[Lewis Black narrates]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[Lewis Black] Making this show very special to me.
Thankfully, our cameras were rolling.
[laughs and whoos]
Thanks, uh...
Thanks for risking your life.
[laughter]
There have been times where I've been kinda shocked
that people show up but...
i-if the stock market hadn't crashed,
I would've-- I would've been able to give each of you a prize.
[laughter]
Fuck, I mean, the level of desperation...
that you're at is...
[laughter]
And I understand it, 'cause when they said "No more sports,"
I--I don't have a gun,
[laughter]
but I bought one.
[laughter]
I didn't know how many days I could take without--
I need fuckin'--
I need a distraction!
[laughter]
Can't... fuckin'...
ESPN should just turn themselves off.
Just stop it, okay?
Just fucking go away for a while.
Or just have, you know,
highly-paid athletes sit around and read children's stories.
[laughter]
Since the kids are at home, you know?
Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em!
I don't need to know [speaks gibberish]
Fuck you! Fuck you, hard!
And for me, it's like, the fact that, you know,
Major League Baseball may not start for a while,
is just, for me, is a kind of a vacation,
because my team is the Baltimore Orioles.
[laughter]
And so that's like rooting for
this speaker to win the World Series.
[laughter and whistles]
I'm avoiding getting started
'cause it's hard to be funny now.
And-and... you know why.
'Cause...
It's hard to be funny when everything's going so great.
[laughter and whoos]
It's just hard to be funny when everybody's so fuckin' happy.
[laughter]
I travel everywhere and everywhere I go,
I know it seems odd, but they are smiling ear to fuckin' ear.
It's like everybody's on ecstasy.
It is like wandering through a great big Christian camp.
And as a Jew, let me tell you how fucking exhausting that is.
[laughter]
Sometimes when I'm walking down the street,
Really, I feel like I'm on
a high school set of a production of Annie,
and at any moment, everybody's gonna start singing "Tomorrow."
[laughter]
There is a reason that people are really happy,
through all of this.
Something that really is deep.
And you forget it.
And I'm here to remind you.
'Cause--'cause that's my job.
[laughter]
It's true.
You know, when I was a child, I would get down
on my hands and knees every night
and I would pray,
"Please, dear God, when I get older,
please let there be...
two-day free shipping."
[laughter]
And I think, quite honestly,
that I speak for all of us here tonight,
when I say that our prayers...
have been answered.
[laughter and applause]
If two-day free shipping
doesn't make you happy,
there is something fucking wrong with you!
[laughter and applause]
The third time I put in an order,
and it arrived two days later,
Hoo! I threw away my Xanax prescription.
[laughter]
It's true, you gotta remember that.
Some of you will be at home,
be a little sad.
Fuckin' start buyin' shit.
[laughter]
Yesiree, Bob.
You know, I was, uh...
I'll give you an idea of just how--
how overwhelming two-day free shipping is,
when, in September,
when I first wandering around
this year and it was after the summer break that I took,
first city I went to,
uh... was Rapid City, South Dakota.
Okay?
And let me tell ya, that "Rapid"...
Don't--don't even fuckin' try.
[laughter]
You couldn't-- that was the most saddest
attempt at applause
I've ever fuckin' heard.
[laughter]
You literally went--
[laughter]
You've never been there!
[laughter]
That was like a joke told badly.
"Oh, I know what I'll do, I'll applaud..."
[laughter]
Let me tell you, the-- you know, rapid, the word 'rapid'
has nothing to do with [blubbers] Rapid City.
[laughter]
And I mean that.
I-- Look...
I don't know where you've come from,
but if you've thought
"Boy, I gotta get the fuck outta here."
I gotta--I gotta find another place to live.
Okay?
[laughter]
"I gotta find--" You--you get your ass to Rapid City
[laughter]
Get on a plane and fly there,
and I guarantee,
you'll be there four hoursand you'll go, "Fuck it!
I'm walkin' home."
You drive to Rapid City, you drive, drive, drive--
nothin', fuck, nothin', nothin', fuckin' nothing!
Nothing, nothing. It's South Dakota.
South Dakota, which worries about immigrants comin',
you can take 10,000 Syrians,
drop 'em in South Dakota,
nobody will ever fuckin' find 'em.
[laughter]
[whoos]
You drive, you drive, there's nothin', there's nothin'
All of a sudden, you go, "Fuck!
Now I understand what existentialism's all about."
[laughter]
And then, all of a sudden,there's Rapid City.
Ooh. And then you leave.
And there's nothin' and fuckin' nothin'.
Nothin'. Not a fuckin' Goddamn fuckin' nothin'!
[laughter]
First exit you come to, 70 miles later,
it says, "Don't bother."
[laughter]
Most places I've traveled in the United States,
you have a fuckin' sense
of why people settled there.
Rapid City... holy fuck!
[laughter]
The only thing I figured, there was a wagon train
and they just went-- [sucking sound]
"Fuck it!
[laughter]
I'm tuckered out."
[laughter]
[applause]
After forming Rapid City,
and I said,
the words "Two-day free shipping,"
and that audience wept for an hour.
[laughter]
the reason two-day free shipping is so important,
is because each of us,
has a hole in our hearts.
Yes, we do.
And the only thing that fills that hole,
is when we see somethin'
that we really want,
and we fuckin' buy it!
