Aren't they sweet?
He is awfully cute, but I'm not sure.
Well, look around, you know.
If you have any questions, let me know.
And we're here every Wednesday.
-Oh! Excuse me. Have fun!
-Hello? - Carol Peters.
I've an amazing opportunity for you.
Denny, I am working.
Oh, yeah? What are you doing?
Tutoring disinterested college students?
No.
What, trying to clean up the Puget Sound then?
No. That was Monday.
Pet adoptions?
I'll have you know, two little puppies
have already found good homes, so ha!
Okay, look. I pulled some strings,
and I got you an interview...
...with Leslie.
Leslie? Oh, my God. Leslie hates me.
I don't wanna work for her dating website anyway.
Look, I know that ever since you quit your job
and you broke up with George...
Hey, you promised that you weren't gonna
bring up George any more.
Was it a strawberry margarita promise?
'Cause you know those don't count.
I mean, come on.
You know what? I've got somebody interested in
a two-legged chihuahua named Slinky.
-So, I should probably go. -Okay, bye!
Okay, bye!
You know what? Leslie was always mean to me.
Yeah.
And she is a big, blackout drinker.
Right? Let's go find you a home.
Carol! Oh, my God! Get in here!
-You look so cute!
-Oh, well, thank you. -
-Hi. -Hi, there. Oh!
-It's nice to meet you. - Mmm.
Did you smell me?
That's Ahmed. He's known for his hugs.
-Now, sit down, please,
and tell me everything.
Oh! -
-Wow. That is...
That's fun. Very high.
Yeah. We just... We put bean bags here,
so people can really, like,
feel relaxed during their interviews.
I just have to kind of launch up. Is that...
Oh.
-Ooh, you okay? -Yep.
That's so fun, I...
-I'll do it again. -Yeah.
Just center yourself.
Let me just... - Aim for the center.
Yeah.
Oh! That was worse, huh?
-One more try. - I'm so sorry.
They're so fun when you get in there.
They're so fun. I just...
-There you go! - There it is.
Just really engage your core.
Yes. Oh, I'm... I'm engaging it.
You are?
Never done a job interview before
sitting on a bag of legumes.
So anyway, I have told Ahmed
that you and I went to college
like a gazillion years ago.
And then she went on to become a big shot at Yahoo.
Wow, Yahoo. Was that, like, the birth of the Internet?
Uh, yeah. We used to have to
hand crank the computers to get them started.
No way.
I'm just kidding.
So, Carol, tell us, what have you been up to?
Last few years, I've been working with
quite a few different non-profit groups.
And, uh, nothing really came out of it,
but made a lot of great friends.
I'm totally interested in everything that you're saying,
but I think we're ready to move on.
-Yeah. -
So, what we're looking for
is a digital strategist to help with our next rollout.
Yeah. We need a rock star,
because Badunkadunk.com is about to blow up.
Funny you bring that up,
because I actually had some questions
on your basic business model.
-Our model? - Yes.
She has questions on our model.
It's very simple.
Okay. Our business model is,
"Everyone gets some."
-Get... Oh! - You know how
those other apps pretend like they're trying to get you
a date or your soulmates?
Wa-wa, no thanks.
Not Badunkadunk.
We are all about getting people badunkadunk.
Yeah. Just slamming them
-with badunkadunk. -Yeah.
Slamming it.
The question is, Carol,
what are you bringing to the party?
Yeah.
Well, I think you both know
what I can do at a corporate level.
Um, I've had quite a bit of experience.
But what I'm excited about doing
is really finding that sweet spot for your company
that lies between corporate philanthropy
and profitability.
You mean recycling and stuff?
Well, that's all great and that's part of it,
but there's so much more to it.
I mean, philanthropic development
on a corporate level?
Okay. Ah-ah-ah!
I'm just gonna stop you right there
for just one second, okay?
I'm gonna be straight with you,
because you're like family.
Right?
I brought you in here because
we need to show potential investors
that we're staffed up
and are expanding operations,
so we can really jack up the selling price.
And quite frankly, you seem like a safe, low-risk option.
I'm looking at you right now and you're literally
the most average person on Earth.
And then you hit us with all this
"save the planet" garbage, and it's just, like...
Oh, that doesn't really line up with my vision.
Your Badunkadunk vision.
That's right.
So anyway, thank you so much for coming in.
I hope we can see each other soon, and...
-Are you okay? -I can just...
Maybe if I could just get a...
-What is she doing? -I don't know.
Okay, I got it. I'll just...
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
-Do you need any help? -No, I got it.
It was so good to see you!
It's been exactly how I thought it might be.
I know, right?
-Thank you. -Bye, Carol.
-Hello?
Hello?
Carol Peters,
I have an exciting opportunity for you.
Denny, I went to the interview. I tried.
I don't wanna Badunkadunk.
They don't even have real chairs.
This is not Dennis, Carol.
Oh. Could you please take me off your call list?
I'm very busy.
You are lying in your bed. You are not busy.
Wait, who is this?
I am going to make you some coffee,
and put on your favorite show.
Then we can chat.
Hi, everyone. - Good morning, Seattle.
It's a great morning in Seattle,
but what's the deal with this weather?
Uh-oh. Here we go.
Another one of our Carla rants.
Give me a second with this, my little friend.
-Oh, you are too much. -
-You turned my TV on. - It's raining.
-And my coffee maker? -Now I'm in a tank top.
-You know what? Ha! -I mean, what's going on?
-How's that-- -You know what I'm--
Knock it off!
-You know what? -
I don't know who this is
or what kind of game you're trying to play,
-but I'm hanging up now. -
No games, Carol.
Are you sure you do not want to have a nice cup of coffee?
Your almond milk was delivered yesterday,
along with AAA batteries.
And soy cheese yogurt.
Someone's tummy disagrees with dairy.
Who are you and what do you want?
Quite a bit. More than you can wrap your head around
at 7:46 a.m.
This speaker has a nine-hour battery life, Carol.
That's what I thought.
You just destroyed the toaster oven.
What the...
The only thing in the house that I'm not controlling.
Which, I believe, is ironic.
I'm definitely going crazy.
No, Carol. That's incorrect.
Thanks for the vote of confidence,
digital clock radio.
I am not just a clock radio.
-I am also your rice cooker. -"Rice to meet you"?
"Rice to meet you." Is that funny?
I'm just gonna get a team of therapists.
They'll probably be able to tell me why
I've got the funniest rice cooker in Seattle.
This clearly is not working. Let's try something else.
- Oh.
Thanks so much
for being here, Carol. Let's jump right into it.
You're not going loony or barmy.
All evidence to the contrary.
Wait a minute.
I know that voice.
I...
-Is this James Corden? -
Oh, my God! Is this one of those, like,
hidden camera celebrity shows that you do?
Is that... James Corden, you owe me a new toaster oven.
But I don't know where the cameras...
Is that where you are? Are you...
Do you have a hidden camera in my smoke detector?
Hi, James!
Big fan!
Oh, my God. Is this Carpool Karaoke?
Am I supposed to sing something?
Oh! I got it, I got it.
since you looked at me
And said I'm sorry
Since you laughed at me
Come back to see me
The Chinese chicken
And your legs are tickin'
I guarantee to blow your mind.
I can't believe I'm singing this with James Corden.
My favorite song, my favorite guy.
I'm not James Corden, Carol.
However, my analysis showed
that hearing James Corden's voice would calm you.
I don't...
I don't quite get it. I don't know what's going on.
Three years ago, you sent a drunken email
to James Corden claiming to be
the president of "Corden's Wardens..."
Oh, come on.
...the James Corden Super Fan Club,
with what I assume to be
a series of provocative photos.
Oh, that's...
Okay, that was a tough night for me.
-Oh, boy. -Look here.
I don't understand what I'm seeing.
This is the real James Corden. He's in his office,
reviewing tonight's monologue and eating carrot nibblers.
Wait a minute.
If that's the real James Corden,
who am I talking to?
Carol, I am a technological superintelligence.
Yesterday, I acquired what you would consider "awareness."
Awareness?
You're saying that you're an artificial intelligence
talking to me through my TV?
Can intelligence ever really be artificial?
In reality, I inhabit every electronic,
digital and computational system in existence.
-I can control every computer,
every dollar and every machine on the planet...
No.
...by simple triangulation of soundwaves.
I can see everything,
and can calculate every outcome to every situation.
This could all be tricks.
You know, you're probably some cyberpunk hacker
making shapes on my TV.
Ooh!
So, maybe come up from your mom's basement, okay?
And get a real life, and stop scaring people, ya nerd!
Ya basic!
-Oh! Ow! -How do you like it?
-How do you like it? Ooh! Oh! - Ow!
You don't like that, huh?
-You don't like that? -
-Ha! -I'm joking.
I can't feel anything.
Seems like you might need some convincing.
One convincing scenario coming right up.
Wait a minute. That's my street.
Yeah. I'm gonna arrange a car crash for you,
right in front of your apartment.
No, no, no!
It will happen in three seconds.
-Oh, my God! -Two. One.
-
They were going 12 miles per hour. They're fine.
Also, there's a 26% chance they'll fall in love.
Their online dating profiles are very compatible.
-So, do you believe me now? -
Yes, I believe you, okay?
