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[woman exhales]
[distant sirens blaring]
I don't need a babysitter anymore.
[eerie music playing]
-[tense music playing] -[panting]
[music intensifies]
-Hey, buddy. You OK? -I... I just...
[Cole pants]
I thought...
-[grunt] -[panting]
[sighs]
[Cole] High school is worse than a near-death experience.
I can confidently tell you that because I almost died five times in one night.
I faced my fears.
I conquered my demons. I...
I survived.
But she left no evidence.
And for the past two years, nobody believes me.
-[man] We didn't find anyone, kid. -My name's Cole.
[man] Cole, sorry. Are you sure there was someone else in there?
There was when I drove into it.
[Cole] Everyone assumed that I made it all up. That I'm crazy.
You wanna know what the only thing worse than being invisible is?
Not being invisible.
Toss this pussy into the mental ward, guys.
[Cole] It's my own fault.
I told everybody what happened. The...
dead cops, the blood, the guy with no shirt for no reason.
I feel like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2, trying to convince people robots are real.
But... [exhales]
the worst part is...
I miss her.
I get it. I get it. You're a weird little dude
with a crush on a murderous, fictitious babysitter.
-Freshman year's hard for everybody. -No, I...
I'm a junior.
-You're a junior? -Yeah. I've been coming for three years.
-Your little punk-ass a junior? -Mm-hmm.
That settles it. We just gotta get you laid.
-That's your advice? -That's what the fuck came out my mouth.
-Aren't you also the nurse? -Yes! From eight till two, I'm the nurse.
Before that, I'm the guidance counselor.
I went to Cornell, motherfucker! I'm a psychiatrist!
Why do you work here then?
Why you breaking my balls? Why you... I thought we were cool. We cool?
-Yeah. -I thought we were boys.
Look, you're not my only student, you know what I'm saying?
I got 27 other kids out there.
Some have gonorrhea, some of 'em are more bipolar than Kanye West.
Some of 'em got chlamydia.
Yeast on your dick, gets in your mouth. The shit gets in your eyes.
-So gross! -In your fucking eyes!
This is a herpes couch you sitting on. Herpes everywhere on this thing.
[bell ringing]
You hear that? That's the bell. That means it's eight o'clock.
Dr. Davis is checking out, Big Carl's checking in.
-Time for your flu shot. -What?
-Take a shot, or I'll kick some ass. -What? No! No, no!
[echoing scream]
[rock riff plays]
[student] Pussy!
[girl] Loser.
Come on.
[guitar melody playing]
[Melanie] Hey.
Hey, Melanie.
-Hey, you good? -Me? Yeah... No.
-[splutters] I'm great, actually. -OK.
-But you should tell your face. -It's that obvious?
You were with me that night. You saw what I saw, right?
-I mean, Bee, the cops, the blood-- -Cole...
You gotta help me out.
Didn't Dr. Davis say not to talk about this stuff?
Big Carl talks a lot about "prioritizing positive memories,"
like the time he saw Rihanna at Outback Steakhouse.
[snickers] Look, that night you're talking about
had running and hiding,
but it also had kissing.
Maybe just remember the kissing.
You know?
Besides, you're supposed to hate this place.
Any guy that thrives in high school ends up prematurely bald
with erectile dysfunction.
-Oh, is that true? -Yeah.
Yo, Noodle!
Please don't call me that.
Come on, it's the cutest nickname!
I thought you gave me the cutest nickname.
There's nothing cute about you, Diego.
-[boy 2 laughs] Touché, Boom Boom. -Get off my dick, Jimmy.
How you holding up, little man?
Me? Good.
Let me know if you need anything, like a ride to the hospital or something.
-I'm here for you, bro. -OK.
Yo, Jimmy! You coming to the lake this weekend?
Yeah, boy! DJ Jimmy Jammy will be in full effect.
[imitates bike revving]
-Wanna walk to class with us? -No, I'm just gonna go on my own.
I admire your independence, little bro.
I could never be cool with not having friends. Peace, Coleslaw.
Oh! Whoa! [girl 2 laughs]
[man] Faust was a man
who must ponder questions on his own existential belief.
So, therefore, what Mephistopheles wanted from Dr. Faust
-was answers on faith and-- -[knocking at door]
["The Way I Walk" playing]
All right, all you lions.
This is our new transfer student, Phoebe Atwell.
She comes to us from the Guardian Angel Program,
where upstanding adult citizens nominate disenfranchised youths
from juvenile hall to assimilate back into society.
Let's give her a warm lion welcome.
Roa--
[bar squeaks]
Class...
[students roar unenthusiastically]
[woman laughs]
So, Phoebe, tell us three things about yourself.
[gulps]
Well,
I think snakes are the most misunderstood reptiles...
my favorite movie vacillates between Deliverance or anything by Rob Reiner...
and I'm late.
What are you talking about? You're right on time.
Oh no, Principal Highbridge, my period.
I'm nine days late.
Oh.
And Goddamn it, I was on the fence, but I think I might keep it now.
[plop]
Because, looking...
at all
of your beautiful faces, I... [exhales]
I'm just so overcome with optimism for our future...
I just wanna fucking scream.
[Phoebe chuckles]
[high-pitched scream]
[screaming continues]
[exhales]
[music resumes]
♪ The way I walk Is just the way I walk... ♪
[principal] All right. Uh, carry on, Mr. Nordy. Chuckles, let's go.
Hey, gingerpop,
move your ass and leave the yogurt.
♪ Just the way I smile ♪
♪ Touch me baby, and I'll go hog wild ♪
♪ The way I love is just the way I love ♪
You crazy bitch.
[mom] Hey, so I was reading this article
-about St. John's wort. -[Dad] Uh-huh.
It's this, like...
[splutters] ...homeopathy, or homeopathy?
Oh, I have no idea. If you're asking me, I have no idea.
-But cone of silence? -Yeah.
Sometimes I still get a little creeped out with the whole Cole situation.
[scoffs]
-You're creeped out by your own kid? -Yeah.
I'm not creeped out, but don't you think...
-It's possible, right? -What?
-Like, don't you think-- -[both] Hey!
Hey, buddy. [in Italian accent] We just make a nice meal for you!
-Yeah, rack of lamb, and, uh, and... -And, uh, potato!
-The potatoes and the broccolini. -[laughs]
-[Dad] The whole smorgasbord. -How long you want me to take those for?
[in normal voice] Just... until you start feeling better.
Yeah, buddy, just to keep the imagination episodes at bay.
It's...
-Not forever. -It's not forever.
OK.
But you know what is forever?
Settin' the table.
-[in Italian accent] You set-a the table. -Oh, here he goes.
[sighs]
[computer chiming]
Hey... Hey, Melanie.
[clears throat] How's it go...
[chiming continues]
-[Melanie] Hey. -Hey back. Hey back to you.
Hey. [laughs]
Um, OK, so, I had a question about the lit paper.
Oh, yeah, cool. Um...
So, it's themes in Faust, right? So, what do you think?
-I see Gretchen as kind of an underdog. -Yeah.
A lonely character with a troubled past. And then... then she's kinda executed.
-I know. It's really-- -[chuckles]
Whoa! [chuckles]
That's a big bottle of lotion you got there.
Huh? Oh, th...
No, this is, um...
-It's 'cause I... -[giggling]
I just have exceptionally dry elbows.
-Sexually dry? -Exceptionally--
-[knocking at door] -Knock, knock. Oh, hey! Uh...
I didn't mean to interrupt.
-I'm sorry. You guys getting naked? -No...
-[Melanie] Mr. Johnson, what are you... -You taking each other's clothes off?
-No, Dad. -We're not doing that.
I... I didn't wanna ruin the moment. I thought you guys were
-hooking up online. -Oh God.
-Dad, it's not like that. -Online hook-up.
-'Cause you had the lotions out. -I have exceptionally dry elbows.
-But lotion's also used to masturbate. -Dad! No! Why? Why?
Uh-oh. Well...
-Oh... -[Dad] Hey! Hey!
You and Melanie? What?
Tell me. Come on. Are you guys a thing? You're not a thing? What's happening?
She...
-doesn't see me like that. -What?
Her loss.
And your gain.
Or I'm not sure how it's your gain, but it's her loss.
OK.
[inhales deeply] So, look, I know you don't wanna take those pills,
but you gotta show your mom and I that you're at least trying.
