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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX原創喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎麥克麥金泰

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‎大娛樂家

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‎各位先生女士，請歡迎

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‎麥克麥金泰

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‎好啊

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‎大家晚安

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‎歡迎…

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‎歡迎觀賞我的Netflix特輯

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‎來吧

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‎謝謝

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‎坦白說，我本來想要…

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‎改善體態

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‎以示敬業

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‎我有這個打算，結果沒發生

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‎我本來不打算提的，但這套西裝

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‎是我在一年前

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‎量身打造的

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‎可惜我的身體起了變化

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‎衣服變得有點緊

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‎我發現我想做表達

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‎想打手勢，就不能高於這裡

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‎我今晚想要表達

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‎就得在底下比畫

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‎因為我雙手舉高時

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‎就開始了

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‎外套咪咪，各位

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‎外套太緊就會出現…

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‎這種悲慘的副作用

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‎我的臉有點腫

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‎我的臉目前有點腫

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‎很不幸，由於臉腫

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‎我碰到幾個問題

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‎我大概在一年前買了一支手機

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‎新iPhone有人臉辨識功能

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‎你入手後將臉對準

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‎它會繪製你的臉部並記住你

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‎每次你用臉對著，手機就會解鎖

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‎不用密碼，照臉就行了

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‎現在，我的手機已經不能辨識…

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‎我的肥臉了

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‎它一副不屑的樣子
‎“這個死肥賊是誰

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‎你是偷了麥克的手機嗎？”

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‎我可以解鎖，但我得這麼做

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‎因為我年事漸增，我跟我太太同齡

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‎有些小地方開始起變化
‎我原本有多年都好好的

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‎但現在悄悄起了變化
‎也不完全是老化的關係

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‎就是有些小差異

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‎比方說，我們沒辦法熬夜
‎時間到就昏倒

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‎每晚…9點半對我們就算晚了

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‎我們會累癱

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‎你打開Netflix
‎不是都會“咚咚”兩聲嗎？

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‎那是我跟我太太的頭
‎撞到枕頭昏倒的聲音

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‎我們撐不過去

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‎還有一件事也開始了

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‎說起來並不光彩

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‎我頗難過我還不算老就碰到這種事

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‎不是夜夜如此啦

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‎但我已經開始偶爾會

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‎在半夜醒來想尿尿

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‎這是悲慘的進展

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‎有位老先生鼓掌了

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‎也太搞笑了

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‎“朋友，我陪你一起走過”

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‎我的膀胱以前都沒問題

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‎跟在場的眾多青春膀胱一樣
‎我晚上去睡覺時

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‎會說：“膀胱，晚安”，我的膀胱會說

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‎“阿麥，晚安，睡得香甜”
‎“我會的”

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‎我早上醒來，我的膀胱會說：“喂

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‎膀胱都積滿了，但無須驚慌

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‎你下次經過廁所時，我再清空就行

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‎你不用慌，也不用急

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‎吃點早餐、喝個果汁

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‎用點冰沙、茶、咖啡，隨便

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‎麥片、再加牛奶，無所謂，我可以

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‎起碼能撐到中午”

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‎情況變了

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‎現在，我在半夜睡死的時候

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‎我的膀胱會傳訊息到我的大腦

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‎讓我做尿床的夢

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‎用這種方式叫醒我

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‎我做起常見的焦慮夢境

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‎我又回到學校

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‎考卷還沒訂正

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‎總之就是怪夢，結果我往下一看

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‎我還尿褲子，害我整個驚醒

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‎我有尿褲子嗎？

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‎我往下一看，膀胱說：“就快了

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‎我們現在就得去，快點起來！”

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‎然後你賴在床上：“我不想起來

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‎現在是凌晨三點，我不想”

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‎你不斷抗拒，但你的膀胱很堅持

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‎“你恐怕得起來，底下情況危急

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‎我覺得我頂不住”

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‎這得牽扯到下床、繞過床

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‎走出房門、進入另一頭的浴室
‎對嗎？

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‎繞床是因為我老婆睡在靠門那邊

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‎她睡那邊

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‎我睡這邊，她睡那邊

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‎我們已經維持20年了

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‎我們永遠也不會換邊睡

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‎你有換到你伴侶那邊睡過嗎？

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‎感覺怪到不行

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‎“房間是同一個
‎但從這邊看起來超怪

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‎我不喜歡”

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‎所以我得繞過床

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‎而且不能把我老婆吵醒

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‎我老婆半夜醒來會睡不回去

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‎她會怪我，並因此起床

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‎“你幹嘛把我吵醒？
‎你這麼大聲幹嘛？”

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‎所以我千萬不能把她吵醒
‎還有，她半夜醒來的話

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‎她就會去用手機

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‎表示她就會去買鞋子

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‎她瘋狂買鞋

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‎用手機線上購物

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‎她在泡澡時買鞋

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‎在等紅燈時買鞋

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‎連坐雲霄飛車也買過鞋

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‎她成癮了

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‎這讓我大失血

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‎我來稍微說明一下慘況好了

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‎前天晚上，我在床上用筆電

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‎她在我旁邊玩手機

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‎小孩也在房間用平板電腦

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‎電視機在我們前面開著

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‎這是美妙的現代家庭景象

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‎我們一家人沒有不聊天

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‎有時通訊軟體響起
‎我們會討論是誰的手機在叫

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‎“砰”，“是你嗎？我覺得是我”
‎“我想妳的手機響了”

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‎“謝謝，你說得對”
‎接著我們又各自埋首裝置

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‎我那時正在使用網銀

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‎我能即時看到錢從戶頭流失

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‎每次我刷新，銀行的餘額就變少

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‎“老婆，妳這時間在買鞋？”

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‎“老公，這些鞋子太美啦
‎我非買不可

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‎你不開心就別刷新”

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‎“拜託，留點錢到早上用”

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‎所以我不能把她吵醒，這樣會大失血

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‎我得偷偷摸摸繞過去上廁所

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‎做到並不容易，因為那是木頭地板

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‎我從來沒發現我們的地板會吱吱叫

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‎直到我大半夜躡手躡腳走過

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‎我從來沒在白天注意到地板會有聲音

146
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‎我的腳…

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‎在夜深人靜一踏下床

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‎我就看到我老婆邊睡邊騷動

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‎她的手下意識伸向手機

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‎“不行”

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‎我想找到沒聲音的位置

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‎“操”

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‎後來，我直接用跑的

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‎在半夜，什麼都會發出聲音
‎通通都會

155
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‎我原本不知道…

156
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‎我們有抽風扇

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‎我是半夜開始去尿尿才知道

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‎我進廁所後，把燈打開

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‎為何要抽風？我根本還沒開始

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‎它大聲到不像話，會把我老婆吵醒

161
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‎而且那不是兩個開關
‎沒有一個負責開關燈

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‎一個負責開關…

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‎抽風扇

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‎它們走同一條電路

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‎如果想開燈，風扇也會打開

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‎這絕對會吵醒我老婆

167
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,880
‎也就是我尿尿時…

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‎必須摸黑

169
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,520
‎由於聲音是最大的關鍵

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‎你得格外注意

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‎因為你等著聽到嘩拉聲

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‎但你不能朝水裡尿

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‎那太大聲了

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‎會把我老婆吵醒

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00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,360
‎所以你等著聽到水聲，然後立刻退開

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‎對著水周圍的盆座尿

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‎對，晚上尿尿就是這樣

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‎摸黑解尿

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‎你有時尿著尿著會聽到聲音變了

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‎“我想那是地板，我尿到地板上了

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‎我過火了”

182
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,240
‎然後你把燈打開

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00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,880
‎“對，我尿到地板上了”

184
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,880
‎你只好拿出衛生紙

185
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‎往下一丟

186
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,040
‎開始用腳拖地

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‎把你在浴室地板上的尿擦乾淨

188
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,160
‎“麥克，你生活如意嗎？”
‎“我得在凌晨3點20分

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00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,160
‎用腳擦尿

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‎除此之外，我生活很如意”

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‎然後我得回床上

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‎我一踏進臥房
‎看到我老婆的臉在發光

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‎手機

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‎簡直像恐怖電影

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‎你從她的眼珠看得到鞋子的倒影

196
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,600
‎“麥克，你非得這麼大聲不可嗎？

197
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,920
‎我上網買了三雙鞋了”

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‎該死

199
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,000
‎那泡尿花了我6百英鎊

200
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,280
‎稅金另計

201
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,800
‎我都想插導尿管省錢了

202
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,920
‎我開始做一件事…

203
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,880
‎我有個好建議

204
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,880
‎我睡覺前都會來個發泡錠

205
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:34,000
‎然後尿液會在黑暗中發光
‎讓我將周遭看得一清二楚

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00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,640
‎但我已經漸漸摸清地板哪邊會叫了

207
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,600
‎我下床時知道要避開哪些地方

208
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,080
‎我愈來愈行了

209
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,800
‎我想我會隨著年紀增長會更厲害

210
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,560
‎等到我80歲，就會變成極限體能王

211
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,440
‎半夜偷尿老人高手

212
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,720
‎到那種年紀只剩一兩滴尿

213
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,600
‎然後赫然發現
‎我不小心尿在客房的櫃子

