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- Ethan, I really wanted to thank you
for taking this time to connect with me again.
I know that you've been so busy with work,
and I know things have been picking up for you.
The fact that you were able to take this time to really,
- Yeah, me too.
I'm glad we could connect again and stuff.
- Things have been getting a little bit
better for me too, you know?
- Thanks for coming in tonight.
I will leave your check here, and I will
take care of that for you whenever you're ready.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much. - Sure.
- She was really wonderful.
Yeah, she was great.
- We should tip her really well.
Oh.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, boy.
- Work's been really well.
Oh gosh, though.
Would you mind, baby, just this time covering it?
- I never expect you to have to cover me.
I'm grateful for any time we have.
We can go Dutch.
I really don't need you to pay for my half.
- I'm going to need you to go a hundo-Dutch
this time, like, just solo-Dutch.
But you did order the tiramisu, so really,
that's on you anyway, you know?
- Excuse me.
- Yes.
Do you take Mobile Pay?
- We do not, no, I'm sorry.
- Sorry, that was a dumb question.
I'm so sorry.
You have credit cards, baby.
Hey.
Don't embarrass us again like that, okay?
Wow.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm going to try not to keep you here too much longer.
I do want to get this meeting wrapped up.
- Yeah, I'll be- - Finally.
- Oh, we have a stupid meeting right now.
Yeah, no, it's all right, just Ted.
Okay.
Oh my god, no way.
- Would you like to join us?
- Hey, Ted, seriously?
- Yeah, we all have lives, too.
- Yeah, no, sorry.
- Goodbye.
- Awesome, all right, see you later, bye.
- Thank you.
The last thing that I needed to go over,
based on the comment cards from the customers this month.
- It's heavy.
- Oh, sorry.
I need to announce that Stacy is our Employee of the Month.
- Oh, again?
Just kidding, it happens every month.
- I'll just kind of mention as we're wrapping up here,
I am considering implementing an employee dress code.
- Why, Ted?
No.
- This is just a general announcement.
This might be in the works.
I'm just talking about professional dress.
That's all talking about.
- What?
No.
- We can talk later.
- No, why would we meet later?
No, we're all here right now.
- I will make an announcement-
- Is this because Autumn looks like a tool?
- This has nothing to do with Autumn.
So, it has to do with me?
No, I'm not singling anybody out,
is what I'm trying to-
- This is my body shaming boss,
who thinks that my god-given body is disgusting.
- I'm talking about anybody's body.
I'm just trying to uphold a certain
professional standard for everyone.
- Ted, you let Stacy dress the way Stacy wants to dress.
I look forward to that every day.
Thank you, Roy.
- Okay, I'm just going to wrap up this meeting right now.
I just need one more thing for Autumn.
I just need to let you know someone
took a dump and kind of missed the bowl.
So, if you could clean that up real quick, that'd be great.
Thank you so much, thank you everyone, great meeting.
- Hey, I'd stay and help you with that,
but I really got to go.
But I love you, okay?
Sorry.
- I got to go too, but not as bad as that guy.
- He was clearly very disturbed.
And so I definitely knew that we needed to focus on-
- Hey, can I have these?
Yeah, they're good, I want 'em, so.
Go on.
- So yeah, so I guess her dog died two weeks ago,
so it was very, very apparent that
she needed some lower back-
- Jimmy, what's up, man?
Get the fuck outta here.
No.
- Hey, Autumn.
- Hi.
- Hey, can I borrow a dollar?
Like, maybe?
Yeah, that's it, thank you.
Hey.
- Hey.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's good.
- It's really loud.
Are you sure you're okay?
Where are you?
Yeah, oh, I'm at work, I'm at work.
- Oh, okay, I just thought we were gonna hang out tonight.
Yeah, no it's Jan's birthday and stuff over here.
I mean, we're going to hang out still, but.
- Oh, okay, so five, 10 minutes?
Yeah, no, I mean, I'll be there in an hour.
Give me an hour, or so.
- Oh.
It's Jan's birthday.
- Oh, okay.
And that's who is in the background?
No, that's Chastity.
- Oh.
Okay.
Hey, I got gotta go.
Jiminy tits!
- Oh.
Hello?
Ah shit, I butt-dialed her.
- Hey, bitch.
- Hey.
- Wanna go get something to eat?
- Ah, not tonight, I am beat.
I have been tired the past three days.
- Oh, my god.
Autumn, I think you might be pregnant.
- What?
- Hear me out.
You've been really tired, you've been super bloated.
- Oh my god, you noticed, too?
- Not to mention you have this amazing glow about you.
- Oh, thanks.
- And your tits are huge.
- They're really sore.
- Yeah, they look super swollen.
Hopefully it's nothing.
- It's nothing.
- But you should come over to my house.
I have extra pregnancy tests, just in case.
- You'd let me use one of your pregnancy tests?
- I want you to come over and use one of my pregnancy tests.
What if you find out that it's positive?
You need your best friend there with you.
And I mean, it's probably nothing.
- Yeah, I get like this one I have gluten.
I swell up.
- Yeah, exactly, so you probably just
ate gluten, it's totally fine.
But if it is something, we need to find out.
But then again, weight gain
is really normal around your age.
All right, well come meet me up on my car.
Hey, bitch.
I was gonna borrow your favorite shirt
to go into the color run today, okay?
Is that cool?
- Okay.
- It's probably going to get ruined.
It's the one with the tassels.
- Okay.
- Autumn, are you kidding me?
This is your favorite shirt, despite how ugly it is.
You can't just let people walk
all over you and treat you like crap.
What I meant to say, is in nine months,
you're about to have this come out of your vagina.
Do you think it's going to be easy?
Do you think it's just going to walk on out?
No, you have to force it out, Autumn, okay?
You gotta stop letting people shit on you.
Ethan shits on you, our boss shits on you.
Birds shit on you, Autumn.
Everyone shits on you, and it sucks.
So, you need to grow a pair and tell the world,
nah, nuh-uh, no, no-no.
The baby deserves to have a strong mommy,
and you have to do that.
- Okay.
- Stop fighting with me, it's bad for the baby.
- I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted.
- I'm gonna have a child.
I have to support a child.
My parents are going to be so proud now,
because not only did I not go to medical school,
I became a masseuse, got pregnant, had a child
with Ethan, and you know what?
My parents, they think I just touch people.
We go on family reunions, they say, what does Autumn do?
Oh, she touches people.
- Well, you do touch people for
your living, so they're not wrong.
Okay.
Um, excuse me?
This is a hand-blown glass coaster from Mexico.
Don't put your piss-stick all over it.
Coasters are for drinks.
- I'm sorry.
- Anyways, you need to tell Ethan.
You should call him and tell him.
Just rip it off like a band-aid.
- Oh my god, we were doing so well.
- Were you?
- You think I should call him?
- Oh yeah.
I would not tell him in person.
Oh, god no.
- Why not?
It'd make it more genuine, right?
- No, are you kidding?
Haven't you ever seen those murder mystery shows?
