[bright tones]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[man] Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Trejo!
[cheers and applause]
What's up, everybody?
Yeah!
Thanks for coming out, you guys.
Hey!
Thanks for coming out, man.
[cheers and applause continues]
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Well, thank you, guys. That's my time.
[laughter]
Man, thanks for coming out, man. I'm excited, man.
This is it. Um, man... life's good.
I can't complain. I just got an hourglass, so...
[laughter]
Very excited, man. I ordered an hourglass
and, man, it came and I was so excited.
I don't know what I needed it for,
but I was like, "I need one."
Well, the problem was I-I ordered a wrist watch
and an hourglass came. I'm like, "Oh, damn it."
-You know? -[laughter]
Don't order stuff online high, you know?
[laughter]
But I use it. It was great.
I would use it to time everything.
I would time my showers. I just...
just go for it, you know?
And I would check in with it. Just...
[laughter]
I'm like, "I still got some sand."
You know what I mean?
I would time my number twos. That was fun, you know?
Just... and just go for it.
Like, "Ah, right."
I learned something. I learned that your legs
fall asleep about the hour mark. So...
[laughter]
That was fun, you know?
But I kept using it and I felt like something was off.
I did not know what it was, you know?
And, uh, so I used my phone and I timed it
'cause, hell, I got all day, you know?
So I timed it and it stopped at 47 minutes.
I'm like, "Aw, that can't be right.
So, let's try it again." You know?
Timed it, stopped it, 47 minutes.
I'm like, "Damn...now what?"
[laughter]
-So I called customer service. -[laughter]
And I said, "Excuse me, I'm having a hard time
with my hourglass. It's--It seems to be defective."
And she's like, "Well, how can I help you?"
I said, "Well, um... I just need you to send me
13 minutes worth of sand.
[laughter]
Hello?" And she's like, "I'm here.
I'm here." I'm like, "All right, cool."
[laughter]
She's like, "That seems very odd to me."
I'm like, "Yeah, you're telling me, you know?"
She's like, "Well--Well, like, how would I even do that?"
I'm like, "Look, just send me 13 minutes worth of sand.
Like, grab an hourglass, turn it over,
wait 13 minutes, put your finger there...
[laughter]
put that in the baggie and send it to me."
[laughter]
She goes, "This is the craziest call I've ever had."
She's like, "How much does 13 minutes worth of sand
even weigh?" I said, "Great question.
-[laughter] -Uh, let me look it up."
So, I looked it up on Google Conversion
and I learned something.
I found out that you can't convert
-volume to time. -[laughter]
Even Google was like, "What the fuck did you mean?"
[laughter]
So I told her. I said, "I can't convert
volume to time." She's like, "You know what?
Um... I'm gonna put you on hold.
I'm gonna talk to my manager." I said, "Great.
Thank you. Appreciate it."
So I'm on hold for an hour.
I'm just waiting. Listening to classical music.
Some Chopin. Who knows, right?
She comes back. She's like, "You know what?
I have some answers for you. I said, "I'm all ears."
All right, she's like, "Well, it turns out
that sometimes the manufacturers of hourglasses
change the source from which the sand comes from
so there's some discrepancies in the sand.
Therefore, you know, sometimes you get a different
count on the hour." And I said, "Well, I don't know
-what you just said, you know?" -[laughter]
I said, "I was on hold for an hour for that?"
She's like, "Are you sure it wasn't 47 minutes?"
[laughter]
-I'm like, "Game on, lady." -[laughter]
And, uh, man, we went back and forth.
She wasn't happy and then she hit me
with the line that I was so jealous--
'cause I'm a comic I love a good joke,
but I wasn't ready for it. She literally goes,
"I don't know what to tell you.
Maybe you got the quicksand model."
I'm like, "Oh, you fucking bitch."
-[laughter] -Hung up.
I was like, "All right, I'm outta here."
But thank you, guys, for coming out, man.
-This is very exciting. -[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Yeah.
Very, very exciting, man.
Uh, I'll introduce myself. Uh, my name's Jesus Trejo.
Uh, I'm from Long Beach, California.
-Born and raised. -[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah! Long Beach!
Yeah, born and raised. Uh, I'm a only child
-which is great, you know? -[man] Yeah!
Yeah, you, too? Hell yeah.
Trying to get attention. I like it. Hell yeah.
That's a only child right there. For sure.
[laughter]
Did you have imaginary friends?
I did. Hell yeah.
You know what sucks about having imaginary friends?
When you run into them as a grown up.
[laughter]
I ran into one the other day at the grocery store.
I'm like, "David, what's up, player?"
He act like he didn't see me, you know what I'm saying?
[laughter]
I like being an only child. Man, it was great.
That's how I grew up.
Um, you know, if you ever wonder what it's like
to be a only child and have fun, go to any bar,
wait till 2:00 a.m., look at that one drunk guy
just standing there by himself looking down
and every two minutes you just see him go,
-"Ha! That's funny." -[laughter]
That's how I grew up.
With great imagination.
But Long Beach is beautiful. It's a beautiful town, man.
One of my, uh, fondest memories is getting chased
-by a crackhead, you know? -[laughter]
It was great, man. If you know anything
about crackheads you know that they have
infinite amount of energy.
They don't get tired, they're skinny,
-and aerodynamic. -[laughter]
So, I was walking home from school and this crackhead
started to chase me and I'm trying to talk
to the guy. I'm like, "What do you want?"
He's like, "I want your shoes." I'm like, "But they're mine."
He's like, "Give 'em to me!" I'm like, "Aah..."
So I started running and, uh, he chased me.
And finally he grabbed me, threw me on the ground,
and look, I don't know how to fight,
so I didn't know how this was gonna go down.
He started taking my shoes off.
My only defense was to curl my toes inside the shoe.
[laughter]
I thought I was a genius. I was like in my head
I'm gonna hold on to the shoe a little longer.
He kept pulling. I kept arcing.
[laughter]
Took my shoes and left, man.
And I walked home in my socks and that sucks
'cause I didn't wanna get 'em dirty.
I would get a ass whooping when I get home, you know?
So, I got home. My dad was pissed.
He's like, "Hey, I just bought those shoes.
Where are they?" I'm like, "They took 'em."
He's like, "You didn't curl your toes like I told you to?"
[laughter]
I'm like, "Dad, I tried,
but the guy tickled me and I let go."
That's a true story. I got tickled by a crackhead.
You know how scary that is? To fear for your life,
-but also have a good time? -[laughter]
Like, "[laughing] No, those are my shoes."
So my dad was like,
"You know what? I'm gonna put you in karate."
He did. He put me in karate.
He tried to toughen me up.
Make me, like, a big, tough guy,
but, man, karate's a rip off.
Nobody stands still in a real fight.
They hit back.
I took it for five years. I'll show you in two seconds
everything I learned. Ready?
Here we go. [clears throat]
[controlled exhaling]
-That's it, you know? -[laughter]
-Oh, thank you, guys. -[laughter]
Yeah, try doing that in a real fight.
See how it goes, you know?
I don't wanna brag, but I got a orange belt
in karate. Just means perfect attendance.
[laughter]
My first fight was in middle school.
I thought I was ready. Some kid took my backpack.
I'm like, "Hey, that's mine." He's like, "No, it's mine."
And I'm like, "No, my name's on it."
He's all, "Fight me for it." I'm like, "All right."
And he squared up on me properly.