[laughter]
it could be as simple as a pair of socks with unicorns on it
and that thing arrives at your house, that box,
and you rip that box open,
and you grab that pair of socks,
and you shove it right in that hole.
and you feel good for about an hour and a half.
And then you think, "Fuck!
I shoulda got a dozen pair!
[laughter]
They're on sale!"
[laughter]
[applause]
Or, you can find yourself sittin' on a toilet seat
in a--in a bathroom.
in a--in a gas station.
Did you--did you hear how fuckin' silent you got?
[laughter]
Like, "Oh, not me." Fuck you!
Everyone of you's been there.
Everyone one of you has sat there
and looked at the lock on that door,
going, "I hope it holds."
[laughter]
And you sit there...
Now, and it used to be depressing. Not anymore.
Because now you think,
"This is'll be the perfect timeto buy that Barcalounger."
You take out your smartphone,
you bring up the Barcalounger,
it's this big, isn't it? You make it bigger!
Bigger! Until it fills the screen!
That's a fuckin' miracle!
[laughter]
Then you pick the color, everything you want.
"Do you wanna have a place to put your beer?"
That's why I'm fuckin' buyin' it!
[laughter]
Then you hit the button.
Fuck! It's gonna comein two days!
Son of a bitch!
You're so excited,you can barelyget your pants on.
You kick open the door, you're dancin' around,
"I'm gonna have a Barcalounger! I'm gonna have a Barcalounger!"
[laughter]
Then you go... "What--
What if they send the Barcalounger to this gas station?
[laughter]
And now you're a little depressed, aren't ya?
So you go into the gas station and you grab yourself
a 64-ounce Mr. Pibb,
and one of those corndogs that's been flippin' around
in the rotisserie... for 30 hours...
awaiting... your arrival.
[laughter]
And you stand there holding them both in your hands.
And for one brief moment, you think,
"Fuck!
It's great to be an American."
[laughter]
[applause]
[cheers and whoos]
These are great times.
They really are.
We've now discovered, uh, a whole new way...
of not gettin' shit done.
For the last thirty years,
no other country on Earth is more accomplished,
than having more and being able to do less with it.
Yeah. I don't even expect you to laugh.
And I don't give a fuck if you do or don't.
[laughter]
'Cause you know it's true.
We have roads that need to be fixed.
[blubbers] Why?
Why would we do that?
We've gotta argue about it.
There's no reason to argue about fixing a road.
There's nothing political about a road, is there?
It's a fuckin' road, douchebag.
[laughter]
There's no politics in a road. Why? 'Cause there's a left side and a right side.
[sing-songy] Ha ha ha ha ha.
[laughter]
[applause]
Now they're arguing about how to deal with the...
[chuckles] You need a bill in Congress to deal with the pandemic.
And what are they doin'?
[blows raspberry]
[laughter]
It's beyond belief.
Just have a scientist.
You ask the scientist,"What do you need?What needs to be done?"
They're arguing about it.
There's no fuckin' argument.
Get the fuck on it, you idiots.
[laughter]
I don't care what side you're on.
Get the fuck on it.
There's no discussion.
Okay? It's a fuckin' virus.
Fuck you!
[laughter]
You say to everybody, "Go home."
Well, [blubbers] Figure out what we're gonna do.
[laughter]
Okay?
If you need to give peoplesick-leave, you give 'emfuckin' sick-leave.
If you need to have a payroll tax,
you do a payroll tax.
I don't give a shit, just fuckin' do it!
[laughter]
[applause and cheers]
We've done something with these two political parties
that really is unbelievable.
No other country has done it.
No other country.
We used to have parties that argue ideas.
Ha ha! Not anymore.
Now we have two-- two separate political parties
that actually exist in two totally different realities.
and if you didn't laugh at that, fuck you!
[laughter]
And I mean it. As a friend, I mean it.
[laughter]
They are living in different realities.
How do I know that?
I took LSD.
[laughter]
That's how I fuckin' know it.
And then I walked around
and there were straight people everywhere.
And I was on LSD.
We were on two differentfuckin' planets, weren't we?
I was me and they all looked like snakes.
[laughter]
Some of you, uh, I know, are...
are worried about climate change and global warming.
Uh, because you're afraid it might lead to the end of the world as we know it.
Or at least be [sputters] uncomfortable.
[laughter]
And the reason that many of you think that
is because...
you listen to scientists.
[laughter]
And, uh...
and those of you that didn't applaud,
I'm interested in who you listen to.
[laughter]
No, people do listen-- that's--that's who you listen to.
And a lot of you do listen to them,
because it turns out...
that 96% of the world's scientists actually agree
uh, that global warming and climate change
may make things really uncomfortable.
And I know it's 96%
because I did research!
[laughter]
And if you think I'm happydoing research,
go fuck yourself!
If you think I got into this profession,
to look shit up, no!
I got into this profession to make shit up.
[laughter]
And the problem is...
when you listen to those scientists,
that can really fuck up a day.
You listen to what theyhave to say, a lot of you,
and you just go, "Fuck! I'm too depressed. I gotta take a nap."
And there's not enough two-day free shipping
that'll get you over the hump.
[laughter]
But you don't have to worry anymore.
No, you don't.
Because we the people made a conscious decision.
Yes, we did.
