Downloaded from YTS.MX
- [sighs]
Comedy is a terrible profession.
It is a terrible, terrible profession.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
You get paid nothing for many, many years.
Everything about it sucks.
But every once in a while, you have an evening
that makes you do it for another ten years,
and that's tonight's evening.
Thank you very much.
[jazzy music]
- ♪ All the lights in New York are brighter ♪
♪ Because Kosta is back in town ♪
♪ ♪
♪ In Detroit and L.A. ♪
♪ People stop and they say ♪
♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Kosta!
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. This is great.
Michigan, we're in the house, huh?
Come on! Come on!
Love Michigan. From Ann Arbor.
You know, not too far away.
[cheers and applause]
I live in New York now.
They don't know what Michigan is.
I'll say, "Yeah, I'm from Michigan."
And they'll go, "Oh, yeah,
I have a, uh, cousin in Minneapolis."
And you go, "What?
"You mean a 15-hour drive west
of where I said I'm from?"
And they go, "Oh, yeah, my, uh, grandpa fishes in Montana."
Are you just saying places
that start with the letter M?
I grew up middle class.
Love middle class, you know?
I'm wealthy now, but I was middle class then, you know?
We had everything we needed.
We weren't rich. We weren't poor.
One summer, I remember I couldn't go to soccer camp.
My dad said, "We don't have enough money
to send you to soccer camp."
So, I understand struggle, you know?
I-I-I understand sacrifice.
And then seven years ago, my dad retires.
What? Excuse me?
And he and my mom retire to New York City.
What?
They got a three-bedroom condominium
in the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
Excuse me? With a doorman.
What?
First time I walked in their apartment,
I said, "What the fuck is this? Huh?
"I can't go to soccer camp in 1996,
and you got two guest bedrooms right now?"
So, I live with my parents.
I did!
I was 38 years old.
I got hired on "The Daily Show,"
and I was sleeping in a twin bed
at my parents' house,
and it was nice.
It's nice, dude, I'm telling you.
It's nice, dude! I'm telling you.
28 with your parents, something went wrong, you know,
but 38, it's nice, man, I'm telling you, it's nice.
"Yeah, Mom, make coffee."
They're getting old now.
When I was living with them before as a kid,
you didn't know they were old, but now I'm like, "Holy shit,
that's a lot of vitamins on Dad's plate," you know?
Dad loves vitamins. Your dad into vitamins?
My dad is into vitamins.
He read a blog on vitamins four years ago,
and he is sticking with it, ladies and gentlemen.
Any problem, vitamins will fix it.
My mom has been depressed. We don't know why.
"Mom, why are you depressed?"
"Michael, I'm 73. I can't move like I used to.
I lost two of my friends this year."
Isn't that sad? Heartbreaking?
Hearing your mom say that?
My dad, "Ah, she just needs more zinc."
What?
Is--is that how zinc works, Dad?
Is zinc gonna bring Mom's dead friends back to life?
This can't--
So, now I'm in New York, living in New York City.
Greatest city in the world.
You know, that's what they scream at you
right before they shove you down the subway stairs.
"Greatest city! Greatest city!
Greatest!"
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Greatest city! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Greatest city in the world!
New York City is like the prettiest girl in the bar
if she was like, "Hey,
"prettiest girl's right fucking here!
Prettiest girl! Prettiest girl's right here!"
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, okay, you're pretty, you're pretty.
You know who's prettier?
The girl behind you who's shutting the fuck up
for a second.
I think her name's Montreal? [chuckles]
You walk everywhere in New York.
You guys don't walk anywhere here.
Holy shit do you not walk anywhere.
You hate when you see somebody walking here.
I was walking on the sidewalk.
"Get him!" You guys drive your car up.
"What's he doing walking?
"Get him! Hit him!
"Nobody walks! Detroit, Motor City!
"Hit him!
"No walking allowed here.
Don't even think about walking."
And you're always wet.
I'm always wet every day in New York somehow.
Summer, it's humid. I'm walking.
Ass, wet. Armpits, wet.
Random air conditioners dripping on you.
Was that an air conditioner? I don't know, keep going.
Wet, wet, wet.
Fall, I put a jacket on, then the sun comes out.
Neck, wet. Head, wet.
Backpack, wet.
Winter, you put on all these clothes, right,
then you sit in the subway heat.
Neck, wet. Hamstrings, wet.
Feet, wet. Change my socks.
Spring, raining, raining, wet.
Bus, puddles, wet.
I'm always wet!
Living in New York is like being Leonardo DiCaprio
in every single one of his movies.
Let's go through 'em.
What do you wanna start with? "Titanic"?
Drowns to death. Wet.
"Great Gatsby." Dies in the pool at the end.
Wet.
"Shutter Island." It's an island.
Wet.
"The Beach"? Wet.
Give me some. Give me some Leonardo movies.
Give me some. - "Inception"!
- "Inception," first dream, pouring rain--wet.
"Gangs of New York." He's in the whorehouse
sweating the whole time. Wet.
"Gilbert Grape." Takes a bath in the second act.
Wet.
Give me some more!
"Departed." Movie theater scene.
Wearing a hat. Starts raining on him.
Wet.
"Revenant." Starts in a fucking river.
Wet!
"Great Gatsby" I already said. It was the second example.
What's wrong with this audience?
He dies in the pool at the end.
Pay attention! Wet!
- "Blood Diamond." - "Blood Diamond."
Runs into a river shooting a machine gun, wet.
