that I do
and that I am willing to give it to you.
- [Another Young Guy] But who in their right mind
would ever give that away?
- Well, let's just say that I'm not!
- [Another Young Guy] You're not what?
- In my right mind.
- [Another Young Guy] Well, that's for sure, mate.
- Dance, just dance! Do the dance!
(upbeat jazz music)
And if you want it, you gotta say...
- Can I please have it?
- No!
Give it to me!
- [Another Young Guy] What?
- [Felix] You gotta say: "Give it to me"!
(upbeat jazz music)
Give it to me! Give it to me!
- Now, what is he up to?
- I think he's defending his territory.
This strange little dance reminds me
of something from way back when
but I can't put my hand on it.
- Your finger, sir.
- What?
- You cannot put your finger on it, not your...
- How the Hell would YOU know what I'm putting on anything?
(a minor touch sax music)
- Come on, give it to me, give it to me, come on.
Give it...Give it to me.
Give it to me!
C'mon, give it to me.
Give it to me.
- [Jamie] Where have you been?
You oughta be working!
- Oh, I am. I am.
I have come up with something very, very interesting.
My investigation team has found a way
to directly enhance the attractiveness of a candidate.
- Cut the bullshit, Ron! I know what this is about.
The crazy guy who's got the chicks on his ass works for you.
- Yeah, well, we're in the process of discovering...
- Get him now!
- Oh, so you want him to work for you?
- No, I want what he has to work for me,
just like it did for him.
- Well, I think we should be able to come to an agreement.
Ah...I'll tell you what I've discovered.
You may consider it a little strange.
- Ah, I don't care!
What do I have to do?
- It's something with the hands.
It goes...
- Really?
Well, by the way, you gotta do something about my wife.
This little choir group of hers is getting way out of hand.
- Oh yeah, well, Mister Walker, I certainly understand
why you're worried about it, ah...
but that caught us completely off guard.
We didn't know about any of the stuff
that your wife was into.
- Well, since she's not into me anymore
or I into her or in her or around her that much,
I've kinda lost track of these things.
I am busy, you know!
She's always had that spiritual side
and now it has turned into a cult.
So, what are we going to do about it?
- I, ah...
I need to think this through
but I'll come up with something.
- Yeah, something!
It'd better be good this time.
I want her out!
(Walker chuckles)
(hand smack)
This is not working.
You've got 24 hours to make it work!
- Sorry, sorry. I...I should have told you
but Walker is so impatient,
I didn't have a chance to prepare you.
- How do you know about the handshake?
- Well, I was at the Professor's house
underneath the window.
- You!
I only wanted to make sure that you didn't get into trouble.
I have a responsibility to my inferiors
that I don't take lightly, Felix.
Oh, I get it. You're still angry about last time.
Well, see I know that you want her
and I gave you the opportunity
for some very intimate moments with her.
You should be a little more grateful.
Oh, okay. I understand. Next time
I'll let you play a more active role.
But you gotta get this into your head, Felix:
You may not always like the way I do things
but we're in this together, okay?
Now, I see a very bright future for us,
but we gotta give Walker what he wants
because that's the only way that
you can live with predators.
So, ah...If you want this to work out well
for you and with Sarah...
then you gotta help me!
So, look. I'll ah...
be in touch with you Felix!
Ah...Trust me! This is...this is gonna be great!
- Professor!
Professor! I'm in a terrible dilemma.
I really need to lose the curse.
I just can't put up with it any longer
but the people who want to have it are planning to abuse it
to have power and manipulate.
- Well, what exactly did you want it for?
- But that was totally different. I just wanted to have...
to enjoy...
a little...
I'm not bad,
you know?
At least not like them
Please, Professor, you have to help me!
I was told I must give it to someone with a pure heart.
- But that's what I'm here to talk with you about.
If you give it to that kind of person,
the curse will continue the way it always has.
- And if I give it to somebody bad?
- Well then the so-called autoreverse effect will kick in.
- So, I can give it to any bad person that wants it.
I'm free and nobody gets hurt
because for him, it just won't work?
- Believe me, he won't get anywhere he wants to go to.
- Are you absolutely sure about this?
- Of course. I'm a professor!
- Then I gotta go. Thank you, Professor!
(cane thud)
- Forgive me, for I've failed to see the light.
- [Nevinovat] Forgive me for I've allowed
darkness to enter my life.
- Forgive me for I've allowed darkness to enter my life.
- [Nevinovat] I will open up wide
- [Sarita] I will open up wide
- [Nevinovat] to conceive the light deep inside.
- [Sarita] to conceive the light deep inside.
(menacing music)
- [Sarah] Hi, Felix.
(Felix's redemption music)
- Hi,
Sarah.
Sarah, you have to watch out.
Your husband and Ron are planning to get rid of you.
- You want to help me?
Oh, that's very sweet of you, darling,
but don't worry. I've taken care of everything.
- [Felix] They claim you're in some type of cult.
(menacing music)
- You surprised me.
You surprised all of us.
What is it with you and your touch?
