- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Downloaded from YTS.MX
please welcome to the stage, Jen Fulwiler.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
- It
is
amazing
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
what I will do to get an hour
where my kids can't ask me for anything.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, you guys get it now.
You thought this looked nerve wracking.
Now I'm gonna have a line of 20 moms backstage
volunteering to open for me.
[audience laughs]
I've been working out this material in my local comedy clubs
and people say, "Jen, aren't you worried about hecklers?"
I say, "Is that where I'm trying to speak
and someone interrupts me with a bunch of sassy backtalk?"
[audience laughs]
Oh, I think I know how to deal with hecklers.
I tell these guys at these clubs at these dive bars.
I walk in there and I say,
"We're gonna make that right there the naughty corner."
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
Anyone hassles me, you got five minutes in timeout
and you don't get out till you say you're sorry.
[audience laughs]
I have six kids.
People ask me if I'm gonna have another.
And on the one hand, a seventh baby would be a lot of work,
but on the other hand,
my punch card at the hospital is full,
and I get my seventh one free.
[audience laughs]
People bring up the fact that I have so many kids
at the weirdest times.
I was working out at the gym with a personal trainer,
and she leans down and says,
"Jen, you have given birth six times.
I want you to bring that strength and that courage
that you brought to childbirth to this workout.
You can do it."
And I said, "I get epidurals."
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]
I don't know what she was imagining
my child birth experiences are like.
When my last kid was born, I was scrolling Instagram.
[audience laughs]
I found out the baby arrived
because the doctor sent me a DM.
[audience laughs]
It's crazy having so many kids.
You get asked all these questions,
like people always ask me,
"Jen, don't you want to try natural childbirth?"
They never asked you that for any other medical procedure.
Like if someone's going like,
"Got an impacted tooth, and they have to extract it."
Nobody's like, "Are you doing it naturally?"
[audience laughs]
Imagine if people use this as a way to brag,
like, "I'm having my appendix out this weekend,
but no drugs for me.
[audience laughs]
I want to breathe through it.
[audience laughs]
I wanna be awake when it comes out."
[audience laughs]
We had six babies, and eight years, no twins.
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
I'll take that.
I'll say I earn that.
Thank you also for the people who just gasped silently.
[audience laughs]
But when we would tell people about baby showers,
they'd be like,
"This is not supposed to be an annual tradition."
[audience laughs]
We ran out of stuff for baby registries.
For my fifth kid, I registered at Sephora.
[audience laughs]
My sixth was at the liquor store.
[audience laughs]
When you have your sixth baby, you need another baby walker,
you need Johnny Walker.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
One of the things you have to get used to
when you have a baby
is the way other women will talk to it.
So your sister-in-law will lean over to your baby
and say, "You don't have a hat, do you?
You're cold, aren't you?
your mommy forgot your hat because
she spends too much time on that phone, doesn't she?"
[audience laughs]
So the way you handle that is you
turn right back to that baby,
[audience laughs]
and you say, "We're not gonna listen to Auntie Meg, are we?
[audience laughs]
Why not, because all herchildren smoke weed, don't they?
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]
Yes they do, yes they do."
I think it's so hard.
I have had to Google things like
how to handle classroom bullying,
what to do if your kid's teacher
has an anger management issue.
[audience laughs]
Other than that, homeschooling is going pretty well.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding] [audience cheering]
I know it's a strange choice.
I know homeschooling is a different choice,
but look, it's simply important to me
that my children receive an education
that starts after 10:00 am.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
People are like "Jen, you're a homeschooler.
My cousin is also a doomsday prepper."
[audience laughs]
I try to tell them this is a very
modern system of education.
It's very sophisticated.
They won't listen to me, like,
"No, no, no, I know all about homeschooling,
I read the book about it, Flowers in the Attic."
[audience laughs]
The nice thing about homeschooling though
is your class reunion is also your family reunion.
[audience laughs]
You can kind of kill two birds with one stone there.
Now my oldest child has actually begun
going to Catholic school.
The only thing is it starts really early.
[audience laughs]
And there's no bus service.
[groans]
So that is an early Uber for him.
[audience laughs]
I have a theory.