"Aviator." Crashes into the ocean: wet.
"Basketball Diaries."
Top of the building jerking off.
Starts raining on him. Wet.
He's always wet.
He is always wet.
Tom Cruise, always running.
They should do a movie together called "He's Running, I'm Wet."
My point is that I hate New York.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
My point is that I hate New York.
It's the only city I've lived in
where I see a pill on the sidewalk
and I'll pick it up and swallow it.
I don't know what I'm gonna feel,
but it's gotta be better than this shitty reality.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Everybody hates it.
Everybody hates living here.
But we lie, don't we?
We say we love it to defend our rent
and our life decisions.
"Oh, I love New York."
Number one lie: "I love the energy.
I love the energy."
It's not energy, you idiots.
It's panic.
It's desperation. It's poverty.
It's working three jobs and trying to not get hit
by a bus every time you step outside.
"Oh, but it's the city that never sleeps."
Yeah, and that does explain why everybody's
such a fucking asshole all the time.
Maybe we should go to bed.
Anybody ever think of that?
That should be New York's slogan.
"Go to fucking bed, you guys. Jesus Christ."
Every day,
every day...
I see grown men and women
weeping in the streets.
Wet!
Don't look at your phone when you're walking; look around.
You will see a grown man
crying in the streets of Manhattan.
That's not the greatest city in the world.
I've been a lot of places.
People aren't crying in the streets
of Sydney, Australia,
or Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I'm from.
Yeah, you cry there, you cry there,
but you go home, don't you?
You can't do that here.
You got nine roommates in your one-bedroom apartment.
You can't cry in front of them every day.
They'll call you a pussy every day.
You can't even cry in the shower.
Two people are showering at the same time
to save time and money and energy.
The only good thing about living in New York City
is that once I got used to how expensive it was,
now when I go other places--
[blows raspberries]
I feel like a Saudi prince, you know what I mean?
I was in Kansas City. I ordered two margaritas.
The guy will be like, "That'll be 9.75."
And I was like, "I want 500 margaritas!"
"I am the Saudi prince of Kansas City.
Give me my change.
I wanna buy a lake house with it."
It's just hard.
Even getting here was hard, wasn't it?
Something about it was hard.
They made you wait out there.
Oh, it was hard.
"I didn't know I was going to a special shooting."
Hard.
"Pretzels are $26?"
Hard, it's just hard.
It's like we're living in a pinball game, right,
but the flippers are broken.
And we keep launching balls,
and we keep trying, trying, trying,
but no-- [whooshes]
Dead! New ball!
Try harder, try harder!
[whooshes] Dead!
And then each new game is $6,000 a month.
And we keep playing. Why?
Where I'm from in Michigan, life, it's easy, man.
It's pinball, but it's 100 balls,
and it's 300 flippers,
and they all work perfectly, right?
And, yeah, your wife's obese, but who cares?
They're great people, Michiganders.
They're reliable.
They're kind. They're sympathetic.
If they say they're going to show up to your birthday party,
bang, they show up to your birthday party.
And I say that in New York, and people laugh.
I didn't even say a joke.
I just said that, where I'm from,
people do what they say they're going to do,
and New Yorkers think that's a hilarious joke
told on a comedy stage.
So I battle this. I try to be kind.
I try to be sympathetic and reliable.
But I live somewhere where those characteristics
are not rewarded, are they?
You need to be aggressive and direct
and violent and strong.
Last week, I was trying to get on the subway, okay?
Wednesday, 8:00 a.m.
Excuse me, I was trying to get in line
to get in line to get in line
to fight down a staircase to punch a family,
so I could get on the L train, okay?
Wednesday, 8:30 a.m. No one's moving.
What's going on?
What the fuck is going on right now?
A thousand adults can't get down a staircase.
Why is nobody moving?
And I look, and the front of the staircase,
there's a little girl holding birthday balloons.
"Happy birthday to me.
I'm special."
And she's walking down the steps real slow
and real wide.
And I looked at her, and I took a deep breath.
And then I thought,
"I don't give a fuck."
We gotta go, kid.
There's 1,000 adults that gotta get to work,
pay their taxes, make this city move.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Then I Googled it.
Seventeen million people have a birthday
every day in the world.
Happy birthday, 17 million people.
800,000 Americans are having a birthday today.
Divide that in two by gender.
400,000 women in America are having a birthday today.
25% of the population is children.
That means 100,000 little girls...
Are having a birthday today in the United States of America.
Three percent of the U.S. population
lives here in New York City,
so 3,000...
Little girls...
are having a birthday today in New York City,
so you're not fucking special, are you, okay?
You're not even close. You're not even--
You're one of 3,000 other little girls
having a birthday in this city.
So we gotta go. We gotta move.
I can't be late and miss my guided meditation class.
It calms me down!
I'm sad that the summer is over.
Man, it hits you hard.
Doesn't go gracefully.
Bang, zero degrees! Snow Monday.
Bang! Crash.
Summertime, ah, hot girls everywhere, right?
Uh!
How old are you, buddy? How old are you?
Nineteen. Young, man.
Whole life right in front of you.
What about you, guy? Yeah.
Twenty-four.
What's your name, 24?
Patrick. Yeah, stupid name.
When you're Patrick's age, you see a beautiful woman,
you get excited, don't you?
You comb your hair a little bit.
"Oh, pretty girl over there." I'm 40.
Makes you mad, doesn't it, fellas?
God damn it, that girl's hot over there!
Fuck! Shit!
God damn it!
