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[groovy music]
[book slamming]
- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
the one and only Josh Blue. [cheering]
- All right, thank you.
Thank you.
That's good, thank you.
Wow.
Thank you guys so much.
Now I'm deaf as well.
[laughing]
That's great.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
I gotta tell you, I'm not actually from Denver,
but I look like I am.
[laughing]
Just another wobbly guy on the sidewalk.
[laughing]
I'm a comedian.
I made $8 walking over here.
[laughing]
Thank you.
I grew up in Minnesota,
and if you've ever heard anything about Minnesota
you know it's cold AF,
and believe the hype. [laughing]
When I was in high school,
I went out to my bus stop one morning.
I was out there for like, 10 minutes before I realized
that there wasn't another living creature anywhere.
[laughing]
Couldn't hear any cars or anything.
I fought my way back inside and the radio said
it was negative 70 with the windchill,
[laughing]
and the state was shut down and I was like,
what the fuck, Mom?
[laughing]
She's like, well I thought you'd figure it out.
[laughing]
I hate ice too.
Ice is the worst, man.
Palsy on ice is pretty terrible,
[laughing]
although I'm pretty sure I can make a lot of money
with a show called Palsy on Ice.
[laughing]
Just get a bunch of us and push us out there.
Ahh!
[laughing]
Last one standing gets the helmet.
[laughing]
Heavy as shit, made of concrete, like uh.
You don't keep the helmet for long.
I was wondering why people live in cold places
like the Midwest, like Nebraska.
Like, why are there towns there?
[laughing]
I think what happened is back in the day,
you got this ambitious family,
got some new ox, you're like, all right.
We're gonna walk until we find
the end of this big ass field,
[laughing]
and then nine months later, you're like, okay new plan.
[laughing]
How about we stop when we see a tree, huh?
[laughing]
It'd be nice to live by a tree, wouldn't it?
[laughing]
Then you just keep pushing on and one day you realize,
oh, everyone in the wagon's dead.
[laughing]
Yeah, fuck it, let's build a town.
Gonna have to start with a cemetery,
[laughing]
and just pray that mammaw and pappaw don't fall out,
[laughing]
and little Ricky.
Too far with the little Ricky part?
[laughing]
I feel like I'm playing Oregon Trail, man.
Little Ricky died of dysentery.
Some of you guys know what I'm talking about.
[cheering]
The rest of you are like, it's Oregon, you dumb fuck.
I went to a powwow over the summer.
It was a beautiful thing, man.
You ever get a chance, you ought to check it out.
When I was on the reservation,
I learned that the Ojibwa people don't point
with their finger because it's disrespectful to the spirits,
so the way that they point is with their lips.
Something like, it's over there.
[laughing]
Well, I gotta tell you, ever since I learned that,
I've been doing it way too fucking much.
[laughing]
Be like, ooh girl, I like your shoes.
[laughing]
Ah, check out that ass.
[laughing]
Oh, I think it's just a pony.
[laughing]
Hey, come over here.
[laughing]
Thank you,
[laughing]
and you.
[laughing]
I'd point at everyone but that would take too long.
Maybe, like, a sweeping point like,
[laughing]
and one for the sound guy.
[laughing]
I'm hooking everybody up tonight, shit.
I was coming in here, this dude ran up to me
on the street just outside.
He goes, hey man, did I see you on TV?
I was like, well how the fuck am I supposed to know?
[laughing]
If you don't know, shit.
[laughing]
It feels good to laugh, doesn't it?
[cheering]
I feel like when you're laughing,
you're not thinking about your shitty life.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
No, life ain't shitty.
I know we all have our tough times,
but the way I look at it is every day
that I get to wake up and be alive,
I just try to live the shit out of that.
[cheering] [applauding]
Well, the truth is we're all gonna die, right,
and probably some of you soon.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
[laughing]
That's the thing, nobody knows, man.
You don't know, I don't know.
Little Ricky didn't know.
[laughing]
He just thought he had rickets.
I've always loved making people laugh.
I feel like it's my way of helping people,
although when I was a kid I didn't know
I could help people through laughter,
'cause usually it just got me in trouble.
