WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:00.960 --> 00:00:02.459 - Announcer: Know your candidates. 2 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:02.503 --> 00:00:04.878 "let's be real" starts now. 4 00:00:04.922 --> 00:00:08.799 - Larry, I'm so sick of these third-rate political ads 5 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 6 00:00:08.843 --> 00:00:11.135 telling me how to debate. You're a pro. 7 00:00:11.178 --> 00:00:13.262 You know what works on tv and radio 8 00:00:13.305 --> 00:00:16.557 and whatever came before radio. I did a great job. 9 00:00:16.600 --> 00:00:17.808 You saw the ratings and the polling 10 00:00:17.852 --> 00:00:20.561 on breitbart, 4chan, 8chan. 11 00:00:20.604 --> 00:00:23.147 - Well, donald, I thought there were a few things you said 12 00:00:23.190 --> 00:00:25.983 that could maybe use rephrasing. 13 00:00:26.027 --> 00:00:28.152 - Rephrase what? It was perfect. 14 00:00:28.195 --> 00:00:30.029 - Well, when you said that thing about 15 00:00:30.072 --> 00:00:32.698 "proud boys stand back, stand by." 16 00:00:32.783 --> 00:00:34.950 - I didn't say that. Tucker, did I say that? 17 00:00:34.994 --> 00:00:37.286 - Obviously not. Do you seriously think 18 00:00:37.329 --> 00:00:40.289 just because you saw him say it, that means he did? 19 00:00:40.332 --> 00:00:42.875 That's what passes for evidence these days? 20 00:00:42.918 --> 00:00:45.294 - Rudy, did I say that? - Of course not. 21 00:00:45.337 --> 00:00:47.838 Who's blackmailing you? The ukrainians? The turks? 22 00:00:47.882 --> 00:00:50.174 Was it yusef, tall guy, eyebrows, scarf? 23 00:00:50.217 --> 00:00:52.384 Did he mention me? - Kanye, did I say that? 24 00:00:52.428 --> 00:00:54.470 - See? They wanna take pieces of you, 25 00:00:54.513 --> 00:00:57.380 like when gap called my leather running shorts stupid, 26 00:00:57.391 --> 00:00:59.183 even though harriet tubman said they were lit! 27 00:00:59.226 --> 00:01:02.978 - See that, larry? You're a disgrace. Lyin' larry. 28 00:01:03.022 --> 00:01:05.397 - Donald, you used that one for ted cruz. 29 00:01:05.441 --> 00:01:08.233 - You get out of this room right now! Out! 9/11! 30 00:01:08.277 --> 00:01:11.195 - Thanks, rudy. It's okay, he can watch. 31 00:01:11.238 --> 00:01:15.115 Look, I got this down. Tucker, throw me any question. 32 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:18.535 - Mr. President, are we close to reopening restaurants and bars? 33 00:01:18.579 --> 00:01:21.371 - You're very rude. You're a horrible journalist. 34 00:01:21.415 --> 00:01:23.040 - How would you characterize the effect-- 35 00:01:23.084 --> 00:01:24.833 - that's a very nasty question. 36 00:01:24.877 --> 00:01:27.169 You're nasty... And chunky. 37 00:01:27.213 --> 00:01:29.296 Your face looks like a depressed marshmallow. 38 00:01:29.340 --> 00:01:31.256 - Great job, mr. President, though I'm partial 39 00:01:31.300 --> 00:01:33.133 to when you say I'm as dumb as a war veteran. 40 00:01:33.177 --> 00:01:35.260 - Anything I miss, I'll tweet afterwards. 41 00:01:35.304 --> 00:01:37.471 - Donald, I think you need to be more positive. 42 00:01:37.515 --> 00:01:39.306 You gotta give 'em some real reasons, 43 00:01:39.350 --> 00:01:41.558 some things that you're gonna turn around. 44 00:01:41.602 --> 00:01:44.269 - Look, I know the economy is gonna come back. 45 00:01:44.313 --> 00:01:46.555 I know these things, okay? I have a knack. 46 00:01:46.565 --> 00:01:48.273 I'm way ahead of you. 47 00:01:48.317 --> 00:01:50.642 Did you know the virus was airborne in February? 48 00:01:50.653 --> 00:01:53.070 I did. I knew about it in December. 49 00:01:53.114 --> 00:01:54.729 I knew the bat that started it. 50 00:01:54.740 --> 00:01:56.865 Not a bad guy. Just diseased. 51 00:01:56.909 --> 00:01:58.817 Listen, you have to admire him. 52 00:01:58.828 --> 00:02:01.370 He was just another bat in the wet market. 53 00:02:01.413 --> 00:02:05.082 Look at what he built. Am I right, jared and ivanka? 54 00:02:05.126 --> 00:02:07.292 - Very nice bat. - A lovely bat, dad. 55 00:02:07.336 --> 00:02:10.170 ♪♪ 56 00:02:12.508 --> 00:02:16.176 - okay, joe, we just have two more of these. 57 00:02:16.220 --> 00:02:18.679 Let's go over your talking points. 58 00:02:18.722 --> 00:02:21.098 - Trump bad. - Beautiful. 59 00:02:21.142 --> 00:02:23.642 Okay, you just stand there, joe, 60 00:02:23.686 --> 00:02:25.435 and not be trump. 61 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:28.272 - Oh. Hmm. Kind of tight. 