214
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,560
‎但這件事還早著

215
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,400
‎不過棒的是

216
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:29,680
‎大半夜起床尿尿唯一的好處是

217
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,880
‎這讓我有機會趁老婆睡覺時

218
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,120
‎調整臥房的溫度

219
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,880
‎因為她睡覺時喜歡極地溫度

220
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,760
‎她睡覺都要開窗

221
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,000
‎然後說那是“室溫”

222
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,640
‎我說：“老婆，那不是室溫

223
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,280
‎如果窗戶開著

224
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,840
‎那是院子的溫度”

225
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,760
‎我們不如搭帳篷睡外面

226
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,480
‎冷死人了

227
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,080
‎“可以關窗開暖氣嗎？”

228
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,040
‎“不行，臥房不能開暖氣

229
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,720
‎會害我們喉嚨痛”

230
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,680
‎“我的喉嚨是滿痛的

231
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,520
‎裡面都結冰柱了”

232
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,800
‎但我不介意，她喜歡怎樣都行

233
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,640
‎畢竟我們一起生活

234
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,960
‎如果她愛冷死人，我多蓋件毯子就好

235
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,040
‎沒關係，我的問題在於

236
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,560
‎她跟溫度的關係一點道理都沒有

237
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,800
‎她為什麼喜歡臥房凍死人

238
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:31,880
‎卻愛泡史上最滾燙的澡？

239
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,840
‎岩漿跟我老婆的泡澡水溫度差不多

240
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,120
‎她泡澡時，整間房子煙霧瀰漫

241
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,320
‎人開車經過我們這條路都得開除霧燈

242
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,320
‎“這棟房子是怎麼回事？”

243
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,800
‎她還會透過蒸氣大喊

244
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,920
‎“麥克，你想接著用泡澡水嗎？”

245
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,520
‎“用來幹嘛？煮麵條？

246
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,440
‎才不要”

247
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:58,800
‎危險啊

248
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,920
‎我們都有過經驗

249
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,640
‎我們都進過滾燙的浴缸

250
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,960
‎這通常是自己的錯，我們太猴急了

251
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,120
‎我們先放熱水，再放冷水

252
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:15,840
‎我們猴急不等確定水溫適中

253
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,360
‎你就認為“應該沒問題”

254
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,080
‎你出門忙了一天回家後

255
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,480
‎你通常用腳踩進去就知道了

256
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,640
‎你腳一放進去就開始哎哎叫

257
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,000
‎“水有點燙喔”

258
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,600
‎但你通常要進入浴缸後才會驚覺

259
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,880
‎你進入浴缸後，身體慢慢往下

260
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,440
‎因為你需要一點時間

261
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:38,040
‎雙腳快燙熟這件事

262
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,880
‎才會到達你的大腦

263
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,440
‎好讓你知道這件事

264
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,000
‎因為要傳過去真的挺遠的

265
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,880
‎所以你身體邊往下邊想著

266
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,880
‎“事情感覺不太對勁喔”

267
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,840
‎然後你赫然發現

268
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,160
‎你只有一瞬間能決定要留還是要走

269
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,480
‎你大多時候會說
‎“不行，老天，我沒辦法”

270
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,480
‎然後你光著身子杵在浴室

271
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:09,800
‎你往下看，兩隻腳又紅又痛

272
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,640
‎“看看我對自己做的好事”

273
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,280
‎接著你得放掉熱水，才能加冷水

274
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,280
‎這就得犧牲你的手臂

275
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,360
‎你得伸手拉塞子

276
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,880
‎伸手取塞，非常危險

277
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,800
‎你看著手臂彷彿在說
‎“這會痛，抱歉

278
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:27,840
‎你要保重”

279
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,920
‎有時你撈不到，你想說
‎“我的手臂可能會殘廢”

280
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,440
‎但在場的勇者

281
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,960
‎今晚，在場有很多人跟我一樣

282
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,560
‎會盤旋划水

283
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,160
‎也就是你進入浴缸

284
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,640
‎雖然很燙

285
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,280
‎但你會在水面盤旋

286
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,880
‎把冷水打開，開始拼命划水

287
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,080
‎“可以改變的，愈來愈好了

288
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,040
‎勇敢一點…”

289
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,320
‎然後你內心清楚

290
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,120
‎“該轉向了，快點

291
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,280
‎愈來愈好了，加油”

292
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,520
‎接著你要測試水如何了

293
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,560
‎可以整個浸下去了嗎？

294
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:18,760
‎你會用屁股試探，你選擇用屁股

295
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,520
‎你的屁股就只要浸下去

296
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,560
‎看看水好了沒

297
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:30,240
‎很不幸，我在這時忘了自己有卵蛋

298
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,560
‎也不能說是我忘了

299
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,240
‎是角度垂盪的關係

300
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,240
‎也就是現在最接近水面的

301
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,000
‎是我的卵蛋，不是屁股

302
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,840
‎而且你還沒想到

303
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,840
‎這是人體最敏感的部位

304
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,720
‎說實話，你最不可能用這個部位

305
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,360
‎來自願測試

306
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,400
‎滾燙的熱水

307
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,280
‎沒人會端茶給我說：“麥克

308
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,600
‎這杯茶可能有點燙”

309
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,360
‎“朋友，我們馬上就知道了”

310
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,040
‎“你說得對

311
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,440
‎再加點牛奶

312
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,040
‎一點點就好

313
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,000
‎我剛剛用我千錘百鍊的卵蛋測試過了

314
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,040
‎我的朋友”

315
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,480
‎這種活讓人口渴

316
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,600
‎讓人口乾舌燥

317
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,720
‎這是瓶裝水

318
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,720
‎他們因為廣告嫌疑撕掉標籤

319
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,240
‎因為他們擔心Netflix的觀眾

320
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,560
‎會想要擁有我的帥樣

321
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,560
‎你能想像嗎？“他喝的是什麼？”

322
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,120
‎當然是依雲囉

323
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,720
‎如果你不知道，依雲有這句
‎“青春泉源，依雲”

324
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,640
‎中產階級就愛瓶裝水

325
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,480
‎這是無色無臭無味的液體

326
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,560
‎不管你買哪個牌子，味道都一樣

327
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,280
‎拜品牌行銷之賜
‎大家居然有自己的喜好

328
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,560
‎“我愛芙絲”，“我愛斐濟”
‎“我愛巴克斯頓”

329
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,480
‎“我只喝高地之泉”

330
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,200
‎這都是水

331
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,880
‎他們還會暴怒，你一定在餐廳看過

332
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,520
‎服務生過來問：“需要飲料嗎？”

333
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,680
‎“對，麻煩給我們水
‎水就好，不用有氣泡”

334
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,040
‎有時服務生會說：“一般的水？”

335
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,520
‎可怕的時刻來了

336
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,240
‎他就像是說了：“髒水？

337
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,360
‎我去人行道舀一點來，剛剛下過雨”

338
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,320
‎很多人會大暴怒

339
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,960
‎“不好意思，這是什麼話？

340
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,760
‎你是想毒死我跟我的小孩嗎？

341
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,760
‎懂不懂尊重人啊
‎你以為我付不起瓶裝水？

342
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,680
‎麻煩給我們依雲之類的

343
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,920
‎瓶身有一座山，看了讓人心安

344
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,760
‎誰要你噁心的一般水

345
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,960
‎誰知道你水龍頭、水塔跟管線的狀態

346
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,840
‎太噁心了吧，你的水塔爬滿老鼠

347
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,120
‎循環使用了幾百年的水

348
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,960
‎還敢拿給我喝？太噁心了”

349
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:18,600
‎“要加冰塊嗎？”

350
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,520
‎“要，你能冷凍糞水
‎然後加進瓶裝水嗎？

351
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,640
‎因為我們沒有想清楚

352
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,440
‎我們喜歡慢慢死

353
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:34,120
‎將有毒的老鼠水
‎慢慢注入純淨的依雲”

354
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:43,000
‎我斷斷續續巡演一陣子了

355
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,520
‎我在全世界盛大巡演

356
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,960
‎我想最後一站能回家鄉讓人興奮

357
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,680
‎因為我去過遙遠的地方

358
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,200
‎最遠的是離英國不能再遠的地方

359
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,920
‎那就是紐西蘭

360
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,040
‎紐西蘭…

361
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,760
‎對，紐西蘭很棒，我愛紐西蘭

362
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,040
‎從英國過去要24小時

363
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,600
‎然後你一天的生命就憑空消失
‎很離譜

364
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,240
‎時差也不是蓋的

365
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,000
‎我在紐西蘭的奧克蘭降落時想說

366
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,280
‎我得盡快調整到該時區

367
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,400
‎所以我拉出手錶的錶圈

368
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,120
‎對空服員說：“這邊差幾個小時？

369
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,160
‎我想調到新時區
‎這邊時差幾小時？”

370
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,920
‎她說：“早12個小時

371
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000
‎紐西蘭的時間提早12小時

372
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,880
‎紐西蘭會早12小時”