We decided that what we were gonna do
was hand over the problem of dealing with global warming and climate change
to a whole group of people
who never, and I mean never,
passed a science class.
[laughter]
And...
And they don't deal with this, with, uh, here...
Okay?
They deal with it here.
Thank you!
[laughter]
They deal with it instinctively.
That's what they do.
And their instincts say,
[pops] "Fuck it."
And so I don't know about you, but...
I'm feelin' better already.
[laughter]
Many of you, I'm sure,
don't listen to our leader and that is--
that's a big mistake.
I know that when he comes on, so of you go--
Uhhhh!
And you're missing something important.
An important lesson.
One that he has taught me
and it has changed my life.
And one of the reasonsthat I'm visiting your vi-llage
is to share that with you.
[laughter]
That's right.
And what is that important message?
And what is it that changed my life?
And what is it that makes me so fuckin' happy now?
Is because my--my leader has taught me that if I think it...
it's true.
[laughter]
[cheers]
And if I say it,
it's even truer.
[laughter]
Many of you don't know this.
but my breastmilk...
[laughter]
is a magical elixir for kittens.
[laughter]
Yes.
Yes, it fucking is.
[laughter]
Go to my website.
Two-day free shipping.
[laughter]
[applause]
I could--I could pull my fly down now,
and my cock would hit the back of this room.
Yes it would!
Yes. It. Would.
[laughter]
I know this 'cause I....
Thought it.
[laughter]
Many is the time I stand on the street
a woman has to stand a block away
to talk to me.
I can barely see the awe that's in her eyes.
[laughter]
I'll be returning next year with my new show,
Lew Black and his Big Magical Cock,
You're gonna want to see that.
[laughter]
My cock is so big,
they're gonna have to reconfigure this stage.
[laughter]
My cock's gonnago there, and there,and there,
and there, there.
The light show's spectacular.
You're gonna want to get the soundtrack.
They are building doors now so that my cock can get out into the street.
Because my cock needs to breathe.
[laughter]
And there, they will put 35 parakeets on the end of my cock,
I will pull back, I will disappear.
All you will see is my cock,
and 35 parakeets and they will sing for you,
"Tomorrow" from Annie.
[laughter]
I hope, uh, I remember, uh, my whole act tonight,
because I forgot to take my Prevagen.
Prevagen, for those of you who don't know,
and obviously some of you fuckin' don't,
[laughter]
is a remarkablememory-enhancing drug.
It's spectacular.
It's a miracle.
If I've taken my Prevagen, I would've remembered
to take my Prevagen.
[laughter]
It's so powerful,
you don't even needa prescription.
It's as powerful in many ways,
and as much as a miracle,
as our other drugs that are miracles.
Vitamin C and aspirin.
Every--every drug store in America sells it.
It's still on the shelves, unlike toilet paper.
[laughter]
Yesiree.
You could buyas much as you want.
I buy 1,000 boxes a week.
I take 5,000 tabs a day.
[laughter]
I'm having memories
of experiences that haven'teven happened yet.
I am living in the future.
Now I know that some of you,
some of you don't know about Prevagen
because you stopped watching news on television,
because you believe...
it is "fake news."
Or, you know, you have family members,
that you've visited maybe on Thanksgiving.
And they told you
that they don't watch news on TV anymore
because they believe it's fake news.
And that must've been a fun thanksgiving meal.
I'm here to tell you...
if you've watched news as long as I have,
anyone who's watched news
for a long, long time,
knows better.
There's no fake news, okay?
When I was a child, we would sit around the table,
it'll be my mother, my father, and my brother Ron.
At the end of the table,
uh, on the television, was Walter Cronkite.
I thought he was there because maybe he was a cousin or somethin'.
[laughter]
I've been watching news all my life.
On TV.
And what you learn is really simple.
And that is, there is not fake news,
because those fuckers aren't smart enough
to make shit up.
[laughter]
It's "news," shit-for-brains.
It's that simple.
When you see something, and then you see it again.
And then you see it again.
There's a reason for that.
It actually fuckin' happened!
[laughter]
Here's the news.
"There it is. Hoo!
Look at that!
Wow!
Back to you."
[laughter]
That's the fucking news.
I don't care what you're watching.
You think yours is the better news-delivery system.
MSNBC,
Fox,
CNN. They're all the fuckin' same.
The problem is this:
They show you somethin'.
And then six fuckers--
Six fuckers you've never seen show up
and start telling you what they saw.
And you sit there and go,
"Shut the fuck up! I saw it.
I know what I saw, shit-for-brains.
Why are you telling me what you saw?"
How did you get that job?
I could sit there and tell people
what I fuckin' saw, too.
And what I saw was much more si--
Well, I fuckin' saw it much more clearly than you did,
you fuckin' idiots.
[laughter]
And you sit and watch thatfor eight minutes
whether it's Fox, MSNBC, or CNN.
And by the end of it, you go, "Fuck!
I don't remember what I saw.
[laughter]
And then they have an ad for Prevagen.
[laughter]
That is not "fake news."
That is news delivered shittily.
[laughter]
That's what that is.
I am tired of political commentators
on news shows.
They shouldn't be there.
I don't care which channel you're watching.
They shouldn't fucking be there.
You want a political commentator?
Then bring on a barnyard animal.
[laughter]
They have more to say to us.
Like a lamb.