I'm like, "Oh, shit, I don't know that one."
[laughter]
So I just did what I knew. I went into my routine.
-Just, [controlled exhaling] -[laughter]
He didn't let me finish. He just went for the hit.
[thuds] I'm like, "Oh, shit.
Like that hurt, man.
You're going out of order, man.
[laughter]
You're supposed to bow first, man.
[laughter]
And your shoes are still on, man.
-[laughter] -This is concrete.
We need the blue mats only, man."
[laughter]
Long Beach, I love it, man.
I got held at gunpoint three times
before the age of 18. Yeah.
-I'm getting good, you know? -[laughter]
I know it sounds weird, but, man, I learned a lot
getting held at gunpoint.
Like, I found out how religious I was.
I found out how well I can follow directions.
[laughter]
Getting held at gunpoint is like hot yoga,
but you sweat a lot more, you know?
You think yoga poses are hard?
Wait till you have a gun to your head.
"Don't move, motherfucker!" You're like, "Oh, shit.
All right. [exhales]"
[laughter]
"Get on the ground!" "That's downward dog.
Just so you know."
-[laughter] -Yeah, man.
First time I got held at gunpoint, um...I was a kid.
I probably was nine or ten. Who knows?
And, uh, I was with my mom.
We were going to the grocery store.
We're having a great conversation.
Uh, probably talking about something
she wanted to talk about. Like, Transformers
-or Ninja Turtles. -[laughter]
So we're walking. Having a good time.
And as we're walking this guy turns the corner,
gun out, and, uh, he's like, "Hey, give me the money.
I'm not trying to hurt you guys. Just give me the money."
Now the problem is my mother does not speak
or understand English. So I had to translate.
I was an accomplice to the fucking robbery.
[laughter]
You guys ever held mom at gunpoint?
'Cause I did.
To look your sweet mother in the eyes and go...
[speaks Spanish]
[laughter]
Dinero.
And she forked over the money. He grabbed it and he took off.
And he was a man of his word. I respect that.
He didn't hurt us, you know?
But when I got home my dad was pissed, you know?
My mom was upset. My dad was upset.
And my dad looks at me and goes,
"So, what'd you do, karate guy? What'd you do?"
"I just translated."
Second time I got held at gunpoint, uh,
I was about in middle school.
I had a big 'ole fake chain that I saved up for.
Uh, they call them dookie ropes.
Beautiful fake chains, you know?
And, uh, it was my pride and joy.
I worked all summer. And I'm going to school.
This is about 7:00 a.m. I'm walking to school
and this Camaro pulls up... [imitates car engine]
guy jumps out. Gun out.
He's like, "Hey, give me the chain, home boy."
And in my head I was like, "Man, this is early
-for this shit. -[laughter]
This is very early, you know?"
Well, you know what? I really respect anyone
who wakes up early and goes to work, you know?
[laughter]
Right? I'm not here to judge.
That's a family man providing right there, you know?
You got my respect, homie.
He gets close, he grabs my chains.
Like, "Give me the chain, motherfucker."
I'm like, "Oh, it's fake." He's like,
"You think I give a fuck?"
I'm like, "I don't wanna waste your time."
[laughter]
He took it, man, took the chain. Pistol-whipped me.
That sucked. And, uh, he left.
To this day I do not wear any jewelry.
No watches, rings, metal.
Even my apartment keys are plastic.
-Fuck it, you know? -[laughter]
I'm not getting a real ass whooping
over a fake chain anymore.
I enjoy those.
They sound bad, but I really enjoy those.
It builds character, you know?
The third one was my favorite, man.
-[laughter] -Yeah, it was good, man.
It felt so good. Uh, 18 years old.
I was doing laundry.
That laundromat is still there, actually.
7th and Magnolia. Long Beach.
And, uh, I'm finished doing my laundry.
Uh, I have one extra quarter. I'm like, "My lucky day."
[laughter]
So I put it into a Pac-Man machine
and I'm killing it. I'm playing.
I'm doing well and, uh, before I know it
this guy comes up. Puts a gun to my head.
He's like, "Hey, homie, give me your money."
And at first I thought it was a friend.
[laughter]
And at first I didn't think it was a gun.
I thought it was, like, a cell phone or a stapler.
Who know, you know? I just felt it cold and, uh,
I-I tried to make eye contact.
I'm like, "Who is it?" You know?
[laughter]
That startled him and he's like, "Look the fuck down."
I'm like, "All right, that's not a friend for sure."
-You know? -[laughter]
He would've said something by now, you know?
So, I have the gun to my head and, uh, now I'm scared.
But at the same time I'm flattered
because, shit, he thinks I have money, you know?
-[laughter] -That's pretty cool.
Look, I don't think there's bad people.
I think there's bad choices.
And I don't think he was a bad guy.
That fucker saw potential in me.
[laughter]
Right? That's pretty good.
[cheers and applause]
Think about it. A guy with a gun
walks in, scans the room.
Looks at me and is like, "That's my man."
It's like, "Oh, thank you so much."
[laughter]
I feel flattered, man.
It's like, "You picked me."
So, gun to my head. He starts patting me down.
Nothing, man. He moves over to my left side
'cause my wallet was in my front left pocket, right?
So, when he moves over to my left side there was
enough suction built up in the barrel of the gun
that when he moved, like, I heard a...[pops]
and it made him laugh. Like, [deep laugh]
And I laughed, too, 'cause his laugh made me laugh.
Like, "[nervously chuckles] Did you hear that?"
-You know? -[laughter]
Here's how stupid I was. I thought we were
-sharing a moment there. -[laughter]
Like, you know when somebody's mad at you
you make 'em laugh? You're like, "Oh,
you're not mad at me no more." You know?
In my head I'm like, "You're not robbing me."
He's like, "Shut the fuck up!" I'm like, "Oh, he's robbing me."
So, he gets to my left side, pats me down.
Nothing. He gets to my wallet...
he takes my wallet out, man.
And I see his face just drop.
Like, I don't know if you've ever let somebody down
while they're robbing you...
but he was disappointed when he realized that my wallet
-had Velcro on it. -[laughter]
Velcro on a wallet is not a sign of wealth.
[laughter]
-They put that there for coins. -[laughter]
I had no bills in my wallet.
I just had a lot of Canadian pennies
I found interesting over the years, you know?
[laughter]
'Cause when you're young that's fun.
you find a Canadian penny you're like, "Ohh, wow!
Look at this. That's different." You know?
"Pot leaf? No, maple. All right."
[laughter]
And, uh, the guy's just pissed off, man.
He has a gun in one hand,
my Spider-Man wallet on the other...
[laughter]
and he's pissed! I'm wasting his time, you know?
He goes, "Really, motherfucker?"
-I go, "[gulps] Yeah." -[laughter]
And I used to think cartoons made that in predicaments.
You know, when they're in trouble they go,
"[gulps]" But if you're a human
in a predicament, [gulps] You can make it, too.
So, he shakes his head, man. He's shaking his head
and, uh, he--he starts to open my wallet.
Now, if you've ever owned a Velcro wallet
you know that you need these four fingers free and clear
to get in there and [rips].
-Get a clean open. -[laughter]
He didn't put the gun away.
I thought that was very interesting.
Ballsy, you know?
So, he's holding on to the wallet.
He's going... [imitates slow rip of Velcro]
Finally he opens it. [rips]
Pennies everywhere.