I have a theory that there are two kinds
of babies and toddlers.
The first kind are climbers.
Climbers, you know you have a climber
if you've ever thought,
"I didn't think I would have to install
childproof locks on the cabinet above the fridge."
[audience laughs]
I didn't have that problem because my kids
were the other type.
They were screamers.
Oh, these kids they would scream about anything,
They would scream about anything at all.
Like I would just try to enforce some simple rules,
like for example, screen time limits
are very important to me.
I will not allow my children to watch
more than 15 hours of screens a day.
Try to set these limits,
they would just scream, and scream, and scream,
and they would scream about crazy stuff.
Like I would run into the room,
someone is screaming so loudly,
I'd be like, "What, what, what who needs a tourniquet?"
And it would turn out somebody looked at her cracker.
[audience laughs]
When the UPS guy would come to our door,
I am positive that on more than one occasion,
he walked up to our door, heard all this chaos inside,
and was like, "Is this a portal to hell?"
[audience laughs]
I would call my husband at work during these moments
when all six of my children
were screaming their heads off.
They got silent, dead silent.
Five minutes before, it sounded like
I was standing on the set of the movie Saw.
[audience laughs]
My husband answers the phone,
and it sounds like I am telephoning him
from a top a peaceful hilltop monastery.
[audience laughs]
And he'd say, "Well, that's great, we can chat now."
I didn't call you to chat.
I called you so you will understand how bad my life is.
[audience laughs]
And then I get off the phone and keep calling him
until I got him on the phone
when every single one of those children were screaming.
[audience laughs]
And he'd be like, "That is awful."
And I'd be like, "Yes, thank you," and hang up.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
I am an introvert, in case you can't tell.
If you would like to know what level of introvert I am,
my children thought it was normal
that when someone knocks at the door,
you hide.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
It would be like,
[microphone thumping]
"Go, go, go, get away from the window,
away from the window.
It might be a friend."
[audience laughs]
And then they go over to their friends houses.
And when the doorbell would ring, they'd be like,
"Should we hide behind the couch or the table?"
[audience laughs]
Well, there's this misconception.
Being an introvert doesn't mean
that I don't like being around people.
I love being around people
the way an astronaut likes going to the moon.
It is a wonderful, beautiful, joyful experience
that makes life worth living.
It just has to be planned with careful precision timing,
so that I don't die in a burst of flames.
[audience laughs]
You know I'd love to know.
Is there anyone here in the house tonight,
and make some noise if this is you,
who happens to be
Catholic?
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
I was a lifelong atheist before I became Catholic.
And when people hear that I chose
to join the Roman Catholic Church,
they're like, "Eh, why?"
[audience laughs]
Not just the Catholics.
[audience laughs]
You just have all of these stereotypes
that Catholics curse, and they drink,
and they're irresponsible with family planning,
and now I am those stereotypes.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]
And so are you guys, evidently.
The culture around us sometimesdoesn't like Catholicism.
When they realize they need us,
when their houses are haunted.
[audience laughs]
Try to imagine an exorcist movie
without the Catholic Church.
[audience laughs]
They're like, "We've been hearing
evil voices from the basement.
It's a demon.
Somebody call a nondenominational worship leader.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
Only a Unitarian can save us now."
But I love all the great dialogue we have now
between Protestants and evangelicals and Catholics.
A lot of my Protestant friends
are getting in on historical Catholic traditions,
and I like to help them.
[audience laughs]
I like to share my experiences.
A lot of my Protestant friends are now celebrating Lent.
So I tell them, for example,about the time that
I gave up cursing for Lent.
[audience laughs]
And I say the thing with this tradition
of giving things up for Lent
is it you bring it back in a big way
[audience laughs]
on Easter morning.
[audience laughs]
And I love it.
I love it that so many of my Protestant friends
are getting in on these wonderful,
rich liturgical traditions.
I think it's so great.
There is an area of Catholicism
that you might wanna leave to us Catholics.
For example, relics.
You guys familiar with this.
So a relic is where we as Catholics
like to take a piece of clothing,
or even a piece of a body of a holy man or woman
who lived, and just keep it around
so that we can feel close to them.