"What did you think, lamb?"
Baaaa...
[laughter]
"Back to you."
[laughter]
Prevagen contains an ingredient that was found in jellyfish.
That's one of the reasons you fuckers live here.
You know why?
'Cause you're afraidof jellyfish.
[laughter]
Yeah, you are.
You really are and it makes me sick.
[laughter]
But I can understand it.
You went, "Fuck! It's gonnabe a shitty day."
But no jellyfish is gonna sting my ass!
[laughter]
I figure the way they found an ingredient in jellyfish
is somebody was walking down the beach
and was feelin' a little hungry.
And they wanted to go home and they thought,
"I'll take one more swim,"
and they jumped in the waterand swam for a while.
and then they saw a jellyfish,
and they said, "Mmm, that looks tasty."
And they swam up to it and took a big bite.
And went, "Fuck!
Now I remember."
[laughter]
I know, uh,
that many of you
are paying, uh, an exorbitant amount of money
for your prescription drugs.
Prescription drugs that are necessary
for you to be able to see tomorrow.
Exorbitant prices for drugs
that allow you to lead a better and healthier life.
There are a lot of people who are doing that.
And if you're not,
then you know someone who is.
Or you have a family member who is.
Okay?
That's just the way it is now.
And we know for a fact 'cause everyone's heard it.
That many Americans are forced to choose between
whether they buy the prescription drug,
or whether they eat.
Ooh, there's an interesting concept.
"Gee, do I take the prescription drug and starve to death?
Or do I eat and [blubbers] fuckin' die from what I've got?"
[laughs]
Nobody should be put in that position.
But we've managed to do it.
And the reason that the prices are as high as they are,
is--is that we're about one of only two countries
in the whole planet
who made a decision
to advertise drugs to ourselves.
Prescription drugs.
The only other country that does that is New Zealand.
And that makes sense.
Why? Because they're way far away.
"How far away, Lewis?"
They're so fuckin' far away, that it's tomorrow there.
[laughter]
Why are we advertising drugs to ourselves?
There's no reason for that.
None. None at all.
Why do you see the doctor, numbnuts?
Do you think that the doctors are making shit up
when he tells you what to take?
Do you think the doctor'shiding the good shit from you?
Boy, I gotta go home and watch TV
and see what the dealer has to say.
[laughter]
Have you watched those ads?
Some of the ads, I don't even know what the fuckin' diseases are.
There's that ad for AFib.What the fuck is AFib?
What the fuck is AFib?!
I know nobody with AFib.
I know what a fib is,
it's a little lie.
That's AFib.
[laughter]
That means that fucker
was lyin', uh, little lies all the time.
Took the drug, now he ain't doin' little lies.
Who knew that was a problem?
There's three separate ads
in which people who seem to be really fuckin' happy
when they go to crafts fairs.
Are you shitting me?
Were they having difficulty going to crafts fairs?
Do they have a fear of crafts fairs?
"God Damnit, I've got to get to a crafts fair.
Son of a bitch, I need a dreamcatcher."
[laughter]
There's a ad in which there's a guy on the beach,
and he's playing the cello.
And he never knew how to play the cello.
But the pill that he's taken made it possible for him to play the cello.
[laughter]
Did you know that William Shatner
had sleep apnea?!
[laughter]
and he wasn't cleaning his machine properly.
[laughter]
The man who dared to go where no man has ever gone.
He could've ended up in the emergency room.
I did not know...
that, um...
Cyndi Lauper [pops]
had psoriasis.
That's not good, I had psoriasis.
That's no fun.
It's ruined her music for me
because every time I hear her sing, I think,
"Fuck! I wonder if she was itchy when she wrote that."
[laughter]
I heard "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" this morning,
I thought, [sucking sound] "Was she chaffing?"
[laughter]
At last, a couple of weeks before this part of the tour,
I was lucky enough to be able to route--
the tour routed well so I could go and see my mother.
It's important that I see her now
as much as possible.
It's tough now, I couldn't-- Even if I wanted to see her at this point,
she's on a kind of a lockdown.
Not because of the--the Coronavirus,
but because of the flu.
And it's important I get to see her because
she's, uh, 101. So, uh...
[cheers and applause]
And what's really important is
I want to get my hands on those drugs.
[laughter]
'Cause they apparently really work.
Whatever she's taking,
Ooh! My--my father...
Sam, he passed away in, uh, in May.
[stammers]
It--it's hard to think it's-- it's sad of course,
[stammers] And I--I mourn,
B-but he was 101.
So you can't really say,
"Fuck, Dad! You--you should've lived longer."
[laughter]
101... two parents who were 101.
That's, like, an insane kind of a lottery.
[applause]
It's-- I mean, that's sweet of you to applaud.
I did nothing, uh...
[laughter]
But there's a real shot that I'm, uh,
that I'm a reptile.
[laughter]
They were married 74 years
[stammers]
In order to be married 74 years,
you actually have to live forever!
[laughter]
Or you have to get marriedat the age of nine.
[laughter]
Well, actually, the secret to having
a marriage that also is as successful as theirs was
is they never, and I mean, never,
heard a word the other one said.
[laughter]
I'm asked from time to time, you know,
"How come they were able to live so long?"
And I, the reason is quite simple.
It's, uh, first they--
they never-- this will shock ya...