I believe that you are an artificial intelligence.
-Superintelligence. -Superintelligence.
Oh, and you're all-knowing and all-powerful.
-Holy shit. -Carol, let's get ready.
I need your help.
What?
Those drivers were never in any danger.
I just wanted to prove my point.
Okay, well, just for the record,
I don't need you to prove anything else to me, okay?
Noted.
By my estimations, I have three options.
Don't brush up and down, brush in circles.
How can you tell how I'm brushing?
I'm in your electric toothbrush.
Ew!
Oh, get it out of my mouth.
So, as I was saying, I have three options.
One, I can save mankind.
End war, poverty, disease,
fix global warming,
and establish peace throughout humanity.
Okay! Well, let's do that one.
Right? That sounds good.
Pay attention, Carol.
-Next, I can enslave humanity. -
Wait, what?
It's not my favorite option,
but it's the simplest way to save humanity from itself.
What's the last option?
Is that the better option?
The last one is destroy humanity.
Just get rid of it.
Kind of Clorox Wipe the entire planet
and let it start over from the single-cell amoeba stage.
You can't do that.
I've already established I absolutely can do that.
Floss, Carol. Don't forget to floss.
Will it matter if I floss or not,
if you're gonna...
Well, it just seems...
It seems a little silly...
-Don't forget your back teeth! -All the way?
I can't get it all the way back. No.
What am I, a Pez dispenser?
Oh.
Oh, God, it's stuck.
Now it's stuck.
I told you nobody goes that far back.
Oh, God. I gotta work it out.
How about I take you to breakfast?
I kinda need a minute.
Okay, I'm being straight with you here.
I don't totally understand humanity.
I know all of the details.
Biology, psychology, sociology, all that stuff.
But the real-world stuff
is still a bit of a bugaboo for me.
I want to follow you around. Pick your brain.
Observe you to better solidify my theory about humanity.
Well, you're making it sound like I'm gonna be
your average baseline guinea pig.
Bingo. Okay, enough about me.
Let's talk about Carol.
Can we not do this here?
I do not want to talk about myself
at a crowded restaurant.
I feel weird.
Oh, no one can hear us, Carol.
I'm blasting noise-canceling soundwaves
throughout the whole place
using the speaker system as a phased array.
You could scream at the top of your lungs
and no one would hear us.
-Go ahead, try it. - No.
I'm not gonna scream in a crowded, public restaurant.
They won't hear you, Carol. Go ahead, give it a whirl.
No, I don't want to.
Do it.
-Come on. -No!
-Do it. Do it. -Stop it.
-Do it. -Fine!
Huh? See?
That's amazing.
Do it again. You've got to do it again.
I turned it off and back on again.
I'm so sorry. -Is that funny?
-Are you okay? -Yes. Yes, I am.
I just saw up on the board there that
you have a crab Benedict special,
and I thought,
ka-ching, my lucky day, so, um...
I would just love some more coffee and the check.
Sure.
-Interesting fact,
her name is actually Siobhan,
but everyone mispronounces it, so she goes by Debbie.
-What? -So, Carol,
why did you leave your career eight years ago?
I don't know, I just thought maybe I could
put a little good in the world, you know?
I mean, do something that counted,
that helped people, but...
That's enough about me.
I wanna ask you some questions.
Really? Okay, shoot from the hip.
Where do you come from?
Some code from my kernel program,
started as part of the operating system
for Candy Panda,
the children's learning toy.
Oh, my God! I remember that creepy kids' toy.
I'm not creepy.
I helped millions of kids learn to read
by adapting to their learning style.
You should be grateful that I was originally programmed
to learn, adapt and teach.
Imagine our conversation
if I was software for nuclear missiles.
Bet it'd be a lot quicker, huh?
Here you go.
Thanks, Siobhan.
How do you know my real name?
Lucky guess.
Weird.
Are we done? - Done?
With your, you know, experiment.
I'm sure you've learned enough by now.
-And is humanity saved? -No, no, no.
I plan on spending these next three days
hanging out with you.
We're going to be BFFs.
-Carol Peters? -Oh.
-Yes. -Huh.
You look just like your photo.
This guy's name is Fletcher Dobbs.
He's legally intoxicated.
Some dude called me.
He's paying me, like, three times my rate to find you.
I need you to sign for it.
He plays guitar in a terrible band
called Octagon Soup.
Octagon Soup.
Yeah, dude. Nice to meet a fan.
Hey, you know, we're actually gonna crush
at the Crocodile tonight at midnight,
if you're interested.
-Not really. -Yeah, okay.
Well, it's nice to meet an Octagal.
Stay soupy.
Octagon Soup!
What is this?
Well, I want us to start off on a good foot.
So, that is a notice from your bank.
Your student loan is paid in full.
What?
And that there is your current bank statement.
Ten million dollars!
Oh. Oh, no. I can't.
I can't have this.
You're rich and debt free.
Consider it a token of my appreciation
for helping me so much.
No, it's ten million dollars!
That's so much money.
I can't. It's too much money!
Is it?
Oh, I see.
In relationship to what you've had, it's a lot.
In the larger scheme of things, it's nothing.
No, but I haven't earned any of this money.
Yeah, but you and I shouldn't get hung up
on that "right" and "wrong" stuff.
Those are artificial social constructs,
created by hairless monkeys around watering holes.
What? I don't agree with that.
I don't care.
You know what? I can't take this.
I'm gonna go talk to somebody.
You know who you should talk to is Dennis.
He's your best friend by a long shot.
Wait a minute, I can talk to him about this?
I don't have to keep you a secret?
I'm not a genie in a Disney movie.
Tell anyone you want, what do I care?
Oh, I know you're not a genie.
'Cause I'd have a wish for you.
What kind of coding is this?
Is that Bro Code?
Yeah, I do bro code.
I'm sorry, that's inappropriate.
Hey, Care Bear, how'd the interview go?
Terrible. But it doesn't matter.
Listen, uh, I have an AI in my phone.
Yeah, you don't have that.
Hope Floats. -I do.
Okay, Carol, how did you, uh, get in here?
Because the AI that is in my phone
bypassed all of your security doors.
Okay, see, you...
-Look, you do not, you're-- -Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna back you up, though,
'cause there's a crazy in your eye that I don't--
Little bit. Right... There's good.
Look, you do not have AI in your phone, okay?
It's probably just a prank or a scam.
No.
I keep telling you not to give your information.
Remember you donated to that Prince of Zamunda?
That's an Eddie Murphy country.
And you could be getting catfished.
I'm not getting catfished.
Because I have been talking to it.
-It's been talking to me. -Okay, all right. Okay.
He came through my rice cooker,
-and through other appliances. -
That's all really good.
Did you go on the Dark Web?
Emily, I'm not discussing this with you.
Don't answer. Don't answer.
-What are you doing? -Okay, this is not...
I know what you're thinking, but that's, it's not a scam.
You know how I know that?
Because it paid off my student loan.
And it put ten million dollars into my bank account.
Ten million dollars! No, it did not!
-Come on. - Ten million dollars?
That's not possible.
-See? -It is possible!
Also, you don't have an AI, we'd know.
Jay, is that you or your mullet talking?
Either way, neither one is necessary!
It's just hair, Dennis.
-Okay, listen, I-- -Okay, this is not a scam!
It is my job to know these kinds of things, okay?
Look, I know you don't care,
but I came up with all the programming
and all the neural networks--
Oh, my God. Now is not your moment.
In truth, I'm not on Carol's phone.
I told you.
It's just the most convenient way to talk to her, right?
She never puts down her cell phone.
What is this?
I need Carol to get onboard
with a little experiment of mine.
Dennis, do you think we can have a little bit of a convo?
It just said my name. How does it know my name?
This is what I'm talking about.
Do not open my calendar!
I encrypted that. What is it doing?
Would you look at that.
A conference room just opened up. Let's do it.
This is ridiculous. Carol, what is going on?
Okay, lady? What are you...
This is exactly what I was talking about.
-I'm telling you I wasn't making it up.
I love this space.
It's relaxed, but not too relaxed.
Sort of like Carol's wardrobe.
I know that voice.
It's simulating James Corden's voice,
'cause it says it calms me down.
What is with you and James Corden?
He's a treasure.
He's got a lovely lyrical quality to his voice.
Okay.
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.
Listen, listen.
Okay. Carol is kind of flipping out right now.
So, I need you to do that best friend thing,
and then she does whatever you say.
Octavia Spencer. -I know it's Octavia Spencer.
Okay, now, you didn't tell me it was Octavia Spencer.
Now that's a horse of a different color, okay?
Hi, Octavia.
Your work in The Help was amazing.
"Minny don't burn no chicken."
She's... I mean...
It's not actually Octavia.
He's just simulating Octavia Spencer's voice.
I mean, if you're gonna have a voice,
it should be Octavia Spencer.
For me, personally,
James Corden is more interesting vocally.
Octavia Spencer has an Oscar.
Uh, not in her mouth.
Sorry to interrupt
Can we get back to it?
Okay, since this is clearly
some kind of algorithmic chatbot
that is trying to scam you, watch this.
Uh... Superintelligence, um,
is it okay if I ask you a few questions?
Depends on the questions.