There is even a church, this is true,
there's a church in Italy,this beautiful historic church,
and inside it is a very delicate beautiful glass box,
and there is a saint's head in it.
When you see it in context,
it's actually a beautiful thing.
The saint lived hundreds of years ago.
The church is like 1,000 years old.
And when you see it in the grand scheme
of this ornate cathedral,
you realize that it's a beautiful thing.
But Protestant friends, leave this one to us.
[audience laughs]
Because it's gonna be a little weird
if you walk into your local mega church
called Celebration Station,
[audience laughs]
and there's a glass box
with a guy's head in it.
[audience laughs]
That's Pastor Cody.
[audience laughs]
He was great.
[audience laughs]
I am here from Texas.
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
Thank you, it's a great nation.
[audience laughs]
The only thing about Texas, I love Texas,
but the only thing about it is that the natural environment
that surrounds us is constantly trying to kill us.
Like my house is full of scorpions.
Now these they're not that big.And when you get stung,
it's not really that much worse than a wasp's sting.
And sometimes when people hear that they're like,
"Wow, doesn't sound that bad, and we have roaches."
And it's times like this that I turn to the Bible,
[audience laughs]
particularly Luke chapter 10,
where Jesus gives his followers the power to
tread upon scorpions.
So I'm like I think what is in my house is worse,
because Jesus hates them.
[audience laughs]
I did not know when we first moved into this house
that it was full of scorpions,
and we had an exterminator come out
as just part of a cursory visit,
just spray some chemicals.
And I followed this guy around like,
Oh, is that organic?
No, no, no, no, don't spray right there.
The children play there.
Don't don't spray too much."
And then one night when I was just about
to turn out my bedside lamp,
I saw a scorpion crawling right toward my bed.
The exterminator was back
at six o'clock in the morning the next day.
And he said, "Ma'am, would you like to upgrade
to our Platinum package?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "I want your Chernobyl package."
[audience laughs]
These scorpions will show up in the craziest places.
One time I sent a kid to the naughty corner.
And she got stung, there.
It's not funny.
[audience laughs]
I'm just saying I didn't have to discipline that kid
for like six weeks.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]
We also have rattlesnakes in our yard.
A friend of mine was like,"Jen, if you see a rattlesnake,
don't kill it, rehome it."
I was like, "That is a great idea, I will.
I will rehome it into a belt."
[audience laughs]
I sometimes fantasize about moving somewhere else.
Maybe Chicago.
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
The thing is I try to imagine how a realtor
would dress up that listing, like beautiful family home,
fully furnished, rustic charm, great for entomologist.
[audience laughs]
In general, I like living in the suburbs though.
It's nice.
I'd like to drive around in my minivan.
And when I do, I listen to hip hop.
[audience cheering]
I love hip hop music.
And sometimes people hear that and they say,
"Jen, have you listened to those lyrics,
talking about fighting with people,
getting vengeance on people
using drugs to cope?"
And I'm like, "You ever met suburban moms?"
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]
I hear Lil Wayne saying things like,
"You front on me, I stepped to you.
You play this game, it's over for you."
And I'm like, "Was he at Michelle's bunco group?"
[audience laughs]
I do drive a minivan though,
and these things have so much room.
There's even a special storage compartment
for your dead dreams.
[audience laughs]
That self-image you have that
maybe I'm still kinda cool.
[audience laughs]
I still got it.
You shove that in the temperature controlled lockbox
until you drive a different vehicle.
[audience laughs]
Anything that goes into or comes out of a minivan
is instantly uncool.
[audience laughs]
In fact, I thought we could solve
this nation's drug problem.
If us moms would just drive around town
holding joints out the window
[audience laughs]
in our minivans, just be like,
"Kids, have you tried this marijuana.
[audience laughs]
It's terrific."
[audience laughs]
I think the transition to becoming a minivan driver
is harder for men.
They've always gotta tell themselves the story.
And what is it they always say?
They're like, "Bro, my minivan is fast.
[audience laughs]
No, this thing we're talking, eight cylinders on this baby.
And you're like, "Carl, ourneighborhood is actually called
Pleasant Meadow.