373
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,360
‎所以我開始調手錶轉12小時

374
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,480
‎我從眼角餘光發現
‎她看我一副我是白癡的樣子

375
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,520
‎我想說：“她有事嗎？閃一邊去吧”

376
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,480
‎等我轉到8時才突然明白

377
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,120
‎“對喔，我要降落的地方

378
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,600
‎跟出發的地方一樣”

379
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,320
‎為了不要出糗，我把它調回去

380
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,440
‎“謝謝，這樣就可以了

381
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,680
‎謝謝妳的協助”

382
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,200
‎紐西蘭人確實是這麼說話

383
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,080
‎像這樣用嘴巴前部說話

384
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,120
‎說得又快又急

385
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,760
‎基本上，他們直接改掉母音

386
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,720
‎他們跟母音的關係很奇特

387
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,560
‎他們碰到母音時會改成別的音

388
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,360
‎然後用那個音，他們都這樣

389
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,200
‎澳洲人就不太一樣，澳洲人慢多了

390
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,360
‎他們不疾不徐

391
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,840
‎事實上，澳洲人愛母音

392
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:28,160
‎他們碰到母音會這樣
‎“我們不走了

393
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,640
‎沒有必要

394
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,840
‎急著把這句話說完，朋友

395
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,600
‎我們就停留在母音吧”

396
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,400
‎但紐西蘭的重點在於改變母音

397
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,040
‎我有過一段小插曲

398
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,160
‎就是母音改變的關係

399
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,120
‎我就挑明說了，這挺下流的

400
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,200
‎可是很好笑

401
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,360
‎我在奧克蘭的飯店辦理住房

402
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,040
‎櫃檯人員想跟我介紹飯店的新泳池

403
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,760
‎那蓋在六樓，六

404
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,320
‎六樓

405
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,280
‎泳池周圍是木頭地板

406
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:06,760
‎請注意發音

407
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,800
‎那裡叫做“木頭地板”

408
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,840
‎電梯的按鍵就叫“木頭地板”

409
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,280
‎我辦理住房時，她說

410
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,240
‎“麥金泰先生，您入住期間

411
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,560
‎會去用‘老二’嗎？”

412
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,680
‎“這是什麼驚人的假設”

413
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,440
‎她說：“性愛樓層有很棒的大鵰”

414
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,600
‎“性愛樓層有很棒的大鵰？”

415
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,640
‎這是什麼鬼地方？

416
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,440
‎她說：“大鵰可以逗留”

417
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,800
‎“才不可以”

418
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,520
‎“小心，大鵰可能有點滑溜，很硬”

419
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,400
‎“拜託妳別亂說話”

420
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,800
‎我在紐西蘭時，順道去了澳洲

421
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,640
‎澳洲風景優美，我愛澳洲人

422
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,680
‎他們很和善

423
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,080
‎在場有幾位澳洲朋友
‎歡迎，我愛他們

424
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,600
‎我愛澳洲人，熱情又樂天

425
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,760
‎你能來就讓他們感激涕零

426
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,200
‎“不會吧，你大老遠跑來”，超讚的

427
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,360
‎那是度假勝地，風景美麗

428
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,040
‎海灘很美，景色壯麗

429
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,120
‎唯一的問題是，不好意思

430
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:24,120
‎鯊魚把那裡當自己的家

431
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,600
‎牠們會繞行澳洲

432
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,560
‎等待澳洲人下水

433
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,560
‎結果你知道嗎？

434
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,320
‎澳洲人果然一直下水

435
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,360
‎我跟幾個澳洲朋友去了海灘

436
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,680
‎他們說：“阿麥，要不要游泳？
‎來休閒消暑一下？

437
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,680
‎來游泳，今天下水很舒服”

438
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,040
‎“我想不用了，我這樣就行”

439
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,000
‎“為什麼不要？”

440
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:46,760
‎“為什麼不要？”

441
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:50,000
‎“因為水裡有鯊魚啊”，“是啦

442
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,000
‎不是每次都有”

443
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:52,680
‎“我想

444
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,600
‎光是有過一次就不用了”

445
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,880
‎“別這樣，阿麥，人生還是要過啊”

446
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,280
‎“對，直到嘎然而止

447
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,680
‎今天可能就會碰到鯊魚攻擊”

448
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,720
‎他說：“被車撞的機率還比較大”

449
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,960
‎“我游泳時當然不會有車撞我
‎我待在海灘就行了”

450
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:13,760
‎“我要待在這裡

451
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,800
‎用別的辦法消暑”

452
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,920
‎我在澳洲時

453
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,960
‎很不幸，我的確看到一位男士…
‎這件事不好笑

454
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,480
‎他沒事

455
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,840
‎發生鯊魚攻擊事件

456
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:27,840
‎但他沒事

457
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,360
‎他只是手臂被咬，挺難看的

458
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:32,640
‎我不該笑的

459
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:38,120
‎我想說的是我真誠相信

460
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,000
‎這場鯊魚攻擊事件不會發生

461
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,600
‎只要他不下水就行

462
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,280
‎他躺在醫院病床上

463
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,120
‎接受新聞採訪，有個記者在他的床尾

464
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,680
‎他的手臂吊起，脖子圈了護頸

465
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,840
‎記者說：“方便的話

466
00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:00,360
‎您能跟我們說明經過嗎？”

467
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,240
‎他說：“好，我只是…

468
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,360
‎我只是在衝浪

469
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,800
‎然後鯊魚就這樣…

470
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,800
‎平白無故冒出來”

471
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:16,240
‎並不是

472
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,480
‎鯊魚是在牠的自然棲地

473
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,960
‎是你才平白無故冒出來

474
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,000
‎自願當小點心

475
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:31,440
‎裝盤奉上，浪板就是餐盤

476
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,840
‎別下水了

477
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,880
‎他在醫院病床上的訪問可不是這樣

478
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:45,320
‎“我在墨爾本四樓公寓的家中

479
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,400
‎把洗碗機的碗盤拿出來

480
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,240
‎我拉出上層層架要放馬克杯進去

481
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,360
‎這條鯊魚平白無故冒出來

482
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,760
‎攻擊我的手臂”

483
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,360
‎“我搭國內線要去阿得雷德

484
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,640
‎我往飛機外一看
‎機翼上有一條該死的鯊魚”

485
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,560
‎我要嘗試一個口音
‎大家或許注意到我會嘗試口音

486
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,200
‎我喜歡口音，不管你走到世界的哪裡

487
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,760
‎那些人會衍生出獨特的說話方式

488
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,000
‎我不知道這是怎麼開始的

489
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,200
‎沒人知道這是怎麼演變的

490
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:21,960
‎這些口音很好聽，比方義大利

491
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,160
‎義大利口音好美，他們說話超好聽

492
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,280
‎我不知是怎麼演變的，但這絕對是…

493
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,200
‎最性感的溝通方式

494
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,320
‎就是操著義大利口音，好性感

495
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320
‎大家都愛我說話的方式

496
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,640
‎對嗎？

497
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,360
‎法國人聽起來有點不爽
‎但還是挺酷的，他們說話就是這樣

498
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,680
‎在全世界的口音當中

499
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,240
‎我覺得有一個可能該改一改

500
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,400
‎我不是要損在場可能來自那裡的觀眾

501
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,760
‎但我覺得北愛爾蘭口音要改

502
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,120
‎那裡的人到底是怎麼回事？

503
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,120
‎這個口音不好學

504
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,440
‎北愛爾蘭的人決定

505
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,000
‎最好的溝通方式

506
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,440
‎是抵著喉嚨說話，像這樣

507
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,520
‎擠出聲音就對了，那裡什麼也沒有

508
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,680
‎有時你根本聽不懂他們在說什麼

509
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,520
‎“我要用北愛爾蘭口音擠出聲音來

510
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,840
‎我們要…你們在這裡幹嘛？”

511
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,560
‎“我連你在這裡幹嘛都不知道”

512
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,280
‎這是怎麼開始的？因為嬰兒會這樣

513
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,160
‎“不對，這樣才對

514
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,960
‎好嗎？想留下來就得照辦”

515
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,760
‎要抵著後面，他媽的很後面

516
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:37,680
‎北愛爾蘭口音
‎也讓我唯一能在別人打噴嚏時

517
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,560
‎分辨他們是哪裡人

518
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:42,680
‎聽噴嚏聲會知道

519
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,840
‎我在杜拜機場時
‎有個人坐在我旁邊打噴嚏

520
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:55,600
‎“哈啾”

521
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,720
‎老天爺

522
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,400
‎“你是北愛爾蘭人嗎？”

523
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,240
‎“對，伯發斯特來的”

524
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:05,760
‎“我想也是”

525
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,200
‎那裡很好玩，很棒的地方

526
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,200
‎我在伯發斯特有過幾場精彩演出
‎觀眾很棒、很熱情

