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Okay, let's get down to it.
You know, the reason I like taping my special in Bangalore
is because people here are just extra nice man!
Just extra nice.
[Audience cheers]
See!
Extra nice
Not too nice, eh.
Don't be too nice.
See, the thing is some people try to be nice,
But that just comes off as condescending.
You know what I mean?
Like, I was running up the stairs one time,
I was running up in a hurry...
and I tripped on one step,
and this guy was like, "Hey, be careful!"
Uh…
"What is this shitty hindsight advice you giving me?"
"Where were you when I needed you one step ago, dude?"
"Now you come and tell me,
Be careful!'
"I know now dude, I've learnt my lesson."
"My leg is paining."
People always say 'be careful' when it's too late.
Always comes too late 'be careful'
It's like..my friend he asked me if I wanted some tea.
I said, "Yeah sure."
He gives me the tea,
I drink the tea,
I burn my tongue.
He says, "Careful, it's hot!"
"Oh, now I know now."
Shitty hindsight advice man.
People give hindsight advice all the time by the way.
I don't know if you guys have noticed.
It's like when your friends come to you after a breakup and they say,
"You know, I always knew she wasn't the right one for you dude."
"Wow, always?"
"You could have said eight years ago no, bastard?"
"Be careful of Sneha, you could've said that."
My heart is paining. [imitates crying]
My friends are being nice.
I have nice friends and I feel like you guys are nice people.
But I think that's what's lacking in this world at the moment, I have nice friends and I feel like you guys are nice people.
But I think that's what's lacking in this world at the moment,
this country, in fact, I feel like...
No one is being nice to each other.
And I think,
that's because no one is relating to each other anymore
Everyone just seems, it just seems very divided, you know?
Everyone's like, "Oh those North Indians."
They are like, "Oh all those South Indians."
But like...
Parota Paratha dude...
Yeah, culturally we are different.
But as people and as humans we are still...
we can still relate, we can empathize with each other on smaller human things.
And that's what this whole world needs.
And I am going to tell you a little story about empathy, that I went through.
And I hope you take away the right lesson from this story.
Story about empathy, alright.
It's that part of the show, please bear with me.
I got into a cab when I was in Delhi.
It's Delhi right,
not used to the language and stuff.
And I got into the cab.
And the moment I got into the cab,
the driver farted.
Okay?
Now... [scattered laughter in audience]
Sorry, this is not a fart joke.
I hope you don't think...
Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a fart..
I don't do fart jokes.
I don't do fart jokes in my show by the way.
This is a story about empathy.
Umm..
He farted.
It was one of those farts
where I couldn't hear the fart,
I could..
taste it.
You know? And
Sorry
This is not a fart joke. Please!
Excuse me!
It's about empathy. I am getting there!
Alright?
Now I know what you would've done. Alright?
Now I know what you would've done.
You would've all put your window down and
just let a little bit of air out.
But that's not the nice thing to do. Alright?
because once you put your window down
he's gonna realize you smelt his fart,
he's gonna feel bad!
Here's the thing
No one likes having their fart acknowledged man.
I know.
I knew how he felt.
I empathized.
because once I farted in an Uber
the driver put his window down,
I felt bad!
I empathize.
It's an empathy joke, alright?
So I sat there and let that fart just envelop me
like a warm blanket. Just...
And I held my breath, I held my breath. like a warm blanket. Just...
And I held my breath, I held my breath.
Two minutes
Three minutes. Holding my breath.
Four minutes. Holding my breath.
I think maybe I should smile,
just let him know it's okay.
Six minutes pass...
Now the driver is getting suspicious.
He's like is this...
Has it not reached him yet or?
Then he sees me smiling.
So he's like,"Oh my god is he enjoying it or what?"
But this is how far I am willing to go!
This is how far I am willing to go,
to empathize with this man.
I'm like I'm doing this for the goodness of humanity.
But I'm like I'm doing this for the goodness of humanity.
But
I can't hold my breath any longer.
because there's still 30 minutes to get to the destination.
This freakin' fart's not going anywhere!
I'm stuck inside this freakin'
Wagon R fart parcel dude!
It's a bubble of fart.
It's a vacuum of fart that I am stuck inside.
And it's not a fart joke.
And
I'm just praying to God.
I'm like, "Please God, just give me any excuse."
"Just any excuse to put this window down."
"So he won't feel bad."
"Like a fly inside the car."
"Anything like that."
And on the next signal the car stopped.
And you won't believe it,
a small beggar child came
and knocked on the window asking for money.
And it's like I had an excuse to put the window down.
And I could help him.
And I could help the cab driver.
It was beautiful.
It's like god himself had appeared before me.
As I put the window down
the beggar was like,
"Eh, cheeee!!"
And he ran off!
I'm like,
"Empathize with me bastard!"
Children dude, no empathy dude.
Not a fart joke, ladies and gentlemen
Alright.
Tell me, if you guys have ever done this.
Have you ever littered?
At any point in your life?
[Audience: Yes, yes]
I'm sure we've all just...
You know you've all just ...
kind of thrown your waste on the ground.
You can't find a dustbin, so you just throw it.
And I know you've blamed the government,
"Like oh.. there's no dustbin,
hey just throw it."
"Just throw it."
And I've seen people do it.
And I think it's very disrespectful
to just throw your waste on the ground.
I'm not like that.
I'm very environmentally friendly
I always take my waste and I carefully...
keep it on the ground, alright?
Respectfully.
There's a difference.
You know the thing is, if you throw it,
it will look like the government's trying,
but you don't give a shit.
But if you keep it, it will look like you are trying,
but the government doesn't give a shit.
Hmm...
No, no, I haven't sold you guys on this throwing and keeping.
Alright
I'll make this more relatable, alright?
If your mom
comes and keeps food on the dining table
she places the food she keeps it gently
that means everything at home is fine.
She's fine, right?
Now if she comes and throws food on the dining table
that means she is...?
An alcoholic. Yeah, that's right.
No, that means your dad is an alcoholic
and she is angry
and she's trying to send a message, right?
She's like, "Aargh, I'm not happy with the way
things are at home."
She's trying to send a message. That's what this is about.
Thing is if you throw it,
you know it will look like a garbage dump.
But if you keep it
it will look like an art installation.
Men,
If you wanna urinate in public, go ahead
urinate in public.
But send a message with your urine
like literally
write something on the wall with it.