62 00:02:28.315 --> 00:02:30.941 So, barack will just squeeze in next to me? 63 00:02:30.985 --> 00:02:33.152 - We've gone over this, joe. 64 00:02:33.195 --> 00:02:37.364 Barack won't be next to you for any of these debates. 65 00:02:37.408 --> 00:02:40.367 - Well, how the heck are people gonna know I work with barack? 66 00:02:40.411 --> 00:02:43.495 - Well, you could say something like, 67 00:02:43.539 --> 00:02:45.706 "when president obama and I were..." 68 00:02:45.749 --> 00:02:47.457 - folks... 69 00:02:47.501 --> 00:02:49.585 [sips] 70 00:02:49.628 --> 00:02:52.504 barack and I, we're like brothers. 71 00:02:52.548 --> 00:02:54.256 Not in a black soul brother way. 72 00:02:54.300 --> 00:02:56.216 Come on, I see what you're doing. 73 00:02:56.260 --> 00:03:00.387 Anyway, we killed osama, both of us, 50-50. 74 00:03:00.431 --> 00:03:02.931 I killed the top half, he killed the bottom half. 75 00:03:02.975 --> 00:03:05.142 Hey, so don't come here and tell me 76 00:03:05.186 --> 00:03:07.436 and give me that, you know, that non... 77 00:03:07.479 --> 00:03:08.937 Anyway, my time's up. 78 00:03:08.981 --> 00:03:11.523 - Okay. Very good, joe. 79 00:03:11.567 --> 00:03:15.360 Leave 'em wanting much, much more. 80 00:03:15.404 --> 00:03:16.904 - So, who's playing trump? 81 00:03:16.947 --> 00:03:20.365 - Well, joe, we couldn't find anyone 82 00:03:20.409 --> 00:03:25.078 quite as dangerously unhinged and erratic as the president, 83 00:03:25.122 --> 00:03:28.207 so I settled on this rabid badger. 84 00:03:28.250 --> 00:03:30.167 [cage rattles] - okay, let's see what ya got. 85 00:03:30.211 --> 00:03:33.212 [badger snarling] 86 00:03:33.255 --> 00:03:35.130 that's baloney! Nobody's buying it! 87 00:03:35.174 --> 00:03:38.217 [snarling] 88 00:03:38.260 --> 00:03:41.253 look, this kind of thing, this rrarr-rrarr stuff 89 00:03:41.263 --> 00:03:43.096 this guy tells you, you know the deal. 90 00:03:43.140 --> 00:03:45.098 He's not gonna do any of that. 91 00:03:45.142 --> 00:03:47.100 He's had four years to do that. 92 00:03:47.144 --> 00:03:49.427 Come on, will you shut up, man? [snarling] 93 00:03:49.438 --> 00:03:51.355 ♪♪ 94 00:03:51.398 --> 00:03:53.357 - thank you so much! 95 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:55.275 I can't tell you how absolutely snoggered I am 96 00:03:55.319 --> 00:03:58.445 to have someone in the car again! Sugar ray himself! 97 00:03:58.489 --> 00:04:00.155 - Well, thank you, james, but I'm mark mcgrath. 98 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:02.199 The band was sugar ray. 99 00:04:02.243 --> 00:04:04.117 - You wouldn't believe how difficult it's been 100 00:04:04.161 --> 00:04:05.577 to get celebrities in close quarters, 101 00:04:05.621 --> 00:04:07.829 but now everything's back to normal. 102 00:04:07.873 --> 00:04:08.497 - I mean, I don't know about that. 103 00:04:08.540 --> 00:04:09.906 - Everyone's buzzing 104 00:04:09.917 --> 00:04:11.166 about this banger of an election, and here I am 105 00:04:11.210 --> 00:04:13.994 with one of the biggest stars in the universe! 106 00:04:14.004 --> 00:04:14.962 - That's kind of you, bro, but I'm just-- 107 00:04:15.005 --> 00:04:16.964 - yes, you are! You're everywhere! 108 00:04:17.007 --> 00:04:20.467 "celebrity big brother," "2013 celebrity wife swap," 109 00:04:20.511 --> 00:04:23.637 um, etcetera. It's all happening! 110 00:04:23.681 --> 00:04:25.097 May I turn on the radio for a scooch? 111 00:04:25.140 --> 00:04:26.298 - Yeah. 112 00:04:26.308 --> 00:04:29.184 Both: ♪ I just wanna fly ♪ 113 00:04:29.228 --> 00:04:30.102 ♪ like a birdie in the sky I'm so high ♪ 114 00:04:30.145 --> 00:04:31.478 - perfection! 115 00:04:31.522 --> 00:04:34.314 "stairway to heaven" is a train wreck by comparison. 116 00:04:34.358 --> 00:04:35.399 This should be the national anthem. 117 00:04:35.442 --> 00:04:37.442 - ♪ I just wanna ♪ [clears throat] 118 00:04:37.486 --> 00:04:39.569 - sorry, was that a cough, luv? 119 00:04:39.613 --> 00:04:42.447 - Uh, no, just a little, uh, popcorn in my throat. 120 00:04:42.491 --> 00:04:45.409 - Right. 121 00:04:45.452 --> 00:04:46.576 ♪ I just wanna fly ♪ 122 00:04:46.620 --> 00:04:48.161 oh, what fun. 123 00:04:48.205 --> 00:04:50.080 We're proper social distancing and such, 124 00:04:50.124 --> 00:04:52.040 to set an example. - Happy to do it. 125 00:04:52.084 --> 00:04:53.834 - It's like you're being chauffeured. 126 00:04:53.877 --> 00:04:55.168 I bet it's been a while. - You know, actually, 127 00:04:55.212 --> 00:04:58.046 I drove a limo for "celebrity job swap," 128 00:04:58.090 --> 00:04:59.339 but it never aired for some reason. 