When are you gonna need a fast car,"
like if one of the mommies in the preschool drop off
challenges you to a drag race?"
I would like to suggest as a service to the dads of America
that we get a minivan
in the next "Fast and the Furious" movie.
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
They tried everything else,
like might as well give this a shot.
It's okay, this could work.
So first of all, these huge center consoles
would have room for all of Vin Diesel's guns.
[audience laughs]
It also becomes a much more green franchise.
Instead of all these guys racing around
in their gas guzzling race cars,
the whole squad could fit inone eight-seater Toyota Sienna.
[audience laughs]
The fast and the fuel efficient.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
Just imagine the moment that The Rock turns into his gang,
and it's like, "Guys, they're after us.
We gotta go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go."
And then he clicks the button to open the side door,
and it's like...
[mimics mechanical buzzing] [audience laughs]
I have a tip for the ladies in the house.
[audience cheering]
Sometimes it happens, you will be out somewhere
and a man is being a little aggressive
about talking to you.
He's not taking the hint that you're not interested,
and he'll just keep going.
So I'm gonna give you some magic words.
Say this to any man, and he will lose
all interest in you immediately.
When that dude is like, "Hey, baby.
What are you doing later tonight?"
you say this,
"I'm driving my minivan home
to homeschool my six kids."
[audience laughs]
Poof, all interest, gone.
That guy will be like,
"I was going to put this roofie in your drink,
[audience laughs]
but I just want you to have it."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
We travel a lot as a family,
but, unfortunately, hotel rooms have these limits
that they don't allow a large number of people in them,
and typically the limit is about six people,
but my family has eight people in it.
So now when my kids talk to their friends about travel,
they're like, "Which one of your siblings
hides in the closet when the manager comes?"
[audience laughs]
My husband and I could not have
more different travel styles.
I like to travel when I get to a new place like I'm a local,
settle in, spend many days there
to get a feel for the community.
I feel like I live there after a point.
My husband travels like we are fleeing genocide.
[audience laughs]
We arrive under the cover of darkness,
spend one night there, go to hit three spots,
flee again before anyone can recognize us,
and we are out of there.
[audience laughs]
And we travel in different groups
to keep things from getting too chaotic.
And the kids that get in my group
act like they have won the lottery.
[audience laughs]
Because I understand that when you are going on a vacation,
the moment you step out of your front door,
your entire life savings turns into Monopoly money.
[audience laughs]
I'll be at the airport with my group of kids,
and I'll be like, "A $16 cookie?
You want just one?
[audience laughs]
Well, let's all get one.
Get two, get three, it's not real money."
[audience laughs]
My husband will be at theairport with his group of kids,
and the airport that we go to has all of these
iconic Texas restaurants there,
so you can smell the carne asada
from the famous taco stand.
And then right next to that,
you smell the brisket that has been marinating all day.
And the kids with my husband will turn to him and say,
"Dad, what are we eating for dinner?
And he'll pull an old granola bar out of his pocket,
[audience laughs]
and tell them to share it
[audience laughs]
while he complains about airport prices.
[audience laughs]
If it were up to me, our entire family of eight
would go out to dinner at a restaurant
every single night that we were on vacation.
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
My husband will go down to the local grocery store,
stock us up on food for us to eat in the hotel room,
and it's not even the nice food.
He'll get whatever the local generic brand is.
[audience laughs]
And so, we'll be peering out our hotel window.
We can see the flashing lights of the
festive tourist restaurant across the street.
[audience laughs]
And I look to see my children rinsing off plastic spoons
[audience laughs]
to eat their Value Choice Cereal.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
We also couldn't be more different when it comes to packing.
When it comes time for me to pack.
I don't walk through my house,
saying, "What should I bring?"
I say, "What shouldn't I bring?"
[audience laughs] W
Look, I don't need a suitcase
that fits in the overhead compartment.
I need options.
[audience laughs]
You feel me.
My husband does not travel
with luggage. I
know you are confused.
You're like, "Well, she means not much luggage."
No, no.
He will put a cell phone charger and a toothbrush
in his jacket pocket,
[audience laughs]
and be like, "Done packing."
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
I'm serious.