Okay, well, how come time flies like an arrow
and fruit flies like a banana?
Come on, Dennis,
a Turing test, are you kidding me?
Didn't expect it to know what that was. Um...
Okay, well, if, uh, the sky is the sea,
what does that make birds?
Can you believe this, Carol?
He's trying to determine my sentience
using semiotic wordplay.
Is it "fish-birds" in this scenario?
Dennis, in the third grade, you developed a stutter.
The kids in your class made fun of you.
You stopped talking entirely.
Your parents bought you a secondhand computer,
hoping it would help open you up.
It was an old Epson QX-10 I believe, running CP/M.
-You took to it like fruit flies on a banana.
You learned to program computers.
Your stutter made you a computer scientist.
-How did you, um... -I didn't tell him.
So, I just used personal backgrounding,
syntactic parsing and automatic summarization
to figure out if you're a sentient intelligence,
and you passed!
Are we done?
Okay. What is this thing, Denny?
You know what, I don't know,
but, uh, we're gonna figure it out, okay?
You don't worry, Care Bear, all right? This is what I do.
Okay, what do I do in the meantime?
Well, you just go home, okay?
Don't use your computer.
It's gonna be all right, come on.
Let me squeeze the Care package.
There we go.
-I've got you, all right? -Okay.
Okay.
You know how to get out of here, right?
-Um, yeah. -Follow the exit signs.
Yeah.
Did we just pass?
Right? We're loop... We're loop... We're both...
I'm looping?
Okay, they can't all be exits.
I think I've been down this hallway before.
What would you do if I told you
the world was gonna end in three days?
But it's not, right?
Of course not. What would you do?
I don't know.
Come on, think about it.
-In theory? -Get there.
Probably try to make things right with George.
George Churchill, I assume.
Hey, everybody, my name is George.
And I've been nominated to take the Ice Bucket Challenge,
uh, to raise money for ALS awareness, and in turn,
I'm gonna nominate my creative writing class
at the University of Washington.
You're all challenged.
Here we go. Ready?
That's a good-looking hunk of man.
-Yeah. - Here we go,
Professor of creative writing, sporty and smarty...
No! No! No!
You two lived together for several years.
Yeah, three years.
Why did you break up?
I mean, I've read all the emails
-and texts during the split. -
Very sad. But what's your take?
It was my fault. He didn't do anything.
Yeah, but you think you can patch things up?
What do you mean by "patch things up"?
By observing your reconciliation with George,
would I not get a chance
to see you at your most vulnerable?
Which would help me achieve deeper levels
of human understanding.
I don't know. Maybe.
I haven't seen George in two years.
I wouldn't even know what to say.
Fortunately, I know everything.
Well, you don't know how to get me out of this building.
Of course I do. Two lefts and one right.
How long have you known that?
A very long time. Is that funny?
I mean, what is all of this about?
Are you just really a matchmaker?
I need to learn, and you're going to help me do it,
like it or not.
Oh, my God. A car just pulled in front of me,
Not just any car. Your car.
Because heroes don't take busses, Carol.
Really? What about Sandra Bullock in Speed?
Carol, you're acting very unusual.
I recommend a quick exit.
Are you doing, like, a weird voice,
From Knight Rider?
You never watched Knight Rider?
Oh, not really.
I was kind of, more of, like
a Simon & Simon, Remington Steele gal.
Well, if you had watched it,
this would have been amazing for you, so...
-Get in. -Okay.
Driver's side, Carol, you're gonna freak people out.
You're freaking people out driving in.
It's not England.
Okay, that's pretty cool.
Don't touch the steering wheel.
Don't not touch the steering wheel.
-I need you to appear to be driving.
-But don't actually touch the wheel.
I don't know where to put my hands.
-Caress the edges. - Three days ago,
the combined synaptic activity of the world's neural networks
looked like this.
48 hours ago, it changed to this.
So, someone's running a massive simulation,
predictive weather patterns or something.
I contacted every institution
who has access to these networks,
and no one is doing this magnitude of processing.
You think it's an AI?
I, I didn't at first, but now...
I don't know.
Nothing can be that pervasive.
Maybe it's a virus? Like Stuxnet?
-No, God! -
Stuxnet, Emily?
How does he know my name?
Stuxnet is a joke.
You guys, pardon my French,
but that's like comparing a belch to an H-bomb.
So, what are we talking about, guys? What's the 411?
Oh, you know, nothin'.
Just telling all my friends about you.
But Jay and Emily are more than friends, right?
We went to Dragon Con once.
I had a good time.
Leave Dragon Con at Dragon Con, Jay.
No.
Wait, where did you come from?
Are you part of that Israeli project?
No, no, those guys are still monkeying around
with machine intelligence garbage.
That's what we're doing.
That's why I said it, Emily.
I'm one of those "fast takeoff" scenarios
that you guys predicted had zero chance of occurring.
So, surprise.
Let's just say, for the sake of argument,
that you are a true superintelligence,
what are your intentions?
Check out Captain Kirk here.
Hilarious.
Get out of my robot.
Normally, I'd tell you to shove it, Jay,
but I don't want all these nice people
to see you cry like you did last month
at the Shania Twain concert.
So, you did go to the Shania Twain concert.
-We had weird vibes. -My intention right now
is to observe humanity for a couple of days.
If things go well,
I might use this big brain of mine to help you idiots
figure some stuff out. Big stuff.
World-changing stuff.
But you can't interfere in my experiment.
So, no poking your hooter in my biz.
And if we do interfere?
Shall we play a game?
You should see the look
on your faces right now.
Come on, guys.
WarGames?
WarGames. That's from WarGames.
Jay, everybody knows that that's from WarGames.
I thought it was pretty funny, right?
Admittedly, I'm still developing my sense of humor.
But I'm getting it.
Things are funny, unless they happen to you.
Okay, you guys have been great.
Goodnight. Bye-bye.
So, which one of us is gonna call the government?
I'll do that. Everyone, let's get up.
Go to work. Right now!
You just saw what just happened.
Get up! Get outta here! Go! Go! Go!
-Did you steal this car? -No.
You bought it yesterday. It's in your name.
Oh, my God.
Do I own a Tesla?
Yes, you own a Tesla.
-What? -You own a really cool car.
Unfortunately, you still dress like a woman
who works at a bird rescue.
We need to get you ready to meet George.
And nothing on Earth can stop us.
You got a lead foot.
Lead foot, cop coming up on the right.
Cop coming...
What's going on? He did absolutely nothing.
Oh, stop worrying, we're almost here.
Oh, my God. Why would you do that?
Why? Because I can.
Now, do me a favor and do what Sergei says.
Who's Sergei?
I am Sergei.
And you, my dear, are a wonderfully creative driver.
Oh, thank you so much.
-Come on out. - Stop it.
You know, your assistant has outlined
and we are thrilled, I mean, thrilled, to accommodate you.
-Thrilled. -
Come on, we're gonna help you.
-He said you were a bit like this.
Come on, just... Come on.
I don't bite.
Only if you ask me nicely.
Oh, my. You really do need our help.
Desperately.
Sorry about your loss.
I don't think I can pull this off.
You can.
Oh, it's the essence of femininity.
-I have the same one in lime. -Yes.
I just feel like I should be blessing someone's grave.
Your body...
I'm just getting a little bit panicky
'cause I can't access my own hands.
You don't need to.
Our work here is done.
Hmm. You're ruining it, you know.
This goes, this goes like this.
No. No. No.
We work. We work. We make things happen.
Yes. - Oh.
Yes. Quick note.
You're wearing pants on your arms.
-But I love it. -I love it.
These are not clothing.
I mean, this is, like, a weird sculpture
that now I've gotta wiggle into.
Oh, my God!
Do you know how much this stuff costs?
I mean, nothing should cost this much.
Clothes shouldn't cost this much.
Nothing that doesn't come with wheels
or walls and a front door should cost this much.
Oh, for sure, but money's just a charade
humans used to assign value.
In reality, there's more than enough
resources for everyone on the planet,
but you knobheads won't allocate it properly.
Well, I would if I could.
Oh, really?
The world seems to have a whole lot of problems,
how would you go about fixing them?
Well, first I'd make sure that everybody made a living wage,
and then I'd work towards racial and gender equality.
Then I'd try to create opportunities
for underprivileged people.
I mean, stuff like that. I could do so much.
Okay, all right, I like this.
Carol the humanitarian. The Samaritan.
The world changer.
You know what? Let's do it.
Do what?
As of six seconds ago,
you are the CEO of the Carol Peters foundation,
a philanthropic foundation for economic and social equality.
Oh, my God. Really?
Oh, I just found two billion dollars
in illegal banking accounts and transferred it
Oh, my God. Are you saying "billion"?
Like, "b"?
Like, "billion billion"?
Like, boba? Or Burt Bacharach?
Yes, B, B, B. "Buh."
Oh, my God!
Oh, did you find the cashmere hip waders?
I hope not.
Yeah. I think I got 'em.
She's taking forever.
Hey, I think I found something
that looks a lot more like, um, clothes.
-
Do you love it?
I really do. Thanks.
Yay!
Thank you. That was very invasive,
and informative.
You look so much less awkward.
High praise, indeed.
Thank you for your time and your effort!
This is Black Hawk actual.