[sighs]
They never went to the gym.
[laughter]
Yeah. And those of you who didn't laugh,
think about that when you're doing your hot fuck yoga.
[laughter]
Unlike eating farm to table,
they-- everything they ate,
everything they ate,
contained preservatives.
Hence, they were preserved.
[laughter]
Quinoa...
never crossed their lips.
And it shouldn't cross yours.
[laughter]
Ancient grain?
You can bite my fuckin' crank.
[laughter]
That is bullshit on a stick.
Where do you find an ancient grain?
At the open-all-night ancient grain supermarket?
I don't fuckin' think so.
[laughter]
"Hey, would you like some quinoa,
with your protein?"
Get the fuck away from my protein
with that shit.
And it tastes like shit.
And if you don't think it tastes like shit,
there's something wrong with your fuckin' taste buds.
All I think about when I look at quinoa is
"They made sand taste better."
[laughter]
When my mother reached mid-90s, I said,
"What's it like living so long?"
She said, "I wouldn't call this living."
[laughter]
"I call it not dying."
"I call it overtime."
[laughter]
She turned 100-- this is absolutely true,
she blew the candles out on the cake and said,
"Nobody should live this fucking long!"
[laughter]
Hit 101,
she blew out the candles and said,
"I crossed the finish line,
now I should be able to drop fuckin' dead!"
[laughter]
And then we all sang, uh, "Happy Birthday."
[laughter]
My father, uh...
it was a blessing. My father was a--a bit more upbeat,
which was good.
He was born on Valen-- actually, February 13th,
the day before,
and uh...
we had a 100th birthday party on that day.
The last big birthday party for him
and, uh...
for the big party forboth of them
when they could kind of really,
deal with that kind of energy and stuff.
And, uh...
It was--it was a lot.
It becomes a lot after a while.
Uh, I got a text from a friend,
I took my father aside and I said,
"You know, Steve just texted,
and he said he's sorry he couldn't be here.
But he, uh...
wanted me to kiss you but not on the lips.
[laughter]
And my father, without missing a beat, went,
"Where did he want you to kiss me?"
[laughter]
I let that pass.
[laughter]
I said, "It's 100 years, Pop, and you've seen it all,
but what wisdom can you impart, what are you thinkin'?
What did you see?
What can you conclude from all of this?"
And he said, "The only thing I'm thinking about
is tomorrow's anotheris another fuckin'Valentine's Day!"
[laughter]
What am I supposed to get her this year?"
I said, "I don't know, but you got two-day free shipping."
[laughter]
It's tough, it's, uh...
we--we really weren't prepared for our parents to be living this long.
Our parents weren't prepared to be living this long.
Financially, it's tough.
It's why whenever they talk about
"This is the greatest economy ever."
They always do that.
Every--every bunch of years,
either the Democrats or Republicans--
Oh, boy, they start blowin' their own horn.
The only people who ever talked about the fact
that it's really a good economy,
the only people who ever say it's a great economy,
are either...
um, politicians,
for rich people.
They're the only oneswho say it.
Did you ever hear of somebody from the middle class go,
"Fuck! Ooh! I couldn't be happier!
[laughter]
This is reallyturning out great.
My 401K just had a 401K.
[laughter]
It's bullshit.
And it's bullshit becausewe're not prepared for things.
It doesn't matter. We don't prepare for things.
We weren't prepared for what just happened.
We--we put officials in place and what do they do?
[silly sounds]
[laughter]
And meanwhile...
meanwhile, before that shit even hit the fan,
my--my parents were not--
They had no clue
that they would liveas long as they were living.
and the only reason they were living
as long as they lived
was because I was, um,
I was able to get them 24/7 care.
And I was able to get them24/7 care
because I've been able to dupe you fuckers into seeing me.
[laughter]
And so...
[cheers and applause]
And so for those of you tonight
who may have stumbled inby accident, and are going,
"Well, I've made a big fuckin' mistake."
I just want you to know,
you know, you may not enjoy the show
but because of you, my mother will live another day.
[cheers]
But none of us were prepared for this. None of us.
Your parents weren't prepared
because they put a certainamount of money aside.
Your parents weren't prepared because when they were younger,
people had the common courtesy
to die at 65.
[laughter]
Yes, they did!
They would sing, "Happy Birthday."
And then the fucker would go, "I'm doing this for you."
And then they'd drop dead right in the cake.
[laughter]
But the parents didn't put away enough money.
They didn't! 'Cause they didn't expect to--
They put aside the money they thought they would need
until they passed away.
And-- [blubbers] and they kept going!
And--and-- so now the children,
who put money aside for themselves,
have to take out of that fund.
And put it toward their parents,
which they should.
And now who's gonnahelp those--
Who's gonna help you out, huh?
Who's gonna help you out?The kid who's still livingin the basement?
[laughter]
Greatest economy ever.
Good luck with that.
[laughter]
No, it's unbelievable.
I tried to prepare for it.
Before the, uh...
Before even, uh,
the assisted living was a notion for my parents,
I found a place in New York,
and one of the places I knew I'd lived there for a--
[stammers]
It--it would be whereI'd lived in New York City.
And I would stay there.
And so, one of the reasons I liked it,
it was a block away from an assisted living place.
And I wanted to take my parents there.
You know, my mother went with me.
I took her, it was a great place.