Just giggled my way through another funeral.
[laughing]
Sorry, Grandpa.
That was my hamster's name.
[laughing]
I've been to a lot of hamster funerals.
Yeah, back when I was trying to figure out
if I wanted to be a serial killer or not.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
[laughing]
I don't, I don't.
I figured it out.
[laughing]
Rough decade in there, but whatever.
I'm better.
No, I've always loved helping people,
like when I was a kid, I had some older neighbors.
I'd go over and shovel the grass or mow the sidewalk.
[laughing]
Some of my early performances.
[laughing]
My audience is just my poor old neighbor
mumbling to himself.
That boy's either really delayed or very advanced.
[laughing]
Let me tell you, there's a fine fuckin' line,
[laughing]
and I'm on it.
I just don't know which way to fall.
[laughing]
Probably the delayed side.
Advanced seems like more responsibility.
Delayed, you don't gotta worry about
the cable bill or nothin'.
[laughing]
I was so helpful when I was a kid.
I used to go help strangers.
I'd see somebody in need, I'd just go offer my assistance,
but what I've learned is that since I've been able
to grow a beard, strangers will not accept my kindness.
[laughing]
Yeah, let's say you get your car stuck in a ditch,
and then I just happen to be the first one on the scene,
just lumbering towards your vehicle like ahh!
[laughing]
I'm here to help.
[laughing]
You've already been through a traumatic experience.
Now you got yourself locked in your car,
trying to get rid of me throughthe crack in the window.
I'm fine!
[laughing]
Oh no, I'm fine.
Please, no.
Just go on by, I'm fine, really.
No, I wanted to be here.
Please, please.
[laughing]
Like, shit, I was just trying to help, sorry.
I just had an incident with an elderly woman.
This lady was pulling one of those little
two-wheel grocery carts, you know what I'm talking about?
Anybody?
- [Audience] Yeah!
- Oh, okay, cool.
Just seeing how far back I have to take this shit.
[laughing]
Groceries are food.
[laughing]
Eat.
Sorry, I should probably do the act-outs
with this hand, eat.
[laughing]
Eat, was that better?
Yeah, I'm just guessing if you don't know
what a shopping cart is, you're not gonna know
what the fuck this is supposed to be.
[laughing]
This arm isn't very good for too many act-outs.
Has a very limited repertoire.
[laughing]
The best act-out that this arm can do
is cat cleaning itself.
[laughing]
All clean.
Wow, if you like that joke,
you should see how I clean my butt.
[laughing]
You guys look nervous as shit, man.
[laughing]
This special ain't that special.
I haven't been that flexible since high school,
and boy am I dirty down there.
[laughing]
I'm what you call a random shit magnet.
I just attract crazy people.
My whole life I have.
I don't know what it is.
Is it my cerebral palsy or my crazy eyes or my man musk?
Something's bringing 'em in.
[laughing]
Just been chummin' the waters.
[laughing]
Got some husbands looking nervous.
[laughing]
So this little old lady was having some trouble
with her shopping cart.
[laughing]
Remember?
[laughing]
From earlier?
She was having some trouble getting her cart
up on this curb that was abnormally high
and I too was abnormally high.
[laughing]
[whistling]
I forgot that I look like this.
[laughing]
I decided that I would just go give this lady a hand,
but just me coming towards her,
[laughing]
gave her the strength to pull it up.
[laughing]
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Feels good to help.
[laughing]
I just did some shows in Reno.
You've been there.
It's a real shithole, I thought.
[laughing]
I was there with a couple comic buddies
and we walk around during the day
'cause we got shit else to do,
[laughing]
and we heard this guy screaming from blocks away,
but whatever, we're comics.
We're just having a laugh,
but then the screaming started to gain on us.
[laughing]
I was like, oh shit.
That dude is mad at us,
[laughing]
and my buddy stepped away from me.
They're like nah, man.
He's mad at you,
[laughing]
and I still don't know what I did to piss him off,
[laughing]
but he really was quite irate.
He's cursing me up and down, like, you comin' here, bitch?
[laughing]
You ain't shit, you shaky little fuck!