It looked like Sonic the Hedgehog
-had run into something. -[laughter]
And I dropped down to my hands and knees
and started picking 'em up
before they fade away.
I've played the game before, you know?
[laughter]
And as I'm doing that, the guy decides to grab
my wallet and just throws it at me
and it hits me. [thuds] I'm like, "Ow."
He's all, "Look at me motherfucker!"
I'm like, "Uh-huh." He's all, "Do better next time,
-you broke motherfucker." -[laughter]
And that hurt my feelings, man.
What I wanted to tell him is like, "Hey, man,
you're robbing people at a laundromat.
[laughter]
You're gonna get coins every time, man."
Maybe you should do better."
[laughter]
Went to Vegas last year.
-[single whistle] -Yeah, Vegas is fun.
I went to old Vegas 'cause it's cheaper, you know?
So I went to old Vegas, It was my friend's birthday.
We were having a great time, you know?
And, uh, we walk into this bar. It's packed.
It's at capacity.
And, um, we want to get to the bar, but it's so packed
that we gotta do one of these. Like, "Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me."
And we're doing that trying to get to the bar,
but as we're doing that, my homie makes a mistake
of stepping on a guy's shoes on accident.
The guy pushes him and I freak out.
I don't know what to do.
So I just started cleaning the bar window
like I work there. Just...
[laughter]
What the hell am I gonna do in a fight?
Cheer him on? Like, "We got this, bro.
-Get him." You know? -[laughter]
"You can do it, bro."
So, fun fact about me. I cry very easy, you know?
I hate that about myself, you know?
It's like a super power that sucks, you know?
So I see my homie arguing with the guy
and already my breathing pattern is changing.
Just... [hyperventilating]
[laughter]
Like, "Jacob, let's just get outta here, man!"
He turns around. He's like, "Nah,
-the hell with this guy! -I'm like..."[hyperventilating]
You don't even know him, man!
[laughter]
So, they're going at it. I'm crying.
And I'm crying more and more.
Now they break into a fight. They're fighting.
I'm crying. I'm wiping tears the long way.
Like, "[sobbing] Jacob!"
[laughter]
I'll give it to Jacob.
He knows how to fight a little bit.
You know, he was like bobbin' and weavin'
trying to do his thing, but the guy he was fighting
was like legit trained.
'Cause my homie's throwing punches,
but the guy's like getting out of the way.
Out of every single punch. Then he decides--
my homie, decides to throw a overhand right.
And, uh, the guy dodges it, gets underneath,
and just hits him in the chin. Boo!
Just control, alt, deleted his ass.
[laughter]
It might've been an Alt F4, who knows?
[laughter]
And he just hits the ground. I lose it.
-"[sobbing] Jacob!" -[laughter]
The bouncer runs in. He looks at me.
He's like, "You're trouble, man! Get outta here!"
I'm like, "I didn't do nothing, man!"
He grabs my friend, picks him up.
He's like, "You're outta here, bro!"
And, uh, other bouncers come in. They grab that guy
and they start taking him out. People start leaving the bar.
They wanna see what happens outside, you know?
People have their phones out. They're recording.
It's scary. Now, I can't get out
'cause it bottlenecks, you know? So, I'm in the back just crying.
Just... "[sniffling, hyperventilating]"
People are more concerned for me then my friend.
[laughter]
He's the one that got knocked out.
"What happened?" "[whining] He knocked him out.
It's his birthday, by the way."
[laughter]
He's all, "Really?" "Yeah, he has a birthday hat."
[laughter]
So, by the time I get outside, the birthday hat's all crooked.
He's all wobbly. Still trying to fight the guy.
And the guy just decides to finish him off, man.
He--He hits him with the right. Drops him.
Gets on top. Starts choking him out
UFC style and it's scary.
But the whole time this is happening,
the guy choking my friend had a dude on the sidewalk
coaching him through the fight.
So, all I hear is, "Left hand! There you go!
Choke him out! Make him tap out!"
So I started coaching my friend. I'm like, "Say you're sorry.
[laughter]
Apologize!
Play dead!
Curl your toes!"
[laughter]
Oh, thank you, guys.
[cheers and applause]
He got beat up, man.
I realized something that day. It's like the best thing
I can do for someone in a fight is maybe record it.
Like, "Jacob, this is where you messed up right here.
Look, I paused at a minute seven.
He got you, bro.
But look how clean the windows are, you know?"
[laughter]
I just wish I was tougher, man.
I'm just not that guy, you know?
It's like, uh, about a year ago
I do a show in L.A. I do a show at The Comedy Store
and I'm walking home. It's about 1:00 a.m., right?
I parked kinda far away. So, I'm walking home.
I'm just minding my own business.
Just being an only child going, "Ha! That's funny."
-You know? -[laughter]
And I'm walking and I'm about to cross a corner
and I see a guy on the corner
I'm about to cross into, right?
And I see him. Big pants, a tight wife beater,
tattoos, muscles, nice guy, you know?
[laughter]
Approachable, you know?
If I had to describe what he looked like,
I'd say he looked like he was self-employed
-for sure, you know? -[laughter]
He was doing well for himself, you know?
So, I see him. I keep my head down.
I want no smoke, you know?
So, I keep walking. I'm walking.
Soon as I get in front of him, the first thing he tells me,
he goes, "Hey, homie, you a bitch."
And I didn't know if it was an old friend
or a psychic, but this guy knew me.
[laughter]
I'm like, "Man, that's pretty good, bro."
[laughter]
And I was stunned, man. I didn't know what to do.
Like, I wasn't gonna fight the guy.
I wasn't gonna, like, run 'cause...
my knees were a little wobbly.
So my first instinct was to give him a high five.
I'm like, "Okay. Thank you."
[laughter]
No high five.
So I try to walk away 'cause I learned that in karate.
Believe it or not.
If somebody fucks with you, just walk away.
Find an adult.
[laughter]
So I try to walk away
and the guy--So, I get about, like, 25, 50 paces out.
The guy runs over, cuts me off,
he gets in my face. We're touching noses.
My nose is scrunched back.
He's swelling up on me like a angry toad.
-[laughter] -And he's talking shit.
He's like, "Hey, homie, I say you a bitch."
I was like, "[slow and soft] I heard you first time."
[laughter]
I was scared. I've never stood up for myself.
I was like 32 years old and I'm 33 now, but, you know?
[laughter]
I was--I was younger, you know?
[laughter]
I was young, man.
And, uh, I've--I've never stood up for myself,
but I felt like I had to. I ha--I had no choice
at that point. And this is where I messed up.
I got a little aggressive.
I got really aggressive. I fucked up.
I looked the guy in the face and I go,
"Hey, man, what's your problem?"
[laughter]
He was quick. He's all, "My problem is you a bitch."
I'm like, "But that's my problem."
[laughter]
It was the best comeback I had at the time, you know?
I was scared, man. I've never had a redhead
talk to me that way, you know?
[laughter]
I've never seen a red-headed thug, but they're out there.
I didn't get his gang name. I'm sure it's something special.
Like Pico de Gallo or something.
-[laughter] Sriracha. I don't know.
And then he throws me off, right?
He throws me off. He's all, "Hey, homie,
I'ma ask you again. Are you a bitch?"
And in my head I'm like, "Why is it a question now?
So now I can't even talk. I have a knot in my throat,
my knees are giving out on me,
I'm crying for sure,
but now there's a question on the table
I need to answer.