527
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,320
‎大家都很有人情味

528
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,360
‎我去的時候有空閑

529
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,720
‎所以我去了當時與現在都是

530
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:21,280
‎他們最成功的觀光景點

531
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:22,880
‎在全北愛爾蘭排名第一

532
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,360
‎那個地方叫鐵達尼區

533
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,080
‎鉅細靡遺介紹鐵達尼號建造過程

534
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,520
‎它在伯發斯特建造

535
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,160
‎這件事讓他們特別地…

536
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,120
‎驕傲

537
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,040
‎他們彷彿不知道鐵達尼號的下場

538
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,800
‎建造地點的人不知道

539
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,360
‎我去參觀博物館
‎然後問那裡的一個員工

540
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,880
‎“不好意思
‎你知道鐵達尼號的下場吧？”

541
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,400
‎他只說：“啟程的時候沒問題啊”

542
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,520
‎我不知道這是重點嗎

543
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,040
‎我在那裡的時候，準備去美國表演

544
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:00,360
‎美國人…

545
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:03,720
‎我得說他們是很棒的觀眾，棒透了

546
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,920
‎身為觀眾，你可以看到他們…

547
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,520
‎準備迎接開心的一晚

548
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:09,200
‎好啊

549
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,120
‎他們超級激昂，激昂啊

550
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,120
‎因為跟英國人比起來
‎告訴各位，我是英國人

551
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,800
‎所以我跟你們一樣

552
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:19,760
‎我去美國表演時，觀眾很激昂

553
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,080
‎鬼吼鬼叫、笑到瘋，樣樣都來

554
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:23,760
‎我在表演後上網看

555
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,680
‎每條評論都用大寫
‎“麥克麥金泰帥到爆

556
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,640
‎表演滿堂彩，太了不起啦”

557
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,320
‎我在英國不會有這種評論，說實話

558
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,800
‎英國人頂多說：“他沒讓人失望”

559
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,680
‎英國人連開心的時候

560
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:49,880
‎都要對照我們讓人失望的生活

561
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,040
‎另一則評論是“精彩程度令人意外”

562
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,120
‎你意外個屁？

563
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,520
‎你都訂票了

564
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,360
‎英國人出門時沒有任何期待

565
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,280
‎“我今晚對娛樂沒什麼期望”

566
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,040
‎“小潘，精彩程度令人意外吧？”

567
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:12,240
‎我在世界各地到處巡演

568
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,880
‎我想最好玩最意外的

569
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,040
‎是我去亞洲表演的時候

570
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,920
‎我之前沒去過亞洲表演

571
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,000
‎我接連在香港與新加玻做場子

572
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,960
‎我之前也沒去過亞洲

573
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,280
‎很多人或許會驚訝

574
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:29,720
‎想不到…

575
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,000
‎我不是…

576
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:35,920
‎亞洲人

577
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,280
‎我發現

578
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,800
‎我長得像亞洲人

579
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,920
‎尤其我笑起來更像亞洲人

580
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:44,960
‎好…

581
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,040
‎我調查過了

582
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,520
‎我父母不是亞洲人

583
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:56,400
‎我也沒有亞洲祖先

584
00:29:56,480 --> 00:30:01,200
‎我的孩子長得一點也不像亞洲人

585
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,880
‎我的家族裡

586
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,200
‎就我這一個亞洲代表

587
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,320
‎沒人理解為什麼會這樣

588
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:15,080
‎連我都將自己誤認成一位亞洲男士

589
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:18,240
‎那一刻還真讓人沮喪

590
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:19,520
‎我當時正要下飛機

591
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:22,800
‎他們不是會放報紙供你取閱嗎？

592
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,280
‎我走到通道的時候，知道通道吧？

593
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:29,000
‎我搭長途，心不在焉
‎接著從眼角餘光發現

594
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,840
‎我上了八卦報的頭版

595
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,200
‎我的心一沉，想說
‎“我做了什麼好事了？

596
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,680
‎天啊，出事了，我飛的時候

597
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:39,320
‎一定出大事了，天啊

598
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,960
‎什麼？天啊，怎麼了？天啊”

599
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,200
‎那是金正恩

600
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,920
‎如果我的人生裡

601
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:54,600
‎還有讓我更沮喪的時刻

602
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,960
‎那我還沒碰到

603
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,640
‎可悲的是

604
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:05,440
‎我說不定能打開金正恩的手機

605
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,840
‎靠我的亞洲大餅臉搞定

606
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,560
‎說不定美國調查局會派我去平壤

607
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,920
‎在大半夜竊取政府機密

608
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,840
‎“你趁人睡覺時
‎潛入臥房的功力如何？”

609
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,760
‎“長官，我夜夜練習，找我就對了

610
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,840
‎只要畫出地板會叫的地方交給我
‎就搞定了”

611
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:34,920
‎我在亞洲香港的時候

612
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,720
‎發生了一件很刺激的事

613
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,000
‎簡直出人意外

614
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,720
‎我要表明我有嬌妻

615
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:46,720
‎我配不上她

616
00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,080
‎她非常正

617
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,640
‎我知道我配不上她
‎因為看過我們的人

618
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,920
‎跟看過她的人，都會立刻說出來

619
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,440
‎他們就是忍不住

620
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:01,040
‎他們會對著我們說

621
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:02,480
‎“為什麼？”

622
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,080
‎他們實在不懂

623
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:08,560
‎她是10分，滿分，這點毫無疑問

624
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:10,920
‎我則是…

625
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:16,040
‎或許瘦一點、黝黑一點、距離遠一點

626
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,040
‎外加近視折磨

627
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,400
‎還有燈光昏暗，我可能有6分

628
00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:24,720
‎或是5分

629
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,800
‎從這種反應，我覺得是4分

630
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:32,280
‎我沒關係，我無所謂

631
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:34,520
‎因為在香港

632
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,600
‎我有他媽的9分

633
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:38,360
‎我有9分

634
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:42,040
‎他們追求的

635
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,360
‎就是這種長相

636
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:47,800
‎因為人家猜不透我
‎“他到底是不是亞洲人？”

637
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,320
‎我像酷酷的英國龐德

638
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:52,760
‎我下飛機後，女生開始嬌笑

639
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:54,040
‎“天啊”

640
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,520
‎我想說，怎麼了？
‎我不知道發生什麼事了

641
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,560
‎我沒有碰過這種反應

642
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,720
‎妹子紛紛湊上前來
‎“不好意思，天啊，你是哪裡人？

643
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:04,640
‎你長得好可愛喔

644
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,040
‎哈囉”

645
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:09,480
‎我知道妹子喜歡我

646
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,720
‎因為她們把口罩拉下來把我

647
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:21,880
‎“哈囉，這位先生

648
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,360
‎你好嗎？”

649
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,160
‎有個妹過來說：“不好意思…

650
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:31,480
‎你是模特兒嗎？”

651
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:33,920
‎我是模特兒嗎？

652
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,880
‎“不是，妳胡說什麼啦”

653
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,600
‎她說：“帕科拉巴納香水的模特兒
‎就長你這樣”

654
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,640
‎香港有這款香水的廣告

655
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,280
‎我就像那個廣告男模

656
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:45,920
‎我甚至長得比他好看

657
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,720
‎我在香港晉升為香水男模了

658
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:54,720
‎在英國，沒半個人找過我拍廣告

659
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,960
‎除非大尺碼服裝品牌
‎要推出新外套咪咪系列

660
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:03,760
‎我認為我在短期內接不到廣告

661
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,360
‎“請至大尺碼服裝店選購新外套咪咪

662
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,360
‎咪咪大小任君挑選”

663
00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:15,680
‎我別想了

664
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,280
‎不重要，香港很棒

665
00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:22,640
‎很不幸，這最後導致尷尬的場面

666
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,000
‎我太太一直很照顧我，她沒跟我去

667
00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:29,440
‎我一個人去巡演
‎但我睡不著並不斷抱怨

668
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:33,280
‎“我有時差”
‎所以她替我預訂飯店的按摩服務

669
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:34,760
‎她說：“香港按摩世界知名

670
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,720
‎按一按會比較好睡”

671
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,720
‎於是我下樓去水療館，電梯門打開

672
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,320
‎現場有蠟燭跟輕柔的音樂

673
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,000
‎櫃檯有幾個女生在我經過時嬌笑

674
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:46,120
‎因為我超帥，但我現在習慣了

675
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,600
‎我都快厭煩起來了，“他過來了

676
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:51,160
‎他是那個香水男模，天啊”

677
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,280
‎有個女生把口罩拉下，開始塗口紅

678
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:56,720
‎“竟然是他”

679
00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,240
‎然後她戴好口罩，蓋住嘴唇

680
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:04,640
‎等我走到時，口紅都滲過口罩了

681
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:08,040
‎她就像《蝙蝠俠》裡的小丑
‎不太好看

682
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,280
‎我說：“我來按摩”

683
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,720
‎她說：“好，麻煩您去男士更衣室

684
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:15,360
‎往下往右走

685
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,240
‎您會在裡面看到更衣室

686
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,120
‎裡面有袍子跟拖鞋

687
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,600
‎換好直走，您的芳療師就會接待您
‎祝您愉快”