[laughing]
And that's how we knew he was talking to me.
[laughing]
Now that doesn't hurt my feelings, you know.
That's in fact a pretty accurate description.
[laughing]
Shaky little fuck sums it up, I think.
[laughing]
Oh man, and he just keptyelling at me crazy shit at me,
and we were just laughing,
but then he got to one that stuck with me.
He's like, you ain't got no fuckin' hobbies!
[laughing]
I was like, I paint.
[laughing]
Come on guys, tell him I paint.
Trying to negotiate with a schizophrenic
[laughing]
on the streets.
It's the worst.
Ever since he yelled at me,I've been reflecting on my life.
Do I do enough shit on the side?
[laughing]
Maybe I pick up some chainsaw ice art,
[laughing]
or some needlepoint, I don't know.
I actually just bought a house in Denver,
[cheering] [applauding]
but what I just realized about my new home
is that it's located very close
to the Purina dog food plant.
[laughing] [oohing]
I guess that every time I went to look at the place,
the wind was blowing in the other direction,
[laughing]
but now that I live there,
you don't just smell dog food, you're like, oh god.
[retches]
[laughing]
There's a, just a heavy meat air, like ugh!
Ugh, just coats your palate, ugh.
The worst part for me is it just
makes me so fuckin' hungry, man.
[laughing]
Just gets my stomach growling.
I'm not happy about it, man.
I'm like, it's not for you, goddamnit.
[laughing]
Gonna go inside and eat some people food, shit.
[laughing]
Just out in the yard.
[howling]
[laughing]
Me and all the dogs in the neighborhood.
I feel bad for the dogs, man.
Well, actually I feel worse for the horses.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
[laughing]
It would suck to be a dog over there, I'm telling you.
You know a dog's sense of smell
is a million times stronger than a human's?
Can you imagine the torture they must live in?
Where the fuck is it!
[laughing]
It's everywhere and nowhere, god damn it.
It's like the Viet Cong, man.
[laughing]
I don't know how a dog would know that, but.
Another thing about my new house is it's very old.
It's built in 1875, so needless to say
it has a lot of projects,
[laughing]
and ghosts.
Little Ricky lives, I'm tellin' ya.
[laughing]
I can handle the projects.
Ghosts are harder to deal with, yeah.
Duct tape doesn't fix everything,
[laughing]
and the pellet gun hasn't done shit either,
[laughing]
and I'm telling you, I hit that little motherfucker.
I don't mind doing home repair stuff.
I consider myself to be a bit of a handyman.
[laughing]
Oh, thank you, those of you that were able
to stifle your laughter on that.
[laughing]
A couple of assholes back there.
[laughing]
Handyman, shit.
That's a fun joke for me,
'cause you guys are like, I want to laugh,
but I feel like he was serious.
[laughing]
Just gonna pretend like I didn't understand what he said
and just hope he moves on.
I got power tools and everything.
[laughing]
I got a family lives next door.
Every time I'm out in the yard working on a project,
the dad comes over, he's like,
hey man, you're making us really nervous.
[laughing]
I'm like, well how do you think I fuckin' feel?
[laughing]
Oh man.
Yeah, that's a real circular saw right there.
[laughing]
It's plugged in.
Watch out, I don't know.
Hell, but before you go home, man,
could you help me move this block of ice?
[laughing]
You guys 'member?
[laughing]
From earlier.
The other thing about my newhome is that before I moved in,
the previous owners took a smoke detector down
that was running out of its battery
so it was making that sporadic chirp noise.
You know what I'm talking about,
could be every 30 seconds or nine days from now.
[laughing]
No rhyme or reason to when it goes off.
Somehow triggered by nighttime though.
[laughing]
First time you hear that at night, you're like,
[mimics snoring]
I heard it, I heard it.
[laughing]
[sniffing]
Oh, I think we're fine.
[laughing]
No point in getting out of the bed
to see if the house is on fire.
[laughing]
So after these, they put this smoke detector on a shelf
and then when we moved in, we put a box on the shelf,
and then it caused it to slide down into the crevasse,
or as I call it, the hole of fucking echo.