I said, "What did you think?"
She said, "If we lived thisclose to each other,
within three days, one of us would be dead.
[laughter]
And since I'm-- I don't think anything's gonna kill me,
I think it's gonna be you."
[laughter]
Many people say,
I hear this from time to time,
many people have a frontier mentality,
even though we don't live on the frontier.
And they think
that if your parentscan't live at home,
uh, or can't have assisted living,
that they should live with you, the children.
and whenever anybody tells me that,
I usually go,
"You don't have a fuckin' mother!"
[laughter]
Why don't you try to spend four hours with her, you fuck?
I'll give you $10,000 if you make it for 20 minutes.
[laughter]
'Cause I can guarantee youafter ten,
you'll be going, "Uh, look, can you get me a flight to North Korea?"
[laughter]
'Cause my mother's gonna break you, you piece of shit.
[laughter]
My parents moved into the assisted living situation
when they were 83.
They moved in with a whole group of people
who've never been in assisted living.
In a place...
a brand new place.
It was the first time, it was just opening.
It was a lucky break.
Finding a great place for your parents to stay
is a lucky fuck break.
Everybody knows that. We got very lucky.
But my mother basically investigated the thing
like she was a judge at the Nuremberg Trials.
[laughter]
So it worked out great.
And then they moved in,and they outlived everybody.
Everybody, by like a fucking mile.
And then they brought in new contestants.
[laughter]
And my parents outlived them.
As a matter of fact, every so often,
after their dinner, they'd get up and go,
"Bring it on!"
[laughter]
[applause]
And finally I called up the Assisted Living place
and said, uh,
"Looks like my parents won the contest."
They said it wasn't a contest.
I said, "Fuck you,this was the real Survivor."
[laughter]
My mother,
is quite honestly, this tall.
[laughter]
I'm a little worried, she may not die, she may just disappear.
[laughter]
But one thing that might save you money,
one thing I've been able to do
is I've been able to move herinto a terrarium.
[laughter]
She's happy there but she thinks the tortoise there is Mitch McConnell.
[laughter]
[applause]
I, uh...
I do travel a lot, I found myself, um,
looking over a city, I was on a mountaintop,
and there was a...
uh, a working farm there.
A small working farm.
An educational farm.
It was built by the--the folks, uh,
of that region,
in order to [stammers] to teach the kids
in elementary school and middle school
about what farm life and agriculture is like
because most of the state is agricultural
and these kids lived in the city
and they wanted them to knowwhat it was like.
and so...
Uh, I asked the folks who put it together,
what did they think
of how it was working.
and they said it was working well
and it was more important than they realized
when, uh...
they were noticing that a number of the children
didn't know...
that an egg...
came from a chicken.
All right.
[laughter]
Um, I was...
I was just in Elgin last night.
Uh...
I've been in Waukegan,I've been in Philadelphia,
Uh... Bethlehem, Pennsylvania,
everywhere I've performed.
I--I tell that story. Okay?
I tell people,
uh...
that children,
American children,
born and raised here,
[laughter]
don't know that an egg...
comes from a... [clucks like a chicken]
[laughter]
The reaction I get
is the same reaction I got tonight.
Fucking nothing.
[laughter]
I-I find that kind of, well, appalling.
I would think...
From the time I started telling this story--
when I first heard it, I was shocked.
I thought I would tell thisto others,
they will be shocked.
But no.
[laughter]
No. No, no.
No, you're not shocked.
There was no sense of shock in this room.
It was almost as if it was the same story
as sitting in the toilet lookin' at the bathroom thing.
-[laughter] -No!
No, no, no, no, no!
No shock.
They have broken you.
[laughter]
The last 30 years is so broken,
the American people and their spirit,
I told you something horrifying,
and your reaction was, "Yeah, what else is new?"
[laughs]
[applause]
"Add it to the list."
I just thought people were still singing
"Old MacDonald Had a Farm."
That's what I thought.
That's how I learned it.
"With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there."
"Here a chick, there a chick,"
Everywhere there was a fuckin' chick!
[laughter]
But I guess Old MacDonald lost his subsidy.
[laughter]
I don't care, I love that joke.
[laughter]
It's unbelievable. If I had a child,
but it's-- should be obvious to many of you why that hasn't come to pass.
If I had a child, my child would know where an egg came from.
I-I'd dress up in a chicken outfit.
[laughter]
'Cause that's how muchI love my child,
and then I'd take that egg
and I'd put it right betweenthe cheeks of my ass.
[laughter]
then I'd go down like this, I'd go,
"Here's where an egg comesfrom, it comes from a chicken."
And then I drop the egg.
And then it goes splat,
and me and the kid go, "Ha ha ha ha!"
And then when my child was taken away by Child's Services...
[laughter]
and went from one foster home to another,
at least my child would know...
Uh-huh! Where a fuckin' egg came from.
[laughter]
[applause]
There was a young girl who arrived, a college sophomore,
she wanted to work there as an intern,
they had a cow there, a mechanical cow.
Kids could learn, they can milk it,
so kids knew where milk came from.
And also, I guess, so they knew what a cow was.
So in case they were in a field,
and there was a bull,they didn't run upand grab its cock!
[laughter]
She went there.
She, uh, looked at the cow, then looked at the people,
and said, "Is that a cow?"
She's not working there as an intern,
Nope.