Women will tell their husbands that they're pregnant,
and then they wind up dead, Autumn.
No mystery there, the husbands did it.
- Oh my god, I don't want to die.
- Tell him, let him absorb it, let him calm down.
- Okay, I'll call him.
It'll be fine.
- Oh yeah, and then, you guys can live together
happily ever after, and shit like that.
- This could fix everything.
- Well, yeah, it's a good thing to be positive.
Not going to start this car until you call him.
- It's ringing.
- Yeah.
Is he answering?
- It's still ring, hello?
Hey babe.
I kind of need to talk to you about something important.
Do you mind turning it off, or muting it?
Yeah, you can turn it down.
One notch is fine.
Anyways, so, everything is fine.
I just have some really exciting news.
- Don't lie to him.
Don't lie.
- I'm pregnant.
- Did he hang up?
- No, no, it's just spotty service.
The house has horrible service across it.
In fact, the whole area.
- Yeah, okay, that's fine.
But then why isn't he calling you back?
- It's the bad service, he probably
is trying, and it won't connect.
- Okay, so you just gave him like huge life-changing news,
and he's not trying to find a good area to call you back in?
- He was preoccupied, he was in his spot.
- Oh yeah, okay.
Well, call him back.
- Okay. - It connected once before,
it should be able to connect again.
You should be able to,
- Well, unless the service is just iffy.
- Yeah, we'll see.
Sent to voicemail?
- Yeah, it's just bad service.
- Hmm.
Okay, well I guess we'll just have to go there, then.
- I am safe.
I am protected.
I am going to be okay.
I'm gonna die.
No, I'm not gonna die, I'm fine.
I am safe.
Okay.
Ethan?
No.
Ethan?
Ethan, I'm home.
Why is my stuff outside?
And this isn't everything.
Can we please talk?
We can work this out.
Can you please just let me in, and I can sit down,
and we can talk about this, and we can find out
how we can make this work, please?
I see you in there, please, can you just,
- Are you serious?
Okay.
Where's my toothbrush?
What am I supposed to do with this?
- Get in, bitch.
What's all this?
- All this is the remnants of my stuff,
along with globs of cat hair from his stupid cat.
- So, he didn't take it well?
- No, he left this outside,
and he freaking changed the locks.
- He changed the locks?
- Yes.
- Like, already?
Wow.
He changed the locks in half an hour?
I mean, even my record is 45 minutes.
He had to have had help, there's no way.
Okay, sorry, you're upset about this.
Want to talk about it?
- I have no Ethan, I have minimal stuff.
But I have a baby that somehow I'm gonna
have to provide for, and I have nothing.
I have to be a mother, and I have no freaking father.
- Fuck Ethan.
I'll be the father of your kid.
You don't need Ethan.
And fuck your stuff.
You can get new clothes and not have to wear the things
that you've been wearing for the last 10 years.
You can just completely revamp that thing you call style.
- I don't have money to mess around,
I don't have money to revamp my style.
- We're definitely taking Ethan
to court to get you some child support.
I think you're going to get more support
from Ethan by taking him to court
than you would have if he just volunteered to be the dad.
- I don't want to have to go to court.
I don't want to have to do any of that.
You know how I am in front of big groups of people.
- Yeah, you get gassy.
I know that you have a lot on your mind,
and you're probably worrying about, like,
oh, how am I going to be a good mom
when I can't even take care of myself,
and I have no car, and now I'm homeless?
- I have a lot on my mind, I don't have all my stuff,
let alone baby clothes, and I don't have any place to stay.
- You can live at my house.
I mean, not for forever.
I'll make some Pinboards about how to be a good mom.
And then maybe the two of us together can make a great mom.
Just remember the ground rules.
If you see a sock on the door, knock first, okay?
You can come in, but warning knock.
- Sock means knock.
- Sock means, I'm boning.
- Bro, oh my.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Good morning.
- Oh.
Coffee?
- Yeah.
- It's hot.
Oh.
- Well aware.
Is there any cream in this?
- No, did you want me to get you some?
- No, I actually prefer without, so it's good.
Just trying to watch the now-burning figure.
- It's Ethiopian.
- It was nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Listen, I'm just gonna head out.
- Okay. - It was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just tell Sandra,
I'll bring the cup back.
- Oh, that's nice of you.
Yeah, yeah.
- Do you want pants?
It's cold outside.
- I prefer without.
- That coffee looks so good.
It's perfect.
- Who was that?
- Who was what?
- The guy?
- What guy?
- The man, the boy.
- Oh, the boy, yeah.
After you fell asleep last night, I got bored,
and so I went over to one of the frat parties,
and I found this cute little boy.
He's so dumb.
So adorable.
- What was his name?
- Oh, good question.
Craig?
- Oh. - No, definitely not Craig.
Oh, Carlos.
Definitely, probably Carlos, yeah.
- Definitely looked like a Carlos.
I've been thinking, and really, I need to make sure
that you know how much I appreciate you.
I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't able to stay here.
So, thank you so much for letting me crash here.
- You can stay for as long as you need to, okay?
- You're amazing.
- But rent is due tomorrow.
So, if you could help out any way
that you could with that, that'd be great, 'kay?
- Oh, definitely.
- Rent's $700, so if we could just
cut it right down the middle, that'd be great.
If you need me to drive you to an ATM,
or something, I can totally do that.
- Definitely, I can do that.
- Thank you so much for offering.
- Oh, no problem.
- It means a lot.
Ooo, that's hot.
So, are you still really bummed out, really sad?
- I wouldn't call it sad at this point.
Just, every time I think of him, and I picture his face,
there's just this knot, like a deep, visceral knot.
And then, I start thinking more about him,
and then it just gets tighter.
- You're pissed off?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm pissed off.
What kind of person?
I mean, I understand commitment problems
and getting cold feet, maybe-
- No, I don't understand.
- But a child?
It's his child.
I don't like feeling like this.
I don't like feeling like this at all.
- You don't deserve it.
- No, I don't deserve it.
You know who deserves it?
He deserves it.
- He deserves to feel this way.
- He needs to feel all the pain.
He needs to feel the frustration.
He needs to miss me.
- Yeah.
- I want him to feel this way.
- Yeah, if only there was something we could do.
- Oh, we should get back at him.
- Oh my gosh, what a good idea.
- We should totally get back at him.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
But what could we do?
- I could go to his house, I could kink his hose,
and then he wouldn't be able to water his plants.
- Yeah, but we don't want to punish the plants, Autumn.
Are you a monster?
- No.
- They didn't do anything.
- We can write, you are a terrible human being,
and then stick it on his car windshield.
And then, he'll read it and internalize it.
- No, do this one again.
- Sorry.
More jelly?
- To the edges, Autumn.
- Oh.
- God.
- More surface area.
- We're human beings.
- Yeah.
- I like your idea of the whole note thing.
What if we write a note of him
threatening to bomb the White House?
- Stacy.
- Wouldn't it be funny?