[laughing]
I was not able to find it.
I don't know how this is scientifically possible.
We could hear it the same in every room.
[laughing]
In the basement, sounds the same as the second floor.
By day two, I'm like, okay, is this why they fuckin' moved?
[laughing]
Stepped into a Stephen King novel, awesome, isn't it?
[laughing]
The Beeping.
[laughing]
I didn't even have a housewarming party.
I just had a find the fucking beep party.
[laughing]
Just all my drunk buddies standing around
bathrooms and hallways like.
[laughing]
Aw, shit bro.
I can't find it, man,
[laughing]
but for real, why does it taste like dog food in here?
[laughing]
Wasn't able to find that either.
You said there'd be snacks.
This is bullshit.
[laughing]
[howling]
I just did a show in Wyoming.
Oh my goodness.
We drove there.
Well, I didn't drive there.
Don't worry about that.
[laughing]
I've driven four times.
I've been in two accidents so,
[laughing]
just give you an idea of what I'm working with.
Anyway, we're driving up to Wyoming
and in Wyoming there's a stretch of road for 100 miles
that there isn't a gas station or a rest area
or even that fuckin' tree I was talking about earlier.
[laughing]
I timed the journey wrong and I ended up
having to pee real bad.
I know, everyone's been in this situation in their life
where you're like, okay, this is about to fuckin' happen.
[laughing]
Every bump in the road, I can feel in my bladder.
I'm like, [groaning].
I was getting very frantic.
I was trying to decide if I was stable enough
to pee in a Gatorade bottle,
[laughing]
but I discovered that the chip bag was easier,
[laughing]
although it will take the crisp out of the chips.
[laughing]
[howling]
I just did a show where in the audience,
there was a woman that didn't have any arms
and I got to party with her afterward.
She's a bad ass, man.
Get this, it turns out that she is a pilot
and she flies with her feet.
I can tell by the looks on your faces
that you're feeling the same way that I was
when I heard this information,
but then she showed me a video and, fuckin' a, man,
[laughing]
but to tell you the truth,
she didn't even have to show me the video
'cause when she pulled her phone out of her pocket
with her foot, I was like, okay.
[laughing]
I can see where you're going with this.
[laughing]
No need to take it to the videos.
She was telling me how she flies with her feet
and all that I could think was,
they won't even let me sit in the emergency exit row.
[laughing]
Some bullshit,
and look, you guys, I know as a fellow disabled person
I should be very supportive of her feat,
[laughing]
but I gotta tell you guys,
I like my pilots like I like my women.
With arms.
[laughing]
You can call me kinky or whatever,
but it's just what I'm into,
and for the record, she flies for Frontier,
[laughing]
but for an $85 upcharge, you could get a pilot with arms.
[laughing]
Most bullshit airline I ever seen, man.
Would you like to breathe on the flight?
That's an extra 45.
I just had this happen to me again.
I was at a restaurant with a bunch of friends
and the server went around the table
and took everyone's order and then when they got to me
they're like, and what will he have?
[laughing]
My buddy was like, I'm guessinga talk with your manager.
[cheering] [applauding]
Free dinner!
Now that I know that little trick,
I'm walking in there like, uh.
[laughing]
Table for nine.
[laughing]
Just two of us.
Follow my lead, dumbass.
[laughing]
Over the years, I've had some people say
that maybe I talk too muchabout cerebral palsy in my show
and there's a few reasons I talk about it.
Number one reason is I've come to find
if I don't bring it up, after a little while,
the audience is like, does he know,
[laughing]
he has that?
And another big reason is, everything I talk about
comes from the perspective of a disabled person, right?
This is all that I've ever known
and I guess there was a point in my career
where I tried to do my show
from a Southern belle point of view.
[laughing]
Dear Diary,
[laughing]
Haven't been right since Mister Earle left.
[laughing]
Gotta churn my own butter.
[laughing]
Fifty Shades of Blue up in here, so.
[cheering]
[laughing]
I gotta say, you guys are gonnabe mad as hell in 10 years
when you find out I don't have cerebral palsy.
[laughing]
You guys are gonna be so pissed.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that comes out.