OK? Could you do that for me?
I am trying, but you want me to tell you that it was all in my head?
Well, you know...
I mean,
I just want you to get better, you know?
Get you back to feeling normal.
-What if I'll never be normal? -Don't say that.
It's hard, but...
-it's through adversity that-- -That we find our strength.
We find our strength. Yes.
I know.
You've told me a thousand times, but...
But you've also told me to stay true to myself.
Yes.
And...
-And now you're asking me to lie. -I'm not asking you to lie.
It happened, Dad.
I...
OK.
I'm telling you the truth.
Good night.
I love you.
If you don't like that lotion, I have another that--
Dad, just... God!
-He still believes it happened. -OK.
-So, we're gonna do this. -Mm-hmm.
-Tomorrow. -Yes.
We're going to pick him up at lunch tomorrow...
together. OK?
Cole, come on. You're gonna be late.
I can't find my lit paper anywhere!
-[Dad] Did you check up your butt? -Where?
[Dad laughs] I'm kidding. I have no idea, man.
I barely know how old I am anymore.
[Cole] "Saint Gabe's Psychiatric Academy"?
1:00 p.m. today?
[Dad] Cole, come on, man.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm coming.
-[Dad] Do you wanna drive? -[Cole] No.
[Dad] All right. I don't want to either, but I'll do it.
-[Cole] Melanie. -What's up?
-They're sending me away. Today. -What? Let me see.
What?
No.
It's not you. It's this place that's making you crazy.
You need to get out of here.
I mean, you need to get out of town, clear your head.
We're all going to the lake this weekend. Just come with me. I'm leaving at lunch.
-My parents would never let me do that. -You're not gonna ask your parents,
just like I'm not gonna ask my dad.
And I already took his car, so...
You took your dad's car?
I don't know. I don't think that's a good idea, because--
[Cole] Uh...
They're to make me less anxious,
but they just kinda make me feel like somebody else.
And I pass out.
It's no big deal. I mean, everyone is on some shit.
-Really? -Yeah.
We're all just kids doing little hacks to try and live our best life.
Like, look, Brian Pankauskas.
The kid with the pubey Zorro 'stache.
Adderall. Gets distracted while sleeping.
-[boy] Brian, we're late. -Oh.
And then over there,
Mia Hughes.
AKA, Mia "Howard" Hughes.
[Mia] No cracks.
[Melanie] Her OCD is so bad, if she steps on a crack,
she thinks her uterus is gonna explode.
No!
Damn.
What about the new girl? What's she on?
Hey, girl. You going to the lake this weekend?
Oh yeah. I can't wait to finger you.
[Melanie] Unclear, but...
I heard she killed her parents.
-Seriously? Where'd you hear that? -Like, everywhere.
Can you imagine what kinda psycho you'd have to be to butcher your parents?
[gasps]
[ethereal music playing]
[keys jingle]
[Phoebe] What the hell?
Look, the lake,
one weekend,
you and me.
OK?
Bye, Mel. Bye, Mel... Fuck!
[Nordy] Faust was a man who must ponder questions
on his own existential...
[growling]
[crunching, squelching]
[ding]
[Nordy] ...his moral integrity to achieve power and success.
Cole?
Care to summarize what I was just saying?
[chuckles lightly]
[Cole gasps]
[students laughing]
-[girl] Oh, that's gotta hurt! -[boy] Nice, dude!
[girl 2] Yeah!
[grunts]
[boy 2 laughing]
Um, I think that, uh...
It means that...
taking shortcuts is a cop-out.
And getting something without actually working for it is ultimately unrewarding.
[bell ringing]
OK, class. That's lunch.
Hey, Cole,
Principal Highbridge asked to see you in her office on your way out.
I believe your parents are here.
Hey. It's red pill, blue pill time.
-[tense music playing] -[heartbeats]
[breathing heavily]
[heartbeats increase]
[Dad's voice] I just want you to get better, you know?
Get you back to feeling normal.
[thud]
[gate clangs shut]
[echoing keys jingling]
[sighs]
I'm not going back.
[Wild West music stab]
Thelma and Louise.
This is the sickest car I've ever seen!
-[Cole grunts] -[gasps]
[Jimmy] Come on, Boom Boom. Move it.
-[Melanie] Careful! -Cole Brew, glad you decided to join.
Gonna have some fun. Set our dicks on fire, huh?
What?
OK, let's go.
-[engine revving] -[tires squealing]
-[Mom] He's never ditched school. -[Dad] I understand.
-[Mom] He's not that kid. -Try it again,
but I don't think the doorbell actually rings.
-How do you know? -In fact, I know it doesn't.
Juan!
-How do you know it's broken? -It didn't ring last time I was here.
When were you here?
Oh, I came by.
To do...
[spluttering] Uh, just to hang.
-What were you doing? -I don't know.
We were, like, playing video games and...
-And what? What? -I smoked a little weed,
I haven't smoked weed in a while, and I didn't wanna say.
-[Mom] You can't-- -Sorry, I'm acting like an idiot.
Was that the night you tried to stick it in my--
-[Mom] Hey. -What's up, neighbs? Where the party at?
-Cole's missing. -[Juan] Oh no!
-They said-- -How does this concern me?
We heard that maybe he and Melanie might've ditched together. So...
Totally. That's what she does.
My daughter is DTF.
-DTF? -"Down to fuck"?
Ditches Thursdays Fridays. Today is Thursday, so, yeah, she ditched.
OK. He's fine. He's with Melanie, they're teenagers...
-In fact, I think they might be an item. -[Juan] Are you kidding?
-No, I'm not. -Melanie's with Jimmy now.
-[Mom] Who's Jimmy? -You guys know Jimmy?
-We don't. -I don't know Jimmy.
Oh my God. Kid is so hilar!
I just slid into his DMs, and we've been, like,
trading back and forth GIFs and memes.
-Like, so many LOLs, ROTFLs, LMAOs. -[Mom] OK. Well...
-Juan, um... -[Juan] Juan.
...if you had to guess,
if they were together, where do you think they could've gone?
Everything's fine. Come in. Pinot gris party.
-Maybe a little Xbox. -Do you have the new Halo?
-[sighs] -[Juan] I do.
-[Dad] Yes! -But I am Fortnite Nation, bitch. Whoo!
Honey, I think he's out there being social.
-I'm actually put at ease. -You are?
-I'm feeling good. -Great, you're happy.
-Um, Juan? -Yeah.
Clearly, you don't care where your kid is.
-[Juan] No. -But what about your other baby?
What are you talking about?
Where might she have gone?
-[Mom] Halo? -I'm...
[gasps]
[Juan] Fuck! No.
Seriously?
If your crazy kid fucks my car again, I fuck you!
I fuck both of you. Fucked!
[both] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oh!
Ooh! Silly string.
[Jimmy laughs] He's paying.
-[doorbell chimes] -[sighs]
Sorry. I didn't know they were driving with us till last minute.
It's OK.
But as soon as we get to the houseboat, we're gonna have so much fun.
Um... Melanie, it's really OK if you just wanna be with them. I...
You don't have to babysit me.
-Hey, Melanie? -Yeah?
Thank you...
for believing in me.
[chuckles]
I've always believed in you, Cole.
You're my best friend.
-Yeah? -[chuckles] Yeah.
OK.
But...
Which one? This.
La! Perfect.
-Yeah? -Yeah, it's perfect for the lake. Amazing.
Let's go. Come on.
[doorbell chimes]
-Hey. -Hey. Uh...
-Anything else? -Uh...
[chuckles]
-No, that... that's it. -You sure?
If you looked right behind me, then that's where the rubbers are.
-Do you want some? -Oh no. She... she has a boyfriend.
Fuck that guy. She's not into him.
She's into you.
Really?
Magnum XLs.
It's the Tiffany's box of condoms.
Uh... OK.
A hundred bucks.
♪ Bum stiggedy bum stiggedy bum, hon, I got the old pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪
♪ But I can fe-fi or fo Diddly-bum, here I come ♪
♪ So Peter Piper I'm hyper than Pinocchio's nose ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the supercalafragilistic Tic-tac pro ♪
♪ I gave my oopsy, daisy Now you've got the crazy ♪
♪ I'm crazy with the books Googley-goo where's the gravy ♪
♪ So one, skip the Ovaltine I'd rather have a honeycomb ♪
♪ Or preferably the sinsemilla Let's spiggedy-spark the blunts, um ♪
♪ Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun ♪
♪ They want EFX Some live EFX ♪
♪ Snap a neck for some live EFX ♪
Thanks. And I'll be sure to tell them Large Marge sent me.