Just be like,
"Keep India clean"
"Clean India Initia...
I ran out of pee over here,
let me just..
Initiative."
Full stop!
Cursive works best, right, for that
Capital block and all you've to keep stopping, it's...
you'll get a urinary tract infection.
But the government is trying though.
The government is trying their best.
They banned plastic bags everywhere.
Right, yeah?
But you still see them everywhere, right?
I mean the shops are still using it,
the restaurants are still using it,
our moms are still collecting it.
One time I thought it would be nice to
give my mom one of these zip lock bags to send food in
and she sent me food.
I went to another city.
Then she found out that it was reusable.
So I had to courier it back to her
for her to reuse.
It's pointless.
We live in a time when
people don't carry plastic bags as openly as they used to.
It depends on where you carry it.
You carry it in a bus stop, railway station,
everyone's carrying a plastic bag, they empathize with you.
If you carry a plastic bag at the airport, people would be like,
"First time flying?"
"Hmm?"
"First time?"
"Is that your hand baggage or what?"
They judge you man.
One time I actually had to
carry a plastic bag at the airport
but
it wasn't my choice.
My aunt, man, you know every time I visit her,
she sends me back with something or the other, right?
This time I went to visit her, she's like,
"Naveen, you wanna take some fruit vegetables and go?"
"Aunty, we have there also fruit vegetables."
"No take home grown fruit vegetables, organic fruit vegetables."
"Tasty!
fruit vegetables, take and go!!"
I was like
"Okay, give!"
Now she goes to her garden,
she comes back with this heavy ass plastic bag.
I don't know what
must be some tomatoes, oranges and all.
I look inside
it's one freakin' watermelon dude!
One watermelon!
"Aunty, this is just fruit, where are the vegetables?"
Now I'm going to the airport
with this one watermelon in a plastic bag.
Just one watermelon in a plastic bag I go there.
I go to the check-in counter.
They're like, "'Sir, any hand baggage?"
I'm like, "Yup"
"One fruit vegetables, please."
Now I'm taking this thing.
You know that security check thing, there's that X-ray machine.
People are taking out laptops and iPads.
I'm taking out a watermelon and
putting in the tray and sending it through the scanner.
Then I see a sign.
It says, Only 100ml liquid allowed'
So I'm like, "Oh my God. How much water is in this watermelon?"
What if it gets to the other side and they're like,
"This is 200ml, sir."
"You'll have to eat this here and now."
"Make it half."
"Anybody wants watermelon juice?"
"Anybody want watermelon juice?'"
Embarrassing.
I take this freakin' thing on the flight.
Of all the days this is the day,
they decide to upgrade me to business class.
Alright?
Yeah
The steward is like,
"Sir, do you mind, sir. Economy is full.
Do you mind if we put you in business class."
I'm just like,
"No"
"Sir, you don't want to go to business class?"
"Yeah, but no."
"Don't want."
I'm getting
into business class
I'm trying to be as sneaky as I can with that plastic bag.
I don't want anyone to see it.
I'm trying not to make that plastic bag sound.
that 'krrrrkk' [Imitates plastic bag sound]
That 'krrrrkk',
that's the most middle class sound in the world, dude.
krrrkk'
If middle class had a national anthem,
it's just 'krrrkk krrrkk krrrkk krrrkk' [Imitates plastic bag sound]
I'm trying to put it in that hand baggage thing, right.
I'm trying not to make any noise.
I'm trying to cover it up with the sound of my cough.
[Imitates coughing sound]
And I think I've gotten away with it,
but when the plane takes off there's so much turbulence
that the watermelon's rolling around inside
kuchcha kuchcha kuchcha kuchcha' [Imitates plastic bag sound]
People are judging me and babies are like
"Excuse me, we are trying to cry over here!
So inconvenient!
Oh my god!"
When the plane lands I'm so embarrassed
I want nothing to do with this plastic bag, right.
So I just take the watermelon out and put it inside me shirt
and I walk around.
People are looking at me like I'm pregnant
And I'm,
I'm empathizing with moms like,
"Yeah, third trimester's the worst right?"
Yeah." [Laughs]
"Oh my god, my watermelon broke, no!!!!!"
My mom sends me some food every once in a while.
But sometimes I end up wasting it though.
I feel very bad.
I feel very guilty wasting food though.
You guys feel guilty wasting food?
[Audience: Yeah]
Yeah?
Do you guys also put it in the fridge sometimes?
[Audience: Yeah] Do you guys also put it in the fridge sometimes?
[Audience: Yeah]
And then three days later when you feel less guilty,
you throw it out?
[Audience: Reluctant 'yeah']
Yeah?
Relatable? Yeah? This is relatable?
When the temperature of the food reduces
your guilt also reduces.
The colder the food becomes,
the colder you become to the food.
It will just be two-three lady fingers
that are left behind and you'll still be like,
"No, tomorrow I'm gonna eat it."
You know you are lying to yourself.
And you are lying to the lady fingers as well,
like a father sending a small child to boarding school
for the first time. like a father sending a small child to boarding school
for the first time.
Just lying to him like,
"Tomorrow I'll come okay?"
"Promise?"
"Yeah, see you tomorrow!"
"Bye papa."
Now the lady finger's inside the fridge like,
"My pappa's coming tomorrow."
"Hmmm..."
"Hi Mr. Potato.
How long have you been here for?"
"I AM A MANGO!!!!"
"I've been here for so long...
...I should be mango pickle now!"
"Eat me!!!"
"Oh no!"
"Papad uncle, papad uncle, help me."
"I'm a chapati, bitch!"
"Oh no!"
The stuff in my fridge is one thing but
the stuff in my freezer,
I have no idea how long that shit's been in there, dude.
Does anyone know?
Nobody knows exactly how long food lasts in the freezer, right?
Nobody knows the expiry date when it's put in there.
You even ask the people you are buying the food from like,
"How long will this last?" You even ask the people you are buying the food from like,
"How long will this last?"
"Ah, you put it in the freezer, it will last."
"How long?"
"It will last."
"For one week?"
"Yeah, no no, it will last."
"One month?"
"Yeah, no, no, no, yeah, it will last."
"Will it outlive me?"
"No, no, yeah."
"No, yeah yeah, no."
"Yeah no yeah, it will last."
Have you guys ever played the
bad magician game with the fridge?