So I just closed my eyes and I say, "No."
But he's so close to me that when I said no,
-I gave him an Eskimo kiss. -[laughter]
He didn't see it coming and I didn't see it coming.
I felt the exact moment he felt it.
He's like--Kinda did that. I'm like...
It made me open my eyes. I'm like, "Whoa. What happened?"
You know?
And he got all embarrassed and he just walked away.
[laughter]
And I just saw him walk away. I'm like, "Damn,
-I just won my first fight." -[laughter]
-Yeah! -[cheers and applause]
I won my first fight by default.
Fucking got his ass, you know what I mean?
[laughter]
Yeah, man. Life, man.
Life, life. You guys have parents?
-[woman cheers] -[laughter]
Oh, cool. Me, too, man.
We have a lot in common, you guys.
Yeah, man, I have parents. They're beautiful people.
My mom, very adorable, man.
Best way I can describe my mom, she's the type of lady
who has a fake flower in a vase with real water.
[laughter]
Like, hoping for a miracle. "It's gonna happen." You know?
She'll change the water on the vase.
I'm like, "Mom, you don't find it weird that the water
doesn't go down?"
She's like, "It's a miracle." I'm like, "Ah, you got me."
My mom is the best, man. She's so cool.
Like, my mom claims to have a psychic ability.
It's just very delayed.
Like, she knows exactly what's gonna happen,
-but after the fact. -[laughter]
Somebody stole a camera out of my car
and I told my mom. I said, "Mom, somebody stole
a camera out of my car." She's like, "You know what?
-I had a dream last night. -[laughter]
I knew it."
I'm like, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because if I tell you, you don't believe me.
That's how you are." I'm like, "All right...
just let me get robbed out here."
She's like, "What it the black camera?"
I'm like, "Yeah." "Yup, that's the one.
For pictures?" I'm like, "Yes, that's the one."
"Yeah, I-I knew it. That's the one.
They took it?" I'm like, "Yes, I know that."
[laughter]
So sweet, you know?
My dad--I love my dad, just a lot of tough love,
you know? And I don't mind it.
I love how he raised me, but just a lot of tough love.
Like I remember once my dad telling me that I'm lazy
and if I was a Transformer I'd be a futon.
[laughter]
It's like who writes that on a birthday card, you know?
[laughter]
Seems a little mean.
Yeah, my dad's my hero, man.
Oh, I read that book The Five Love Languages .
I thought it was a great book, you know?
And I asked my dad. I said, "Dad,
what's your love language?" He's like, "Silence."
-I'm like, "All right, cool." -[laughter]
I'm like, "What do you mean?"
He's all, "Shh, shh, shh, shh."
"Got it."
Yeah, man.
I have a phobia of dogs. I can't be around dogs.
I got attacked when I was nine years old.
I was working with my dad and, uh, I was mowing lawns.
And a dog came and got my left kneecap,
took off with it. I'm like, "Hey, I need that."
My dad saw the whole thing go down.
I'm like, "Dad! What do I do?"
He's like, "Get back to work."
And that's what I did. Two weeks go by, right?
And I'm in bed. I'm recovering, you know?
And my father woke me up for school by grabbing
my left knee and going, [barking]
[laughter]
That'll get you out of bed like that!
[laughter]
I'm like, "Dad, that why I pee the bed,
you know that, right?"
Like, I never woke up my father with his fears.
Like, "Bill collectors!" You know?
[laughter]
I don't know why he would do that to me.
He's a great guy, man. Love him.
Like--Like my dad used to embarrass me
'cause he had this huge trophy case at the house
full of trophies. The thing is, he didn't earn
-not one of 'em. -[laughter]
He just found 'em all.
My friends would come over and they would be impressed.
Like, "Damn, look at all these trophies."
I'm like, "Yeah, read the names, man.
[laughter]
None of 'em match."
But he was proud of one trophy. Whenever they would come over
he would start taking trophies out.
Guys, this is my favorite one right here."
I'm like, "Dad, no one's gonna believe that you play lacrosse."
-[laughter] -He's like, "Yes, I did.
They gave this to me when I "lacrosse" the border.
They said, 'Here you go.'"
[laughter]
I don't think that's what it means, but all right.
I love him, man. My mom, a couple years ago,
got cancer. Got a brain tumor.
And, uh, things got a little-- a little weird, man.
It's like when you-- Uh, the person you love,
your mother, is, uh, you know, facing life and death,
it's tough, you know? And that was a really...
hard time for me and, uh, during that time
I got Power of Attorney. You know, over my mother
'cause we didn't know what was gonna happen.
And, uh, they told my mom.
Like, "Your son has Power of Attorney,"
But I don't know what she heard, but she thinks
-I'm a powerful attorney... -[laughter]
and I don't wanna tell her that I have Power of Attorney.
I don't wanna let her down, you know?
She's so proud. I'm like, "Damn it, I'm stuck."
She's bragging about it to her friends.
"Oh, he's very powerful, this guy.
[laughter]
If you need something legal, talk to him.
-Powerful!" -[laughter]
And when you get Power of Attorney over a loved one,
they do this thing where they do an appraisal
of your family's estate. And they did that with us.
You know, and it turns out that my family's estate
is valued at sentimental. Um, so...
So I'm just gonna inherit grudges
and undeveloped film roll apparently.
-[laughter] -Yeah.
Years later, man. Years later my father also got,
uh, cancer as well, man.
And, uh, I was there. I was actually there
when my dad got diagnosed, you know?
I was there and I'm sitting beside my father,
the doctor's there and, uh, again,
my father does not know how to speak or understand English
so I'm there to translate, you know?
And, uh, the doctor goes, "Hey, can you tell your father
that this is the diagnosis and this is a picture."
So I translate. I say, "Hey, Dad, this is
what's going on and, uh, he said you have cancer."
My dad's like, "That's not mine."
The doctor was like, "What happened?"
"Oh, he said it's not his."
He said, "No, I can assure you that it--it's his
and this is the paperwork." And I explained
that to him and he goes, "No, no, no, no.
Tell him that this is the same picture they give everybody.
[laughter]
And they just wanna get money outta me.
Come on, let's go."
And my dad beat cancer. He's cancer free.
He beat cancer on denial alone.
-[cheers and applause] -So, yeah!
How amazing is that?
I wish I could be as stubborn as my dad one day.
He's like, "Fuck it." They say the mind is powerful.
It is. "How'd you beat cancer?"
-"I didn't have it." -[laughter]
Like, "Wow. Hell yeah."
[laughter]
But that was a tough time for me, man,
'cause I took over the family business.
My dad was out of, you know, he couldn't work, you know?
So I took over the family business
and I was happy to do so. I stopped doing comedy
for some time, too, and I'm out there mowing lawns.
I remember the day-- the day I had to go out
there on my own. So, I'm mowing lawns
and this owner of the house comes out.
Good friends with my father for years, you know?
And he comes out. He's like, "Hey, man,
can I talk to you?" I said, "Yeah, what's up?"
So I go over there. We're talking.
He's like, "Hey, man, I heard about your father.
I'm really sorry." I said, "Thank you, man."
He's like, "Man, I hope he gets better."
I'm like, "Thanks, man." But the whole time he's talking
to me he's not making eye contact.
He's looking at his yard work.
He's like, "Oh..."
He's all, "I hope your father gets better.