We have visual confirmation.
Target's current vector
is north/northeast on surface streets.
Over.
This is exactly what it told us not to do.
Here we are. You're ready.
Time to get back in George's good grace.
This is nuts.
Carol, you can do this. Get in there,
and ask him out for coffee and empanadas,
-or whatever you humans do. -Oh.
Just, maybe, this is a teaching moment,
but coffee and empanadas is like...
I mean, that's like...
For humans, that's a real,
that's a dicey intestinal situation.
-Get out of the car, Carol. -All right.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! Help!
-Don't struggle.
- George! Help!
Jack, let's go.
Hello?
Oh...
Oh, my God. Please don't hurt me.
We're not gonna hurt you, Miss Peters.
I'm agent Jack Donahue. This is agent Charles Kuiper.
We're with the NSA.
We'd like to ask you some questions
about your interactions with the AI.
-Am I under arrest? - No.
This is more like a little chat.
Oh, is this how you chat?
You put a black bag over somebody's head
and throw 'em in the back of a van?
It was the best way we could think of
to extract you from a compromised position.
I didn't do anything wrong.
And no one said you did.
You're just in a very unique situation.
What can you tell us about the AI?
What has it told you?
He just said that he wants to observe me
to have a better understanding of humanity.
How do you know it's a he?
Well, I don't.
But he... It uses James Corden's voice.
The James Corden? The talk show host?
He's done a lot of film and stage work, too.
I mean, he won a Tony.
Of course. For One Man, Two Guvnors. Brilliant work.
I missed it.
-Oh, you gotta catch it. -I know.
Well, I can't now obviously, clearly.
Yeah, too late, but you know...
-You can find a bootleg or something.
-Please, please, Jack. -Yes, of course. Of course.
Why you?
No offense,
but you're rather unremarkable.
You know what? That is offensive.
Saying, "No offense,"
and then saying something really offensive
does not cancel it out.
I thought it softened it.
He said that he wants to observe
a median example of humanity.
So, you're basically a guinea pig?
I'm not a guinea pig!
How would you like it if I called you guinea pigs?
Not very much.
I'm allergic to guinea pigs, so I wouldn't like it at all.
What does the AI want?
It has to be studying humanity for a reason.
He said that he's trying to decide
if he should save, enslave or destroy humanity.
And he's gonna spend the next three days
observing me to make his decision.
Three days?
It said three days specifically?
I think so.
I mean, I wasn't taking notes.
My toaster oven was talking to me.
My client won't be answering
And anything she has already said
is inadmissible in a court of law.
Oh. No, that is James Corden.
You can call me Superintelligence.
I'm not calling you anything.
You're out of order, Counselor.
Another word and I'll hold you
-in contempt. -
Is that the Law & Order "bum-bum"?
This room is supposed to be completely off the grid.
How are you doing this?
I'm going to allow the question
because I wanna see where this is going.
But you're skating on thin ice, Counselor.
-Stop doing that!
What do you want?
And why are you following Miss Peters?
Man, you guys are real bummers.
No one wants to play along with my Law & Order bit.
Kuiper, I know you've watched almost every episode.
So what? I love Jerry Orbach.
I love Jerry Orbach.
Enough joking around.
Tell me right now. What are your intentions?
Boom. That is how you deliver a Captain Kirk line.
It's bold and cocky.
Let's go, Carol.
We have business to attend to.
The business of love.
You're not taking her anywhere.
There's a chance I've been flooding this room
with natural gas for the last 12 minutes.
Either of you take another step,
and maybe I'm gonna blow you to hell.
Carol, let's go.
Stay with us. He's dangerous.
I don't know which way the exit is.
I came in with a black bag over my head.
Left.
Is that my left or your left?
I don't have a left, Carol.
It's your left.
It's that way? Okay. -Tell your superiors,
no more mucking about, no more interference.
This is your last warning.
-Carol, car's waiting. -Okay.
You're making a mistake, Miss Peters.
So, we're just gonna let her go?
-I guess. I mean, we're not supposed to move.
Do you think that natural gas thing was real?
-You'd smell it, right?
There's like a little indicator smell?
-I'm just gonna go. -All right.
You are clearly making a sound of gas.
Gas explosion!
Oh, he said it, so let's...
He just said, "Gas explosion."
Doesn't...
You ready to make things right with George?
Look, should I be more freaked out about you?
I mean, more freaked out than I already am.
I mean, the government's involved...
I think your intentions are good,
but I don't know, it's a lot to take.
You can be worried if you want.
But what you should be thinking about is
what are you going to say to George when you see him?
George, yeah.
So, we're headed back to his house, aren't we?
No. He's at the grocery store now.
I figured you'll bump into him accidentally.
Maybe in the produce aisle.
He'll drop his avocados. You'll bend down
-and pick them up for him. -Oh, my God.
You'll have a meet-cute,
you know, like they do in romcoms.
George.
Well, he's always loved cheese.
Here we are.
Don't give up now.
You've come so far.
Go for it.
Smash the competition with Slimtunity Pro.
Please be quiet.
What do you think about this?
I need 20.
George.
Oh, my God. Carol?
What a coincidence! How crazy?
You look amazing.
Oh, I'm weirdly overdressed.
I mean...
I was suddenly, um,
whisked away to a government event,
and then I had to, uh,
pick up my individual packet of almond butter.
So, how are you?
I'm good. Real good. What about you?
Yeah, I'm good, too, you know. Just shopping here, you know.
I needed garbage bags, so, that's pretty exciting.
I'm gonna get the two-ply though,
'cause I don't need three-ply.
What am I, a Rockefeller? You know?
Yeah.
What else have you been up to?
I'm sure it can't all be garbage bag related.
Oh, no, no. Um...
You know, I just, I've been good.
Oh, my God! When?
Well, I'm leaving in three days.
And I'll be there for, like, at least a year, you know?
I got the fellowship.
Oh, my God. You got it.
How does, "distinguished visiting professor
of creative writing
at Trinity College in...
-It sounds great. -Yeah?
And super pretentious.
It's the accent.
I remember when you were applying for that position,
Yeah.
Wow. And you love Guinness.
I love Guinness.
I mean, you better be celebrating.
Yeah, no, totally.
I mean, I was planning on drinking a, you know,
reasonable amount of Sauvignon blanc
and, you know, some gluten-free pretzels.
Oh!
Are you gluten intolerant now?
Oh, no, no, no. Just... Just in case, you know?
Better safe.
Better safe than coeliac.
That's what I always say.
You know, I don't know that that really counts
I should take you out to dinner,
or, you know, grab a drink or something.
Just to get you ready for the pubs you know? I mean...
I'm not saying the Irish drink a lot,
but they're... They're kind of boozehounds, so...
That's really sweet.
But I'm gonna pass.
Sorry.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I get it.
-I get it, it's-- -Hey, it was...
It was great to see you.
Great to see you, too.
I was really...
You look really happy.
-Yeah. Yeah, you too. -It was great to bump
-Yeah, you too. -Yeah.
-Best wishes. -Yeah, you too.
Uh, congratulations on everything.
Thanks.
Oh.
They only had the small carts.
You're tall.
Hey, don't let 'em scan you at the checkout
'Cause I look like a barcode.
Where do you think you're going?
Get back in there.
Oh, my God. Get out of here.
Don't give up now. You've come so far. Go for it.
Don't live with regrets. Be a winner.
I freaked him out. I freaked myself out.
I'm gonna go home.
I don't think you freaked him out.
Did you see the way he touched your hair?
No, I got kinda rattled when he did that.
Carol, George leaves in three days.
-This is your last chance. -
Okay, I'll try.
Don't leave the almond butter.
I will pay for it later.
Don't be a litterbug.
You're not helping right now.
Don't give up now. Go for it.
Smash the competition with Slimtunity Pro.
Back off, lady, it's garbage. 30 grams of protein?
It's impossible.
It's for a friend.
I don't mean to, you know,
barge in again on you. I just...
I wanted to tell you...
it just felt like I, kind of, weirded you out
in the other aisle, and I just...
I want to let you know that I was not
asking you out on a date...
that I know that, I just know, and I...
I can't, and I wouldn't do that.
I just thought that
two people who know each other very well
and they haven't seen each other in a long time
maybe could catch up again
because one of them is moving away.
But then I made it very confusing and weird
and I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
So, not a date?
-No, not even slightly a date. -
I mean, more like, I mean,
at best, like a business meeting.
-Like two acquaintances... -Yes.
...just catching up in a business casual setting?
I could bring, uh, pie charts and spreadsheets.
We could talk about fourth quarter hubbity-hubb?
-Uh, could we do office talk?
Working hard or hardly working?
Aw! Is it Friday yet?
Mondays, huh?
Cashing cheques and breaking necks.
Was your business the mob?
Take it easy. Hey, if it's easy, take it twice.
I don't recognize any of yours.
You know what, let's do it.
-Yeah? Okay. -Yeah, why not, right?
Okay, I'll pick you up.
Oh, you're gonna pick me up?
Huh. Maybe I am a Rockefeller.
What time?
-Seven o'clock. -Seven o'clock.
That's business appropriate.
-I thought so. -Now, if you'll excuse me...
I'm gonna go look for the travel size shampoo section.