[Audience: No]
The bad magician game!
Guys, the bad magician game with the fridge.
You guys haven't played the bad?
I'm sure you guys have played it.
The bad magician game.
It's when you open the fridge to see
if something interesting is inside.
And there isn't. if something interesting is inside.
And there isn't.
So you close it...
and you come back five minutes later So you close it...
and you come back five minutes later
to see if something magically appeared.
Yeah!
See, I told you.
You've played it.
Every time you open the fridge
your standards have to lower
finally you're just smelling some shit like,
"Dude"
"Dude, do you think these mushrooms are safe to eat?"
"Dude, that's bread and the fungus is growing on it, dude."
"So it's safe to eat or what?"
There's some nasty shit in my fridge man.
When you are a bachelor it just...
especially when I was in college
I had the nastiest shit in my fridge
and in my kitchen, in general,
it was just filled with lizards and cockroaches,
and stuff like that.
Yeah
what are you guys more afraid of?
Lizards or cockroaches?
[Audience: Lizards. Cockroaches] Lizards or cockroaches?
[Audience: Lizards. Cockroaches]
See,
lizards I don't mind so much
because lizards they don't try to hide.
They are always out in the open
just chilling.
They don't try to hide, they have nothing to hide.
But cockroaches, always hiding,
always so suspicious!
So suspicious these cockroaches!
every time you find them,
they act like they were right in the middle of a drug deal!
You open the cupboard,
they'll be like, "Everybody split up!!"
And then they'll run.
"What are you guys doing?"
"Nothing sir, just eating puffs sir."
"Going to tuition, sir. That's all!"
"Hey!"
"Hey!!"
One time I don't know what
was inside my kitchen cupboard I saw the strangest phenomenon.
I just saw hundreds of cockroaches running out
and then just going and dying in the living room. I just saw hundreds of cockroaches running out
and then just going and dying in the living room.
Just groups of cockroaches going and dying there
like some group activity or some shit.
What is this a mass suicide or what dude?
What is there a cult inside my cupboard?
where there's some spiritual cockroach baba
that's brainwashing these cockroaches like,
"You are all cockroach..."
because we have committed sin in the last life,
but we can end this karma and get to the other side...
if we get together and commit insecticide!"
Dude now I'm too scared to open the cupboard.
What if I get brainwashed
and I join the cockroach cult by mistake?
They're like, "You are a cockroach!"
I'm like, "I empathize."
Freakin' turn into a cockroach in my head.
I start taking part in these cockroach based activities.
Then I find out they are not actually doing drug deals in the dark.
They're just waiting to surprise their friends, right.
And then..
It's very sweet. And...
at one of these parties,
I meet this cute cockroach
She's sweet. Her name's uhm...
Roachini I guess.
I don't know. I don't know.
And we start going out...we start going out...
I take her out to dinners and stuff.
I'm having dinner with her one night.
I'm having dinner at this restaurant.
And the waiter comes and says,
"Sorry sir, there's a cockroach in your food, I'll replace it."
"No, she's with me actually."
Now Roachni,
she wants to introduce me to her freakin' parents.
And I'm freakin' out.
What if they're damn orthodox?
Because you know she's a cockroach
and I am...
a comedian you know and
what parent is cool with that?
So Roachini and I, we decide to run away together.
But then she cheats on me with a freakin' lizard.
And then we break up.
And then one of my friends comes and says,
"You know I always knew she wasn't the right one for you, dude."
One time...
you know one time I saw a lizard
and the lizard saw me and it got scared
and it dropped its tail.
Yeah
Did you know that lizards,
they drop their tail when they get scared?
Yeah it's like a...
it's a self-defense mechanism.
But it's involuntary, you know.
It's an involuntary self-defense mechanism.
They just drop their tail and they run off.
Pity on him dude, it's involuntary dude.
Imagine his lizard friends know this about him
and they go scare him like,
Boo!'
"Hey, bastard!"
"Why dude?"
"Bastard, I just now grew this, bastard."
"Hey you have a tail, no?"
"Empathize no bastard?"
"I look like one hatchback."
"Like a Doberman. I look like a Doberman now bastard."
"Doberman."
"Godzilla also won't respect me now."
Yeah dude, you know where I saw the lizard though?
You know where I saw the lizard?
I actually saw the lizard in my bathroom.
And when I saw the lizard, even I got scared
and I freakin' slipped, dude."
"Whoa!" You know?
Does that ever happen to you guys in the bathroom,
that scary 'whoa' moment?
Relatable, yeah?
You know what I'm talking about,
you're taking a bath
little shampoo falls to the ground
you don't realize it.
You're just doing your thing...
suddenly you go
"Whoa!!"
And then you feel your testicles in your mouth?
You know what I'm talking about?
"Whoa" [Shrieks]
You know what I'm talking about, guys?
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about?
Testicles in the mouth right?
Hey no, this is a figure of speech by the way!
You guys who are all clapping, it's a figure of speech.
Tongue in cheek, testicles in the mouth.
Figure of speech.
This is not that kinda show okay?
This is not that kinda show.
It's a family friendly show over here.
And I don't wanna slip
and like
fall in the bathroom
because I might die man.
And I don't wanna die in the bathroom
because if you die in the bathroom
no one else will even realize that you're dead
for a very long time.
They'll think you have a stomach upset,
but you're dead inside.
And one day they'll be like,
"Dude, how long you take, dude."
"Dude, for three days he's been shitting inside now, dude."
"Three days it has been!"
And you know,
the worst part is when they find me dead inside
they're not going to be upset with the fact that I'm dead first
they're going to be upset for the fact that I'm naked.
That's their first reaction.
And I don't want that to be the image that they're left with
when they remember me.
I don't want that to be the image they are left with.
Imagine they're writing the police report,
"Sir, can you describe to us"
what you saw exactly when you..?"
"I saw everything okay?"
"He had his testicles in his mouth."
"How did it get there?"
"He said it was a figure of speech!"
There was a solution to this back in the day.
Back in the day, we all went to the bathroom wearing...?
Rubber chappals.
Remember rubber slippers?
Remember when Bata made those rubber slippers back in the good old days?
Remember they came in only two colors... What was that?
Blue and white...and?
White and blue. Yeah.
Not many options there.
But those chappals..
they were made of
rubber. They had so much grip man.
Remember they had so much grip?