[laughter]
And, um, yeah, he's a good guy.
And, um..."
Now I'm like, "Oh, boy, I'm getting fired today."
He's like, "Can I tell you something?"
I said, "Yes, what's up?"
He said, "You can't tell your dad."
I said, "I won't."
He's like, "Man, you're way better
at this than your father." I'm like, "What?"
It's like that's when I felt like I lived
the American Dream backwards.
I went to college, got educated,
followed my dreams of being a comic,
then mow lawns.
It's like, "Shit, I don't wanna find out
that this is my calling." You know what I mean?
This is what I should've been doing the whole time.
Damn it! -[laughter]
But I worry about my parents 'cause, like,
I'm a caregiver at this point. I'm a caregiver to my parents.
It feels like I'm raising 'em.
Everything they told me not to do as a kid,
as they're getting older, they're doing it.
Staring? They love it. They just stare for no reason.
I remember once eating with my mom.
We were sitting there and my mom out of nowhere
stands up and goes, "That's a ugly shirt
that guy has." I'm like, "Awesome. For sure.
-He heard you." -[laughter]
I look over there. The guy's giving me
the "what the hell" hands.
He's says, "What the hell, man?"
I'm like, "I'm sorry, sir. She's little.
-She don't know. -[laughter]
Trying to raise her right, you know?"
It's so crazy. Like, my parents I-I--
I want them to be around, but if they keep eating
the way they do, they're not.
You know, they're like kids. They want to eat
everything they're not supposed to.
Greasy foods, sweets, all of it.
The doctor told both of my parents that they cannot
eat red meat and greasy foods, you know?
And my dad loves it. Chicharrónes?
His favorite food ever.
If you guys don't know what chicharrónes are,
they're, uh, pork fat fried in pork...fat.
[laughter]
And if you've never had 'em, yes, they're delicious.
It's so good, man, but it's like my dad goes
on these walks, you know? He goes on these walks
and he'll be out walking and, uh, he comes back home,
-his lips all shiny. -[laughter]
I'm like, "What happened?"
"What? I went for a walk."
I'm like, "Your lips are all shiny."
He's all, "Oh, shit." "Chicharrónes?"
He's like, "Yeah, you know."
Loves chicharrónes. I remember one time
I came home, I was out on a road trip,
I was out doing shows and I come back home
and as soon as I walk into--into the apartment,
I look towards the kitchen and there's a red bag
on top of the refrigerator. And it was a paper bag
and it looked wet from, like, oil.
I'm like, "Dang it, man." That's what's so crazy about,
like, my dad eating chicharrónes.
Like, one time my dad got so mad
that I poured hot grease down the drain.
He said it was gonna clog up.
I'm like, "You have no problem eating it."
[laughter]
He's like, "It's expensive to unclog a drain!"
"It's a lot more expensive to unclog a artery.
I'll tell you that, you know?"
But I saw the paper bag there and I was so let down, man.
One, my parents are not supposed to eat that.
Two, my parents are five foot.
[laughter]
I'm 6'3". I'm gonna see it.
[laughter]
That hurt. That means my parents
worked together...
[laughter]
to hide chicharrónes in plain sight.
"Okay, you get the chair." "All right, let's do it."
[laughter]
My mom helped my dad get on top,
kept his balance, and hid it from me in plain sight.
That hurt, man.
'Cause if you're gonna hide something from me,
put it underneath the refrigerator.
[laughter]
So, I grabbed the bag and they were in the bedroom
and I go in there. I kick the door open.
[whoosh] And both of my parents are like,
"Oh." Like, "What happened?"
My dad looks down, sees the bag of chicharrón
in my hand. He's like, "[gulp]"
[laughter]
I'm like, "Guys, do you guys know what this is?"
And they're both up against the wall scared.
Like, it looked like I caught two seventh graders
sharing a pack of cigarettes, you know?
They're scared. I'm like, "Dad, do you know
what this is?" He's like, "No.
-It's not mine." -[laughter]
I'm like, "Are you sure, Dad?" He's like, "Yeah.
I'm holding them for a friend." You know?
[laughter]
It's like, "You're lying to me, Dad."
And my mom has this super power, man.
-It's called Catholic guilt. -[laughter]
She'll lie for my father right in front of me.
She slid out with an excuse like the Temptations.
-Just, [snaps] -[laughter]
"Listen, he told you they're not his,
but if you wanna act that way, be that way."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Whoa."
Like, how do I feel like the bad person now,
you know?
I don't know what to do. I think I gotta start
searching my apartment for snack contraband
like it's a prison cell.
Bring the neighbor's kid, Arturo, little chubby kid.
He can smell snacks from a mile away.
[laughter]
Like, "Mom, Dad, this is Arturo."
[snorts like pig] "Wait, hold on, bro.
-Hold on. Hold on. -[laughter]
He can smell snacks from a mile away.
If there's anything in here you want me to know about,
tell me now 'cause if he finds it--
[snorts like pig] Hold on, bro! Hold on!
I will call your primary care physician.
-Okay?" -[laughter]
I don't know how to get through to them.
I want them to be around, but I don't want them
to keep eating unhealthy.
I saw this show called Scared Straight.
I don't know if you guys seen it.
It's been around for a long time.
Um, Scared Straight. The premise of the show
is kids who are messing up in life,
they take 'em to a prison, they scare 'em
in hopes of them turning their life around.
And most of the time it works.
I wanna do a TV show like that for elderly people
where you take 'em to a ER...
[laughter]
and scare 'em a little bit.
I would love to do that, you know?
Take my parents. Like, "This is not McDonald's."
-I'm like, "I know it's not. -[laughter]
This is a ER."
Just to see the look on my father's face.
Like, "Why is that guy missing his ears?"
"'Cause he wouldn't eat vegetables, Dad.
That's why."
"Why is that guy missing his legs?"
"'Cause he only ate chicharrónes.
Your choice, Dad."
My dad sometimes likes to compare me
to other people which is... fine.
He uses it as a mechanism for tough love, you know?
He wants-- He wants to inspire me.
Do better, you know? Push me to do great things.
Like, to this day he compares me to this friend of mine.
His name Jesse and I grew up with him.
His father was a mechanic and, uh, my dad a gardener
and we grew up working with our fathers
and that's how we bonded. We became good friends.
The thing about Jesse is that he's now a gynecologist.
You know, and he put himself through medical school
working as a mechanic.
And I still think he has mechanic tendencies.
-[laughter] -You just can't get rid of that.
And my dad's like, "How come you can't be like him?"
It's like, "We don't know if he's a good gynecologist
or not.
I gotta go to his office to see how it goes down."
Like, "Hi, Mrs. Smith. How are you?
What brings you in? Check up?
Okay, let's take a look under the hood.
-Have a seat here. -[laughter]
Excuse me, can you lift your legs up?
All right, here we go.
[laughter]
All right, let's take a look under the hood.
See, [grunts]. All right, let's take a look here.
[laughter]
What year is this? '86? No way.
They don't make 'em like this anymore.
I'll tell you that.
You American? Nice, with Mexican parts.
-I like it, man. -[laughter]
Got some water damage in here. We can fix it.
When was the last time you changed the filter, huh?
Thanks for coming in. They'll take care of you
right over here. Thanks for coming."
[laughter]
I will say this, if I can tell you one thing
to take away tonight it's to don't do anything
to impress other people. Do it to impress yourself.
I learned that the hard way, man.