We could frame him for a cold-case murder,
and then we can call the police and tip them off.
- No?
Oh, I don't know what you're going for here,
because I keep coming up with all these great ideas
and you keep just shooting them down.
- I need to make him jealous.
- Yeah, okay.
- Tinder.
I can make a fake Tinder profile.
He would see me, and then he would think I have moved on.
- Yeah, that'd be so badass and hardcore.
What if, oh my god, Autumn, seriously.
Can you pay attention to this?
This is meal prep for me, this is my lunch
for the week, and you're gonna ruin it for me.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not gonna enjoy eating these sandwiches at all.
- I could call his mom, and I could tell her
that he's been using her credit card.
- I'm feeding off of your energy,
think we're going in the same direction.
- Okay.
- So, we open a bunch of credit cards
in his name, and then max them all out.
- Okay. - Right?
- Maybe.
No, because then he would never
be able to have another house.
- So?
- No.
- Hear me out because this one, we could run
into some snags, but we upload a bunch of kiddie porn
onto Ethan's computer at work.
And then, we tip the boss, or something like that.
And then, they find it, and then he goes
to jail for a really long time.
And then, everybody knows what a douchebag is.
We'd be exposing the IP address of the kiddie porn.
Do you like it?
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Okay, so, you're in?
You're in with the kiddie porn?
- No.
No, no.
- I guess all my ideas are just too hardcore for you.
- Actually, I do have an idea.
You need to start checking your pockets.
- Oh forgot I had this.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
- My grandma's necklace.
- What about it?
- It's at Ethan's.
- Oh.
- It's the frickin' family heirloom.
She would turn over in her grave
if she knew that I lost that thing.
- You haven't lost it, you know where it is.
- I'm gonna have to go back and get it.
- No.
So, you're just going to go back over there
and ask him to give you back the necklace?
- Yeah, I'll have to go back and and see him.
- You are not ready to see him.
- No, I think that would be good.
- Let's just go ahead and role play that real quick, okay?
I'm going to be Ethan, 'kay?
You ready?
Ready, we're gonna role play?
- Okay. - All right.
Oh, hey, what's up, baby mama?
I was just jerking off, 'cause I'm a douchebag,
and, big surprise girl, I miss you,
and I want to try to work on things and have a family.
- Oh, my god.
You think he'll want me back?
What?
No.
- No, this would be perfect.
He needs to be able to see me again,
'cause that's what it is, that's what's missing.
He needs to see me right there,
in person, in the same space as him.
Then, he's gonna miss me, and then he'll want me-
- No, you don't want him back.
We should just go get it back.
Just go into the house when he's
not home and just get it back.
- That's breaking and entering.
- No. You used to live there.
- I used to.
- So, just because he changed the locks,
you don't live there anymore?
- Yes.
- This could be the perfect way to get back at him.
- Breaking in?
- He loses all his stuff, there's no way to trace it back to
you, because mine and your DNA is all over the place anyway.
So, even if they did forensics,
- Wait, why's your DNA all over there?
- 'Cause I would hang out with you
all the time, and I'm a really bad shedder.
- Yes.
- When he's at work, we'll sneak over there,
and then we can use my heist kit.
- A heist?
No, no. - And make it
look like no one ever came in.
- He does owe me a lot of money.
He kicked me out, and he owes me
a shit-ton of money, and he's got my necklace.
- What if we tunnel up through the fireplace,
and then come out when he's not home,
and then it's like we were never there.
And then, if we ever need to come back,
we have a perfectly good working tunnel.
- You don't like any of my ideas.
Okay, this one, I think you'll like.
So, we get a jackhammer, jackhammer has septic tank
so shit just comes,
out of the ground.
Ethan runs out like, oh no, what's happening?
And then, we sneak in the back door, get what we need.
We were never there.
- Stacy.
- What?
I mean, it's probably going to be gross,
but we'll wear hazmat suits.
- Where are you getting all these ideas?
- Oh, I have a whole Pinboard on how to do a heist.
- All these ideas are on the internet,
associated with your name.
- Yeah, that's what a Pinboard is.
- You know the government's gonna
start tracking your Pinboard.
You gotta be careful.
- That's why I named it, Not A Heist.
Duh.
- All right, thank you all so much
for coming to my weekend workshop.
If you've done any research, then you will know
that I am Geoffrey LeMaze III.
- You're the founder of this, it's named after you.
- I am the great-great grandson of Geoffrey LeMaze.
So, this class is a little bit different.
This is a Lamaze class.
You all have a little being inside of you,
and they're lost, and they are just searchin',
wall-to-wall, tryin' to get out of there.
They're in a little maze, I like to say.
So, we're going to assist with that.
We're going to help him or her
find their way out of your vagine.
How far along are you?
You are glowing.
- Thanks, I'm not even pregnant.
That's just my natural glow.
- Really?
Wow.
'Cause I'm feeling something.
- She brought me.
I'm pregnant.
- You're, okay.
That's great.
What about over here?
- Number four.
What?
- Let's go ahead and get started
on these breathing exercises, okay?
Let's start with the standard in and out, okay?
And out.
Good god, woman, you sound like a horror movie.
In and out.
You are doing great.
- She's usually like a really slow learner.
She got teased a lot in middle school about it.
- Yeah, that's always rough.
- If you tell me the duration that I need to inhale,
and then if I need to hold it,
do I hold it, does that affect anything?
- You're thinking too much, you're stressing out.
I see stress all around you.
- Yes.
- You need to just relax.
Just feel the breathing.
It's very natural to breathe, am I right?
- Yes. - Yes, yes.
Very good.
You know, I would think he's pregnant.
Those who are expecting, let's get in position, and those
who are supporting, let's get in our supporting position.
- What's the position?
- You are just full of questions.
Go ahead and sit in front of your partner over here.
- Like?
- Just like everybody else in the group.
You just swung right over.
Now, we are going to do, it's pretty advanced.
We are going to act like you're
actually having the baby, okay?
I can tell there's just bad energy over here.
I'm not feeling like you're pregnant.
- Bad energy?
- You focus on all the bad words, even right there.
Yes.
- I mean, in her defense, she's gonna have to raise
this baby all alone, because she's an unwed single mother.
- Ew.
Just do better, that's all.
That's all I'm saying, just do better.
What is your name?
- My name is Stacy.
- You are such a supportive friend.
I wish I was your friend.
Go and get a nice and relaxed.
It's time, the baby's coming, I'm coming, Stacy's coming.
Now,
breathe.
In.
Out.
Do you want to have the baby?
I think so.
- Do you want a baby?
No.
- Yes, the answer is yes, you're here.
You need to calm down, okay?
Calm down, no crying.
Now, push without pushing, do you understand me?
- Yeah.
- Push.
- Autumn, do it.
- Autumn, push.
- Without pushing.
- Come on, let's go, more, more push.
It's coming, it's coming.
Oh, my god.
It's a beautiful dead baby.
You killed the baby because you do not care.
You don't want to LeMaze.
He got lost and he died.
Get out.