You can walk on anything you would never slip, dude.
Anything you can walk on.
You step on a banana peel,
the banana peel will slip dude!
So much grip!
How do you think Jesus walked on water?
Rubber chappal dude.
How do you think the lizards are up there?
Four rubber chappals they are wearing.
Four Batas they have on their feet.
You know every time I slip in the bathroom floor,
every time I slip
I get this near death experience.
Like, "Whoa!"
And then I can see my life flashing before my eyes.
It's damn freaky, dude. And then I can see my life flashing before my eyes.
It's damn freaky, dude.
"Whoa!" And I can remember everything.
From the moment I was born up until that moment.
Just "Whoa!"
Remember everything in vivid detail man.
Just "Whoa!"
That's why these days when I forget something
I don't even try to remember
I just go to the bathroom
spray some water...
“Whoa! Oh I left it in the kitchen yeah that’s where it was.”
I have some nice friends.
My friends are extra nice to me around my birthday you know.
They always..
wanna do something around the birthday.
And what I really wanna do..
on the night before my birthday
is nothing. Okay?
I don't wanna do anything,
because anything that comes with expectations
you know it's gonna fall short.
But,
my friends they...
they put all this pressure on me.
They are like, "Hmm..so birthday boy, hmmm?"
"What plans, hmmm?"
"What plans on your birthday?"
And I'll say, "Nothing."
And then they will feel bad for me
like I'm lonely or some shit.
I say "Dude, I am not lonely..."
"I have you guys."
"I just don't wanna be with you, alright?"
And then they feel bad dude.
These guys, my friends they'll feel bad.
And then they'll go through the trouble of organizing the whole
surprise birthday party for me.
There's always one person who
is very good at organizing these surprise birthday parties.
You know who you are right?
They are the first people...
they start the WhatsApp group, and invite people...
then they'll start delegating responsibilities to people
who don't even wanna come to the party!
They'll be like,
"Okay you bring the booze."
"You bring the balloons."
"You bring the cake."
"I don't even know who's birthday it is, dude."
I don't like these surprise birthday parties
being thrown for me, personally because
it's in my own house and I get too awkward you know.
I'm the center of attention in my own house.
And I don't like it.
But I realized some people
do like these surprise birthday parties being thrown for them.
And I realized why they like it, you know,
these people, they just wanna know
how many people have gone through the trouble
of getting out of their house in the middle of the night...
and getting dressed and taking a cab there.
There's work the next day...
and they come to your house
they hide in the dark behind furniture uncomfortably
thinking you're there, "Surprise. Oh no."
"Surprise. Oh no, it's not him."
They just want how much inconvenience
everyone has been through to be there for them okay?
And then they will act like they don't even like it.
They'll be like, "Oh my god, you guys shouldn't have!"
"But good you did."
"On a weekday you guys came?"
"No, that's so inconvenient!"
"I love it."
"How inconvenient was it, guys, for you guys?"
"Actually I.."
"I have a flight early in the morning so I won't get enough sleep."
"Oh no.."
"That's so inconvenient."
"I love it."
"Actually I left my own birthday party to come here."
"Stop it."
Last year, my friends threw me this surprise party.
But I kinda saw the party coming.
You see the first sign that gave it away was
there was this one guy
who is assigned to hangout with me
in the second half of the day,
so that I don't go back to my own house
because that's where the surprise party is.
Already I was like, "why is this guy hanging out with me?"
Secondly,
he was trying so hard to keep me from going back...
that it looked like he was coming onto me, alright?
Looked like he was hitting on me, dude!
Every time I was like,
"Dude, it's 7:30, I'm gonna go."
"Dude...
It's just 7:30, dude."
"Why don't we go for some dinner, dude. You and me?"
"Cool."
We go out for dinner, we finish the dinner, alright.
Now I'm like, "Alright it's 9:30, I've to go."
"Dude, it's only 9:30, dude."
"Dude, when's the last time you and I went out for a nice walk huh?"
"Cool."
We go on the small little long walk.
We finish the small little long walk.
Now, he has to come back to my house
because that's where the party is, right?
So he's just like,
"Dude...
why don't I come over to your place after this, huh?"
"No bro!"
It was too awkward.
The other thing that gave it away
that there's a surprise birthday party coming,
is basic Indian manners.
Basic Indian manners gave it away, okay?
Because as I approached my house...
I saw twenty pairs of shoes outside my door.
I was like, "Ohh!"
He was like, "Ahhh."
"Either these are very polite burglars, or.."
So I go inside, they are all like 'Surprise!'
And I'm like, "Oh yeah, totally." [fakes laughter]
Aah man.
The worst part of this whole party man. My..
My friend who organized this she called all my old friends,
and all my new friends
and put them in one place.
You know how many years I've avoided this shit?
Both groups are just standing around judging each other.
No one's interacting.
Just judging.
All my old friends are like,
"Ugh, these are your new friends, huh?
"They are not that much fun, dude."
"I feel like we had a lot more fun when we were younger."
"Remember when we were younger we had a lot more fun?"
"Yeah, we were in third standard dude."
All my new friends are like,
"Dude who knows you better, huh?"
"Your old friends or your new friends?"
"Huh? Who really knows you on the inside?"
"Your old friends or your new friends?"
"Huh, your old friends or your new friends?"
I wish I had no friends right now.
And the cake comes out, and I cut the cake...
and then now I have to feed someone
but I don't know who
to feed first.
Because apparently the first person you feed
is the most important person in your life, right?
So I'm just like,
"You're, you're.."
" Rajesh... Rahul... Shreyas."
I just wanna be one of those brides who come out the Church...
"Whoever catches it, you are my best friend.", and I throw it!
That's what I wanted to do man.
How do they repay you after this gentle act of kindness?
They take that cake and they smash it in your face.
How is that funny?
Why...
do people still do this? I don't know.
I feel that the only reason that they still do this
is because you know its your birthday.
You can't get pissed off on your birthday, dude.
And they take advantage of that shit.
On any regular day
if some guy just took the dessert you were eating
and smashed it!
You'll be like
"Dude, I'm gonna murder your whole family after this."
"I was happily eating that falooda, nicely you smashed."
Now you are standing with that cake in your face.
You know that fake smile you do with the cake in your face, like,
[Fakes laughter] "No, it's fine."
"Oh yeah yeah, no it's fine."
"I'm cool with it, yeah I'm cool."