129 00:04:59.383 --> 00:05:02.092 - Oh, I love that one! - [clears throat] 130 00:05:04.221 --> 00:05:06.138 ♪ hey now, you're an all-star ♪ 131 00:05:06.181 --> 00:05:08.974 - oh, so much fun. Sorry, mark. 132 00:05:09.018 --> 00:05:10.392 I was panicking, now we're glorious! 133 00:05:10.436 --> 00:05:13.312 But you really outdid yourself here! 134 00:05:13.355 --> 00:05:16.231 - It's cool, james, but that's a smash mouth song. 135 00:05:16.275 --> 00:05:19.067 - Beg pardon, luv, I can't hear. 136 00:05:19.111 --> 00:05:22.571 - It's a smash mouth song called "all star." huge hit in 1999. 137 00:05:22.614 --> 00:05:24.281 - Just bloody sing it! 138 00:05:24.325 --> 00:05:26.116 - ♪ hey now you're an all-star ♪ [phone rings] 139 00:05:26.160 --> 00:05:30.454 - what? A real celebrity? Who? Are you serious? 140 00:05:30.497 --> 00:05:32.372 He wants to do it now? Where is he? 141 00:05:32.416 --> 00:05:35.459 - Yo, let me in, fam! - Kanye! 142 00:05:35.502 --> 00:05:36.460 [brakes screech] 143 00:05:36.503 --> 00:05:39.254 [thudding] 144 00:05:39.298 --> 00:05:43.091 kanye, I can't believe this! A music legend, 145 00:05:43.135 --> 00:05:44.801 and a genuine presidential candidate 146 00:05:44.845 --> 00:05:46.345 in seven lucky states! 147 00:05:46.388 --> 00:05:49.014 - They want to silence me, but closed mouths cannot-- 148 00:05:49.058 --> 00:05:50.140 [car thumps] what's that? 149 00:05:50.184 --> 00:05:52.434 - Oh, a speed bump. No bother. 150 00:05:52.478 --> 00:05:55.312 What shall we play? I so love "gold digger." 151 00:05:55.356 --> 00:05:57.272 - nah, I got this, fam! I'm here to fix 152 00:05:57.316 --> 00:06:00.025 what the politicians broke! Ah-choo! 153 00:06:00.069 --> 00:06:02.361 - [laughs] oh, that's all right, luv. 154 00:06:02.404 --> 00:06:05.322 It's an honor! Megastar spittle! 155 00:06:05.366 --> 00:06:07.282 - Check out my south carolina campaign speech! 156 00:06:07.326 --> 00:06:09.951 - Oh, I love this one. A classic. 157 00:06:09.995 --> 00:06:13.538 Both: "well, harriet tubman never actually freed the slaves. 158 00:06:13.582 --> 00:06:16.083 She just had the slaves go work for other white people." 159 00:06:16.126 --> 00:06:18.168 [tapping on window] 160 00:06:18.212 --> 00:06:21.004 - you guys got any bactine? - I'm talking to kanye! 161 00:06:21.048 --> 00:06:25.083 ♪♪ 162 00:06:25.094 --> 00:06:27.928 - now, joe, your practice moderator 163 00:06:27.971 --> 00:06:29.930 will be rachel maddow. 164 00:06:29.973 --> 00:06:32.391 - Good evening, mr. Vice president. 165 00:06:32.434 --> 00:06:35.811 So, here's how this is going to work. I'm sorry. 166 00:06:35.854 --> 00:06:39.272 Here's how this would work in normal times, 167 00:06:39.316 --> 00:06:42.609 but we're not living in normal times, are we? 168 00:06:43.946 --> 00:06:45.562 - Is... Is that our first question? 169 00:06:45.572 --> 00:06:49.324 - No, mr. Vice president. The first question is, 170 00:06:49.368 --> 00:06:53.286 how did we get here? The year was 1858. 171 00:06:53.330 --> 00:06:56.581 The country was at a crossroads. - Rachel, dear, 172 00:06:56.625 --> 00:07:00.043 I said, if you take more than 20 seconds, joe... 173 00:07:00.087 --> 00:07:01.420 - [snoring] 174 00:07:01.463 --> 00:07:04.047 - is he dead? 'cause I'm ready. 175 00:07:04.091 --> 00:07:07.259 Got the oath of office right here. Just say the word. 176 00:07:07.302 --> 00:07:09.594 - Uh, no, kamala. - [mumbling] barack obama... 177 00:07:09.638 --> 00:07:11.012 - Is he awake now? 178 00:07:11.056 --> 00:07:14.215 - For 35 cents, you can own a two-bedroom home. 179 00:07:14.226 --> 00:07:16.226 The beer foamed up differently that day. 180 00:07:16.270 --> 00:07:20.564 - No, no, joe tells longwinded anecdotes, even when sleeping. 181 00:07:20.607 --> 00:07:23.066 Doctors call it sleep meandering. 182 00:07:23.110 --> 00:07:26.519 Rachel, please, get to the point. 183 00:07:26.530 --> 00:07:29.322 - And thanks to the invention of the telegraph... 184 00:07:29.366 --> 00:07:31.491 Calligraphy, of course, has a very long 185 00:07:31.535 --> 00:07:33.034 and complicated history... 186 00:07:33.078 --> 00:07:36.371 How much do we really know about guglielmo marconi? 187 00:07:36.415 --> 00:07:40.542 Radio waves... Someone we still want to be promoting in 2020... 188 00:07:40.586 --> 00:07:44.004 Which is how opium first became entrenched in our cities. 189 00:07:44.047 --> 00:07:45.547 Of course... - [snoring] 190 00:07:45.591 --> 00:07:48.383 - I guess they're all gonna be out for a while. 191 00:07:48.427 --> 00:07:50.552 Give me some volume and check for ticks. 192 00:07:50.596 --> 00:07:52.596 ♪♪ 193 00:07:57.060 --> 00:08:00.187 ♪♪ 194 00:08:00.230 --> 00:08:02.606 - and welcome back to "a.M. Sarasota." 