- What? - Out.
- Okay, go.
Come back when you're ready to have a child.
- That was bullshit.
- Autumn, you never cuss.
- Sorry.
- I know, I have only been that embarrassed,
like, five times in my life.
- That was not on me.
That was not on me.
I can't believe that I would be kicked out of something.
He's so fucking weird.
- Well, yeah, I mean, he's a genius.
Of course, he's going to be a little eccentric.
Look, everyone else that goes to him
is able to have a basically-painless birth,
and you got kicked out of the class,
and you think it's a problem with him?
- Wait, Stacy, do you think it was me?
Well, I mean, I don't think you were the issue.
I just don't think maybe you were
trying as hard as you could have?
- Oh, my god, so I was the problem.
- Well, I mean, yeah.
- Well, I'm glad I'm asking you.
'cause I guess I was being really one-sided.
- It seemed like you kind of had a negative attitude.
- Oh, my god.
I was negative.
What if the negativity is coming
from the 50% Ethan demon inside of me?
That's making me negative and messing with my brain?
Hormones suck during pregnancy, but what if it's even worse,
because the chromosomes are from Ethan?
- Yeah, definitely.
I'm no scientist, but I would say that that's verifiable.
- Oh, god.
This is going to ruin my brain chemistry
and, potentially, all my relationships.
- Oh yeah.
- This baby is a parasite.
- What?
Autumn, your baby's a blessing, even if it is from Ethan.
No, don't cry again.
Don't.
Please, don't cry again, please don't.
- I'm a terrible mom
- What, no.
- I called my baby a parasite.
- No, you're not a terrible mother, yet.
We don't know that yet.
I mean, you're a terrible pregnant lady so far.
- I'm a horrible pregnant lady.
- Look, that's why we're taking these classes, okay?
You don't need to be a good mom yet.
That's why you have nine months.
- Oh, god.
Nine months, okay.
I need to distract myself right now.
I don't want to think about anything.
- And you need to stop feeling like you're alone.
Remember, I am here with you.
What did we used to talk about before the pregnancy?
- Not LeMaze.
- Oh, that gun, I'm going to get a new gun.
It's going to be like, brat-tat-tat-tat.
It's gonna be so cool.
Well, anyways, what you need to do is just focus on the baby
and stop worrying so much about yourself,
stop worrying about Ethan.
What's wrong?
- What?
What
the fuck!
He's in a relationship.
Ethan is in a relationship?
- That son of a bitch.
- That's it.
He's nuts.
No, we're doing this fucking heist.
- Really, you promise?
- He's not getting away with it.
Let's do this.
- Yeah, let's go fuck his shit up.
Oh my gosh, I almost forgot.
- What?
- There's a rager happening tonight.
- A rager?
- A party.
A shindig, a fiesta. - Oh.
So, you want to do that tonight instead of the heist?
- What?
No.
The party will be our alibi.
- Oh.
I'm not following.
- Okay, we go to this party.
Okay.
- We get into as many selfies
as we can, get on people's stories.
then we slip out, go do the heist, come back,
get documented again, and it's like, we were never gone.
- Oh, my god.
So, they think we're at the party.
- 'Cause we're actually gonna be at the party.
- Oh my god, so it's not a lie.
- We can even leave our phones at the party,
so that way there's no accessing our location.
- No tracking location, I like that, that's smart.
This is almost perfect.
One problem.
I have no idea what Ethan's doing tonight.
He might be working, but I have no idea what time.
- Let me just find the number.
All right.
- Hello?
Hi, yeah this is Ethan's girlfriend.
He's not answering his phone.
I just need to get ahold of him.
So, I was wondering if he was working right now?
Oh, he's not working 'til five?
That's right, I totally forgot.
Now I remember, yeah, he told me that
earlier when we were together.
'Til 10?
All right, thank you so much, Pamela.
Bye.
Now, all we need to do is get into our heist outfits.
- I have some really good options
that I think you will approve of.
It's this power suit-esque-type style.
Also really good on my curves.
- Okay, it looks like you're gonna be
a Catholic school girl, so no.
Next.
- Okay, so this next one, hear me out.
- Okay.
- This one is super important to me, and I think it'll bring
a really great supportive energy with me on this heist.
- Okay, can you just show it to me?
- Yes. - Right now, I feel like
I'm looking up a recipe.
- No, okay.
So, my mom gave this to me when I was-
- No, mom?
No, god no.
I hate moms, no.
Okay, so I have this jacket.
It can go,
- Autumn, is that leather?
- Yes.
- Real?
No, we are not doing a highest in another being's skin.
It's disgusting, no.
Next?
- I'm all out.
- That was all you had?
Yeah.
- Okay, don't worry.
I'll worry about the outfits, okay?
Okay, it's probably best.
- I'll have us lookin' great.
- But I have something that I can bring
to the table I think you will really enjoy.
Close your eyes.
'Kay, close your eyes. - Okay.
- You have to close your eyes for this.
Close your eyes, all the way.
- No, I know how closing your eyes works, okay?
- Good.
Okay, now wait just a second.
Okay, three, two, one.
- Are you trying to be Pat Benatar?
- As long as I don't look like Autumn
- Well no, that's the problem.
You look like Autumn trying to be Pat Benatar.
Like if somebody sees you outside of the party,
just being normal, Autumn, cool,
no big deal they'll probably forget about it.
But if somebody sees you outside of the party
wearing a bright red, conspicuous-ass wig?
They'll remember that, even if they're drunk.
They'll be like, oh yeah, fuckin' Autumn
was wearing that fuckin' ridiculous wig,
and that heist happened the same night.
How weird is that?
What a coincidence.
- Okay, but those are a bunch of drunk people.
What about cops?
If a cop were to see me.
- If a cop were to see you wearing a ridiculous wig
on the same night that a heist was pulled off?
No.
- You know, I'm not good at this.
- Didn't you get the Pinboard that I sent you?
The Pinboard called Not A Heist about the heist?
- I have my notifications turned off.
- You can't be a productive member of society
in this day and age with your notifications turned off.
One thing that I do have for outfits are these bandanas.
- Perfect. - These will disguise us,
but we can pull them down right afterwards,
and it just looks like a cute scarf.
- So, I was right on the disguise part.
And I was right about the fact
that orange does not go with your skin.
You can't pull that off.
You wear the white one.
I like white.
- You would.
What are you doing?
- For the disguise.
- We're not joining a biker gang.
This is to cover the bottom half of your face.
- Doesn't that make it hard to breathe?
- Yeah.
But it also disguises you, and then you can pull it down,
and cute, it looks like you're just wearing a little scarf.
Anyways, that is what we will be wearing, so,
thank you.
All right.
- For the heist?
You have stuff for the heist,
because we're going to make pickle sandwiches?
- What? - Cucumber sandwiches, melons?
- If a melon gets in my way
on the heist, yeah, I'll cut a melon.
- Those are heist knives, then.
- Yeah, they're to cut anything
or anyone that gets in our way.
- Why are they colored?