"What is there ginger in this cake?"
"Why is it burning?"
Urrghh' [Screams in pain]
Just too awkward this whole birthday party.
It's usually
just an awkward affair.
I just want a birthday party where the party is already awesome
by the time I get there.
It should be an awesome banging party.
So I feel like I'm want to get in there
it should be an awesome party.
As I open the door,
cops should be arresting everybody already...
there's a drug raid happening in my bathroom...
there's a guy who's been stabbed!
And he's like, "Bro!"
I'm like "What bro?"
"Bro!"
"What bro?"
"Surprise..aahh."
But a guy is still like raging.
He's like, "C'mon guys, After party is in the jail!
Now we go to the jail and then we all get
beaten up and thrashed over there
and everyone's crying
because we've lost our jobs
our faces are in the newspaper
our parents have disowned us
and everyone's just like sad
and I'm just like,
"Oh my god, this is so inconvenient."
"I love it!"
Alright.
I'm gonna keep this relatable. Alright?
This next joke is
I hope this is relatable
I shouldn't be trying out something new.
But I'm gonna...
Okay, just tell me if this is relatable
You guys all brush your teeth, yeah?
Yeah?
Okay, already relatable.
Awesome, awesome
Okay, fine.
Do you guys ever go into the bathroom sometimes
to brush your teeth but when you're putting toothpaste
too much toothpaste comes out?
And you're like,
Damn it, that's too much toothpaste dude.
But then you're like,
Hey screw it, let’s go crazy today man! Woooo!
You're like, "Yeah!"
As you bring up, the paste falls off
and you're like "No!"
"No..."
"That's like, three days worth of paste bro."
[Sighs]
But then you think, "Okay, whatever, screw it."
And then you open the tap and try to wash it down.
But it doesn't go down
because the paste is too thick and heavy
it's still sticking there.
Now you have to use your finger to push it down.
Like, "Yuck yuck yuck yuck..."
"Yuck yuck yuck yuck!"
Relatable, yeah? Relatable, yeah?
Yeah, oh, oh awesome.
You're pushing it down.
You push it down to the drain but
it still doesn't go into the drain
because the drain holes are too small
it's just lying down there
like one unloved child like,
"Why are you doing this?"
And you're like, "You're a mistake."
You open the tap some more
and pour some more water
use your hand to wishy-washy it.
You're trying to wishy-washy it.
And the paste is just like,
"Aaaaa!" [Screams in sadness]
You know
And you think, whatever!
And you put more paste
and you brush your teeth you come back the next day
the paste is still lying down there.
Relatable, right?
Come back the next day the paste is still lying down there.
Everyday you come back the paste is just lying down there.
It's just lying down there like this
one mistake that you made
that will never go away.
And that...
reminds you of all the other mistakes you made in your life.
That girl you left, was that a mistake?
That job you said 'no' to...
Someone else took it.
Was that a mistake?
That time you didn't visit your grandfather
and it was too late.
Was that a mistake?
You can't fix those mistakes.
But you can fix this mistake.
You can fix it.
Urrgh!' [Audience shrieks with disgust]
[Gagging Sound]
So this is relatable, right yeah?
No?
Okay.
[Mumbles]
Where to leave?
Yeah, hello.
How are you all doing today?
Thank you very much for the opportunity to perform in the
middle of the show.
Thank you
I know you are all looking like,
"What suddenly"
"like what weird."
So different.
So thank you all.
My name is Xavier Pandian.
That's...
Xavier with an X in the beginning.
Because as you all know there are some words.
That is starting with a X.
But is pronounced with a 'Juh' sound.
Like...
Xerox
Zebra
Et cetera
So..
Okay, so now I will start with some relatable jokes.
Because I heard
I've been told to only do relatable jokes.
Has anyone here been to an airport?
Yeah?
Okay don't show off.
Yeah, so
I went to airport once and there there was a sign.
It says, 'No sharp objects allowed.'
I said, "Oh okay, fine."
Then it says, 'No liquids allowed.'
And I said, "Okay fine."
Then it says, 'No explosives allowed.'
No explosives?
But what about my personality?
[Indistinct words]
Okay weird
So what's with...
what's with all these queues in the airport am I right?
There is a line to get into the airport.
There is line to get the boarding pass.
There is a line to get to the bus.
Then there is a line to get into the plane.
Then there is a line to get to the seat.
Then there is a line to get outside.
Then there is a line to get on the bus again.
I mean...
I know you're called Air LINES' !
Can you air-relax man?
Yeah.
Weird.
Okay so...
Yeah, when I took a flight I had actually gone to USA.
Has anyone here been to the USA?
Okay, don't show off.
So I went to USA and that you've heard they have a tipping culture yeah.
You always have to leave a tip where ever you go.
And I actually one day, I went to a diner for breakfast and...
Why are you laughing?
So, yeah. I went to a diner for breakfast there, there..
I ordered some juice and such
and then there the dishes came and then the check came.
And the check said 24 dollars, I said, "Oh. Wow!"
Then it said tip,
so I wrote, "Work hard and believe in yourself."
Okay so...
Okay let's do some...
let's do some WhatsApp jokes yeah?
What's with all these family WhatsApp groups, am I right?
Every morning same message they send.
Every morning same message.
"Hey Xavier, stop sending good morning message man."
"Sorry, I try to keep in touch with Grandma. Sorry."
What's with all these WhatsApp friends groups am I right?
Every time they forget to add you in the new group, right?
Now you have to bug them, beg them..bug them.
Like, "Hey idiots, don't forget to add me in the group dudes."
Then they add you.
Then everybody leaves the group, am I right?
"What are you thinking?"
Now they start the new group.
So again you say,
"Hello idiot, add me in the new group."
Then they're like, "Hey Xavier, can't you get the message?"
I said, "No, because you didn't add me to the group!"
Weird.
So lastly I will do some improvisational humor, okay?
You know improvisational humor?
Yeah?
[Audience: Yeah]
Yeah?
Okay, don't show off.
So... okay.
I need a word of suggestion from the audience.
Any word?
[Audience: Elephant]
Elephant?
[Indistinct words]
Okay, any fruit related words?
[Audience: Lemon. Strawberry, watermelon]
Watermelon?
Grapefruit?
Muskmelon
Like muskmelon but...
it rhymes with
Ha Ha Ya
[Audience: Papaya]
Papaya? Okay, yeah okay.