He's stocked up on all of these clothes
that are really durable.
He washes them in our hotel bathroom
[audience laughs]
and hangs them out to dry like we are mountain people.
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
He hot this idea from college.
His fraternity had this ritual
where they would drop the guys off,
and they would give them only a toothbrush
and a change of underwear.
For some people, this would be a traumatic memory of hazing.
[audience laughs]
For my husband, it was an aha moment.
[audience laughs]
He was like, "Do I even need the change of underwear?"
[audience laughs]
So the result of all this
is that when housekeeping walks into our room,
they see clothes hanging out to dry,
all of this stuff, evidence that they're way more people
stuffed into this room than are supposed to be here.
All these crumpled wrappers and boxes
from generic brand food,
[audience laughs]
and they're like, "Are they refugees?"
[audience laughs]
A friend of mine did anexercise with me the other day,
one of these things where
you're supposed to answer immediately.
You don't think about it,
so that you get to the core of your innermost response.
So she said, "Jen, okay, don't think, don't think, Jen.
What is something that fills you with joy?
Go."
And I was like, "Drinking alone."
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding] [audience cheering]
The great thing about my lifestyle
is that no nobody judges me for it anymore.
[audience laughs]
When I was single,
I would be like, oh, you know, I had a tough day at work,
so when I got home, I had a beer.
And people would be like, "That's dangerous."
[audience laughs]
Now, I could be like,
After a long day of homeschooling my six kids,
I lock myself in the garage,cracked open a bottle of vodka,
put a straw in it, and went to town.
[audience laughs]
And people would be like, "That's self-care."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering] [audience applauding]
People are so inconsistent
with their judgments about alcohol.
You have a gin and tonic at a restaurant,
and you're sophisticated.
You take that same drink,
pour it in a Hello Kitty travel mug,
[audience laughs]
take it to the PTA meeting,
[audience laughs] [audience applauding]
and suddenly you have a problem.
[audience laughs]
Why is it
that the places you most need to drink
are the exact places you're not supposed to drink?
[audience laughs]
If I am at a fancy martini bar downtown,
little candle light for the ambiance,
and smooth jazz playing in the background,
intelligent adult conversation,I don't need a martini.
[audience laughs]
I'm fine with the club soda.
[audience laughs]
You know when I need a martini.
[audience laughs]
When I am stuck in a hard plastic chair
at the mandatory Parent Information Session
[audience laughs]
that's headed into hour two,
and this whole thing
could have been done by email.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding] [audience cheering]
That is when I need a martini.
I took a break from alcohol last year.
I did six months totally alcohol free.
It's not that I thought that I was an alcoholic.
I was an alcohol super fan.
[audience laughs]
Getting into stopping territory.
[audience laughs]
So the problem was that Iwould drink when I watch shows.
At the end of the night, I would turn on a show
and I would have a drink.
But then that association became very clear in my mind.
Watch show, drink.
The problem is I tend to binge watch shows.
[audience laughs]
And I kinda knew it was a problem
when these shows were getting a little hazy for me,
like I got sucked into the weirdest documentary
about Little Red Riding Hood called...
What was it?
"The Handmaid's Tale."
[audience laughs]
The nice thing about that break was
that I could take the budget
that I had been spending on alcohol,
and then I had the room for all this extra stuff,
like flowers for the kitchen table,
the occasional salon trip,
that private jet I'd had my eye on.
[audience laughs]
Anyone who knows anything about me
knows that I love Instagram.
[audience applauding]
Instagram has the power to make you envious
of any lifestyle you see portrayed on there,
There is no lifestyle so random
that I will not be jealous of it if I see it on Instagram.
Like I have ended up following all of the Arab royalty.
[audience laughs]
I'm serious.
Sheikh Mohammed is very active on the Gram,
and I have previously never aspired
to be part of that scene,
[audience laughs]
but I see them on there, and I'm like,
"Oh I never get to go falcon hunting."
[audience laughs]
There are warnings now
that the government is using our Instagram
for facial recognition,
so that if you or I ever commit a crime,
they can find us through our Instagram.
And this is the biggest waste of time I've ever heard of.