- Because heist knives can be cute.
You were raised in such a bubble.
I got fireworks.
- What?
What?
- Fireworks?
- Yeah, they weren't like expensive
or anything, it's no big deal.
- Okay, you know what, I was okay with the knives.
I was okay with the knives after you explained the knives,
but this, you need to explain.
- We're doing something secretive
that we don't want anybody to notice.
These, when you light them and they go bang, make a really
loud noise, and they're really bright and distracting.
So, we can set these off in case we need to.
It's only if we need to.
Don't get your panties in your ass.
- You need to promise me something.
That these will not end up under someone's car,
in someone's car, right outside their window,
in their house, in a bag with dog poop on fire,
like you probably would think of.
- Okay, well, that's a lot of restrictions
that you're giving me, but calm down, okay?
I've been lighting off fireworks since I was fuckin' three.
All right.
We are good to go.
Now, we just got to stop by the office.
- Well, it's already after hours.
We're not gonna be able to get in.
- Oh.
I always forget that other people
don't have a manager key card.
- They gave you that?
- I mean, I acquired it.
- You acquired it?
- I have Ted wrapped around my little finger,
so I'm able to get basically whatever I want.
- From Ted?
- Well, from Ted's desk.
Oh, no, no.
That looks, like, not good.
- Oh, my god, it doesn't.
- It makes you look like a clown grandma.
- You have it on.
- Yeah, but I don't look like a clown grandma.
- Ew, oh, god.
Why won't it come off?
- Oh.
- Why won't it come off?
Stacy-
- It's 45 hour lipstick.
- What?
- I paint thinner in the drawer
down there, if you wanted to get it.
That's how I take it off.
- With paint thinner?
Does it stain your lips
underneath? - Mmhmm.
- What is in this?
- I mean, it's vegan and cruelty-free, but yeah,
it gets down to the fourth layer of your skin.
We could just put the purple lipstick over the red.
- Sometimes, I wonder why my common sense
is not as good as yours.
- All right.
Good, it's still got some juice.
- That's my pepper spray from high school.
- Yeah, you said you were too afraid to use it
and you were just going to throw it away.
Why would I buy a new one?
That's a waste of money.
All right, let's go get the rest of the shit.
- It's off, okay, it's not hot, good.
- Why?
- Why a crowbar?
- Why a crowbar in this room,
and why a crowbar for the heist?
- Crowbars wedge things open.
For instance, in this office.
I get packages all the time full of massage oil, and I have
to crowbar 'em open because I don't have scissors.
So, boom, there's one could use right there.
Also for the heist specifically,
I dunno, what if we can get the door open?
I mean, I have all the faith in the world
that you're going to be able to lock-pick.
And also you don't even know, what if Ethan
has a safe you have no idea about, and we find it?
Then I can crowbar that shit open, steal that
good shit and make some real money.
It's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared.
- That, I agree with you on.
- When I'm not prepared, I get anxious.
- Me, too.
- See?
- Yeah.
- That's why you're always anxious,
because you're never prepared.
Next room.
- I just got to pee first.
- Always peeing.
- Stacy.
I'm trying to pee.
What the heck are you doing to the flowers?
- All right.
- What is that?
- This?
It's a dagger.
- Why is there a dagger in the bathroom?
You mean, why is there a easily accessible weapon
for when I'm at my most vulnerable?
I think even you could answer that, Autumn.
I just busted in here.
I could've killed you.
Heck, I've killed you five times in my imagination.
You're not helping.
- Okay, well, can you just hurry up, then?
Because I want to get to the party
to take some shots before the heist.
- You know I'm a shy pee-er.
Now it's going to take me five minutes to get started.
You're okay.
Everything's okay, you're fine.
Dammit, Stacy.
Shut the door.
Okay.
- That's Tommy Schumacher's old bat.
- Sure is, mother fucker.
Messed with the wrong 4th grader.
- Anger management, anger management.
- Okay.
Ah.
Some rope.
- Why?
- Seriously?
You don't understand why we need rope for the heist?
Okay, well, if we need to hog tie somebody.
If we get stuck on the roof and we have to repel down, okay?
I don't want to get stuck on the roof.
Do you want want to get stuck on the roof?
- No.
- I hate getting stuck on roofs, okay?
I thought that was obvious.
- No, Stacy, this time, I want to know
why the rope is in the room.
- Oh.
Duh.
Some guys can't relax unless they're tied up.
- That's how she keeps getting promoted.
- Oh, by the way, Autumn, I noticed that you were sleeping
on your back last night, and that's really bad for the baby.
- Oh, this early?
- I'm going to be this baby's daddy, 'kay?
And I've done my research made sure that I know
everything there is to know about having a baby.
- I know you have, thank you.
- All right, well, we should leave our phones
in here so that we they can't track us.
- They?
- The government, FBI, CIA, people that might want bad guys,
which is what we're going to be after we go and do this?
Can you reach into the glove box
and grab my burner phone, please?
- Your burner phone?
- Yeah, it's not a gun, it's just a burner phone.
Why are you acting like-
- Why do we need a burner phone?
- Well, in case of emergencies?
Tons of things can go wrong in a heist.
I've got a burner phone in case we need to call someone.
That's what phones are for.
- I don't want to do this.
- I don't want to fight, either.
- It's the cops, oh shit, clean up.
- What's going on?
We're got a report of a loud party.
Take your IDs out.
How long you been using?
- That's my EpiPen.
- Yeah, well, looks like drugs to me.
- Yo, let's go.
I ain't goin' back, man.
- I want you to touch the tip of your finger
to the tip of your nose, do you understand?
- Yeah.
- All right, left.
I said left.
How old are you?
- 21.
- Yeah, right.
- They're gonna shut down this party, 'cause it's getting
way too crazy in here, and then, we're out of an alibi.
- Calm down.
You're about to do that squeaky voice that I hate.
I have like a hundred dollars worth of fireworks in my bag.
You and I are going to go set these off,
and the cops will go down the street to investigate
- I could call a paddy wagon right now,
and have you all taken to jail.
But lucky for you, it's the end of my shift.
Ah.
- Oh, I love selfies.
- You're so hot, get in here.
- Oh, my gosh, Allison, you look so cute tonight.
We should totally do a selfie together.
- You do, too.
Yeah, let's put ourselves on Instagram.
Ooop.
Aaah!
- Do you see those two girls over there?
They're totally staring at us.
- Oh, you're right.
They are totally staring at us so hard.
- What is their problem?
They totally need to mind their own business.
- I don't know.
But you know what, Kristy?
I'm going to go find out.
What is your fucking problem?
Your eyes are like daggers, and they're just stabbing me
over and over and over again.
- You lookin' at her?
I haven't been looking at you.
- Can we just like be friends?
- I could see tequila shots in our future.
- Tequila, that's always a really good way to make friends.
- Mmhmm.
- You know what else, though, is really fun?
What?
- Strippers.
You should dare me to hire a stripper.
- I think that's a great idea.
Matter of fact, you can use my phone to call one.