Let's try that.
Okay here we go.
Papaya jokes
Okay, so here's an improve joke on papaya.
Okay
So one day a father ask his son,
"Son, what you want to study in college?"
And the son says,
"Pappa, I want to study sociology."
And the pappa says,
"Sociology?"
"Are you sure you don't want to study engineering?"
And he says,
"Pappa, No."
And then he says,
"Are you sure...
Then he says...
Okay then he says
"Are you sure you don't want to study computer science?"
And he says, "Pappa no"
Then he says,
"Are you sure you don't want to study mathematics?"
He says, "Pappa No."
Then he says,
"Are you sure you want to study only sociology?"
And he says, "Yes pappa."
"Oh no what?!"
"Pappa yeah."
"No"
"Pa pa yeah"
"Oh no."
I learnt swimming in this summer swimming camp.
I learnt in a summer swimming camp when I was like a little baby alright!
Little small boy I was.
And..
We didn't have a swimming coach as much as a..
attempted child murderer.
Cause this guy's idea of teaching swimming to children was
to throw them in the deep end of the pool
and wait for their instincts to kick in.
And he will be like,
"Yeah, it's old school huh! It's old school!
Instincts will come huh, it's old school."
Yeah, we're not a school of freaking fish, dude.
What instincts will come dude?
And you know, he will justify it.
"Ah, this generation all waste, waste generation.
When I was a baby my daddy just threw me into the well!
He threw you?
Yea, he just threw me when I was a baby into the well. He just threw me..."
I think your Dad is an alcoholic dude.
One time, I think I saw one of my friends,
he looked like he was drowning in the pool
because he was trying to say something, whenever he got out he was like,
"I am swallowing a lot of wat... [gurgles]
I am swallowing a lot of wat... [gurgles]
What are you swallowing, dude?
I am swallowing a lot of water... [gurgles]
Then just say help no, dude? Why are you...
Why is he beating around the bush?
I am swallowing a lot of water, water!!...
Water...
This is not a railway station dude, relax.
Biryani...Biryani...
Tomato soup!
But... I still have to help him.
I stuck my hand out for him to reach, and he couldn't reach my hand
so I stuck out my leg to pull
and he pulled my leg and me inside.
Now there's two kids drowning in the pool.
We are empathizing so hard we are finishing each others sentences.
"I am swallowing a lot of,"
"Water!"
So this guy was trying to drown me
and I said screw this guy and I kicked him, alright!
And in the momentum of that kick, I started black floating.
Oh! This is a thing, oh...
Okay...
Cool.
But swimming coach is like
Hello Idiot, what are you doing? That's not swimming!
Yeah, but I'm surviving though.
Chilling and surviving!
Now, when I got out of the pool I was so excited
I wanted to tell all my friends about this shit, right.
So I was like, "Guys, next time he throws you inside a pool.
Just kinda fill your lungs with air
and your stomach with air just kind of float on your back.
Now there's 30 kids on their back, all lying motionless just...
When someone will come to the pool, it'll look like
there's 30 dead kids in the pool.
Just dead with their eyes open.
These kids, they didn't even know how to move their body
they didn't know how to change direction when they were floating.
It's like they were stuck in space or some shit.
The only way they knew to change direction is if they came next to another kid,
They'll kick that kid... Woop!
They'll get out.
Never had much luck with these summer camps.
Yeah I'd joined another summer camp
when I was in eleventh grade.
Thing is I watched this Bruce Lee movie okay.
And I wanted.. to learn some of that shit.
You know that
Kachaak' [Imitates smacking sound]
Wataak! You know that.
You know they touch you in that sensitive place.
Wataak! And then one...
Touch you on your love handle, Kotaaak!
"No, that's sensitive, dude."
I wanted to learn some of that shit.
And I actually went to join this Kung Fu academy in Coimbatore
it was called
Shankar Master Kung Fu Academy'
Taekwondo and Kung Fu!'
"Taekwondo, c'mon!"
And I went there.
And
I realized they weren't teaching you Kung Fu.
You just have to watch people do Kung Fu.
You have to figure it out for yourself.
And I remember going in there on the first day.
And I was watching this guy.
He was stretching his hands
so even I was stretching my hand.
And he was stretching his neck
so even I am like. Okay even I'll stretch my neck.
He started stretching his leg.
And I can stretch my leg about this much, right?
He took his leg.
He started spinning it around and shit.
"Dude, are you a GI Joe or helicopter or what dude?"
"Huh?"
"Have you heard of the concept of a groin or what dude?"
"Dude, how you are doing that?"
"How are you doing it with a groin dude?"
Kung Fu master is like,
"Hello idiot, why you not stretching?"
"Sir, by mistake I brought my groin and came, sir."
"I did not know I am supposed to keep my groin at home sir."
"Is there a groin locker where I can keep my groin somewhere?"
He's like,
"Come, we'll fix it."
I was like, "Huh?"
"Means what?"
He made me sit down.
And this actually happened.
He made me sit down on the ground.
He made me spread my legs out okay..
Wide
And he started pulling,
this leg out this way.
And this helicopter fellow
he started pulling my other leg that way.
And I was just like,
"Aaah" [Moans in pain]
"Something is breaking inside I think."
"Am I losing my virginity right now?"
"Is this how it happens?"
He's like, "No you'll feel more flexible tomorrow."
"But I'm feeling very violated now dude!!!"
After he deflowered me,
he made me get up...
Didn't even buy me a drink.
"Okay now everyone start doing animal punches."
"Everyone start doing tiger punch."
"C'mon." And
I don't know what a tiger punch is.
I am like, "Dude, what's a tiger punch?"
Alright But it sounded cool, right.
I'm like finally something cool that I can learn
that I can use against bullies and stuff.
Some Bruce Lee shit, tiger punch, right?
And I ask him, "What's this tiger punch?"
He's like, "You have to bend your knee."
Okay I bend my knee.
"Then you have to make a tiger claw."
Make a tiger claw.
"Now you have to make a tiger sound."
I'm like, "Huh?"
And everyone just keeps casually going like,
Aaarrrr' [Imitates tiger roar]
And I'm like, "No bro."
Next I swear he...
Next, last punch he actually made us do this.
He said, "Everyone start doing snake punch."
"C'mon."
"Snake punch."
I am like, "What?"