♪ Pretty sneaky sis, oh yo ♪
I got my socks off, my rocks off My Nestle's cup of cocoa
♪ Holly Hobbie tried to slob me Tried to rob me silly stunt ♪
♪ Diggedy-dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun ♪
♪ They want EFX... ♪
Cole, let's go. Come on.
[whooping]
♪ Snap a neck for some live EFX ♪
♪ They want EFX Some live EFX ♪
♪ Snap a neck for some live EFX ♪
♪ Yahoo, hidee-ho ♪
♪ Yup, I'm coming around the stretch So here Fido boy, fetch, boy, fetch ♪
♪ Got the rope-a-dope a slippery choker Look at me get raw ♪
♪ And I'm the hickory-dickory Top of morning boogoloo big jaw... ♪
Hey!
Hey. What do you think?
Look, everyone's having so much fun, right? It's cool!
-It's crazy! -I'm...
-Yeah, I... I'm not gonna go. I... -What?
-I can't do this. I-- -Cole.
Look at me.
[Jimmy] My boat, baby!
They're normal.
[Jimmy] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
I'm not.
I... I should just go back. I should go to a psychiatric high school.
I should get on board with what literally everyone's telling me.
[Melanie] No! No!
If you do that,
then they win.
You're innocent.
That's what makes you so special.
And I'm not leaving without you. Come on! Have fun! Whoo!
[dreamy music playing]
[grunts]
OK, sir.
-Gonna need you to step back, OK? -Yeah.
-Shortcake, got a photo of your child? -Shortcake?
Doesn't matter. Um, yes. That's Cole.
-K-O-L-- -No. No, a C-O-L-E.
[officer] OK, got it.
Chachi, photo of your baby.
[Mom sighs]
-What? -[Dad] Officer, let me ask you something.
Is there some sort of traffic light face recognition,
Alexa, Siri, always listening, uh...
Orwellian obstructive tactic that's used on all citizens at all times?
I feel like I saw that on TV. That exists, right?
If that were real, the infidelity wouldn't have caught me by surprise.
-Fucking bitch! -Who are you talking about?
My boo. Look, nine out of ten runaways are back by dinnertime.
-He's not a runaway-- -Unless they got in a van,
then they're dead. But nothing to worry about.
If they're not back by tomorrow, I'll bring in ICE...
ICE, baby.
[thud]
-OK, you heard "van." -He got in a van!
I heard "dinnertime." Let's go back to the house, make dinner, he'll be home.
-He's out having fun. -That's a good idea.
-Hey, Juan? -Mmm?
If you hear from them, you'll call us, right?
-He's never gonna call us. -We're gonna divide and conquer.
-OK, you stay here. -Yes.
-I'll go home. -That's right.
You're not gonna take pot.
This is too important.
[Melanie] Whoo!
-[Diego] Yeah! -[Jimmy] I'm king of the world, bitches!
-Run down, huh? -[Diego] Let's go down. Let's go!
Come over here, bro!
["Bust A Move" playing]
♪ This here's a jam for all the fellas ♪
♪ Tryin' to do What those ladies tell us... ♪
-[Melanie] Oh. -[Diego] What took you so long, buddy?
-No, I-- -What are you guys playing?
[Diego] Two minutes in heaven.
-Isn't it seven minutes in heaven? -Two minutes is more realistic.
-[snickers] -[Diego] Dude!
OK. OK. Let's see who has a pair.
-OK, ready? One... -What?
...two, three.
-[Boom Boom] Ooh. -[Jimmy] Uh, don't be nervous, Cole.
Looks like Cole and Melanie are up first.
Gonna squirt your own silly string, Cole Sore.
-No-- -Let's go. To the closet.
Cole, this is gonna be great.
-Your first time with a girl, huh? -[Cole] What?
[Boom Boom] You ever touch a titty? This might be your lucky day.
-Have fun, kids. See you in two minutes. -[Cole] Whoa, wait, hold on--
Yo, Jimmy. You really gonna put your girl in a closet with some dude?
It's fine. I think he's used to being in the closet. Am I right?
[Jimmy] And it's Cole. Not even sure he's got a dick.
[Melanie laughs]
-I have a penis. -I know!
Don't listen to Jimmy. He's an idiot.
He's your boyfriend.
Not for the next two minutes.
["I Want To Know What Love Is" playing]
♪ Now this mountain I must climb ♪
♪ Feels like the world Upon my shoulders... ♪
Have you got a can of silly string in your left pocket,
or are you just really happy to see me?
The, uh, silly string's in my right pocket.
[laughs] Cole!
♪ In my life ♪
♪ There's been heartache and pain ♪
♪ I don't know if I can face it again... ♪
Your elbows really are soft.
They're my best feature.
♪ I've traveled so... ♪
Well, that's no fun. Come on.
-Yo, yo, yo. Deal again. -Next.
-I wanna spend some time with Boom Boom. -Pass.
"Pass"? You can't pass!
-Yeah, I'm not into STDs. -[Diego] I don't have an STD!
-[Boom Boom] You have alopecia. -[Diego] Had, OK?
My hair grew back.
It's an autoimmune condition.
I'm "autoimmune" to you, Diego.
So ignorant.
Yo, so you went crazy, right?
-Diego, shut up. -You saw a blood cult or some shit?
Leave him alone.
Cole's his own homey. He can speak for himself, Noodle.
Well... I mean, I'm not... I'm not supposed to talk about it.
-[Diego] Ah! -[Melanie] That's OK.
Come on, bro! I gots to know.
You saw dudes killing folk, mixing the bloods?
Well... I mean, they never got far enough to mix the bloods, but--
Cole, do you want a drink? I'll get you one, OK?
What was in it for the cult? Must've been good.
Something worth killing for.
Mmm, yeah. I'd have to be promised everything I've ever wanted.
-My dream life. -[Boom Boom] But who could guarantee that?
-Stop! You're making him uncomfortable. -There must be some contract
-with the Devil, right? -Yeah.
-Come on, C-money. Spill the bean-o! -[Melanie] Stop!
Cole didn't come on this trip to talk about some blood cult
or the Devil's book.
-Can we please change the subject and... -[Diego] Jesus. OK.
-[in Spanish] Lo siento, Noods. -[in English] Thank you.
[in Spanish] Ey, muchas gracias por hablar español, Jimmy.
[in English] Just have fun!
How would you know that?
What?
The Devil's book. You...
You just said "the Devil's book."
-What do you mean? -I never told you about the book.
Yes, Cole. You did.
You told me that night.
[chuckles]
Cole's going crazy. [Boom Boom chuckles]
Melanie...
[chuckles] You're being ridiculous.
[chuckles]
How do you know about the book, Melanie?
Because I signed my name in it, Cole.
[hook rasps]
[blood squelching]
[screaming]
What the fuck?
[Cole gasping]
-[blood squelching] -[gasping]
[Diego yelping]
-I made the same deal. -[Diego yells]
[chokes]
[panting] Melanie? Melanie, you killed her.
I thought we were gonna wait to do this in the bathtub, not in my face!
Calm down. You guys knew she had to die so we could mix the bloods.
She didn't have to die all over this carpet!
Shag absorbs everything! My uncle's gonna kill me!
Oh, no, no. Don't scrub, dude. Dab. Dab. It's better.
Diego was not supposed to ask Cole a million fucking questions.
Don't judge me for my innate intellectual curiosity.
[panting] But... but... but Boom Boom's your friend!
Fuck Boom Boom! She made fun of my tragic hair loss.
Mix the blood of the sacrificed with the blood of the innocent.
That's how this works, Cole.
You were supposed to take your meds, drink a little wine and pass out,
-so we could tap a vein! -But you didn't.
[breathing heavily]
So now we have to take your blood and then kill you.
[chuckles] See, Cole? You're not crazy.
You... you guys are the same cult.
[panting]
Oh!
Let's go, Cole!
[yelps]
[Cole gasping]
-No, no, no, no, no! -[Max] Yes, yes, yes.
-[Cole] How are you alive? -How much of Cole's blood do we need?
Can I just rip off a limb? Drain it?