I ran the L.A. Marathon trying to impress my dad.
-Uh... -[laughter]
That's a long way to go for respect, man.
[laughter]
Holy moly.
But I wanted to impress my dad. I-I've never done
anything like that and it's like, look,
there's some things I can't explain to immigrant parents.
My dad is from Mexico and there's certain things
I can't explain to him. Like, one time I bought
a pair of ripped jeans. I thought I looked great.
I put 'em on, about to leave.
I'm like, "All right."
And my dad stopped me at the door.
"Hey, Jesus! Jesus! Don't go nowhere, man.
Your pants are ripped."
-[laughter] -He scared me.
I'm like, "What? No, I-I bought 'em this way."
He's like, "That's okay. Keep the receipt.
That happened to me one time."
[laughter]
I'm like, "No, Dad, I bought 'em bought 'em this way."
"What?"
He's like, "So, you bought pants to make it seem
like you have a harder job than you do?"
He's all, "No one's gonna believe you ripped the pants
-telling jokes." -[laughter]
"Good point."
He's all, "That's the problem with your generation.
Millennials, you do things to impress other people."
He's all, "Would you buy a brand new car
that's already dented?"
I'm like, "If it's cool, hell yeah I would."
[laughter]
He told me. He's like, "Hey, have a seat.
I wanna talk to you." I'm all, "All right."
He goes to his closet, opens it up,
he showed me stacks of ripped jeans
he doesn't wear anymore because they're ripped.
He's all, "Look at this. You don't see me wearing them."
And I was like, "What size are they?"
He's like, "Shut the hell up, man."
[laughter]
My mom felt bad-- My mom felt bad
that my dad was giving me a hard time
about the jeans so, again, I go on the road,
I come back like a week later.
You know what my adorable mom did?
She got all my ripped jeans and just sewed them up.
[laughter]
What do you say to that? "Thank you."
[laughter]
Certain things you can't explain, man.
Abstract art.
To my parent's generation, art looked like art,
They don't have an appreciation for other things.
They're like, "What is this?" You know?
So I have a friend, Talented, talented artist,
his name's Taylor and I went to one of his shows.
And he sold out on all his abstract art
and it was beautiful, man. I was so happy.
I was, like, cheering for him. Like, "Man, this is awesome."
But he had one piece left.
He's like, "No, I didn't sell one.
I'm left with one piece." I said, "Oh, that's awesome."
He's all, "I'm gonna give it to you."
I said, "No, you don't-- you don't have to.
I couldn't afford it."
He's like, "No, I'm giving it to you.
Thank you for coming out." I'm like, "Ah, shit.
Thank you, man."
So, I was so happy. This is my first ever art piece.
You know, I grab it, I go home,
and I put it up on my wall.
And I'm so proud, man. This is my first art piece.
And all it is, it's a big, white square
red triangle,
uh, yellow rectangle,
red circle, squiggly line.
Abstract art, you know what I mean?
And I'm proud. I'm just soaking it in.
I'm like, "Wow, this is beautiful, man."
And then I hear my dad's slippers walk into the room.
-Just...[swishes] -[laughter]
And I don't even wanna turn around
'cause I can feel the heat from my dad's eyes on my neck.
-[laughter] -Just burning a hole.
-Just...shh... -[laughter]
I don't know what it is.
My dad's always chewing something.
Just...[chewing loudly], you know?
[laughter]
And I can hear it behind me. Just, shhhh and then [chewing].
[laughter]
But I don't wanna turn around. Just letting him wait.
Finally, he can't take it no more.
He's like, "Wha--What the hell is this?"
Like, "Dad! I didn't even know you were there."
You know? He's all, "What is this?"
I'm like, "Oh, this is, uh-- this is abstract art."
He's like, "Who gave you that?"
I'm like, "Oh, oh, oh, my friend gave it to me."
He's all, "How old's your friend? Five?"
[laughter]
"Ha ha! Yeah, I can see why you think that,
but, uh, no he's like 30-something years old."
"Oh, okay. So he did this when he was younger
-or something?" -[laughter]
"No."
He's like, "Is he gonna finish it?"
I'm like, "It's done, Dad. It's done.
-This is it." -[laughter]
So there's certain things I can't explain to my father.
So, I don't know why I tried, but in my heart I'm like,
"You know what? I'm gonna run a marathon
and I'm gonna make my father proud."
'Cause we don't have any trophies or medals in our name.
-In our last name. -[laughter]
So I'm like, "He's gonna be really proud.
This is gonna be our first one.
He's gonna get rid of all of 'em and this is gonna be it."
So I train for a year. Uh, for a year straight
every day rain or shine. In the morning I would wake up
and run three miles a day and I did that
for a whole year to train. I felt good.
Uh, I now know that that was incorrect, you know?
'Cause at some point you gotta run more than three miles.
[laughter]
And, um, but I ran it with a friend of mine
and my friend was very gracious and saying that he was
meet me at the race.
Uh, at the start line the day of, you know?
So, I get there and I'm stretching.
I'm, like, in a good mood, and he shows up.
He's like, "Hey, man, good to see you."
I'm like, "Man, good to see you, too. Are you ready?"
He's like, "Yeah, I'm ready." He's all, "Did you train?"
I'm like, "I did. Three miles a day."
-He's like, "What the fuck?" -[laughter]
He's all, "You're kidding!" I said, "No!
That's pretty good, right?" He's like, "No, that's bad."
He's all, "You're gotta run more than three miles a day."
He's like, "Ah, but it's too late now."
-I'm like, "I guess." -[laughter]
I'm like, "Do you have any tips for me?"
He's like, "Uh...
-go home, maybe? I don't--" -[laughter]
Like, "No, I'm gonna stay." He's all, "All right.
No, I'm kidding. I'm--I'm glad you're here.
He's all, "The biggest tip I can give you..."
He's like, "Look, you're gonna be running for so long
that if you don't eat stuff, you can faint
and, like, die." He's like, "People, like,
poop themselves and all kinds of stuff.
And they throw up." He's all, "You gotta eat."
I'm like, "Oh, no, I'll eat for sure."
And I did. I ate everything they gave me.
I ate cookies, donuts, sandwiches.
Brownies. I ate everything, man.
I'm the first marathon runner ever to weigh more at the end...
[laughter]
than the beginning of the marathon.
"Mr. Trejo, would you run the marathon again?"
"Absolutely. It was delicious."
[laughter]
But I ran it, man. It was--It was so cool.
Uh, L.A. Marathon, it's, uh, Dodger Stadium
all the way to Santa Monica Pier.
-[man] Wow. -Yeah, 26.2 miles.
Like, that's far in a car, you know what I mean?
It took me five hours, 44 minutes,
-39 seconds, you know? -[man whoos]
I still got the quicker had I driven through
-L.A. traffic, you know? -[laughter]
But I did it, man. Biggest accomplishment, man.
And, uh, I remember running and--and just enjoying it.
'Cause I had never run a marathon.
I was having a great time. I'm running, and, uh,
I didn't know what "goo" was. Maybe you guys know
-what "goo" is. -[man] Yeah.
Uh, yeah, like little packets of caffeine.
100 mg, you know?
And I was killin' 'em 'cause I didn't know it was,
-like, caffeine. -[laughter]
It was just delicious. So I'm killing 'em.
Killin' 'em.
And I-I felt, like, a energy boost.