195 00:08:02.649 --> 00:08:05.066 it is 72 degrees and warm. 196 00:08:05.110 --> 00:08:07.944 Looks like another winner. Charlie? 197 00:08:07.988 --> 00:08:10.530 - Yes, it does. That's why there's no better place to be 198 00:08:10.574 --> 00:08:12.449 than here in central florida 199 00:08:12.493 --> 00:08:16.453 on the best midmorning show in the region. 200 00:08:16.497 --> 00:08:19.498 - You've got that right. And joining us here in the studio 201 00:08:19.541 --> 00:08:22.742 are two of your favorites. You loved him as norm from "cheers," 202 00:08:22.753 --> 00:08:25.504 george wendt, and loved her on "sister, sister." 203 00:08:25.547 --> 00:08:27.005 please welcome jackee. 204 00:08:27.049 --> 00:08:28.215 - They are soon to be starring 205 00:08:28.258 --> 00:08:30.550 in the revival of "hello, dolly!" 206 00:08:30.594 --> 00:08:34.221 at the broadway palm dinner theatre in fort myers. Welcome. 207 00:08:34.264 --> 00:08:35.263 - Thanks. - Yeah. 208 00:08:35.307 --> 00:08:36.973 - "hello, dolly!" 209 00:08:37.017 --> 00:08:39.133 it takes place in a simpler time, 210 00:08:39.144 --> 00:08:41.436 when women sought matchmakers to find men. 211 00:08:41.480 --> 00:08:44.314 Nowadays, of course, that would be considered wrong, 212 00:08:44.358 --> 00:08:48.318 but people from that era were not bad people, were they? 213 00:08:48.362 --> 00:08:49.444 - Well, I certainly don't think 214 00:08:49.488 --> 00:08:51.396 that dolly levi was a bad person. 215 00:08:51.406 --> 00:08:53.573 I mean, for her time, she was, you know, quite... 216 00:08:53.617 --> 00:08:57.536 - Do you ever find that people often consider something wrong, 217 00:08:57.579 --> 00:08:59.612 but then we learn that, 218 00:08:59.623 --> 00:09:02.332 to people from an earlier time-- 219 00:09:02.376 --> 00:09:05.752 even recent times-- it was 100% not wrong? 220 00:09:07.789 --> 00:09:08.505 - Well... 221 00:09:08.549 --> 00:09:13.134 ♪♪ 222 00:09:15.389 --> 00:09:17.264 - I'm sorry. What was the question again? 223 00:09:17.307 --> 00:09:21.184 - Ah! So, you forget what was just asked of you, 224 00:09:21.228 --> 00:09:24.688 so you'd agree, if someone tells an internal investigator 225 00:09:24.731 --> 00:09:30.277 "I don't recall" once or even 15 times in his deposition, 226 00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:33.405 it's perfectly reasonable. - Well, I heard what you asked. 227 00:09:33.448 --> 00:09:35.365 I just don't know what you meant. 228 00:09:35.409 --> 00:09:38.910 - And so maybe there was some sort of miscommunication. 229 00:09:38.954 --> 00:09:41.496 In other words, what you think you heard me say 230 00:09:41.540 --> 00:09:44.916 was different from what I intended, 231 00:09:44.960 --> 00:09:48.086 so the obvious solution would be to let it go 232 00:09:48.130 --> 00:09:51.256 and move on with our lives, right? 233 00:09:51.300 --> 00:09:54.175 - I think what charlie is saying is, 234 00:09:54.219 --> 00:09:57.971 we once thought it was fine to smoke on an elevator, 235 00:09:58.015 --> 00:10:00.140 and now it's not. 236 00:10:00.183 --> 00:10:02.475 Or if a man would close a bathroom door 237 00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:06.146 to be alone with a woman, that was considered flirting, 238 00:10:06.189 --> 00:10:09.107 and now it's not. 239 00:10:09.192 --> 00:10:10.817 - Are you guys talking about your me too thing? 240 00:10:10.861 --> 00:10:13.987 - Me too? Really? In 2020? 241 00:10:14.031 --> 00:10:16.364 - With all the turmoil in the world this year, 242 00:10:16.408 --> 00:10:20.327 between the covid-19 outbreak and black lives matter protests, 243 00:10:20.370 --> 00:10:23.288 does anyone even care or remember 244 00:10:23.332 --> 00:10:25.874 the things we were obsessed about in 2019, 245 00:10:25.917 --> 00:10:27.334 like which white person 246 00:10:27.377 --> 00:10:32.380 may or may not have groped another white person? 247 00:10:32.424 --> 00:10:34.591 - Can you guys stick around for our cooking segment? 248 00:10:34.635 --> 00:10:35.967 - Uh... - No. 249 00:10:36.011 --> 00:10:37.010 - No, not really. - We can't. 250 00:10:37.054 --> 00:10:42.006 [button clicks, steel bars clanking] 251 00:10:42.017 --> 00:10:42.515 - we'll be right back. 252 00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:46.094 ♪♪ 253 00:10:46.104 --> 00:10:47.437 - mr. Vice president, won't you consider 254 00:10:47.481 --> 00:10:50.315 wearing a mask indoors or at least in the elevator? 