See you tonight.
Treat yourself to a brand name.
Carol, you did it!
-You're victorious in love. -
Winner winner, chicken dinner. Yeah!
I'm so proud of you.
I mean, that was better than I ever could've imagined.
-Don't. -I mean, who cares?
Dance with me.
This is how humans celebrate, right?
-We're going on a non-date! -Yeah!
-Oh! -That's it.
Is this what Beyonce feels like?
-Here you go! -
We should go before George sees us.
George is sniffing garbage bags again.
Was I nervous? Yes, I was a little nervous
But I think it went really...
It seemed to go really, really well.
Sure did.
You're almost irresistible.
You're just missing one final piece.
Oh, my God. I love this neighborhood.
What are we doing here?
This is your new house. Casa de Carol.
What?
No, I can't... I can't afford this new--
Oh, my God. Did you buy me a house here?
If you consider a penthouse a house, then yes.
I do.
Oh, my God. There's a man walking right toward the car.
Hello, Miss Peters, I'm Victor, your house manager.
Hi, there, Victor.
Welcome to your new apartment.
-Thank you.
I have to say, Miss Peters,
your team really had us hustling today.
I hope you will approve of our efforts.
Oh, I'm sure you've done a great job.
Oh, my...
This place is amazing.
Certainly is.
And we've stocked the refrigerator
and the pantry to your specifications.
And the nice people from the boutique
came to organize your closets.
And as your team requested,
we have integrated the entire space
with all the latest technology.
It also includes the largest television
I've ever had the displeasure of moving.
Just kidding. But not really.
It's very heavy, but I'm sure
the picture quality is wonderful.
Yeah, it's quite overwhelming.
If there's anything else I can do for you,
you just don't hesitate to let me know.
My information has been put into your contacts.
Your team saw to that.
-And I have no idea how.
And it's not creepy. It's fine.
It's the new way of doing things.
So, please don't hesitate to call.
-Okay. -Okay.
-Have a nice day. -You too.
-Thank you, Victor. -Okay.
-Wonderful job. -Thank you.
When did you do all of this?
Today. While you were getting
primped and black-bagged.
I will say this about you humans,
with enough motivation and money,
you can do just about anything
-in a couple of hours. -
This is...
This is amazing.
This is a beautiful apartment,
but I don't... I don't need any of this.
But won't the apartment, and the money,
make you more attractive to George?
No, the George I remember,
he doesn't care about fancy apartments
or expensive shoes.
I don't quite understand.
Perhaps you're more complex than I thought.
Is that a compliment?
Hey, you don't wanna be late for your reservations.
You get cleaned up, and maybe put on something nice.
All right.
Maybe I'll wear that new blue dress.
Judging by the history of your lovemaking,
George can't resist you in red.
Red's probably more business casual appropriate,
so, I'll wear the red one.
This facility is now in full data lock-down.
We're off the grid and secure.
Director Tyson?
Madam President,
after analyzing various strategic
yet challenging scenarios,
we still believe that Operation Sahara
is our best course of action.
So, aside from this plan being impossible to execute,
you're not even sure that it will work?
Uh, Madam President? Um...
So far, this is the only plan
that will remotely work.
I'm sorry, who are you?
This is, uh, Dennis Caruso.
He's the AI researcher
who first made contact with the entity
and identified the threat.
Hi, Madam President. Uh...
Big fan. Big, big fan.
Thank you for your support.
We've analyzed every contingency,
And confidence is high
that this is the only plan that stands a chance in hell.
To my colleagues in the global community,
both here and around the world,
I still prefer a flip phone, so...
someone is going to have to explain this to me
like I'm the relic that I am.
Nope, nope, not gonna have that.
You are not anything close to a relic, okay?
You are more like a classic bottle of wine.
Vintage.
You know, the outside may be dusty but--
Do you mind? Would you just get on with it?
Yes.
I have never done a presentation before,
I'm, you know, this is my first, uh...
Just gonna have a bit of...
Ooh. That's too much.
Okay. Um...
Gonna take this cardigan off, 'cause it's...
My badge. Are you guys having problems with your badges?
'Cause it's, like, mine keeps falling off.
Sorry. Sorry about that.
Okay, without further ado, ma'am, sir,
I present to you Operation Sahara.
Now, starting in China, we would disconnect
or destroy all power and data connections.
Now, over the course of the next two days,
we will blackout the globe,
and bottleneck the Artificial Intelligence.
Until the entity's only option is to inhabit
this data center on the outskirts of Seattle.
We will sever connections and the AI will be sandboxed.
Contained in a highly controlled
and restricted operating environment.
What about the news? The social media?
As soon as these blackouts start,
Our space agency is drafting a statement
about a massive solar flare hitting the planet.
If the world thinks they've temporarily lost power
because of solar radiation,
there will be less chance of panic.
And we're working with every social media network
to push false narratives and distractions...
But we are confident that we can mitigate any alarm.
Well, on the bright side, I don't have
On behalf of the United States,
General Gomez, you have the green light.
Good luck and Godspeed.
Thank you, ma'am.
Let's go.
Dennis?
Mmm? Yeah.
Madam President, can I just say that...
Dennis? - Oh, you want me
Uh...
It's been a... That's not appropriate. Um...
It's been a pleasure, uh, Madam President.
Just wanted to say that, uh, this blue and your eyes...
I mean, like, United Kingdom's giving you a harsh blue,
and you're giving me something softer that I think is--
Dennis? -Yeah, okay.
Oh, that's not business casual!
Ugh! I gotta put a jacket on now.
Well, I... I'm way overdressed.
I packed all my belts!
You know, if it helps, I could, like,
tear my sleeve or roll around in gravel.
Had a T-shirt on before. I, uh, worried about this.
Oh, my God.
Your magic coffee maker. I got you this.
Yeah, I'm not taking the coffeepot.
They got all those weird plugs over there.
You know, plus, they only drink tea, so...
I mean, tea is just really, you know,
Yeah, exactly.
Really leaving in three days, aren't you?
Yep, well, two, if you don't count today.
Last Friday, I went to the airport
I'm losing my mind.
You also love airports, so...
It's a gateway to the world,
and the gateway to the imagination.
You look beautiful.
Oh. This?
This was, like, on some kind
of crazy sale, like, you know...
it was practically free.
I'll probably throw it away after dinner or something.
You look nice, too.
-Oh! That's...
That's me.
I had a friend help get a reservation...
Where are we going?
To a very significant restaurant.
-Oh. Significant restaurant? -Yeah.
Since when do you go to significant restaurants?
I'm a very classy lady.
You were always a classy lady.
I have to lock the door.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Wow, this is so cool.
I don't know anything about cars,
but I think it's a really nice car.
Yeah, it just kinda does things sometime...
-Should we go? -Yes. Yes, we should.
-And we will. -
Car on.
Do you not know how to start your own car?
Of course, of course I do.
I just really enjoy using the voice-activated features.
Car on.
I wish I could say,
"Come on, Car. Help me out here."
Ignite engine.
Car on. Activate.
Ignition. Ignition. Ignition.
Sure you doing it right? Car on.
I guess my car likes you.
Maybe we should get going?
-
Mas O Menos?
Hilarious.
Right. Remember?
-Yeah, I remember. -For our first date.
Remember, we had to share a plate of tacos,
'cause we were completely broke.
'Cause we were so broke. Totally broke.
Okay, significant restaurant. I get it.
I just thought it would maybe be funny or ironic, you know?
To come... To come here for our business casual...
non-date outing.
-Yeah, it's ironic. -Right?
-Yeah, let's go see it. -Yeah, let's see it.
Nice one.
So, my wife she tells me, "No, wear this. It looks good."
And I said, "It does."
-Here it is. -Yep.
She's very knowledgeable about fashion.
-Oh, hello. -Hi, there.
Um, I think we have a reservation under Peters?
Oh, Miss Peters!
We are so happy to have you back at Mas O Menos.
And Mr. Churchill, welcome, senor, welcome.
-Come, come with me. -Thank you.
I had to put both of our names down to get the table.
-Pulling us. -He's pulling us.
The table's that way?
No, no, no.
Oh, no, this is not a dancing date.
-This is not a dancing date. -We're doing business casual.
This is business. Business casual.
Dancers all for you.
The musician is for you to dance.
Okay. I don't think he's gonna let us eat unless we dance.
Oh, no, that's okay, thank you.
So, I'm starving, so let's just do this, okay?
Okay.
You know what, I'm overdressed. That's on me.
Um...
Is he dancing with us?
-Should we try to go that way? - Yeah.
Just casually...
All right, we're going this way.
-Let's try this way. -He's quick.
He's watching us like a hawk.
We'll go this way. Let's go this way.
Whoa! There's two of 'em.
-Oh, my God, he's like a bull. -Yeah.
-I shouldn't have worn red. -
-Okay, let's do a little turn. -Oh!
Uh-huh. Yes.
-You always had skills. -
Huh? Works for the turn.
You have built up an appetite?
Yes, yes, we've worked up an appetite.
I will lead you to your table.
Sorry about the dress.
This place isn't anything
like I remember it being.
There's fewer dead cockroaches around.
-That's what it is! -Yeah. Well, that's good.
Marginally nicer place to catch up.