And, uh, my homie was like, "Hey, you know those have
caffeine?" I'm like, "No, way."
You know, I'm probably running faster.
In my head I'm, like, jetting, you know?
[laughter]
The reality was I was just like, "Oh."
-Like, "Oh, no. -[laughter]
Oh, this is not good, man."
I looked like a crackhead from Long Beach,
you know what I mean? "Give me your shoes.
Give me your shoes.
-Stop curling your toes, bro." -[laughter]
But I ran it, man.
And I kept eating 'em, eating 'em.
And then at one point I was just so excited, man.
I was just so excited that, uh, people give you stuff,
like, along the way. They give you, like, little cups
of Gatorades at the water station,
uh, they give you, like, water, and then at one point
I see this woman. She has a Popsicle stick out
with a big chunk of goo. Big ole thing like this
and she's holding it up and I'm like, "Oh,
-I haven't had the vanilla one. -[laughter]
This is gonna be good." So I'm, like, going over there,
-you know? -[laughter]
More like... just going over there.
And, um, so I get closer. It's like you know when you,
like, about to eat something and in your head you're like,
"Oh, this is a flavor that I'm about to get into"?
So, I'm like, "Oh, this is gonna be so good." You know?
I grab it and I eat it. It was all Vaseline,
-so... -[audience groans]
One of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten
-in my life. -[laughter]
It's so hard to get Vaseline out of your mouth, man.
Water doesn't help. It just glides off.
"Aah...aah..."
[laughter]
And then about 30 minutes later I'm running, I'm running,
I'm having a good time, and then I just hear my stomach
-go, [growls loudly]. -[laughter]
I'm like, "Oh, no, the Goo Gods are talking."
-[laughter] -So I had to go to the restroom
and I went to the restroom. I took the most immaculate
number two I've ever taken in my life.
Easy, no pressure. Just...[whooshes]
-[whooshes] Done. -[laughter]
Not a trace. Just like, "Really? Nothing?
[laughter]
That was pretty cool." Like a little phantom deuce,
-you know? -[laughter]
So I got back out there, man, and I'm just running, man.
I'm doing my thing. And it feels good, you know?
So about mile 11 I broke off from my friend.
I'm like, "Hey, man, I'm gonna go ahead."
He's like, "Hey, man, do you. Do you"
I'm like, "All right." So, you know, I started
getting ahead and then around mile 16
my body starts to break down. I feel it.
My knees sound like, just, uh, empty water bottles
being crushed. It's just...[crunching]
"This is not good, you know?" But I'm going.
Um, I started getting pain in my lower back.
You know, it feels like somebody's tasering me.
I got a headache from all the caffeine goo
I've been eating, but I'm going.
So it's now mile 26, right? Mile 26.
I'm .2 miles away from the finish line
and I can see it! I'm right there.
I'm about to be done, but I take what I think
is gonna be my last step ever in life.
-[laughter] -I take the last step.
I'm like, "Ugh, I can't go anymore."
I'm like, "I-I have to take another step."
So I take another step. I'm like, "[groans]
That hurts so much." And if you've ever run
a marathon, you know how supportive people can be.
They're very supportive and that's what's beautiful
about a marathon, you know? People supporting people
to accomplish a life-long dream or a goal.
And I'm there and I'm just like, "I don't know what to do."
And this elderly woman runs past me and she's like,
"Baby, you can do it." I'm like, "Ah!
-That hurt so much! -[laughter]
You're not helping!"
That hurt a lot.
And I thought about quitting at that moment.
I said, "You know what? I'm done.
I don't wanna do this no more. I'm done."
But I remind myself why I'm there.
I'm like, "You know, don't you wanna make your dad proud?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I do." So I stay, you know?
And I take another step and I'm like,
"I think I can do this."
So I started taking my little steps and I'm just
going for it, you know?
My shoulder blades hurt so much at this point.
They're all cramped up that I can't, like,
keep my arms straight to run. They're like coiled up.
And I'm like, "That's not stopping me."
I'm just going for it. I'm going.
And then as I'm going, people start clapping for me.
They're like, "You can do it!" I'm like, "All right,
-thank you, man. -[laughter]
Appreciate y'all. All right. [imitates gun shots]"
[laughter]
And I keep going. I'm getting, like, more energy.
I'm like, "Yeah! Hell yeah, man!"
And then I look back and everyone's cheering.
They're like, "Keep going!" I'm like, "All right!
-All right! Sorry, man. -[laughter]
I didn't know you can't stop, you know?"
I looked to my left, this woman is crying, man.
I look to my left and she's crying.
She's like, "Keep going, baby!" I'm like, "I am. Are you okay?"
She's like, "Yeah, keep going! This is beautiful!"
I'm like, "What is?
[laughter]
What's beautiful?
The sky? I know that one."
So I just keep going, man.
And I'm getting closer. I'm like, "Oh, hell yeah!"
-You know? -[laughter]
And then I look to my right and I see this woman.
She's crying, too, but I can't hear 'cause it's so loud.
People are cheering, but I can read her lips.
I look at her. I'm like, "What is she saying?"
She's like, "You are an inspiration to me."
-I go, "Oh, no... -[laughter]
Oh, man. This is not good."
They think this is something else.
[laughter]
I am now embarrassed off my ass.
[laughter]
I want this whole thing to be over, you know?
I'm not having a good time.
So I just keep going.
[laughter]
And then I realized something.
I realized something, man,
and, I think, um, we all have a moment
as an adult that--that--that changed you.
This was this moment for me as an adult.
This changed me 'cause I realized that they
were not cheering for me.
They were cheering for a gentleman in front of me.
And, um...I get goosebumps to this day telling this story
because, uh, I didn't know what condition he had,
but he had a condition. I'm no doctor.
I don't know what that was, but it was very beautiful
'cause I don't care who you are, you cannot wake up one day
and say, "I'm running a marathon."
You have to train at least incorrectly, like I did
-you know? -[laughter]
And I'm looking at him and he's, like, going for it.
Like, no one's cheering for him. Well, they were, you know?
[laughter]
But it was so cool 'cause he wasn't trying to impress nobody.
He was trying to impress himself.
And here I was trying to impress my dad, you know?
And this is how I know I'm not a good person.
'Cause my second thought was, "How the hell
-is he in front of me?" -[laughter]
So I had one more packet of goo. I took the hit.
I said, "Let's do it, bro."
[laughter]
And I'm going. I can't catch up, man.
I'm trying so hard to catch up. I cannot.
I get close, but I don't catch up.
And I'm going and I'm going. And I-I--[stammers]
you know, he looks at me, I look at him.
[laughter]
And I say, "Hey, can I just talk to you for a minute?"
He's all, "What's up?" I'm like,
"Hey, you're impressive, man, I've been behind you
for a while now apparently and, um...
-[laughter] -You're really good, man."
He's like, "Yeah, did you train?"
I said, "I did. Three miles." And he laughed.
I'm like, "Oh, screw you, man. All right...
you can lead, bro."
And then I realized something as well.
That when you run a marathon and you cross the finish line,
[whoosh] they take a picture.
I'm like, "Man, I can't have this dude anywhere near me."
[laughter]
Not that I care. I don't care.
I think it's really impressive, but I just won't be able
to explain this to my father.
[laughter]
So I go and I'm going and I'm going.
I cross the finish line. [whooshes]
Race is done.