You get mad at your own girlfriend.
"Hurry up back there! Jesus Christ!"
[sighs]
That's power, ladies.
You're so beautiful, you make us angry
at people that we love.
That doesn't happen to women.
Women don't see another handsome man
and get mad at their man.
No, because you love him
or something stupid like that, you know?
And he sneezes, and snot comes out,
and you're like, "It's kinda cute when Peter sneezes
and a little bit of snot comes out."
But when you sneeze and snot comes out,
you know what Peter's thinking?
"I bet that hot girl doesn't sneeze and snot comes out.
God damn it! Shit!"
And you know what you're doing, ladies.
[blowing raspberries]
Wearing these outfits right here.
In the summer, it's like a tank top, you know,
and it's kinda loose on the side,
and we can look in the side. [laughs]
You ever look in the side, Patrick?
You know what I'm talking about?
You ever see a little side bra peeking out?
Uh!
Side boob? You ever see side boob?
[choral singing]
Side boob changes everything, doesn't it? Doesn't it?
I tried it, right.
So, I cut a sliver out of my jeans just right here,
so you can look in the side.
You can see a little side ball hanging out.
A little side dick.
But side dick is gross, right?
Side dick is gross.
Side boob is amazing.
You see side boob, you hit your friend.
"Turn around, dude, side boob's here.
Turn around! Turn around, side boob's here."
But if you see side dick, "Oh, God, oh, shit!
"Ah!
"Ah, I just saw side dick
"at 24 Hour Fitness today.
Ugh."
Why is it so different? Why is it so different?
Why is side dick so different from side boob?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause everyone loves boobs. That's the difference.
Men love boobs, and women love boobs.
Why? 'Cause we used to suck on boobs.
As babies, we sucked on boobs.
And they gave us life.
We didn't suck on dicks.
What?
We weren't babies sucking on Dad's dick.
It's gross to even picture. Why are you picturing that?
But that's what we do with Mom.
That's what we do with Mom.
There's no such thing as dick milk for babies.
Sadly, there's probably somebody here thinking,
"Well, I had to suck on my dad's dick."
Well, you had a bad dad.
I never sucked on my dad's dick, not even once!
Where are you from, Patrick?
South Lyon, sure.
Right underneath North Lyon.
Don’t have to tell me.
I still remember \hall the cities.
\h\hYou’ve been a good audience member, Patrick; you are, man.
He’s 23--he’s 24.
24, man.
Thank you--almost 24, \h\h\hso you are 23,
so even I got your age correct \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbefore you did.
\h\h\h\hAnd we wonder why fucking China’s winning.
Twenty-three--you’re good, \h\h\hthough, man, you are.
\hYou’re paying attention. You’re making eye contact.
I appreciate that, you know.
\h\h\hYoung people, I appreciate that.
So many shows I do now--
[grunting, mumbling]
The only time you guys look up is to see if there’s an outlet
\h\h\h\h\hthat you can plug your phone into and just...
You guys cross the street \h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike this.
Cars zooming by.
\h\h\h\h\hI always give you a little nudge with my car.
"Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you. \h\h\h\hI was texting also."
[laughs]
You’re soft, Patrick!
Don’t worry, he won’t do shit.
\h[whispers] You’re soft.
\h\hWe talk shit about millennials, you know?
\h\h\h\hWe say, "You’re soft." ’Cause you are, you’re pussies.
But...
it’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault!
\h\h\hWe’re hard on you, but it’s not your fault.
\h\h\hIt’s your parents’ fault. It’s Patrick’s parents’ fault.
Helicopter parents--what did \hwe expect was gonna happen?
"Don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that."
Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer.
\h"Don’t do that. I’ll protect you.
\h\hDon’t do that. I’ll protect you."
I didn’t have that shit.
Yeah, I live with \hmy parents now,
but I didn’t have that \h\h\h\h\h\h\has a kid.
\h\hWhen I was a kid, my brother Todd and I
used to play baseball \h\hin our basement,
\hbut instead of using a baseball,
we used these old metal darts
that I found next to the gasoline.
[whooshes]
And I’m just... \h\h[whooshes]
Whipping gasoline darts \h\h\hat my brother...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[whooshes] For hours, unsupervised,
dipping them in the gas.
And Todd liked to crowd the plate,
\h\hso now I gotta throw high heat metal gas darts
past my brother’s face.
\hAnd one of them caught him late,
stuck right in his eyeball, \h\h\h\hand I run upstairs,
\h\h\h\h"Dad, Dad, Dad, Todd has a fucking dart
in his eye right now."
You know what my dad says?
"Wake me if it becomes \h\h\h\han emergency."
That’s what my dad says.
That’s not happening \hto Patrick, I bet.
Patrick’s in the basement \h\h\h\h\h\hin South Lyon
\h\hwearing a helmet and shoulder pads, you know.
His dad’s blowing him bubbles.
[whooshing]
He’s swinging and missing, \h\h\h\h\hbut he still gets
a participation trophy \h\h\hat the end of it.
You fucking loser, Patrick.
Yeah, my brother Todd, \h\h\hhe’s 43 now, 43.
He just had a second baby.
He’s got this cute little boy \h\h\h\h\h\h\hnamed Winston,
and he’s six months old,
\h\h\h\h\hand he fits in my brother’s arm.
And I get all these pictures \h\hof Todd holding Winston,
and I zoom in.
\hBut I don’t zoom in on the baby, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I zoom in on my brother’s face,
’cause guess what’s still there \h\h\h\hafter all these years?