May I come in the tub with you?
Touch me a little. I wanna feel what it's like!
But be careful, I don't wanna lose control!
(Sarah gasps)
(Sarah moans)
Oh, you and I...
could be...
successful!
(Sarah pants heavily)
(dark fairytale sounds)
(Sarah coughs)
(Sarah moans. Her heart beat stops)
- Who are you?
- I am the savior. I bring the light!
I have always been and I will always be.
I am fire and water!
I am...
Hang on, something is missing.
- Boss, we need the evil light.
- What?
- The evil light!
- Oh yeah, you're right. Evil light from below.
Evil light, please!
(dark music)
Where was I?
Oh yes!
I am everything and everything is me!
- But you run self improvement seminars
and sell penis extenders!
- Well, I gotta have a day job to keep myself busy
and, as a savior,
I need to see to it that I am exposed.
- Exposed to what?
- To the people! Special people who want to improve
themselves, who want to find the way.
- So, that's why you sell penis extenders?
- Shut up!
You're not aware!
- Of what?
- Of anything!
(dark music)
The only thing you must know is why you're here.
- I figured that out.
You want the curse.
- I deserve it and it's only a curse to you.
To me, it's simply - my destiny!
- Oh yeah?
- I want it!
- How badly?
- I need it!
- How much? - Give it to me!
- Okay, you can have it.
- You will undergo the most terrible moment
humans ever had to endure.
You will face unimagin...ahoua...
I can have it?
- Yeah, I'm done with it.
It was good fun in some ways I guess,
but I'm onto other things now
but we need to do a silly handshake routine.
- Is that what you did in the bar?
- You were there?
- When I tried to lose it?
- Yes.
- Funny, I didn't see you.
- That is because I came in such a questionable shape.
- Anyway, we need to do this little dance
and then you have to say...
Well, I'll show you as we go along.
- Great, then let's do this without any further ado!
- [Nevinovat] Master.
- What is it?
- The ritual.
- Ah, forget about that.
Let's just get on with it, this is gonna be cool.
- What about your accent?
- Now give him a break. I'm trying to do some business here.
Come on now, what do you want?
- Your villainous accent!
- My...
Oh, damn! I forgot.
Anyway, let's just get this over with.
(smooth jazz music)
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking what's mine!
- But I already sold it to Walker.
See, with the touch, he's sure to win
and then you will benefit greatly, my friend,
'cause then you can use his money and influence to...
- No, I need to have it.
- No, you don't understand.
As head of a federal state
Walker would give you everything you need.
Just imagine: No taxes,
government grants to develop the dependency of the people,
by the people, for the people,
cultural funding for your cult
and possibly even access to weapons of mass destruction.
- No, it has to be me!
- You?
- I'm the boss, so it must be me.
- Why does it have to be...
you? - Me?
'Cause I need to be followed.
It says so in the book, so I must have it.
It's me, not him. Me! Got it?
- I...
- Tell him, who's me?
- YOU are me!
- See, only I am me!
- Yeah, well you're absolutely right.
You are a key element of our brand.
Maybe it's time to...?
- Yes?
- Di... - Die?
- ...versify.
- Diversify? How can I diversify when there's only me?
Oh, I know what this is about.
You want to waggle your way to the top using Walker,
who probably promised you some job in his administration
but before long, you're a made man and I'm no longer me.
- This isn't just about you.
There are other people involved!
What gives YOU the right to...?
- I have the right for I am ME!
- No, you're not. HE is you!
- Shut up, I am.
I have been me since the beginning of time
when the earth was in spring
and the first bird sang the first song
and he who casts doubt on the revelation shall perish!
(Ron groans)
Now let's continue!
Do we need any blood for the procedure?
- Please, give it to me!
- Oh, no. I really can't.
For all that it's worth, but maybe I know someone who can.
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no! That's part of the ritual.
You've gotta say it.
- Oh! Please give it to...dammit! What's this noise?
Why am I always disturbed?
You!
I know what you want. You can't have it!
- I get anything I want, whenever I want.
(sinister music)
- Yes, yes, yes, but not what's mine
and now hush up with you. I'm busy.
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm taking what's mine.
- No you're not! I need to be touched!
I mean...I need the touch! This curse.
- You may be touched but I'm going to touch the whole world.
(a minor touch sax music)
(punch thud)
(Walker groans)
I won't be controlled by mere mortals. Off you go!
(liberation piano theme)
Please, give it to me!
Now let's wrap it up.
I only have this room for another hour.
(dark music)
(women hissing)
(No Nonsense News Theme)
- A get-together of the Sisters of Light cult
had a surprising twist today
when a bunch of female followers turned on their boss.
They seemed genuinely appalled,
even disgusted when they were touched by him
And so cult leader Sviatoslav Rău
got a little more than he bargained for.
(Rău's redemption song)
♪ He is the hope and the goal! ♪
♪ He has the key to my soul! ♪
♪ He knows the way it should be. ♪
♪ He sees the truth 'cause He's He! ♪
(dark fairytale sounds)
(a minor touch sax music)