This motherfucker!
[laughing]
I knew he was too funny to be a 'tard.
[laughing]
Oh, hey, hey.
Oh, oh.
Don't get mad at me.
You said that.
[laughing]
I don't approve.
[laughing]
Hurtful, you guys are gonna have to make it up to me.
I have a friend that's colorblind,
and he is surprisingly racist.
[laughing]
[giggles]
[cheering] [applauding]
You guys are finally putting the pieces together.
It's really good, guys, and just for the record,
I don't have any friends like that,
[laughing]
that are colorblind.
[laughing]
People say chivalry is dead, but I don't believe it,
'cause every time I'm walking down the street
and there's a couple comin' towards me,
the man will move his lady to the safe side.
[laughing]
Speaking of romance, I,
[laughing]
my girlfriend and I have become friends
with the singer from the Lumineers
and we went to his house for dinner with him and his wife
and we're there and he's telling us
how he wrote this hit song about his wife
and my girlfriend was just like,
that's just so beautiful, just so romantic.
I'm like, honey I could write a joke about ya,
[laughing]
and here it is.
[laughing]
So my girlfriend's a vegan.
I still pork her.
[laughing]
[whistling] [cheering]
She is so proud, so proud.
You know, people ask me how I practice doing standup
and this is it.
[laughing]
There's a very important give and take
to what we do in here, you know what I mean?
Like, you guys are a very important part of this.
'Cause think about it.
If you weren't here and I'm doing this,
I'm just a lunatic, right,
[laughing]
and, you know, I am a lunatic,
but somehow you being here makes it okay.
[laughing]
Thanks for making it okay.
[cheering]
So look, you guys, I'd fuck Judge Judy.
[laughing]
Well, I mean really, who am I to judge Judy?
[laughing]
This is why we practice.
I do over 200 practices a year.
Most of my shows are done in comedy clubs
and that's where they should be, you know.
[laughing]
I will do an occasional pop-up in a Jiffy Lube.
[laughing]
It's not quite as fun.
I also do a lot of college gigsand those are harder to do.
Well, I've just come to findfor a place of higher learning,
there's a lot of dumb motherfuckers.
[laughing]
It's not their fault, they're just young folks,
but I'll tell you, the worstgigs I do are corporate events.
Oh man, those are the worst.
Well, unless of course you're a potential booker
and then, I love them.
[laughing]
Well, the problem with corporate events
is they always want me to be corporate clean.
I don't know if you know what that means,
but it's no swearing or pretty much
saying any of the shit that I've said so far,
[laughing]
and I can do a clean show.
I just feel like when you hire me to do a clean show,
that's like getting a hooker to do your roofing.
[laughing]
I mean, yeah, maybe she'll get it done,
but it wasn't what you wanted,
and she's way behind schedule.
[laughing]
I guess high heels would do okay on a roof.
Well, think about it.
If the heel is long enough,
it'll cancel out the pitch of the roof.
[laughing]
I don't think my math is right on that.
[laughing]
I'm not a doctor.
Shit, I don't know.
I have a friend that's being a surrogate mother.
She's like seven months pregnant,
and she walks around telling people.
She's like, it's not mine.
[laughing]
It's worse when she's like, we're not keeping it.
[laughing]
She only says that when she's been drinking though.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
[laughing]
It's not hers, shit.
Oh, shit.
I do love telling jokes, this is a lot of fun,
but I really would love to get into some more TV and movies.
[cheering]
It turns out Michael J. Fox is just a much better actor.
[laughing] [groaning]
He's snaggin' all my gigs.
[laughter]
I've had palsy way longer than whatever he's got.
How do you think I feel?
He just comes swooping in,
with his able-bodied headstart,
taking all the good shit.
You guys, I can tell, are getting
a little butthurt about it, ohh.
[laughing]
I feel bad for J. Fox.
I don't feel bad for him.
Yeah, what did he expect,
jumping back and forth through the future?
[laughing]
There's gotta be some repercussions.
Maybe he caught it when he was a teen wolf.
That can't be healthy.
Proper shots and whatnot.
No, I got nothing against J. Fox.