[audience laughs]
Because the only reason that any of us are on that app
is so that we can look completely different
than we actually look in real life.
[audience laughs]
After I get done with my filters,
and my tuning, and my layers,
people who follow me on Instagram
think I am a woodland fairy.
[audience laughs]
I could rob a bank with a mask on,
give out my Instagram handle as I'm robbing the bank.
And when the FBI finally tracked me down,
they could hold up the picture
that I posted on Instagram this morning,
and they'd be like, "Commander,
we cannot find Jen Fulwiler.
[audience laughs]
The woman we have here seems to be her
very tired aunt."
[audience laughs]
Have you ever gotten a picture with a friend
where they look like Quasimodo?
[audience laughs]
They are hunched over.
The mouth was caught open at the weirdest possible angle.
Their hair is a disaster.
They look 20 pounds heavier than they really are.
But you,
[audience laughs]
look amazing.
[audience laughs]
Fresh face,
felt sleek,
and you're like, "Oh, that's a shame
for you.
[audience laughs]
Because I am posting this
on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat.
What is my MySpace password?
[audience laughs]
Because I just got a new profile pic everywhere."
No, but seriously, if you do that,
that could really damage your friendships.
Who needs friends when you got 500 likes?
[audience laughs]
I'm not normally good at housekeeping,
even under the best circumstances.
And when I say that, sometimes people think
"Jen's being modest.
I bet she's a fine housekeeper."
Well, let me give you this example.
When my husband and I first got married,
we bought a white couch.
[audience laughs]
We didn't know.
[audience laughs]
When we finally went to donate it,
we called Salvation Army.
We scheduled this whole thing.
We scheduled a whole 18-wheelerpickup, this whole thing.
And so that truck comes rumbling down the street,
the guy gets out.
Our couch is sitting there,
waiting for pickup in the garage.
He walks down the driveway, stops halfway,
and says, "Come on, man, we got standards."
[audience laughs]
Salvation Army would not take my living room couch.
[audience laughs]
We live near a Chuck E. Cheese.
[audience laughs]
Thank you, you guys get it.
So there was a blogger who recently did this expose.
There was a blogger who did an expose
where he said that the food at Chuck E. Cheese
is not fresh and organic.
[audience laughs]
Now for the record, Chuck E. Cheese denies this.
[audience laughs]
The corporation, not the mouse himself.
[audience laughs]
No, this is important work,
because when I go to Chuck E. Cheese,
I know I'm there for the cuisine.
[audience laughs]
I mean when I pull up to that plastic table,
I expect a white-gloved maitre d
to come up and be like,
"Pardon me, madam.
The chef will wait to serve the amuse-bouche
until the robot band is finishedwith the happy birthday.
[audience laughs]
Ah, it'll just be a moment now.
I see the gorilla has began his drum solo."
[audience laughs]
This blogger also revealed
that some of the practices at Chuck E. Cheese
could lead to the spread of germs.
[audience laughs]
He's obviously never been to a Chuck E. Cheese.
[audience laughs]
Because the first thing you think
when you walk into that place is
this leads to the spread of germs.
[audience laughs]
Chuck E. Cheese is like if the Ebola Ward at the hospital
had rides.
[audience laughs]
The minute you walk into that place you're like,
"I am going to leave here with the plague
and a stuffed moose.
[audience laughs]
And what's it all for?
The tickets.
Do you remember that
when we would get our tickets at Chuck E. Cheese,
and you never valued anything you owned
more than what you bought with your own tickets
at the Chuck E. Cheese junk store?
[audience laughs]
Your mom would be cleaning your room,
and she'd be like,
"Can we throw away this glow in the dark plastic kazoo?"
[audience laughs]
And you'd be like,
"What?
[audience laughs]
Do you understand what I had to do
at the whack-a-mole table
[audience laughs]
to earn that kazoo?"
[audience laughs]
I want to end by bringing you into a time in my life
when I think the chaos of my life
reached its absolute apex.
so this was shortly after my sixth child was born.
Things were so chaotic.
my fifth child, she was the kind of kid
where you would end up having to make rules
that you never thought you'd have to make,
like no taking off your own diaper
[audience laughs]
and throwing it at people
[audience laughs]
when you're dancing on the table.