Which hand you use to jerk with? I'll take the other one.
[panting]
Oh, Cole, what is up?
[reverential music playing]
You OK? You look like you've seen a gorgeous Black ghost.
But I'm not Casper. I will wreck your shit. Boo!
[panting]
-Miss me? -[gunshot]
No! [Cole pants]
[thud]
[grunts]
-Don't worry, guys. I'm good. -[pants] I watched your skull explode!
Luckily, the Devil gives good head.
I... I watched you die. I watched you all die!
We are dead.
Duh!
We finish this by sunrise,
or we have to go back down to limbo for two years before we can try again.
Let's get our Cole-cocktail on and finish this.
Yeah! Let's fuck him.
What?
-Up. -Yeah!
[Allison] Let's do it! Fuck him up hard.
Why?
-You know I wanna be an influencer. -[scoffs]
OK, enough chitchat. You bring anything to tie him up with?
Sure did, bro.
Great. What the fuck is this?
Jimmy, you were supposed to go to the hardware store, you fucking idiot.
Yeah, but there's a crafting store so much closer to my house.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why are we tying him up?
-Why can't we just kill him? -[panting]
-[Max] Let's go! -[Allison] Oh yeah!
Come, come, come on. Wait. Whoa. Hold on. Hey! Ha!
-Stop. Hammer time! -I cannot watch him crawl anymore.
Come right for the nuts. Huh! Drop down low.
[grunting]
We need to keep him alive for the ritual, then we kill him.
-Where's Sonya? -[Allison] Where is that sexy psychopath?
I'm here. Getting cookies.
-Get back! Get back! -Whoa! Yes, Cole!
Standing up for yourself, just like I showed you!
-Get back, all of you! Stand back! -Let's draw some blood.
[ethereal music playing]
Ooh.
We're back!
You!
Oh, I knew you were a part of this! You black cat, hitchhiking Picard killer.
You're the new bad! [panting]
I'm just looking for gas. My jet ski's running low.
[Boom Boom gasping]
Clearly, you guys are into some heavy cosplay.
Just leave you be.
Oh no!
It's all gonna get fucked up again.
Nothing is going to get fucked up.
Ow!
Oh shit!
In the face! Right in the face!
Max, go grab them.
Damn, it feels good to be back!
Whoo! I'm coming, Cole! I'm coming for you!
[suspenseful music playing]
-Go! Let's go! Go, go, go! -Holy shit!
-Just go! -[Phoebe] Get away from me!
-What are you doing? OK! -[Cole] Go on, go!
[Cole] Go, go, go!
[reverential music playing]
That motherfucker!
First Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner break up, now this?
[dramatic music playing]
[both panting]
What was that?
[Cole panting]
Wait. You saw that?
You saw the dead girl, the bloodthirsty maniacs?
Did I see that? Of course I saw that shit! Why'd they kill that girl?
OK, look, I... I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but, basically, they're a blood cult, and they made a deal with the Devil,
and in exchange for their souls, they get any life they want.
Thank God. I thought they were zombies. I hate zombies.
You... you believe me?
Yes. What else do you expect from attention-seeking social media millennials
with esteem issues?
-Shit. -[Max] Nice job, newbies.
Grade A bed-shitting.
-[Melanie] You losers let him go. -It was a simple task.
How hard is it to contain and drain a 60-pound freshman?
Just remember, you guys screwed it up the first time.
That's the only reason I was called in from the bullpen.
OK, ticktock, teeny-weenies. Let's go!
Ah, you want us to film this?
[Allison] Not the app! Like a clock. A clock clock.
[Diego] Oh! Like an old clock.
-Update me on the psycho Breakfast Club. -OK.
Basically, I saw the older ones die two years ago,
but clearly, they're back to life, like they're mimetic metal or something.
Liquid alloy?
-Wait, you watched Terminator 2? -Yes.
It's one of the four sequels in history that supersedes the original.
Where... We have to stick together. Where are you going?
"We"?
We are not a thing.
Bear Grylls clearly stipulates to never split up when in the wild.
Bear Grylls stays at the Ritz-Carlton with the guys from Queer Eye.
Listen, they're not gonna stop until they kill us.
Both of us.
Let's just go get them! I'm already losing hair.
-I think... I think Sonya cursed me. -Do what, Allison? Look. Hello! Hello!
We're in the middle of Camp Crystal Lake, and we don't where the fuck they went.
Yes, we do.
-[lighter cap clicks] -They have no idea what we're capable of.
We need something to fight with. What do you have in your murder pack?
None of your business, and nothing useful.
OK, let me see what I got. OK, silly string, lighter...
[Phoebe] "Magnum XLs."
Who were you and your massive schlong planning to have sex with tonight, Cole?
I thought tonight was gonna go really differently.
Listen, they only have till sunrise to complete the ritual, OK?
-So we just have to make it till morning. -[whooshing]
[grunting, groaning]
[Melanie] They're right there.
I got this.
[sniffs]
This is gonna be so good.
[Sonya] Mmm.
[coughing]
Now do you agree with me? We have to stick together, Phoebe.
Phoebe?
I wouldn't go out there alone if I were you.
You're not me!
I came here for a reason.
[breathing heavily]
[tense music playing]
[Phoebe panting]
[breathing shakily]
[birds squawk]
Oh God! [Phoebe pants]
[distant guitar melody playing]
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Sir, hello? Hi.
-[man] Hi. -Listen--
[man] How you doing?
I'm really sorry. I don't mean to intrude, but I could really use your help.
Is there any chance you could give me a ride back into town?
Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
Gonna take a minute, 'cause my wife is out getting some, uh, firewood.
Don't... don't be a stranger.
Of course. Yeah.
Well, come on.
[man sighs]
[man exhales]
[Phoebe] Thank you.
Shaking like a little deer, huh? Let's get you warm.
Come on, hey.
Come on. Get warm. Get warm.
Get a seat.
-OK. -Huh?
Get you taken care of.
[blows]
-It's a nice fire, huh? -Yeah.
-Really nice.
Do you like fish?
Sure, yeah.
I like snapper.
That's cool.
What're you doing out here alone?
Oh, I'm not alone.
I... I... I wasn't.
He... It's a long story. He's still out there.
I hope he's OK.
Yeah.
Listen, I... I'm really sorry, I don't mean to bother,
but do you know when your wife will be back?
I don't.
She left ten years ago.
[tense music playing]
-No, hey, now you just calm down. -Listen, I... No, I have to go.
-Shh. -No, I really should be going.
No! Get your hands off of me! Don't touch me. Let go!
-I can't be here. -Be quiet, little fish.
-Get your hands off me! -Shut up.
Wow, you guys making s'mores? I absolutely love s'mores!
I think the trick to a perfect s'more is to get the right heat balance
between the marshmallow, the chocolate, and the graham cracker. I love s'mores.
[singsong] I eat them just for pleasure!
[echoes]
Hey, this a private party.
We'll just take our private parts and be on our way.
Get back here! [grunts]
[man] Goddamn it!
-[Cole] Come on, get in! -No one gets away from Leeroy!
[both scream]
Fat Dragon.
[dramatic music playing]
[pipe organ music playing]
[Sonya] Gotta look gorgeous for the One. Your gorgeous dark One.
Sonya.
[Sonya] You came for me.
[both screaming]
I'll gut you like a fish!
Silence, rapist.
[Leeroy screaming]
[high-pitched scream]
[both scream]
-[Cole] Oh God! -[screams]
[thud]
[Sonya screams]
[gasps] What the hell?
Your blood belongs to us, Cole!
Yeah! Cole!
[crunching]
-Oh shit! Come on. -What?
-[birds squawk] -[Sonya grunts]
[Cole, Phoebe panting]
[tense music playing]
-Seriously? -Turn off your brights, asshole!
[Cole] Oh shit!
[screams]
[Sonya] I'm gonna cut off your face like Hannibal Lecter, Cole!
[screaming]
Get her off! Get her off!
-I'm gonna get-- -[engine revs]
Fuck!
[panting]
[blood squelching]
[both panting]
Shall we?
[thud]
[Cole clears throat]
[chuckles]
[distant chatter]
Did you hear that? Come on.
[upbeat music playing]
[Phoebe] Shh.
[breathing heavily]
-Looks like old-ass Sonya failed us. -"Old"?
-I'm gonna bring it on with this bitch! -[Max] OK. Easy.