\h\hTodd’s 35, and he’s got a black mark on his eyelid,
\h\h\h\hand it twitches when it rains outside,
and his little son looks up
and sees his dad’s eyelid \h\h\h\h\h\h\htwitching,
and he says, "That’s right, \h\h\hdon’t crowd the plate
when Uncle Michael’s pitching."
Text neck.
You know what text neck is, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hPatrick, huh?
\h\h\hYou don’t even know what your fucking age is.
How are you gonna know \h\hwhat text neck is?
\h\h\h\h\hText neck is a real medical ailment
that millennials are getting.
Scoliosis of the top \h\h\h\hof the spine.
And you’re growing \hcalcium deposits
\h\hin the back of your skull to help bring your skull up.
\h\hSee, this is the wrong show to make fun of young people at.
\h\hI’m looking out, and you’re all like,
"Keep going, motherfucker.
\h\h\h"We’re writing blogs about this joke right now.
You’re gonna be canceled \h\h\h\h\hin 35 minutes."
You’re growing horns in the back of your head, Patrick.
I believe in evolution, okay?
I believe in evolution.
\h\h\h\hA lot of places I perform comedy don’t.
But I believe in evolution.
I believe we-- \h\h\h[laughs]
Thank you.
Not every audience claps at that part.
\h\h\h\hI believe we started on the ground 6 million years ago
\has tadpoles, and there was turmoil and violence,
time and pressure,
\h\hand we advanced, and we became frogs,
\hand there was more turmoil, time, violence, and pressure,
and we advanced, and we became \h\hbobcats or whatever’s next,
I don’t know.
And this pattern kept \h\hrepeating itself,
\hand we kept evolving, and here we are today,
\h\h\h\hlook, walking upright, straight spine, still evolving.
Who knows what’s next?
Maybe we can fly someday.
But we’ll never know, we’ll we?
\h\h\h\hBecause Patrick and all of his friends
\h\h\h\hare literally reversing evolution.
Patrick’s like this.
\h\hPatrick’s first child is going to be like this.
\h\hPatrick’s grandchild is going to be like that.
His great-grandchild’s \hgoing to be a bobcat.
\h\hHis great-grandchild is going to be a tadpole,
and then we’re gone forever.
We’ve ended civilization, and it’s Patrick’s fault.
Come on, Patrick!
It’s not so easy getting up.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGetting up is getting harder and harder.
\hNot just getting up off the floor either.
You know what I’m talking \h\h\h\habout right here.
Enjoy those erections, Patrick.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAll of you, enjoy those erections.
You think they’re sticking \h\haround forever, but...
Don’t get me wrong, \h\h\hI can still,
\hbut I’m not--I’m not packing the heat Patrick is right here,
I guarantee it.
What do you do, Patrick? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hStudent?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWorking? What do you do, buddy?
What do you do?
- [inaudible]
- Anesthesia tech ed.
Seems like those are three different jobs.
\h\h\h\hHuh? - [inaudible]
- Okay, so, anesthesia tech.
So, the anesthesiologist puts \hanesthesia on the patient,
and then you tweet about it \h\h\h\h\h\hon your phone?
I’m envious of your generation. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m envious.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAm I worried that you’re losing some toughness?
Yeah, I am.
Am I losing toughness \h\h\h\h\hevery year?
Yeah, we all are.
\hThink about the older gen-- think about my grandparents,
your grandparents.
My grandma? \h\hDoris?
[sighs] Tough.
\h\hShe lived through the Great Depression.
Do you know those people?
They don’t even speak...
’Cause they’re conserving \h\h\h\h\h\htheir words.
\h\h\h\hThey’re called the Silent Generation.
The Silent Generation. \hThey were tough, man.
My grandma, we moved my grandma
from one house to a smaller house,
and I was unpacking the box \h\hof kitchen stuff, okay,
and there was a spool \hof tinfoil in there
that she had reused \h\h\h55,000 times.
My grandma bought tinfoil \h\h\h\hone time in 1931,
and that is it for the tinfoil!
Meanwhile, I got boxes of tinfoil at my house.
Sometimes I measure \h\h\hincorrectly.
\h\h\hI crumple it up, throw it in the ocean.
I start over again.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd there was this little piece of tinfoil,
triangular shaped,
that she had folded over \h\h\h\hmany, many times,
taped shut,
packed...
moved.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd I found this piece of tinfoil,
\h\hand I took the tape off, and I peeled back the layers,
\h\hand inside was just a little piece
of a chocolate chip cookie
that she packed and she moved
from one home to a new home.
Isn’t that so sweet?
Isn’t that so indicative \h\h\hof that generation?
I mean, one time I moved,
and my new stairs, \hthey were steep.
They were steep, okay,
so I threw my couch away.
We should just get a new couch. \h\h\h\hThose are steep stairs.
Let’s--let’s just...
We're addicted to technology now.
We are completely addicted.
We rely on it.
It's making us dumb.
It's smart. It's smart.
Technology's never been smarter.
Smart phone, smart computer, smart tablet,
smart car, smart water.
Everything is smart.
Except for who? Us.
We're dumb as shit.
We've never been dumber in the history--
Have you spelled recently?
Have you tried spelling without your phone?
Are the words harder?
I was on an airplane doing a crossword.
I had to spell "silhouette."
[blows raspberries]
I don't know, "S"? Is it "S"?
Is it? Is it "S"?
"Commitment"? Fourteen M's in a row.