- Thank you.
- No, no, no, Allison.
- We're getting a stripper.
- 84 episodes.
You're not going to prove me wrong.
- Richard, I'm sorry I have to do this to you,
but I'm gonna look it up.
- Yeah, ask your best friend, Google.
- Is that a camera phone?
Let's take a selfie.
Come on, get close.
Perfect, thank you so much.
- He was short, just like a bean pole, you know what I mean?
'Cause it just feels weird.
- Hey, ladies.
- Oh, no.
- Are those space pants?
'Cause your ass is out of this world.
- Wow, okay.
That's cute.
Just take all this cuteness,
and just take it right over there.
- I'll take it anywhere you want to, baby.
Ooo, short hair.
I haven't been with a short haired-chick in five chicks.
- That is totally the pickup line I wanted.
- Well then, why don't we take this
right up to the bedroom and finish it?
- You'll do anything to get in our pants, will you?
- I would do literally anything to get with you two chicks.
- Maybe try putting a keg on the roof?
- I will do a keg stand on the roof.
I'm a genius.
- Stacy.
- Oh, hey.
- How are you?
- What are you doing here?
- You're so funny.
I invited you, remember?
Oh.
You did, of course you'd be here, because.
Stacy, you are just so beautiful, you look immaculate.
You didn't have the braid in the other night, and just,
- What are you doing?
No.
- Am I not allowed to do that?
- I'm shy, I don't like PDA,
and there's tons of people here.
- I just thought we were kind of, you know.
- Oh no.
Is that dark beer you're drinking?
- I know, yeah, unfortunately.
- Cameron, you're not gonna get to those big muscles.
- It's the only thing they had in the fridge.
I can't drive, I'm not gonna go out right now.
- What if I told you, you can get six times
the drunkness with none of the calories?
- You're a liar.
- I'm not a liar.
It's called a beer enema.
You might feel a little pop.
Perfect, just relax.
You've had the equivalent of a six pack.
- Steady, steady.
- I can't really hear you,
you're kind of slurring your words.
What?
- What are you doing?
- Getting in the heist car.
- This is not your car.
- Yeah, I know, I wouldn't use
my own car for the heist car.
- What?
Like, you want me to get captured by all the cameras
at the grocery stores and the gas stations?
'Cause that would be really smart, Autumn, wouldn't it?
- What if someone reports a car stolen?
- What?
No, it's taken care of, you don't need to worry.
Pinky swear.
The party just started, nobody's even drunk yet,
which means nobody's going to come out here
and notice that this pile of shit's gone.
- It is a pretty shitty car.
- It's really shitty, it even smells shitty.
- We could be doing him a favor by taking it.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
Let's get in this shit wagon.
All right, let's grab the loot bags, the heist bag.
All right, got everything?
Yeah.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay, we're going to go sneak around back.
What are the odds it's just unlocked?
- Oh no, he never leaves it unlocked.
Okay.
- Hurry up.
Somebody's going to see us.
- This is from the Pinboard post, okay?
I actually read it.
- Okay, well, did you watch any of the videos I sent?
- There were videos?
- Autumn, unlock the fucking door.
- It's not me, it's the stupid bobby pin.
- Autumn, this was literally your one
fucking job, and you're failing at it.
- I read every step.
It's supposed to take a little bit of time.
- Well, it's not working, and it's taking forever.
- Stacy.
- Well, that worked.
- Let's start with the games.
- All of them?
- Yeah, I mean, they gotta be worth something.
And besides, you said it was Ethan's favorite thing, right?
- Mmhmm.
- So, let's make him cry.
- Hell yes.
- I mean, that's what he was always
spending all of your rent money on, so.
I think I broke something.
- Oh, and the TV?
- This? - Yeah.
- We can only take what will fit in our duffel bags.
- It's gotta be worth something.
- Well, yeah, but I don't want to be caught
if shit hits the fan carrying
this big TV, and neither do you.
- Fair point.
- Comic books, where does he keep 'em?
- Over there.
Okay, cool.
- Okay.
So, here are these stupid things.
- Wow.
- He said he didn't want to have children with me,
because these were his babies.
- Yeah, well, I told him you to ditch him a bunch of times.
- First edition, mint copies hand-wrapped,
Every single one of these, a month's rent.
- What?
- Yep, he would not pay the rent
because he had to invest in himself.
So, these are worth a month's rent, each of these?
- Uh-huh.
Screw the money, let's burn these.
- What?
No.
- Please, you love burning shit.
- They probably have only gone up
in value since he purchased them.
These are now our babies, okay?
So, as much as we would like to burn them
and film it and send it to him anonymously, we can't.
Because you have a thing growing inside of you
that is going to be coming in about eight months.
Remember, you don't have a place
to live, you don't have a car.
- Fine.
But those aren't even his pride and joy.
- There's more?
- Oh, yes.
In the glass case you will see the ones
that are protected from, well, us.
- I thought I would start to feel bad
about taking all of Ethan's shit.
- You?
- But the more and more of his stuff that we take,
the more I just feel like he deserves it.
We'll be able to buy a ton of stuff.
I can get a boob job, or a new car.
- Why not both?
- Whoa, I like the new Autumn.
You're a little badass.
- Hey, maybe I'll get a boob job.
- You can't get a boob job.
- Aw, come on.
- It makes it harder to breastfeed the baby.
No, you need to stop being so selfish.
All right, now let's go steal some more shit.
- Okay.
Okay, I really want to get all my clothes
out of the closet, then we never have to come back.
- What?
No.
We can't steal any of your fugly-ass shit.
- Why not?
- Well, for one, no burglar is going
to come in here and steal your fucking clothes.
So, he'll know it was you.
- Dammit.
- I know.
'Cause I would love to get my jacket back
that you borrowed and never gave back to me, but I can't.
- What did you just do?
- Oh, I'm redecorating.
Redecorating.
- I want to fuck with him a little bit.
Pull some pranks on him.
- I've got one.
- I would say I'm excited, but your ideas usually stink.
- Oh, it'll stink, but not the way you're thinking.
- Did you bring fart bombs without telling me?
- This little gem I have had for two months.
- Ew, is that fish?
- Yeah, it's pollock, and it's old.
And the heater's broken.
- Oh, you want to put it in the vents?
I fucking love it.
- Not only that, now we have old fish
with heat constantly running over it.
- Is that why it's hot as balls in here?
- That is correct, and that is also why
it will be hot as balls and smell like the sea.
- Who are you, and what did you do with Autumn?
- I'm the devil.
- Okay, that's kind of dorky.
- Jackpot.
Stacy.
What are you doing?
- Poking holes in Ethan's condoms?
- So he can get more chicks pregnant?
- Well, I mean, so we can get the chick
that he left you for pregnant.
- We don't hate her.
- I kinda hate her.
Okay.
You're right.
You wouldn't get as much child support.
- Well, that's one reason, other than
it being completely unethical.
- All right, fine, let's go throw these away.
We'll find something else amazing to do.