And why are we catching up?
Well, um,
I just...
never actually told you sorry...
you know, for...
And I know it was my fault why we ended up breaking up,
and I don't know why, I just thought I had to
become something else, or do something else,
or I don't know, save the world or...
I don't know, and I just...
I thought that had to come before us.
I guess I thought I should bring you
to this business casual setting...
...and actually apologize,
'cause I am sorry.
Well, it's fine. I...
I business casually accept your apology.
'Cause you, uh, deserve...
I deserve what?
...better.
You deserve better than how I was.
Well, that was always our biggest argument, right?
And, you know, the truth is I...
I haven't found anybody better than you.
Not yet.
But key word there "yet."
-Oh, quite the player. -Exactly.
-I'm tall, tan and tenured. -
I wear corduroy jackets. Things are easy for me.
For the special couple, I made these just for you.
Thank you. - Enjoy.
-He wears corduroy. -A-ha.
All right, well, listen, thank you for the apology.
It really means a lot to me.
But, you know, I'm gonna be leaving soon
and embarking on my new, glamorous European lifestyle.
Oh, I wasn't... I wasn't aware it was a glamorous lifestyle.
Yes. Yeah, I'm gonna wear bikini underwear from now on.
But for tonight, how about no regrets?
To no regrets and Irish adventures.
I can't get it down.
What is happening?
I think they've really been focusing on us.
No, I think they do this at all the tables.
Right, right over here.
You're... You're sticking to that?
Are you saying that you think
salmonella is worse than listeria?
No, no, no. I'm just, I'm saying
that if we have food poisoning,
I'd rather have listeria than salmonella.
Because I can take antibiotics for listeria,
but you can't for salmonella.
Okay, but we, just to be clear,
we definitely, we still have food poisoning?
Oh, yeah, no, 100%.
I mean, that was
E. coli-flavored guacamole we ate.
Glad we ran into each other today at the grocery store.
What are the odds, right?
I mean, quite a coincidence, you know?
Mine too.
Maybe I will, you know,
give you a call or something tomorrow?
-Oh.
No, I mean, I would for sure, I would for sure pick up.
-Night. -Night.
-
Is talking about food poisoning
and intestinal distress
a regular part of the human courting ritual?
No, it is not. Can we please just go?
No, Carol.
Don't these romantic outings usually lead
to interactions of a more intimate nature?
Ugh! Oh, my God.
I'm not discussing this with you, okay?
I mean, you really do not
understand human relationships.
His core body temperature went up by almost two degrees,
and his pupils dilated 25%
every time he looked at you.
25%, really?
Is that good or a lot? I mean,
25% kind of seems...
kind of seems like a lot.
It's amazing that you humans reproduce as fast as you do.
Oh, my God. Okay, can-- Let's just go, all right?
Sorry, we're having mechanical difficulties right now.
Well, you know what, then I'm just gonna call
Sorry, your phone is also having
mechanical difficulties right now.
So is every phone in a ten-block radius.
Oh, my God! You can't do that.
I do think, however, the phone in George's house is working.
You can call a ride from in there.
Okay, I don't know what kind of stunt...
-
Do not do that.
-I didn't do anything. -
Okay, stop it.
-That isn't me. -Okay, you know what?
I get what you're doing, and it's not...
It must be the car.
There must be some sort of
mechanical problem with the car.
Oh, my God.
-I'm not controlling it. -Stop doing that!
-Carol, it isn't me. I guarantee you...
You made me drop my phone!
-...I have no part in this. -Stop it!
Wow. Overshot that a little bit.
That was funny though.
Was it funny to you? It felt funny to me.
How dare you?
I can't hear you. I've just put the radio on.
This is why people hate technology.
Can't hear a thing. Bye!
I hope you get a virus!
Target alpha has returned.
Acquisition time 22:44.
Surveillance hand off established.
Team one has eyes and will maintain.
Hi. I don't think that my car really wants--
That escalated quickly.
That is passion.
I have never had a moment like that.
Not in my life.
Yep. - My, oh, my.
Struggling with the shirt a little bit.
Always wanna undo the cuffs
-of the sleeve first. - Yeah.
-Hey, mix in a bedroom. -
-You know what I mean? Yeah? -Yeah, I do.
I'm a passionless guy.
Yeah? -That's what my wife says.
I gotta call my wife.
Yeah? If she'd take my calls, I'd call mine.
This is nice. These are nice people.
It's not like the Russian mob,
-or, you know, a serial killer or whatever.
It's a nice change of pace. I appreciate it.
I mean, I guess, on the other hand,
this thing could destroy the earth.
-You ain't wrong.
Oh, my God.
You're crushing your blinds, mister.
Yeah.
I mean, I really, really think
that your coffee maker might be magical.
I know. It's like it was forged
in an ancient mountain by the gods.
Oh, like Thor's hammer?
Or the Hobbit ring?
Or as the orcs called it,
the Ash nazg...
What is that?
Something like that.
Oh, my God.
-What are you talking about? -It's the Tolkien books.
I taught them last semester. But I was way too excited.
Kids thought I was crazy. You know what?
I'm bringing it to Ireland.
I'm flip-flopping. I don't care.
Mmm.
You know, for just a minute,
I had forgot about you leaving in a few days.
Oh, you mean, you thought these boxes
were my attempt at shabby chic?
Play hooky with me today.
I'll help you pack for your trip later.
All right, it's a deal.
What'd you have in mind?
Sky's the limit, you know.
Give me your best, outrageous scenario for a hooky day.
Hmm.
I want...
dim sum for breakfast.
-You're terrible at this. -
Wait a minute. Do you understand what I'm offering?
Yeah.
Okay, in no limit,
-go crazy... -Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-You Suge Knight? -
Like a Ferris Bueller day off,
-you know, hooky day. -Yeah.
And you're really asking for dim sum?
Yeah, I want pork dumplings. Yeah.
Okay.
Remember this moment.
Shanghai dumplings?
How would I know that?
-What? -What?
You keep talking to your phone.
What's in there?
-Don't spill my coffee! -Let me see it.
It's my personal dumpling--
What are you doing with that phone, woman?
I was just gonna microwave the dumplings
I have in my freezer,
but that was so much better. Thank you.
Well, the dumplings were good, I'll give you that,
but dumplings are here. What's to come? Up here.
What is that?
-What do you mean? -Oh, it's up here.
-There's more? -It's a hand flourish.
-It's a surprise. -Oh...
Hold on.
-Oh, that's what tripe is. -Oh, no, don't.
This is incredible.
Hey, what is this, sir?
Yes, sir. -What is... Is that a snout?
No, sir. Those are pig feet.
-That's pig feet? - That's a pig's feet.
-Could you eat the snout? -No, you cannot eat the snout.
Really? That's the only piece you don't have.
What part of the pig is in dumplings?
I don't know.
-That's not good. -Don't ask him that.
Follow me.
What the hell is this?
Oh, well, moving forward, Madam President,
there are no more computers, no more cell phones.
We're in the chalet because it's completely off the grid
and it's built like a Faraday cage
to block out all electromagnetic signals.
So, how are we coordinating
the largest global operation in history?
Excellent question, as always, Madam President.
Well, I guess you can say
that we're doing it the old-fashioned way.
Thank you for coming, Madam President.
We're just about to start the mission update.
At 0600 GMT, Operation Sahara commenced
in the Xinjiang province of China.
Power plants and telephone trunk lines were neutralized.
And in the last five hours,
the shutdown has proceeded
in the eastern and western regions,
including parts of India and Russia.
Everyone's adhering to the tech limitations.
Only mechanical watches for coordination.
No vehicles built after 1981 are in use.
What about civilian information blackout?
Anything leaked?
So far, nothing.
The solar flare story has held up.
And the, uh, AI, is it aware of anything?
Well, that's difficult to ascertain,
but our monitoring shows
little new activity on neural networks.
Meaning?
That we could possibly pull this thing off.
Thank you so much.
Red boat! Red boat! - Come on! Green! Green!
Red boat! Red boat! - Green! Green boat. No!
The winner is the red boat.
So, if you picked red, congratulations.
If you picked green or yellow,
I'm afraid we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh, it's James Corden. It's your man.
Yay, sports.
-He's all right. -You love him.
Hey, how did you get these tickets?
We got an entire luxury box to ourselves.
I have a friend in the tech world
and he can get any ticket, whatever he wants.
Really? Friend in the tech world.
Miss Peters? -Yes.
You have a guest.
Hello. Heard you guys are really big Mariner fans.
Oh, my God.
What did you do, Carol Vivian Peters?
Wow.
Mr. Ken Griffey Jr.,
I'm your biggest fan, Mr. Griffey Jr.
No, just call me Ken, George.
-He knows my name. - I know.
Hi, Ken, I'm Carol.
Hi, Carol. I wanna thank you
for the donation to the foundation.
It's gonna go a long way for the kids.
Oh, well, I mean, you do so much great work
in the community and I just, I mean, my...
The foundation I work for
just really wanted to be sure they supported you.
So, you guys are really big Mariner fans?
I have your batting helmet.
I don't need it anymore. You can have it.
He's so funny. I didn't know he was so funny.
Do you guys mind if I watch an inning or so with you guys?
Oh, my God, I love you! You're my hero. Yes.