"What are they punching with...
...these snakes?"
"Snakes don't have hands."
But everyone just goes,
Kzzissh..Kzzissh.' [Imitates hissing sound]
But I get creative right?
So I am like, "Oh, I'm a rattle snake."
Kurrrr.' [Imitates rattling sound]
"Idiot which snake is this?"
"Sir. Rattle snake sir."
"No, only Indian snakes."
"Umm..Cobra!"
"Cobra."
"Cobra..spit!"
"Venom!"
"Venom spit"
He's like, "Hey idiot, don't spit."
"Use your hands."
"Uh. Spit, venom."
"In your face."
"You are blind now, master."
"Shankar."
"Blind venom."
"Suck it out now sir, please."
You know but I
I kinda.
You know I feel bad for these coaches, these teachers.
because I kinda empathize with them actually.
Because...
I was a..
I was a teacher myself.
At one point of time in my life.
Right here in Bangalore in fact...
When I was in college
I actually joined this NGO
that taught underprivileged children, English.
Yeah
[Audience hoots]
Right when I was in college...
I know
What am I an angel or something?
Stop it!
I know!
Yeah, it was a real NGO.
I actually taught over here.
And I was all up in my head about it. I was like,
"Man, at such a young age I am doing social work?"
"Wow."
"They are going to make me a movie about me one day."
"Mr. Empathy, the Naveen Richard story."
"Starring.."
"Benedict Cumberbatch"
You know..
And they're going to interview him one day.
They'll be like, "Mr.Cumberbatch.."
"How do you..get into the skin of Naveen Richard's character?"
"Well, how do you relate to someone.."
"so profoundly empathetic as Naveen Richard?"
"I booked myself a first class ticket to his hometown."
"And, of course all my luggage was in plastic bags."
"I got my ass handed to me by Shankar Master himself, in fact."
I was damn excited.
Here's the thing,
I thought I am going to be one of those teachers who
wins the kids over with love and empathy.
But here's the thing,
these kids, they..
They grew up around poverty and violence..
When you grow up around those kinda conditions,
you don't understand love and empathy,
you only understand..violence.
Okay, so when I went there on that first day,
just,
just fully vulnerable..like a...
Vulnerable Vimala
I just went in there
opened my heart out to them like
"I'm more than a teacher, I am a unicorn!"
They rode my ass like one local bus, dude.
Literally!
I thought I'll give them a piggy back ride one by one,
but all ten of them jumped on me at the same time!
They were just disrespecting me.
Constantly disrespecting me.
And..
Here's the thing, I wanted to hit them.
Alright?
I wanted to hit them.
And the thing is, I have been hit.
Growing up.
I'm sure you've been hit.
Make some noise, been hit, growing up?
[Audience cheers loudly]
Hit by hand, make some noise.
Hit with a stick, make some noise.
Pushed out of moving car, make some noise.
Just me and you.
Alright buddy.
My condolences.
My parents would always hit me.
You know, my mom would hit me before the exam
to make sure I pass the exam.
My dad would hit me after the exam because I failed the exam.
It was just a vicious cycle of hitting man.
Wanted to freakin' hit those kids.
I couldn't hit those kids because
I worked at an NGO.
That didn't believe in hitting children.
I know.
I don't know if there's any NGO that does believe in hitting children though.
Some NGO that's like,
"Are you feeling bad to hit your child?"
"Send them to us."
"And we will hit them for you!"
"For free because we are an NGO."
"Hit a kid NGO." "Donate now."
I feel like there's a market for an NGO
that hits children though.
I feel like there should be an NGO
that hits children.
because nowadays all these NGOs
they are all trying to do the same thing.
They are all trying to make underprivileged children
feel better about themselves right?
But shouldn't there be an NGO
that makes over privileged children
feel shitty about themselves?
Yeah
That's right.
Now all these NGOs
they are always trying to do the same thing again.
They are all just trying to take pictures of poor children,
looking happy,
they show that to you, you feel good right?
Poor children looking happy?
But wouldn't you want to see a picture of a rich kid
looking sad?
Yeah
You know those kids who
stick their head out of the sunroof of these expensive cars and drive around?
Yeah imagine that.
But there's a volleyball hitting their face,
Fataaaak' [Imitates smacking sound]
"Hit a kid NGO. Donate now."
"Donation accepted in cash and volleyball."
I realized, now here's the thing man
I didn't have the ending that I wanted.
I didn't want my movie to end on that.
I needed that heart-warm, bittersweet movie ending.
You know how those movies end and teacher really connects to them.
So I thought I need to think out of the box.
So one day,
I actually said this to the kids, I actually said to the kids,
"Kids, today you can ask me anything that you want."
"Outside of these textbooks and outside of the walls of this orphanage."
"Anything that you want."
And I thought they'll ask me something sweet, like...
"Uncle, what's it like to have a family?"
And I'd say, "Well kids...
...let's find out."
And I'd give them a group hug.
And I'd make them feel like family.
And in this beautiful, bittersweet moment,
the camera would zoom out,
and the credits would roll.
But these kids you know.
Really threw me in the deep end of the pool that day.
They actually asked me these three questions.
I shit you not.
They asked me these three questions.
First, question this kid gets up and asks,
"Uncle, what does this mean?"
And he points to a logo that's on this other kid's t-shirt, right?
And I go and look at that logo.
It's that playboy bunny, alright?
I'm..now..here's the thing,
I don't wanna start talking about sex and have my movie
go from bring some inspirational movie to some Michael Jackson documentary and shit.
I don't want that.
So I was just like..
Uh..that..uh..' [Stammers]
That..uh..buh..that's a bunny.' [Stammers]
It's a bunny.'
I'm a unicorn man, I don't know man.'
Please god let it be a sweet...
Just let it be something simple. Right?
This kid gets up.
Another kid gets up.
"Uncle. If a ghost stands in front of the mirror,
can you see the reflection of the ghost in the mirror?"
This is the most specifically hypothetical question I've ever been asked.
I've never seen a ghost,
let alone a ghost standing in front of the mirror, dude.
Who's this self conscious ghost that's standing there like,
"Is my skin looking pale today?" or some shit.
Just God. Just a simple question.
Please let there be one simple question.
Third question this kid gets up and asks,
"Uncle. Is God real?"
Yeah!!
What am I supposed to say?