Hey, Ethan smokes, right?
Yeah, all the time, even inside. It's absolutely disgusting.
- Ew.
Cool.
- So, class today was pretty boring.
Obviously.
When is it not boring?
- Hey guys.
- Just ignore him.
- Did you hear they tried to fire the principal?
- I heard that.
- Whoa, that is
- Don't touch
the sweater, man. - Whoa, okay, okay.
- He punched a guy, once.
- I apologize, I thought it was a nice sweatshirt
and I'm just not having,
why are you guys out?
It's late.
- He smells so bad.
- I lost my car and I don't know,
- How do you lose a car?
- I walked outside and it was gone.
Now it's gone, and I don't know what to do.
- Well, can you press a little button on your keys?
- You know, make it beep. - Like an alarm.
- On my keys?
- Yeah.
- I don't have the keys now, and my car has gone.
Have you guys seen it, by any chance?
- And he's down, okay.
- I don't know what to do.
- Buddy.
Sanchez.
My name is Greg.
- Greg, okay.
Where did you come from, Greg?
- Yeah?
- A party.
Of course.
- Okay?
I just need my car, that's all I need.
- Well, color, anything, license plate?
Seafoam.
- Seafoam?
- It's a green color. I didn't choose it, okay?
- Got it, I see.
- It was my sister's.
You know, I think we saw a seafoam car.
I think it went that way?
- Yeah. - Yeah, that way.
- You just let it go?
- What are we going to do, jump on it?
- I thought you'd at least try to stop it.
- We didn't know it was your car.
- I just thought-
- Okay, Craig, whatever,
- It's Greg.
- Greg.
- What are you doing out here?
You can't drive.
You're wasted.
- You know what?
You guys aren't gonna help me, obviously.
- No.
- You're not, you're not, and you're not.
So, I am gonna go find my seafoam car.
- Seafoam.
- Forget it, you guys.
- Okay, bye.
- I stole Ethan's divine phallic symbol.
His katana.
I think it's some replica of some anime,
I don't even know, but he loves it.
- He's such an,
- He's home?
- What, no.
- Go get the bat.
- What bat?
- The bat that we broke the window to break in here, go.
Come on, go.
Behind the couch, come on.
Get down here, now.
Go, go, go.
- Yeah, I just got here.
No, just going to feed Sprinkles,
and then I'll be on my way.
All right.
- Okay, fine, I'll get you some food, geez.
- I think he's gone.
- Oh, my god.
- I thought I was going to have to stab him.
He almost lit a cigarette.
- That's what you were worried about?
Not him finding us?
- The house would've blown up
if he'd lit a cigarette.
- What?
- Oh, don't play dumb.
What did you think I was doing in the kitchen?
- Stacy.
- What?
You don't want me to put holes in the condoms, right?
- Oh, my god.
Take your bat.
- Phew.
Okay, well let's just go, that was way too close.
And apparently, he likes to come back a lot.
- Where's the fourth bag?
- We only have three bags.
- What, go, let's go, come on.
That felt so good.
- Got his katana, his stupid comics.
Both of those are gonna be
cold, hard cash for me and my baby.
Yeah, money, money, money.
- Oh, my god.
We're gonna buy a new car for me
and boobs for you. - Money, money, money.
- Yeah.
- And a new car for you, 'cause you're going to get both.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- Ooh.
Let's get a house together.
- Yes.
- Let's do it.
- That way, I can like really be a father to your child.
- You are the father of my child.
Thank god Ethan is gone.
Yes.
- Oh, my god.
You have no idea how long I prayed.
- You prayed?
- I almost became a Christian in order
to make my prayers count more.
- Oh my god, you hate Christianity.
- I just hate organized religion, period.
- So, you hate Ethan more than organized religion?
- Yeah.
I almost forgot.
- What?
- I still have Killian's keys.
- You mean Craig?
- Whatever his name is, I don't care.
Let's get back into the party.
- Okay.
- Get into as many more photos as you can.
We're gonna have a rock-solid alibi.
- I feel so free.
- Yeah, I feel alive right now.
Like that time that I did cocaine, like, so much cocaine.
Oh my god, let's go.
- So, I'd to thank you for, like, listening to my problems.
You're really a good listener.
Thank you.
- Who the fuck are you?
- What are you talking about?
- When did you fucking get here?
Why are you sitting with me?
We've been talking for like half an hour.
I'm Joe.
- No, we have not been talking.
- Maybe we should stop on this.
- No, don't touch my fucking drink, Josh.
- Joe, Joe, remember?
Maybe water?
Kick out, maybe, some of that alcohol?
- No Jim, no.
- Joe.
- Do you think anybody here is drinking water?
No, no.
Water is for fucking pussies.
Do I look like a pussy to you?
- No, you do not look like a pussy.
- No, exactly.
So, you know what sounds really good?
- What?
- Tequila shots.
Let's get some tequila shots up in here.
- You know what sounds better?
Maybe me taking you in, laying you down.
- Are you trying to sleep with me?
- No, no, no.
- Everybody, this guy's trying to have sex with me.
- No, no, no, hashtag me too movement.
- Yes he is.
- I do not want to sleep with this woman,
nor have I touched this woman.
- You don't want to sleep with me?
- You need medication or something, like pills?
Maybe that's what it is, do you need pills?
- Are you a drug dealer?
- What?
- What kind of drugs do you sell?
'Cause that changes things a lot
about what we're talking about before.
- No, I don't want to sleep with you.
I do not want to sleep with you.
We were talking, remember?
Our problems?
- Oh yeah, you know what my problem is?
Those two fucking bitches over there
have been staring at me all night.
I don't know what their problem is.
- Sorry to tell you.
I don't see no bitches.
Open your eyes, Javier.
Those fucking bitches.
- What did you do to him?
- Get his legs.
- Can't get the leg.
- Oh my god, could you guys-
He is seriously hurt, can someone get him a towel?
Someone call 9-1-1.
- Hi, 9-1-1?
There is a man, I mean-
- Looked like something was drippin' down-
- We need an ambulance.
- Hey, someone check and see if he's got
his package in the pool.
Hey, I think we should take his pants off.
- Nevermind, you guys have great service.
- Oh my god.
She really got a stripper.
- What on earth?
- Not in my,
No, not in my mouth.
Hey, you sure you got the right house?
Goddamn.
- This is awesome.
- No, not in my mouth, not in my mouth.
Dude, I thought you were vegan.
Who ordered this cop?
Somebody, please help me.
No, no, no.
- Whoa.
Woo.
All right, now we should take his pants off.
- I was so freaking scared when that happened right then.
Oh my god, is that Chris?
It's Craig.
Whatever.
- Is he dead?
- I mean, he could be.
He had the equivalent of 36 beers
in five minutes, all up his ass.
Well, what luck for us?
How serendipitous.
- Wait, can we check and see if he's
breathing?
- Well, he moved, so.
- Well, that's a good sign.
- He looks so cute when he's passed out.
- Thank god he's not dead.