688
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,680
‎所以我穿過後找到更衣室

689
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,440
‎裡面有袍子跟拖鞋，跟我預期的一樣

690
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,720
‎但那裡還有一樣我沒料到的東西

691
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,880
‎一件拋棄式…

692
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,720
‎按摩用小褲褲

693
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:42,680
‎凡是男人都不該穿這種東西，告訴你

694
00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:46,040
‎那有一條線繞過一邊屁股

695
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:48,400
‎一條線繞過另一邊

696
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:52,800
‎然後中間的布料少得可憐

697
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:56,680
‎但我說了
‎我沒看過拋棄式按摩用內褲

698
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:00,240
‎我以為那是讓我戴在臉上的口罩

699
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:07,120
‎所以我將兩條線掛上我的耳朵
‎像這樣

700
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,680
‎然後把臉擺在原本要遮卵蛋的地方

701
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,440
‎我把袍子跟拖鞋穿上

702
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,600
‎臉上罩著內褲往走廊底下去

703
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,880
‎我走進按摩室，那個女生笑翻了

704
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:29,120
‎“太搞笑了

705
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:31,760
‎你把褲褲穿在臉上”

706
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,040
‎我把內褲脫掉，她說

707
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,800
‎“是那個香水男模”

708
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,400
‎各位，很棒吧

709
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:51,040
‎暫時放下很棒吧

710
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,840
‎大家在節目進行時放下手機

711
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,040
‎這樣很好吧

712
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,480
‎看看我們，這種場面太難得了

713
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:01,760
‎看看大家，沒人在用手機

714
00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:04,920
‎你們可能用手機預訂今晚的門票

715
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,440
‎很方便，上劇場的網站

716
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:08,640
‎挑選座位

717
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:11,880
‎網購真的很方便

718
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,640
‎但訂票時會出現一件怪事

719
00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:16,440
‎不見得每次會碰到，但沒人知道

720
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:19,320
‎這是在搞什麼鬼

721
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,360
‎你上網訂個票卻突然被問

722
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:23,680
‎“你是機器人嗎？”

723
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,360
‎好特別的問題

724
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:32,080
‎沒人懷疑過我不是人

725
00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:35,440
‎然後你要打勾聲明：“我不是機器人

726
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:38,120
‎莫名其妙，可以往下嗎？”

727
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,800
‎接著電腦還說：“不行，不能往下

728
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,840
‎我們還得做幾個測試

729
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,840
‎證明你是真人

730
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:47,040
‎不是機器人”

731
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:50,400
‎你想說：“這種測試還不容易

732
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,200
‎隨便都能過

733
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:55,440
‎我只要證明我有人性就好

734
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,840
‎我有製造幾個人類

735
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:01,880
‎當然不是機器人，拜託，放馬過來

736
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:03,960
‎這種事太浪費時間了

737
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:05,280
‎快端問題出來吧”

738
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:07,360
‎“好的，以下有幾格圖片

739
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,040
‎哪一格是店舖正面？”

740
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:13,600
‎“怎麼會這麼難？

741
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:18,520
‎這些嚇人的美國鄉下小店
‎到底在哪？”

742
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:23,800
‎有時商店還不只佔用一格

743
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:26,120
‎我們該怎麼辦？是只勾選主要那格

744
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:30,480
‎還是周圍的格子都要勾？
‎機器人測驗的規定是什麼？

745
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,480
‎所以你說：“這格、那格
‎我猜那格也是”

746
00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:36,720
‎接著你按送出，電腦說：“不對

747
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:37,960
‎你答錯了

748
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:41,640
‎你依舊有機器人的嫌疑

749
00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:43,360
‎你對橋樑拿手嗎？”

750
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:46,000
‎“不知道，我還以為商店題難不倒我”

751
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,400
‎有時我會連錯好幾題，不得不問

752
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:52,320
‎“老婆，我是機器人嗎？
‎妳會老實告訴我吧？”

753
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:56,960
‎我前幾天發現

754
00:38:57,040 --> 00:39:00,680
‎我的小孩不知道沒有網路的時代

755
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:03,080
‎他們打從一出生就有網路

756
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:07,120
‎他們無法理解，於是問我
‎“你們是怎麼活過來的？”

757
00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:10,600
‎我回答不出來：“我不記得了

758
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:12,880
‎我真的記不得了”

759
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:16,520
‎但我們現在能回想網路起源之初

760
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,040
‎記得頭幾年

761
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,880
‎提到網站一定要唸出“www.”嗎？

762
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:24,600
‎有夠浪費時間

763
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,480
‎我們為什麼要花三年時間

764
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:32,280
‎才搞清楚所有網站
‎都是從“www.”開始？

765
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:37,840
‎“請上本公司網站www.亞馬遜.com”

766
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,680
‎“網址是www.ebay.com”

767
00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:43,760
‎“www.貓途鷹.com”

768
00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:45,920
‎有些網站一定很要人命

769
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,280
‎世界摔角聯盟

770
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:52,720
‎“請上官網了解
‎www.wwwf.com”

771
00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:55,320
‎每天都要說這種話

772
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:57,440
‎世界野生動物基金會

773
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,040
‎“歡迎踴躍捐款

774
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,200
‎請至www.wwwf.com”

775
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:10,000
‎我們光唸“www.”
‎一定有浪費掉兩星期的人生

776
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:13,840
‎現在回想起來…

777
00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,880
‎網路跟我們的生活密不可分了

778
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:22,120
‎回想我們的第一個密碼

779
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:27,480
‎由於我們的腦子塞滿密碼

780
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:31,480
‎我們實在很難記住全部

781
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,280
‎上網路商店時

782
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,000
‎大家常這樣：“我不記得

783
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:37,120
‎我忘了我的密碼”

784
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:39,200
‎你輸入後有時會被鎖住

785
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:41,240
‎你收到提示
‎“錯誤，你只剩一次機會

786
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,120
‎想起自己的密碼

787
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:44,280
‎他媽的白痴”

788
00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:49,080
‎你也可以按“忘記密碼”
‎讓他們問你

789
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:51,440
‎生活相關問題
‎結果你根本不記得答案

790
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:52,880
‎問你個人生活題都不會

791
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,960
‎“誰是你最愛的寵物？”
‎“不會吧，我當初怎麼會選？”

792
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,280
‎接著狗走進來
‎“如果不是我，我要離家出走

793
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:02,080
‎我真的要踏出家門了”

794
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:07,160
‎“www.”

795
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:10,320
‎對了，密碼

796
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,480
‎一開始，大家都只用一個密碼

797
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,880
‎那是我們生平第一個密碼

798
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:17,600
‎我們出於懷舊不會忘記

799
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:20,800
‎我們做什麼都用它，每次註冊都用它

800
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:24,040
‎“請提供密碼”
‎“沒問題，這是我的特製字母組合”

801
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,600
‎然後，這些公司開始囂張了

802
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,600
‎你鍵入密碼後，會顯示“弱”

803
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:33,880
‎“你憑什麼批評我的特製字母組合？”

804
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:38,720
‎後來變本加厲，“抱歉，網路太夯了

805
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,240
‎我們必須強化您的密碼”

806
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:42,240
‎商家會堅持規定

807
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,000
‎“請您務必提供一個大寫字母”

808
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:48,600
‎“抱歉，恕不接受密碼

809
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,840
‎除非包含至少一個大寫字母”

810
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:56,720
‎大家不假思索

811
00:41:56,800 --> 00:42:01,960
‎就決定將密碼的第一個字母改成大寫

812
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:06,440
‎有一段時間，這個做法沒問題

813
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,440
‎後來網路變得更夯

814
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:13,200
‎商家又開始了，“如欲註冊

815
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:16,440
‎請至少使用一個大寫字母

816
00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,160
‎與至少一個數字”

817
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:26,040
‎大家一樣想也不想

818
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:31,160
‎就一致決定“用數字1

819
00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:36,080
‎放在加了大寫密碼的尾端”

820
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,600
‎有一段時間，這個做法也沒問題

821
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:45,680
‎直到全新、無預警

822
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,880
‎刺激的黎明升起了

823
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:53,040
‎特殊符號的世界

824
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:55,880
‎誰知道那是什麼

825
00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,280
‎商家會說：“請使用一個大寫字母

826
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:05,480
‎一個數字
‎並按照規定使用一個特殊符號”

827
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:10,000
‎接著我們按鈕，“請示意說明

828
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:13,680
‎你們現在堅持的特殊符號有哪些？”

829
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,920
‎我們研究後看到了

830
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:20,360
‎“這些符號哪裡特殊了”

831
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,120
‎然後所有人的目光

832
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,720
‎都停留在…

833
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:27,720
‎驚嘆號

834
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:31,720
‎“就是你了”

835
00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:37,480
‎然後我們把它放到有大寫…

836
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,040
‎加了1的密碼尾端

837
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:41,720
‎也就在這一刻

838
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:45,560
‎在座每個觀眾都在想

839
00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:49,640
‎“我應該換密碼了，最好明天就換

840
00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:50,840
‎現在就換吧

841
00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:53,360
‎得另想一個特製密碼

842
00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,160
‎最好換一下”