But you should know...
when you order your coffee and say,
"I'd like soy milk. I'd like almond milk.
I'd like oat milk." That's the new milk.
Fuck you, oat milk.
[laughter]
"I'm gonna put oat milkon my oatmeal. Ooh!"
[laughter]
That'll be exciting.
Almond milk, soy milk, oat milk,
All of them, coconut milk,
anything you squeeze to get white shit.
[laughter]
When you ask for that milk,
you're the reason that girl didn't know
that was a fuckin' cow.
[laughter]
I'm gonna read you something
because my brain would notallow me to memorize it.
If I memorized it, I would die in front of you.
The reality that I'm going to tell you,
is so frightening to me
that my brain will not touch it.
I'm serious.
And that is the reason-- I also read it
so that you know that it is real.
Because if I just told it to you,
you would think, "Fuck, he made that up."
Uh-uh. This is actually is happening.
This is New York,
"Stressed out New Yorkers are leaving the city
for sessions of therapeutic..
cow cuddling."
[howls and laughter]
I'm gonna say this...
If you didn't laugh at that,
you need--you need to take some real serious time off.
[laughter]
I recently--someone didn't like my act
and wrote to me that they didn't like my act.
and the thing they thought wasn't funny at all was the cow-cuddling.
And I thought, "Then fuck you, then you don't what funny is."
[laughter]
Cow-cuddling is funny,I don't give a shit.
I know it's funny, I didn't even make it up.
It's real so it's a-ha ha ha ha ha!
People are cuddling cows.
Don't tell me that's not fuckin' funny.
The Mountain Horse Farm in upstate New York,
a 60-minute session with a cow,
starts at $75.
So imagine what you can get for two-fifty.
[laughter]
But for those of you who hate your job,
I just gave you a fuckin' dream, didn't I?
[laughter]
You get two cows and set up outside of Grand Rapids,
you fuckin' will make a fortune.
[laughter]
"Cuddling a warm, thousand-pound cow
can impart a sense of calm."
The farm's website says
because the animals-- and this is quotes,
"Sense if you're happy, sad, feel lost..."
A cow!
Feels, "Wow, wow, this person feels lost."
A cow?
"Anxious or are excited."
If you're huggin' a cow, and you feel excited,
you need to see a doctor, bad.
[laughter]
"And respond without judgment, ego, or agenda."
Are you--? "without judgment, ego, or agenda."
Are you shitting me?
You could hold a rock,you could hug it.
You could fuck a pillow for that matter.
[laughter]
"Without judgment, ego, or agenda."
I would imagine, I would like to be on the phone,
when they--when they get the call
at the, uh, at the insuranceplace asking for the co-pay
for cow-cuddling.
I do know that, it's my firm belief
that if somebody's standing in a field,
with their arms around a cow,
8 minutes into that session,
they've gotta be thinking,
"How did it come to this?"
[laughter]
That...
That brings us to our leader,
Um, I-I'm not going to dwell on our leader.
I don't, um, do that.
Uh, I've never dwelt on any of our leaders.
Uh, but what's interesting with the leader now,
that I find astonishing,
in terms of audiences,
never, from the time that I began talking,
is to comic about any of them.
Uh, from even before Reagan, you had Carter,
from all of them,
this is the first time, uh, people would come up to me
or send--send something to something
and say, "I saw your act. You didn't talk enough about him."
Or, you talked too much about him."
Really?
Really, that-- do the whole fuckin' act,
that's what you came out of it with.
And when-- 'Cause I don't dwell on it.
And whenever people say that to me,
I usually, because I 'm polite, go,
"Hey. Go fuck yourself."
[laughter]
[applause]
I did a lot of-- I lived in New York City.
Uh, and he lived there. He lived there
probably no more than 25 blocks from me.
He was a neighbor, in--in a sense.
And, uh...
And--and I did jokes about him.
For 40 years.
And so when I was first asked,
'Cause-- so I knew him pretty well.
Much better than most people who watched him on TV.
Uh, because he's been a presence in my city.
So when I was asked by people, you know,
when-- [stammers] What should I think?
"Do you think he'll be good for comedy?"
And--and what I said--
and I still think it's--it's my best joke,
about him.
he'll be--he'll be good for comedy
in the way that a stroke is good for a nap.
[laughter]
Um...
I know that there's those of you who like him.
I've never liked him.
Any of them.
So when I don't like him,
I've never had more peopleoffended by the fact thatI don't like him.
I've never had that about anybody else.
You can't be offended that I don't like him.
I didn't like the one before him.
So, it's--it's not up-- it's not up for you
You--you made the mistake
You elected him, so [blows raspberry] I get it.
I get to say whatever the fuck I want.
Because I said it about the others.
And I can say it about him.
You don't get to be-- "But-- " [silly sounds]
No.
[laughter]
Mm-mm. You don't.
Okay? I'm glad you're happy.
A lot of people were happy
when, uh-- before.
With the others, they were all, "Oh this is the best ever."
Not for me. Not for me.
No president's made me happy.
'Cause I've never been happy with any authority figure.
And it dawned on me the other day finally.
The most disturbing thing.
And it was--and it was disturbing to me.
Uh, when I was watching him initially talk
about this--this virus.
And--and I was watching him and--and he was just--
And here's the problem.