- All right, well let's get home and change our clothes
and get some coffee, or something.
Are you able to use my cup though?
- I think I can do that, sure.
- Okay, cool, just trying to save the earth.
- I have to admit last night was kind of fun.
- Well, I thought so too.
It wasn't my favorite heist that I've ever done.
But I fucked over the person that I hate the most.
- You hate Ethan the most?
- Yeah.
I mean, I love you the most, Ethan's a dick
to you, so I hate him the most.
I'm just glad that you did this.
I did this.
- Yeah.
- If we ever pull off another
heist again, which I'm not condoning
- Only 13% of burglaries are ever solved.
- I really hope it's not another one of my boyfriends.
- Sell the comic books.
- Okay.
- And then, we can get you possibly like your own place.
Not that I don't love you staying with me, but yeah.
- I can't believe you got me to do this.
- I'm a deep well of surprises, Autumn.
- You're so manipulative.
- What? - Yes.
- I'm not manipulative.
I'm persuasive, okay?
And that happens to be a really high-quality trait
that only charismatic people have.
Bad people are manipulative, and I'm decent as fuck.
- Ethan could put two and two together, though.
That's what I'm worried about.
What?
- Yes.
- You got Ethan a lot of credit
as a human, but he's not very smart.
Like, really not smart.
- I know.
That's why I'm worried about this poor child.
- Yeah.
They took all my games and all of my comics.
Shouldn't you be writing this down, or something?
So, you're telling me somebody's risked
going to prison to break into your home
to steal a Super Nintendo that's worth maybe ten bucks?
- Yeah, look around.
You should be fingerprinting and shit, anyway.
- What the hell is this?
What is that?
- Yeah.
Did you guys bring that in here with you?
That's not my bag.
Sure, it isn't.
It's good.
Yeah, I'm going to need a transport for one.
I have a narcotics bust.
- No, you don't.
It's not a bust.
You guys suck.
- No, you shut up.
No, you're the cutest.
Yeah, okay, no, I'll see you later.
Ugh, it's smells cat shit in here.
- It is.
- What?
- So, I got sick of Roy's shit.
- Wait, who's Roy?
- We work with him, we've worked with him for five years.
- Oh, tall pervert guy?
- Yes.
- Oh, okay. - Yes.
- Now I know who you're talking about.
- I made him a cat shit burrito.
- Oh, 'cause he's always taking your burritos?
- Yes.
- And you thought of this all by yourself?
- Mmhmm.
- Oh my god, wow.
- Wait a minute.
Who were you on the phone with?
- Oh.
Greg.
- You mean Craig?
- No.
It turns out you've been saying
his name wrong the whole time.
It's Greg with a G, not Craig,
like how you've been saying it.
- Silly me.
- But don't worry. I won't tell him
that you didn't know his name for a really long time.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. - I appreciate that.
- We've been going steady now for about a week.
- You're going steady with someone?
- He asked me to be his official girlfriend.
- What?
- Yeah, all proper-like, so,
I dunno. - Okay.
- Yeah, it's just weird.
Like, when I look at him, I don't see
just a pole that I can climb.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, sexually, like a poll that I can get down on?
- I follow.
- I just wasn't sure if you got the-
- Yes. - Sexual.
- Yes, I did. - Just wanted to make sure.
When he talks, I hear him.
- Aw.
- He says these ideas, and they're so dumb.
They're the worst ideas.
But I'm hearing them.
- You're listening.
- Yeah.
- You listen to someone.
- Yeah.
Well, shut up, no.
Stop, we're done. - Look at you.
- What are you doing with that clipboard?
- Well, two things.
Number one, I wrote up everything that Roy owes me.
- Wait.
This is $1,000.
- Compounded interest, though.
- Yikes.
Well, he deserves it.
Five years of borrowing dollars from you.
- Adds up.
- You're just like really standing up
for yourself, and I love it.
You have, like, a backbone now.
You're like a whole new woman.
- Go on.
- No, that's all I had.
- Okay. - But I'm proud of you.
I can't believe it.
Whoa.
- The next part of it was,
I'm almost done packing up all my stuff.
- Oh.
I don't like that.
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
It's just, whenever you talk about moving out,
it just makes me feel, like,
- Down?
- Yeah, like I'm sad.
I don't want you to leave.
- You're gonna miss me.
- No, I'm just, I'm not, no, stop it.
No, I'm not gonna miss you.
Just, it's nice having you around sometimes.
- Aw.
- And you're not gonna be here anymore.
- No, I'll still come back.
- Like, all the time?
- As much as possible.
- Okay, so I mean, twice a day is very easily possible.
- You're my best friend, of course I'm gonna be here.
- Okay.
- And you're also the father of my child.
So, I'm going to be around a lot.
- Yeah.
I gotta get going.
- Oh, before you do, I need that necklace you borrowed.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, I put it in your drawer.
So. - Oh.
You know, I'm surprised you actually returned it.
- I know, right?
Like, I'm becoming a good person and shit.
Wow, I'm going to be late,
and I don't like to be late anymore.
Not even fashionably.
Stacy.
What, oh, what's that?
- What is this prank pregnancy test?
- What, how should I know?
You can't prove that's mine.
I don't know.
- Don't leave.
- No, I gotta.
What?
- Did you use this prank pregnancy test for me to pee on?
- I'm sorry, okay?
I had a really good reason to, though.
I figured, if you got pregnant that Ethan would dump you,
and then you would have to realize like how amazing you are,
and you will grow into this awesome person, which you did.
So, my plan worked.
- You planned all of this?
No, I mean, not all of it.
I didn't know that we were gonna be doing a heist.
That was just a fun, little extra thing.
But yeah, everything else, I planned it.
- Do you realize how much stress this put me through?
My cortisol levels are so high
that it induced pregnancy-like symptoms.
- Okay, well I'm sorry, but in my defense, I wasn't
thinking about your feelings at all when I planned this.
At least you have all this newfound confidence.
And that's because of me.
I did that for you.
Anyways, you seem really angry.
- Yes.
- So, I'm just gonna give you some time to simmer,
and I'll come back, and we can talk about it later?
And I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Even if there's a really good reason,
I won't do it again, I promise-
- Go.
- And you don't even look half-bad in that shirt.
Love you.
Don't be mad at me.
- Stacy!
- Where is it?
Open.
Two, three.
No, I can't be pregnant.
It's probably menopause, early, early menopause.
Come on.
Son of a bitch.
- I want you to take all your tension,
close your eyes with me.
Pretend you're on a fluffy cloud with puppies.
- I can't have puppies on the cloud with me.
- For this massage to work you need to be quiet, okay?
Okay, you're on a deserted island
with only hot guys surrounding you,
and they have mimosas and they are fanning you.
- Keep going.
- It has rotating wheels that wheel
around your body, relieving tension,
which actually will help you release toxins.
- That sounds like gobbeldy-gook to me.
- Okay, so this is actually a vibrating tool, that-
- Really? - Mmhmm.
Yeah, doesn't that feel good?