255 00:10:50.359 --> 00:10:52.525 - The president's not afraid, and neither am I. 256 00:10:52.569 --> 00:10:55.362 We can't let our silly little fears get the best of us. 257 00:10:55.405 --> 00:10:57.489 - Yes, sir. - [clears throat] 258 00:10:57.532 --> 00:10:59.949 - wait! Come back! I'm alone with a... 259 00:10:59.993 --> 00:11:01.951 [doors slam shut] 260 00:11:01.995 --> 00:11:03.161 ...Woman. 261 00:11:03.205 --> 00:11:07.123 ♪♪ 262 00:11:07.167 --> 00:11:11.252 relax, mike. It's gonna be fine. It's one quick elevator ride. 263 00:11:11.296 --> 00:11:13.963 ♪♪ 264 00:11:14.007 --> 00:11:15.423 - good afternoon, mr. Vice president. 265 00:11:15.467 --> 00:11:17.258 - I love my wife! 266 00:11:17.302 --> 00:11:22.305 [bell dinging, clock ticking] 267 00:11:22.349 --> 00:11:26.434 dear lord, this has gone far enough. I have to tell her. 268 00:11:26.478 --> 00:11:27.977 ♪♪ 269 00:11:28.021 --> 00:11:29.145 - hello? 270 00:11:29.189 --> 00:11:31.231 - Karen, I've dishonored you! 271 00:11:31.274 --> 00:11:34.109 I'm in an elevator with another woman! Please forgive me! 272 00:11:34.152 --> 00:11:37.153 - How could you, mike? Thou shalt reap what thou soweth! 273 00:11:37.197 --> 00:11:40.198 Feldman! Yes, you! Come in here now! 274 00:11:40.242 --> 00:11:41.533 - Karen, what's happening? 275 00:11:41.576 --> 00:11:43.535 - He's watching me brush my hair! 276 00:11:43.578 --> 00:11:45.995 - No! - Too late, mike! 277 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:48.039 Now we're holding opposite ends of the doorknob 278 00:11:48.083 --> 00:11:50.959 at the same time! 279 00:11:51.002 --> 00:11:54.045 - Mother, I'm begging you, I'll never do this again. 280 00:11:54.089 --> 00:11:56.464 I'll have every elevator thoroughly vetted. 281 00:11:56.508 --> 00:11:58.007 [disconnected call beeps] 282 00:11:58.051 --> 00:12:01.553 [sighs] I left her no choice. 283 00:12:01.596 --> 00:12:03.263 [elevator bell dings] 284 00:12:03.306 --> 00:12:05.056 [sighs] 285 00:12:05.100 --> 00:12:06.891 ♪♪ 286 00:12:06.935 --> 00:12:11.229 oh, jesus, why are you testing me? 287 00:12:11.273 --> 00:12:13.606 [elevator jolts] [groans] 288 00:12:13.650 --> 00:12:16.025 - I think it's stuck! 289 00:12:16.069 --> 00:12:17.569 [phone rings] 290 00:12:17.612 --> 00:12:20.655 - mike, I've decided to forgive you. Just come up. 291 00:12:20.699 --> 00:12:22.449 - I can't. We're stuck. 292 00:12:22.492 --> 00:12:24.826 - "we're"? "we're"?! 293 00:12:24.870 --> 00:12:27.203 - [sobs] yes. - Feldman, get back in here! 294 00:12:27.247 --> 00:12:29.205 And bring those maintenance men with you! 295 00:12:29.249 --> 00:12:32.584 - No! [groans] oh, I've got to get out. Oh! 296 00:12:32.627 --> 00:12:35.336 I've got to get out! Got to get out of here! 297 00:12:35.380 --> 00:12:36.504 [hyperventilating] 298 00:12:36.548 --> 00:12:39.382 oh, hallelujah. 299 00:12:39.426 --> 00:12:40.383 [bell dings] 300 00:12:42.345 --> 00:12:43.511 oh. 301 00:12:43.555 --> 00:12:45.263 Come on. [tapping] 302 00:12:45.307 --> 00:12:50.268 ♪♪ 303 00:12:50.312 --> 00:12:53.980 oh... Aren't you...? 304 00:12:54.024 --> 00:12:57.400 - Yes, I'm widow von'du from "rupaul's drag race." 305 00:12:57.444 --> 00:12:58.735 ♪♪ 306 00:12:58.779 --> 00:13:00.361 - can't take the risk. 307 00:13:00.405 --> 00:13:01.488 ♪♪ 308 00:13:01.531 --> 00:13:02.322 [shattering glass] 309 00:13:02.365 --> 00:13:04.449 ♪♪ 310 00:13:04.493 --> 00:13:06.242 - announcer: You loved him on the campaign trail! 311 00:13:06.286 --> 00:13:08.369 - "corn pop" was a bad dude. 312 00:13:08.413 --> 00:13:09.445 If you can't figure out if you're for me or trump, 313 00:13:09.456 --> 00:13:11.039 you ain't black. 314 00:13:11.082 --> 00:13:13.574 Poor kids are just as bright as white kids. 315 00:13:13.585 --> 00:13:17.420 - Announcer: Now, joe biden has his own brand new game show! 316 00:13:17.464 --> 00:13:19.339 - I like barbecue, I'm a pretty good dancer, 317 00:13:19.382 --> 00:13:21.132 my team's the miami heat, 318 00:13:21.176 --> 00:13:22.300 I do a lot of shopping at patagonia... 319 00:13:22.344 --> 00:13:25.720 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 320 00:13:25.806 --> 00:13:28.097 - I enjoy hip hop, I went to howard university, 321 00:13:28.141 --> 00:13:29.265 and I like bar trivia. 322 00:13:29.309 --> 00:13:31.476 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 323 00:13:31.520 --> 00:13:34.229 Hey, look, I mean, I misspoke, okay, 324 00:13:34.272 --> 00:13:37.315 when I said not voting for me makes you not black. 325 00:13:37.359 --> 00:13:40.193 I know there are all kinds of things that make you not black, 326 00:13:40.237 --> 00:13:43.905 so let's have some fun and win some money! 