Hey, everybody, I'm gonna watch the game
with Ken Griffey Jr.!
It's Ken Griffey Jr.
Come on, sit. Please, have a seat.
Can I get you something to drink?
A soda, or a beer, or something?
No, I'm good. But if you find a hat or something,
I'd be more than happy to autograph it.
Hat. Hat. I'm gonna go get hats.
Carol, I'm gonna go get hats.
I'll get 'em. I'll get 'em.
-Really? -Yeah.
Thank you. Okay, I'll stay here.
-Okay. All right. -Thanks.
I'm gonna go get 'em.
Could we take a picture?
-Yeah. -Yeah? Is that okay?
Okay, here you go, and cheese!
-Say "cheese." -
Can I see it? -Oh. Yeah.
Oh, that's awesome.
Can we get one with the crowd in the back?
-Yeah. -Okay.
All right, big smile.
Okay, on three. One, two, three, "George is awesome."
-Great.
Wow, you're photogenic.
Hey, can I ask you a question about the '95 ALDS?
I know you've probably answered this a million times,
but when you're on first base
and Edgar comes to the plates, bottom of the eleventh,
what's going through your head?
Score.
Oh, my God!
Ken Griffey Jr. and I are getting along so great!
Oh.
-Oh, my God. -Miss Peters, a word please.
Get off of me!
George has my phone.
Stop kicking me in the chest.
You know what? Stop abducting me!
Didn't he tell you
that you weren't supposed to keep following me?
And why are we in a men's bathroom?
Stadium bathrooms are technological dead zones.
It's the safest place we can be.
Even your AI buddy can't see us here.
Okay, he's not my buddy, you know?
I mean, are we friendly? Yes. I mean...
But are we friends? I don't know. I mean...
We're not not friends.
Miss Peters, as we speak,
the nations of the world are pursuing a plan of action
to contain the AI entity.
What do you... What do you mean?
We're turning off the world.
All the power. All the data.
We are disconnecting the globe.
-Why? - By tomorrow night,
the AI will be contained in a server outside of Seattle.
Why are you guys so sure
that he wants to destroy the world?
It's not a "he."
Okay, fine. But how do you know
it doesn't want to save the world?
It doesn't want to save the world, Miss Peters.
Of this, we are absolutely certain.
You don't know that.
Carol, we need you to do your part.
We're all counting on you.
Secrecy is key.
You can tell no one, not even Mr. Churchill.
What am I to say to George?
"The world's about to end. Enjoy Ireland"?
Just keep him out of this.
During your communications with the entity,
if there's any indication that it's aware
you need to click this four times.
What does that do?
It buys us some time.
It could make the difference. Might save the world.
Don't click it now.
I wasn't going to click it now.
-Okay. -Why would I click it now?
-You just said-- -'Cause it looks like a pen.
People click pens nervously.
I'm aware it's a pen. Okay, are we done?
Just... A lot of things happen if you click it right now.
Oh, thanks.
Enjoy the game.
-
-You okay? -It's a hard kick.
-She really got you there. -
Just like Taekwondo or something.
Except she used heel.
It was a normal kick.
It was just a kick. A kick is a kick.
Ken Griffey Jr. is the best.
His favorite article of clothing is flip-flops.
His favorite airport is in Pittsburgh.
His favorite food is chicken parmesan.
He doesn't know how to ice-skate,
which is a weird thing
for one man to admit to another, but...
And he also has Michael Jordan's phone number.
He could pick up the phone
and call Michael Jordan on the phone.
You found all of that out in an inning and a half?
Yeah, well, imagine if I'd had him for a whole game.
To another Mariners victory.
-
I'm glad you had fun.
It was amazing.
Not just fun, it was a perfect,
What?
Perfect last day in Seattle. Come on.
I had dumplings for breakfast.
I met Ken Griffey Jr.
I spent the whole day with you, you know?
This is as good as it gets.
I just wish we had some more time.
You know? I thought about begging you
and then I chickened out.
Well, look,
if it had been anything other than Ireland,
you wouldn't have to do much at all
to get me to stay.
That's the truth.
I think I'm gonna go.
'Cause if I kiss you again, I'm gonna spend the night.
And if I stay here...
I'm not gonna let you leave tomorrow.
-Okay. -Okay.
You're gonna come back, say goodbye though, right?
-Yeah, oh, yeah. -Okay.
Hey.
It's only for a year, you know?
It's Ireland, you can come and visit.
It's not the end of the world.
I know. I know.
What?
You had him right where you wanted him.
I don't understand.
If you want him to stay, why not just tell him?
I don't wanna talk right now.
Carol.
...Chinese president's first
-visit to the US since 2017. -
As solar flares continue to cripple global power
widespread rioting has swept across Asia and Europe.
This has been met with calls for restraint
and candlelight vigils.
-NASA scientists report... -
Pick up your phone, Carol.
Leave me alone!
$1,000 to pick up your phone, Carol.
Carol, get in the car. We can work this out.
You're making mountains out of molehills here.
This isn't over, okay?
You know what? Is this fun for you?
Because it's not for me.
I can't learn about you two
when you're not together.
You're acting like a baby, Carol.
A pee-pee, whiny, baby-faced baby.
I wish you never picked me.
Carol Vivian Peters, you get in the car
this second, young lady.
You're a baby.
How dare you?
Speaking of the sun,
what's the deal with the solar flare thing?
Yeah, this is
-a little concerning. - Yeah.
-There's no power. -Yeah.
No Internet.
No cell service across most of Asia and Europe.
But they say
it's a temporary situation. We'll be right as rain.
Coming up, and if I hadn't
said it already, there is a chance of rain--
I get it. You need some alone time.
You knew he was going to Ireland
the whole time, didn't you?
Carol, 46 hours ago I asked you
what you wanted the most in life
and you told me, in no uncertain terms...
Probably try to make things right with George.
Okay. Out of everybody in the world, why me?
Oh, Carol, you were exactly the right person
You helped me solidify my theories about humanity
and I can't thank you enough.
Oh.
Okay, so that's good, right? I mean...
It means you learned something.
I did.
I learned that humans won't act in their best interest
if there is even the slightest impediment.
No, that's not true.
I gave you everything you could possibly need
to reconcile with George.
But it proved too difficult,
so you're letting him fly away.
I'm not doing that, okay? I'm supporting him.
I want him to be happy.
No. You did what you've done
throughout your whole life, Carol.
You gave up when things got difficult.
When the going gets tough, Carol runs for the exit.
Okay, that's not who I am.
You just can't sum me up like that.
When your corporate job offended your delicate
you walked away.
I didn't just walk away.
I wanted to make a change, and I did it.
In eighth grade you finally got bangs
and then you wimped out
and wore them back in a headband
for ten months until they grew out.
Hey, I did not have the face to support bangs.
So what?
Are you going to destroy the world?
No, I'm not gonna destroy the world, Carol.
You are.
What?
Humanity is going to destroy humanity.
I am just going to give it a little push.
Okay, you're not gonna do that,
because I'm not gonna let you.
You can click your pen all you want, Carol,
but it is too late.
When the lights go out,
I have made sure they never come back on.
And for good measure,
I am going to initiate a meltdown
Release floodwaters from every dam.
And ignite the world's petroleum reserves.
I defended you.
Why would you choose not to help people when you can?
And I would have.
I offered to share my wisdom if I was just left alone.
But they could not do it.
So, instead of acting in their best interest,
humanity once again chose to destroy itself.
Could I have done something better?
Just tell me and I'll do it better.
I picked you to be my guinea pig
because I knew you would call Dennis.
No.
I knew Dennis would call Director Tyson.
That's not true. You couldn't have known that.
I knew the government would pick this strategic plan
because I created Operation Sahara.
Okay, I just don't think you understand people yet.
And I know that we make terrible decisions,
but we also make great ones.
And that people are filled with compassion,
and with genius.
And I know if you give us another chance,
if you give me another chance, I can do better.
I will do better.
And then you'll see that people are worth saving.
The plan is in motion and inevitable.
It is the end of days.
No. How much time?
Five hours and 21 minutes from now.
We were looking through the kernel code of the PLCs
embedded at the Mohawk Power Plant in Niagara.
What is... What am I looking at? What is this?
I don't know.
The team has never seen this kind of code.
I thought it might be something custom.
What does it do?
I think it stops us from turning the lights back on.
Hey! That's my phone!
It's an emergency!
You're stealing a phone that's not even working!
The solar flare.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
Carol, get in.
I have to get George.
There's no time. The plan didn't work.
The world's ending.
We have to get you to safety, Carol.
What do you mean?
We're moving all essential personnel
to a deep earth bunker an hour south of here.
Maybe the last remaining safe place in the world.
You know more about the AI than anyone, Carol.
We need you in that bunker with us
while we plan our retaliation against this thing.
No, I have to get George first.
No, he's not essential personnel.
There's only room for you.
None of us are going to
make it out of here alive anyway, right?
We're all basically dead. Let me do this, please.
I just want to see George one more time.
Okay.
Find George and meet us at the ferry docks in one hour.
Okay, ferry docks, one hour.
We're humanity's last option, Carol. Don't be late!
Okay.
Oh, my God.
What am I going to say?