I have--is it? Is it, is it not?
"Diarrhea"?
I'd rather have it.
It's killing our brain.
Think about how many phone numbers you knew as a child.
Think about how many phone numbers
you had memorized as a child.
I knew everyone's phone number.
I'm 40 now.
I know one phone number by heart.
My phone number.
If I get arrested, and I can make one phone call,
do you know what I can do?
I can check my voice mail. That's what I can do.
I just have to hope somebody leaves me a message
with their number in it.
"In case you got arrested, call me back.
734-24--[...]"
I was reading a real book,
and I tried to pinch-zoom the real book.
Bigger!
We are addicted, it's making us dumb,
and it doesn't even work.
Does anything fucking work ever?
Do you like washing your hands now, huh?
Motion sensor faucet?
You like the motion--you like the motion sensor faucet?
Was that a good invention
that moved humanity forward through technology?
The guy that invented the motion sensor faucet
should be executed on live television
at halftime of the Super Bowl
as a message to other inventors!
I'm at the Atlanta Airport last week.
I'm like a bad DJ trying to get water out of the faucet.
[grunting]
Soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap.
S-soap, soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap.
Paper towel, paper towel, paper towel, paper towel.
Paper towel, paper towel, paper towel.
We're going to die of Zika,
because we haven't properly washed our hands since 1982.
Nothing works. Nothing works!
Every hotel I stay in, my magnetic key
loses power after three minutes.
And you gotta go down to the front desk,
and you gotta wait in line,
and when you finally get up there,
she treats you like a piece of shit, doesn't she?
"Well, did it touch something magnetic?"
"Huh?
Did you--did you have it touch something magnetic?"
"Yeah, Earth, bitch. It's all magnetic!"
Everything is magnetic.
Everything--that's magnetic, that's magnetic,
this is--everything's magnetic.
Why would you make a key that can't touch magnets?
You know what keys could touch magnets?
Old keys, the ones that went in the door
and turned the deadbolt.
They could sit on magnets all day long.
They could store on magnets if you wanted to.
"Uh, well, did it touch your cell phone?
"Huh? Huh?
Did you have it--did you have it touch your cell phone?"
Yes. Yes, I did, yes, yes, yes.
Everything touches my cell phone.
I drive with this thing lodged underneath my dick now, okay?
That's how much of an extension
the phone has become of our body.
Let's make a key that can touch our cell phone, please.
Let me get this straight.
I have a functioning magnetic hotel key, okay,
but if it gets close to the phone,
that breaks the key?
But it's okay just to hold this up to our brain?
That's okay?
It's okay to push this into our brain!
We're going to die because of this.
You know that?
We're going to die because of this!
Tonight!
You laugh at these jokes, but nothing will change.
They say comedy's powerful,
but not powerful enough to get you off the cloud.
What are we doing on the cloud?
Everybody, it's a failure.
The cloud is a failure. Everybody's hacked.
"Hey, put all your pictures up there.
"What could go wrong?
"Hey, while we're up there,
"let's put all our financials up on the cloud
and all our passwords."
Everybody's hacked. Everybody.
Yahoo, hacked, 2 billion people.
Apple, hacked. Home Depot, hacked.
Hillary Clinton, hacked.
Democratic National Party, hacked.
Capital One, hacked.
Equifax, 800 million people, hacked.
British Airways, hacked. Justin Verlander, hacked.
Ashley Madison. Ah! Hacked.
The fucking Pentagon's cloud got hacked.
You think your Flickr account's safe?
This is the cloud.
It's somewhere-- we don't know where it is--
that we store valuables that smarter people have access to.
Does that sound good? Do you guys like that?
You guys wanna use the cloud?
I would rather store things in a real cloud.
You know what's worked for centuries?
The ground.
Get a shovel, dig a hole,
put your dick pics in the hole.
Put dirt over your dick pics.
You would at least know
if somebody was hacking your ground, right?
"Honey, there's a man outside digging a hole in our lawn."
"Ah, fuck, we're being hacked again."
We're dumb now. We are dumb now.
You don't believe me?
We lock our car now, and as we walk away,
"Did I lock it? Did I lock it?
"Did I lock it? Did we lock it?
"Did we lock it? Did we lock it?
"Did I lock it? Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?"
The third time you hit lock,
you should be electrocuted to death,
and have to give your car
to someone that can use their fucking brain
and remember if they locked it .25 seconds ago.
Some of you aren't laughing.
You're the assholes I wake up to.
Every city, "Did we lock it?" [honks]
"Better be sure. Better be sure."
"Did we lock it?" [honking]
Use your brain, everybody, okay?
Can I tell you a little secret?
You know what happens if you don't lock it?
Nothing happens.
Don't leave a bag of cash
sitting shotgun,
and no one's going to break into your Kia Sorento...
Patrick.
What a fucking loser Patrick is.
"Anesthesiology tech
at Michigan."
Better hope I don't get, like,
some meniscus tear in my knee ten years from now,
and I'm laying on the operating table,
and he's like, "Patrick here."
"Ah!"
Fade to black.
- ♪ In Detroit and L.A. ♪
♪ People stop and they say ♪
♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪
♪ ♪
- L.A. is so dumb.
Dumb, you guys.
I was here the night Trump won, right.
I was on Sunset Boulevard.
Ah, it baffled me. People weeping.
[crying, panting]
"I can't believe it.
I can't believe it."
And I was looking around going, "You can't--
have you ever been anywhere else in the United States?"