327 00:13:43.949 --> 00:13:45.114 - I was born and raised in atlanta, 328 00:13:45.158 --> 00:13:46.315 my dad's a security guard... 329 00:13:46.326 --> 00:13:48.910 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 330 00:13:48.954 --> 00:13:51.329 - Well, I drive a chevy, I'm a side sleeper... 331 00:13:51.373 --> 00:13:53.623 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 332 00:13:53.667 --> 00:13:56.000 - How does side sleeping make me not...? 333 00:13:56.044 --> 00:13:58.211 - My judgments are final. Too bad. 334 00:13:58.255 --> 00:14:00.505 She was just three black attributes away 335 00:14:00.549 --> 00:14:03.007 from winning the $10,000. 336 00:14:03.051 --> 00:14:04.217 - I like stew... 337 00:14:04.261 --> 00:14:05.969 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 338 00:14:06.012 --> 00:14:07.178 - I'm 6'1"... 339 00:14:07.222 --> 00:14:10.181 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 340 00:14:10.225 --> 00:14:12.267 - I'm not playing this game. 341 00:14:12.310 --> 00:14:15.395 I mean, the whole premise is offensive. Who are you... 342 00:14:15.438 --> 00:14:17.605 Who is anyone to presume 343 00:14:17.649 --> 00:14:20.066 to determine another individual's identity? 344 00:14:20.110 --> 00:14:23.194 - [sighs] you know, thank you. 345 00:14:23.238 --> 00:14:25.238 I think I just learned something here 346 00:14:25.282 --> 00:14:28.199 about how no person's race defines him, 347 00:14:28.243 --> 00:14:31.870 that there are all kinds of varieties within any race 348 00:14:31.913 --> 00:14:34.372 and that folks need to be treated like they're unique, 349 00:14:34.416 --> 00:14:37.166 'cause they are. I also learned... 350 00:14:37.210 --> 00:14:39.002 [buzzer] you ain't black! 351 00:14:39.045 --> 00:14:40.295 ♪♪ 352 00:14:40.338 --> 00:14:43.548 - well, that quote/unquote comedy skit 353 00:14:43.633 --> 00:14:45.383 was simply appalling. 354 00:14:45.427 --> 00:14:48.386 Hey, look, I enjoy a good comedy 355 00:14:48.430 --> 00:14:50.388 when it's about conservatives, 356 00:14:50.432 --> 00:14:54.225 but that is not the joe biden I know, 357 00:14:54.269 --> 00:14:57.186 the joe biden who thinks everyone is black, 358 00:14:57.230 --> 00:15:00.315 and in protest, I'm wearing this scarf 359 00:15:00.358 --> 00:15:03.234 featuring the cast of "moesha." 360 00:15:03.278 --> 00:15:05.320 ♪♪ - we're back. 361 00:15:05.363 --> 00:15:09.198 - Rolf, tell us what you've done with this chicken. 362 00:15:09.242 --> 00:15:11.117 - I soaked it in a brine solution 363 00:15:11.161 --> 00:15:12.577 before separating the skin 364 00:15:12.621 --> 00:15:15.413 and stuffed it with a peppers and basil paste. 365 00:15:15.457 --> 00:15:17.332 - And it just sat there and let you? 366 00:15:17.375 --> 00:15:19.334 - Well, yes. 367 00:15:19.377 --> 00:15:22.003 - Because sometimes you assume a chicken is okay 368 00:15:22.047 --> 00:15:23.504 with what you're doing, 369 00:15:23.548 --> 00:15:26.382 because they're not openly objecting to it, 370 00:15:26.426 --> 00:15:28.384 and then, years later, 371 00:15:28.428 --> 00:15:31.971 they're using new terms like "power imbalance." 372 00:15:32.015 --> 00:15:34.223 - it--it makes the skin crispier. 373 00:15:34.267 --> 00:15:38.269 - All right. Well, I can't wait to sink my teeth into it. 374 00:15:38.313 --> 00:15:42.273 - I hear you. Can't wait to get my face all up in that. 375 00:15:42.317 --> 00:15:44.359 George, you want in on this? 376 00:15:44.402 --> 00:15:47.403 - I don't eat chicken... 377 00:15:47.447 --> 00:15:49.030 From now on. 378 00:15:49.074 --> 00:15:51.366 ♪♪ 379 00:15:55.956 --> 00:15:58.581 - larry, this next debate, I'm gonna destroy him, 380 00:15:58.625 --> 00:16:00.291 'cause we have an audience. 381 00:16:00.335 --> 00:16:02.168 - Donald, there's-- there's no audience. 382 00:16:02.212 --> 00:16:04.504 - No, but we get cardboard cutouts. 383 00:16:04.547 --> 00:16:06.255 Each side gets cutouts. 384 00:16:06.299 --> 00:16:08.341 Look who we're gonna have on our side. 385 00:16:08.385 --> 00:16:09.842 In the front row... 386 00:16:09.886 --> 00:16:12.887 Look at this. Huge stars. Tom hanks. See? 387 00:16:12.931 --> 00:16:15.598 No more antonio sabato jr. For once. 388 00:16:15.642 --> 00:16:17.633 John wayne, great guy. 389 00:16:17.644 --> 00:16:19.018 Charlie chaplin... 390 00:16:19.062 --> 00:16:21.604 Tucker carlson, kind of a [bleep], 391 00:16:21.690 --> 00:16:23.648 but people love him. Not sure why. 392 00:16:23.692 --> 00:16:26.401 - Sir, I'm actually here. - Oh, great. Okay. 393 00:16:26.444 --> 00:16:27.986 I picked these myself. 