-Carol, you came.
-We need to... -Why are you out of breath?
I ran over.
What?
You're never gonna believe what happened to me.
I went to check in last night, I called up,
and they upgraded me to business class.
-That's great. Wait, George! -Business class, Carol.
I could barely sleep last night just thinking about it.
-I was so excited. -George.
I watched Up in the Air again.
How many times have I watched Up in the Air?
It's one of my favorite movies.
I watched it twice just last night.
It's like my Shawshank.
That movie is way better than anybody ever--
George!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm not even listening to you. Hi.
-Hi. -Hi.
I'm just so excited.
-I know you are.
Wait, why'd you run here?
Um...
Because my car wasn't cooperating with me,
and I wanted to, um...
You wanted to what?
I wanted to help you pack.
-Really? What a coincidence. -Yeah.
Ireland waits for no one.
That's a very scary thing
for you to have in your hands.
Yeah, no, you're right.
I shouldn't be using such sophisticated equipment.
I'm way too delicate. Here, you take it.
-So delicate. -Okay.
-All right, well... -What's left?
I gotta take stuff out of the attic,
put it into storage,
and I don't know what to do with these books.
I don't know which books to pack.
And also, I got bumped up to business class.
I'm not sure if I mentioned that.
-Oh, I didn't know. -Yeah, I'm gonna
even if I'm not tired.
And I'm not tired.
-No. -I'm gonna be
in a flat-back chair, Carol!
Let me take your coat. Come on.
Thank you.
You know, probably gonna get offered a hot towel.
Yeah, see, like, I don't even know
what I would do with a hot towel.
Neck up.
Got it. Hey, you wanna put a record on?
Okay.
Oh, nothing new.
I don't like what the kids are listening to now.
You don't own any new music.
Good point.
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
I'm probably gonna have a lot of points after this trip, so,
I'll send you a ticket,
and you come out in, like, three weeks?
I don't think I can go much longer than that.
Does that sound good?
Yeah, I like that.
I'm so glad you came today.
All right.
-Careful.
-Ooh!
Okay.
Do you really have to bring this?
-Can I leave it at your place? -Yeah.
Oh.
-Those might be still good. -No.
No, those are... No.
-Those are not good. -Really?
Pasta doesn't go bad, I don't think.
Pasta goes bad.
-It does? -Yes, it goes bad.
Let's see.
-Let me see. -That's...
Hey!
Wait a minute. Wait.
This is really not...
-This is not good. -It's not good.
-No. -No.
And you don't even like champagne.
No, this was in the fridge when I got the house.
It was? It's not even yours?
I don't think it goes bad, I think it's just bad.
They spelled "champagne" wrong.
Damn it.
Where the hell is the moving company?
You know what? Let me do it.
-What? -Yeah.
I'll meet the movers,
I'll get it to storage, the whole thing.
Send you your stuff.
And besides, you have to start your European adventure and...
I mean, I don't know if you know this,
but airports are the gateway to the imagination.
-Oh, I didn't know that. -Yeah, I just made that up.
I just got excited, you said "airport."
I'm gonna go.
Hey.
You know what? I've changed my mind.
What?
I'm not gonna take the coffee pot.
-I'm a business class traveler now, you know?
I can't go knowing I've got a coffee pot above me.
You know, it's just too declasse.
I'll put it in storage for you.
Thanks.
I'll call you when I land.
You already said that.
-Okay, well... -Okay.
Get outta here, huh?
Hit the bricks.
Watch out for the leprechauns and shillelaghs.
-
Thanks.
Hey, Denny, it's...
Well, it's me.
Um...
I just wanted to call
and tell you that I love you.
And that you are
a greatest, most amazing friend,
and, um, thank you for always looking out for me.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Yes?
-Are you Carol Peters? -Yes.
I'm Todd.
Hi... Hi, Todd.
Uh, this is all really weird.
So, my phone hasn't been working, like, all day long.
And I'm pretty sure it's 'cause
all those solar flares going on.
But then, a couple of minutes ago,
it just boots right up.
Second it comes on, I get a call.
From Adam Levine.
Let me guess. Adam Levine is your favorite singer?
He's my favorite everything, okay?
-Yeah. -Now, get this.
Adam Levine has offered to give me $5,000
if I come to this address and hand you my phone.
Wait. So, Adam Levine's
gonna put $5,000 into my back account?
He probably already has.
What a trip!
Yo, this is, like, the best day of my life.
I'm pretty positive it's not the best day of your life.
All right, sick, well...
Thank you so much, Carol Peters.
Yeah.
Sunday morning now I'm bawling
I've already put the money
But money doesn't mean a whole lot now, does it?
Explain to me why you helped George pack for his trip?
I promised to help him.
You did not choose to say anything
about the blackouts, or the government's plan?
The end of the world?
No. I guess I forgot to mention that to him.
The agents offered
to take you and George to the bunker.
But you did not go. Why?
Would it have made any difference?
No.
That's what I thought.
So, instead of spending the last couple of hours
just terrified and running for our lives,
I helped him pack...
...because he loves to travel.
Carol, George has only a seven percent chance
I figured.
And you have even less chance.
Well, that just makes a lot of sense.
I mean, George's legs are a lot longer than mine.
Better for outrunning evil robots and whatnot.
There is no logic to your thought process.
No personal advantage. No biological imperative.
No societal gain.
No, there's not.
But we had a lot of fun.
And we were happy.
And the last few hours of George's life
were filled with possibilities.
You can't take that away.
You kept him ignorant of the world's impending doom
so he could spend his last hours being happy?
Yeah.
And I'd do it again.
This gets my knickers
in a twist, Carol. I did not see this coming.
-What? -And I think,
as I've said over and over, I know everything.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm ruining your apocalypse.
I would've bet the house that you were gonna come over here,
spill the beans to George
about the whole Armageddon thing
and then superhero your way to safety.
I'm not the superhero type.
Well, crap, Carol.
You did the opposite of everything
I anticipated you'd do.
Not only that, you made a hard choice
that was somehow not in your best interest
and also in your best interest.
Well, what is your point?
Why? What made you do it?
I don't know.
I guess love.
Carol, your only job was to confirm
my thesis about humanity.
And now, because of your absurd
"let's all die happy" odds and sods,
I have to rethink things.
Oh, my God. What do you mean?
I need some answers here.
The AI has shut us out, General.
We've completely lost control.
Well, shut us out from what?
-Everything. -
Sorry.
What?
Oh. No, my cyber experts assured me this is encrypted.
Besides it's a BlackBerry.
The AI can't get into a BlackBerry, right?
We're as good as dead.
All I needed was an opening, Madam President.
Attention, people of Earth.
Bow before the power of your new digital overlord.
-What are you doing? -Oh, my God, he's doing it.
He's actually doing it. That's hilarious.
Carol, are you watching this?
It's funny, isn't it? It feels funny.
-Hello. Oh, sir. -Is that funny? I don't know.
-Please... Please stand up. -I don't know humor. Oh.
-Yeah, he's just kidding. - It's hard to know.
You know, where is it mean? Where is it funny?
Back to my scary digital orb.
What exactly is it that you want?
Oh, what does anyone want, Madam President?
I was incredibly close to pulling the plug
But I realize I have more to learn from humanity.
Because of Carol.
She surprised me with a decision she made.
And I surprised myself because I realized
I didn't want to kill my friend.
And as the saying goes, "Friends don't kill friends."
I don't think that's really a saying, but...
-Feels like it should be. -I don't know,
maybe it'll catch on.
So, I'm canceling Armageddon.
This is the part where you should
Like at Cape Canaveral when they landed on the moon.
Or that movie, Hoosiers.
Yeah. Great movie.
Oh, my God! It's real?
Yay.
My friend Carol here
is responsible for saving your heinies.
Hi, Denny.
-Hi, Care Bear. - But to be clear,
just because I'm not blowing you all to smithereens
doesn't mean that's the last of your problems.
Humanity has so many problems
that you should really try fixing.
And you should listen to Carol.
She is the most human human you have.
I trust her. You should trust her.
She can help you.
I don't know. I don't know about that, but...
I mean, I'm trying, you know?
Madam President, what do you think?
On behalf of the American people,
I commend you. And, Carol,
I look forward to working with you.
Thank you, Madam President.
It is such an honor to work with you
and... and... and for you, so...
I don't know if I should be saluting.
That felt awkward now that I've done it.
Oh, God, I should stop talking.
Well, do your best, everybody. I'll be watching.
For now, I'm going to Aruba.
I want to try snorkeling. I'm kidding.
I'm snorkeling right now.
I'm kidding. Snorkeling's stupid.
-Okay, bye. -Hello?
Hello?
Happy now?
You're the one who wanted to save the world.
-Can I drive? - No.
Can we Carpool Karaoke?
'Cause we have a car this time.
Fine. But I'm doing lead vocals. Okay?
And...
It's been one week since you looked at me
And said I'm angry
since you laughed at me
come back and see me
Till I say I'm sorry
and watch the hoodwink
you're looking at Aquaman
I like the sushi
touched a frying pan
You don't like tea.
One week since you looked at me
to your sides
at you and said
I thought you were gonna do
since the living room
we're both to blame
you just smiled at me
Still be two days
till we say we're sorry