If I say no, god is not real,
then it's like I'm starting a little atheist cult of orphan children.
But if I say yes, god is real,
then they'll be like, "Uncle, which god is real?"
Then I'll say, "Well, your parents' god is real."
They'll be like,
"Does that mean his parents' god is not real?"
Now I don't wanna start a small mini communal riot
in my classroom.
So I'm just like,
See. No. See ...'
I have to start making up some shit, right?
If I say, I have to start making up some shit like,
"See God is, see religion, is a construct."
"It's a kind of a medium to kind of reach this higher power."
"This kind of an energy"
"that we cannot connect to through science."
"Science does not have technology to connect to this higher power..."
"But you can feel God and his energy.."
"Through doing smaller, kinder acts."
"You know, you could meditate."
"You can help the poor."
"You can empathize with them."
"You can smell a stranger's fart and not acknowledge it."
Now I am starting my own religion basically.
Little cockroach baba cult over here.
Like, "You are all cockroach."
"We are all cockroach."
Now they are going to freakin' start a whole religion,
preaching my philosophies and shit.
Stuff like,
"Be careful before giving hindsight advice."
"If your friend takes too long in the bathroom,"
"be patient."
"If he takes two days in the bathroom,"
"he has become the patient."
I didn't wanna start a whole religion man.
But I still have to sit and I have to
answer these questions right?
I am just standing there,
"See god is a, see god is a, god, see god no, God is...
God, god is a, god is a, god, see god is a, god, see, god, see..."
"I'll tell you what this playboy is, alright.."
The reason I wanted to do this special in Bangalore is because,
I realized I relate to you guys more than
almost any other city in the world, you know?
There's this connection.
You know what I mean?
Eh. There's this. You relate.
We relate to these freakin' jokes man.
I realized,
I've been in Bombay for about three years.
And I like the people there.
It's a freakin' awesome city,
But I realized I don't relate to them.
The day I realized that is when
they tried to make Hindi the national language.
You remember that?
Yeah
And I looked around for people to resist.
But all the Bombay people were like,
"Yeah, so what?"
"It's a good thing."
I'm like, "Get lost, you bastard."
"Hey!"
"Hello Kamal Hassan uncle, please come and shout at them, please."
They were like, "No, no, no."
Then they backtracked.
"No, not national language, just second language."
"Make it a compulsory second language."
And I'm like, "It doesn't help shit."
I've learned second language Hindi my whole life.
You guys have all studied second language Hindi, yeah?
It doesn't, it doesn't help.
Because when you have time to sit and think
and write in a second language exam.
You can be like,
[Speaks gibberish Hindi] "Mango is my favorite fruit because
it's very tasty."
"Hence it's my favorite fruit."
That's the whole composition.
Just, 'Because blah blah blah,"
"Hence blah blah blah."
[Speaks gibberish Hindi] "Because mango is, orange and tasty."
"And hence,"
"Mango is tasty and orange."
"Because"
"hence, since it's orange."
"Mango is on the tree."
"Hence,"
"favorite"
"Because"
"during the hot hot season."
"hence...because...hot hot."
"Mango is tasty."
You won't relate man.
And that's the thing,
when you are in a practical situation
I realized it doesn't actually help.
Because one time I was actually driving..in Bombay.
And I stopped at a signal.
And this one cycle guy
hit my rear view mirror.
And then I was so mad.
And I thought, okay, think about all the compositions.
and all the non detailed stories, and all the Kabir
And all the "What you have to do today, do it today, tomorrow you will do when?"
Whatever the hell.
I thought about all that.
Processing all of that.
And the only thing that came out is
"Come on man!"
"Man!!!"
"Ugh..man man."
"Just man, man."
People were very sweet.
They were like "What happened?"
"Nothing man, that man hit my man, man!!"
Doesn't actually help man.
This other time I actually ordered a cab okay,
and this hatchback came.
And it had this tall back door.
You've seen these cabs with these tall back doors?
It's much taller than you,
it looks like a swan neck or something to me you know?
And I didn't realize how tall it was.
So when I opened I hit myself with it.
Fataak' I hit myself.
I cut my lip.
And I was just so mad,
I didn't know what I was saying,
I was just saying something like,
"Brother,
[Speaks gibberish Hindi] "Why is your car's door like this
"Like a swan neck or something."
"You know swan?"
"Like the ugly duckling that grew up."
"And learned that beautiful comes from the inside,"
"and not from the outside,"
"Ugly, ugly."
"The opposite of beautiful."
"Duckling! Like the animal that goes quack quack!"
"You know, like the pigeon."
"But this one's in the water."
"It's like a water pigeon."
"Goes on water and land as well."
"And sometimes sometimes flies when it gets cold,"
"during sweater wearing season, it travels down South,"
"opposite of the equator."
"And hence...."
"Why is your door like this?"
"I opened it a little too fast and now,"
"It's cut my lips."
"Lips you know,"
"The thing you kiss with."
"Just like this"
"Put it..."
"Pleasure toy"
"Cooking oil"
"Put it"
"Put it sir"
"Put it"
"Full"
"Red is coming, sir"
"What's this?"
"Would you happen to have some ice on you sir?"
He did not have any ice,
so he drove a little bit ahead
stopped in the middle of the road.
He said, "You'll find it there."
I'm like, "Where?"
"There! Go! Go!."
I look outside,
it's a freakin' falooda stand, dude.
Now I have to ask the falooda guy for ice.
But I have to explain to him why I need the ice.
"Brother, that swan-like door of the car hit me hard."
"Opened it real fast."
"And now my lips,"
are all red."
"Hence, please will you give me ice..."
"Please will you give me some, grandfather?"
He was very sweet.
He actually reached into this thing and
gave me two naked ice cubes.
Two naked ice cubes!
No cover or anything.
I took it, it slipped and it fell.
"Sir, why are you giving me cold naked water?"
"This cold naked water is all Gandhi now!"
"Sorry I meant dirty. Gandhi is the father of our nation."
"The opposite of father is mother."
"Our mother and father are like God."
"One day, we will triumph."
"No problem, I'll just suck the blood,"
"Like this."
"Like a vampire."
"You know vampire?"
"Like a man who turns into a bat."
"A bat, you know?"
Not this kind of bat...
"A pigeon of the night sir! A pigeon of the night!"
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen
You guys have been wonderful.
Thank you so much Bangalore.
Thank you, good night.