394 00:16:28.029 --> 00:16:30.446 Here's jesus. I got the great blacks. 395 00:16:30.490 --> 00:16:33.074 Martin luther king, malcolm x... 396 00:16:33.118 --> 00:16:34.367 - Donald, that's not malcolm x. 397 00:16:34.411 --> 00:16:36.369 That's the guy from "this is us." 398 00:16:36.413 --> 00:16:38.621 - what? There's another black guy with glasses? 399 00:16:38.665 --> 00:16:40.123 Will anyone notice? 400 00:16:40.166 --> 00:16:41.541 - Not a chance! Idiots! 401 00:16:41.584 --> 00:16:44.252 - Ivanka? - I recognize my dad's racism 402 00:16:44.295 --> 00:16:46.004 may not be to everyone's taste, 403 00:16:46.047 --> 00:16:48.006 but the results speak for themselves. 404 00:16:48.049 --> 00:16:50.416 - Let's see biden top malcolm x. 405 00:16:50.427 --> 00:16:52.468 - Biden's got the real tom hanks! 406 00:16:52.512 --> 00:16:55.304 All the biggies, like me, 30 years ago. 407 00:16:55.348 --> 00:16:58.591 - Where does biden get off? Biden was vice president. 408 00:16:58.601 --> 00:17:01.102 That doesn't make him qualified to be president. 409 00:17:01.146 --> 00:17:04.814 I see how it all works. All the vp does is stand there, 410 00:17:04.858 --> 00:17:08.276 nodding nervously while the president watches tv and tweets. 411 00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:11.487 It's a moron's job. Vice presidents are nothing 412 00:17:11.531 --> 00:17:14.157 but spineless, homophobic religious nuts 413 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:15.950 who weep uncontrollably 414 00:17:15.994 --> 00:17:19.070 every time I show them a picture of my ex-wife's boobs. 415 00:17:19.080 --> 00:17:20.163 Anyway, mike... - Yes, sir? 416 00:17:20.206 --> 00:17:22.498 - Better start prepping for your debate. 417 00:17:22.542 --> 00:17:25.251 They're gonna kill you on how you handled the china virus. 418 00:17:25.295 --> 00:17:28.546 I tried to defend you, but you really dropped the ball. 419 00:17:28.590 --> 00:17:32.300 - Yes, sir, I apologize. - Donald, you put him in charge. 420 00:17:32.343 --> 00:17:35.428 - Excuse me, crazy crooked larry. 421 00:17:35.463 --> 00:17:37.263 - Hey, call me whatever you want. You screwed up, 422 00:17:37.307 --> 00:17:39.548 and you know what? You're gonna lose. 423 00:17:39.559 --> 00:17:41.434 - Really? I can call you whatever I want? 424 00:17:41.478 --> 00:17:45.021 Even what I call jared when he says he can't work on saturdays? 425 00:17:45.065 --> 00:17:47.148 - You're ten points behind. 426 00:17:47.192 --> 00:17:50.526 I got a nickname for you. One-term donald. 427 00:17:50.570 --> 00:17:53.112 ♪♪ 428 00:17:53.156 --> 00:17:55.940 - he's right. I'm not gonna catch up this way. 429 00:17:55.950 --> 00:17:59.577 I gotta get back to doing what I did in 2016. 430 00:17:59.621 --> 00:18:01.412 I need to make some calls. 431 00:18:01.456 --> 00:18:05.124 Hi, stormy. Guess who? - Oh, god. 432 00:18:05.168 --> 00:18:07.293 - Close. Anyway, I need your help. 433 00:18:07.337 --> 00:18:10.379 I'm trying to recapture the magic of 2016 434 00:18:10.423 --> 00:18:13.091 and recreate everything that happened that helped me win. 435 00:18:13.134 --> 00:18:15.176 - What? 436 00:18:15.220 --> 00:18:18.304 - I want to pay you hush money like I did in 2016. 437 00:18:18.348 --> 00:18:20.506 - Okay, sure. - But I guess we need 438 00:18:20.517 --> 00:18:23.476 to have sex again to make it clean. 439 00:18:23.520 --> 00:18:26.270 - That is absolutely never gonna happen. 440 00:18:26.314 --> 00:18:28.722 - I guess I should thank you for not telling everyone 441 00:18:28.733 --> 00:18:31.192 some of the more embarrassing details of our time together. 442 00:18:31.236 --> 00:18:34.862 - Oh, what? That you said, "condoms are a hoax"? 443 00:18:34.906 --> 00:18:36.364 - I stand by that. - How about that you 444 00:18:36.407 --> 00:18:39.075 referred to my breasts as "fox & friends"? 445 00:18:39.119 --> 00:18:40.985 - I forget which one's which. 446 00:18:40.995 --> 00:18:42.537 - I'm sorry, why are you bringing this up again? 447 00:18:42.580 --> 00:18:45.498 - Are you kidding? The whole scandal was great for me. 448 00:18:45.542 --> 00:18:47.250 It showed I was still a player 449 00:18:47.293 --> 00:18:50.294 and that I actually paid someone for the work they did. 450 00:18:50.338 --> 00:18:52.922 - How about this? I don't want you to talk to me, 451 00:18:52.966 --> 00:18:54.423 I don't want you to come near me, 452 00:18:54.467 --> 00:18:58.052 I don't even want you to look at me ever again. 453 00:18:58.096 --> 00:18:59.512 - You mean, you want to get married? 454 00:18:59.556 --> 00:19:01.597 - Goodbye, donald. 