I--I need an adult who was--
[stammers] I know this is hard for you to take, some of you.
He was--he was making shit up.
[laughter]
And I needed--I needed somebody with a... [stammers]
I need somebody to stand.
I need somebody with a stethoscope.
That's who I needed to listen to.
Not him.
Uh, and, [stammers] then I thought,
"Why is it bothering me so much?"
And--and it dawned on me for the first time ever,
that I'm listening to somebody
whose face is orange.
[laughter]
And--and not in the sense they say "Cheeto-face"
or "Orange face."
People have said that.
But it never dawned on me,it's always been derogatory.
I'm not saying this derogatory
There's nothing derogatory about what I'm saying.
It's the truth.
This is true.
You have elected--
You may love him,
but you elected a man who-whose face is orange.
[laughter]
I just want to knowat some point--
I know that you hated her.
I get that.
I never argued with that.
But then you went, that you hated her so much,
you went, "Okay, so... [blubbers] His face is orange."
[laughter]
You don't find that fuckin'disturbing?
I find it disturbing.
I need-- And what I reallyfound--
And then I started thinking,
"It took me this fuckin' long
to realize that's the problem I'm having?"
That his face is orange?
That I listen to a man whose face is orange?
Why am I listening?
Why the fuck am I listening
to a man whose face is orange?
And that those fuckin' idiot Republicans ran against him.
That none of them!
Fuckin'-- They stood there
and took all of his shit.
"You're a cracker!"
"You've got a small penis.""Your hands are so small."
[gibberish]
And he went through all that shit and none one of them said,
"Your face is orange."
[laughter]
[applause]
Then I don't respect the Democrats either.
They come out after a discussion with him.
Don't fuckin' tell me, you don't-- "I don't-- I'm mad
I'm mad and this and that and the other."
Just say, I--
I would've liked to have heard him.
But... his face is orange.
[laughter]
People didn't like
President Obama because he was a Black man.
That was-- And what disturbed him,
was that he might be from another country.
Kenya.
And that scared people.
His face is orange!
[laughter]
He may be from another planet.
[laughter]
[applause]
This is really what I think sums it up for me.
And that is that he was in, um,
North Carolina, he was comforting the people there.
He was comforting them for, uh,
'Cause they had, uh,
It was a,
a hurricane had hit last year.
He was standing there, looking at a man.
And the man was standing on his property.
On the property was nothing but a boat.
Everything else was gone, his house, all of his-- Everything!
The leader of our country said to this man,
"At least you have a boat."
[laughter]
He said, "It's... not my boat."
[laughter]
He said...
He said, "It's on your property.
If you had the right lawyer, could be your boat."
[laughter]
Um...
I'm gonna leave you now...
[stammers] With one last thought
which is what's wrong with America.
Um...
Because I know.
And you don't.
And I stumbled on it by accident.
And it's certainly not what I expected.
I was traveling when I learned this.
I was traveling to Buffalo, New York
to Jamestown, New York.Jamestown, New York is the home
of the National Comedy Center,
which has been named, uh, the best new museum in the United States.
It's dedicated to all things comedy.
If you love, um, if you love George Carlin,
if you love the Smothers Brothers,
If you love Garry Shandling--
The list is endless,
but there's a room totally dedicated
to George Carlin.
We have all of his stuff there.
-[cheering and applause] -Um...
So I've been-- I've worked with them the past number of years
and I will be there again this year.
And I was traveling,and I was feelinga little hungry,
I was peckish, and I stopped at a McDonald's.
It was one in the morning.
And, uh...
I drove in to the,uh, up to the box.
I was thinking of having McNuggets,
because that seemed like the healthy choice.
[laughter]
They had a new menu item, I did not know this.
Buttermilk tenders. Well...
this really piqued my interest.
So I said to the box,
"Do you know the differencebetween the McNuggetsand the tenders?"
And this, stumped the box.
[laughter]
It went radio silent. I thought the box needed a little cow-cuddling.
[laughter]
And so finally the box answered.
It took a while, but it said,
"Well, a McNugget is a McNugget.
And a tender... [pops, sucking sound] is a tender."
[laughter]
Well, armed with that information,
I threw caution to the wind.
I'm kind of a foodie, so I said, "Hey!
Bring on the tenders!"
[laughter]
I drove up to the window.
The employee came to the window,
"I said, don't go in yet, please.
Before you go, tell me,
do you know the differencebetween a McNuggetand a tender?
Without--without any hesitation,
the employee said, "Well...
The tender tastes a bit more like chicken."
[laughter]
That's what's wrong with America.
When the people in the shithouse,
don't know what's in the shit that they're serving,
and we, the people,
will get the shits.
[laughter]
And I've given you a great way to compare anything.
Anything.
Most importantly,
when you are asked the question,
and you will be asked the question,
"What's the differencebetween a Democratand a Republican?"
-[indistinct] -No, that's not the answer.
You know what the answer is.
You missed what I just told you.
And you'll have to stay after class.
[laughter]
A Democrat is a Democrat.
And a Republican is a Republican.
And they both taste [sucking sound] a little bit like chicken.
[laughter]
Thank you. Thank you all.
[cheers]
Take care of each other, okay?
Be well.
Love you.
[uptempo music plays]
[cheers and applause]
[light music plays]
- [laughter] - [Lewis Black] It's unbelievable!