Why don't you little-ass kids go change your diapers, grab a juice box?
-Leave this to the pros. -We need to shake these clowns.
-[Melanie] We don't need them. -[snake rattling]
[gasps]
[John] What'd you say, Teletubby?
Noods, I think you need to speak louder. Hearing's the first thing to go.
[John] What, Zoolander?
He said that hearing is the first thing to go, Morgan Freeman.
I heard. Morgan Freeman would beat your ass into a keto diet, motherfucker.
[Diego] Ah! Suck on these titties, motherfucker.
-[Phoebe] Be very still. -[Allison] Why is he even awake...
All right. Enough grab-ass.
You wanna play? Let's split up.
[snake hissing]
-See which group can find 'em first. -A little competition.
Yes. Now that I understand.
-[John] Yeah. -[Max] Worst of luck.
-[Phoebe] They're leaving. -[snake rattling]
-[John] Parkour... -Wait for your hot red-headed friend!
-[Melanie] Let's go. -[rattling]
[Phoebe whimpers]
[tense music playing]
-[sighs] -[metal clangs]
[shuddering breaths]
[tense music continues]
[Diego whimpering]
[Jimmy] I'm here. I'm here.
[Melanie] Are you done sixty-nineing?
-Um... It-- -[Melanie] Now!
It's called ophidiophobia!
-Even Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes! -[mouths] OK.
[Phoebe] Come on.
Come on.
[Max] Coley! Come out and play!
-[Cole] Where are we going? -[Phoebe] This way.
[Cole] "This way" where? These shoes are made for reading, not running.
There's a cabin at the far end of the lake.
I was heading there before I ran out of gas. We could hide out till sunrise.
A cabin in the woods.
Nobody's ever been murdered in a cabin in the woods.
[Max grunting eerily]
[John] Max! Stop that shit. It's creepy.
It's supposed to be. We're hunting children. [grunts eerily]
You know what? I am done, OK? Done with this chase bullshit.
How about you two go be frivolous and fetch me that boy?
I think she meant "chivalrous."
This rock looks like a spa day!
-I am dead tired. -And I'm tired of being dead.
Can we hurry up and do this shit? And why you trying to look sexy?
The only thing that's sexy in the desert: a glass of water.
Who goes hiking wearing fuck-me pumps?
They're not "fuck-me pumps," they're fuck you pumps.
We're gonna go. You hold up the rear.
Now that is a job I can do. You both have really cute butts.
-You been looking at my ass? -Wow. You are so lucky you're hot.
Duh! What I've been telling everybody! Y'all are really lucky I'm hot.
[Cole] Hold on a second. I gotta tie my shoes.
Hey, um...
[panting]
I'm really sorry for bailing on you out there.
Huh?
But I really appreciate you coming back.
No one's ever done anything like that for me before.
What? No, you don't need to say sorry. I'm sorry. I...
I'm the one who dragged you into the worst night of your life.
Believe it or not, this is not the worst night of my life.
What, you can beat rattlesnakes, flamethrowers, and dead bodies?
I mean, did you see Sonya's head?
It's not my first time seeing someone die.
Do you think everything happens for a reason?
No, Cole.
There's no chakras, no Santa,
no soulmates, no afterlife.
Them's the breaks, Ponyboy.
"Stay gold," my ass.
Wow. That's...
That's a really bleak outlook on the world
for somebody who's about to bring new life into it.
Huh?
I mean, you're pregnant.
-Oh! That was all bullshit. -What?
Yeah, I just said all that so everybody would leave me alone. Yeah.
-Come on. -You just...
[Phoebe] We gotta keep moving.
[tense music playing]
[rocks crumbling]
-Look right. -Yeah.
Now look up.
And now the three moons, and then there's that chicken right here.
-So real. -I wanna just grab it. Boom, boom.
I think it's great that he's taking a joyride with Melanie.
-Teens being teens. -Teens being teens!
-That's great parenting. Take the win. -No, I said no, so I'm not going to.
Why don't I just do everything? I'll light it, pull the carb out.
-If I don't touch, I'm not smoking it. -It's not real.
It's second-hand smoke.
[gurgling]
[inhales deeply]
[Juan] Jeez!
-Take it easy, Snoop. -[blows]
-My God. Going on tour? -[coughs]
[Cole] How do we know this cabin's gonna be empty?
I just know, all right?
It was my family's cabin, but no one's been for a long time.
I don't wanna talk about it. Just whatever. It's empty.
Wait, you... you came to a big, crowded, popular people event
to stay in a remote cabin all by yourself?
I needed to be alone. You wouldn't understand.
What... Yeah. Trust me, I... I understand being alone.
I don't know if you noticed, but everybody at school thinks I'm weird.
I didn't notice. The three-piece suit seemed perfectly reasonable to me.
Yeah. Ha-ha, OK, but...
What I'm saying is, I don't think anyone chooses to--
-[click] -[both gasps]
[Cole panting]
-[gunshot] -[both gasp]
Ooh, I've been thinking about this moment a long time, Cole-biscuits.
[whimsical music plays]
I wanna be the world's best journalist.
Renowned, respected, like Geraldo.
Only... fuckable.
-Um... We won't be in touch. -[Allison] Well...
Goddamn it! I'll show you breaking news! How do you like this?
[yelling]
[Bee] Allison.
[gasps] What?
[thud]
[whimsical music playing]
-Oh! Oh my God! -Shit!
Oh my God! Did you just kill Bambi?
Boo-hoo. Watch a kids' movie.
The parents always die!
-[chuckles] -[Cole] Shit!
God!
Too bad Bee's not here to blow my head all over your face like a bukkake movie.
Allison! Allison, wait! Wait, uh...
Think...
-Think of the journalistic opportunity. -Go on.
[Cole] "Young hot journalist saves two teens in spooky canyon." Right?
Right?
Oh! Oh yeah!
Yeah, you totally give me, like, a young Kelly Ripa vibe.
-[Cole] That's who it is! -With a little Barbara Walters.
-[Cole] Uh-huh. -Like the look?
Your verbal acuity is unparalleled.
Exactly! Allison, you... you are ready for prime time.
-"Prime time?" -You are a star.
Y... You think I'm a star?
A shining...
bright star.
Exactly.
If I let you guys go, you'd do that for me?
We can walk away from all this and forget it ever happened.
[Cole] Uh-huh.
That's my line, A-cups!
[groans] My boob!
Fuck me! Again?
You little shits! Where'd you go?
[suspenseful music playing]
[grunts]
[Allison howls]
[Allison yells, grunts]
[Cole] Oh shit!
[groans] Help me. Help me, please. Please!
Cole, better not be fucking looking at my butt, you little perv!
Don't you fucking dare!
-[Allison] No! Don't! -[Cole] On three.
Don't you fucking dare. I'll fucking shoot you!
[groaning]
[screaming]
-[blood squelching] -[both panting]
[Cole whimpers]
[panting]
[Phoebe] That's gross.
[tense music playing]
-[Max grunts] -[blood squelches]
[Max grunts, chuckles]
[cocks gun]
Freeze, baby dolphin.
-You don't have the-- -Balls?
-[gun clicks] -[chuckles]
I was gonna say bullets.
You can't kill me. You need me for the ritual!
[yells]
I don't think so. [Max grunts]
[Max yells]
Wait! My bag.
Shoe? Have I taught you nothing?
Phoebe, let's go!
[dramatic music playing]
[groaning]
[Cole] Come on.
-[Phoebe] Holy shit! -[Cole] Really? The bag?
Finally found my dick, Cole.
[reverential music playing]
[Cole] OK, it's a keyless start. We need a code.
-Try "Jenny." -No, it's numbers, not letters.
-Um... Two, three, four... -[beeps]
[Cole] Oh, come on!
Hey! What are you doing?
That's my rental!
-Sir, please help us. -Yes. Please help us.
[Cole] There are people chasing us.
-Get the hell outta there! -We're gonna die.
We need your help because, basically--
-[blood squelching] -[groaning]
No!
Do you not know the difference between salted and spicy fries, "Max"?
Because I do.
Why don't you go back there and get me my regular salted fries that I ordered?
I'm gonna be late for SoulCycle, and they're gonna give my bike away.
Why aren't you wearing a shirt, you cunt?
You wanna kill somebody?
Oh my God.
Oh no!