"Have you ever been 30 miles east of here
"or Ohio or Tennessee
"or an Applebee's?
How--"
"How can you not believe it?
I can't believe that you can't believe it."
Get some perspective, everybody.
This is not even close to real America, okay?
All right? Look around, look around.
You see how everybody's pretty good-looking?
There's your first sign right there, okay?
People don't get new cars every six months
in real America.
You get a new car 49 years after your first car,
and that's because the engine flew out on a family vacation.
Smoothies aren't $11.85 for four ounces.
Nobody else in this country thought
"Birdman" was a good movie.
Do you guys know that?
Is that hard for some of you?
Is that hard for some of you to hear that?
"Well, I'm the cinematographer"--
No, everybody hated "Birdman," dude.
Stop tweeting that you hate the president.
"I hate the pres"-- every time you do that,
my friends back home load their guns, okay?
They're dumb.
Yes, you're right, they're dumb.
They are dumb,
and they're armed, aren't they?
And they're coming.
They're moving west.
What are we armed with here, what, avocado toasts?
What are you going to do, throw brunch at them?
Shut the fuck up.
L.A. is its own little bubble and world.
I have the worst agent. I have the worst fucking agent.
I'm sure he already left. Doesn't matter.
I can do the joke.
Dan Spector at WME Entertainment.
Do you know him? Dan Spector.
His email is D--[bleep]-- at--[bleep]--dot com.
They called me, I answered.
His assistant goes, "Can you hold for Dan?"
I'm now on hold. They called me.
I'm holding. I'm holding.
They called me. I'm holding.
I'm the one who's holding. They called me.
I was available. Now I'm holding.
I'm the one who's on hold. Who's holding?
I'm the one who's holding, okay?
And like an asshole, I held.
And she comes back ten minutes later.
"Michael, who are you holding for?"
"I'm holding for Dan."
"I'm sorry, he's not available right now."
"You fucking called me!"
So, last time I met with my agent, Dan Spector,
I took all his business cards, okay.
He had, like, 180 business cards on his desk.
I took them all.
Here's my favorite part about L.A.
Karaoke.
People take it seriously here.
They think it's an audition.
They think they're going to be discovered that night
after that song.
Here's how people in real America do karaoke:
You get blackout drunk,
you sing your favorite Journey song,
and then you drive home as fast as you can, okay?
That's how everyone else does karaoke in the United States.
But not in L.A.
Choreographed dance moves, you know.
They pass out headshots afterwards.
What?
So, I go to karaoke in L.A.,
and I put on my nicest suit,
and I bring my agent's business cards with me.
And after a really terrible but committed performance,
I go up to that person and I say,
"You listen to me, god damn it,
"I am a talent agent,
and I believe you are going to be a star,"
and then I slide them one of Dan Spector's business cards.
"You call me tomorrow,
"and if I don't call you back, you call me 10,000 more times.
Stop by my office."
And I circle the address.
"Send me packages.
Show me you have what it takes."
[chuckles]
Politics, look, it's not a straight line, okay?
It's not in this country.
It's not the left over here versus the right over here.
It's not.
I perform everywhere in the United States.
It's more like a horseshoe.
It's more like the shape of a horseshoe, okay?
Most Americans are up here in the center.
Maybe you lean left a little bit.
Maybe you lean right, okay?
But all the fucking wackos,
they go to the edge-- [whooshes]
And, look, they fall all the way down, don't they?
And look, they're kinda close to each other.
Here's the guy that loves guns and God,
and here's the woman that makes her own hemp sandals and honey.
And just let them kill each other, okay?
Just keep it up here. You can lean left,
but you keep one leg in the center, all right?
You can go to the right, but keep one leg in the center.
Just do this.
Just do basketball defense drills.
People here are like, "But I do make my own honey."
[chuckles]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[groans] I gotta wake up early.
[groaning]
I was having fun, you know, and then it got in my head.
I have a 5:00 a.m. flight \h\h\h\h\hin three weeks,
\h\h\h\hand I-I-I can’t stop thinking about it.
\h\hI mean, it gets in your head, doesn’t it?
My friends wanted to \hget drunk tonight,
and I was like, "I better not.
I got this 5:00 a.m. flight \h\h\h\h\hin three weeks."
And I know it’s coming, but you’re never ready.
\h\hYou’re never ready for a 5:00 a.m. flight.
\h\h\h\hI’ll sleep, like, eight minutes, you know.
\h\hI’ll pack drunk. You ever pack drunk?
It’s the best!
\h\h’Cause you land, and you see your bag,
\h\hand you’re like, what is in this bag?
What is this surprise box
that I sent to myself
from the past?
Oh, my God, I got nine T-shirts \h\h\h\h\h\hand a snorkel mask.
That’s great.
I’m in Kansas City \h\h\hin February.
\h\h\hOne time I got so drunk in Phoenix,
I packed, flew home, \hopened my suitcase.
\hI had the hotel’s TV remote control.
The grossest item in a hotel
I packed drunk.
When you fly somewhere,
you really think about packing, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know?
\hYou talk it out with each other.
"Do I need 12 belts?" \h\h\h\h\h\hYou know.
We stuff things in the shoes. \h\h\h\h\hThat’s a good spot.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe always weigh it. We don’t know, but we’re like,
"Oh, yeah, that feels about right, uh-huh."
But if you’re driving \h\h\h\hsomewhere...
"Bring it!
"Bring it, we’re driving.
Bring it!"
"Honey, should I bring \h\h\h\h\hthe blender?"