It's just hard being a disabled actor,
'cause let's face it, you guys.
I have been to enough movie auditions now
to know that if the role doesn't call
for somebody with cerebral palsy,
well then I'm probably not getting the fucking gig.
[laughing]
I don't care how good of an actor I am.
I can't un-act that shit.
[laughing]
Oh, here's the kicker too.
Even if there by chance is a role
for somebody with cerebral palsy,
I'll probably lose it to an able-bodied person
that can do it better.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
[laughing]
I don't know, I just wish
these casting directors would take a chance.
I want to think America's ready.
Well, think about it.
Why can't Spider-Man have cerebral palsy?
[laughing]
Be like,
[spraying]
oh shit.
[laughing]
I got carpal tunnel in my good hand,
well the semi-good hand, I don't know.
Anyway, I have to wear one of those black wrist braces.
I was walking through the airport
and I saw another guy with a brace on.
I was like hey, brother.
He was like, it's not the same.
[laughing]
The look on his face wasreally, really priceless for me.
I don't look like that, do I?
So, I'm sure by now you guys have caught on
that I have a pretty weird brain.
I'm not talking about cerebral palsy.
Like, that's the least of my fuckin' worries.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
I just think of crazy shit,
like today I was trying to think
of a name of a mythical creature.
It's the one that's the half woman, half horse.
What is that called?
- [Audience Female] A centaur.
- Oh, no.
I think it's a fuckable horse.
[laughing]
Just find the half you're into.
[laughing]
It's all her.
Gotta pony up.
[laughing]
I actually dated a half horse, half woman.
Didn't work out.
She's dog food to me now.
[laughing]
You guys are so helpful in that joke too, just.
It really depends on somebody yelling out something.
Centaur!
[laughing]
That's half horse, half man, and I'm not into that shit.
[laughing]
I've only been practicing that joke for a little while and,
I've had this happen to me a few times now.
When I said half woman, half horse, what is that called,
twice now I've had some guy go, Hillary Clinton.
[laughing] [light clapping]
Yeah, it is pretty funny, but it really fucks up my joke.
[laughing]
Yeah, that is no longer a fuckable horse.
[laughing]
[applauding] [cheering]
She fucked it up for the horse half,
and for the record, that's not even a political joke.
[laughing]
That's just the truth.
I don't do much political humor,
'cause the way I look at it is if you think
either one of these jinky ass parties
gives half a fuck about us, you've been misinformed,
[laughing]
[cheering] [applauding]
and that's all I have to say about that.
[laughing]
This is what I love about standup though.
Every person in his room has their own story,
religious beliefs, political views,
but the cool thing is we're all
in here together having a laugh.
[cheering]
Who knew my dumb ass would be the linchpin?
[laughing]
As much fun as telling jokes is,
there's something in my life I love more than this.
That's being a dad.
[cheering] [whistling]
I was never so sure about that husband part, but.
[laughing]
You can't cage this.
[laughing]
[cheering] [wolf whistles]
[laughing]
I'm up for whatever.
Hey, has anybody ever got divorced and then realized
that maybe you just needed a sandwich?
[laughing]
Whoopsie daisies, huh?
[laughing]
Turns out I was just hungry.
Just a little hungry.
Oh well, moving on.
Our divorce was pretty amicable,
although when we first started talking about custody,
she was like, you can have 100%.
I was like, now you're talking crazy shit.
[laughing]
I negotiated down to 50-50.
Seems a little more fair, man.
Although I did find out 50-50 doesn't mean
you just take the one you like.
[laughing]
Ha ha ha ha.
[whistling]
No, my kids are great, man.
I'm very happy to say, both my kids
are healthy, beautiful, smart little people and yeah.
[cheering]
Yeah, there isn't a day goes by that I don't look
at those two and just think,
how are they ever gonna make it like that?
[laughing]
I feel like I oughta breaktheir legs, give them a chance.
[laughing]
My son is a good climber, man.
Well, he's 10 years old first of all,
so he's still pretty fucking useless.
[laughing]
He'll be all right, you know, just,
just 10 year old boys ain't good for shit, you know.