Believe it or not, I missed you. Is that weird?
-[Cole] Give me the code. -But you killed me... now I like you more.
-[John] Get 'em, Max! -[Max] Nice vessel. She's a sweetie.
[in Forrest Gump voice] That's ma boat. Name's Jenny.
[in normal voice] Oh God, I love that song, "Jenny."
Tommy Tutone's 1981 classic.
[ding]
♪ Eight, six, seven, five Three, oh, nine ♪
-Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine. -[Phoebe] Come on! Hurry!
-Start the boat! -[Cole] Yes!
It's Jackass time!
Coming, Knoxville?
Whoa!
-But I died first last time. -[Max] If you're not first, you're last!
-Whoo! -[John] Work those biceps, Max!
[Cole] Oh shit! Oh shit!
I'm coming for you!
["Police Truck" playing]
[Max] Come on, faster, Cole!
[Max whooping]
♪ Tonight's the night That we got the truck ♪
♪ We're goin' downtown Gonna beat up drunks... ♪
I'm coming, Cole!
[Max] Better move your ass!
Phoebe, cut the rope!
♪ Ride how we ride... ♪
[Cole] Come on, Phoebe! Cut the rope!
Phoebe, the rope, now!
♪ Ride ♪
Come on, buddy. I'm right behind you.
♪ It's roundup time Where the good whores meet ♪
♪ We're gonna drag one screaming Off the street ♪
♪ Ride, ride how we ride... ♪
[Cole] What are you doing? What are you doing?
Trust me.
[Max] Cole! You giving up?
That's no fun.
[gasping]
Easy, killer.
Silly string... Pretty lame.
Pretty flammable. [yells]
[Max yells]
[panting]
[suspenseful music plays]
-No! -I'm coming for you, Cole!
Oh!
[Max] No!
Fuck you, Cole!
Oh!
[gasping]
Oh, shit.
[grunts]
I made the right choice.
What are you doing?
If you don't chill, you wack-ass blonde Pocahontas... This a introspective moment.
I just seen my boy Max get diced up into Max chowder.
This night, it is not rocking!
I should be excited I didn't get killed first.
That's some post-Jordan Peele era horror movie progress. OK?
But this kid, Cole, he a genius now.
Before, he was a baby, now he's all grownst up.
Before, I wanted to spank him like a baby, like, bam, bam, bam!
Now I gotta kill him like a man, just... [grunts]
-John's right. -See that?
I'm no math major, but I do know that out of the eight of us,
73% are dead, which leaves 49% alive,
and only 6% will make it out of here.
-I don't like my odds. -The math is shit.
Melanie, you know my dyslexias kicks in when I'm stressed.
-For this, sign up, not did I! -You doing too much of this, OK?
You gotta pick up a book and read that shit.
This is exactly what you signed up for.
"Drain Cole's blood," you said. "Kill Boom Boom," you said.
I didn't know Cole was the Channing Tatum of murder!
Mel. Quick question.
Are we still thinking we'll get back, like, morning-ish tomorrow?
-What? -Well, Lauren Bello invited us
to an escape room at noon.
Supposed to be there, like, 15 minutes early.
-It's, like, a whole waiver situation. -You guys are such pussies.
That's it! You know that's a trigger word for us.
-I'm out. -You're not going anywhere.
-We signed a deal. -[Jimmy] I promised to help kill people,
-and you promised to stop insulting me. -Yeah!
Diego...
-let's bounce. -That's right, be a little bitch.
This is always my issue with third-wheeling. Sorry, Mel.
Bros before ho--
Oh shit! What the fuck?
What was that?
Diego!
I don't think you understand how this works, Jimmy.
Noodle?
What about you?
I am staying right here! My feet is planted on the earth!
You hear me, Satan?
-You ain't gonna get no service out here. -Sat-phone, bitch.
Plan B is more than a pill I take on Saturdays.
[phone ringing]
Oh God. [coughing]
-Go for Archie. -[Melanie] Hi, Mr. Johnson.
I'm so sorry to call you this late. It's me, Melanie.
Is, uh, Cole with you?
Yeah, me and Cole were just at the lake, and... I think we had too much to drink.
-[Archie] Thank God! -I was wondering if you could pick us up.
[Archie] Oh, OK, all right. We'll come get you.
Thank you.
-We're on our way. They're at the lake. -Who was that?
-That was Melanie. They're at the lake. -Oh my God! Is she in one piece?
Yeah. I mean, she was a little shaken up--
Not her! The car!
[Phoebe] How much longer till sunrise?
[Cole] Uh...
About three hours.
You deduced that from staring at the stars?
Yeah. You know, 'cause the constellations all revolve around the North Star,
and so it's kinda like a clock.
Sorry, just something my dad taught me when I was a kid.
I used to dream I'd grow up to be the kinda guy
who could be lost in the middle of nowhere,
and just with the courage of my conviction and the night sky, I could survive.
So, kind of like now?
What was your childhood dream?
No. It's too weird.
[Cole] I like weird.
I wanted to be Alice.
From Alice In Wonderland.
I wanted to fall down the rabbit hole and wake up in a strange land,
and meet all sorts of crazy characters...
go on adventures along the way.
Mad,
wild, deranged adventures.
So, kinda like now.
[dreamy music playing]
Yo, we make a left here, we go to Wakanda, forget the whole thing.
I've been practicing my accent.
-[in African accent] "Is this your king?" -Not a chance in hell.
[Phoebe] This is it.
This is where I was headed.
-Hey, you coming? -Yeah.
[Phoebe] Shit. OK, follow me.
[Cole] Come on.
[Cole] Oh, this place is awesome.
This was my family's cabin.
I haven't been back since my pa...
Since what?
It's nothing. Yo, are you OK?
I really have to go to the bathroom. Is there one?
Uh, there's an outhouse. Out there.
We can't go outside.
Do you have to go number one or number two?
I would kill us both before I poop in front of you.
Can you hold it?
That would damage my pelvic floor.
[scoffs] Fine! Go ahead.
Where?
-The vase. I don't know! -I...
-Go. -OK.
Can you turn around? A little privacy?
Whatever.
And... cover your ears.
-What? -I'm self-conscious about my stream.
It's a little weak, but my doctor says it's perfectly normal.
[Phoebe] Oh my God.
[unzips zipper]
[urine pattering]
[tense music playing]
[music intensifies]
-Boo! -[urine splattering]
-[Phoebe] Shit! -Oh!
That was not fun for either of us!
Weak stream, my ass!
I'll deal with the pinkeye, as long as your pelvic floor is OK.
-[chuckles] Shit! -I'm so sorry.
Can I... can I help you clean that up?
Nah, it... it's cool. Urine is sterile.
-Come on. I'll survive. -Yeah.
["White Rabbit" playing]
[Phoebe] I think this is our safest bet. Hide out here till sunrise.
Yeah, it looks safe.
Move, bitch.
Yeah...
♪ One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small... ♪
What is this place?
♪ And the ones that mother gives you Don't do... ♪
It's my rabbit hole.
I made it when I was little.
I felt very safe here.
♪ And if you go chasing rabbits ♪
Alice's tea party?
♪ And you know you're going to fall ♪
♪ Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar ♪
♪ Has given you the call ♪
♪ He called Alice ♪
♪ When she was just small... ♪
Got 'em.
Wait, look, I'm not so sure I'm happy we found him. OK?
Every time someone sneaks up on this kid, they rest in pieces.
Here's the plan:
we wait.
Wh... The plan is to wait?
For daylight? Till I burn up into ashes?
I got shit to do. I wanna go to a strip club and see Cinnamon.
Taken us this far, haven't I?
Stick with me, John.
The future is female.
The fuck does that mean?
[suspenseful music playing]
["Black Velvet" playing]
♪ Black velvet and that little boy smile ♪
♪ Black velvet And that slow southern style ♪
♪ A new religion That'll bring you to your knees ♪
-♪ Black velvet if you please ♪ -[cell phone ringing]
Ah.
Who's that? Pick it up. Pick it up. Yeah.
-[Mom] Hi. -Hey, honey, we got him.
Oh thank God. He's OK?
-Was he ever? Let's be honest. -No.
Yeah, he's with Melanie at the lake. She dinged me--
-Pinged us. Pinged. -She dinged us the location.
I swear to God, it's ding.
-It's GIF, not jiff. It's ping, not ding. -Who is that?