"Yes.
"We’re driving.
I may wanna make fresh tomato \h\h\h\h\hsoup this weekend."
"What about the treadmill?"
"It’s already packed. \h\h\hWe’re driving.
We’re driving!"
"2005 tax returns?"
"Of course!
"What if the accountant calls?
We’re driving."
Do you guys get it?
\h\h\h\hOr do you want more examples of stuff?
More? Okay.
"Sophie’s prom dress?"
\h\h\h\h"Yeah! We’re driving!
"Who’s Sophie?" "I don’t know!
\h\h\h\h\hPick her up! We’re fucking driving!"
It’s tough doing comedy.
It’s tough.
\h\h\h\h\hIt’s tough being a straight white male, man.
It’s tough. It’s tough.
We had a good run.
We had a good run, \hstraight whites.
4,000 years is a pretty good run, I feel like,
but, man, it is over for us \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthis year.
\h\hSo many unforced errors for the straight whites this year.
\h\h\hI can’t even do what I love anymore,
which is masturbate in front of \hwomen without their consent.
\h\h\h\hIt’s a witch hunt. You know it’s a witch hunt.
\h\h\hIt’s tough being a great straight white.
They got Bill O’Reilly.
They got Bill O’Reilly, \hFox News commentator.
Women accused him of \hsexual harassment.
He paid her $32 million.
[whistling]
$32 mil.
That is a lot of money.
That is so much money that I Googled harassment, okay,
and you know what \hharassment is?
It’s hearing unwanted \h\hor lewd remarks.
$32 mil.
Look, I live in New York City.
Where’s my $32 million?
\hA stranger threw a bag of shit at me
last month on the D train.
\h\hI can’t even get a free bus transfer?
All of you could jerk off \hon me for $32 million.
I swear to God. I swear to God.
I don’t want Comedy Central \h\h\h\h\hto cut that line.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI swear to God, all of you could jerk off.
You can do it twice, buddy, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right?
\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s why you’re sitting so high.
I get it.
Look, I don’t like \h\hBill O’Reilly.
Fuck that guy, okay?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBut that’s a profitable accusation.
I always thought if I had \h\ha daughter, you know,
I would teach her science \h\hor golf or something,
but now I think I’m gonna \hteach her how to flirt
and take screenshots.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMeToo is a powerful movement, okay?
It’s tough to do jokes about it...
But here it goes.
You can’t even say MeToo. \h\h\h\h\hGuys freak out.
\h\h\h\h\h\hStand up straight! Put your hands in your pockets!
Look straight ahead! \h\hClose your eyes!
Don’t move your head! \h\h\h\h[indistinct]
I don’t like saying the phrase.
\hI don’t even like saying the phrase.
My friends are like, "You wanna \hgo to the bar and get drunk?"
\h\h\h\h\h"Yeah, me too. Ah, fuck, not that MeToo.
\h\h\h\h\hUh, I will also, I will also, I will also."
\h\h\hI support victims of sexual assault, obviously.
I support victims of sexual \h\hharassment, obviously.
\h\hI don’t know what sexual misconduct is.
What is sexual misconduct?
Seems like every time \h\h\h\hI’ve had sex,
somebody is misconducting themselves a little bit,
doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?
\h\h\hDon’t you want a little misconduct?
\h\h\h\h\hIf you have great conduct in bed,
you suck at having sex.
That’s how that works.
I ask for misconduct.
"Hey, wrap this cord \h\h\haround my neck.
"Kick me in the nuts.
"Tell me my parents have been murdered.
I’m trying to come here. \h\hLet’s go, I’m close!"
\hI get accused of mansplaining a lot.
That’s for sure.
Any time I open my mouth now,
\h\h\h\ha woman says, "Stop mansplaining."
You guys know what \hmansplaining is?
Ladies, if you don’t know \h\hwhat mansplaining is,
raise your hand.
\h\h\h\h\hI can come by and explain it to you.
Do you know what mansplaining is?
\h\h\h\h\hMansplaining is when a man over-explains
something to a woman, \hbecause he believes
she doesn’t know what it is, \h\h\hbecause she is a woman.
And it’s a tough word \h\hto hear as a man,
\h\h\h\h\hbecause it gets us to evaluate our own behavior,
\hand that’s hard for us sometimes.
But I’m proud to announce \hthat I don’t mansplain.
I don’t over-explain to women.
If anything, I over-demonstrate \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto women, right.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m more of a "man-strater," okay.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s true. That is true, that is true.
I’ve been known to "man-strate" \h\h\h\h\h\hfrom time to time.
It’s a good word, "mansplain."
\h\hThank you, ladies, for coming up with it.
It’ll help us be better men \h\h\h\h\h\hfor you, right.
And I think you’ll appreciate \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe word
that I came up with \hfor you as well.
It’s called "woman-reacting," \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hokay,
and...
\h\h\hwoman-reacting is when a woman overreacts
when you tell her the truth.
\h\h\h\h\h\hSome of you are doing it right now.
[chuckles]
\h\h\h\hYou can’t tell a woman the truth, not 100% the truth.
\hYou can tell a woman, like, 80% of the truth.
\h\hI think that’s why they only make 80 cents
compared to our dollar.
Don’t woman-react. Don’t woman-react.
Don’t you woman-react.
\h\hDon’t you woman-react.
\hYou should be happy, when I wrote that joke,
it was 73 cents on the dollar.
\h\hYou’re a good audience for laughing at that, I’m serious.