He said, oh Dad, I can't find my other shoe.
Well, did you try looking fuckin' down?
[laughter]
Oh yeah.
Sorry, I was standing on it.
[laughing]
It couldn't have been any closer
to where it needed to be, man.
[laughing]
He is a good climber, I'll give him that though.
He just climbs on things.
He's an amazing little acrobatic little climber,
and, well, you know his mom's Japanese, so.
[laughing]
What?
I don't think that has anything to do with it.
I just picked a weird time to tell you that, so.
[laughing]
I like that joke 'cause I can feel,
half the crowd's like, inappropriate.
[laughing]
I'm not even sure why, but it is,
[laughing]
and then the rest of you are Rolodexing
through your brains going,
are Japanese people good climbers?
[laughing]
The fuck do I know?
I don't know.
I'm guessing you didn't get it from my side.
[laughing]
The other day, I looked out my second floor bedroom window
and my son was looking back in at me.
[laughing]
He had climbed a tree in the yard
and got to the very highest point
that it would allow him to go,
and he was at this swaying point
where the branches are going, [whooshing],
but he just looks so at ease.
He's like, ahh.
[laughing]
He's like, look Dad, I'm higher than you are.
[laughing]
I don't think so, man.
There is not a tree on this block, boy.
[laughing]
Now quit fucking around.
Jump on the roof and get in here,
[laughing]
and watch out for the hooker.
[laughing]
I think she's almost done, you know.
Just tacking the gutters back on.
[laughing]
You guys 'member?
[laughing]
From earlier.
Some of you really didn't seem like you 'membered, man.
[laughing]
Looking like, why would he have a hooker
when his son was there?
In addition to my boy, I also have an eight year old girl
that lives in the house.
You familiar with these psychopaths?
[laughing] [whistling]
Seriously, this one is trouble, man.
She's got a wicked sense of humor
and I know that I deserve that.
I'll give you a little taste of her particular brand.
Few years back now, when she was five,
she discovered that people with cerebral palsy
have a very wicked startle reflex.
[laughing]
So, like, loud noises or sudden movements,
we just spaz out, we can't help but flail.
It's somehow worse if we know it's coming.
[laughing]
I'll just give you a little life pointer.
A jack-in-the-box is the worst possible gift
you can give to someone
with cerebral palsy, [laughing]
and my daughter figured this out,
so she'd get up early,
like when she was five she'd get up early and hide,
[laughing]
just wait for groggy-ass Daddy to come down,
and then she'd jump out and [voice shaking].
I'd spaz and then she'd laugh her shitty little ass.
[laughing]
Daddy spilled his coffee on his head, ha ha ha,
[laughing]
but the thing is, now she figured out
that she doesn't even need to hide.
[laughing]
She can just get instant satisfaction.
She'll burst in the room, blahh!
Can I have some milk?
[laughing]
You go in to take a bite of food.
Blehh!
[laughing]
Mashed potatoes on the ceiling, that's nice, yeah.
Bullshit.
I'm telling you though, one of these days
she's gonna catch a palsy punch.
[laughing]
[rolling tongue]
Whoops.
I'm hoping it'll happen over this Christmas break.
[laughing]
A little less 'splaining to do.
[laughing]
My Christmas gift.
I don't have to live in fear anymore.
[giggles]
So, I did a show here last night
and I stepped out back to smoke some weed
and as I'm out there smoking, from behind this guy goes,
Hey man, you need some sweatpants?
[laughing]
Now he could have been yelling to anybody.
He was far enough away, but just in my heart,
I knew that shit was for me,
and I said, what, because I wanted
to hear him yell it again.
[laughing]
He said, you need some sweatpants?
I was like, oh no, I'm good.
He said, well, how 'bout some batteries?
Holy shit, I could probably use some batteries.
[laughing]
There is a beeping in my house I can't fuckin' find.
[laughing] [cheering]
You guys 'membered?
[cheering]
So good.
Now this dude's coming towards me.
He's dragging a giant trash bag full of goodies,
and they could all be mine.
[laughing]
He's like, you need a pillowcase?
I'm like, no I'm good.