-She pinged us the location. -Is that Juan?
-We'll be there in 30 minutes. -Are you guys high?
It's fine. I'm bringing our boy home, OK, honey?
Did you take pot? Honey?
What's that?
-Are you high? -Who... who are you talking to?
I'm talking to you. Are you high?
At this point, I'm not sure who you're talking to.
Are you high?
-Am I? Or are you? -You took pot!
I w...
Look, I'm gonna be honest with you--
[Juan] We're going through a tunnel! I hung up.
-Yeah, that was great timing. -Yeah.
I can still hear you, you Joe Exotic-look--
-What? -I just hung up. I hung up. Sorry.
Call her back.
["White Rabbit" continues playing]
[Cole] Who's that?
Bunny was my lovey.
He was my best friend, and...
I lost him...
when I was six.
Two days ago, he showed up in my locker with the key to the house
and a fortune saying,
"It ends tonight."
Who do you think put it in your locker?
I don't know.
A guardian angel?
There's something about tonight... doesn't feel like a coincidence.
[heart beating]
Yeah. A... cassette player!
Wow.
[chuckles] These are so exhilarating, 'cause the cassettes are fragile and--
Yeah.
Every time you play 'em, you know, it could be the last time that you get to.
-["Apache" playing] -Oh!
Oh!
-I love this song. -Me too!
I think one time, me and my babysitter listened to this for 48 hours straight.
-She sounds pretty cool. -Yeah, she was. Is. I... I don't know.
She's... kind of who started the thing with them out there.
Mine always said it was her job to protect me.
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Tonto, jump on it Jump on it, jump on it ♪
♪ Kemosabe, jump on it Jump on it, jump on it ♪
♪ Custer, jump on it Jump on it, jump on it ♪
♪ Jump on it ♪
♪ A-hunga-hunga-hunga-hunga ♪
[screams]
-[Melanie] Hi! -[Archie] Hey.
[Melanie] I'm sorry! I thought it'd be fun to get him out the house for a night,
but then he just kinda went crazy.
Like, he started talking about the cult stuff again.
That's all good, but where's the car? You're gonna hear from my attorneys.
-Where's Cole? -He's over there. I'll take you to him.
But be prepared. He's, like, saying really weird stuff.
-Oh shit. -[Melanie] OK.
-His kid is a waking nightmare. -Tell me about it.
-Who are you, bro? -I'm John.
Juan.
That's dope. You're the Hispanic version of me.
-Exactamundo! -[both chuckle]
Wait. Mr. Johnson, I think it's best if I stay back here.
He thinks I'm, like, evil or something. I don't wanna freak him out again.
[sighs] Yeah, that's... that's a great idea.
-OK, thank you. -OK. Be careful!
[John] Come on! He running full speed, huh?
[Juan] God, I gotta shit. Hope there's a bathroom in there.
If I'm being completely honest, I thought you were gonna kiss like a turtle.
-But you're surprisingly good. -I get that a lot. [laughs]
-A lot? Really? -You know, I've had a little practice.
With who?
Uh...
Actually, the girl who's trying to kill us.
I don't really have good luck with women. They sorta end up being murderers.
[Phoebe sighs]
Well...
I guess your streak still stands.
[Cole] What do you mean?
What?
What is it?
Uh...
I killed my parents.
[pensive music playing]
Come on, we have to hurry. He's all alone, and Bunny only has one eye.
[Bee] You sure you know where you left him?
[Phoebe] Yeah. Right at the water line.
[tires screech]
I was in the car that crashed into them.
If I hadn't left that stupid bunny at the lake,
if I just waited until morning, I would still have my parents.
I would still have a family.
[sniffles]
Go on.
Say it. I know you want to.
[whispers] Say what?
The whole Good Will Hunting speech where you're like... [sniffles]
"It's not your fault."
It's what every state-issued social worker has told me my entire life.
I can't tell you that it's not your fault.
But I also can't tell you that it is your fault.
You went through something
that no little kid should ever have to go through.
And it sucks that you have to carry that pain with you
for the rest of your life.
But...
it's through adversity...
that we find strength.
You are...
by far...
the strongest person I have ever met.
And I couldn't have made it through tonight without you.
[Archie] Cole? Buddy?
Dad?
Why don't you come on up, OK? Let's go home.
[hatch rattling]
-[Archie] Hey, Cole, it's locked! -Don't go up there!
-I have to. It's my dad. -But we're safe here.
-[Archie] Buddy, come on. -Look, maybe it's a trap.
Both the T-800 and the T-1000 use voice sampling.
[Archie] Buddy, let's go home.
Or maybe Melanie's using your parents to try to lure you out there.
[Archie] Come on, Cole, just come up. Nothing's gonna happen to you.
It stinks of pee up here!
[thumping]
[rattling]
Cole!
-We can't hide here forever, Phoebe. -We don't have to.
-Just another hour or so. -[Archie] Just come up, buddy.
-Everything's fine. -[Phoebe] Look!
Everyone I have ever cared about has died right in front of me.
Please don't go up there.
If it is a trap, then he's in danger, and we have to help him.
-[rattling] -[Juan] Listen to your father, Cole!
But if we go up there, we can't go unarmed.
Which is ironic, because my dad kept his hunting gear down here.
What? Why didn't you say that? Let's grab it.
Can't. I don't have the combo to the safe.
-I was six. -Wow.
I guess it all does end tonight.
Cole?
[beeping]
Could this night get any more erotic?
[Cole] Step away from the door! Phoebe and I are coming out!
Who's Phoebe?
Imaginary friend. He's having a psychotic delusion.
You've gone loco again, Cole!
I did not go loco.
[splutters] I know you didn't. This is all in your head.
Where'd you get the crossbow?
Three, two, one...
[badly singing] ♪ Everyone's watching ♪
[mumbling]
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Baby ♪
[scats out of key]
Can't give up on me like that, Frank.
I'll do anything to make it!
-I... -[groans]
John?
Dad, move away from him!
-Just take a breath, OK? -[John] Calm down.
Oh, shit!
[singing melody]
-Cole! -You just tried to shoot me!
And you missed, bitch!
[Cole screams]
[John] Whoo! Ha!
You a clumsy bitch, ain't you?
No, stop!
You about to die a virgin!
Shit!
[grunts]
-[blood squelching] -[screaming]
Oh!
[choking]
-He's dead. -He's a demon!
-Son... -Please, Cole, you're scaring me.
No. Stay away from us!
-Cole, it's me! -Get back!
Please put it down. OK? It's me, it's Melanie.
Get back, now!
I love you, Cole.
-He's not himself. We need to help him. -OK, Cole, listen to me...
-[Cole] She's part of it! -Part of what?
-The blood cult. -He's telling the truth.
There is no cult! OK?
-Just put down the weapons, please! -Put it down.
Nice catch, baby girl!
Let's go!
-[Archie] Cole, stop! -[Cole] Come on! Go!
Cole!
-Where are you going, sweetie? -Let go of me!
No! I'm calling it! We out this piece!
I'm not going anywhere with you.
Oh, my God, you're grounded. No Coachella--
[screaming]
That's it! I'm taking your IUD!
[screaming]
[Juan, gasping choking]
[both panting]
I have to face my dad. Run, OK?
Run until the sun comes up. Don't stop.
I'll find you. I promise I'll find you.
Go.
-[Archie] Cole! -Dad...
-Cole. -Dad, I'm not crazy, OK? I swear!
-Stop. -I'm sorry I yelled at you, OK?
But you have to understand, he's a demon.
OK. OK. It's OK, I'm here.
OK.
-Come on. -OK.
It's OK.
-I love you, Dad. -I love you too.
I love you too.
[Cole sighs]
-I'm not going anywhere, OK? -I'm sorry.
-[Archie] It's gonna be OK. -[stabbing]
-Dad? -It's OK, it's gonna be OK. I'm here.
You don't understand, I have to save her.
-You don't understand... -I got you. We're gonna get you home.
So close.
The knife toss isn't your specialty, Melanie.
Maybe you should stick with trust as your weapon of mass destruction.
Trust is for people that are too scared to believe in themselves.
-I used to feel the same way. -I know.
You're a self-loathing, whiny bitch.
Which makes you a perfect candidate for my team.
Join us, and be the best version of yourself.
So, what's it gonna be?
[male voice] Fight!