\h\h\h\h\h\hComedy’s tough. Comedy’s tough in the U.S.
\hGender jokes are tough. Race is tough, you know?
\h\h\h\hPolitics is tough. What’s the toughest topic?
Guns.
Guns are the hardest topic \h\h\h\hto do jokes about.
You hear how quiet it is now \hthat I even just said guns?
Guns are tough.
It’s always tough to do \h\h\hjokes about guns.
It’s always too soon, isn’t it?
Isn’t that sad?
We love guns, man.
\hI think it should be our greeting, you know?
Instead of shaking hands, I think we should just--
[mimics guns firing]
\h\h\h\h\hGreetings take on the culture of its people.
That’s why in Japan, you bow.
In France, you kiss \h\hon both cheeks.
\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s our culture. We own 50% of the world’s guns.
"Oh, you’re American? \h\hNice to meet ya."
[mimics guns firing]
It’s the second thing we wrote.
Out of all the things to write \h\h\hwhen starting a country,
\hthe second thing they wrote down is,
"You better get a gun."
\h\hThe first thing they wrote down is,
"You can say what you want," \h\hand then they were like,
"But you better get a gun \hif you wanna do that."
We wrote that before women’s rights, slavery, healthcare.
That’s high.
Two is high, everybody.
\hEven Germany’s number two wasn’t
\h\h"Arm every citizen with a deadly weapon."
\h\h\hAnd that’s what gun lovers tell you.
\hMany people probably in this room will tell you,
"Look, man, Second Amendment: \h\hthe right to bear arms."
And they’re fucking right. \h\h\hThat’s what it says.
My only criticism of \hthat amendment is,
when it was written, arms were
a little different, \h\h\hweren’t they?
In the late 1780’s?
\hArms was a musket. It was 28-feet long.
It took 12 minutes \h\h\hto reload it.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou shot, like, a warped marble, you know,
that even if I aimed at him,
it would hit her in the shoulder.
\h\h\h\hA mass shooting would take nine hours.
\h\h\h\hTwo shots fired. Nobody injured or killed.
What do those words mean?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat do the words "the right to bear arms" mean?
Maybe we misinterpreted them?
Maybe it’s the right to show \h\hyour arms, you know, huh?
\h\h\h\hSun’s out, guns out. That’s where that comes from.
People misinterpreted things \h\h\hall the time back then.
Muslims believe if you die a martyr, you go to heaven,
you get 72 virgins,
\h\h\h\hbut depending on what translation you use
\h\hfor the word "virgins," it could also mean raisins.
Do you know that?
You might get 72 raisins.
Still good.
\h\h\hI’m just saying, if they fucked that up,
\h\h\hmaybe we fucked up the arms thing, you know?
I’m not anti-gun.
I can feel some of you \h\h\h\hin the balcony
putting your scopes \h\hon your rifles.
I’m not anti-gun.
I wanted to get a gun. \h\hI thought about it.
And then I thought about \h\hhow often I reach in
\hmy garbage disposal when it’s turned on,
and I was like, "You know what,
"maybe I don’t need \h\ha deadly weapon
flying around the house."
I do that joke in New York, \h\h\h\h\h\hand people go,
"He has a garbage disposal?"
[chuckles]
It’s just sad.
Yesterday, there was \h\ha mass shooting.
\h\h\hAnd I don’t even know when this is going to air,
but that last sentence \hwill remain relevant.
Isn’t that fucking sad?
\hLas Vegas is sad, El Paso, Parkland,
Newtown, San Diego,
I mean, Killeen, Texas.
You can’t even name them all.
You can’t even name \hthem all, right?
Orlando, the guy who shot up \h\h\h\h\hthe gay nightclub.
\h\h\h\h\h\hNot the gays! They love everybody, man.
We have a gun problem.
Hate to break it to you, \hwe have a gun problem,
\hbut we can’t touch the second amendment.
It’s a tough problem to solve.
\h\h\h\hPoliticians are not going to solve it,
but maybe a comedian can.
I have three solutions to solve the United States’ gun problem.
You guys wanna hear them? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hHere we go.
\h\h\h\hFirst solution: You only get two guns.
\h\h\h\h\hThat’s the max. You can have a short gun
and you can have a long gun, okay?
You can’t have 586 guns.
\hSecond solution: Women, you can have
\h\h\has many guns as you want, all right?
Bazookas, armored helicopters, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUzis,
swords that shoot bullets, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhatever.
\h\h\hNo women has killed more than two people in this country
with a gun since 1980, okay?
Even the YouTube shooter,
she slightly injured two and then killed herself.
[blows raspberries] \h\h\h\hAll right?
Fellas, if you wanna use a gun, \h\h\h\hyou gotta find a woman.
Ask her.
She’s going to say, \h\h"What’s it for?
"How long are you going to be gone?
"Who are you going with?
What time can I expect \h\h\hyou’ll be back?"
\h\h\hThird solution: If you’re a white man
with a bad haircut,
no guns for you, okay?
\h\h\h\h\hSorry, Patrick, that sucks, dude, but...
Hey, my name is Michael Kosta.
You guys are the best.
Thank you to Michigan. \hThank you to Detroit.
Thank you, New York City. \h\hThank you very much.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Thank you to Comedy Central. \h\h\h\h\h\hI love you guys.
Thank you very much. \h\h\h\h\hGood night.
[cheers and applause]
If this comedy special \hdoesn’t win an Emmy,
I put this dog down, okay?
♪ ♪