843
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:02,440
‎現在的情況就是這樣

844
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:05,520
‎在2020年，2020年代

845
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:10,400
‎科技只會更進步
‎其用意在讓我們的生活更便利

846
00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:13,280
‎我覺得有時是過於便利了

847
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:14,280
‎我剛買了一部新車

848
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:17,320
‎車子全部自動化
‎我上車什麼事也不用幹

849
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:20,120
‎天黑了，頭燈會自動開啟

850
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:23,640
‎下雨了，雨刷會自動開啟

851
00:44:23,720 --> 00:44:26,560
‎但這表示你在車上會沒事幹

852
00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,480
‎說真的，這會讓你爆發

853
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:31,360
‎如果你懶散下來，什麼都被打點好
‎久了會讓你爆發

854
00:44:31,840 --> 00:44:34,200
‎有年輕人會用這種表達方式

855
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:35,440
‎“麻煩搖上車窗

856
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:37,560
‎麻煩搖下車窗，媽，把車窗搖上

857
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:38,880
‎把車窗搖下”

858
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:42,160
‎但他們這輩子都是用按鈕

859
00:44:42,240 --> 00:44:43,680
‎他們才不知道…

860
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:48,360
‎我們幾十年來都在操勞這件事

861
00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:51,000
‎不容易啊，那常常會卡住…

862
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:54,800
‎可以鍛鍊二頭肌

863
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,040
‎免去健身房，搖下車窗就好了

864
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,440
‎有時，車窗完全搖下來後就下雨了

865
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:03,560
‎好啊，加速搖上車窗

866
00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:08,840
‎乘客靠過去搖車窗

867
00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:11,720
‎有把握的話，你可以嘗試兩邊一起搖

868
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:12,880
‎不用去健身房

869
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:16,400
‎我想調整新車座椅全靠按鈕

870
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:18,720
‎使用座椅旁的按鈕可以往前

871
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,080
‎可以往後

872
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:21,240
‎調整椅背

873
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:23,960
‎全部以按鈕調整

874
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:25,960
‎一指搞定全部

875
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:28,960
‎從前用的是槓桿

876
00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:30,280
‎位置在你的兩腿之間

877
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,880
‎往上一拉就會讓你彈射

878
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,480
‎沿著軌道彈到車子的後座

879
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:38,680
‎“哈囉，我到後面了”

880
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:42,960
‎你能看到軌道在前面
‎就像倒著走的迷你雲霄飛車

881
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:45,640
‎然後你要頂啊頂

882
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:49,760
‎喬到你偏好的駕駛姿勢

883
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:52,200
‎這能鍛鍊核心

884
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,840
‎你經常頂過頭

885
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:59,000
‎你會整個頂到方向盤這邊

886
00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:00,600
‎然後又要往後頂

887
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:02,680
‎好好拿捏

888
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,040
‎70年代的男士都是好情人

889
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:08,800
‎他們一天到晚在車裡頂上頂下當練習

890
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:11,520
‎只為了找到偏好的駕駛姿勢

891
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:16,840
‎前幾天
‎我跟我老婆在車上有一點尷尬

892
00:46:17,240 --> 00:46:18,240
‎聽著

893
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:20,840
‎我的感情世界…

894
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:23,560
‎我不知道我能不能代表所有的男人

895
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:25,720
‎我覺得這是永無止盡的追尋

896
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:29,200
‎我永遠猜不透我老婆的心思

897
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:33,120
‎我永遠搞不懂我應該做什麼

898
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:37,200
‎我們開著車，她坐在助手席

899
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:38,600
‎這件事非常怪

900
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:40,880
‎我經過一個停車格

901
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:43,480
‎我發現我過頭了，於是我說
‎“我得倒退”

902
00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:45,280
‎我做了一個經典動作，大家都看過

903
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:48,080
‎我用手臂圈著她，然後像這樣靠著

904
00:46:48,840 --> 00:46:50,680
‎接著倒退，迅速確實

905
00:46:52,680 --> 00:46:55,320
‎接著停進去，好

906
00:46:55,400 --> 00:46:57,040
‎感覺很好，得心應手

907
00:46:57,120 --> 00:46:58,920
‎沒想太多，小事一樁

908
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:01,240
‎我老婆看著我說

909
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:04,800
‎“這也太性感了”

910
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:07,480
‎我不知道她到底在說什麼

911
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,680
‎我往車外看
‎“幹嘛？發生什麼事了？

912
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:11,240
‎妳在說什麼？”

913
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:14,320
‎她說：“我一直覺得男人這樣超性感”

914
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:17,200
‎“什麼男人？妳在說什麼男人？

915
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:20,120
‎這些性感男人是誰？妳在說什麼？”

916
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:22,720
‎她說：“就是你的倒車姿勢啊

917
00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:25,640
‎我一直覺得那樣很性感
‎你平常不會這麼做”

918
00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:28,520
‎“做什麼？妳到底在說什麼？”

919
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:32,000
‎“你用手臂圈著我，然後迅速倒車啊

920
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,800
‎我一直覺得這個動作很性感”

921
00:47:35,720 --> 00:47:38,000
‎不好意思，我的焦點是擺在…

922
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:39,040
‎臥房裡

923
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:43,360
‎我們在一起這20年

924
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:45,040
‎我拼命挑逗妳

925
00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:48,560
‎我要過10億年

926
00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:51,560
‎才會嘗試在車上耍花招

927
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:53,560
‎當作前戲

928
00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:55,880
‎“我們晚上出門約會要幹嘛？

929
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:59,240
‎要不要到處倒車
‎等妳有興致了告訴我？”

930
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:02,080
‎我們都在車上了，要我現在做也可以

931
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:07,080
‎她說：“麥克，我沒辦法控制
‎自己覺得什麼性感”

932
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:10,560
‎我說：“還有哪些莫名其妙的事

933
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:12,920
‎讓妳覺得性感，該讓我知道的？”

934
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,160
‎她說：“讓我想一下”
‎我說：“麻煩了”

935
00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:17,960
‎她說：“有了，男人會做一件事”

936
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:21,520
‎“抱歉，妳說的是哪些男人？”

937
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:25,520
‎“但你都不會做，麥克”
‎“做什麼？”

938
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,240
‎她說：“你知道男人脫毛衣時

939
00:48:28,320 --> 00:48:30,560
‎他們脱毛衣會把手伸到背後

940
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:31,600
‎接著…

941
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:35,000
‎用力一拉脫掉”

942
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:38,440
‎她開始呻吟起來了

943
00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:43,160
‎“我覺得那個動作超級性感”

944
00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:46,800
‎“不好意思，妳在說什麼？”

945
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:51,320
‎“他們會把手伸到背後
‎接著一拉，把毛衣脫掉”

946
00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:56,920
‎“妳不覺得我脱的方式性感？

947
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:59,360
‎我會拉袖子，然後…

948
00:49:00,560 --> 00:49:05,400
‎專業地慢慢往上拽

949
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:19,080
‎然後交給妳脱掉？”

950
00:49:21,360 --> 00:49:25,880
‎她說：“其實，我不覺得那樣性感”

951
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:29,360
‎於是我心想
‎“沒關係，我就來測試一下”

952
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:31,960
‎我記住了

953
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:34,000
‎幾星期後，約會時間到

954
00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:36,880
‎晚上出門開開心心
‎享用美酒美食

955
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:40,920
‎回到家，小孩都睡了
‎我剛好穿了毛衣

956
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:43,400
‎我想說：“我絕對要拼了”

957
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,240
‎沒想到會這麼難搞

958
00:49:45,320 --> 00:49:48,240
‎我沒想到原來我得先練習

959
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:51,200
‎我更沒想到這件毛衣的領口

960
00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:52,800
‎比較小

961
00:49:53,480 --> 00:49:56,240
‎所以我將手伸到背後直接拼搏

962
00:49:56,320 --> 00:49:59,760
‎我用力一拉，結果我的頭卡在領口了

963
00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:02,680
‎就像我正在慢慢出生

964
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:05,680
‎絕對要用鉗子夾出來

965
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,280
‎還有一件事讓我沮喪

966
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,720
‎我的襯衫隨著毛衣往上拉了

967
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:15,040
‎於是我的肚子就晃啊晃，露在外面

968
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:16,960
‎而且是晚飯過後

969
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,040
‎“麥克，別吃太多麵包”
‎“可是麵包熱呼呼的”

970
00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:24,720
‎“你要解決馬鈴薯嗎？

971
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:26,960
‎太好吃了，浪費就可惜了”

972
00:50:28,720 --> 00:50:31,360
‎“要一起吃一個甜點嗎？”
‎“才不要，我要自己吃一個”

973
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:35,760
‎“各色小點？來啊”

974
00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:39,520
‎我拉得超級用力

975
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:40,840
‎以維持性感

976
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,440
‎我花了一陣子才終於脫下來

977
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:50,560
‎她不在房間，她跑掉了

978
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:54,240
‎“寶貝？

979
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:56,960
‎我表演性感脱毛衣了

980
00:50:57,560 --> 00:50:59,000
‎妳錯過好戲了

981
00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:02,520
‎要不要倒車開一下

982
00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:04,000
‎然後上床？”