455 00:19:01.641 --> 00:19:03.391 [disconnected beep] 456 00:19:03.434 --> 00:19:04.350 [laughter] - jimmy! 457 00:19:04.394 --> 00:19:06.144 - Oh. What do you want? 458 00:19:06.187 --> 00:19:09.105 - Well, I want to recreate 2016 459 00:19:09.149 --> 00:19:12.108 and I need some third-rate tv host like billy bush 460 00:19:12.152 --> 00:19:14.527 to have a gross conversation with me 461 00:19:14.571 --> 00:19:18.364 that will destroy his life while I emerge unscathed. 462 00:19:18.408 --> 00:19:20.616 It's a win-win. - How do I win in this? 463 00:19:20.660 --> 00:19:22.368 - Well, I mean, for me. It's two wins for me. 464 00:19:22.412 --> 00:19:24.370 - Oh. - I get to stay president 465 00:19:24.414 --> 00:19:27.039 and have a disgusting conversation. What do you say? 466 00:19:27.083 --> 00:19:28.958 - Mr. President, you can't be here 467 00:19:29.002 --> 00:19:31.335 without being tested for covid. - Test me, test me. 468 00:19:31.379 --> 00:19:34.463 Don't be a wimp. Stick it up there. Deeper! 469 00:19:34.507 --> 00:19:36.132 - There you go. Is that deep enough? 470 00:19:36.176 --> 00:19:38.509 - I haven't paid taxes in 15 years. 471 00:19:38.553 --> 00:19:40.094 - Yes, I read that. 472 00:19:40.138 --> 00:19:42.463 - I owe the russian mob a billion dollars. 473 00:19:42.473 --> 00:19:44.932 - Why are you saying this? - I think the swab 474 00:19:44.976 --> 00:19:47.143 turned off the part of my brain that lies. 475 00:19:47.187 --> 00:19:49.604 - Oh! Keep talking. - Hydroxychloriquine 476 00:19:49.647 --> 00:19:52.398 is only good for killing weeds and erections. 477 00:19:52.442 --> 00:19:54.525 - I had a feeling. - Get it out! 478 00:19:54.569 --> 00:19:56.569 Okay, where--where were we? - I don't know. 479 00:19:56.613 --> 00:19:59.113 - Oh, yes, yes. Let's ruin your career. 480 00:19:59.157 --> 00:20:02.491 Which me too did you find the most unfair? 481 00:20:02.535 --> 00:20:05.161 For me, it was cosby. - Oh, my god. 482 00:20:05.205 --> 00:20:07.872 - Here's where you giggle and egg me on. 483 00:20:07.916 --> 00:20:09.498 - No, I'm not gonna do that. 484 00:20:09.542 --> 00:20:11.459 - I was never a fan of fat albert, though. 485 00:20:11.502 --> 00:20:14.670 You know, you can't put someone that fat on tv, 486 00:20:14.714 --> 00:20:16.881 even animated. It's unfair to the viewer. 487 00:20:16.925 --> 00:20:19.291 - I really have to get going. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 488 00:20:19.302 --> 00:20:22.428 How about the tomb of the unknown soldier? 489 00:20:22.472 --> 00:20:25.431 Maybe if he had done something a little more brave, 490 00:20:25.475 --> 00:20:28.351 we'd remember his name, right? - Yeah, I'm gonna leave. 491 00:20:28.394 --> 00:20:32.063 - Hold on, hold on. Amber alerts--how annoying, right? 492 00:20:32.106 --> 00:20:34.273 Just because amber's day is ruined 493 00:20:34.317 --> 00:20:36.400 doesn't mean mine has to be. - Okay, yeah, I'm going. 494 00:20:36.444 --> 00:20:38.236 - Handicapped spaces 495 00:20:38.279 --> 00:20:40.404 should be further from the front of the store. 496 00:20:40.448 --> 00:20:44.200 It's much easier to roll than to walk. You laughed! 497 00:20:44.244 --> 00:20:46.035 - I did not laugh. - I heard it! 498 00:20:46.079 --> 00:20:47.453 He laughed! He--he laughed. 499 00:20:47.497 --> 00:20:50.331 ♪♪ 500 00:20:54.587 --> 00:20:57.380 - you're my last shot. Billy. Billy? 501 00:20:57.423 --> 00:20:58.839 Can I come on the bus? 502 00:20:58.883 --> 00:21:00.466 - I really can't do that, sir. 503 00:21:00.510 --> 00:21:02.468 - Why not? Look at all the press we got. 504 00:21:02.512 --> 00:21:04.336 Everyone was talking about us. 505 00:21:04.347 --> 00:21:06.973 - I don't think my sense of shame would allow it. 506 00:21:07.016 --> 00:21:09.183 - Let me talk to this shame guy. Who is he? 507 00:21:09.227 --> 00:21:11.102 Does he want a medal of freedom? 508 00:21:11.145 --> 00:21:14.230 - Look, shame is not a guy. Shame is the thing we all feel 509 00:21:14.274 --> 00:21:16.640 when we've done something we aren't proud of. 510 00:21:16.651 --> 00:21:20.361 - Oh, like when I had eric. - Sir, I'm very busy. 511 00:21:20.405 --> 00:21:23.030 - Wait! I love your show! I could help you! 512 00:21:23.074 --> 00:21:25.408 I have the peepee tape. I didn't want to do this, 513 00:21:25.451 --> 00:21:27.326 but you're a tough negotiator. 514 00:21:27.370 --> 00:21:30.621 All I ask is that you blur out the person doing the peeing. 515 00:21:30.665 --> 00:21:34.000 It would kill rand paul's family to see him like that. 516 00:21:34.043 --> 00:21:34.667 [disconnected call, dial tone]