[audience laughs]
A friend of mine witnessed some of this.
She said, "Girl, that child is turning you into a saint."
[audience laughs]
And I said, "That ain't the direction this is going."
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]
And there was one day when my life just reached
its absolute lowest point.
So this toddler, crazy toddler of mine,
she got hold of a Sharpie.
I walk into the room, and I see...
I don't see her, but I see the traces of what she's done.
It starts on the kitchenchairs, scribbling with Sharpie,
goes all the way across this couch,
all the way over to the other living room chair,
across more walls,
and then across the baby's bassinet.
And I look inside.
[audience laughs]
The baby is in the bassinet,
and the scribbling goes right across his forehead.
[audience laughs]
So I take the Sharpie away from her.
She reacts as if I have removedan appendage of her body.
I send her to the naughty corner.
That's one of those times you
kind of wish a scorpion was in there, [mumbles].
[audience laughs]
She starts screaming.
Then all of my other kids start screaming,
because that's what we do in our house.
And at this exact moment,
I looked over and my eyes fell on
this family portrait of our family,
and it was this beautiful shot of all six kids,
and me, and my husband.
Everyone was smiling at the cameras so beautifully.
And I only had to Photoshop three heads
to make that happen. [audience laughs]
The kids had made a frame for it in their preschool.
And under it, on this frame was the word family
in multicolored letters.
But the M and the Y were inthese yellow and orange colors.
And the way the sun was hittingit, you couldn't see them.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, you know what families spells
without the M and the Y.
[audience laughs]
Fail.
And this is the word that is right under
this picture of my family,
and it was in that moment that I learned a lesson
that I have taken away,
and it is the reason that I came here
to be with you tonight.
Well, that indicate my airline status.
[audience laughs]
I cannot go back to boarding group five, guys.
[audience laughs]
I know that a lot of you aregoing through difficult things.
I see your emails.
I see your direct messages.
I got an email the other day from someone in this room,
it's a couple, they have a special needs kid,
they just moved, they're having financial struggles,
and they said "Jen, we feel like we're drowning sometimes.
It's a lot."
Another woman was in a car accident, and she's in pain,
and will be in pain for a long time as she recovers.
And then, some of these are hard,
this is one woman, she's in the room tonight.
Her husband just started working from home.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding] [audience cheering]
And you know that we have been through a lot too.
If you follow me, you know thatmy dad passed away recently.
So midnight tonight will be
the one month anniversary of his passing.
The outpouring of support that we have received
has been tremendous.
I even had a friend who offered to write
all of my thank you notes for me.
And I was like, "You are so kind
to imagine that I write thank you notes."
[audience laughs]
Girl, I'm not at that level.
[audience laughs]
I'm at the thank you text
that is mostly emoji level.
It was sudden, my father's passing was sudden.
I had been texting with him all day.
He was in a great mood.
He was fine.
We've been texting.
The last text he sent that ended our exchange
hours before he passed was, "Knock them dead, girl."
Literally my dad's last words to me.
I have screenshotted that-
[audience applauding] Thank you.
[audience cheering]
I have screenshotted that.
I look at it every single day.
And the other day it occurred to me,
I looked at the time stamp on it,
and I realized I have since found out
he was in the ER while he was texting me.
He didn't tell me this.
It was a medical situation that unraveled pretty quickly.
He didn't wanna worry me,
so he didn't tell me that he was in the hospital.
But based on what I know now,
I think he might have known
that the situation was very grave.
And I think that the irony of that phrase,
knock them dead, might have been intentional.
I'm like, "Dad!
[audience laughs]
That is so inappropriate."
[audience laughs]
But that is my father's legacy to me,
is the ability to find humor in any situation,
even if it's a little dark.
And that is the gift that Iwant to leave with you tonight.
[audience applauding]
Look, guys, I know you guyshave some tough stuff going on,
but try to find a way to laugh,
because when you laugh, you have hope.
And when you have hope,
you remember that some waysomehow it is all gonna be okay.
Thank you.
You've been amazing.
[audience applauding] [upbeat music]