Twenty six-point-two miles. Five hours, forty four minutes,
thirty nine seconds. Freaking done.
Biggest accomplishment of my life, man.
-[cheers and applause] -Oh, thank you.
So great. So, I sit down and I'm like--
I'm tired of course. I'm in a lot of pain,
but I start getting really cold and I don't know why.
I start shaking, you know?
And then, uh-- I know this now,
that if you've been moving for so long
and then you stop, you can catch hypothermia.
So, I was like potentially catching hypothermia.
I'm so cold. So, a lady runs over
with, like, an aluminum blanket. She has a yellow shirt.
It says "Staff." And, uh, she wraps me up
in this thing and I think it's a bad prank,
-you know? -[laughter]
Wrap the Mexican guy in aluminum foil?
-Good. -[laughter]
I'm just there shaking like, "Oh, no. All right."
And, um, she leaves, but then the woman comes over
and, uh, she--she's from the marathon.
"Staff" shirt and she's like, "Hey, baby.
Congratulations." She's like, "You finished
the L.A. Marathon. The 33rd annual L.A. Marathon."
I said, "Awesome. Thank you."
She's like, "Look, I have something for you."
She puts the medal on. I feel the weight of it.
I'm a mess. I'm crying, you know?
She's like, "Congratulations." She's like, "You finished in
under six hours so that means everyone
from first place all the way to--
I don't know what place you got."
I'm like, "Ah, don't say it like that, you know what I'm saying?"
She's all, "But you get the medal.
I said, "Thank you so much." She's like, "Congratulations.
We'll see you next year."
I'm like, "No, you will never see me.
[laughter]
I don't like it here."
[laughter]
And then she's like, "Oh, before I forget.
This is yours." And so she goes over
and hands me this, like, cardboard folder thing, right?
And then she leaves. I'm like, "Oh, thank you."
And I unwrap my aluminum foil costume, you know?
And I open it and it's a picture of the marathon.
Me crossing the finish line. I'm like, "Wow.
I can--Fuck! He's right there!
[laughter]
Damn it! Now what, man?!"
I'm tired! I'm tired. I wanna go home, you know?
And, uh, so I gotta take a Uber from Santa Monica
all the way to Long Beach and, um...
so I take the Uber, but the whole way that I'm headed home
I'm, like, praying that my father isn't home.
'Cause--Look, tough love. It's fine, but, like--
like, I just imagine, like, my dad is like that kinda guy.
If he was to walk in on me about to commit suicide
with a gun in my mouth, first thing he would say,
"Hey, put some plastic up or some shit, man.
You're gonna make a big fucking mess here!
Look, I don't wanna lose my son and the deposit.
That's not good."
[laughter]
So that's what I gotta go home to.
So I get home and I just wanna beeline to my room and lay down.
So I open the door. My dad's watching the game.
-I'm just like, going over. -[laughter]
He goes, "Jesus!" I'm like, "Ah, shit."
I'm like, "Hey. What's up?"
He's all, "Why you look like that?"
[laughter]
"What are you talking about?"
He's like, "You look like that."
He's all, "Don't tell me. Don't tell me."
He's all, "You finally got a real man job?
A real man job, um, you know, where your pants
can rip working and stuff?"
Like, "No, I still tell jokes, but I ran the marathon, Dad."
-He's all, "Oh, that's cute." -[audience awws]
I'm like, "What do you mean? 'That's cute'?"
He's like, "Yeah, that's nothing, man."
He's all, "How many miles is that?"
I'm like, "26.2." He's all, "That's cute."
I'm like, "What are you talking about, Dad?"
He's like, "Look, man, have a seat.
I wanna talk to you, man."
He's all, "When I ran 100 miles over the border..."
[laughter]
He's all, "Nobody gave me Gatorade I want you to know."
[laughter]
How can I compete with that line?
"When I ran 100 miles--" I'm like, "[groans] I'm done.
-Here." -[laughter]
He's all, "Nobody gave me nothing.
I just have a trophy I gave to myself
when I 'lacrosse' the border.
[laughter]
[applause]
He's like, "I gave that to myself because I did that."
He's all, "That's the problem with your generation.
Again..." He's like, "That's a problem with you Millennials.
Man, you do stuff to impress people.
You want people to like you
and you upload the pictures on Instaface."
[laughter]
I'm like, "I don't have that one yet,
but I'll be sure to sign up," you know?
He's all, "You want people to like you, man."
He's like, "You know why I ran 100 miles over the border?
'Cause I have responsibilities."
He's all, "You know what that is?"
I'm like, "I think so. I don't know..."
He's all, "I had responsibilities, man.
I had a wife, I had kids.
I had a side chick and a kid."
I'm like, "Get the hell outta here.
-[laughter] -You had a side chick
and a kid?" He's all, "Bro, that's you.
You know that, right?" I'm like, "Oh..."
[laughter]
[exhales sharply] All right.
Is that why you always had two jobs?"
"Two families, that's right."
Like, "Oh, man." He's all, "So now you tell me
why you ran the marathon."
I'm like, "Oh, man, I did it to impress you
and, uh, to get, uh, free Vaseline.
-I don't know. -[laughter]
A medal with our last name on it."
He's all, "Oh, I see that. That's pretty cool, man."
And this is the part where I almost got disowned.
He looks at me and he goes, "Did you pay to run?"
-I'm like, "[gulps] -[laughter]
Yeah."
He's all, "How much did you pay?"
I'm like, "$150 dollars." He's all, "$150 dollars!
You're stupid, right?"
He's all, "You couldn't run on the sidewalk for free
following everybody?"
-[laughter] -I'm like, "Oh, man.
I didn't even think about that."
[applause]
And I'm just there feeling bad for myself, you know?
Bad, but proud, you know?
It's like, "I did it." You know?
And then my dad goes, "What's that in your hand?"
-I'm like, "Oh, nothing." -[laughter]
He's all, "What is it?" I'm like, "Oh, nothing."
"Tell me." I'm like, "It's a picture."
He's all, "I would love to see that."
[laughter]
"I don't wanna show you, Dad."
"I really wanna see it now."
Now, I don't have the energy to run from my father
or rip the picture.
He just goes over there just takes it from me.
Just...shht! "Give me that."
And he takes the picture, goes to the dinner table,
sets it down, opens it up.
He puts on his little Walgreens glasses
that come in the...
He puts on those glasses that come in the tube, you know?
Sit right here like Santa Claus, you know?
[laughter]
Like, to this day I feel like my dad doesn't,
like, need glasses. He always looks over 'em
like this, you know?
[laughter]
"You don't know what prescription you are."
"No, I don't know."
He probably had 20/20 this whole time.
Puts the picture down. He opens it
and he just looks at the picture, you know?
[laughter]
[sighs heavily]
"Who the fuck is this guy?"
[laughter]
So now I gotta go over there and look, you know?
It's like, [groans] and I look.
I'm like, "Dad, that's me." He's like, "I know that's you.
Look at the guy next to you. He's making fun of you.
What the hell's going on here?"
[laughter]
I'm like, "Oh, man."
He's all, "Don't embarrass me like that no more."
My last name's on your bib, man.
He's all, "Don't do athletic things.
Can you just be a stay-at-home son?
Can you do that?" I'm like, "Yeah.
Hell yeah, I can do that."
[laughter]
My name's Jesus Trejo. That's my time.
Thank you, guys, so much!
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause continues]
[microphone droans]
[bright tone]