He goes, well how 'bout a Ouija board?
Well, you've got all the pieces?
[laughing]
Can't be fucking around with half a Ouija.
Dear Diary, Mister Earle brought me half a Ouija,
but I unleashed a whole demon.
Now by the time this dude has got to me,
I've evaluated my life.
Just like, okay, how bad do I look
that this homeless dude is trying to help me out?
And then he gets to me and he puts his big bag down,
and he's like, hey man.
Can I get a hit of that weed?
I was like, uh, okay.
Uh, here you go.
I handed him my pipe, and then he looks me up and down.
He's like, [dull scratching],
[laughing]
just cleaning off the palsy with his homeless sweatshirt.
[dull scratching]
Then he finally took a hit and passed it back over to me
and I was like, unh unh,
[dull scratching] [laughing]
[applauding]
and then we did that ritual, like nine times.
[laughing]
I got all buddy-buddy with the guy.
He was a good dude.
I just could not convince him that I wasn't homeless.
I'm like, no, man.
I'm a comedian, I got a show tonight.
He's like, oh yeah man.
We're all comedians.
[laughing]
He's like, man, you've been really nice to me, man.
I just want to give you something.
I was like, well I hope you haven't already,
[dull scratching] [laughing]
and then this is where it gets weird.
[laughing]
He looks at me all serious.
He's like, hey man.
Do you have some type of brain injury?
Does it show?
[laughing]
Then he reaches in his pocket and he hands me two pills.
He's like, well these are for that.
[laughing]
These are for that.
These being two different-colored pills,
[laughing]
that being my brain.
This is from the doctor that was trying
to prescribe sweatpants.
[laughing]
Now he's telling me what kind of medication
to be taking for my brain.
Then he got kinda rough with me.
Then eat 'em now.
[laughing]
I'm not eating these fuckin' things.
Well, I didn't say that 'cause that's how
you get stabbed in the neck, man.
[laughing]
Gotta talk crazy back at him.
I said, look man, I'll eat 'em later,
[laughing]
and I did,
[laughing]
and I'll be damned, I can feel that brain injury
just sloughing right off,
[laughing]
and the sweatpants fit great, too.
Hey, you guys are awesome.
Thank you so much.
[cheering] [applauding]
Thank you, thank you.
♪ Listen up to what I say
♪ Fill your own cup if you're tired of me ♪
♪ Can't you see that life's a bitch ♪
♪ 'Cause you don't want me and I can't live ♪
♪ Heading low, heading mine
♪ Out on a rope, we never had much time ♪
♪ But you don't know just how I feel ♪
♪ Moving so slow, rolling on a rubber wheeze ♪
♪ But if I had an airplane, if I had wings ♪
♪ I'd go flying over every sorrowful thing ♪
♪ I'd fly to Tennessee just for the day ♪
♪ Set her down easy
♪ For to wind my blues away
♪ If I had an airplane, if I had wings ♪
♪ I'd go flying over every sorrowful thing ♪
♪ I'd go to Tennessee just for a day ♪
♪ Oh to let 'em down easy
♪ For to wind my blues away
♪ If I had an airplane, if I had wings ♪
♪ I'd go flyin' over every sorrowful thing ♪
♪ I'd fly to Tennessee just for the day ♪
♪ Let it down easy for to wind my blues away ♪
♪ If I had an airplane
- [Audience Female] Italy!
- [Audience Male] Philly.
- Huh, did I ask you guys to yell out
places I could have possibly bought a house?
[laughing]
Thank you, it's okay.
It's, I know, he's just has, he has Tourette's, it's okay.
[laughing]
It's okay, guys.
Just know that I really love all you guys so much
and I'm really paying a lot of money to have this shot
so please fuckin' shut up.
[laughing]
No, I do, I get it, it's fun and,
but there is a pattern to how comedy works.
It's like, I go and then you go,
[laughing]
and then I go and then you go,
but what I've learned is if I go, and then you go,
and then you go again,
[laughing]
well, then that really fucks up my go.
[laughing]
[applauding] [cheering]
Uh, is it my go or?
[laughing]
Sorry, lost track of who's going what.