[bones cracking]
[grunts]
[blood squelching]
[male voice] Game over!
Should've taken my offer to be a big fish.
Now you're just bait.
[Archie sniffles]
Electric cars... [sniffles]
My God, they're stupid...
cars.
Oh my boy!
Oh God, my neck. What a night.
[reverential music playing]
[Melanie sighs] You know,
you and I have a lot in common.
[chuckles]
Back there, the way he looked at you...
That's the same way he used to look at me.
Are you gonna monologue me to death?
-I mean, I was, but I guess I won't now. -Your plan's not gonna work.
He's not gonna come back. His dad probably has him on lockdown.
Cole's a big Terminator fan.
He'll be back.
[Archie sighs]
-[car alarm blaring] -[Archie] Oh shit! Where is it?
Cole, unlock the door. Cole, unlock the door.
Cole! Come on! Cole, give me the keys. Cole!
Open up! Uh-oh! Don't go over there.
Cole! Cole! Cole! Unlock the door.
-Turn off the car! -Dad, listen to me.
Listen to me, OK?
Look, you're always saying that we find our strength through adversity.
Yeah, I...
Tonight, I realize that strength is measured by the lengths you'll go to
-for the people you love. -Oh, Cole...
I'm in love with her, and I made a promise.
Cole, no, no... Cole! Cole! Cole!
[sighs]
Why am I here?
You said you needed Cole. Cole's with his dad.
Parents don't stand a chance against a lovestruck teenager.
People will do anything to get what they want.
-And what Cole wants... -[knife rasps]
[chuckles]
...is you.
[phone ringing]
Ah! I wonder who that could be.
[sighs] Hey, Cole!
-[Melanie] Are you having fun tonight? -Where is she?
Pirate's Cove.
Be here in 20 minutes,
or she's dead.
Follow the smoke.
Hey...
you're not prettier than me.
[dramatic music playing]
[Cole] Hey! Melanie!
I'm not gonna fight you anymore, OK? Just don't hurt her!
-Cole! -Phoebe, are you OK?
-Yeah, I'm good. -Is this where you want me?
[pants]
Here I am!
Take my blood, kill me, whatever.
I'm so sick of this shit!
OK, you have me! Let her go!
Not until I deliver.
For who?
For her.
[reverential music playing]
You...
Hey, Coley.
[scoffs] I should've known this night would end with you.
Bee?
You two know each other?
Hey, Phoebe.
You've grown.
She was my babysitter.
Yeah.
I thought you were dead.
No.
I was told you died the night of the accident.
It's OK. Bunny's gonna be fine.
-I love you. -[tires screech]
I was the only survivor, by some miracle.
"Miracle..."
Deal with the Devil.
[growling]
Or a Faustian bargain.
And now, Mephistopheles is here to collect the debt.
-[tuts] -Here...
take it.
-Stab me again. -[Melanie] All right.
As much as I love a family reunion...
we're on the clock, whores. Let's go.
Melanie, you were my best friend.
I had a chance to trade up.
We all did. [laughs]
[reverential music playing]
[panting]
Thank you.
We all drink, and then we finally get what we deserve!
[panting]
[Bee] It's time.
Oh!
Let's go.
[John] Mmm.
-Come, come, come. -[Max exhales]
It's disgusting though. [gags]
I don't know where your mouth has been.
The world is mine.
[in Latin] Ave Satanus Aeternum.
[in English] Bring it.
Goddamn! Slow down! Save some for the fishes.
Yes. I feel it.
[laughs]
The unhallowed prophecy is fulfilled.
[John grunting]
Did it work?
-Feel a little warm. -It's happening.
Something's not right. I... I do not feel cute.
[John groans]
Cover your mouth!
[coughing]
"The blood of the sacrificed
mixed with the blood of the innocent."
[chuckles]
But you're not so innocent anymore, are ya?
He's a virgin! He has to be!
Look at that skinny little creep. Who'd have sex with that?
You wanna tell 'em, or should I?
[Sonya] No, no!
If the blood offering is tainted, then...
You betrayed us!
♪ She's a Killer Queen... ♪
You fucking stud, Cole!
I'm not even mad, bro!
Respect!
♪ Anytime... ♪
[coughing]
[grunts]
Black power, bitch!
[gasping]
Heavenly Father, I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.
[grunts]
♪ Temporarily out of gas ♪
♪ To absolutely drive you wild ♪
♪ Wild ♪
♪ She's all out to get you ♪
♪ She's a Killer Queen ♪
♪ Gunpowder, gelatine ♪
♪ Dynamite with a laser beam... ♪
[screaming]
[gasps]
-Oh my God. -[chuckles]
Big Carl was right.
I just needed to get laid!
[Phoebe chuckles]
Wait, so you rigged this entire thing just to save us?
I'm just looking for gas. My jet ski's running low.
A million followers isn't cool. You know what's cool?
A billion followers.
When you figure out what you want, you'll do anything to get it.
Hi.
[Bee chuckles]
You were my guardian angel.
The... the little girl, is she OK?
She doesn't have much time.
Oh God...
[nurse] If she could be saved...
[in demonic voice] what would you give?
I would give anything.
And I swore to always protect you.
-[chuckles] -[Cole] Wait.
How were you certain that, um...
that we would just do the... I would render, um...
myself not...
you know, not an "innocent"?
I wasn't.
But I always said when the right girl came along,
she would appreciate your weirdness.
And you of all people know that shortcuts are a cop-out.
Getting what you want...
...without actually working for it is ultimately unrewarding.
Especially with love.
I loved you.
[chuckles]
You changed me that night.
God, I've missed you.
So, it's over? I mean, we're safe. We can all just go.
Not yet.
[Archie] Cole!
-Wha... -[Cole] Dad?
-[Archie] Bee? -Hey, Mr. Johnson!
Hey!
Cole, I found a babysitter. Where have you been?
You raised a fine young man, Mr. Johnson.
I'm coming down.
You two take care of each other, OK?
Wait, what are you doing?
[Bee] This ritual...
has winners...
and losers.
It's you or them.
There's no draw with this Devil shit.
You defeat your demons, or you die.
But they're defeated.
Not all of 'em.
What are you talking about?
I'm the last demon.
Bee, no, come on, please. Please, there has to be another way, Bee.
No.
Bee, there has to be another way. Please, no.
[Cole pants]
Bye, Phoebe.
Bye, Bee.
[sniffles]
Bye, Cee.
Bye, Bee.
[sobs]
[zapping sound]
[chuckles]
[crackling]
[growling]
[electrical crackling]
[dramatic music playing]
[panting]
It's OK.
What the fuck was that?
[Cole] Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
You saw that?
Did I see that? The... the babysitter who just evaporated into black smoke?
Yeah, Cole! It was...
pretty hard to miss.
[Archie] Oh!
It was all true.
Everything you were saying to me.
Everything, everything. Ev...
You were telling me the truth.
Oh my God! I gotta call your mom and tell her that you're not nuts.
Not that we ever called you nuts. We didn't think you were nuts.
[Cole] You believe me now?
-You believe me? -Yeah.
I believe you, Cole.
Let me show you something you won't believe.
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
All right.
That's my boy.
I gotta... Let me take a picture of that.
♪ Tonto, jump on it ♪
[Archie] I'll call your mom.
Honey, I got... I got Cole. He's OK.
♪ Kemosabe, jump on it Jump on it ♪
[Archie] Um, it's a long story. But I got him.
[bell ringing]
-So, no more delusions or anything? -Nope.
It was all in my head.
[chuckles]
God, it sounds so insane now. I mean, no wonder you guys wanted me committed.
I'm committed to getting through high school.
Oh my God! I love that! You are my crowning achievement.
I saved your life.
Look at your little Tom Cruise-looking ass!
You're working those bangs like you in a boy band or something.
You got some pussy, didn't you? I can tell! Look at you, all big and shit.
You're gangly, you got your little corduroy jacket
with your neck up and shit. You got your glasses.
You Magnum XL-wearing motherfucker. You're doing the work. That's what it is.
You making strides, you're doing the work, and you're seeing results.
Get your ass up! Come on, let's hug it out.
That's what we do at Cornell. Oh... Look at you. Did you just get a boner?
["Hocus Pocus" playing]
[sinister music playing]
[reverential music playing]
[funky music playing]
[melodic music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
[ethereal music playing]
[melodic music playing]
[reverential music playing]