983
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:10,000
‎所以在此

984
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:11,760
‎各位

985
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:14,880
‎我透露太多了

986
00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:16,680
‎主題標籤

987
00:51:17,560 --> 00:51:18,680
‎“大嘴”

988
00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:23,800
‎經過這些事，我跟她說：“寶貝

989
00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:27,280
‎我受夠嘗試錯誤這個方法了

990
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:29,440
‎我們應該直接溝通

991
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:31,880
‎妳就直接告訴我吧

992
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:33,960
‎我們來談談吧，直接告訴我

993
00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:36,880
‎到底什麼會讓妳興奮”

994
00:51:37,240 --> 00:51:39,360
‎她說：“到底什麼嗎？”

995
00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:40,680
‎我想說

996
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,760
‎“不管是什麼，我想知道”

997
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:47,120
‎“到底什麼會讓妳興奮？”

998
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,440
‎她說：“你說真的？”，“對”

999
00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:50,880
‎“你真的想知道？”，“對”

1000
00:51:50,960 --> 00:51:53,120
‎“你認真？”，“對，快告訴我”

1001
00:51:53,720 --> 00:51:55,920
‎“真的？”，“對”，她說

1002
00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:57,320
‎“黑人”

1003
00:52:11,040 --> 00:52:15,240
‎“老婆，我是要怎麼把這種事
‎安排進結婚週年？”

1004
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:20,680
‎儘管如此，我們好好的

1005
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:24,560
‎還在一起，小孩也漸漸長大

1006
00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:28,560
‎我的老么奧茲還是小朋友

1007
00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:31,880
‎盧卡斯現在14歲，奧茲11歲

1008
00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:33,440
‎所以他還是男孩

1009
00:52:33,520 --> 00:52:35,480
‎他是聰明伶俐的男孩

1010
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:37,760
‎他不能再玩電玩了

1011
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:39,320
‎他得停止玩電玩

1012
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:42,560
‎他對該死的電玩成癮了

1013
00:52:42,640 --> 00:52:44,640
‎我常進他房間說：“好了，別玩了

1014
00:52:44,720 --> 00:52:46,400
‎我說讓你玩5分鐘，已經45分鐘了

1015
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:48,280
‎我沒處罰你就不錯了，別玩了”

1016
00:52:48,360 --> 00:52:51,480
‎他會說：“爸，我馬上來，等一下…”
‎抱歉

1017
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:54,480
‎他的聲音不是這樣，我不知道那是誰

1018
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:58,520
‎我要說，他中產階級多了

1019
00:52:59,920 --> 00:53:01,680
‎“爸爸，我稍後就過去

1020
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:04,960
‎給我幾分鐘，我會馬上收尾

1021
00:53:05,480 --> 00:53:06,320
‎情勢十萬火急”

1022
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:09,160
‎我不知道第一個小孩是誰

1023
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:12,720
‎“喂，老兄，我是你兒子
‎很驚訝嗎？”

1024
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:15,680
‎“爸，我一直想問你

1025
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,240
‎為什麼我是倫敦東區人

1026
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:20,560
‎你卻是中國人？

1027
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:22,520
‎我實在想不通

1028
00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:25,800
‎我是生活在什麼樣的家庭裡？

1029
00:53:26,680 --> 00:53:28,240
‎什麼樣的家庭？

1030
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,560
‎我剛剛看到媽在路上倒車

1031
00:53:31,640 --> 00:53:33,120
‎旁邊坐個黑人老頭，怎麼了？

1032
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:39,560
‎我看到一件毛衣被拋出車外
‎她看起來很開心

1033
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,960
‎我得說，她有一陣子沒這麼開心了
‎她整個燦笑”

1034
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:44,800
‎我不知道那是誰，抱歉

1035
00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:48,240
‎他老是說：“我馬上好”
‎千篇一律“馬上好”

1036
00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:51,440
‎我覺得他不懂“馬上好”的意思
‎只會不斷地說

1037
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:54,440
‎“你現在就給我停，好嗎？晚餐好了”

1038
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:57,360
‎“我就來了，不行…馬上好
‎這遊戲很重要”

1039
00:53:57,440 --> 00:53:59,440
‎他在玩一個槍戰的爛遊戲

1040
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:01,440
‎“這遊戲真的很重要，好嗎？”

1041
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:04,200
‎“那就暫停”
‎“我沒辦法暫停，爸，這不能暫停

1042
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:05,800
‎你不能暫停，不行”

1043
00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:07,320
‎“你當然可以暫停

1044
00:54:07,400 --> 00:54:09,440
‎我要硬起來了，給我暫停”

1045
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:10,800
‎“我沒辦法暫停

1046
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:12,640
‎這樣我就得自殺”

1047
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:16,200
‎“乖兒子，事情沒那麼嚴重”

1048
00:54:16,680 --> 00:54:19,280
‎“我是說遊戲啦
‎我得在遊戲裡自殺才行”

1049
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:21,600
‎“那你就自殺吧，我才不在乎”

1050
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:26,000
‎這情況現在在我們家夜夜上演
‎我會朝著樓上喊：“奧茲

1051
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,360
‎快點自殺，吃晚飯了

1052
00:54:29,160 --> 00:54:32,760
‎叫你朋友斃了你，麵都快涼了”

1053
00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:37,800
‎事實上，他並不理睬我

1054
00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:40,440
‎我管不動他，他做什麼事都繞過我

1055
00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:42,600
‎他只聽媽媽的話，他會當面笑我

1056
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:45,200
‎每次我一大聲，前幾天我說：“快點

1057
00:54:45,280 --> 00:54:47,320
‎該睡了，你刷牙了嗎？”

1058
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:50,440
‎他說：“爸，你不用大呼小叫

1059
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:53,840
‎我就站在這裡，我聽得到

1060
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:55,160
‎冷靜點”

1061
00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:58,600
‎他對我說
‎“你是不是累了？你累了嗎？”

1062
00:54:59,800 --> 00:55:02,160
‎“我想有一點，我有一點累”

1063
00:55:03,040 --> 00:55:04,240
‎前幾天，他跟我說

1064
00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:07,640
‎“你是不是血糖過低？
‎你要來個點心嗎？”

1065
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:10,480
‎“應該是吧，有一點…”

1066
00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:14,240
‎然後他送我回房躺好

1067
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:23,160
‎我們家發生一件大事
‎我們養了一隻狗

1068
00:55:23,240 --> 00:55:24,440
‎我們沒有養過狗

1069
00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:25,760
‎現場有狗奴

1070
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:29,520
‎我們養了一隻毛茸茸的小狗

1071
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:31,680
‎毛茸茸的可愛小狗狗

1072
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:33,040
‎麥茸泰先生

1073
00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:37,720
‎牠是乖巧可愛的毛茸茸狗兒
‎牠充滿愛

1074
00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:40,320
‎知道牠為何充滿愛嗎？
‎因為牠天性使然

1075
00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:42,880
‎不同品種的狗會有不同的天性

1076
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:45,800
‎就像買車，我上了一個網站
‎www.什麼的

1077
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:49,160
‎www.狗種.com

1078
00:55:50,720 --> 00:55:53,120
‎上面會介紹狗的品種與特性

1079
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:56,000
‎狗兒所需的散步量與運動量

1080
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:58,440
‎平常該餵牠們吃多少
‎牠們會不會脫毛等等

1081
00:55:58,880 --> 00:56:01,120
‎上面還對狗的愛意闢了一欄

1082
00:56:01,200 --> 00:56:02,720
‎說明牠們有多愛人

1083
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:04,720
‎並且以滿分五顆星來評價

1084
00:56:04,800 --> 00:56:08,240
‎我也只考慮愛意五顆星的狗

1085
00:56:08,320 --> 00:56:10,800
‎如果一隻動物對你沒有滿滿的愛

1086
00:56:10,880 --> 00:56:13,040
‎何必帶進家門呢？

1087
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:16,600
‎愛意五顆星的狗有金毛獵犬

1088
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:19,760
‎拉布拉多，以及我的狗
‎毛茸茸的小諾福克㹴

1089
00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:21,080
‎牠是愛意五顆星的狗

1090
00:56:21,160 --> 00:56:24,040
‎從牠的眼神看得出來
‎牠看著我的時候簡直不可思議

1091
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:27,440
‎牠一副“我太愛你了”

1092
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:31,000
‎我要替牠配諾福克腔，牠是諾福克㹴

1093
00:56:31,080 --> 00:56:32,840
‎我不知道牠會怎麼說話

1094
00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:34,800
‎但要是牠會說話，應該就是這口音

1095
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:38,320
‎“我好愛你，感謝你當我的主人

1096
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:40,840
‎太感激你讓我住進你家了

1097
00:56:40,920 --> 00:56:44,280
‎我喜歡你佈置家裡的方式
‎真是富麗堂皇

1098
00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:47,160
‎只要你有心
‎想當室內設計師都沒問題

1099
00:56:47,240 --> 00:56:49,520
‎我覺得只要你有心，做什麼都能成功

1100
00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:53,360
‎我看著你
‎就像亞洲女人看到你的感覺一樣

1101
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,240
‎我著了你的魔了，我覺得你太棒了

1102
00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:59,760
‎我愛你手舉高時，外套會擠成咪咪狀

1103
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:03,080
‎我愛聽到你半夜起床的尿尿聲

1104
00:57:03,160 --> 00:57:04,960
‎‘他又起來了’，了不起

1105
00:57:05,800 --> 00:57:08,520
‎我愛你從浴室出來時，雙腳發紅

1106
00:57:08,600 --> 00:57:10,240
‎一隻手臂跟兩顆卵蛋也紅通通

1107
00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:11,400
‎我實在好愛

1108
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:13,800
‎你不在的時候我好想你

1109
00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:16,800
‎我擔心你在澳洲被鯊魚咬

1110
00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:19,960
‎我擔心你在性愛樓層被大鵰絆倒

1111
00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:22,200
‎我知道你不是機器人

1112
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:25,440
‎你是我這輩子認識最真的人

1113
00:57:25,520 --> 00:57:27,880
‎我愛你，我著了你的魔
‎知道你出門我會怎樣嗎？

1114
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:31,320
‎我知道這樣不理智
‎但我擔心你會死掉

1115
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:34,160
‎我會胡思亂想，覺得我的主人死了

1116
00:57:34,240 --> 00:57:36,440
‎我一生的真愛拋下我死了

1117
00:57:36,520 --> 00:57:37,680
‎然後等你回到家

1118
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:39,680
‎我就成了全世界最快樂的小狗

1119
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,480
‎因為我是愛意五顆星的狗狗”

1120
00:57:43,200 --> 00:57:44,400
‎這就是我的狗

1121
00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:46,920
‎五顆星

1122
00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:50,240
‎愛意盈滿

1123
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:56,240
‎我上網了解愛意未達五顆星的狗

1124
00:57:56,320 --> 00:57:57,400
‎一顆星的狗是

1125
00:57:57,480 --> 00:57:59,120
‎吉娃娃

1126
00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:03,240
‎這種塑膠眼睛的小墨西哥狗兒

1127
00:58:03,320 --> 00:58:04,840
‎牠們不喜歡人

1128
00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:07,600
‎你會碰到不同品種的狗兒

1129
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:09,480
‎因為你會帶著狗…狗主人都知道

1130
00:58:09,560 --> 00:58:12,560
‎你帶著狗去公園
‎牠們會想要到處嗅聞

1131
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:13,840
‎牠們想認識其他的狗

1132
00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:16,120
‎狗看到對方的反應可妙了

1133
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:17,800
‎基本上，牠們會想要…

1134
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:19,080
‎至少我的狗想這麼做

1135
00:58:19,160 --> 00:58:21,760
‎牠想跟另一隻狗來個短暫的交會

1136
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:25,280
‎那就是互聞對方的卵蛋，然後就走開

1137
00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:26,720
‎很奇怪，牠會靠近一隻狗

1138
00:58:26,800 --> 00:58:29,000
‎“不好意思
‎我可以聞一下你的卵蛋嗎？”

1139
00:58:29,440 --> 00:58:31,960
‎另一隻狗覺得無所謂，接著牠們就…

1140
00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:34,360
‎後來牠請對方試聞自己的

1141
00:58:34,440 --> 00:58:37,040
‎接著說謝了，然後就走開

1142
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:39,800
‎牠們還遠遠地就會看到對方

1143
00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:44,000
‎接著另一隻狗看著牠

1144
00:58:44,080 --> 00:58:45,560
‎然後，狗狗有時很壞

1145
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:47,840
‎牠們懶得聞，因為牠是小狗

1146
00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:51,880
‎某德國狼犬過來時一副跩樣
‎“我是德國狼犬

1147
00:58:52,600 --> 00:58:54,120
‎我是德國狼犬哪”

1148
00:58:54,200 --> 00:58:57,400
‎我的狗走過去
‎“我可以聞一下你的卵蛋嗎？”

1149
00:58:57,480 --> 00:59:00,000
‎“門都沒有，你這隻蠢小狗

1150
00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:01,360
‎也不看看你有多矮小

1151
00:59:01,440 --> 00:59:04,640
‎你再怎麼拼命也碰不到我雄偉的卵蛋

1152
00:59:05,640 --> 00:59:08,600
‎你以為我會降尊聞你的迷你卵蛋嗎？

1153
00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:12,200
‎噁心死了，別靠近我的卵蛋”

1154
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,200
‎一隻法國貴賓犬來了

1155
00:59:17,760 --> 00:59:19,360
‎“我是法國貴賓犬”

1156
00:59:20,520 --> 00:59:23,480
‎我的狗過去了
‎“不好意思，我可不可以…

1157
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:26,400
‎我剛剛才被德國狼犬兇過

1158
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:28,720
‎我可不可以聞一下你的卵蛋？”

1159
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:30,720
‎“聽著，英國退出歐盟前應該可以

1160
00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:31,760
‎但我很不爽

1161
00:59:32,720 --> 00:59:36,600
‎我覺得這個決定錯了
‎你們的決定不對

1162
00:59:37,040 --> 00:59:40,240
‎之前還有可能，但現在我很不爽

1163
00:59:40,320 --> 00:59:42,320
‎你們投這種票有辱法國人

1164
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:44,160
‎你們脫離歐盟了

1165
00:59:44,240 --> 00:59:45,560
‎你們想要勞工自由流動？

1166
00:59:45,640 --> 00:59:48,800
‎你的鼻子
‎不能再自由流動到我的卵蛋來了

1167
00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:51,360
‎離我的卵蛋遠一點”

1168
00:59:52,280 --> 00:59:54,120
‎阿富汗獵犬過來了

1169
00:59:54,200 --> 00:59:55,680
‎“請不要亂碰…

1170
00:59:55,760 --> 00:59:57,760
‎在平常的情況下還有可能

1171
00:59:57,840 --> 00:59:59,600
‎但我祖國的局勢非常艱難

1172
00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:00,760
‎我得回家了

1173
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:03,800
‎我的國家局勢動盪，我要去看CNN了

1174
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:06,000
‎拜託，我的卵蛋現在不能碰”

1175
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,520
‎但你偶爾會碰到可愛的狗

1176
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:10,720
‎比方蘇格蘭㹴出現了

1177
01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:11,640
‎“喔，哈囉

1178
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:14,480
‎快他媽的飽餐一頓吧，朋友

1179
01:00:15,800 --> 01:00:17,320
‎快把臉往裡面湊

1180
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:20,080
‎來啊，我多的是時間

1181
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:23,440
‎我待會要聞你的，盡情享受吧

1182
01:00:23,520 --> 01:00:26,000
‎他媽的快塞進去，朋友”

1183
01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:32,320
‎可是吉娃娃呢？

1184
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:34,880
‎每次你看到吉娃娃

1185
01:00:34,960 --> 01:00:35,920
‎主人都這樣

1186
01:00:37,360 --> 01:00:38,240
‎“小心！

1187
01:00:38,720 --> 01:00:40,320
‎牠會咬人”

1188
01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:43,680
‎你從牠的眼神看得出來，我會說

1189
01:00:43,760 --> 01:00:45,360
‎“牠當然愛咬人

1190
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:47,280
‎牠是愛意一顆星的狗

1191
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:48,640
‎自己去研究”

1192
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:50,640
‎然後狗開砲了
‎“我是愛意一顆星的狗

1193
01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:52,680
‎我不知道她買我幹嘛？我又不喜歡她

1194
01:00:52,760 --> 01:00:55,760
‎我不喜歡其他人

1195
01:00:56,320 --> 01:00:59,920
‎她幹嘛不上網研究？

1196
01:01:00,840 --> 01:01:03,160
‎她一靠近我，就讓我想咬她

1197
01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:05,000
‎因為我不喜歡她那張臉

1198
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:08,400
‎我不喜歡她的小孩跟老公

1199
01:01:10,920 --> 01:01:13,720
‎她出門的時候

1200
01:01:13,800 --> 01:01:15,200
‎我都希望她死翹翹

1201
01:01:15,280 --> 01:01:17,880
‎我真的祈禱她死掉

1202
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:22,320
‎不要再把我塞進妳的包了
‎他媽的死女人”

1203
01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:24,520
‎一顆星

1204
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:27,280
‎各位先生女士，謝謝大家光臨

1205
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:30,680
‎與我共度歡樂的夜晚

1206
01:01:31,160 --> 01:01:33,080
‎謝謝大家，晚安

1207
01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:37,960
‎你們好棒

1208
01:01:38,640 --> 01:01:39,720
‎謝謝

1209
01:01:39,800 --> 01:01:41,200
‎謝謝上面的觀眾

1210
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:43,320
‎謝謝可愛的觀眾

1211
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:50,440
‎謝謝，謝謝大家，晚安

1212
01:02:26,200 --> 01:02:29,120
‎字幕翻譯：張倩茜